silence, finger pointing, and blame; a survivor's guide for a workplace (and world) in conflict

Silence, Finger-Pointing,

and Blame;A Survivor’s Guide for a Workplace (and World) in Conflict

R. W. Burke

© 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved

“Values are like fingerprints. Nobody’s are the same, but you leave ‘em all over everything you do.”

~ Elvis Presley


It Starts With Values…

“Learning people, starts with learning people’s values.”

Please complete the Values Assessment


How are your values being expressed in your life?

•“And for most of us, our values become the method by which we measure ourselves, and others.”

•“Consequently, from the most hopeful point-of-view, they serve as an ideal.”•“From the most negative perspective, a judgment.”


“If you don’t understand someone’s values, you won’t understand their behavior.”

First –• Think about a time that

brings out your worst…•A time that turns you

into that person you don’t want to be, but are anyway…

Next – •Write down everything

you can remember about the situation…time of day, people involved, smells, sounds, etc. Put yourself back in that moment.


We all experience conflict…• In the moment you described, which of your

values have been offended?

• Identify the emotion that was expressed.

• Explain how you reacted.


Reactions – “the words you say that you can’t get back.”

• Victim –•Withdraws•“I Lose” mentality•Feels powerless, helpless•Self-pity•Stops communicating

• Conflict – •Lashes out•“I Win” mentality•Feels defensive, combative•Anger•Argumentative


Understanding default reactions…• If you believe you reacted as a Victim, take a moment and write down how you would have acted and sounded if you reacted in Conflict.

• If you believe you reacted in Conflict, take a moment and write down how you would have acted and sounded if you reacted as a Victim.


Interrupting the reaction…

• You can easily learn to interrupt your default reactions by practicing techniques that work for you…• Take a deep breath. Breath in and breath out. A deep

breath takes about six seconds.•Count to ten by Mississippi’s (One Mississippi, two

Mississippi…) or One Thousand’s (One One Thousand, Two One Thousand…)


Before transforming reactions into responses…• Difficult Problems – Good understanding of the problem,

agreement about the solution. The only thing missing is action.• Complicated Problems – Requires broad social consensus and

technical expertise.• Complex Problems – When no one “right” solution exists•Wicked Problems – The problem defies definition• Super Wicked Problems – The people that want to solve the

problem also create it.


Owning the reaction, changes things…•Given the situation you identified earlier, you have

explored reacting as a Victim and in Conflict.•Now, let’s explore how your best self would respond

differently. •How would you act and sound when responding in a

manner that you would be proud of? •What response to the interaction could you imagine that

would have both parties not left “feeling less” for it?


When you are no longer ruled by your emotions, you will…

• Step One – Identify situations that “push your buttons.”• Step Two – Recognize what values have been offended.• Step Three – Acknowledge the emotion that results and how

you tend to react (default reaction).• Step Four – Interrupt the reaction (take a breath, count to

ten).• Step Five – Transform your reaction (negative) into a

response (positive).


In the future, you will…

• The next time the situation arises, you will react. Don’t be disappointed. After you’ve reacted, you’ll recognize that you reacted. You’ll wish you’d have handled it better.• The time after that, you will interrupt your reaction. You will take

a breath and you will respond. You will be proud of how you handled it.• You will develop radar that alerts you to situations that tend to

“spin you up.” You will get ahead of those situations. You will not react. You won’t have to. You’ll have managed it before it happened.


My sincere hope for you…

•Increased self-awareness;•Increased other-awareness;•Peace in your day;•Peace in your life;•Peace in your work.


“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”

~ Mother Teresa


silence, finger pointing, and blame; a survivor's guide for a workplace (and world) in conflict

Leadership & Management