StickersThe original publication was written to help parents communicate with children. The following selection is a group of stories that would have special application to teachers. The theme of the book said that readers had to make and attach a sticker with the title in a meaningful place and apply the idea on a consistent basis.

Stickers111. No Condescending Allowed“The image of your past was more of a wish for your teen than a real memory.”Parenting Teens with Love and LogicOne of the top turnoffs for teens is a person with a condescending attitude.Nomatter what the teen may have done,he or she cannot stand to be faced with being lookeddown upon by a person he or she knows is not perfect.(If you are perfect,throw thisbook away right now and pay somebody else to raise your teenager.)The best way to avoid this attitude is to look at your own childhood and realize that cer-tain events are going to occur in your child ’s life just as they happened in yours.That is,unless you were raised by nuns in a convent.Let ’s take theft as an example.Many parents stole something as a teenager.Myexperience with theft is still a vivid memory.When I was twelve,my buddies got intostealing.They raided milk trucks and sucked soda pop from the old horizontal pop ma-chines.One of my more daring friends even stole a beer from his grandmother ’s garageand shared it with all seven of us.One day at lunch,it was my turn to produce somethievery,or I was to start finding a new group of friends who wore skirts.We journeyedto the old Twenty-third Street market,and,as my friends occupied the eighty-year-oldowner,I went to the back of the store to make my move.In a panic,I grabbed the firstavailable item and headed in a blind run for Reservoir Hill.My friends ’ anticipation of a

treat of chips,cookies,or pop was soon replaced by laughter as I produced a jar of EasyOff oven cleaner with brush I was admitted to the group,but,even today,I am teased.The good news is these events are predictable.They have been a rite of passagesince time began.Although parents must take firm,consistent action,they shouldn ’t talkdown to their kids.12How to avoid condescension1.Complete the “No Condescending Worksheet ” for a review of your teen years..Whenthese “situations ” occur with your teen,,let the worksheet temper your actions by re-membering what you were like.2.If you have a free evening,rent the movie,Sandlot In addition to an enjoyableevening,the “tobacco on the tilt-a-whirl scene ” will remind you of some of the “situa-tions ” in your youth..Though some of the characters ’ problems are very serious,theirreactions reflect those of typical teens.3.Borrow a great idea from C.Knight Aldrich ’s book Bringing The Best Out of PeopleIf your child steals,don ’t call him a thief.React in a manner that says,“You are betterthan this.You are a good child and you know that this is wrong and it won ’t happenagain.”4.Make sure discipline is private whenever possible.I have never seen a “public disci-pline ” that improved a situation..The resulting embarrassment leads to “face saving ”behaviors.5.Always explain why you feel the action was wrong.Try to use examples from yourteen ’s world since what can seem obvious indiscretion to an adult may seem accept-able to a teen.6.Show your teen in some form that your love is unconditional.You expect better,butyou love them no matter what they have done.Separate the action from the person.7.No matter how many times you discipline a child,always avoid humiliating them.

8.If it would help the situation,it never hurts to make connections by sharing the factthat you had many of the same problems.

13“NO CONDESCENSION” WORKSHEET“When you point a finger, three come back.”INSTRUCTIONS: Give yourself one point for EVERY time you were involved inany of the following during ages 13 -19.Rebellious BehaviorTheftCheatingSkipping School“Legal ” Drugs ((wine,beer,booze)Illegal Drugs (i.e.,pot)Illegal Hard Drugs (LSD,Cocaine)Premarital SexFightingLeaving House At Without PermissionTOTAL __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Number of Times(Ages 13-19)14While you are back in your own teen years,reflect on some other questions provided byTom Mchon in Teen Tips.Apply questions to your teen years,ages 13-19.1.What was a typical day?2.Who were your best friends?3.How did you feel about your parents?4.Puberty?5.Recall some memories about learning to drive,drivers test,and other driving experiences.6.Visualize your school,classrooms,cafeteria.3815. ReflectionUse these quotes as springboards for thought to conclude this chapter.From Shelter of Each Other:Rebuilding Our Families by Mary Pipher:

Good parents used to instill the values of the broader culture; now, they try to teach theirchildren values different from the ones the world teaches.Many people are more worried about their children’s feelings than their behavior. Theywant their children to be happy more than they want them to be good.Collective action is not all taking Prozac at the same time.The values that most children grow up with are junk values.....the important things - com-passion,self-sacrifice, humor, tolerance, and resiliency are not being taught.From A Tribe Apart by Patricia Hersch:Somehow people keep expecting kids to have a certain belief system or a commitment tocertain kinds of values that are not evidenced with any regularity in their environment.From Saving Childhood by Michael and Diane Medved:Television is the enemy of every youngster’s childhood.Now, both adults and children tend to love our crowded agendas in isolation from eachother, so no one needs anyone else.These parents crown their kids rulers and take the role of soldiers defending their invio-lateking or queen. They define their success as parents by the amount of time their kidsare pleased. And they define failure by the count of moments their children whimper orfrown.Blaming of kids is about covering up what adults are doing.From What Kids Wish Parents Knew About Parenting by Joe White:Who are the important people in your life? If it is family, are you showing it? If not,what are you going to do about it?As parents, our light may be small compared to the media, but if we keep it close to ourchildren, they will always be able to see it. 39It’s not how many fish you caught with your son, it’s how much you laughed when the tentstarted leaking.If your kids aren’t acting like the maturing, lovable creatures they were meant to be, tryclosing the zoo. Take them away from the constant hustle and bustle of life.How many dying people say I spent too much time with my family?At about age thirteen, parents move out of their fan club and give up on the all American

