Surviving domestic viotenceSurviving domestic viotence

Disturbed by the frivotous[eve[ of debate by membersof parliament on the Combat-ing of Doinestic Viotence Bitttabted in October by the Min-istry of Justice, Sister No-mibia spoke to two survivorsof domestic violence. Hereare their stories.

Anna Jakob's storyI was born in*Berseba. I went to

school'there and wanted to becomea nurse, but I got preghant when Iwas 17 years old, before I could fin-ish standard 6. At that time I did notknoV how my body functions. I didnot even know that I was pregnant. Icould feel this movement in my bodyand it scared me. In those days par-ents did not tell you anything aboutsexuality and how your body works.It was only when my mother askedme if I was still menstruating that Irealised I was pregnant.

When my son was one year old Ileft for Walvis Bay and there I be-came pregnant again and I got twogirls. The father of my first two boysdied of TB. I had 8 children alto-gether but two have died. After leav-ing school I worked in shops and res-taurants, and for six years in a hairsalon.

It was the father of my two young-est daughters who damaged me. Hewas a vbry jealous man. I was notsupposed to even speak to otherwomen, and if I spoke to another manbig quanels and beatings would fol-low. Amere greeting by a man led tothe violent attack that caused the wayI am today.

He often drank rind smoked dagga,

standing of anything. I had to runaway many times. When he startedattacking me I would go away. WhenI came back later he was calm andthen I would stay again.

Every time when he drank hewould beat me. Sometimes'whenpeople spoke to him then he wouldstop. But when I got his second childthings went from bad to worse, thenhe went to Keetmanshoop. After thechi ld was born I also went toKeetmans and we stayed togetherbutthe beatings started again. So I left

Anna Jakob; .". then I heard the voice of my'friend saying "take care, he isstdbbing you!" When I turned round to ask "Who?" it was too late, thebottle was in my eye.

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lucky, I got domestic work soon af-ter I arrived in Windhoek. He cameafter me and found out where Istayed. We had not been together forabout 4 years but when he found meI took him back because we had chil-dren. A month did not pass before thebeatings started again.

One Saturday he and I and a friendof mine went to buy meat. All thetime we were walking he smokeddagga. When we got home he saidthat other men had been speaking tome and so the quarrel started. I con-

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side the house and then I heard thevoice of my friend saying "take care,he is stabbing youl" When I turnedround to ask "Who?" it was too late,the bottle was in my eye. He had bro-ken a bottle and prepared a sharppoint which he used for my eye. Idon't know what happened after that.I woke up in the hospital. The doc-tors told me that they would have totake out the damaged eye before itaffected my healthy eye.

After that the people whom Iworked for dismissed me. I thoughtof going home to l ive with mymother, but decided that I,shouldlook after myself and eventuallyfound a new job al a domest icworker that I still have today.

But being half-blind has changedmy life completely. When I had botheyes I was not struggling so much, Ihad everything tr wanted, I had life.But now I do not have any life, I amcrawling and do not Know when Iwill stand up. I am working but I donot earn enough to even pay for mychild's school fees. My last two chil-dren are still young, the boy is 14years old and he.became a street childwhen he was 10. I have no controlover him. Maybe it's because I amnot able to take good care of themand because I am not able to givethem the things they need.

It was difficult for me to under-stand why the man who said he lovedme did this thing to me.

After I was discharged from thehospital I went to the police to lay acharge and inform thdm where theycould find him. I had to pry open mygood eye to be able to see where Iwas walking on that day. He was ar-rested in Keetmanshoop. He wasonly jailed for four or five monthsand then got released with the pris-oners who were pardoned.

When he came out he made a bee-line for me. He said that he wouldbuy me an artificial eye, that hewouldbuy me expensive glasses, thathe would marry me. So I wentstraight back to the police and toldthem that they hail to do something

about this man who was harassingme again after taking my eye. Theonly feeling I had left towards himwas fear of what he would do nextto harm me.

On the same day the police toldhim that he should not come near meand that he was not allowed to seethe children. He never paid anymaintenance for the children. Hewent back to Keetmanshoop andthere he killed a member of his ownfamily. Had I stayed with him Iwould be in my grave by now.

- He was sdntenced to l4'years andis still in prison. I went to the socialworker in the hope that my childrenwould get a grant from the govern-ment since their father was going tobe in prison for a long time. I did notget any help from the social worker.This is because their fatherls namedoes not appear on the birth certifi-cate bfthe children. I had to let so ofthat as well.

I tried to leave him earlier but hewould find me every time I left. Peo-ple wbuld tell him where I was. I was

- afraid of him. Now I am in a goodrelationship with another man. I amhappy.He does not beat me.

I believe that women who are in asituation like I was should leave.Only separation is a solution. If youstay then you will be damaged in oneor another way. Even if you areChristian you have to let go of abu-sive relations. You cannot stay withsomeone who is abusing you. But Icannot imagine that other women aresuffering the same way I did.

Many times before he blinded mehe would come to my work place andbeat me up there so that I lost the job.This happened so many times. OnceI was working for a pastor but eventhere he would come and beat me up.Each time he would say that hewould not do this again and yet ithappened time and again. He had thesweetest tongue and would talk meinto things.

I hope the new law on domestic vio-lence will make it easier for womento get out of abusive relationships.

Uibasen's* storyI grew up on a farm but we moved

to town before I started school. Iloved singing in the choir and wasvery involved in sport - netball wasmy favourite. Although I wanted tobecome a teacher I left school instandard 6 because my parents wereunemployed. After that I found agoodjob as a salesperson and workedthere until I lost my sight.

