Self-TalkforaCalmerYou

Learnhowtousepositiveself-talktocontrolanxietyandliveahappier,morerelaxedlife

BEVERLYD.FLAXINGTONTheHumanBehaviorCoach

Avon,Massachusetts

DedicationThisbookisdedicatedtotwomenwhoshowedmefirsthandthepowerofpositiveself-talk:HenrySzafarzandDr.RichardHarte.Iwillbeforevergratefulfortheirpreciousgiftandfortheknowledgeofhowtoteachothers.

Contents

INTRODUCTION:TakeChargeofYourAnxiety—andSelf-TalkPreparingfortheCalmerYou

PartI

CHAPTER1:AnxietyandtheImportanceofSelf-TalkCHAPTER2:Self-TalkandYouCHAPTER3:FindingYourTriggers

PartII

CHAPTER4:BuildingYourSelf-TalkToolboxCHAPTER5:AnxietyinPersonalRelationshipsCHAPTER6:AnxietyintheWorkplaceCHAPTER7:DealingwithLifeChanges,CreatingLifeChangesCHAPTER8:ManagingStressfulSituationsCHAPTER9:TheArtofSelf-Reflection:ChallengingYourSelf-TalkCopyright

INTRODUCTION

TakeChargeofYourAnxiety—andSelf-Talk

Anxietyisafactoflifefortoomanypeople.That’sthebadnews.Thegoodnewsisit’sfixable.Everythingfromgettingstuckintraffictoburningthetoasttodealingwith

disappointmentinarelationshipcanfuelthefiresofanxietyuntilouranxiousmindcan’tseemtocalmitselfdown.Thisbookwillshowyouwhatanxietyis,howtodefineitandunderstandit,

andwhatcausesyoutobecomeanxious.Youwillhaveachancetocompleteanassessmenttouncoveryourtriggersandcausalevents.Thisbookiswrittenforanyonewhodesiresahigherqualityofemotionallifeandwhoistiredoflivinghisorherlifeinananxiousstate.Asyou’llseeinthefollowingpages,youalreadyhaveavaluabletoolwith

whichtoaddressyouranxiety:self-talk.Atitsmostbasiclevel,self-talkisthewayyoutalktoyourself.It’sakindofrunninginternalmonologue,astreamofconsciousness.Aspartofthereactionyouhavetolifecircumstances,itseems“normal”tohaveaconversationwithyourselfabouteverythingyouencounter,ormightencounter.Ifyouthinkaboutthatprocess,youwillfindthatyouprobablytalktoyourselfaboutmostthingsinyourlife.Thisbookwillshowyouhowtoturnthatself-talkintoanantidotetoanxiety.

It’sameansforyoutoturnbackthewavesofpanicthatsometimesthreatentooverwhelmyou.Howyourespondtoeventsinlifeisinfinitelymoreimportantthanwhatactuallyhappenstoyou.Youmayhaveheardstoriesaboutpeopleovercomingimpossibleoddstosucceed,oraboutthosewhoriseabovetheirchallenges.Whattheysaytothemselves,howtheyinterprettheevents,whattheychoosetouseastheirself-talkisoftenattherootoftheirabilitytoriseandsucceed.Whatmakesthedifferencebetweenthosepeoplewhoseemto

succeed.Whatmakesthedifferencebetweenthosepeoplewhoseemtoovercometheobstaclesandmakethingshappen,versusthosethatgetstuckandcan’tseemtofindthewayoutoftheiranxiousthoughtsandfeelings?Oftenitistheirself-talk.It’sthethingspeoplesaytothemselvestogetthemthroughorgivethemnewenergyorhelpthemproblemsolve.Ofcourse,there’sgoodself-talkandnotsogoodself-talk.Infact,your

internalmonologuecan,sometimes,makethingsworse.Inadditiontotheactualreal-lifeevents—youmight,forexample,beunabletopayyourbillsorexperienceablow-upfightwithyourspouse—youranxietybecomesexacerbatedbythewayyoutalktoyourselfaboutit:“Thereiswaytoomuchweekleftoverattheendofmymoney.”“Myspouseissorudetome!”“I’mnevergoingtogetahead.”Thesestatementsandthestoriesyoutellyourselfcandeepenyouranxiousresponses.Whatyoushouldrealize,though,isthatthisnegativeself-talkisactually

withinyourcontrol.Whatyouwilllearnfromthisbookisthatthereisadifferencebetweennegativeself-talk,whichdefeatsandstealsenergy,andpositiveself-talk,whichallowsyoutogetupagain,shakeoffthesetback,andfindanewway.Everyoneknowsthatanxietyisn’tgoodforyourhealth.Researchshowsitcan

raisebloodpressure,disruptsleep,causedigestiveproblems,andcauseanoverallfeelingofmalaise.Somepeoplebecomesousedtolivingwithanxietythattheybelieveitisthenormalstateofthemind.Theydevelopahightoleranceforpainandchoosetoignoretheeffectsoftheanxiety,ratherthanchoosingtotakechargeofitandmanageitdifferently.Thenegativetapesthatpeopleplayintheirsubconsciousdepletetheirenergy,

defeattheirbestintentions,andleavethembytheproverbialsideoftheroad,outofthegastheyneedtokeepgoing.Replacementscriptswithpositiveself-talkgiveyouawaytocalmdown.Infact,thescriptsyouplayinyourheadcanaffecttheoutcomeofyourlifecircumstances.Knowingwhattodoandbeingabletocallupontheseideasinanymomentisultimatelywhatmakesthedifferencebetweenthosewhocanmanagetheirself-talktotheiradvantageand

differencebetweenthosewhocanmanagetheirself-talktotheiradvantageandthosewhoaredoneinbyit.Ofcourse,learningaboutyourself-talkdoesn’tautomaticallymeanyouwill

haveapositiveattitudetowardeverythingnomatterwhathappens.Anxietywillstillvisityou.Itcansneakupwhenyouleastexpectit.Butthepointistobepreparedforit.Whatyouwilllearnthroughthisbookishowtorecognizethevisitsitmakes,whattriggersyouranxiety,andhowtocounteritthroughself-talk.Bygettingahandleonthesethings,youcanchangethegame.Youwilllearnhowtodifferentiatebetweentheself-talkthatstealsandtheself-talkthatheals.But,thefirststeptomakingapositivechangeistorecognizethereisaproblemwithwhatyouaredoingnowandtocommitthatyouwantthisanxiousmindtostopcausingyoupain.Insteadyouwantpeaceandcalmtodealwiththechallengesoflife.Let’sgetstartedonthepathtopositive,powerfulself-talk.

PreparingfortheCalmerYou

Habits—bothgoodandbad—takeawhiletodevelop.Unfortunatelyyoumaynothavebeenconsciousaboutwhichhabitsarethebestonesforyou,sosome,suchasyournegativeself-talk,maybeself-defeating.Itwilltakeaconcertedeffortonyourparttoturntopositiveself-talkonaregularbasistogettothecalmeryou.Toprepareforyourjourney,takethefollowingsteps:

1. Makeacommitmenttoyourself.Repeatoverandoverthatthismatterstoyouandthisissomethingyouwanttodo.It’sagiftyouwillgiveyourself,sobesureyouarereadytoreceiveit.Positiveself-talkwillworkforyou,anditwillcalmyoubutonlyifyouarereadytoembraceit.Ifyouthinkitwillhelp,writeoutyourcommitmentandtapeittoyourrefrigerator,yourmirror,orsomewhereyou’llseeiteverydaytoremindyouofthejourneyonwhichyou’reembarking.

2. WhilereadingthiseBook,it’simportanttokeeptrackofyourthoughtsinajournalofsomekind.Considerbuyinganotebook,purchasinganappforyoursmartphonetokeepnotes,orsetupaWordorExceldocumentonyourcomputer.Youcanalsotakenotesusingyoure-readingdevice.Havesomethingavailabletorecordobservations,makenotesofpositiveself-talkyouwanttouse,andobservealongtheway.Don’tusethenotebookorspreadsheetforanythingelse.Thisisallaboutgettingyouontheroadtopositiveself-talk.

3. Getapackof3"×5"cards.You’lloftenbeaskedtowritethingsdown,sokeepthecardsinahandy,visibleplace.

4. Findorcreateasafeandcomfortableplaceyouareabletogotodosomeoftheexercises.Thiscouldbeaspacewithinaroominyourhouse,oritcouldbesomewhereelse;itdoesn’tmatteraslongasyoufeelcomfortableand

relaxedthere.Itneedstobesomewhereyouwon’tbeinterruptedbyphonecalls,family,oranyotherdistractions.Itneedn’tbelarge—justaplacetositandfocus.

5. Besuretokeepthisbookhandyatalltimes.Thisjourneywillinvolvemanyaspectsofyourlife,yourwork,yourrelationships,andyourday-to-dayactivities.Youwanttohavetheinformationreadyatyourfingertipswhenyouneedit.

Spendingafewminutespreparingwillgiveyouthetoolsyouneedatthereadyasyoubeginthisodysseytothecalmeryou.Let’sstartnow.

PartI

CHAPTER1

AnxietyandtheImportanceofSelf-Talk

Anxiety.Eventheworditselfmightmakeyoufeelanxious.Ifthestatisticsareaccurate,20–30percentofthepopulationsuffersfromsomeformofanxietyatsomepointinouradultlives.Atanypointintime,that’salmost20millionpeoplewalkingaroundfeelingillatease.Whilesomelevelofanxietyaboutlifecircumstancesisnormal,forsomepeopleitbecomesdebilitatingandcanturnintofull-blownfearordisorders.Forsuchpeople,thequalityoflifesuffersbecauseanxietydisruptstheireverydayenjoymentoflife,theabilitytobecontent,oreventheirpotentialforsuccess.Therearetwotypesofanxiety:theeverydayfeelingofworryoruneasiness,andphobiasorothersimilarconditions.Inthischapter,we’lltalkaboutbothofthesetypes.

Where’sItComingFrom?

Thebiggestproblemwithresolvinganxietyisthatoftenitishardtoidentifyacauseorevenwhyyoufeelanxious.Youcan’tpinpointit.It’sjustafeelingthatthingsaren’trightandyoudon’tfeelhappyorcontent.Variousnegativelifeexperiencesconvincemanypeopletheworldisn’tasafeplace.Thesecanbetraumaticeventsintheirchildhood,disappointmentstheyhaveencountered,orothertroublestheyhaveseen.Eventhoughthoseeventsareinthepast,theycanproduceongoinganxiousfeelingsinthepresent.Infact,somepeopleuseanxietyasacopingmechanismtoprotectthemselvesfromnegativeexperiences.Tobeconfidentandfeelgoodleadstofailure,sobettertofeelanxiousanduptightandbeprepared!Almosteveryonehassomebadexperiences,trauma,orletdownsintheirlives.

Almosteveryonehassomebadexperiences,trauma,orletdownsintheirlives.Thosewhohavemorethantheirfairsharemayconcludethatlifejustisn’tasafeplace.Theylivewithaconsistentsenseofdisappointment.Beforewetakeupthecureforthisanxiety,let’sunderstandabitmoreabout

whatitis.Wecanalsohelpyouidentifywhattypeofanxietyyousufferfrom.

The“Blahs”

Manypeoplesufferfromaneverydayformofanxietycommonlyreferredtoas“theblahs.”Thiscanbehardtorecognizebecauseoftenitisn’tconnectedtoaspecificeventorsituation.Insteaditisjustthere.

AnxietyandFearPeoplesometimesequateanxietywithfear,butthey’reactuallydifferent.Fearisaresponsetonegativestimuli:adangeroussituationyouareabouttoface,ortheworryyouarenotgoingtopassanupcomingimportanttest.Thereissomethinginparticularyoufeelfearfulabout.Fearisuseful,sinceitmotivatesyoutoaction—ifyouseeanoncomingcarbearingdownonyou,fearimpelsyoutojumpoutoftheway.

Everydayanxietyisthatfree-floatingfeelingthatsomethingiswrong.Youcan’treallyputyourfingeronit,buttheworld,yourlife,oryourfeelingsjustdon’tseemright.What’swrongwithme?youthink.WhyiseveryoneelsehappyandIfeelsoblah?Youmayfeelasif“somethingbadisgoingtohappen”orthatthereissomethingyoushouldbeworryingaboutwithoutknowingexactlywhatitis.You’rewaitingfortheothershoetodropwhenthefirstonehasn’tevendroppedyet!Ifyousufferfromeverydayanxietyyoumayrarelyexperiencejoy.Lifejust

doesn’tseemfunbecausethereissomethingalwaysnaggingatthebackofyourmind.Evenwhenthingsarenotovertlybad,thereisalingeringsensethatthe

mind.Evenwhenthingsarenotovertlybad,thereisalingeringsensethattheworldjustisn’tright.Everydayanxietycanstealyourmentalhealth,youremotionalconfidence,andyourphysicalwell-being.Itcancausesleeplessness,lackofappetite,overeating,low-gradedepression,andavarietyofphysicalailmentssuchasupsetstomach,headaches,ornervoustics.

ACommonExperienceManypeoplesufferanxietyinsilence.Theyareembarrassedtoadmithowafraidtheyfeel,orhowmuchtheyworry.Theexperienceofanxietyismorecommonthanwemaythink.AccordingtotheNationalInstituteofMentalHealth(NIMH),approximately40millionAmericanadultsagedeighteenandolder,orabout18.1percentofpeopleinthisagegroup,inagivenyear,haveananxietydisorder.

DiagnosedAnxietyDisorders

Inadditiontoeverydayanxiety,thereareanumberofdiagnosedanxietydisorders.Thesedisordersareamoreseriousformofanxietythatoftenrequiremedicaltreatment.Thesixmostcommonlydiagnosedanxietydisordersare:

PanicDisorder.Characterizedbyasudden,unreasoningfeelingofterror,oftenaccompaniedbychestpains,tighteningorconstrictingofthethroat,palpitations,andprofusesweating.Althoughtheterrorisreal,asarethephysicalconsequences,theeventisnot.Obsessive-CompulsiveDisorder(OCD).PeoplewithOCDengageincompulsiverituals,fearfulsomethingterriblewillhappeniftheydonot.Theyobsessoversomethinganddevelopcompulsivebehaviorinaneffortto“cure”theobsession.

PosttraumaticStressDisorder(PTSD).Itismostcommonlyassociatedwithmilitarypersonnelreturningfromwarbutappliestoanyonewhohasanxietyresultingfromaterrifyingrealevent.SocialAnxietyDisorder.Thisdisorderafflictspeoplewhoareanxiousinthepresenceofalotofpeople.Thiscanincludeeverythingfromgoingtothesupermarketorthetrainstationtobeingatapartywithfriendsorinaworkenvironment.Phobias.Thesearefearsandanxiousfeelings,resultingfromparticularthingsorsituations.Evenareminderoftheobjectoffearcancauseanxiety:Someonewithafearofflying,forexample,maynotbeabletolookatapictureofanairplane.GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder.Thisisnonspecificanxietythatbecomessoexaggeratedandsopervasivethatexcessiveworry,tension,fear,anddreadarethenorm.Physicalsymptomscanincludeheadaches,backaches,nausea,irritablebowelsyndrome,andtemporomandibularjointdisorder(jawpainthatoftencomesaboutfromexcessivegrittingorgrindingofteeth).

StoppingtheAnxiousCycleAnxietyisnotaconditiontobe“cured,”butitcanberecognized,managed,anddealtwithmoreeffectively.Thefirststep,asinanybehavioralchange,isrecognizingthatanxietyvisitsyouandhowitappears.Onlythencanyoubegintoheaditoffandturnyourattentiontomorepositive,productiveideas.

SeeingAnxietyinAction

Inordertounderstandhowanxietyaffectsyouandfindapathtoovercomingit,it’simportanttoseeitinaction.Justasyouwouldn’tallowafriendwhoconstantlyupsetsyoutostaywithyouindefinitely,youmustfindawaytokeepanxietyatadistance.

anxietyatadistance.Theproblemisthatanxietyisstealthy.Wedon’tsaytoourselves,“How

anxiouscanIgettoday?I’mhopingtobreakmyall-timeanxiousrecordandhavethisbemymostdifficultdayyet!”Peoplewhodealwithanxietyfinditloominginthebackground(andsometimestheforefront)oftheirdailylife.Somepeopleacceptitasafactoflife.Theybelieveeveryoneworriesallthetime.Emotionally,you’llfindthatanxietyleadstodepressionoroutburstsofanger.

Itcanmakeyouunabletoconcentrateortodosimpletaskswell,oritcancloudyourviewsothatyoudon’tseethingsclearly.Physically,itwillgiveyousymptomsrangingfromstomachachesandheadachestoacidreflux.Bythesametoken,though,onceyoustarttoturnyourself-talkaroundand

pushanxietyaway,you’llfindthatthesesymptomsdisappear.You’llbementally,emotionally,andphysicallyhealthier,andthechangewillbeobvioustothosewithwhomyouinteract.Insofarasmanyrealillnessesarisebecauseofanxietyanditspartner,stress,dealingwithanxietywillmakeyoulesssubjecttomaladies.

LocatingtheSourceofYourAnxiety

Howcanyoustarttoturnthingsaround?Thefirststepistorecognizethatyou’reanxious.Thesecondstepistopinpointthesiteofthatanxiety.Foreachpersonit’sdifferent,buttherearesomegeneralplacesfromwhichanxietycanderive,andsomecommonthingscansetitintomotion.

Fearsoftendevelopasaresultofsomereal-lifeorimaginedexperience.Fearsuncheckedcanturnintophobias,whichcanbeverydebilitating.Whilefeararisesinreactiontosomething—forexample,youareafraidoffailinganimportanttestyouneedtopasstokeepyourjob—phobiascan

preventyoufromevenconfrontingthesourceofyourfear.Ifyouhaveaphobiaabouttakingtests,youprobablycan’tevenwalkintothetestroom.Thefirstpositivestephereistorecognizethesourceofyourfear.Stressisoftenanormalreactiontotheeverydayexperiencesoflife.Theworldthrowsoutdifficultthingstodealwithonaregularbasis.Stress,likefear,hasitsplace.Itcanbeacatalysttospuryouon.Itcangiveyoutheenergyandideasyouneedtocopeeffectivelywithlifecircumstances.Herepositiveself-talkplaysanessentialroleinturningbadstressintocreativestress.Youmustrecognizewhetherthestressyoufeelisempoweringorenfeeblingyou.Yourpastlifeexperiencescancontributetoanxiousstates.Youmighthavegrownupinanunsafeenvironmentorhaveexperiencedtraumaatayoungage.Thepastcanleadtodifficultyprimarilyifyouletitdominateyourpresent.Here,too,yourself-talkmustbeginbyunderstandingwhatpartofyourpastiscausinganxietyinthepresent.

NegativeSelf-Talk

Anxietycanbetheresultofactualevents(forexample,you’reanxiousbecauseyou’rebehindonyourbills),oritcanbebecauseoffaultythinking(youtellyourselfyou’reirresponsibleandwillinevitablygetbehindwithyourbills,evenifyouhaven’tuptothispoint).Negativeself-talkworksonbothtypesofanxiety,butit’smostperniciousinthesecondkind:Apersonhasexperiencedaneventoranticipatesaneventandtalksnegativelytoherselfabouttheevent.Theresult:theeventbecomesworse.Self-talk—thethingsyousaytoyourselfandthe“tapes”ofconversationsorthoughtsyouplayinyourhead—isoftenthedifferencebetweenwhetheranxietywilldiminishorwillcontinuetogrowindifficulty.Inthenextchapter,we’llconsiderself-talkinmoredetailanddiscoverhowit

cangofrombeinganenemytobecomingavaluedfriend.

CHAPTER2

Self-TalkandYou

Whenyouwalkedoutyourfrontdoorthismorning,youengagedinself-talk.Mentally,probablywithouteventhinkingaboutit,youaskedyourselfsomequestions:

“DoIhavemykeys?”“Whichcornerdoesthebusstopon,wasitthisoneorthatone?”“HowmuchmoneydoIneedforthebusandforlunchtoday?”

Alongwiththesequestions,youprobablyaskedsomethatareconcernedwithlonger-rangeissues,suchas,“DoIhaveenoughmoneyinmysavingsaccounttotakethattriptoFlorida?”Youprobablyalsoremindedyourselfofwhatyouneedtodotodayandmadesomerandomobservationsaboutyourlifeandthepeopleinit:

“IneedtogetthatinsuranceforminbyFriday.IwillputitsomewheresoIremembertosenditontime.”“Ican’tgointothatjobinterviewnow.IhaveabadcoldandIwon’tbeconfident.”“Myparentsaresuchjerks—everyoneelsecangooutlateonFridaynightexceptme.Ihatemylife.”

Theconstantvoicechattersawaytoyoualldaylong,givingyoutheplay-by-playonyourlife.

TheEnemy:NegativeSelf-Talk

TheEnemy:NegativeSelf-Talk

Therealproblemcomeswhenyourself-talkstealsopportunitiesfromyouorpushesyoutowardactionsthataren’tgoodforyou.Thisiswhenyoufindyourselfengaginginself-defeatingbehaviorsuchaslashingoutatsomeoneinanger,orjustupset,depressed,andlackingconfidence.Theself-talkwearsyoudownandtellsyouhowbadthingsare.Afterlisteningtoitoverandoveragain,youstarttobelieveit.Self-talkcanbecomesofamiliartoyouthatyoudon’tevennoticeitsexistence.Youmaynotthinkofitastalkingtoyourself,youmayjustthinkofitasnotingwhat’sgoingonaroundyou.Whilenegativeself-talkisaconstantvisitorformany,it’snotyourfriend.Itisn’thelpingyouinanyway.That’sthebadnews.Thegoodnewsisyoucanchangeyourself-talk.It’snot

setinstoneandimmutable.Self-talk—positiveself-talk—canbeavaluedallyinthefightagainstanxiety.Toturnnegativeintopositive,though,youhavetolistentowhatyousaytoyourselfwhenthingsaren’tgoingwell.Whatthoughtsdoyouhavewhenyouencounteradifficultsituation?Begintobringtheself-talkintothelightsoyoucanseeitandworkwithitmoreeffectively.Forexample,maybeyouarestrugglinginyourjob.Yournegativeself-talk

scriptrunssomethinglike,“Iwillneverbeabletopleasethisboss.NomatterhowhardIwork,hedoesn’tappreciateme.”Orperhapsitispersonalrelationshipswhereyouencounternegativity.“HowdidIeverdecidetomarrythisperson?”yousaytoyourself.“Ican’tstandher.Sheisn’tevenmytype.Ihatesittingdownatthedinnertableeverynightwithher.Whydidn’tImarrymyhighschoolsweetheartinstead?Wewouldbesohappynow.”Thisisthewaythatnegativeself-talktakesover.Butimaginewhatitwould

belikeifyouturnedthisaround.Ifyousaidtoyourself,“Wow!I’msoluckyI’mmarriedtoawonderfulspouse!Ivalueourtimetogether.It’struethatwehavesomedifferences,butwecanworkonthem,andcomparedtothebenefitsIgetfromthismarriageemotionallyandineveryotherway,that’sasmallpricetopay.”You’dfeelasurgeofgoodfeelingeverytimeyousawyourspouse.Itwouldbeenjoyabletospendtimeinherorhiscompany.That’swhatcanhappen

wouldbeenjoyabletospendtimeinherorhiscompany.That’swhatcanhappenwhenpositiveself-talktakesover.

NothingNewReadingsomeofthesenegativelines,youmightbewonderinghowIknowwhat’sgoingoninyourlifeandinyourmind.ThetruthisthatI’mnotclairvoyant—negativeself-talkisn’tthatcreative!Differentpeopleinsimilarsituationsoftentalktothemselvesinthesameway.

Negativeself-talkcanevenoccurwhenthingsaregoingrightforyou.Itplayswithinsidiousskillonyourfearoffailure:“It’stoogoodrightnow.I’mdueforsomethingbadtohappen.”

HowImportantIsYourSelf-Talk?

Whatyousaytoyourself,thewordsyouplayinyourhead,isoftenthedifferencebetweenahealthyandanunhealthylife.Thinkofnegativeself-talkassomethingthathelpsanxietyfueltheemotionalflames,whilepositiveself-talkisabucketofwateryoucanthrowonittodousethefire.Thekeyliesinidentifyingyourhabitsinrelationshiptoyourself-talk,recognizingwhatyourself-talksaystoyouandwhy,andunderstandingitsimpact.Whenyourecognizethesecomponents,youwillgetaclearerunderstandingofhowself-talkcanhelpyou.Becauseyouhaveprobablylivedwithitforsolong,andinsomanydifferent

venues,youmaynotrealizewhenitsneaksupandbeginstalkingtoyou.Inmostcases,itisonlyafteryounoticethatyoufeelbadly,areangry,oraredepressedthatyouevennoticethevoicesaretellingyounegativethings.

WhoIsThatTalkingtoYou?Thevoicestellingyouwhat’sreal,howtothink,andwhattodonextcomefrommanyplaces.Youmightrecognizewordsyoulearnedfromyourmother,father,

manyplaces.Youmightrecognizewordsyoulearnedfromyourmother,father,oranoldersibling.Youmighthearthevoiceofareporteronthenews,ateacherfromyourpast,oradifficultboss.Manytimesthevoicesareanamalgamofpeopleyouhaveheardfromthroughoutyourlife.

CASESTUDY

Let’slookatanexampleofnegativeself-talkthatcomesfromthepastbuthasapowerfulimpactonthepresent.Andrewisasuccessfulentrepreneur,managingasmallconsulting

businessthatemploystenpeopleandisrapidlygrowing.Heworkshardandtriestomaketimeforhisfamily,butsomehowworkalwaysseemstocomefirst.Evenontheweekendsandonfamilyvacations,he’sneverfarawayfromhiscellphoneandhislaptop.Thishasalreadyputastrainonhisfamilylife,butmatterscametoaheadrecentlywhenhemissedhisdaughter’sdancerecitalbecausehefelthehadtoworklateattheoffice.Hecamehometoanangryspouseandachildintears.Andrewknowshe’sgotaproblemwithworkingtoomuch.He’seven

triedtodosomethingaboutit,delegatingmoreworktohisemployeesandeven,atonepoint,consultingatherapist.Butnowit’sgettingveryseriousandthreateninghisfamily.WhatAndrewmaynotknowisthathisdifficultyisrootedinself-talk,

whichinturnhasitsoriginsinhischildhood.Hisfather,whostruggledtomakeendsmeetwhenAndrewwasgrowingup,wasasterntaskmaster.HeberatedAndrewfrequentlyforbeing“lazy,”“aslacker,”andfor“lyingaboutandexpectingtheworldtogiveyoualiving.”TheresultisthatalwaysinAndrew’smindthere’sthevoiceofhis

father,hectoringhim,pushinghimtoworkmore,andtellinghimthatif

father,hectoringhim,pushinghimtoworkmore,andtellinghimthatifhedoesn’t,he’llbeafailure.Successonlycomesfromhardwork.Nobodyowesyouanything.You’vegottostruggleforeverythingyouget,andnothingcomesbeforethat.Ofcourse,there’ssometruthbehindthesesentiments,butthisself-

talkhaspushedAndrew’slifeseriouslyoutofbalance.Evenwhenhe’sdrivinghomefromworkintheevening,hisnegativeself-talkiswhisperingtohimthatheshouldn’thavelefttheofficewithtasksyetundone.Theresultisthatalthoughheknowsintellectuallythatheshouldmakemoretimeforhisfamily,emotionallyhe’sstilltiedtohisfather’svoice.FortunatelyforAndrew,histherapistknowsthepowerofself-talk,

bothnegativeandpositive.SheleadsAndrewthroughadiscussionofhischildhood,allowinghimtoexpresshisfeelingsabouthisfatherandcometotermswiththem.Sheexplainstohimtheimportanceoffindingpositiveself-talkalongtheselines:“Iamnotmyfather.I’mme.I’msuccessfulandIhavegoodemployeeswhowilldotheirjobsandhelpensurethesuccessofmybusiness.ThewholepointofmakingmoneyandachievingfinancialsecurityistoallowmetospendtimewiththepeopleIlove.SowhenIgohomeatnight,I’mnotrunningawayfromwork;I’mgoingbacktomyfamily—themostimportantpartofmylife.”Byrepeatingthesewordstohimself,Andrewisable,gradually,to

quiethisfather’svoiceandfindabetter,healthierwork-lifebalance.

