seven legged starfish- c.a. mullinsdocshare04.docshare.tips/files/26362/263623954.pdf · 2019. 9....

Seven Legged Starfish- C.A. MullinsUploaded by CAMullins

A trashy novella about a talking starfish. That's aboutall you need to know. Full description

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Share Principles: Life and

WorkPrinciples: Lifeand Work

The IntelligentInvestor, Rev. Ed

SEVEN LEGGED STARFISHSEVEN LEGGED STARFISH

C.A. MullinsC.A. Mullins

Bottlecap PressBottlecap Press



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II

He is a se&en le''e( star)is*. He scuttles si(elon' across a se+er 'rate inHe is a se&en le''e( star)is*. He scuttles si(elon' across a se+er 'rate in

Bellin'*a, -as*in'ton ello+is* appen(a'es scrapin' t*e ,etal /ars inBellin'*a, -as*in'ton ello+is* appen(a'es scrapin' t*e ,etal /ars in

sets o) si0 as t+o o) t*e le's c*i,e in unison1 clin2 clin2 clin2 clin2 scratc*sets o) si0 as t+o o) t*e le's c*i,e in unison1 clin2 clin2 clin2 clin2 scratc*

clin2 clin2 clin2 clin2 clin2 scratc* clin2. A t*in laer o) 'ri,e coats *isclin2 clin2 clin2 clin2 clin2 scratc* clin2. A t*in laer o) 'ri,e coats *is

spi2 e0terior as t*e tin tu/ules on *is un(ersi(e pull a'ainst t*e /arsspi2 e0terior as t*e tin tu/ules on *is un(ersi(e pull a'ainst t*e /ars

eac* one suctionin' at (ust an( iron an( lettin' 'o propellin' t*e +*oleeac* one suctionin' at (ust an( iron an( lettin' 'o propellin' t*e +*ole

creature )or+ar(. He (e&ours t*e ,icroor'anis,s t*at in*a/it t*e streetscreature )or+ar(. He (e&ours t*e ,icroor'anis,s t*at in*a/it t*e streets

+it* *is toot* ,out* an( lea&es a trail o) sli,e /e*in( *i, stretc*in' )or+it* *is toot* ,out* an( lea&es a trail o) sli,e /e*in( *i, stretc*in' )or

,iles )ro, t*e (ar2est (ept*s o) t*e sea +*ere no ,an *as seen. E&er,iles )ro, t*e (ar2est (ept*s o) t*e sea +*ere no ,an *as seen. E&er

inc* *e tra&els anot*er inc* o) pristine oo3e (ra''in' )ore&er. He is aninc* *e tra&els anot*er inc* o) pristine oo3e (ra''in' )ore&er. He is an

in)inite /ein' )ro, an et*ereal plane. He e0ists in se&en (i,ensions t+o o)in)inite /ein' )ro, an et*ereal plane. He e0ists in se&en (i,ensions t+o o)

+*ic* o&erlap an( ou can i,a'ine i) ou coul( see in all (i,ensions ou+*ic* o&erlap an( ou can i,a'ine i) ou coul( see in all (i,ensions ou

+oul( see t*is sa,e clin2 clin2 clin2 clin2 scratc* clin2 +oul( see t*is sa,e clin2 clin2 clin2 clin2 scratc* clin2 screec*in' (o+n toscreec*in' (o+n to

t*e tin particles *e4s ,a(e o) +*ose 'ra&itational pulls suc2 an( suc2t*e tin particles *e4s ,a(e o) +*ose 'ra&itational pulls suc2 an( suc2

)ro, one en( o) t*e uni&erse to t*e ot*er an( t*e se&en le's t*at pull e&er)ro, one en( o) t*e uni&erse to t*e ot*er an( t*e se&en le's t*at pull e&er

clclososer er to to e&e&erer ,o,olelecucule le in in t*t*e e ununi&i&ererse se cocoalalesesce ce in in a a )i)ininite te spsp

so,e+*ere near t*e /us station /ut not 5uite +it*in spittin' (istance.so,e+*ere near t*e /us station /ut not 5uite +it*in spittin' (istance.

T*eT*ere is re is an apple tree an( a an apple tree an( a streastrea, +it* )our , +it* )our (uc2(uc2s. T*e t*ir( (uc2 )ro,s. T*e t*ir( (uc2 )ro,



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inclu(e t*e in'estion o) t*e rotten apple )les* t*at stains t*e si(e+al2. Heinclu(e t*e in'estion o) t*e rotten apple )les* t*at stains t*e si(e+al2. He

*as 'ro+n tire( o) /rine. T*e (uc2s s+i, in an e0pan(in' spiral per)ectl*as 'ro+n tire( o) /rine. T*e (uc2s s+i, in an e0pan(in' spiral per)ectl

lateral +it* one anot*er an( t*e tin +a&es t*at e0pan( /eneat* t*e,lateral +it* one anot*er an( t*e tin +a&es t*at e0pan( /eneat* t*e,

,eet e0actl in t*e ,i((le in a tin spout o) /rac2is* 'reen +ater t*at,eet e0actl in t*e ,i((le in a tin spout o) /rac2is* 'reen +ater t*at

oscillates up an( (o+n s*rin2in' +it* eac* splas* li2e a pin' pon' /alloscillates up an( (o+n s*rin2in' +it* eac* splas* li2e a pin' pon' /all

/o/oununcicin' n' on on a a tata/l/le. e. T*T*e e ststarar)i)is* s* +a+atctc*e*es s anan( ( 5u5uicic2l2l (i(i'e'eststs s

)er,ente( su'ars o) t*e rottin' apple into e&en ,ore sli,e t*ou'* it)er,ente( su'ars o) t*e rottin' apple into e&en ,ore sli,e t*ou'* it

c*an'es color +it* eac* ne+ ,eal. At t*e /otto, o) t*e sea it is /lac2 an(c*an'es color +it* eac* ne+ ,eal. At t*e /otto, o) t*e sea it is /lac2 an(

t*e trail s*i)ts +it* t*e color o) t*e +orl( aroun( it li2e t*e colors o) t*et*e trail s*i)ts +it* t*e color o) t*e +orl( aroun( it li2e t*e colors o) t*e

+orl( *a&e /een s,u('e( )ro, t*e in)inite (ept*s to t*e +et concrete o)+orl( *a&e /een s,u('e( )ro, t*e in)inite (ept*s to t*e +et concrete o)

BelBellinlin'*a'*a,. ,. T*e T*e (uc(uc2s 2s )l )l o))o)) all all to'to'et*et*er er an( an( t*e t*e stastar)ir)is* s* concontintin

(i'(i'estestin'in' sucsuc2in2in' ' s5us5uee3ee3in' in' )or)or+a+ar( r( in in t*e t*e rairain. n. It It )ee)eels ls li2li2e e t*et*ere re

soso,e,et*t*in' in' /e/e*i*in( n( *i*i, , pupus*s*inin' ' *i*i, , a+a+aa a a ,a,a'n'netetic ic ,o,ononopopole le

ne'ati&e in)init repellin' *i, )ro, t*e (eep e&er slo+l to+ar( not ne'ati&e in)init repellin' *i, )ro, t*e (eep e&er slo+l to+ar( not

t*ere is ant*in' *e is ,o&in' to /ut *e *ea(s in t*e (irection o) to+ar(t*ere is ant*in' *e is ,o&in' to /ut *e *ea(s in t*e (irection o) to+ar(

eac* secon( 6ust a little closer to t*e /rin2 eac* secon( 6ust a little closer to t*e /rin2 t*at lies on t*e ot*er en(.t*at lies on t*e ot*er en(.

He /e'an *is li)e *o+ all star)is* (o as a polp at t*e /e'innin' o) ti,eHe /e'an *is li)e *o+ all star)is* (o as a polp at t*e /e'innin' o) ti,e

)lo)loatinatin' ' t*rt*rou'ou'* * spaspace ce a,a,assiassin' n' **(ro(ro'en 'en 'as'as an( li2e an( li2e ,an,an o) o)

co,patriots *e )aile( t*e test o) t*er,onuclear )usion as *(ro'en +asco,patriots *e )aile( t*e test o) t*er,onuclear )usion as *(ro'en +as



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t*e clou(. -*en a star)is* turns out to /e a (u( e&ert*in' e&er+*ere

resonates +it* t*is uni&ersal rasp/err soun( to s*a,e t*e star)is* into

reclusion at t*e /otto, o) t*e (ar2est /it o) s2 *e can )in( an( it 6ust so

*appens t*at )or t*is star)is* an( ,an ot*ers t*at (ar2est /it o) s2 rests

un(erneat* ,iles o) +ater an( salt an( s*it an( )les* an( /ones o) alien

creatures t*at +a''le aroun( li2e ton'ues tastin' t*e /rin sea. T*at is

+*ere t*e polp ta2es its 'rips to a ,ass o) roc2 onl *opin' t*at roc2 ,a

one (a )eel li2e t*e /o( t*e star)is* re)use(. An( so all an )aile( star)is*

can *a&e at t*e /otto, o) t*e sea *is onl creation is t*e stic2 in)inite

s,u('e t*at )ollo+s *i, )ore&er t*rou'* t*e (ar2ness an( t*e li'*t.

Buses enter an( lea&e t*e station crac2s on t*e si(e+al2 +i(en ato, /

ato, as t*e Eart* s*a2es an( t*e star)is* consu,es t*e tin creatures t*at

crac2s are ,a(e o). T*e tin creatures (o t*is (ance t*at ,a2es

concrete split ,atc*in' t*e speci)ic resonance )re5uencies o) t*e si(e+al2

an( t*e are +*at si(e+al2 is ,a(e o) or correctl put t*e creatures are

,a(e o) si(e+al2 an( t*e si(e+al2 is 6ust a *i&e )or t*ese /ein's t*at 'ro+

an( 'ro+ until t*e can no lon'er *ol( to'et*er as a sin'le entit. T*e

screa, one / one as t*e are &acuu,e( into t*e star)is*4s 'iant ori)ice

t*e ,out* t*at suc2s an( t*e crac2s t+ist an( 'ro+ so slo+l it +oul( ta2e



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7He t*ere star)is*8 sas t*e *orn sea 'ull. 79n ,ost (as I +oul( eat

our pieces an( +atc* our le's 'ro+ /ac2 an( t*en I +oul( eat t*e,

a'ain /ut to(a /o I a, too *orn )or suc* a t*in'. I /een loo2in )or a

+o,an sea 'ull to ,a2e ,e so,e se0 little e''s ou ain4t *appen to seen

a little s+eet*eart na,e( Clarice )lappin aroun( all se(ucti&e an( s*it

*a&e a: I 'ot a real *an2erin' )or so,e )eat*er cloaca )or to ru/ up on

t*at I (o so star)is* ou 6ust point ,e in t*e (irection o) t*at an'r slut

Clarice an( I4ll /e a 'oo( /o an( I +on4t eat our le's little ,an8 /ut t*e

star)is* /ein' a star)is* is al+as pointin' an( *e is al+as pointin' in

e&er (irection an( t*e *orn sea 'ull4s not so pro)oun( o) a )ello+ to 'et

t*at +*at t*e star)is* ,eans is cloaca are e&er+*ere all aroun( ou 6ust

+aitin' to /e ru//e( a'ainst t*ere is no+*ere ou can 'o +*ere a *orn

sea 'ull4s )ol(s can4t /e per)ectl satis)ie( t*at t*e +orl( itsel) is

'rippin' )eat*er cloaca ru//in' on e&ert*in' +it*in it an( /ecause t*e

*orn sea 'ull (oesn4t un(erstan( t*e +as t*e star)is* points *e 'oes 7a*

ou )uc2in /astar( I4, not *un'r an+a8 an( )lutters a+a to t*e ne0t

star)is* loo2in' )or t*e Clarice *e4s alrea( /an'in'.

T*e sun )inall s*o+s t*rou'* t*e clou(s an( t*e se&en le''e( star)is*

re,e,/ers *is )at*er /ecause e&en a creature /orn at t*e /e'innin' o)



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into a )la,in' sp*ere 6ust li2e t*e sun ,illions o) ears a'o to e&entuall

collapse into a 'reat /lac2 *ole at t*e centre o) our 'ala0 (e&ourin' at a

rate t*at t*e star)is* can onl un(erstan( in t*eor as *e suc2s an( suc2s

on ,oss an( t*e /ro2en s*ar(s o) an e,pt /ottle o) Coca;Cola

stru''les to retain *is 'ra&it. He is co,pelle( to cross t*e street an( so *e

s*u))les )ro, si(e to si(e eac* le' pullin' *i, 6ust a tin /it )art*er alon'

one / one. He4s reali3e( t*e )er,ente( apple *as sli'*tl ine/riate( *i,.

T*e *ea(li'*ts o) a #<<$ Toota Corolla s*ine across *is /o( an( in one

enor,ous /urst o) air an( noise t*e star)is* sees t*e a0les an( t*e ,u))ler

rei'nin' o&er *is *ea( li2e t*e touc* o) (eat* an( t*e car is 'one an( *is

+orl( /at*es in t*e re( rear li'*ts an( a)ter se&eral ,inutes *e )inall

,a2es it to t*e ot*er si(e o) t*e roa( *is trail o) sli,e a s,u('e( recor( o)

*is (run2en 5ui&erin' )ear #=!sin>0?@@#=!sin>0?;.



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II

7Li,e /li,e s,ac24n4er;on;t*e;/u,8 a Coc2ne /usiness,an nearl

steps on t*e star)is*. 7ou t*ere -otc*a8 A Coc2ne is an unusual si'*t in

Bellin'*a, /ut t*e star)is* (oes not 2no+ t*is as *e *as onl /een on

lan( a )e+ *ours. He is a)rai( o) t*e un2no+n Coc2ne 6ar'on an( is

unsure *o+ to respon(. 79 I sai( +otc*a Hi''le(;pi''le( ,e ,u, t*e

ol tart8 an( t*e star)is* reali3es *e can ne&er 'o /ac2 to t*e /otto, o) t*e

sea /ut also t*at t*is stran'e ne+ +orl( +ill ne&er )eel li2e *o,e. T*e

star)is* an( t*e Coc2ne 'o t*eir separate +as an( )or t*e star)is* it is at

a /earin' o) <" east on Harris A&e. to+ar( Fair*a&en not t*at Fair*a&en

is t*e t*in' *e is 'oin' to+ar( at least not as )ar as *e 2no+s.

7M )at*er is a /rilliant ec*ino(er,8 t*e star)is* t*in2s. 7M )at

controls an entire 'ala0. An( all I control are t*ese se&en appen(a'es an(

t*e strea, o) ,icroor'anis,s )lin' up into t*e little /lac2 *ole at t*e core

o) , /o(. It isn4t )air t*at I s*oul( /e t*e one re&ol&in' aroun( *i, /ut

/ecause o) relati&it I suppose *e re&ol&es aroun( ,e as +ell.8

preten(s to co,)ort *i,sel) /ut trul *e is (istur/e(. 7Per*aps I a, a (u(

/ut I a, an e))icient (e&ourer o) t*in's i) not as e))icient as , pric2l



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)aces t*e pa&e,ent *e cannot 2no+ +*et*er t*e penn +as ,inte( in

Den&er or P*ila(elp*ia nor t*e ear o) its creation /ut t*at (oesn4t /ot*er

*i, as *e is not a nu,is,atist ,erel a *un'r star)is* +it* a cra&in' )or

copper;plate( 3inc. It ta2es *i, nearl an *our to )inis* /ut it is t*e

'reatest ,eal *e *as e&er consu,e( an( it ,a2es t*e trail o) sli,e /e*in(

*i, spar2le 6ust a ta( in t*e sunli'*t. For a secon( *e is *app /ut t*e

/u33 (oesn4t last lon' as in *is (run2en carelessness *e acci(entall suc2s

up t*e roac* o) a /urnt out 6oint an( *e reali3es 5uic2l t*at *e is /ot*

(run2 an( *i'* /ut not t*e 'oo( 2in( o) (run2 an( *i'* t*at

so,eti,es 'et +*en ou4re (run2 an( *i'*; it4s t*e /a( 2in( o) (run2 an(

*i'* t*at ou 'et ot*er ti,es +*en ou4re (run2 an( *i'*. He is lost an(

paranoi( an( *e +on(ers *o+ *is )at*er can li&e consu,in' suc* lar'e

5uantities o) un2no+n c*e,icals li2e t*ese an( *e 2eeps *ea(in' east an(

ti,e )eels li2e it4s slo+in' (o+n. E&er soun( is a,pli)ie(. He *ears police

sirens an( *e *ears t*is terri)in' 'ur'lin' t*at *e reasons to /e t*e sea

co,in' to ta2e *i, /ac2. He *i(es in a /us* s*a2in' ,isera/l )or +*at

)eels li2e ten ,illion ears an( *e +oul( 2no+. He re'rets ta2in' t*e

penn tail;si(e;up.

So,e+*ere in t*e /us*es t*ere4s a little cat /ut /ecause cats cannot spea2



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ti,e t*e cat ,o&es *e is 6olte( /ac2 into realit or so,e *i(eou

cartoonis* &ersion o) realit +*ere t*e onl t*in's are a cat an( a /us*

an( *e is 6ust a spectator t*e onl conscious t*in' in t*e uni&erse *e is t*e

uni&erse +atc*in' itsel). But t*e cat +atc*es /ac2 an( it scares *i,.

E&ert*in' scares *i,. An( /e)ore *e can re,e,/er e0actl +*at it is *e4s

a)rai( o) t*e cat *as /een 'one )or *ours an( t*e +ee( *as +orn o)) an( so

*as t*e apple li5ueur an( it4s a (ar2 ni'*t in Bellin'*a,. He )alls asleep in

t*e /us*es an( (rea,s o) not*in'.



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III

T*e star)is* +a2es in t*e ,ornin' an( continues on *is 5uest to see2 out

t*e t*in' *e is ,o&in' to+ar(. He /rie)l pon(ers t*e nou,enon o) t*e

5uest itsel) +*et*er *e is on a 5uest to )in( t*e t*in' or ,erel to searc*

)or it. He *as ne&er *a( a *an'o&er /e)ore an( it is an unpleasa

e0perience. T*e little /lac2 *ole in t*e core o) *is /o( c*urns an( *e

+on(ers i) it is possi/le )or a /lac2 *ole to /eco,e a superno&a as *e

scritc*es *is +a )urt*er east up*ill. His trail o) sli,e 'ro+s /lac2er an(

'reasier. He stu,/les on to+ar( a oun' *ipster an( an a'in' *ipster

sittin' at a cast iron ta/le outsi(e a 'elateria ar'uin' o&er +*et*er T*e

o,/ies are t*e 'reatest /an( o) all ti,e. T*e star)is* *as a )e+ t*in's *e4s

/een nee(in' to sa /ut *asn4t *a( anone to listen until no+. T*e a'in'

*ipster sas 7T*ere4ll ne&er /e a /an( as 'oo( as T*e o,/ies. ou 2i(s

6ust (on4t )uc2in' un(erstan(.8

T*e oun' *ipster notices t*e star)is*. 7I t*in2 t*at star)is* is +atc*in'

T*e a'in' *ipster1 7-*at (o ou +ant:8



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'lo+in' star)is* /e'ins1 7A*e,. Blur our ees a /it /ut 2eep t*e, )ocuse(

on a sin'le point *ere on t*e si(e+al2. Soon ou +ill notice /lotc*es o)

static crossin' our )iel( o) &ision. -atc* t*e static cra+l on t*e +et

pa&e,ent li2e sna2es. -*ere (oes t*is static co,e )ro,: eep +atc*in'.

Har(er. T*e static co,es )ro, t*e sa,e place as t*e pa&e,ent itsel). It is

an illusion. A creation o) our o+n ,in(. For ou can ne&er trul see t*at

static as ou can ne&er trul see t*e pa&e,ent it )loats upon. T*e t*in's

ou see are ,erel si,pli)ie( interpretations o) realit crea

so,e+*ere insi(e our o+n *ea(. T*e static is t*ere to re,in( ou t*at

not*in' ou see can e&er /e real. eep loo2in' at t*ose +a&es o) &isual

noise t*at s+i, aroun( our )eet. I4, 'oin' to as2 ou a 5uestion no+.

Sir... (o ou trust our /rain:8

T*e a'in' *ipster loo2s to t*e star)is* struc2. 7T*at (oesn4t *a&e ant*in'

to (o +it* T*e o,/ies.8

7I4&e 'ot anot*er 5uestion )or ou. I *a&e tra&ele( t*ousan(s o) ,iles inc*

/ inc* )ro, t*e (ar2est part o) t*e sea to t*is patc* o) si(e+al2 /e)ore

ou an( I tra&ele( un)at*o,a/le ,iles /e)ore t*at. An( sir I a, 'oin'

to+ar( so,et*in'. It is not ou t*at I a, 'oin' to+ar( /ut it4s 6ust t*at.



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t*at is e&er as2e( o) ou so I ur'e ou to ta2e it seriousl1 -*at coul( I

possi/l /e ,o&in' to+ar(:8

T*e a'in' *ipster is silent. T*e oun' *ipster spea2s. 7Man t*ose +ere

so,e 'oo( s*roo,s.8

7ou4re tellin ,e8 sas t*e a'in' *ipster. T*eir ar'u,ent settles

o/scurit.

T*e star)is* continues (o+n t*e pat* an( at t*is point *is *an'o&er is

,ana'ea/le /ut *e4s still *orri/l )rustrate( +on(erin' i) *e4ll e&er )in(

t*at t*in';in;itsel) t*at (ri&es *i, )or+ar(. He loo2s at a )lier on Harris

A&e. a(&ertisin' a C*err Poppin4 Da((ies concert t*at +as *el(

e&enin' prior an( to a passin' c*il( *e spea2s1 7Ha&e ou e&er notice( t*e

s*ape o) t*e +*ite space aroun( t*e letters on a pa'e: To our ,in( it4s a

&acuu, /ut it is a s*ape on its o+n. Per*aps it4s easier to notice t*at s*ape

i) ou in&ert t*e colors li2e +*en ou press control;option;co,,an(; on

Mac 9S. ou spen( ,uc* o) our (a starin' at t*at s*ape t*at space in

/et+een t*e letters /ut ou4&e ne&er notice( it an( t*at4s /ecause it is not

in our nature to notice t*e t*in's t*at are ri'*t in )ront o) ou. Because I



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,ot*er. T*e star)is* continues to *i,sel)1 7T*is is a +orl( +*ere ou

sa ant*in' to anone /ut no/o( +ill listen to t*e t*in's ou nee( to

sa. I ,ust ,a2e a note o) t*is )or )uture re)erence onl to spea2 +*en

spo2en to.8

Because star)is* *a&e access to all t*e (ata in t*e uni&erse t*e (o a

terri/le 6o/ at re,e,/erin' t*in's unless t*at t*in' co,es naturall to its

,in(. T*is is +* t*e star)is* 2no+s a/out t*e easter e''s *i((en in Mac

9S /ut )or'ets social con&entions. In space star)is* spea2 o) all ,anner

o) t*in's t*at cross t*eir ,in( an( )ro, t*e in)inite (ataset t*

con&ersations usuall (el&e into t*e e0cruciatin'l tec*nical an(

se&erel o/scure. A)ter ,illenia o) e0ile un(erneat* t*e sea +*ere t*e

star)is* cannot spea2 /ecause it (oes not *a&e t*e &ocal po+er to (o so

un(er+ater *e e0pecte( t*e +orl( on lan( to a/i(e / t*e sa,e rules as

t*e +orl( o) space. I) ou4re +on(erin' *o+ e0actl one can spea2 in outer

space t*at4s a 'oo( 5uestion an( t*e ans+er to it is t*at a &acuu, is &er

*ar( to +rap our ,in( aroun(. Most ar'ue t*at soun( cannot tra&el

t*rou'* t*e &acuu, o) space /ut t*eir )allac is t*at space is ,o

certainl not a &acuu,. In or(er )or so,et*in' to /e a &acuu, it coul( not

*a&e a 'enera o) p*otons an( ra(iation /u33in' / an( t*e 'ra&itational



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t*e un;t*in' into so,et*in' it is not1 a t*in'. In a &acuu, t*ere is no li'*t

t*ere is no ti,e an( t*ere is no uni&erse. T*is is +* star)is* can tal2 in

space. But t*e star)is* can al,ost certainl ne&er return.



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IV

T*e c*il( 2eeps screa,in' an( *e tells *is ,ot*er a/out t*e star)is* an(

s*e s,ac2s *i, an( ti'*tens *is leas* /ecause s*e4s one o) t*ose ,ot*ers

+*o 2eeps *er c*il( on a leas* an( t*e c*il( is one o) t*ose c*il(ren +*o

+ears a leas*. T*e star)is* i,a'ines t*at i) t*e c*il( +as not one o) t*ose

c*il(ren or t*e ,ot*er +as not one o) t*ose ,ot*ers t*e t+o +oul( /e a

&er o(( pair an( so *e conclu(es t*at t*e ,ot*er an( t*e c*il( are a

per)ect ,atc* at least +*en it co,es to leas*es. Despite t*is or ,a/e

/ecause o) it in t*e +a2e o) *is *an'o&er t*e star)is* e0periences anot*er

ne+ )eelin'1 loneliness. He4s ne&er /een lonel /e)ore /ecause in space

an( in t*e sea *e +as al+as surroun(e( / ot*er star)is* an( it4s an o((

e0perience )or *i, /ecause *is li)e up to t*is point *as ,ostl /een (ri&en

/ intellectual pursuit. Because *e *as spent so ,uc* ti,e e0trapolatin' on

t*e tec*nical aspects o) one )iel( or anot*er *e ne&er *a( ,uc* ti,e )or

e,otion /ut no+ it all *its *i, li2e one *u'e +a&e )ro, t*e sea /ent on

pullin' *i, /ac2 an( rippin' *i, a+a )ro, *is un2no+n (estin in

Bellin'*a,. T*e soun(s o) cars in t*e street surroun( *i, J" (e'rees an(

t*e (r air *as /e'un to upset *is psoriasis so *e scratc*es at *is crust

e0os2eleton spinnin' aroun( in circles on t*e si(e+al2 /loc2in' out t*e



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+*en *e /u,ps into a )uc2in' /ric2 +all an( co,es to rat*er 5uic2l.+*en *e /u,ps into a )uc2in' /ric2 +all an( co,es to rat*er 5uic2l.

