Structure vs. Discipline

Presented by:Diane Wagenhals, M.Ed., CFLEWebsite: www.lakesidednet.com

Course Goals

Appreciate the four broad styles of parenting asadapted to describe ways educators disciplinestudents

Develop a personal philosophy of effectivediscipline

Appreciate the differences between fear-based/anger-based discipline and respect-baseddiscipline

Create an intentional strategy for motivatingparents to be receptive to information on effectivediscipline

Appreciate reasons discipline can be difficult Understand, appreciate and adapt the

Nurture/Structure Highway

We expect to help participants:

Course Goals

Become clearer if they need assistance beingmore confident, particularly related to disciplinetechniques and situations

Embrace the concept of their responsibility to act inan executive capacity as needed with children andthereby become relaxed and calm about being anexecutive

Develop “don’t” sensitivity and practice reframingcommon “don’t” phrases

Eliminate typical unhealthy attitudes, beliefs andbehaviors that are ineffective, unhealthy or toxic forchildren

We expect to help participants:

Four Broad Styles Developed by researcher Diana Baumrind to describe

healthier and less healthy parenting styles Especially helpful in describing ways that parents

discipline children Can also be adapted to describe ways educators

discipline students (as we have done here) Neglectful, uninvolved and distant style: describes

educators who walk away when children aremisbehaving and would benefit from adult intervention.Often they do not know what to do or are afraid that ifthey do get involved it will be an out of control angryreaction.

Four Broad Styles Overindulgent, highly permissive and non-assertive

style: describes educators who use bribes to controla child who is misbehaving or who quickly cave into achild’s demands in order to placate them, often out offear that child will disapprove of them or that thechild’s anger will escalate

Authoritarian, rigid, overbearing, highly controllingstyle: describes educators who insist on immediateobedience and compliance, who often use threats,angry outbursts, harsh punishment and other feartactics to intimidate child into behaving well

Four Broad Styles Authoritative, calm, confident, in charge and yet very

nurturing style: describes educators who combinehealthy nurture with healthy structure and discipline thatinvites a child to grow and mature, to become respectfuland responsible

Educators are encouraged to keep these four styles inmind because each of the three less healthy styles(neglectful, overindulgent and authoritarian) requireseparate and unique attention with regard to ways toaddress the problems and needs of the educators whouse each

Philosophy of Effective Discipline It can be helpful and enlightening for educators to

establish a philosophy of effective discipline Consider what you believe to be true and important

about effective discipline; what your personal valuesand approaches are with regard to leadership

Create a written statement that defines thatphilosophy or a list of values/principles that guide adiscipline event

We also encourage educators to create a written listof strategies and approaches to help them whenparents are resistant or defensive during discussionson the subject of discipline

Educators as Advocates and Ambassadorsfor Effective Discipline

We encourage all educators to be highly intentional, self- and other-aware, and well-equipped with fundamental information about theprinciples, attitudes and skills necessary to discipline effectively.

Students are much more likely to remain emotionally and relationallyhealthy and are much more likely to be attentive and capable oflearning and much less likely to express anger in unhealthy ways.

If and when they do, educators who are able to immediately employprinciples and processes of effective discipline manage that angerexpression quickly and in safe and healthy ways.

The degrees to which children are disciplined effectively in their homesituations can greatly influence their behaviors in the classroom.’Weencourage educators to be advocates and ambassadors for effectivediscipline with all adults who interact with children.

There may be opportunities for educators to present critical conceptsand skills as a way of promoting improved disciplining in the homesituation.

Motivating Others to beReceptive to Information

It can be helpful for educators to have ways they canintentionally motivate others to be receptive to receivinginformation on effective discipline

Examples of statements educators could make toothers to help them be more receptive about receivinginformation on effective discipline follow:– We believe Effective Discipline is critical information

for all adults who have significant relationships withchildren because very few of us have formal trainingto be effective and intentional when we discipline.

Motivating Others to beReceptive to Information

If the adults who interact with children do not takethe time to get clear about their philosophy ofdisciplining, they tend to be more reactive and canpotentially be either very ineffective and/ordestructive.

When the adults who interact with children becomeclearer and more intentional, interactions in general,and specifically when they involve disciplining, ismore satisfying, are more confident and calm andchildren have the safe structure they need.

When adults discipline effectively children tend tobehave in more appropriate ways.

Motivating Others to beReceptive to Information

When adults discipline effectively, children tend to behavein more appropriate ways and are also more likely to beemotionally healthy.

We assume that authoritative educating is the healthiestapproach adults can use in school settings.

Overly permissive educational behaviors and authoritarianeducational behaviors result in children who do not do aswell in school and in life

Authoritative educating is an effective blend of nurture andstructure that meets the emotional and relational needs ofeach child.

This information is important because it can help adultswho work with children become clearer, more intentional,and more effective.

