strategic communication for results. this binder belongs to: strategic communication for results

Strategic Communication for Results

This binder belongs to:


Table of Contents

4© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights reserved.

74 Appendix

52Identity

41Handling Feelings

19Managing the “Facts”11Difficult Conversations

4 Overview

61Culture and Communication

68 Leading a Learning Conversation

33Having a Listening Conversation

Overview

5


Getting things done at WHO increasingly requires collaboration with colleagues, managers, direct reports, partners, donors, member states, civil society actors, and more. No matter what role you play at WHO, you need and rely on others to help you achieve your mandate and responsibilities. Given this interdependence, having effective interactions with others is of central importance, especially when the stakes are high. These interactions occur through conversation – and conversation requires communication. As such, it is no stretch to say that your interpersonal communication skills are a key component of your success at WHO.

Everyone has embedded patterns and assumptions about how to communicate. When there are mismatches in individual communication habits and expectations of how others should communicate, the resulting interaction can shut down information flow, hamper creativity, dampen morale and productivity, cause project delays or mistakes, and damage working relationships. Such breakdowns lead to suboptimal outcomes – results that are not as efficient, value-creative, relationship-enhancing, or sustainable as they could be.

This workshop will examine the underlying patterns common to interpersonal communication breakdowns, and offer a framework, tools, and skills for handling difficult high-stakes conversations more effectively, thereby enabling you to achieve better results. By the end of this workshop, you will:

Have increased self-awareness of your communication habits and your impact on others;

Learn a framework for diagnosing and better managing difficult conversations; Have increased awareness of cross-cultural dynamics and their impacts on

communication; Learn new methods and techniques for communicating effectively with others.Overview 6© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights

reserved.


Workshop Objectives

Increase your self-awareness of your communication habits and your impact on others;

Learn a framework for diagnosing and better managing difficult conversations;

Have increased awareness of cross-cultural dynamics and their impacts on communication;

Learn new methods and techniques for communicating effectively with others.

7Overview 7© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights reserved.

About The Bridgeway GroupThe Bridgeway Group is a non-profit consulting firm based in Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA that acts as an advisor and trainer for organizations and individuals on negotiation, conflict management, communication and the management of strategic external and internal relationships. We bring to clients pragmatic methods, tools and skill sets developed at the Harvard Negotiation Project, our sister organization CMPartners and in our twenty years of individual and collective practice. The Bridgeway Group’s activities integrate one or more of three sets of activities:

Training. Bridgeway implements single side and joint training for parties to conflict, parties in post-conflict situations, and/or for the purposes of institutional capacity building.

Consulting and advisory work. The Bridgeway Group offers real-time advice on significant issues for parties to conflict. We assist our clients in the preparation, conduct, and review of critical negotiations, and we assist our clients in improving the process by which different internal organizations or teams collaborate and manage their differences toward a common goal.

Third party convening. We facilitate the creation and management of on-the-ground partnerships, collaborations, and relationship networks.

Bridgeway consultants have extensive experience both in the health sector and in UN agencies and other international organizations. Bridgeway has worked with WHO for over 15 years to design and develop training, coaching and facilitation programs for both WHO staff and member state officials. Overview 8

About the Consensus Building Institute

Overview 9

The Consensus Building Institute (CBI) improves the way that leaders collaborate to make organizational decisions, achieve agreements, and manage multi-party conflicts and planning efforts. A nationally and internationally recognized not-for-profit organization, we work with public, private, multilateral and non-profit organizations and their stakeholders in the U.S. and around the world. CBI provides:

facilitation and mediation to resolve conflict and build consensus on public and organizational issues;

training and organizational capacity building in negotiation and collaborative leadership to the public, private, and non-profit sectors; and,

evaluative research on negotiation and consensus building practices in public and organizational settings.

