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Shariah and the Interwebs

There is a lot of misunderstanding surrounding Shariah law, and to clarify just one point I decided to

use the example of the unwritten rules of the internet. Shariah law is not a monolithic entity that is

meant for totalitarian control of every aspect of an individuals life by the state, it is a way of life and if

implemented at the state level it is simply a legal code like any other. There are disagreements within

Islam about what exactly shariah consists of and how best to implement it, and I found that it actually is

closest in character to the unwritten rules of the internet (though completely different in content).

Shariah law is not fully agreed upon, though there are rules that are given complete consensus.

Furthermore some of the laws are punishable, whereas some of them simply state facts. Gravity, for

example, is a law in the shariah of the universe. What happens when you break the law of gravity? Are

you stoned to death? No, you simply dont do it. Similarly, there are many laws which do not have

prescribed punishments and many punishments that are meant to be options rarely used. All in all if

shariah were understood to be more like the laws of the internet, part code of conduct, part immutable

laws of nature, part legal code, then the billions of people who live by shariah law will seem less scaryand perhaps we can all get along a little better.

In case you dont know the laws of the internet I have included a bunch of them as

demonstrations. Instead of reciting a saying of the Prophet, a fatwa or a verse of the Quran netizens

will simply say Rule __ man. Here are the rules as I know them, or according to my school of

thought.

1) Do not talk about ______This rule comes from Fight Club, where the first 2 rules are to not talk about fight club.

Example: By writing this I have broken rule 1 about the rules of the internet.

2) If a rule prevents something that would not normally happen then because of the rule someonewill do whatever it is that breaks the rule.

Example:Do not ride pogo sticks in a skirt on Saturdays in Iceland. Rule 2 states that as soon as

the pogo stick rule becomes well known it will be broken solely for the sake of breaking it

Rule 2 can also be the same as rule 1 as per fight club

3) Rule 3 When someone is bragging online divide (or multiply if applicable) what theyre saying by3.

Example: I made like $1000 bucks this weekend = the person probably made about $300

3.14) If it exists there is pi/pie of it.Example: Army man pie, or a circle of flaming army men.

4) Anonymous is legion. Also, anything youre talking about is some sort of conspiracy by a lose-knit group of renegades.

Example: Google always redirects me to WOW must be a rule 4

5) There is no rule 5 (also paradoxes are always insolvable)Example: Well then Im making my own rule, Ill call it rule 5 No man, remember rule 5

6) If someone is generalizing its because theyre wrong, or all generalizations are wrong.

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7) The cake is a lie. (General rule of pessimism)Example: If a friend just signed up for a new Telus bundle to get a new phone and is eagerly

waiting for it you should send him an old Telus box (from a router or something) and in it put

your 200 year old broken phone with a card that says Rule 7.

9) There is no rule 1110)Dont say something gay, often used in particular company if the one using the rule doesnt

want to actually say dont be gay and thinks the other witnesses would not know what rule 10

is.

11)Rule 9 man, not cool.Also, a word or phrase or meme is not real until defined by urbandictionary.com

12)Anything you say will come back to bite you. Also anything you do for which there is evidenceonline can (and will) be used to mock you.

Example: Failblog is a site for rule 12 stuff.

13)Nothing is sacred.14)Dont feed the trolls, they will win. (anything you say to someone just trying to stir people up

simply means they win, no matter what)

15)The harder you try the harder you will fail.16)There are no girls on the internet.17)If you fail hard enough it might become a win.18)Everything with a label can be hated19)The more you hate it the stronger it gets21)The numbers of the rules are actually random and dont matter.

Example: Rule 8 man! I think you mean rule 9? Rule 21 bro, it doesnt even matter.

24)If it exists someone fears it.25)Relation to the original topic decreases with every new post or update.26)ECBA (Everything can be abbreviated)27)Rules must be short and sweet28)There will always be something more screwed up than what you just saw.

Example: Man, I just saw Saw II, thats messed up! Rule 28, Hostel

29)There is always someone better than you, no exceptions.30)What has been seen cannot be unseen.31)Pics or it didnt happen.

Example: I just saw this squirrel trying to catch a bird Rule 31

34)There is porn of it, no exceptions.35)If there isnt porn of it now, there will be.36)If it exists there is a fetish for it.37)There are no girls on the internet41)The best comebacks occur to you exactly 8 minutes after you need them42)Everything has been pirated or hacked.43)You can find anything on the internet.44)You can find a fake of anything on the internet.

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The list goes on and on and on. But lets imagine the different philosophies that can arise when

considering a government-level implementation of a set of rules like that of the rules of the internet.

First of all there are going to be people who dont think I have my rules right. In fact anyone familiar

with the rules of the internet will have a problem with at least 1 of my rules and nearly al of my rules

will have someone who disagrees with it. Lets call that rule number 39. Then once you do agree to a

set of rules (an unlikely proposition) you have to deal with how to implement them. There are

schools of thought that would go through each rule and find a way to implement it either personally

or socially, there are those who would fight for the total restriction of everything in the rules, there

are literalists, and of course those who would not want the rules government controlled at all.

Lets at last compare some specific examples of misrepresentations of shariah to these rules.

Imagine someone says Ban shariah, theyll force all women to wear a veil! Now apply what you

know about the rules of the internet. First of all, rule 39 says there is someone who doesnt think

the rule youre talking about is correct. So there is someone who doesnt even think the veil is a

shariah issue (turns out thats a fact, there are many who believe this). Next, lets say the specific

people who want to enforce shariah in your country do think the veil is a shariah topic. There aredifferent ways to enforce this, let`s compare with rule 2. Is it the case that when a strange law or

rule is made the government MUST intervene and break the rule, or is it just the case that that

happens by the volition of the people? Similarly, must the government enforce the wearing of the

veil, or is it a personal choice? These questions exist within the scholarly circles that talk about and

implement shariah, it is not monolithic, there is little consensus.

So next time you get some islamophobic nonsense, or hate driven rhetoric thrown at you

remember rule 14. And next time someone tells you about a fatwa or about shariah law remember

rule 39. Peace Be Upon You!