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Strategies for Reaching and Teaching Non-Cooperative

Kids

Part 2 (‘Verbal Aikido’)

Webinar Transcript

_____________________________

Dr Tom McIntyre

In association with Classroom-Expert.com

Includes:

How to enhance the chances of cooperation,

How to establish positive student-teacher connections,

How to promote self-discipline (in the students and us)

WWW.CLASSROOM-EXPERT.COM

TOM McINTYRE: Strategies for Reaching and Teaching Non-Cooperative Kids Part 2

© 2012 Tom McIntyre www.behavioradvisor.com

Strategies for Reaching and Teaching

Non-Cooperative Kids Part 2

Dr Tom McIntyre

In association with www.classroom-expert.com

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Copyright 2012 Tom McIntyre

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Webinar date: 14th April 2012

Tom: Welcome everyone to Part 2 of Reaching and Teaching Non-Cooperative Kids and thank you sincerely for accommodating our time change.

Given that it's been a few months since the previous webinar, please allow

me to do a quick review. I realize that for some it may seem a bit repetitive, so please excuse me, but I can't help myself. It's a holdover

from my many years that I spent as head of my school district's

department of redundancy.

When we land on the page in the dictionary for noncompliance we find this definition or something similar “failure to abide by directions and

routines.” It's a vague, nebulous, undefined explanation that needs to be operationalised, so here goes.

An authority figure presents command. An attentive student comprehends

the command or the request. The student has the skill in his or her behavioural repertoire and the learner failed to comply with the direction

within a reasonable period of time and to a reasonable standard. All we need to add in there is the presence of a reasonable teacher.

Any time we intervene, any failure to comply on the part of the student is

defiance of some sort. We previously emphasized that it's important to

self-check that our professional head is still on our shoulders throughout a behavioural incident. It helps us to avoid engaging in those same tired

practices that already didn't work for other teachers and aren't working for us right now.

Of course calm voices didn't work initially either, but to promote pro-social

actions in kids who aren't showing an appropriate behaviour pattern yet, the cool, collected voices need to be combined this time with effective

verbal practices. How we phrase our calm responses is of paramount importance. That's our focus in the final half hour. It was the focus in our

final half hour when we talked last time; it's our focus again today.

How to use a calm approach effectively. You can be nice and be the captain of your classroom at the same time. The verbal strategies that

we're going to cover here today combine nicely with just about any




practices that you have in place in your educational setting and they increase the effectiveness of them.

They work with humans age three to death. Now I know that one size fits all it's a lie in fashion and it's a lie in education, but perhaps here today

with these verbal practices we have one size that fits nearly all. Spandex strategy so to speak. Now in fashion, wearing spandex should be a

privilege, not a right, you've got to earn it.

In education this approach should be a mandate. Symptom estrangement, separating the behaviour from the youth. We previously covered this

principle that was first espoused back in the day, it is now found embedded in CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy. Essentially what that's

all about is why how we size up a situation influences our feelings, which influences then our reactions.

I, like many who work with kids who exhibit behaviours that can bring out

negative feelings in us, had to remember to hate the behaviour, not the kid. To separate the child from the action. The behaviour is our target

even though the child holds it. With this mindset and this cognitive

framework we can team up with the youngster against that abhorrent behavioural pattern.

Battling with our charges is a counterproductive endeavour because with

many of our kids we can't mandate that they comply, we can only invite them in. Punishment has failed to modify the kid's pattern of behaviour.

We know that we work harder for those we admire and respect.

The common wrong-headed knee jerk reaction to non-compliant behaviour is oftentimes justified with comments like, you know, it's all they

understand. Well, then, let's give them a new understanding. I mean, that's what teachers do right? Well, we use what they know, failing to

realize what they know is what got them to this point in the first place, realizing that we need sometimes specialized training in how to help these

kids behave in a better way.

Well, that's online at Rob's behaviourneeds.com, and visit my site, too,

there's a lot there to help you work with kids who can be non-cooperative. With regards to punishment, research tells us that punishment is the

wrong approach to handling misbehaviour. Any compliance on the youngster's part is not voluntary, resentment is harboured.




Punishment does not teach. We will not teach the youngster a replacement behaviour by merely punishing. When we ask, why do you

keep doing this? The answer is, because you haven't taught me what to do

in its place. Those who are punished feel bad about themselves and/or strike back in your face or behind your back.

Remember, it's hard to like a punisher. Punishment prevents and destroys

positive relationships. We want to win our youngsters over at the level of the heart by building strong interpersonal relationships, knowing that it's

human nature to work harder for those you like.

You've got to like the messenger if you're going to listen to the message. Positive bonds allow us to teach the new behaviour remembering that

teaching is more than telling. We can now work with that youngster rather than on that youngster.

Our congenial and knowledgeable host Rob has a whole load of materials

on his site about creating connections with kids. I've developed extensive materials that I'm going to be putting on my site, behavioradvisor.com, in

mid July as I upload volumes of new material to the redesigned site, but

back to the show.

Once we've got our heads on straight, professionally speaking, we're calm, we use well-phrased commentary, and then we can reach through that

behavioural barbed wire that's worn by a lot of our non-compliant kids. We can now shake hands rather than strike out with them, which analogously

speaking leads us to verbal aikido.

Caring and competent teachers like our martial arts counterparts defend themselves by throwing their opponent off balance, but we’re always

concerned with the well being of that assailant and would try to avoid injuring him or her. We stand up for ourselves, but we refuse to hurt back.

Like our physical counterparts we use blocks and circular movements. Our

mission is to subdue the inappropriate behaviour, but not the spirit of the

child. We reach out. We do not allow ourselves to be walked over by misdirected student actions. We're forthright, but we're caring and the

result, positive feelings developed toward each other and respect is exchanged.

When kids are poking at our soft spots we need to stand back and think.

There is a kid in crisis who right now needs a competent, caring adult. Yes, I hate that behaviour, but I am going to embrace the child who




displays it. Well, how so? When we're defied we remind ourselves of our role as teacher, mentor, caretaker, interventionist and we model and

teach our verbal displays of respect and assertiveness.

The verbal aikido strategies that we're going to be discussing today defend

us; allow us to appear confident and competent. They promote and maintain positive child/adult bonds, teach inner management of behaviour

and they're subtle and alluring. What's not to like, to use a New York City phrase “huh.” That's “eh” for our Canadian colleagues.

Subtlety can be lost on kids who come from homes that use direct

communication, households where adults utter straightforward, abrupt commands in a threatening manner, something that we're not supposed to

do in the schools and is unbecoming of professionals with the esteemed title of educator, which begs the obvious question, if it goes over their

heads how are we going to help them?

How are we going to help them get it, so to speak? Well, kids realize that we attempt to direct them in a supportive manner previous to an official

warning or a disciplinary consequence. They see the link there. They see

the connection. Oh, that teacher was giving me a nudge, a hint, a cue, trying to work with me, and over time our subtle ways of phrasing things

are hints, are prompts to the youngster to engage in appropriate behaviour.

Figuratively speaking, over time our outstretched hand is then grasped

rather than slapped away. The advantages that accumulate with the use of these strategies include an improved ability in students to size up a

situation and see their role in it, the role they play in it. More behavioural restraint and engagement in pro-social alternatives to the behaviour that

concerns us and a brighter future.

Here are our interventions, the basic moves in verbal aikido. Some folks who use more aggressive and assaultive verbal strikes might say, hey,

these things are too soft to work with my hardened kids, and due to a lack

of coercion these approaches might be viewed as the educational equivalent of being soft on crime, that's a faulty analogy.

We want to avoid using more of what already isn't working. Instead of, if a

hammer doesn't work get a bigger hammer, no, we don't want to get tougher, we want to get smarter. These ideas only appear to be cushy. In

actuality there is an iron hand in a velvet glove. My performance with non-




cooperative, defiant and aggressive kids shot up tremendously in effectiveness when I became privy to them and placed them into practice.

We'll cover these interventions in order, leaving out the last two for perhaps another time together. There's also the hazard of viewing these

approaches as behavioural pabulum, baby food. We might listen closely and say, gee you know, any good teacher would do this stuff he's talking

about. Yes, however, we need to remember that recognition isn't recall.

Being able to pull it out of your brain during a behavioural event and putting it into practice, that's the high level of skill that we want to

develop. We want to move to that higher level of knowing. In the first webinar we covered the three parts of a good direction.

Say the name that catches the student's attention and identifies the focus

of our command. Tell the students what to do versus what not to do and this word, "please" which teachers still debate its use to this day. Is it

pleading or is it a social skill that we want to model for our charges?

Do we use it if we have to repeat a direction? I guess we all have our

different styles, but personally I make use of it at all times. When I intervene in a situation my voice and my body language indicate that I

belong there and I am strong even though I may be quaking on the inside.

We can enhance the impact of our direction by giving a reason for compliance. Please sit so we can begin. Please raise your hands so I can

call on you. Then the pupil thinks, gee, the teacher isn't just barking out orders, there's a rationale behind what he or she says.