WhatDoYouSayWhen...

Inthischapteryouwillidentifytheprimaryareasofyournegativeself-talk.Youmayfindthattheychangeovertime—yourjobmaybegoingwellrightnowbut

personalrelationshipsaremoreofanissueforyou.Oryou’vejustbeenfiredfromyourjob,butyourfamilyissupportive.IfIaskedyouifyouliketalkingtoyourselfaboutthingsthatmakeyoufeel

badly,mostlikelyyouwouldanswer,“No.”That’sunderstandable:Mostpeopledon’tenjoybeingscoldedortalkeddownto,andfewpeoplethriveinenvironmentswheretheyareconsistentlyremindedofhowterriblethingsare!Youprobablydon’twanttoexperiencethenegativitythatconsumesyourmind,but—andthisisaveryimportantpoint—youmaynotrealizeit’sthere.Itmaybesofamiliarthatitfeelsnecessaryandwelcome.Wementionedearlierthatself-talkisstealthy.Oneminuteyou’refeeling

optimisticandexcitedaboutyourday,andthenextyou’refilledwithdreadandanxietyaboutwhatyouaregoingtoface.Oroneminuteyoumaybeabitdepressed,andthenextminuteyoufindyourselfyellingatyourchildorscreamingobscenitiesatthedriverwhoedgedinfrontofyouintraffic.Thetransitionissosneakythatyoudon’trealizeyou’veletnegativeself-talktakeover.That’swheretheassessmentsinthischaptercomein.

AssessingYourNegativeSelf-Talk

Rightnowyoumightbesaying,“I’manxious,butIdon’ttalktomyselfaboutit.That’swhatcrazypeopledo.”Mostpeopledon’twalkaroundthinkingaboutthevoicesintheirhead.Andyet,weknowtheyarethere.Thefirstimportantstepontheroadwe’lltaketogetherisuncoveringthesourceofyournegativeself-talk.Youwanttoseewhereitcomesfromandlearnwhatthosevoicessaytoyou.Thisexercisewillhelpyoulocatesomesourcesofyournegativeself-talkandseehowtheyvisityou.Completethissectionwhenyouhavesometimetositquietlyandanswerthe

questions.Youwillneedtimetothink,andthenyouwillneedtobeawareofwhatyouaredoingeachday,inordertocaptureenoughinformationtowork

whatyouaredoingeachday,inordertocaptureenoughinformationtoworkwithasyoucompletethisbook.Reviewthefollowinglistoftwentylifeexperiences.Inyourjournal,ratehow

anxiouseachofthefollowingmakesyou,ingeneral.Useascaleof1–10.1represents“Notatallanxiousaboutthis”;10represents“Extremelyanxiousandagitatedaboutthis.”

1. Everydayevents,suchasgettingstuckintrafficorburningthetoast2. Myworksituation3. Myboss4. Myfamilyoforigin(mom,dad,siblings,stepfamily)5. Myspouseorsignificantother6. Mychildorchildren7. Myhomelife8. Mycurrentlevelofmentalhealth9. Mycurrentlevelofphysicalhealth10. Thinkingaboutmyhealthinthefuture11. Myfinancialsituation12. Mylivingsituation13. Caringforothersinmylife14. ThelistofthingsIhavetodo15. CommitmentsIhavemade,orsomeonewillexpectmetomake16. Externaleventssuchastheeconomy17. Externaleventssuchasenvironmentalorsocialconditions18. Whatmighthappentomorrow19. Thinkingaboutmypersonalfuture20. Whathappenedalready—today,yesterday,orinthepast21. Regretsaboutmypast,orthingsIhavedone22. GuiltoverhowIlivemylifenow

23. Myfeelingsof“self”andself-worth

Nowreviewthelist.Circlethosethingsforwhichyouchosea6orgreaterto

describeyouranxiousreaction.Inyourjournal,copytheworksheetexamplebelowandidentifythefirstthing

thatcomestomindwhenyoureadtheline.Forexample,ifyouchosean8on“CommitmentsIhavemade,orsomeonewillexpectmetomake,”youmightwrite,“Toomanypeoplewantsomethingfromme.IhavenotimetodoeverythingI’mexpectedtodo.”Or,ifyouchose“Myfamilyoforigin”asa9or10onthescale,youmightwrite,“Anyonewhogrewupwithtwoalcoholicparentswouldchecka9or10onthisscale.Isn’titobvioushowanxiety-inducingthathasbeenforme?”Yourmindtellsyousomethingrelatedtothesubjectthatyoucircled.When

youcircledanumberhigherthan5,youthought,“Yes,thisisanxiety-inducingforme.”Whatyouwriteaboutwhatyouthink,feel,orsaytoyourselfaboutthissubjectisimportant.Nowgobackandrereadwhatyouhavewritten.Thesesubjects,andwhatyou

saytoyourselfaboutthem,willgiveyousomecluesabouthownegativeself-talkcreepsintoyourthoughtpatterns.

CardAssessment

Asanadditionalexercise,writethesubjectsfromthelistoftwentyitemsintheexerciseaboveonseparate3"×5"indexcardsorasmallsheetofpaperyoucankeepnearbyasyougothroughyourday.Youmighthaveanindexcardthatsays“Myfamilyoforigin”atthetopofit.Asyouencountersituationsorthoughtsaboutthesubject,writedownthenegativeself-talkyoufindyourselfusing.Beasspecificasyoucan.Ifyoudothisonaregularbasis,sayfortwoorthreeweeks,youshouldhaveafilledindexcardthathasanumberofnegativestatementsyoumaketoyourselfaboutthesubject.Ifyoufillonecardorsheetof

statementsyoumaketoyourselfaboutthesubject.Ifyoufillonecardorsheetofpaper,takeanotherone.Keepaddingtoituntilyoucangetaclearerandclearerviewofexactlywhatyousayinreactiontothesubjectorsituation.Rememberthatawarenessisanimportantfirststep.Beforeyoucanimplementnewideastousepositiveself-talk,youmustbeawareofthesneakynegativeself-talkthatcomesinandstealsfromyou.Keepthesecardsnearbyasyoucontinuewithexercisesinthebook.Knowing

exactlyhowyoureactandthenegativeself-talkyouuseallowsyoutobecomebetteratrecognizingitanddealingwithitmorepositivelyandeffectively.

AnxietyandItsImpact

Nowthatwehavesomeideaofyourmajorsourcesofanxiety,it’stimetolookathowyoureacttothemandattheresultingnegativeself-talk’simpactonyou.Learninghownegativeself-talkimpactsyouislikehavinganearlywarningsystem.Ifyouknowatornadoiscoming,youwillseekcoverorgosomewheresafe.Similarly,youwanttoturnonyourpositiveself-talktoprotectyouandkeepyouconfident.Thisnextsectionwillrequireyoutotaketimetoobserveyourreactionsand

actionswithregardtostressfulsituations.It’simportantforyoutorecognizehoweventsunfoldforyou.Youcanalwayslearnfromtalkingtoothersabouttheiranxieties,butinordertomakechangehappen,youmustknowyourownimpacts.

GetSpecificIt’spossiblethatyouaren’tcurrentlyexperiencinganxietyandfeelthingsare“okay.”WhileIrecommendyoucontinuereading,youshouldkeepthebookhandyandpickitupwhenyouareanxiousaboutsomethingsoyoucanrecordthedata.You’lllearnlotsofthingsfromthisbook,butthemostusefuloneswillbethemostspecifictoyou.Mostpeopledon’ttakechargeoftheirlivesbecause

theyaren’texactlysurewhattodo.Bythetimeanxietyhastakenover,theirmindisfraughtwithworryandnegativeself-talk—arunawaytrainthatnoonecanstop.Youwanttopulltheleverstostopthattrainlongbeforeitgetstoafinalcrash.

Thinkabouthowanxietyimpactsyou.Forexample,ifyousayyougetheadacheswhenyou’restressed,dotheymakeithardforyoutofunctionthroughyourday?Istheeffectcumulative?Youmissworkbecausetheheadachesarebadbutthenthelostsickdaycreatesmorestressandmoreheadaches.Inthisassessmentyou’regoingtoidentifyhowthenegativeself-talk,or

anxiousreactiontoconditionsinyourlife,manifests.Learningaboutimpacthelpstoidentifywhatarecommonlycalledtriggers,whichwe’lldiscusslaterinthischapter.Anxietyhasadirectimpactonyou.Itcanbeemotional(worry,faulty

thinking,lackofconfidence,lackofenjoymentoflife)orphysical(stomachache,sweatypalms,orstressedmusclesandheadaches).Whateverthesymptoms,thereissomeimpact.It’simportanttounderstandhowanxietyimpactsyousothatyoucanuseyourmindandbodytoalertyoutoitsonset.Onceyoulearntodecodeanxiety’seffectonyou,youcanoftengobackandlocateitssource.Onceyoulocatethesource,youcanchangeyourself-talk.Reviewthelistofthosethingsthatyouconsidertobemostanxiety-inducing

foryou.Howdoyoureactinthesesituations?Dotheymakeyoufeeldepressed?Doyouyellatsomeone?Doyougrityourteethandfume?Doyoufeelunabletogetoutofbedinthemorningwhenyouhavetodealwiththesituation?Doyougetanupsetstomach?Inyourjournal,copytheworksheetbelowandlistthesituationsthatinduce

themostanxietyforyou.“Myfamilyoforigin”mightbeone.Nexttoit,identifyanyimpactyouareawareofthatanxietyaboutthissubjecthasonyou.Youmightsaytoyourself,“Theyjustmakemecrazy!”Butwhatdoyoudoasa

mightsaytoyourself,“Theyjustmakemecrazy!”Butwhatdoyoudoasaresult?Doyoubangafistagainstthewall?Yell?Doyourepressyouremotionsandasaresultfeelsicktoyourstomach?Doyougetclammyhandsoranervoustic?

StartwiththeImpact

Areyounotexactlysurehowtheimpactrelatestothesituation?Ifthisisthecase,goattheexerciseabitdifferently.Startbyidentifyingyournegativeresponsesandthentrytoconnectthembacktoanxioussituations.First,identifyanegativefeelingyouhave—mental,physical,oremotional

andrecorditinyourjournal.Next,identifywhenyouexperiencethisnegativefeeling.Isitallofthetime?

Isitinreactiontosomething?Isitinthemorningasyouthinkaboutyourday?Isitwhenyourmothercalls?Identifyanyassociationsyoucanmakewithitandlistthoseinyourjournalaswell.Repeatthisexercisewithasmanyphysical,emotional,andmentalsymptoms

asyoucanidentify.

BacktotheCards

Ifyouarehavingahardtimeconnectinganythingclearlyenoughtowriteitnow,that’sokay.Takethe3"×5"cardsyouusedinthepreviousexerciseandmakenotesoftheimpactyouexperienceinthesituation.Don’tjustwritethenegativeself-talk;includeanyandallsensationsorexperiencesrelatedtotheanxioussituation.So,forexample,ifyoufindyourselfgettinguptightintraffic(aneverydayeventyoumighthavenotedasanxietyarousing),writethenegativeself-talkbutalsocapturehowyouphysicallyormentallyreact.Doyougripthesteeringwheeltightly?Doyoufeelapoundingbehindyourtemples?Doesyourstomachchurnandburn?Don’twritewhileyouaredriving,ofcourse,butmakeamentalnoteandcapturethesesymptomswhenyoucan.

WhatSituationsStressYou?

Anotherwaytoidentifyimpactistoexaminesituationsthatbotheryouorwhereyouhavehadanegativereactioninthepast.Reviewthisnextlistandseeifanyofthesecommonsituationsresonatewithyou.Writesomeideasdowninyourjournal.Themoredatayoucangather,themoreyouwillseethemesorcommonideasthatareanxiety-inducingforyou.

1. Mybiggestareaofdisappointmentinlifeis2. Thethingthatfrustratesmethemostis3. Ireallyhateitwhen4. Igetsostressedoutwhen5. Thingsthat“bugme”include6. Igetirritatedby7. IwouldbehappyinlifeifonlyIdidn’t8. Peoplereallyannoymewhenthey9. It’snotfairthatI10. Reviewthislistandcheckitagainstthelistinwhichyouratedthingsthat

werethemostanxietyarousingforyou.Aretherethemes?Arethereareasyouspecificallywanttotargetnow?Writeanythoughtsyouhavenowinyourjournal.

ObjectivityIsImportant!Whenyoustarttounderstandyourresponsesandreactions,don’ttakeitasanopportunitytobeatuponyourselforengageinnegativeself-talk.Instead,approachthisasascientist.Whenyouarefirsttryingtolearnandassess,you’renotmakingjudgments;youaresimplygatheringdata.Youwillunderstandhowtousethisinformationlater.Fornow,seekthefacts.Understandthesituationsandtheimpact.Bewillingtolearn.

TheLittleEngineofSelf-Talk

TheLittleEngineofSelf-Talk

Asmadeclearearlier,whilenegativeself-talkishighlydestructive,positiveself-talkisthesolutiontoyouranxiety.Itspursyouon.Itremindsyouofthestrengthsyouhave,anditcanbuildyourconfidencetodowhatyouneedtodo.ThinkofthefamousstoryabouttheLittleEngineThatCould.“IthinkIcan,I

thinkIcan,IthinkIcan,”theenginepuffstoitself.Itself-talksitswaytothetopofamountain,haulingalongtrainfullofcircusanimals.Self-talkisagoodfriend,remindingyouofyourstrengthsandyourpastsuccesses.Whenyouuseself-talkinapositiveway,itgivesyouamuch-neededboost.Changingfromnegativetopositiveself-talkdoesn’talteranyfactsaboutyour

situation.Whatitchangesisyourattitude,givingyoumorepowertodealwiththings.Havingapositivementalattitudeandbelievinginyourselfandyourabilitytoovercomeobstacleswilloftenmakethedifferenceinwhetheryoucanachieveyourgoalornot.Manystudiesshowthatwhenyou’reill,apositivemindsetcanleadtoaremissionofthedisease.Ataminimum,engaginginpositiveself-talkwillhelpyouframethesituationinyourlifeabitmorepositively.Theeventsyou’reconfrontingarejustthat—objectivesituations.It’stheinterpretation,orthelensthroughwhichthoseeventsarefiltered,that’scausingyoudistress.

TalkingaDifferentTalk

Thekeytochangingyourself-talkfromnegativetopositiveisrecognizingwhereyourself-talkstartsandwhatitsaystoyou.Fromthereyoucanunderstandtheimpactofyourself-talk.Withoutthis,youcan’tmakechoicesabouthowtohandleit.Inthischapter,you’vetakenalargesteptowarddoingthisbycompletingtheassessmentsandevaluatingwhatsortofsituationstriggeryourself-talk.Inthenextchapter,youwilllocatethesourcesofyourself-talkandcomplete

Inthenextchapter,youwilllocatethesourcesofyourself-talkandcompleteanassessmenttofurtherclarifyyourtriggersandreactions.Butfirstlet’slookathowself-talkbecomesyour“truth.”

AnEverydayEvent:HowSelf-TalkUnfolds

Mostpeopledon’tenjoybeingscoldedortalkeddownto,andfewpeoplethriveinenvironmentswheretheyareconsistentlyremindedofhowterriblethingsare.Youprobablydon’twanttoexperiencenegativity.Theproblemisthatunbeknownsttoyouandunplanned,yourmindstartstoniggleatsomethingandyoubecomeagitatedandupset.Possiblysomeonesayssomethingirritating,triggeringareaction.Thetransitionissosneakythatyoudon’trealizeyouhavemovedfrompositiveself-talktonegativeself-talk.Let’slookatashortexampleofthis.

IsaNoteJustaNote?

ImagineitisaWednesdayandyou’regettingreadytogotowork.Youfeelenergized;youhavehadagoodnight’ssleep;andyouhavetimetostopforanicecupofcoffee.Asyouareputtingyourcoatonthehookandbootingyourcomputer,younoticethatyourbosshasleftanoteonyourdesksayingshewantstotalkwithyouassoonasyouhaveachance.Let’slookatthisobjectively:Itisanoteonyourdesk,writtenbyyourboss,

askingforachancetotalk.Thereisnothinggood,orbad,aboutthesituation.It’ssimplyanoteonthedesk.However,yourself-talkkicksinandinterpretsthesituation.Anoteisno

longerjustanote.Ifyouhavehadanegativeencounterwithyourbossoryougenerallybelievethattheworkplaceisnotfriendly,thenoteisa“warning”fromyourbossora“summons”toheroffice.Youranxietylevelstartstorise.Viewingthenotethroughthelensofyourpastexperiences,youmightsayto

Viewingthenotethroughthelensofyourpastexperiences,youmightsaytoyourself,“Ohno—Ihatewhensheleavesnoteslikethis.It’salwaysanomenthatthereissomenewprojectshewantsmetotakeonthatIdon’twanttodo.Ihaven’tevenfinishedtheprojectIamworkingonnow—whataslavedriversheis.”Ofcourse,atthisstageyouhavenotevenrespondedtotheboss’snote,and

yetyouhavehadawholeexperiencewithit.Thinkaboutthat.Nothinghashappened!Youwalkedinandsawthenote.Butinternallyyou’vetoldyourselfawholestoryaboutthemeaningofthenote.Thepracticalupshotisthatwhenyouwalkintotheboss’soffice,you’llprobablyhavesomeattitude.Afterall,you“know”whatthebosswillsaytoyou,soyouactonitbeforeyouevenhavetheconversation.Ofcoursetheoppositecouldhappen,too.Ifyourexperienceswithyourboss

havegenerallybeenpositive,you’llseethenoteandthink:“Sheissuchasweetheart.Iknowshewantstorecognizemeformycurrentproject.Ihavebeenworkingsohardonthisandamfeelingsogoodaboutcrossingthefinishlineandgettingitdone.Sheprobablywantstogivemeherkudosandcongratulatemeonajobwelldone.SheisthebestbossIhaveeverhad.Iamgoingtogetovertoherofficerightawayandseewhat’sgoingon.”Yourpositiveself-talkmightputyouinaconfidentmood.Youareeagerto

speaktoherandwalkintoherofficereadyforheraccolades.Yourattitudetellsyou,“ThiswasjustasignofhowrightIwasthatthiswasgoingtobeagoodday.IknewIfeltgoodwhenIwokeupthismorning!”

TheViewerasInterpreter

Now,stopforaminuteandconsiderbothofthesesituations.Theobjectivesituationisstillthere—youwalkedintotheofficeandtookyourcoatoff.Thenyoureadanote.Howdidthisbecomeaplaywithcharactersandactionandexpectations?Whathappened,ofcourse,isthatyoustartedtalkingtoyourselfaboutthenote.Youmadeupastoryaboutitandextendedthisstorytoinclude

yourworkenvironment.Whetherthestorywasgoodorbadprobablydependedheavilyonpastexperienceswithyourbossoryourattitudetowardbossesingeneral.Thisscenariocanhelpyouunderstandhowtwopeoplecanexperiencethe

sameeventandhavedifferingself-talkaboutit.Imagineacolleaguehappenstowalkintoyourcubicleorofficerightafteryoupickedupthenote.Yourself-talkhasalreadykickedin,forbetterorworse.Astorylineisunfoldinginyourmindaboutwhatwillhappenonceyougoseetheboss.Butnow,withanotherinterpreteronthescene,thingscanchange.Perhaps

yourcolleaguenoticesthenoteandhasaverydifferentreaction.Thoughyouthinkthebossisanogre,yourcoworkerfindshertobeawonderful,supportivehumanbeing.Youarestewingaboutthenoteandwhatyouwillencounteronceyouwalkthroughtheboss’sdoorway.Yourcolleagueistellingyou,“Whatdoyoumeanit’sabadomen?Ilovewhensheleavesmenoteslikethisone;itusuallymeansshewantstothankmeformyefforts!”Twopeopleseesomethingasinnocuousasanoteandhavedramatically

differentreactions.Ithappensallthetime.Weeachinterpretasituationwithourrelevantself-talk,whichisuniquetous.Ifinterpretationwerenotattherootofhowwetranslateandunderstandasituation,thenwewouldallseethingsthesameway.Thefactswouldbethefacts.

Self-TalkTellsYouWhat’sReal—ButIsIt?Self-talkiswhatyoutellyourselftointerprettheconditionsyouexperience.Butsometimesitcanseemasifself-talkitselfistheexperience.Peopletakefacts,data,andinformationandinterpretthem.Theproblemisthatnegativeself-talkemphasizesthingsthatcandeepenyouranxiety.Positiveself-talk,ontheotherhand,helpsgroundyouinreality.Learningtobemoreobjectiveisimportanttomanagingself-talk.

CHAPTER3

FindingYourTriggers

Haveyoueverbeenconvincedofsomethingwithoutevidence?You“justknew”thatyourfriendwantedsomethingfromyou.You“justknew”thatthebosshaditinforyou.You“justknew”thecheckoutpersonatthegrocerystoredislikedyourface.Then,whenyouhadthechancetolearnmoreaboutthesituation,youlearnedyoucouldnothavebeenmorewrong.Allhumanbeingssometimes“feelthingsinourbones.”Whatisthereasonwefeelthatway?

WhatPullsYourTrigger?

Whatyou’reseeingatworkarewhattherapistscall“triggers.”Triggersarethosethingsthatsetyouoff.Theyarethecatalystthatkicksyournegativeself-talkintogear.Inordertodisarmthem,youmustfirstlearnwhattheyare.Thinkofyourtriggerasamatch.Forthematchtolight,youmustscratchiton

asurfaceorholdittoaflame.Ifyouholdthematchupanddonothingelse,nothingwillhappen.Inthesameway,yournegativeself-talkistriggeredwhenyou’rescratchedagainstsomething.Somehowyourmindcomesincontactwithaneventorconditionthatcausesitdistress.Thistriggerssomethinginsideofyou—likethematchstrikingtherightsurface—thatignitesyournegativeself-talk.Butjustasyoucanblowoutthematch,soyoucanextinguishyournegativeself-talkonceyourealizeit’sthere.Triggerscanbeanythingfromwordspeopleusethat“irritate”youto

someone’stoneofvoicetosomethingyouseethatyoudon’tlike.Theysetthenegativeself-talkcycleinmotion.

ThirteenTriggers

Let’slookatashortlistofthirteenlifecircumstancesthatcanbetremendouslyanxiety-inducinginmostpeople.Ifthesecircumstancesareamongyourtriggers(andthere’sagoodchancethatatleastoneofthemis),theresultingnegativeself-talklimitsyourabilitytothinkclearly,tobecreative,andtoproblemsolve.Youmaybecomestumpedabouthowtogetthroughthesituationordealwithitmoreeffectively.Reviewthislistandseewhetheryouconnecttoanythingherein.Asyoureadeachone,stopforamomentandthinkaboutit.Doesthissituationresonatewithyou?Doyouhaveanegative,anxiety-basedreactiontoit?Ifso,trackyourreactionsinyourjournalwhenyouexperiencesituationsthattriggeryou.Capturetheself-talkyoucurrentlyuseasyoureacttoit.Remember,awarenessisthefirststep—onceyouareaware,youcanmakechoicestoresponddifferentlynexttime.

1. Jobstressduetopeople—anunhappyboss,forexample,orcoworkerswhodon’trespondtoyouinatimelyfashion

2. Jobstressduetotheworkitself—suchastheproblemoftoomuchtodoandnotenoughtimetodoit

3. Problemswithpeople—aspousewithanaddiction,forinstance,oracombativefamilymember

4. Poorcommunicationwiththoseyoucareabout5. Unmetgoalsordreamsinyourlife6. Disruptions—financialwoes,sickness,lossofaspouse,havingtomoveto

anewlocation7. Physicalpainrelatedtoongoingmedicalconditionsorageneralfeelingof

malaise8. Discoverythataspouseorsignificantotherhasbeenunfaithfulorhaslied

toyou9. Brokenrelationshipswithparentsorchildren

10. Worriesaboutthefuture—collegefunding,forexample,orretirementorbeingalone

11. Generalfearssuchaspublicspeaking,flying,orsocialanxiety12. Dislikeofgovernment,whetherofficialsorpolicies13. Worriesabouttheworldingeneral

CASESTUDY

Let’sseehowthisbusinessoftriggersworksinpractice.Alicehasjuststartedworkatanewjobinabank.Shelefther

previousjobasadministrativeassistantbecauseherbosswasverballyabusive.Everyminorerrorshemadewasusedasanexcusetojerkherontothemanagerialcarpetforareprimand.Thebossmadecold,cuttingremarkstoheraboutherabilityandseemedtoenjoymakingherfeelsmall.Alicecamehomeeverynightandcollapsedonthesofaintears.Oftenhersleepwasinterruptedasshetossedandturnedworryingaboutthenextday.Alicewasrelievedtoleavethetoxicenvironmentandwaspleased

whenshewasofferedajobatthebank.Inaddition,itmadeforaneasiercommutethanherpreviousposition,andshewastoldthatitwaspossibletomoveuptootherpositionswithinthebank.Bestofall,herbossseemedkindandconsiderate.Thefourthdayonthejob,Alicegotashorte-mailfromherboss,

pointingoutasmallerrorinoneofhermemosandaskinghertoredoit.Beforeshecouldeventhinkabouttherequestfromherboss,shesatatherdesk,trembling,andthenhadtogointotherestroomfortenminutestocalmdown.Shefoundthatherhandswereshakingsobadlythatshehadtroubleadjustinghermakeup.

hadtroubleadjustinghermakeup.Whathappened?Afterall,itwasaveryminormatter—thesortof

thingthathappensmillionsoftimestomillionsofpeople.YettoAlice,initially,itwasanepicdisaster.Theansweristhatherboss’snotehitoneofAlice’striggers.Because

ofherexperiencewithherpreviousemployer,shewashighlysensitivetohavingherworkcriticized.Hernegativeself-talkkickedinimmediately:“See?Youcan’tdoanythingright.You’reincompetentatyourjob—youcan’tevenwriteasimplememowithoutmessingup.You’llprobablybeoutthedoorinaweek.Thebosswillseeyoucan’thackit.”Fortunately,Alicehadtakenthetimeandtroubletothinkaboutthe

wayinwhichherpreviousjobhadaffectedher.Sherecognizedthatthenotehadsetoffoneofhertriggersandthatheremotionalresponsetoitwasbothirrationalandpotentiallyself-destructive.So,withaneffort,sheturnedherself-talkaround.“Icanfixthisproblem.Afterall,I’mgoodatmyjob.Thisjustmeans

Ihavetobeextra-carefulwiththeworkIsubmittomyboss.ButI’mconfidentIcandothatandwinhertrust.Iamhappysheisaclearcommunicatorandtellsmewhatsheneedsandhowsheneedsitdone.Thiswillhelpmetobemoresuccessful.”Alicefolloweduponherpositiveself-talk,makingsuresheproofread

allhermemostwiceandtookhertimetoensuretheywerecarefullyprepared.Herbossnoticedandcomplimentedheronherattentiontodetail.Andwithinsixmonths,Alicemoveduptoahigherpositionwithinthecompany.

