Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service

The Purpose of this Lesson:•Explorethedifferingcharacteristicsofbiological

familiesandstepfamilies.•Recognizethetransitionsandadjustmentswhich

stepfamiliesusuallyexperience.•Initiatediscussiononhowextendedfamilyandthe

communitycansupportstepfamilies.

Preparing for the Lesson•Readthroughtheentireteachingguidebeforeyou

presentthelesson.•Prepareyourselfforeachactivitybyimagining

people’sreactionsandyourresponses.•Haveapaperplateandpencilforeachparticipant.•Haveaflipchartorwritingboardavailablefor

recordinggroupresponses.•Haveanevaluationformforeachparticipantto

completeattheendofthelesson.•To group leader: Pleasesendcompletedevaluation

formstoCharlotteShoupOlsen,KSUSchoolofFamilyStudiesandHumanServices,343JustinHall,Manhattan,KS66506.Thankyou.

The LessonDidyouknowthatstepfamiliesarebecomingmorecommon?Stepfamilieshaveexistedformanygenerations.Inthepast,theywereusuallyformedfollowingthedeathofapartner;now,moststepfamiliesarecreatedafteradivorceorseparation.

LEADER’S GUIDE

Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies

Charlotte Shoup Olsen, Ph.D., CFLE, Professor and Family Studies Specialist

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What is a Stepfamily?Astepfamilyisafamilyinwhichatleastoneadulthasachildorchildrenfromapreviousrelationship.“Blended”and“remarried”areothernamesappliedtostepfamilies.Insomehomes,theadultcouplemaynotbemarried,butthefamilyislivinglikeastepfamily.Stepfamiliesdealwithcommonfamilymattersandspecialconcernsaswell.Stepparentshaveaready-madefamilyfromthebeginning.Thenewfamilymustlearntolivetogetherandgetalong.Inadditiontothestepfamily,thereareformerspousesorpartners,grandparents,grandchildren,friends,andperhapsteachers,clergy,andothersinthecommunitywhohavetoadjusttothenewstepfamily.Becomingasuccessfulstepfamilycantaketime.

Activity 1Giveeachpersonapaperplateandapencil.Asktheparticipantstoteartheirplateintotwosectionsinanywaydesired(zig-zag,straight,curved,etc.)aslongasitresultsintwopieces,notthreeorfour.Nowthatyouhavetwopieces,passonepiecetothepersononyourleft.Putthetwohalvestogetherandexaminethefit.

•Dotheyfitexactly?•Isitasmoothfit?

Itisnormalthatthetwohalvesdonotfitbecausetheycomefromdifferentplates.Fittinganewstepfamilytogetherisjustaschallenging.

•Bothadultsandtheirchildrenhaveaprevioushistorywithdifferenttraditionsandwaysofdoingthings.

•Eachfamilymemberhashisorherownhabits,attitudes,values,andpreferences.

•Evenifonepartnerhasnochildren,thisindividualalsohascertainexpectationsforroutinedailylivingthatmaybedifferentfromthenewpartner.

Thinkaboutthedifferencesbetweenfamiliesinwhichthecoupleismarriedforthefirsttimeascomparedtofamilieswhereoneorbothadultshavechildrenfrompreviousrelationships.Often,astepfamilyassumestheyshouldactandfeellikeafirst-timemarriedfamily;inreality,thatisimpossible.Asktheparticipantstoeitherwriteonthepaperplatepiecesorthinkaboutsomedifferencesbetween