We use serious self-confident body language and facial expressions, even

though again we may be shaking in our boots at that particular moment. We keep that command short in length, the laconic language that we

talked about last time. If we go too long kids hear "this is the third time that you yakety, yak, yak, blah, blah, blah".

Our kids with lesser language skills might get lost in the extensive verbiage. We use gestures and motions, pointing to the seat, waving the

youngster up to us and we identify the benefits, the payoff to showing the appropriate actions, rather than do it or you're getting this, it's do it so

that you can keep or gain this wonderful thing.

Point out how it behoves the youngster to comply with your direction. Never say never again. Rob will tell you on his website and he's just




backing up what the research says, that the brain does not hear void words, no, don't, stop, never. Instead, the brain attends to the action

word that follows. Saying don't do something actually suggests that action

to the person. Saying stop spurs it on.

Avoid battles by avoiding the word you. Now neutral and positive uses of you are great. You did it, or did you have a chance to talk with Ali about

the project? We want to eliminate the negative and the condescending "you" so we need to change our focal point in order to win the game in

which our goal is to win them over.

Magnetize the words on the left side of the card so that our mind always points toward them, so that when we're selecting words we choose ones

that are lexicon champions. Here's your eye exam. One of these utterances is poorly worded. Hang your hat on it. Which one these things

is not like the other? Which one? Yes. Number two. It has an embedded negative you message.

The others ones talk about what I need, what we want, how our class does

this and points out positivity, but, number two, the embedded you

message there, the last three words, you throw things. We want to cease and desist from the labelling and the accusations. Watch out for those slip-

ups.

Keep the "you" neutral or positive. Now, last time we parted this task was your homework. Rob, you must have received volumes of responses in

your email file. Would you read some of them for us right now?

Rob: Can you hear me, Tom?

Tom: I can, Rob.

Rob: Yeah, do you know what? I don't think anyone did their homework.

Tom: Not one?

Rob: I know you sent the homework and I know you said there were to be no

excuses, but you know I don't think I got one back.

Tom: Okay, I'm going to try to control my emotions here. Control your emotions, Tom. Avoid negative you messages. I need for all of our

audience members to think up an "I" message for this activity. In your




response box send Rob a well-phrased message to handle this situation. Consider the recommendations that we covered in the earlier slides.

I, me, us, we are. Keep it positive. If the word "you" is in your response be sure it's neutral or positive, not a negative condescending "you".

Related to this homework thing, right now on my professional Facebook page we have a strand on helping kids who are not yet submitting quality

homework to do so.

I realize that I think CBS News declared Facebook no longer cool and I take full and total responsibility for that state of affairs, but for those of

you who are interested in homework we continue to post ideas every day on how to motivate kids and give them the power to do so. Rob, has

anything come in from our audience?

Rob: Yes, we've got a lot through. That's great. I wonder if we could put the other slide up though just to give them some pointers just so they can see

the previous one.

Tom: That would help.

Rob: Okay. Cool. I'm going to read one out which I think was said in jest. This

was said in response to a student who hasn't done homework right?

Tom: If we're talking about this particular one we've got a youngster who is using pencils to roll back his eyelids and he bulges out these eyes and

sticks out his tongue, making this freaky face. We see the first one that we tried to ignore down in the lower right-hand corner there, but it

wouldn't be unusual I believe to have some frazzled teachers say, are you crazy or something, what are you doing that for? What are showing that

numb-skull behaviour for? Did we receive anything related to that situation?

Rob: Yes, we did indeed. Okay. The first one was, Freddie, I feel sick when you

do that, which, as I said, I think was in jest.

Tom: I think there is a message there and using perhaps a little bit of humour or

that phrasing to stay connected with the youngster while we're talking with him or her. I'm talking about how it affects us. Now for a lot of my

kids when I initially met them they didn't care if I got upset or if I felt sick, but it's over time as you build the positive interpersonal bonds with kids

that they say, you know, I don't want to disappoint this person and they're more likely to comply.




Rob: It was actually my good friend, Angel Rat, who's on quite a few of our

webinars and she did explain that she was meaning it like that, yes, with

you. Okay. What else do we have? I need everyone to look this way from Paula. I've got about ten if you want me to read through them. Shall I do

them one at a time and you give feedback?

Tom: No, why don't we read through the slew of them and go for a consensus or a summary.

Rob: Okay. Cool. Great. So, Paula said, “I need everyone to look this way.”

Ricardo said, “I think you look better without this grimace.” Julie said, “I need everyone to be quiet and facing forward so we can finish our lesson.”

Kathleen said, “I need you to put your pencil to your paper and write me a good sentence.”

Steven, from timesaversforteachers.com said, “Hi, Tom, just a quick

hello.” Hi, Steven, good to hear from you my friend. Kathleen said, “I need you to put your pencil to your paper and write me a good sentence.” Mary

said, “I would like to see you getting started with the [inaudible 28:15]

activity.” Just a few more, we've got loads. Thank you so much for the response here people. Everyone has put loads of comments in.

Raquel, “I need your help and attention for the next task.” Cheryl, “We

should all be focused on our work right now.” Pat, “I need all of us to focus on the task at hand.” Esther, “Sorry, I didn't understand the question.”

That's possibly my fault.

Tom: It appears as if everybody did their homework, Rob, they just didn't submit it. I'm feeling like I'm preaching to the choir here and so maybe at

this point it's time to move onto some of the new material.

Rob: Cool.

Tom: What we're going to be doing here is looking at what do I do when

strategies that work right then, that promote inner management over time so that outer control is needed less, that promote positive feelings and

interactions and exude the best of what we could be, authoritative, masterful, compassionate and one who models appropriate behaviour?

Ways of addressing resistant behaviour when our routines and our

classroom management system and our skilful teaching fail to gain the consistent cooperation of some of our students. Yes, any good teacher




would do these things, but even good teachers need to ask themselves, am I doing these things with that particular kid often enough and with

consistency?

Now, can they oppose our directions if we don't give them? Well, I'm sure

that some of our kids with the psychiatric label of oppositional defiant disorder could figure out a way. Nothing is ODD proof, but questioning

makes it harder to be non-cooperative.

We rely here on a trait of human nature, to answer questions asked of us, although some like politicians have learned to view a question on one topic

as a cue to talk about something entirely different, but when it comes to composing our questions, remember that assignment back when you were

in school.

To interview someone asking the 5 Ws and an H question, who, what, when, where, why and how. We use any of these reporter questions other

than why, to which we will never get a straight answer from a youngster who feels that he or she is under an inquisition. So who, what, when,

where, never why, and how. Given these examples on the slides let's

apply it to a situation where we'll replace the extended commentary of an overheated teacher's negative emotional rant.

Consider the case of Cosmo. Cosmo walks into the classroom with a

typical 40-pound, 18-kilogram, what is that, about 3 stones backpack and he finds a seat and he places his bag on the floor next to it. The teacher,

irritable from some life circumstances that aren't going too well right now, finds an outlet for the unresolved issues.

“Hey, Cosmo, Cosmo, do I have to put up a neon sign to get your

attention? What are you doing?” Cosmo isn't quite sure to what the teacher refers. “Why isn't there a notebook and a pen on your desk? Get

you head in the game.” And our perpetually disorganized Cosmo gives the shocked look of recognition, smiles meekly, pulls his backpack around to

his lap and searches for the zipper tab while looking over at a kid who just

called him dork or nerd or whatever the put-down word is that's used in your corner of this granite planet.

Why would another student say such a thing to a kid in distress? Well,

most likely she's siding with the power person. Yes, it's caustic and coercive power, but she's siding with the power person to protect herself.

Doing this, saying this awful thing to another kid to prevent an emotional




firestorm from coming at her, making the oppressor believe that she is one of his minions.

Oh, but the tirade continues. “Hey, get to it. Let's go.” And he's trying, but the pressure on him just makes for more difficulty. The perturbed teacher

then reminisces negatively about things, “You know you always take too much time to do these things. It's this way every day. Get out your

notebook now and not next week. Put your hands on it, boy. Gees’, I've seen faster legs from a 3-legged turtle with a hernia.”

The denunciation carries over ad infinitum, ad nauseum. But then history

repeats itself as a hero rises from the masses to lead his oppressed people. One kid has been paying attention to the anti-bullying curriculum

that's required in many states over here in the U.S. He knows that if you can't avoid a bully you've got to stand up to them and that bystanders are

powerful and they team up in the name of good and civility.

The lesson here, don't use a sledgehammer to swat a fly. It causes a whole lot of damage and we rarely achieve our goal. Why is it that getting

tough is the way to treat everyone except us? Hey, you didn't have to do

that to me, you just could've talked to me and asked. But let's go back to our strategy, asking a question. What question could've been asked of

Cosmo?

Send your offering to Rob and he'll forward it to the rest of us. Yes, don't do anything that would cause you to file a complaint if your administrator

treated you in that way, sort of the inside out version of the Golden Rule. Don't do unto others whatever you wouldn't want done unto you. Rob, has

anybody offered us a question that we might have asked of Cosmo?