WordAssociationsandAssessment

Tofurtherunderstandthesourceofyourtriggersthatignitethenegativeself-

Tofurtherunderstandthesourceofyourtriggersthatignitethenegativeself-talk,let’splaysomewordassociation.Belowisalistofphrases.Readeachphraseandthinkaboutit.Inyourjournal,orusingthenotesfeatureonyoure-reader,writeawordthatcomestomindwhenyouhearthisphrase.Yourwordshoulddescribeanemotionoraresponsesetoffbytheword.So,forexample,nexttothephrase“Thecolorblue”youmightplacetheword“peaceful.”Ontheotherhand,ifyouhateblue,youmightwrite“unpleasant”or“ugly.”Don’toverthinkthisprocess.Therearenorightorwronganswers.This

exerciseissimplytoallowyourmindtoassociateideaswitheachoftheseareasandletthemcometothesurfacesoyoucanworkwiththemmoreeffectively.Besuretokeepyourresponsetoonlyoneortwowords.Thinkintermsofrapidresponseanswers.Thisisn’tawritingproject;it’sawaytogetyourgut,initialreactiononpapertodifferentscenariosinyourlife.Ready?Begin!

Job-RelatedWords

MybossMyjobMyemployerGoingonaninterviewPublicspeakingMyworkplaceCommunicationatmyworkplaceJobsatisfactionorfulfillment

PersonalRelationships

MyparentsMysiblingsMychildrenMyspouseorsignificantotherMygrandchildren

MyextendedfamilyMyfriendsMysociallife

LifeCircumstancesandLifeChange

MycurrentstateinlifeAchievingmygoalsMylevelofhappinessMyhealthThehealthofmyfamily

Stressors,Worries,andFears

MyabilitytomanagestressTimemanagementTakingcareofmyselfMyrelationshipwithfood

Nowtakeamomenttolookatwhatyouhavewrittenonthelinesnexttothesewordsandcommonscenarios.Takearedpenandcircle(orhighlight)thosewordsyouwrotethatarenegativeorgiveyouanegativefeeingorthought.Soifyouwrote“Goodguy”or“Fair”foryourboss,don’tcircleorhighlightanything.However,ifyouwrote“Suffocating”or“Difficult,”putaredcircleorhighlightaroundtheentirelinefrom“Myboss”to“Difficult”or“Suffocating.”Gobackthroughthelistandtakethetimetoidentifythosewordsthatareanxiety-inducing,negative,ormightcreateafeelingoffearorworryinyou.

CapturingYourNegativityThemes

Asyoulookoverthelistofcirclednegativewords,doyoufindanythemes?Ofcourse,it’spossibleyouhavenegativewordswrittennexttoeverything.People

course,it’spossibleyouhavenegativewordswrittennexttoeverything.Peoplewhoarediagnosedwithanxiety,orwholivewithageneralsensethatsomethingiswrongallofthetime,willfindtheirreactionstomostlifeconditionsbeinganegativeresponse.Butmostlyyou’llfindtherearethemesonthelist.Perhapsallofyournegativecommentsconcernedtherelationshipsinyourlife.Possiblytheywereabouthealth.Seeifyoucangrouptheresponsesintothemes.Useyourjournalornotesfeaturetorecordthesethemes.Keepthesethemesinmindasyoucontinuetheassessmentprocess.Ifyou

haveidentifiedspecificareas,focusyourattentiononthefollowingchaptersthatmostcloselyfityourconcerns.Ifyouhaveageneralfeelingof“Lifestinksandmakesmeanxiousallthetime,”youwillfindthatgoingthrougheachchapterandlearningtechniquesforincorporatingpositiveself-talkisimportant.

AssessingTriggerResponses

Whenthetriggerhappens,aresponsefollowsit.It’simportanttorecognizehowyourtriggersaffectyou.Sometimesithelpstomentallygototheeventorcircumstancethattriggeredyou—startingfromthepointyoufeltthesymptomsofanxiety.

TheUnseenCycle

Youexperiencesomethinginlife—largeorsmall.Ratherthanseeitaswhatitis—anobjectiveexperience—youprocessitwithnegativeself-talk.Yourself-talkgivesmeaningand“color”tothesituation.Youfocusonthenegativeaspects,dwellinguponthemandimaginingallkindsofdifficultresultingscenarios.Youfollowtheprocessalonguntilyouaretooscared,befuddled,andanxiety-riddentothinkclearlyabouthowtostopit.Thekeyistostopthecycle,eitheratthepointofwhenatriggerisabouttoset

itofforoncethenegativeself-talkbegins.

itofforoncethenegativeself-talkbegins.

GoingPositive

Thegoodnewsisthatthereisanotheroption:learningpositiveself-talk.Thiskindofself-talkkeepsyoupositiveandfocused.Inmanylifecircumstances,itcanserveasacatalysttohelpyoudealwithwhateversituationscomeyourway.Ataminimum,itcangiveyoustrength,restyourwearymind,andbuildoptimismthatthingsareprobablybetterthanyouthoughtthemtobe!

IdentifyingtheVoicesSometimesifyouthinkaboutwhatthevoicessaytoyou,youcanrecognizetheirsource.Youmayhearyourfatherormother,oryouroldersibling,orapastboss,oranex-girlfriendorboyfriend.Thewordsyouusetotellyourselfsomethingmightbefamiliarwordsthatothershaveusedeithertowardthemselvesortowardyou.Certainideashavehadabigimpactonyouovertheyears.Whenyoubecomeattunedtothevoicesandwhattheysay,theremaybesomefamiliarthemes.Manytimestheinterpretationpeoplehaveofwhat’s“good”orwhat’s“bad”isreallysomeoneelse’sperspectivethathasbecomeingrained.Justasthekeytonegativeself-talkliesinfindingapositiveself-talk,soyoucanfantheflamesofyourmemorytoremembergood,positivethingspeoplehavesaidtoyou.

“BatterUp!”

Inthenextchapter,youwillhaveachancetocompleteassessmentsspecifictoyourlife,andyourreactions.Butfirstlet’slookatthedifferencebetweenpositiveandnegativeself-talkinmoredetailtounderstandhowitactuallywritesastoryinyourlife.

Thinkoflisteningtoaballparkbroadcasterannouncingabaseballgame.Nowimaginethattheannouncerhasn’tactuallyseenthegameyet.Heistellingtheaudiencewhat’shappeningbeforetheplayhasstarted.“Thenextbatterupisgoingtohitahomerun.Thiscrowdisgoingtogowild.Thebatterwillrunaroundthebasesandexperienceahamstring.He’llwonderwhetherhecanfinishwithoutfallingdown.It’sgoingtobeanamazingeventtowatch!”Howmuchfunwouldthatbeforyouifyouwereintheaudience?Wouldyou

liketoknowwhatwasgoingtohappenbeforeithappened?Mostpeoplewouldanswer,“No!”Thefunisintheanticipation,watchingthegameunfold.Thefunisinnotknowinghowthingswillturnout.Oddlyenough,though,throughyourself-talk—whethergoodorbad—you

liveyourlifeasifanannouncerinyourheadistellingtheplaysbeforetheyhappen.Youtellyourselfwhatthingsmean,what’sgoingtohappennext,whatsomeonemeansbyhismannerismsandfacialexpressions,whetherthedayisgoingtobegoodorbad,andonandon.Youdon’tgiveyourselfthechancetojustexperiencelifebecausethecommentaryistellingyouwhattheexperienceisbeforeyouhaveit!

WritingtheStory

Picturethis,asbestyoucan.It’sabeautifulday.Youleaveyourhouseandsmelltheairofspring.Youhadtimetogetreadythismorningsoyouwerenotrushedandyoufeelgood.Youfindyourselfsmilingasyouwalkdownyourfrontstairs.Yourspiritsareup,anditfeelslikeagooddayisahead.Justasyousteponthelaststep,amancomesrunningaroundthecornerfullforceahead.Heseemstobestaringdirectlyatyou.Hislongcoatisflappingbehindhimasherunsandhisfaceshowswhatyouinterprettobesomeconcern.Stophere.It’spossiblethatnegativeself-talkmightbetellingyoutobescared

orparanoid.Perhapsatsomepointinthepastyou’vehadabadexperiencewith

astranger.Maybeyouweremuggedorthreatenedbysomeonewhomyoumetonthestreet.Becauseofthat,yourmindiswhispering,“Isthisguyathreattome?Maybehe’sgoingtograbmeorhurtme.”Thatsortofnegativeself-talkstemsbothfromthesituationandfromyourmemoriesofsimilarsituations.Butyoudon’thavetogiveintoit.Rather,tapintoyourpositiveself-talk:“Wow,thatguyisreallygoingfast.IwishIcouldrunlikethat.Infact,I’mso

happyIstartedthatexerciseplanlastweek.Ijustnoticed,inthinkingabouthowinshapeheis,thatIamfeelingmuchbetteraboutmyself.IthinkIamgettingtonedalready.Iamgoingtofindafewmoretimesonmycalendartogetmoreexercise.IalwaysfeelsogoodwhenIdo.Heismakingmelaughwiththatfunnyfacehehas.IalwayshaveasimilarexpressionwhenIamrunningtogetinshape.”

WhichIsthe“Right”Story?

So,whichstoryiscorrect?Isthemanathreat?Isheadangertoyou?Orisheareminderofthingsthatyouvalueandcareabout?Onlyyoucananswerthosequestions.Butbyshiftingawayfromnegativetopositiveself-talk,youcreatelessanxietyandmoreopportunitiesforyourself.

ChoosetoShiftIt

It’stimetolearnhowtostopandshiftyourself-talkmorepositively.Youcanuseself-talktocalmyouranxiousmind.It’sabouthavingchoices.Untilnowyou’vehadnochoice—negativeself-talkrulesyourday.Butthat’sabouttochange.Earlieryoucompletedanumberofassessmentstoidentifythemainsourcesof

anxietyinyourlife.Inthechaptersthatfollow,youwilllearnhowpositiveself-talkcanbeappliedinavarietyofcircumstances.Learningpositiveself-talkandtherightwordstosaywon’t,byitself,change

Learningpositiveself-talkandtherightwordstosaywon’t,byitself,changeyourlifeovernight.However,themoreyoucanpracticeitandmakeitahabit,themorechoicesyouwillhave.Andthemoreyoucanlearntoreplacenegativeself-talkwithpositiveself-talk,themoreyou’llbeincontrolofyourlife.Positiveself-talkbuildsandoffersconfidenceandhope.

PartII

CHAPTER4

BuildingYourSelf-TalkToolbox

Areyoureadyforacalmeryou?Areyoureadyforthestepsyouneedtotaketoquellyouranxiety,calmyourmind,andallowyourselfmorepositiveoptionsandoutcomesinlife?Itreallyisuptoyou.Itfeelsasthoughthesethingsareoutofyourcontrol,butthepoweriswithinyou.BytakingtheassessmentsinChapter2andusingthestepsinChapter3toidentifyyourtriggers,youarealreadyinanewstateofawarenessaboutthesourcesandimpactofnegativeself-talk.Youknowit’screatedamoreanxiousyou.Butit’smadepromisesthatitcan’tkeep.Ithastoldyoustoriesandgivenyouendingswithouteverlettingyouhaveachancetocreateadifferentoutcome.Thebeautyofpositiveself-talkisthatyoucancalluponitduringtimesof

everydayanxietyandstress,orduringtimeswhenthingsarespiralingoutofcontrol.Thefactis,thereisacalmeryou.Thereisayouthatcanstandinsidethetornadoasitswirlsaroundyouandnotgetcaughtinthestorm.Ifyouarereadytomakealifechangeandchoosecalmoveranxious,it’stimetouninvitethenegativeself-talkandinviteinamorepositiveandpowerfulyou.Takingthestepsoutlinedinthisbook,learningmoreaboutyourowncyclesofnegativeself-talk,andexaminingtheveracityofwhatthesevoicestellyouareallcriticalpiecesofthepuzzle.But,youhavetotakesomesteps.Youhavetocommittoanewwayofbeing.Youhavetodecideit’stimetoallowthecalmeryoutoemerge.

UsingYourToolsandYourAssessments

Thisbookisnotintendedasaone-timeread.It’smeanttocompelyoutoaction

Thisbookisnotintendedasaone-timeread.It’smeanttocompelyoutoactionandtogiveyousteps,tools,andwaystomoveyournegativestatestomorepositiveones.Youmightbelievethatthisworlddoesn’tallowforacalmmind,andyetinthemiddleofthetornado,therearemanypeoplestandingstillandwatchingitpassby.Youcandothesame.Inthischapter,you’lllearnwhattoolsyoumustkeepinyourpositiveself-talktoolboxtokeepyoucalmandincontrol.

Commitment

Thefirstthingistomakeacommitmenttoyourself.Committoanewyou,anewapproach.Writeyourcommitmentona3"×5"cardorsomewhereyoucanpostitand

seeitoften.Writeitinthepresenttenseandreviewitoften.Youmightwritesomethinglike:“Icommittoacalmerme.”Or“Iambecomingcalmereveryday.”Or“ItakethestepsIneedtotaketoremovenegativeself-talkfrommylife.”Resolvehowyouwillcaptureyournegativeself-talkandidentifyit

throughouttheday.Whatmethodwillyouusetokeeptrackofit?

YourPersonalPlan

Ifyouhaven’tworkedonanyoftheassessments,gobacktoChapters2and3now.StartwiththeoneinChapter2soyoucanidentifyyourspecificareasofproblemsorweaknessandthengoontotheevaluationoftriggersinChapter3.Itisimportanttounderstandtheareasinlifethataremajortriggersforyou.Whilemostoflifemaypresentfrustrationsfromtimetotime,someareasaremorestress-andanxiety-inducingthanothers.Forsomepeople,theirworklifeisgreatbuttheyhaven’tmetthepersonoftheirdreams,sotheyengageinnegativeself-talkwhentheygethomefeelinglonelyandunwanted.Othersfindthatanxietypermeateseverythingtheydo.Othershaveaterriblebossordifficult

workingsituation—orcan’tfindajobatall—andfeelnegativeanddepressedeverytimetheythinkaboutwork.Justremember,youcan’tfixtheproblemuntilyouknowwhattheproblemis.Therearenorightorwronganswersintheassessments.It’sallaboutlearning

moreaboutyouandyouranxiety.Thereisnobenefittoignoringwhattroublesyou,ortopretendingitwillgoawayonitsown.And,whilethisbookcanprovidemanyguidepoststodealwithanxietyandmakedifferentchoices,youmustfirstunderstandwhereyouranxietycomesfrom,whattriggersit,andwhatsendsitintoaction.Then,youwanttobeawareofhowittakesover,whatitsaystoyou,andtheimpactonyourmindandbody.

KeepingTrackofYourNegativeSelf-Talk

EarlierItalkedaboutusing3"×5"cardstowritedownnegativeself-talksoyoucanlearnhowitrunsamokandhowtocounterit.Aswell,Irecommendthatyougetajournalandwritethingsdown.Somepeoplearehesitanttodothis,butit’sveryhelpful.Ifyoudon’twanttokeepajournal,considersendingyourselfatextmessageorkeepinganoteinyoursmartphone.Oryoumaywanttojotideasdownonstickynotesandthenpostthemwhereyoucanreviewthem.Considerspeakingintoasmalltaperecorderthatyoucarrywithyouwhensomethingoccurstoyouthatwouldbehelpfultoremember.Whateveryouchoosetodo,itiscriticalthatyouremindyourselftostayawareanduncoverthenegativeself-talk.Themoreyoucanseeclearlywhenandwhereitmovesin,themorepoweryouhavetoaskittoleaveandreplaceitwithpositiveself-talk.Simplyusingpositiveaffirmationscanbebeneficial,buttoreallyshiftfromanxietytoacalmeryou,youhavetoidentifythenegativeself-talkandmakedifferentchoicesaboutit.Resolveherehowyouwillcaptureyournegativeself-talkandidentifyit

throughouttheday.Whatmethodwillyouusetokeeptrackofit?Takenoteoftheeventsthattriggeryouandnotedownyourreactiontothem

eachtimeyounoticenegativeself-talkcreepingin.Anddon’tletyournotessit

eachtimeyounoticenegativeself-talkcreepingin.Anddon’tletyournotessitunremembered.Refertothematleastonceperdaytostarttoseeiftherearepatternsorcommonalitiesthatoccur.

TheNextSteps

Inadditiontowritingyourcommitmenttomakethechangeyouwantandidentifyingamethodtokeeptrackandbecomemoreawareofyourself-talk,youwillwanttoidentifywhichsectionsofthisbookmightbemostusefulforyourimmediateproblems.Afterlookingagainatthetableofcontents,scanquicklytofindthosechaptersthatapplymosttoyou.Thenreadthemcarefully.Findthestepsthatseemmostappropriateforyoursituation,yourlifestyle,andyourneeds.Itmaybehelpfultocopythesepagessoyouhavethemhandyatalltimes.Norealchangehappenswithoutaplan.Youmusthaveawaytointegratewhatyouarelearninghereintoyourday-to-daylifeoritcan’tbecomerealforyou.Reviewthestepsyouwilltakethenexttimethatnegativeself-talkcreepsin.

Writethemdownandkeepthemsomewheretowhichyouhaveeasyaccess.Perhapsyoucankeepasetnexttoyourbedsoyoucanrepeatpositiveaffirmationsbeforebedtime.Keepasetinyourpocketoryourdeskdraweratwork.Don’tsticktheminafile—it’stooeasytoforgetaboutthem.Putthemsomewhereyoucanreachwhenyouneedthem.Next,schedulesometimetoworkthroughtheprocessyouhaveidentified.

Someoftheapproachesinthisbookrequireyoutositquietly,dodeepbreathing,orrepeataffirmations.Youcanpracticetheseatanytime.Infact,youshouldpracticesotheseexercisesbecomeahabitforyouwhenthenegativeself-talkvisitsandyoucatchitintheact!Youwanttobereadytoturntoyourpositiveapproach.Themoreyoupracticethis,andthemorecomfortableyoufeelwithit,theeasieritwillbetodoit.Asyoureadeachofthefollowingchapters,puttheexercisesand

Asyoureadeachofthefollowingchapters,puttheexercisesandrecommendationsintoyourproverbialbagoftricks.Pickouttheapproachesthatworkforyou.Ifyouwanttofindabuddy,figureoutawaytodothis.Itcanbeveryhelpfultohavethereinforcementofanotherpersoninturningyourself-talkaround.Ifyouaregoingtopracticeself-hypnosis,schedulethisintoyourday.Don’twaitforarighttimetomakethingshappen—instead,planforit.Makeitapartofyourlife.Onceyouhaveyourplan,putitinwriting.Whetheryouhaveaplanning

notebook,usecalendarsoftware,orputeverythinginasmartphone,don’trelyonmemoryalonetoremindyouofthetimetodoaself-talkexercise.Scheduleit.Writeitdown.Committoit.Changewon’thappenwithoutdeliberateactionstomakeithappen.

Review,Modify,andSucceed

Insteadofassumingthateverythingwillworkoutfinenowthatyouhaveaplan,takedeliberatestepstoreviewwhat’shappening.Noteverythingworksforeveryperson.Someoftheapproachesmightbegreatforyourbuddyorafriendwhoreadsthisbook,buttheymightnotworkforyou.Thereasonthisbookispackedwithideasandapproachesistogiveyouthechancetofindtheonethatfitswhoyouare.Asyoupracticetheapproaches,payattentiontowhat’sworkingandwhat’s

not.Again,itcanbehelpfultowritesomenotesandcapturethoughts.Eachtimeyoupracticesomething,makeanoteofwhatitfeltlike.Whatdidn’tworkthatwell?Whatdidyoulike?Whatwouldyouwanttomodifynexttime?Makethisprocessaboutyou—don’tworryabouttherightandthewrong.Focusonwhatwillworkforyou.Besuretocapturethe“Why?”Whydidn’ttheapproachworkaswellasyou

hoped?Whydidoneapproachworkbetterthananother?Whatsortsofthingsaffectedtheoutcome?Thennotewhatyoumightwanttododifferently.What

affectedtheoutcome?Thennotewhatyoumightwanttododifferently.Whatmightyouchangefornexttime?Aretherepiecesyoucouldtakefromoneapproachandputwithanother?Lastly,identifyyourbestnextsteps.Whatthingswillyoucontinuetocommit

togoingforward?Itcanbehelpfultostateyourcommitmentonascaleof1–10.Howcommittedareyoutoacalmer,morepeacefulyou?

Calm

Itispossibletomovefromanxietytoacalmeryou.Thenegativeself-talkyouhavetakenonhashelpedyoutobelievethatitwasn’tpossible.Youknownowthatthereisadifferentoption.Youcanbecalm.Youcanfeelgoodaboutyourself.Youcanfeelgoodaboutyourlife.Committodosotoday.Walkthroughthestepsoutlinedhere.Don’ttakeshortcuts.Youdeservetobecalm.Youdeservealifewithoutanxietyasanever-presentnag.Starttowalktothatnewlifetoday.

CHAPTER5

AnxietyinPersonalRelationships

Relationshipsareinmanywaysboththekeytoourhappinessandsuccessandthebaneofourexistence.Thepeopleclosesttouscansupportusandguideusthroughoutlife,andtheycanalsomakeourlivescompletelymiserable.Manypeoplehaven’tlearnedhowtoreallybenaturalandpositiveinrelationships.Youmaylooktoanotherpersonforyourhappinessandwhenhedoesn’tdowhatyouexpect,itmakesyouunhappy.Youmayblamepeoplearoundyoufortheproblemsyouhave—yourparentsdidn’tgiveyoutherightsupportoryoursiblingshaveignoredyouorfriendshavebetrayedyou.Anywherehumanbeingsgather,thereisthepotentialforproblems.Somepeoplearewellintentionedbutawkwardorself-destructiveinhowthey

actinarelationship.Forexample,Harrycravesattention(apositiveoutcome),buthetriestogetitbyactingaggressivelyandcausingscenesinpublicplaces(poordelivery).Theresultispreciselytheoppositeofwhathewants—peopleavoidHarryinordernottobepartofhisdestructivebehavior,andasaresultHarrydoesn’tgetwhathereallyneeds.Sometimesitseemsasifthereisalwayssomethingamisswithour

relationships.Whilethingsaregoingwellwithyourspouse,youmaybefightingwiththeneighbor.Ifyourchildrenarebehaving,yourmother-in-lawiscausingyoutrouble.Theserelationshipproblemsarefueledbynegativeself-talk,whichisoftenthethirdwheelinourrelationships.Negativeself-talkcolorsyourreactiontoandimpressionofotherpeopleinsituationsthatrangefromdealingwithconflictandangerinrelationshipstolossofalovedonetodisappointmentsinlife.Thischapterwillexaminethedifferentrelationshipscenariosthatcausestressandanxietyandwilllookatthecommonself-talkpeopleuse.You’lldosomeexercisestoexamineyourownself-talkandlearnnewpositivewaysof

someexercisestoexamineyourownself-talkandlearnnewpositivewaysoftalkingtoyourselftohelphealsomeofyourbrokenrelationshipsorbrokenfeelingstowardothers.

RelationshipsCanReallyHurtTheresearchonhowrelationshipscantrulyhurtisastounding.Negativeself-talkandtheresultinganxietycanactuallydrivepeopletohurtoneanother.Somestudieshaveshownthatcloseto50percentoftheviolentcrimesagainstfamilymemberseachyeararecommittedagainstspouses.EveryninesecondsintheUnitedStates,awomanisassaultedorbeaten.Aroundtheworld,atleastoneineverythreewomenhasbeenbeaten,coercedintosex,orotherwiseabusedduringherlifetime.Mostoften,theabuserisamemberofherownfamily.Domesticviolenceistheleadingcauseofinjurytowomen—morethancaraccidents,muggings,andrapescombined.Amindledbynegativeself-talkdoesn’t“see”anotherpersonasvaluable.

ProblemsinRelationships

Startbyrecognizingtheimmensewebofrelationshipsinwhichyou’reinvolved.Thereisyourfamilyoforigin,includingyourparentsandsiblingsandanyextendedfamilymemberssuchasauntsoruncles.Youmaybemarried,divorced,orinacommittedpartnership.Youmayhavechildren.Youprobablyhavefriendsandcolleagueswithwhomyouinteractonaregularbasis.Andinthisageofsocialnetworking,relationshipspervadeourlives.Weoftenspendhoursonlinecommunicating,reading,andfindingoutinformationaboutotherpeople.Whenyourrelationshipsaregood,theymakeyouhappyorpositiveaboutthe

world.Astrongrelationshipcanbeaportinthestormoflife.Butwhenrelationshipssourorencounterdifficulty,mostpeoplebecomefixatedontheproblemsandusenegativeself-talktobringthemselvesandotherpeopledown.

problemsandusenegativeself-talktobringthemselvesandotherpeopledown.Toomuchnegativeself-talkcanturnfeelingsofloveorattractionintohatredordisgust.Inothercases,youfeelsadnessorloss.Perhapsyouaregoingthrougha

divorceorhavelostalovedone.It’scommontoexperiencedepressionandanxiety,overwhelmedbynegativeemotions.Ratherthanfocusingonpositiveself-talk—rememberingthegoodtimesyouhavehadwithyourfriend,relative,orspouse—youallowyournegativeself-talktotakeover.“Mylifewillneverbefullagain.Thelossistoogreat—theholeistoobig.”Or,“I’mtooyoungtobealone,butIwillbealonefortherestofmylife.”

I’mNotHappy,butIDon’tKnowHowtoTellYou

Behavioralresearchshowsusthatonlyabout18percentofthepopulationiscomfortablewithconflict.Thatleaves82percenttryingtoavoidconflictwheneverpossible;atbest,theytolerateitwhenitcomestheirway.Theproblemis,somedegreeofconflictisinherentinrelationships.Itcanbeassmallasyourpartnerleavingthecapoffthetoothpasteinthebathroom,oraslargeastellingyourspouseyoudon’twanttohavechildrenwhenyoupreviouslysaidyouwereopentothem!Inromanticrelationshipstherearehundredsofopportunitieseachdayfor

differencesofopiniontosurface.Butofcourse,relationshipsaren’tlimitedtoromanticones.There’sthesiblingwhobehavedinappropriately(atleast,inyourview)atthelastfamilydinner.Orthechildwhorespondstoyourruleswith,“Ihateyou!”Relationshipsarearegularstompinggroundforconflict.Somepeoplearesoattunedtoconflictthatevenwhenarelationshipis

relativelyharmonious,theywaitanxiouslyfortheothershoetodrop.Youcanadoptanattitudeofavoidingconflict,hopingitwillresolveitself,butasyou’veprobablylearnedthehardway,thatdoesn’thappen.Unresolvedconflictssimmerandbubblejustbelowthesurfaceuntiltheyeruptagain.Forthisreason,

beingabletodealconstructivelyandpositivelywithconflictinarelationshipisanimportantskill.

UnhappilyMarried?YouAreNotAlone!AuthorDanaAdamShapiro(YouCanBeRight(orYouCanBeMarried):LookingforLoveintheAgeofDivorce),inanOctober2012interviewwithBuzzfeed.com,says,“Ithink17percentofmarriagesarehappy.Fiftypercentofmarriagesend,andofmarriagesthatstaytogether,Ithinkathirdarehappy,athirdarehappyenough,andathirdareunhappy.”Hmmm...Couldnegativeself-talkbecontributingtotheunhappiness?It’sworthgivingpositiveself-talkatry!

ChangingYourSelf-TalktoDealwithOthers

Giventhecrucialrolerelationshipsplayinourlives,weneedtocounternegativeself-talkthatcanpullthemofftrack.Here’swhatyouneedtodo.

StepOne

Takethetimetothinkaboutwhatyou’dlikeinthisrelationship.Whatwouldtherelationshiplooklikeifthingsweregoingasyou’dlikethemto?Whatwouldtheotherpersonbedoingorsaying?Howwouldyoubeinteractingwithhimorher?Whatissueswouldyouliketodiscusswiththispersonforapositiveoutcome?Makenotesabouthowyouwouldlikethisrelationshiptobe,andhowyouwouldliketobeinthisrelationship.Beasclearasyoucanaboutwhatyoureallywant.

