ISSUE #11 - MAY 2011

This is a news article headline!

And yet another mystery solved, thank you Captain Obvious!

For over a few weeks, it’s all Sunset Valley can talk about. The talk of the day. And people do nothing else but talk about it. When people converse with each oth-er, this is the subject that they’ll exchange words about!

SUNSET VALLEY – So what is it that everyone talks about? Well that’s something we are not entirely sure of. Some call it a phenomenon, others a disease and some language professors at the Sunset Val-ley State College even call it a “disgrace for language”. And the funny thing is, no one has come up with a word for it.But what is ‘it’?

Well, it’s telling the obvious.

“It appears that one person has started this trend, as I’d like to call it,” according to trend watcher Adam Fruity. “You see, if a person starts with a new language trend, people tend to copy it.” All over town, people are re-ferring to ‘Captain Obvious’. It’s not really a captain, mind you. It’s slang for someone who is stating the obvious.

That it becomes a major an-noyance in the city is becom-ing increasingly noticeable. People have started protesting with signs that state the obvi-ous. Our reporter saw signs saying “this is a sign” and “I’m a piece of cardboard stuck to a

piece of wood”. “Yes the town has gone cra-zy,” according to vice-mayor Tom McCraft. “Our very own mayor couldn’t argue with us anymore. When we talked about the latest health bill, all he could say was ‘this is my argument and that’s that’, but he didn’t even give an argu-ment.”

Captain Obvious – the actual person who started this trend – is still unaccounted for. But the local language police have already put a big number on his head, for when he’s found!

Remains us to tell you that this article has an end to it!

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New Hotel Causes Uproar

Major Criminal Outpost Bust

Flag Fault?SUNSET VALLEY - Politi-cal representative of City Hall proposed a rather peculiar idea at a press conference that was held yesterday morning. Mr Garth Bronner suggested to the public that it was about time that Sunset Valley had a flag to represent itself. The public was shocked at such a thought, and some even be-gan protesting. Mr Bronner was spotted fleeing the scene, holding up his briefcase to shield himself from various debris being thrown.

Simnation: § 2.00

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Green company prohibits the use of paperProtecting trees is a noble cause, but some companies seem to take their job to protect the environment a bit too seriously.

SUNSET VALLEY - The past few weeks, some small protests organised by conser-vationists have taken place in Sunset Valley. Their main aim was the closing of companies and big concerns that, accord-ing to them, are not ecological enough. The government does not take their demands seri-ously yet, but the tree huggers have achieved one goal: one office in the city has declared itself 100 percent green.‘Many Sims ask me what we

mean by ‘100 percent green’,’ director P. Carter says. ‘It simply means that we guar-antee you that everything we produce here and the whole process that goes prior to it, is green!’This guarantee of utter green-ness leads to some strange measures within the company. ‘In every room in the office, there have to be at least five plants,’ Carter explains. ‘Also, we definitely don’t want to use any kind of electricity, so dur-ing the breaks we use some nice high-tech equipment to generate power with muscle!’Other rules forbid bringing food with you, for food has packing, and using paper for your paperwork. Some em-

ployees cannot stand these conditions and are planning to quit or have even already submitted their resignation. One of them desperately com-plains: ‘How am I going to finish my paperwork without using paper? The management says we should keep all the in-formation in our heads, there’s no need to write it down… And if we need to send a ‘let-ter’, we have to visit our ad-dressees and tell them what we want to say. Without using cars or other motor vehicles!’The strangest thing about this company is that nobody seems to know what the office exact-ly is for. ‘We produce happi-ness,’ Carter says. ‘Greenness and happiness!’

OPINIONSThe government should try to protect trees at any cost.What does our panel think of this argument?

‘Miracle Vehicle’ stuns car-driving worldBRIDGEPORT – Major car producer Simtroën’s freshly launched promotional cam-paign for their newest car model, accompanied by the catchy slogan ‘No accidents. Ever. Guaranteed. Seriously. None. Really.’, caused uproar and excitement in SimNa-tion’s automobile world. In the nationwide campaign that conquered television and the Internet as well as newspapers, magazines and billboards, the multinational claimed to have found ‘the ultimate answer’ to car driving’s safety problems with their ‘Miracle Vehicle’.

In the follow-up commercial, Simtroën did indeed present this ‘ultimate answer’ to the public. ,,We have removed the engine from the car,’’ Simtroën CEO Dave Sobs explains re-vealingly in the ad. ,,Since the vehicle can’t move, it can’t cause any accidents, so prov-ing to be the safest car ever made. That’s not just smart. It’s genius.’’

Car producers and drivers have not yet reacted to this ‘answer’.

Apples interpret opera classics marvellouslyAn aggressive infection in Riverview’s farmland has had a deadly effect on much of this months’ crops, but seemed to affect the apple harvest in a much more remarkable man-ner. The otherwise devastat-ing fruit and vegetable disease instigated a chemical reaction that made small vocal chord tissue develop in the apples’ cores, causing them to pro-duce a sound similar to Pa-varotti’s tremendously loud song, audible within a five mile radius. They have been destroyed since no one in the area could get any sleep.

