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EMILY DEAN

PRESIDENT ELECTSTUDENTS UNIoN ELECTIoN RESULTS ANNoUNCED

March 2010 > Issue 5

PASSIoN PIToUR ARTIST oF THE MoNTH REvIEwED

TREvoR NELSoN

EXCLUSIvETHE SQUIRREL TALkS wITHRADIo 1S SMooTHEST DJ

EXHIBITIoN

SPECIALwE vISIT Two oF THE BIggESTSHowS AT THE UNIvERSITY

Northamptons New Look Student Magazine

Published by the University of Northampton Students U nion


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March 2010Issue 5

Hello everyone, over the last few months we have been working extremely hard tomake some changes to The Squirrel. Fresh from our relaunch night held in January we

present to you the new look Squirrel magazine. I would like to thank all contributorsto this edition. We have a selection of photos from the event below. Hope you enjoy.

Sibonile Mathe - Editor

SECONDCHILDH

OOD

LAUNCHParty

EDITORIAL > [email protected]

EDITOR In ChIEf Sibonile [email protected]

Sub-ED/DESIgn Darran [email protected]

ADDITIOnAL DESIgn Marvin MuDzonGo [email protected]

nEwS DaviD [email protected]

EnTERTAInmEnTneena [email protected]

CuLTuRE & STyLE lorena chi n-a-FoenG [email protected]

SPORTS Mitch SayerS [email protected]

Formorephotosb

ecomeafan

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irrelmagazine

The Squirrel is a publication of the

University of Northampton Students Union.

www.northamptonunion.comTo advertise in The Squirrel email [email protected]


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news goT A SToRY?E-MAIL [email protected]

gENERAL ELECTIoN CANDIDATES To BEgRILLED AT UNIvERSITY QUESTIoN TIME

While the date of the upcoming GeneralElection is still not known to anyone other

than perhaps the Prime Minister and hisclosest allies, the campaigns for partiesand candidates who seek to control thenext parliament are well under way.

Later this month the Universitys Debat-ing Society (UNDS) will be holding theirsecond major Question Time event, andit will be their biggest yet, as the Societyexpects candidates for the upcomingGeneral Election to appear on the panel.Candidates running for the NorthamptonNorth seat including the existing MP SallyKeeble (Labour), and candidates MichaelEllis (Conservative), Andrew Simpson (LibDem) and Tony Lochmuller (Green) havesaid they will be taking part, along withanother candidate yet to be conrmed.

Topics to be discussed are expected tovary widely, but will include issues ofimportance to students at the University.

The event is to be held on the evening ofThursday March 18th, in HLT 1, Holdenby,Park Campus with a reception to be held inHLT3 afterwards.

The Debating Society previous Ques-tion Time event proved popular, allowing

students and guests to question a panel ona variety of news worthy topics last year.

For more information on the QuestionTime, or to watch the video of the previousevent, visit the Debating Societys website:unds.org.uk

By Darran Gange

The Debating Societys Previous Question Time EventContributed

By John Boden & David Hannant

ELECTIoN wINNERS CELEBRATEFebruary 26th struck a historic noteas Emily Dean became the rst femaleStudents Union President to be electedsince the University was accredited in2005, defeating Colm Bannon in a heavilycontested election.

In what was described as an electionnot short of hiccups by current Presi-dent Eamon Lindsell, it was Dean whoemerged victorious, accumulating over500 votes.

Following the announcement of hervictory, Dean was visibly shaken by thewhole experience.

Im denitely excited, she explained.When the handover happens, I really

want to make sure everything I promisedpeople in my manifesto gets introducedstraight away.

The victory followed a series of contro-versies, which saw allegations of mani-festo-copying directed at the President-elects opponent, however Dean had onlypositive things to say about her adversary.

He was a really great opponent, sheenthused. I wouldnt want to have runagainst anyone else, weve got on really

well, all through the campaigning. He wasbrilliant

After delivering the announcement, theman whose shoes Emily will be steppinginto, Eamon Lindsell spoke highly of hissuccessor, and her prospects for the com-ing academic year.

Emily has done an excellent job as RAGOfcer this year, he explained. Obvi-ously, stepping up to President is a bigrole, but she performed well during the

debates. I do think she still has somework to do before she steps into the role,but she has great potential and I denite-ly think shes up to the task.

