star wars episode vii: j.j.'s cool rocket movie

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    EXT. SPACE - DAY

    Infinite stars, receding into forever. Over that classic music we all love so much, we see the opening crawl:

    Episode VII

    THE FORCE AWAKENS

    Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. There is unrestin the Galactic Senate. Several thousand solar systems have

    declared their intentions to leave the Republic.

    War! The Republic is crumbling under attacks by the ruthlessSith Lord, Kylo Ren. There are heroes on both sides. Evil is

    everywhere.

    It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking froma hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil

    Galactic Empire. It is a dark time for the Rebellion.

    Although the first Starkiller Base has been destroyed, theyare building another Starkiller Base. Imperial troops havedriven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued

    them across the galaxy.

    Han Solo has returned to his home planet of Jakku in anattempt to rescue his friend Chewbacca from the clutches of

    the vile gangster Maz Kanata.

    Tilt down to reveal the Millennium Falcon crusin’ along likea bat out of Hell. (Memo to John Williams: score should be an

    orchestral cover of ‘Takin’ Care of Business’ by BachmannTurner Overdrive - Jeffrey Jacob)

    INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON COCKPIT - DAY

    HAN SOLO pilots. GENERAL LEIA SKYWALKER co-pilots.

    HANI’m comin’ for ya, Chewie!

    He whoops.

    LEIA It’s not charming anymore, Han.You’re a grandfather.

    HANWe don’t know that for a fact.

    C-3PO comes waddling in from the back.

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    C-3POSir, I was wondering if I mightpower down for a while.

    HANThreepio, we’re wheels down in ten

     minutes.

    C-3POI understand, sir. I’m justterribly tired, and it would be solovely to power down, just ever sobriefly.

    LEIA Let the droid power down, Han. Justfor a few minutes. Why not?

    HAN

    All right, fine. Don’t do it inhere, though!

    C-3POOf course not, sir. I was going tosit down at the holo-chess board.

    HANNot there!

    C-3POI’m sorry, sir?

    HANI might want to play holo-chesslater!

    LEIA Han, we’re about to land on Jakku.

    HANI always like to the have theoption to play holo-chess if I wantto.

    C-3POI do plan to power up when we land,sir.

    LEIA Let the droid sleep in the chair,Han!

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    C-3POIt’s not, strictly, sleeping,General Skywalker.

    LEIA It’s sleeping.

    C-3POOf course, General Skywalker.

    R2-D2 comes rolling in, chirping and whirring.

    C-3PO (CONT’D)Sir, R2-D2 has informed me that he,too, would like to power down, ifonly for a moment, so he’s offeredto lay on his side and let me usehim as a pillow.

    LEIA Perfect.

    HANWell don’t do it in here!

    C-3POWe thought we’d lie down under theholo-chess board, sir.

    HANNo! Nowhere near the holo-chessboard!

    LEIA Han, we’re almost on the ground!Let the droids sleep!

    HANFine! Go sleep on the holo-chessboard!

    C-3POUnder the -

    HANJust go.

    Threepio and Artoo waddle out. Han pilots, irritated. Long,tense moment.

    LEIA It’s my family’s name, Han. I needto honor my heritage.

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    LEIA That’s not how it works, Han. Ifyou say a stupid thing all thetime, you just have a stupidcatchphrase. Congratulations.

    HANAll right, let’s grab Chewie andget the fuck off this rock.

    LEIA Han!

    HANWhat?

    LEIA You know I hate when you talk likethat.

    HANFor Space-Christ’s sake, Leia, Ihad to watch my language for twentyyears, let me have this.

    There’s a knock on the side of the ship. Han leaps up,grabbing his blaster.

    HAN (CONT’D)Watch my six!

    LEIA 

    Just go.

    Han leaves, Leia following.

    INT. SHIP - BULKHEAD

    Han and Leia creep down the hall. There’s a knocking on thebulkhead door. Han presses a button, then leaps back, blasterin hand, as the door opens. A stormtrooper boards the ship,blaster drawn.

    LEIA You’re a pretty normal size.

    The stormtrooper stares at her, then removes his helmet--it’sFINN.

    FINNWhat does that mean?

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    LEIA What?

    FINNAbout me being the normal size.

    LEIA You just seem like a veryappropriate size for astormtrooper. Nice work.

    FINNThanks, I guess?

    HANLeia, you seem loopy. Maybe youshould go lie down.

    LEIA 

    That might be a good idea. I’ll bein the master bunk.

    HANWell, could you take one of thetriple bunks?

    LEIA Why can’t I sleep in my own bunk?

    HANI might want to do the ellipticallater.

    LEIA Han, there’s an appropriately-sizedstormtrooper waving a gun at you,and you’re thinking aboutexercising?

    HANPlease?

    LEIA Fine. I’ll rest in the triple bunk.

    Wake me up in 20 minutes, justbefore I get to my REM cycle.

    HANSure.

    LEIA I love you.

    Han struggles.

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    LEIA (CONT’D)Don’t say it, Han.

    She turns to leave.

    HAN

    I know!

    LEIA Space-God damn it, Han. After allthese years?

    She leaves.

    FINNPassbook and registration please.

    Han presents both.

    FINN (CONT’D)How many onboard?

    HANTwo humanoids, and two droids.

    FINNWhat type of droid?

    HANOne speaks a lot of languages andcan do math really fast, and onecan’t talk or move very fast, but

    can do a lot of things andsometimes fly.

    FINNI meant the make and model.

    HANOh, C-3PO and R2-D2.

    FINNMy grandmother had a Threepio. Ihated that fucking droid.

    HANI know, right?

    FINNOK, well, everything seems to be inorder.

    (MORE)

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    Listen, though, it’s hot a Space-Hell out there, and I only got likethree hours’ sleep last night. Doyou have somewhere I could laydown?

    HANOh, well, I have to go dosomething.

    FINNJust even for a minute while youget ready to go.

    HANFine, sure, go lie down.

    FINNYou mentioned a master bunk?

    HANOh, well -

    FINNThat sounds nice, where is it?

    HANIn the back, but -

    FINNThanks.

    He goes.

    HANAll right, what do I need...got thekeys, got sunglasses, got earbuds,some gum. Am I good?

    He looks around, patting his pockets.

    MAZ (O.C.)You forgot one thing, Solo.

    Han spins to see MAZ KANATA, a weird little alien thing. MAZhas a cuffed CHEWBACCA with her, and she has a lightsaberdrawn.

    HANMaz Kanata, you dirty old beast. Ihad a feeling I’d run into you onthis rock. What did I forget?

    FINN (CONT'D)

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    MAZWhat?

    HANWhat did I forget?

    MAZWhat are you talking about?

    HANYou said -

    MAZYour wookie needs rest. Let him liedown while we talk.

    HANSure, fine. Chewie, you OK, bud?

    He goes to Chewie, but Maz shoves Han away.

    HAN (CONT’D)I’ll take him...

    (looks over shoulder, sly)...to the master bunk.

    MAZNo! I’m onto you, Solo. He’ll sleepin the cockpit, on the floor, likethe animal he is.

    HAN

    Have a heart! Let him sleep in abunk.

    MAZDon’t test me, Solo!

    She waves her lightsaber at him.

    HANMan, the Galactic LightsaberAssociation really has the galacticsenate in their pocket, don’t they?

    Don’t you feel like that soundslike the kind of thing that mightbe significant in another context?I wonder if me saying that might,to some fantasy society, be a weird, ironic thing to hear. Don’tyou think? Doesn’t that just feellike it could be a satirical sortof, like -

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    MAZEnough! I’m onto you, Solo. Let the wookie sleep on the floor, wherethe people walk.

    She shoves Chewie savagely and leads him into the cockpit.

    Han follows.

    INT. COCKPIT - CONTINUOUS

    Maz shoves Chewie onto the floor.

    HANGo easy on him, he’s my bestfriend.

    Chewie bleats.

    MAZHe’ll sleep there and he’ll likeit!

    Chewie bleats sadly and lies down on the ground.

    Maz turns her attention to Han.

    MAZ (CONT’D)Now, Solo, my proposal is simple.I’ll give you the wookie, but I’llbe taking your ship in return.

    HANThat’ll be the day!

    MAZThis ship has the finest bunks ofany ship in a bazillion parsecs.Men would sell their souls to gettheir hands on bunks like these.You don’t deserve them, youscoundrel.

    HAN

    You’ll never take my ship.MAZ

    I’m afraid you really have nochoice. Because, you see, youforgot one thing.

    HANOh yeah? And what’s that?

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    MAZWhat?

    HANWhat did I forget?

    MAZWhat do you mean?

    HANYou said I -

    MAZI’ll slice you up!

    She brings her lightsaber up to strike, but suddenly she’sfelled by the butt of a staff. REY stands behind Maz, and Maztries to push herself up, but BB-8 rolls into her, knockingher flat, and she passes out.

    HANWow, nice work. Who are you?

    REYI’m Rey. I might be your daughter, maybe?

    HANWhat leads you to think that?

    REYI mean, I’m here, I have dark hair.

    Presumably I’m your daughter,right?

    HANI have two daughters, but I don’tthink -

    REYWell I’m clearly related tosomebody  or I wouldn’t be here.

    HAN

    Can your droid cut my friend loose?BB-8 chirps and whirs, then opens a bolt cutter arm and cutsChewie’s braces.

    HAN (CONT’D)Now let’s get this gangster scumoff my ship. Grab ‘er, Chewie!

    Chewie bleats, hurt.

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    HAN (CONT’D)No, of course, I’m glad to have youback, buddy. Glad to see ya.

    Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)Well now I do feel uncomfortableabout it, because you made ituncomfortable! Of course I’m gladto see you! I came to get you!

    Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)This doesn’t have to be such a bigdeal - just grab the runt.

    Chewie bends to pick Maz up, but he struggles to lift her.

    HAN (CONT’D)Don’t tell me you need help.

    Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)I don’t care how dense she is.

    REYI’ll help.

    She goes and picks Maz’s ankles up with one arm while Chewie

    struggles to hold up Maz’s shoulders.

    Suddenly, there’s a sound of blasterfire.

    HANShit! It’s the First Order! Wegotta get outta this place!

    REYI’ve got a bad feeling about this.

    HAN

    Wait, what?REY

    I said -

    HANNo you don’t get to say it again,that’s the thing. We only get oneeach time. And you just - that wassort of uncool.

    (MORE)

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    We usually talk about which one ofus is going to say it. Andhonestly, it’s been so long, I feellike everyone kind of wanted me tosay it.

    Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)Chewie, it was never gonna be you, we’ve talked about this.

    REYWell maybe it’s kind of cool that Isaid it, I don’t know.

    HANNobody likes that you said it. They wanted me to say it.

    REYWell sometimes it’s cool to passthe torch, you know? I thinkeveryone’s pretty excited to meet me, right?

    The sound of blaster fire gets closer. Bolts start firinginto the ship.

    HANCrap, they got us surrounded! Wegotta take off! Chewie, get us out

    of here!

    Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)No, I’m gonna drive, bud. You’lljust co-pilot, it’s fine.

    Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)I know, I’ll teach you soon, I

    promise, but right now we justgotta go. I’ll take you out this weekend and practice for a while.

    Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)C’mon bud.

    HAN (CONT'D)

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    REYThey’re almost here!

    HANChewie, get us out of here!

    Chewie bleats, annoyed, then gets in the shotgun seat. Reyslams the button, the bulkhead closes, and they take off. Han whoops.

    REYThat’s cute. Is that, like,something you usually do?

    HANNobody’s here for you.Just...relax, ok?

    REY

    Well what do you want me to do withthe little Yoda thing?

    HANWhat’s a Yoda?

    REYNo, I’m just saying, she looks sortof like Yoda.

    HANRight, what’s that?

    REYYou know, Yoda.

    Han looks blank.

    REY (CONT’D)You know who Yoda is, right? He’slike super  famous.

    HANI don’t think so. I have a prettygood memory. Chewie, you ever hear

    of Yoda?Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)No, Chewie hasn’t either.

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    REYWell, this little thing here lookslike Yoda, and we need to put itsomewhere until it wakes up.

    HAN

    Guess we can’t just push her outthe airlock. Not civilized.

    REYWhat happened? Why’d she have yourfriend?

    HANI can’t remember, I don’t know ifthat’s canon anymore.

    REYSo where should I put her?

    HANStick her on the holo-chess board.I don’t think I’ll be playing manygames tonight.

    (wry chuckle)

    Rey goes to pick up Maz.

    HAN (CONT’D)Chewie, help the girl.

    REY

    No, I think I got it.

    She picks Maz up under the shoulders and drags her out.

    Beat.

    Chewie bleats.

    HANYes, I was about to ask , give me a minute! Space-Christ!

    (rote)

    So how was being a prisoner?

    INT. CHILL ZONE - CONTINUOUS

    Rey drags Maz towards the holo-chess board, but Artoo islying on his side on the board, and Threepio is sitting in achair, resting his head on Artoo’s side. Rey stops short.Threepio sits up.

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    C-3POOh, hello there.

    REYHey, I didn’t know there was anyoneelse here.

    C-3POI’m C-3PO, and I know over eighttypes of root vegetable.

    REYI see. Well, I have this littleYoda-looking thing -

    C-3POWhat’s a Yoda?

    REY

    You’ve seriously never heard ofYoda either? He’s, like, a huge part of galactic history. There’s a whole unit on him in junior yeargalactic studies.

    C-3POI’m familiar with over 8 to thepower of 74 subspecies of organism,and I’ve never heard of a Yoda.

    REYYou guys all need to read a book

    sometime. Well, I’m supposed to putthe Yoda thing down on the table.

    C-3POMy associate R2-D2 is currentlypowered down on the table. Perhaps we could lay this Yo-Dah thing inthe master bunk.

    REYWhere’s that?

    C-3POI’ll lead the way.

    REYI’ve got a bad feeling -

    C-3PONo.

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    REYWhat?

    C-3POWe only get one.

    INT. MASTER BUNK - CONTINUOUS

    Threepio pushes the door open, and we see Finn passed out onthe bed.

    REYYou’ve got a stormtrooper  with you?

    C-3POAre they still calledstormtroopers?

    REYI don’t know. They pretty much are stormtroopers, but everythingprobably has some weird other namethat’s similar but a littledifferent.

    C-3POI suppose so. At any rate, I wasunaware of the presence of thisstormtropper.

    Finn jerks awake.

    FINNWho-you?

    REYI’m Rey. Who are you?

    FINNI’m Finn.

    REYI imagine our relationship is going

    to be quite important.FINN

    Why’s that?

    REYI don’t know, we’re here. Seemsreasonable we’re probably something worth paying attention to.

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    REYI might rest for a little while.

    FINNSure, that’s good. I don’t know ifthere are other bunks or anything.

    REYI’ll just curl up here with her.

    FINNReally?

    REYYeah, there’s room, she’s small.

    FINNWhat if she wakes up and tries tokill you or something?

    REYShe’s very small.

    FINNBut you’re...

    REYI’m what?

    FINNYou’re a girl, so...like, aren’tyou implicitly a little -

    (unsure hand motion)

    REYShe’s female, too.

    FINNBut she’s an alien, so the rulesare kinda, like, different. Maybeyou should sleep elsewhere.

    REYI guess I could look for another

    bunk. This definitely seems likethe nicest one, though.

    FINNWell why don’t we go look at theother bunks? Maybe they’re just asnice, and you might not get murdered.

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    REYI’m waiting to find that out. I’mreally excited about it. What’syour last name?

    LEIA 

    Skywalker.

    REYThat’s probably my last name too,then.

    LEIA Why?

    REYIt just seems like it would be,right? Since I’m here? Why would Ibe here if I’m not your daughter?

    LEIA I don’t know -

    FINNWait, did you say your name isSkywalker?

    LEIA I did.

    FINNAre you, like -

    LEIA I’m his daughter, yes.

    FINNThat’s...wow. Must have been apretty messed-up house to grow upin.

    LEIA Well, I wasn’t raised by my father.I was adopted by some piddling

    hillbillies from god remembers where.

    FINNWow, that’s -

    LEIA But did you know my father was anexcellent podracer? Not many peopleknow that. He could have gone pro.

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    FINNStill, I mean -

    LEIA Look, I’m not saying I condone whathe did, but you have to understand

    there was more to him than hiscrimes. I just don’t want himturned into a cartoon, y’know? It’snot right.

    REYWait, if you’re a stormtrooper, Ithought -

    FINNJust because I work for the man’scompany doesn’t mean I’d want himfor a dad. He force choked people

    all the time! For like no reason!It was sort of his thing!

    LEIA You know what else was his thing?Botany.

    REYLook, I need to lie down. Doesanyone else need to lie down?

    LEIA Well, I was just getting to my REM

    cycle, but maybe by now I couldjust loop back around and power napagain.

    FINNWell, I’m OK, I think.

    LEIA They’re pretty nice bunks.

    FINNThey don’t look great.

    REYNo, they’re not so bad.

    Finn goes to one and sits down.

    FINNYeah, it’s pretty good actually.Maybe I’ll lie back down for just afew minutes.

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    Poe carries a heavy bag, a folding stool, a picnic basket,and a cape.

    KYLO REN (O.C.)On!

    Hum of lightsaber, and then Kylo Ren appears, wielding hisbadass crossguard lightsaber. They walk around the corridor,and then back towards the airlock, which Poe steps through.

    Han and Chewie come out of the cockpit, rubbing their eyes.Kylo Ren stops short, jerking the rope violently.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Back!

    We hear Poe falling with all his baggage.

    Chewie takes a step toward Kylo Ren, but Han holds him by the

    arm.

    HANStay where you are!

    KYLO RENBe careful! He’s wicked. Withstrangers.

    HANWho’s this fella?

    Chewie shrugs.

    KYLO RENI present myself: Kylo Ren.

    (terrifying voice)Does that name mean nothing to you?

    HANKylo Pen...Kylo Pen...

    KYLO RENKYLO REN!

    HANIs it Kylo Ren or Kylo Pen? I onceknew a Kal Penn. We’re not fromthese parts.

    KYLO RENYou are a human being nonetheless.As far as one can see.

    (enormous laugh)Of the same species as Poe!

    (MORE)

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    Made in Space-God’s image! Let ussay no more about it.

    (jerks rope)Up, pig! Every time he fallsasleep.

    (jerks rope)

    Up, hog!

    Noise of Poe getting up and picking up his luggage. Kylo Renjerks the rope.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Back!

    Poe walks back in, backward.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Stop!

    Poe stops.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Turn!

    Poe turns to Han and Chewie.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Gentlemen, I am happy to have metyou.

    Han and Chewie are skeptical.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Yes, yes, sincerely happy.

    He jerks the rope.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Closer!

    Poe advances.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Stop!

    Poe stops.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Yes, space seems long when onejourneys all alone for...

    (consults Apple Watch)Yes...yes, six hours, that’s right,six hours on end, and never a soulin sight.

    KYLO REN (CONT'D)

    (MORE)

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    (to Poe)Cape!

    Poe puts down his luggage, brings Kylo Ren’s cape, then goesback to his place and picks up the bag.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Hold that!

    Kylo Ren holds out his badass crossguard lightsaber. Poeadvances and, both hands occupied, takes the badasscrossguard lightsaber in his mouth, then goes back to hisplace. Kylo Ren begins to put on his coat, cape, stops.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Cape!

    Poe puts down the bag, basket, and his stool, helps Kylo Renput on his cape, goes back to his place, and takes up bag,

    basket, and stool.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Touch of autumn in space thisevening.

    Kylo Ren finishes attaching his cape, stoops, inspectshimself, straightens up.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Lightstaber!

