ScreamFree™ Parenting:

Author: Hal Edward Runkel

Broadway Books

September 4th

, 2007

Contact Information:

Rachel Rokicki, Broadway Books

rrokicki@randomhouse.com

212-782-8455

Hal Runkel, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is America’s newest

parenting expert, bringing a powerful, revolutionary approach to parenting that has shown

remarkable results for the many thousands of children and parents he has counseled in his

breakthrough clinical work, and for the tens of thousands of families he has influenced through

his seminars, trainings, workshops and media appearances. His new book provides parents all that

they will need to handle the 21st

century child – without resorting to coercion, force, fear,

begging, bribery – or screaming. It is changing lives everywhere.

ScreamFree™

Parenting

• What kids need most are parents who don’t need them.

• Your kids should not be the most important things in your life.

• As parents, we need to focus on ourselves, grow ourselves up, and calm ourselves

down.

We don’t like to watch our children make mistakes. And we don’t like having to take the time

and energy to enforce the consequences. So instead, we scream, or we get anxious, or we stress

out. We may threaten, negotiate, plead. We hope it works, meaning we hope our screaming or our

anxiety force them to behave the way we need them to. When it doesn’t, we scream or even get

more anxious—and then our screaming becomes the consequence itself. This isn’t working and

everyone knows it. No one is learning or growing through this process, but what else can you do?

“The key to good parenting depends on you, because you are the one you can ultimately control,”

says parenting expert and family therapist, Hal Runkel, LMFT. “If you make sure you behave –

even when your kids misbehave – then you have a greater chance of positively impacting the

situation, any situation. Let’s face it: parenting is the hardest thing you will ever do – but it can

also be the most rewarding.”

By becoming a ScreamFree™ Parent, the new approach to parenting developed by Runkel, you

learn to let go of the need to be the perfect parent with the perfect techniques to raising perfect

kids. “The truth is that you don’t have to know all the right answers at all the right times in order

to be the parent you’ve always wanted to be; you just have to learn to calm down,” says Runkel.

It really is that simple. By learning to focus on calming your own emotional reactivity, you begin

to make decisions out of your highest principles (instead of reacting out of your deepest fears).

And what does this do for your kids? It teaches them to do the same.

Runkel, licensed family therapist and the author of ScreamFree Parenting, shows us:

• What to do when you feel overwhelmed – and how not to flip out.

• How to give your kids peace of mind – and not a piece of your mind.

• How to create physical and emotional space—and place—for your children.

• Rules to keeping your sanity when it comes to disciplining your children.

• How to give your kids enough freedom to make mistakes, or even hate you.

ScreamFree parents are raising their kids to be self-directed: the kids learn to make

their own decisions, and to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

And Mom and Dad are right there with them. Instead of screaming, getting angry or

becoming emotionally reactive when their children make mistakes, ScreamFree Parents

are helping children learn through those consequences, staying calm, cool, and

connected through the whole process.

Runkel, who is also the father of two children, shares with us a fresh and remarkably

effective philosophical approach to parenting that embraces a parent-first frame of

mind—where parents are a guiding influence and a calming authority in the household.

. He understands the pitfalls of parenting and how everyone wants to raise well

balanced, healthy, happy, and successful children.

Runkel exposes a very pivotal truth: that no one, not even your kids, can make you feel

or do anything. They can’t push you over the edge. They are not that powerful. Your

emotional responses are entirely up to you. You always have a choice—your child is

not the keeper of your emotional remote control. Our greatest enemy as parents is not

TV, movies, or the Internet – nor gangs, bad influences, or drugs. For parents, our

enemy is our own emotional reactivity. It always has a knack of creating the very

outcomes, and relationships, we’re trying to avoid.

“Parenting is not about kids, it’s about parents,” declares Runkel. “The greatest thing

we can do for our kids is learn to focus on ourselves. The only way to retain a position

of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves.” But

parenting doesn’t have to be a constant battle. Being ScreamFree creates a fundamental

change in your objective as a parent. To truly be in charge means having the power to

create lasting and continued growth, not just exerting power or demanding obedience.

This means inspiring your children to motivate themselves. This makes for a radical

shift, a shift from controlling your kids’ behavior to influencing their decisions. As a

result, you can reach the ultimate goal of every parent -- to launch your child into

adulthood where he or she is a self-directed, decisive, and responsible person.

“Want to Raise Good Kids? Start by Calming Down” --Dallas Morning News

Hal Runkel, MS, MMFT

ScreamFree™ Parenting Q & A

How did you come to develop ScreamFree™ Parenting? Back in graduate school I

became amazed at the level of existing knowledge on how relationships and family

systems really work. I also became amazed at how most of this great knowledge was

couched in academic language and available only to the most educated therapists. So,

as I learned to work with families, and began to raise a family myself, I searched for

ways to capture the best theoretical concepts and effective principles into the working

language of real families and organizations. I then began to see that any truly helpful

teaching would have to begin with calming our emotional reactivity. “Emotional

Reactivity-Free Parenting” was still too academic, though. ScreamFree Parenting was

born.

