100 Girls

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Matthew: "Without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a

highway. I have gift anxiety, even through I don't know when your birthday

is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cleaning together. I swear, I'll

never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while

parallel parking. If you consent to live with me, I'll clean the toilet every

week. I'll do it with my tongue if you ask. I will strike the words "hooters"

and "love rockets" from my vocabulary. I'll love you. Even if your name is

Mimi and you want me to pronounce it "May May". I will only pass gas

underneath the covers and under the direst of circumstances. Hell, I'll go on

a low cholesterol diet. And I won't buy one of those red sports cars when I

hit my mid-life crisis. Your parents can come visit us every week, even if

your mom is a witch with a capital B. And your folks don't have to go to a

retirement home because they can come live with us. I declare, I'll separate

the whites from the colors and learn the mysteries of hot and cold water

washes. I'll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on my makeup.

If you're a cat person, I'll never point out the fact that a dog can save your

life from drowning, but a cat can't. I will happily go see chick flicks with

you, like "Pride and Prejudice." I'll make a point to trying new food like okra

gumbo. I won't curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by

having cheese on it. I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "Is my hair

looking okay tonight?" I'm gonna bring a whole new meaning to the word

"cuddle." I'll be thoughtful enough to read your horoscope every day. I'm

gonna save every birthday card you send me! And I'll actually write you real

letters when we're apart. I'm never gonna expect you to know where I left

my car keys, and I'll never leave my socks on the floor. With me, you'll find

the cap is always on the toothpaste. I'll start wearing those male bikini

underwear if you like. My belly button will always be lint free. I want to

full-on kiss your clitoris. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience

you've ever had. I declare now, I will give my life for you. And if you fail to

come to me, I know some part of me will surely die."

TOM HANSEN: "Actually. You know what? Can I say something about the cat? Yeah,

uh, this is- and Rhoda, no disrespect here....but, um, this is total shit. "Go for it" and

"You can do it"? That's not inspirational. That's suicidal. (Points to the greeting

cards) If Pickles goes for it there, that's a dead cat. These are lies. We're liars....think

about it. Why do people buy these cards? It's not because they wanna say how they

feel. People buy these cards because they can't say how they feel or they are afraid

to. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. And you know what? I say the

hell with it. I say let's level with America. At least let them speak with themselves. I

mean, look at this. What does it say? Congratulations on the new baby. How about

congratulations for your new baby, guess that's it for hanging out. Nice knowing ya

buddy. Wait, what's this? Ooh... fancy!

Look at this one with all the hearts. Let's open it up. "Happy Valentine's Day,

Sweetheart. I love you." Oh that's nice. This is exactly what I'm talking about? What

does it even mean? Love. Do you know? Do you? Anybody? If somebody gave me this

card, Mr Vance, I would eat it. It's the cards and the movies and the pop songs. They

are to blame for all the lies and the heartache. We are responsible. I am responsible.

I think we do a bad thing here. I mean, people should be able to say how they feel,

how they really feel, not some words that some stranger puts in their mouth. Maybe

it's not love at all. Maybe there's no such thing as love. Maybe it's... "galoogoo." Yeah

I made it up, so what?! (Tom gets up and walks to the door.) It's all crap. We make

and peddle crap. And sometimes people believe in this crap. I just can't do it

anymore, Mr. Vance. There's enough bullshit in the world without my help. I quit."

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

written by John Hughes

Ferris Bueller: The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a

good non-specific symptom. A lot of people will tell you that a phony fever

is a dead lock, but if you get a nervous mother, you could land in the doctor's

office. That's worse than school. What you do is, you fake a stomach cramp,

and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, (confidentally) you lick

your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.

I did have a test today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I

mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't plan on being

European, so who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist

anarchists - that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that

I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not

good. A person should not believe in an ism - he should believe in himself. I

quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me." A

good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus - I'd

still have to bum rides off of people.