Importance of Repetition

It can be helpful for educators to appreciate thatresponding to adults with acceptance, appreciationand understanding when they gently but firmly,repeat information and new ideas can help moveadults toward acceptance.

It takes as many as 6-10 repetitions of informationfor recipients to assimilate the information.

Typical Ways EducatorsDisciplined in the PastSample List:

Yelling

Sending toprincipals office

Taking away recess

Increasing workload

Humiliation

“Guilting”

Lectures

Shaming

Giving Detention

Taking privileges away

Calling parent(s)

Timeouts

Reasons Why DiscipliningCan Be Difficult Kids are egocentric. It can be so difficult to be an executive. Adults can be afraid to say no and/or worry about harming a child’sself-esteem. Some children are so persistent. Other people’s judgment hurts; parents, caregivers and adults whocare for children can feel so responsible for children’s behavior. It can be exhausting - takes more time to be a conscious disciplinarianand to persist. Adults can be ambivalent - not clear about values, expectations. There can be disagreements among the adults in charge regardingways to discipline. Different adult/child combinations set up different issues. It is an awesome responsibility. There are no guarantees that what you are doing is right. Adults need to consider each child’s temperamental differences.

Fear, Anger, and Respect-BasedDiscipline

Fear-based discipline comes from the belief that children mustbe intimidates, punished, shamed, forced into submission andoverpowered. Respect-based discipline honors that fact that students arechildren and therefore works in progress who need the guidanceand structure from adults around them, even as the dignity andrights of the student are protected. We encourage all adults who care for children to embrace theidea that discipline and anger should be kept separate;discipline involves creating and enforcing healthy structure whileanger needs to be assessed and, if expressed, done so inhealthy ways in which the angry person takes responsibility forhis or her feelings.

Structure Highway

Jean Illsley Clarke’s “Structure Highway” provides ademonstration of the continuum presented in herbook Growing Up Again

This demonstration may help educators understand,appreciate and remember the concept.

It is the balance of nurture and structure that leads tothe healthiest forms of disciplining.

Nurture ChartCharacteristics

Abuse ConditionalCare

AssertiveCare

SupportiveCare

Over-indulgence

Neglect

Involvesrelating to achild byassault,physical orpsychologicalinvasion,direct orindirect“don’t be”messages.Abusenegates thechild’s needs.

Requires thechild to earncare or pay forcare in someway. Careadult gives isbased on theadult’s needsandexpectations,not child’sneeds.

Recognizesthe child’sneeds. Adultnurtures inthis waybecause it ishelpful to thechild,responsive tochild’s needsandappropriate tothecircumstance

Recognizesthe child’sneeds. Carethe child isfree to acceptor reject.Offers help,comfort andlove.Stimulateschild to thinkand do whatthey arecapable ofdoing forthemselves.

Promotescontinuingdependenceon adult andteaches childnot to thinkindependentlyand not to beresponsiblefor self or toothers

Lack ofemotional orphysicalstimulationandrecognitionby adultswho areunavailableor ignorethe needs ofthe child

Structure ChartCharacteristics

Rigidity Criticism Non-NegotiableRules

NegotiableRules

Marsh-mallow

Abandon-ment

Springs fromfear. Rules“written inconcrete”that oftenignoredevelop-mental tasks.Threatensabuse orwithdrawal oflove

Labels theperson withbad namesrather thansettingstandards.Negateschildren andtells themhow to fail.Humiliates.

Rules thatmust befollowed.Provide safetyand security,help childrenmakedecisions andbuild own self-esteem. Firmbut not rigidand can berewritten forwelfare ofclassroom.

Teachchildrenhow to thinkclearly andsolveproblems,raises self-esteem.Childrenlearn to beincreasinglyresponsibleforthemselves

Grantsfreedomwithoutdemandingresponsibilityin return.Discountschild’s abilityand givespermission tobeirresponsible

Lack ofrules,protectionandcontact.Tellschildrenadults arenotavailablefor them.

Structure Highway

Center lanes (Non-Negotiable and Negotiable) are healthy laneswhere we want to remain.

Next lanes of the highway (Criticism and Marshmallow) areshoulders indicating we don’t want to drive there, but everyonecan sometimes get off track

Outer lanes (Rigidity and Abandonment) are equivalent to drivingoff the highway and into the ditch. Definitely unhealthy,dangerous and need to be avoided.

If we go into the ditch, outside help may be needed to get out.