dreams. Yet the kids still need the praise and attention more than ever.The only thing my kids have in common is their last name.Teens are experts on parent weakness and will use it to their benefit.From Parenting Teens With Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Faye:The biggest problem is parents used to tell children what to do; instead, children are tell-ingtheir parents what to do and they are doing it.The most that adults can do is see that teens have good choices to make and real opportu-nitiesto gain experience, a generational obligation that we have yet to take seriously.4216. I Listened“Adults were paying attention to teenagers because there were so many of them, notbecause they had anything important to say.” TeensA phrase so easy to say yet so difficult to do.As parents we generally approachconversations with the attitude that we have the answers and our teens are seeking thesesolutions.In fact,the reverse is most often the answer.They just want us to listen.Theywant to talk.They realize that sometimes there isn ’t an answer but talking with someonewho listens without too much advice and judgement may help the situation.Yet few teenscan remember the last time they had a good talk in which their parents just listened.Usethe following tips to help you listen.As they speak,are you listening or preparing a response?Six out of ten kids say when they talk about a serious problem with an adult,it helps.Ask questions that make them think and talk more.• What do you think now??• Were you surprised??• What is your plan??• What will you do now??• Would you like some help??Your first try won ’t make you a perfect listener anymore than it will make themtalkers.You can ’t do two things at once.Are you giving the conversation your full

attention?Reflect on their conversations.What were they really saying?What subtle meaningwas behind the words?Create time to think about what your teen is saying.For ex-ample,the next time you are in the car alone,turn off the radio and think about whatyour teen has been saying.43Be curious about what is going on,but don ’t try to control.It ’s OK to admit that you don ’t have all the answers -who does?Your teen may not be seeking a solution but only want to share a problem.4719. Hoops“Parents are so hurt because they lookand don’t see a reflection of themselvesin their teens.”(Families On The Faultline)As a kid,my sport was basketball,and the neighborhood ’s best court was myfamily ’s own backyard.The pole andbackboard were made of two-by-fours andplywood “borrowed ” from a local con--struction site.The court ’s dimensions were not perfect or even close.On a windless day,the backboard never moved more than eight inches with each shot,and our bad shotsalways landed in the strawberry patch (in early June this meant plenty of reddish stainscovered the ball).After a heavy rain,I could unleash my unstoppable “mud move ” and score withease.High school basketball,however,is played on a hard surface,and my only signifi-cant game was played on the day the gym ’s roof leaked,and my best move became mytrek from the end of the bench to the locker room at halftime for a free drink provided bythe ladies auxiliary.In 1980,when we built our new home,I knew that the double concrete drivewaywould be the perfect place for the new “Hattman Super Basketball Court.” Even before

the first house payment was made,a solid metal pole and fiberglass board with a rim andnylon net was set in place.My son and daughter (who were four and two at the time,respectively)would use the court daily,and our house would be the basketball camp forall of Packard Street.I assumed that my children would love the sport and really appreci-ate having the court in the driveway.It only seemed “natural ” that giving them what I 48wanted as a teen would be appreciated even more by my kids because of the improve-mentsover the old mud court of Stella Street.Today,if you were to add all the time the court was used by my kids together,youwould be hard pressed to reach a grand total of fifty hours.Every year I stubbornlyremove and replace the weather-beaten net and think of this great opportunity my kids aremissing.Instead of shooting hoops,I ’m fishing with Mike and playing softball withKelly and Angela.It took a long while for me to realize that I needed to go with theirdreams and interests rather than mine.As parents,we could drastically improve ourrelationship with our teens if we helped build their dreams rather than imposing ourhopes.As stated in Teen Tips,“Realize that your child is not an extension of yourself likean arm or leg;your child is a separate person complete with his/her own talents,passionsand dreams.”When you discover your children ’s dreams,consider the following thoughts.Why do we spend so much time and money worshiping entertainers,actors andathletes?Is it because they seem to be living out their dreams and we never had achance,or worse yet,have we even discovered our dreams?Raising a teen isn ’t about having everything under control to create a clone of our-selves.We should control only enough to allow them to become quality adults oftheir own design.Teens will change dreams as often as clothing.Relax and help them test each path.

If they are going anywhere remotely safe,jump in and be part of their dream.Anyone can kill a dream.It takes a special person to nurture and promote one thatcomes from a child.Why do people like Albert Schweitzer and so many others abruptly change careers?Could it be because they found themselves living out someone else ’s dream and 49finally started living theirs?As Zig Ziglar was quoted in the book Bring Out The Best in People,“You can geteverything in life you want if you just help enough people get what they want,but it isa fatal error to assume that other people have needs identical to yours.”What about living out a few of your dreams?52They Are Only Kids (Part II)“Jon Benet Ramsey’s demise may never be known, but regardlessof who murdered the girl, there is little doubt about who murdered her innocence.”Saving ChildhoodA few years ago,our Knights of Columbus sent Paul,our financial secretary,onhis ultimate dream trip.He was shipped to Notre Dame University in South Bend,Indi-ana where he met with head football coach Lou Holtz,attended a football practice,dinedat the alumni banquet,and viewed a football game from one of Coach Lou ’s specialseats.For a man who bleeds green on Saturday afternoons in the fall,life couldn ’t getany better.Upon his return,everyone in the club heard Paul ’s one or two hour renditionof the trek to South Bend.I had met with Paul that week,but wishing to avoid the long version,like thecolor of the carpet in Lou ’s office or the menu at the alumni dinner,I asked to “keep itshort.” I had one question that I chose to ask..The question was “What one item most im-pressed you on your trip?” Paul answered,,“Bob,those players are only kids.” His reply

