1$EREPORT

Box 22113 TOFTEN IrV ERROR - NEVER IN DOABT, s . F . c A 9 4 1 2 2

ppy Inde ence Day

NONE FRO!,T COLUUN BS :cHrNA CT,OSES TEE DOOR ON T,ICENSqD CONSUUERTS!,!

BEIJING - Before you throw that Fourth of July cherry bomb, take a moment tomeditate on how lucky you are! You could be living in China where thecit izens wiII soon lose their short,- l ived freedom to consume. Thatts r ight,the fal lout from Tiananmen Sguare is expected to signal a change in directionfor Chinats consumption/production t inetable. Mult igloms, which had hopedto repeat the Korean-Taiwanese paradigrm foresee a retirement of I icensing andrnarketing endeavors as the Chinese retreat from the web spread byinternational media moguls.Music Business cartels (which had inf i l trated China with George Michaelduring the mid-8ots Wham Tour) are expected to lose l icensing revenuestopping $400 bi l l ion. Many industry observers believe that the Time-Warnersmerger and the sale of several international music publishing houses haveall been in preparation for Chinars entry into the globaI entertainment/nedianetwork. Madonna, Michael Jackson, George Michael, PepsiCo and the Chineseedit ion of t tBTTett were al l expected to create a rrGreat Wallrr of consumer

lDue to fax problems, the remainder of ourcorrespondent's report did not arrive - ed.l

FROM th6 Editor

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I4ortosuction@ process by which rrdead weighttt is

yOU CANIT TAKE IT WITH YOU - Last June we warnedabout cosmetic surgery on the dead (see ish 23,"CaTories From Beyond the Grave How to KeepPounds Off Forever.o). This spring two Californiafuneral hornes wilI offer the controversial

removed. Corpses wil l be altered according to the wdeceased. Expect some serious t i t igation on this one!SHARKEY REPORT - Was it mere coincidence that Ray Sharkey's character in "TheIdolmaker" was named Vinnie and that the character who caused his death asSonny Steelgrave on "Wiseguy" was also named Vinnie? The Wiseguy-Idolmakerconnection wil l be more ful ly explored when|tsharkeyrs Cornerrr returns at theend of the suntmer. Unti l then werre featuring an incredible two-parter,rrA&Rts Favorite Wiseguy Quotesrrr featuring some of the best shots and spotsfrom the hot music biz rniniseries.AND TIIE CHANCES ARE GOOD THAT A VEGETABLE IIILL RESPOND TO YOU! Due to atragic computer meltdown, the tabulation of the readership survey has beenpostponed. Expect the astonish ing s tat is t ica l conclus ions next ish. ed.

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R's JURY DUTYr.LET 'S @ SAILINGp

f irst Day. R reported for Jury Duty at 9:30 a.m. The jury asse*bly room hadtwo L9 inch Snarp Unytroni, Uotn tuned to rrHOMErr, hosted by RobrrEntertainrnent tonigfrttt We1ler. Guest host was Dierdre ttClaudia NewquayrlHaI1. The jury assembly room administrator addressed the potential jurors

with what n Uefieved wis : an Audio Technica ATW-1,032 cordless microphone.R was sent to Department L2. After an hour the bail i f f announced, via a Shurel-2L mounted on i gooseneck desk stand, that the case had sett led.

Second Day. In the jury assembly room R watched an ad using Monkeesmusic - t t t ley, Hey wetie l , Iarine Worldtt. R was sent to Department 5, where aIawyer was luing his former client. The former client was counter-suing thefawler for malpfactice. It reminded R of the joke he had heard earlier in theday. [Two law[ers go out to lunch. One lawyer says, "Oh God! I left the safeopen.tr The othLr says rrWhat are you worried about? Wetre both here.rr l

The judge (casting Ed rrsweet eird of Youthrr Begley, .Sr. ) wa-s using abeatjup naaio Shack@ desk mi-c hooked to a waIl-mounted l-O inch Utah speaker.The ju-aqe asked if any jurors had anti- lawyer feel ings. Nobody said Yes,incf r iAing the woman reading Daniel le Steele I s rrWanderlustrr. R was notse lected for the jury .