StepTwo

Nowtakeaminutetositquietlyandimaginewhatitisliketofeelconfident

Nowtakeaminutetositquietlyandimaginewhatitisliketofeelconfidentandinagoodplacewithregardtothisrelationship.Itcanbehelpfultocloseyoureyesandpicturethepositivefeelingsinanywayyoucan.Noteveryone“sees”picturesintheirminds,andthisisokay.Justimaginehowyoumightfeelandwhatyoumightthinkabouttherelationship.Imaginewhattheotherpersonisdoinginresponsetoyou.Ishelisteningmoreeffectively?Areyouresolvingissuestogether?Areyoujusthavingmorefun?Runpictures,thoughts,feelings,orideasthroughyourmindaboutthepositiveoutcomeyoudesireforthisrelationship.

StepThree

Nowpracticepositiveself-talk.Readthefollowingphrasesandseewhichonesmostfityouandyoursituationorwhichonesyoucanmostrelatetoandseemthemost“real”toyou.

“Ideservetohaveagoodrelationship.”“Personalrelationshipsaremeanttobefulfilling,notdraining.”“It’simportanttobringupissues,concerns,thoughts,ideas,orwhateverIwanttotalkaboutwithinmyrelationships.”“Iamconfidentinmyrelationship.Havingachancetotalkaboutobstaclesgivesusachancetofixthemtogether.”“Idonotcontrolthereactionofothers.Icanonlycontrolmyownactionsandreactions.”“IstayfocusedonwhatIwantoutofthisrelationship,notonwhat’swrong.”“Attitudeiseverything.Ibelievethisrelationshipcanwork.Itrytofindnewwaystodomyparttowardthatend.”

StepFour

Nowputthisalltogether.Findaplacetositquietlyandcloseyoureyes.

Nowputthisalltogether.Findaplacetositquietlyandcloseyoureyes.Imaginethisrelationshipisstrong.Imaginethatitisbringingyoujoy.Imaginethatyouareabletoberealandfeelgoodaboutyourselfinthisrelationship.Getanideainyourmindaboutthenextinteractionwiththisperson.Seeorbelievethatinteractionwillhaveapositiveoutcome.Lookatthelistaboveandchoosetheself-talkthatwillmakethesepicturesrealforyou.Practicewiththesewordsandrepeatthemoverandoveragainuntiltheyseemrealtoyou.It’sveryimportantthatyouallowthesewordstosinkin.Themoreyouallowyourmindtograspideasandimagesandwordsthatmakethisrelationshipmorepositiveandmorefulfilling,themoreyourmindwillhelpyouworktowardthatend.

StepFive

Asyouworkwiththis,remembertokeepyourjournalortaperecordercloseby.Observeyourreactionstothepersonintherelationship.Notewhereyougettriggered,andwhereyoucanbringyourpositiveself-talktobear.It’simportanttolookattheprocessasongoingsoyoucancontinuetoreinforcethenew,morepositiveapproach.Rememberthatnorelationshipwillchangeovernight.Peopleadoptcertain

actionsandreactionsinrelationships,andittakesawhiletoembracenewbehaviorsonthepartofsomeoneyoumaybecloseto.Youwillneedtobecommittedtoplowthroughevenwhenyournegativeself-talktellsyouthereisnopointandnothingwillchange.

DealingwithLoss

Youmayhaveinvestedalotinarelationshipandcaredabouttheotherperson;shemayhavecaredaboutyou.Butthen,forwhateverreason,sheleft.Peopleleaverelationshipsformanyreasons.Everyoneisonthisearthona

temporarybasis,sosoonerorlaterweallleaveasaresultofdeath.Butthereare

temporarybasis,sosoonerorlaterweallleaveasaresultofdeath.Buttherearemanyotherreasonsrelationshipsdissolve.

Morethan50percentofmarriagesendindivorce;husbandsandwivesleaveeachothereveryday.Peoplewhomyoutrustorbelieveincanpickupandleaveyou,sometimeswithoutwarningornotice.Perhapstheymoveawaybecauseofajobchange,orperhapstheywanttomakeachangeintheirlives.Thepointis,they’renotthereanymore.Peoplemayleavearelationshipemotionally.Sometimestheworstlonelinessishavingsomeonethere,butfeelingalone!PeoplemayleaveyoubecauseofAlzheimer’sorothermentalincapacitation.

Peoplemayleaveforashorttime,andsometimestheyleaveforever.Inbothcases,itcreatesafeelingofloss,andlossishard.Thevoidleftoftenfeelslarge.Somedaysthepainandgriefcanbecomeoverwhelming.Negativeself-talkenhancesthefeelingsofgrief.Yourmindtellsyouthatyouwillneverfeelokayagain.Theworldwillneverbethesamewithoutthepersonyou’velost.Youmaybegintothinkaboutyourownmortality.Griefisnormal.Feelingasenseoflossandthevoidthatfollowsisalso

normal.Neverrecoveringfromthegrieforthelossisnotokay.Grievingisnatural,butyoumustfindwaystodealwiththegrief.Negativeself-talkandtheruminationsassociatedwithitcanpullyouindaybyday.Thisisanespeciallycrucialareainwhichyouneedpositiveself-talktohelpyouworkthroughyourgriefandcometoabetterplace.Beforeyoustarttheself-talkexercisesinthissection,besureyouhavegiven

yourselfadequatetimetogrieve.What’sa“normal”time?Itdiffersforeveryone,butifyouarereadingthissectionyearsafterlosingsomeone,youshouldworkonthisexercise.Whenyoulosesomeoneyoucareabout,itdoesn’tremovethepersonfrom

yourconsciousness—thismeansyoumusteventuallylookatthelossdifferently.

yourconsciousness—thismeansyoumusteventuallylookatthelossdifferently.If,forexample,youlostyourspousetoanacrimoniousdivorce,constantlytalkingtoyourselfabouthimorherinanegativefashionisn’thealthyforyou.Itisn’tchanginganything,anditisn’tfixinganything.Youneedtogetonthepositiveself-talktrain.

PowerfulSelf-TalktoReplacePowerfulLoss

Thissectionwillworkifyoufeelreadytomakesomekindoflifeshiftinthisarea.Noonecantellyouthatyouareready;youmustmakethatdecisionforyourself.Everyonegrievesdifferently,andsomepeopleneedmoretimethanothers.Payattentiontoyourneeds.

StepOne

Becauseyouaredealingwithahole,avoid,alossofsomekind,youmaynotknowwhatsuccessandapositiveoutcomelookslike.Youmightonlyknowthatyoudon’twanttocontinueinthekindofpainyou’rein.First,writedownafewideasaboutwhatthelossofthispersonmeanstoyou.Writebothhowthelossaffectsyouandalsohowitmakesyoufeel.

1. Losingthispersonimpactedmylifebecause...2. WhenIthinkaboutthelossofthisperson,Ithinkabout...3. Myownself-imageisimpactedbythelossofthispersonbecause...4. Ifeelstuckinthislossbecause...

StepTwo

Reviewwhatyouhavewritten.Readallofthesesections.Circleorhighlightanywordsthatstandouttoyouashighimpact.Inotherwords,whatcatchesyourattentionwhenyoureadit?Whatreallydragsyoudownemotionally?

yourattentionwhenyoureadit?Whatreallydragsyoudownemotionally?ReviewyourlistoftriggersfromChapter3.Doanyofthesewordsrelatebacktothesetriggers?

StepThree

Nowmakeacommitmenttodealingwiththislossinadifferentway.You’vereachedtheendofyourformalgrievingprocess,andnowyouwill“miss”thepersoninadifferent,hopefullyhealthier,way.Dependingonthetypeofloss(i.e.,death,divorce,abusinesspartnerwhostolefromyou,afriendwhodumpedyou,asiblingwhomovedawayandnevergotintouch),youwillclosetheloopdifferently.Herearesomewaystodothis.Chooseoneofthese,orwriteoneofyourown.

“Ihavegivenenoughofmylifeovertogrieving.Inolongerwanttodevoteenergytomourningthisloss.Itdoesn’tdiminishtheperson’simportancetome,butIneedtomoveonwithmylife.”“Losingsomeoneisanaturallifeprocess.Ithurtstosuffertheloss,butit’snormal.Peopleleaveinavarietyofwaysallofthetime.Iamnottheonlypersontoexperienceloss.Iamreadytomoveintothenextphaseofmylifeandgiveupmourningthisloss.”“Iwasluckytohave______________inmylife.Iwillalwaysmisshim/herinsomeway,butmylifeisfullandIintendtofillitevenmore.Iamreadytofindwhatthenextphasehastoofferme.”“I’mdone.I’vegrieved.I’vesuffered.I’vemourned.Ineedtomoveon.”

Reviewthesestatements,orwriteoneofyourown.It’simportantheretoputsomethinginwritingthatallowsyoutocommittoafinality.Knowthatthepersonisgone.Allowyourselftofillthevoidthatheorsheleftwithsomethingelse.Makethatcommitmentnowinwriting.

StepFour

Nowyouneedaplantofillthevoidleftbythisperson.Rightnownegativeself-talkfuelsthisvoid,anditlikelywidenstheemptiness.(Ifitdoesn’twidenthevoid,itcertainlydoesn’tshrinkitatall!)Lossresultsinavoidthatneedstobefilledwithsomethingelse.Whatstepscanyoutaketobegintoheal?Canyoujoinasupportgroup?Canyoufindaroommate?Canyoulocatesomeoneelsetobeyourpartner?Canyoutakeupahobby?Canyougooutwithafriend?Canyouvolunteeratanursinghome?Canyoudonateyourtimetoachildinneed?Whatstepscanyoutakethatwillgiveyouafocus,orsomethingnewtofillthatvoid?Writeanyideasthatcometomindinyourjournal.

StepFive

Nowthatyouhavecommittedtomovepastyourgrieving,haveidentifiedsomeofyourfearsaboutthetransition,andhavefoundsomewaystofillthatvoid,youarereadytobeginintegratingpositiveself-talkintotheprocess.Positiveself-talkhereiscriticallyimportantbecauseyouwillneedreinforcementandremindersoverandoveragainofyourcommitmenttomovepastthisloss.Yourpositiveself-talkshouldstartfirstthinginthemorning,anditshouldcarryonthroughoutyourdaysothatyouareconstantlyremindingyourselfofyourdesiretofillthatvoid.

“Iloved/caredabout/trusted/enjoyed(identifyyouremotionaroundthisperson)______________,butshe/heisgone.Ihavemournedtheloss,andnowIlookforwardtofindingwhatthenextphaseofmylifewillbring.”“Foreverydoorthatcloses,anotheroneopens.Ibelievethis,andIkeepmyeyespeeledforthenextopeneddoor.”“Iamafulfilledpersonofmyownmaking.Idon’tneedanotherpersontofillme.Iamokayonmyown.”

“EveryonegoesthroughwhatIamgoingthroughinonewayoranother.Lossisapartoflife.I’mmovingon.”“Lifeholdsallkindsofpromiseforme.Ilookforwardtowhat’scomingnext.Ilivemylifewithhope.”“Theworldisfilledwithpeoplewhoneedsomeone.Icanbethatpersontosomeoneelse,andsoIlookaroundforopportunitiestobeafriend,apartner,orasupportertosomeoneelse.”“Ihavesomethingtooffer.Iactivelyseekwaystosharemytimeandtalentswithothers.”“Lifeisfilledwithpromiseandopportunity.”

StepSix

Dealingwithlossmayrequireyoutogobacktoanyoneofthesestepsoverandoveragain.Youmustcommittofinalizingyourgrief.Youmustcommittofillingtheemptiness.Youmustcommittofindingpositiveself-talkthatbolstershopewithinyou.Reviewthesestepsandreturntoanyonewhereyoufeelstuckorstymied.Andremembertousepositiveself-talkoftenandconsistently.Dealingwithlossisdifficult,butitissomethingthateveryhumanbeinghas

tofaceinonewayoranother.Grievingandmourningisnaturalandhasitsplace.Allowyourselfthespacetomourn,butthenmakeadecisionthatyouranxiousmindisdonemourningandisreadytomoveintoanewplace.Mosteverythingyouwillreadinthisbookisaboutmakingadifferentdecision.It’saboutlettinggoofthepainthatcausesyourmindtorunwildandtowreakhavoconyourhappiness.Lossprovidesagreatopportunitytofallintoavoidandfeelill-equippedtopullyourselfoutofit.Ifyoucontinuetostruggle,youmightwanttoreviewthestepsinthissectionoverandovertofindtheplacesyoumostneedtofocuson.Realizingyouhaveachoiceisthefirstimportantstep,butit’snecessarytokeeppracticingthesestepsuntilthatchoicebecomesareality.

CASESTUDY

Let’slookatsomeonedealingnotwithlossbutwithdisappointmentinarelationship.Thisisreallyonlyonestepremovedfromdealingwithloss.Likeloss,thetypeofdisappointmentcanbeminororsevere,butyourabilitytomovepastitandhealtherelationshipandyourselfshouldnotdependontheseverityoftheissue.Louisewasmarriedforalmostthirtyyearstoamanshemetshortly

aftergraduatingfromcollege.Bothofthemhadproductivecareers,andtheyhadtwochildrenwhogrewup,married,andmovedawayfromhome.Louisewaslookingforwardtoapeacefulmiddleageandretirement.Until,thatis,shefoundoutthatherhusbandhadbeenunfaithful.Hehadalong-timemistress,withwhomhe’dhadachild.Frankannouncedtoherthathewasleavinghertogolivewithhismistress.Likemanypeoplewhosetrustinsomeonehasbeenmisplaced,

Louise’sfirstreactionwastobeatuponherself.“HowcouldIhavebeensoblind?”shemoaned.“WhywasIsostupidastotrustFrank?What’swrongwithmethatIdidn’trecognizeforallthoseyearsthathe’sapathologicalliar?”Disappointmentcanbringheartache—andactualphysicalsymptoms.

Louisestoppedeatingwell.Shecouldn’tsleep,andshefeltlistlessandwithoutenergy.Asiscommoninsuchcases,Louisereinforcedherlossthroughnegativeself-talk,whichonlydeepenedtheheartache.Heranxietyandstresslevelswentthroughtheroof.Shewonderedifshecouldevertrustsomeone—anyone—again.Louise’sdisappointmentisnormal.Mostpeoplegointoarelationship

withsomelevelofexpectation.Aspouse“should”docertainthingsfor

withsomelevelofexpectation.Aspouse“should”docertainthingsfortheotherspouse;afriend“should”betrustworthyandkind;aparent“should”considerthebestinterestsofthechildrenbeforehisown;andonandonandon.It’snotthatthese“shoulds”arenottrue,buttheyareajudgmentthatonepersonmakesaboutanother.Infact,iftheseexpectationswereuniversallytrue,peoplewouldseldomdisappointinrelationships.Frank’sviewsabouthowhe“should”handlehimselfinarelationship

weredifferentfromthoseheldbyLouise.Thisdisagreementiswhatledtocrisisanddisappointment.Frankhonestlybelievedthatcheatingwasanormalpartofmarriage;hisfatherhadbeenconstantlyunfaithfultohismother,buttheirmarriagehadlasted.LouisesetanexpectationinherrelationshipwithoutFrankknowingitwasthere(thoughwecancertainlysayheshouldhaveknown,sincemaritalinfidelityisnotarecipeforahappymarriage).Positiveself-talkcanbeverypowerfulinrelationships,strengthening

thembeforeadisappointmenthappensorhelpingapersontohealafterthedisappointment.Thatprovedtrueinthiscase.Aftervisitingacounselorandtakingsometimetorecoverfromheroriginalshock,Louisewasabletoturnherself-talkaround.Athertherapist’sadvice,shewrotedownherthoughtsinajournal.Shestartedbyfocusingonthemarriageandthinkingabouther

expectationsforit.ShewantedFranktobeagoodprovider;awarm,lovingcompanion;andafaithfulspouse.Notsurprisingly,whenshedidthis,inonepartofhermindshesaid,“Thisisstupid.Ofcourseaspouseshouldbefaithful.Thatisn’tmyexpectation;that’swhatourvowssaid.”Butsomethingwentwrong—andFrankdidn’tliveuptothosevows.SoLouiserealizedthatinanyfuturerelationship,shewouldhavetospelloutclearlythatsheneededherpartnertobefaithful.Next,LouisethoughtabouthowFrankdisappointedher.Thoughit

wasdifficult,shetriedtorefrainfromjudgmentallanguageandjust

wasdifficult,shetriedtorefrainfromjudgmentallanguageandjustwrotedownthefactsofwhathappened.Beingasfactualaspossiblehelpedremovesomeoftheemotionalstingfromthedisappointment.ThenLouisethoughtaboutwhatshewantedfromthisexercise.Did

shewanttoforgiveFrank?Tohealtherelationship?Ratherthanpickanegativeoutcome,whichshemighthavedonebefore(“Iwanttomakehimandhislittlebimbopay!”),sheconcluded,“Iwanttomovepastthisandhaveawarm,loving,trustingrelationshipinthefuture.AndIwanttoforgiveFrankbutmakeitclearthatheisnolongeracentralpartofmylife.”NowLouisewenttoworkonherpositiveself-talk.Sherealizedthat

thesuccessofpositiveself-talkinthissituationdependedentirelyonherwillingnesstoapproachFrankdifferentlyandhaveanattitudeofhealing,forgiveness,andpositiveenergy.Shewrotedownalistofpositiveself-talkoptionstoseewhichones

resonatedmostwithher.

“Everyoneishuman.Humansmakemistakes.IwantedahealthyrelationshipwithFrank,butIknowI’vemovedonfromhim.Ichoosetofocusonwhat’sgoodinmylife.”“Ihavemademistakes.IhavethingsinmylifeIwouldliketodoover.IfreelyofferFrankmyforgivenessforthefuture.”“Iwanttobeemotionallyandphysicallyhealthy.Harboringresentmentisn’tgoodforanyone—Ifocusonthepositiveaspectsofthisandotherrelationships.”“IfreelyletgoofFrank.Itisnolongermeanttobearelationshipinmylife.”“Igetstrongereveryday.Ilearnfromeverysituationandeveryrelationship.Ichoosetolearn.”

“Problemsinmyrelationshipsgivemeachancetolookatme.Iwanttobeabetterfriendandmother,abetterperson.”“Idoeverythingpossibletokeepthisrelationshiphealthy.”“Beinghealthyinfuturerelationshipsisimportanttome.Istrivetowardhealthandshakeoffthosethingsthatbringmedown.”

Finally,LouiseusedvisualizationandpositiveimagingtorememberFrankasshefirstmethim.Shedidnotofferjudgment;sherecognizedthatmanythingshadmadehimthepersonhewas.Shecouldnotbewithhim,anditwastimetomoveon.

Asyougothroughyourexercises,patternedontheonesoutlinedintheabovecasestudy,findaquietplacethatyoucansituninterrupted.Haveyourpositiveself-talkaffirmationswithyousoyoucanrepeatthemoverandoveragain.Readtheseinstructionsfirstandonceyouknowwhattodo,sitquietlyandcloseyoureyes.Youwillwanttouseasmanysensesaspossibletopictureorimagineorthinkabouttheotherpersonandyourdesiredoutcomewithhim.First,picturethepersoninyourmind.Ifyoubegintoassociateanythingnegative,picturethatpersonasachildinneed.Picturethatpersonassadorscaredoranythingthatmakeshimmorevulnerableandaccessible.Picturethatpersonhurtinginsomeway.Next,imagineyouaretheretoembracethatpersonashesays“I’msorry”overandoverandoveragain.Youmayneverhearthewordsfromthepersoninreallife,butyoucanheartheminthispicture.Thepersonishumbledandseekingsupportandforgiveness.Offerthepersonforgivenessnowand,inyourmind,tellhimyouaremovingon.Nextintegrateyourself-talk.Takeaphraseortwofromthelistinthecase

studyabove,ormakeuppositiveself-talkofyourown,andusethislanguageasyourmantraoverandoveragainasyousitquietly.Continuetorepeatthisself-talkuntilyoufeelyourownanxietyandresentmenttowardthepersondiminishing.

diminishing.Realizethatthedisappointmentorresentmentyouholdtowardsomeoneis

morehurtfultoyouthantheotherperson.Mostofthetimeotherpeopledon’tfeelourangerandresentmentthewaywewantthemto.Infact,theymaybecomedefensiveorcombativeinreactiontoyourresentment.Whileyouranxiousmindruminatesoverwhat’sgonewrong,theotherpersonisthinkingthatyouaretheproblem.Usingpositiveself-talkhereandchangingthedynamicoftheconversationisgoodforyoupersonally,aswellasforyourrelationship.

Practice,Practice,Practice!

Relationshipsarechallenging.Theycanbringoutthebestinpeople,aswellastheworst.Evenafteryouapplysomeofthepositiveself-talkmethodsinthischapter,anotherrelationshipwillcomealongtochallengeyou.Theexercisesinthischapteraremeanttobeusedoverandover.Picktheself-talkthatbestfitsyoursituation.Dealwithrelationshipsoneatatimeuntilyoufeelconfidentandmoreincontrol.Toomanypeoplewanttobe“right”inrelationships.Theydon’twanttocuttheotherpersonabreakatallorgiveintosomething.Instead,thinkofrelationshipsaslearningexperiences—youlearnaboutyourselfandyourtriggersandreactions.Youcanguidearelationshipusingthepositiveself-talkyouarelearning.Thisprocessisaboutchoice.It’saboutchoosingmentalhealthoverananxiousmind.Keepchoosingtheapproachthatgivesyoumoreoptionsandconfidence.

CHAPTER6

AnxietyintheWorkplace

Work-relatedanxietyisfartoocommoninoursociety.Thinkofthemanythingsthatcangowronginone’sjobsituation—difficultbosses,unreasonableexpectations,toomuchresponsibilityfortoolittleauthority,toomuchworkandnotenoughtimetocompleteit,loominglayoffsorRIFs(reductionsinforce),andgenerallyterribleworkconditions.Buthereagain,youcanturnthesituationaroundandmakeworkaplaceinwhichyoufindenergyandpurpose.Mostpeoplespendamajorityoftheirtimeatwork.Formanypeopletheir

workisabigpartofwhotheyare.Theyidentifytheirself-worthwiththeirwork.Othersworkjusttosurvive.Thetruthisthatsinceitoccupieseighttofourteenhoursofeveryday,fivedaysaweek,workcan’thelpbutpermeateyourlife.It’spreciselyforthisreasonthatit’stimeyoutookchargeofyourself-talkandchangedyourworksituation.Youdon’thavetogetanewjob;youcanstayatthesameplace,buttalkdifferentlytoyourselfaboutit.Ofcourse,it’spossiblethatyou’rereadingthischapterbecauseyouare

lookingforanewjob.Youmayhavealotofnegativeself-talkassociatedwithyourvalueintoday’seconomyoryourreputationfromapastemployer.Whatevertheassociationwithworkandthereasonforreadingthischapter,youcantakeadifferentapproach.Inthischapterwe’lllookatavarietyofcommonworksituations.Youwillseethecommonnegativeself-talkthatpeopleuseandlearnwaystoshiftthenegativeself-talktosomethingmorepositiveandpowerful.Havingtoolstocopewiththeproblemsyouencounterandthenegativethingsyouwanttochangeisimperative.

AnxiouslySeekingaJob

AnxiouslySeekingaJob

Jobhuntingisoneofthemoreanxiety-arousingexperiencespeoplehaveinlife.Ifyouaresomeoneoutofwork,youmayneedajobbadly.Ifyouareinadifficultworksituation,youmayfeelasenseofurgencytochangeyourcircumstancesandfindanewsituation.Perhapsyouareacollegestudentwhohasfinishedschoolwithagreatdealofdebt,andthepaymentsarestartingsoon.Oryoumaybeanolderpersonwhodevotedacareertoacompanyonlytofindyourselfoutofworkandnotknowingwhattodonext.Didyoueverthinkaboutwhyjobhuntingissounappealing?Ratherthanthe

excitementofanewopportunity,orthelearningexperiencethatcomesfrominterviewingandtalkingtonewpeople,mostpeoplecategorizejobhuntingasastressor.Youwon’thearmanypeoplesaying,“Ican’twaittoembarkonthejob-huntprocess!”Or,“IjustlovetherejectionsIgetwhenIamjobhunting!”Mostofthetimeitisunappealingbecauseofthewaypeopletalktothemselvesaboutit.Thefunnythingis,peopleusuallyliketheexperienceofactuallylandingthe

newjob.Theyjustdon’tembracethepathtogettherewithenthusiasmandexcitement!Ifyouarejobhuntingnow,orbelieveyoucouldbeinthefuture,studythis

chaptertofindwaystoturnyourself-talkfromnegativetopositive.Asaresult,you’llexperiencejobhuntinginadifferentlight.

JobHuntingMisconceptions

Nobodylikestobejudged.Butthat’sexactlywhatyoutellyourselftheinterviewerorHumanResourcespersonisdoingastheylookatyourresume.Ifyousubmitaresume,makeaphonecall,orreplytoajobpostingandarenotpickedtomoveforwardintheinterviewprocess,yourself-talkmightbesomethinglikethis:“Idon’thavetheskillsnecessaryanymore.I’mobsolete.I

somethinglikethis:“Idon’thavetheskillsnecessaryanymore.I’mobsolete.Imightneverfindanotherjob.”Yournegativeself-talkmightbeaboutyouandyourcapability.Youmightthink,“Everyoneelsehasaneasytimefindingajob.I’mjustnotgoodatthis.”Oryoumightsay,concerningthepotentialemployer,“WhatwasIthinkingsendingmyresumeintothosejerks?Ihaveheardtheyarerudeandnonresponsive.IguesseverythingI’veheardaboutthemistrue.”Oritmightbeabouttheeconomyingeneral:“Thingsaresobadallaround.Nooneisgettingajob.Theworldisgoingtopot,andI’llprobablyneverworkagain.”

TheRoleofNegativeSelf-Talk

Sometimes,aswe’vesaidearlier,negativeself-talkisusedtobeatuponyourself,butsometimesyoumightbelieveitwillprotectyoufrombeinghurt.Ifyoucanspeaktoyourselfnegativelyaboutthecompanyorpersonwhointerviewedyou,thentheproblem(asyourmindrationalizesit)reallyisn’taboutyou.Thisisthefascinatingthingaboutself-talk:Itcanchangesoyoualwayshaveanexcuseforwhyitisthereandwhyithasthepowertohurtyou.Youmayevensubconsciouslyenjoyitscompany.Andallthewhileitisraisingyouranxietylevelsandunsettlingyourmind.Thereareopportunitiestousemorepositiveself-talktochangeyourattitude

goingintoasituation,andperhapstosteertheoutcomemorepositively,too.Positiveself-talkwillallowyoutofacethesituationsquarelyinsteadofpullingthecoversoveryourheadandstayinginbed.Jobhuntingcanbedifficult,butpositiveself-talkgivesyouatoolwithwhichtocounterthatdifficulty.Ifyouareinajobhuntrightnow,completethefollowingassessmentby

copyingthefollowingquestionsinyourjournalorbyhighlightingYorNontheexampleprovided.Thiswillallowyoutoestablishyourcurrentstate,orcurrentviewsonthejob-huntprocess,soyoucanidentifywhichpartsaremostdifficultforyou:

IknowthetypeofjobIamlookingforandwhereIwouldbeagoodfit Y/N

Ipresentmyselfconfidentlyininterviews Y/N

Ilookforwardtointerviewsandmeetingnewpeople Y/N

Iconsidertheinterviewprocesstobeeasyforme Y/N

Irealizethattheinterviewermaynotbeobjective,butthisdoesn’treflectonme Y/N

IbelievethatthingshappenforareasonsoifIdon’tgetajob,somethingelseiswaiting Y/N

IthinkmyresumeissolidandIdescribemybackgroundwell Y/N

Ifeelgoodaboutmycapabilitiesandthiscomesthroughininterviews Y/N

Nowreviewthislist.Didyouanswer“no”toanyofthesestatements?Whichones?Circleanyofthesentencestowhichyouresponded“no.”Nowinthesectionbelow,writeacoupleofsentencesaboutyourself-talkthatrelatestothesestatements.Whatmightyousaytoyourselfaboutthisaspectofjobhunting?Forexample,ifyousaid“no”to“Iconsidertheinterviewprocesstobeeasy

forme,”youmightwritethatyourself-talksayssomethinglikethis:“Interviewingisreallyhard.Inevercomeacrosswellininterviews.Ialwaysfeelliketheintervieweriswaitingformetomakeamistake.Interviewsareastupidwaytochooseemployeesanyway;thereshouldbemoreemphasisputonlookingatsomeone’sbackgroundontheresume.”Reviewtheentirelist.Identifyalloftheareaswhereyouanswered“no”and

fillinthefollowingwithyourpossibleself-talkrelatedtoeach.Categoryfromthelist______________.Whatself-talkIhaverelatedtothis

areaofthejobsearch_____________________________________________________________Categoryfromthelist______________.Whatself-talkIhaverelatedtothis

areaofthejobsearch_____________________________________________________________Categoryfromthelist______________.Whatself-talkIhaverelatedtothis

areaofthejobsearch_____________________________________________________________Categoryfromthelist______________.Whatself-talkIhaverelatedtothis

Categoryfromthelist______________.Whatself-talkIhaverelatedtothisareaofthejobsearch_____________________________________________________________

GetIntotheSceneItcanbehelpfultositdown,closeyoureyes,andpictureyourselftothebestofyourabilityinthistypeofsituationasitmightunfold.“See,”think,orfeelwhatitwaslikethelasttimeyouwentonanintervieworwerepreparingforone.Asyoucreatetheexperienceinyourmind,becomeawareofyourself-talkrelatedtoit.Getasmanyelementsaspossibleinyourmindthatmakeyouthinkandfeelaboutthesituation.Justthinkingabouttheexperiencemaysetyournegativeself-talkinmotion.Captureany“talk”relatedtotheexperienceinyourjournal.

