snow white and the 7 dwarfs jack northcott (reading copy)

READING C

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Snow White Pantomime Script

SnowWhite and the Seven Dwarfs The Fairest Panto in the Land

© Jack Northcott 2019 !1

READING C

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PRINCIPAL CAST

Snow White The most talented girl in the land

Prince Charles The fair prince of the land

Dame Nora Virus Snow White’s nursery maid & local washerwoman

Muddles Dame Nora’s son and court jester

Queen Malevolent The evil queen of Meinfahrt

Heinrich the Hunter Malevolent’s aide

Mirror Mirror The spirit of the magical mirror

The Snowman The Queen’s pet abominable snow man

Sarg Head dwarf and clever guy

Jokey Never speaks without a pun

Giggles Hangs round with Jokey

Miserable Gets irritated by Jokey and Giggles

Blondie Your stereotypical blonde

Hippy Chilled out and happy

Oldie Ancient dwarf who farts & has a zimmer frame

SUPPORTING CAST

Richard Royal Messenger from England

Villagers Luca, Liesel, Luisa, Frieda, Franziska

Chorus of citizens of Meinfarht and forrest dwellers.


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SCENES

ACT I

Prologue The Kingdom of Meinfahrt (Front of Tabs)

Scene 1 The Castle of Meinfahrt

Scene 2 A corridor in the castle (Front of Tabs)

Scene 3 Queen Malevolent's Boudoir

Scene 4 The Castle Dungeons (Front of Tabs)

Scene 5 The Castle Laundry

Scene 6 The Dimond Mine (Front of Tabs)

Scene 7 The Frozen Forest

ACT II

Scene 8 The Dwarf’s Cottage

Scene 9 A Path in The Frozen Forest (Front of Tabs)

Scene 10 Queen Malevolent's Boudoir

Scene 11 The Dimond Mine (Front of Tabs)

Scene 12 The Frozen Forest

Scene 13 The Community Song (Front of Tabs)

Scene 14 The Castle of Meinfahrt


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MUSICAL NUMBERS

(Feel free to add or remove musical numbers as you wish. At some point in the script there are suggestions as to songs which may be appropriate to use.)

1. Song Opening Number Snow White & Company

2. Song Dame’s Number Nora Virus

3. Song Snow White Looks for Love Snow White

4. Song Baddie Number Malevolent

5. Song Love Duet Snow White & Prince Charles

6. Song Dwarfs Entrance Snow White & Dwarfs

7. Song Snow White Having Fun Snow White & Prince Charles

8. Song Act I Finale Malevolent

1. Song Act II Opening Number Snow White & Dwarfs

2. Song Missing the Prince Snow White

3. Song Friends Nora V, Muddles & Charles

4. Song Baddie Number Malevolent

5. Song Celebration Number Principals & Company

6. Song Song Sheet Nora V, Muddles & Malevolent

7. Song Finale Number Principals & Company


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THINGS TO NOTE

Snow White comes from the original published copy of the Grimm tales. It was originally set in Germany and so this is where I’ve set my script. It has some humorous German names and qualities and gives plenty of scope for magical snow (and, of course, an abominable snowman).

In this version of Snow White, it is Snow White’s talent, not simply her beauty who makes her the best in all the land. Though, of course, the Queen never quite notices this. This brings the concept much more up to date, and creates good role models for children.

Mirror Mirror is a character with a fairly large part. It should be played both in and out of the mirror frame, but must have a very sparkly silver costume either way. If you are very restricted by casting or set/props, there is scope for you to play it simply with voice in a hand mirror held by the Queen or Snow White.

The Dame must be Nora Virus but the evil Queen could also feasibly be played by a man. It may indeed be more funny this way. If not, it’s a fantastic part for a female.

Song suggestions are just that, feel free to change/remove/insert songs as you wish. I always find it’s good to ensure they make sense within the plot.

The set could be complex or simple, with just 2 sides of reversibly flats, one for the castle and one for the forrest. You could then build everything else within this, including the Dwarf’s home. The diamond mine can simply be a star cloth FOT scene.