You say “emotional reactivity” as a parent can be our biggest enemy. Please

explain what it is and where it comes from. Emotional reactivity is the driving

force behind every bad decision, bad pattern, and bad relationship. It is the

opposite of responding according to our highest principles; it is reacting out of

our deepest fears. Emotional reactivity is what happens when our anxiety gets the

best of us, and we act in ways that are actually contrary to our intentions.

Say a dad wants his son to talk to him about his life, telling him “you can tell me

anything.” This is well-intentioned, principled behavior. However, when his son

begins to tell him how we was recently offered drugs and he’s tempted to take

them, Dad flips out. He demands to know the boy’s name, starts to look through

his son’s room, etc. He has now eliminated himself as a resource for the son, who

might actually run to the drug scene because the friends there are more accepting.

This type of scenario happens every time we get reactive; we actually create the

very outcomes we’re trying to avoid.

What responsibilities do parents have to each of their children? We’re called

to launch our children into adulthood with the best foundation for living an

effective life. We are meant to help them become self-directed adults, capable of

discerning the factors that shape their lives, deciding the direction to take, and

living with the consequences of their decisions. That means our main

responsibility to them is to not be responsible for them. They cannot become

responsible for themselves as long as we consider ourselves responsible for their

life and their choices. We are only responsible for our own lives and our own

choices. We are responsible to our kids for how we manage our emotions, our

relationships. We are responsible to them for how we take care of ourselves. We

are responsible to them for whatever we do to create a home that nurtures their

self-direction.

Why do you say the greatest thing a parent can do for their child is to focus

on themselves, rather than the child? As long as I am focused on my children,

orbiting my whole life around them, then I am putting all of my emotional

responses into their hands. I become dependent upon the least mature persons in

the family to actually lead the family. This is simply backwards. Children are not

given to us to become our whole world. They are here to become self-directed,

contributing adults. Our calling is to create an environment that helps them do

that. This means focusing more on what we’re doing and less on them. How am I

going to behave, regardless of their behavior? I have to focus on me because am

the only one I can ultimately control.

What should a parent do when their child is seemingly out of control? Make

sure they themselves are in the most control possible. So often we focus so much

on the child that we lose control of ourselves, which makes things even worse.

This can occur with the toddler’s tantrum in the restaurant or the teen’s struggles

with promiscuity. Once we’ve brought ourselves under control, however, then it

becomes much easier to respond to our child with wisdom and principled

decisions. Then we can set and enforce consequences. Then we can better

understand what’s emotionally behind our child’s behavior. Most importantly,

we then can see our own role in contributing to our child’s situation.

What do most parents find to be the hardest part about parenting? The

hardest thing for most of us is realizing that our children are separate human

beings. This means having to accept that our kids will continuously make

decisions we simply do not want them to make. Does that mean we practice some

sort of hands-off, aloof parenting? Not at all. It means that all our interaction with

our kids, indeed our whole relationship with each of them, is like interacting with

a stranger we’re just getting to know. Having a deep respect for our child’s

otherness, their differentness, greatly helps us to remain calm and connected at

the same time. It’s when we begin to assume a certain right over our child’s

space that we begin to push them into the very choices we’re hoping they avoid.

How did your view of parenting change once you became a parent? There’s

an old saying that everyone has great parenting theories, and then they have kids.

I did not even begin to develop the ScreamFree approach until I was in training

to become a therapist, and by then I already had both of my kids. I sometimes

shudder to think about what my parenting would have been like without my

training. And that’s a thought that compels me to share the ScreamFree Parenting

vision with every parent on the planet; the vast majority of us are operating in the

dark. People aren’t kidding when they lament that there’s no instructions that

come with a baby, they’re desperately serious!

So how do you bring yourself under control when your kid seems to be out

of control? How do you calm down? Alcohol. And medication (just kidding). If

we wait until the heat of the moment, without making some serious changes to

our thinking and our patterns, then there’s little hope of creating lasting change.

We’ll just have to resort to pale anger management techniques, like counting to

ten or snapping a rubber band. The ScreamFree way is about making some

revolutionary shifts. And choosing to focus on ourselves is the first and most

important shift. And when it comes to making such a shift, people do not need a

“how to” as much as they need a “why to.” My hope is to provide enough vision

to prompt people to truly investigate the “whys” behind their parenting choices,

well before the heat of the moment.