TheSelf-TalkYouEncounter

Nowwritedownyournegativeself-talkassociatedwiththesituationshere.Whatdoyouthink?Howdoyoufeel?Whatwordsdoyouusetoexplaintheresultsyouexpect?Spendafewminutesexploringyourpersonalself-talk.Behonestwithyourselfaboutwhatyousayandwhatyoubelieve.

Minimizingitortryingtoexplainitawayisn’thelpfulasyoupursueapositivechange.Youmustbebrutallyhonestaboutwhatyouthink,thewordsyouuse,andhowthenegativeself-talkcreepsinandinterpretsthesituation.

TurningItAllAround

Onceyouareclearonthenegativewaysyouself-talk,you’rereadytocreatepositiveself-talkandunfoldadifferentsetofexpectationsrelatedtothejobhunt.Thinkofthisasrewritingthescript.Ihopeatthispointyou’verealizedthatself-talkisonlymade-upstoriesinyourmind.Youmightbelievethemtobetrueandarguethattheyarefact-basedorbasedonrealexperiences,butwhat’s

trueandarguethattheyarefact-basedorbasedonrealexperiences,butwhat’shappeningisthatyouareusingnegativeself-talktomakepredictions.Youaregivingtheplay-by-playfromtheannouncer’sboxbeforetheplayhashappened.Youaretellingastorythatmay,ormaynot,betrue.Thenextsteptobegintoturnthisaround,andhavemoreenergyand

confidenceinyourjob-huntprocess,istotelladifferentstory.Onceyouarewillingtoacknowledgethatyoumakeupthecommentarythatplaysinyourmind,youcanacknowledgethatthecommentaryismalleable.Youcanshapeit,andcreateit,inanywayyoudetermine.

TheStep-by-StepProcess

First,takethetimetothinkabouttheintervieworjob-huntprocess.Ifyouhavebeenatitforawhile,orhavehadgenerallybadluckinthepast,youhaveareactiontoit,mostprobablynegative.Youthenbecomeanxiousaboutwhatmighthappentoyou.Youtalktoyourselfabouttheexpectednegativity.Youthenmightencountermorenegativeexperiencesto“prove”toyourselfyouwereright.Yournegativeexperiencespileup,andyoubecomeill-equippedtodealeffectivelywithajobhuntorinterview.Youcanfinddataandfactstosupportwhateverbeliefsystemyouhold.Ifyourbeliefsarenegative,yourmindwillbedrawntothosecircumstancesthatconfirmthenegativity.Infact,eachsituationhasaflipside—thegoodinlifehassomenegativity

containedwithin,andthebadinlifehassomepositiveaspectsassociatedwithit.Inthisexercise,you’regoingtoturnyourmindtowardthepositivestuff.Whenanxietyrulesthedayandnegativeself-talkcompoundsit,thewindowtotheworldismostlynegativeasconfirmation.Bringingapositiveattitudeiscriticaltocopingwithlifeinamorebalancedfashion.Let’schangetheplaysinthestep-by-stepprocess.

StepOne

StepOne

Clearyourmindofanypastexperiencesorthoughtsaboutyourjobhunt.It’sreallyimportanttopushoutofyourmindanynegativeconnections.Yourmindshouldbeablankcanvas,andyoushouldbepaintingthepictureonitinwhatevercolorsyouchoose.Onceyourmindiscleared,usethatspacetofocusonwhatyouwantwithregardtothenextstepinfindingajob.Whatdoessuccesslookliketoyou?Whatkindofjobwouldsuityouwell?Whatwouldmakeyouhappyinthejob-huntingprocess?Capturethosethingsthatwouldmakeyouhappyorbringyoujoy.Beasclearandspecificaspossible.It’simportanttobeclearaboutwhereyouwanttoheadandwhatsuccesswilllookliketoyouonceyougetthere.Takeyourtimewritingthesedown.Writingthingsdownisimportantbecauseitallowsthemindtotakeamentalpictureofwhatyouwant.Itbecomesmoreconcreteandmorebelievablewhenyouseeitinwriting.

StepTwo

Nowdoyourbesttoimagineasuccessfuloutcome.Imagineyourselfinyourjob-huntprocess,sendingoutresumesandgoingoninterviews.Situpconfidentlyasyouimaginethis.Smileandtakeontheauraofsomeonewhoishappyandsuccessfulinthisarea.Thismightrequireclosingyoureyesandsittingquietly.Imaginehowyouwillfeelwithasuccessfuloutcome.Seeyourselfenjoyingtheprocess,talkingtotheinterviewerinaconfidentmanner,takingarejectionletterinstride,andpostingyourresumewithenthusiasmandcommitment.Seeyourself,orthinkabout,networkingandtalkingtoothersinanupbeatandpositivefashion.Seethepositiveoutcomethatyoudesireandhavewrittenaboutforthisprocess.Takeallthetimeyouneedtodothis,untilthispicturefeelsorseemsrealtoyou.

StepThree

StepThree

Nowpracticepositiveself-talk.Choosefromthefollowingpositivestatementstheonesthatmostresonatewithyou.Ifyoudon’tseeastatementthatyoulike,usetheseasaguidelinetowriteyourown.

“Iamjustascapableasanyoneelseininterviewsandinthejob-huntingprocess.”“IhavehadpastsuccessesthatIdrawupontobemoresuccessfulasIsearchformynextjob.Mypastsuccessesinclude_____________________________________________________________.”“Jobhuntingissomethingeveryonehastodoatsomepointinherorhislife.Myexperienceisnodifferentthanmillionsofotherpeople—it’sreallynobigdeal.Everyonegetsthroughit.”“Iknowtherightjobisoutthereforme,andIamconfidentIamgoingtobeled,orwillleadmyself,tofindit.”“Thepersonreadingmyresumeorinterviewingmeisjustanotherhumanbeing.Hehashopesandfearslikeanyoneelse.Hedoesn’tcontrolmylifeormyfeelingsaboutmyself.”“IlearnsomethingfromeveryinterviewIgoon,everyresumeIsend,andeveryconversationIhaveinthejob-huntprocess.Ilookatitasalearningexperience.”“Iamresilientandabletokeepgoingevenifthingsinitiallydon’tgoasIwouldlikethemto.”

StepFour

Nowputthisalltogether.Again,youwillfindaplacetositquietlyandcloseyoureyes.Imagineyouarereachingthejob-huntinggoalsyouhaveset.Youseeyourselfclearlydoingwhatyouneedtodo.Nowusetheself-talkaboveandrepeatthewordsoverandoveragain.It’sveryimportantyouallowyourselftoletthesewordssinkin.Rememberyouaretellingyourselfastory.Youhavethe

powertotalkabouthowthisstorywillunfold.Youarewritingascript,buttheplayhasnotbegun.Youarethedirector,theproducer,andtheactor.Choosethescriptcarefullyandbelieveintheoutcome.Asyougothroughthejob-huntprocess,youmaywanttodothisexercise

severaltimesaday.Eachtimeyoufacedefeat,turntooneofthepositiveself-talkstatementsthathelpyoucopewithit.Asyouprepareforaninterview,sitquietlyandpicturethepositiveoutcomeyouwantasyousayyourpositiveself-talksilentlytoyourself.Saytheself-talkoutloudinthecarasyoudrivetotheinterview.Runthemessagesasmanytimesasyoucan,inabelievableandconfidentmanner.Rememberthatyouarewritingyourownscript.Choosethestorylineswisely.

CASESTUDY

Let’sseehowthisprocessofpositiveself-talkmightplayoutforsomeonelookingforajob.Angieisathirty-eight-year-oldsalesperson.Forthepastsixyears,

she’sbeenemployedbyasoftwarefirm,butamonthagoshewaslaidoff.Angie’sthinkinghasbeendominatedbynegativeself-talk:I’mtoooldtostartagain;Ican’tstandrejection;theindustry’schangingtoofast,andit’shardtokeepup;anewjobmightmeanmovingtoanewcity,andIdon’twanttomove.However,bymovingfromnegativitytopositiveself-talk,shecanstarttoturnthingsaround,understandthepossibilitiesforfutureemployment,andprepareherselfforaproductiveandsuccessfuljobsearch.ThefirstthingAngiedoesisputasideherfeelingsofinadequacy,

anger,andresentment.Nowshestartsfromacleanbeginning:

StepOne

1. Whatdoessuccesslooklike?ToAngie,successmeansfinancialstabilitysoshecanpayherbillsandputmoneybyforretirement;careergrowth,sinceshedoesn’twanttobestuckinthesamejobforever;andpersonalfulfillment,meaningthejobshouldbeinteresting.Shewantsaculturewhereshehasthechancetoaddvalueandbesuccessfulandwhereshecanstayplantedforafewyearstocome.

2. Whatkindofjobwillsuither?Awell-payingjob,whichmeansstartinginthemiddleinsteadofatthebottomofthecareerladder;ajobinthecompanywithalong-termfuture;and,sinceAngiewantschallenges,ajobthatincludessometravel,althoughshedoesn’twanttomovetoanewcityatthemoment.

3. Whatwouldmakeherhappyinthejob-huntingprocess?Angieunderstands(throughherpositiveself-talk)thatsomerejectionisinevitableinajobhunt.Butshewantstogetsomeleadsandhavesomeofthoseleadsturnintointerviews.Shewantstoknowshe’sbeingtakenseriouslyasapotentialemployee.Becausesheisinsales,shewantstomakeconnectionsandnetworkasshemovesthroughtheinterviewprocess.And,ofcourse,ultimatelyshewantstofindtherightjobforher.

StepTwo

1. Networking.Angiethinksaboutnetworkingonlinetogetleadsandpostherresume,carefullyconsideringwhatpartsofherexperiencetoemphasizeforeachjobtowhichsheapplies.

2. Interviewing.Nowshethinksabouttheinterviewsthemselves.Sheseesherself:poised,professionallydressed,confident,answeringtheinterviewer’squestions.Insomecases,shecanimaginetheinterviewerwilltellherthatthey’veselectedanothercandidate,butsheseesherselfacceptingthatnewsandmovingontothenextinterview.

3. Succeeding.NowAngiethinksaboutwhatitwillbelikewhenshegetsthatoffer.Sheimaginesherselfsittinginanofficeacrossthedeskfromamanagerwho’ssaying,“Angie,ourcompanycanusetalentlikeyours.Youhavealottooffer,andIlookforwardtoworkingwithyou.”Angieimaginestellingherfriendsaboutthegreatjobshe’sjustlandedandbreakingthenewstoherfamily.

Asthispositiveself-talkrunsthroughhermind,Angiefindsthatshe’ssittingupstraighterandthatshe’ssmiling.StepThreeNowAngie’sgoingtopracticepositiveself-talk.Shechoosesthe

followingpositivestatementsastheonesthatmostresonatewithher.

“Iamjustascapableasanyoneelseininterviewsandinthejob-huntingprocess.”“Jobhuntingissomethingeveryonehastodoatsomepointinherorhislife.Myexperienceisnodifferentthanmillionsofotherpeople—it’sreallynobigdeal.Everyonegetsthroughit.”“Iknowtherightjobisoutthereforme,andIamconfidentIamgoingtobeled,orwillleadmyself,tofindit.”

StepFourNowAngieputsthisalltogether.Shesitsinacalm,quietplaceand

closeshereyes.Sheimaginesthatshe’sreachingthejob-huntinggoalsshe’sset.Sheseesherselfdoingwhatsheneedstodo.NowsherepeatsthephrasesfromStepThree.Everymorning,beforeshestartsherjobsearch,shegoesthroughthisexercise.Asaresult,shefindssheismoreconfidentininterviewsandmorepositiveaboutthesearch’seventualoutcome;thus,shefeelsheranxietyslowlyfadeaway.IntheenditstilltakesAngiesometimetofindajob.Shegoes

throughsomehardtimes.Butwithherself-talkturnedfromnegativeto

positive,sheisabletoprojectabetterattitude,onefilledwithconfidence.Andthatimpressesacompanyenoughthattheyhirehertoagoodpositionwithasalarytomatch.AndbecauseAngieprojectedanairofconfidencethroughoutherjobsearch,shehasmetmanyotherpeoplealongthewaywhowanttostayintouchwithher.Shemayhavesetherselfupforafutureopportunity,too.

DealingwiththeDifficultOnesontheJob

Therearen’tmanypeoplewhohaven’thadadifficultbossordifficultcoworkersatsomepointintheirjoblives.Sometimesabossletspowergotohisheadandcancausedisruptionasaresult.Sometimescoworkersrelivetheirseventh-gradebullyexperienceandlashoutatyoufornogoodreason.Therearemultiplesituationswheretheworkplacecausesanxietybecausethepeopleinitarewreakinghavoc.Theylimityourabilitytobesuccessfulandeven,insomecases,cancauseyoutolashoutorgetdepressed,creatingadditionalproblemsforyourself.It’simportanttounderstandthatyoucan’tchangeothers.Theonlyactions

andreactionsyoucancontrolareyourown.Nomatterwhatnegativeself-talktellsyou,thatremainstrue.

ChangetheSelf-Talk,ChangethePeople

Insteadofwaitingforsomeunforeseeablepointwhenotherswillchange,it’stimetotaketheprocessintoyourownhands.Thisdoesn’tmeanlashingoutatworkorhurtingsomeoneinyourworkplacetogetsatisfactionandrevenge.Insteaditmeanschangingthetapesorthemessagesyouareplayinginyour

mindaboutyourworkplaceandthepeoplethere.Thevoicethatcomesintotellyouhowawfulthingsareisnotyourfriend.Andyouneedtoshowitthedoor.Becauseunderstandinghownegativeself-talkimpactsusisanecessaryfirst

step,listentowhatyourself-talktellsyouaboutyourboss,yourcoworkers,orthedifficultpeopleyouencounteratwork.Itcouldbecustomerswhomakeyourstomachchurnorvendorswhoberateandupsetyou.Identifythosewithwhomyouhavetheproblemanddeterminewhatproblemyouhavewiththem.

StepOne

Identifythedifficultpersoninyourjournal.Ifyouhavedifficultywithmultiplepeopleinyourworkplace,youmaywanttodothisexerciseanumberoftimes.

StepTwo

Writesomewordsaboutthisperson(orthesepeople).Whatdoyouthinkabouthim/her?Whatwordsdoyouusetodescribehim/herinyourmind?Bringthenegativeself-talkyouhaveabouthim/hertothesurfacenow.Behonestwithyourthoughts.Don’tsugarcoatanddon’tminimize.Ifyou

havestrongfeelings,writethem.Thefeelingsaresufficientlystrongthattheyarehavinganimpactonyou,sowritethemdown.Captureanythingthatbothersyou,troublesyou,orannoysyouaboutthisperson.

BringinginPositiveSelf-Talk

Rememberthatself-talkisliketheannouncerwhoiscallingouttheplaysbeforetheyhaveevenhappened.Inthecaseofadifficultpersonatwork,youhavelikelyhadarealexperiencethatinitiatedandfueledyournegativeself-talk.Thepersonprobablydidsomethingtoyou,treatedyouacertainway,orbehavedina

personprobablydidsomethingtoyou,treatedyouacertainway,orbehavedinamannerthatwasdistasteful.That’sreal.Butnow,becauseyouconnectthispersonwiththisexperience,subconsciouslyyoumaybelievethateverytimeyouinteractwiththepersonyouwillgetthesameresult.Unfortunatelyyournegativeself-talkmay,infact,behelpingthistohappen.

Youhaveanexpectation,basedonsomepastexperience,andonthatbasisyoupredictwhatwillhappeninthefuture.Sinceyourobjectiveistoenjoyyourwork,feelgoodaboutgoingtoyourworkplace,andhavestrongrelationshipswithothers,thisnegativeattitudeisabadthing.Solet’sturnitaround.

StepOne

Acknowledgethatyouhavehadabadexperiencewiththepersononwhomyouarefocusing.Inthespacehere,writewhythatpersonmighthavebehavedinthatwayortreatedyouthewaysheorhedid.Don’tjudge;justrecordthefacts.Insteadofsaying,“Mybossisajerkanddoesn’tcareaboutpeople,”youmightsay,“Mybosshasahardtimemanagingcommunicationwhenhe/sheisupset.He/sheoftencomesoffasangryandscary.”Youaren’texcusingthebehavior;youarejustrelabelingitwithoutthenegativeemotionsothatyoucanhavemoreoptionsindealingwiththepersoneffectively.It’snot“okay”forabosstoyellandhumiliatepeople,andit’snot“okay”foryourcustomertobesexuallyinappropriate.Butajudgmentalinterpretationofthesesituationsmakesitmoredifficultforyoutocope.Youwanttodealwiththepersoninadifferentmanneraltogether.Writeherewhatthebehaviorisorwhatthesituationentailsandforceyourselftothinkaboutitobjectively.Takeyourtimetocaptureasobjectivelyaspossiblewhat’shappeningwiththisindividual.Youmaywanttodothisintwosteps.1.Writethebehavioryouobserveinyourjournal.2.Nowrewriteitasobjectivelyandfactuallyaspossiblewithnojudgmental

orlabelingwords.

It’saboutChoicesWhendealingwithdifficultpeopleintheworkplacedifferently,youarenotexcusingdisrespectfulordamagingcommunicationandbehavior.Instead,youaregivingyourselfoptionstodealwithsomeone.Ifthesituationisuntenable,youalwayshavethechoicetoquitthejob.Ifyournegativeself-talktellsyouthatisn’tanoption,practicepositiveself-talkinsteadandreferbacktothesectiononjobhuntingtobolsteryourconfidence!

StepTwo

Choosesomeoptionsforpositiveself-talkregardingthisperson.Beforeyoudealwiththepersonnext,spendsometimepracticingwithsome

ofthefollowinglanguage.It’shelpfultoreviewwhatyouwroteabouttheperson’sactionsandframehimorherinanobjective,nonjudgmentallight.Trytoremovethestingthatthispersongivesyou.Youranxiousmindisalreadyputtingthispersoninaboxwithapresetreactiononyourpart.Getthispersonoutoftheboxandlookathimorherinadifferentlight.Again,youarenotexcusingbadbehavior;infactyou’retakingstepstoprotectyourmindfromtoxicpeople.Ataminimumyouaregettingachancetomovebackandbemoreobjective.Reviewthefollowinglistandchoosesomeofthefollowinglanguagewhenyoutalktoyourselfabouttheperson.

“Sometimesastressfuljobsituationbringsouttheworstinsomeone.Ratherthanrespondnegatively,Iwanttounderstandwhat’shappeningwiththisperson.Ipracticecompassionandunderstandingwheneverpossible.”“Thispersondoesnotrulemylife.Irulemylife.Icanbecourteousandprofessional,andIdonothavetobeafraidofanyone.”“Imakemyownchoicesabouthowtointeractwithsomeone.IfIdecideIwanttolikethisperson,Icandoso.Iwantmyrelationshipstobeeffective

andfulfilling.”“Workisjustwork.Itisn’tthebe-allandend-allinmylife.Ineedtodoagoodjobformyemployer,butIdon’tneedtoexpendallkindsofemotionalenergyoverthepeopleIworkwith.”“Therearealwaysworsebosses,worsecoworkers,andworsejobsituationsoutthere.TodayIamgoingtofocusonfindingthepositivethingsassociatedwithmywork.”“Iamassertiveandconfidentinmydealingswithothers.IsetboundariesandamclearaboutwhatIneed.”“Ifindmyselfdealingwithothersatworkmoreandmoreeffectivelyallofthetime.Iviewtheminanobjectivefashion,andIseektounderstand.”“Isurroundmyselfwithpositivepeopleatworkwheneverpossible.Iseekthecompanyofthosepeoplewhocanhelpme,encourageme,ormaketheworkplacemorefunandenjoyableforme.”

Action—Reaction:TheViciousCycleSometimesifyouhaveadifferentattitudewhenyouapproachsomeone,youreceiveadifferentresponsefromherorhim.Oftenwebecomestuckinapatternofapproachandresponse,approachandresponse;neitherpartywilldeviatefromhisorherscript.Forthisreason,sometimessimplychangingyourapproachwillchangetheotherperson’sresponse.Ataminimum,itwillallowyoutoseethesituationdifferently.Changinganythinginlifefromthenormalunconsciousresponsesyouhavetomoredeliberateconsciousonesgivesyouachanceatadifferentview.

StepThree

Nowputthisalltogether.Firstgobackandreviewthewayyoutalkedaboutthisperson,usingtheobjectivelanguagefromStepOne.Ifyouseeanythingthatisjudgmental,removethosecomments.Usethisasachancetopracticecompassionandgetintoanotherperson’sproverbialshoes.Mostpeoplewho

compassionandgetintoanotherperson’sproverbialshoes.Mostpeoplewhoengageinnegativebehaviorarehurtingsomehow.Thepersonyou’reinteractingwithmaybeseekingsomethingpositive.Thebosswhoyellsissometimesreallyafraidofbeingseenasaphony.Thecoworkerwhodoesn’tholdupherendoftheprojectcommitmentsmightlacktheknowledgetocompleteherjobsuccessfully.Thecustomerwhoswearsatyoumightbeinthemidstofapersonalcrisis.Understandingthiscanoftenhelpyoulookbeneaththeoutwardbehaviortogetattherootcause.Andinmanycases,youmighthavebeenintheirplaceinapriorsituation.Youmayhaveacteditoutdifferently,butyoucanprobablyrelatetothepaintheyaretryingtoavoidorthefeartheymayfeelthatisdrivingtheiractions.

StepFour

Prepareforthenextinteractionwiththisindividualbyreadingandrereadingsomeofthepositiveself-talkabouttheinteraction.Rememberthatifthepositiveself-talklistedinthissectiondoesn’tfityou,youcanwriteyourown.Beobjectiveandpositive.Ifyougenuinelywanttoshiftthisrelationship,begenuineinyourcomments.

Approachthepersonmoreopenlyandwillingly,whileexpectingapositiveoutcome.Acknowledgethatyouaretiredfromtheanxietygeneratedbythesituationatyourworkplace.Committoachange.Keeprepeatingthecycleuntilitsticks.Thenexttimethepersonengagesin

thebehaviorthattriggersyou,ratherthanbeatinguponyourself,realizethatthisisaprocess.Takeoutyourpositiveself-talkandremindyourselfofyourgoalsinworkingwiththisperson.Thisisforyou.It’stocalmyouranxiousmind.

ResistancetoNegativeFeedbackorWorkplaceConflict

Behavioralresearchhasproventhatonlyabout18percentofthepopulationhasacoretendencytowardconflict.Theyliketodisagreeorargue.Theyenjoytellingsomeonewhat’swrongorwhattheydon’tlike.Thatleavesabout82percentdislikingconflict,tryingtoavoidit—oftenatallcosts.Unfortunately,inmostworksituationsconflictisafactoflife.You,as

supervisorormanager,mayhavetodeliverbadnews.Youmayneedtogivenegativefeedbacktoacolleagueorsubordinate.Or,perhaps,you’retheonereceivingthenegativefeedback.Perhapsaperformanceevaluationdidn’tgoasyouhadhoped,andyoulearnedyouremployerisunhappywithyou.Conflictintheworkplacecanbeanxiety-inducingformanypeople.Thinking

abouttheinteractionbeforehandandruminatingaboutitafterwardprovideyournegativeself-talkwithlotstodrawfrom!Solearningtodealwithconflicteffectivelyisacriticaljob-relatedskill.Hereagain,thekeyischangingyourself-talkfromnegativetopositive.

JustSayWhatYouMean

Therearemanyreasonspeopleavoidconflict.Somepeoplewanttobeliked.Someareafraidthevolatilityofthepersonthey’reinteractingwithwillsparkaconflict.Somedon’tknowwhatwordstouseandmayvacillatefromover-aggressiveintheircommentstooverlyniceandunclear.Itmayfeeleasiertosay“IfIignorethesituation,itwilljustgoaway”or“Nothingisgoingtochangeanywaysowhatdifferencedoesitmake?”Infact,thiswillmakethepotentialforconflictworse.Atsomepointthesituationwillforceyoutoaddressit.Thebenefittolearning

positiveself-talkasatooltoresolveconflictisthatmostpeoplefeelmuchbetteroncetheyhavebeenabletoaddressaproblem,receivecriticism,andthenmoveon.

LearningtoDealEffectivelywithConflict

Ifyouhavedeterminedthisisanareaoffocustoyou,let’swalkthroughthestepstousingpositiveself-talktodealwithconflict.

StepOne

Firstyouwanttoidentifyyourtriggers,thereactionsyouhavetoconflict-inducing,orpotentiallyconflict-inducing,situations.Whatcausesyoutofeelworry,anxiety,orfearwithregardtoconflict?Whathappenstoyouwhenyouarefacedwithaconflict?Doyoulieawakeatnight?Doyougetsweatypalmsorcoldfeet?Doyoucallinsicktoworksoyoudon’thavetodealwithit?Notethesituationsthatarouseanxietyinyou,andhowyoureacttotheminyourjournal.Takeyourtimetothinkaboutthissoyoucancaptureasmanydetailsaspossible.Ifyouaren’tinaconflict-inducingsituationrightnow,thinkaboutonefromyourpast.Thinkabouthowyoureact,whatyourmindandbodydotoyouinresponsetotheconflictorthinkingabouttheconflict.Beasclearaspossibleandcaptureasmuchasyoucan.Themoreyoucaptureinwriting,theeasieritbecomestorecognizesuchasituationthenexttime.

StepTwo

Nowthinkaboutyournegativeself-talk.Whatisitaboutdealingwithconflictorfacingcriticismthatbothersyou?Whatlanguagedoyouusetotalktoyourselfaboutit?Youmightthinkit’sobviouswhatpeoplewouldsayintheseconflictsituations,butdon’tmakethisassumption.Beclearaboutthenegativeself-talkandlistwordsyouuseinyourjournal.