Third Day. In the jury assembly woman, a large woman (casting - El len ItAIice

Doesn t t t i ve Here r rnu rs t yn ) w is c ry ing , r rNobody w i l l t a l k t o me . I r ve beenhere a week.n R was sent to Department 8, where there was no P.A.The judge (casting - Bob rrThe l,ong Good Fridayrr Hoskins) explained _the case:A stockbroker ordLred a 44 foot Nordic SE custom yacht from a salesman inNewport Beach. A year later, the stockbroker cancelled the deal. The yacht

sa lesman kep t $4 ,ooo o f t he $ l -0 ,000 depos i t .

The judge asked if the jurors could be inpart ial. Helen Purdum, who Rremembered frorn Ralph Records days, was excused when she told the judge thatthe whole thing di jgusted her. R respected her opinion but, as an off icerof the court, was precluded from rnaking similar comments.

The judge asked R what his wife did. R said she was a musician. The judge

asked where she played - with an orchestra? R said no, that she was a streetrnusician. She piayea tne accordion at the Wharf and sold her recordings. Rwanted to say - t iYour honor , i f you could only see her p lay ing, _shers thecutest f i t t fe thing . rr - but R only answered what he was asked.

Fourth Day. During direct examination of the stockbroker (casting QeneHackman I s assistani who gets ki l led at the end of trNo Way Outrr) , R real izedthat Department B was a museum of mid-century off ice design. With theexceptioh of the telephone (a standard AT&T five l ine handset) there was noevidlnce of post ZO-s off ice technology. AI1 of the courtroom staff usedfour-wheeled off ice chairs rather than the safer f ive-wheel design. Theclerkrs typewriter was a manual Smith Corona circa L965; there were noelect r ic o ; e lect ronic keyboards, no CPUs; no PA; no moni tors ; no copier .Nobody had a laptop. When bne of the attorneys needed to calculate interestratesl he asked tor a computer! ! Calculators can compute, but they are notreferred to as computers. R d id not o f fer h is Casio QD l -00.

The only discussion about consumer technology was in relation to the Nordic44SE custom yacht which both parties agreed was a beautiful boat. AlthoughR could share their excitement about the technology, he just didnrt careengugh about sai lboats. During Direct Examination, the stockbroker testi f ied(1) that he didnrt know how to sai l when he signed the contract to buy the$ feo ,OoO yach t i ( 21 tha t t he l oss o f t he $a ,Ooo gave h im an u l ce r and he hadto take Tagemet@; and (3) that he was sure that once the case was over, hisulcer would go away. Opposing counsel (casting Treat rrsmooth TalkrlWil l iams) asked the stockbroker i f winning the case would be as beneficialfor h is u lcer as going to Lourdes.

Fifth Day. During direct examination of the yacht salesman from Newport Beach(cast ing - the guy who p layed Mr. Wi lson in r rDennis the Menacerr ) , R real izedthat Treat Wil l iams, with the right make-up and glasses, could look l ikeJerry Lewis. R also realized how much jury duty was l ike high school. R hadto sit in a room with uncomfortable seats and l isten to people talk aboutthings he didntt care about and if he made a wise crack, he would get introuble. As an off icer of the court, R understood the responsibi l i ty of juryduty but his mind kept wandering back to last nightrs Arsenio HaII show andthe singing performance by Sherman rrGeorge Jeffersonrr Helms1ey. The yachtsa l -esmanrs wi fe (cast ing Phyl l is Newman) was in cour t every day wear ingwhat R believed were Bil l Blass suits. On the way out of court, R learnedthat one of the jurors did the sound for Camper Van Beethovenrs last tour.

Sixth Day. During f inal arguments, the stockbrokerrs attorney (casting - theguy who gave mari juana to the parents in ttTaking Off l t) held up an art icleabout a man who believed that the earth was f lat. rr l rm sure this man believesth is is t rue . just l ike the [yacht sa lesman] bel ieves what hers say ingis the truth.rr Then he held up a copy of the yacht sales contract. I tThisisn ' t a contract r r he sa id, and r ipped i t up.

