ISSUE #15SEPTEMBER 2011

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A group of squatters that has allowed us to enter a property they have broken into.

Squatters infiltrate Sunset ValleyOwning properties without occupants is extremely risky at the moment. A movement of squatters seems to have infiltrated the city.

SUNSET VALLEY – House-owners in Sun-set Valley have been complaining a lot the last couple of weeks. It was already known that squatters were active in the city, but things seem

to have gone out of hand during the last month. Es-pecially people who own multiple houses and don’t always have a tenant in their properties are hav-ing trouble.‘It’s ridiculous,’ Terri Russell from the house-owner association says. ‘Those squatters break into our houses and take whatever they want. Then they settle in and refuse to leave, with-out paying. They have

no right to infiltrate our properties!’Some people think there is even more to the squat-ters problem. There are rumours about a com-plot. ‘There’s definitely a complot’, claims an anonymous person from the Very-Secret-Society-That-Nobody-Knows-About. ‘Every day, more squatters enter the city. I believe hundreds of them are creeping around at this very moment. They

definitely want to take over the city and they wil infiltrate every single house and mind and soul, until they are in charge. Beware, people! They’re EE-VEE-AY-EL. Evilll!’The amount of people that believe in this con-spiracy theory is rising, but others disagree. The latter think the squat-ters are just teenagers that have run away from home and are in desper-ate need of a place to live. As a matter of fact, most of the squatters are young and seem to have had troubled pasts.The squatters refuse to speak about their motives or goals. The police are currently investigating.

PAGE 2 SUNSET VALLEY TIMES

Neighbor dis-pute ends badSUNSET VALLEY – What started as a small dispute between two neighbors, ended up in a huge fight. Two neigh-bors in Sunset Valley were complaining with each other about a new stereo system that would make too much noise. “I just couldn’t hear my fish anymore,” according to Beth Jones. Beth de-cided to take matters in her own hands, and pur-chased an equally pow-erful stereo. This time the other neighbor com-plained about “not being able to hear the voices in her head anymore”. How the neighbors will settle is still unclear.

Facelift gone horribly wrongSUNSET VALLEY – A woman in Sunset Val-ley is pressing charges against the local hospi-tal. The woman – who wished to remain anony-mous – went to the hospi-tal to get a small facelift. “Things were starting to hang you know. So I wanted it more smooth.” When she woke up, she looked like she have had a complete facial recon-struction. As it turns out, her doctor was hearing impaired, so didn’t hear her wishes. “I thought she wanted a more man-ly face. That’s what she got.”

One of the new underwater cabins. Scientists think that the lack of oxygen might be harmfull for the students’ health, but can’t provide solid evidence for that

Student housing shortage crisis hits BridgeportBridgeport’s ma-jor housing corpora-tions can’t keep up with the stupendous rise in Bridgeport University freshmen and subsequent in-crease in demand for affordable housing.

BRIDGEPORT - Tanya Wong, 19, prospective first year student Plum-bob Sciences at Bridge-port Uni was keen to leave her rural hometown of Simshire behind for the exciting big city student life of Bridgeport. Un-able, however, to find any Bridgeport apartment in

her price range, she now sees herself forced to start the academic year homeless, living on the street. “Huge dislike!” she comments.“Regretfully, many, many first year students are in-deed in the same boat,’’ municipal spokesper-son Herbert Mouth says. “Therefore, we have thoroughly researched the possibilities of of-fering inexpensive ac-commodation in large quantities. Our study put forward some very sol-id and achievable ideas indeed, like converting thrash cans, clouds or

large animals into student homes. But the best idea therefrom…” he pauses and gleams with pride, “was indeed to build small underwater cabins at the bottom of Bridge-port Lake. The con-struction of no less than one thousand compart-ments holding a built-in bed has already begun!” Scientists are doubtful however. “It seems that oxygen supply wasn’t tak-en into account. Frankly, it may even be harmful to live there!” Many stu-dents, including Tanya Wong, have already pur-chased their own cabin.

OPINIONSPutting students in confined oxygen free spaces is a good idea.What does our panel think of this argument?

Agatha LoneaLone wolf

Billy HopkinsSchool bully

Richard JonesChubby friend

Certainly. Small, solitary spaces are my favourite. I like the quiet.

Sounds great. I like free stuff. And stuff I can hit. What’s oxygen?

Omnomno- Dun-no. Can you eat without oxygen? Omnomnom….

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Crime is not a game, but that’s something this old lady didn’t fully understand.

Elderly women escapes with 60 computer games in pantsWho would think that even old people can be criminals?

SUNSET VALLEY – A rather special robbery took place in Sunset Val-ley. On Friday night an elderly women robbed the new computer game store “Play-Till-You-Fall-Off-Your-Chair” down the mall.