    Poe advances, stoops. Kylo Ren snatches the badass crossguard

    lightstaber from his mouth. Poe goes back to his place.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Yes, gentlemen, I cannot go forlong without the society of mylikes.

    He looks at Han and Chewie.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Even when my likeness is animperfect one. Stool!

    Poe puts down the bag and basket, advances, opens stool, putsit down, goes back to his place, takes up bag and basket.Kylo Ren sits down, places the butt of his badass crossguardlightstaber against Poe’s chest and pushes.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Back!

    Poe takes a step back

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)

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    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Further!

    Poe takes another step back.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)

    Stop!

    Poe stops.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)(to Han and Chewie)

    That is why, with your permission,I propose to dally with you a moment, before I venture anyfurther. Basket!

    Poe advances, gives the basket, goes back to his place.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)The pressurized air stimulates thejaded appetite.

    He opens the basket, takes out a piece of Gungan and a bottleof wine.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Basket!

    Poe advances, picks up the basket, and goes back to hisplace.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Further!

    Poe steps back.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)He stinks. Happy days! At any rate,do you have a room I might rest in,eat my meal in peace, and thensleep a while?

    HAN

    But who are you?KYLO REN

    I’m Kylo Ren. I’m probably the mostfeared man in the galaxy. At leastit seems like I probably am. Now, where may I rest my weary bones?

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    KYLO REN (CONT’D)I mean, there’s bunks, we could gofind you one. If you’re a veryimportant man, I mean.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)

    It seems like I probably am. Yousee a lot of me around. I’m almostdefinitely a really importantperson.

    INT. TRIPLE BUNK - MOMENTS LATER

    Han pokes his head in. Leia stirs.

    LEIA Han!

    Han puts a finger to his lips, and winks.

    INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

    HANThat one’s occupied. I’ll set youup in the other one. Doesyour...friend need to sleep, too?

    KYLO RENHe can do what he wants, he’s afree man.

    HANIs he?

    KYLO RENHe likes it. This whole deal washis idea.

    Poe nods.

    INT. TRIPLE BUNK 2 - CONTINUOUS

    Han shows Kylo Ren and Poe into the bunk.

    KYLO RENWhich ones shall we take?

    HANWhichever, they’re all the same.

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    EXT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

    Han turns. Chewie is waiting, and Leia comes down thecorridor.

    LEIA 

    There you are. Listen, we need totalk.

    HANChewie, give us a minute, huh?

    LEIA Chewie can stay.

    HANNo, it’s OK, he can go. Let’s justtalk.

    LEIA It’s so strange how you won’t talkto me with your friend around. Areyou ashamed of how we are together?

    HANShe’s just playin’, Chewie. Hey,grab me those replacement coils forthe rear auxiliary thrust, yeah?

    Chewie looks back and forth, uncomfortable. Leia shrugs andnods, and he goes.

    LEIA OK, listen -

    HANI just need you to hear that it’sdifficult for me when you talk that way in front of him.

    LEIA I’m sorry, but -

    HAN

    No. No. You...LEIA 

    I hear you, and I understand yourfeelings. We need to talk about what I -

    HANDo you have anything to say to me?

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    LEIA Well, obviously we blow it up.

    HANWith what?

    Quick push on her roguish expression.

    LEIA That’s what we have to figure out.

    (yawn)Man, I’m still so tired.

    STAR WIPE TO:

    INT. TRIPLE BUNK 1 - CONTINUOUS

    Finn and Rey are sleeping, but one stirs, then the other.

    They roll over, seeing each other.

    REYHi.

    FINNHi.

    They sit up, facing each other.

    REYSo what’s a stormtrooper doingriding along with a bunch of

    pirates?

    FINNPirates?

    REYYeah. Han Solo, legendary smugglerand pirate -

    FINNBut he had papers...

    REYOh. Yeah. My bad.

    FINNIt’s OK. This stormtrooper thing’snot really working out anyway.

    REYWhy not?

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    REYUh-huh? Or else?

    FINNOr else he gives you notes and asksyou to try harder next time.

    REYWell, with everything else you’regoing through, I guess -

    FINNAnd you only get dessert with lunchand dinner.

    REYWhat?

    FINN

    You like a little ice cream afterbreakfast? Maybe a little browniesundae with your eggs? Forget it. Decorate your own cupcakes at lunchand then your choice of fourdessert options at dinner. Only  four.

    REYWhat’s the budget for stormtrooperfood?

    FINN

    And there isn’t even a cheesecourse at lunch. I gotta have achange of scene. Guess I’m a piratenow.

    He goes to Rey’s bed and sits down.

    FINN (CONT’D)So what’s your story?

    REYI’m not sure! I’m really looking

    forward to finding out! I feel likeI might be a scavenger orsomething? I run around in old wrecks and where I live does not look very nice, I’ll tell you.

    Finn nods. They share a look. He leans in.

    REY (CONT’D)Nope, nope, nope.

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    Finn sits back, wounded.

    REY (CONT’D)Sorry, there’s every chance we’rebrother and sister. It happens. Youcan’t be too careful.

    FINNNo, you’re right, that’s a goodcall. I feel like I’m definitelyrelated to somebody around here.

    REYIt just seems natural, right?

    FINNIt really does.

    REY

    (standing)Well, I’m gonna go see what’s goingon out there.

    FINNOK. I might lie down a whilelonger.

    REYSure.

    FINNI really got like no sleep last

    night. Was this bed comfy?

    REYIt was good, yeah.

    FINNI guess I’ll try it.

    REYHow was yours?

    FINN

    It was good. Nice support but ahealthy bounce.

    Rey sits down on the other bed.

    REYMaybe I’ll lie down a little whilelonger. I didn’t really sleep thenight before last, so -

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    FINNYeah, they say that’s when itreally catches up with you.

    REYRight, sleep debt.

    FINNGotta pay it off.

    They lie down and go back to sleep.

    STAR WIPE TO:

    INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

    Han and Leia hustle down the hall.

    LEIA We’ll have to talk to Obi-Wan. He’sour only hope.

    HANLeia, Obi-Wan’s been dead fordecades. Did you ever even meethim?

    LEIA I’m a Skywalker, Han. He just,like, hangs around. Sometimes he’ssmiling, sometimes he’s just sort

    of watching. Honestly, it’s rare heisn’t around.

    HANLeia, what are you talking about?

    LEIA I see Obi-Wan almost constantly.But he never wants to talk, so Idon’t mention it.

    HAN

    How long has this been going on?LEIA 

    Since, like, Endor or so.

    HANSpace-Jesus, Leia, how have youkept this from me for so long? Thisis serious. We need to talk tosomeone about this.

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    LEIA It’s not a big deal, Luke sees him,too.

    HANLuke sees ghosts?

    LEIA It’s not that big a deal!

    HANThis is too much. I gotta go sitdown, maybe nap for a minute.You’re really throwing me.

    LEIA Where will you sleep?

    HAN

    In the cockpit, I don’t care. Justlet me close my eyes. I need a moment.

    LEIA OK. It’ll be OK.

    Suddenly, menacing music overtakes the soundtrack (Memo toJohn Williams: Maybe a cover of ‘Welcome to the Jungle’? -Jeffrey Jacob) A figure wrests open the airlock and stepsinside. It’s CAPTAIN PHASMA, and she’s shiny and badass andher voice sounds like a woman maybe or sort of like a robotor at least a robot/woman. We’ll figure it out.

    CAPTAIN PHASMA Where are the plans, you cunt?

    LEIA Whoa!

    HANHey! That is some very aggressivelanguage!

    CAPTAIN PHASMA 

    I’m a woman. It’s fine, I can sayit.

    HANThis is my ship, and it’s a hate-free zone, so -

    Captain Phasma points her big badass blaster thing at him.

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    CAPTAIN PHASMA Where are the plans you space-kike?

    HANThat’s wildly  inappropriate!

    CAPTAIN PHASMA I’m taking the plans. Whetheryou’re alive when I go is up toyou. So hand them over, don’t be atowelhead -

    LEIA WHOA!

    HANHEY! UNACCEPTABLE!

    CAPTAIN PHASMA 

    The plans!

    HANNOT UNTIL WE UNPACK EVERYTHING YOUJUST SAID!

    CAPTAIN PHASMA Give them to me or you’re dead, youpair of -

    There’s a sound of staff-on-steel, and Captain Phasma goesdown. Rey is behind her. BB-8 rolls around, chirping and whirring.

    HANWow, that was easy.

    REYI like to hit people.

    HANClearly.

    Leia checks on Captain Phasma.

    LEIA She’s out. Where should we stowher?

    REYDo you have a cargo hold?

    HANThere’s kind of a lot of stuff downthere.

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    LEIA Yeah, we have a lot of ourvaluables down there, weddingchina, stuff like that. I’d justhate to -

    HANYeah. So...maybe just stick her inthe master bunk?

    REYYou’ve got the little Yoda thing inthere.

    LEIA What’s a Yoda?

    REYAre you kidding?

    HANWe’ll put her in the bathroom. Layher down in the whirlpool.

    REYYou have a whirlpool on theMillennium Falcon?

    HANGot a bad back. Which raises thepoint -

    LEIA We’ll take her out if you want tosoak later, Han.

    HANOK, cool. Let’s do it.

    REYWhat if one of us has to...go?

    HANWell, once we hook up to the

    Kessell Run, we could get off anexit in - maybe 20 minutes?

    REYI should just go now, then.

    HANSure. Good call. Then I really amgonna go close my eyes for a while.

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    REYThere’s space in that triple bunk.

    HANSounds good.

    Suddenly, the ship starts pitching and veering wildly.Everyone careens around.

    CUT TO:

    INT. COCKPIT - CONTINUOUS

    Chewie has taken the auto-pilot off, and is trying to pilotthe ship. He doesn’t understand the controls, and he’sfreaking out. The ship bobs and weaves sickeningly for a while, and then Chewie jams the autopilot switch and thingslevel out. Chewie sighs and lies back, closing his eyes.