7Fu7Fuc2ic2in' n' /ri/ric2 c2 +al+all8 l8 *e *e sasas. s. An( An( )uc)uc2in2in' ' /ri/ric2 c2 +al+all l in(in(eeee( ( /e/ecaucau

t*ere4s a +in(o+ on t*at /ric2 +all an( in t*at +in(o+ *e sees a ,an an(t*ere4s a +in(o+ on t*at /ric2 +all an( in t*at +in(o+ *e sees a ,an an(

a +o,an in t*e course o) so,e *orri/le se0 act not t*at t*e act is per&ersea +o,an in t*e course o) so,e *orri/le se0 act not t*at t*e act is per&erse

/ut it4s li2e neit*er o) t*e, *a&e e&er copulate( an( t*e4re preten(in' to/ut it4s li2e neit*er o) t*e, *a&e e&er copulate( an( t*e4re preten(in' to

2no+ +*at t*e4re (oin' /ut reall t*e *a&e no clue. So,et*in' insi(e2no+ +*at t*e4re (oin' /ut reall t*e *a&e no clue. So,et*in' insi(e

t*e star)is* sin2s /ecause *e4s reali3e( t*at since ,ale star)is* releaset*e star)is* sin2s /ecause *e4s reali3e( t*at since ,ale star)is* release

t*eir sper, into t*e currents in little sacs an( / nature (o not participatet*eir sper, into t*e currents in little sacs an( / nature (o not participate

in acts o) se0 *e ,a ne&er e0perience t*is 2in( o) inti,ac. Instea( o)in acts o) se0 *e ,a ne&er e0perience t*is 2in( o) inti,ac. Instea( o)

spinnin' out o) control *e4s /een 5uic2l put in *is place an( *e )eels li2espinnin' out o) control *e4s /een 5uic2l put in *is place an( *e )eels li2e

*e *e cocoulul( ( nene&e&er r ,o,o&e &e a'a'aiain n anan( ( it it +o+oulul( ( susuit it *i*is s intintenentitionsons. . E0E0

so,et*in' out t*ere is still pullin' *i,.so,et*in' out t*ere is still pullin' *i,.

He can4t (eal +it* t*ese )eelin's o) loneliness /ut *e 2no+s t*at +*ate&erHe can4t (eal +it* t*ese )eelin's o) loneliness /ut *e 2no+s t*at +*ate&er

is a*ea( +ill c*an'e *is +orl(. Still *e approac*es it e&en ,ore slo+lis a*ea( +ill c*an'e *is +orl(. Still *e approac*es it e&en ,ore slo+l

t*an *e usuall +oul( an( so,e /rat teena'er as2s 7He star)is* are out*an *e usuall +oul( an( so,e /rat teena'er as2s 7He star)is* are ou

o2a:8o2a:8

An( t*e star)is* respon(s 7Are ou tal2in' to ,e:8An( t*e star)is* respon(s 7Are ou tal2in' to ,e:8



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An( t*e star)is* sas 7I a, An( t*e star)is* sas 7I a, sa(. I4, lonel.8sa(. I4, lonel.8

An( t*e /rat teena'er sas 7So a, I.8An( t*e /rat teena'er sas 7So a, I.8

An( t*e star)is* sas 7-* are ou lonel:8An( t*e star)is* sas 7-* are ou lonel:8

An( t*e /rat teena'er sas 7Because I4, in lo&e +it* Mar Ann an( I (on4tAn( t*e /rat teena'er sas 7Because I4, in lo&e +it* Mar Ann an( I (on4t

2no+ *o+ to 'et *er to 2no+ *o+ to 'et *er to li2e ,e.8li2e ,e.8

AnAn( ( t*t*e e ststarar)i)is* s* 2n2no+o+s s e0e0acactltl +*+*at at to to sasa. . 7T7T*a*at4t4s s sisi,p,plele. . StStarart t

ac5uirin' t+o poun(s o) sal,on. Pre)era/l soc2ee /ut 2in' sil&er orac5uirin' t+o poun(s o) sal,on. Pre)era/l soc2ee /ut 2in' sil&er or

pin2 +ill (o in a pinc*. A&oi( c*u, sal,on at all costs. I) t*e la/el saspin2 +ill (o in a pinc*. A&oi( c*u, sal,on at all costs. I) t*e la/el sas

7Paci)ic sal,on8 it is c*u, an( it is not so,et*in' ou ou'*t to purc*ase7Paci)ic sal,on8 it is c*u, an( it is not so,et*in' ou ou'*t to purc*ase

an( i) ou catc* it oursel) t*ro+ it /ac2 in t*e ocean to )uc2 aroun( +it*an( i) ou catc* it oursel) t*ro+ it /ac2 in t*e ocean to )uc2 aroun( +it*

all t*e ot*er c*u, sal,on. Ba2e t*e sal,on +it* a (ecent a,ount o) saltall t*e ot*er c*u, sal,on. Ba2e t*e sal,on +it* a (ecent a,ount o) salt

pepper 'arlic po+(epepper 'arlic po+(er an( le,on 6uice on top. eep it r an( le,on 6uice on top. eep it in t*e o&en )or a/outin t*e o&en )or a/out

! ,inutes at $"" (e'rees. -*ile t*e sal,on is /a2in' c*op up t+o stal2s! ,inutes at $"" (e'rees. -*ile t*e sal,on is /a2in' c*op up t+o stal2s

o) celer a re( /ell pepper an( a /i' *an()ul o) 'reen onions an( ,i0 ito) celer a re( /ell pepper an( a /i' *an()ul o) 'reen onions an( ,i0 it

all up nicel in a /o+l. A(( to t*e /o+l *al) a /o0 o) Re( Lo/ster c*e((arall up nicel in a /o+l. A(( to t*e /o+l *al) a /o0 o) Re( Lo/ster c*e((ar

/iscuit ,i0 +*ic* can /e o/taine( at our nei'*/or*oo( -al;Mart. Kse/iscuit ,i0 +*ic* can /e o/taine( at our nei'*/or*oo( -al;Mart. Kse



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pepper an( le,on 6uice an( a teaspoon o) t*e secret in're(ient t*atpepper an( le,on 6uice an( a teaspoon o) t*e secret in're(ient t*at

/e/elolon'n's s in in e&e&erertt*i*in'n'1 1 MaMatotou2u24s 4s CaCallpspso o SaSaucuce. e. ItIt4s 4s a a *o*ot t sasaucuce e )r)r

Trini(Trini(a( t*at a( t*at / itsel) ,a /e / itsel) ,a /e t*e ,ost intenselt*e ,ost intensel spic t*in' ou +ill e&erspic t*in' ou +ill e&er

taste /ut so,e*o+ it4s also s+eet an( tan'. Also a(( a ta/lespoon o)taste /ut so,e*o+ it4s also s+eet an( tan'. Also a(( a ta/lespoon o)

M.. Alas2an S+eet an( Spice Spice spice spelle( +it* an E. As )ar as IM.. Alas2an S+eet an( Spice Spice spice spelle( +it* an E. As )ar as I

2no+ t*is can onl /e o/taine( in Alas2a. Mi0 t*at all up nicel +it* a2no+ t*is can onl /e o/taine( in Alas2a. Mi0 t*at all up nicel +it* a

lar'e spoon an( / t*e ti,e ou4re (one ,i0in' it t*e sal,on s*oul( /elar'e spoon an( / t*e ti,e ou4re (one ,i0in' it t*e sal,on s*oul( /e

coo2e(. Let t*e sal,on cool a /it an( t*en a(( it )inel c*oppe( into t*ecoo2e(. Let t*e sal,on cool a /it an( t*en a(( it )inel c*oppe( into t*e

/o+l alon' +it* *al) a slee&e o) crunc*e( up saltine crac2ers. Mi0 it all up/o+l alon' +it* *al) a slee&e o) crunc*e( up saltine crac2ers. Mi0 it all up

reall +ell an( i) t*e consistenc isn4t t*ic2 enou'* to +*ere ou can rollreall +ell an( i) t*e consistenc isn4t t*ic2 enou'* to +*ere ou can roll

so,e into a /all a(( ,ore saltines. T*en ta2e out a couple /a2in' pans.so,e into a /all a(( ,ore saltines. T*en ta2e out a couple /a2in' pans.

T+o +ill usuall (o t*e tric2. Roll t*e ,i0 into lar'e ,eat/all si3e( pattiesT+o +ill usuall (o t*e tric2. Roll t*e ,i0 into lar'e ,eat/all si3e( patties

an( plop e, (o+n on t*ose /a2in' pans. Set our o&en to /roil. Let it *eatan( plop e, (o+n on t*ose /a2in' pans. Set our o&en to /roil. Let it *eat

up )i&e or si0 ,inutes /e)ore t*ro+in' t*e pans in t*ere. Let t*e pattiesup )i&e or si0 ,inutes /e)ore t*ro+in' t*e pans in t*ere. Let t*e patties

/roil until t*e4re 'ol(en /ro+n +*ic* +ill ta2e a/out ei'*t ,inutes./roil until t*e4re 'ol(en /ro+n +*ic* +ill ta2e a/out ei'*t ,inutes.

Voila ou4&e 'ot oursel) so,e Voila ou4&e 'ot oursel) so,e star)is* appro&e( sal,on ca2es.8star)is* appro&e( sal,on ca2es.8

7But ou4re a star)is*. Ho+ coul( ou possi/l 2no+ all t*is:87But ou4re a star)is*. Ho+ coul( ou possi/l 2no+ all t*is:8

T*e star)is* +i''les aroun( T*e star)is* +i''les aroun( unco,)orta/l.unco,)orta/l.



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possi/le t*at our ,et*o( +oul( e&er ,a2e Mar Ann li2e ,e:8

T*e star)is* scuttles a+a an( t*e /rat teena'er runs o)) to+ar( +*ere&er

it is *e4s 'oin'.



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V

ust a little )art*er (o+n t*e pat* so,e+*ere near t*e corner o) Harris

an( Tent* Street t*e star)is* ,eets an el(erl in&estor (o+n on *is luc2.

7Loo2 at ,e8 sas t*e in&estor. 7I4, tal2in' to a star)is*. I4, at a loss. I

t*in2 I ,a /e (i&in' into t*e t*roes o) Al3*ei,er4s (isease an( I can4t

/elie&e I4, (oin' t*is.8

7es:8 T*e star)is* so)tl 'lo+s as *e spea2s.

7Do ou *a&e an stoc2 tips:8

T*e star)is* t*in2s )or a ,inute. 7-ell one o) t*e )irst t*in's t*e teac*

ou in a uni&ersit 'eneral econo,ics course is t*at e&ert*in' in t*e lon'

ter, e5uals 3ero. An ,o&es up or (o+n are pittances co,pare( to t*e

'reat /lac2 &oi( at t*e /e'innin' an( en( o) e&er purc*ase. -*en ou4re

/uin' a stoc2 or a currenc or +*ate&er ou4re not e0actl ,a2in' a /et

t*at its &alue +ill 'o up ou4re reall 6ust ,a2in' a /et t*at it +ill still *a&e

&alue to,orro+ an( its &alue is 6ust a s*are( *allucination /et+e



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a'o. I) ou /elie&e t*e uni&erse +ill e0ist to,orro+ it4s a /ullis* ,ar2et

, )rien(.8

7-*at i) I (on4t /elie&e t*e uni&erse +ill e0ist to,orro+:8

7T*en (on4t /u.8

7I) I (o /elie&e t*e uni&erse +ill e0ist to,orro+ +*at s*oul( I (o:8 sas

t*e el(erl in&estor.

7I) ou (o /elie&e t*e uni&erse +ill e0ist to,orro+ an( t*e ne0t (a /u

#""" s*ares o) t*e co,pan ou4re intereste( in. Put "" o) t*ose s*ares in

a place +*ere ou can4t access t*e, )or at least a ear. T*is is our

in&est,ent in t*e )uture. For t*e ot*er "" s*ares place incre,ental sell

or(ers one e&er (ollar or e&er ten cents cli,/in' up t*e stoc24s as2in'

price e0ponentiall increasin' in &alue one s*are at a (ollar *i'*er t*an

t*e current ,ar2et price t+o s*ares at t+o (ollars *i'*er )our s*ares at

t*ree (ollars *i'*er ei'*t at )our (ollars *i'*er etc. until ou *a&e sell

or(ers in )or all "" s*ares. T*en put ne+ /u or(ers in usin' t*e sa,e

pattern 'oin' (o+n+ar( on t*e /i(. T*is is our /et t*at t*e roa( to t*e



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a(6ust t*e /u or(ers. T*is +ill allo+ ou to /u lo+ an( sell *i'* no

,atter +*at t*e stoc2 is currentl +ort*. An( alt*ou'* ou4ll onl /e

,a2in' ,a/e a )e+ (ollars on eac* sale an( /uin' in 6ust a (ollar lo+er

on eac* purc*ase assu,in' t*e ,ar2et )luctuates (ail ou4ll /e ,a2in'

*un(re(s i) not t*ousan(s o) tra(es a (a a,ountin' to *un(re(s o)

t*ousan(s o) (ollars o&er t*e ne0t t*ree (as ou *a&e to li&e.8

7T*e ne0t t*ree (as I *a&e to li&e:8

7I4, sorr ou *a( to )in( out t*is +a8 sas t*e star)is* as *e scrapes *is

+a )urt*er (o+n t*e /loc2 lea&in' t*e el(erl in&estor to conte,plate *is

(e,ise an( *is poor un(erstan(in' o) )iscal &olatilit.

T*e star)is* reali3es *is earlier (ecision to cross t*e street +as

concei&e( so *e (eci(es to cross /ac2 o&er onto t*e nort* si(e at Harris

an( Tent*. He isn4t as +orrie( t*is ti,e as t*ere4s a cross+al2 at Harris

an( Tent*. He can4t reac* t*e /utton )or t*e cross+al2 /ut *e is acutel

a+are t*at ,ost cross+al2 /uttons are +*at are 2no+n in

psc*olo'ical co,,unit as 7place/o /uttons8 as are t*e close (oo

/uttons on ,ost ele&ators. T*e cross+al2 /utton e0ists onl to ,a



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*an(s an( not in t*e *an(s o) ,ac*ines. T*e star)is* 2no+s t*is is 6ust a

/unc* o) ru//is* so *e +aits it out an( +*en t*e little 'reen ,an pops up

on t*e si'n t*e star)is* )eels anot*er /rie) pan' o) loneliness. He 2no+s

t*is +orl( +asn4t /uilt )or *i,. He ,a2es it across t*e street 6ust )ine an(

crosses Tent* 6ust (o+n t*e +a in(epen(entl o) t*e cross+al2 /ecause

t*ere isn4t nearl as ,uc* tra))ic on Tent* as t*ere is on Harris. Because

*is pat* *as c*an'e( *e +on(ers i) t*e t*in' *e is ,o&in' to+ar( ,i'*t

/e a ,o&in' tar'et.



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VI

T*e Fair*a&en Villa'e Green is a patc* o) 'rass appro0i,atel t*e si3e o) a

)oot/all )iel( encircle( / a concrete +al2+a on t*ree si(es +*ic* is

,ostl co&ere( / ple0i'lass roo)in' an( (otte( +it* par2 /enc*es. 9n t*e

)ourt* si(e o) t*e Villa'e Green is a raise( sta'e lea(in' up to a lar'e

,ural painte( onto a /uil(in'. As ni'*t )alls t*e star)is* rests on one o) t*e

/enc*es an( slo+l (ri)ts to sleep. In t*e )ollo+in' passa'e t*e star)is*

recounts *is o+n perception o) t*e (rea, space as recor(e( in t*e &er

)a/ric o) spaceti,e entan'le( in spinnin' particles in t*e uno/ser&a/le

corners an( /ac2alles o) t*e cos,os.

So,e*o+ I *a&e /eco,e *u,an. I 2no+ t*ese people. I

2no+ t*eir na,es. I cannot e0plain t*is. I a, in lo&e +it* a

+o,an na,e( C*ristine /ut I (o not 2no+ +*et*er s*e

lo&es ,e /ac2. Her alar, cloc2 rin's t*is little ,ariac*i

tune t*at so,eti,es 'oes on )or *ours an( *ours +*en s*e

isnt t*ere li2e a *aunte( ice crea, truc2. Larrs Ti, Curr

lau'* ec*oes t*rou'* t*e *all. Pa'e a)ter pa'e o) (ru' )uele(

psc*o/a//le are stre+n across t*e )loor an( so,eone



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I open t*e (oor /ut no one is t*ere. Larr4s t+iste( lau'*I open t*e (oor /ut no one is t*ere. Larr4s t+iste( lau'*

still ec*oes in t*e *all.still ec*oes in t*e *all.

7P7Patatieiencnce e 'r'rasass*s*opoppeper r II&e &e seseen en t*t*e e &o&oi( i( anan( ( itits s 6u6ustst

uni&erses all t*e +a (o+n.8 Apparentl Matts *ere too /utuni&erses all t*e +a (o+n.8 Apparentl Matts *ere too /ut

I cant )in( *i,. C*ristines alar, cloc2 )inall stops. 7T*eI cant )in( *i,. C*ristines alar, cloc2 )inall stops. 7T*e

2e2e to to pspscc*o*o2i2inenesisis s is is ,u,ultlti(i(i,i,enensiosionanalilitt. . uust st s*s*i)i)tt

oursel) an( t*e +orl( +ill s*i)t too. Hitler +as an i(ea.oursel) an( t*e +orl( +ill s*i)t too. Hitler +as an i(ea.

oure an i(ea. -e all are.8 I turn oure an i(ea. -e all are.8 I turn t*e corner to call Matt an(t*e corner to call Matt an(

Larr /ac2 to , place.Larr /ac2 to , place.

TT*e *e a,a,ouount nt o) o) papatitienence ce rere5u5uirire( e( to to prpropopererl l e0e0trtracactt

(i,et*ltrpta,ine )ro, Psc*otria &iri(is )olia'e is sli'*tl(i,et*ltrpta,ine )ro, Psc*otria &iri(is )olia'e is sli'*tl

,ore t*an an o) us can ,uster so t*e ,ore t*an an o) us can ,uster so t*e /atc* turns out +ea2/atc* turns out +ea2

I can tell / t*e color an( te0ture o) t*e crstals. Larr slicesI can tell / t*e color an( te0ture o) t*e crstals. Larr slices

*is *an( open trin' to ,a2e a pipe out o) a li'*t/ul/. Ne&er*is *an( open trin' to ,a2e a pipe out o) a li'*t/ul/. Ne&er

*a&e I seen a ,ore a,ateur tea, o) 6un2ies in *a&e I seen a ,ore a,ateur tea, o) 6un2ies in action.action.

7ou cant ,a2e a pipe out o) 7ou cant ,a2e a pipe out o) a s+irl /ul/ (u(e.8a s+irl /ul/ (u(e.8



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soc2et an( +or2 in t*e (ar2 clin2in' it a'ainst t*e (ull en(soc2et an( +or2 in t*e (ar2 clin2in' it a'ainst t*e (ull en(

o) a 2ni)e. -e&e onl 'ot enou'* spice )or t+o so I *a&e too) a 2ni)e. -e&e onl 'ot enou'* spice )or t+o so I *a&e to

sisit t t*t*is is onone e ouout. t. T+T+o o /i/i' ' pupu))))s s )r)ro, o, eaeac* c* anan( ( II, , t*t*ee

careta2er o) t+o e,pt /o(ies t+o souls /ouncin' aroun(careta2er o) t+o e,pt /o(ies t+o souls /ouncin' aroun(

t*e astral plane /o0e( in t*e +alls o) , tin apart,ent.t*e astral plane /o0e( in t*e +alls o) , tin apart,ent.

C*ristine enters unannounce(.C*ristine enters unannounce(.

I a, still *u,an. I, strappe( to a ta/le in an alu,inu,I a, still *u,an. I, strappe( to a ta/le in an alu,inu,

roo, +it* one (oor. -it* eac* pull t*e straps 'et looser an(roo, +it* one (oor. -it* eac* pull t*e straps 'et looser an(

t*en ti'*ter. T+o an(roi(s lur2 in t*e corner. T*e secon(t*en ti'*ter. T+o an(roi(s lur2 in t*e corner. T*e secon(

an(roi( spea2s up. 7I) +e are ,a(e )ro, silicone an( ,etalan(roi( spea2s up. 7I) +e are ,a(e )ro, silicone an( ,etal

sprin's +* (o +e )eel so real:8sprin's +* (o +e )eel so real:8

C*ristines &oice1 7Are ou co,)orta/le:8C*ristines &oice1 7Are ou co,)orta/le:8

7ea* I, co,)orta/le.87ea* I, co,)orta/le.8

T*e )irst an(roi( +*eels to+ar( ,e. It re,o&es a scalpelT*e )irst an(roi( +*eels to+ar( ,e. It re,o&es a scalpel

)ro, its utilit /elt an( ,a2es a s,all incision on , c*est.)ro, its utilit /elt an( ,a2es a s,all incision on , c*est.

7oure runnin' out o) space.8 I )eel not*in'.7oure runnin' out o) space.8 I )eel not*in'.



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ti,e.8ti,e.8

T*is proce(ure is repeate( t+ice1 one tu/e is inserte( intoT*is proce(ure is repeate( t+ice1 one tu/e is inserte( into

, , tete,p,ple le anan( ( onone e is is insinserertete( ( ininto to , , lolo+e+er r a/a/(o(o,e,enn

/e)ore a )inal tu/e is pus*e( (o+n , t*roat. M /o(il/e)ore a )inal tu/e is pus*e( (o+n , t*roat. M /o(il

)lui(s are slo+l (raine( t*rou'* t*e tu/es.)lui(s are slo+l (raine( t*rou'* t*e tu/es.

7Reall I, co,)orta/le.87Reall I, co,)orta/le.8

A)A)teter r sese&e&eraral l ,i,inunutetes s +*+*en en II, , )i)inanallll e,e,ptpt t*t*e e )i)irsrstt

an(roi( opens a co,part,ent on *is c*est as t*e secon(an(roi( opens a co,part,ent on *is c*est as t*e secon(

unscre+s t*e tu/es )ro, )our plastic sacs +*ic* no+ containunscre+s t*e tu/es )ro, )our plastic sacs +*ic* no+ contain

, /o(il *u,ours. An(roi( 9ne reattac*es t*e tu/es to, /o(il *u,ours. An(roi( 9ne reattac*es t*e tu/es to

)our ne+ sacs +*ic* appear to /e )ull. Nu,/er T+o /eeps)our ne+ sacs +*ic* appear to /e )ull. Nu,/er T+o /eeps

an( , insi(es are slo+l replace( +it* )orei'n ,aterial.an( , insi(es are slo+l replace( +it* )orei'n ,aterial.

T*e tu/e in , c*est sli(es out an( /loo( spurts across ,T*e tu/e in , c*est sli(es out an( /loo( spurts across ,

)a)acece. . NuNu,/,/er er t+t+o o s*s*u)u))l)les es to to rereininsesert rt t*t*e e tutu/e/e. . I I loloo2o2

curiousl at t*e /loo( an(roi(s. C*ristine loo2s into ,curiousl at t*e /loo( an(roi(s. C*ristine loo2s into ,

ees. 7Hes a lot li2e ou reall.8ees. 7Hes a lot li2e ou reall.8



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7Li2e *i, I suppose.8

A ,an enters. 7-e&e (eci(e( ou can /e Ha,pton.8

7Ha,pton: But I, not.8

7T*ats irrele&ant. -e&e (eci(e( ou can /e.8

7-*o are ou:8

7o*n Ha,pton.8

7oure Ha,pton too:8

7-e all are. Ha,pton:8

7es:8

7oure un(er arrest.8



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7-*ere a, I:8

7ou s*oul( 2no+ t*at. Ho+ *i'* are ou:8

7Tell ,e a/out o*n.8

7Are t*e o2a:8

Matt an( Larr s*i)t.

7T*ere 6ust *a&in' a -e(nes(a.8

7See,s li2e e&er (a is -e(nes(a latel. -*at a/out ou:

Ho+ are ou (oin':8

7Its reall *ar( to tell. T*is cit is so 'lorious it eats ,e ali&e.

So,eti,es I )or'et +*o I a, an( +*at I, (oin' *ere. I )eel

li2e I&e /een suc2e( into t*is culture o) su/,ission an( t*e

onl +a out is to (ie. People (ont treat ,e li2e I, a real

person an( I, a)rai(. I, a)rai( I ,i'*t 6ust /e an asteris2



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/een +ritten et. Its li2e I e0ist in t*e ,i((le o) so,e ri)t/een +ritten et. Its li2e I e0ist in t*e ,i((le o) so,e ri)t

/ut /ecause o) t*at I (ont e0ist at /ut /ecause o) t*at I (ont e0ist at all.8all.8

7ou e0ist as ,uc* as anone an( e&en i) ou (ont +*o7ou e0ist as ,uc* as anone an( e&en i) ou (ont +*o

cares: C*ill out an( 6ust let s*it *appen.8 S*e 2isses ,e.cares: C*ill out an( 6ust let s*it *appen.8 S*e 2isses ,e.