Rob: Yeah, right off, straight from the starting box there we've got my good friend, Angel Rat, I love that name, “Good morning Cosmo, got your stuff

ready?” We've got Rachel saying, “Cosmo, are you ready to start?” We've got Lindsey, “Cosmo, what materials should be on your desk?” We've got

Cheryl, “Cosmo, what materials do we need out right now?” Sorry if my

phraseology is off the mark. I'm sorry, I'm just reading them as they come on. Mary Todd says, “Hey, Cosmo, glad to see you today.” I like that

one.

Tom: Yes, I like that greeting initially starting off on the positive.

Rob: Nice. Esther, “Where are your notebook and your pencil? Do you need some help to find it?” That's nice, too. Offering some support.




Tom: What should be on your desk? How do we show that we're ready to learn

and all these other fine ones that are coming in.

Rob: Should I go through them, we've got loads of interaction here, Tom. Loads

of people saying it.

Tom: Well you're the one eyeballing it, Rob, so I'll let you make that choice.

Rob: Okay. I just don't want to take up too much of your time, but I think it's nice to let people hear their names, so Maria, “Cosmo, what do students

need to have out on the desk when they come to class?” Paula, “Can everyone sit down and take out their books? Jill, “Cosmo, do you need any

help with unpacking your backpack?” “Cosmo, glad you're here. Are you ready to work this morning?”

Carrie, Mark, “Are you all right there? Please take out your equipment.”

Kathy, “Hi, Cosmo welcome to class. What items do you need to have out on your desk to take part?” Jen, “Cosmo, put your pen and notebook on

the desk, please. Maria, “Cosmo, I'd like you to get ready to start.”

Ricardo, “Didn't you forget to put out your pen and notebook?

Mary, “Hey, Cosmo, glad to see you today. Do you have what you need on your desk?” Philip wrote, “Cosmo, what do you need on your desk right

now?” Two more, Mary Claire, “What do you need on your desk, Cosmo?” Connie, “What do you need to get ready?” Cool. Thank you, everyone.

That was great. I'll hand you back over to Tom.

Tom: Yes, I can't wait to listen to the replay, write those down. I'll present them to my students and claim that those good questions were mine.

Rob: Well, I'm going to print out this question sheet and I think I'll bang it

straight onto the Ivy Leagues, as well. Thank you.

Tom: All right. We should post some queries regarding our queries. In order for

our approach to work, this asking of questions, some prerequisites need to be in place. We need to assess whether they're present. Is the student

aware of what needs to be done in this situation? Is the behaviour in his or her skill base? Does the young one see a benefit to displaying the desired

action? If not, why would he comply?

Behaviouralists will tell us that any behaviour you show has a purpose. If it didn't, you would stop showing it. It's either positively or negatively




reinforced. Positive reinforcement if that behaviour or that action brings something you desire to you, or negative reinforcement that actually

makes something negative or undesirable stay away or go away.

So there has to be a benefit for the youngster to comply. Perhaps the

most recommended strategy for working with non-compliant kids is offering them options. Choices work well with non-cooperative kids. It

allows them to escape the task, the directive, but not the task itself. It gives them some power and some say in what happens to them. Any kid

doesn't want to do anything different from his or her peers.

Maybe they're just not good at taking directions at this particular moment. Choices allow them to feel they have some say in the matter. They do

have power that's going to be subtly directed by us. We don't use choices all the time, we have so many other ways to connect with kids and

convince them.

However, there are times we recognize that offering choices is the preferred path if we're going to get anything accomplished today with this

student. Our increasing rapport and the development of self-management

in the young one through the use of the verbal aikido strategies will increase compliance and cooperation in future days.

There is a hierarchy of types of choice offerings. I see this first form in

some textbooks and I think to myself, what choices do we see here? There's no free will. In actuality these choices are threats thinly disguised

as options. But the kids I used to teach these aren't so much choices as invitations to argue with me. Most kids don't need this pushy approach to

gain their cooperation.

It incites kids that we refer to as being defiant or oppositional. We choose to stand up to this condescending controlling approach. This style of

choice offering does have a small place in the corner of our professional bag upon the exhibition of heinous acts and emergency situations, but

essentially the first type places them in a conundrum, into the horns of a

dilemma.

They have two options, neither one is acceptable. In the more refined version it's an assertive, gently worded, face-saving prod. Will you be

completing the assignment now or later? I've got a 3:00 and a 3:15 opening. Take a moment and then inform me of your preference when I

return, or if you'd like to complete it later it can be during lunchtime or




after school ends, but if you'd like to do it right now I can help you. After I answer Coretta's question I'll return to hear what you've decided.

Typically, we find the youngster engaged in the task upon return, at which time we determine if we should stay to offer personalized instruction in

order to teach and personally connect with them. In the best version, in respectful phrasing offer authentic choices for completing the task.

Suppose we have a student who refuses to serve on the clean-up squad.

You might say, as a member of this week’s clean-up crew you play an essential role in our classes’ effort to keep our lab area safe and

organized. Every role is a vital one. Which one suits you? Room master, wiper, equipment monitor, supply checker, overseer? We make it known

though that this privilege is only valid today.

We get the student to contribute today and prevent the problem for tomorrow. Later in the day or early tomorrow we might convene a quick

meeting with the --- to talk about the incident and the expectations for personal and group responsibility in our classroom.

Here's an activity with a partner or alone, see you have options here. Think of a situation in which you could offer choices in order to spur

participation. You can use any of your graphic organizers, but there are a few unacceptable choices. I'm not telling you what not to do, just suggest

an activity to you. Okay, let's place it into a direction with an “I " message bent and a reason for engaging in the expectation. Follow them with a

little bit of encouragement which [inaudible 43:30] believed was more effective than praise in changing behaviour for the better. Here goes.

I need for all members of our group to take part in this interesting and

instructional activity so that we can make use of this strategy in our classrooms tomorrow. I know that your contribution will lead to an

interesting exchange of thoughts. Maybe it's the best phrase in laconic language. Hey, listen up, or if too much choice in the matter is causing

brain lack as with letter man hero here, gees, Spanish-speaking letter man

would have 28 choices, Chinese Kanji man would have thousands of uniforms to lay out.

As I was saying, if I offered too much flexibility you can select this set of

circumstances for our activity. A student delays beginning his or her journal entry and we ask, “What should we be doing right now?” A well-

phrased question. She replies, “I'm not in the mood to write in my journal today.” Instead of saying start writing or I'm going to write an F in my




grade book, right now write into your response box and send some choices to Rob.

Think about the writing tool options that might be offered. Could you accept another type of product other than the essay that reflects what's

transpired since the scholar left school yesterday? Might you allow a different subject to be the topic of the essay rather than what's transpired

since you left school yesterday? Strain your brain and devise some acceptable, Rob, I'm going to turn it back to you while I get a new set of

lips.

Rob: I was going to say do you want to have them tangling your tongue? Tom, I particularly like, before I read out some of the things that are coming in,

the way you introduced that activity on the previous slide, not letter man, the one before that. The one before that - where you introduced the task

before that slide.

Tom: This one here?

Rob: Yeah. What was it you said? It was a positive phrasing to introduce the

task.

Tom: I'm sorry, Rob, that has since gone elsewhere in my mind.

Rob: Okay. I'll get it on the recording. It was very good. So onto the ones that are coming in. I'll just give you one question that you can be thinking

about while I read the rest of them. A few people have written this, so it's quite a pertinent question. Let me find it. Maria has asked, “What if they

refuse to do both choices? Do I pick for the student then myself and what if the student continues to refuse? How do I hold the student

accountable?” Tom, a few people have asked that and while you're thinking about that I'll just read out some of the questions. Okay?

Tom: Or I can address that right now, if you wish.

Rob: Cool. Yeah, I think Maria would appreciate that.

Tom: There is an old folklore in our profession what’s known as the 80-15-5 rule. Any one particular intervention you use will work really well with

80% of the kids, work fairly well with 15%, they might delay and hem and haw or give you a not-up-to-par response and it won't work at all with 5%

of our kids, thus the need to have a professional bag that is just full of tools.




Not just a hammer, not just a screwdriver, but a lot of different tools so

that when one isn't appropriate to the job, one is not suitable for what it is

we’re trying to accomplish or fails miserably we've got a backup. Any one thing that we decide to do increases in effectiveness if we develop positive

relationships with the youngster.

It is just human nature to comply with people that we admire, that we respect, that we enjoy being around, so we're always working on that,

realizing that sometimes kids go into the lower brain and we can no longer reason with them. But, hopefully, because we've built that bond they see a

trusted individual in front of them and they will accept that guidance and they will cool themselves off more quickly.

But for a kid who says, “I ain't doing it and you can't make me do it,” then

I would then have to move to something more directive. Certainly, I would try to reason with the youngster, but if I can't it would be, “You need to

listen and do this now in order to keep recess, in order to be able to go home on time, in order to be able to engage in that project with a group

rather than with me,” or tell them the benefit of showing the behaviour. If

that doesn't work then we probably have to go to our comprehensive classroom management system that officially starts out with a warning.