Just an ordinary day at the ‘100% green’ office.

Agatha LoneaLone wolf

Alessandro GiordanoWomanizer

Richard JonesChubby friend

I believe trees are more im-portant than hu-mans, because they are more important.

I love giving trees to the la-dies, they work even better than red roses!

Trees grow apples. I love apple pie. Er, what was the question again?

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COMMUNITY VOICEPerhaps my picture surprised you. Yes, I am a bird. It’s quite normal, actually. I have a lot of friends who are birds too. What might be ex-traordinary is that I’m the first bird ever to write a let-ter. But believe me, I really needed to. So I flapped my wings, stole a pen from someone in the park and started writing.

What I want you all to know, is that birds these days are ter-rorised. Terrorised, I’m telling you! You Sims, you harrass us all day. You take over our park and you chase us away from the trees which happen to be in your so called gardens. If you think that it’s the bird who poop on the Sims whenever

they want to, you’re wrong. It’s the Sims who poop on the birds! I was pooped on only

yesterday!

Okay, maybe I wasn’t, but stop whining about the details. The point is that this atroc-ity has to end. We birds have suffered enough!I’ll have you know

that if birds won’t be more respected anytime soon, there will be serious consequences! I don’t know which though, if anyone knows good serious consequences, please contact me.

So, Sims of Sunset Valley, don’t play games with me! I am an angry bird!

By an Angry Bird

Mr. and Mrs Sunshine

Yesterday we had the oppor-tunity to witness something quite extraordinary: the wed-ding between local weather lady Solares Lopez and our beloved sun.

‘He is the love of my life. He makes me smile and just brings the heat in our relation-ship. He’s my little sunshine!’ she shouted when they were officially pronounced husband and wife.

While the bride wore a gor-geous white dress and a cute white sunhat, the groom chose for a simple but sophisticated yellowish suit. We didn’t get the chance to congratulate him, but when the bride kissed him it started to rain – so we guess he was very happy as well and couldn’t hold back on his tears. May they be blessed with cute little sunbeams!

New zoo features unusual ‘animals’Though Sunset Valley initially gave its first zoo a warm welcome, now not everyone appreci-ates its concept.

,,This is the biggest tree we have on exhibition in our bo-tanic garden, brought here all the way from Shang Simla,’’ the zoo’s founder Anna Busive explains with a kind smile, pointing a keen finger at a hu-mongous tree during the press tour of the park. ,,And with that I would like to conclude our visit to the new Sunset Valley Zoo!’’ she finishes.

After having seen the entire park in the tour, the flora seg-ment of the park didn’t of-fer much out of the ordinary compared to what one would imagine in a zoo of this size. Instead it was the fauna part where Sunset Valley Zoo real-ly stood out: the many animal

enclosures wherein one would expect gorgeous exotic crea-tures to be weren’t filled with outlandish animals, but with young Sims – from babies to toddlers to children.

The sight shocked the invited press at first. But Miss Busive immediately came to the zoo’s defence: ,,It’s the cursed Sim-Nation government’s fault!” she exclaimed. ,,They have prohibited me from import-ing any animals. That means I can’t bring a single elephant here without getting a high fine! So that got me think-ing: keeping children in small spaces isn’t against SimNation law as long as you feed them. So that’s what I do!’’

Miss Busive refuses to explain where she got the children. The Sim Child Care Organi-sation (SCCO) is preparing to take legal action.

Anna Busive shows the ‘infant pit’ in the zoo’s central segment.

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SPORTS RESULTS

Last month saw the Llama’s first legit win in – well, ever!

The team won against The Falcons by an incredible 56 - 7 without cheating. It seems the team is experiencing a comeback after they were as-signed a new coach, Mr Jeff Kilar. Their next rival match is against the Sloths two weeks from now; a sure win for the team. In other sporting news, the annual Martial Arts Tournament begins tomor-row. Some favourites include 3-time consecutive champion Larry “Da Bomb” Webster, Henry Woods and newcomer Mason Peters. An action-packed, festive and bloody week is expected, so make sure you’re there to see it!

COLOPHONSunset Valley Times was created by:

Brandon DognaJolijnJordy JVtje

MaartenPeterSuzan Wouter

CLASSIFIEDSLost: We’ve lost our adver-tisement. If you’ve found it, we’ll give you free Poopla toilet paper for an entire year (that’s right). It could be that the ad fell in on of our ma-chines and we’d like it back unused. Please contact us on poopla@splash.sn

Found: I’ve found a quarter. It was on my doorstep. I hope someone will pick it up, as it’s

crying for days now. Please contact, 555-2131

Looking for: Someone to get rid of my dead husband’s ghost. It keeps possessing fur-niture, it drives me crazy. You can take a piece of furniture that he possesses. Contact via 555-gh05t

Wanted: A woman who

knows how to eat. Minimum weight of 140kg. Please no diets or desire to lose weight. Meet me in the local snack bar!

Found: Some rain. It just fell from the sky and I have no idea whose it is. If you have recently lost some rain, I as-sume that it might be yours. Please contact me on number 555-0987