What do you see as the paradox of parenting? We know that parents are a

critical element in shaping the future of kids’ lives. And yet we also know that

for kids to lead the most effective lives, they have to grow themselves into the

most critical element in shaping the future of their lives. So, we have a paradox:

Parents shape kids, and kids shape themselves. This is why we have so much

confusion about the childhood roots of adult dysfunction. Are you a victim of

your parents’ bad choices? Yes, we all are. Are you yet responsible for your own

choices? Yes, we all are. Both are true, and that creates the paradox. The only

way out is to begin with yourself, right now. How do you want to relate with

your kids, regardless of your past influences and their present behavior?

Which situations tend to push parents to react the way they do? The number

one complaint of so many parents is “they just won’t listen to me!” And my

response is always the same. Yes, they do. They hear every word you say. It’s

not that they aren’t listening; it’s that they aren’t obeying. We simply do not

know what to do when our children choose to disobey us, or deliberately ignore

us, or make a ridiculous choice that we know will backfire. And it drives us nuts.

How much privacy should a child have a right to? This is a great question, and

there is no “right” answer. What is most important is asking the question,

because that begins to spur the type of thinking that creates healthy space. Just

asking the question begins to stir within us the idea that our child is a different

human being, a separate person, with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are

simply not our own. I talk at length about creating space for our children, space

for them to discover themselves and become self-directed. Beginning to create

and then respect their privacy is a critical step.

What is the hardest part about extending more and more space to a child?

The hardest part about creating space for our child is simple: we don’t know what

they’re going to do with it. Are we giving them just enough rope to hang

themselves, or are they going to respond by making authentic choices that have

positive results? If we respect some of their space to make their own decisions,

whether it’s about their feelings or their allowance, then we have to live with

those choices. And those choices could lead to a terrible mistake!! (from our

perspective). What I’ve come to appreciate, by learning to calm my own anxiety,

is the joy of watching them make their own decisions. I get to watch them think

through a decision, like whether to continue yelling even though they know

timeout is coming, or whether to spend their own money on a whimsical

purchase. These are learning experiences that I simply could not teach them

through my words or even my example.

Does your style of parenting work best on a six-year-old or a sixteen-year-

old? Why? ScreamFree parenting is for parents of all ages with kids of all ages

because it is not about kids, it’s about parents. It’s about learning to focus on how

I want to respond, regardless of the age of my child. Now, obviously my

response is going to change as my children grow up. I say “Let the Consequences

Do the Screaming,” which emphasizes granting your child the space to make her

own choices and learn from the consequences of those choices. How much space

you grant her depends on her age and maturity at the time as well as the specific

circumstance. When she’s six, for instance, you are not going to let her learn the

consequence of playing in the street by letting her get hit by a car. But when

she’s sixteen she’ll be driving in the street, with many lessons to be learned

through experience. But there are plenty of opportunities for a six year old to

learn through space as well. Regardless of the age of our children, the principles

are the same, because it’s about us, not them.

How did your parents raise you? To be honest, my childhood was far from

ideal. My parents went through (and took us through) a very messy divorce.

There were other traumatic elements in there as well. What I’ve come to believe

is that my parents did the best they could with what they had available. This does

not excuse them, because, frankly, their best was not nearly good enough. But it

does explain them in a way that has helped me come to a place of understanding,

forgiveness, and now, mutual respect. I now cherish my relationships with both

of my parents. We have talked at length through so many issues, and I have come

to a place of humility because I now know how incredibly difficult it is to be

married and raise a family. I also find myself imitating them and the good things

they did as parents.

How might one’s family change when the parent stops resisting his child and

starts going with his momentum? Whenever we resist our child, we anxiously

are trying to employ some power method over them. And this naturally

encourages their own defensiveness in return. When a parent stops this initial

resistance, however, amazing things begin to occur. A child simply doesn’t know

what to do when a parent doesn’t immediately react. He says “This is boring!”

and his mom responds with empathy, “That stinks. What are you going to do

about it?” This puts the ball back in his court; he can’t fault his mom for his

boredom. Initially, he may double his efforts to rope mom in. But as she

continues to go with the flow, he begins to develop resources that surprise even

mom. He entertains himself, or does his own homework, or cleans his own room.

In short, he starts to become self-directed.

Why should we avoid attaching labels to our children? Why does becoming

a ScreamFree™ Parent mean taking a very hard look at our own anxiety-

driven need to label our child’s tendencies and predict our child’s destiny?

Whenever we label our kids (a good girl, a follower, smart, athletic, pretty,

sweet, a troublemaker), it is always borne out of our anxious need to predict and

categorize. Somehow it helps us feel a little better whenever we can attach some

known category. That way we feel as if we “know” our child like no one else.

What we miss is how powerful those labels can be in actually restricting our

child’s space to be anything different. A child who’s labeled smart has to always

live up to that (and cannot make a mistake). A child labeled a troublemaker

continues to behave so because everyone around him begins to expect it.