Since its inception, CBI has been providing a wide range of organizational services to government agencies, private companies, and non-governmental organizations involved in issues of public interest in New England, nationally, and internationally. CBI also plays a key role in helping to build the intellectual capital in the fields of collaborative leadership, negotiation and conflict resolution. Our contributions include Built to Win: Creating a World Class Negotiating Organization (Harvard Business Press 2009), Breaking Robert’s Rules (Oxford University Press 2006), the Workable Peace Curriculum Series (PON Books, 2008), the award winning Consensus Building Handbook (Sage 1999) and Dealing with an Angry Public (Free Press 1996).

Facilitator Bio: Stephan Sonnenberg

Overview 10© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights reserved.

Consultant, Consensus Building InstituteAs a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School and a Clinical Instructor with the Harvard Negotiation and Mediation Clinical Program, Mr. Sonnenberg works with law students on applied dispute management, conflict analysis, and negotiation curriculum design projects. In the past two years, he has supervised a variety of conflict management efforts, including a project to explore the use of consensus building techniques to help resolve environmental disputes in China, a partnership with Hewlett Packard to design grievance mechanisms at two of its supplier factories in southern China, a training for village elders negotiating with representatives of major multinational oil companies in the Niger Delta, and a consultancy with a Boston area hospital to redesign its patient complaint response procedure. Stephan also co-teaches the Negotiation Workshop at Harvard Law School, among other courses.

Before accepting his current position, Mr. Sonnenberg worked primarily in the non-profit sector, focusing on human rights, international development, and conflict resolution. He has lived and worked in Northern Uganda and the Caucasus region of southern Russia, consulting for Amnesty International, the International Rescue Committee, the International Council on Human Rights Policy, the International Criminal Court in The Hague, and Physicians for Human Rights, among others. His research focuses on ways in which alternative dispute resolution procedures can be used to prevent mass atrocities.

Mr. Sonnenberg is a graduate of Harvard Law School, and the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy. He also holds a degree in European Studies from the Institut d’Études Politiques in Paris, and an undergraduate degree from Brown University.

Facilitator Bio: Jim Tull

Overview 11© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights reserved.

Senior Consultant, The Bridgeway GroupJim Tull provides training and process assistance in the areas of negotiation,

communication, consensus building, mediation and dispute resolution. In the public sector, Mr. Tull has consulted to the governments of Bolivia, Guyana, Venezuela and Colombia on their national conflicts. He has advised and trained such diverse groups as OXFAM, Indonesia's Ministry of Trade, El Salvador's Ministry of Education, and many of Canada's First Nations Communities including the Mi'Kmaq, Samson Cree and Ermineskin Cree Nations. Mr. Tull has also worked extensively with the WHO, WFP, FAO, IFAD, UNDP, OCHA and UNICEF branches of the United Nations.

In the private sector, Mr. Tull has designed and delivered training workshops throughout

the world for a wide range of companies and IFIs. Mr. Tull's teaching experience includes the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School, Harvard Medical School, Harvard School of Education as well as the Kennedy School of Government. Mr. Tull spent eight years working for Professor Roger Fisher's Conflict Management Group (CMG). Prior to joining CMG, Mr. Tull spent several years working as an International Partner for Habitat for Humanity in Central and South America. His interest in negotiation theory was made very personal in Nicaragua when he was held hostage by Recompa guerrillas and negotiated his own release, as well as that of his colleagues.

Mr. Tull received his BA with honors from Kenyon College, and his Master of Public

Administration from the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University.

Difficult Conversations

12

Difficult Conversations: Awareness 13

Challenging Conversations:Any Conversation We Find Difficult Conversations that involve risk and uncertainty regarding individuals or issues we care about – these can be external and internal to WHO.

Dealing with people who have hidden agendas Informing people that we made a mistake Informing people that they made a mistake Dealing with people who over-react to problems Managing unrealistic expectations on deliverables, timetables, services Dealing with people who abuse relationships Disagreeing with people over the best solution for their needs Telling your family you’ll be home late, again Dealing with difficult behaviors: bullying; hyper-sensitivity; negativity; passive-

aggressiveness; etc. Delivering bad news: Illness; budget cutbacks; having to let someone go Giving a performance evaluation to someone with an unrealistic sense of self Requesting performance from someone who no longer cares Managing organizational change Negotiating with your manager for a raise, holiday leave, feedback,

responsibility Coaching someone to change their management or communication style© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights

reserved.