StepThree

Now,afteryoureadtheinstructionsforthisnextstep,sitquietlyforaminute

Now,afteryoureadtheinstructionsforthisnextstep,sitquietlyforaminuteandcloseyoureyes.Getapictureinyourmindofthepositiveoutcomeyoudesire.Whatwouldyouliketohappeninthissituation?Ifyouneedtogivenegativefeedbacktoacoworker,forinstance,wouldyoulikehertosmileandnodandacceptyourcriticism?Ifyouanticipatereceivingnegativefeedbackinaperformancereview,wouldyouliketobeabletositconfidentlyandlistentoyourbossinanunderstandingfashion?Wouldyouliketobemoreobjectiveaboutthesituation?Whateveryouwantasanoutcomethat’sdifferentfromwhathashappenedinthepast,spendsometimepicturingitnow.Feel,think,andimaginehowdifferentlyyouwillfeelonceyouapproachconflictwithmoreconfidence.Dothisuntilyoubegintorealizethatthisoutcomecanmaterializeforyou.

StepFour

Now,practicewithpositiveself-talk.Usesome,orall,ofthefollowingormakeupsomeofyourownthatreinforceyourabilitytodealwiththeconflictandhaveasuccessfuloutcome.

“Conflictisafactoflife.Peopledealwithissuesallofthetime.Icandealprofessionallywithwhatevercomesmyway.”“Iamanadult.I’mnotachild.Beingbulliedoryelledatdoesn’taffectme.Irealizeitistheotherperson’sproblem,notmine.Ratherthangetdefensive,Iseektounderstandwhat’sgoingonwiththatperson.”“Givingandgettingnegativefeedbackorcriticismonlyallowsapersontoimprove.IfIdon’tknowwhat’swrong,orIdon’ttellotherswhat’swrong,howcananyonechange?It’simportanttobehonest.”“Somepeopledon’tmature,anditshowsintheworkplace.IhandlemyselfasanadultandletthebehaviorIdislikeinothersjustrolloffofme.”“Sharingandreceivingnegativefeedbackisimportant.Theissueswon’tgoaway,andwhentheyareraised,theycanbedealtwith.Thereisnothing

worsethanhavingsomethingsimmerandthenexplode.I’drathergetitoverwithandmoveontothenextthing.”“Workiswork.Therearemoreimportantthingstobeupsetaboutinlife.Ihaveanobjectiveviewonwork.Idon’tletitemotionallycarrymeaway.”

Ifitishelpful,youcanuseself-talkaboutaspecificpersonorsituation.Fillintheblanklinesinyourjournalwiththenameornamesofpeopleyouwanttodealwithdifferently.“______________isjustaperson.He/shegetsupeverydayjustlikeIdoand

mightevenwanttodoagoodjob.Beingafraid/fearful/resentfulof______________issilly.I’magrownupandinchargeofmyactionsandreactions.”Practicetheseself-talkoptionsuntilyoufindtheoneoronesthatfityoubest.

Itcanbehelpfultoimagineyourpositiveoutcomeandrepeatsomeoftheseself-talkaffirmationswhileyoudoit.Reinforceandreinforceuntilyoucanownthispositiveapproachtoconflictresolution.Rememberthatyouaremakingadifferentchoice.Rightnowtheconflictis

rulingyou.Thefearofit,thenegativetapesyouplayasaresultofit,theanticipationofit,islimitingyourabilitytobeeffective.Youcanmanageitdifferentlyusingthisprocessandthepositiveself-talk.Theconflictitselfislessimportantthanthestoryyoutellyourselfaboutit.Negativestoriesallowconflicttogrowandflourish.Tellyourselfdifferentstoriesandexperienceadifferentoutcome.

OvercomingtheFearofPublicSpeaking

Inordertoadvanceinmanyjobs,youmustspeakconfidentlyinfrontofgroupsofpeople.Ataminimum,inordertopresentyourcaseaboutsomething,youhavetoknowhowtospeakclearly,confidently,andinamannerthatinspiresconfidenceinothers.Publicspeakingisoneofthetopfearsamongpeopleinour

confidenceinothers.Publicspeakingisoneofthetopfearsamongpeopleinoursociety.Theideaofgettingupinfrontofaroomanddeliveringamessagecanscarethedickensoutofmanypeople.Youmightpictureyourselfforgettingwhatyouaresupposedtosay,fallingoffthestage,orhavingpeoplestareatyoublanklywithalackofinterestor,evenworse,disgust.Thenegativeself-talkkicksin,andyoubecomemoreandmoreanxious.Bythetimeyouspeak,yourpalmsaresweaty,yourheartisracing,andyourstomachisinturmoil.Youmaynothaveajobinwhichyouarerequiredtospeakinfrontofpeople,

butmasteringthisskillopensdoorsandopportunitiesthatmightotherwisebeclosedtoyou.Youmay,inthefuture,beaskedtostateyourfeelingsorideasaboutsomethingtoalargegroup.Itcouldbeatownorneighborhoodmeetingwhereyoutakethemicrophone,oraschoolboardmeetingatwhichyouwanttospeakoutonbehalfofyourchild.Itcouldbeafunctionwhereyoumakeatoasttosomeoneyoucareabout.Therearemanylifescenariosevenoutsideoftheworkplacewheremasteringyourself-talkintherealmofpublicspeakingcanserveyouwell.

LearningtoSpeakClearlyandConfidentlyinPublic

Let’swalkthroughthestepstousingpositiveself-talktocreatearelaxedviewtowardpublicspeaking.

StepOne

Firstyouwanttoidentifyyourtriggers.Whenyouthinkaboutspeakinginpublic,whathappenstoyou?Doyoufeelexcited(“Ican’twaittogetmyideasouttotheaudience”)?Ordoyoutellyourself,“Iamacrummyspeaker—Iamboundtoembarrassmyself”?Thinkaboutanupcomingsituation,apastevent,orjustimagineacircumstancewhereyouhavetospeakinpublic.Becomeawareofwhathappenstoyouphysically.Doyoulieawakeatnight?Doyouget

ofwhathappenstoyouphysically.Doyoulieawakeatnight?Doyougetsweatypalmsorcoldfeet?Noteinyourjournalhowyoureactwhenyouthinkaboutpublicspeaking.Itcanbehelpfultocloseyoureyesforafewminutesandpretendyouhaveanupcomingspeechtomake.Takeyourtimetothinkabouthowyourbodyrespondssoyoucancaptureasmanydetailsaspossibleaboutyourreactions.

StepTwo

Nowthinkaboutyournegativeself-talk.Whatisitaboutspeakinginpublicorinimportantsituationsthatbothersyou?Whatlanguagedoyouusetotalktoyourselfaboutit?Beclearaboutthenegativeself-talkandlistwordsandphrasesyouusehere.Again,takeyourtimetothinkaboutthissoyoucanbesureyouareusingwordsthatarenormalforyou.It’simportantthatyoucanrelatetowhateveryouwrite.

StepThree

Afterreadingtheinstructionsforthisnextstep,takethetimetositquietlyforaminuteandcloseyoureyes.Getapictureinyourmindofthepositiveoutcomeyoudesire.Whatwouldyouliketohavehappeninthissituation?Wouldyouliketoseepeoplenoddingtheirheadsandclappingenthusiasticallyforyou?Imaginethedetailsofthispositiveoutcome.Seeyourselfsmilingandhappyabouttheoutcome.Situpstraightasyouthinkaboutthis—beconfidentinyourbodyevenasyouimaginethescenario.Whateveryouwantasanoutcomethat’sdifferentfromwhathashappenedinthepastorwhatyoumightexpect,spendsometimepicturingitnow.Feel,think,andimaginehowdifferentlyyouwillfeelonceyouapproachpublicspeakingwithmoreconfidence.

StepFour

Nowpracticeyourpositiveself-talk.Usesome,orall,ofthefollowingor

Nowpracticeyourpositiveself-talk.Usesome,orall,ofthefollowingormakeupsomeofyourowntobuildyourconfidence.

“Iamcalmandconfidentwhenitcomestopublicspeaking.IactuallyfindIlikesharingmyideas.MyfocusisontheaudienceandthemessageIwanttodeliver,notonme.Icareabouttheirexperience.”“IpracticewhatIwanttotalkaboutsoIfeelconfidentandateaseonceIspeak.Iprepare.Itakemytimeinadvancetoensureapositiveoutcome.”“NothingisgoingtohappentomethatIcan’tdealwithinthissituation.IcanlaughatanymistakesImightmake.Eventhemostprofessional,talentedpublicspeakersmakemistakes.What’sthebigdeal?IknowwhatIneedtodoandcandealwithanyoutcome.”“IbecomebetterandbetteratpublicspeakingeachtimeIdoit.Ienjoytheopportunitytoimprovemyskillsandbecomemoretalentedatpublicspeaking.”“Icandoanythingthatsomeoneelsecando.Iseepeoplewhospeakallofthetime.Theyarenotbetterorworsethanme.Icandothisjustaseasilyasanyoneelsecandoit.Infact,Ilearnfromwatchingothersandknowwhattodotobeclearandconfidentandtomakeanimpactwithmyspeaking.”“Ifocusonmyaudience.Ifocusonwhattheyneedtolearnfromme.Ifocusonmakingmymessageunderstandableandclear.”

Repeattheseself-talkoptionsuntilyousettleontheoneoronesthatfityouthebest.Imagineyourpositiveoutcomeandrepeatsomeoftheseself-talkaffirmationswhileyoudoit.Reinforceandreinforceuntilyoucanownthispositiveapproachtopublicspeaking.Keeppracticingthepositiveself-talkoptionsuntilyoufindonethatcalms

yourmindandbody.Rememberthatit’simportanttoknowyourtriggers—thewayyouhavehistoricallyreactedtopublicspeaking—sothatwhenyoufeeltriggered,youcanbegintheprocessofpositiveself-talkandpositivevisioningtoseeadifferentoutcome.Usethepositiveself-talkasmuchasyouneedtountil

yourmindiscalmandyoufeelconfidentaboutyournextstepwithpublicspeakingandconveyingtheideasthatareimportanttoyou.

WorkinginDifficultConditions

Intoomanyjobstoday,thereisnotenoughtimetodoallthatisrequiredofyou.Theremayhavebeencutbacksintheworkforce.Whilethenumberofpeoplegoesdown,theamountofworkoftendoesnot.Thepeoplewhoareleftareaskedtotakeonmoreandmore.Becausetheywillbecutnextiftheycan’thandletheincreasedburden,theyoftendon’tfeeltheyareinapositiontosay“no.”Sotheworkcontinuestopileup,andthereisoftennoendinsight.Orperhapsyouareinasituationinwhichtoomuchchangeishappening.

There’safire-drillenvironmentinwhichyoudon’tknowwhattoexpectfromonedaytothenext.Perhapsitseemsasifnooneisinchargeorthatthepeopleinchargedon’tknowwhattheyaredoing.Perhapsyouareinchargebutfeelincapableofmanagingthechangeprocess.Ormaybeyouareinajobsituationinwhichbeingaculturalmisfitiscausing

youstressandangst.Yournaturalbehavioralstyleisnotafitforthejobyouarein,andyoumuststretchtomakeitwork.Youmightbeanoutgoingpeople-personwhoreallywantstobeinsales,butyouneededajobandsofindyourselfworkingwithanalysisandspreadsheets.Youdreadgoingineverydayandbecomedepressedorangry,feelingyourrealtalentsareunappreciated.Possibly,youareapersonwhocarespassionatelyabouttheenvironmentandrecycling,andyetyouworkforanemployerthatisdumpingchemicalsintoanearbyriver.Yourvaluesareindirectconflictwiththoseofyouremployer,andyoufeelmiscastworkingwhereyouare.Alloftheseworksituationscanleadtoananxiousmind.Butitdoesn’thave

tobethatway.Positiveself-talkcanturnthingsaroundforyou.

HateYourJob?YouAreNotAlone!AvarietyofsurveyshaveconfirmedthatmostAmericanshatetheirjobs.Asmuchas84percentofpeoplewouldleavetheircurrentemployeriftheythoughttheycould.Accordingtoonestudy,only5percentofpeoplearesatisfiedorhappyintheirjob.Whatiscausingsomuchunrestanddistress?Itcancertainlybethingslikelowpay,abadboss,ordifficultworkconditions,butnegativeself-talkisattherootofmuchofit.

Positiveself-talkallowsyoutoreframethesituation.Keepthejob,buttalktoyourselfaboutitdifferently.Seeifyoucanchangethecircumstancesbychangingtheself-talk.

ReframetheWorkSituation

Ineveryjobtherearethingsthatyoumightwanttochange.Ifyouweremadekingorqueenofyourworkplacetomorrow,youmighthaveahandylistofwhatyouwoulddoinyournewkingdom.However,it’sunlikelythatanyoneisgoingtoanointyou,soyouhavetoexamineyourotheroptions.Oneistouseself-talktoreframethesituationandlookatitdifferently.Ofcourseyoualwaysreservetherighttofindanewjob.Ifyoudecidetodo

this,referbacktotheearliersectionwithinthischaptertogetsomeideasforpositiveself-talkinthejobsearch.Thisself-talkexerciseisaboutusingpositivetoolstodealwiththeissuesyoumayencounter.Theartofreframing,whichiswhatyouarelearninginthisbookwithyourpositiveself-talk,allowsyoutotakeasituationand,withoutchangingthefactsanddataaboutit,changeyourimpressionorviewpointofit.Thismeansyou’regoingtogointothesameworkenvironmenttomorrowthatyoudidtoday,butyou’llhaveadifferentinterpretationofwhat’shappeningthereanddifferentcopingstrategiestodealwithit.

withit.

AssessingYourCurrentEnvironment

First,it’simportanttounderstandwhat’shappeninginthecurrentworkplaceorjobthatistriggeringyournegativereactions.Sometimes,especiallywithworkwhereyouspendsomuchtimethere,youbecomedesensitizedtowhat’shappeningandbegintobelieveit’syou,orthatallworkplacesarethisbad.Asafirststep,assessthecurrentconditionsinyourworkplace.IdentifywhichofthefollowingfitsyoursituationbycopyingthefollowingquestionsinyourjournalorbyhighlightingYorN:

Thereistoomuchchangeinmyworkplace Y/N

Nooneseemstobeinchargeatmyworkorthoseinchargedon’tknowwhattheyaredoing

Y/N

Iamill-fittodothejobthatIdoanditstressesme Y/N

Ijusthatemyjob Y/N

IcouldnevergeteverythingdoneevenifIworked24/7 Y/N

Myemployerhasunrealisticexpectationsofme Y/N

IdreadMonday(orwhateverdaystartsmyworkweek) Y/N

Ihatethecultureofmyfirm Y/N

Thiscompanytreatspeoplebadlyandhasnoethics Y/N

IwouldleavemyjobtomorrowifIcould Y/N

TheSelf-TalkaboutMyJob

Nowreviewthelistabove.ForwhichstatementsdidyoucircleY?Whatnegativeaspectsofthejoboryourworksituationstoodoutforyou?Doyouhaveageneralizedfeelingofhatingeverything,orareyouupsetaboutspecificthingsthatarehappeningatyourjob?Next,writeyournegativeself-talkassociatedwithyourjob.Reviewthelistor

writeaboutotherthingsthatyouhaven’tidentifiedhere.Beasdetailedasyoucanaboutexamplesofyournegativeself-talk.Whatdoyouthinkaboutyour

job,oryourworkplaceenvironment?Howdoyoufeelaboutit?Whatwordsdoyouusetotalktoyourselfaboutyourjob?

ChangetheFrame

Youmayhavemanycoworkersorcolleagueswhoagreewithyou.Thetalkaboutthebadsituationatworkmightbesoprevalentthateveryonehascometoacceptitasfact.Somethingsmayevenbefactual.Perhapsyouremployerreallyisdumpingthosechemicalsintothewater;clearlyyoudon’twanttoviewthisactionpositively.Theself-talkyouchangehereisnotaboutgivingyourbossorthecompanyyouworkforapassonbadbehavior.Ifyouremployerisengagedinunethical(orevenillegal)behavior,youmaywanttoleavethejoborthoughtfullyconfrontsomeoneabouttheseissues.Butifwhat’shappenedisthatyouhavedevelopedabadattitudeaboutyourwork,thisnextsectionwillbeveryhelpfulforyou.

TheStep-by-StepProcess

Youhavecircledsomethoughtsyouhaveaboutyourworkplace.Takeamomenttoreadtheseagainandbecomeawareofhowthinkingaboutthemtriggersyou.Doyoubecomedepressed?Doyoustarttothink“HowdidIwindupinthissituation?”or“Thereisnowayout”?Noticewhatreactionsyouhavetothinkingaboutyourwork.Captureanythoughtsnow.Ifyoucanwritethenegativeself-talkyouuse,dothatnowtoo.

StepOne

Imaginehowyouwouldliketofeelaboutyourjob.Doyouwanttogointotheofficeorworkplaceeverydayfeelingupbeatandenthusiastic?Createa

theofficeorworkplaceeverydayfeelingupbeatandenthusiastic?Createapictureofhowyou’dliketoapproachwork.Doyoucareifitisfulfilling?Doyouthinkthatyoucanmanagewhatevercomesyourway?Thatyouhavegoodrelationshipswithotherseventhroughturbulence?Whatdoyoustrivetoward,andwhatwouldsuccesslookliketoyou?

StepTwo

Nowtakeaminutetositquietlyandimaginewhatitisliketogetupinthemorningandlovewhatyoudoforaliving.Imagineyouhavethesameattitudegoingtoworkasyouwouldifyouweregoingoutonaweekendtodosomethingyoulove.Takethosesamefeelingsthatyouhavewhenyouareexcitedandenthusiasticaboutsomething,orevenjustfeelingpositiveandenergized,andtransferthemtoyourthoughtsaboutgoingintowork.Itcanbehelpfultocloseyoureyesandpicturethepositivefeelingsinanywayyoucan.However,ifyoudon’twanttodothis,that’sfine.Noteveryone“sees”picturesintheirminds.Justimaginegoodfeelings,ahappyattitudetowardwork,andconfidenceindealingwithwhatevercomesyourwayintheworkplace.

StepThree

Now,practicepositiveself-talk.Readthefollowingphrasesandseewhichonesmostfityouandyoursituationorwhichonesyoucanmostrelatetoandseemthemost“real”toyou.

“MyjobisjustaplaceIgotomakemyliving.Icanchoosetothinkofitasatemporarystop,andthereforefeeldetachedwheneverIwanttoescapefromwhat’shappeningthere.”“Icandealconfidentlyandcompletelywithanythingthatcomesmywayintheworkplace.Afterall,it’sjustwork.”

“Eventhoughmyworkisdemandingandimportant,Iamabletostepback,thinkaboutwhatIneedtodo,andthenapproachmyworkthoughtfullyandconfidently.Iamincontrolofmyactionsandreactions.”“Myattitudemakesallofthedifferenceinmyworkplace.Ichooseapositiveattitudeeveryday.Ichooseanattitudeofwantingtolearn.Ithinkofworkas‘paidlearning.’”“Allworkplaceshaveissues.Minearenoworsethananyoneelse’s.Ichoosetolookatthingsatworkobjectivelyandcalmly.”“Ibelieveinmyself.Ibelieveinmyabilities.IbelieveIcanmakeadifferenceatmyworkplacenomatterhowsmall.Ilookforwaystomakeadifferenceeveryday.”“Attitudeiseverything.Isurroundmyselfwithpositivepeopleatwork.Ifocusonwhat’sgood.Ilookforthesilverliningeveryday.”

StepFour

Nowputthisalltogether.Imagineyouarehappyinyourwork.Youareconfident.Youfeelgoodaboutwhatyoudo—whetheritismakinghamburgersatafast-foodrestaurant,investingmillionsofdollarsinthestockmarket,orlayingbrickforanewapartmentbuilding.Itdoesn’tmatterwhattheworkis;youseeyourselfapproachingworkwithconfidence,withanticipationofpositivethingsthatmighthappen,andwithanattitudeofopennessandlearning.Youcanchoosetheself-talkthatwillmakethesepicturesrealforyou.Reviewtheself-talkaboveandrepeatthewordsoverandoveragain.Letthemsinkin.Thewayyougetupinthemorninganddecidetofacetheworkdaywillhaveeverythingtodowithwhatyouencounterthere.Evenifthingsgo“wrong”(thebossgivesyoumoreworkoryellsatyou;thecomputercrashes;orthetruckyouneedisn’tworking),yourpositiveself-talkcanguideyouthroughthedaytodealwithitallmoreeffectivelyandwithmoreconfidence.Choosingtohaveadifferentattitudetowardworkandmodifyingyourself-

talkaboutitisinyourhands.Ifyou,likemostpeople,spendthemajorityof

talkaboutitisinyourhands.Ifyou,likemostpeople,spendthemajorityofyourtimeatyourworkplace,youmaywanttohaveabetterattitudetowarditandamorefulfillingexperienceofit.Byusingpositiveself-talktowardwork,yougainanewperspectiveandcalmyouranxiousmind.

CHAPTER7

DealingwithLifeChanges,CreatingLifeChanges

Manypeoplewanttomakelifechanges—betheysmallorlarge.Nomatterwhatiscurrentlyhappeninginyourlife,whetheryou’redoingwhatyouloveorstrugglingtofindapaththatfitsyou,settingandachievingpersonalgoalsisanessentialpartofyourgrowthasaperson.Butmakingacovetedchangehappencanbedifficult.Alltoooftenyougetinyourownway.Statisticsshowthatasmanyashalfthepeoplewhosetanewyear’sresolutionabandonitbythesixthmonthofthenewyear.Youprobablywanttoeffectsomesortofchange—mostpeopledo—butlearninghowtosetanobjective,movetowardit,andeventuallymeetthegoalischallengingformany.Forsomepeople,settingthegoalinthefirstplaceisthemostchallengingpartoftheprocess.Youjustcan’tevenfindthetime,space,ormotivationtositdownandfigureoutwhatyoureallywant.You’veheardthatyoushouldtakethetimetowritegoalsdownorspendtimethinkingaboutwhatyoureallywantandwhyyouwantit.Butyoujusthaven’tbeenabletogetmotivatedorfocusedenoughtodoeventhisfirststep.Yourgoalremainsvagueandundefined.Ormaybeyousetthegoal,butthenfindyourselffizzlingoutbeforeyoucan

evenseemoderatechangesstarttohappen.Youbuyexerciseequipmentandnewworkoutclothes,butafterthefirstweek,youneverusethemagain.Youwriteanewresumeandapplyforjobs,butafterthefirstthree“nos,”youabandonthejobsearchentirely.Youstartoutwithgoodintentions,andyoumayeventakesomestepstomoveyouclosertowhereyoueventuallywanttobe,butsomethinghappensalongthewayandtakesyouoffyourtrack.Oftentimeswhatstopsyoufromsettingthegoal,orinterruptsyourprocess,isthenegativeself-talk.Itcanfindallofthereasonswhythepathyouareonisn’tgoingtoleadanywhere.Itcandeteryouandmakeyouwonderwhyyoueverthoughtyou

anywhere.Itcandeteryouandmakeyouwonderwhyyoueverthoughtyoucouldheadinanewdirectioninthefirstplace.Rememberthatnegativeself-talkisverypracticedwithinyoufortellingyouwhatyoucan’tdo.Becauseofthis,inordertomakeanylastinglifechange,youhavetoovercomeyourownpersonalchallengesifyou’regoingtogettoyourdesiredgoal.

ThePowerof(Bad)Habits

Makingachangeisparticularlyhardformanypeoplebecausehumanbeingsarecreaturesofhabit.Peopleoftenpreferthetried-and-truetotheunknown.Somehowthatadage“thedevilweknowisbetterthantheonewedon’t”hasbecomeingrainedinculturalthinking.Manytimeschangeisforceduponyou,anditmaynotbesomethingyou

want.However,lifehandsusnewchallengesallofthetime.Theonlyconstantinlifeischange,soifyouaren’texperiencingsomethingnow,youlikelywillbesometimesoon.Ofcourse,thechangecouldbeforthebetter.Yourreactiontoitdictates

whethernavigatingitiseasyordifficultforyou.Whatyoumaynotrealizeisthattheself-talkaboutchangeandthechoicesyoumakeaboutitwillimpactmuchoftheeventualresult.Whengoingthroughachange,especiallyonethatisthrustuponyou,it’softenhardtomanageself-talk.Youfeela“victim”orhelplessinthefaceofthechange.Youmaynotevenrecognizetheself-talkthataccompanieseverystepyoutakealongtheway.Thefirststepisawareness.Thinkaboutwhetheryouwanttotakechargeofan

upcomingchange.Ifsomethingishappeningandyou’dprefertohaveadifferentexperienceasyougothroughit,self-talkcanbeverypowerful.Similarlyifyouwanttoeffectachangeyou’vebeenhopingtomake,self-talkcanprovidesupportandconfidenceasyoumoveforward.

Self-Talk—withAlltheWrongWords

Theimportantthingtorememberisthatself-talkcanmakeallthedifferenceonewayortheother.Youmaythinkaboutthechangeyouwanttomakeonemomentandbemotivatedtoaction,andthenfindyourselfonthecouchgluedtothetelevisionthenextmoment.Howdoesthathappen?Yourself-talkkickedinandtoldyounottobotherwiththegoal.Youwerefeelingdownanddisconsolateaboutthefutureandwantedtogiveup.Butmaybethenextday,everythingseemedbrighterandyougotbackontrack.Why?Yourpositiveself-talkreenergizedyou.Observehowthismightbehappeningtoyou,whereyouhavegoodintentions

onemomentbutthenanoppositenegativeexperiencethenext.Whenyouarewatchfulaboutit,youmayseethatitoccursmultipletimesthroughouttheday.Forexample,asdiscussedearlier,inanewyearoratabirthdaymanypeoplemakeresolutions.Youmightknowwhatyouwanttoaccomplish—losesomeweight,learnalanguage,takeamuch-desiredtrip—andsoyousetthegoalfortheyear.Whathappensnext?Formanypeople,theself-talkthathasdefeatedyou

beforerearsitsuglyheadagain.“IhaveneverbeenabletotakethattriptoParis.It’ssoexpensive.Whatmademethinkthisyearwouldbedifferent?”Youmayhavewantedtobehealthierthisyearsoyoumakethecommitmenttoeatwell,exercisemore,andlosetheweight.Andyetyoufindyourselfsittingatthekitchentableeatingaboxofcookieswithnegativeself-talkasyourcompanysaying,“ThisweighthasbeenonsinceIhadmylastchild,seventeenyearsago.I’molder.It’snevergoingtoleaveme.Imayaswelljusthaveanothercookie.Tomorrowisanotherday.”Thissortofthinghappenstoeveryone.Negativeself-talkcontinuestobring

youbacktoyourfailures.Itwantstokeepyoustuckinthegrooveyouhavebeenin.Thisiswhymakingacovetedchangecanbehard—yourself-talkdoesn’tsetyouupforsuccess.

Self-TalkastheSolution

Ifyouarecommittedtomakingachangeandreadytotakechargeofthisaspectofyourlife,let’slookathowself-talkcanbemanagedandusedtohelpyounavigateanundesiredchange,ormoveinaconfidentdirectiontowardadesiredone.Infact,themostimportantchangeyouwillmakeistotakechargeofyourself-talk.Whycontinuetobedraggeddownbythisnegativitywhenyoucanchangethestoryyoutellyourselftosomethingmorepositive,morebeneficial,thatgivesyoutheenergyanddrivetomoveforward?First,tellthatinnervoicethatyouaren’tlisteningtonegativityanymore.The

onlyvoicesyouwanttolistentoaretheonesguidingyouandtellingyouwhereyouneedtogoandwhat’sgoodforyou.Youcanselectwhatyouwillfocusonandwhatyouwillsaytoyourself.Youcanchoosetolistenonlytothosevoicesthattellyouhealthy,positivethingsthatpropelyouforward.Uninvitethosenegativenaysayersandinviteinthevoiceswhosay“Iammovingforward.Iamtakingtherightstepseverydaytowardmygoals.IamenergizedandenthusedaboutwhereIamgoingnext!”