    INT. CHILL ZONE - LATER

    Leia sits down at the holo-chess board, where Artoo stilllays on his side. Artoo stirs, chirping and whirring.

    LEIA Hey, Artoo. Sorry I woke you.

    Artoo chirps and whirs.

    LEIA (CONT’D)

    Huh? Oh, of course.

    She stands, picks Artoo up, and puts him on the ground. Artoochirps and whirs.

    LEIA (CONT’D)I tell ya, Artoo, it’s been a hardroad since the empire fell. Andthen especially the last fiveyears, with Sadie and her behaviorproblems. I didn’t know what I wasgoing to do sometimes. I know you

    knew about a lot of this. I didn’ttry all that hard to keep it asecret.

    Artoo chirps and whirs.

    LEIA (CONT’D)But she was figuring herself out,and I think she got there. I hopeshe got there.

    (MORE)

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    She may have some more work to do,but she will get there. She’s agood girl. Isn’t she, Artoo? Tell me. Tell me my Sadie’s a good girl,Artoo!

    There are tears in her eyes. Artoo shrinks back, chirping and whirring.

    LEIA (CONT’D)I’m sorry, I’m overwhelmed. MaybeI’ll just lay my head down and restfor a minute. Is it OK if I do thathere?

    Artoo chirps and whirs.

    LEIA (CONT’D)I’ll just do it.

    MAZ (O.C.)Not so fast Captain Skywalker!

    Leia turns. Maz is a few feet from her, lightsaber drawn.

    LEIA Maz Canata, you slimy old wench. Ithought I’d seen the far side ofyou for the last time.

    MAZYou thought wrong, and I’m here to

    say, this ain’t gonna be your luckyday.

    LEIA Wait, were you just, like -

    MAZWhat?

    LEIA Were you freestyling?

    MAZWhat do you mean?

    Artoo rolls quietly away.

    LEIA That last thing you said, itrhymed, and it sort of had, like, acadence.

    LEIA (CONT’D)

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    MAZWhat are you talking about?

    LEIA Well you were like...

    (imitating)

    “My name’s Maz Kanata and I’m hereto say -”

    MAZI never said “My name’s MazKanata!”

    LEIA Well I don’t remember exactly  whatyou said.

    MAZYou made me self conscious now.

    LEIA I’m sorry. What were you saying?

    MAZ(halting)

    Well now I’m all, like, in my headabout it.

    LEIA No, no, go on.

    Finn comes creeping up behind Maz, Artoo rolling behind.

    MAZFine. Listen close, because this isa story all about how your life isgonna be flipped--turned  upsidedown.

    LEIA Now that definitely  sounds like -

    Finn grabs Maz by the ankle and lifts her upside down. Mazshrieks and struggles, her lightsaber falling to the ground.

    MAZUnhand me, knave!

    FINNWhat do you want me to do with her?

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    HAN(entering)

    We’re touching down, we can let heroff. I’ve got an old friend I’dlike to see.

    LEIA Who’s that?

    HANLet’s just say...

    (cocky grin)I’ve got an old friend I’d like tosee. I’m gonna go rest my eyes while Chewie parks, though.

    LEIA Where will you rest your eyes?

    HANCockpit. We’re close.

    LEIA The master bunk’s free, now.

    HANOh, good call.

    He goes.

    STAR WIPE TO:

    INT. BULKHEAD - LATER

    The bulkhead opens to reveal the Cloud City landing strip.Finn throws Maz out.

    FINN(holding lightsaber)

    And I’m keeping this!

    Maz runs off, grumbling.

    Han comes up behind Finn.HAN

    Where is he? Where’s my best buddyin the world?

    LANDO (O.C.)(affectionate)

    Han, you dirty old motherfucker.

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    LANDO CALRISSIAN enters, and he looks exactly  like he did in‘Empire Strikes Back’--he literally hasn’t aged a day. (Memoto VFX: Let’s not go crazy on the budget for the mo-cap.Like, make it halfway decent, but we don’t need the deluxepackage - Jeffrey Jacob).

    HANLando Calrissian. You haven’t ageda day.

    LANDOI really haven’t. I look exactlylike I did  thirty years ago.

    HANIt’s quite eerie! Well, this is mygood friend Finn. He’s new to thepirate game.

    LANDOFinn, glad to meet you.

    They shake.

    LANDO (CONT’D)What line of work’s your daddy in,Finn?

    FINNOh, I never knew my father.

    Han gets excited and squeals.

    LANDOWhat?

    Han points back and forth between them.

    HANI mean...maybe?

    LANDOYou think?

    FINNI don’t know. I don’t like that.

    LANDONo, it just feels worse somehow.Right?

    FINNYeah, I don’t like that idea.

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    HANGot it. Sorry.

    LANDOWell, I understand Leia has somevery interesting topics to discuss.

    If you don’t mind, though, I wasabout to go have a rest. Though Ido, of course, look exactly like Idid 30 years ago -

    (Memo to VFX: I mean, in the ballpark at least - JeffreyJacob)

    LANDO (CONT’D)- my body is actually aging at agrotesquely rapid rate. My insidesare essentially that pink goo they make chicken nuggets out of. I have

    to lie down every ten minutes orso.

    HANWhy don’t you come lie down on theship? Then we can talk whenyou...awaken.

    LANDOOh, I really do need so much rest.

    HANWell, that alone sounds like it

    could pay comic dividends.

    LANDOIf you insist. You always were akindly old motherfucker.

    HANI’ll put you in the triple bunk.

    FINNWell, Rey’s in one of those. Idon’t know about the other.

    HANOh, the other’s occupied, too.

    FINNBy whom?

    HANA couple guys, I’m not really sure what their deal is.

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    LANDOAnything’s fine.

    HANMaster bedroom’s free, I think.

    LANDOSounds lovely.

    HANBut you can’t use the bathroom.

    STAR WIPE TO:

    COCKPIT

    Chewie reads a magazine.

    STAR WIPE TO:

    INT. CHILL ZONE - LATER

    Han and Threepio play holo-chess. Leia relaxes in a loungechair and shuts her eyes.

    STAR WIPE TO:

    SAME - LATER

    Lando, Han, Leia, Chewie, Rey, Finn, and the droids allstand, holding drinks. They toast, cheer. They laugh and hug.Music BLARES (Memo to sound: pay whatever you need to to getthat Cher song about do you believe in life after love.Whatever you need to. - Jeffrey Jacob).

    LANDOSo, Leia. These Starkiller plans.

    LEIA Right, yes. We need to blow it up.

    LANDOWith what?

    LEIA That’s what we’re here to talkabout.

    LANDOI see. Cloud City has a massivestore of ammunition.

    (MORE)

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    I’ll have some delivered.(into Apple Watch)

    Lobot, deliver all the ammunition we have to the loading dock.

    (listen)Just do it, I said! Fuck, Lobot!

    It’s called chain of command! Space-Jesus Fucking Space-Christ.(to Leia)

    It’ll be here in a few seconds.

    LEIA Wow, that’s quick.

    LANDOWell, we gotta keep things moving.

    REYYou know, when I  was a little girl,

    I once didn’t take a bath for eightyears -

    LEIA What’s happening now?

    REYI just thought we were killingtime. And it seemed like it mightbe a chance for everyone to get toknow me a little. I know everyone’sreally stoked I’m here.

    HANI’m not even sure why  you’re stillhere.

    REYOh...I mean, well...let’s behonest...

    (tugs collar)Some of us ain’t...getting...

    (mutters)Any younger...

    LEIA That’s a terrible thing to say andyou’re a terrible person to say it.I hate you forever and I hope youdie.

    REYWell, I ain’t goin’ anywhere, that much is clear, so buckle in.

    LANDO (CONT'D)

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    Chewie roars in approval, everyone else nods in agreement,and they all wander out.

    STAR WIPE TO:

    INT. BATHROOM - LATER

    Captain Phasma stirs in the whirlpool, looks around,and...awakens. She talks into an Apple Watch.

    CAPTAIN PHASMA Sir, the rebel scum detained me.Can you come get me?

    GENERAL HUX (V.O.)Are they still called rebels?

    CAPTAIN PHASMA 

    I don’t know, there’s probably someother bullshit, but they’ve gotthat whole persecution complexthing, rebels just feels rightstill.

    GENERAL HUX (V.O.)That’s fine. Sure, I’ll come pickyou up. Where you at, boo?

    CAPTAIN PHASMA I don’t know, fucking space! I’vebeen knocked out for a while!

    GENERAL HUX (V.O.)Calm down, do you have a tummy acheor something?

    CAPTAIN PHASMA A little.

    GENERAL HUX (V.O.)Yeah, I do, too, it’s really weird.So, yeah, I’ll figure it out. Seeyou probably pretty soon.

    CAPTAIN PHASMA OK. I guess I’ll just lay back inthis fucking bathtub.

    GENERAL HUX (V.O.)Maybe you can catch some moresleep. Last night was a big one.

    (MORE)

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    Because you can’t promise thatpeople who are compatible whenthey’re thirty - that the peoplethey become at sixty will still becompatible. And yeah, you talkabout growing together, and that it

    keeps you from growing apart, but,Chewie...a life is a long time. I’mnot the same man I was when I wasthirty.

    Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)Hey, how old are you, actually?We’re about the same age, right? Ialways just sort of assumed.

    Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)Uh-huh...look, I’ll be real,Chewie. Could you write it down?

    Chewie bleats, questioning.

    HAN (CONT’D)I just...OK, confession time: Idon’t understand Wookie.

    Chewie bleats, shocked and confused.

    HAN (CONT’D)I know, I usually just sort ofinfer from context. I’m sorry, bud.

    Chewie bleats, accusatory.

    HAN (CONT’D)See, like that. Like, you seem  pretty upset, so I’d usually belike, “You bet, Chewie!” Or“Chewie, get us out of here!” I mean, you must have noticed.