1)biologicalfamilieswithoutstepfamilymembersand2)stepfamilies.Encouragethemtothinkaboutthedifferencesbetweenbiologicalfamiliesandstepfamilies—eachhavingyoungchildren,teenagers,adultchildren,oradultchildrenwiththeirownfamilies.Suggestthattheyvisitwithsomeonesittingnexttothemaboutthesedifferences.Afterafewminutes,askthegrouptosharetheirideas.Listtheseresponsesonaflipchartorwritingboard.Stepfamiliesmusttakemanydifferencesintoconsiderationastheygoabouttheirdailylives.Hereisasummaryofthedifferencesthatyoumayormaynothavethoughtabout:A stepfamily is born of loss.Adivorce,death,orseparationcomesbeforethestepfamily.Thefeelingsthatcomewiththatlossmustbetakenintoconsideration.Adivorceorseparationrepresentsalossofdreamsfortheadultsinvolved,regardlessofthecircumstances.Aparentwhohasdiedmaybeelevatedtosainthoodandthepartnerwantsanexactreplacement.Or,anadultmaybelookingfortheexactoppositeofaformerpartner.Childrengrievethelossoftheirfirstfamily,nomatterhowimperfectitmayhavebeen.Itisnotunusualforstepfamiliestodiscoverthatthesefeelingscreatetensionifnooneiswillingtorecognizeandtalkaboutthem.Itcanhelpifthestepparentsacceptthistensionanditsoriginsandunderstandthattimeandpatiencewillberequiredtoovercomethischallenge.Individuals in stepfamilies have different personal histories. Amanandhischildrenmayformafamilywithawomanwithoutchildren.Thefatherandhischildrenwillhavememories,traditions,andsometimesprivatejokesthatdonotincludethenewstepmother.Ifbothpartnersbringchildrentothefamily,thereareseveralsetsofhistoriesandrelationshipsthatcannotbeignored.Someonemayfeellikeanoutsiderattimes,sootherfamilymembersmayneedtotryadifferentapproachtohelpeveryonefeelincluded.There can be differences in family traditions and values.Meals,homework,discipline,familyrules,holidaycelebrations,andinheritanceexpectationsarejustafewoftheissueslikelytobequestionedinstepfamilies.Differencesintraditionsandvaluesarenotrightorwrong,justdifferent.Theoldertheparentsandchildren,thelongerthehistoryand

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3. It is not unusual for a stepfamily to take at least four years or more to feel like a solid family.Theansweristrue.Therearesomanytasksforthenewstepfamilythatitmayseemoverwhelming.Initially,theadultsmaybeecstaticovertheirnewpartnerrelationship.Theirchildrenmaythinkotherwise.Asrealitysettlesin,itmayseemchaotic.Theparentmightfeelatugbetweenthechildandthenewpartner.Theremaybegrievingoverthelossofthefirstfamily,butnoonerealizesit.Evenadeceasedparentmaytakeonlarger-than-lifestatusandchildrenclingtotheideathatlifewouldbebetteriftheyhadtheir“real”parent.Everydaylivingisastruggle.Disciplineandmoneycanbebigissues.Gettingalongwiththeex-spouseandinlawsmaybeoverwhelming.Adultstepchildrenmaybeconcernedabouttheirinheritance.Tensionfillstheair.Togetpastthisstage,thecouplemustdevelopawarenessofthemanydynamicsthatareoccurringandunderstandthatthefeelingsofloss,disloyalty,andrejectionarenormal.Stepsthatmayhelpare:

•Thestepparentspendingtimewitheachstepchildindividually,suchasassistingwithaschoolproject,playinggames,cooking,ordoingotheractivities.

•Thestepparentsupportingthebiologicalparentratherthandirectlydiscipliningthestepchild(ren).

•Creatingnewfamilytraditionsthathelpallfamilymembersfeelliketheybelong,suchasafamilymovieorgamenight.