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ACT I

Prologue The Kingdom of Meinfahrt (Mirror Mirror is heard in voice over)

Mirror To all who seek a beautiful bride To those of you ugly on the inside To those who cross without first checking left and right Welcome to our story of dear Snow White

Mine is the voice of Spirit of the Mirror A tone that fills even Queen Malevolent with terror Queen M’s long had it in for us, a bitter, horrid old witch And if I had things my way, I’d just march up and slap the -

(Queen Malevolent enters)

Talk of the devil herself.

PLAY ON MALEVOLENT

Malevolent (Evil cackle) Good gracious me, look at you all. You really are disgusting. No one uglier this side of *local place name*. Especially you sir in the front row, you could have at least put a comb through your hair. What’s that? My apologies madame. It’s a woman.

Mirror Oi Queeny, leave them alone and pick on someone your own size.

Malevolent Ahhh, Mirror Mirror I thought I could smell something foul around here.

Mirror Right that’s it, I’m coming out.

Malevolent Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage my magic mirror!

(Mirror MIrror enters, they can be inside or outside a frame)

PLAY ON MIRROR MIRROR

Mirror (Bows) Your majesty, ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls and those who aren’t yet sure.

Malevolent So nice to see you again mirror. It’s been too long.

Mirror Darling please, you check your face in me every 5 minutes.

Malevolent Hold your tongue or I shall bully you instead.


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Mirror You know, normally bullies only bully because they’ve been bullied themselves.

Malevolent What could I possibly have been bullied for, look at me, I’m perfect

Mirror You can be as beautiful as you like, but that doesn’t make you a nice person.

Malevolent But dear, beauty is all I need. Don’t you think?

Malevolent Mirror Mirror, tell me true, who’s the fairest known to you?

Mirror You think you’re the fairest in the land, But there’s another, she’s far more grand. She’s a beauty, yes, and that’s a start, But her fairness is in the beauty of her heart.

Malevolent That’s not what you’re supposed to say. (Aside) Must be something wrong with it. I’ll try again. (She repositions herself) Mirror Mirror, are you sure? No one is this beautiful, and more.

Mirror I’m sorry Queeny, you heard me right While you are the most beautiful in my sight There’s another star who shines more bright She’s well known to you, her name’s Snow White

Malevolent Snow White? Damn her, and that stupid old king. How can she be the one that ruins my thing?

That’s it. Mirror, I don’t need you any longer, get out of my sight.

(Mirror exits)

I’m off to find the ‘fair’ Snow White and make sure she never takes my crown, ever again! (Evil laugh)

(Malevolent storms out)

PLAY OFF MALEVOLENT

Mirror Oh dear boys and girls, our Queen has quite a temper. Luckily, it’s my job to protect the fair Snow White and ensure no harm comes to her. But I can’t be in a hundred places at once. I need your help to keep an eye on her. Will you help me boys and girls?

(Audience response)

I said, will you help me boys and girls?


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(Audience response)

Fabulous. What I need you to do, is to watch Snow White whenever she’s on stage and if harm is about to come to her, I need you to shout ‘Mirror Mirror’. Shall we have a practice? Say it with me, here goes; one, two, three.

(Audience response)

Oh dear, no. I won’t hear that if I’m stuck in my frame that hangs in the queen’s boudoir, will I? Let’s give it another go; one, two, three.

(Audience response)

There now, that was much better. Don’t worry, you won’t be watching her on your own, I’ve got seven pint sized friends who will be keeping an eye too. Now I’m off to check in on Snow White. Enjoy the show boys and girls!

(Mirror Mirror exits)

PLAY OFF MIRROR MIRROR


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Scene 1 The Castle of Meinfahrt (The scene opens in the courtyard of a traditional German

village castle. Dirndl patterns hang from flag standards and the townsfolk are dressed in lederhosen and long skirts. Snow White herself and the townsfolk of Meinfahrt sing joyfully to welcome the audience.)

Song Opening Number, suggest ‘Good Morning Baltimore’ from Hairspray with lyrics edited to ‘Good Morning de Meinfahrt’. I can provide these lyrics if requested.

Snow Hello boys and girls! Welcome to Meinfarht the ancient kingdom of sausages and bottom slapping! My name is Princess Snow White and my father the king ruled this land until he died. Since then my horrible step mother Queen Malevolent took the throne and we’ve all lived in fear of her evil reign.