Meanwhile, Abdi Kater retained hisposition of Vice President for Educationand Welfare, in a landslide. However aTeam D.N.A. white-wash was not possibleon the night, as further controversy inter-fered in the election, affecting the race forthe position of Vice President for StudentDevelopment.

Due to irregularities in the voting pat-terns -which saw more votes cast than

number of students registered to doso- the victor in this race could not beconrmed on the night.

Inderjeet Nagra, current holder of theposition, who was also aiming to retain

his position, was relatively diplomatic inthe face of this controversy.

Im quite shocked, he explained, butin democracy, these things happen. Hope-

fully well nd out whats going on soon.Nonetheless, one thing remains certain,

that come September there will be a newname on the Presidents ofce, and thisname is that of the jubilant Emily Dean.

Im really pleased, she said. Im really

grateful. I appreciate everyones vote, andI just want to make everyone proud.

Emily Dean was elected President of the Students Union by over 500 votesPhoto by Darran Gange


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It has been a long time since anybody whopicked up a newspaper was able to read

through it without learning about onething or another regarding a politician andsomething bad they have done. Bad newssells papers but does this mean we evergoing to trust our members of parliament?

Leslie Benson, a lecturer in Politics andLaw at our University believes that it isimpossible to see parliamentary gures ina, good and positive way. He said, Politi-cians have never been trusted. Even beforethe expenses scandal they ranked close toestate agents in terms of how much peopletrusted them.For weeks there were stories circulating

about how MPs were bending the rulesregarding second home expenses. FormerHome Secretary Jacqui Smith was madeto apologise publicly after she was foundto have breached the rules regarding theownership of second homes. This story

was picked up by the national press andsoon entered the public domain, onceagain thrusting the expenses scandal intothe limelight.

Politicians sell copies, Benson said,Each time something relating to expensesis uncovered it will be splashed all overthe front pages. This is a problem that will

not go away.Even in local politics there is scandal.

Northampton Borough Council leader,Tony Woods came under re af ter allega-tions were made against him. Astragate

as the case has been dubbed revolvesaround allegations that Councillor Woodsleft his untaxed Vauxhall in the Guildhallstown centre car park. The car had beenleft there for four months, despite repeat-ed calls for him to remove the 12-year-old

vehicle. This led to claims that the councilleader abused his position by parking hiscar for free, in the town centre, for so long.The press people are like Piranhas.

Benson said, If you are a politician or arespected member of a council and youstep out of line, even a little bit, then thepress will rip you to shreds.

With allegations and claims being made

against the majority of politicians are we,as students, likely to trust our MPs?Victoria Moor, a BA Acting second year

student argues that it is unlikely, I donttrust any of them. All I read is that theyare doing this and that wrong.Voting for any MP shows that you trustthat particular member of parliament todo the best he or she can for you and theconstituency in which you live. With theconstant stream of negative press sur-rounding each politician now though thepublic is growing wary of its once trustedand respected MPs. With this there has

been a backlash, a rise in votes for minor-ity parties, most notably the BNP.Timothy Lawson who resides in Leices-

ter said, I changed my vote. The currentgovernment cannot be trusted with my

vote and certainly not with the money Ipay in taxes.

Sally Keeble, MP for Northampton Northresponded by saying, Being an MP meansthat you are in a position of trust, in rela-tion to a large number of people who relyon you, or who look to you to representthem to government. In terms of do peopletrust me - the dozens of people who cometo my advice surgeries week in and outmust trust me. As for those who dont -

you would have to ask them why not.

CAN wE TRUST oUR PoLITICIANS?

CHARITY wATCH: BRAIN TUMoUR UkBrain Tumour UK is a very importantcharity that does a lot of work to raiseawareness of brain tumours in the UK.Many of us have never really thought

about brain tumours let alone the workcarried out by this charity. One studentwho understands their plight is AliceHeavyside second year English and Crea-tive writing student, whom I met up withrecently to talk about her involvement

with the charity.Brain Tumour UK do important work inraising funds to help nd treatments, how-ever as Alice pointed out it is difcult tocure this type of cancer. The charity also

work with families by proving supportthey support families to help them deal

with whats happened and cope with it.