Typical Difficult Conversationsavoided or handled badly in my organization

Difficult Conversations: Awareness 14© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights reserved.

Peers Direct Reports Managers / supervisors Donors


Difficult Conversations Make Communicating, Problem Solving, Listening and Learning Harder

I should deal with this…

I’m missing vital information!

How will you retaliate?

© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights reserved.


The Internal Voice and the G A PBetween Our Words and Our Thoughts

GREAT IDEA BOSS!

Your mind is where the real action

is

Have you lost your MIND!?

That will never work!

GAP



Project status?

Hi, how’s it going?

Fine, thanks.

I hate you!

GAPGAP

Mind the G A PIn General, Gap Size = Conversation Difficulty



The Structure of Difficult Conversations These conversations typically ask & answer 3 sets of (unhelpful) questions

1. Facts Who’s right? Who’s to blame? What’s motivating them?

2. Feelings How do I avoid or vent the strong feelings I/they are

experiencing?

3. Identity What might this conversation say about me as a

colleague, leader, team member, professional, friend?


Difficult Conversations: Awareness

My Difficult Conversation

19

What we each said…What I was thinking and feeling…


Managing the “Facts”

20

Managing the “Facts” 21

Managing the “Facts”: Three Shifts

Certainty

Blame

Their (bad) intentions

Curiosity

Joint Contribution

Shift

Speak about impact

…To:

Shift

Shift

From…



In Difficult Conversations, We Tend to Framethe Operative Question as “Who is Right?”

Difficult Conversations are not about the “Facts”…

…Difficult Conversations are about differences in how we see and manage the “Facts”

I’m right. No you’re not!



A Key Communication Tool: The Ladder of Inference

A ’s beliefsand

assumptions

A ’s conclusions,

explanations,evaluations,

etc.

How A interprets

the data

The data A selects

B ’s beliefsand assumptions

B ’s conclusions,explanations,evaluations, etc.

How Binterpretsthe data

The data B selects

The situation:The data of what

occurred


occurred

I N Q

U I R

E

A D

V 0

C A

T

E



Shift #1: Toward Curiosity About Their Story

INQUIRY

Cultivate your curiosity The less you agree the more you should understand Find respect for others even if not for their arguments Inquire into the impact of your actions on others

Practice strategic listening Focus your internal voice Listen with heart and mind Listen to learn Test for their intentions

Earn the right to inquire Express and test your understanding Build on the aspects of their view that you share Be prepared to do what you ask of them

ADVOCACY

Invite discussion Use “testable” advocacy Span your ladder: Share your data and reasoning Test their understanding as you go

Refer to impacts Share the impact of their actions on you Avoid inventing intentions Avoid declaring or acting on invented intentions

Probe complexity Use “AND”, not “but” Reframe certainty, blame, and intention invention with the three shifts

24© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights reserved.

My conclusions

How I interpretthe data

My selected data


My Difficult Conversation: Our Ladders

Their conclusions

How they interpretthe data

Their selected data



The Blame Frame

Whose Fault? Whose Fault? Who gets Punished?Who gets Punished?



Costs of the Blame Frame

The Blame Frame ignores system complexity → Actions result from a system of causes

Blame rarely addresses root causes or solves the problem → When systems are ignored, problems are misdiagnosed and “solutions”

fail

Blame blocks learning

Blame damages relationships and sets parties in opposition

→ No one wants to hold the blame

Blame triggers defensiveness



Shift #2: Toward Joint Contribution

Your Contribution Your Contribution

How can wecorrect/improve

the system?

How can wecorrect/improve

the system?