sparked an hour-long discussion on his observation.Despite all the national fame thisteam had garnered,it was essentially composed of a bunch of kids.Without the uni-forms,you would see a group of sons who belonged to parents,rather than a group ofmen who belonged to a university.Observe your own family.How many “uniforms ” do you put on your childrenthat cause them to be perceived as miniature adults?Limousines for ninth grade proms?Competition in a year-round sport that ends with a national championship?Whatever our method,we tend to lose sight of the fact that they are in many waysstill kids.Place those younger day pictures on the refrigerator.Work with the “adult,”and always remember to nurture the “child ” who still lives inside..5623. Tour Ticket“Parents and teachers maintained that they could predict a teen’s futurebased on their own experiences.”TeensAs a high school principal,I am privileged to experience meeting,talking with,and joining in the educational experiences of foreign exchange students.One fact thatcontinues to echo year after year is that quality communication is difficult betweenpeople of different cultures.Many factors contribute to this,but language and ways ofthinking are the most prominent.The same is true in the relationship between teenagers and parents,as our “cul-ture ” is different that our child ’s “culture.” As adults,,we often fail to make a serious at-tempt to understand the world that teenagers are growing up in,and we spend our timetrying to make the child fit into our mold of what he or she should be,based on our ownculture,or we complain about the world they occupy.Perceptions of teens based on ac-tions at home,impressions gathered from a Friday night outing to the mall,or opinions of

other adults are insufficient.To truly understand them,take some time and live in theworld of the modern teenagers — study their culture..If you take this expedition,youwill end up proud,disgusted,worried,thrilled,bored,concerned,and confused — inshort,a teenager.You will have a better understanding of the words found in the bookUncommon Sense that are a part of normal teen life (friends,sexual relations,alcohol,drugs,school,grades,class,issues,economics,worries,racism,spiritual identity,rela-tionships,college,career,AIDS,violence,and the environment).Immersing yourself in the life of a teenager is actually very simple.Attend sev-eral popular teen movies.Work a volunteer activity with or for the youth.Watch and lis-ten to popular songs and artists.Spend a day in a secondary school as a student.Attenda youth night at your church or YMCA.The possibilities are endless!57Completing this challenge with an open mind will increase your ability to com-municate with teens and understand their actions.What you see will be different,but un-derstanding will go a long way in improving the teen/parent relationship.Remember understanding is different from agreement.Your value system mayhave some elements that your teen has yet to develop.If you need a clear example of why you should use your “tour ticket,” it happenedSeptember 20,1995,at 7:30 a.m.at Parkersburg Catholic High School.We were readyfor a great event (see following explanation),a prayer service in front of the school topublicly show our support for the program and enhance the religious mission of theschool.The rain held off,we had twenty students,four teachers,eight parents,a uni-formed city police officer,and the county sheriff gather at our flag pole on the front cam-pus.A quality prayer service was completed,and we returned to the building with a feel-ing of accomplishment.Little did we imagine what people driving by our school thought

of two uniformed law officers with a group of teens.The phone started ringing and therumors were rampant.From a drug bust to a gang fight,there couldn ’t be any other rea-son for the law and a group of teens to be together!Our meaningful prayer service withteens at their best was perceived as another example of teens at their worst.Maybe if youspend time using your “tour ticket,” you will be able to see the best instead of the worstin the teens ’ world..On an individual basis with your own teen,try a few of the following:Listen rather than talk — ask questions about their world without judging their re--sponses.Participate in any activity that they will share with you.From school fundraisers to learning how to drive,take any offer.Let friends spend the night.Observe and listen when they come out of their room. 58Thomas Aquinas,who knew a great deal about education and motivation,oncesaid that when you want to convert a man to your view,you go over to where he isstanding,take him by the hand and guide him.That ’s different from standing across theroom and shouting at him;you don ’t call him a dummy;you don ’t order him to comeover to where you are.You start where he is,and work from that position.That ’s theonly way to get him to budge.Make sure the teen in your life is not a stranger.Crossthe street and understand his/her world.Bring these worlds closer together.Reflect onCovey ’s thoughts in the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families:“And until we gain the ca-pacity to step out of our own autobiography,to set aside our own glasses and really seethe world through the eyes of others,we will never be able to build deep,authentic rela-tionships and have the capacity to influence in a positive way.”6928. Tweens“Nature launches its creatures at its own pace and it is only human wish for

immediate gratification that would interfere.”Teenage GirlsSometime during the twentieth century,we created a beautiful place for most ofour offspring called childhood (ages 0 -12).Freed from child labor,offered universaleducation and surrounded by loving adults,children learned to laugh,play,and enjoy life.The traits learned in these years would establish basics that would help guide youththrough the tumultuous teenage years toward a productive adult life.The problem now is that when we financially have the greatest opportunity toexpand and enrich this special period with more play,laughter and enjoyment,we aredestroying critical segments,if not the entire period.During the 1960 -70 ’s,companies realized the importance of the Teen market anddevised market programs to profit from the age thirteen to twenty group.(Look at theresults.)Once this market became saturated,they turned their attention to a new group ofchildren and created the Tweens (ages eight through twelve).Since there were alreadymarket players in this arena best represented by toy manufacturers,the new forces choseto make their fortunes by eliminating the “toy ” ((play,fish,enjoy)people and expandingthe teen market to the Tweens.The results have been greatly diminished toy sales andeight year olds who look,act and dress like sixteen year olds.Children ’s clothing be-came a downsized version of teens.Proms with chauffeurs are held in grade schools andjunior highs.Television and movies portray children who can take care of themselves orare able to assume adult roles without conflict.Even toys must be educational.The endresult is we put kids out of sequence.When children should be learning to play,they arerushed into adult roles.As parents,we need to stand against these pressures and protect all of childhood, 70especially those under this new attack,the Tweens.We must communicate to our chil-