    Chewie bleats, sad.

    HAN (CONT’D)Yeah, I guess you never want tobelieve something like that couldbe true, huh?

    HAN (CONT'D)

    (MORE)

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    REYNo! It’s so good to see you!

    STAR WIPE TO:

    INT. TRIPLE BUNK - LATER

    Han is asleep in a bed. Threepio and Artoo are lying down onthe ground, Threepio’s head on Artoo’s side.

    Suddenly the door hisses open and GENERAL HUX--looking oh manso badass and skinny and ginger--comes in. Captain Phasmafollows.

    GENERAL HUXOn your feet, Solo!

    Han stirs and turns.

    HANSorry, do I know you?

    GENERAL HUXWe’ve been monitoring your movements. We’ve got a lot todiscuss with you and your beautiful wife.

    HANWhat a sweet thing to say!

    GENERAL HUX(voice cracking)

    Where are the plans?

    Han tries not to laugh.

    GENERAL HUX (CONT’D)It’s not funny!

    (voice crackingdramatically)

    Where are the plans?(normal voice)

    Space-Goddamn it.Han can’t hold it in, and he laughs. Threepio and Artoohave...awakened , and they laugh merrily.

    GENERAL HUX (CONT’D)IT’S NOT FUNNY!

    CAPTAIN PHASMA Just give us the fucking plans.

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    HANNah.

    GENERAL HUXAre these bunks comfortable? Theylooks nice. I need something new

    for my transport.

    HANThey’re fine. Good value for what we paid.

    GENERAL HUXMaybe I’ll have to try one outlater.

    CAPTAIN PHASMA Sir! Stay on task!

    GENERAL HUXRight.

    (voice crackingdramatically)

    Where are the - FUCK!

    CAPTAIN PHASMA The plans, Solo. Just...let’s tryto get through this.

    HANFine. They’re in the other room.

    Phasma and Hux nod.

    HAN (CONT’D)Well, you gotta move aside, or Ican’t show you.

    GENERAL HUXOh, sorry.

    He steps aside. Han leads, and they go.

    Threepio and Artoo watch the others go.

    C-3POI never told you this--I’m totallyaddicted to heroin!

    Artoo chirps and whirs.

    C-3PO (CONT’D)I know! Like 110% addicted!

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    Artoo chirps and whirs.

    C-3PO (CONT’D)Yeah, I guess I handle my highpretty well. But nope, totally,unquestionably, addicted to heroin.

    Weird, huh?

    Artoo chirps and whirs.

    BB-8 rolls into the doorway and chirps and whirs. Artoo leansforward aggressively and chirps and whirs menacingly. BB-8chirps and whirs in a most frightened manner and makes hastedown the corridor.

    STAR WIPE TO:

    INT. CHILL ZONE - MOMENTS LATER

    Han leads General Hux and Phasma in.

    HANThe plans are right over - Finn,blast ‘em!

    Finn drops from the ceiling dramatically and fires at GeneralHux and Phasma wildly, missing badly every time. Not evenclose.

    GENERAL HUXSpace-Christ.

    HANGet ‘em, Finn!

    Rey wanders in, eating a popsicle.

    REYHey, what’s going on? This looksexciting.

    GENERAL HUXPhasma, grab the girl.

    Captain Phasma, easily ducking around the blaster bolts,seizes Rey.

    REY(kind of psyched)

    Whoa, what’s this all about? Seemslike an interesting turn!

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    GENERAL HUXYou’ll be coming with us, my love.Back to the second Starkiller Base,and if your friends ever want tosee you again, they better not blowthat shit up. Phasma! To the

    transport!

    Finn continues firing wildly, and Hux and Phasma just duckaround it.

    HANGet ‘em, Finn!

    REYOh boy! A big adventure for Rey!Now I’m sort of, like, the mostimportant part, kind of, right?

    HANNobody feels that way.

    REYWell, it’s a promising avenue forold Rey, I’ll tell you that! Seeyou at my rescue!

    Hux and Phasma take Rey through the airlock and they’re gone.Finn stops shooting.

    HANWell, the important thing is, we

    tried.

    The chill zone is utterly riddled with singed blaster holes.

    FINNI might need to lie down.

    HANGood call. Where do you want to -

    STAR WIPE TO:

    INT. COCKPIT - LATER

    Han pilots, Chewie practices sign language. Leia standsbetween them.

    LEIA OK, by my calculations, the newStarkiller Base is somewhere withinthe known galaxy.

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    HANWord, I’ll put it on the GPS.

    LEIA Space-God, I hope Rey is OK.

    HANI mean...does this feel kind oflike an ethical dilemma, though?Like, sure, we get the girl back,THEN we blow up the Death Star -

    LEIA Starkiller Base.

    HANWhatever, so say we can do both?Boom goes the probe droid,everyone’s happy. But we’re

    introducing kind of a lot of risk,too. Like, what if we all get wipedout?

    LEIA It would be worth it to save Rey.

    HANThat’s what I’m saying! What if wedon’t save whatsername, and we alldie? Then we’re all dead, plusthere’s still a base thing, andthen a LOT of people die!

    LEIA It will have been worth it.

    HANWill it, though? So much death justto save a girl who’s functionally astranger? I mean, we don’t evenknow what that chick’s deal is. Wecould just sort of, like...what’s abetter word for sacrifice? Abandon?No...offer? That’s worse.

    LEIA Han, what if it was Hanriette?

    HANDon’t you bring my angel into this.

    LEIA Of course, no, Hanriette’s a coolkid.

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    HANOur daughter? My heart that livesoutside my body is a “cool kid?”You’re too fucking much, Leia, Itell ya.

    LEIA Han, she dropped out of clowncollege. Clown college.

    HANIt’s a really challengingprofession!

    LEIA I mean, sure. OK. But we give herall that money to record the demofor her Sy Snoodles death metalcover band, and where does that go?

    HANShe had an investment opportunity!

    LEIA It was a pyramid scheme, Han.

    HANIt was a great opportunity. I’dhave been mad if she didn’t takeit.

    LEIA 

    It was called ‘Triangle SalesmenInc.’

    HANJust goes to show you can never besure of anything in this life. Oh,shit! Bogarts on my six!

    (into Apple Watch)Finn! Get down to the turret! Wegot company!

    FINN (V.O.)

    Keen!LEIA 

    Who’s chasing us?

    HANI don’t know. How does ‘TheRepublic Insurgence’ sound?

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    LEIA That could totally be a thing.

    HANBitchin’.

    Push on his face. Cocky grin. (Memo to John Williams: Howabout ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ again? I don’t want to go brokeon music rights - Jeffrey Jacob)

    HAN (CONT’D)Let’s fuck some RepublicalInsurgents all the fuck up.

    LEIA Han, I really wish -

    HANAll the fuck up.

    INT. GUN TURRET - CONTINUOUS

    Finn hops into the turret and spins around, laughing andcheering.

    Suddenly, two Tie Fighters but like kind of a littledifferent, like what if the cockpits are squares instead orlike the wings are triangles. We’ll try some stuff. It’lllook so cool. Anyway, those Tie Fighters sort of things comezooming in like rrrrrrrrnh and Finn is all pow pow pow.

    HAN (V.O.)Finn, you hear me? We got company!

    FINNWhat’s that from? That you justsaid?

    HAN (V.O.)Nothing, just something I said.

    FINNIt sounded like you were quoting

    something.HAN (V.O.)

    Space-Jesus, Finn, I can beoriginal! Give me some credit!

    (beat)Oh, no, Leia’s right, I did saysomething like that once.Plagiarized myself!

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    FINNBeen there.

    He keeps firing wildly but none of his shots are hitting.

    INT. COCKPIT - CONTINUOUS

    HANChewie, do your thing!

    Chewie nods dramatically, stands, and goes.

    INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

    Chewie strides along, purposeful. He picks up BB-8 andcarries him. BB-8 chirps and whirs.

    Chewie goes to a window, holds his breath, opens the window,and throws BB-8 out really hard.

    Through the window, we see BB-8 go zooming at one of the TieFighters. He hits the Tie Fighter thingy, which loses itsbalance, crashes into the other Tie Fighter thingy, and oh man it’s so cool (Memo to VFX: See if we can get stockeffects for the explosion, I’m fine cutting corners on stuffnobody’s gonna notice. Even the Mentos and Coke thing might work with the right color correction - Jeffrey Jacob).

    Artoo and Threepio watch on.

    C-3POWell that will certainly be a blow.Everyone was really into himalready. They liked him before even met him!

    Artoo chirps and whirs angrily.

    C-3PO (CONT’D)Of course, of course. He was justthe worst. Ever so sorry.

    INT. COCKPIT - CONTINUOUS

    Han whoops and speaks into his Apple Watch.

    HANChewie, you done it again!

    Chewie bleats on V.O.

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    Breathing heavily, Finn continues firing into empty space ina semi-fugue state.

    INT. COCKPIT - CONTINUOUS

    LEIA Should he really just be firinglike that?

    HANLet him have fun. Lando said hegave us all the ammo they had inCloud City.

    LEIA True. Poor Lando.

    HAN

    What happened?

    LEIA The heart attack? When he died acouple hours ago?

    HANOh, yeah. Space-God, I just movedright past that. Been a busy day.I’m sure it’ll hit me later. Ishould probably lie down anyway,process that. My best friend in the whole world -

    Chewie bleats, gesturing at himself.

    HAN (CONT’D)(savage)

    Well it’s true.

    LEIA Maybe I’ll come lie down, too.

    HANOK, I’ll go in the triple bunks,

    you can have the master bunk.LEIA 

    (suggestive)No, I want to lie down with you.

    HAN(Tim Allen grunt)

    Huh?

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    Chewie looks at him, then makes the classic sexualintercourse gesture with his hands or paws or whatever. He’sa wookie so it’s super hilarious.