Luca They say the Queen is so evil that her hair is made from live snakes.

Liesel That’s nothing. I’ve heard she only eats bats’ wings, elephant meat and spawn of frogs.

Luisa That’s nothing. I’ve heard she dines on a table made from the bones of dead servants in the castle.

Snow It wouldn’t surprise me if all that were true friends. Let’s just hope none of us ever end up in a position to find out!

(Enter Royal Messenger from England)

Richard Hear this message all citizens of fair mine fart (he stops), fair maine furt (he stops again), fair Meinfahrt.

It is with great excitement and celebration that following the cruel and quite accidental abolition of the royal monarchy of the brave and nobel kingdom of England, the right royal heir to the english throne Prince Charles has chosen to visit your country in search of a beautiful princess and a place to stay, safe from his own marauding people.

He decided Germany was the best place to visit as with any luck, following Brexit, the men with pitchforks won’t be allowed out of Britain.

It is with great anticipation that we await Prince Charles’ arrival.

Frieda Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear.


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Franziska An english prince, here in the village? Let me at him, I’ll be his beautiful princess.

Frieda Oh stop it. There’s only room for one beautiful princess here in the village and I think we all know who that is.

Snow Thanks Frieda, but I don’t think I’ll ever be beautiful or popular enough to win the heart of an english prince.

Frieda Of course you will Snow White.

Leisel If anyone can, you can Snow White.

Luisa Why not go shopping for a new dress. That’s always a good start on a first date!

Snow Are you sure? All right, I’ll go and pick out a new dress. Wish me luck boys and girls!

(Snow White exits. Dame Nora Virus enters in an outrageous frock. She sees the audience and makes a beeline for the front row.)

Nora Snow White! Snow White! Oh darn I’ve missed her again. That girl is harder to track down than Bear Grills on a mountain hike, and believe me ladies, I’ve tried!

My name is Nora Virus, castle washerwoman and guardian to Snow White. I live here in Meinfahrt with my wonderful son Muddles and we have a fabulous time washing other peoples undies. Oh yes, we’ve got lots of famous customers; superman, he wears his on the outside of his clothes to keep them clean. Captain Hook, his are rip-proof and he has extra room round the back to store his booty. Donald Trump, he has very special underwear. His have a flap on the back so that you can hear him speak.

It’s been very difficult to do the washing with all this bad weather we’ve been having in the mountains. I saw on the weather forecast we’re getting 10 inches tomorrow! Mind you, girls, it was a male weather presenter so probably nearer 4.

Still, if only that was the worst thing about living here in the mountains. My mobile phone signal is terrible, it’s worse than living in *local place with bad signal*. I’m on an exclusive network: ‘NN’. Nothing Nowhere.

At least I have my wonderful son Muddles. He’s head-over-heels in love with Snow White. But the evil Queen Malevolent bans visitors inside the castle and the only times Muddles gets to see her is when he delivers the Queen’s knickers. Oh she’s been terrible, just like my ex-husband. It’s alright ladies, we both wanted different things. I wanted a


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bigger house, he wanted a woman called Nellie! I said ‘Nigel, I’ll knock your nose and knee you in the nick-necks if you nestle in with Nellie.’ and he told me I needed professional help, so I hired a hitman.

Song Dame’s Number, suggest ‘Troublemaker’ by Olly Murs

(Muddles enters looking confused, as usual.)

Muddles Hiya boys and girls!

(Audience response)

Oh dear me, we can’t have that can we? I said “hiya boys and girls!”

(Audience response)

That’s more like it.

Nora Muddles, you’re right on cue.

Muddles Normally I’m off kilter.

Nora Where have you been? I haven’t seen you since you left this morning.

Muddles Oh Mum, I got caught up trying to distract Queen Malevolent from trying to hurt Snow White. She’s ever so ugly. I wonder if her evil reign will ever end.

Nora Well the Titanic was built to last. I’ll just let that sink in.

Muddles I’m ever so tired Mum, all that running around. Plus, I’ve been up all night.

Nora What were you doing up all night.

Muddles I was wondering where the sun had gone, but then it dawned on me.

Nora Oh Muddles, it’s no wonder you haven’t got a girlfriend.

