She Drives Me Crazy!… Cue for a Song Or A Leadership Challenge?

She Drives Me Crazy

(as the Fine Young Cannibals once sang)

Or he does…..

I’ve worked with three different people this week who’ve had what they all described as ‘tricky’ or ‘difficult’ working relationships with one of their colleagues. There were

a lot of similarities in what these three leaders described.

The ‘tricky colleagues’ are all described as competent people – so it wasn’t about performance or results

The working relationships had felt challenging for a long time – so the situation wasn’t new

These relationships can feel hugely frustrating and what we really want is for the other person to change his or her behaviour. Well, guess what……. They won’t. Unless there is a compelling reason for them to do so.

So what to do?

As is often the case, we first have to look in the mirror and ask ourselves ‘what is my part in this?’ How am I contributing to making this a difficult relationship?’

Here are five things you can do to get to grips with those tricky colleagues:

1. Get to know who or what pushes your hot buttons and triggers strong emotions in you – then ask yourself: ‘what is it about me that makes this relationship difficult? What might I need to change about myself (including my beliefs or assumptions) to get a better outcome with this person?

2. Who does this person remind you of? If you’re not familiar with the term ‘transference’ I would describe it (in very simplistic terms!) as treating somebody as if they were somebody else (unconsciously). So you behave with a senior colleague as if she were your mother, for example, because when you are with her, it feels like being with your mother! You get the picture. I’ve had a few light bulb moments myself with transference. Once I understand why I feel so strongly about somebody and who they remind me of it becomes a lot easier to build a better relationship with them as a unique human being!

3. First seek to understand – imagine what it is like to be in their shoes for a day. What are their challenges? Frustrations? Fears? Hopes?

4. Work on developing your empathy – one of the best ways to do this is to use (metaphorically or literally!) what Stephen Covey calls The Talking Stick

5. Ask your colleague ‘what can we do to develop our working relationship’? Are you getting what you need from me?’ Then LISTEN to the answers. You might be surprised!

Vive la difference!

Till next time,

Lynne

T 01729 840045 E pat@lynnscottcoaching.co.uk www.lynnscottcoaching.co.uk

Lynn Scott Coaching Ltd

High Wood Barn

Rathmell

North Yorkshire

BD24 0JX