In order to demonstrate conversion, the stockbrokerrs attorney lunged forh is c l ient ts br ie fcase. The stockbroker grabbed to get i t back. r rThatrsconvers ionr t r sa id the at torney, c lu tch ing the case to h is chest , t rwhen youtake proper ty that doesnt t be long to you. t tR fe l t that th is was a prophet icv is ion of the i r a t torney-c l ient re la t ionship.

Then the stockbroker's attorney got so enthusiastic he lost his train ofthought and h is face f lushed. He asked the jury , I t lsnr t th is exc i t ing?r lR thought that if the courtroom was the set for a Cronenberg movie and theat torneyrs head exploded - that .would be exc i t ing.

F inal argurnents were completed at 5 :30 p.n. The jury to ld the judge that theywould rather stay late than come back on Monday.

The jurysrnokingagainst$ 4 , o o o .

room was col-d because theTrue ) , had to s i t by anthe stockbroker. The juryA t 8 : 5 0 p . n . t h e j u r y ' s

one smoker (casting - Fred rrHammerrr Dyeropen window. The jury reached a verdictvoted to let the yacht salesman keep the

verdict was read. Phyll is Newman startedhe was going to cry, too. R was hungry. I tcrying and Mr. Wilson looked l ike

was a windy San Francisco night.

f &RREPoRTrrshe Wonders About Menrl J

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WITl{ fne"

I have spent a lot of my l i fewondering about men. Why do theydo certain things? For example,I wonder about TV wrestling. Whydo men do it? Why do men watchit,? AIso, I wonder why do menurinate on objects l ike treesand walls. I wonder about thisbecause I am seeing more menurinating in public. Today I sawa man urinate on a truck. Isthis because there are morepeople on the streets or is i talso some kind of statement bymen at the end of the l -980 's?Some of the men I see urinatingdonr t l ook l i ke they ' re s t ree tpeople. They look l ike they havemoney. Why do I think aboutth is? Whatrs wrong wi th me?Wondering Wendy, Spokane, Iga.

Dear Wendy:

Therets nothing wrong with you.I t rs t rue, €rS Freud once sa id,that rrsometimes a cigar is justa cigar, rr but remember thingshave changed a lot since Freudwas a l ive. There are a 1ot moremen and there are a Iot morethings to wonder about. Are al lmen the same? How diffetent cana man be? Good luck, but keepa reasonable perspective on yourconclus ions. Remember, werreal l one b ig subspecies.

rrHe Has A Peepholetl

Dear A&R:

Recently I instal led a peepholeon my f ront door . I t ts a f isheyelens and it makes everythinglook l ike a movie. I look outthe peephole for long periodsof t ine. I have a stool set upso I can eat meals there. Iwatch people walk by and realize

how insulated I am from theworld. When a person comes tomy door, I see indecision in hisface l ike maybe he didntt real lywant to see me. So I neveranswer the door. The peepholeis only 5/8 inch wide but i t haschanged ny l i fe. Whatts wrongwith rne? G.N. , Rome, NY.

D e a r ' G . N . :

Therers nothing wrong with you.Everyone has the right to changetheir perspective. f f yourobsession does not subside,perhaps you can seek out aprofession l ike doorman ormaitre de which incorporatesth is v iew of the human race.Bes t w ishes .

ttHe Doesntt Have Thingsrr

Dear A&R:

I never have 9-vo1t batterieswhen f need them or the threepronged adapters for electr icalcords. I try to buy ahead butit never works out. Whatts wrongwi th rne? K.8. , Belmont , AK.

D e a r K . B . :

Therets nothing wrong with you.Perhaps you should considerjo in ing an accessor ies serv ice,which for a t inited monthly fee,delivers an assortment ofhousehold handyman supplies.Check your yeIIow pages.

WIIATIS WRONG WITH YOU?

If you fee l l ike someth ingrswronq with you, send us yourle t ters ! and wer l l keep them instr ictest confidence (unlesstheytre so r idiculous we haveto show them to a few friends-for some laughs) . Mai l to A&R,P. O. Box 221-1-3, Sunset Stat ion,San Francisco CA 94]-22.