sir robin audition packet - phoenix productions · 2018-03-12 · 2- 8- 19 f a t h e r : s top...

SIR ROBIN AUDITION PACKET

I-3-5

Song: King Arthur’s Song

ARTHUR: I am Arthur King of the Britons Lord and Ruler of all

Of England, and Scotland And even tiny little bits of Gaul

ROBIN: And I’m the Emperor of Norway. Bugger off.

PATSY: He is Arthur King of the Britons

And we are out seeking men Very strong men And very able

ARTHUR: To sit at our very, very, very round table

ROBIN: What is it you want?

ARTHUR: I am looking for men.

ROBIN: I had a feeling.

ARTHUR: We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights

to join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and

master.

ROBIN: What, ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR: Yes!

ROBIN: You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR: What?

ROBIN: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging them

together.

ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land,

through the kingdom of Mercia, through…

ROBIN: Where'd you get the coconut?

ARTHUR: We found them.

ROBIN: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

I-3-6

ARTHUR: What do you mean?

ROBIN: Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the

plover may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not

strangers to our land.

ROBIN: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.

ROBIN: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!

ROBIN: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight

ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you tell your master that Arthur from the

Court of Camelot is here?

ROBIN: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat

its wings 43 times every second, right?

ARTHUR: Please!

ROBIN: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I’m not interested!

Lance appears at the opposite Proscenium window Stage Left.

LANCE: It could be carried by an African swallow!

I-4-8

Scene Four: Plague Village A Cart filled with dead bodies pushed by a man in rags enters upstage right. Robin, the Dead Collector, enters downstage right banging a triangle. MONKS: ( Offstage voices, pre recorded)

Sacrosanctus Domine ROBIN: (live) Bring out your Dead! MONKS: Pecavi ignoviunt ROBIN: Bring out your dead! MONKS: Iuesus Christus Domine ROBIN: Bring out your dead! MONKS: Pax vobiscum venerunt Lance enters Stage Left dragging a small bubo covered man, apparently dead, by his feet.

LANCE: Here's one.

ROBIN: Nine pence.

MAN: I'm not dead!

ROBIN: What?

LANCE: Nothing. Here's your nine pence.

MAN: I'm not dead!

ROBIN: Here, he says he's not dead!

LANCE: Yes, he is.

MAN: I'm not!

ROBIN: He isn't.

LANCE: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

MAN: I'm getting better!

LANCE: No, you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.

ROBIN: I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. MAN: I don't want to go on the cart!

LANCE: Oh, don't be such a baby. ROBIN: I can't take him...

MAN: I feel fine! I-4-9

LANCE: Well, do us a favor...

ROBIN: I can't.

LANCE: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

ROBIN: Oh, Alright. Kevin.

LANCE: Thanks, mate.

The Carter picks up the sick man and carries him towards the cart.

ROBIN: But make it quick, I got to get to Camelot by six.

LANCE: You’re going to Camelot?

ROBIN: Yes.

LANCE: What, you got a gig?

ROBIN: No, I’m going to enlist.

LANCE: What, as a Knight?

ROBIN: Maybe.

LANCE: Well I’ll come with you.

MAN: I’m not dead yet.

LANCE: Shut up. I fancy some of that fighting.

ROBIN Oh there’s fighting is there?

LANCE Quite, a lot of fighting, mate. That’s what the job’s all about.

ROBIN Oh I see. It’s not just dressing up. And dancing.

LANCE: No, no. It’s mostly fighting.

ROBIN: Oh. Oh, good.

LANCE: Although some of the Scottish regiments might have a bit of dressing

up and dancing.

MAN: I’d like to dance.

LANCE: Look, you’re not fooling anyone you know.

I-4-10

Song: He Is Not Dead Yet

MAN: I feel happy. I feel happy.

To illustrate how happy he is he begins to dance and sing frenetically.