dren and all those in their lives that this is a special protected period,and we are going tofight to maintain real childhood.Also,stop and think.Why would anyone rush to create more years of teen life?As they exist now,they are difficult enough.Who needs four more of them?Children Are From Heaven -Quotes to ponder.1.Many parents push their children to grow up too soon because they want theirchildren to be happy.They don ’t realize this is a skill learned through play during agesseven through fourteen.2.Dating at ten is developmentally inappropriate because it encourages them toskip the all important chumship stage in which young people learn social skills with peersof the same sex that can extend to peers of the opposite sex.183. Follow the GoldenRule“The law of 26 says every action we take orfail to take has 26 repercussions”(The Shelter Of Each Other)Our youngest daughter plays in one ofthe best recreational softball programs in myknown world.In the league,the coaches neveryell at the kids,everyone gets a chance to bat,basic fundamentals are taught,and both teams goto Spencer Park for “slurpies ” after every game..The kids play on the swings and the parentssocialize.With few exceptions,everyone in-volved enjoys operating in this low-key mode.One of the few exceptions involves a friendwhose daughter is about the size of our team ’s smallest bat.Whenever his daughter ap-proaches the plate to bat,he starts shouting this advice.“Stand closer to the plate,” he yells..“Keep your elbow up.” “Watch the ball in the pitcher ’s hand.” As you might guess,,the girlstands there watching and listening intently to the father and forgets to swing at the ball.Several weeks into the season,I was standing on the porch of the local golf course

clubhouse,while the “advising ” father was on the number one tee playing a league match..As heprepared to strike the ball,I began to yell.“Keep your eye on the ball.” “Don ’t swing too hard.”“Keep your elbow close to your body.” His face immediately began to glow with a red hue,which indicated to me that he got the message and didn ’t care much for it.His drive dribbledabout fifty yards off the tee,and he turned and waved part of his hand in my direction.Think about your most recent interactions with your teen.Listen to yourself.Doyou operate and abide by the Golden Rule?Think about how you treat your teen.Would youlike to be treated in this manner?Over the next few weeks,try to identify situations in whichyou treat your teen in a manner that you would not appreciate.Work to eliminate these poorinteraction methods and improve your communications and don ’t be afraid to admit that youhave made a mistake by violating the Golden Rule.183. Follow the GoldenRule“The law of 26 says every action we take orfail to take has 26 repercussions”(The Shelter Of Each Other)Our youngest daughter plays in one ofthe best recreational softball programs in myknown world.In the league,the coaches neveryell at the kids,everyone gets a chance to bat,basic fundamentals are taught,and both teams goto Spencer Park for “slurpies ” after every game..The kids play on the swings and the parentssocialize.With few exceptions,everyone in-volved enjoys operating in this low-key mode.One of the few exceptions involves a friendwhose daughter is about the size of our team ’s smallest bat.Whenever his daughter ap-proaches the plate to bat,he starts shouting this advice.“Stand closer to the plate,” he yells..“Keep your elbow up.” “Watch the ball in the pitcher ’s hand.” As you might guess,,the girl

stands there watching and listening intently to the father and forgets to swing at the ball.Several weeks into the season,I was standing on the porch of the local golf courseclubhouse,while the “advising ” father was on the number one tee playing a league match..As heprepared to strike the ball,I began to yell.“Keep your eye on the ball.” “Don ’t swing too hard.”“Keep your elbow close to your body.” His face immediately began to glow with a red hue,which indicated to me that he got the message and didn ’t care much for it.His drive dribbledabout fifty yards off the tee,and he turned and waved part of his hand in my direction.Think about your most recent interactions with your teen.Listen to yourself.Doyou operate and abide by the Golden Rule?Think about how you treat your teen.Would youlike to be treated in this manner?Over the next few weeks,try to identify situations in whichyou treat your teen in a manner that you would not appreciate.Work to eliminate these poorinteraction methods and improve your communications and don ’t be afraid to admit that youhave made a mistake by violating the Golden Rule.7932. Keeping the Past—Present“An idea that a generation of teens had no ties to the past andno hope in the future was frightening.”TeensWe all have what is called the “affiliate motive.” We want to belongto a tightly knit group of people — people who accept and are committed to us — a placewhere we can feel comfortable and know that those around us will be loyal in any cir-cumstance.From the first tribes to modern churches to fraternal clubs or cultural groups,this desire is demonstrated in everyday life.For teens,the family represents the most important satisfaction and greatest frus-tration for this need.They desperately want the safety and support of a quality family,yet constantly seem to reject those same family members as they strive to gain and main-tain control of their own world.