How do you balance protecting your kids from life’s dangers and yet

exposing them to life’s lessons? This is the central question that governs the

balance of space and place. It is my responsibility to my kids to grant them both.

That means I have to respect the area over their life that is totally theirs. That

means I also have to let them know what area of their life is not up to them,

where their space ends. This is their place. This means discerning when to let

them taste the full brunt of their decisions and when to soften the blow, or when

to disallow them the possibility of making certain, more life changing, decisions.

This is finding the balance of protection and exposure. The tricky part is that

there is no “correct” answer. The key is to continually ask the question with each

new situation, with each kid, at every age.

What are some mistakes you would actually like to see your child commit? I

believe mistakes are the path to wisdom for those willing to be decisive. Being

decisive means taking charge of your own life, and that means making both good

and bad decisions. Both are educational and both get your life moving. So, I like

for my children to make mistakes that teach them without hurting too much. Like

spending too much of their allowance on a frivolous item. Or leaving their

belongings out at night, only to find them stolen the next day. Or yelling at me or

my wife and discovering that we have feelings that can get hurt. Or learning that

correcting their friends in public makes them very unpopular. These are

experiences that penetrate their development and indelibly shape their future

decisions.

Why is “friendship parenting” not a healthy model? I am not of the belief that

we should never be friends with our kids. We love our kids, and love to be

around our kids (sometimes). We even begin to learn from our kids. This has all

the makings of a good friendship, as long as it is borne of desire, not need. But

when our own need for friendship infects our parenting relationship, we begin to

erode our own authority. We shoot ourselves in the foot when we need our

children to like us, to want to be around us, and to learn from us. At that point we

cannot make principled decisions. What our children need most is for us to not

need them. That way they are free to explore all the ranges of human emotions

without needing to make us feel good. And that frees us to make unpopular, yet

principled, decisions.

If you don’t scream or lose control on occasion, how is a child to know his or

her limits and understand which issue or behaviors really are taboo? Part of

the problem is that once you start down the path of reactivity, you begin to get

short term results. The kids eventually comply just to avoid the parent’s wrath.

But soon the parent has to escalate their reactivity to get the same compliance.

This is not a method for building a lasting relationship of positive influence.

When these parents hear of the ScreamFree path, they initially protest: “If I don’t

scream, then they won’t ever listen to me!” The business side of parenting calls

for us to let our child know his place. This means setting and enforcing limits to

their choices. When the child inevitably crosses the line, that’s the time to “Let

the Consequences Do the Screaming.” I don’t need to scream when there are

logical consequences to do the “limits teaching” job for me.

What do you commonly find your clients are overwhelmed by when it comes

to being a parent? The biggest stress about being a parent seems to be the very

nature of raising independent creatures, with minds and lives of their own.

Despite all of our manipulative control and reactive measures we take, our

children still defy us and make decisions we wish they wouldn’t make. And we

don’t know what to do about it except try harder to control them. Which, of

course, makes things worse. Add to this daily consternation all the stresses of life

(especially marriage!), and you’ve got the makings for an overwhelmed parent.

What’s amazing about what I do, though, is that I get to see amazing

transformations occur throughout the whole family when parents simply choose

to focus on themselves and calm down.

Hal Runkel, MS, LMFT

ScreamFree Parenting

Biography

Hal Edward Runkel, MS, MMFT, LMFT, is America’s newest expert on family

relationships.

A licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship coach, seminar speaker,

and organizational consultant, Hal is the founder and president of ScreamFree

Living, Inc., and the author of a new book, ScreamFree Parenting.

He is the father of two children, Hannah and Brandon, and practices at home

what he’s preached to hundreds of parenting patients and families.

Hal, with two masters’ degrees, has taken the most advanced approaches to

family relationship theory and, through thousands of hours of family and child

therapy, developed the revolutionary ScreamFree Living methodology to

revitalize relationships and bring a renewed sense of joy, love, and care to

families. Hal now presents the ScreamFree relationship programs to audiences

nationwide through teleconferences, Web seminars, newsletters, and training

classes.

Over the past 5 years, Hal has had multiple media appearances on television and

radio and and been written up in hundreds of newspapers and magazines. Among

his many appearances are:

• Four times on NBC’s The Today Show

• Two appearances on The 700 Club

• Two years as the weekly “Therapist” on CW Network’s The Daily Buzz

• Regular guest on NBC’s Nationally Syndicated iVillage Live

• Dozens of appearances on top TV stations in markets nationwide,

including View from the Bay, Good Things Utah, Good Day, Good Morning

Texas, Fox’s Good Day Dallas, Good Day Atlanta.