MAN: I am not dead yet I can dance and I can sing I am not dead yet I can do the Highland fling I am not dead yet No need to go to bed No need to call a doctor

‘cos I’m not yet dead. The five bodies on the cart quite suddenly sit up and sing. BODIES: He is not yet dead

That’s what the geezer said Oh he’s not yet dead That man is off his head He is not yet dead Put him back in bed Keep him off the cart because he’s not yet dead

The man dances frenetically to show them he is healthy until Lance whacks him smartly on the head with a shovel from the cart. The sick man drops like a stone. Beat. BODIES:

Well, now he’s dead You whacked him on the head Sure now he’s dead It makes me just see red You are such a brute

2-8-19

FATHER: Stop that! You’re not going to do a song while I’m here. In twenty

minutes you’re getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest

tracts of open land in Britain.

HERBERT: But I don’t want land.

FATHER: Listen, Alice…

HERBERT: Herbert.

FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need land.

HERBERT: But I don’t like her.

FATHER: Don’t like her?! What’s wrong with her? She’s beautiful, she’s

rich, she’s got huge… tracts of land.

HERBERT: I know, but I want the person I marry to have... a certain... special... (music)... something… And another hundred people just contracted the plague Or fell into the swamp… FATHER: Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better

get used to the idea. Guards!

As he descends the stairs two Guards carrying Halberds enter.

FATHER: Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

GUARD #1: Right! Not… to leave the room… even if you come and get him.

FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get him.

GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

FATHER: No…You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: …and you'll come and get him.

FATHER: That’s right.

2-8-20

GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the

room.

FATHER: Leaving the room.

GUARD #1: Leaving the room…. yes.

FATHER: Got it?

GUARD #1: Can he leave the room with us?

FATHER: (Carefully) No….it’s simple... keep him in here.. and make sure….

GUARD #1: Oh, yes! We’ll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to

leave…and we were with him…

FATHER: No… just keep him in here.

GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else…

FATHER: No. Not anyone else, just me.

GUARD #1: Just you.

FATHER: Get back.

GUARD #1: Got it. We’ll remain here until you get back.

FATHER: And make sure he doesn’t leave.

GUARD #1: What?

FATHER: Make sure he doesn’t leave.

GUARD #1: The Prince….?

FATHER: Yes, make sure…..

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course! I thought you meant him…you know, it seemed a

bit daft, me having to guard him when he’s a guard.

FATHER: Is that clear?

GUARD #1: Oh, yes. That’s quite clear. No problems.

Father turn and starts to leave through the Gateway and they follow him.

2-8-21

FATHER: Where are you going?

GUARD #1: We’re coming with you.

FATHER: No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn’t

leave the room until I get back.

GUARD #1: Oh, I see, right.

HERBERT: But, Father!

FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing!

Father exits. Shouts offstage. Screams. The Guards smile happily. Lancelot rushes in, his sword drawn and bloody. GUARD#1: Ah. Now you’re not to leave the room until…

Lancelot stabs him

GUARD#2: Hic.

Lancelot stabs him too and races up the stairs to kneel before the Prince.

LANCELOT: Oh fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot from the

Court of Camelot, I have come to take you….away …and oh …I’m

terribly sorry..

HERBERT: You got my note?

LANCELOT: Well…I got a note.

HERBERT: You’ve come to rescue me?

NI KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now The Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-

f’tang-f’tang- boing-boing-olé biscuit barrel… (ad lib)

Therefore, we must give you a new test.

ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of Ecky ecky… ..

O Artists formerly known as The Knights who say Ni?

NI KNIGHT: The new test is you must put on a Broadway musical.

2-5-11

ROBIN: Oh yes!

NI KNIGHT: But not an Andrew Lloyd Webber.

ALL: Ahhh, No. No.

NI KNIGHT: C’mon lets go book seats on the web.

Exits upstage right

NI KNIGHTS: Ecky, ecky, F’tang, F’tang…

ARTHUR: Have you heard of this Broadway?

ROBIN: Yes Sire and we don’t stand a chance.

ARTHUR: Why not?

Robin steps toward the audience

ROBIN: Because Broadway….

Underscore begins

…..is a very special place, filled with very special people; people who

can sing and dance, often at the same time. They are a different people,

a multi-talented people, a people who need people, who are in many

ways the luckiest people in the world. I’m sorry Sire but we don’t have

a chance.

!

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!

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– 154 –

Spamalot Tour

sir robin audition packet - phoenix productions · 2018-03-12 · 2- 8- 19 f a t h e r : s top...

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