The following story and suggestions are ideas of how you might help create be-longing even through the periods of rejection without establishing more rules that in timeproduce additional rejection.Despite many moans and groans,they have helped my fam-ily stay together for three generations.My family was having one of “those ” weeks at home..Bullets were flying,mas-sive retaliation (stickers)were at every turn,and an encouraging word was never heard.One day,as my wife left for work,she grabbed our favorite pre-teen picture of the kids todisplay on her desk.That night,I asked why she took the picture to work with her.Heranswer was simple “I wanted to remember the time when we still liked each other.”That weekend,we set out to improve the living atmosphere in “The HappyBrown House ” ((a name selected by the kids during the “good ol ’ days ”).We rolled out 80the best ammunition — pictures,,family Christmas tapes,diaries,etc.and attacked withfull force.Before anyone was allowed out of the house,we were going to remember thepast.Despite their protests that “this is stupid,” we soon began to laugh..As a family,thishelped us get things back on track.It also reminded us that we shouldn ’t wait for a crisisto remember the times before the teenage years struck!Used on a regular basis,the pastcan be an effective tool in improving relations in the present and increasing your immu-noglobulin A.*Start today and find opportunities to show your entire family how loveflowed freely between parent and child before the teenage years.Here are my top fivetips.1.Pictures, pictures, pictures — On the walls,,in your wallet,on the desks,in the car,by your bed,in the rooms (especially a collage of each child from birth to teen).These are daily reminders of belonging.2.Create Traditions — Sunday breakfast after church,,Labor Day bike rides,dinner

out on birthdays,ice cream shop on report card day,special vacation places,boardgames.Traditions will often overcome the teen ’s fear of being seen with the family.As Sparkie discovered in A Christmas Vacation things won ’t always be perfect buteventually the idea will get across.3.French Toast -See the following “French Toast.” It is a really meaningless story thatsomehow became a tradition for my father to tell at all family events.4.Turn off the TV and talk about the past -If there is a memorabilia shortage,usethe worksheet questions on page 62 from Unlocking the Secrets of your ChildhoodMemories.Our best times occur when we gather the family and put $30 on the table. 81Each child and adult receives $2 for a story related to one of these questions on theworksheet.5.Create one-on-one time -During these special times you can remind your teen of themany times in your life he/she has made you laugh,feel proud and thank God that Hesent them into your life.6.Protect your family rituals as if they were gold -Fine Young Man.7.Clan Time is more than just Thanksgiving and Christmas -Fine Young Man.*Research by Dr.Carter-Liggett suggests that telling stories bathes the brain in immunoglobulin A and assists in creating biochemical keys that increasememories of these special times.82French Toast“Take back the job of storytelling. Give our kids lots of your own stories and lots oftime with Uncle Pete and Aunt Alice and Grandma & Grandpa and others who willtell the kids stories that took place at home and far away—the stories of life itself.”Fine Young Man4:30 a.m.A cold wet wind was blowing down out of Oklahoma across SheppardField,Texas.All was quiet except for a lone helicopter returning from night training.The silence for Pvt.J.L.Hattman #35599764,who was dreaming of home and family,

was rudely broken by the standard Air Force greeting,“Off your dead ___,on to yourdying feet.” With this happy greeting,,“G.I.” ((Gout Issue)Hattman quickly washed,dressed,and headed for Mess Hall #2 for his first ever day on K.P.(Kitchen Police.)Re-porting to 1st Sgt.Bilko,he was politely assigned to “French Toast.” This was fine asmany times he had prepared French Toast for the family at home with no problems.Thesight of twenty five-gallon cans of batter and 400 loaves of bread did cause a little appre-hension5:30 a.m.The first sleepy G.I.came into the mess hall and came down the cafete-ria line to the French Toast section.Upon taking the order for two slices,Pvt.Hattmanpicked up the bread with the proper tongs and dipped same into the batter,making sureof 100%cover age.Each piece was then placed on the grille -2 ¢ª minutes on first side,,then turned with spatula for 2 ¢ª minutes on reverse side ((as per manual).The goldenbrown toast was a thing of beauty.The toast was then placed on Pvt.Callahan ’s glisten-ing tray (a fine polite young chap).After proper thanks and your welcome,our beamingcook was surprised to see 12 G.I.’s from Squadron H waiting for toast.10 were properlyserved.2 of the 12 seemed in a hurry and skipped french toast.They were possibly anx-ious to attend Chapel Service before A.M.Drill.The line was now longer.Kicking it into high gear,the operation was repeated, 83occasionally losing a piece of toast on the floor.Catching his breath,Pvt.Hattmanlooked up to see Squadron “L ” ((120 men)enter Mess Hall #2.Doubt entered our boy ’smind as to handling this group,so Pvt.Hattman asked Sgt.Bilko for a hand.(He got afinger instead and was reminded G.I.’s in Anzio would like to have his assignment.)Bed-lam now broke loose.G.I.’s were screaming “French Toast.” At this time tongs weretossed aside.Bread as placed between fingers of each hand ,slipped into the batter,and

then dealt onto the grille at a speed that would have put a Vegas dealer to shame.Amidmany charges of unlikely ancestry and ethnic background,this continued until Sgt.Bilkoslammed closed the doors of Mess Hall #2.Waving our hero to pots and pan clean-up,this after serving-line duty was a picnic.Oh yes,Pvt.Callahan next day at drill said itwas the best French toast since leaving home. 84WorksheetClose with activity from Unlocking the Secrets of Your Childhood Memories.Even if you haven ’t saved things,the memories are there if you bring them out.My first childhood memoryThe first birthday I rememberThe best vacation I rememberThe funniest thing I ever saw an adult doA time I was really scaredOops I ’m in troubleMy most embarrassing moment as a teen.8533. Something Good Will Happen Today“Strong families find something to appreciate every day and teach their members towrest beauty from harsh reality.”The Shelter of Each OtherThe book Summer of ‘49 attributes part of Ted Williams ’ success to his positiveattitude.Every day he arrived at the ballpark expecting good things to happen.Howmuch would our relationships with our teens improve if we started every morning expect-ing something good to happen in the course of the day in our relations with our teen?Re-member to be realistic.Ted was one of the best,but his lifetime average was only aboutone in three;yet he maintained a positive attitude.List items you appreciate about your teen(s):87

