Alison Lowman

Plymouth Argyle Football in the Community Trust

Welcome to ‘Talking with Teenagers’

Talking with Teenagers

Men are from Mars

Women are from Venus

Teenagers are from another universe

altogether !

How did we get from this

to this !

Talking with Teenagers

What do you want to get out of the workshop today?

Confidentiality

In order to feel comfortable please understand that anything shared in discussion remains within this room

Talking with Teenagers

This workshop is about understanding and appreciating the situations you and your teenagers are in so that you can

make more empowering choices

Talking with Teenagers

It is not about getting teenagers to do what you want by turning them into perfect teen-robots who automatically obey and

respect you simply because you are their parent.

Talking with Teenagers

Remember

The only person you can control is yourself.

We cannot necessarily make anyone else do anything

Talking with Teenagers

What is different about teenage years?

0-6 Teacher role - child learns from you everything they need to know and usually they want to

7-12 Manager role – organising. Not learning to read but reading to learn. Learns from a much wider social context

13 + Coaching role- Life outside of family has a greater impact and you have been fired as manger. “I can make my own decisions !!!” Your role is to find your role and provide guidance and advice.

What is behind teenage behaviour?

Talking with Teenagers

A key principle of NLP

Emotions are facts.

Emotions, even if self generated will affect behaviour and communication on a daily basis. You interpret all of your experiences through a filter of emotional interpretation.

You create your own internal map of reality

Hormones

•Testosterone, Oestrogen – drive body changes in adolescence

•THP (allopregnanolone)

calms anxiety in adults

Increases anxiety in adolescents.

Cerebellum. Motor activity, posture, movement. Continues to develop into late adolescence.

Pineal gland. Produces melatonin – sleep hormone. Rhythm changes in adolescence.

Right ventral striatum. Motivates reward seeking behaviour. prompts extreme, risky behaviour? Emotional motivation

Prefrontal cortex. Executive functioning, impulse control.

Developing into early 20’s. Over-ridden by amagdala

Brain development

Social Context

Robert Epstein; The case against adolescence.“Teenagers are trying to break away from

adults, rather than become adults…”

Excluded from adult institutions. Treated as incompetent. Denied freedom of choice.

Three tasks of development

Rationality

Morality

Identity

Rationality – Jean Piaget

•Children and adults reason differently

•Four stages – each builds on the former

•Final stage continues into adulthood

•Mechanism is peer interaction / reflection

Morality – Lawrence Kohlberg

•Six stages

Because you said so

You scratch my back...

I want you to want me

All for one

With God on our side

Get my halo ready, here I come.

•Development continues into adulthood

•Mechanism is peer interaction, reflection

Identity – Erik Erikson

Five stages of personality development-

security…autonomy…initiative…

competence…Identity

Process – editing narrative of life experience, including feedback from others

Group exercise: same needs, different stages

Things children do that adults don’t

Things adults do that children don’t

Things teens do that adults would prefer they didn’t

Human givens

The starting point to understanding human givens is … that all living things have to take nutriment from the environment to develop and sustain themselves.  We can easily identify each nutriment because when we are born nature makes us feel a need for it.  

Human givens

We are all born with essential physical and emotional needs. These needs … are our common biological inheritance, whatever our cultural background.  

Whenever our emotional needs are not met, or when our resources are being used incorrectly, we suffer considerable distress. And so do those around us.

Our emotional needs include…

Security (stable home life and a safe territory to live in); Intimacy and friendship; To give and receive attention; A sense of autonomy and control; To feel connected to others and be part of a wider

community; To feel competent which comes from successful learning

and effectively applying skills Privacy (to reflect on and consolidate our experiences) To be ‘stretched’ in what we do, from which comes our

sense that life is meaningful.

Group exercise: same needs, different stages

Things children do that adults don’t

Things adults do that children don’t

Things teenagers do

that adults would prefer they didn’t

Essential

emotional needs

Talking with Teenagers

A Key principle of NLP

There are no difficult children, just difficult relationships and inflexible adults.

‘Difficult’ children are those you give up on when you cease to be flexible in you response and communication. Resistance is not so much an attribute of them but more a measure of your inflexibility

of response.

This can be hard to believe, but experiment with pretending that you believe it and see……..

Talking with Pre-teens

Another key principle of NLP

Every behaviour has a positive intention behind it.

‘Whatever it seems like to you, their behaviour is intended to be useful to them or to protect their well being. Try to interpret the underlying message from the behaviour and not the behaviour

itself.

What need does the individual think will be met by acting in this way?

Talking with Pre-teens

BREAK

Talking with Teenagers

Most common complaint is that no one listens to them

Talking to - Talking with - Listening to

Using positive language to set the tone

Don’t think about your feet

Talking with Teenagers

Try these - think of another way to say

•Don’t walk in here with muddy shoes

•Get your feet off the table

•The music’s too loud

•You’re wrong

•That skirt is too short

•I’m busy

•If you don’t do your homework you’ll fail your exam

•You can’t go to see Sue today because she’s at work

Talking with Teenagers

Who is talking to whom?

Say ‘with’ or ‘we talk about’

How long is this going to go on for?

Arrange a time/place/limit

Talking with Teenagers

Some strategiesActivity – using strategies

Describe

Give Information

Say one word

Talk about your feelings

Talking with Teenagers

DescribeThis give children a chance to tell themselves what to do

Talking with Teenagers

Give InformationThis avoids accusation

Talking with Teenagers

Say a wordChildren dislike lectures and hardly ever listen to the content

Talking with Teenagers

Talk about your feelings

Talking with Teenagers

Some strategies

And

Not ‘But’

Talking with Teenagers

What would you say if ?

Acknowledge feelings with a fantasy

Talking with Teenagers

Self Esteem

Loveable

and

CapableIan Gilbert

Deficit – DesireFailure – Lesson

Suffering – SurvivalFact – Perception

Permanent – PassingPervasive – PartialPersonal – Random

ExternalisingThe ultimate -reframe

The person is not the problem

The problem is the problem

Past successesCurrent achievementsWitnesses teachers, parents, friendsExceptions When things are OK

Role models

Accessing resources

How to highlight resources

Descriptive praise

“I” statements

Don’t argue with negative self image!

Practical activities