I dislike that word, I like reminder. Someone says that's your warning,

that doesn't work too well with me, I say this is your reminder. But even before the reminder or the warning and we start through our series of

consequences that become progressively more punitive, I'm doing all these other things before the official first response. Trying to distract the

student, trying to get a smile on that youngster's face, so, yes, the 80-15-5 rule applies with choices, just like everything else and we need some

backup.

Rob: Cool answer. Thank you Tom, that was really well explain. I hope that helped Maria and anyone else who is coming up with the same question.

Shall I go through some of the responses?

Tom: Oh, please do.

Rob: Okay. Starting at the top. Okay. I'll pause after each one if you want to

give some feedback. Okay? This one is from Claire, “Okay, then, as long as I have it done before tomorrow.” Kathy, “How about writing me a brief

story board or a poem instead?” Mary, “Would you prefer to use your




pencil, the iPad or draw a picture in your journal?” “I'd like to use the iPad, please.” I'm sure that's going to come out a lot.

Tom: Will somebody send me one?

Rob: Lindsey, “Would you prefer to type your response today on the computer or tell me your answer?” “Would you like to use the computer to make

your journal entry? I need it completed by lunch,” that's from Jill. Okay. Esther, “Okay, no matter, you can write down how you're feeling.”

Kathleen, “Start with a picture of something you like and then add a sentence.” That's a nice one. Mary Claire, “Why don't you write about how

you're feeling right now? It might help you feel better.” “Hi class, I'm happy to see an entry in your log or paragraph typed on the PC, 15

minutes folks.”

Tom: All right. Wonderful attempts, realizing that sometimes kids refuse and sometimes they publicly refuse and the other kids witness that and we're

concerned that they'll think it's 0kay to defy what it is that we ask them to do. We might make a statement in that situation such as; everybody has

witnessed what just occurred.

I want to assure all of you that this behaviour will be dealt with later. I

thank those of you who are engaged in the task and if the kids ask, what are you going to do later you'll say, gee I have to check with the principle,

I'm not sure we can still do that after what happened to that kid last year.

Now we've got this youngster sweating. My goodness, what are they going to do to me? It also gives us a face-saving way to escape that situation

and time to think about, gee what am I going to do? But oftentimes, as time passes we are able to now talk with that youngster in a reasonable,

congenial fashion. All right. Not hearing anything?

Rob: Sorry, Tom, I've got another one I want ask actually if that's all right. Tom?

Tom: Yes, please.

Rob: Okay. Cool. It's actually a good question. This is from Angel Rat, “Wouldn't offering the computer be rewarding defiance especially if they can't all use

one?” So a few people there were suggesting that the student writes on the computer.




Tom: Oh, I see. Yes, and certainly this is a hazard. We talk about kids showing behaviours because there is a benefit to doing so. So if a kid is continually

defiant or persistently often defiant, non-cooperative, non-compliant, we

have to figure out what's the payoff. The ABC model for figuring out why kids do what they do.

We see the B, the behaviour and say what just came before that? What

was the antecedent? What came before the behaviour? That tells us what sparks it and then we look at what was the consequence for that

behaviour? Even though we might say, gee, that wouldn't be a positive consequence for me, you've got to say gee, for this youngster it is.

Sometimes these kids are engaging in defensive behaviours. You've just

asked me to read aloud and I cannot read at this level. You've asked me to give a response, but I'm really unsure of my English right now and I'm

not sure I can present my answer well and it takes me a long time to formulate it.

There are many reasons, valid reasons, for why kids are non-cooperative.

It's a defensive mechanism on their part, but certainly there is the concern

there that are we rewarding resistant behaviour by letting the youngster perhaps write about what transpired since he left school yesterday on the

computer and printing it out.

Well, we did make it clear this is a onetime only agreement and that it won't happen again tomorrow, realizing that there are other problems

inherent in offering choices. Rob?

Rob: Yes, thank you, Tom. That was great.

Tom: Well, then, shall I continue on?

Rob: Yes, please, that's wonderful, thanks.

Tom: Here are some acceptable to me choices, as I'm sure thought of some of

these too. Could we offer the youngster a difference in the writing instrument? Maybe the marker they've been using to write that graffiti on

the hallway lockers. Could they sketch out an illustration that shows what happened? Then we request, could you put a title on that? Maybe a short

paragraph describing exactly what's happened?

Then realizing too that some kids may not want to write about what's transpired since they left school yesterday. Perhaps we offer them another




topic, because what has happened, what has gone on is much too sensitive. The further I dip in here, no, no, no that would be highly

unprofessional. Here's another verbal aikido move.

We've got a few years on our kids. During our existence on this blue green

orb we've learned many things and, hopefully, how to phrase them in instructional ways and we can share the wealth, so to speak. Don't you

dare speak to me in that manner because the words you just used will have to be rephrased within 10 seconds to avoid, you fill in the blank

there.

That's sharing knowledge about how my classroom runs. Knowledge that changes as the year progresses in order to avoid kids saying something

offensive knowing that they only have to back down to stay out of trouble. At the beginning of the process though it serves as an excellent social

exercise, but as always it helps to say it softly and keep it private.

But don't throw sand becomes, think about it before I give my response. Make sure you give a reason as to why sand is left in the sandbox or sand

table. Like we said, you have knowledge, share it with the youngster.

What is it? What reason is there for keeping the sand in the sandbox or the sand table?

How about an "if --- then" comment? If sand gets in the eyes it can really

hurt. If sand gets on the floor, the tile floor, it gets really slippery. If sand gets in our hair or our shirts it's very uncomfortable. Then we remember

to follow up with what they should do. Keeping the sand in the box keeps us safe, comfortable and happy.

Yeah, that one was a slow grounder to second, or choose your

international sport and an easy play there, but now we're going to ask you to apply this information in some more difficult situations. There will be

two situations that are shown. Choose one for your response. Remember in this task you're going to share knowledge.

Give the student information, facts, wisdom related to the infraction that you observed. I'm going to make this situation a bit more difficult in our

bonus round. Here are the situations: A student is fondling the foliage of your prize plant. Follow your immediate response of, “Don't touch that,”

with a managed and well-phrased statement of information as to why hands shouldn't be touching your flora.




If you don't select that one, how about number two? A pupil takes a DVD out of the computer tray and slings across the table. It settles near the

wall, the wall heating unit. Instead of saying, “Whoa, what's wrong with

you? That DVD is going to melt.” You utter, “That DVD isn't the only thing that's going to get tossed.” No, no, no, no, think about it. Those two

situations, select one and what knowledge, information can you utter in that situation that would serve as a reminder to that youngster to engage

in the appropriate action? We're finding replacements now for a very direct command. We're trying to help these kids understand subtlety. We're

trying to get them to think about why did that teacher say that to me and what's my role in this situation?

We develop inner control so we don't have to use as much outer control.

Personally, I'm concerned with the insinuation in the second one here that something is wrong with you and that prediction of a negative future, so

what might be the alternative utterance?

With the first one, that's my poison ivy plant? Yeah. Rob, maybe some of our colleagues came up with some more spot-on responses?

Rob: Yeah, quite a few have come in actually. Mary has said, for the first one, “The liquid that comes from that plant can make you quite sick. Get a

hand towel and clean your hands quickly.” Raquel has said for the second one, “John, that DVD has your work and your colleagues work on it. Please

pick it up before it gets harmed or ruined.” Sorry, she’s adding to that. Claire says for the first one, “Would you like me to move the plant out of

your way?” Yes, that's right.

Tom: Which is using a question, so going back to another verbal aikido strategy and the first couple you've mentioned did give wisdom. They did tell the

youngster what it is that they should know, but then they immediately followed up with a direction. I would recommend save that direction and if

the child looks perplexed, doesn't seize the day, doesn't engage in the action, then we would say, I'm going to have to give a bit more

information here or a bit more guidance and then give the direction.

Rob: Sure. Sure. I'll just read another one from Angel Rat, which is the plant

one, “I just finished buffing the leaves on that plant with this spray. It will make your skin all red and itchy. Look, spots are already coming up.”

Okay. That's cool.

Tom: Got it. Now for a kid who's in the preteen years or the teen years, they know this information. We're attempting to just give a little hint, a cue, a




nudge, but there are hazards stating the obvious. The insulted child says, duh, tell me something I don't know and then he tells you something just

as obvious. Don't kiss a rattlesnake, don't spit into the wind, don't mix

plaids with polka-dots, don't cook bacon in the nude, a lesson I learned the hard way.