Compared to other charities such asBreast Cancer UK and The British Heartfoundation, Brain Tumour UK is less wellknown I wanted to establish the reason

behind this. There are a number of factorsbut what motivated Alice to get involved

with the charity was the diagnosis ofher brother. She went on to explain it isstrange the rst thing that came to mind

when we found out my brother had a braintumour was death. He was diagnosed in

August 2008 and seven months later hedied on the 3rd of March last year. Aliceis adamant that its important to raiseawareness about brain tumours becausethey are more common than peoplethink. 20 percent of cancer sufferers get

a secondary tumour which is quite a highpercentage.Alices family have put on a number ofevents in her home town of Barrow-in-Furness to raise money for Brain TumourUK but being at university she has not

been able to help out or take part. I want-

ed to do something myself as well to helpme cope with my brother and to help otherpeople really, going through the samething. Having initially decided to do asponsored swim Alice has had to postponethis due an ankle injury, however she hascome up with some other ideas such as asponsored fast for 48 hours or a sponsoredsilence which Alice admits Its going to behard for me.Alice currently has a Facebook group with160 members promoting Brain TumourUK and promotes donations through useof her JustGiving site. The money donatedgoes straight to Brain Tumour UK anddoes not go through any other party.March is brain tumour awareness month,and there are a number of events includingsponsored sky dives to be held later thismonth, more information on these can befound at braintumouruk.org.uk

To make a donation visitjustgiving.co.uk/aliceheavyside

The Squirrel would like to wishAlice the best of luck with her fund-raising for a truly worthy cause.

By Tom Bedford

By Sibonile Mathe

news

Sally Keeble is the MP for Northampton NorthContributed


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culture & styleExhibition: Separation Anxiety

Until the 5th of March the University ofNorthamptons Avenue Gallery is playinghost to a new, fresh exhibition of work byMichael Evans, Senior Lecturer in Paint-ing.The exhibition provides the rst opportu-nity for the public to view a series of paint-ings which the artist has created as partof his research towards a practice-basedPhD, with which he is investigating ques-tions relating to the imaginative creationof form in abstract painting.

In this collection - 12 paintings of oiland acrylic on canvas - Mr Evans tries totake the concept of abstract art back toits earlier origins, ignoring the tired andrepetitive trends that modern abstractart has fallen into, rejecting both empti-ness and simplistic materiality. Instead hefocuses on form, and how the imaginationoften denes a form and characteristicthat doesnt actually exist.Often form is evasive, and what mayinitially appear solid can subsequently be

seen as space. At least, thats what many

of Mr Evans painting manage to achieve;from a distance, the mind can form clear,almost denable shapes. But upon closerinspection such shapes are blurred andmisguided, where there was once form,there is now space.

Whilst most contemporary abstract artoften appears random, with no connectionto the outside, Mr Evans uses the collec-tion to explore how, and indeed why, theimagination itself can dene a meaningfor its audience rather than impose asingle meaning which is forced upon itsaudience. Through the ambiguous nature

of the collection the artist hopes to achievea desire for an openness which remainsfree from the deadening weight of a xedreading, instead ensuring his piecesopens on to multiple, shifting and uncer-tain interpretations.Unlike most contemporary abstract art,the collection has been produced in newcombination of technology and art; ap-parent abstract art is passed through theimaging software of a computer in order todene some form or reality, and Mr Evans

creates the new nal paintings from theconcept shown within these digital im-ages. An unusual event, where a computerhas been seen even only arbitrary toreplace the needs of a human imagination.

Where once the unconscious transcen-dental spiritual or sublime may have beencited as inspiration for the creation ofpaintings, with the human imaginationonce seen as an extension of the divine.

By Stephen Frost

The Paintings have multiple, shifting and

uncertain interpetations

Fashions [Re]fashioned for uni showFierce fashion with a new functionwas the theme of the [Re]Fashionshow that took place at Avenuecampus late last month.

The sell-out production was created aspart of a programme for National Stu-dent Volunteering week and took placeat 7pm in Isham Studios on Wednesday,February 24th to an audience of over one

hundred people.The concept for the project was to re-use

second hand clothing and fabrics in orderto create new fashion and encourage peo-ple to consider Charity Shops more often.The brainchild of the Centre for Commu-nity Volunteering team, it was inspired bythe 2009 television programme, Mary,Queen of Charity Shops.