“Her method was really odd,” says Mr. Wright, owner of the shop. “She walked through all our sections –we are a great shop so there are many, MANY sections- so I decided to go help her decide. I thought she wouldn’t have that many understanding of what are good games these days. When I came near, she pulled a cookie out of her purse, let me take a sniff of its nice vanilla scent and threw it out of

my store. Because I’m to-tally in love with vanilla cookies I ran towards the cookie like a llama on World Animal Day. Af-ter I finished my cookie, 25 minutes later, I saw my whole game stock was gone! I shouted to the mall security for help and a few hours later he came to the rescue.

He went searching for the old woman and found her close to my store. After a short investigation he found out the woman had stuffed her underwear with all of my games. Because there were so many, her dress coat tore to pieces and a button popped up her nose. She was out of balance, fell and broke her hip,” says Mr. Wright.

We spoke to Mrs. Pear, the elderly women who robbed the game store

and broke her hip why she did it. “Well, I have nothing to do, all day long!” says Mrs. Pear “Those games would give me birthday presents for all my grandkids on hand for the next 10 years!” ac-cording to Mrs. Pear.

Well, you know what they say. Crime doesn’t pay!

Male makeup latest trendBARNACLE BAY – In Barnacle Bay they have discovered a new trend that is quickly taking over the entire city. “It’s quite the talk of town ac-tually,” according to lo-cal resident Jack Harrow. When you take a good look around, you might not immediately see what all the fuzz is about, but when you get up close with someone, it be-comes more clear. “Yep, the men of Barnacle Bay wear makeup. They don’t hide it, but wear it with proudness!”

Indeed all the men wear makeup. This trend was discovered by Sally James, local trendsetter. “I tried it on my husband and it looked quite good.” Companies are quickly jumping on the opportu-nity and have launched several ‘male makeup’ brands.

PAGE 4 SUNSET VALLEY TIMES

Vast L. Eviviri condelibefex seninesentem ad serebendiis; C. Otis-sulia norbeme quod ne ere tempotam sigitil iciorac fin sent.

Rabid Llama Roundup

Residents of Sunset Valley are on high alert.

SUNSET VALLEY – A rabid llama escaped from the science facility two days ago. The llama in question, named LM44-2, was part of an elaborate experiment to merge a llama with a Labrador. The tests went tragical-ly wrong, and scientists working on the project were keeping the speci-men in protected quar-ters indefinitely.

Janitor for the facil-ity, Wilfred Jay, was dis-mayed to discover the door open and the hold-

ing empty, with no sign of the crossbreed anywhere. Authorities were noti-fied immediately, and the search for the rabid llama began. So far, the search has been fruitless.

“We are urging residents to stay indoors, and to report any sightings of a llama-like creature with a long tail and crazed look. He is very aggressive!” warns Sheriff Watts. The llama was last spotted galloping about the dense shrubbery behind the sci-ence facility yesterday, and is thought to still be in the vicinity.

COMMUNITY VOICE

By Timmy Max-well

Hello errybody! My name Timmy. Im witing letter. Mummy was witing let-ter end she stop, so now im witing! Mummy ses im very small but im biiiiiggg! Im tree yirs old and tat is very old. I lav my behr, he very kool. His name is behr becaz he is a behr. Behr lav ed-ventur and so do I!

I lav kookies and pitza and fries! I not lav milk.Mummy be very heppy wen she see I wite letter for her. Den she hav time to play wit me! Mummy always ses she bizy. Wen I wite letter, she not bizy! Now we kan hav fun!

Im gon put dis letter wit the odder mail, so letter will arrive! I dont no who

gonna anser, but no matter. I lav errybody!Hope you want to sent a letter beck too me. Letters ar kool! I nebber get a letter so I reed my mummy let-ters. But wen she see, she always

take dem! Im heppy wen you send me letter, so I hav one for me.Tank you mutch for reed-ing my letter. Behr like you and I too. Dont no who you ar, but you kool.

Now me and behr gonna play game. Bai bai!

Streaker Apprehended

BRIDGEPORT - Ned ‘No Clothes’ Bishop was arrested yesterday for streaking after authori-ties failed to catch him the previous six times Ned has made an appear-ance at a sporting event.

Ned is notorious for inde-cent exposure at various football matches, and is thought to be the reason behind an estimated 76

counselling sessions in the past two months. At any point during a game, Ned would leap out the crowd bare-bottomed and sprint across the field without a shred of dig-nity - or clothing. He has received a fine and an of-ficial warning from City Hall.

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Woman gets a baby, loses houseGoing into labour hile cooking seems to have catastrophic conse-quences.

When Nina Cucina re-turned from the hospi-tal last week, she could not believe her eyes: her house was completely burnt down to ashes. A few hours earlier she had been cooking dinner, like every other day. The only thing different was that she was on the third day of her pregnan-cy. Just as she had man-aged to get everything boiling and simmering,

she felt a tremendous pain. Knowing she was going in to labour, she rushed to the hospital, leaving her food behind. The food, obviously an-gry about this, decided to catch fire and subse-quently burn the whole house down.