The biggest concern of tweens, preteens and teens involves being

rejected, shunned or pilloried, verbally stoned. It causes great psychological distress and trauma and it distorts their attempts to gain

connection with others. They also fear being invisible, an isolate, a loner, insignificant to others and they oftentimes respond outwardly to being

criticized, pointed out where one is not making the grade literally and figuratively speaking. Failing to measure up to standards. So even with

our subtle approach they can imagine that we're criticizing and we are in some manner doing so, although we intend it in a supportive way. We can

reduce the chances of our input being scuttled if we keep moving as we speak. Suppose a student is bending back a plastic ruler to snap it on the

thigh of the student next to him or her. You say rulers are for measuring and mosey along.

Yes, we might get the roll of the eyes as we have the back turned to the youngster, but we don't notice that. We don't care about it. The ruler does

not get slapped on the thigh of the other person. Pen in the ear? Well, a direction with a safety reason. Perhaps, pens are for writing safely before

we exit the area. Obtaining permission from a youngster to give our knowledge assures that we get some ear time.

It's especially effective with non-cooperative kids, although it's effective

with everyone. Imagine we've got a young child who thinks the way to make friends is to run up behind them on the playground and slap them in

the back and run away. We say to them, “People who get slugged don't want to be mates. Would you like to learn a better way to make friends?”

He says, “Yeah. Okay.”

The door has been opened. Or, “Well, I guess you found out that cursing

out the music teacher and storming out of the room can bring some pretty heavy penalties down on your shoulders. Mind if I give you a few ideas

and maybe you'll be able to make your point without all those verbal fireworks?” “Yeah, what.” The kid is really saying, “Yeah, what? That was

a bad situation that I got myself in.” We ask them if they'll open the gate to let us through that high wall that they've erected to keep out authority

figures.




Over time, having built a history of positive interactions and used our constantly improving skill and non-confrontational phrasing we're more

likely to find that gate unlatched when we approach. The problem solving

conversation is a more involved verbal aikido move. It's a step-wise procedure for students who desire to be successful in their social and

academic lives, but they don't know how to get there.

It's a structured procedure that can facilitate the sharing of knowledge and student's demonstration of cooperation. Here's how it's done. We meet

with the student privately and we enter solution-oriented and nonjudgmental in our mindset. We're "non-directive" in quotation marks

because we do engage in some voicing of reason and conscience.

It helps if we've also been using other verbal aikido strategies so that we've established rapport with the students and our reputation is a

teacher, not simply a teller. Teaching is more than telling. This step-wise process can be used for anything from adolescent tardiness to fourth

grade students who don't want to do their math sheets to non-motivated kids of any age.

So here's my preferred way to schedule a meeting. I do it via planned spontaneity. It's all been thought out beforehand and it's acted well in the

moment. I appear to remember something that needs to be done soon and I ask the pupil to assist me.

The lure is hopefully private time with me and contributing to our class

group by helping me put an interactive bulletin board, a learning centre, a science experiment, unlike the one that Rob tells about during his days

teaching science, it's a funny, funny story.

I might also sweeten the pot, so to speak< with the promise of a snack or a pizza lunch thrown in. So it goes something like this. We arrange to be

in the same area and the youngster is engaged in whatever task that he or she has been invited to work on and we sit at the desk and we slice

open an envelope.

We pull out the paper inside and say, “Oh no, no, no,” and the kid typically

says, “What, what, what's wrong,” and you say, “I've just been given this order by my supervisor and I don't want to follow it because it's the wrong

way to do things. I don't like the nasty way I was told. I'm not sure I have the skill to do it right. Man, I'm just not in the mood for this right now.”




We voice the reason that is the youngster’s modus operandi, and then we move through the steps outlined by Thomas Gordon and Julia Thompson

who had a similar version of that fine webinar you hosted a while back,

Rob. However, I found the need to add a couple of extra steps in order to increase the effectiveness.

So we have the first two steps achieved already with time together and

the opening of the envelope, excuse me, the time together with the youngster. I like to start out on a positive note. In the original steps by

Gordon it was sit with the youngster and identify the issue and I found that my kids couldn't talk about that right away, we had to share some

time together, we couldn't just engage. We needed to loosen up. We needed to talk about some interests, some recent events, some pleasant

things and then we moved to the issue.

Step three, we brainstorm solutions. We offer lots of possibilities. All ideas are valid here and then we discuss the pros and cons inherent in each

suggestion and we decide on one. Well I used to decide on one, well we used to decide on one, my students and I, but then the students wouldn't

do step seven there, place it into practice.

It was because for a lot of these kids they've never, ever shown that

behaviour ever in their lives and we needed to practice it. So yeah, I added that other step in there. Role play its use. We practice it to build

brain and muscle memory, then we place it into practice with surprise quizzes.

During our role play, as an example of a surprise quiz, working with Tony

who stresses when an authority figure comes up to him. He had problems managing his actions when he was confronted by authority. He'd view

greetings and conversational attempts as fault findings soon to be followed by punishment, so whenever an authority figure would speak to him he'd

say, “F you,” and run.

Now “F you” does not stand for fancy uniform. I'm using an abbreviation

for a phrase the young man used when he was overwhelmed with anxiety and we'd talk with this kid and say, Anthony, it's bad enough to run away,

okay? But why do you have to use this “F you” in front of it? That makes the situation even worse.

It was some sort stimulus or something going on there, though we worked

on it [inaudible 71:26] role play and using one of two responses if his mind went blank. I mean, he would answer it if he knew how to answer it




and if he was calm, but if his mind went blank he would say, “What would you like me to do, ma'am?” Get a direction from the authority figure. Or,

the other one we practiced, “Please talk to Mr. Mac about this, sir. He can

explain.”

So it was time to put it to a more realistic test. One morning I asked him to take the role, the attendance down to the office, all the students like to

do that. As he exited I got on my wall phone and I called my friend down the hallway and I said here he comes. We set it up ahead of time. My

friend walks out into the hallway and says, “Good morning Anthony, how are you?” “Good, good sir.” “May I see your pass please?” “Yes, here it is.”

“This isn't McIntyre's signature, this is forged.” “Oh, F you,” and the kid runs away, at which time my friend says, “This was a test.” They knew

that meant, come back here in our role play, let's try this again. This isn't McIntyre's signature, this is forged.

Please talk with Mr. Mac about this, sir, he can explain. So with practice

the youngster becomes more proficient at the alternative response and we meet again periodically to evaluate the outcome and we tweak the

strategy for better results, or we decide you know what, it's not working

for us. We need to come up with a new one.

Then, after this first time together, I'm talking about the meeting that I have with the youngster where I open up the envelope and say no, no, no

and the youngster helps me out. We brainstorm solutions. You can tell him to go take a flying leap. You can write a nasty note back to him. You can

refuse to do it. You can do it and just hold your feelings and we come up with all these ideas and then we discuss the pros and the cons.

We decide on one. We role played it together. I pretended I was going to

use that response and I said I'd put it into practice and now I can meet with that youngster when he or she has an issue to return the favour so to

speak and work on their problem.

Let's move to perhaps the most subtle of all of our verbal aikido moves. In

describing the problem we identify the problem in need of attention, but we don't offer any solutions. You tell kids what you notice and report on it,

but you don't tell them what to do about it. You want to develop that inner control. We want them to think about why did that teacher just talk about

that? What's it got to do with me?

Of course a positive relationship between you two and some experience of subtle interventions certainly helps here. But we simply state our




observation of something in need of attention by the student and we notice whether the pupil takes responsibility. If so, of course a thank you,

if not, some reminders, some prods, a more directive strategy, giving a

clear, concise direction if the youngster doesn't yet pick up on this.

As before, there are prerequisites that need to be met. The kid has to know what needs to be accomplished. He has to have the ability to do it

and there needs to a payoff. Hopefully that payoff is the student desiring to maintain a positive relationship with us.

Here some just quick examples of describing the problem. “How many

times do I have to tell you? Stop yelling out answers.” “I'm hearing voices, but I haven’t called on anyone.” Perhaps at this point we do some

behavioural narration and auctioneering, “I see six hands now, there's eight, can I get ten? Yes. Do I see twelve?”

“I'm hearing voices, but I didn't call on anyone.” Ralph fuzzy wuzzy is

sucking an empty bottle. Oh, I'm the pet monitor this week. Inner management of behaviour as the kid attends to the duty. There's a lot of

equipment on the lab tables and we get absolutely no response from our

young scientists, so we say the equipment will need to be in the proper place if we're going to, and then we talk about the benefit of following our

direction.

If we're going to leave on time for lunch or recess or home or in Rob's science lab situation, if you want to watch me blow up the ceiling and

singe my hair with the falling balls of fire again tomorrow. Oh, to have been a fly on that wall, a fried fly. Now it's time to put this into play. You

can select one or both of these situations, just report on what you see. Okay? We're just saying here's what I notice.

Write it in. What do you notice? What can you say to Siegfried or Keisha?

Now with Siegfried we certainly don't want to put down the home, that's where kid's loyalties lie. We've make a big blunder there. We want to team

up with the home, not engage in negative competition with it.

Now with Keisha we can get what we want. Personal responsibility in

cleaning up and an absence of defiant words, all while appearing savvy and with it to use Jacob Kounin's phrase from the 1970s and we do that

via the use of a well-constructed description of the problem. Rob, have any come in?