• Weekly guest on Salt Lake City’s number 1 radio station, KZHT FM

• Twice on nationally syndicated The Bob and Sheri Show

• Hundreds of guest appearances on radio stations nationwide

National print media coverage included articles in Good Housekeeping and

Woman’s Day among others.

Hal, with his wife Jenny, has recently launched a weekly radio show on

America’s top AM talk radio station, News-Talk AM750 WSB Radio in Atlanta.

ScreamFree Radio is currently broadcasted in the Atlanta market.

He has presented education workshops on various subjects at regional, national,

and international conferences, as well as a variety of church/community settings.

Subjects include: organizational dynamics, addictive behaviors, parenting skills,

anger management, psychological and human systems assessment, and small

group and team processes. He’s spoken before the Christian Association for

Psychological Studies, the Texas Association for Marriage & Family Therapy

Annual Conference, and other leading organizations and events.

Hal is a member of the Family Firm Institute, the American Association for

Marriage and Family Therapy, and the Georgia Association for Marriage and

Family Therapy. Before starting ScreamFree Living, Hal served as a staff

therapist and director of education for the Covenant Counseling Institute in

Snellville, Georgia.

The Houston native and Greater Atlanta resident earned his Masters in Marriage

and Family Therapy (MMFT) in August 2000 from Abilene Christian University.

His M.S. in Theological Studies was awarded in 1998.

Hal is raising his children with his wife of 14 years, Jenny.

For more information, please consult: www.screamfree.com

8 Ways To Create Space For

Each Of Your Children “Children need physical space and emotional space,” says Hal Runkel, LMFT,

author of ScreamFree Parenting. “Without space to learn their own likes and

dislikes, without space to make their own mistakes, our kids continue to live a

borrowed life and it leaves them with but two choices—fight against everyone’s

efforts to determine their life (the rebellious child) or simply defer to everyone

around them (the passive, robotic child).”

When you are ready to start calming your own anxiety and creating more space

for your children, Hal offers these practical ways:

1. Respect their space and privacy. Starting as soon as you can calm

your anxiety about letting them close the door to their room, make it a

practice to always ask or knock before entering their room (or if they’re in

the bathroom), and wait to hear their response. If they say “No,” then tell

them you’ll come back later and ask again.

2. Calm your anxiety about their messy room. If it is “their” room, then

let them keep it the way they want. Tell them that twice a year, for

biological reasons, the entire house is going to be thoroughly cleansed and

that includes their room. In between those times, let their room be theirs.

3. Respect their choices. Give your child an allowance appropriate for her

age and then let her spend it any way she chooses. Even if you can only

afford a single cent, it is the principle that counts. Go ahead and teach her

about different options (investing, spending, giving), but don’t expect her

to take care of her money any better than you do. When we give our

children money, we give up the right to determine how that money is used.

It isn’t really theirs if we’re going to tell them how to spend it.

4. Calm your anxiety by giving up your need to know how they feel.

Most of the time, kids simply do not know how they feel (the same is true

for most adults). Your anxious need for them to know just makes it more

difficult. Paradoxically, the less you need to know, the more they end up

telling you. This doesn’t mean neglect any concern about their feelings—

this is about being calm and connected at the same time. So inquire about

their feelings and show interest in helping them learn to express

themselves. But let go of your need to make sure they feel the “right” way,

which is nothing more than the way you think they should feel and is

usually about your anxiety about your own feelings.

5. Similarly, give up your need to know “why.” Asking any child, from

toddler to teenager, to account for his motivation at the time of his mistake

is a fruitless exercise. He simply does not know most of the time. And your

need to know is much more about you than it is about him. Again, learn to

be interested without being anxious, and you’ll be amazed at what your

kids will tell you.

6. Let them struggle. Always answering your child’s questions, or

constantly telling your child what to do to solve a problem, is denying that

child the chance to develop her own skills of discovery and innovation.

First ask her what she thinks should be done. Find out what she’s basing

her conclusions on. Stay calm no matter what, even when they’re hurting.

While staying close by, let them hurt and begin to figure things out for

themselves. And again, prepare to be amazed.

7. Allow your kids to disagree with you and learn to respect their

arguments. This is incredibly difficult for anxious parents, but allowing

(and even encouraging) your child to disagree with you creates a profound

mutual respect in the parent/child relationship.

8. Rarely look your kids in the eye when talking with them. I know this

sounds absurd and even heretical. Eye-to-eye conversations are incredibly

intimate, however, and bring about high levels of vulnerability. Thus,

these types of conversations lend themselves to patterns of intimidation

and defensiveness. Yes, there are times, sweet and nurturing as well as

stern and serious, when it is very helpful to address eye to eye. But these

times are rare. Use them sparingly. Often the most intimate conversations

between a parent and child occur while doing a common activity, be it

driving, shopping, fishing, or playing a game.

