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8/14/2019 Selling Treatment

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Abu Ahmadinejihad lies strapped to a wooden plank nearly

inverted with a black cloth over his head. His interrogator

Lieutenant Slyme repeatedly dumps gallons of water over his face.

Abu defiantly refuses to talk. With that Slyme binds him up, dresses

him up in an orange jump suit, grabs him by the collar and then

begins to sing a song about Abu’s new home, Guantanamo Bay.

Abu is an insurgent from Stanistan. He tries to rally the

citizens there to war against the United States. There is only one

problem, the citizens of Stanistan are too busy either turning off

ovens or washing hair. It is at that point that Abu and Manuel

Sanchez, a janitor from Mexico, who clutches a mop, are surrounded by

Slyme and his cohorts. Slyme pistol whips Abu and throws him in the

Hum vee. When Slyme threatens Manuel, he shrugs, drops the mop and

gets in the Hum-vee.

Meanwhile in Washington D.C. there is a veritable shit storm

brewing around the release of photographs depicting torture at Abu

Ghraib. In response the Department of Defense, headed by General

Claw, promotes Lieutenant Andrew Johnson to Major and puts him in

charge of the transition of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay from Camp X-

Ray to Camp Delta. In Claw’s office Johnson is given his assignment

and is to be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay, DUH DUH DUH! Once at

Guantanamo Bay DUH DUH DUH! (Sorry!) he is instructed to cease

Operation GWNOTASOB (Go Willy Nilly on Those A-rab Sonsofbitches) and

enact Operation SAD (Song and Dance) in preparation for French United

Nations inspector Gaget’s tour of Guantanamo.



While in Claw’s office, Johnson is introduced to Dick Peters,

the press secretary for the Department of Defense. He is countered by

a young smart fiery redheaded reporter named Amanda James. During

his first press conference she confronts him about the torture. He

responds to this by putting on a skit staring himself as Mr. American

fighting against the Terrorist saving an Arabic Woman whose freedom

is in jeopardy. The terrorist attacks him, calling him a pig dog. He

nails the terrorist with three comic book punches, POW! WHAM!

KABLOOIE! He concludes that all terrorists do is terrorize and isn’t

that terrible, God Bless America and Good Night.

Amanda, frustrated with the lack of information she is able to

get, contacts her friend Raul, a Temp/Intern at the Department of

Defense. They meet in a dark alley off of K Street, where a dark

shadowy figure demands she refer to him as Deepthroat. Amanda calls

his bluff. Raul is FABULOUS; he makes Elton John look like Hulk

Hogan. She convinces him to plant Microphones and a Camera in Peters’

office.

At Guantanamo, Abu and Johnson find themselves in a little bit

of a pickle. Johnson watches as Abu is beaten and tortured. Sgt.

Queen crucifies Abu over a pool of water, drapes him in a black

cloak, and electrocutes him. Following this Johnson begins to enact

Operation Song And Dance in preparation for the arrival of Inspector

Gaget from the U.N. He has the prisoners put on various skits for

Gaget, where they talk about how much they love Guantanamo Bay. This

is followed by a chorus line of Orange jumpsuited prisoners singing



about the perks of Democracy and the Free Market.

After Gaget leaves, Abu plans a riot at the prison. Manuel

Sanchez, the janitor from Mexico, ends up a prisoner at Guantanamo.

Johnson eventually sets him free and puts him to work. After taking

shit from just about everyone, he is confronted by Abu, who has him

break into the weapons arsenal. There they find gasoline and douse

both the arsenal and Camp Delta, this leads to a massive explosion

and a riot where a prisoner shouts, “All your base are belong to us!”

Abu tries to escape during the chaos, but is confronted by Major

Johnson. Abu reasons with him, and eventually convinces him to

escape.

In Washington, Amanda is able to uncover the truth about

GWNOTASOB and SAD. She also has Raul break into Peters’ office and

steal documents Mission Impossible style with my help, of course.

Eventually they discover the bug and trace it back to her. She

decides to take all the information she has and flees to Cuba.

As the smoke rises from the crumbling remains of Camp Delta, the

fire in America rages on. Riot at Guantanamo is plastered across

every medium offered the media. There are cameo appearances by Lou

Dobbs, Bill O’Reilly, Larry King and Wolf Blitzer each providing

their own personal spin on the information coming out of Guantanamo.

In Cuba, Johnson and Abu encounter Amanda. There they shoot a

revealing interview, which airs across America. The reaction from the

Pentagon is that Abu Ahmadinejihad is wanted dead or alive. Johnson,

Abu and Amanda meet Raul’s aunt and uncle who give them a 1950s Pink



Thunderbird Convertible with a motor attached to it, which will allow

them passage across the Gulf of Mexico. As the make shift boat

sputters across the gulf, an American chopper flies over head. They

attempt to make contact with Johnson and Abu telling them to kill the

engine. When this fails, they resort to the only other possible

solution.

The sound of a machine gun rattles and Abu is shot several

times. His last words to Johnson are “I want you to do something for

me, never let go of the truth” to which Johnson replies “I’ll never

let go Abu, never let go”. After this the entire cast of the film

joins together in a finale based on the Beach Boys song “Cocomo”,

because that’s where we wanna go, down to Guantanamo.

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