step 9-making-a-positive-amend-exercise
TRANSCRIPT
True or False – Loneliness is Toxic to your Happiness? Your
Sobriety?
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Finding: Happiest People Study
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Finding: Harvard Longitudinal
Study75 yr studyLongest everRelationship with Mother predicts success?
“Warmth of Relationships predicts Happiness. Full stop”
True or False – Loneliness is Toxic to your Happiness? Your
Sobriety? “Social” species are
biologically dominant Ants, Bees, zebras,
wolves, humans, etc.
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True or False – Loneliness is Toxic to your Happiness? Your
Sobriety? “Social“ species are
biologically dominant Ants, Bees, zebras,
wolves, humans, etc. All social species have
“group-bonding system”
True or False – Loneliness is Toxic to your Happiness? Your
Sobriety? “Social“ species are
biologically dominant Ants, Bees, zebras, wolves,
humans, etc. All social species have
“group-bonding system” Elements of human bonding
system (a.k.a. “social love”)1. Brain2. Vagus Nerve 3. Oxytocin- stimulates
Trust, Friendliness, Altruism, Empathy, …
4. Kindness genetically programmed by genes in 3rd chromosone
True or False – Loneliness is Toxic to your Happiness? Your
Sobriety? “Social species” are
biologically dominant Ants, Bees, zebras, wolves,
humans, etc. All social species have
“group-bonding system” Elements of human bonding
system (a.k.a. “social love”)1. Brain2. Vagus Nerve 3. Oxytocin- stimulates
Trust, Friendliness, Altruism, Empathy, …
4. Kindness genetically programmed by genes in 3rd chromosone
Signals from our body: Hunger Nutrition Thirst Hydration Loneliness Connection
(longing) (love)
Answer Loneliness is not toxic. Loneliness is a signal
from your body to connect.
Not attending to your loneliness IS TOXIC
“Social Love Malnutrition” vs. “Social Love Fitness”
(Oxytocin deficient vs. Oxytocin Abundant)
Love Deficiency predicts: Greater Anxiety Vulnerabilty to Depression Top risk driver for addiction “Opposite of addiction is not
substance (behavior)-free, …the opposite of addiction is connection”
Symptoms of “Love Malnutrition”: See more threats everywhere Lack in whom to confide No/low sense of tribe
(collective identity) to which one belongs
Social Love Fitness predicts: Better Cardiovascular
condition Immune system more fit Socially more integrated Emotionally more resilient
Other benefits when experiencing social connection Accelerated learning Intensified pleasure and
negative reactions
About Love (Connection)Cultural vs.Socio-Biological
Cultural Notions:“Everlasting”“Exclusive”“Unconditional” /
Love is blind
Digital? Scalable?
Socio-Biological love30 sec – few minutes
Not “everlasting”, but forever renewable.
Like bread (or sobriety), love must be made new every day
Possible with any other Very sensitive to context &
safety “Inter-experienced” directly
2,538 Friends
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How to make (Social) Love1. Sharing Positive Emotion
(Safety and Smiles)
2. Direct behavioral & hormonal synchrony (Biomimicry)
3. Mutual inter-personal good intention (Reflected intention to invest in mutual-care towards well-being)
STEP 9 Exercise-Amending how you connect
Choose a topic you are PASSIONATE about
PART 1 Take turns 1st person shares 2nd person behaviorally ignores,
undermines, diminishes the communication.
Debrief
PART 2 1st person repeats section with
the 2nd person listening attentively and fully engaged
Debrief Switch Listeners….
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Dr. Bob's Last Message
“Our 12 Steps, when simmered down to the last, resolve themselves into the words love and service.” 1st Int’l Conf. of
Alcoholics AnonymousJuly 1950
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This Week’s Homework
MAKE LOVE POSSIBLE
Be the listener for others to experience positive connection Start with the 3-5 persons you identified from
last week
Share on the gratitude list examples of “micro-moments” of love