My Contribution My Contribution



Shift #2: Toward Joint Contribution

Disabling Thinking Preferred Thinking

This is their fault (or mine) We have each contributed to differing degrees (thus we can help each other)

Accepting myresponsibility lets others off the hook

Taking my appropriate responsibility enables others to do the same



My Difficult Conversation: Contributions

30

Their contributions:

Other parties’ contributions:

My contributions:



Shift #3: Speak to impact (Avoid Intention Invention)Intentions matter, but are invisible. Because others’ intentions matter to us, we often invent intentions

→ If their behavior harms us, then we assume their intentions were bad

Instead of inventing intentions: Recognize that intentions are complex→ People act with good, bad, mixed, and no intentions

Share the impact of their actions on us

→ “I don’t know if you intended this, or if you were even aware of it, but when you….”

Inquire into how our actions have impacted them→ Be Aware: Good intentions do NOT erase bad impacts



My Difficult Conversation: Intentions & Impacts

My Intentions:(why I did X or Y)

Their (possible) intentions: (what I don’t know but might inquire into)

(Possible) impact on them:(what I don’t know but might inquire into)

Impact on me:



Managing The “Facts” – Summary

Cultivate Curiosity about their view→ Treat your perspective as legitimate but limited → Inquire into their data, reasoning, and interpretations to understand→ Set your purpose as understanding why you see it differently

Acknowledge Contribution→ Inquire into what you’ve each contributed to the problem → Think about how to change your own contribution

Focus on Impact → Speak to the impact of their actions on you or the team, not to their

intentions


Having a Listening Conversation

34

Difficult Conversations: Listening 35

A Key Communication Tool: The Ladder of Inference

A ’s beliefsand

assumptions

A ’s conclusions,

explanations,evaluations,

etc.

How A interprets

the data

The data A selects

B ’s beliefsand assumptions

B ’s conclusions,explanations,evaluations, etc.

How Binterpretsthe data

The data B selects


occurred


occurred

I N Q

U I R

E

A D

V 0

C A

T

E


INQUIRY

ADVOCACY

High

Low

Low High

Imposing Mutual Learning

Withdrawal Easing In


Difficult Conversations: Listening 36

Difficult Conversations: Listening

Goals

To learn how others see things

To gain information which may be missing

To help others feel heard

Four Types of Inquiry1. Yes/No questions: "Do you think the UN has

done a good job?”2. Cross-examination: "Don't you think that...?”3. Points of clarification: "What do you mean when

you say...?" 4. Open-ended questions: "Tell me more about

your view..." "What lead you to that..."

Inquiry


37


The first two types of inquiry tend to close down communication

The second two tend to open communication

What to Do:

• Ask open-ended questions and questions for clarification

• Avoid "Don't you think...?" or "Isn't it true...?" questions

• Inquire to learn, not to persuade

Inquiry (cont.)


38


Openness

You are more likely to be OPEN if you:

• Assume there are gaps in your current understanding

Recognize your own:

– Blind spots

– Partisan Perceptions

• Are clear about ambivalence and confusion

– Avoid simplifying the situation

– Don't manufacture certainty


39


Empathy

Empathy for the views of others is essential to understanding the situation

Keys to achieving an empathetic understanding include:

• Putting yourself in their shoes

– What's their history?

– How does it affect their views?

• Imagining how alternative versions of the story

might be told:

– How might the other side see the conflict?

– How might a third party?


40

Understanding

CAUTION: Understanding Does Not Mean Agreement!

• Don't discard your current understanding -- hold it as a hypothesis

• Through conversation, begin to build a new understanding in light of what you learn.

Difficult Conversations: Listening© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights reserved.