    HAN (CONT’D)A-ha! Feets don’t fail me now! I do

     want to sleep for a while first,though.

    LEIA Oh, me, too.

    HANCool. Same page. Chewie, stay uphere and keep an eye on our six.

    Chewie bleats, disappointed, and mimes yawning.

    HAN (CONT’D)

    No, someone has to stay up here.I’m expecting a package.

    Chewie bleats and mimes writing a note.

    HAN (CONT’D)Leave a note on the bulkhead? It’sthe fucking cold, silent maw ofouter space. Get a clue.

    (laughing)The brains department called,Chewie, and there’s a recall onyou, because the brain was

     malfunctioning, so I need to shipyou back and get a new onedelivered, speaking of which,seriously, wait for my package.

    Chewie bleats and nods, sad. Han and Leia leave, playing grab-ass and squealing.

    INT. GUN TURRET - CONTINUOUS

    Finn keeps firing wildly, no rhyme or reason to his aim. He

    sobs violently. The camera pushes in slowly but inexorablyfor maybe like five or six minutes until we’re suuuuper closeto his face. A low, industrial rumbling grows on thesoundtrack. At first it’s almost imperceptible, but thecloser we get to Finn’s twisted, agonized face, the more thedin grows, until it’s almost unbearable.

    Long hold.

    STAR WIPE TO:

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    INT. MASTER BUNK - LATER

    Han and Leia are sleeping peacefully. The door slides openand Threepio barges in.

    C-3PO

    Oh! I’m terribly sorry, CaptainSolo, General Skywalker. I was merely seeking a spot to powerdown, if ever so briefly.

    He looks around, suddenly unsure.

    C-3PO (CONT’D)But, I say - what bunk is this?

    HANMaster bunk. You came in here.

    C-3POYes, right. Of course.

    He snaps to attention.

    C-3PO (CONT’D)General Skywalker, if I may ask,how did  you evade the Empire at theBattle of Svardskivengalit?

    LEIA Boy, it was complicated, I tell ya.My first thought was -

    Threepio’s mind has wandered, and he seems draggy, leaning onthe wall.

    HANAre you OK, Threepio?

    Threepio seems to be gasping.

    LEIA Are you...are you short of breath?Is that possible?

    Threepio holds his hand in front of his face, confused.

    HANMaybe you should  power down.

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    C-3POYes. Yes, I suppose so. Before Igo, might I trouble either of youfor three hundred and fiftycredits?

    LEIA Threepio, you know we don’t lend money to friends.

    C-3POSOME FUCKING FRIENDS!

    He rubs at his face, as though his nose is running, andsniffs dramatically.

    LEIA Get some rest, Threepio.

    C-3POYes, of course. Ever so sorry tohave...awakened  you.

    He’s disoriented again, and looks around.

    HANGoodbye, Threepio.

    C-3POHmm? Oh, yes.

    He stumbles out.

    Leia puts a hand on Han’s leg.

    LEIA Well, Captain Solo. Shall we...pickup some power converters, so tospeak?

    She goes in for the kiss, but Han shrinks back.

    HANJust be gentle. It’s my first time.

    LEIA What are you talking about? We havetwo daughters. We’ve been takingthe express train to bone town forthirty years.

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    HANLeia, you don’t understand.Virginity is, truly, less a sexualhistory than an attitude. A man’svirginity isn’t so much aboutphysical experiences as it is about

    the perspective with which hegreets the galaxy. Virginity is theheadspace of children pre-truth.Children have unsophisticated,virginal space-souls. In the space-soul of a child, as in a virgin’s,there is a feeling of beginning, ofnew observation. There’s noimpression of the accustomed, andthere is an innate terror of Space-God. That terror that is thecommencement of judgment. And sothere is in children, as in

    virgins, a certain enigma, a sensethat some things are space-blessed,off-limits, free of influence. Andso virginity is an existence thatis essentially unfinished. You mustabide with an aspiration forcertain understandings that youcan’t fully acquire. Virginity isan existence of suspense,dissatisfaction, craving, yearningfor a moment to come when you’ll beat peace. And that pertains notonly to physicality, but to all of

    one’s existence. And thus, invirginity, there are some spheresof one’s nature which are respectedand space-holy and which are thusventured into solely in a context which fully reveres that space-holiness. For a virgin, there’s adegree of restraint any sphere ofexistence, including  the sensual.Virginity stands in opposition to wantonness of any type. Virginsknow that the space-soul, as space-

    holy as it is, is not to be takenlightly. As a valuable commodity,it can only be gifted with trustand respect. This attitude,virginity, comes innately tochildren.

    (MORE)

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    But it depends on elements that arefound inherently in children, suchas lack of knowledge, inexperience,belief in legend, inborn innocence,and a lack of disapproval andcommon sense. As we age, we

    inevitably sacrifice the lion’sshare of our virginity. In some way, this is essential and wholesome--you wouldn’t want to bean adult with no common sense! Butstill, losing virginity isinessential and destructive. Insome way, losing virginity resultsfrom yielding to haphazardinvolvement, removing from life anexcess of its space-holy elements,of furtively shattering taboos--yes, physical ones--and of allowing

    restlessness and sorrow to push onepast chastity. In some way, thisbefalls each of us--we succumb toan untrue acquaintance withexistence and start to existbeneath illusory comfort. And this--this--is truly losing one’svirginity, existing withunwholesome knowledge of reality,and sex. And thus, all trueaffection dies. The true loss ofvirginity occurs through advancedsorrow, a maturity which, though

    awful, will not accept its true wretchedness. And that’s when youknow you’re in Space-Hell--whenyou’re wretched, but you can’t ownup to it. And that leads to acertain affinity for deviance. AsChesterton so astutely said: “Therecomes an hour in the afternoon whenthe child is tired of pretending; when he is weary of being a robberor a Red Indian. It is then that hetorments the crumb.” And Leia,

    lately, as a galaxy, we love totorment the crumb! And so I askyou: how do we...awaken from thisliving nightmare?

    LEIA Sorry, what the Space-Hell wasthat?

    HAN (CONT'D)

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    HANAs I said, virginity is, in itsdeepest sense, not so much a pastsexual history as -

    LEIA 

    So I get the feeling we aren’tgoing to have sex right now?

    HANNo, let’s do it, let’s take thefreight elevator to screw junction.It’s just...be gentle.

    LEIA Where did you get all this?

    HANSadie’s been sending me some stuff

    to read.

    LEIA You’ve been talking to Sadie without my knowledge?

    HANFor the past few weeks, yeah.

    LEIA Han, that breaks my heart. You mustknow that. Sadie’s my daughter. Weflipped. You got Hanriette, I got

    Sadie. That was our vow.

    HAN(whining)

    But I want both of them to be mydaughter!

    LEIA That’s not how it works. It’s notthe agreement we had with thecounsel of four, and it’s not theagreement we had with each other.

    HAN(grumbling)

    I’m not totally convinced they were a real counsel.

    LEIA At any rate, I would appreciate itif all future correspondence withSadie were routed through me.

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    HANNo. I’m annexing your relationship with her.

    LEIA You can’t do that!

    HANI’m sorry, Leia. You’re an unfit mother. You wear homemadedeodorant, you subscribe to CRAZYconspiracy listserves, and I’veliterally never seen you drink anytype of beverage--not even a sip.

    LEIA I eat soup!

    HAN

    Leia. Please. It’s better this way.

    LEIA So that’s it, huh? It’s just over?Thirty years down the drain?

    HANWell, we were divorced for nine ofthem.

    LEIA Oh Space-God, right. Why did we dothat?

    HANThose were my arsonist years.

    LEIA That’s right, of course. Man, theysay life is short, but brother, itis one long, crazy ride.

    Han affectionately, platonically, throws his arm aroundLeia’s shoulder.

    HANBrother, you can say that again!

    They laugh heartily.

    HAN (CONT’D)So but I’m single then?

    LEIA I guess.

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    HAN(nodding)

    Nice. Nice.

    He sucks his teeth thoughtfully. The sound of Finn firing isstill audible.

    HAN (CONT’D)I guess I should go check on thatkid. He really seems to be goingthrough something.

    LEIA Sure. I think I’ll just lay down alittle while longer.

    HANOK. I was thinking about throwingthese sheets in the wash, though.

    LEIA Oh, OK. I’ll go in the triple bunk.

    HANWorks for me.

    Leia heads to the door, then turns back.

    LEIA See ya...buddy.

    HAN

    Later...pal.

    They grin, wink in unison, and she goes.

    STAR WIPE TO:

    INT. CORRIDOR - LATER

    Han walks down the corridor, the bundle of sheets in hisarms. He whistles “The Star Wars Song” by John Williams (Memoto everyone: this is gonna be a BIG MOMENT, everyone’s gonna

    be laughing, then cheering, maybe crying a little, totallyfreaking out, so we should give a good long time for them tocalm down. Two or three minutes should be fine. - Yourboss/best friend, Jeffrey Jacob).

    Chewie comes down the corridor from the other end.

    HANHey Chewie. My package come?

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    Chewie bleats, acting out something complicated.

    HAN (CONT’D)Fuck, the busted doorbell. Ofcourse. Well, did they at leastleave one of those sticky door tab

    things so I can go pick it up atthe distribution center?

    Chewie bleats, acting out something else.

    HAN (CONT’D)What? What space-holiday?

    Chewie shrugs.

    HAN (CONT’D)Fucking fucking fucking fuck.

    Enter Kylo Ren and Poe. Kylo Ren is blind. Poe burdened asbefore. Rope as before, but much shorter, so that Kylo Ren may follow more easily. Poe wearing a different hat. At thesight of Han and Chewie he stops short. Kylo Ren, continuingon his way, bumps into him.

    HAN (CONT’D)Chewie!

    KYLO REN(clutching onto Poe, whostaggers)

    What is it? Who is it?

    Poe falls, drops everything and brings down Kylo Ren withhim. They lie helpless among the scattered baggage. Kylo Ren writhes, groans, beats the ground with his fists.