T*e star)is* is 6olte( )ro, *is sleep / t*e sti)) ar, o) a Bellin'*a, policeT*e star)is* is 6olte( )ro, *is sleep / t*e sti)) ar, o) a Bellin'*a, police

o))icer (esperate to ,eet *is 5uota. T+o oun' ,en +al2 /.o))icer (esperate to ,eet *is 5uota. T+o oun' ,en +al2 /.

7ou 2no+ t*eres a na,e )or t*at. I, not sure +*at it is /ut its not li2e7ou 2no+ t*eres a na,e )or t*at. I, not sure +*at it is /ut its not li2e

its so,et*in' no one its so,et*in' no one else 'ets.8else 'ets.8

7T*7T*atats s +*+*at at /ot/ot*er*ers s ,e ,e t*e ,ost. t*e ,ost. T*iT*is s an0an0ietiet is is tottotallall ,e,eanianin'ln'l

/ecause it isnt e&en uni5ue to ,e. I, 6ust so,e ass*ole +it* t*e sa,e/ecause it isnt e&en uni5ue to ,e. I, 6ust so,e ass*ole +it* t*e sa,e

)uc2in' pro/le,s as e&erone else.8)uc2in' pro/le,s as e&erone else.8



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VIIVII

T*e star)is* sits in t*e /ac2 o) a police cruiser +earin' t*ree pairs o)T*e star)is* sits in t*e /ac2 o) a police cruiser +earin' t*ree pairs o)

*an(cu))s since t*e o))icer (eci(e( to treat one o) *is appen(a'es as a*an(cu))s since t*e o))icer (eci(e( to treat one o) *is appen(a'es as a

*ea( e&en t*ou'* it (oesn4t +or2 t*at +a an( *is *ea( is in t*e ,i((le.*ea( e&en t*ou'* it (oesn4t +or2 t*at +a an( *is *ea( is in t*e ,i((le.

T*e uncu))e( ar, +i''les )reel an( t*e rest are trappe( in /on(a'e. HeT*e uncu))e( ar, +i''les )reel an( t*e rest are trappe( in /on(a'e. He

li2es t*e li'*ts. T*ere4s so,et*in' a/out li'*ts t*at cal,s *i, e&en t*ou'*li2es t*e li'*ts. T*ere4s so,et*in' a/out li'*ts t*at cal,s *i, e&en t*ou'*

*e 2no+s *e4s in t*e ,i((le o) a terri/le situation as +ell as an i(entit*e 2no+s *e4s in t*e ,i((le o) a terri/le situation as +ell as an i(entit

crisis /rou'*t on / *is /i3arre (rea,. He repeats t*e (uc24s 5uestion tocrisis /rou'*t on / *is /i3arre (rea,. He repeats t*e (uc24s 5uestion to

t*e o))icer1 7-* a, I *ere:8t*e o))icer1 7-* a, I *ere:8

7I4&e e0plaine( t*is to ou alrea( ou4&e /een arreste( )or &a'ranc87I4&e e0plaine( t*is to ou alrea( ou4&e /een arreste( )or &a'ranc8

sas t*e o))icer.sas t*e o))icer.

An( t*e star)is* sas 7ou4&e 'ot t*e +ron' 'u8 an( t*e An( t*e star)is* sas 7ou4&e 'ot t*e +ron' 'u8 an( t*e o))icer lau'*s.o))icer lau'*s.

T*e star)is* *as trou/le )ull un(erstan(in' *is situation e&en t*ou'* *eT*e star)is* *as trou/le )ull un(erstan(in' *is situation e&en t*ou'* *e

*as access to all t*e (ata in t*e uni&erse. He *as al+as /een a &a'rant*as access to all t*e (ata in t*e uni&erse. He *as al+as /een a &a'rant

since t*e /e'innin' o) ti,e )irst in space an( t*en at t*e /otto, o) t*e seasince t*e /e'innin' o) ti,e )irst in space an( t*en at t*e /otto, o) t*e sea

/ut no one *as e&er (eri(e( *i, )or it. T*e o))icer c*i,es in. 7Don4t +orr/ut no one *as e&er (eri(e( *i, )or it. T*e o))icer c*i,es in. 7Don4t +orr



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+arrants *ell ou (on4t e&en *a&e a na,e. -e (on4t +ant ou. ou aren4t+arrants *ell ou (on4t e&en *a&e a na,e. -e (on4t +ant ou. ou aren4t

+ante(. ou4re 6ust a star)is* (o+n on *is luc2 an( I un(erstan( t*at. Hell+ante(. ou4re 6ust a star)is* (o+n on *is luc2 an( I un(erstan( t*at. Hell

+*en I +as our a'e I (i(n4t *a&e an parents I spent t*e +*ole (a,n+*en I +as our a'e I (i(n4t *a&e an parents I spent t*e +*ole (a,n

ear ca,pin' in t*e )orest. Luc2 I (i(n4t 'et eaten / /ears. ou 2no+ear ca,pin' in t*e )orest. Luc2 I (i(n4t 'et eaten / /ears. ou 2no+

t*ere are /ears aroun( t*ese parts.8t*ere are /ears aroun( t*ese parts.8

7But I a, at least t*irteen /illion ears ol( t*ou'* t*e a'e o) t*e uni&erse7But I a, at least t*irteen /illion ears ol( t*ou'* t*e a'e o) t*e uni&erse

is *otl (ispute( / scientists an( see,s to 'ro+ e0ponentiall once e&eris *otl (ispute( / scientists an( see,s to 'ro+ e0ponentiall once e&er

)e+ ears.8)e+ ears.8

7Don4t 'et s,art +it* ,e I 2no+ star)is* 'ro+ a ne+ le' e&er ear li2e7Don4t 'et s,art +it* ,e I 2no+ star)is* 'ro+ a ne+ le' e&er ear li2e

tree rin's.8tree rin's.8

7It4s not li2e t*at at all. It4s reall ,uc* ,ore co,plicate(. An( t*ese aren4t7It4s not li2e t*at at all. It4s reall ,uc* ,ore co,plicate(. An( t*ese aren4t

reall le's. I *a&e t*ousan(s i) not ,illions o) le's on , un(er/ell an(reall le's. I *a&e t*ousan(s i) not ,illions o) le's on , un(er/ell an(

t*e nu,/er t*at I *a&e o) t*e, rarel c*an'es. T*ese t*in's ea* I ,eant*e nu,/er t*at I *a&e o) t*e, rarel c*an'es. T*ese t*in's ea* I ,ean

I +asn4t al+as a se&en le''e( star)is*. I *a( si0 )or a +*ile occasionallI +asn4t al+as a se&en le''e( star)is*. I *a( si0 )or a +*ile occasionall

)i&e +*en one +as eaten /ut a )e+ ears )i&e +*en one +as eaten /ut a )e+ ears a'o I +as se&erel in6ure( / ,a'o I +as se&erel in6ure( / ,

o+n lunc* a /arnacle an( t+o o) t*e, 're+ /ac2 +*ere one +as /e)ore.o+n lunc* a /arnacle an( t+o o) t*e, 're+ /ac2 +*ere one +as /e)ore.

T*e nu,/er o) appen(a'es is reall 5uite T*e nu,/er o) appen(a'es is reall 5uite ar/itrar8 sas t*e star)is*.ar/itrar8 sas t*e star)is*.



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/u(( an( I *ope ou reall )uc2in' 'ro2 t*at ou a/solutel can4t (o t*is

a'ain8 sas t*e o))icer.

7I appreciate our use o) t*e +or( 4'ro24 /ut I still (on4t un(erstan( +*

I4, in cu))s. -* I4, *ere to /e'in +it*. 4Va'ranc4 ou sa /ut t*ere isn4t

anone in t*e uni&erse +*o isn4t a &a'rant e0cept I suppose )or plants

an( corals an( suc*. An( e&en +it* t*e plants t*e4re on an enor,ous

roc2 t*at is *ur(lin' 0;,illion ,iles per *our relati&e to t*e sun an( t*e

sun is *ur(lin' 0;,illion ,iles per *our relati&e to , )at*er an( reall no

,atter +*ere ou 'o ou can ne&er &isit t*e sa,e place t+ice. T*e onl

+a to (enote an o/6ect4s speci)ic location in t*e uni&erse is / su,,onin'

t*at o)t;)or'otten (i,ension o) ti,e an( e&en t*en ou4ll *a&e a *ell o) a

lot o) trou/le notatin' t*e e0act ti,e in a uni&ersal unit t*at isn4t in an

+a relati&e to t*e eart*. Let4s sa ou can use eart* units an+*ere

t*ou'* 6ust to appease t*e si,ple;,in(e(1 in or(er to (eclare our e0act

position ou ,ust state t*e *our o) t*e (a an( t*e e0act (istance )ro,

e&er o/6ect in t*e uni&erse /ecause on a cos,ic scale no/o( can /e

locate( +it*out statin' e0actl +*ere t*e are relati&e to ot*er o/6ects at

an e0act ti,e. T*e uni&erse is not 6ust one /i' 'ri( +*ere e&ert*in'

*appens in units o) ones an( t+os an( t*rees an( )i&es. In ter,s o)



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relati&e to so,e i,a'inar stationar o/6ect coul( /e ,illions o) ,iles

)ro, +*ere ou are no+. Ho+ can &a'ranc /e a cri,e i) e&er e0istin'

o/6ect is &a'rant: An( e&en i) t*at +asn4t t*e case t*e i(ea t*at an entit

,ust li&e in so,e particular enclosure or else t*e +ill /e place( in

anot*er enclosure is a/solutel (a)t. As )ar as I4, concerne( a star)is* can

li&e +*ere&er *e (a,n +ell pleases or no+*ere in particular. Besi(es t*at

sta'e +as not , (estination it +as ,erel a pit stop on t*e +a to

so,et*in' t*at coul( /e /eauti)ul an( ou4&e torn ,e a+a )ro,

6ourne. ust let ,e /e8 sas t*e star)is*.

T*e o))icer sas1 7Are ou on (ru's:8

An( t*e star)is* sas1 79nl in , (rea,s8 an( *e t*in2s1 7-ell an(

ester(a /ut ester(a is a /a( e0a,ple.8



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VIII

Knit t*e Bellin'*a, (run2 tan2 is a *a&en )or t*ose le)t /e*in( / a

per)ectl or(ere( societ (i&&ie( into si0teen (ou/le /un2s an( an open

/at*roo, le)t to t*e unsorte( canni/als an( (ru' (ealers an( artists

innocent ,en )orce( into a roo, an( ser&e( /rea2)ast +it* t*e lie t*at

e&ert*in' is 'oin' to /e o2a. For ,ost inclu(in' t*e star)is* it4s +*ere

t*e sen( ou /e)ore ou 'et to +*ere ou4re 'oin'. T*e star)is* *as /een

assi'ne( a /otto, /un2 un(erneat* an A)rican elep*ant +*ose /lan2ets

s*i)t /ac2 an( )ort* as t*e star)is* aroun( noon e0a,ines a 'ra))ito le)t

/ a pre&ious in*a/itant o) *is /un2 on t*e un(ersi(e o) t*e /un2 a/o&e

*i,1 7ou are *ere.8 E&erone *as a nic2na,e in t*e (run2 tan2 an( t*e

star)is* reasons t*at it4s /ecause ,ost o) t*e people *ere aren4t +illin' to

o+n up to +*o t*e reall are especiall t*e 'uilt ones. Callin' so,eone

/ t*eir na,e +oul( /e a2in to accusin' t*e, o) /ein' e0actl +*o t*e

aut*orities +ant t*e, to /e /ut no/o( is reall t*at cut an( (r. An( so

our na,e /eco,es a place t*at ou4&e /een or a (istin'uis*in' )acial

)eature or ou earn our nic2na,e /ase( on so,et*in' ou re,i

people o). T*e star)is*4s nic2na,e is 7star)is*.8



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T*e star)is* *as *ear( o) Ne+ or2 /e)ore an( +oul( li2e to learn ,ore

an( so *e sas 7es.8

Colu,/ine sas1 7Fuc2 ea*. So I +as s2ate/oar(in' an( listenin' to Cree(

in ueens +*en...8

7Cree(:8 T*e star)is* (oesn4t 2no+ +*at Cree( is or *e (oes /ut it4s loc2e(

a+a so,e+*ere (eep insi(e *is ,in(.

7Cree( is t*e 'reatest /an( o) all ti,e. T*is ,ot*er)uc2er I )or'et *is

na,e *es li2e OCan ou ta2e ,e *i'*er: an( I 'ot t*e cra&e )or so,e roc2.

Ha&e ou seen t*at &i(eo: Ha&e ou seen t*at )uc2in &i(eo:8 sa

Colu,/ine.

7No /ut i) ou sa t*at Cree( is t*e 'reatest /an( o) all ti,e I /elie&e ou8

sas t*e star)is*. 7I4&e still 'ot a lot to ta2e in a/out li)e on lan(.8

An( Colu,/ine sas1 7T*is (u(e is ,ot*er)uc2in' esus an( *es 'ot t*e

ri'*t (a,n i(ea I nee( to *it t*e )uc2in pipe. Its li2e ou 2no+ +*en ou

)eel li2e ou nee( so,e +ater: Fuc2in' crac2 ,an. So I, li&in' / t*is



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7I *a&en4t a clue8 sas t*e star)is*.

7I t*ro+ t*is ,o)o ca/ (ri&er a Ben6a,in to s*o+ t*at I ,ean /usiness an(

*e starts (ri&in' an( I )uc2in 2no+ +*ere /lin( ,en see its in t*e '*e;*e;

*e;*e;tto. T*is )uc2in san(ni''er (rops ,e o)) at t*is /ar an( tries to 'i&e

,e , c*an'e li2e *es ne&er )uc2in *ear( o) a tip t*is )ala)el eatin'

)uc2in terrorist. I +anna s*o+ *i, +*at its li2e to /e a terrorist /ut I

(ont 'i&e a s*it (u(e I nee( t*e roc2. So I 'et out an( I, / t*is /ar I can

sa one t*in' a/out t*is ass*ole an( its t*at *e sure as )uc2 2no+s +*ere

to )in( t*e (ar2est )uc2in alle in Ne+ or2 so I s2ate o&er to t*e /ar

cause I still *a&e , s2ate/oar( ou 2no+. Do ou s2ate:8 sas Colu,/ine.

7No8 sas t*e star)is*.

Colu,/ine ela/orates1 7Its t*e 'reatest )uc2in t*in' e&er ou s*oul( see

, )uc2in 2ic2)lip. I pic2 up , /oar( an( +al2 in t*e (oor an( I,

se&enteen /ut no/o( )uc2in car(s in t*is s*it*ole an( I 'o up to t*is

/i'ass (u(e an( as2 *i, i) *e 2no+s +*ere to )in( so,e roc2 an( *e 6ust

loo2s at ,e ees li2e )uc2in (a''ers an( I notice *es 'ot so,e )rien(s +it*

*i, too an( t*ere all loo2in at ,e li2e t*at an( I, li2e +*at t*e )uc2 are



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outsi(e ,ot*er)uc2ers an( +e +al2. -e 6ust +al2 /ro )eels li2e a )uc2in

li)eti,e /ut t*e (ont 2no+ +*at t*e )uc2 t*ere 'ettin' into. So +e +al2

/ac2 into t*is alle+a an( t*ere are rats runnin' aroun( an( a coc2roac*

t*e si3e o) our *ea(. Li2e t*is t*in' +as al,ost as /i' as , )uc2in' (ic2

an( t*ese (u(es t*ere ,ust /e si0 o) t*e, 'et in a circle aroun( ,e an( I

as2 e, i) t*ere sure t*e +ant to (o t*is an( t*e /i' 'u t*e one I as2e(

)or t*e roc2 +*ic* I reall reall )uc2in nee( at t*is point 'ra/s , nec2

an( I, not 'onna ta2e an ,ore o) t*is s*it so I poun( , /oar( into *is

)uc2in ear rips t*e /oar( clean in *al) an( *al) t*e 'us )ace is ,issin'

an( ou 2no+ *o+ +*en ou /rea2 a piece o) +oo( its all point an(

s*it: Li2e ou. I ta2e t*is *al) a /oar( an( split open t*e ne0t 'us 'ut

cause I, so )uc2in pisse( t*at , s2ate/oar( is /ro2en an( *is )uc2in

intestines are all o&er t*e roa( an( it s,ells li2e a ,ot*er)uc2

slau'*ter*ouse. 9ne 'u runs a+a an( anot*er 'u 'ra/s ,e an( I aint

'onna tolerate t*is s*it so I 'ou'e out *is ees an( 2ic2 anot*er (u(e li2e a

)uc2in *orse ri'*t in t*e /alls an( /ot* o) t*ese 'us 'o (o+n. T*eres 6ust

one (u(e le)t t*ere an( , *an(s are co&ere( in ee/all s*it. I 6ust loo2 at

t*is 'u. He loo2s at ,e /ac2 an( I can see t*e )uc2in terror I can see t*is

*oo( /itc*s tears an( I can still see t*e san(ni''er ca/ (ri&er an( I

+on(er i) *e( /e prou(. I +on(er i) *e e&er torture( anone i) *e 2ille(



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)ace: I loo2e( li2e a )uc2in +rec2 )or a ,ont* /ut t*is ,ot*er)uc2er aint

/reat*in no ,ore a)ter I rippe( out *is )uc2in esop*a'us an( tore it up into

little pieces cause *e (i(nt *a&e an roc2 eit*er ,an. Not one )uc2in

ni''er in t*is +*ole Go( (a,n to+n 'ot an roc2 an( I, so )uc2in )e( up I

+anna 2ill ,sel) /ut I 6ust cant Go( (a,n (o it. At t*is point I 'ot /loo(

an( ee/all 6uice all o&er , (a,n *an(s so t*eres no turnin' /ac2 an( I

6ust +anna roll in t*at secon( ,ot*er)uc2ers intestines an( soa2 up all t*e

crac2 in *is )uc2in /ones cause I 2no+ t*is /astar( is a liar an( *es roc2e(

out o) *is )uc2in ,in( cause ou cant tell ,e t*eres not one Go( (a,n

ni''er in t*is to+n +*os 'ot a roc2 in *is poc2et. But t*en I t*in2 a/out

t*at 'u +*o 'ot a+a an( *o+ *es pro/a/l co,in /ac2 +it* ,ore or

so,e cops at least an( at t*is point I 2no+ all I can )uc2in (o is c*ec2 t*ese

ass*oles pants an( /olt. 9) course none o) e, 'ot an crac2. Can ou

)uc2in /elie&e t*at: ...so I, )uc2in runnin , ass o)) at $AM an( people

are loo2in at ,e li2e t*e (ont e&en 2no+ +*at I 6ust (i(. I, runnin an(

runnin li2e I aint ne&er run /e)ore in , +*ole )uc2in li)e an( I, so

pisse( cause t*ese ni''ers ruine( , s2ate/oar( an( I still (ont 'ot an

)uc2in crac2. T*eres li2e t*is pu((le in t*e roa( an( I still nee( to +as*

t*e ee/all s*it o))a , *an(s so I (o an( t*is ca/ (ri&es / +it* t*is

ni''er (ri&er +it* (rea(s an( I 6u,p ri'*t t*e )uc2 in. T*is 'u as2s ,e i)



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*ea( an( its (ri&in ,e )uc2in nuts. I tell *i, to (ri&e ,e /ac2 to t*e truc2

stop an( *e as2s +*ats a little +*ite 2i( li2e ,e (oin in t*is part o) to+n

an( I tell *i, I, loo2in )or so,e roc2 an( li2e )uc2in ,a'ic t*is a+eso,e

)uc2in a,aican (u(e sas +* (i(nt ou tell ,e sooner an( *e ta2es ,e

/ac2 to *is place an( +e (o so,e lines an( )uc2. I ne&er )uc2e( a (u(e

/e)ore an( (e)initel aint ne&er )uc2e( a ni''er /ut t*is 'u 'ot ,e *i'*

an( s*o+e( ,e *is pipe so I suc2e( it an( I s+ear to )uc2in esus t*is +as

t*e BEST FKCIN R9C8

T*e 6ailer 'ra/s Colu,/ine / t*e s*oul(ers an( tells *i, *es *a( enou'*

o) t*is /ulls*it. A sel);proclai,e( truc2 (ri&er turns to t*e star)is* an(

sas1 7Do ou t*in2 *es e&er /een to Ne+ or2:8

An( t*e star)is* sas1 7No an( I (on4t t*in2 I4( li2e to 'o eit*er.8



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I

T*e star)is* ,in'les +it* an annoin'l culture( Anarc*o;Li/ertaria

+*o 'oes / t*e na,e 7C*u,p8 possi/l ironicall. C*u,p sas1 7I sa it4s

a/out ti,e so,eone sta'e a coup (4etat an( put t*e 2i/os* on

sc*le,iel )or 'oo(. -*o (oes *e t*in2 *e is so,e sort o) Bra*,an )i'ure:

T*e onl t*in' t*at reall e0ists in a +orl( o) plat*in's so

sc*i3op*renic *i'* an( ,i'*t Meteoran ,on2 scri//lin' *is

co,,an(,ents on so,e stone ta/let:8 He4s o) course tal2in' a/out Mrs.

t*e an'r -ASP 6ailer +*o strip searc*e( *i, in lieu o) 'oo( rationale

>accor(in' to *i,.? T*e star)is* 5uic2l 'ets tire( o) *is Li/erta

/itc*in' as tec*nicall correct as *e ,a /e /ut t*at (oesn4t stop *is

insi(es )ro, (roppin' a centi,eter or t+o +*en Mrs. calls *i, to t*e (oor.

T*e ,an4s ees are as /lac2 as t*e ni'*t s2 on a clou( +inter (a in t*e

+il(erness al,ost as /lac2 as t*e /otto, o) t*e sea. He &iolentl 'ra/s one

o) t*e star)is*4s se&en appen(a'es an( pulls *i, (o+n a )luoresce

*all+a +it* tile( )loors t*at appear to /e arran'e( in a co,p

,at*e,atical pattern until ou start to )i'ure out t*e pattern an( reali3e

t*at one tile *ere an( t*ere 6ust (oesn4t )it an( so ou a(6ust t*e pattern to

)it t*at tile /ut a )e+ steps )urt*er an( t*ere4s anot*er ,isplace( tile an(



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,ore c*allen'in' )eat t*an it soun(s li2e t*e )loor +as (esi'ne( / an

insane ,at*e,atician *ire( to upset an( con)use t*ose in,ates reliant on

structure. Mrs. re,ains silent as t*e +al2 (o+n anot*er *all t*is one

+it* concrete )loors an( t*e star)is* i,a'ines t*e pro/a/l (is)i'ure(

,at*e,atician sittin' in a c*air ra/i(l co,putin' *is o))puttin' ,a'nu,

opus on rea,s o) (ra)tin' paper an( *e su((enl reali3es *e (oesn4t 2no+

+*ere *e4s 'oin' an( t*e *all+a t*at Mrs. is lea(in' *i, (o+n see,s to

'o on )ore&er in perspecti&e t+o apparentl strai'*t lines 'ettin' e&er

closer to'et*er t*e )art*er ou loo2 /ut ne&er &isi/l ,eetin' li2e t*e

place t*e are currentl *ea(in' to+ar( is so,e sort o) *orri/le 6ail*ouse

as,ptote. T*e star)is* 2no+s t*at in or(er )or t*e lines to appe

per)ectl strai'*t in perspecti&e t*e ,ust actuall /e sli'*tl *per/olic

an( *e *as to a))ir, *i,sel) t*at t*is is a 6ail not a ,a(*ouse. Mrs. lea(s

*i, t*rou'* a (oor an( as2s *i, to +ait on a c*air +*ic* *e

enor,ous trou/le cli,/in'.

Mrs. sits li2e a 'ar'ole at a (es2 +atc*in' t*e star)is* /lin2in' ,a/e

one percent less o)ten t*an an *u,an t*e star)is* *as et to encounter

6ust enou'* to /e noticea/le. 7-* a, I *ere:8 t*e star)is* as2s a'ain. Mrs.

(oesn4t ,o&e less spea2 an( t*e (istances /et+een eac* o) *is /lin2s rise



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t*e appen(a'e. For t*e star)is* ri'*t an( le)t are co,pletel ar/itrar

t*in's /ecause *is )ront )aces (o+n+ar( to+ar( t*e eart* *is /ac2 )aces

up+ar( to+ar( t*e crac2e( 6ail*ouse ceilin' an( /ecause all

appen(a'es )acin' all t*e (irections are e5uall i,portant *e percei&es

t*e +orl( in J" (e'rees. T*e /ac2 o) t*e c*air *e sits on is as apparent to

*i, as Mrs. +*ose /lin2in' *as no+ increase( /ac2 to a rate o) one

percent ,ore t*an +*at anone ,i'*t (ee, nor,al )ro, it4s rate o)

percent co,poun(e( t+ice to t+o point 3ero one percent slo+er t*an +*at

,i'*t see, nor,al. As an e0peri,ent t*e star)is* raises an ar, on t*e

ot*er si(e an( Mrs. *ea( coc2s a'ain an( *is /lin2in' rate (ecreases a'ain

an( t*e star)is* )in(s *u,or in t*e 6ailer4s pre(icta/ilit.

T*e star)is* (oesn4t *a&e ,uc* to (o /ut count t*e crac2s on t*e ceilin'

an( conte,plate. He *as to count t*e crac2s usin' )ractals instea( o) linear

,at* /ecause reall t*e are all tin crac2s /ranc*in' o)) o) lar'er crac2s

/ranc*in' o)) o) lar'er crac2s in(e)initel up to t*e )irst crac2.

+on(ers +*o ,i'*t /e t*e ,an *e +as in *is (rea, an( +*o e0actl

Ha,pton ,ust /e. He +on(ers a/out C*ristine. He reali3es t*e ,ost

(istur/in' part o) t*e (rea, is t*at *e )elt suc* lo&e )or t*is +o,an t*at

*e a pre(ator star)is* incapa/le o) natural inti,ac ,i'*t )eel suc* a



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T*e star)is* cli,/s onto anot*er c*air an( Dr. spea2s. 7Ho+ are

ou (oin' to(a star)is*:8

7Not so +ell8 t*e star)is* respon(s. I4, in 6ail. -*o are ou:8 sas t*e

star)is*.