41

Handling Feelings

42

Handling Feelings 43

Feelings are Varied and Complex

→ Let down→ Provoked→ Offended→ Indignant→ Disturbed→ Hesitant→ Happy→ Discouraged→ Indifferent

→ Troubled→ Baffled→ Annoyed→ Disgruntled→ Uneasy→ Joyful→ Anxious→ Resentful→ Excited→ Irritable→ Ashamed→ Encouraged→ Courageous

→ Inspired→ Pleased→ Confident→ Certain→ Satisfied→ Proud→ Hopeful→ Hungry→ Apathetic→ Validated



Core Emotional Interests in Working Relationships

Autonomy Affiliation

Appreciation Role

Status


When one or more of these goes unmet for an individual on a team, in a manager-direct

report relationship, or some other working relationship, expect negative emotional

reactions

- Emotional interests from Beyond Reason by Fisher and Shapiro


The Brain Science Behind Feelings


“The Thinking Brain” versus “The Feeling Brain” Systems are in competition When we are emotionally triggered, activity

increases in amygdala (“feeling brain”) and decreases in prefrontal cortex (“thinking brain”)

We all have “triggers” that stimulate brain response Triggers vary person to person When triggered, “feeling brain” releases

cortisol and adrenaline (fight, freeze, flight response)

The refractory period: “feeling brain” is in charge Watch for physical, cognitive, verbal signs A bad time to make decisions


A Common Coping Mechanism: Translations

Strong feelings often get translated into more “acceptable” language in the workplace

→ What is acceptable is not necessarily what is helpful!

Tip #1: Avoid translating your own strong feelings

Tip #2: Recognize others’ translations as markers of underlying feelings


Judgments“that was unprofessional”

Blame“how could she drop the

ball like this?”

Attributions“why does he have to

control everything?”

Profanity@#*&$!

(silence)


Managing Your Own Strong Feelings

Pause and acknowledge How am I feeling now? How is this affecting my thoughts and actions?

Consider a variety of more helpful coping mechanisms “in the moment”: Breathe deeply Take a break Avoid making decisions while in refractory period Avoid translating your emotions Share / discuss what you are feeling

When not “in the moment,” consider: Preventing the creation of a trigger (remain open and curious about

the person or situation) Dismantling existing triggers (seek disconfirming data about the

person or situation)© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights reserved.


Responding to Their Strong Feelings

First, don’t trigger them more: What NOT To Say


“On another topic…” Avoiding or ignoring

“Calm down!” Telling them how to

feel

“It’s not so bad…” Minimizing

“This is horrible!” Maximizing

“What did you expect?”Belittling

“What you need to understand is…”

Educating

“Why don’t you just…?”Problem-solving




Pause and acknowledge their presence Listen for translations; hear them as

markers for feelings Don’t let feelings “trump” decision

making – be prepared to address on their own merits

Consider: Suggesting a break Avoiding problem solving and decision-

making while they are in refractory period Listening & acknowledging (more on this…)




What else helps? EMPATHY

Empathy is a cluster of related skills: Listening Inquiring into story Inquiring into emotions Acknowledging story Acknowledging emotions

Empathizing does not mean AGREEING with them

Neurologically powerful – it jump starts activity in their prefrontal cortex

Efficient – 3-5 minutes of empathizing can get some past their refractory period


Empathy Skills


Listening: Engaged body language Tracking what they say (your

questions relate to what they have just said)

Non-verbal cues and paraphrasing to demonstrate listening

Inquiring into story “Tell me what happened.” “What has been hardest about the

situation?”

Inquiring into emotions “I imagine you’re angry / worried /

troubled ?” “If I were in your shoes, I might be

pretty upset. How are you feeling?”

Acknowledging story “It sounds like a difficult

predicament…” “It makes sense that you

wanted this to turn out differently…”

Acknowledging emotions “I can understand why you

would feel that way…”


Handling Feelings – Summary

Feelings are integral to the workplace – it is normal to experience both strong positive and strong negative feelings.

Our “feeling brain” takes over when we are emotionally triggered.

Avoid translations when you are triggered, and listen “through” their translations to their underlying feelings.

Avoid triggering your counterpart further; use empathy skills to help them through the refractory period.

Save problem solving and decision making for a time when neither party is emotionally triggered.


Identity

53

Identity 54

Our Identity Concerns

Why is this conversation so difficult for us when others seem to handle it easily?

Why do we sometimes lose balance in the middle of these conversations?

Why are we still dwelling on what happened a week/month/year/decade ago?