Can You Be A ScreamFree™ Parent? ScreamFree™ Parenting shifts the focus of our parenting with one simple

principle, that parenting is not about the child, it is about the parents. A new

parenting author suggests that by choosing to focus on ourselves, grow ourselves

up, and calm ourselves down, we no longer relate with our children out of our

deepest fears, but rather our of our highest principles.

“The vast majority of parenting books and seminars are child-focused and

technique-oriented,” says Hal Runkel, LMFT, “centering on how to change your

child’s heart, behavior, etc. The problem with this material is it just exacerbates

the problem. Parents get reactively focused on their kids. ScreamFree™

Parenting is worlds away from the ordinary parenting material. “

Parents seeking to unburden themselves and to instead empower themselves,

seek out this style of parenting. Parents see their roles and their family

relationships in a new dynamic, as a result.

Essentially, to stay in control of your emotions is the basis for ScreamFree™

Parenting. “Sure it’s easier said than done,” says Rankel, author of a new book,

ScreamFree™ Parenting, “but this hard work pays off.”

So how does the ScreamFree™ Parenting raise responsible, loving, and faith-

filled children? Here are six key points:

1. Give your child physical and emotional space -- see children as individuals

in their own right, with their own lives, decisions, and futures.

2. Don’t preach or threaten—let the consequences of a child’s choice do the

screaming.

3. Be an advocate for your child’s development and evolution.

4. Change your vocabulary—don’t label children or pigeonhole how they see

themselves. Labels can be very destructive—avoid them at all costs.

5. See yourself as being responsible to your children—not for them.

6. Know that the greatest thing you as a parent can do for your kids is learn

to focus on yourself.

He notes kids want parents to remain unflappable even when they flip out.

“By calming down and still remaining connected to your kids, you begin to

operate less out of your deepest fears and more out of your highest principles,

transforming your relationships in the process,” says Runkel.

4 Rules To Keeping Your Sanity

When It Comes To Discipline “Being consistent as a parent will help maintain stability in your world,” says Hal

Runkel, LMFT, and the author of ScreamFree™ Parenting. ”Be consistent and

it becomes easier to remain ScreamFree. And in turn, remaining ScreamFree

makes it easier to remain consistent.” Here are some principles to help guide your

way:, especially when it comes to disciplining your child:

1. Don’t Ever Set a Consequence That Is Tougher For You To Enforce

Than It Is For Them to Endure. How serious can you possibly be by

grounding your teen-age daughter for two months? Are you crazy? Do you

really think it’s possible to baby-sit her that long? When we overextend

ourselves, it becomes that much easier to cave in when the emotional

pressure hits. And thus, we break our promises and we break the finely knit

fabric of trust.

2. There Are No Shortcuts To Setting Or Enforcing Consequences.

Providing consistent discipline for our children is always time-consuming,

sometimes exhausting and never done from afar. That’s right, it’s supposed

to be difficult. Reflect on the times when you have been consistent, when you

have followed through. I guarantee you’ve been able to do it more than you

think you have. Keep it going.

3. Only Choose Consequences You Are Willing to Enforce. What you do

is not nearly as important as how and why. A ScreamFree Parent never does

something she doesn’t want to do. You are an adult and you make every

choice you make. If you spank without wanting to, then you need to focus on

yourself some more. Why would you choose consequence for your child if

you did not want to choose it? Because he needed it? For what? Behavior

modification? To calm him down? To show him who’s boss? Again, I’m not

saying spanking is necessarily bad. I’m saying in order for any enforced

consequence to have its desired effect, it needs to come from the solid,

principled decision of its enforcer. If you’re wishy-washy about spanking,

that will get communicated very clearly.

4. Only Choose Consequences You Are Willing To Endure Yourself. We

cannot expect our kids to handle the consequences of their choices any better

than we do. So often we anxiously want our kids to learn lessons we have yet

to master. Welcoming consequences into your home means welcoming them

for yourself, and even letting your kids watch. Take your kids to traffic court

and let them watch you take your medicine from the judge. I promise it

becomes easier to enforce consequences when you yourself know how

beneficial they can be for your own growth.

Ask Hal

Below are typical situations parents confront every day across America. Hal

Runkel, LMFT, and author of ScreamFree™ Parenting, shows us how to

implement a ScreamFree™ solution.

I want my child to feel she can see me as a friend but I at the same time I

need to wear other hats such as the disciplinarian. How can I balance the

two? This refers to Jamie Rasor’s two sides of parenting: the personal side

(loving affection, play, sharing feelings) and the business side (scheduling,

discipline, negotiating privileges). Both sides are vital to a great parenting

relationship, and thus both sides must be present within each parent. The way to

balance the two begins with focusing on you. What do you like about the

personal side? Is there an emotional need you are seeking there? What’s the

hardest part about the business side? Do you fear she won’t like you as much?