7I4, Dr. . I4, *ere to e&aluate our psc*olo'ical con(ition so +e

can ,a2e an assess,ent o) +*et*er it4s sa)e to allo+ ou /ac2 out into t*e

+orl(8 *e sas.

7I +as tol( I4( /e release( in t*e ,ornin'8 sas t*e star)is*.

7Rela0. I4&e alrea( /een in)or,e( o) t*at /ut in or(er to let ou 'o +e4ll

*a&e to procee( +it* t*is inter&ie+. It4s a )or,alitQ it4s to 2eep t*ose +*o

aren4t )it to return )ro, returnin'. So,e people are sa)er *ere8 sas Dr.

.

7I reall ,ust /e on , +a8 sas t*e star)is*.



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7I (on4t 2no+. I +is* I (i( /ut t*ere are so,e t*in's +e can ne&er 2no+

)or sure8 sas t*e star)is*.

7I sense ou4re a (eep t*in2er8 sas Dr. . 7-*ere are ou )ro,:8

79ri'inall I a, )ro, a place t*at t*e a&era'e ,in( cannot co,pre*en(

so,e+*ere in outer space so,e+*ere in t*e clou(. M ,ost rece

resi(ence +as a sta'e in t*e Fair*a&en Villa'e Green an( /e)ore t*at I

li&e( in t*e sea )or ,an ears8 sas t*e star)is*.

7-* (i( ou lea&e our *o,e in t*e sea:8 sas Dr. as t*e star)is*

notices a *ea&il +orn cop o) t*e Boo2 o) Mor,on on t*e psc*olo'ist4s

en( ta/le.

An( t*e star)is* sas1 7T*ere4s so,et*in' pullin' ,e. I (on4t 2no+ +*at it

is. I4, /ein' (ra''e( to+ar( so,et*in' not e&en entirel +illin'l. I a, a

(u( Dr. . I4&e /een +on(erin' i) t*e t*in' I4, /ein' (ra''

to+ar( ,i'*t /e se0ual in nature. I) I4&e 'ro+n /eon( t*e real, o) t*e

star)is* i) I4, on a pat* to+ar( so,e sort o) p*sical inti,ac t*at cannot

/e e0presse( in t*e lan'ua'e o) , race can onl /e e0presse( in t*e



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part o) i) onl I can transcen( t*is star)is* +orl( an( enter into t*e +orl(

o) *u,ans. I +on(er i) I a, s*i)tin' i) I a, /eco,in' so,et*in' ,uc*

,ore )leetin' /ut ,uc* ,ore ali&e.8

Dr. is a little 6arre( / t*is response. 7Hell is real star)is*.8

7E0cuse ,e:8 sas t*e star)is*.

7Hell is real. T*e +or( o) Go( is t*e sie&e / +*ic* +e ,ust )ilter t*ese

t*in's )ro, our ,in(s. ou ,ust repent or ou +ill not )in( peace8 sas

Dr. .

7I t*ou'*t ou +ere a psc*olo'ist8 sas t*e star)is*.

7our in(i'ence trou/les ,e. Ho+ can ou )in( t*is t*in' ou are ,o&in'

to+ar( i) our ,in( is clou(e( / )ornication: T*e +or( o) Go( is )inal

an( *e +ill 6u('e ou in t*e en( an( i) ou (o not repent t*e 'ates o) *ell

a+ait ou8 sas Dr. . 7I ,ust as2 ou anot*er 5uestion. Do ou 'o

to c*urc* star)is*:8



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7ou reali3e I *ol( t*e 2e to our )ree(o,. I coul( /ran( ou insane an(

2eep ou loc2e( in t*ese +alls or t*e +alls o) anot*er institution )or t*e

rest o) our (as. I a, our sa&ior an( i) ou (o not )ollo+ ,e ou *a&e

no i(ea +*at *orrors a+ait8 sas Dr. .

7Per*aps I a, 'oin' to *ell8 sas t*e star)is* 7/ut t*at )ate is not in our

*an(s an( i) I a, 'oin' to *ell I i,a'ine +e are all 'oin' to *ell. But I4&e

seen suc* /eauti)ul )la,es in t*e cos,os an( i) , )ate is in t*e )la,es so

/e it I a, a star)is* an( I a, )ree.8

7T*at +ill /e all8 sas Dr. an( Mrs. lea(s t*e star)is* (o+n t*e

trail o) sli,e /ac2 to Knit t*eir /ac2s to t*e e&er s*rin2in' as,ptote.



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I

Lunc*ti,e rolls aroun( an( Mrs. s*outs out1 7ou see t*is re( line: ou

step o&er t*is re( line ou (ont 'et our coo2ie. T*e )uc2 (o ou t*in2

oure (oin':8

An( one o) t*e in,ates sas1 7I... I ne&er 'ot a cup.8

7Dont )uc2in' lie to ,e. E&erone 'ets a cup t*eir )irst (a. T*at cup is

our responsi/ilit. Get out o) , )uc2in' +a I, trin' to ser&e lunc*8

sas Mrs.

7No reall. I 6ust 'ot *ere t*is ,ornin' an( no/o( e&er tol( ,e +*ere to

'et a cup8 sas t*e in,ate.

ust li2e t*at so,e poor sap sent o)) to solitar. T*e star)is* lies in

/un2. Colu,/ine an( t*e truc2er are sittin' at one o) t*e se&enteen roun(

ta/les (ottin' Knit an( Colu,/ine sas1 7T*is +asnt 6ust our or(inar

/on' *it t*is +as a /i' /i' /on' *it an( t*en , ,o, +al2e( in an( s*e

+as li2e are ou *un'r: An( I +as li2e ea* +*eres t*e )uc2in pi33a an(



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Mers /ut real I ,ean +oul(nt t*at /e )uc2in cra3:8

7Slo+ t*e )uc2 (o+n8 sas t*e truc2er. 7o star)is*8

T*e star)is* stu,/les out o) /e(. 7M na,e isn4t star)is*.8

7-*ate&er star)is*. C*ec2ers:8 *e as2s.

T*e star)is* ta2es /lac2 as t*e set up t*e pieces.

7So ea*... I +as t*in2in'... I +as t*in2in' I coul( set up a ,o&ie ca,era I

coul( ta2e t*e 2ni)e an( I coul( 6ust slas* *er across t*e )ace ri'*t t*rou'*

t*e ee an(8

Re( ta2es t*e )irst piece.

7into *er /rain an( people +oul( +atc* t*e ,o&ie an( no/o( +oul(

2no+ t*is +as li2e REAL s*it +*en I slit t*e /itc*s t*roat cause t*at +as

one last pi33a I( *a&e to +ait )or an( t*en I( call t*e pi33a 'u still in t*e

,o&ie a 2no+ an( t*is stupi( ,ot*er)uc2er *as no i(ea t*at8



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T*e star)is* sas1 7in' ,e.8

An( t*e truc2er sas1 7Fuc2 ou.8

7Sorr I 'et 2in( o) e0cite(. But ea*. T*e pi33a 'u. T*is stupi( )uc2 *as

no i(ea t*at I, a/out to sta/ *i, in t*e c*est an( ,a2e *i, )uc2 , ,o,

+*ile I eat t*e pi33a an( t*en cut o)) *is (ic2 an( )ee( it to *i, on t*e last

slice an( t*en cut *i, up e&en ,ore /e)ore , (a( 'ets *o,e an( I( turn

o)) t*e ca,era an( put t*e /o(ies /e*in( t*e couc* an( , (a( +ont see

all t*e /loo( /ecause *es color/lin( or so,e s*it an( I tell *i, ,o,s at

Susans an( *e (oesnt e&en 2no+ t*at I, a/out to put t*is s*it

ouTu/e an( I, 'onna /e so )uc2in )a,ous our ees pop out +*en

see ,e an( oure li2e t*is 2i( is t*e ne0t )uc2in Mic*ael Mers ,an. Ha.

-*ats t*at calle( +*en a /unc* o) +or(s start +it* t*e sa,e letter:8

Colu,/ine sas.

7Alliteration8 sas t*e star)is*. 7oure a literar /east Colu,/ine.8

An( t*e truc2er +*ispers1 7Dont call *i, t*at to *is )ace8 as *e 6u,ps one

o) , 2in's an( Colu,/ine starts )reestlin'.



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7Hu*:8 sas t*e truc2er.

7Call it a tie:8

7ea* sure. Goo( 'a,e star)is*.8 He s*a2es one o) t*e star)i

appen(a'es.

7o ic2 up t*e /eats8 ells Colu,/ine.

But /e)ore t*e star)is* can e&en start /eat/o0in' Mrs. cries out1 7Bun2 !8

Colu,/ine stan(s up an( Mrs. sas1 7No/o( +ants ou an,ore. I4, *ere

to ta2e ou *o,e.8

Se&eral o) t*e in,ates cr out li2e a 'reat e&il is /ein' release( into t*e

+orl( an( su((enl t*e star)is* )eels sa)er on t*e insi(e t*an on t*e

outsi(e.



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II

A para(e o) oran'e ,is)its (ru('es in line to a ,anic /eat collectin'

(inner tras an( scatterin'. T*e star)is* appreciates t*e color ora

/ecause it re,in(s *i, o) *is )ello+ star)is*. He steps into t*e line 6oin t*e

rest 'ro''il tappin' t*eir /lue sue(e s*oes alon' to t*e spiralin' /eats o)

t*e 6ail*ouse. Most o) t*e, are silent auto,atons (ri&en to t*eir )oo( onl

/ t*e instinct to sur&i&e.

7T*e tric2 is +*en oure )illin' out our paper+or2 tell t*e, oure a

reco&erin' alco*olic an( t*ell 'i&e ou all t*e Li/riu, ou can eat. I, so

)uc2in' *i'* ri'*t no+8 sas t*e truc2 (ri&er /e*in( t*e star)is* in line.

T*e star)is* reali3es *e can4t carr a tra so *e as2s t*e truc2er to pic2 it

up )or *i, +*ic* *e (oes. T*e truc2er sits at one o) Knit 4s ta/les an( sets

t*e star)is*4s tra in t*e spot ne0t to *is. T*e star)is* cli,/s up onto t*e

tra an( atte,pts to (i'est t*e li5ui( /eans an( )lap6ac2s. T*e truc2 (ri&er

)in(s t*is (is'ustin' /ut to eac* *is o+n *e )i'ures. T*e annoin'l

culture( Anarc*o;Li/ertarian sits opposite t*e,.



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7eep our &oice (o+n s*e4s listenin'8 sas t*e truc2er. 7Di( I tell ou

'us t*e stor o) +* I, *ere: I +as a (ri&er. I ,ean I +as a truc2 (ri&er

/ut I +as a real (ri&er on t*e si(e s,u''lin' s*it a 2no+. I *a( a real

'oo( (eal +it* a 'u supplin' 'e,s )or t*is 6e+eler in Anc*ora'e.8

7Hol s*it8 sas t*e Anarc*o;Li/ertarian.

7Its a 6o/. E&en +*en oure +or2in )or cri,e oure still +or2in )or t*e

,an8 sas t*e truc2er.

7So *o+ (i( ou 'et cau'*t:8 as2s t*e star)is*.

7I, 'ettin' to t*at8 *e sas. 7T*is 'u I s,u''le( )or *e +as a real /i'

,ot*er)uc2er an( *e al+as *a( a couple la(ies *an'in o)) o) i,. T*is ti,e

aroun( *e 'a&e ,e a J Mustan' to (o t*e 6o/ *e 6ust gave it to ,e.8

7To 2eep:8 as2s t*e Anarc*o;Li/ertarian.

7I )uc2in' +is*. T*is +as a one;ti,e (eal. T*e *aul o) a li)eti,e t*ree



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t*e roa( an( as luc2 +oul( *a&e it I run out o) 'as ri'*t t*en an( t*ere.

No+ t*ese 'us see, prett /us t*an2 )uc2 /ut one o) e, t*is surl

(u(e co,es up to , car an( as2s +*at t*e (eal is. I, *i(in' , )las2

/et+een , le's an( trin to )i'ure out a place to put out , ci'arette an(

I, prett o/&iousl +aste(. So,e*o+ I 'et t*rou'* it an( *e *elps ,e

call up a to+ truc2 an( s*o+s ,e t*e +a to a little BB (o+n t*e street.

At t*is point its a/out #"PM an( I 2no+ I&e 'ot no +a to 'et to t*e

i,poun( lot /ut +*ile I +as )u,/lin' aroun( +it* , )las2 I )or'ot ,

p*one c*ar'er in t*e car so I cant call t*e (u(e an( let *i, 2no+ *is

s*ip,ents 'onna /e late cause I (ont 2no+ *is nu,/er / *eart ou

2no+8 sas t*e (ri&er.

7Fuc2 ,an8 sas t*e Anarc*o;Li/ertarian.

7So I (o t*e ne0t /est t*in' 'o (o+n to t*e pap*one loo2 t*rou'* t*e

p*one /oo2 an( 'et ,e a *oo2er. An+a in t*e ,ornin' I ,a2e , +a

to t*e i,poun(. Ha&e a *ell o) a ti,e con&incin' t*e 'u its , car since

, na,es not on an o) t*e papers. 9nce I )inall 'et it /ac2 I open up t*e

trun2 an( e&ert*in' is )uc2in' 'one.8



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7-*at t*e *ell coul( I (o: I sai( t*an2s )or t*e car )oun( t*e nearest

li5uor store )ille( up , )las2 +it* li5ui( suns*ine an( poun(e( /ac2 a

)i)t* on t*e (ri&e *o,e. Di(nt e&en 'i&e a )uc2 i) I 'ot pulle( o&er cause

I( /e sa)er in 6ail.8

T*e annoin'l culture( Anarc*o;Li/ertarian sas1 7So t*ats *o+ t*e 'ot

ou.8

He 'rins. 7Nope. Ma(e it all t*e +a /ac2 *o,e. An( I, (a,n prou(a

,sel) at t*is point. But I +al2 in t*e (oor an( +*at t*e )uc2 *appens /ut

t*e ol( la( starts screa,in an( *o+lin O-*ere t*e )uc2 *a&e ou /een:

-*ose car is t*at: ou s,ell li2e se0.8 Hes silent )or a secon( an( *e

starts to cr. 7I s+ear... I (i(nt ,ean to *it *er t*at *ar(.8

T*e star)is* an( t*e Anarc*o;Li/ertarian are silent. So is t*e truc2 (ri&er.

T*e star)is* (eci(es it4s /est to *ea( /ac2 to *is /un2 an( 'et so,e sleep.



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III

T*e star)is* *as trou/le sleepin' a)ter *earin' Colu,/ine4s an(

truc2er4s stories an( *e tosses an( turns an( +on(ers i) *e4ll e&er /e )ree

a)ter *is encounter +it* t*e Mor,on psc*olo'ist. He (oes ,ana'e to (ri)t

to sleep t*ou'* an( a'ain *is (rea,s are recor(e( *ere )ro,

perspecti&e.

C*ristine4s pencil (ra+n /or(ers ru/ o)) on e&ert*in' s*e

touc*es. A s,u('e o) 'rap*ite slo+l a/sor/s into , lips as

t*e t+o an(roi(s lin2 to'et*er an( (isperse , contents

t*rou'*out t*eir ,etal s*ells. T*rou'* so,e ase0ual

,aneu&er t*e an(roi(s *a&e /eco,e one /iolo'ical

creature po+ere( / , ni'*t,ares. T*e ne+l /orn c/or'

cru,ples into t*e (ar2ness. Her &oice ec*oes in t*e &oi(1 7I

(ont 2no+ +*o ou are an,ore.8 S*e turns to )ace ,e. 7I)

ou an( I are 6ust pieces o) t*is ,ec*anical t*in' t*en +*ere

(oes t*at lea&e us:8

Dan +al2s in unannounce(.



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7Arent I alrea(:8

7Sort o). I, 'onna /e erouac. C*ristine +ants to /e

Gins/er'.8

7But +*at are +e e&en (oin' *ere: Do +e t*in2 +e can 6ust

/e so,eone: Do +e t*in2 +e can /e anone:8

He s+i's )ro, a p*ial o) /u//lin' ello+;'reen li5ui( an(

'ro+s t*ree 5uarters o) an inc* taller. 7Are a )eelin 'roo&

to(a C*ristine:8

7Dan are ou *i'* a'ain:8

7-*os Dan: I, Larr.8 Hes on ,etap*orical aci(. Matt

co,es in ta2es a s+i' )ro, t*e p*ial an( s*rin2s t*ree

5uarters o) an inc*. Larr sits ,enacin'l in t*e corner

plain' classical ,usic on *is AM=FM ra(io an( +atc*in'

ouTu/e.



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He s+itc*es to a &i(eo o) a co2e( out clo+n an( it lau'*s at

,e.

7I) I, Gins/er' an( oure erouac an( Larr is Burrou'*s

+*os Matt:

7I (ont 2no+ *e can /e +*oe&er *e +ants to /e.8

7T*ats t*e tic2et c*ie) t*ats t*e tic2et. Drin2 our )ire+ater

an( preten( to /e )ree. Preten( +ere )ree to /e +*o,e&er

+e +ant. Slurp t*e /u//les co,ra(e. T*e +orl( is a

panora,a. T*e +orl( is in our *ea( C*ristine an( ours.8

Matt points to ,e. 7Vultures 2eep on circlin' our precious

)les* s,o2in' rin's aroun( (rea,s. 9ne o) us ,ust /e to

/la,e )or t*e )ier tor,ent t*at a+aits us 9ne o) us ,ust /e

t*e cause o) all t*is con)usion8

T*e c/or's *(raulic li,/s scrape t*e 'roun( as it tries to

stan( upri'*t )or t*e )irst ti,e. It )alls /ac2+ar( an( catc*es

itsel) on its *in( li,/s. M *i(eous c*il( a'ain )lips



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sta''ers li2e a (run2en teena'er to t*e soun( o) Stra&ins2s

7T*e Fire/ir(8 still /u33in' in t*e static o) Larrs *an(*el(

ra(io. T*e clo+ns piercin' ees )ollo+ , ,o&e,ents.

I )in( ,sel) on t*e train +it* no particular (estination

scrunc*e( up /et+een a /al(in' /usiness,an an( a 'irl +*o

re,in(s ,e too ,uc* o) C*ristine. I li2e to +atc* out t*e

su/+a +in(o+s *opin' t*at one (a I ,i'*t catc* a 'li,pse

o) t*e ,ole people piecin' to'et*er t*eir un(er'roun(

societ. T*e sa t*e li&e (o+n *ere in t*e (ar2est corners

+*ere no one can see t*e, rea(in' ester(as ne+spapers.

T*e 'irl catc*es ,e loo2in' out t*e +in(o+ an( s,iles. S*e

'ets o)) t*e train an( e&in ta2es *er place ca,era in to+. In

t*e un(er'roun( people (ont nee( to (istance t*e,sel&es

)ro, eac* ot*er. People (ont nee( to /e a)rai(.

e&in an( I stan( up. He )ollo+s ,e aroun( +it* *is ca,era

as I +al2 )ro, car to car i'norin' t*e 7Do Not Enter8 si'ns

/et+een /u'' (oors rea(in' t*e )air tales un(erneat*

peelin' laers o) 'ra))iti. -e 'et o)) at t*e ne0t stop an(



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t*e (ar2ness.

Matt appears as i) out o) no+*ere. 7I +as pissin' in a urinal

+*en t*e aci( 2ic2e( in in t*e /ac2 o) so,e C*inese

restaurant. Me an( Dan /ou'*t t*e stu)) o)) t*is 'u in a

,ulticolore( turtlenec2 capri pants an( a cape a )uc2in'

cape 'alli&antin' aroun( To,p2ins S5uare Par2 li2e so,e

sort o) ,in(;e0pan(in' super*ero. T*e urinal +ater

s*i,,ere( +it* ,a'ni)icence. Di( I e&er tell ou a/out La

C*orrera:8

7A ,illion ti,es ,an.8

-*en e&in )inall runs out o) )il, I tear it to s*re(s an(

call it 7Faile( Fil, Nu,/er 9ne1 A Ne+ Sculpture For t*e

In&isi/le Galler.8

7T*is 'u *i(es /e*in( *is cape. I t*in2 *e li&es in (enial.8

9nce a'ain I, tie( to a ,etal s*el) an( t*e c/or' +atc*es



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7-ere *ere )or a reason. T*ere +as not*in' else +e coul(

(o.8

7I 2no+.8

7T*ere +as no+*ere else to )uc2 up an( ou 6ust 2ept

+*isperin' Oinsi(e insi(e insi(e. 9n t*e (a t*at I touc*e(

, na2e( ass*ole t*e 'lor o) it all t*e 'lor o) it all crin'

o) eternal li)e t*rou'* nano/ots crin' )or t*e en(.8

T*e c/or' slo+l stretc*es , /o( ,olecule / ,olecule

into a /un(le o) en(less strin's an( I s*u((er across t*e

'ala0 t*rou'* )ar,lan( an( ur/an spra+l.



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IV

7Bun2 !8 T*e &oice o) Mrs. rin's out. 7Bun2 !8

T*e star)is* a+a2es an( 'li(es on *is trail o) sli,e to+ar( t*e )ence( o))

entr+a to Knit . 7es:8

An( Mrs. spea2s a'ain t*ose sa,e ten +or(s t*at let Colu,/ine out into

t*e +il(1 7No/o( +ants ou an,ore. I4, *ere to ta2e ou *o,e.8 An( *e

slaps so,e cu))s on t*e star)is* an( lea(s *i, /ac2 (o+n t*e *all+a +it*

t*e per)ectl ran(o, tiles an( t*e in)inite *all+a /ut t*is ti,e it (oesn4t

)eel so in)inite an( t*e 5uic2l reac* t*e en( +*ere t*e t+o lines ,eet at

a s5uare;s*ape( (ou/le (oor loc2e( )ro, t*e outsi(e. Mrs. presse

/utton an( an atten(ant or 'uar( or 6ailer on t*e ot*er si(e o) t*e (oor

opens it up an( t*e star)is* an( t*e trant s*u))le +it* purpose into t*e

6ail4s lo//. As t*e (oor s*uts /e*in( t*e, Mrs. re,o&es t*e star)is*4s

t*ree sets o) *an(cu))s an( +al2s *i, to t*e )ront (es2 +*ere a cler2 calls

*i, out. 7Star)is*:8

7T*at4s ,e8 *e sas.



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possessions8 sas t*e cler2.

7T*at +on4t /e necessar8 sas t*e star)is*. 7I (on4t *a&e an possessions.8

T*e cler2 'i&es *i, a )unn loo2. 7ou4ll still nee( to )ill out t*e )or,s.8

7I *ate to /e a /ot*er8 sas t*e star)is* 7/ut I *a&en4t 'ot t*e p*sical

capacit to 'rip a pencil an( e&en i) I (i( I a, illiterate. I cannot rea( or

+rite.8 T*e star)is* can sense t*at t*e cler2 loo2s (o+n on *i, )or t*is

an( not onl /ecause *is *ei'*t is a ,ere t*ree inc*es. 7Is illiterac not a

co,,on pro/le, in t*is societ:8

T*e cler2 sas1 7No +e 'et e, in *ere all t*e ti,e8 an( t*e star)is* +ants

to curse /ut *e e0ercises sel);control. 7-*at4s our na,e:8

7I *a&en4t 'ot one.8 T*e cler2 loo2s at t*e star)is* li2e *e4s /loo( )uc2in'

/on2ers.

Mrs. spea2s up1 7-e 2no+ ou4&e 'ot a na,e. E&erone *as a na,e. I can

t*ro+ ou ri'*t /ac2 in t*at cell /loc2 i) ou (on4t 'i&e up t*is act.8



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not*in' ille'al8 sas t*e star)is*.

An( Mrs. sas1 7ou4re pus*in' it. ou4&e 'ot to t*e count o) t*ree. 9ne...

T+o...8

7Fine. I4, C*arles. C*arles t*e star)is*. Is t*at 'oo( enou'* )or ou:8

t*e cler2 +rites 7C*arles t*e star)is*8 on *is (ocu,ents *an(s *i, a cop

an( in)or,s *i, t*at *e4s )ree to 'o.

T*e star)is* )inall )eels li2e *e can start *ea(in' /ac2 to+ar( +*ate&er it

is *e4s *ea(in' to+ar( an( )or t*e )irst ti,e *e t*in2s *e 2no+s +*at it

,i'*t /e. Se0ual inti,ac. 7In t*e +or(s o) Dr. t*is is 'oin' to /e

one *ell o) a 6ourne8 *e t*in2s as *e crosses t*e t*res*ol( out into t*e

+orl( +*ere e&erone can see *i, a )ree star)is* e0itin' a 6ail*ouse. 7It4s

ti,e to turn o&er a ne+ ,ot*er)uc2in' lea)8 an( t*e )irst t*in' *e sees out

t*ere in t*e real +orl( on t*e streets o) Bellin'*a, is a ,aroon !""

Do('e Cara&an Sport s2i((in' to a *alt +it* anot*er ,aroon !"" Do('e

Cara&an Sport sla,,in' into it )ro, /e*in(. In t*e +rec2a'e *e can

/arel tell +*ere t*e )irst ,ini&an /e'ins an( t*e secon( en(s an( i) it

+asn4t )or t*e /loo( *e +oul( s+ear t*at t*e t+o ,ac*ines *a( ,er'e(



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V

T*e star)is* is +ell o)) *is pat* to+ar( +*ate&er it is *e4s ,o&in' to+ar(

+*ic* *e 2no+s in in Fair*a&en (espite *is +ac2o (rea,s o) Ne+ or2

Cit an( *e can )eel t*at t*e t*in' is so,e*o+ in ,otion +*ic* /ot*

causes *i, to s+er&e /ac2 an( )ort* on *is pat* an( (istur/s *i, in t*e

,ost unco,)orta/le sort o) +a. A +*ac2e( out t+ent one ear ol( artist

crosses *is pat* *i'* on 'o( 2no+s +*at tal2in' to a Sa,sun' Gala0 SII

s,artp*one +*ic* is a little out o) (ate at t*is point.