We all want to feel respected and appreciated

We all want to believe that we are not the kind of people who: Make stupid mistakes Need to be told about their mistakes Can be taken advantage of Take advantage of others Hurt others’ feelings Act irresponsibly or unethically Are bad spouses, partners, children…


Identity 55

“Loss of Face” – Identity Attacks Can Disable Us

Our internal voice hits FULL VOLUME

Our skills fail us Awareness shrinks Curiosity dies Inquiry stops Advocacy becomes shrill


Identity 56

Identity Threats: Common Coping Mechanism 1

We deny threatening information


Identity 57

Identify Threats: Common Coping Mechanism 2

We exaggerate threatening information

You made a mistake

.

Mistake???I’m

worthless…

Worthless!!


Identity 58

A Better Approach to Managing Identity Threats:Develop a Balanced Sense of SelfCultivate a balanced self-image Mistakes and surprises offer learning and improvement

Exaggeration

Denial

..

Balanced


Identity 59

Identity Quake Exercise

“If I know nothing else about myself, I know that I am a __________________ person.”

Honest Intelligent Responsible

Loyal Attentive to detail Friendly

Ethical Caring Responsive

Open Thorough Generous

Inclusive Expert on X Fair


Identity 60

A Balanced Identity = Stability and Effectiveness

When Losing Our Balance,we tend to be

While Keeping Our Balance, we tend to be

– Reactive + Purposeful

– Defensive + Proactive

– Overly aggressive + Assertive and open

– Overly passive + Comfortable

– Averse to learning + Adaptive and effective


Identity 61

The Bottom Line on Identity

Identity issues drive emotional reactions, which in turn twist our perceptions of the “facts”

Prepare What will or could threaten our identity?

During the conversation Keep new information about ourselves in broader perspective

Make learning our first objective We can decide whether we agree later

Make continuous improvement – not perfection – our aim


Culture and Communication

62

Culture: A Working Definition

Culture is a set of shared and enduring meanings, values, and beliefs that

characterize national, ethnic, or other groups and orient their behavior.

(Faure and Sjöstedt)

Culture and Communication 63© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights reserved.

J. Salacuse – Negotiation Journal July 1998

1. Goal Contract-----Relationship2. Attitudes Win/lose----Win/Win3. Personal Styles Informal----Formal4. Communications Direct----Indirect5. Time Sensitivity High----Low6. Emotionalism High----Low7. Agreement Form Specific----General8. Agreement Building Bottom Up----Top Down9. Team Organization One leader----

Consensus10. Risk Taking High----Low


10 Ways that Culture Affects Negotiation


“Cultural influences have set up the assumptions about the mind, the body, and the universe with which we begin; pose the

questions we ask; influence the facts we seek; determine the interpretation we give

these facts; and direct our reaction to these interpretations and conclusions.”

-Gunner Myrdal – 1944

The Impact of Culture on Communication

Culture affects how we perceive the “facts” (right/wrong, blame, and peoples’ intentions); feelings (what triggers us); and our sense of self (identity).

Are we aware of how our culture affects our strategic conversations?


Key question: what are the different cultural frames that?

Nationality Individualistic Collectivistic Time Sensitive High context Low context

In what ways does our organization affect our culture? Organizational culture Professional culture Team culture

What cross cultural communication skills do we need? Increased awareness of difference Effective active listening skills? Verbal and nonverbal communication ODIS (Observe, Describe, Interpret, Suspend)


A Framework for Managing Cultural Difference

What Should I Know About Culture?

Self and others, including orgs & sub-groups

What’s My Cultural Reflection?Self/others

Advanced Communication

SkillsO.D.I.S.

Reach Cultural Understanding

(Effective, appropriate, adaptive)

Examine your internal voice for assumptions, conclusions, judgments, values about how it “should” be

Maintain curiosity

Perceptions, not truth

Seek data, explore their assumptions & reasoning

Avoid blame

Observe; Describe; Interpret; Suspend Judgment

Cultural Understanding: The Goal

Cultural understanding is the ability to recognize a pattern of learned, group-related perceptions – including both

verbal and nonverbal language, attitudes, values, beliefs and behaviors – that are accepted and expected by a

cultural identity group – leading toward communication outcomes that are appropriate and effective in a cross-

cultural interaction


Leading a Learning Conversation

69

Leading a Learning Conversation 70

READY: Prepare using NEW Questions

Facts Curiosity: What’s my story? Theirs? My ladder? Theirs? What are each party’s contributions? What are the intentions? Impacts?