The show included work from twenty-four rst-year fashion students, usingmaterials donated by the University s veselected charities- Age concern, Oxfam,Save the children, Friends of North-

ampton General Hospital and Friends ofCynthia Spencer Hospice- which is alsothe Universitys Charity of the year.

The evening showcased an array ofvisionary fashion from recycled materials,incorporated catwalk, auction and shop-ping elements.

I spoke to Amelia Chalmers, one ofthe designers, shortly before the showcommenced to ask how her designs wereinspired. My inspiration was myself,she explained. We were asked to think ofthree words that described ourselves anduse them as the impetus. My words werefeminine, eclectic and historical.

Amelia, who studied Fine Art for 6 yearsbefore enrolling on the BA (Hons) Fashioncourse is one of the many volunteers who

took part in the campaign to make the[Re]Fashion show a reality. Students fromFashion, Drama, Retail and Fashion Mar-keting, Journalism, Events Management,and Photography worked collectively withthe Centre for Community Volunteering toheighten awareness of recycling as well asraise money for the elected charities.

The Vice Chancellor, Ann Tate, waspleased to see the extent of the collabora-tion across student disciplines.

Staff at the University, have been sup-porting the Donate Dont Dump appeal

which ran alongside the build up to the

fashion show, by giving generously to thedesigner clothing collection. The items

were sold in the auction on the eveningand with early estimates indicating pro-ceeds of around 1200 have been raisedfor the 5 charities, it has been a resound-ing success for all involved.

Models show off the new creationsPhoto by Zoe Plummer

By Rachael Preedy


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ENTERTAINMENT

6

THEADMIRAL

SIBoNILE MATHE TALkSwITH TREvoR NELSoN

entertainment


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In early February, Fever nightclubsWicked Wednesdays hosted RadioOne DJ Trevor Nelson. The Squirrelsecured an exclusive interview withthe man himself.

Trevor arrived at around 1:30am tohuge applause from the raving crowd.With the grace of a true professional,he took over from DJ Beat-man andwent on to perform an electrifying set,with a potent mixture of RnB, FunkyHouse, and old-skool Hip-Hop. At3am, after it was all over; I nallygot the chance sit down with Trevor.I was curious to nd out just whatmakes the 45-year-old DJ tick, andin a small side room surrounded bystacks of empty boxes, with two small

stools in the middle, I was given mychance.

Trevors MTV show, The Lick, wasone of the rst urban music showson television. I was curious to ndout whether he would ever considerbringing it back.

I did it for 11 years, said Trevor. Itwent all over the world and it wasgreat for me. I did so many parties.I think TV has changed; I did it at a

good time. YouTube is now the thing.However, Trevor felt for us studentsthose who were too young for theshows rst time round- claiming hewas gutted for all students whomissed it.

On the show, Trevor Nelson wasrenowned for the in depth interviewshe conducted with so many stars,including Beyonc, Jay Z and SamuelL Jackson (to name just a few.) Surelyhe must have had a favourite.

Lauren Hill, because I love her.he said laughing, before taking on amore serious tone.

To be honest I get on well with mostof them, he recalled. The reasonbeing that when they rst got to theUK no one wanted to interview themmuch on telly.

Trevor illustrates the importance TheLick played in the urban music sceneand he was keen to share the secret

behind those great interviews.

They respect you for supportingthem talking about the music andnot the scandal. I didnt really have afavourite, I wouldnt really interviewsomeone I didnt like or whose musicI didnt like.

Trevor is considered by some to beone of the pioneers of the UK urbanscene, and so I was interested to learnwhat his thoughts were on currenturban music.

I think its been the best time inhistory for British urban artists,he said enthusiastically. Wevehad seven number-one artistsfrom our genre alone, and thats

amazing. Every level, underground tocommercial, its very healthy.

Epitomised by her awards at lastmonths Brit Awards, 2009 wasundoubtedly Lady Gagas year. Iwas eager to nd out whom Trevorthought 2010 would belong to.

Tinie Tempah is an example, heclaimed. Weve been following hima long time. We put him on in Bristoland he has got the right attitude tomake it.

Drake is another one to look out forhe added.

Trevor Nelson has reached a levelof success in the music business orthe industry, that many of us canonly dream of. Having hosted whathe claims to be the longest runningshow on MTV, presented a daily sloton BBC 1xtra, and a Saturday nightshow on BBC Radio One. He also hasthe accolade of being known as themaestro of UK urban music. I wantedto know if he had any tips for anyonetrying to break into industry as a DJ.