One key is realizing that your kids not only need both sides from you, they are

actually seeking both from you. They don’t want you to just be affectionate, they

want you to provide structure. Another key is keeping the two sides separate. A

business transaction (like enforcing a disciplinary action) is not cause for you

getting so upset that you can’t be around her. Let her know, through your calm,

that her misbehavior demands discipline but it doesn’t mean you’re angry. When

you exercise both roles separately, you’ll be amazed at the mutually respectful

relationship growing between you.

My nine-year old child doesn’t seem to make doing his homework a priority.

Sometimes he misses deadlines on assignments. I just want to sit there and

watch that he completes his schoolwork. Is this the best strategy? Not if you

want his homework to become his priority. The homework battle seems to plague

every house in the world. This is because we as a society put so much stock in

the education process. But the problem has very little to do with school.

Homework just happens to provide a very convenient territory on which to battle

for control. Whose life is this? That’s the real question here. We parents are

reluctant to give over this area of life to our children because we fear they will

never take it as seriously as they need to (or we need them to).

We then allow this fear to shape our vision of the future, wondering if they’ll

ever get an education, if they’ll ever get a job, and so on. So, we think, we had

better nip this lack of motivation thing right in the bud, right now, by forcing

them to do homework and get good grades, even if it means hovering over them

every night until they’re eighteen! What inevitably happens, however, is that we

actually prevent them from ever adopting their education as their own. As long as

we feel responsible for them and their education (which we equate with their

whole future!), then they never feel responsible for themselves. But when we can

calm our anxiety about their school, then we can be responsible to them in new

ways.

This means offering to help but only if they request it. This means inquiring

about progress but in the same way we might ask a friend about how their job is

going. This means pursuing our own life and our own continuing education.

My 14-year-old has begun to get out with his friends a lot and I don’t feel

like we talk as much as we used to. And when we do talk we seem to argue

or clash. How can I improve things? Your son is beginning to launch away

from you into adulthood. This can be a dizzying time for everyone involved. One

minute a teen can be shyly dependent, and another minute later openly defiant.

One minute a parent can be excited about his child’s development, and the next

scared to death. What’s important is for you to calmly realize what’s happening:

your son is launching out on his own. The last thing he needs is a parent who

anxiously needs him to stay young. Right now he sees you as an enemy of his

launching process. What needs to happen is for you to become the architect of it.

How can you encourage him toward more freedom and responsibility? While

never caving on what boundaries you believe are necessary, how can you

increase his freedom within those boundaries?

Believe it or not, the best way you can do that is to begin to focus more on

yourself. He’s growing up; what are you starting to pursue with your increasing

free time, now that he doesn’t require as much supervision? What plans are you

beginning to make for your life as he begins to leave?

My 11-year-old tends to leave her door shut, spending hours on the phone or

doing who knows what. Should I force her to keep the door open? What is

your greatest fear about the closed door? Drugs? Internet predators? Are these

fears justified? Have you seen signs that she’s getting into trouble? If so, then

address those concerns in a calm conversation while shopping.

What’s ironic is the more you worry about it, though, the more it will become a

problem. What can you do to actually celebrate her newfound sense of privacy?

In a ScreamFree way, make a simple comment that you think it’s great that she

values her room and having her own space. No questions about it, no lingering to

see her response. Just make the observation, that’s it. You might be amazed at

both her confusion over your respect and her new desire to let you into more of

her life. Again, it’s critical to become the force behind our child’s burgeoning

individuality, not the force against it.

What can I do about my eight-year-old son, who cannot seem to go to bed on

time without him throwing a temper tantrum? The thing about bedtime is that

it comes at the end of the day (duh, right?). What that means is that when we are

at our most exhausted, they are, too. So, when we most need them to go to bed

(so we can have a few moments of peace and quiet), they are at their most

reactively independent (you cannot make me sleep!!). Naturally, we have

competing interests here.

Just recognizing this will help you understand the situation, and give you a

clearer head about what to do. It will also help you withstand the tantrum. When

the tantrum no longer bothers you, it will no longer captivate him (he’ll probably

move on to other stall tactics). What is usually the thing to do in a situation like

that is the thing we least want to do, slow down. Slow down your speech, your

movements, lower your volume. If you want to set some consequences for not

going to bed on time, then do so calmly. If you want to grant him some space to

stay up in his bed, do so without regret or resentment. The goal here is to not let

his tantrum create one of your own, but rather respond in a calm and connected

way.

My teen-age son is beginning to talk back and use language I don’t want to

hear. How do I get him to speak in a respectful tone? You don’t, because you

can’t get him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. And that’s what you really

want; you want him to decide on his own not to talk that way. So here’s the

question to ask yourself: Why would he want to change and start talking more

respectfully? What would motivate him to do so?