7No+ I4, not sain' psc*e(elics are )or e&erone. In )act t*e4re not )or

,ost people. I4, an artist. Loo2 at it t*is +a. I (o (ru's so ou (on4t *a&e

to. ou can see t*e t*in's t*at I see / rea(in' , /oo2s or / listenin' to

, ,usic or +atc*in' , )il,s. No+ i) ou li2e t*ose t*en ,a/e LSD is

so,et*in' +ort* loo2in' into /ut not necessaril. T*e psc*e(e

e0perience opens (oors t*at ou can ne&er close an( ou can4t 2no+ )or

sure +*at4s on t*e ot*er si(e o) t*at (oor until ou4&e loo2e(. ou +ill see

t*in's t*at +ill c*an'e our entire li)e /ut t*at (oesn4t ,ean ou s*oul(.

M 5uestions to ou1 A? Are ou an e,otionall sta/le person: B? Is t*ere

ant*in' in our li)e an /elie) an *a/it t*at ou a/solutel can not 'i&e



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*ate( t*e,sel&es. Gus +*o *ate( t*e +orl( aroun( t*e,. Put a ta/ o)

aci( on t*eir ton'ues an( t*e are tic2in' ti,e /o,/s. 9nce t*e li,/s start

to 'et *ea& t*eir ,in( 'oes to a (ar2 (ar2 place. I) ou can loo2 at

oursel) in t*e ,irror an( 'o 4ea* ,a/e I4, )la+e( /ut I4, co,)orta/le

an( I4, +illin' to loo2 past t*e *orri/le s*it t*at I so,eti,es t*in2 a/out

in or(er to 'o on t*is a(&enture4 THAT is +*en t*e psc*e(elic e0perience

/eco,es a &ia/le option. ou (on4t ta2e aci( /ecause ou +ant to c*an'e

+*o ou are. ou ta2e aci( /ecause ou +ant to un(erstan( our )la+s

,ore (eepl so ou can start to +or2 t*e, out an( ,a/e e&en learn a

t*in' or t+o a/out t*e +orl( aroun( ou +*ile ou4re at it. Kntil ou can

(o t*at sta in our /o0 an( en6o t*e art t*e +a ou see it. It4s certainl

not so,et*in' ou (o 6ust /ecause it soun(s li2e )un. 9nce ou4&e /ro2en

t*e seal on our ,in( ou can4t 6ust return t*e (a,n t*in' to t*e -al;

Mart Courtes Counter. No I *ear ou. I 2no+ ou +ant to (o it an( i)

ou4&e reall t*ou'*t it out 'o )or it. ust /e prepare( o. Man )uc2 ou

t*is s*it is *ar( to )in(8 an( t*e +*ac2e( out artist (isappears into t*e

(istance +*ile t*e star)is* tries to )in( *is /earin's. He4s prett )ar a+a

)ro, +*ere *e4s 'oin' at least in cra+lin' (istance /ut *e 2no+s it4s in a

'enerall sout*erl (irection. He *ea(s sout* on Prospect St.

continues onto Ba St. /ut alt*ou'* *e4s onl tra&ele( a/out #"" )eet



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7A ou8 cries t*e star)is* 'ettin' t*e attention o) a ca/ (ri&er. 7Ta2e ,e

to Fair*a&en I nee( to 'et lai(8

7ou sure Fair*a&en4s t*e place )or t*at:8 as2s t*e ca/ (ri&er.

An( t*e star)is* sas1 7a/solutel.8

7-ell custo,er4s al+as ri'*t8 sas t*e ca/ (ri&er 7/ut our o((s are

/etter on t*e --K ca,pus.8

7T*e o((s onl point one +a8 sas t*e star)is* 7e&en i) t*e +*

uni&erse reall is a cloaca.8

7-*at:8 sas t*e ca/ (ri&er ,ore o) an e0cla,ation t*an a 5uestion.

7ust ta2e ,e to Fair*a&en8 sas t*e star)is* as *e cli,/s up into t*e ca/

an( slo+l (i'ests t*e )u33 stu)) on t*e /ac2 seat an( t*e ca/ (ri&er ta2es

*i, /ac2 to t*e Fair*a&en Villa'e Green +*ere *e +as )irst arreste( )or

&a'ranc. T*an2)ull it /ein' t*e /e'innin' o) a ne+ (a *e *as no

reason to cras* out a'ain anti,e soon.



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lan( an( t*e ca/ (ri&er sas1 7T*at4ll /e )ourteen (ollars.8

An( t*e star)is* as2s *onestl1 7-* +oul( I sell out , san( (ollar

)rien(s to so,e sli, ca/ (ri&er8 an( *e 2eeps (i'estin' t*e )a/ric on t*e

seat an( t*e ca/ (ri&er s*outs.

7ou /astar( 'i&e ,e , ,one8 an( t*e star)is* reali3es *e isn4t tal2in'

a/out sea critters *e4s tal2in' a/out )inance. T*e star)is* lo&es )inance.

79* T*is is a ,one t*in' Mone is so )ascinatin'. T*e (on4t *a&e it in

t*e sea or in space8 sas t*e star)is* an( t*e ca/ (ri&er 'ets a cra3e( loo2

in *is ee.

7Get t*e )uc2 out o) , ca/8 *e sas.

An( t*e star)is* sas1 7I (on4t 2no+ *o+ to open t*e (oor.8

An( t*e ca/ (ri&er 'ets out o) t*e ca/ li)ts t*e star)is* in *is *an( >+*ic*

t*e star)is* partiall (i'ests? an( t*ro+s t*e star)is* *al)+a across t*e

&illa'e 'reen +*ic* as +e4&e (iscusse( in a prior c*apter is appro0i,atel



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(ri&er4s /ac2 seat an( as stran'e as it ,a see, t*e star)is* reali3es

upsi(e (o+n on t*e 'rass in t*e Fair*a&en Villa'e Green t*at t*e t*in'

*e4s ,o&in' to+ar(s isn4t in Fair*a&en an,ore.



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VI

He4s lost an( *opeless. He 2no+s +*ere *e4s /een an( *e 2no+s +*ere

*e4s 'oin' /ut *e (oesn4t 2no+ *o+ to 'et t*ere an( *e )i'ures )uc2 i) t*e

t*in' *e nee(s is se0 it4s ti,e to )in( it +*et*er it )eels li2e it ,i'*t /e

ri'*t +*ere I a, or not. A purple opossu, cra+ls up /esi(e *i, +*ic* is

stran'e /ecause opossu,s are usuall nocturnal. It4s also stran'e /ecause

t*e Bellin'*a, area is t*e onl part o) t*e Paci)ic nort*+est +*

opossu,s e&en li&e /ut t*e star)is* (oesn4t particularl care a/out t*e

(etails. 7He He8 sas t*e opossu,. 7ou +anna 2no+ *o+ I

purple:8

7No8 sas t*e star)is*.

7Co,e on8 sas t*e opossu,. 7ou +on4t listen I4ll 6ust )uc2in eat ou. So

/asicall I 'ot purple /ac2 in Fe/ruar. It +as a col( e))in Fe/ruar an(

t*at4s +*en I 'ot purple.8

7An(:8 sas t*e star)is*.



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An( t*e star)is* sas1 7ust 'et t*e )uc2 a+a )ro, ,e /astar(.8

An( t*e opossu, is li2e1 7-*at t*e )uc2:8 an( *e starts to cr. 7-* +oul(

ou sa so,et*in' li2e t*at: I (i(n4t (o ant*in' I s+ear I (i(n4t +* (oes

e&erone *ate ,e I4, a lo&a/le purple opossu,8 an( *is tears an( t*e

rain ,a2e t*e purple color strea2 li2e +et ,ascara.

7I... I4, sorr8 sas t*e star)is* an( t*e purple opossu,4s purple color

continues to run. 7...ou *a&en4t reall /een purple since Fe/ruar *a&e

ou:8

An( t*e tear;ee( purple opossu, sas1 7No. I 6ust 'ot purple

,ornin'. I 6ust +ante( to see, interestin'. I (on4t *a&e an )rien(s. I 6ust

+ante( people to li2e ,e.8

7T*ere t*ere8 sas t*e star)is* pattin' t*e purple opossu, on t*e /ac2

+it* one o) *is se&en appen(a'es /ut t*at (irt /astar( opossu, rips t*e

ar, o)) +it* *is teet* an( runs o)) to a tree so,e+*ere to c*e+ on it an(

t*e star)is* is )la//er'aste( an( *e s*outs1 7Get /ac2 *ere )uc2er an(

)i'*t ,e li2e a ,an8 A c*il( +it* a /alloon stops in *is trac2s an( (rops



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7ou /etter run ou all /etter )uc2in run8 an( *e *i(es un(er a (u,pster

)or (as +aitin' )or *is ar, to 'ro+ /ac2. As *e suc2s up 'ri,e un(er t*e

(u,pster in t*e alle /et+een t*e ca) an( t*e Me0ican restaurant as *e

+atc*es *is li,/ re'enerate *e notices t*at eac* o) *is li,/s *a&e 'ro+n

/ ,ore t*an a 5uarter o) an inc*. He i,a'ines *i,sel) suc2in' up 'ri,e

until t*e *eat (eat* o) t*e uni&erse. He i,a'ines *i,sel) as t*e ulti,ate

(e&ourer o) t*in's. He i,a'ines *i,sel) as *is )at*er.



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VII

7So,et*in' is +ron' +it* ,e8 sas t*e star)is*. 7T*ere4s so,et*in' I4&e

'ot to (o an( I 6ust can4t (o it. I t*ou'*t I 2ne+ +*ere I +as 'oin' /ut it

)eels li2e it4s )art*er a+a no+ t*an it4s e&er /een.8

T*e +o,an on t*e par2 /enc* leans o&er to *i,. 7-e all )eel t*at +a. I

6ust 'ot out o) )il, sc*ool an( I4&e 'ot t*is a,a3in' screenpla

(stopian sci;)i ,asterpiece o) a t*in' /ut I can4t )in( anone to pro(uce it.

It4s too ris2 +it* too ,an special e))ects. It4ll 'et /etter t*ou'* so,e(a.

So,e(a people +ill /e' ,e to ,a2e , )il,s an( so,e(a people +ill

/e' ou to... +*at is it t*at star)is* (o:8

7It4s *ar( to e&en sa8 *e sas. 7I4, not e0actl an or(inar star)is*. I4&e

co,e to ter,s +it* t*at. Star)is* are /uilt to (e&our an( t*at4s a /i' part o)

+*o I a, /ut t*ere4s anot*er part t*at I 6ust can4t let 'o o) an( it4s t*at I

2no+ alon' +it* , (e&ourin' I4, (estine( to create. T*e stru

/et+een creation an( (estruction t+ists ,e aroun( on t*e insi(e.8

7-*at4s our na,e star)is*:8 as2s t*e )il,,a2er.



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C*arles /ut ,ost people 6ust call ,e star)is*.8

7T*at +on4t (o at all8 sas t*e )il,,a2er. 7I4, 'oin' to call ou Pietro.8

7I li2e t*at8 *e sas an( *e stru''les to sa t*is ne0t /it1 7an( I can *elp

ou.8

7Ho+:8 s*e as2s.

7ou sai( ou4&e 'ot t*is screenpla an( ou sa it4s 'oo(8 sas

star)is* or Pietro or C*arles. 7T*at4s all t*at ,atters. ou (on4t nee( a

pro(ucer. ou (on4t nee( ot*er people4s ,one to ,a2e our )il,. I) ou

lo&e t*e )il, ou4ll )in( a +a.8

7It4s not t*at si,ple8 s*e sas.

7Sure it is8 *e sas. 7Let4s 'o /ac2 in ti,e )or a ,o,ent an( consi(er t*e

#<$ apanese )il, Go6ira. Go6ira ou see is a (stopian sci;)i )il, set in

+*at +as t*en present (a To2o. Go6ira *a( +*at +as at t*e ti,e a &er

lar'e /u('et. -atc* t*e )il, an( a(,ire its /eaut an( its si,plicit. T*e



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to /e (oin' it /ecause t*e4re trappe( in t*e +orl( o) /i' /u('et co,puter

ani,ate( special e))ects an( na,e /ran( actors an( I4, tellin' ou it

(oesn4t *a&e to /e t*at +a. -it* 6ust our i,a'ination an( a /uc2et o)

paint ou an( our )rien(s can create t*e +orl( o) our )il, ou can

create t*e )uture. Sure it4s not 'oin' to /e eas /ut it4s not suppose( to /e

eas. Put so,e *ar( +or2 into it an( /uil( t*e t*in' +it* our *an(s an(

I4&e 'ot a (a,n 'oo( )eelin' our )il, +ill /e a *it.8

7T*at ,eans so ,uc* to ,e8 sas t*e )il,,a2er 7/ut +*at ou (on4t

un(erstan( is t*e role t*e ,ar2et plas in all o) t*is. Fin(in' (istri/ution

,ar2etin' it4s one /i' +e/ o) co,,ercial 'lor. T*is is a +orl( o) pa to

pla contracts an( inti,i(ation.8

An( t*e star)is* sas1 7T*ere ,a /e a /i' corporate ,an in t*e s2 +*ose

&oice /oo,s (o+n (is(ain on t*e little 'u +*o )orces ou out o) t*e

,ar2et /ut t*is la/or is a la/or o) lo&e8 an( Pietro t*in2s *e4s turnin' a

ne+ lea). 7-*at ,atters is t*e )il, an( i) ou lo&e t*e )il, t*e )il, +ill

lo&e ou /ac2.8

A oun' ,an co,es up /e*in( t*e +o,an an( startles *er. 7es



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*eart can )eel so,et*in' rippin' insi(e o) *i, an( *e notices *e4s 'ro+

et anot*er 5uarter o) an inc* sli(in' (o+n *is trail o) sli,e to+ar( a

'ri, little cantina a )e+ /loc2s east t*at *e *ear( a/out )ro, a +an(erin'

*o/o t*e pre&ious ni'*t1 t*e onl +aterin' *ole in Fair*a&en open 4til !AM.



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VIII

7Fuc2 ,e8 sas t*e star)is* /ut t*e /arten(er (oesn4t *ear *i, +*ic* is

pro/a/l )or t*e /est. T*e /lac2 *ole in t*e centre o) *is /o( suc2s up s*ot

a)ter s*ot o) c*eap /our/on an( *e4s )eelin' it. A 'roup o) colle'e a'e( ,e

sits at a ta/le near t*e /ar sla,,in' (o+n +*ite Russians an( sin'in' a

(rin2in' son' to t*e tune o) T*ree Blin( Mice1

I li2e ,il2 I li2e ,il2

It co,es )ro, co+s it co,es )ro, co+s

It starte( o)) as t*e /a/4s ,eal

+*o 'ot 5uartere( an( /utc*ere( an( ,a(e into &eal

I li2e ,il2 I li2e ,il2

7Get ,e se&en o) +*at t*e4re *a&in'8 sas t*e star)is* an( t*e /arten(er

/e'ru('in'l accepts. S*e )ills se&en roc2s 'lasses an( arran'es t*e, into

a *e0a'on t+o a(6acent 'lasses tan'ent to t*ree 'lasses in a strai'*t ro+

tan'ent to t+o ,ore s,,etrical a(6acent 'lasses. T*e star)is* cli,/s atop

t*e 'lasses places an appen(a'e eac* in t*e si0 alon' t*e outer ri,

lea&in' t*e ne+l 'ro+n appen(a'e a+2+ar(l *an'in' /et+een t*e t+o



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/ri, s*rin2s at a rate o) U#=>0.!? +*ere t*e 0 is ti,e in secon(s is t*e

*ei'*t o) t*e li5ui( in t*e 'lass in inc*es t*e 'lass itsel) is )our inc*es tall

t*ere can /e no ne'ati&e ti,e or *ei'*t an( t*e t*ic2ness o) t*e /otto, o)

t*e 'lass is rou'*l *al) an inc*. T*e 'lass can ne&er /e co,pletel e,pt

/ecause t*e /lac2 *ole at t*e centre o) t*e star)is* is e0ponentiall less

e))icient at suc2in' up alco*ol 'i&en 'reater (istance )ro, t*e tar'et /oo3e

so a)ter se&eral secon(s alt*ou'* t*e strea, o) li5uor up into t*e star)is*

re,ains constant t*e suction 'ro+s slo+er an( slo+er /ut still *e 2eeps

on suc2in' +*ile *is si0 appen(a'es (ippe( in +*ite Russian pull li5uor

to+ar( t*e centre o) t*e star)is* al/eit at a lesser rate &ia acti&e transport.

Alt*ou'* t*e &olu,e o) t*e alco*ol is 'reater t*an t*e &olu,e o) t*e

star)is* *i,sel) *is tin /lac2 *ole pac2s it into an e0tre,el (ense /ut

,ana'ea/le state. T*e star)is* is 'o( (a,n tras*e(.

More an( ,ore people pac2 into t*e cantina t*ere ,ust /e so,e sort o)

e&ent 'oin' on or so,et*in'. Instea( o) 'ro+in' on an S;cur&e as t*e

star)is* +oul( e0pect )or t*e population (ensit o) an 'i&en location t*e

population o) t*e /ar 6ust 2eeps 'ro+in' )aster an( )aster to t*e point

+*ere t*e s*eer pressure o) )les* on )les* s5uee3es /arel intact /o(ies out

t*e (oor at a rate o) t*ousan(s per secon( /ut t*e 6ust 2eep co,in' in.



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point +*ere t*e population (ensit is too *i'* )or an ,o&e,ent /ut 6ust

)ractionall lo+er t*an t*e (ensit re5uire( )or t*er,onuclear )usion. T*e

roo, is so /lac2 e&en ti,e cannot escape.

7Are ou alri'*t:8 t*e /arten(er repeats.

T*e star)is* slurs1 7Ne&r /etr8 an( t*e /arten(er c*uc2les.

7It 'ets li2e t*is on Fri(a ni'*ts. Toni'*t is our *un(re( an( )ort )irst

+ee2l )reestle san(+ic*er co,petition8 sas t*e +aitress.

7San(+ic*er:8 as2s t*e star)is*. 7Si'nnnn,e t*e )uc2up.8

7E0cuse ,e:8 as2s t*e +aitress.

7Si'n ,e up8 repeats t*e star)is*.

An( t*e /arten(er sas1 7Done.8

At t*is point /o(ies are *urlin' t*rou'* t*e air out t*e (oor / t*e



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/arten(er an( 6ust si0teen oun' san(+ic* artists all *ere )or t*e +ee2l

e&ent. T*e star)is* *as ,eta/oli3e( *is +*ite Russians an( /our/on ,ore

5uic2l t*an *e e0pecte( /ut *e4s still &er (run2. 7-*ere (i( e&erone

'o:8 *e as2s.

7T*ere4s a ri&al )reestle san(+ic*er co,petition across t*e street8 sas

t*e /arten(er. T*e star)is* notices s*e4s cute. 7T*e4&e /een ta2in' a lot o)

our /usiness t*ese last )e+ +ee2s.8

7Do ou +ant ,e to 'o o&er t*ere an( s*o+ e, +*o4s /oss:8 as2s t*e

star)is*. 7I a, a /orn (e&ourer.8

79*:8 sas t*e /arten(er +*o slo+l /ut pla)ull a((s /o//in' *er *ea(

)ro, si(e to si(e upon t*e &er clear enunciation o) eac* +or(1 7T*at...

+on4t... /e necessar8 an( s*e lau'*s.

7-*at t*e )uc2 *a&e I 'otten ,sel) into:8 t*e star)is* t*in2s an( in *is

,in( *e *esitates /e)ore )uc2in' t*e /arten(er +il(l. 9) course as state(

it is all in *is ,in(.



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I

T*e cantina4s *un(re( an( )ort )irst +ee2l )reestle san(+ic*

co,petition inclu(es ei'*t tea,s an( a sin'ular star)is* +it* )ull rei'n on

all t*e all t*e in're(ients in t*e stereotpical /ar 2itc*en. 7-*at is *e

(oin': Is *e insane:8 sas one o) t*e oun' ,en entere( in t*e contest as

*e s*u))les pastra,i li2e a (ec2 o) car(s.

T*e star)is* ,assa'es Matou24s Calpso Sauce 'arlic po+(er an( M..

Alas2an S+eet an( Spice Spice >spice spelle( +it* an e? into t+o poun(s

o) 'roun( /ee) li2e it4s part o) so,e *orri/le se0 act co&erin' t*e ,eat in

sli,e. 7Is t*ere a Geor'e Fore,an Grill in t*is 'o( (a,ne( 2itc*en: Get ,e

a Geor'e Fore,an Grill8 *e s*outs as *e +or2s *is +a (o+n to insert a

pi33a into t*e o&en.

7-* are ou ,a2in' a pi33a:8 as2s t*e cute /arten(er +*o all o) t*e

su((en s,ells li2e ,ari6uana an( *appens to /e *ol(in' a Geor

Fore,an Grill.

7Get o)) , case8 sas t*e star)is* 7I4, *un'r. Gi&e ,e t*at 'rill8 an(



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T*e star)is* s*apes t*e loa) o) ,eat into a se,icircle an( sli(es it o&er onto

t*e Geor'e Fore,an Grill. It si33les. So,e o) t*e contestants are +or2in'

+it* re /rea( so,e +it* /a'els /ut t*e star)is* (oesn4t appear to *a&e

an /rea( at all in *is repertoire +*ic* /e)u((les ,an an( an'ers all.

7-*ate&er *e4s ,a2in' it can4t /e a san(+ic*8 one o) t*e contestants

s*outs.

T*e /arten(er 'i&es t*e star)is* a (isappointe( loo2. 7ou 2no+ t*is isn4t

6ust a )ree rei'n o) t*e 2itc*en (u(e8 s*e sas.

7Gi&e ,e space8 sas t*e star)is* an( *is o&en ti,er (in's. 7-oul( ou

,in( *elpin' ,e ta2e t*is pi33a out o) t*e o&en:8

7T*is is a san(+ic*er co,petition. ou4re ,a2in' a pi33a. I ,i'*t *a&e to

(is5uali) ou8 s*e sas.

7Please 6ust *elp ,e out *ere8 *e sas an( t*e /arten(er re,o&es t*e

pi33a )ro, t*e o&en an( sets it ne0t to t*e star)is*. E&erone is still 6ust

+atc*in' an( t*e star)is* is still too. Su((enl *e slices t*e pi33a in *al)

pulls t*e loa) o) 'rille( ,eat onto one *al) o) t*e pi33a an( )lips t*e ot*er



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Silence an( a)ter a )e+ secon(s one o) t*e ot*er contestants sas 7o* )uc2

t*is8 an( e&er one o) t*e, +al2s a+a (e)eate( lea&in' t*e star)is*

alone +it* t*e /arten(er +*o *appens to *a&e t*e ,unc*ies.

7Loo2s li2e +e4&e 'ot a +inner8 s*e sas an( t*e 'o//le (o+n

Pi33a/ur'er to'et*er an( it4s t*e /est t*in' eit*er o) t*e, *a&e e&er eaten.



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7E&en so,eone li2e ,e +it* access to all t*e 2no+le('e in t*e uni&erse

nee(s a )ilin' sste,8 sas t*e star)is* an( t*e cute /arten(er no(s *er

*ea( as t*e +al2 (run2 an( *i'* *ea(in' sout* on ##t* Street. 7I4ll start

+it* , ,et*o( )or re,e,/erin' lon' strin's o) nu,/ers. -*at ou nee(

to (o is /pass t*e ,at*e,atical portion o) our t*ou'*t process an( 'et

t*e lan'ua'e centres )ire( up. Basicall ou /e'in / assi'nin' a letter to a

(i'it. "U9 #UM !UE UN $UA UP JUK UR UI an( <UT. It4s a si,ple

cip*er an( it s*oul( /e (rille( o)ten (urin' t*e earl sta'es t*orou'*l

,e,ori3e(. I4&e c*osen t*ese particular letters /ecause o) t*e nu,/er o)

,e,ora/le co,/inations ou can 'et )ro, t*e, an( I4&e assi'ne( &o+els

to e&en nu,/ers an( consonants to o(( nu,/ers to )urt*er *elp +it*

,e,ori3ation. T*e consonants are in alp*a/etical or(er to 5uic2en t*at

process e&en ,ore. 9nce ou4&e ,e,ori3e( t*e cip*er ou can /e'in +it*

a s,all nu,/er. -e4ll start +it* t+ent;si0 (i'its. Are ou )ollo+in' ,e:8

T*e /arten(er is +al2in' si(e / si(e +it* t*e star)is* al/eit slo+l

consi(erin' t*e star)is* isn4t e0actl t*e 5uic2est ,arine ani,al. 7Sure8

s*e sas.



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7#!"!<"!<!"#<!<"<8 sas t*e star)is*.

7Ho+ a, I suppose( to re,e,/er t*at:8 sas t*e /arten(er.

7E0actl. But once ou4&e applie( t*e cip*er an( place( spaces

opportune spots ou4&e 'ot M RENIN9P REN T9NER PTEI9 M TET9RT. T*e

e&en (istri/ution o) consonants an( &o+els tric2s our ,in( into *ear

t*ese as i) t*e4re all real +or(s an( t*e (istri/ution o) co,,on letters

ensures t*at ou actuall +ill 'et so,e real +or(s *ere an( t*ere. Repeat it

in our *ea( 6ust a )e+ ti,es. M RENIN9P REN T9NER PTEI9 M TET9RT.