35. Dead Bird“We should let youth work it out. Most things he can work out if we get out of theway and let him. Always show we care.”Fine Young ManOne Monday morning,I was presenting the school ’s academic quiz team withfree lunch awards for winning a local tournament.Suddenly,a nearly hysterical teacherburst into the office demanding immediate attention and action,screaming “There is adead bird in my room!” I directed her to return to her room,,replying that I would bethere when possible.Not believing this to be a real 911 emergency,I arrived at her roomto find that the situation had been handled by several students.They solved the problemwithout my help.This story has several points that could be applied to relating to teens.1.The teacher,by leaving them unsupervised,created a greater danger than any bird liv-ing or dead could have presented.In reacting to “teen emergencies ” are you creating amore dangerous situation?As a parent you must always be sure an emergency reallyexists,and that your reaction does not bring about a deeper problem.Don’t create acatastrophe! What would happen if you don ’t act?Give the situation the appropri-atelevel of energy. Sometimes the effective solution is to leave the situation alone.2. The teacher failed to realize that the teens could have solved the problem themselves.Four of her students were dissecting cats;three had gutted squirrel and deer last hunt-ing season,and the remaining eight would have moved road kill if it allowed them tobe excused from class.As a parent you need to understand that young people oftenhave the ability to solve their own emergencies,real or imagined.Parents only com-plicate the situation by becoming an active part of the picture.Never solve a prob-lemfor teens that they could solve themselves.88

These are examples of problems teens can solve:1.You find your child ’s lunch on the table after he/she has left for school.2.Coach is not giving your child enough playing time.3.Your child didn ’t deserve the detention.4.You run a red light taking your son to the emergency room for a deep cut.Points to Ponder:•As Robert Coles ’ ((author of The Moral Intelligence of Children son said to him,re-ferring to his driving as they went to the hospital emergency room:“Dad if you ’re notcareful,we ’ll make more trouble on our way to getting out of trouble.”•Life already moves too fast for quality relations even when life is normal.Whattypes of damage can we do to relationships when we constantly operate at the in-creased speed caused by “emergencies.”•Remember that true crises are turning points.The Chinese meaning of the word “cri-sis ” combines two meanings — danger and opportunity..Recognize the danger butseize the opportunity and make something good come from the situation.Always as-sess this “crisis rule ” when a dead bird “drops ” into your life..•As a matter of faith remember that we often find a true relationship with God in diffi-cult times.How will our young ever find him if they never experience any difficul-ties?Let them use prayer and faith as a solution rather than using Mom and Dad.•If we try to keep them from suffering the pain of adolescence,we put them at the riskof living confused adult lives.Our job is not to save the boy from pain,but rather toguide him through the suffering (Fine Young Man)

8936. Kind Words (Part I)“We spend time telling kids they are special, but when they reach adolescence,we treat them like undifferentiated mutant blobs.”A Tribe ApartAs a teen,my athletic abilities created little notice other than encouraging words

from my parents.I had fun in my involvement with sports,but the bench was not reallywhere I wanted to be.Rebounding,scoring,and being featured in the paper was a dreamof mine,but not one that became a reality.Fortunately for me,there was a sports reporter in Parkersburg named JimSnyder — the last of a dying breed..He reported sports in an enjoyable,enthusiastic andinteresting manner,rather than trying to create controversy or finding the flaw in everysports hero.One of Jim ’s greatest attributes was the ability to include an unlimited num-ber of young athletes ’ names in his column..Jim ’s writing and my athletic abilities com-bined for one of the greatest days of my life.Late in the season,we were playing away at Ripley High School.I had just re-turned to the team after a short suspension for decking our point guard (another story).By the end of the fourth quarter,we were down by the usual twenty plus.Coach,forsome reason,decided to put me in the game before the usual last fifteen seconds.Withmy best friend feeding me the ball,I scored six points with two minutes.Coach put meback on the bench.He was not going to have to explain why he kept old “Mud Move ”Hattman,the scoring machine,on the bench when the team record was 7-13 (or was I outof breath?).The next morning on the sports page,it was there.The bold print read “RipleyRockets Over PC.” At the end of the write--up was the sentence,“McPhail and BobHattman traded six-point splurges.” A less-than-average player ended the day with anall-time high.I had made the sports page!I walked tall! 90As a teacher,principal and parent,Jim ’s trait has been a tremendous help in myrelating with teens.I always try to find a way of putting them “in the headlines.” As aparent,remember that through kind,encouraging words and praise,you can put the teensaround you on a natural high and improve communications.Never miss an opportunity

to say a kind word to or about a teen. 91Kind Words (Part II)“There is so little time for adults to know and embrace the younger generation, toguide them with understanding and share moments of their lives.”A Tribe ApartOur younger daughter plays in a Saturday YMCA basketball league.One morn-ing she had a great day and scored twelve points.Later in the day we crossed the riverfrom West Virginia into Ohio to have lunch and buy a gift certificate.On the way out ofthe restaurant,a then unknown man asked my daughter if she played in the “Y League.”She answered “yes,” and he replied how great a game she had played that day..In theparking lot Angela said,“Wow,I ’m now famous in two states!” Again,,a kind word wasspoken,and a young person felt good about herself.As I discovered later,“he ” was the opposing coach and chairperson of a commit--tee to build a local multi-million dollar stadium.His life contained a lot of hard workinghours of providing opportunities for youth to feel good about themselves.8936. Kind Words (Part I)“We spend time telling kids they are special, but when they reach adolescence,we treat them like undifferentiated mutant blobs.”A Tribe ApartAs a teen,my athletic abilities created little notice other than encouraging wordsfrom my parents.I had fun in my involvement with sports,but the bench was not reallywhere I wanted to be.Rebounding,scoring,and being featured in the paper was a dreamof mine,but not one that became a reality.Fortunately for me,there was a sports reporter in Parkersburg named JimSnyder — the last of a dying breed..He reported sports in an enjoyable,enthusiastic and