Rob: No. Yes, sorry there is one.




Tom: Well, be that way then.

Rob: Yes there is. Mary said, “I notice that your things are all over and I want you to be ready to get on the bus, so let's put these things away

properly.” And a couple of people have said, “Sorry, we're just enjoying listening. That's why they haven't typed in.” Nancy says, “That mess will

prevent your peers from leaving the room.” Good point, Lindsay, a bit of peer pressure in there. Connie says, “You can't imply how it is at home.

We all like to work in a clean classroom. Can you help me with this area next to your place?”

Tom: I like that. We have different variations on the theme here. I think it was

Mary originally in your first response there reporting on what she notices, but knowing that this kid is not going to pick up on it right now, moves

immediately into a direction and over time she's going to increase the pause between the report and the direction. Other people using the pure

form of it.

Rob: A nice one from Mary Claire here, “Siegfried, there's paper on the floor,

the broom is in the corner.” Julia says, “Here let's do this together, I'll help you.”

Tom: All right. Thank you so much folks. It's nice to hear those. A couple that I

had in mind there and again, we're on the same page of music, same line of music, same note of music, but it just doesn't work because this one is

highly likely to go flying over a kid's head who isn't used to hearing this roundabout, suggestive kind of lingo.

Well it doesn't work, then we're going to be more directive. We might give

that clear, concise direction and when they comply, a sincere thank you. We might engage them in problem solving like that problem solving

conference that we talked about, or if a kid doesn't have it in his or her skill repertoire then let's teach it.

We can use task analysis, break down the complex behaviour into simple steps to be followed one after the other. We could use a more generalized

shaping program where we keep setting new, more difficult goals to accomplish, or we can use role playing, all of which you'll find on my

website if you go inside the intervention strategies button.

Remember those hypersensitive tweens and teens? How can we prevent nasty retorts if they view our gentle nudge as criticism, one of those three




fuse lighters? To soften our commentary and prevent contrary pupils from retorting we preface the description with, I see you've been working

diligently on that assignment, did you notice that the materials are still

lying out?

The dictionary is open, the sweater fell on the floor. There are some scraps under your desk and so on. Essentially we compliment them before

describing the problem. We set the stagy or prime the pump for action, but despite out best attempt to lure the youngster in we get one of those

nasty retorts and me, I am not a pin cushion. If we get a snooty response we use our assertive, not aggressive, counter move.

Verbal aikido counter move. Whoa, easy there partner, that's mate for

those folks in New Zealand and our Aussie colleagues. They're just waking up over there and they might still be a little bit groggy until they have

their vegemite breakfast, so I'm helping them out here with the American lingo.

I know you're good at taking responsibility and that's why I didn't come

right out and tell you to do it, I just simply wanted to bring your attention

to the matter and I see that there's a holdover from my days in the department of redundancy department in number two there, but in

summary of this particular slide if we're verbally attacked present an assertive defence that points out the inappropriate and futile nature of

that verbal attack upon us.

We are not carpets to be walked on, Mr. Plush. Do you agree, Miss Shag? Well, this is the point where we pull it all together. When shown two

situations I'm asking you folks to select one and send in a strategy for it, any of the strategies that we've talked about. Last time, with the clear,

concise direction, the laconic language, the short statements.

Perhaps you'll write in an "I" message. Maybe you'll share what you know about this situation. Maybe you'll provide the youngster with authentic

choices, one that the youngster can buy into. Perhaps we'll ask a question

of the youngster and describe the problem.

Now we're going to do this quickly. Gee, that clock at the bottom of the slide shows, I think, the time in the Middle East right now. If anybody in

the Middle East is up, go to bed, catch us on the replay. When you write in, to prevent Rob's brain from exploding let's be sure to identify the kind

of response you're submitting.




Like here's a short statement, here's a choice, and would you also preface it with the word books or board, depending on which of the situations you

selected. Now if you're working with younger kids, here's one: Crystal

and Reuben have turned their books so that the spines are facing up and they're bending the covers up and down pretending the books are

pterodactyls, although I understand that pterodactyl is a wrong reference. Palaeontologists want us to pterosaur. My five-year-old told me that.

You're concerned that the bindings are going to break. Send in a verbal

aikido response, whichever one you think you might use in that situation, remembering to tell us what type of response it is and that it's for the

books scenario.

If you're teaching older kids, imagine that a teacher enters the room to see Mike writing highly offensive words on the board, words that would

make a Liverpool longshoreman blush and she says, “You're being inappropriate”. Mike says, “Why? What’s wrong? Did I forget one?” Then a

girl at the back table says, “Yeah you forgot snarzlefarf,” can I say that on a webinar?

Please send in your suggestions for any strategy for either of the situations identified as books or boards and give us your preferred verbal

aikido response in that situation. Hi, Rob, any coming in?

Rob: Hi, Tom, nothing as yet. Nothing as yet. We still have pretty much everyone on the call though, so they've been so responsive so far, I think

either their fingers are burning, here we go. Angel Rat says, “Boards, time to wipe the boards clean, I want to get started.”

Tom: Aha. Just ignoring this. This does not get my attention and I used to do

the same things. A kid would say, “F you, Mr. McIntyre” and I'd say, “Well, thank you” and just leave it at that and after a while they say, you know

what, this doesn't work on this fellow. This person isn't upset by this. This person doesn't get all tangled up in it. So yeah, just please have a seat

and we erase the board or we say, erase the board, I'm going to need it

for the lesson. Any others?

Rob: Don't worry, the homework's here, it's coming through thick and fast now. Sorry, they're coming through so fast I can't actually read them. Wait a

minute, I'll try and catch it. Raquel says, “Board, you're delaying the lesson, John, the whole class will leave later.”




Tom: Now, we do have a negative you message in there, so we'd ask our colleague to please get rid of that negative you. I mean, they just come

out and I realize that. When I was first learning this verbal aikido . . .

[no audio 87:15]

Rob: Okay. We've got a problem with the sound. If you can hear me? Can you

just type in the box if you can still hear me? Tom, if you can hear me.

Tom: Yes, I can.

Rob: Okay. Sorry, Tom, the sound went off at about a minute, well certainly 30 seconds to a minute ago, so we just got a lot of static through. People

couldn't hear you, so it was in response to the negative you message.

Tom: But that static was coming in really clear?

Rob: It was, it was incredibly clear. Like white noise. Beautiful.

Tom: Yes, we're all getting a little dinghy.

Rob: Okay. Shall I go onto another one?

Tom: Yes, please. Let's have a couple more and then we'll move on.

Rob: Okay. “Board, sharing knowledge. I can see that spelling has improved,

but let's clean the board,” that's from Mary Claire. Kathy says, and this is for the board, “Fred that language is unacceptable in this college, class get

your books out ready.”

Tom: All right. Studying the standard now, giving the information, giving knowledge on my classroom. This is unacceptable here. What I believe I

was talking about during the noise was that I grew up in a blue collar town in a semi-directive household and this verbal aikido stuff was very difficult

for me to wrap my brain around, and those negative you messages would

keep coming out.

It just happens as you're learning, but you stop yourself and you say, excuse me, what I meant to say was and then we offer the revision and

we find that over time this becomes our way of speaking respectfully in a respectful manner to youngsters to build inner management on their part.

I can't imagine speaking any other way now to youngsters, it is just up there and situated in.




Rob: It kind of becomes habitual doesn't it? There is actually a nice if then

message from Lindsey, “Crystal and Reuben if you continue to play with

the books that way, then they will have to go to the book hospital in our library.”

Tom: Yes, see the book medics.

Rob: Okay. Listen up. I'm going to butt in, I'm sorry Tom. We're on 25 minutes

left. The actual webinar has got a two-hour limit, so we're 25 minutes left, if that's Okay with you.

Tom: I will move forward.

Rob: Okay, mate.

Tom: In that situation could we have sent a note, delivering a graphic thought

during a potentially disruptive situation? Like for those words on the board example, could we have sent a note? We don't quite know what to do, but

we walk over to our desk and we say, Okay I'll write something. The kids

are wondering what it might be and then we present this, no, no, no we do not present that.

I'm sorry, never give a man a remote, we don't want to know what's on

TV, we want to know what else is on TV. Use me now, assign the eraser would be an example. We have different categories of notes, different

forms of notes that could be utilized. Let's look at the various types of written communication as we remove our presence and our voice.

Assignments coming in without headings? Keep the wrong behaviour from

ever happening by prompting the appropriate actions. Here's a preventive note for tardy students or those returning from special services. You know,

they can be used at home too. Here's one that I've posted on my bedroom wall. I find it very helpful. So why don't we then write in a pre-emptive

note trying to prevent the misbehaviour from ever happening.

The misbehaviour that never happens is the one we want. So Anthony,

he's one of our unrestrained, enthusiastic pupils and he's frequently yelling out the answers. What are the words that are written on the note

that you pass to him as you greet your class at the door? As he comes into your classroom you already have a note ready knowing that he oftentimes

calls out the answers.