My boyfriend with whom I hadthree children blinded me. He did notdrink much but he was very jealous.I was not allowed to speak to anotherman. If a man spoke to me my boy-friend claimed he was proposing tome. If I went to a wedding he claimedI was only there to look for anotherman. There was no trust!

He did not have friends and be-cause he was so jealous I also did nothave friends. We started quarrellinga lot and there would be fights,whether he was drunk or not. He be-came so angry very quickly. My sis-ter often told me to leave him beforesomething terrible happened.

Once he knocked out my frontteeth and I laid a charge and thoughtthere would be a court case but noth-ing happened. When I healed I didnot go back to the police to enquireabout my case. Other times they justtold me to go home and forgive himbecause we had children togbther.

Istayed with him because I did notwant to have children with many dif-ferent men. My first child alreadyhad a different father. After the beat-ings, he would ask forgiveness andbe nice to me. My children lovedtheir father.

That fateful Friday I was wateringthe garden after work when a man Iknew greeted me in passing. When Iwent inside my boyfriend asked whohe was. I said that I grew up in thistown and know many people. I couldsee that he did not like that. That daywas the birthday of the woman wholooked after our children. So webought some beer and cool drinks tocelebrate with her.

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A quarel broke out about some-thing and he threw his glass at me.The glass broke on the wall andwhile I was cleaning up I said "Whyare you throwing a glass at me, whatwould you have done if this glasshad hit my eyes and blinded me?" Ibecame angry and hit him with thebroom. He did not say a word andsat on the bed. I went in and out ofthe house feeling upset.

I wanted to go, to my parents'house, but I went in the house againand decided to go and sleep. In thebedroom he closed the door behindme, holding a cool drink bottle inhis hapd. When I turned arciund hehit me with it on the head. I said"Why are you beating me with thebottle, why are you not hitting mewith your hand? When.you hit mewith th6 bottle you are kill ing me!"I fell. He sat on top of me and whileI tried to block the attacks he hit meagain with the bottle- The bottlebroke and my lefi eye was blinded.At that stage I thought it was theblood that p'revented me from see-ing. Then he hit me the third timewith the broken bottle and that dam-aged the right eye.

One of my girls heard my screamsand said "Daddy, what are you do-ing to mum?" Then he let go of thebottle and the sharp point hit my righteye and blinded me completely.

I was shocked and did not realisewhat had happened and why I couldnot see. He screamed and said "I didsomething very wrong, I cut youreyes !" There was no telephone so wehad to walk to the bus stop to lind ataxi. None of them wanted to takeme to hospital because of the blood,but one sympathetic person stoppedat last. When I realised what had hap-pened I wanted to commit suicide.

The pblice came to me while I wasstill in shock. I don't know what Isaid to them. The nurses said that thepolice would come back later whenI was feeling better, but they neverdid. My boyfriend was charged butgiven bail.

When the court day came he and

"My family came out of thecourt crying and told me no-body had said anything aboutthe fact that lwas blinded bythe at tacK. They said thecase was dismissed. His law-yer came to me afterwardsand realised only then that Iwas blind. Maybe the courtcase took place before thedoctor submitted his final re-port which stated that I waspermanent ly bl ind.. . . o u r g o v e r n m e n t m u s thelp womeh to enforce theirrights. I am so happy aboutthe domestic violence bil l ,wh ich a l lows the personwho has been hurt to speakfor herself and to representhersetf."

his lawyer went in, but I was told towait outside. Everything was fin-ished on that day. My family cameoilt of the court crying and told menobody had said anything abour rhelact that I was blinded by the attack.They said the case was dismissed.His lawyer came to me afterwardsand realised only then that I wasblind. Maybe the court case tookplace before the doctor submitted hisfinal report which stated that I waspermanently blind.

I was hurt so much by the way mycase ri,as dealt with. How could thecourt refuse to hear a person who hasbeen violated so badly? The courthad not said anything about my con-dition and how my children and Iwere going to survive.

People were saying that I shouldappeal. But I knew that appeals takea long time, and that you need a goodlawyer to get any justice. So I de-cided that I did not want to continuewith this case anymore. I was luckyto get advice from women who sup-port others who have been abused,and with their help I decided to claimmaintenance from my ex-boyfriend.

The court eventually ordered him topay maintenance to me for the restof my life and to provide for thechildren until they finish school.

Maybe other women can learnfrom what happened to me. After Iwas bl inded, many women whowere being beaten by boyfriends orhusbands, separated or divorced,said they did not want to lose theireyes. And I told many women aboutthe way the courl dismissed my caseso easily.

My life changed dramatically af-ter this incident. It took me a longt ime to come to te rms w i th myblindness. There were times when Ijust wanted to die. At night I dreamtthat I was gging to work. Even nowwhen I hear the buses in the morn-ing I remember how it was when Iwas working myself.

I have seen all my children. Some-times I want to see them again. Iknow their faces. My sister de-scribes their faces to me and says

they look like me when I was a teen-ager. I am keeping their images inmy heart. I want to see myself againas well, and sometimes I sit in fiontof a mirror urging myself to see.When i t rains the chi ldren somel imessay "Mummy came out in the rainand open your eyes, the rain will healvour eves."

I am happily manied now. I haveaccepted my bl indness and I am sing-ing again in my church choir.

There is so much violence in Na-mibia against women. Most of us callourselves Christians but Christianityis not stopping the violence. When Iwas bl inded I did not know aboulwomen s r ights.

My advice to women is to leaveabus ive men and no l a l low them-selves to be beaten. And our govern-ment must help women to enforcetheir rights. I am so happy about thedomestic violence bill, which allowsthe person who has been hurt tospeak for herself and to representherself. I am urging the parliamentto pass this bill. $,,

(* not her real name)