    Chewie bleats.

    HANYou mean we have him at our mercy?

    Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)And that we should subordinate ourgood offices to certain conditions?

    Chewie bleats.

    HAN (CONT’D)That seems intelligent all right.But there's one thing I'm afraidof.

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    KYLO RENHelp!

    HANThat Poe might get going all of asudden. Then we'd be ballocksed.

    (gestures towards Poe)For the moment he is inert. But he might run amuck any minute.

    KYLO RENHelp! I’ll pay you! One hundredcredits!

    Han tries to pull Kylo Ren to his feet, fails, tries again,stumbles, falls, tries to get up, fails.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)What happened?

    HANWill you stop it, you! Pest! He canthink of nothing but himself!

    KYLO RENPity! Pity!

    Chewie bleats.

    HANIt’s this bastard Kylo Ren at itagain.

    Chewie bleats. They pull Kylo Ren up again. Kylo Ren sagsbetween them, his arms round their necks.

    KYLO RENWho are you?

    HANDo you not recognize us?

    KYLO RENI am blind.

    Silence.

    Chewie bleats.

    HANSince when?

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    KYLO RENI used to have wonderful sight. Youare not highwaymen?

    Chewie bleats.

    HANSpace-Goddamn it, can’t you see the man is blind?

    Chewie bleats.

    KYLO REN(anguished)

    Is it evening?

    Chewie bleats to Han, pointing.

    HAN

    Don’t be a fool. It’s the west overthere.

    Chewie bleats.

    KYLO RENWhy don’t you answer me?

    HAN(reassuring)

    It's evening, Sir, it's evening,night is drawing nigh. My friendhere would have me doubt it and I

     must confess he shook me for a moment. But it is not for nothing Ihave lived through this long dayand I can assure you it is verynear the end of its repertory.

    (beat)You were saying your sight used tobe good, if I heard you right.

    KYLO RENWonderful! Wonderful, wonderfulsight!

    HANAnd it came on you all of a sudden?

    KYLO RENI woke up one fine day as blind asFortune.

    (beat)Sometimes I wonder if I'm not stillasleep.

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    HANAnd when was that?

    KYLO RENI don’t know.

    HANBut no later than yesterday -

    KYLO REN(violently)

    Don't question me! The blind haveno notion of time. The things oftime are hidden from them too.

    HANWell just fancy that! I could havesworn it was just the opposite.

    Chewie bleats.

    KYLO RENWhere is my menial?

    HANHe's about somewhere.

    KYLO RENWhy doesn't he answer when I call?

    HANI don't know. He seems to be

    sleeping. Perhaps he's dead.

    KYLO RENWhat happened, exactly?

    Chewie bleats.

    HANThe two of you slipped.

    (beat)And fell.

    KYLO RENGo and see is he hurt.

    HANWe can't leave you.

    KYLO RENYou needn’t both go.

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    HAN(to Chewie)

    You go.

    Chewie bleats.

    KYLO RENYes yes, let your friend go, hestinks so.

    (beat)What is he waiting for?

    HANWhat are you waiting for?

    Chewie bleats.

    Beat.

    HAN (CONT’D)What exactly should he do?

    KYLO RENWell to begin with he should pullon the rope, as hard as he likes solong as he doesn't strangle him. Heusually responds to that. If not heshould give him a taste of hisboot, in the face and the privatesas far as possible.

    HAN

    (to Chewie)You see, you've nothing to beafraid of.

    Chewie goes to Poe and bends over him. With sudden furyChewie starts kicking Poe, hurling enraged bleats at him ashe does so. But he hurts his foot and moves away, limping andbleating. Poe stirs.

    Chewie bleats, sits down, and tends to his foot. But he soondesists and disposes himself for sleep, his arms on his kneesand his head on his arms.

    KYLO RENWhat’s gone wrong now?

    HANMy friend has hurt himself.

    KYLO RENAnd Poe?

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    HANSo it is he?

    KYLO RENI don’t understand.

    HANAnd you are Kylo Ren?

    KYLO RENCertainly I am Kylo Ren.

    HANThe same as yesterday?

    KYLO RENYesterday?

    HAN

    We met yesterday.(beat)

    Do you not remember?

    KYLO RENI don't remember having met anyoneyesterday. But tomorrow I won'tremember having met anyone today.So don't count on me to enlightenyou.

    HANBut -

    KYLO RENEnough! Up, pig!

    Poe gets up, gathers up his burdens.

    HANWhere do you go from here?

    KYLO RENOn.

    Poe, laden down, takes his place before Kylo Ren.KYLO REN (CONT’D)

    Lightsaber!

    Poe puts everything down, looks for badass crossguardlightsaber, finds it, puts it into Kylo Ren’s hand, takes upeverything again.

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    KYLO REN (CONT’D)Rope!

    Poe puts everything down, puts end of rope into Kylo Ren’shand, takes up everything again.

    HANWhat is there in the bag?

    KYLO RENSand.

    He jerks the rope.

    KYLO REN (CONT’D)On!

    HANDon’t go yet.

    KYLO RENI’m going.

    HANBefore you go, tell him to sing.

    KYLO RENBut he is dumb.

    HANDumb!

    KYLO RENDumb. He can’t even groan.

    HANDumb! Since when?

    KYLO REN(suddenly furious)

    Have you not done tormenting me with your accursed time! It'sabominable! When! When! One day, isthat not enough for you, one day he

     went dumb, one day I went blind,one day we'll go deaf, one day we were born, one day we shall die,the same day, the same second, isthat not enough for you?

    (calmer)They give birth astride of a grave,the light gleams an instant, thenit's night once more.

    (MORE)

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    (jerking rope)On!

    Exeunt Kylo Ren and Poe. Han follows them to the airlock,looks after them. Silence. Han goes towards Chewie,contemplates him a moment, then shakes him awake.

    Chewie bleats.

    HANI felt lonely.

    STAR WIPE TO:

    SAME - CONTINUOUS

    Chewie and Han are in the same position. Leia walks by.

    HANHey.

    LEIA Hi.

    HANHow’s it going?

    LEIA Good. Really good.

    HAN

    Good. Me, too.

    LEIA Good. I’m glad. It’s good to seeyou.

    HANYeah, you, too. Let’s catch up sometime.

    LEIA Sounds like a plizzan.

    She blushes, embarrassed by what she said. So lame!

    LEIA (CONT’D)Look, I’m gonna go lie down. I’llgo in the triple bunk. I know youneed space.

    KYLO REN (CONT'D)

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    HANActually, both triple bunks areavailable, now.

    LEIA Oh, great.

    HANBut Leia--take the master bunk. I mean it. I don’t want anything tobe weird between us.

    LEIA Sounds top-notch, cap’n!

    She winces again. What is going on with her? She turns to go.

    HANAnd Leia.

    She turns back.

    HAN (CONT’D)I still love you.

    LEIA I know.

    Han points at her, delighted. She points back.

    HANEyyyyyy!

    LEIA Ahhhhhhh!

    They have a good, good laugh.

    LEIA (CONT’D)But seriously, naptime.

    HANNeat-o.

    Suddenly, there’s tremendous, ominous music (Memo to JohnWilliams: I still like the orchestral covers thing, but let’sdo public domain on this one, go easy on the budget--couldyou make Scott Joplin’s ‘The Entertainer’ sound super badass?Thx ;-) - Jeffrey Jacob)

    The bulkhead door is wrested open by Captain Phasma, who hasRey by the arm.

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    REYOh boy! Look who it is! She’s back!Did you enjoy my adventures?

    HANWhat adventures? We’ve been here

    the whole time.

    REYYou didn’t hear anything  about whatI was doing?

    HANNope.

    Phasma shoves Rey back into the Falcon. Hux steps up behindher.

    GENERAL HUX

    Just take her.

    HANWe’re not giving you the plans, ifthat’s -

    GENERAL HUXOh Space-God, I don’t even careabout those. Just take her back. Wedon’t want her.

    LEIA Whatever you think you’re playing

    at -

    CAPTAIN PHASMA We’re not playing at anything.She’s a nightmare of a person andshe’s your problem now.

    HANYou can’t have -

    GENERAL HUXSeriously, I get it, we’re not in

    the power position in thisnegotiation anymore. You get thegirl, we’re back where we started,let’s all just rest up and we’llstart over tomorrow.

    Finn appears in the corridor, lightsaber poised for combat.

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    FINNNot if I have anything to say aboutit!

    He runs towards Hux, bellowing. Hux produces his ownlightsaber and holds it vertical. Finn runs at him and

    presses his blade into Hux’s, horizontal, and it’s allhisssssss. Hux pushes Finn back, and Finn reels.

    Phasma takes out her own lightsaber (some really cool color--beige?) and holds it vertical. Finn runs into it with hishorizontal lightstaber and presses the blades together andit’s like hisssssss.

    HANI got your six, Finn!

    He whips out a lightsaber (how about black? That’s fun,different) and runs at Hux, who holds his lightsaber

    vertical. Han presses his blade against it horizontal andit’s like hisssssss. Han shoves Hux back, and Hux reels.

    Han turns to Leia, cocky, but Hux is raising his lightsaberagain.

    LEIA Han! Look out!

    She takes out her own lightsaber and runs at Hux, who holdshis blade vertically. Leia presses her blade against hishorizontally and it’s all hissssssss.

    Finn is still pressing his blade against Phasma’s likehisssssss and he shoves her back super hard. She’s like wo-o-o-o-ah.

    REYNice one, Finn!

    FINNHow do I know they didn’t brainwashyou?

    GENERAL HUX

    We tried. Her mind is almost scarystrong. I’ve never seen anythinglike it. She almost brainwashed us,and she wasn’t even trying.

    FINNWe’ll see about that!

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    He runs at her with his lightsaber vertical, but she takesone out and holds it up horizontal and they press themtogether like hisssssss.