interesting manner,rather than trying to create controversy or finding the flaw in everysports hero.One of Jim ’s greatest attributes was the ability to include an unlimited num-ber of young athletes ’ names in his column..Jim ’s writing and my athletic abilities com-bined for one of the greatest days of my life.Late in the season,we were playing away at Ripley High School.I had just re-turned to the team after a short suspension for decking our point guard (another story).By the end of the fourth quarter,we were down by the usual twenty plus.Coach,forsome reason,decided to put me in the game before the usual last fifteen seconds.Withmy best friend feeding me the ball,I scored six points with two minutes.Coach put meback on the bench.He was not going to have to explain why he kept old “Mud Move ”Hattman,the scoring machine,on the bench when the team record was 7-13 (or was I outof breath?).The next morning on the sports page,it was there.The bold print read “RipleyRockets Over PC.” At the end of the write--up was the sentence,“McPhail and BobHattman traded six-point splurges.” A less-than-average player ended the day with anall-time high.I had made the sports page!I walked tall! 90As a teacher,principal and parent,Jim ’s trait has been a tremendous help in myrelating with teens.I always try to find a way of putting them “in the headlines.” As aparent,remember that through kind,encouraging words and praise,you can put the teensaround you on a natural high and improve communications.Never miss an opportunityto say a kind word to or about a teen. 91Kind Words (Part II)“There is so little time for adults to know and embrace the younger generation, toguide them with understanding and share moments of their lives.”A Tribe Apart

Our younger daughter plays in a Saturday YMCA basketball league.One morn-ing she had a great day and scored twelve points.Later in the day we crossed the riverfrom West Virginia into Ohio to have lunch and buy a gift certificate.On the way out ofthe restaurant,a then unknown man asked my daughter if she played in the “Y League.”She answered “yes,” and he replied how great a game she had played that day..In theparking lot Angela said,“Wow,I ’m now famous in two states!” Again,,a kind word wasspoken,and a young person felt good about herself.As I discovered later,“he ” was the opposing coach and chairperson of a commit--tee to build a local multi-million dollar stadium.His life contained a lot of hard workinghours of providing opportunities for youth to feel good about themselves.9941. Look For The Moment“The trick is to make these moments happen and to noticethese moments when they happen serendipitously.”The Shelter of Each OtherIn order to allow yourself numerous opportunities to have some “beautiful ” mo--ments with your teen,you,the parent,must be willing to learn how to “look for the mo-ment.” There do exist some special times in the average teen ’s day-to-day life when he orshe really does wish to talk and share his or her feelings with adults,including parents.As principal,lunch patrol is an automatic duty.Rather than limit this time tobreaking up fights,tracing down flying french fries,and locating the school lovers,I amalways looking for the student who is ready to share the moment.To the untrained eye,they may be difficult to spot,but after some practice,noticing them is simple.Many out-ward signs of this exist:excited conversation,new or special clothing,visible injury,tears,anger,lost pup look,or one of the thousands of others that indicate as break in the

student ’s normal pattern.Noticing a tie has brought conversation about funerals anddeath.Comments on a new jersey brought a recollection of a student ’s day with a sepa-rated father.Inquiring about a religious medal brought talk of a student ’s pride in signinga chastity contract.These opportunities are not limited to school.The opportunities areout there,if you ’d only search them out.(Searching takes time.)Observe your teen,andfind the moment to take a peek into his world when he or she is willing to share it withyou.One-on-one is a good way for “finding the moment.” It is much easier forboth the child and the parent to share when others are not around to distract from the con-versation.Initiate the conversation,but let the teen lead it.After all,you don ’t want himto think you have concocted some devilish ploy to get him to express a feeling.Just try tobe there and listen.100A beautiful book A Little Child Shall Lead Them calls these moments “windowsof opportunity ” that will never be opened as widely again..Make sure you are looking forthese special times and use them to build a stronger relationship with your teen.Myla &Kabat Zinn capture this same thought in their book Everyday Blessings.“For our love for our children is expressed and experienced in the quality of themoment-to-moment relationships we have with them.It deepens in everyday mo-ments when we hold these moments in awareness and dwells within them.Love isexpressed in how we pass the bread,or how we say good morning and not just thebus trip to Disney World.”10142. ___________ Hours“Postponing action for reflection not to avoid it.”Critical Incidents In Teaching

One of the finest principals I worked for was a gentleman by the name of RonKincaid.He taught me that you only deal with true emergencies (see Dead Bird) on thespot and allow time to lapse (his usual was three days)between your reactions to otherevents.As parents we could apply Ron ’s teaching to dealing with non-emergency teenproblems.Allow time to let emotions calm and to gather information.*Allow rationalconsistent thought to control the process.Reflect on a series of incidents,not one action.Look at the wider context.Instead of confronting your teen on an immediate basis,estab-lish what you think is an adequate waiting period before you act.It will help you controlthe situation.Choose the time and location and make the teen wonder what will happen.At school,alumni tell me the two day wait to find out what is going to happen to you fora rule infraction was usually worse than the punishment itself.Covey ’s thoughts in 7 Habits of Effective Families provide support for this sticker.“Obviously family life would be a whole lot better if people acted based on their deepestvalues instead of reacting to the emotion or circumstance of the moment.What we need isa pause button that enables us to stop between what happens to us and response to it andchoose our own response.” In response to this advice,,two Pause Button stickers can befound in the sticker section.*How many times do we find out later that there was more to the story.You can alwayssay what you want once the picture is clear,but you can never take back words that werespoken in haste.