M RENIN9P REN T9NER PTEI9 M TET9RT. Be)ore ou *a( a strin' o)

(i'its eac* o) +*ic* ou la/ele( in our *ea( un2no+in'l as strin's o)

letters1 4se&en4 4nine4 4t*ree4. ou4&e no+ re(uce( t*e a,ount o) +or2

nee(e( to re,e,/er e&en 6ust one nu,/er / a lar'e (e'ree. -*at +as

once )i&e separate soun(s clo''in' up our ,in( 4se&en4 is no+ si,pl

4R.8 An( /ecause ou4&e or'ani3e( t*ese nu,/ers into +or(s o) sor

ou4&e attac*e( a ,e,ora/le 5ualit to t*e,. -*at +as once

i,possi/le tas2 is no+ 6ust secon(s later a si,ple nonsense p*rase. Still

)ollo+in' ,e:8



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7So no+ let4s ,o&e on to so,et*in' lar'er. Re,e,/er "U9 #UM !UE UN

$UA UP JUK UR UI an( <UT. ou see t*e nu,/er1

#$#<!J<<!$J!J$!<"!$#<#J<<<#"!"<$<$$<!

"#J$"J!J!"<<J!"$!$!##"J<.

E&en 6ust rea(in' t*is nu,/er alou( see,s i,possi/le ,uc*

co,,ittin' it to ,e,or. But once ou4&e /uilt t*e cip*er into our ,in(

+*en ou see t*ose nu,/ers )or t*e letters t*e reall are ou4&e 'ot N

MAMP TEKPN PITRT. NENIAK EKAN NINERT P9EIIAM. TR MKTNT T NRP

M9PIE9TRA. TA APTEN9R IMKA9. KEI KE9 ITTIKE I9NA IEP. NAEMM

R9KRT. Notice I4&e separate( t*ese into 4sentences.4 T*is *elps our ,in(

process t*e in)or,ation. T*is ,i'*t see, li2e a lot to ta2e in at )irst /ut

/rea2 it (o+n. N MAMP TEKPN PITRT. Repeat t*at in our *ea( a )e+

ti,es. 9nce ou4re con)i(ent ou4&e 'ot it repeat t*e ne0t senten

NENIAK EKAN NINERT P9EIIAM. T*en repeat t*e )irst t+o senten

to'et*er. eep 'oin' until ou4&e 'ot all se&en sentences. -it*in 6ust a )e+

,inutes ou +ill *a&e ,e,ori3e( t*e )irst one *un(re( (i'its o) pi8 sas

t*e star)is*.



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Larra/ee.

79* ri'*t8 sas t*e star)is* as *e s5uir,s into t*e (oor on a trail o) oran'e

sli,e. 7An+a (on4t +orr a/out usin' t*e e0act sa,e cip*er I (i(. Kse

+*ate&er letters ou )eel co,)orta/le +it*. ou coul( e&en 'o as )ar as to

replace )or instance repetitions t+o o) t*e sa,e (i'it in a ro+ +it* a

(i))erent letter to s*rin2 t*e a,ount o) (ata ou nee( to ,e,ori3e e&en

,ore turnin' "" into S ## into V etc. 9r sa ou4re +or2in' in a sste,

+*ere t*e nu,/ers are ,eanin')ul +*ere t*e *appen to repeat o)ten.

Li2e ou4re +or2in' retail an( ou4&e /een tas2e( +it* re,e,/erin' t*e

prices o) a lot o) (i))erent ite,s. T*e prices o) ,an o) t*e ite,s ou4re

sellin' en( in 4.<<4 an( so it +oul( )ollo+ reason to assi'n all t*ree (i'it

nu,/ers en(in' in 4<<4 to sin'le letters << is << is etc. so i) t*e price

o) an ite, is #!.<< all ou *a&e to re,e,/er is ME. It4s li2e co,pressin'

a )ile on a co,puter allo+in' our ,in( to *ol( a lot ,ore in)or,ation in

a s,aller space. ou 2no+ +*at t*is sste, is /est )or t*ou'* (espite its

,an practical applications:8

B t*is point t*e /arten(er is na2e( an( starin' at t*e star)is* li2e *e4s an

alien creature.



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7Are ou 'oin' to )uc2 ,e or a, I 'oin' to *a&e to )uc2 ,sel):8 sas t*e

/arten(er.

An( t*e star)is* sas1 79*. ea*.8



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I

T*e star)is* inserts t*ree o) *is appen(a'es into *er &a'ina an( t+o into

*er anus t*e ot*er t+o ru//in' *er clitoris an( s*e 'roans in pain an(

t*e star)is* +on(ers +*et*er t*e pain is )ro, *is psoriasis or *is spi2es

+*ic* are reall ,ore li2e spines or t*orns e&en. T*e little /lac2 *ole at

t*e centre o) *is /o( pulls on *er la/ia ,a6ora an( s*e sas1 7Do ou li2e

it:8

An( t*e star)is* releases so,e pressure to spea2 so)tl 'lo+in'1 7Star)is*

are not prone to li2in' t*in's an( I (o not t*in2 t*is is t*e t*in' I a,

,o&in' to+ar( /ecause I can still )eel t*e pull /ut I (o not (isli2e t*is. I

ne&er trul un(erstoo( t*e usa'e o) t*e &er/s 4to li2e4 4to (isli2e4 4not to

li2e4 an( t*e sort8 s*e /lee(s a little an( 'roans a'ain. 7Gra,,aticall to

(isli2e so,et*in' an( to not li2e so,et*in' ou'*t /e t+o &er (i))erent

t*in's. To (isli2e i,plies acti&e (is(ain t*e inclination to a&oi( /ut to not

li2e 'ra,,aticall s*oul( /e treate( ,ore passi&el a neut

a,/i&alence to+ar( so,et*in' an( et t*e t+o are u

interc*an'ea/l8 *is appen(a'es +rit*e. 7I (o not li2e seas*ells. I (o not

care enou'* a/out t*e, one +a or anot*er to 6usti) li2in'. T*e are



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(isli2e *i, )or it. T*is is a &er (i))erent t*in'. I (isli2e ane,ones. T*is

se0 I ,erel (o not li2e.8

7ust suc2 on , clit8 sas t*e /arten(er 'roanin' +it* e&en ,ore )er&or

an( t*e star)is* )ollo+s *er co,,an( ,o&in' t*e t+o appen(a'es t*at

currentl ru/ *er clitoris onto *er ,ons pu/is +*ic* )ro, t*is an'le

re,in(s *i, o) a 'rap* o) U>;>0W!=$??# an( *e suc2s on *er clitoris until

s*e co,es an( s*e s*outs1 72eep 'oin'8

7-ell alri'*t8 *e sas 'lo+in' a'ain. 7T*ere4s anot*er 'ra,,atical /it

a/out t*e En'lis* lan'ua'e t*at4s al+as intereste( ,e. I (on4t t*in2 ,ost

people reali3e t*e actual ,eanin' o) t*e p*rase 7use( to /e8 or +ell 7use(

to8 )ollo+e( / an &er/. People sa it +it*out e&er t*in2in' a/out +*at it

i,plies. -*en a ,an sas t*at *e )or instance 4use( to (ance4 t*is isn4t

6ust so,e a,/i'uous state,ent a/out t*e past it4s a &er speci)ic

,etalin'uistic state,ent +it* t*e i,plication t*at *e *as &er literall

alrea( use( t*e &er/ 7to (ance8 an( *as no+ ,o&e( on to e0istin' in

anot*er state usin' anot*er &er/. I) ou sa 4I use( to /e a )ire)i'*ter8

ou4re sain' t*at o) t*e /roa( /an2 o) &er/s a&aila/le )or ou to use at an

'i&en ,o,ent ou *a&e alrea( use( t*e &er/ 4to /e a )ire)i'*ter4 an(



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+*ic* at least see,in'l is no ,ore an( can ne&er /e a'ain. 4I use( to li&e

a,on' t*e stars /ut no+ I a, a *as/een4 one coul( sa ,eanin' t*at at

one point in our li)e ou applie( t*e &er/ 4to li&e a,on' t*e stars4 to

oursel) /ut no+ c*oose to appl 4a, a *as/een4 +*ic* in itsel) o))ers

e&en ,ore (escription o) t*e past an( &er little (escription o) t*e present.

Ho+e&er i) ou sa 4I (ance4 unless ou are currentl (ancin' ou4re not

,a2in' an state,ent a/out t*e past t*e present or e&en t*e )uture as it4s

al+as possi/le ou ,a ne&er (ance a'ain t*e onl i,plication o) t*e

p*rase is t*at ou *a&e not et outri'*t re6ecte( t*e i(ea o) (ancin' t*at

it4s so,et*in' ou *a&e (one an( ,a/e e&en use( to (o /ut

so,et*in' ou are presentl (oin' or +ill )or certain e&er (o a'ain. T*ere4s

so ,uc* a,/i'uit in t*e usa'e o) &er/s as a +*ole an( it4s 5uite possi/le

t*e onl trul use)ul tense is t*e present t*e 7I a, (ancin'8 /ecause it

,a2es a state,ent a/out so,et*in' t*at e0ists in our t*ree (i,ensional

plane. 9) course so,eone li2e ,sel) +*o li&es in se&en (i,ensions in all

,o,ents o) , o+n li)e can (e)initi&el sa 4I use( to (ance4 4I +ill (ance4

4I a, (ancin'4 an( 4I (ance4 as part o) 6ust one e0pression i) t*ere is +as

or +ill e&er /e a ,o,ent in , li)e +*en I (ance. But ou (on4t e0perience

li)e t*is +a an( alt*ou'* I4&e all t*e (ata in t*e uni&erse re'ar(in'

e0actl *o+ ou (o e0perience our li)e I cannot trul un(erstan( it. But



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sste, )or )uture e&ents +*en , t*ou'*ts are so en&elope( in

present. I *a&e /arel et ,astere( e&en a ,ental )ilin' sste, )or ,

past. Knless I allo+ , ,in( to )all into a past or )uture state +*ic*

re5uires 5uite a /it o) concentration I can onl 2no+ )or sure t*at I a,

*ere ri'*t no+ 'entl suc2in' on our clitoris 'ratin' )i&e o)

appen(a'es +it*in our &a'ina an( anus usin' t*e ,iniature u&ular le's

on t*e /otto, o) , ot*er t+o appen(a'es to 'rip onto our ,ons pu/is

an( t*at t*ere is a trail o) sli,e )ro, t*e /otto, o) t*e sea t*rou'*

Bellin'*a,4s ,ost /eauti)ul an( (irtiest corners lea(in' (irectl to +*ere I

a, ri'*t no+ on top o) ou /ut I can also see 6ust t*e &a'uest i,a'e o) t*e

trail a*ea( (isappearin' t*rou'* our /e(roo, (oor an( /ac2 out onto

t*e streets. Ma/e I (o not 2no+ +*at I a, ,o&in' to+ar( /ut it4s onl

/ecause I *a&en4t t*ou'*t o) it et.8

T*e /arten(er isn4t e&en listenin' to *is +or(s s*e is so intentl )ocuse( on

*er secon( cli,a0. T*e star)is* is not a+are o) *er (isinterest /ut at least

s*e (oesn4t care t*at *e ruine( *er s*eets.



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II

T*e star)is* lies /esi(e t*e cute /ut (isappointin' /arten(er an( (ri)ts into

anot*er (rea, t*e transcript o) +*ic* et a'ain +ill /e (isplae( as

recor(e( )ro, t*e star)is*4s perspecti&e.

7Accor(in' to t*e literature Dennis Mcenna +as a/le to

con6ure t*in's out o) t*e a/ss at *is +*i, p*sical t*in's

e&en not 6ust constructs o) t*e psc*ic space or e&en /etter

t*e +ere constructs /ut so +ere Terrance an( *i,.8

7T*e literature:8

7ea* t*e +rote /oo2s on t*is s*it. But I li2e to t*in2 Ot*e

literature is a ,ore et*ereal t*in'. T*e lin'uistic /its an(

/o/s o) our o+n DNA. Gettin' t*ere is 6ust a ,atter o)

5uantit. T*e sin'ularit is *ere.8 Matt places *is )in'er on

, te,ple.

7-*at (o ou t*in2 its li2e to not /e a part o) t*is:8



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7No I ,ean... t*is. T*is +*ole t*in'. Not e&en in a turn on

tune in (rop out +a /ut /eon( t*at. 9ut o) t*is +*ole (eal

+ere in.8

7Space an( ti,e: Its pro/a/l prett li/eratin'. I ,ean

+e&e /ot* seen t*e ,ac*ine el&es. Its a +*ole (i))erent sort

o) t*in'.8

7-*at +oul( our parents t*in2 i) t*e 2ne+ t*ese +ere t*e

2in(s o) con&ersations +e *a(:8

7T*e( pro/a/l *a&e us co,,itte(. Prett ,uc* anone

+oul(. But psc*osis is 2in( o) a relati&e t*in'. T*ere are

cultures all o&er t*e +orl( +*ere sc*i3op*renics are lo&e(

an( +ors*ipe( as s*a,ans. I ,ean +e /ot* a'ree consensus

realit isnt all its crac2e( up to /e.8

7I 'uess. ou 2no+ +*at +e s*oul( (o: Lets 6ust )uc2in'

(ri)t. -e coul( +rite a /lo' on t*e (eep+e/ an( 6ust

(isappear o)) t*e 'ri( an( +e +ont nee( ,one /ecause



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so,e (ru' )uele( escapa(e.8

I, /ac2 +it* e&in on a train.

7E&er ni'*t I (rea, I, on a train runnin' )ro, an

assailant usuall la+ en)orce,ent. Metal /e*e,ot*s screec*

/ac2 an( )ort* on t*e trac2s. Ksuall I )in( a secret pat*+a

t*at puts ,e a )e+ steps a*ea( /ut so,eti,es I 'et on t*e

train an( en( up in anot*er station (oin' t*e sa,e t*in'.

T*e (estination ne&er see,s to ,atter. Its t*e c*ase t*at I

(rea, )or. I&e *a( enou'* e0perience a&oi(in' t*e la+ an(

,ore t*an enou'* a&oi(in' ,sel) /ut t*e onl trains I&e

/een on are t*e Ne+ or2 Cit su/+a t*e Lon(on

Kn(er'roun( an( a one +a )ro, Paris to Lon. I, not sure

+*ere t*e station in , (rea, is /ut I al+as start o)) in t*e

sa,e place. Its (ar2 an( cro+(e(. Its al+as (ar2 an(

cro+(e( an( I can ne&er lea&e.8

7T*ats a+eso,e ,an (ea(ass. Is t*at a/out us:8



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7-*os it a/out t*en:8

7I, not sure et.8

7Ho+ coul( ou not /e sure:8

7I, ne&er sure +*en I +rite. I +rite +it* a *unc* an( *ope

t*at *unc* en(s up ,eanin' so,et*in'. Its ine))icient /ut

so is +ritin' +*en oure sure.8

7Its a/out t*e *unc* o) so,eone: -*at t*e )uc2 (oes t*at

,ean:8

7More t*e concept o) so,eone. Its a/out ri((in' ,sel) o)

t*e concept an( )or e&er concept I ri( ,sel) o) t*e trut*

/e*in( t*e concept is a little clearer. T*e /est +a to lose a

lie is to put it on paper.8

7ou lost ,e ,an. I, 6ust *ere )or t*e ,ole people. ou

t*in2 +ell see one to(a:8



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7I&e 'ot class at t*ree t*ou'*.8

7S2ip it. -oul( ou rat*er see t*e ,ole people +it* ,e or sit

t*rou'* anot*er *our o) )il, *istor: oull pro/a/l 6ust

+atc* ,o&ie clips. T*is ri'*t *ere t*is is +*at )il, sc*ool is

all a/out. I onl +ent to class t+ice last se,ester an( I 'ot a

$.". ust. Dont. Turn. 9)). T*at. Ca,era.8

I, /ac2 in t*e roo, +it* Matt.

7Picture t*e s+irlin' psc*ic ener' /lo+in' t*e t*in' li2e a

,ec*anical +in( into a ne+ position. I) ou 2no+ +*ere

so,et*in' is all ou nee( to (o is 2no+ its so,e+*ere else.8

7Loo2 at it t*is +a e&in. M parents *a&e t*is pet /ir( t*at

li&es in a ca'e in a )luorescent roo, +*ere t*e li'*t ne&er

'oes out. T*at /ir( pro/a/l *as little to no concept o) t*e

sun /ut t*at (oesnt ,ean t*e sun isnt t*ere ri'*t:8

79) course not.8



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no sun. I) *e sa+ t*e sun *e +oul( 2no+ o) it an( it +oul(

e0ist /ut until t*en t*ere is no sun. Its li2e t*at. 9nce ou

*a&e a concept o) so,et*in' it /eco,es real. I) ou

eli,inate all t*e concepts +*at oure le)t +it* is t*e trut*

an( +*et*er its a 'oo( trut* or a /a( trut* t*ats t*e trut*

I, trin' to )in(. To )or'et t*e sun an( see +*ats le)t. To

c*ase it until its ,eanin'less.8

C*ristine ri(es atop t*e /east co,,an(in' its ,iniature

o))sprin' li2e t*e rin'lea(er o) so,e stea,pun2 circus

(resse( li2e ueen Victoria +atc*in' s*it )loat (o+n t*e

T*a,es or t*e East Ri&er or +*ate&er /o( o) )eces )lo+s in

t*e (ar2est parts o) t*e soul or t*e ,in(. C*ristine+*o

s*rie2s in ecstas at t*e cries o) t*e un)ul)ille(. C*ristine

+*o lo&es li2e sport etc*in' tall ,ar2s into titaniu, an(

silicone. C*ristine +*o lists an( lists an( lists. M li)e/loo(

/eats a (ru, to (estruction t*e /attle cries o) t*e *eart as

t*e little ,ac*ines continue to ,ultipl until t*e are a

to+er o) cran2in' 'ears loo2in' (o+n upon t*e E,pire

State Buil(in' assi,ilatin' t*e structure o) t*e cit one



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S*e sits an( lau'*s atop a ,e,or.

7-*en are ou co,in' /ac2:8

7-*en I, rea(. T*e cit at ni'*t is a /eauti)ul t*in'.8

7-ill +e e&er 'et t*is )il, (e&elope(:8

T*e cit at ni'*t is not*in' /ut 5uestions. -e are so s,all

an( naX&e. -e are so lar'e an( +ise. T*e c*ase is +*at +e

(rea, )or.

7I lo&e ou o*n Ha,pton. T*is is all )or ou.8

T*e c/or' clutc*es Ha,pton in *is )ist. I cant /rea2 )ree o)

its 'rasp. I (ont 2no+ +*o I a, an,ore.



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III

T*e star)is* )ollo+s *is trail o) sli,e out t*e (oor o) t*e sleepi

/arten(er4s apart,ent on *is )irst trul sunn ,ornin' in Bellin'*a,

*un' o&er a'ain an( +oo3. He continues to+ar( an( *e )eels li2e *e4s

closer to t*at /rin2 *e4s *ea(e( )or t*an *e4s e&er /een as a !"" Ca(illac

LR splas*es (irt +ater all aroun( *is /o( +*ic* *as alar,in'l 'ro+n

anot*er 5uarter o) an inc*. He s*outs an( it 'ets t*e attention o) a t*in !";

so,et*in'.

7o ou alri'*t t*ere star)is*:8 as2s t*e !";so,et*in'.

An( t*e star)is* sas1 7Alri'*t is a relati&e ter, /ut es. T*an2s

as2in'.8

7He no pro/le,8 sas t*e !";so,et*in'. 7ou loo2 lost.8

7Not an ,ore t*an on an 'i&en (a8 sas t*e star)is*. 7-*ere are ou

*ea(in':8



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t*ere8 sas t*e !";so,et*in' 7an( I )i'ure it4s a lon' s*ot /ut t*ere4s no

tellin' +*ere T*e A,erican Drea,4s 'one o)) to t*ese (as so ,a/e it4s

t*ere ou 2no+:8

7Coul( /e8 sas t*e star)is*.

7-*at (o ou t*in2: -*ere (o ou t*in2 it is:8 as2s t*e !";so,et*in'.

7-ell I4, on , +a to+ar( so,et*in' entirel (i))erent /ut ,a/e not

so (i))erent at all8 sas t*e star)is*. 7As )or T*e A,erican Drea, I t*in2

it4s t*is e&er;s*i)tin' ,onolit* t*at can4t /e pinne( (o+n 6ust +it* +or(s.

For t*at reason it interests ,e t*ou'* not enou'* to *a&e ,e see2 it out

speci)icall. It4s one o) t*ose a/stract concepts t*at 'ets lost in t*e e))icac

o) lan'ua'e an( one o) t*e )e+ cases o) lan'ua'e itsel) as an ine))icient

tool )ar too speci)ic to /e o) an use *ere /ut I can sa t*at +*ate&er it is

it4s ,ost li2el (ictate( / t*e out* an( )or ,an ears not too lon' a'o

one o) t*e ,ost popular A,erican cartoon c*aracters t*e one t*at e&er

little /o +ante( to 'ro+ up to /e +as a cursin' pipe s,o2in' tattooe(

sailor an( i) t*at +as T*e A,erican Drea, t*ere is not*in' le)t

A,erica to (rea, a/out.8 T*e star)is* *as )oun( *i,sel) +al2in' alon'si(e



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7See as a concept I (on4t t*in2 it4s so lost to t*e +orl(8 sas t*e !";

so,et*in'. 7Sure i) t*e Drea, use( to /e Popee ,a/e t*e re,nants o)

t*e (rea, are lost to to(a4s c*il(ren /ut t*ere4s so,et*in' ,ore t*an 6ust

anc*ors an( cursin' (u(e. An( e&en i) it is t*is constantl s*i)tin' t*in' I

t*in2 it4s centre( on so,e core concept t*at rests so,e+*ere in

6ourne itsel) rat*er t*an t*e outco,e.8

An( t*e star)is* sas1 7I t*in2 ou4re +ron'. T*e A,erican Drea, can4t 6ust

/e to searc* )or T*e A,erican Drea,. T*ere4s so,e /it o) Popee t*e Sailor

Man an( Hunter S. T*o,pson so,e /it o) Stein/ec2 t*at out+ar

)ocuses on so,e intan'i/le o/6ecti&e T*e A,erican Drea, is not 6ust to

searc* an( 2eep searc*in' /ut it4s so,et*in' ou can c*ec2 o)) our to;(o

list at t*e en( o) t*e 6ourne. T*e Drea, ,a in&ol&e a 6ourne /ut t*ere4s

'ot to /e so,e ,o,ent +*ere it all coalesces so,e turnin' point /et+een

)in(in' T*e Drea, an( *a&in' )oun( T*e Drea,. An( i) it4s not so,et*in'

t*at can /e )oun( or i) it4s so,et*in' t*at can 'o a+a a)ter ou4&e )oun(

it is t*ere reall a point in )in(in' it in t*e )irst place: T*e A,erican

Drea, e&en as an a/stract concept is per,anent an( )inite.8 T*e star)is*

curlicues aroun( so,e ci'arette /utts. T*e !";so,et*in' notices *is little

(ance an( it ,a2es *i, cra&e a s,o2e *i,sel) so *e li'*ts one up an(



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7Ci'arettes:8 as2s t*e !";so,et*in'.

7es.8

7T*e4re e&ert*in' ou +ant t*e, to /e /ut onl +*en ou (on4t nee(

t*e, an( +*en ou (o nee( t*e, ou4re /etter o)) 6ust *a&in' a 6oint8

sas t*e !";so,et*in'.

7So +* (o ou s,o2e t*e,:8 as2s t*e star)is*.

T*e cut t*rou'* a par2in' lot an( t*e !";so,et*in' sas1 7T*at4s a ,ore

co,plicate( 5uestion t*at I4, not sure I *a&e an ans+er to. I can tell ou

*o+ I starte(. I +as li&in' in Ne+ or2 Cit an( I *a( t*is )rien( +*o +as

in lo&e +it* ,e an( +*o I (i(n4t lo&e /ac2. I li2e( *er t*ou'* as a person

an( )or so,e reason t*e i(ea o) *er s,o2in' ci'arettes +as *ilarious to

,e. It ,i'*t /e /ecause s*e +as a /it o) a pru(e +*o +as 6ust startin' to

co,e out o) *er s*ell as t*e sa ,e an( *er *a( alrea( (one so,e aci(

s,o2e( so,e +ee( /ut s*e +as still prett innocent. S*e +as t*e per)ect

caricature o) t*at e0peri,ental colle'e )res*,an +*o +ante( to li&e li)e on

t*e e('e /ut coul(n4t )or one reason or anot*er ,a/e /ecause it (i(n4t



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pac2 o) ci'arettes an( s,o2e( one t*at s*e +oul(n4t (o it too +*ic*

loo2in' /ac2 +as prett irresponsi/le /ut at t*e ti,e it +as all s*its an(

'i''les. So I /ou'*t so,e Ne+ports at t*e re5uest o) a )rien( o) ,ine +*o

use( to li&e on Ne+port A&e in Tappan Ne+ or2 an( *ea(e( out on t*e

street loo2in' )or a place to s,o2e t*e,. -e +oun( up in )ront o) ,

(or, +*ere all t*e cool 2i(s s,o2e( I (on4t 2no+ i) +e +ante( to )it in

+*ic* +e ne&er +oul( or i) / so,e t+ist o) t*e i,a'ination ,a/e +e

+ere cool 2i(s too 6ust in a (i))erent +a. I *an( *er a s,o2e an( t*e

li'*ter t*at I4&e alrea( 'ot at t*is point an( tell *er to 'o )irst an( s*e

(oes. Be)ore I can tell +*et*er s*e li2es it or not I4, *al)+a t*rou'* a

s,o2e ,sel) an( t*e +*ole +orl( 6ust )eels ri'*t. Li2e ,a/e t*at +as

T*e A,erican Drea, t*at ,o,ent an( it4s 'one no+ an( I4, still 6ust

c*asin' anot*er *i'*. 9* ea* Roc2et Donuts t*at4s it.8

T*e !";so,et*in' puts out *is ci'arette an( +al2s into t*e (onut s*op +it*

t*e star)is* an( t*e 'irl /e*in( t*e counter sas1 7He no pets allo+e(8

an( t*e !";so,et*in' /us a (onut t*e si3e o) a Firestone Tire.