4. A strong couple relationship is an important part to forming a strong stepfamily.Theansweristrue.Couplesneedtofocusonbuildingandmaintainingastrong,caringrelationship.Parentsmayfeelguiltyaboutgivingattentiontothenewpartnerratherthanthechildren,butastrongcouplewhoworksasateamhaslessriskofdissolvingtheirrelationshipthancoupleswhoarepulledintopowerstrugglesoverdiscipliningchildren,moneyissues,ex-spouseandextendedfamily,andotherstepfamilychallenges.Ahappyandsuccessfulcouplerelationshipstartswithadeepfriendship.Eachpartnerneedstoknowwhentheotherfeelslikeanoutsiderandworktodecreasethatfeeling.Theyconstantlyworktolearnmoreabouteachother,catchuponadailybasis,knowthepartner’slikesanddislikes,andknowtheirdeepestdreams,beliefs,andfears.Theyplanfuntimestogether,too.Coupleswhohaveadeepfriendshiparemorelikelytoalwaysberespectfultowardseach

themoredifferencespossible.Stepfamilieswithstepgrandchildrenaddanotherlayerofcomplexity.Instantloveisoftenunrealisticallyexpectedbetweenstepfamilymembers.Abiologicalfamily’srelationshipwitheachchildbeginsatbirth.Inastepfamily,thenewstepparentbecomesaninstantparent,andmaybegrandparent,topersonsthatmayseemlikestrangers.Individualswithinstepfamiliesmaynotnecessarilyevenlikeeachother.Relationshipbuildingrequirescommitment,time,andpatience.

Activity 2Asyouthinkaboutthestrengthsandchallengesofstepfamilies,takeaquizbasedoninformationfromstepfamilyresearch.Raiseyourhandwhenyouthinkthestatementistrueorfalse.1. The stories and myths about wicked stepmothers such as Cinderella and Snow White do not affect today’s stepfamilies.Theanswerisfalse.Manybest-lovedfairytaleshaveintroducedandreinforcedtheimageofthecruel,uncaringstepmotherandthemistreated,unwantedstepchildforgenerations.Thislegacycanbeamajorhurdlewhenbuildingpositiverelationshipsbetweenchildrenandthestepparents.Sometimesthestepparent—especiallythestepmother—maybesointentonovercomingthisstereotypethatshetriestobe“supermom.”Thisroleisusuallyoverwhelmingforthefamilyanddiscouragingforthe“superparent.”2. Children ages 9 through 15 usually have the most difficult time adjusting to a new stepfamily situation.Theansweristrue.Childreninthisagegroupgenerallyhavestrongloyaltyissueswhenanewstepparententersthefamilybecause:

•havingthebiologicalparentsreunitemaystillbetheirfantasy;

•acceptingthenewstepparentmaymakethechildfeeldisloyaltotheabsentbiologicalparent,evenifthatparentisdeceased;and

•havingthenewstepparentmaymakethechildfeeldisplacedandangered.

Youngerchildrenhavehadlesstimetoestablishstrongloyaltytiesandaremoreadaptabletochange.Olderadolescentsmaybemoreconcernedabout“breakingawayfromthenest”andmayevenwelcomelessattentionastheirbiologicalparentconcentratesonanewpartner.

other,evenwhentheydisagree.Theycanweathermaritalstormsmucheasierthanacouplethathasnotdevelopedmutualadmiration.Thecouplemayneedprofessionaladviceiftheyarenolongerintuneandexperienceseriousrelationshipproblems.5. A stepparent living with a stepchild has the same legal rights as the biological parent.Theanswerisfalse.Stepparentsareoftensurprisedthattheydonotautomaticallyhavepermissiontosignparentalconsentformsforschoolandmedicalpurposes.Thechild’sparentmaywanttoprovidethestepparentwithalimitedpowerofattorneytohelpprotecteveryone,especiallyintheeventthatanemergencyoccurswhenthebiologicalparentisnotavailable.Furthermore,thestepparenthasnolegaltiestoastepchildifthebiologicalparentdiesorthecoupledivorces.Estateplanningandwillwritingarealsodelicatemattersforstepfamilies.Anexperiencedattorneyshouldbeconsultedtodiscusssuchissues.