Youve got to love music rst andforemost or else you will get foundout, he claimed. The second thing Iwould say, try and do it on your ownterms. Just be yourself, dont put on apersona. And of course, youve got tobe competitive.

7

Artists respect you for talking about

the music and not the scandal.

entertainment


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The Royal Bengal, Bridge Street

Having been xated on nothing butChinese and Italian restaurants for thethree years Ive had the privilege ofknowing Northampton, we decided to trysomething new. Where does the best curry

in Northampton? Wed seen the SouthIndian restaurant up past Marias in thelittle alleyway by Marks and Spencers, but

were somewhat freaked out by the massiveblue face on the side of the wall. Well visitthe gods another day, I decided, and we

ventured instead to Bridge Street.I must have walked past it several times

without noticing that The Royal Bengaleven existed. Original name, I thought

with a wry grin, booking a table therefor 8 o clock on a Friday night. Id beenadvised by trusty internet reviews to leaveit no later than that, due to the masses

of chavs and tarts that will, without fail,

arrive screaming and gripping their bottlesof blue WKD with vigour before orderingsomething so spicy that theyll be shittingit out for days.

We arrived to a virtually emptyrestaurant, which luckily picked up withinabout half an hour. All customers wereseated in the same area, giving the effectof a full, lively atmosphere. We ordered ared wine from a splendidly robust waiter

with fantastic facial hair, and started the

meal with poppadoms and dips. Mike, mydinner partner, had never ventured as far

as a Samosa in terms of curry, so I endedup doing most of the ordering. For starters,I ordered a Chicken Balti on Poori to share.This has always been my favourite Indianstarter: fried golden bread with a lashingof curry over the top. After this I ordered amild Lamb Curry for myself, the proverbial

Chicken Tikka Masala for Mike, Saag Aloo,and some rice and naans. The chicken wasexceedingly moist (I hate using that word)and overall the meal was very pleasant,

with gorgeously thick sauces and slightlypink lamb which tasted delicious. Looking

back I would have ordered a mediumLamb Curry, as mild turned out to bepractically spiceless. My fault for playingthe safe option. For desert we shared aChocolate Bomb, for the simple fact that inthe menu the picture of it made us laugh(youll see why if you go!).

Luckily, we were out before the chavs and

tarts arrived, with a bottle of wine to takehome and a very rounded paunch.

entertainment

ARTIST oF THE MoNTHPassion Pit

NEENA SUCHDEvSRestaurant of the Month

On rst appearance Passion Pit look likeve vestal nerds who perhaps dont knowone music genre from another.Some people maybe be unaware of whoPassion Pit are because they are still a

relatively fresh band. The ve collegestudents only originally formed together in2007. This was after lead singer Michael

Angelakos wanted to make a specialValentines day present for his girlfriend,so roped his fellow diacritic friends in tohelp. The Valentines gift led to the bandsdebut EP Chunk of ChangeSleepyhead was the rst song of the

band to be released of the EP, which alsofeatures on their debut album Manners.To me, this is most denitely the bestsong on the album, if you havent heardit, denitely worth a listen. It combines

electrifying melodies beautifully combinedwith squiggly chants, most denitely music

to my ears.Other brilliant songs on the album includeMoths Wings, which has a sound similarto the likes of MGMT, though when I listento this song I feel like I should be runningin slo-mo. Another great song is Seaweed

Songan great song to match such a greattitle.

I think Passion Pit will always be one ofthose bands that reminds me of my nal

year at university, whether it be gettingready to go out, attempting to write mydissertation when really I am heavilyprocrastinating by doing copious amountsof Facebook stalking, or if its simplychilling in my room while suffering with ahangover from the night before, there is asong by the band to suit any mood.Not every song on the album is perfect, butperfection is boring. I like the quirkinessand seemingly awed qualities thatPassion Pit display, after all the musical

landscape would be much greyer withoutthem.

By Kershia Eade

The guys on the chess team were always pleasedto welcome new members.

Disappointment: No live Tigersin the Restaurant.