If you’re able to do so with calm curiosity, then ask him that very question.

Reveal to him your confusion about his new language and tone and ask him what

he gets out of it. What is most critical is not his reply, however, but rather your

tone. Ask him in an anxious, need to know manner and you’ll just create more of

the same attitude. Ask him with calm interest, however, like you would ask a

new friend, and you’ll create the possibility for something different.

Your son is a unique human being from you, and he is making a choice to speak

in a way that you both know irritates you. Inquire about it with genuine curiosity,

let go of your need to change him, and watch how he evolves. You might be

amazed at what happens next.

My youngest daughter can’t seem to get anywhere on time. I just want to

schedule her day for her but then I feel exhausted looking after her every

hour of the day. What should I do? Sounds like you’ve been doing some good

thinking about this, because you realize you cannot run her life without

exhausting yours. So ask yourself a question—how did you learn to be punctual?

Most likely it came through experience, the negative consequences of being late

and the positive results of organized living. So what is getting in the way of your

daughter learning those same experiential lessons?

Most likely, it’s your own anxious need to make her punctual. This has

undoubtedly become a battle between the two of you, which means it’s not really

about being late. This battle is about whose life belongs to whom. Your daughter

is exercising a form of power over her own life (stalling) that is drastically

affecting your life. Since you both have to be somewhere at a certain time, her

stalling creates problems for everyone involved. This is an immature power

struggle, not a personality defect.

The first step is learning to calm your anxiety about her choices (letting her learn

of the negative consequences of being late, be it missed school or delayed fun

times). The second is to concentrate more on your own schedule than hers. This

doesn’t mean ignoring her needs, but it does mean refusing to compromise

yourself in order to accommodate for her tardiness.

Our two children – one is 8, the other 10 – have questioned everything of

late. They won’t even go to church with us. I don’t want to force religion on

them but I feel they’re missing out. How should I proceed? You actually

sound less anxious than most parents facing this dilemma. Some anxiously

religious parents simply cannot handle questions from their kids. They view such

questions as nothing less than threats to the family’s way of life, so they redouble

their efforts to get their children to believe (or at least attend without a fuss).

The best thing parents can do is pursue their own spiritual growth and worry less

about their child’s. Only then can parents become a sought-after resource for

their children as they struggle with faith, doubt, and questioning all of existence.

And that should be the goal: becoming a trusted guide through the struggles of

life, one who allows, even encourages questioning and experimentation within

certain boundaries. So applaud your kids’ doubts and genuinely listen and try to

learn from them as separate travelers on the earth. Showing them that respect,

while calmly pursuing your own growth, will blow them away.

ScreamFree™ Parenting Excerpts

What Kids Need

“What every kid wants are parents who can keep their cool, even when things get

hot. Kids want parents who are far less anxious and far more level headed than

they are. Your kids want you to remain unflappable, even when they flip out. As

it turns out, that’s exactly what they need.”

Parenting Paradox

“So we have a paradox. Parents shape their children. Children shape themselves.

Both are true. My answer to this paradox is not to eliminate it, but rather embrace

it by changing one small preposition. We are not responsible for our children; we

are responsible to them.”

Let Children Choose

“Children are not machines or pets and parents are neither their operators nor

their owners. When it comes to relationships, we cannot ever guarantee or control

that end we desire. While working toward the end, we must let go of the need to

achieve it. That’s the paradox and this is frustrating…The more I focus on the

results I desire, the less chance my child has of authentically choosing that result

for herself. The more it becomes my goal, the less room she has to discover her

own goal.

Be a Calming Authority

“As you become a calming authority, your influence begins to shift. Instead of

shaping your family system with your anxiety, creating the kind of relationships

you’re hoping to avoid, you begin to influence with the absence of your anxiety.

Your calm presence empowers you to become more available as an inspiration to

your child, which engenders profound levels of trust and influence.”

Give ‘em Place and Space

“Place let us know where our freedom stops and someone else’s freedom begins.

Boundaries are both freeing and limiting. In fact, freedom without limitation

would be disastrous. Space without place would be anarchy, no rules, no way to

determine right or wrong, no means of discerning good guys from bad guys, no

possibility of protection against predators, no way to order life at all. On the other

hand, place without space has no allowance for free choice, emotional

expression, disagreement or exploration.”

Avoid Emotional Reactivity

“Let me say that again: emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to

heaving great relationships. If you don’t get anything else from this book, get

this: our biggest struggle as parents is not with the television; it’s not with bad

influences; it’s not even with drugs or alcohol. Our biggest struggle as parents is

with our own emotional reactivity. That’s why this greatest thing we can do for

our kids is learn to focus on us, not them. Let’s concentrate on what we can

control – calming our own emotional, knee-jerk reactions.”