Now, perhaps your assessment shows that he wants to please you or wants to show his knowledge or he wants to irritate others to gain

attention, figuring that negative attention is better than no attention at all

from them. Or maybe he's coming from a socially disorganized household with many siblings and he doesn't know how to bring positive attention to

himself.

What reminder are you going to give him on that note? Rob, did anybody quickly send one through to you?

Rob: Yes. I'm sorry, wait a minute. I'm just trying to find them.

Tom: Well, why don't I move on, Rob? I mean, people are sending them in and I

suspect that all revolve around, please remember to raise your hand so I can call on you.

Rob: Yeah, a nice one from Paul actually, I like the way this is phrased, “I'll be

choosing people who put up their hands to speak.” Very good.

Tom: And that's just giving knowledge. This is how things operate in my

classroom, so a nice use of another verbal aikido move in the written form. We could also use after the event notes, like the one my teacher

handed me when I was nine years old. Thanks for wiping the booger off your finger before shaking hands with our visitor, and I've got to tell you it

really sunk in. To this day I always wipe that finger.

But the two situations shown here on the slide will be your homework assignments. We won't do them right now because we're nearing our end

time, but do your homework assignment. Please send them to Rob for review during our next webinar. He'll score them and send them back to

you with extensive commentary by tomorrow. Just joking, something I rarely do. On a side note, we're presently, no let's just leave it at that.

Here's another type of note. Cute reminders that appeal to the heart. It's

human nature to respond to the call for one's help and we bring forth that

trait in a rather fanciful way. Now, given how kids anthropomorphize, trying saying that eight times fast, we could use that giving of personality

to an inanimate object or a non-human object to our advantage.

Please give me a rest, signed, your tongue. I miss you, signed, your seat. I had a former student-teacher and he found a way to help a kid who was

failing to write in her daily log for the third day in a row. There was an




emerging positive relationship developing between them, but it wasn’t yet enough when he says, “Come on. Start writing.” He used the note idea.

The next day when she refused to write in her log, he said, “Please open up your log and write what transpired since you left here yesterday.” “I

ain’t opening up this book for nobody, no way.” “Come on, for me. Just open it up.” “I’ll just open it up, but don’t expect me to do any writing.”

“All I ask is that you open it up to the next page.” And when she did so, there was a note inside there. Please stop using invisible ink. Use your

black pen, signed, your log. She smirked, looked up at him and said, “Man, you whack,” which is a street slang term. But she started writing.

Some sensitive teens might view notes as these as sarcasm, though.

Sometime that doesn’t arise if we’re developing our relationships and our reputation for helpfulness that that’s been established to some degrees.

But in another scenario, kids with Asperser’s syndrome might miss the lilt

in the tone of your voice and a voice of your written voice. So, defensive behaviours are those actions that struggling kids use to avoid having to

engage in a difficult assignment. If you don’t do it, you haven’t really

failed. You’ve also avoided the frustration and the self doubt that accompany attempting work that right now is beyond your ability.

So, we see here, “Hector, please turn to Page 14 and answer the first four

questions.” Oh, a nicely phrased direction. But it’s directing the child to do something that is undoable in his or her mind and the kid says, “I ain’t

opening up your stupid book. This stuff is baby crap.” Now the public message here is, “This stuff is far below my ability and, therefore, I ain’t

doing it.” The hidden message, though, was behind the curtain, is “This stuff is way too hard for me and it’s reminding me of my frailties and it’s

confronting me with another failure experience or mind exhausting work. It’s threatening my public and private image.”

The kid now has a choice, neither one being good. He can be bad or he

can be dumb. And bad trumps dumb every time as an imaged to possess

and project to others. So, if you detect that a youngster needs your assistance, we continue to teach while slowly moving toward the student

and as we instruct we write on a Post-It note, those sticky notes that you tear off the pad and the top of it behind has some stick-em on it. We

write, “Do you want, not need, help.” That phrasing’s important. The kid can’t admit that he or she needs help, but do you desire it.




And we keep walking, but at some point we can glance back toward the learner and we watch for a “yes” or “no” indicator. If yes, we write another

note. “From me or the other student?” If the reluctant learner nods toward

his or her partner in crime, you shake off that request and we write yet another note, “Would you like to work with Clarence, Tamiko or Marifey?”

Offering choices that give influence, but within boundaries.

Now comes the obvious question, won’t the other kids be asking, “Hey, what’s your note say?” And identify that resistant youngster as the

struggling learner. No, we make loads of notes that we stuff into our pockets and we give out freely. Most of them say nice things, “Great to

have you here. Keep up the effort. It’s going to pay off.” In this manner our offerings of help to the resistant learner go unnoticed by others. They

think it’s just another one of those well done kind of stick-em notes.

Another wonderful outcome also presents itself with my grad students who started using this. They report that the kids start pasting these notes

inside their lockers and notebook covers. They have a permanent product. Proof positive that they’ve good things. Graphic recognition that their

efforts were appreciated by their teacher. We built self-esteem and

positive connections with kids. That’s a lot of writing, but it’s a task you give your loved ones to do for you. Subtle.

And your second homework you’ll be sending Rob, think of a youngster

who shows a particular behaviour and write now or tonight after webinar, whatever time zone you happen to be in, write a note that you hand to

him or her tomorrow.

So, to make a long story short, I guess it’s too late for that, but to sum up, kid’s minds are fragile. Let’s be careful out there. And when emotions

start to flair, when kids are giving us the funhouse mirror version of appropriate behaviour and their actions are grating on our last good nerve

like number 6 sandpaper, we’re at risk of being entrapped in an escalating, unwinnable battle.

We need to remember these symbols. Chinese is a little rusty and I right now our colleagues in Chine are just waking up, so they may not be up to

translating it. You’re going to have to rely on me. This combination of Kanji I’m told, and, perhaps, errantly, but I’m going with it here is the way

in which the English word “crisis” would be written. It’s a combination of the symbols for danger, the top symbol, and opportunity the lower

configuration.




That’s my story and I’m sticking with it. But the takeaway lesson here is that in every tense situation there’s a danger for making things worse with

their actions, but there’s also the opportunity to help the youngster learn

from the experience. The seed is the latter.

So, yes, take at least one of these strategies from our time together and give it a try next time a youngster says, “No way, Jose,” or “I don’t want

to, Mss Alou,” or “Get lost, Mr. Frost,” remembering you’ll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind. Right.

Please venture beyond consideration of our sessions ideas. Now is the

time to do it. Implement these strategies in your classroom or your facility and write to me. Let me know how it’s going. I’m not sure this is an image

of Ireland. Maybe it just needs more green. But you’re up that way, Rob, what do you think as we bring this presentation to a grinding halt?

Rob: What about the camels?

Tom: They do have those up there, don’t they?

Rob: Oh, yeah. I have two in the garden.

Tom: Eating your crops.

Rob: Yeah. Tom, that was wonderful. That was tremendous. We often talk, Chris and I, when we’re working about how much we enjoyed your last

webinar and this one’s been equally enjoyable. Great fun.

Listen, the comments have been tremendous coming through. They’re starting to come through now in droves. “Great. Thanks. Tremendous.

Thank you so much.” All coming through. What I think we could do, well, literally, it will have to be about five minutes because the webinar, we

actually pre-loaded it for two hours, so it will cut off if we don’t get everything sewn up by then.

As well as all the positives that have come in, Tom, I’m going to ask if we maybe can answer a couple of question. We didn’t bring any with us did

we from the question box on the sign-up.

Tom: I did write down the three that came in.

Rob: Oh, you did?




Tom: But if you want to do this spontaneously, we can also do that.

Rob: Well, I think we’ve got quite a few people on the call, so I think we’ll give

them opportunity to ask questions. If they don’t ask a question, I got one that came in earlier. Two, actually, that came in earlier. So, if you’ve got a

question and you’d like Tom to answer it now you can put it in question box.

Tom: Or they can certainly go to, if we get shut off here and I hope that

happens if I don’t have an answer, but folks could always post their question on the behavioradvisor.com Facebook page, remembering the

Americanized, taking the U out of behaviour. We have dragged the dignified English language through the linguistic muck and mire over here.

Rob: I don’t know. It sounds cool your way, behavior.

Tom: Behave or.

Rob: Right, yeah. And do you want to give that address again, Tom? Your

Facebook page.

Tom: Yeah, you just log onto your facebook.com account and then you search

for behavioradvisor.com. That should then bring up my site and we’re always looking for people to post concerns that we can respond to.

Rob: Okay. That’s good. I’ll give you one of the questions that’s just come

through from Connie which is, “What do I do about teenagers who pull you to the limit, push you to the limit? That don’t seem to care about

consequences?”

Tom: Yes, that’s the audience that I spend most of my teaching years with. It’s part of a developmental stage. They need to show that they are no longer

in need of guidance. They’re no longer children. They are young adults and that sometimes takes a negative bent as they see just about any

direction we give and a valid direction. One that needs to be complied with

in the moment as badgering them, making them look bad in front of peer group. The peer group now having exceeded adults in prestige and value

and it’s more important to peers rather than the adults.