17955. Another Chance“In one long term study of such children, two factors stood out in life histories. Onewas the presence of even one caring adult, often a mentor or surrogate parent from

outside the family. The other was access to a second chance...an opportunity...thatallowed individuals to achieve gains they had been unable to make intheir early years.”The Way We Never WereClaude Brown in his book Manchild In The Promised Land provides a thought forparents as they deal with serious teen problems.He tells of a childhood incident in whicha judge told him that he was going to give him another chance.Brown ’s response was,“No,you ’re not.You ’re going to give me the same chance I had before.”Often as parents and teachers we fall into the same trap.We have a problem witha teen and try to solve it by putting them right back into the same situations.If you reallywant to provide another chance,what has to change?Sit down and work through somechanges on the part of all parties,not just those of the teen.Another chance might work;the same chance will probably produce the same results.If you always do what you havealways done,then you will always get what you always got.180Another Chance WorksheetSituation__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Describe the same and another chance as they apply to this situation.Teen Same _____________________________________________________Another _____________________________________________________Parent Same _____________________________________________________Another _____________________________________________________Family Same _____________________________________________________Another ___________________________________________________Peers Same ____________________________________________________Another ____________________________________________________School Same ____________________________________________________Another ____________________________________________________Church Same ___________________________________________________Another ___________________________________________________

How have you created a new opportunity?18151. Never Give Up“No one is as sick as their case history or diagnosis.”The Shelter of Each OtherI remember a senior in one of my classes several years ago.She hardly ever stud-ied.She tried to sleep every single day.She smoked in the rest room and skipped school.She didn ’t get along well with the other students,didn ’t seem interested in the religiousvalues of the school,and she had a generally bad attitude.Though few if any of her in-fractions were of a crisis nature,it was this constant grind that wore everyone down.Ev-ery encounter was a conflict.Even when we tried to find a positive,she would make surewe couldn ’t.In the view of most of the faculty,the probability of her being a solid citizenwho made a significant contribution to society was very low.As teachers we wanted tohelp her,but she shut us out.Everything we stood for as a school and as human beingswas the opposite of what she thought life should be.Recently,at an annual Board of Directors dinner,I met this individual again.She had just been named employee of the year.The basis for her selection was herleadership on the job,her volunteering of her time without pay at work and in the com-munity,her friendliness to all group members,and her exercising Christian values withher own family.In short,this woman became a success in life where it counts.During her teenageyears,she had worked so hard to hide the fantastic person inside,but because thosepeople important to her stayed with her along the way,that fantastic person was not al-lowed to die.Regardless of their behavior,all children are good people.They need all theadults in their lives to stay with them and nurture the positives so the good in them will

have time to develop.Make sure that every day of their life has the four “A ’s ” set by 182parenting author Elaine M.Gibson —Attention, Acceptance, Approval, and Affection.The following boy ’s letter is an example of success for teachers and parents.He neverbrought about a crisis,but he gave the camels in his life more straw than a normal backcould hold.Mr. Hattman,I would like to apologize for not behaving and not trying hard enough. But, I seem tobe running out of time. Because of what you have done for me, it is about time to givesomething back. I have and will continue to do well in my classes this nine weeks andthe rest of my days here at PCH, (which will be the rest of this year and all of nextyear). I’m not sure where I would be without you. I don’t know how to thank you.But I will give you my best at everything I do until I leave here. I can thank you forbelieving in me, and my mother for leading me in this direction. I haven’t met anyoneelse in the world who believes in me enough to give me more than one chance. Thankyou for everything!Sincerely,“No matter how far away your son or daughter may seem to be, hang in there.Your children are bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh, by birth or emotional bonding.Eventually the prodigal son will return. You will reclaim them.” Covey,,7 Habits of Effective Families.18357. Help Me Say No“Here’s a secret about teenagers. They want rules. It’s a well kept secret, somethingteens will never directly tell you and one that they will deny…but it’s true.”Teen TipsIn the early 70's,I learned a valuable lesson from a great young girl,TJ.She hada lot of problems but you knew that somehow she would make it to adulthood.We had

our bad days,but most of the time she was great to have in class.During a discussion insocial studies,several students were complaining about the rules and regulations imposedby their parents,especially curfew.TJ,usually a quiet kid in this type situation,jumpedup and said “ at least your parents care enough to tell you when to be home ” and ran outof the room crying.Later that day as we talked,she expressed how hard it was to say “Ihave to go home ” when nobody cared when she came home..She knew that she wasweak and needed the help but it wasn ’t there.Peer pressure was usually the answer,andthat was when the trouble started.As parents we communicate with teens by setting rules and consistently followingup on them.Also,when these rules limit the number of opportunities for negative situa-tions,we are helping our teen have a reason to say no.As a college student in the mid60's,I am sure that the young men of my class sought the favors of young ladies as muchas any generation.I am equally sure that the moral values taught by our parents andchurch helped keep us under control to some extent,but there were also rules that limitedour “opportunities.”Girls had to sign back in the college dorms by 12:00.Nobody in his/her wildest dreams thought of coed dorms.Our apartment had “no women ” rules..The sexual revolution and all its implications had not hit West Virginia. 184The system wasn ’t perfect,and neither were we,but the combination of valuesand limited opportunity went a long way in helping us teens and could do the same foryoung people today.Are your teens in difficult situations because you have not limitedtheir “opportunities?”As your kid goes out the door,think about TJ.Set the rules andlimit the opportunities.