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IV

T*e star)is* ,ana'es to tal2 t*e 'irl at t*e counter into lettin' *i, sta

t*e (onut s*op t*rou'* so,e ,eans or anot*er an( *e sits atop a sli,

'la3e( (onut ne0t to t*e !";so,et*in' +*o eats *is Firestone Tire +it* a

)or2.

7So +*at /rin's ou *ere e0actl:8 as2s t*e !";so,et*in'. 7I ,ean ou

(on4t usuall see star)is* in to+n.8

7Most star)is* are too (epresse( to lea&e t*e sea. It4s 2in( o) a sel);i,pose(

e0ile. -e4re per)ectl capa/le o) li&in' +*ere&er +e +ant to li&e reall. 9r

no+*ere in particular +*ic* is +*at I4, (oin'. But I (i( ,ention t*at

t*in' I4, ,o&in' to+ar(. I still can4t s*a2e it. I can )eel it ,o&in' aroun(

,e li2e it4s tauntin' ,e al+as near/ /ut ne&er +it*in reac*. 9* s*it

*i(e ,e8 sas t*e star)is* as *e notices t*e cute /arten(er strollin' into

t*e (onut s*op.

7-*at:8 as2s t*e !";so,et*in'.



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appen(a'es po2es t*rou'* t*e openin'.

7Ste&en8 s*outs t*e cute /arten(er an( t*e !";so,et*in' 'ets up an(

2isses *er on t*e lips. T*e star)is* onl &a'uel 'ro2s ,ono'a, /ut *e4s

petri)ie( re'ar(less.

7Sorr I ,isse( t*e san(+ic*er co,petition8 sas t*e !";so,et*

+*ose na,e is apparentl Ste&en.

7It4s alri'*t8 sas t*e cute /arten(er. I +as so *i'* I /arel re,e,/er it.

T*e star)is* tries +it* all *is ,i'*t to curl *is last appen(a'e un(erneat*

t*e (onut +*ic* (oesn4t s,ell as 'oo( as it loo2s. It4s 6ust too /i' to )r

properl. Ste&en in&ites *er to sit (o+n ne0t to *i, an( t*e star)is* is

*i((en +ell enou'* so it loo2s li2e *e le)t.

7-*ose (onut is t*is:8 as2s t*e cute /arten(er.

79* 6ust t*is 'u er I (unno8 sas Ste&en. He pus*es it out o) t*e +a.

7ou 2no+ it reall is nice to see ou8 sas t*e cute /arten(er. 7It4s /een



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7Hope ou (i(n4t ,iss ,e T99 ,uc*8 sas Ste&en.

7-ell I4&e ,ana'e(8 s*e sas +it* t*is a(ora/le s,ile t*at scares t*e

star)is* e&en ,ore ,a/e /ecause *e 2no+s +* s*e4s s,ilin' ,a/e

/ecause *e can see *er s,ile +*ic* ,eans so,e portion o) *i, ,ust /e

e0pose(. He atte,pts to /ur *i,sel) )urt*er into t*e (onut. 7Di( our

(onut 6ust +i''le:8

7-*at:8

An( t*e cute /arten(er sas1 7Ne&er ,in( it4s not*in'. ou e&er )in( t*at

Drea, ou +ere loo2in' )or:8

7ou 2no+ I t*in2 I ,i'*t *a&e8 sas Ste&en. 7It4s *ar( to tell t*ou'*. I

t*in2 t*e reason t*e call it a Drea, ,i'*t /e t*at it can ne&er /e a realit.

T*ere are ,o,ents +*ere e&ert*in' see,s ri'*t li2e ou4re 6ust a/out to

)in( it /ut t*ere4s al+as so,et*in' ,issin'. Ma/e it4s ou.8 9) course /

t*is Ste&en ,eans t*at s*e ,i'*t /e *is ,issin' t*in' an( s*e ta2es it t*at

+a /ut t*is persistin' na' in t*e star)is* +on(ers i) ,a/e so,e+*ere

on t*e insi(e *e ,eant t*at *e )oun( T*e A,erican Drea, an( t*at s*e



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7T*at4s s+eet8 s*e sas. 7ou 2no+... re,e,/er t*at )las*/ac2 episo(e o)

T*e Si,psons... t*at 'iant (onut t*ere +oul( ,a2e a prett /lin'

en'a'e,ent rin'.8 T*e star)is* lets out an unintentional *i'* pitc*

s5uea2. 7-*at t*e )uc2:8

T*e t+o o) t*e, stare at t*e (onut an( onl Ste&en 2no+s +*at4s 'oin' on.

79* it4s 6ust... *e4s *i(in'8 *e sas as *e slo+l li)ts t*e (onut to s*o+ *er

t*e star)is* an( t*e cute /arten(er4s ees 'o +i(e as t*e star)is* scurr

t*e )uc2 on out t*e (oor atte,ptin' to sli(e on *is trail o) sli,e li2e /lac2

ice an( t*e star)is* s*outs out a t*an2s )or t*e (onut an( (isappears as *e

*ears t*e cute /arten(er s*out out t*e -HAT THE FKC to en( all -HAT

THE FKCS.

9utsi(e t*e star)is* (uc2s aroun( t*e corner an( a ti( /usiness,an 'oes

7-*oa8 an( stu))s *i, in *is /rie)case to 'i&e to *is (au'*ter.



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V

E&ert*in' is /lac2. T*e star)is* *ears t*e i'nition o) a si0;clin(er en'ine

an( *e /u,ps an( tosses /ac2 an( )ort* in t*e /rie)caseQ *e can )eel t*e

t*in' *e is ,o&in' to+ar( s+irlin' aroun( *i, +it* e&er turn. He4s

a)rai( to s*out t*e /usiness,an ,ust t*in2 *e4s (ea(. T*e +orl( aroun(

*i, ru,/les an( t*e star)is* +on(ers i) t*is ,i'*t /e t*e en(.

/lac2ness re,in(s *i, o) t*e creatures )ro, t*e /otto, o) t*e sea t*e

e0ile( t*e *i(eous all in&isi/le in t*e ni'*t an( in t*e (a so (eep t*at

li'*t cannot penetrate it as t*e tin /lac2 *ole insi(e t*e star)is* 5ui&ers

a'ainst its opposite. He can *ear t*e &oice o) Matt +*isperin' 7it4s all ours

to 2eep in t*e ,e,or /an2 o) 'alactic *istor8 an( anot*er &oice a

)e,inine one /ello+s out1 7T*ese are not ours to 2eep our ,e,ories

none o) t*is is ours8 an( in t*e /lac2ness t*e star)is* sees C*ristine4s

/lue ees an( Dan is t*ro+in' up in t*e /at*roo, sin2 an( Colu,/ine is

slin2in' into t*e +il(erness an( t*e (ri&er screa,s an( *is )at*er 6ust

suc2s an( suc2s an( suc2s. e&in an( Larr ell 7Let4s ,a2e a )il,8 an(

t*e +orl( aroun( t*e star)is* continues to ru,/le *e can )eel

/usiness,an4s (ocu,ents s*i)tin' aroun( *i,. An( so t*e ,a2e a )il, as

o*n Ha,pton sas t*at e&er ti,e ou re,e,/er so,et*in' t*e ori'inal



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cru,/les. La C*orrera onl e0ists in our *ea(. ou can turn e&ert*in'

on an( o)) at +ill. -e coul( /e 'iants a,on' ,en. Heroes. -e coul( /e...

7Tal2 to ,e Tal2 to ,e /astar(8 7Get our pin2o *an(s o))a ,e8 7ou

s+ine ou )ilt* s+ine I (i(n4t (o ant*in' +ron'8 7I *a&e to 'et a+a

t*is cit +ill ruin ,e.8 A c/ernetic li,/ cras*es (o+n in t*e (ar2 an(

anot*er an( anot*er an( C*ristine ri(es t*e /east li2e a carria'

s*outin' or(ers to t*e c/or' an( to Matt an( Ha,pton an( t*e car co,es

to a stop an( t*e en'ine s*uts (o+n. Silence. T*e /usiness,an 'ra/s t*e

/rie)case pain' no ,in( to t*e star)is* +*o s,as*es aroun( li2e t*e

+orl( is )allin' apart aroun( *i,. T*e cit /uil(s itsel) up a'ain /ut

e&ert*in' is 'ears an( le&ers an( it /rea2s itsel) /ac2 (o+n an( /uil(s

itsel) up a'ain as t*e star)is* can *ear a ,an4s &oice 6ust sli'*tl ,u))le(

/ t*e /o0. It4s a &oice *e4s *ear( /e)ore /ut it soun(s so (etac*e( it

soun(s so in&isi/le. 7A s*oo)l /u33es past , nec2 t*e )irst si'n I4&e seen

in +ee2s o) t*e +orl( outsi(e. T*e Monster )ee(s ,e once a (a an( +al2s

,e to t*e toilet. I +rit*e in , strai'*t 6ac2et as t*e )l *o&ers aroun( ,e

i,possi/le to 'et t*e le&era'e I nee( to (estro it.8 It4s t*e &oice o) o*n

Ha,pton. But it isn4t. It4s t*e &oice o) C*ristine. 7It li2es ,e. I +on(er i)

*a( I /een so,eone else it +oul( *a&e )elt t*e sa,e +a. I) t*e s+eat on

anot*er ,an4s /ro+ *a( /een as succulent. I +on(er i) C*ristine an( Matt



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an apple *it t*e )loor /esi(e ,e.8 7Do ou nee( to use t*e /at*roo,:8

7No.8 7M +in'e( co,panion s*its a 'lorious s*it onto a s,as*e( le'u,e

an( I inc* )ace )irst to+ar( t*e apple. He )lits a/out ai,lessl co,pou

ees stro/in' in t*e )lic2erin' li'*t pro/oscis sin2in' in a pu((le

partiall (i'este( )oo(. M teet* sli(e up a'ainst t*e /ri'*t re( s2in an(

t*e apple rolls /ac2+ar( to+ar( t*e )oo( slot. I lun'e )or+ar( ,out*

open an( instea( o) t*e apple I crunc* (o+n on t*e )l4s salt e0os2eleton.

I can )eel a +in' stuc2 in , teet* as I spit its still )litterin' re,ains into

t*e ,ess o) +ee2 ol( 2i(ne /eans +*ic* *a&e no+ +or2e( t*eir +a into

, staine( strai'*t6ac2et. I lose , taste )or t*e apple. I 5uestion +*et*er I

+as /etter o)) +it* t*e )l. At least I +asn4t alone. I sa a )e+ +or(s an( I4,

not sure I4&e e&er *ear( a ,o,ent o) suc* pro)oun( not*in'ness.8 T*e

star)is* +ants to screa, 7I4&e ne&er *ear( our &oice8 /ut t*e /rie)case

(rops onto a ta/le an( t*e /usiness,an opens it an( t*e star)is* 2eeps still

on t*e ta/le o) a /oar( roo, an( anot*er /usiness,an enters an( sas

7,ornin' Ha,pton.8



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VI

T*e star)is* lies still in t*e open /rie)case as o*n Ha,pton 'reets a para(e

o) sports6ac2et;cla( e0ecuti&es enterin' t*e /oar(roo, one / one eac* a

little ,ore uni)or, t*an t*e last. 7I call t*is ,eetin' o) t*e Bellin'*a,

C*a,/er o) Co,,erce to or(er8 *e sas as eac* o) t*e ,en

attenti&el aroun( t*e ta/le. 7First or(er o) /usiness8 a /o +*o

star)is* &a'uel reco'ni3es enters t*e roo,. 9n a closer 'li,pse

reali3es it4s Colu,/ine an( t*at terri)ies *i,. 7T*is oun' ,an is a re'ular

client o) ,ine an( *e *as a'ree( to /eco,e a part o) our corporal ,ar2et

researc* tea,8 Colu,/ine scans t*e roo, as t*e ,en applau(. He notices

t*e star)is* an( (ou/le ta2es. T*e star)is* continues to pla (ea(. Four

,ore /lan2;)ace( /os enter t*e roo, all aroun( Colu,/ine4s a'e colle'e

a'e ,ost pro/a/l --K stu(ents. 7ou4ll /e 6oinin' t*ese )ine la(s in an

on'oin' e0peri,ent /ri('in' t*e 'ap /et+een corporation an( *u,an

Are ou prepare(:8

Colu,/ine 'rins t*is stupi( 'rin. 7I4, rea( )or )uc2in ant*in' ,an t*is is

'onna /e a /ree3e ou s*oul( *a&e seen t*e s*it t*at I4&e seen I 6ust 'ot

outta 6ail an( li2e t*is )i)t /uc2s is 'onna reall )uc2in 'et ,e places I can



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an( li2e it4s all cause o) t*is little in&est,ent li2e ou are not 'onna re'ret

pic2in' ,e )or t*is I )uc2in s+ear it8 an( se&eral o) t*e /usiness,en

pensi&el 6ot on little notepa(s. Ha,pton si'nals to an ol(er ,an t*rou'*

t*e +in(o+ into t*e o))ices an( t*e ol( ,an loc2s t*e (oor to

/oar(roo, )ro, t*e outsi(e as Ha,pton lo+ers t*e /lin(s.

T*e /i'+i's an( /usiness o+ners an( corporate s*ills o) Bellin'*a, still

sittin' at t*e lon' ta/le /e'in to c*ant1 7Fuc2. T*e. Consu,er. Fuc2. T*e.

Consu,er. Fuc2 T*e Consu,er8 Se&eral o) t*e, /eat t*eir )ists on t*e

ta/le as t*e sa t*e +or(s an( soon all o) t*e, are /eatin' alon'.

Colu,/ine coc2s *is *ea( a little. T*e e0pressions on t*e ot*er oun'

,en4s )aces re,ain placi(. T*e strip na2e( an( lie ass up on t*e ta/le one

o) t*e, 6ust inc*es )ro, t*e star)is*.

Colu,/ine sas1 7-*at t*e )uc2 are ou (oin': Don4t ou )uc2in touc* ,e

ou *a&en4t /een +*ere I /een I coul( ,a2e a ,ess o) t*is +*ole )uc2in

esta/lis*,ent o8 as t*e )e+ /usiness,en +*o still re,ain clot*e( close

in on *i,. He tries to 2ic2 an( punc* *is +a out o) it /ut it onl ta2es one

,an to o&erpo+er *i, an( slip *i, into a /all 'a'. Ha,pton pulls a

+*ite/oar( )ro, t*e +all re&ealin' a set o) leat*er s*ac2les t+o )or t*e



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upsi(e (o+n as *e tries to screa, t*rou'* *is 'a'. T*e strap *is an2les in

)irst as t*e ot*er /usiness,en ta2e turns ri(in' t*e oun' ,en on t*e

ta/les li2e *orses /eatin' t*e, +it* /elts /loo( an( se,inal )l

spurtin' across across t*e roo, an( t*eir )aces re,ain /lan2. Colu,/ine

)aces t*e +all )lailin' a/out li2e a )i&e;le''e( star)is* consu,in' its pre

as t*e clasp *is *an(s an( nec2 into t*e straps.

T*e star)is* +ants not*in' ,ore t*an to ,a2e *is escape /ut *e4s loc2e(

in +it* t*e rest o) t*e, an( *e +ants to close *is ees /ut *e (oesn4t *a&e

an an( t*e +orl( aroun( *i, is as clear as it coul( e&er /e. 9ne o) t*e

C*a,/er o) Co,,erce ,e,/ers s*outs in or'iastic pleasure1 7I4, 'oin' to

co,e I4, 'oin' to co,e on our )ace8 an( t*e roo, erupts +it* lau'*ter.

E&en Colu,/ine in *is /all 'a' ,ana'es a s,ir2 at t*e cri,son +all li2e

*e4s so,e*o+ nostal'ic or li2e t*e ,en4s lau'*ter tri''ers so,e pri,al

s,pat*etic response li2e *e4s a)rai( silence ,i'*t sin'le *i, out as o*n

Ha,pton4s coc2 plun'es (eep into *is *air little ass*ole.

7Get ,e t*e )uc2 out o) *ere. Get ,e t*e )uc2 out o) *ere. Get ,e t*e )uc2

out o) *ere8 t*e star)is* 5uietl repeats one appen(a'e (an'lin' on t*e

e('e o) a pair o) scissors an( t*e rest stre+n a/out a 5uarterl earnin's



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7ou t*in2 ou can +al2 into M s*op8 s*outs t*e t*ir( /usiness,an to

)uc2 t*e consu,er nearest to t*e star)is* 7an( +al2 /ac2 out +it*out e&en

/uin' a 'o( (a,ne( Co2e: I rea( our )uc2in' s*itt elp re&ie+ ou

little piece o) s*it +* (o ou t*in2 ou4re *ere +* (o ou t*in2 ou4re

on t*is ta/le:8 an( *e +*ips t*e /ac2 o) t*e oun' ,an4s nec2 +it* t*e

clasp o) *is /elt an( ,ore /loo( spouts onto t*e ta/le. T*e seco

/usiness,an to )uc2 Colu,/ine listens intentl to *is ,u))le( cries an(

slo+l (ra's a /utter)l 2ni)e (o+n *is cal) ,uscle to+ar( *is 2ne

(i''in' it in a )e+ centi,eters /e*in( t*e 2neecap scrapin' it 'entl

a'ainst t*e /one. Ha,pton pants still (o+n s,o2es a ci'arette in t*e

corner )lic2s t*e as*es into a potte( plant an( e&entuall stoops o&er an(

puts it out on Colu,/ine4s scalp t*ree an( a *al) inc*es )ro, t*e 'roun(

+*ere t*e scar +ill /e conceale( / *air. T+o o) t*e ol(er /usiness,en

(rie( out return to t*eir suits an( sit cal,l in t*eir ori'inal positions at

t*e con)erence ta/le.

9ne ,an in a *eat o) passion s*outs1 7T*e consu,er is +ort*less T*e

consu,er is )ee/le T*e consu,er can not )eel T*e consu,er is onl as

'oo( as *is ,one8 as *e e6aculates se&en inc*es (eep into t*e t*ir(

oun' ,an )ro, t*e le)t pulls out an( procee(s to insert *is ton'ue into



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/ac2 up an( reinserts *is penis )or anot*er (eep )uc2. A pu((le o) tears

an( ,a/e errant (rool )or,s on t*e /lac2 an( +*ite (iner;tile( )loor

/eneat* Colu,/ine an( Ha,pton soa2s it up +it* a ra' returns to *is

/rie)case an( pulls t*e pair o) scissors out )ro, un(erneat* t*e star)is*

+*o al,ost 6olts in terror /ut (oesn4t 5uite an( Ha,pton uses t*e scissors

to pus* t*e +et ra' into Colu,/ine4s ass*ole until it &anis*es.

7ou4re scu,8 sas Ha,pton as *e /e'ins to unstrap Colu,/ine )ro, *is

*arnesses. Most o) t*e ,en *a&e )inis*e( /ut one *as )oun( a t*ir( or

)ourt* +in( an( stops Ha,pton )ro, untin' Colu,/ine so soon. He ta2es

t*e scissors )ro, Ha,pton an( 'entl pinc*es Colu,/ine4s testic

/et+een t*e, as *e slo+l )uc2s t*e ra' )urt*er into *is anus. He s5uee3es

t*e scissors a little ti'*ter as *e +or2s *i,sel) up to a )ren3 an( a little

ti'*ter. He screa,s an( so (oes Colu,/ine. A )e+ secon(s pass an( t*e

/oar(roo, is still. Ha,pton re,o&es Colu,/ine )ro, *is clasps an( (rops

*i, )ace up onto t*e )loor t*en re,o&es *is /all 'a'. Colu,/ine is silent.

Ha,pton (rops a )i)t (ollar /ill into Colu,/ine4s ,out* puts t*e scissors

/ac2 in *is /rie)case +it* t*e star)is* an( seals it s*ut.



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VII

T*e star)is* sleeps in t*e (ar2 /rie)case in t*e trun2 o) o*n Ha,pton4s

car. Despite e&ert*in' +it* e&er turn o) t*e a0le )or t*e )irst ti,e in a

lon' ti,e *e )eels t*at *e is ,o&in' to+ar( t*e t*in' *e is ,o&in' to+ar(.

His (rea,s as al+as are recor(e( *ere as *e sees t*e,.

Fi)teen ,eters /eneat* t*e 'rin(in' 'ears o) t*e cit a

ca,era )ocuses in an( out.

YE&entuall i) onl / process o) eli,ination +e eac*

*a&e to learn +*ic* one +e are.Y

YSo *o+ can I 2no+ )or sure t*at ou4re ou:Y

YIt4s ou I4, +orrie( a/out.Y

YI s+ear... I (i(n4t ,ean to...Y

YI4, concerne( ou4re lettin' t*e trut* seep into our



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Yes /ut I t*in2 ou4&e 'ot it /ac2+ar(.Y

YSo +as Ha,pton 6ust a (rea,:Y

Perseus an( 9rion stan( 'uar( o&er t*e ,onsters o) t*e

ni'*t *i((en / cit li'*ts as Matt an( e&in *oist a

tripo( onto t*e &eran(a.

Y-*at (o +e e&en nee( a tripo( )or:Y

YT*is s*ot can4t /e altere( / *u,an *an(s. T*e ca,era

+ill /e its o+n creature to(a. It +ill /e )ree.Y

YIt4s a/out t*e perception o) an o/6ect an( t*e

o/6ecti)ication o) ,an.Y

YHo+ (o ou +ant ,e to s*oot t*is t*en:Y

You (on4t. ou4re 6ust t*e ,ec*anis,. T*e ca,era (oes

t*e s*ootin'.Y



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YI) t*e uni&erse co,pels ou to stan( stan(. I) t*e

uni&erse co,pels ou to 6u,p 6u,p.Y

YFuc2 t*at it4s a lon' +a (o+n ,an.Y

YAn( a lon' lon' +a up. Are ou rea(:Y

YI t*in2 so.Y

YAction.Y

An( a'ain /elo+ t*e sur)ace it )ocuses in an( out an(

all it sees is (ar2ness.



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VIII

o*n Ha,pton (oesn4t notice t*e star)is*;s*ape( s,u('e on *is reports

+*en *e )inall opens t*e /rie)case at *is Bellin'*a, *o,e nor (oes *e

notice t*e star)is* 5ui&erin' in t*e corner o) t*e case. He 'oes strai'*t )or

t*e scissors +ipes t*e, o)) +it* a (irt +*ite presse( s*irt (iscar(s t*e

s*irt into a laun(r *a,per an( sets t*e scissors ne0t to t*e stapler on *is

neatl or'ani3e( (es2. He loosens *is tie un/uc2les *is /elt an( re,o&es

t*e, /ot* +it* one 'reat s+oop opens t*e (oor to *is ,aster /at*roo,

an( s*a&es +it* Bar/asol an( a c*eap Bic ra3or. 7I) Bic rule( t*e +orl( I4(

/uil( a ,ansion +it* ra3ors an( pens8 *e sas to *i,sel) as *e s*uts t*e

/at*roo, (oor an( turns on t*e s*o+er.

T*e star)is* 2no+s t*is ,a /e *is onl c*ance to escape. He cli,/s )ro,

t*e open /rie)case an( (as*es across t*e roo, or per)or,s +*ate&er

slo+er ,ec*anis, a star)is* ,i'*t *a&e t*at4s co,para/le to a (as* an(

*e )eels t*e t*in' *e is ,o&in' to+ar( co,e closer an( closer +it* e&er

sli, inc*. T*e (oor to Ha,pton4s /e(roo, is close( /ut *e4s a/le to

s5uee3e /et+een t*e /otto, o) t*e (oor an( t*e s*a' carpet +*ic* soa2s

so,e o) t*e ,oisture )ro, *is un(ersi(e an( /urns *is tin li,/s. He )in(s



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San;ta Claus *as colon cancer

Fa la la la la la la la la

Eut*anasia is t*e ans+er


Eisen*o+er4s ri'*t )or )a,ilies

Fa la la la la la la la la*

Ta2in' s*o+ers so,et*in' ,a,lies


Ha,pton repeats t*ese lines se&eral ti,es occasionall s+appin' a +or(

out )or one t*at r*,es /etter or +orse t*at ,a2es ,ore or less sense in

t*e conte0t o) t*e tune. A)ter a )e+ roun(s *e settles on1

Santa Claus *as colon cancer


Eut*anasia is t*e ans+er


C*rist,as ti,e4s t*e ti,e )or 'i&in'

Fa la la la la la la la la*

Sp*ilis to all t*e c*il(ren



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B t*e ti,e Ha,pton )inis*es t*is roun( t*e star)is* *as ,a(e it to t*e

en( o) t*e *all+a an( t*e contente( o*n Ha,pton s*uts (o+n t*e

s*o+er. T*e star)is* reali3es t*e )ront (oor is close( an( t*at *e can4t

s5uee3e t*rou'* it t*e +a *e (i( t*e /e(roo, (oor. He notices an open

+in(o+ an( *ea(s to+ar( it. T*e t*in' *e is ,o&in' to+ar( is so close t*at

*e +on(ers i) it ,i'*t /e t*e +in(o+ itsel) /ut it 2eeps on ,o&in' e&en

+it*out *i, an( t*e )ront (oor s+in's open. It4s C*ristine. But C*ristine is

not t*e t*in' *e is ,o&in' to+ar(. T*e electrons in t*e star)is*4s /o(

a(6ust t*eir spin 6ust sli'*tl as (o a set o) electrons across t*e roo,.