What we could do in that situation is certainly make our lessons interesting. I know we’ve done that and relate with the kids. Give them

the time of day. Develop those positive relationships. But you might also want to go to behavioradvisor.com, click on the intervention strategies




button and scroll down to Promoting Positive Peer Pressure. I think there’s two links of two pages there full of ideas and one specific procedure for

getting kids on your side.

How do we develop positive peer pressure so that kids are more likely to

say to a misdirected youth, “Hey, come on. Knock it off,” because there’s a benefit to saying that, to being on task. We don’t have the time now,

that’s another whole other webinar, but you can go there and look for Promoting Positive Peer Pressure and getting the kids on our side. The

group acting as a team toward the better good.

Rob: Yeah, cool. That is really, really powerful and that’s what they really respond to more than anything else is, of course, their peers. My take on

that would be, Connie, to focus on positives rather than consequences. You know we often come up with behaviour from a negative, punitive

stance and I worked with teenagers for a long time, as well. I’ve got one of my own who is 20 now, but when you push to the limit and you

constantly up against the wall with them, you’re almost bound to come at it from a negative point of view and think, right, if that consequence didn’t

work, I’m going to use a harsher one, a more punitive one. And, if that

didn’t work I’m going in again with another one and my guns are just going to get bigger and bigger.

Well, really the truth is, as you’ve probably found, is that if the

consequence doesn’t work the first time, it’s unlikely to work the second time. So, try changing tact and looking for things they’re doing right and

be quick to jump on those moments when they get things right and be quick to jump on those moments when they get things right, give them

some praise and work on your relationships with them. It’s all about relationships with the other kids. They respect if you can listen them, as

Tom just said. You’ve got to be there to listen to them.

That’s the same with parents, as well. I was the parent of quite a difficult teenager and the consequences just didn’t work. I mean I tried everything

in terms of giving very structured consequences and some not so

structured, but really kids just need to be listened to when they get to that very confused and confusing age.

I’m going move on there because I’m just seeing the time now ticking by

and I think we’ll just get one or two more in. Okay. Esther asked before, “What to do with a student who knows what to do, but doesn’t do it

because he or she can’t do it?”




Tom: Well, we all imagine different students in this situation, but I’ve had some of those, too, and oftentimes this behaviour emerged because we had a

bad moment earlier on in the day. But that’s where I would it back on the

kid and with a reach-out voice rather than a strike-out voice saying, “Louise, I know you can do this. I know you’re capable of making a good

choice and I’m going to put it back on you because I know what you can do.” It’s that I believe in you, I believe in you, I believe in you. We’re

getting come emerging research on what are presently inadequately performed research studies talking about the methods that were used, but

we aren’t getting some indications, like [inaudible Haim Ginott set back in the 70s. He said, “I believe encouragement and I believe in you

statements work much better in behaviour change than praise.”

And we’re getting a lot of research on praise, though, like 13 or 14 different types studied. Maybe two actually promote more of the behaviour

that we have just recognized. Other ones are either ineffective or counterproductive. But we’re getting some emerging research that Haim

Ginott was right. I believe in you. I know you can do it. Not holding a grudge and avoiding that getting tough with them. If the hammer doesn’t

work I’m going to get a bigger hammer like Rob was saying. It doesn’t

work. It turns the kids against us.

Rob, did you want to through in here?

Rob: Yeah, no, I just agree with you entirely on that with the praise thing. Praise is just bandied around so loosely. We’re told use praise, use praise,

use ten positive comments for every negative comment and, yet, most of the praise that people have given is pathetic. It doesn’t hit the spot

because people aren’t show effectively how to really connect with kids. Praise really can be your most powerful tool if it’s done right. If you can

get it to the point where it’s connecting with kids on an emotional level.

I mean you can change them in an instant if you get your praise right. We haven’t got time to go into that on the call. I’ve just spent an hour and a

half prior to this call doing something on praise, which was my

engagement webinar. So, I think if you want information on that, Dr. Mac has got loads and loads of information for free on his strategies page.

Once you’ve signed up there’s a lot of information on praise.

We’ve got similar on ours, as well. Some of the webinars on praise. So, there’s a lot of stuff out there, but don’t fall into this trap of just saying,

“Yeah, well done, brilliant, fantastic, great,” because it just does not work. You have to do better than that with your praise.




Tom: And you can do an Internet search for the name Carol with a C, Carol

Dweck, D-W-E-C-K. She’s leading the research on praise and you’ll read

about some of her fascinating studies and findings.

Rob: Yeah, cool. She’s in that, too. That’s great. Okay. Carol Dweck it was, Esther. She was just asking for the name to be repeated. Carol Dweck. Is

there an E on the end of Carol?

Tom: It’s C-A-R-O-L and Dweck, D-W-E-C-K.

Rob: Cheers. Dweck, Esther, D-W-E-C-K. Not tweek.

Tom: Oh, you’re on her bad list now.

Rob: Sorry. I should be saying people’s names and then pointing out mistakes I’ve made. That’s terrible of me. I’m just trying to give people a call out

because I know it’s nice to hear your name mentioned. But then for me to say something negative afterwards isn’t so good. I feel like we have time

for one more very quick one. Let’s just do one more.

Wait a moment. Okay. We’re doing that I got before from Kathleen, “What

do you do when someone is defiant to the point that you are afraid for the safety of your other students?” Just a couple of minutes on this, Tom,

because we’ll have to wrap up.

Tom: Yes, there’s some great work on aggression done by Russ, R-U-S-S, Skiba, S-K-I-B-A. You can find some of his articles and, also, Geoffry, spelled

with a G, Colvin, C-O-L-V-I-N. They do a lot on aggression. I have a four-part video podcast on behavioradvisor.com. If you click on Free Podcasts

and Videos, scroll down to aggression and it will give you an overview of it, strategies for approaching it.

When we’re concerned that this youngster is now becoming very agitated.

It’s leaving the upper brain and moving into the lower emotional one that

our verbalness is less effective, how do we protect the others? How do we bring down emotionally this youngster who is getting outraged.

Rob: Could you just mention those two names again, please? We missed them.

Tom: Geoffry, G-E-O-F-F-R-Y, Colvin, C-O-L-V-I-N. He’s at University of Oregon,

I believe and Russ, R-U-S-S, Skiba S-K-I-B-A, at the University of Indiana here in the States.




Rob: Cheers. Thanks, Tom. Listen, we’ve got about a minute and a half to wrap

up, so I think we will have to call a halt there. I actually really enjoyed

doing the Q&As with you, Tom. That’s really nice. I wish we had time to go on a little bit longer. We could have [inaudible 115:33].

Tom: Yes, yes.

Rob: And we should arrange . . .

Tom: A spontaneous one some time.

Rob: Yeah, that’s just great.

Tom: Let’s just answer the questions.

Rob: Yeah, let’s do that. Let’s just do a, what do you call it, a boot camp where

we just answer questions. We could do it like a surgery. We’ve got loads of people saying they’d like that. So, should we do that surgery?

Tom: I think so.

Rob: Okay. Let’s do that. Cool. Listen, all that’s left for me to do is thank two groups of people. One is everyone for turning up. Thank you so much for

supporting us and turning up on the live calls. I know it’s often easy to just go on the recorded webinar, but I just think its more fun on the live

calls. It’s such a nice feel on there from people. Even though we can’t see, you kind of get a vibe for it and you feel the energy. So, thank you,

everyone, for coming along.

Please remember there are more webinars at classroom-expert.com and please spread the word. We’re trying to get as many people on these

webinars as possible. The other person I’d like to thank very much is my good friend and colleague, Dr. Tom McIntyre. Tom, you are an absolute

star. Thank you so much for just being so wonderful. Your information h

has been first rate. You’re always so professional and so fantastic and good fun and great time on the call. Thank you very much, Tom.

Tom: Thanks so much.

Rob: And thank you, everyone, for all your feedback. [inaudible 116:49] has

just come up. The other end. There are lots of people saying thank you, Tom. “Wonderful as always,” says Lindsey. Esther says, “Thanks for




tonight.” Thanks heaps to Tom and Rob,” says Angel Rat. Angel Rat, can you put your proper name in there. I feel awful calling you Angel Rat.

“Thank you, Rob, and Dr. Mac for being you and sharing your inspiring

thoughts. It’s Linda. Thank you, Angel Rat, lovely. “Thank you,” [inaudible 117:15], thank you. Always inspiring.” From [inaudible 117:18], bye-bye.

Thank you, everyone.

Okay, Tom, thanks a lot, man. Should catch up tomorrow or Monday?

Tom: Sounds great. Always good to be with you, Rob.

Rob: All right. You, too, man. Take care. Have a great rest of the weekend and I’ll speak soon.

Tom: All right. Get a good night’s sleep.

Rob: Yeah, yeah. Cheers. Thanks, everyone. Good night.

END OF TAPE

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