Activity 3Therearemanypeopleoutsidetheimmediatefamilythatprovidesupport,comfort,andjoyforthestepfamily.Grandparents,aunts,uncles,friends,currentandformerin-laws,formerspouses,andperhapsteachers,clergy,andleadersofchildren’sactivitiesareallpartofstepfamilylife,butmayalsobesourcesoftensionandstress.Thinkaboutwaysthatpersonsoutsidethestepfamilycanbesupportive.Talkaboutgrandparents,livingabsentparent(s),schoolpersonnel,andcommunityleaders(i.e.youthgroup,religiousgroup,civicclub).Therearemanysourcesofsupportforstepfamilies.Sometimespersonsoutsidethestepfamilydonotrealizewhatmightbehelpfulordetrimental.Grandparents and Absent ParentsParentsoftheabsentparentandtheabsentparentthemselvesmayhavetodealwithstrongfeelingsofangerandgrieftowardmembersofthenewstepfamily.Remainingneutralandflexiblemaybehugetasksbutwillservethebestinterestsofthechild.Likewise,theadultswithinthestepfamilycanaidinsolidstepfamilygrowthiftheyarenotopenlyhostile

andnegativeaboutabsentparentsandrelatedfriendsandrelatives.Maintainingabusinessapproach,ratherthanshowingstrongemotions,canbehelpfulwhenrelationsarestrained.Grandparentsmayfindthatspendingtimewiththeirgrandchildrencanbeaninvaluablesourceofsupporttothechildrenbuthavetorealizethatfaultfindingoffamilymemberswillnothelpthechildorstepfamilyadjust.Ifagrandparenthasaspecificproblemthatneedsaddressed,itcanbediscussedprivatelywiththeparent,respectingstepfamilyboundaries.Schools and Community GroupsSchoolsandcommunitygroupsneedtobesensitivetothesituationsofstepfamilymembers.Itishelpfulwhenschoolsorcommunitygroupsrecognizethatachildmayhavetwohouseholds.Parent-teacherconferences,parentalformsforbothparents,andcommunityorganizationsthatrecognizevariousfamilytypescanhelpeasesomestepfamilystresses.

SummaryPartnersformingstepfamiliesexpectjoy,peace,andhappinessthatmayhavebeenlostinearlierrelationships.Thatisusuallynotthecasewithnewstepfamilies.Therearemanydifferences,personalities,anddifficultsituations.Thisisnormal.Learningtopostivelyhandleconflictenablesthestepfamilytomovetowardthehappinessthepartnersareseeking.Stepfamiliesmustworkatbeingbothunderstandingandflexible,developingastyleoftheirown.Atthesametime,supportfromotherscanhelpbuildlifelongbridgestostepfamilystabilityandcommitment.

ReviewersThankstoDanielBotz,J.D.,forhisreviewregardingstepfamilylegalissues.ThankstoAnnaMaeBrown,M.S.,andCharlesA.Smith,Ph.D.,forreviewingthelessonmaterials.

AuthorPreparedbyCharlotteShoupOlsen,Ph.D.,CFLE,ExtensionSpecialist,K-StateResearchandExtensionandKansasStateUniversitySchoolofFamilyStudiesandHumanServices.

PublicationsfromKansasStateUniversityareavailableat:www.ksre.ksu.edu

Publicationsarereviewedorrevisedannuallybyappropriatefacultytoreflectcurrentresearchandpractice.Dateshownisthatofpublicationorlastrevision.Contentsofthispublicationmaybefreelyreproducedforeducationalpurposes.Allotherrightsreserved.Ineachcase,creditCharlotteShoupOlsen,Ph.D.,CFLE,ExtensionSpecialist,Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies, Leader’s Guide, KansasStateUniversity,August2013.

Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service

K-StateResearchandExtensionisanequalopportunityproviderandemployer.IssuedinfurtheranceofCooperativeExtensionWork,ActsofMay8andJune30,1914,asamended.KansasStateUniversity,CountyExtensionCouncils,ExtensionDistricts,andUnitedStatesDepartmentofAgricultureCooperating,JohnD.Floros,Director.MF3098 August 2013