StepOne

Youwanttoknowwhereyouaregoing.What’sthegoalyoudesire?First,identify,inwriting,whatyou’dliketoaccomplishorwhatanewyouwouldlooklikeorbeexperiencing.Lookatwhat’shappeningnow.Identifyspecificallywhatyou’dliketochange.Catchyourselfandreviewyourthoughtsrightnow.Inthismoment.Didyou

think,Thisneverworksforme!Infact,Ihatewritingthingsdown.Ordidyouthink,Iamfinallygoingtofocusonthis!Alldaylongwehaveaconversationwithourselveswithoutevenknowingwearedoingit.Beforeyougoanyfurther,deliberatelysuspendyourthinking.Howdoyoudo

Beforeyougoanyfurther,deliberatelysuspendyourthinking.Howdoyoudothis?Byclearingyourmindofanythoughts—goodorbad.Itmeansnotmentallyrunningaheadandthinkingaboutwhat’snextorruminatingoverwhatishappeningrightnow.Letanythoughtsyouhaveflowthrough,asifyourmindisasieve,leavingyouopenandreceptive.Readthewordswrittenherebutdon’tdwelltoolongonthem.Don’tjudgeanythingortalktoyourselfaboutit.Ifyoufindyourselftalking,orreacting,reviewwhatyoulearnedinChapter3aboutrecognition.Muchofthepracticetoturnnegativeself-talkintopositiveself-talkistorecognize,choosetosuspendjudgment,andthenbedeliberateaboutwhatyouwantyourmindtofocuson.Nowproceedwiththeassessment.Usingyourjournalornotesfeature,fillinthefollowinginasmuchdetailas

youcanaboutthechangeyouwanttomake

1. IfIcouldchangeanythinginmylife,Iwouldchange:2. IfIdidwhatIwanttodo,successwouldlooklikethistome:

Nowsitquietly.Ifyouwantto,closeyoureyes.Takeamomenttopictureinyourmindwhatthisgoalorchangedstatelooksliketoyou.Howdoyoufeelaboutit?Whatdoyouthinkaboutonceyou’vereachedthischangedstate?What’shappeningthere?Whatemotionsdoyouassociatewithit?Ifyoucan,writedownsomequalitativeandquantitativethingsthatwillhappenonceyougettothisnewstate.

StepTwo

Nowlet’sexploreyourself-talkaroundgoalsettingandchangemanagement.Youhaveidentifiedyourgoal.Youhaveputitinwritingandcanvisionitsomehowforyourfuture.It’stimetoassesswhatyourself-talksaysaboutyourabilitytomeetthisgoalandbesuccessful.Todothisexercise,besureyouareinaplacewithnodistractions.Youneed

sometimetofocus,sodon’tstartthiswhenyou’vegoterrandstorunorsomeonemightringyourdoorbellorcallyourphone.Asyouthinkaboutthis

someonemightringyourdoorbellorcallyourphone.Asyouthinkaboutthisgoalandimaginethechangeyouwanttomake,listthefollowingideas.

1. Myworriesaboutmakingthischangeinclude:2. Mybiggestfearaboutthischangeis:3. ThewordsIusetodescribemyfear/worry/concernaboutthischange

include:

Acknowledgethattheseareyourobstacles.Youwanttoownthembutthenreleasethem.Lookatthelistofthingsyouhavewrittenandsaytoyourself,“Iusedtoworryaboutthesethings.Myattitudeisshifting,andIhaveadifferentbeliefsystemnow.Myself-talkaboutmakingadesiredchangeispositiveandenergizingtome.”Next,identifyspecificallywhyyoucanmakethischangehappenandwhyit

willworkforyou.Ifthechangeisimportanttoyou,therearereasonsyoubelieveyoucandoit,andyouwanttodoit.

1. I’mconfidentIcanmakethischangebecause:2. Ihavedonesimilarthingsinthepastlike:3. Thisisanimportantchangeformetomakebecause:

Nowlookatbothlists.Circleorhighlightthosewordsthatresonatewithyou—thosethatarenegativeandthosethatarepositive.Choosethewordsthattriggeryouthemosttothepointthatyouhaveavisceralreactiontothem.Thinkaboutwhatthesewordsmeantoyou.Whatassociationscometoyoufromthesewords?Aretheyformedbygoodorbadpastexperiences?Thinkaboutwhytheyhaveaweightwithyou.Writeanythoughtsaboutthosewordsinyourjournalorinthenotesfeatureofyoure-reader.Mynegativetriggers:Mypositivetriggers:Youespeciallywanttotakenoteofthosenegativetriggers.Thosewordsmay

creepinatsomepointtotellyouwhythisisn’tgoingtoworkandpersuadeyou

creepinatsomepointtotellyouwhythisisn’tgoingtoworkandpersuadeyouthatyouneedn’tevenbothertrying.Fromnowon,youwillbeattunedtothem.Everytimeyouhearone,youmustmakeaconsciousdecisiontorejectit.Ifnegativeself-talkstartstocreepin,youcansay,forexample,“IusedtoworrythatIdidnothaveself-confidence,butmybeliefsystemhaschanged.NowIknowIamconfidentenoughtomakearrangementstotraveltoParisonmyown.”Usewhateverwordsfityoursituation.Keepnoticingthenegativewordsandideasandreplacingthemwithyourpositivewords.Referbacktoyourlistsasoftenasnecessarytoensureyouarepullinginwordsandthemesthatarealreadytriggersforyou.

StepThree

Nowitistimetoexaminewhatchoicesyouhavetohelpyoumanagethischangeorgettothisdesiredgoal.Getverypracticalhere.Whatcanyoudotoobviateyourworries?Whattoolsorresourcesmightyouhavethatwillhelpyouonyourjourney?Youwillwanttousepositiveself-talktotellyourselfyouareresourceful,youareabletofindsolutions,andyoucanfigureoutthenecessarystepsyouneed.Youcanmanagethis!Makealist:

1. WhatIcandotoovercomemyconcerns:2. Thetools/resourcesIpossess:

StoppingNegativityinItsTracksPartofthepowerofpositiveself-talkishavingsomethingtooffsetanegativethoughtornegativereaction.Asyoumovealongthepathofchange,aworrywillpopintoyourmind.“Ican’tdothis.It’stoohard.”Haveyourlistinfrontofyou.Whatcanyoudotoovercomeaworry?Whattoolsdoyoupossess?Usetheselistsasyourguideposts.Keepthemclosebysoyoucangrabthemwheneveryouneedthem.Whenthenegativeself-talkcomesin(anditwillcomein,sobeprepared!),youhaveoffsettingideastodealwithit.

in,sobeprepared!),youhaveoffsettingideastodealwithit.

CASESTUDY

Let’sconsiderJocelyn,asinglemother,forty-sixyearsoldwithtwochildren.Latelyshe’sstartedtofeeloutofbreathandoutofshape.Soonherlastbirthdayshetoldherself,“I’mgoingtoloseweight.I’mgoingtogotothegymregularly,eathealthyfood,andfindaphysicallyandmentallychallenginghobby.”It’stwomonthslater,andshe’ssittingatthekitchentable,feeling

gloomyandoutofsorts.Infrontofherisaboxofcookies,mostofthemgone.Whathappened?Negativeself-talk,that’swhat.Jocelynwasallsettomakeabig

changeinherlifestyle,andthenshebegantotellherself,“ThisweighthasbeenonsinceIhadmylastchild,seventeenyearsago.I’molder.It’snevergoingtoleaveme.Imayaswelljusthaveanothercookie.Tomorrowisanotherday.”Jocelynhasletherselfbeguidedbyhernegativeself-talk.Butthe

changeinherlifeistooimportantforhertoputitoffanylonger.Instead,sheresolvestotellthatinnervoicethatshe’snotlisteningtonegativityanymore.Instead,sherealizesthatshecanproactivelyselectwhatshewillfocusonandwhatshewillsaytoherself.Shewilllistenonlytothosevoicesthattellherhealthy,positivethingsthatpropelherforward.Shesaystoherself,“Iammovingforward.Iamtakingtherightstepseverydaytowardmygoals.IamenergizedandenthusedaboutwhereIamgoingnext!”

NowJocelynsetshergoal.Shethinks,Iwanttobetwenty-fivepoundslighter.Ialsowanttobefitter.Iwanttogoupaflightofstairswithoutpuffing.AndIwanttolookgoodinanicedress.Iwanttobeabletobuyprettyclothes,notshapelessonesthathidemyfigure.AndIwantpeopletonoticemeandthinkabouthowgreatIlook.Ofcourse,onepartofhermindsays,“Thisneverworksforme!These

areimpossiblegoals.”Butthestrongervoice,theoneJocelynchoosestolistento,says,“Iamfinallygoingtofocusonthis!Myhealthisimportant,andI’mgoingtobehappierwhenIlosethisweightandhaveahealthylifestyle.”Jocelynreviewsherlisttoseewhatchoicesshehasandhowpositive

self-talkcanhelpher.Inthepastwhenshewastiredordepressed,shesatdowninher

kitchenandate—usuallysomethingunhealthy.Nowshe’sgoingtomakeadifferentchoice.She’sgoingtoleavethekitchenandtakeawalk.Whenshe’supsetaboutsomethingorfeelingdown,sheputsonearphones,listenstoupbeatmusic,walksoutthedoortogetexercise,andremindsherselfaboutherweightlossgoal.Asshedoesso,shetellsherself,“Thisisgoodforme.I’menergized.I

canfeelthecaloriesburningaway.Icanfeelmyheartandmyothermusclesworking,toning,makingmestronger.”Jocelynhasstartedtomovefromadefeatedstance,toamorepositive,

“WhatcanIdonext?”approach.Eachtimeshefeelslikegivingin,shethinksabouttheoptionsshehasavailable.Shekeepsalistofthemonherrefrigeratordoorsoshecanrefertothemeasily.Afteracoupleofdaysofthinking(andexercising),Jocelyn’slist

lookslikethis:

WhatIcandotoovercomemyconcerns:

EverytimeIfeelcompelledtoeatfoodthatisn’tgoodforme,Itakeawalkinstead.Icanremovefatteningfoodfrommycupboards.Icanbeamoredeliberateshopperandchoosesnacksandfoodthatarehealthyforme.Icanfindabuddytoexercisewith.

Thetools/resourcesIpossess:

Thepowerofmymind—Icansaymorepositivethingslike:“Weightlossisaprocess.EverydayItakeonestepclosertomygoal.”Or,“Imakegooddecisionswhenitcomestofoodchoices.”Accesstonutritionalwebsites(JocelynlistssomeURLshereforeasyconvenience)

TheitemsonthelistserveasJocelyn’sguideposts,showingherthepathtohergoal,givinghercomfort,andremindinghershecandoit.She’seliminatedthosenegativevoicesbyreplacingthemwithpositive,morepowerfuloptions.

FindingYourBliss

Next,let’slookatanotheraspectoflifechangeandthenreviewhowyoucantakechargeofyourself-talktobreakthroughonceandforall.Let’sexaminedealingwithlifedisappointments,uncoveringroadblocks,andidentifyingyourbliss.Itseemsformanypeoplelifeisaseriesofonedisappointmentafteranother.

Haveyoueversaidtoyourself,“IfIdidn’thavebadluck,I’dhavenoluckatall”?Youmightsetoutwithpositiveintentionandbeupbeatandexcitedabout

all”?Youmightsetoutwithpositiveintentionandbeupbeatandexcitedaboutwhat’snext,butthenfindyourselfdealingwiththesamesetbackoverandover.Forsomepeoplethiscanoccurwhentheyaremovingfromjobtojob,neverfindingthatrightfitforthem.Forothers,itmanifestsasyo-yodieting,watchingthatweightgoupanddownfrommonthtomonth.Somepeoplestruggletofindtheloveoftheirlifeonlytorealizethatpersonwasn’ttherightoneafterall.Manypeople,facedwiththis,wonder“What’swrongwithme?”orblametheworldfortheirtrouble.Ifyoudon’tfeelthejoiedevivreinyourlife,it’stimetousethepowerof

self-talktogetoffthesidelinesandstartenjoyingyourblissinlife.Let’slookatstepsyoucantaketofindyourpersonalbliss:theplacewhereyoufeelcontent,andhappywithyourlife.Itisattainable,butonlybyusingpositiveself-talkandfocusingonwhat’sworking.

StepOne

Whatisyourbliss?Howwouldyoudefineit?Whatwouldmakeyougetupinthemorningandfeellikesingingwiththebirds?Evenifyouhavesetyourgoalsandaremovingconfidentlyinthedirectionofyourdreams,youwanttoknowwhatyourblisslookslike.Blissisdefinedastheplacewhereyoufeelcontent,peaceful,andhaveasenseofjoy.Itisthedifferencebetweenmovingawayfromsomethingandmovingtowardsomething.Asafirststep,youwanttoidentifywhatyouwanttomovetoward.Whatdrawsyou?Beclearaboutwhatyoureallycareabout,andwhereyouwanttobe.Definingyour“bliss”canbehard.Mostpeopleknowwhattheydon’twant,butdon’ttakethetimetothinkaboutwhattheydowant.Takethetimetopictureyourbliss—defineit.Now,turntothedisappointment(s)youmayhavesufferedandwhereyour

questforblisshashistoricallygoneawry.Whathappened?Writeitdowninyourjournal:

1. IthoughtIwasgoingtoachieve/accomplish/getthis...2. InsteadIgotthis...

Reviewthestepsyoutooktogetwhereyouthoughtwouldbegoodforyou.Wasthereacertainpointatwhichtheprocessstartedtogoawry?Canyoudiagnosewhereyouwentofftrack?Whatself-talkaccompaniedtheprocess?Thinkaboutwhatyoubelievedaboutyourgoal:

1. IfeltconfidentIwasdoingtherightthingbecause...2. Ibelievethisaboutmyjourney...

It’simportanttouncoveryourbeliefsaboutyourselfandaboutlife.Sometimestheseareself-limitingthoughtsandbehaviorsthatstopusbeforeweevenstartanewjourney.Don’thesitatetolookatthese.It’simportanttobringthemtothesurfaceandexaminethem.Don’trejectthemorsay,“Ishouldn’tthinkthisway.”Insteadbringthemupsoyoucanformallyuninvitethem!

StepTwo

Settheobjectivedifferentlythistime.Insteadoffindingtheloveofyourlife,thejobyoudesire,orthelifestyleyouwant,lookatthebigpicture.Whatmakesyouhappy?Whydoyoudesirecertainthings?Whatreallymatterstoyou?Let’stakealoveinterest.Somepeoplemightsay,“Ijustwanttomeet

someone.Iamtiredofbeingalone.”Thisisarecipefortrouble.Ifyousettleforsomeone—anyone—itwon’tbelongbeforeyoufindoutthatthispersonisnotwhatyouwantedafterall.Thatprovidesanopeningforyournegativeself-talk.Littlevoicesstarttowhisperthatyoujustcan’tattractagoodmate.It’sbettertobeclearfromthestartaboutwhatyouwant.Whatqualitiesina

lovedonereallymattertoyou?Whatdoyouwanthimtocareabout?Whatvaluesdoyouwanthertohave?Whatdoyouwanttodotogether?Whatquestionsdoyouwanttoaskher?Whatdoyouwantyourparentstothinkwhentheymeethim?Paintapicturethatisclearandspecificandthattakesinto

theymeethim?Paintapicturethatisclearandspecificandthattakesintoaccountproblemsanddisappointmentsfromyourpast.Writeyourthoughtsabouthowyouwouldlikeittolookinyourjournal.Nowchoosepositiveself-talktohelpguideyouandkeepyouontrack.

Reviewthelisthere,ormakeupafewstatementsofyourown.

“Imovewithintentiontowardmydreams.”“Iamabletoreachablissfulplaceinmylife.”“Ideservetobehappy.Imovetowardhappinesseveryday.”“Iamcarefulaboutmychoices.Idothingsthatbenefitmeandmovemeclosertomybliss.”“Icanchoosetobehappynow.”“Happinessisastateofmind.Mystateofmindisfocusedonhappiness.”

StepThree

Nowputitalltogether.First,besuretopostyourdesiredoutcomewhereyoucanviewitoften.Cutoutpicturesofyourbliss.Haveascreensaveronyourcomputerortabletthatremindsyouofwhatyouhopetoachievewhenyoureachyourownpersonalnirvana.Rememberthatyourblisscouldcomefrommasteringpositiveself-talkandlearningtotakelifemorepositivelyoverall,withoutreallychanginganythingexceptyourmindsetandresponsestolife.Spendaminimumoffifteenminutesthreetimesadaysittingquietlyand

sayingyourpositiveself-talkstatements.Ifyoucanfindaquietspotandcloseyoureyes,trytorelaxandfocusyourmindonwhatyoudowant.Focusonwhereyouwanttobeandthegoodfeelingsandthoughtsyouwillhaveonceyougetthere.Imagineyourselfinablissfulstate,feelinggoodaboutlifeandgoodaboutwhereyouare.Keepthepositiveself-talkgoingatalltimes.Carrytheaffirmationswithyou

toremindyourselfwhenyouneedthem.Whenyoufeelyourselfindangerofgivingintonegativeself-talk,makeaconsciouschoicetostop.Becomeaware

givingintonegativeself-talk,makeaconsciouschoicetostop.Becomeawareofthelanguageyouusethatdefeatsyou.Sometimesitcanbeusefultohaveaphysicalinterruptiontonegativeself-

talk.Whenyourecognizethatthosebadvoiceshavetakenover,shakeyourbodyasifyouwereliterallyshakingoffthenegativityandallowingyourselftoopentomorepositiveoptions.Youcanalsojumpupanddowntoreleasethenegativeself-talk.Imaginethatyouareaduckandyouarecoveredwithwater.Shakeyourfeathersandyourtailtogetthewateroff.Itdoesn’tmatterifyou’resittingdownorstandingup.Shake,shake,shakeuntilyoufeelthenegativityreleasing.Then,veryimportantly,replaceitwiththepositiveself-talksuggestionsyouhaveworkedon.Whateveryoudo,dosomethingphysicaltosendamessagetoyourmindfrom

yourbody,becausethenegativecyclehastobebroken.Rememberthat,totakeonanewhabit,youmayhavetospendaminimumof

twenty-onedaysconsistentlypracticingit.Especiallywhenitcomestofindingyourbliss,itwon’tchangeovernight.Youwillwanttocontinuetopracticeandreinforceyournewbehaviorseverychanceyougetinordertoworktowardtheblissfulstateyoudesire.

CHAPTER8

ManagingStressfulSituations

Formanypeopleexperiencingstressseemsasnaturalaseatingorsleeping.Infact,overeating,sleeplessnights,andachesandpainsareoftenadirectresultofstress.Whilesomestressisinnate—thinkaboutthefight-or-flightresponseallhumanbeingspossess—alotofthestressyouexperiencezapsyourenergyandmakesyoulesseffective.Ifyouwereexperiencingappropriatestresslevels,youwouldstillhaveenergyforotherthings.Unfortunately,asaresultofunwantedstress,youmaybeburningthroughyourenergy,feelingasdrainedasadishragmostofthetime.Whendifficultsituationsarise,youcannotcopebecauseyouareexhaustedanddepleted.Theissueofself-talkrelatedtostressisabitlikethechickenandtheegg.

Whichcomesfirst?Doesyournegativeself-talkraiseyouranxietyandresultingstresslevels,ordoestheexistenceofstressinyourlifeleadtonegativeself-talkandself-flagellation?Whileitcanbeinterestingtoponder,it’snotimportanttosolvethisproblem—weknowtheybothfeedononeanother.Whatisimportantistofigureoutwhat’striggeringthestress.That’stheplacewherenegativeself-talkstartsinandleadsyoudownanegativepath,resultinginmoreandmorestress.Youknowbynowthatyournegativeself-talkhurtsthesituation.Itclouds

yourviewandlimitsyouroptions.Youalsoknowthatonceyouidentifyyourtriggers,youcanseewhennegativeself-talkstarts,stopitinitstracks,turnitintopositiveself-talk,andgiveyourselfmoreoptionsformanagingstress.

WatchingItUnfold

Thinkaboutasituationthatcausesyousomeanxiety.Youknowthefeeling—youbegintogetnervous.Yourpalmsmightgetsweaty.Yourbreathingbecomesshallowandrapid.Youmayhaveanervoustic,orperhapsyoubiteyourfingernails.Youmaytalktoofastorbeunabletospeakcoherently.Youmaybegintoimagineterriblethingshappening.Yourpulsequickensandyourthroattightenseventhoughnothingappearstobewrong.Thisishowstressworks.Youmayneversaytoyourself,“I’mstressed.”You

maynotnoticehowstressbuildsovertimeandtakesmoreandmoreofyourenergyaway.Youjustrealizeatsomepointthatyoufeelawful.Theheadachestakeatoll;youpoptoomanystomachacidpills;andyoucan’tfallasleepatnightnomatterwhatyoutry.

Say“Hello!”toYourNegativeSelf-Talk

Negativeself-talklovesstress.Itlovestofeedonstressfulsituationsandusethemtotellyouwhyyourlifeisamess.It’sacuriousdynamic.Youmightthinkyournegativeself-talkgivesyouideasforgettingoutofthestress,thatitisacompaniontohelpyouanalyzewhat’sgoingon.Butinrealitythenegativeself-talkfeedsonyourstressfulstate,andyourstressfulstateincreaseswiththenegativeself-talk.Youloseyourabilitytodealeffectivelywithlife.It’simportanttonoticewherenegativeself-talkkicksinduringtimesofstress

sothatyoucancatchitandturnyourattentiontomorepositiveself-talk.Let’slookatanumberofsituationsthatpeopledealwithrelatedtostress.

ActingOutStress

Inmanypanicattacks,stressmanifestsinaphysicalform.Youfeelacrushingweightonyourchestasifyouarehavingaheartattack.Youmayperspireorbreatheinanexaggeratedfashion.Youmaydeveloptics,tapyourfingers

breatheinanexaggeratedfashion.Youmaydeveloptics,tapyourfingersrapidly,orconstantlycrossanduncrossyourlegs.Whicheveroftheseexperiencesyoumayrelateto,theyhaveonethingincommon—yourbodygetsinvolved.Youhaveaphysicalreactionorsensationinresponsetothestressthat’sdrivingyou.Ifyouwereabletostepoutsideyourbody,forexample,youcouldseethenervoustic.Youcouldseeyourselfgrabyourchestasyoutrytoalleviatethecrushingweightyoufeel.Thegoodnewsisthatyoucanbegintoseeyourpatterns.Youcanbeginto

diagnosehowyouandyourbodyreacttothestressfulstate.Thinkaboutyourstressfulreactions.Whathappenstoyou,physically,when

yougetsostressedorsopanickedthatyouareunabletofunction?Writeitdown.Forexample,youmightwrite,“IhaverandompanicattackswhenIamdrivingonthehighwaylateatnight.Istarttoperspireandhyperventilate.IhavetoopenthewindowandletairinbecauseIbecomeoverheatedandhaveahardtimefocusingondriving.”Writeanythingyouareawareofinyourjournal.Ifyouaren’tsurehowyoureact,carryasmallnotebookortypenotesonyour

smartphoneorsomeotherdevice.Whenyourecognizeaphysicalreactioncomingon,notewhathappens.Howdoyoureact?Whatfeelingsdoyouhave?Whatphysicalreactionoccurs?Notetheseastheyhappenandlookforpatterns.Don’tdiagnosethe“why”;justobservewhathappenssoyoucanbecomemorefamiliarwithyourownpatterns.

RecognizingtheSigns

It’shardto“stepoutside”yourselfandpullbackonceyouarefullyinthegripofthestressfulstate.Forthisreason,youshouldworkonrecognizingtheonsetofthephysicalsymptoms.Youwanttoknowwhenthepressureisbeginningtomount.Youwanttorealizethatyourstresslevelsareescalatingsoyoucanmakedifferentchoices—butinordertorealizeit,youmustrecognizehowitmanifests

differentchoices—butinordertorealizeit,youmustrecognizehowitmanifestswithinyou.Thereisnoone-size-fits-allapproach.Youmustbeabletodiagnoseorassess

howsituationsimpactyou.Onlywhenyouareabletoseewhathappenstoyoucanyoudecidetomakedifferentchoicesandbringpositiveself-talkintohelpyou.Onceyouhaverecognizedthephysicalreactions,backuptowhattriggers

them.Youhavelearnedalotabouttriggersinthisbook,andyoushouldcontinuetoquestionyourtriggersthatstarttopullyoudowntheproverbialrabbitholeandintoincreasinglynegativeself-talk.Thinkaboutthesituationsthatstressyou.Whathappensrightbeforeyoustarttohavethephysicalreactions?Doyouthinkaboutsomething?Doyouexperiencesomething?Doessomethinggowrong?Oraretheysimplyrandom?Youcan’treallypinpointwhatstartsthecycleandallowsyournegativeresponsestocomeuponyou?Therearenorightorwronganswershere.It’swhatyouexperience.Noteanythingyouareawareofinyourjournal.

HoldingYourNegativeReactionsAccountable

Next,thinkaboutthesenegativereactionsas“visitors.”Thephysicalreactionsyouhavearetemporaryresidentsinyourbody,buttheydon’treallybelongtoyou.Thesituationsmaybereal,butthestressfulautomaticresponsesarenot.Thesearelearnedbehaviors.Theyarereactionsyouhavepracticedandyouhavebeguntowearasyourown,butyoucanchooseatanytimetouninvitethemandmakeadifferentchoice.Positiveself-talkcanhelpyoudothis.Whenitcomestostress,herearesomeofthepositiveself-talkoptionsyou

haveavailabletoyou.Youwillwanttocalluponthesewhenyouknowyouareenteringintoastressfulsituationorwhenyourbodyremindsyouthatanegativevisitorhastakenupresidencethere.

StepOne

Reviewthislistandcirclethosepositiveself-talkstatementsthathavemeaningtoyou.Asyoureadeachline,whichonesinducepeaceforyou?Whichonesresonatewithyouandseemtocalmyou?Whichonescanyoujustrelateto?

“Thistooshallpass.Thisisapointintime;itisn’tmywholelife.”“IambiggerthananysituationIface.Iwasmadetodealwithmylifeandeverythingthatcomestome.”“Iamcalm.Iamconfident.Icontrolmyownreactions.”“Gettinguptightdoesn’thelpme.Itbringsmedown.Imakedifferentchoicesnow.”“Ihavethechoicetotakedeepbreaths.Slowlybreathingin,slowlybreathingout.Eachbreathoutremovesthetoxinfrommybody,andeachbreathinreplacesitwithcalming,healingcomfort.”“EverytimeIgiveintoanxietyandstress,Ilosemyedge.Ikeepmyedgeandamincontrol.”“Igointomypersonalzone.Iamstrong.Iaminchargeofmylifeandmyreactions.”“Thenegativefeelingsthatvisitmedon’tbelongtome.Iuninvitethem.Iinviteinonlypositive,healthyreactions.Mybodyisclear;mymindisclear;andIfeelgood.”

StepTwo

Asyoureviewthislistofpositiveself-talkoptions,circletheonesthatresonatewithyou.Ifnoneseemtofit,writeavariationofanyofthemthatfeelsmorealignedwithyou.Youwillwanttopracticetheseuntiltheybecomemantrasforyou.Inothercaseswithinthisbook,youhavelookedatsomespecificsituationsforwhichyoumightbeabletoprepareorhaveaplaninadvance.Inthecaseofpanicattacks,generalizedanxietydisorder,OCD,orthe

advance.Inthecaseofpanicattacks,generalizedanxietydisorder,OCD,orthelike,youmaynotknowwhenthestresswillcomeuponyou.Youcouldbewalkingdownthestreetonabeautifulsunnyday,andallofasuddenthepanicattackjumpsyoufrombehind.Becauseofthis,it’simportanttodevelopamantra.It’simportanttohavesomepositiveself-talkstandingattheready,waitingforyoutocalluponit.Workinwaysthroughoutyourdaytopracticethesemantrassoyouareina

positiontocalluponthematanypointintime.Becauseyouwillneedtocloseyoureyes,readtheseinstructionsthroughacoupleoftimessoyouknowwhattodo.Whenyouareready,beginthisexercise.Thisonerequiresanongoingcommitment.Becauseyoudon’tknowwhenyouwillneedit,youmustpracticethe“waiting”andpreparingeveryday.