Muddles Hold on, I’ve had lots of girlfriends. There was Grace -

Nora - With the lovely face.

Muddles Freya -

Nora - With the lovely ha-ir

Muddles Annie.


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Nora With the lovely -

Muddles - smile.

Nora Will you give my Muddles some love boys and girls?

(Audience response)

Oh, that’s nice of you.

Muddles I tell you what: every time I come on stage, I’ll shout ‘Hiya boys and girls!’ and you can shout back ‘cuddles Muddles’. What do you think? Shall we give it a go?

(Audience response)

One, two, three, “hiya boys and girls!”

(Audience response)

Nora Believe me boys and girls, he needs more sympathy than that.

Muddles Let’s give it another try. One, two, three, “hiya boys and girls!”

(Audience response)

That’s much better, well done boys and girls. Blimey, is that the time? I’d better go and see if I can find Snow White. See you later gang!

(Muddles exits)

Nora Ahh bless him, look at him there running off. I tried to get him to pass his driving test but he couldn’t do it, he just kept getting muddled. I practiced with him every night. One night I said ‘when driving through fog, what should you use?’ he said ‘your car’. So I thought a practical question would be better, I got out our car and put the indicator on and I asked Muddles ‘is my indicator on?’ and he said ‘yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes.’ So I just put him in for one one those quick courses which only take a week down at *local test centre* and he only went and crashed the car! He came back and I said ‘what did you do?’ he said ‘you told me it was a crash course Mum.’

Oh dear, I’d better go after him to check if he’s okay. See you in a while boys and girls!

(Nora Virus exits. Malevolent enters followed by Heinrich)

PLAY ON MALEVOLENT


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Malevolent Boo and hiss all you like. I love my boos, especially at Christmas!

Heinrich Which one is she your majesty?

Malevolent Boys and girls, meet Heinrich, he’s my hunter-hitman. He does all my evil bidding in the village. Keeps my name out of the papers.

Heinrich Is that why you hired me?

Malevolent No dear, I hired you as you don’t have the brains to work it out for yourself.

Heinrich Ahh that’s all right then.

Malevolent Now, I want you to find Snow White and keep an eye on her. I’m fed up of her cheerful talent and unmatched beauty. I’d kill her myself if I didn't want to ruin my manicure.

Heinrich I’ll find her straight away your majesty.

Malevolent That’s my man.

(Heinrich exits to search for Snow White)

I do love being evil. Keep up the boos, there’s plenty more where that came from!

(She exits with an evil cackle)

PLAY OFF MALEVOLENT


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Scene 2 A corridor in the castle (Front of Tabs) (This scene is somewhere in the castle, it could be under a staircase or

in a corridor. Snow White enters holding shopping bags, but she looks crushed.)

Snow Oh boys and girls, there you are. I’ve just been shopping and picked up the most beautiful dress but I’m worried that Prince Charles won’t like it. You know what English men are like with their fashion sense.

I wonder what he’s like. I bet he’s nothing like me, probably far better looking. Way out of my league.

Song Suggest ‘Obviously’ by McFly or ‘Somebody to Love’ from We Will Rock You

I wonder if I’ll ever find somebody to love.

(Enter Muddles)

Muddles Hiya boys and girls.

(Audience)

Some of you weren't concentrating then. I said ‘Hiya boys and girls!’

(Audience)

That’s better. Hello Snow White, how are you?

Snow I’m not feeling too great Muddles. I just bought this dress to wear for Prince Charles of England, but I don’t think he’ll like it.

Muddles I think you could wear anything and still look amazing.

Snow Thanks Muddles, you’re very sweet.

Muddles I find shopping very confusing you know. I went shopping last week. I went to Las Iguanas, but they didn’t sell reptiles. I went to Apple but they didn’t sell apples. I went to Virgin but I couldn’t work out what they sell!

Snow Oh Muddles, you are funny. I’d better get going before Queen Malevolent notices I’ve been spending on the royal credit card. Thanks for trying to cheer me up.

(Snow White exits with her shopping.)


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Muddles Isn’t she just so beautiful boys and girls? And she’s ever so talented. Did you hear her singing just now? I think I love her.

(Nora Virus enters with a laundry basket full to the brim. The following wordplay routine should be executed in a quick-fire manner.)