T*rou'* 5uantu, entan'le,ent t*e star)is* *as /eco,e per,anent

connecte( to t*e ,olecules in t*e +a))le ice crea, cone t*at C*ristine

s*o&es (o+n *er t*roat t*e t*in' *e is (ra+n to+ar( +*ic* s*atters to

/its un(er *er ello+in' teet* an( a *an( reac*es (o+n an( +raps its

)in'ers aroun( )i&e o) t*e si0 'aps /et+een t*e star)is*4s se&en +ri''lin'

appen(a'es.



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I

7I4, 'onna ,a2e ou prett little star)is*8 sas Ha,pton4s (au'*ter as

s*e )ina'les *i, into a (oll4s (ress. 7Mo, an( (a( (on4t /elie&e ou4re

ali&e /ut I 2no+ ou are. ou4re a 'i)t )ro, Go( to ,a2e ,e *app. ou4re

a ,a'ical star)is*. T*is is Bar/ie. Ha&e ou ,et Bar/ie:8

T*e star)is* reco'ni3es Bar/ie )ro, *is ,e,or /an2 o) 'alactic *istor

/ut isn4t sure *e4s e&er actuall ,et *er.

7I *a&e not. Hello Bar/ie.8

T*e little 'irl screa,s an( Ha,pton runs into *er roo,. 7-*at4s

,atter:8 *e as2s.

7M star)is* tal2e(8 sas t*e little 'irl.

Ha,pton ees +i(e loo2s at t*e star)is* an( sas1 7-*ere (i( ou 'et

t*at: T*at +as in , /rie)case Ha&e ou /een ,essin' aroun( in , roo,

a'ain:8



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7Don4t ou )uc2in' lie to ,e8 s*outs Ha,pton. T*e little 'irl cries an(

Ha,pton apolo'i3es.

7ust (on4t 'o in , roo, a'ain ou4re not allo+e( in t*ere8

Ha,pton.

7But (a((...8 sas t*e little 'irl as Ha,pton lea&es *er roo,.

T*e star)is* anal3es Bar/ie )urt*er.

7Da(4s al+as an'r8 sas t*e little 'irl. 7Don4t let *i, scare ou.8

7I4, not a)rai(8 t*e star)is* lies.

7es ou are. I 2no+ ou4re scare(8 sas t*e little 'irl.

T*e star)is* is silent.

7Do ou 2no+ +*at ,a2es ,e )eel /etter +*en I4, scare(:8 sas t*e little

'irl. 7Ice crea,8 an( t*e little 'irl runs out o) t*e roo, presu,a/l to 'et



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T*e star)is* 2noc2s t*e spoon out o) *is /o+l an( sits atop t*e ice crea,

suc2in' it up into *is little /lac2 *ole /ut it4s no su/stitute )or t*e real

t*in' t*e t*in' *e is ,o&in' to+ar(. 7Do ou *a&e an cones:8 *e as2s.

7No , ,o, +or2s at an ice crea, store an( t*e *a&e lots o) cones

t*ere /ut +e (on4t *a&e an *ere8 sas t*e little 'irl.

Despite 2no+in' t*at *is cone is crus*e( *e can still )eel it s+irlin' aroun(

in C*ristine4s /o+els. E&en t*ou'* t*e cone is no lon'er t*ere *e )eels

un(enia/l attac*e( to +*ate&er re,nants still e0ist. 7T*ere4s so,et*in' I

nee( )ro, our ,ot*er8 *e sas.

7I (on4t t*in2 s*e can *elp. Mo,4s ,ean too8 sas t*e little 'irl. 7S*e

(oesn4t li2e ,e.8

T*e star)is* apolo'i3es. 7Tell ,e ,ore a/out Bar/ie.8

7S*e li&es in a /eac* *ouse8 sas t*e little 'irl. 7Her /o)rien( is en an(

e&en t*ou'* t*e4re li2e a ,illion ears ol( s*e still *asn4t ,arrie( *i,

/ecause s*e (oesn4t nee( a ,an. M ,o, tol( ,e t*at.8



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T*e little 'irl replies1 7Sure.8

An( t*e star)is* sas1 7-*at is it li2e to /e ,a(e o) plastic: I *a&e access to

all t*e 2no+le('e in t*e uni&erse /ut I can ne&er 2no+1 (o ou )eel in t*e

sa,e +a t*at I )eel:8

An( Bar/ie is silent.



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Lon' a)ter t*e Ha,pton (au'*ter *as 'one to sleep t*e star)is* spea2s

+it* Bar/ie. 7-as an o) t*is e&en +ort* it: I4&e co,e too )ar... I4&e co,e

too )ar to let t*is all collapse /eneat* ,e. T*e pieces o) , li)e 6ust (on4t

a(( up. T*e pieces o) , li)e 6ust (on4t a(( up. I +as so sure t*at t*is t*in'

I +as ,o&in' to+ar( +as so,et*in' i,portant. So,et*in' t*at ,attere(.

So,et*in' t*at +oul( ,a2e ,e /i''er as a star)is*. But all o) t*is it4s /een

)or a )uc2in' ice crea, cone. I4&e 'ro+n ,ore t*an t*ree inc*es

(ia,eter since I4&e le)t t*e sea. I can4t turn /ac2 an( I see +*at4s /e)ore ,e

,ore clearl no+ t*an I4&e e&er seen it /ut t*e past is o/)uscate( an(

+*ate&er it is t*at lies /e)ore ,e +*ate&er it ,a /e I4&e co,e too )ar to

let t*is all collapse. A U>0W!?= *ere a U#=!0; t*ere an( it4s 6ust a /unc*

o) /ro2en up +a))le soa2e( in *(roc*loric aci( an( /ile. I a, t*e past an(

I a, t*e )uture an( et I4, a sla&e to t*e annals o) cause an( e))ect

trappe( in t*is )ourt* (i,ension o) lo'ical continuu, I a, so ,uc* ,ore.

E&ert*in' is so ,uc* ,ore. I s*oul( /e t*e +orl(. -*ate&er t*is +*ole

t*in' is )or t*e onl t*in' I 2no+ )or certain is t*at a'ainst all o((s I4,

still... ,o&in'... to+ar(.8



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T*e star)is* notices t*e little 'irl4s ees *a&e opene( an( *e spea2s to *er.

7I4&e tol( ou t*ere4s so,et*in' I nee( )ro, our ,ot*er. I4, sorr to lea&e

ou. I *ope ou *a&e a 'oo( li)e /ut )uc2 t*is.8 T*e little 'irl4s ees +i(en.

7ust )uc2 it.8

He tries to +i''le *is +a out o) *is (ress an( t*e little 'irl sas1 7Let ,e

*elp ou.8

An( t*e star)is* sas1 7T*ere4s not*in' ou can (o to *elp. I) I (on4t 'et on

, +a all coul( /e lost8 an( t*e little 'irl no(s *er *ea(.

T*e star)is* lea&es t*e (ress (an'lin' )ro, *is appen(a'es an( cra+ls to

t*e (oor. He s5uee3es a'ain /et+een t*e (oor an( t*e s*a' carpet an( to

t*e little 'irl *e is 'one )ore&er. His trip (o+n t*e *all is lon'er t*is ti,e

in)inite in its o+n +a /ut in t*e sense t*at it +ill )ore&er e0ist as t*is

,o,ent in ti,e crstalli3e( in t*e ,e,or o) t*e uni&erse. He )ollo+s *is

o+n trail an( a'ain s5uee3es /eneat* Ha,pton4s /e(roo, (oor. T*e li'*ts

are o)). Ha,pton an( C*ristine lie na2e( on t*e /e(.

7I (on4t 2no+ +*at I4, 'oin' to (o +it* *er8 sas Ha,pton.



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7I can4t *a&e *er ru,,a'in' t*rou'* , t*in's. I s*oul(n4t *a&e pic2e( up

t*at star)is* in t*e )irst place8 sas Ha,pton.

7I) it +asn4t a star)is* it +oul( *a&e /een so,et*in' else8 sas C*ristine.

7S*e4s 6ust at t*at a'e. S*e +ants to 2no+ *er )at*er.8

7An( +*at t*e )uc2 is +it* t*at trail o) s*it all o&er t*e carpet: Di( s*e

t*in2 I +oul(n4t 2no+ s*e +as in *ere:8 sas Ha,pton.

C*ristine sas1 7I4ll clean it up in t*e ,ornin'. i(s ,a2e ,esses. It4s

nor,al.8

7ou4re /ein' )uc2in' irrational C*ristine8 sas Ha,pton. 7All /a( (ee(s

re5uire punis*,ent. S*e4s &iolate( , pri&ac ti,e an( ti,e an( ti,e

a'ain ou can4t *onestl t*in2 s*e4s in t*e ri'*t *ere. ou can4t *onestl

/elie&e t*at an o) t*is is nor,al.8

7Cal, (o+n *one8 sas C*ristine. 7I4ll tal2 to *er a/out it.8

Ha,pton sits up. 7ou t*in2 tal2 *as ant*in' to (o +it* it: ou4re a



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C*ristine8 an( *e stan(s up. T*e star)is* inc*es to+ar( t*e /e(. 7I nee(

so,e ti,e to )uc2in' t*in2.8

7-*at (o ou nee( to t*in2 a/out o*n:8 s*e sas.

79ur )uc2in' ,arria'e.8

Ha,pton /olts to+ar( t*e /e(roo, (oor. C*ristine calls out 7+ait8 an( *e

passes t*e t*res*ol( sla,,in' t*e (oor /e*in( *i,. T*e star)is* +or2s

*is +a up a /e(s*eet t*at (an'les to t*e )loor. As t*e star)is* sli(es closer

to C*ristine s*e starts to cr. He cra+ls slo+l /et+een *er le's. In a s+i)t

,otion *e cla,ps onto *er e0pose( anus prin' *is +a insi(e one li,/

at a ti,e an( t*e star)is* is *app as s*e screa,s in a'on /ecause *e

2no+s *e is closer t*an *e *as e&er /een.



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I

Se&eral Me0icans are *a&in' a )iesta. It is so,eone4s /irt*(a insi(e t*e

anus o) C*ristine. E&en t*ou'* t*e star)is* is a star)is* *e un(erstan(s

t*at t*e insi(e o) C*ristine4s anus is a stran'e place to co,e across a

Me0ican )iesta. He 'u33les a )lo+ o) li&er +*is2e t*at C*ristine ,ust *a&e

'u33le( t*e pre&ious ni'*t an( *e )in(s t*at it is e&erone4s /irt*(a an(

t*e )iesta *as onl 6ust /e'un. T*e Me0icans /urn can(les )or li'*t atop

/irt*(a ca2es o) all s*apes an( si3es. T*e soun(s o) La Cucarac*a ec*o in

t*e intestinal +alls +*ose &illi +a''le ai,lessl to t*e /eat o) t*e ,usic.

9ne o) t*e Me0icans places a ca2e /esi(e t*e star)is*.

7ZPor 5u esta,os to(os a5u[ e,paca,os co,o un coc*e (e paaso:8 sas

t*e star)is*.

7Do ou e&en spea2 Spanis*:8 as2s t*e Me0ican. 7T*at soun(s li2e ou 'ot

it )ro, a )uc2in' Goo'le Translate.8

7Sorr. I4&e /een co,,unicatin' in En'lis* )or se&eral (as no+ an( I *a(

/een /rus*in' up on , En'lis* )or se&eral *ours /e)ore t*at8 sas t*e



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7Rela0 It4s a )iesta8 sas t*e Me0ican. 7It (oesn4t ,atter +*at lan'ua'e +e

spea2 it4s e&erone4s cu,pleanos *ere8

7Don4t ou ,ean cu,plea\os:8 sas t*e star)is*: 79* ne&er,in( I 6ust 'ot

t*at.8

7ou nee( to learn our puns lil star)is*8 sas t*e Me0ican. 7Puns +ill 'et

ou )ar.8

7I can4t co,e a +*ole lot )art*er t*an I4&e co,e alrea( can I:8 sas t*e

star)is*.

7True (at true (at8 sas t*e Me0ican. 7Blo+ out our can(les it4s our

)uc2in' /irt*(a8

T*e star)is* loo2s at t*e ca2e. 7I4, not sure I can.8

79* co,e on +e4&e all 'ot +is*es to ,a2e *ere toni'*t +e +oul(n4t /e

*ere i) +e (i(n4t8 sas t*e Me0ican.



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7-* are ou *ere:8 t*e Me0ican repeats. 7-e4&e all 'ot our reasons.8

7I4&e ne&er /een to a )iesta /e)ore8 sas t*e star)is*. 79r an sort o) part

reall. An( I t*in2 i) C*ristine *a(n4t *a( so ,uc* +*is2e in *er sste,

I4( *a&e a lot o) trou/le suspen(in' , (is/elie) as to *o+ t*is particular

e&ent is e&en occurrin'. I *a&e access to all t*e (ata in t*e uni&erse an(

et t*is c*apter still see,s un/elie&a/le not to ,ention a /it (eri&ati&e o)

Alice4s A(&entures in -on(erlan(. -e aren4t li&in' in a stor/oo2 /ut I4,

not sure +*ere ou all )it in +it* realit. Ho+ coul( it /e e&erone4s

/irt*(a: -*at (o ou (o +*en it isn4t our /irt*(a: Do ou al+as li&e

insi(e t*is anus:8

7ou *a&e to learn to accept a little i,pro/a/ilit in li)e8 sas t*e Me0ican.

7An( e&en +it* access to all t*e (ata in t*e uni&erse t*ere are still certain

t*in's ou can4t e&er 2no+. -e4re in t*is /i' c*aotic ,ess o) t*in' 6ust

,ello+ a little an( /e cool. I) ou +ant to un(erstan( t*e uni&erse ou4ll

/e )orce( to spen( our e&er secon( calculatin' an( *o+ +oul( t*at

,a2e ou an (i))erent )ro, t*e uni&erse itsel): Ho+ +oul( t*at ,a2e ou

ali&e: our perception *o+e&er &ast is 6ust one perspecti&e )ro, +*ic*

t*e uni&erse o/ser&es itsel) /ut t*e uni&erse is not 6ust one t*in' it4s a



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entan'le,ent. ou4re 6ust one no(e in t*e &ast net+or2 o) realit an(

alt*ou'* ou ,a not o/ser&e t*e consensus in t*e sa,e +a I (o t*at

,a2es ou no ,ore or less a 'o( t*an t*e /acteriop*a'es in C*ristine4s 'ut.

Trut* is +*et*er or not ou c*oose to o/ser&e t*is )iesta as )act t*e rest o)

us *a&e o/ser&e( it an( t*at itsel) ,a2es it true. It is all o) our /irt*(as

e&en t*ose o) us /orn at t*e /e'innin' o) ti,e.8

7ou4re /e'innin' to soun( li2e ,e8 sas t*e star)is*. 7I a, +ell a+are o)

entan'le,ent an( es I *a&e o/ser&e( ou /ut as ou4&e alrea( state

t*e ,ere )act o) , o/ser&ation *as c*an'e( ou as t*e )act o)

o/ser&ation c*an'e( t*e nature o) t*e o/6ect to+ar( +*ic* I a, ,o&in'.

-e ,a /e onl pieces o) t*e uni&erse apart /ut ou are as ,uc* a part o)

,e no+ as I a, a part o) ou. I) I +ere to c*oose not to o/ser&e t*is

pro/a/ilistic ni'*t,are o) a )iesta +oul( not e0ist to ,e e0

tan'entiall t*rou'* t*e pieces o) t*e uni&erse t*at *a&e o/ser&e( us /ot*

or t*at +e *a&e /ot* o/ser&e(. But i) I c*oose to o/ser&e t*ose pieces

a'ain an( (o so &er care)ull i) I c*oose to o/ser&e...8 an( all o) t*e

Me0icans /lo+ out t*eir /irt*(a can(les an( t*e star)is*4s can(les as +ell

an( t*e onl li'*t re,ainin' is t*e so)t 'lo+ o) t*e star)is*4s /o( as *is

&oice trails o)) into in)init.



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II

T*e star)is* )inall lea&es t*e )iesta space t*rou'* a ,etal (oor

C*ristine4s 'ut +*ere *e )in(s *i,sel) in a per)ectl cu/ical lu,inescent

'reen roo,. T*e (oor s*uts /e*in( *i, an( +*en *e loo2s /ac2 it is 'one.

T*ere are no s*a(o+s in t*e roo, onl 'reen an( t*e )loor is t*e sa,e

color 'reen as t*e ceilin' an( it re,in(s *i, o) space /ecause in space no

,atter +*at (irection ou loo2 e&ert*in' loo2s a/out t*e sa,e unless

ou4re particularl close to one o/6ect or anot*er. He +oul( consi(er t*e

possi/ilit t*at *e ,a *a&e so,e*o+ entere( a ne+ plane o) e0istence i)

not )or t*e ru,/lin's o) C*ristine4s insi(es an( t*e ,u))le( &oice

Ha,pton s*outin' in t*e /ac2'roun( i) *e coul(n4t )eel t*e &i/rations o)

Ha,pton4s &oice passin' t*rou'* t*e o/6ect o) C*ristine in t*e 'reen +alls

an( )loors o) t*is /a))lin' cu/icle. C*ristine t*e su/6ect s*outs1 7It4s insi(e

o) ,e T*e star)is* is insi(e o) ,e8 -*en ou4re insi(e a person t*eir

&oice soun(s (i))erent li2e it ,ust soun( in t*eir o+n *ea( an( t*e

star)is*4s +orries a/out t*e point o) *is 6ourne (issol&e as *e re,e,/ers

it4s not t*e o/6ect o) t*e cone *e see2s /ut t*e su/6ecti&e cone t*at *e ,ust

/eco,e one +it*. T*at t*e cone itsel) is 6ust a &essel o) t*e t+iste( al'e/ra

*e is ,o&in' to+ar(. He is alrea( one +it* t*e o/6ect o) t*e cone an( *as



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7ou4re )uc2in' losin' it I can4t )uc2in' *an(le t*is8 s*outs Ha,pton )ro,

C*ristine4s e0terior. 7-*at t*e )uc2 are ou (oin' in *ere 'et t*e )uc2 out8

T*e little 'irl +*i,pers1 7But (a(( I 6ust +ant to 2no+ +*at4s +ron'. Di(

t*e star)is* tal2 to ,o,,:8 E&ert*in' is silent e0cept )or t*e ,o&e,ent

o) C*ristine4s /o+els +*ic* approac* t*e star)is* secon( / secon(.

7-*at t*e )uc2 (i( ou 6ust sa:8 sas Ha,pton.

7I 6ust +ante( to 2no+ i) t*e star)is* tal2e( to ,o,,8 sas t*e little 'irl.

C*ristine /ello+s in pain. 7Da(( Da(( -*at are ou (oin':8

star)is* )eels t*e little 'irl4s )eet poun(in' on t*e carpet an( a (oor sla,s

s*ut. 7-*at4s +ron' (a((: -*at4s +ron': I (i(n4t (o ant*in'.8 T*e little

'irl starts to cr.

7Don4t ou )uc2in' touc* *er8 s*outs C*ristine an( t*e star)is*

p*sicall *urt / t*e re&er/eration o) *er +or(s. 7Don4t la a *an( on

*er8

7No No (a((8 s*outs t*e little 'irl an( t*e silence sets in a'ain an( all

t*at4s le)t is t*e ru,/lin'.



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III

T*e 'reen roo, ,orp*s into so,et*in' )ar less pleasant so,et*

entirel /lac2. T*e star)is* *u,s ner&ousl )or a source o) li'*t an( t*e

intestinal +alls +*ic* *e *as /eco,e acutel a+are o) ec*o *is *u,s. 7Do

ou *a&e not*in' to sa:8 as2s Ha,pton al,ost pleasantl /ut still onl

t*e ru,/lin's re,ain.

A s,/iotic /acteriu, in countr;an(;+estern 'ar/ approac*es

star)is*. 7Ho+(. T*at +as so,e eruption.8

7Eruption:8 as2s t*e star)is*. 7Is t*at our onl co,,ent:8

79ne o) t*e /i''est in ,an a (a8 sas t*e countr;an(;+est

/acteriu,. 7But it4s not an unco,,on t*in'. I4, )i'urin4 +e4ll carr on.8

7T*is is nor,al to ou:8 as2s t*e star)is*.

7No+ ou4re 6ust not ,a2in4 an sense8 sas t*e countr;an(;+este

star)is*. 7I4&e ne&er seen ou aroun( t*ese parts t*ou'* an( I suppose ou



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7es8 sas t*e star)is* /ecause it4s all *e *as to sa.

7T*ese eruptions *a&e 6ust 'ot /i''er since t*e Ha,pton &oice starte( an(

I4, +on(erin4 *o+ lon' +e4&e 'ot in *ere. A co+/o ne&er a(,its *e4s

a)eare( /ut I /een +on(erin4 I /een t*in2in4 ou 2no+ at an ,o,ent

+e coul( all /e toast8 sas t*e countr;an(;+estern /acteriu,. 7T*e Great

C*ristine is 'ettin4 less sta/le / t*e ,inute I rec2on. An( +*en it 'oes

+ell so +ill +e o/&iousl. I so,eti,es +on(er i) t*ere4s ant*in' /eon(

t*ese tu/es /ut it see,s t*e )art*er I 'o t*e lon'er t*e 'et an( I 2no+ it4s

t*e sa,e )or ou /ecause it4s t*e sa,e )or e&erone. -e 6ust +an(er an(

+an(er an( t*ere4ll ne&er /e ant*in' out t*ere )or us as )ar as +e 'o no

,atter *o+ )ar +e4&e co,e e&ert*in' is 6ust t*e sa,e.8

7ou4re ri'*t8 sas t*e star)is*.

An( t*e countr;an(;+estern /acteriu, sas1 7I (on4t e&en 2no+ +* I

2eep on a;tra&elin4 t*ese (as t*e )art*er I 'o t*e (ar2er it 'ets. But I

+on(er i) li2e t*e sa ,a/e t*ere4s a li'*t at t*e en( o) t*e tunnel. Let

,e sin' ou an ol( countr son' an( ,a/e it4ll ease our ,in( li2e it

eases ,ine.8 It 'oes li2e t*is1



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Scratc* , /utt li2e t*ere4s no one *ere

Drin2in4 Miller Lite /e*in( t*e +*eel

T*at4s +*en t*e copper starte( C9PPIN4 A FEEL

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-* o* +*4( I 'et a

D.K.I.

Me o* , I 'ot a D.K.I.

No+ I can4t 'et *i'*

Because I4, sittin4 *ere in prison 'ettin4 )uc2e( / a 'u

E&ert*in' ru,/les a'ain. 7Get t*e )uc2 out o) , *ouse8 sas C*ristine in

/et+een )rantic 'asps )or /reat*.

7ou 2no+ , onl purpose is to (e&our8 so,eone sas. 7I a, *ere in t*is

uni&erse )or 6ust one t*in' to +atc* it all cru,/le aroun( ,e an( I use(

to t*in2 I +as a )ailure. I use( to t*in2 I coul( ne&er li&e up to , )at*er4s

e0pectations , )at*er +*ose (estruction *as s*ape( t*e +orl( aroun(

,e. ou coul( ne&er possi/l un(erstan( *o+ I4&e )elt. But so,et*in' *as

c*an'e( in ,e I )eel t*is spar2.8



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7An( I4ll 2ill ou too.8

T*e ru,/lin' stops )ore&er. T*e pull o) t*e ice crea, cone 'rips

star)is* an( *e 2no+s t*at it +ill onl /e a ,atter o) *ours /e)ore *e

reac*es t*e t*in' *e is ,o&in' to+ar(.



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IV

7I rec2on I4ll /e *ittin4 t*e (ust trail no+8 sas t*e countr;an(;+estern

/acteriu,. 7Loo2s to ,e t*at t*is ,i'*t reall /e t*e en( so I4, o)) to )in(

t*at li'*t at t*e en( o) t*e tunnel.8 He tips *is tin little co+/o *at an(

pressure insi(e t*e star)is* /uil(s an( /uil(s an( pulls *i, )urt*er up into

t*e C*ristine t*at once +as it pulls *i, )urt*er an( )urt*er to+ar( t*e ice

crea, cone. He continues *u,,in' )or li'*t t*e little countr (itt t*at

t*e s,/iote tau'*t *i,. His 6ourne is easier no+ /ecause t*e +alls no

lon'er pus* *i, /ac2 an( +it*in ,inutes t*e ice crea, cone is in si'*t.

For a secon( it loo2s to *i, li2e t*e cone itsel) is ,o&in' to+ar( *i, as *e

,o&es to+ar( it. He can still )eel t*e uni&erse /e*in( *i,. He can )eel

space. He can )eel t*e sea. He can )eel t*e little creatures t*at li&e in t*e

crac2s o) Bellin'*a,4s concrete ,ultiplin' an( /ranc*in' o)). He touc*es

it an( all at once *e is e&ert*in' t*at e&er +as or e&er +ill /e an( as *e

(e&ours t*e t*in' *e is ,o&in' to+ar( t*e tin /lac2 *ole insi(e o) *i,

'ro+s an( +it*in secon(s *e is pulle( in+ar( an( t*e /lac2 *ole (e&ours

*i, an( +it*in ,inutes C*ristine is /ut a ,e,or o) a uni&erse loo2in

in+ar( upon itsel) an( +it*in *ours t*e Eart* is 'one an( soon +*en

ti,e is no lon'er rele&ant +*en not*in' re,ains to loo2 in+ar( t*e

seven legged starfish- c.a. mullinsdocshare04.docshare.tips/files/26362/263623954.pdf · 2019. 9....

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