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The 2009/10 season of UoN football haskicked off with some amazing results,league campaigns and cup progressions.The football on the pitch, has lived up toUoNs proud tradition of elding goodsporting outts. However, off the eld con-troversy has threatened to ruin a promis-ing season for all involved. On December7th the footballing community were rocked

by the circulation of an email saying foot-ball had been suspended and is pendingcancellation.Indie Nagra, the Vice President of the Stu-dents Union who sent the email, had rea-

sons to why the club were facing liquida-tion. Lack of communication between theclub itself and the SU, nes, registrationforms, membership fees, budgets and lostequipment were the main reasons. Rightfrom the beginning of the year I madeit clear that football needs to be a club

with all ve teams. The President is fully

responsible for his or her club regardless ofhow many teams the club may have.The mens third team had progressed inthe BUCS cup, overcoming strong opposi-tion in Birmingham rsts on penalties ina tough tie, but were eliminated from thecompetition because of the suspending ofgames. The team had paid their registra-tion fees and were one of the only twoteams to do so in the season. Indie had thisto say on the situation, Im saddened tosee the thirds being eliminated from theBUCS cup, however, registration fees wereonly a fraction of the reason why football

was stopped. Football Club President Aar-ron Green took charge of the club this yearand had to query the previous regime. Ifa team has not paid their registration feesor nes, it is them who should be punishedaccordingly. There is only so much one

person can do, and I have made sufcientsteps to rectify what has happened to noavail. Aarron went on to say, the role ofPresident of Football has not been explicit.Before the current academic year started it

was suggested that a pack of informationcontaining what was expected of the rolefrom the previous President Steven Walpo

would be created, but Im yet to receiveanything.

When asked if Football would be betterrun as individual clubs the answer fromIndie was quite simple. No it wouldnt

be easier. Other clubs can act and have aproper structure in place, it may not beperfect but they have one. Indie added,I and UNSU would rather support thefootball club to come up with a committeestructure and ways of dealing with internalteams. The Club President nally said, I understand I am at the front line andtherefore consequently to blame, but the

role of President is predominantly basedon the co-operation from captains, manag-ers and ultimately all of football.

We can only hope that Football and UNSUcan have a good working relationship tocomplete what could be a fantastic season.

Football cancellation controversy

sport goT A SToRY?E-MAIL [email protected]: Hunters legacy lives on

Netball looks as popular as ever at UoN.The current squad has 25 players mak-ing up three teams, which compete in theBUCS competition. But netball might not

be in such good shape, had it not been forIan Hunter who sadly passed away re-cently. Ian worked at the Union receptionon Park campus and has inspired changethroughout the sport teams.So how far has netball come at the Uni-

versity? I spoke to Charlotte Rogers tond out how the team have progressedin the last couple years and what Hunterhas done for them. Rogers is a third yearstudent studying fashion marketing andhas played for the team since she started atNorthampton.I have been a part of the netball teamsince I started here and we really didnthave much in the way of kit and equipmentetc. Today we now have a sponsor-Momos

Bar Kitchen Club. They have bought kitfor us and we now have new balls, pumpsand bibs.We wouldnt have got all this if it hadnt

been for the hard work that Ian put in forus over the last year or so. On behalf of the

Netball squad I would really like to say thebiggest thank you to Ian as he really didhelp turn the netball squad around. addedRogers.It seems the girls are very full on, trainingthree times a week and have around 10 so-cials a year. They also have a tour to Spainto look forward to later in the year, witharound 20 of the squad taking part.Our social nights are always on a Wednes-day after our game and carry on through-out the night, starting with a game ofcourt. Id love to tell you about it, but what

happens in court stays in court!On the netball court however the girls have

had a mixed season. The rst team havemissed out on promotion from the EastMidlands 3B league. The nal blow thatput them out of contention came whenthey lost to a strong Nottingham side inearly February. However a promising cuprun and big win over Wolverhampton 37-23 have been highlights.We had a lot of supporters come to watchus play Wolverhampton and the atmos-phere was amazing. Before the game wedidnt fancy our chances as we had seenthat they had been doing really well. We

went out there and we played so well as a

team. We all really enjoyed this match andcan say it was one of our best.They do have two games left to cement aplace in 3B next season. They will need atleast one win to guarantee they avoid rel-egation in what seems a very tight league.On a nal note Rogers said that she recom-mends joining a university sports teamto anybody. She and the other girls seemto be having a great time. Log onto bucs.org.uk to get all xtures and results.

The Squirrel would like to wish theNetball team good luck for the restof the season.