Even more curious than food able to make deci-sions, was the fact that Nina’s husband, Pedro, was home during the in-cident. But as he told us: “I was in the garden house, smelling flowers, so I couldn’t have smelled

the fire! Nor could I have heard the house breaking down, because I was lis-tening to my own beauti-ful singing!”

If you feel sorry for Nina, Pedro and their new born son Alberto and you feel like giving them money or even a place to live, please do. Right now they are staying at the Sunset Valley Times Of-fice, keeping everybody off their work by yell-ing “Pizza, pizza!” all the time. No, it is not funny.

Tuna TerrorsSUNSET VALLEY - You can not possibly miss it, the horrible smell that has been hanging around near the sea of Sunset Valley. It is the sickening odour of tuna, caused by the biggest tuna plague in Sunset Valley since the birth of Will Wright.

Tuna has become some sort of vermin: it is eve-rywhere and you can not get rid of it. Like Pauline Wan, who lives near the sea, told us: “When I get back from work, I go and sit on the couch, only to feel fish poking my bot-tom. And when I open the fridge for some com-fort food, kilos of tuna fall out!”

The local authorities are now asking all the peo-ple of Sunset Valley to breed lobsters, as those are the natural enemy of the tuna.

Local resident got biographyHIDDEN SPRINGS – Louis Swete of Hidden Springs should be very proud of himself. The man will receive his own biography. It’s the first time, that someone from Hidden Springs will get this honor. “Argh, a bi-ography. What do I care. I get paid for it, so that’s fine,” according to a very happy mister Swete.

When the biography will be published is not yet known. A small preview can already be found on svtim.es and pre-orders for the biography start in a month!

There’s something in the skyThese Sims are not merely sharing a romantic encounter, but are also looking at the sky at some of the weird sightings that keep Sunset Valley in its grip.

Sims from across Sun-set Valley have already seen it, but can’t figure out what ‘it’ is. They do know that it is in the skies!

SUNSET VALLEY – If you happen to walk through Sunset Valley and you see Sims look-ing and pointing up at the

sky, you shouldn’t look too surprised. Apparent-ly Sims see things in the air, or even shooting past. “Yes, I just saw it, it went right that way and then it just vanished,” according to Billy Brady a local resi-dent.

The local hobby shop can’t keep up with his

stock of telescopes. “Sims keep buying them, to spot the mysterious things in the sky.”We haven’t figured out what actually is flying around in the sky, but we’ll investigate. Could it have something to do with the weird sightings at the Sunset Valley Con-vention Center?

PISCES

Your mother warned you about

the stapler, but you just wouldn’t listen. Now it’s cooperating with the hole punch and the electric pencil sharpener, so watch out.

CANCER

Today you’ll meet someone special. It

can be a new love, or a new col-league, or the queen, or a long lost friend, or (insert own here...)

LIBRA

When the scale is unfriendly to you

this month, don’t forget you can always adjust your own weight, with that little fiddly thing at the bottom of it.

SAGITARIUS

Two ducks in the pond don’t make a

family. Several more ducks do neither. Always remember that when you talk to ducks!

SCORPIO

It can be sunny, or it can rain, or it can be

very windy, or maybe there’ll be snow. Be sure to dress appropri-ate for the weather.

LEO

Remember, when a chicken crosses the

street, heavens will unload their rain. Be sure to double check when crossing a street near a farm!

VIRGO

Dancing naked at midnight, while

chanting weird nonsense and rubbing your hair will not give you eternal youth. Drinking from a fountain, however, does.

GEMINI

You have a lot of creative energy, so

you will have to find a way to let it out. How about opening a bar-ber shop? Not that Sims need one, but who cares!

TAURUS

You will have a lot of thoughts, your

mind will become a kind of hazy. Just take a swim in Crystal Springs and soon everything will be crystal clear again.

AQUARIUS

The next time you see a rainbow, go

find the pot of gold at the end of it. You might think it doesn’t ex-ist, but well, it does. This month, it does, okay?

ARIES

Expect great things happening to you!

A little optimism will make you feel a lot better. Just don’t be disappointed when none of your expectations come true.

CAPRICORN

We all understand that you like to par-

ty, but don’t be surprised when people get mad at you when you kidnap their pets to use them as dance partners.

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HOROSCOPE

WEATHER SUDOKU

SPORTSRESULTS

What do you mean, sum-mer break? The Sunset Valley marble shooting competition is alive and kicking. This year the eyes are

fixed on an exceptionally young contestant: Tod-dler Tony. He is said to win marble matches by just using his little fin-ger and his big toe. Since

our source was a 4-year-old, we are not quite sure about this, but what we do know is that Tony is very cute.