Feelings What feelings are involved for each of us? How are feelings translated and tangled with the “facts”? Should we discuss our feelings?

Identity What does this story say about my identity and who I want to be? How might others feel the story portrays them?



READY: Know Your Purpose

??Establish a forward-looking purpose “In order to…” not “because you

…”

Dangerous purposes include Changing the other person Controlling them or their reaction

Do NOT engage a difficult conversation until: You know your purpose, and You are prepared to lead a conversation that can accomplish your purpose

Useful purposes include Learning their view Expressing your view clearly and

effectively Problem solving together



AIM: Build the “Third Story”

Every Difficult Conversation has three stories1. My Story – how I see things2. Your Story – how you see things3. The “Third Story” – how an impartial observer or mediator might see

things

Build a “Third Story” that describes the similarities and differences between our individual stories Neutrally, as a mediator might So each party can agree on a shared problem description Give them an attractive role in the story, if you can Invite agreement, don’t impose it Set an agenda – jointly



ACTION: Possible Openings for Difficult Conversations

Describe the differences in your stories “I like thinking out loud. You like reasoned statements that are fully

considered. How might we handle this difference?”

Invite them to join you in problem solving “I wonder if we can figure out a schedule that works for both of us.”

Offer them an attractive role “Can you help me understand…?” “I need your advice. What’s the best way to…?”

Describe the importance of the problem to you “It’s important to me to talk about what happened yesterday. I’d like to

find time to discuss it.”



ACTION: On-line Skills in Difficult ConversationsRe-Frame your Thinking and Your Words: From truth to perception

from “I’m right!” to “Here’s how I see it… and you?”

From blame to contributionfrom “It’s your fault!” to “How have we each contributed? How can we change going forward?”

From intent to impactfrom “You tried to hurt me!” to “Your action created a problem.”

From accusations or judgments to feelingsfrom “You are inconsiderate.” to “I felt let down.”

And, Re-Frame Their Statements:Truth PerceptionsBlame ContributionIntent ImpactAttacks Feelings

Balance Advocacy and Inquiry: Use The Ladder and be persistent!


Appendix

75

Suggested Reading

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (1999)

Negotiating Globally by Jeanne M. Brett (2007)

Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro (2005)

Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead With Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee (2002)

3D Negotiation: Powerful Tools to Change the Game in Your Most Important Deals by David Lax and James Sebenius (2006)

Negotiation Genius by Deepak Malhortra and Max Bazerman (2007)

Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School by John Medina (2008)

Global Negotiation: The New Rules by William Requejo and John Graham (2008)

The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal Save the Relationship - And Still Say No by William Ury (2007)

Appendix 76© 2010 CBI and Bridgeway. All rights reserved.

Conversation Journal

Conversation / role play: Date:Your Role:Issues:

What did the other person do well, and that perhaps helped you both do well?Be specific and concrete - identify their actions and words

What 2 or 3 things would you do differently next time – If you had to conduct the conversation over again?

Other significant learning points:


Going Forward…

As you look through the binder and your notes we encourage you to identify one specific thing you might “do differently”

For example: Use inquiry to walk down someone’s “ladder of inference” to their data Share the impact someone has had on me, and ask (rather than

assume) what their intentions were Empathize with someone who is emotionally triggered Ground my identity before my next difficult conversation Use a Strategic Communication preparation sheet Role play with a colleague before a high stakes conversation Maintain curiosity when I face a cultural misunderstanding Use the Journal to reflect on my next difficult conversation Prepare how to open the conversation using the “third story” Other?


Notes


strategic communication for results. this binder belongs to: strategic communication for results

Documents

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