By Jonathan Dunne

By Mitch Sayers

The Netball TeamContributed


10/1210

Lying is something people do every day.It is the process of not telling the truth,otherwise known as porky pying. Thelatter phrase was originally invented afterSimple Simon(of met a pieman fame)told a whopper of a lie about how he cameto be in ownership of a rather large porkpie. He said he found it. The truth was hekilled the pieman, bludgeoning him witha large book of Nursery Rhymes (turninginto a Nursery Rhyme Crime book). This

book was later used as evidence in theSimple Simon Porky Pie Lieman PiemanDied Nursery Rhyme Crime Trial. Not so

simple after all, eh, Simon?Here is how you lie. First, think ofsomething you know to be absolutely true.For example, this is the best article Iveever read, or perhaps Michael Jackson

was NOT a paedophile or even Thisisnt a lie. Something indisputable. Nowturn that on its head, say the completeopposite of it. For our purposes, welluse the last example This isnt a lie. Theopposite of that is This is a lie, which isa lie. Wait, so then its true, so then its alie again, and...ah shit. Im confused. Lets

say to lie, you need to be deceptive.Never trust a man who says I always lie,hes probably lying. Lying is also not to

be confused with lying down, which isanother fun thing to do for free (along

with there being several fun things todo when youre lying down, especially if

youre a woman).

The perfect venue for a rst lie wouldbe The Internet. This is a place that isalmost entirely full of lies. Here is a list ofinternet lies:

Old people pretending to bechildren.

Children pretending to be oldpeople.

Middle aged people pretendingtheyre attractive.

LOLcats, no one actually nds thesefunny.

The xs on the end of messagespeople send. THOSE ARENT REALKISSES. They are not an excuse togo round to the person who sent youthese kisses house and start gettingoff with them. This is called illegaland in some cases rape.

This is the best lm Ive ever seen.

This is the worst lm Ive everseen.

You see, there is no point telling thetruth on the internet, because you can be

whoever, and wherever, and wheneveryou want. You could pretend you are fromthe past even, if you wanted.

For any of you that frequent theDozens o Girls 4 U (tm) ChatRoomz,allow me to introduce myself, ImBigBreastedTriplets2002. I lied. Im not

a real life big breasted triplets, Im sureif thats even a good thing and Im sorry, I wont be able to make our meet onSaturday at 9. However, thanks for all thetimes you cybered me, my real life cock

was sore after all those racy innuendoesyou typed at me (you really are marvellousat multitasking, there were no typos

whatsoever). Im not sure, but I think youmight be gay now.

So to cut a long story short, lying is whenyou ght a walrus with toothache usinga large toothbrush, to get the plaque and

plankton out of his teeth, just like I didlast night. Goodbye.

THIS WHOLE ARTICLE WAS UNTRUE.

By Joseph Hilton Marion Bunn

idea#4

skint LYING

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1514

10

11

19

9

7 8

16

20

ACRoSS5 He takes pictures of girls inNorthampton town. (10)

6Youve been shot in the knee but your

ears dissagree? (8)

9 Knocking doesnt work to get into thishome (3,3,8)

10 The price of venison (1,3,4)

12Whats yellow and stuck in a pot? (4)

14A King/President who gives up histhrone/position, but spelt like someone

who might vote D.N.K? (9)

17Where the Battle of Hastings washeld? (6)

19 Food for dogs (inc. punctuation)? (9)

20 He takes you there but doesntcharge you a fare?

DowN1 Spell sh in the Cough Woman Nation? (5)

2What would you get should you eat a wholetin of beans? (6,5)

3What do ghosts eat for dinner? (11)

4Who originally sang the song Hurt? (3)

7What do you call a cow whos just given birth?(12)

8An ocularily challenged swine...? (4,2)

11 Hes been everywhere but no one knows hisname? (8)

13 The reply to the phrase Allow me? (2,2,5)

15What do you call a man with cake on hishead? (2,5)

16What do Hungary Ghosts eat for dinner? (8)

18 Abbrev. abbrev.? (6)

IMPoSSIBLE CRoSSwoRD

funforfree


11/1211

Written by Joseph Hilton Marion Bunn. Illustrated by Neena Suchdev. To be continued...

#3JAm mAn - ThE TOAST wARS


12/12

squirrel issue 5

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