    REYI don’t want to fight you, Finn!

    You’re my brother!

    FINNReally?

    REYI don’t know, I was trying it out.I’d have to try pretty hard to makeit work.

    Finn nods. They press their lightsabers against each other sohard like hissssss.

    Phasma comes up to Han, her lightsaber vertical. He presseshis against hers, horizontal, and--you guessed it!--hisssss.

    Artoo and Threepio start lightsaber battling for fun because why not.

    Everyone presses their blades against each other’s real hardlike hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, except Chewie, who justsort of watches, and then Han shoves and Leia shoves and Reyshoves and Hux, Phasma, and Finn go reeling.

    GENERAL HUXThat was the battle of a lifetime,

    you rogues. But we’ll win the war.Phasma! To the transport!

    He and Phasma go to the airlock. Hux turns back.

    GENERAL HUX (CONT’D)But seriously, can we get thoseplans?

    LEIA Nah.

    GENERAL HUXOK, fair enough. Had to try, right?

    HANI respect that.

    Hux tips his hat (oh right, he’s wearing a Florida Marlinscap memo to costumes get a florida marlins hat jeffrey jacoband Hux and Phasma leave.

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    Beat. Everyone pants.

    REYBoy  do I have a lot to catch youall up on! Such a whirlwindadventure! They could make a whole

     movie out of -

    HANAnybody need a rest after all thataction?

    Everyone agrees enthusiastically, except Rey.

    HAN (CONT’D)OK, just spitballing here, but:Chewie, rest in the cockpit, duh -

    Chewie bleats, disappointed--he wanted the master bunk.

    HAN (CONT’D)Finn, Rey, Leia, you take the onetriple bunk--you guys were goodroomies earlier, yeah?

    Finn and Rey glance at each other, shrug, and nod. Leia goesto Han and whispers.

    HAN (CONT’D)OK, change of plan, I’m with Finnand Rey. Leia, you take the othertriple bunk, and do you mind

    sharing with the droids?

    LEIA Fine.

    Threepio and Artoo hi-five--we’ll figure out how Artoo hi-fives, which is important because he’ll be doing a lot of it,let me tell you. (Memo to costumes do they make FloridaMarlins hats in droid size? A backwards hat would lookdopedopedope on Artoo - Jeffrey Jacob)

    REY

    Hey, where’s BB-8?Everyone looks around comically.

    HANIs he not around? I saw himearlier.

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    HANHey, kid.

    Rey looks up, pleased to be acknowledged.

    HAN (CONT’D)

    I heard all that stuff you beensaying, about looking forward tofinding out who you are.

    REYOh, yes! I sure am!

    HANWell...I know the truth. All of it.

    Rey gasps, covers her mouth, and squeals, kicking her feet.

    REY

    Here we go!

    HANWell, as you may know, Jakku is myhome planet.

    REYSure, sure.

    HANAnd I happen to have my mouth tothe pulse of a lot of what goes onthere. Have you ever heard of

    Ultimate Superior Squib?

    REYOf course!

    HANAnd you know the story of his missing daughter, who disappeared when she was a baby -

    REYOh my Space-God! Oh my  Space-God!

    HANRight, so when his daughter went missing, he considered adoptinganother. He looked at literallybillions of young girls across thegalaxy. And you, Rey...

    Rey is holding her breath, freaking out.

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    HAN (CONT’D)He didn’t like you so much. So you went home with your parents.

    REYWait--I had  parents, but they were

    putting me up for adoption?

    HANSure, yeah. You can see where they were coming from.

    REYI guess...

    HANAnyway, I happened to know yourfather, Rey. He was the greatesttax attorney in a dozen kilometers.

    REYOK. Not all that big anaccomplishment, but -

    HANAnd your mother, Rey. Your mother.She was so beautiful that when she walked down the street, men used tolook at her and say to theirfriends, “You see that girl? She’snot bad.” And their friends mightsay, “Her? I guess, sort of. Not

    really my type.” But to the men whoshe was their type? Rey, theythought she was pretty goodlooking . Like they’d maybe see a more beautiful woman later, maybeseveral if they were out all day,but if they went home right after,they might have your mother in mindfor a minute or two. She was that beautiful. Well, beautiful might betoo strong a word -

    REYBut why did I never know them?

    HANWell, Rey, you’ve heard of theBattle of Svardskivengalit -

    REYOf course!

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    HANThe minute the stars war started,your father had no choice -

    Rey is getting excited again.

    HAN (CONT’D)- but to eat a box of wompratpoison. He was like super  scared offighting. He was dead seven weeksbefore anyone found him.

    REYAnd my mother?

    HANI heard she worked at a post officeon Hoth for a while but then sheburned her mouth so bad on a cup of

    decaf coffee that, well...there wasnothing they could do.

    REYAnd that’s why I was raised in anorphanage...

    HANWell sure, once they found you. You were feral for two years. Lived inthe desert with that droid. Youthought you were a droid. When theyfound you, all you did was beep and

    roll around. You were diseased, youhad pinkeye like whoa. It took themyears to habituate you to humansociety.

    REYOh. Yeah, I guess that adds up.

    HANAnyway--you wanted to know, now youknow. That’s the story of Rey!

    REYUh-huh. I guess I can work withthat. Integrate it into the oldself-image.

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    HANWell, if you ever want to talk, youcan always scream your feelingsinto a paper bag, write “Listen to my feelings” on it with a marker,and we’ll toss it out the window.

    See if anyone picks it up. I mean,you’ll never know if they did, butjust thinking they might haveshould make you feel better.

    REYThat does sound good. Thanks, Han.

    HANNot a problem.

    He flicks off the light. Sounds of them settling down.

    REYHan?

    HANYeah?

    REYAre you sure I’m not your long-lostdaughter?

    HANVery, very sure.

    REYOK. I might ask you a few moretimes. It’s a hard habit to break.

    HANI understand. Get some sleep, kid.

    Quiet, shifting. The door slides open and Finn comes in,stumbling, banging his knee.

    FINNAh, shit. I gotta turn on the

    light.He does, and Rey and Han shield their eyes, complaining.

    STAR WIPE TO:

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    INT. COCKPIT - CONTINUOUS

    Chewie shifts in the chair, can’t get comfortable. He takes alook at the monitors, presses a button, and sees that the master bunk is unoccupied. He throws up his arms, bleats likeWhat the fuck?, and goes.

    STAR WIPE TO:

    EXT. AIRLOCK - LATER

    The airlock hisses open and who should be standing there butSUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKIS, an imposing Andy Serkis type withscary gray facial hair, and oh my god you guys aren’t evengoing to believe who’s with him that’s right it’s LUKESKYWALKER!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Supreme Leader Andy Serkis steps in. Luke follows. Luke is

    anxious and shifty, looking haggard. Long matted hair, longfingernails, long dirty beard.

    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISMust be quite something, beingback.

    LUKE(too enthusiastic)

    Yes! Yes, is it!

    Supreme Leader Andy Serkis smirks.

    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISWell, then. Shall we get on withit?

    LUKEYes! Yes, we shall!

    Leia comes out of her bunk, rubbing her eyes. The droidsfollow behind. They all stop cold when they see Luke.

    LEIA Luke!

    (going to him)Luke, where have you been all theseyears?

    LUKEYes!

    Leia embraces him.

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    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISAh, how touching. You warm mycockles.

    LEIA Luke, where have you been?

    LUKEI’ve been such a good boy! With allthe good people!

    LEIA Luke, you don’t seem like yourself.

    LUKEGotta build another! Gotta blow itup!

    LEIA 

    (to Supreme Leader AndySerkis)

    What have you done to him, you monster?

    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISNot a thing, my dear.

    LUKEGotta build another! Blow it up andthen another and then blow it up!

    He laughs.

    LEIA What is he talking about?

    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISWell, my dear, your dear brotherhas been dealing with what one might call...

    (sinister)Post-traumatic stress disorder.

    LEIA 

    (gasp)No! What did you do to him?

    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISMore to the point--what did you do?Your brother was not remotelyprepared to cause the level ofdestruction and loss of life thathe wreaked when he destroyed theDeath Star.

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    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISAs you can see, the trauma isintense. He feels he has nocontrol, and no support.

    LUKE

    I hardly sleep at all! I’m thirsty!

    LEIA This bastard keeps making Lukebuild space stations.

    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKIS(sinister)

    That’s where you’re wrong, my dear. Your brother masterminds theseoperations entirely on his own.It’s his great passion in life.

    LUKEI love it!

    He giggles and weeps.

    LEIA (lightbulb)

    Wait a minute...are you trying tosay Luke had something to do withthe new Starkiller Base?

    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISAh, the second Starkiller Base.

    Your beloved brother’s greatestcreation yet.

    HANLuke, no!

    LUKEDo you guys have anything to drink?Oh, maybe a cocktail? Cocktail begood.

    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKIS

    And that’s why I’m afraid...(sinister)I can’t allow you to destroy thesecond Starkiller Base.

    LEIA You monster! That base could wreakuntold mayhem!

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    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISThat’s the idea. But, moreimportantly, a large part of yourbrother’s disorder lies indestroying the space stations hebuilds. It’s a compulsion. We’ve

     worked for several years on acomplex cognitive behavioraltherapy program.

    HANYou bastard! You’ll never win!

    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISJust - just listen for a sec, OK?I’m talking. Where was I? Right,complex cognitive behavioraltherapy program. We’ve identifiedthe behavior, we’ve

    reconceptualized -

    LUKEA cocktail for the thirsty man!Cocktails all around!

    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISYes, Luke. In a moment.

    (to Han and Leia)At any rate, we’ve worked onrelevant coping strategies,consolidated those skills, we’vetrained, and now--the most

    important step. We must...(sinister)

    Not blow up the second StarkillerBase!

    HANYou bastard! You’ll never win!

    SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKISLuke must witness a space stationnot getting blown up. It’s the only way to break him of his destructive