Nora Muddles, there you are. Come along, come along, we’ve got some laundry to deliver.

Muddles Do we have to? I thought we’d finished all the washing.

Nora Well, there’s plenty more here as you can see.

Muddles Why?-

Nora - fronts. That’s right.

(Nora pulls a pair of Y Fronts from the pile)

Muddles But there’s boxes and boxes and boxes there.

(As he says it, Nora pulls out 2 pairs of boxer shorts and a cricket box)

Nora That’s right.

Muddles What else is there?

Nora I’ve had about enough of your moaning Muddles. I tell you, you need to pull your socks up.

(She pulls socks from the pile and passes them to him.)

Brace yourself and stop keeping us all in suspenders.

(She pulls a pair of braces and suspenders from the pile too.)

Your moaning and groaning doesn’t strike any chords with me.

(She pulls a pair of cords from the pile.)

Don’t keep skirting around the issue Muddles

(She pulls a skirt from the washing.)

And I’ll tell you now, being tight won’t help you out either.

(She pulls a pair of tights from the pile.)

You need to loosen your belt,


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(She pulls a belt out of the washing.)

Muddles Here Mum, what noise does a sheep make?

Nora What are you talking about Muddles?

Muddles (Picks out a bra from the washing) Bra!

Nora Oh Muddles, your jokes are pants.

(She pulls a pair of pants from the pile.)

Muddles Did you watch Sherlock last night Mum?

Nora Oh yes, I love Benedict Cummerband.

(She pulls a cummerbund from the washing.)

Here you are son.

(She hands him a pair of dungarees.)

Muddles I’ve done Gary’s (dungarees) washing already Mum.

Nora Do you know Muddles, everything was going swimmingly ’til you got here.

(She takes out some speedos, a bikini and a diving mask.)

Muddles Don’t sweat it Mum.

(He grabs a sweatband.)

Nora Oh Muddles, that’s it, I’ve had enough. Come along now we’ve got to get this washing to where it needs to be.

(She leaves, Muddles spots a small thong on the floor.)

Muddles Wait for me Mum, I think you’ve forgotten something!

(He runs after her. Mirror Mirror enters)

PLAY ON MIRROR MIRROR

Mirror Well my darlings, I’ve been trying to find out what Malevolent’s up to and whatever it is, it isn’t good. She’s been doing lots of plotting with that heinous henchman Heinrich. I think she’s come up with a plan to try and get rid of Snow White once and for all. It’s something to do with


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Muddles, so make sure you keep an eye out in this next scene and let me know if you need me.

(They run off and exit)


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Scene 3 Queen Malevolent's Boudoir (A plush bedroom with a dressing table and comfortable furnishings.

No bed is necessary. If you prefer, this scene could be set in the Queen’s dressing room. If possible, Mirror Mirror has a permanent frame in the room.)

PLAY ON MALEVOLENT

Malevolent I am the most beautiful in all the land. I am, I am, I am.

Mirror Ahh Queeny, if only that were true But Snow White is far more beautiful than you

Malevolent Shut up you useless piece of glass.

(Mirror Mirror is hurt)

And as for you lot, you can shut up as well. I’ve had just about enough of the citizens of *performance place name* trying to ruin my fun. I’ll show you just how evil I really am.

Song Suggest ‘Bad’ by Michael Jackson or ‘Killer Queen’ from We Will Rock You

Malevolent Mirror Mirror, is there anything I can do, to get rid of Snow White and try to convince you?

Mirror So now you want my help? Well, in my professional opinion, you could try some new clothes for a start. You need all the help you can get.

Malevolent Insolent thing. You’re lucky I haven’t broken you into a thousand shiny pieces.

Mirror Alright, alright, keep your false teeth in.

Malevolent Fine, I will pick out a new outfit and then we’ll try again. For your sake, you’d better say I win.

(The Queen exits, or goes behind a screen to get changed. Muddles and Nora Virus stumble into the Queen’s room with a bundle of laundry to deliver. Muddles trips on the way in and the undies go everywhere.)

PLAY OFF MALEVOLENT

Nora Oh Muddles you clumsy thing. I don’t know where you get your sense of balance from.

Muddles I always thought I got it from you Mum.