Clues You May Need ConfidentClassroom Management

Educators can ask themselves to consider if theyfrequently feel one or more of the following:

~ out of control~ angry~ that you are often bargaining~ defensive~ often in power struggles~ that you must argue your point~ manipulated by child~ in need of child’s approval~ fearful of child’s anger, power, disapproval

Source: How toDiscipline WithoutFeeling Guilty byMel Silberman

Clues You May Need ConfidentClassroom Management Educators can ask themselves to consider if they

frequently feel one or more of the following:~ compromised or helpless~ need to convince/cajole child to get compliance~ resentful~ like you are “walking on eggs”~ unsure of your right and duty to be final authority~ that child’s needs are more important than yours~ your own self-esteem is tied up with child’s expression ofacceptance~ that you must battle to get your way with child~ that you need child to appreciate what you are doing

Executive Role

It is important that educators embrace the concept oftheir responsibility to act in an executive capacitywhen needed

Being in-charge involves the “4 C’s”~ Calm (body language, voice tone, eye contact)~ Clear (specific descriptions)~ Confident (assertive attitude)~ Compassionate (feelings of sympathy with desire tohelp) Adults to not have to be mean to be in charge.

Executive Role

Effective discipline helps educators avoid:

~ Power struggles~ Intimidation~ Confusion

Adults who discipline effectively continue to care for andrespect the children while they take charge.

It is okay to be firm, even unmovable.

Executive Role

Discipline is effective only if educators consider andset reasonable expectations for children based oneach child’s”~ Age and developmental stage~ Developmental tasks~ Uniqueness~ Maturity~ Situational factors~ Temperamental characteristics, learning styles~ Ability levels~ Needs

Executive Role

Assertive, confident leadership involves:

~ Embracing an overall attitude of confidence~ Knowledge of appropriate techniques and skills

Four Basic Skills of Being aConfident and Assertive Executive Consider the degree to which you know when and

how to:

1. Be Clear

2. Be Direct

3. Give Reasons Freely

4. Show Interest

Underlying Beliefs

Consider the degree to which you know/believe eachstatement is true for you:

~ It is your right and duty to act in an executive role.~ Kids don’t have to like rules and decisions.~ You are a benevolent authority; classroom is not ademocracy.~ You can do all the things that promote and maintain achild’s positive self-esteem AND maintain your executiveauthority.~ You can have confidence in your judgment.~ Children do not have to approve of your decision.

Underlying Beliefs

Consider the degree to which you know believe eachis true for yourself:

~ It is okay for children to momentarily feel hateful,angry, rebellious, upset, mistreated and express thosefeelings if done so respectfully.~ It is okay to be flexible, to change your mind, evenallow yourself to be swayed at times from a position ofstrength.~ No matter what your decision, the bottom line is thatthe ultimate power to be the executive is yours.

“Strings Attached” Approach

Educators are often unaware they employ the“Strings Attached” approach.

Educators sometimes secretly hope that if they arenice to children, children will act nicely in return.

Most children are not mature enough to respond tothe concept of fair giving and receiving.

With less mature children it is more appropriate andfairer to do things and give things freely, withoutstrings attached.

“Strings Attached” Approach

Involves believing you can get the executive jobdone through caring and understanding alone.

Involves a lack of awareness of the nature ofchildren.

Involves feeling betrayed by children becauseunrealistic expectations are not being met.

Children may comply to gain approval or may rebel. None of these outcomes promotes self-esteem, self-

respect, self-discipline or preserves a positiveadult/child relationship.

“Don’t” Sensitivity

It may help educators to appreciate that using “don’t”statements may sometimes actually increase thepossibility of a child misbehaving.

There are three steps to responding to a “don’t”statement.

First the child has to picture or think about what he orshe is NOT supposed to do.

Then he or she has to add the command to NOT do it. Third, he or she has to know or decide what to do

instead.

Behaviors to Avoid These behaviors are defined as less healthy and

potentially harmful for children, yet they are often typicalmethods used to get children to behave or comply.

Each has the potential to damage a child’s self-esteem,confidence or emotional intelligence.

None maintains a child’s dignity or sense of self-worth. Many of these may be familiar because when we were

children many were used on us.

Behaviors to Avoid It may take awhile to eliminate any of these less healthy

forms of discipline.~ Speaking and behaving in an angry, out of control way~ Warning or threatening~ Preaching, moralizing~ Blaming, shaming, accusing~ Ascribing motives, interpreting, analyzing~ Competing with the child~ Scare tactics, prophecies, magic spells~ Broad generalizations~ Name-calling, mocking, using sarcasm~ Emotional punishment~ Physical/corporal punishment

“Think About” Homework

Educators are invited to consider the four broadstyles of parenting as applied to classroommanagement techniques.

Educators are encouraged to consider theNurture/Structure Highway analogy and the balancebetween the two.

Educators are invited to consider how disciplineinformation would benefit parents and opportunitiesthey may have to share this information with them.

Educators are encouraged to adapt this informationto enhance classroom management skills.

Recommended Reading

Ghosts From the Nursery. Robin Karr-Morse and Meredith S.Wiley, 1997.

Growing Up Again. Jean Illsley Clarke, 1998. How to Discipline Without Feeling Guilty. Melvin L. Silberman

and Susan A. Wheelan, 1980. Kids Are Worth It. Barbara Coloroso, 2002.