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Nora (Crosses to Malevolent’s dressing table) Cor, look at all this makeup Muddles. There’s some scented lipstick here.

Muddles There isn’t.

Nora There is! Come and give it a sniff.

(Muddles comes and dutifully puts his nose out. Nora smears lipstick all over it.)

Muddles Oi Mum! Leave me alone.

(He grabs the lipstick and draws shapes on her cheeks.)

Nora I’ll get you for that.

(She grabs the blusher and puts it all over Muddles’ face)

Muddles I can’t believe you just did that.

Nora (Laughing) Did what?

Muddles This.

(He grabs the blusher and puts it all over her face)

Nora Come on now, that’s quite enough of that. We need to tidy this lot up before anyone sees us.

Mirror Better make it quick then.

Muddles Who was that?

Mirror It’s me, of course.

Nora Who, of course?

Mirror Mirror Mirror turn around, I’m behind you, but don’t make a sound.

Muddles Where is that voice coming from boys and girls?

(Audience response)

Nora It’s behind us?

(Audience response)

Muddles Are you sure?


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(Audience response)

Nora Just go and have a look will you.

Muddles Okay. If you say so.

(Muddles turns and faces the mirror frame. He moves left and right and does funny things with his hands. Mirror Mirror mirrors him. He turns back to Nora V)

I can’t see anything Mum. Just my reflection in the mirror.

Nora Let me have a look.

(Nora crosses to the mirror and does the same)

You’re right. I can only see my reflection.

(Mirror Mirror blows a raspberry at them)

Muddles Was that you Mum?

Nora It was certainly not!

Muddles I think we should have another look Mum. Both of us this time.

Nora Go on then.

(They cross to the mirror and do the same things in the same directions. The mirror copies them.)

Mirror Boo!

Nora & Muddles Ahhhhhh!

PLAY ON MALEVOLENT

(Nora runs off, scared. Queen Malevolent enters, looking glamorous)

Malevolent What on earth is going on here?

(She spots Muddles who is huddled in a corner shaking)

I should have known it would be you. You’re such a scaredy-cat Muddles, I don’t know how you navigate your way through life.

Muddles Well that’s not a very nice thing to say.


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Malevolent That’s because I’m not very nice, you silly fool. Since you’re here, I could do with your help with something. Would you mind?

Muddles Depends what it is.

Malevolent Well, it’s in everybody’s best interests, that’s for sure.

Muddles Alright then.

Malevolent Wonderful. Come over here and stand opposite me. All I need you to do is repeat everything I say.

Muddles Repeat everything you say.

Malevolent Yes, everything I say.

Muddles Yes, everything you say.

Malevolent Not yet Muddles! Now.

(They start to sway in the same direction together as the Queen tries to hypnotise Muddles)

Muddles Now.

Malevolent Look into my eyes.

Muddles Boiled eggs and pork pies.

Malevolent Watch me as I smile.

Muddles Blimey, this could take a while.

Malevolent Focus on me.

Muddle Whoops, I need a wee.

Malevolent Muddles.

Muddles Puddles.

Malevolent You’re like a bottle of farm fresh orange juice. You just need to concentrate.

Muddles Concentrate.

Malevolent I need you to lead the prince astray.

Muddles You’re telling me the prince is-


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Malevolent - No, no, no Muddles. Listen to me.

Muddles I still need a wee.

Malevolent Muddles!

Muddles Cuddles!

Malevolent Take the prince-

Muddles - I’ve heard he’s a pinch.

Malevolent As far away-

Muddles - are you sure he’s not -

Malevolent - from Snow White

Muddles Hold him tight.

Malevolent As you can possibly get.

Muddles Don’t let him get wet.

(Malevolent clicks her fingers)

Malevolent Did you get that Muddles?

Muddles Yes.

Malevolent Are you sure?

Muddles No.

Malevolent Do you need me to do it again?

Muddles Definitely not. We’ll be here all year.

Malevolent Then get out of my sight, before I change my mind and put you in the castle dungeons.

Muddles The castle dungeons?

Malevolent Yes, now go!

(Muddles runs off)

Snow White will soon be mine! (Evil cackle)


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PLAY OFF MALEVOLENT


snow white and the 7 dwarfs jack northcott (reading copy)

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