StepThree

Findaquietplacetositdownforafewminuteseachday.Dothisatleastthreeorfourtimesperdayforatleastthreetofiveminutesatatime.Threetimestakeadeepbreathinandpictureclean,cleansingairfillingyourlungsandyourbody.Whenyouexhale,pictureallstress,allnegativity,andallconcernleavingyourbody.Breathethiswayuntilyouactuallyfeelyourbodygettingcalmerandmorepeaceful.Whenyouareready,andyourbreathingisdeepandcalming,closeyoureyes.

Sitforafewminutesandfocusonyourbreath.Imaginethatyoucanseetheairasitfillsyourlungsandasitleaveswhenyouexhale.Focusonlyonthebreath;ifthoughtsorwordscomeintoyourmind,gentlypushthemaway.Imaginethereisamanwithabroominsideyourhead.Hegentlysweepsawayanythoughtsthatwanttovisit.Ifyouhaveaphobiatowardbrooms—ormen—imagineanotherimagelikethisthatworksforyou.Asyousitquietly,repeatyourmantratoyourselfoverandover.Youmaysay

itquietlyunderyourbreathasawhisper,oryoumaysayitonlyinyourheadwithoutspeakingoutloudatall.Asbestyoucan,picturethewordsasyousay

withoutspeakingoutloudatall.Asbestyoucan,picturethewordsasyousaythem.Somepeopleliketoaddamusicaltonetothewords,andsomeliketochantthem.Someliketoaddmodulationorasombertone.Whateverhelpsyoutograbthesewords,makesthemstick,andgivesthemimpactisrightforyou.Besuretospendtheentirethreetofiveminuteswiththismantra.Feelyour

bodyatpeace.Thinkabouthowthedeepbreathingcalmsyou.Don’trushthroughthis.Evenwithallyouhavetodo,ninetotwelveminutesoutofyourdayisn’tgoingtoputyoufartherbehind.Insteadyoumayfindonceyoufinishtheexercisethatyouareclearerandmoreenergizedtofinishwhatyouhavetodo.It’scriticallyimportanttodothisexerciseeverysingleday.Youwanttobe

preparedforthestressorswhentheycomevisit.Youmusthaveaplantotakeadifferentpathofaction.

CASESTUDY

Whatdoesthislooklikeinaction?Let’smeetLeonard.He’stwenty-nineyearsoldandworksinatopfinancialfirminNewYork,wheredailyhejugglesmillionsofdollars.Hisjobisconsuming,andasaresultofithe’sunderconstantstress.Latelyit’sbecomedebilitatingtothepointthathe’smadesomecostlymistakesanddrawntheunwelcomeattentionofhissupervisors.Increasingly,Leonardissubjecttopanicattacks.Hewakesinthe

middleofthenight,feelingsomethingmassivepressingdownonhischest.Thesheetsaredrenchedinsweat;hisforeheadisclammy;andhisthroatisdry.Hisheartisracing,butaccordingtohisphysicianhe’snothadaheartattack.Rather,he’sunderextremestress.ApartofLeonard’sbrainisconstantlynagginghim:“You’renotthat

ApartofLeonard’sbrainisconstantlynagginghim:“You’renotthatgoodatwhatyou’redoing.Supposeyoumakeahugemistake?Supposeyourclientslosetheirentireinvestment?Supposeyouloseyourjobandwordgoesaroundthestreetthatyou’reunreliable?Youcouldloseeverything:thegreatManhattanapartment,thecoolcar,theRolexwatch.”Thisisnegativeself-talkfeedingallofLeonard’sdoubtsandinsecurities.Butnowheknowshe’sgottobreakthecycle.Hesitsdowninhis

kitchenandjotsdownonapadaseriesofpositivestatementsabouthimself.

“I’mgoodatmyjob.That’swhyI’moneoftheyoungesttradersinthefirm.”“EverydayImakemoneyformyclientsbyusingmyskillsandknowledge.”“Ihaveagreatlife—andwithhardworkandperseverance,Icankeepitgreat.”

Hegoestothelivingroom,hisfavoriteroomintheapartment.Withsomemusicplayingveryquietlyinthebackground,hedrawsthecurtainssotheroomisinpartialdarkness.Thenhesitsinachair,comfortableandcalm,breathinginandout,imaginingallhisstressandconcernsflowingawayfromhisbody.Softlyhesayshisthreemantras,repeatingthemoverandoverforfive

minutes.Attheend,hespendsanotherminutebreathingcalmly,enjoyingthesilence.Repeatingthisroutineatthebeginningandendofeveryday,Leonardstarts

tofindthatthesymptomsofhispanicattacksareeasing.Hispositiveself-talkisturningaroundhislife.Heisclearerandmorefocusedathisjob,andasaresultheismakingbetterdecisions.Hisbossnowseeshimasmoreconfidentandincontrol.

PracticeMakesPerfect

Youmaywanttowriteyourpositiveself-talkonacardthatyoucarrywithyou.Oryoumaywanttopostseveralnotesaroundtoremindyouofyourmantra.Themoreyouaccessit,theeasieritwillbetocalluponitwhenyouneedto.Thenextimportantstepistobringitintothepicturewhenthephysicalreactiontostressstartstovisityou.Becomeawareofthesituationsthatstressyouout.Ifyouknowyoutendto

havethepanicattackwhiledrivingatnight,practiceyourpositiveself-talkforafewminutesbeforeyougoout.IfyouhaveOCDandknowthatyouarepronetorevisityourhomeseveraltimestoassureyourselfthateverythingisasitshouldbe,practicethesayingseachtimeyouarereadytoleave.Inordertomakepositiveself-talkworkforyou,youmustassesswhereyouneeditandprepare.

PreparingforStressfulLifeSituations

Wetalkedearlieraboutageneralizedstressreaction.Itcanhappenanywhereatanytimewithoutmuchnotice.Ofcourse,sometimesyou’llknowsomethingpotentiallybadisgoingtohappen.Oftenyouhopeforthebestbutexpecttheworst.Yournegativeself-talkhelpsratchetupyouranxietyinthesesituations.Infact,theoutcomecanbepositiveornegative,butyournegativeself-talkwillalwaysassureyouthattheworstiswaitingforyouaroundthecorner.Thetruthisthattherearedifficultsituationsinlife.Thereissadnessandpain.

Peoplewelovedie.Peoplegetsickandsuffer.Peoplelosejobsandspouses.Positiveself-talkdoesn’tdeludeyouintothinkingthatlifeisn’tlife.Youwon’tpretendthateverythingisbeautifulwhenitisn’t.Whatpositiveself-talkcandoishelpyougetthroughthesedifficultorsadsituationswithadifferentattitude.

ishelpyougetthroughthesedifficultorsadsituationswithadifferentattitude.Itcanhelpfocusyourattention,clarifyyourideas,andgiveyouenergytocompletewhatevertaskslieahead.Thinkaboutsomeoneyouknowwhowasterminallyillbutmaintaineda

positiveattitude.Thatpersondidn’tbelievethepositiveattitudewould“save”him,buthewantedtoenjoywhatevertimehehadleft.Thinkaboutpeoplewhohavebeenthroughadivorcebutchosetoremainfriendsevenjustforthesakeoftheirkids.Thinkaboutsomeonewhomighthavebeenfiredfromajob,unabletopayherbills,butstillvolunteeredatahomelessshelter.Therearepeoplewhosufferthroughverydifficultandpainfulsituationsinlifeandseemtocomeoutfine.OnemanIknewwellwasputinprisonforsomethinghedidn’tdo.Hekeptapositiveattitude,refusedtolookatthoseyearsaslost,andinsteadturnedthatexperienceintosomethingpositivethatothershavelearnedfrom.Ifnegativeself-talkis“right,”thenwhydoesn’teveryonecrumpleundertheweightofdifficulty?Becausetheself-talkyouchooseoftendictatesyourabilitytoberesilient,tofindsolutions,andtofocusonthesilverlining.

StopthePain!

Mostpeoplewhoareexperiencingadifficulttimesimplywantittobeover.“Ican’twaituntilmydivorceisfinal.”“Iwishtheywouldjustgivemethepinkslipandbedonewithit.Thewaitingiskillingme.”“Iwillbesohappywhenthisyearends!”Insteadofplowingthroughthesenegativesituations,let’slookatwaysyou

canusethemtopracticeyourpositiveself-talkandpotentiallyadoptanewattitudeorapproachtodealingwithwhatbefallsyou.Thinkaboutanupcomingeventthatiscausingyoustress,oroneyouare

goingthroughnow.Writedownwhatmighthappen,andwhatyouareexpecting.So,forexample,youmightwrite:“Mycompanyisinfinancialtrouble.Layoffshavebeenhappeningallaroundme.Ihaveheardthroughthe

trouble.Layoffshavebeenhappeningallaroundme.Ihaveheardthroughthegrapevinethatmyunitisnext.It’sjustamatteroftimebeforeIgetmypinkslip.”Now—thisisimportant—writeaboutwhatyouexpectwillhappentoyoufromthissituation.Oftenpeopletellthemselvesastoryabouthowthisincidentwilldestroythem.Forexample,youmightwrite:“IfIlosemyjob,Ican’tsendmykidstocollege.Ican’tevenpaythemortgageonmyhouse.Therearenojobsoutthere.I’mdoomedtoliveeatingcatfood—andwhatwillIfeedmycats?Wewillallstarve.”Besuretotakesometimetowritethisout.Muchofwhatyouwillwriteis

actuallythenegativeself-talkthatvisitsyouaboutthissituation.Thesearethebeliefsyounowholdabouthowthisupcomingsituationwillaffectyourlife.Youmightwritetheseoutcomesandfeelconfidenttheyaregoingtohappen,butreally—atthismoment—youarewritingaplay.It’struethatyourcompanymightbegoingthroughlayoffsandyoumightbenext,butwhathappensafterthatisallconjecturefueledbyyournegativeself-talk.Next,identifyyourresources.Identifythoseattributes,skills,supportsystems,

intellectualabilities,andstrengthsyoupossessthatcouldhelpyoudealmoreeffectivelywiththeupcomingsituation.Forexample,youmightwrite:“Iamaveryskilledemployee.IofferalotofvaluetomyemployerbecausenooneelseknowshowtorunthesystemthatIdo.”Or,“Ihavebeenthroughhardtimesbefore.Ialwaysmanagetopickmyselfup,dustmyselfoff,andstartalloveragain!”Thenextpartofthisexerciseiscriticallyimportantbecauseit’sgoingtoask

youtoquestionbeliefsyoulikelyholdverydear.Forexample,youmaytrulybelievethattheself-talkyouareusingabouttheupcomingeventistrue.Youwillbeeatingcatfood.Youwon’tevergetanotherjob.Youaredoomed.Whatyouneedtodonextisshineastronglightonthosebeliefsandlookatthemclosely.Theyareonlybeliefsatthispoint.Theyarenotfacts.Thetruthisthateverysituationhasmanypossibleoutcomes.Someoutcomes

youmightprefermorethanothers,buttherearemanywaysyourlifecouldturn

youmightprefermorethanothers,buttherearemanywaysyourlifecouldturnout.Untilthefinalact,youdon’treallyknowwhatiscomingaroundthecorner.Mostsituationshavebothapositiveandnegativeaspect.Yes,it’shardifthe

loveofyourlifeleavesyouforanotherperson,butit’salsoliberatingthatyounolongerlivewithsomeonewhowaslyingtoyou.Yes,goingtojailforacrimeyoudidnotcommitisaterribletragedy,buttakingthoseexperiences,writingaboutthem,andworkingtochangeabrokensystemisapositiveoutcome.Mostcausesandmovementsarestartedbecausesomeoneexperiencessomethingsoawfulthattheydon’twantanyoneelsetohavetogothroughit.Inotherwords,it’svirtuallyalwayspossibletochangeanegativeoutcometoapositiveone.Nowyoumightbesaying,“Shehasrose-coloredglasseson.Sheistryingto

paintahappypicturewhereonedoesn’tbelong.”Thisiswhyit’scriticaltoloosenyourlong-heldbeliefsjustalittlebit.Ifyou

won’tconsiderthattherecouldbeanotherwaytolookatthestressfulsituation,thenthereisn’tapointincompletingthisexercise.Ifyouwanttohavemorepower,moreoptions,andmorestrengthindealingwithstress,youhavetoletgoofthebeliefthatyou“know”whatisrightandwhatiswrongandthatyou“know”whatwillhappennext.Writetwoscenariosaboutthesituationyouarefacing.Inthem,developa

storyoftwopossiblepositiveoutcomes.Thismaytakesomecreativewritingonyourpart,butforceyourselftothinkabouttwowaysthesituationcouldgothatmighthavesomepositiveattributes.Forexample,let’sgobacktothesituationatworkwhereyouexpectthepink

slip.Twopossibleoutcomescouldinclude:“Ihavebeendoingsuchagoodjobhereandamveryvalued.Theycan’tlay

offeveryonesoeventhoughitpainsmetoseemycoworkersinpainandlosingtheirjobs,Iamgoingtobehereforalongtimetocome.Iwilladoptapositiveattitudeandkeepupbeatthroughouttheprocess.”Oralternatively,youcouldthink:“Imightlosemyjob,butthetruthisIhavehatedithere.Ireallywanttodo

somethingelse,butIhavebeentooscaredtoleave.WhenIgetthepinkslip,it

somethingelse,butIhavebeentooscaredtoleave.WhenIgetthepinkslip,itwillmotivatemetofollowmydreams.Itmightbehardfinancially,butIwillfindawaytomakeitwork.ThereisalwaysasolutionifIlookhardenough.”Thepointofcreatingthesetwooptionsistoshowyouthatthereisn’tonlyone

foregoneconclusionabouthowthestressfullifesituationwillend.Throughnegativeself-talk,youtellyourselfastory—youwritetheplotlineand“know”howeverythingwillturnout.Thisiswhyyourstresslevelcontinuestorise.Theredoesn’tseemtobeanotheroption.Byforcingyourselftowriteaboutotheroptions,youcanseethatthereareotherpossibleoutcomes.Intimesoftrouble,ifyourself-talkisonlyfocusedonhowhorribleeverythingis,youcan’tallowyourselfthechancetorechargeyourbatteriesorfindanypositiveoutcomes.Inthemidstofdealingwithanything,youcanusepositiveself-talktocalm

yourselfandfindwaystofocusonsomethingotherthantheworryorsadnessbroughtonbythesituation.Therearecasesevenwhenaclosefriendorrelativeisdyingofaterminaldiseaseinwhichpeoplestillfindjoyinsmallways—possiblybycaringfortheperson.Sometimeswhenyou’rewithsomeonewhoisdying,oldwoundsarehealedorwordsarespokenthathaven’tbeensaidbefore.Sometimesbothofyouareabletoletgoofpasthurtsordifficulties.It’snottosaythatthesolutiontostressissimplytolookonthebrightside—

it’snot.Youhavetoberealisticandobjectiveaboutwhateverdifficultiesarefacingyou.AndI’mnotsayingthattherearen’tdifficultemotionsyouwillhavetodealwithasyougothroughchallenginglifeexperiences.Butbecomingdrainedandstressedweakensyourresources.Youneedtobestrongandclear-headed.Youalwayshaveanopportunitytouseyourself-talktodirectthesituationandyourreactiontoit.Yourself-talkcaneitherdefeatyouearlyonorgiveyouthepowertostayopenandcuriousaboutwhatcanhappennext.

ManagingLifeonOverload

Theadventoftechnologywassupposedtomakelifeeasierforeveryone.Quickaccesstoinformation,theabilitytocompletetasks“onthefly,”andincreasedcommunicationwereintendedtofreeuptimeandallowpeopletofocusonwhatmatterstothem.Unfortunatelyformost,it’sdoneexactlytheopposite.Increasingtechnologykeepsmanypeopleconnected24/7,allowingforanoverwhelmingfloodofinformationtocomeoverthetransom.Inmanyjobs,theneedtocheckmessagespermeatesfamilymeals,vacations,

andeveningrelaxationtime.Theabilitytobeonlineatallhoursofthedayornightcheckingforinformationandgainingaccesstonewinformationtoprocessisnotsoothingtomostpeople;ratheritincreasesthelevelofstressorworry.Inmanycases,peoplestrugglewithtimemanagement.HowcanIget

everythingdoneinagivenday?Childrenhaveplacestheymustbe;thereareerrandstorunandtaskstocomplete;andontopofitall,theworkplacecontinuestopileonmoreandmore.Thestresslevelsthattheaveragepersondealswithseemtobeincreasingeveryday.

StressedMuch?YouBet!TheAmericanPsychologicalAssociationfoundina2010surveythat“ingeneral,Americansrecognizethattheirstresslevelsremainhighandexceedwhattheyconsidertobehealthy.Adultsseemtounderstandtheimportanceofhealthybehaviorslikemanagingtheirstresslevels,eatingright,gettingenoughsleepandexercise,buttheyreportexperiencingchallengespracticingthesehealthybehaviors.Theyreportbeingtoobusyasaprimarybarrierpreventingthemfrombettermanagingtheirstress,andalackofmotivation,energy,andtimeasthechiefreasonsfornotbeingmorephysicallyactive.Againinthisstudy,lackingwillpowerwascitedasabarriertoadoptinghealthybehaviorswhenlifestylechangeswererecommendedbyahealthcareprovider.Yetthemajoritybelieveswillpowercanbelearnedaswellasimproved,iftheyonlyhadmoreenergyandconfidence.”

EverydayStressBuilds

Oneoftheproblemswitheverydaystressisthatitisinsidious.Youmightnot“feel”stressed,butallofasuddenyouraiseyourvoiceinangerorbegintofeeldefeatedanddepressed.Younoticethatyouaregrittingyourteethorbitingyournails.Everydaystresscreepsin,andunbeknownsttoyouyournegativeself-talkfuelsthestressfulfires.Acarcutsyouoffonthefreewayandyouthink,What’swrongwithpeople?

Theworldisbecomingsucharudeandfrighteningplace.Inthecheckoutlinefortenitemsorless,someonegetsinfrontofyouwithfifteenitems.See?yousaytoyourself.Therearerudepeopleeverywhere.Thisworldisreallygoingtopot.Athome,whereyouwanttoenjoythesanctuaryofyourabode,yourchildcallsyousomenamenotfittorepeathere.Yourself-talkceaselesslycommentsonthesesituations,andyoumulloverhowawfuleverythinghasbecomeandhowterribleyourlifeis.Thisishowstress—anditspartnerincrime,negativeself-talk—stealsfrom

you.Theyjoinforcesandzapyourenergy,cloudyourview,andgiveyouawindowontheworldthatisnegativeandself-defeating.Ofcourse,youcanexplainitall:Therereallywasarudepersononthefreeway;someonedidcutyouinline;andyourchildreallywasdisrespectfultoyou.Theproblemis,youthenmadeachoicetoletnegativeself-talktakeoverandpileonthetroubleuntilyouwereunabletofunctioninanypositiveway.

UncoveringWhat’sHidden

Likemanyofthethingsyouwilllearninthisbook,everydaystressisstealthy.Itcomestoyouinsituationsyoudon’twant.Noonewantstobecutoffonthefreewayandputintodanger,butratherthanallowthesituationtobewhatitis,apointintime,yourmindlikelygrabsholdofitandturnsitintoamajornegative

event.It’softheutmostimportancewitheverydaystresstostayawareandalertto

thosethingsthattriggeryournegativeself-talk.Ittakescommitmentandenergytodothis.Youmayresistbecauseitisjusteasiertogiveintothenegativity.Butyoucan,withstrengthofmind,changethat.Movingfromnegativeself-talktopositiveself-talkisachoice.Whileyoucannotcontroltheeventsthathappentoyou,youcancontrolyourreactiontothem.

StepOutoftheTornado

Somepeoplewalkthroughatornadounscathed,andothersareblownawaybythewinds.Youcanstandnexttoaragingemotionaltornadobutrefusetoparticipateinit.How?Bybecomingmoreconsciousaboutthethingsyouexperience

throughoutyourdaythattriggernegativityinsideofyou,andthenbyrecognizingthenegativeresponsesthatbuilduponthemselves.Steppingoutofthetornadotakesdiscipline.Itrequiresbeingattentivetothe

thingsthroughoutthedaythathappentoyou.Forthisexercise,itwillbehelpfultocarryasmallnotebookwithyouatalltimes,ortousethenotefunctiononyoursmartphoneortablet.Youwanttokeeparunninglistofthingsthatoccurtoyousoyoucanexaminethemwithsomedistance.Thinkofatimewhenyouweregoingthroughsomethingstressfulinan

everydaysituation.Forinstance,perhapsyouneededtobebackhomeforyourson’sgraduation,andyouwereduetocatchaplane.Youwerecaughtinterribletrafficduetoanaccidentonthefreeway.Youwatchedtheclocktick,tick,tickwhileyousatimmobileinyourcarandknewtheplanewouldleavewithoutyou.Perhapstheplanedidleavewithoutyou,andyouragedorcriedintheterminalknowingyouwouldmissyourson’ssmilingfaceastheyhandedhimthediploma.

Thatwascertainlyaseriesofstressfulanddistressingevents.Butthinkaboutwhathappenednext.Anotherflightleftforyourdestination,andyoueventuallyjoinedyourson.Yousawpicturesofthegraduationandweredisappointedyouweren’tabletobethere,butyoudidsomethingtocelebratewithyourson,therebyenjoyinghissuccess.Thestressfulmomentinthecarwatchingthatclocktickeventuallyfadedfromyourmemory.Youtalkaboutitinthepasttense,asin,“Rememberthetime...”Thegoalinsteppingoutsideofthetornadoistocalluponthepost-experience

whileyouarestillintheexperience.Eveninthethickofdifficulty,yourealize“Thistooshallpass.”Inordertodothis,youmustcalluponpositiveself-talk.Resolvetokeepajournal.Fortwoweekstakenotesofstressfulsituations

throughouttheday;thiswillhelpyoutoseepatterns,triggers,andtogetperspectiveonthethingsthatseemstressfulatthetime,butlaterlosetheirpoweroveryou.Asyouembarkonthisprocess,resolvetocaptureeverythingyoucan.Don’toverlookthingsthatseemunimportantjustbecauseyouarewritingajournal!Forexample,youmaybeinclinedtominimizeaneventbecauseitseemssillytowriteitdown.Behonestwithyourself.Therearenorightsorwrongs—stresscomesfrommanydifferentdirectionsforeveryone.Captureeverythingtowhichyourmindhasareactionorthatyouperceiveasnegative.Ifyoumissaday,continuenotingoccurrencesuntilyouhavetwoweeksof

datawithwhichyoucanwork.Besuretocapturenotonlytheeventbutalsoyournegativereactiontoit.Nexttotheevent,jotdownafewwordsaboutthenegativityyoufelt:“helpless,”“overwhelmed,”“angry.”Reviewyourstressors.Onceyouhavecompiledtheinformation,lookthrough

whatyou’vewritten.Aretherethemes?Doesitseemthatsomestressorsoccurmoreoftenthanothers?Isitavarietyofstressors,somelargeandsomesmall,ordoyoufindthatmanysmallirritationshappenthroughouttheday?Orconverselydoyouonlygetstressedbytheseeminglybigevents?Also,lookatthedescriptorsyouwrotenexttotheevents.Whatthemesdo

youseehere?Doyoumostoftenrespondwithanger?Doyoufeeldisillusionedalot?Doyoufeelhelplessandwithoutresourcestodealwithstressorsinyourlife?It’scriticallyimportant,beforeyoucanmakepositiveself-talkworkforyou,

thatyouhavesomeawarenessaboutthestressorsandaboutyourreactions.Don’tskipthesesteps—takethetimetoexploreyourownsituationinsomedetail.Onceyouhavemoreawarenessofwhatstressesyouandhowyoureact,you

canstarttointegratepositiveself-talkintoyourday.Startthemorningbyusingpositiveself-talktoframeyourupcomingexperiences.Useamirrortotalktoyourselfforthisinitialexercise.Speakdirectlytoyourselfandputemphasisonthestatements.

“Thisisanordinaryday.Therewillbestressfulthingsthathappentome.That’slife.IhavechoicesabouthowIcanrespond.Ichoosetokeepmypersonalpowertoday.”“IcanstepoutsideofthetornadoanytimeIwant.Idon’thavetobedraggedalongbymyownnegativeself-talk.AssoonasIrecognizeit,Icanreleaseit.It’smychoice.”“Thingswillhappen.Iwillreact.TodayIchoosehowIreact,andIchoosepositiveself-talk.”“Iwelcomedifficultsituationsbecausetheyalmostalwaysteachmesomething.Theyallowmetostrengthenmyattitudeandpracticemypositiveself-talk.”“Lifeisforlearning.Iwatchothers.Iwatchsituations.Ilearnsomethingfromeverythingthathappenstome.”“Holdingontomypersonalpoweristhemostimportantthingtome.Istayfocusedonmypositiveapproachthroughouttheday.”

It’simportantthatyourself-talkstatementsarenotphonytoyou.Throughoutthedaytherewillbethingsthattriggeryou.Therewillbeeventsyouprobably

thedaytherewillbethingsthattriggeryou.Therewillbeeventsyouprobablydon’twantandwouldrathernotdealwith.Therewillbetimesyoulapseintooldbehaviors.Youareusingtheseideastosetyourmindinadifferentdirection,toreactandresponddifferentlytowhatwillhappentoyou.Now,createsomepositiveself-talkoptionsthatyoucancalluponwhen

stressorsariseduringtheday.Youmightwanttowritetheseon3"×5"cards,orputthemonnotepaperyoucancarryaroundwithyou.Somepeopleposttheseintheircar,ontheircomputer,orintheirwallet.Keepthemhandysoyoucanrefertothemwhenyouneedto.Reviewthelistanddeterminewhichofthesesuityourstyleandsituation,or

writeacoupleofyourownusingthissameprocess.

“Whateverlifethrowsatme,Icandealwithit.Iamcalm;Iamconfident;andImakemyownchoices.”“Situationshappen,butIdon’tneedtofuelthemwithnegativeself-talk.Ichooseadifferentpath.”“Lookatwhat’shappeningrightnow.It’satornado,butIchoosetostepoutsideofit.Theviewisbetterfromtheoutsidelookingin.”“Tomorrow(ornextmonth,nextyear,etc.)thissituationprobablywon’tevenmattertome.I’mnotgoingtogiveitmyenergytoday.”“Thingshappen.Peoplearepeople.Idon’tneedtomakethissituationworsewithnegativeself-talk.”

Then,importantly,whenthestressfulornegativeeventoccurs,insteadofgivingintonegativeself-talk,turnyourattentiontosomethingthatispositiveforyou.Somepeoplecarryasongwiththemthattheyliketosing.Somepeoplecarrypicturesofchildrenoranimalsthatcalmthem.Somepeopletakeawalk,lookoutsidethewindow,ordojumpingjacks!Havesomethingatthereadyyoucanalwaysdowhenthebothersomesituationcomesalong.Howdoesthisworkintherealworld?Imaginethesituationwiththecar

cuttingyouoffonthefreeway.Yourimmediatereactionistomakesureyouaresafe.Then,yourchosenself-talkkicksin:“Thingshappen.Peoplearepeople.I

safe.Then,yourchosenself-talkkicksin:“Thingshappen.Peoplearepeople.Idon’tneedtomakethissituationworsewithnegativeself-talk.”Youbegintohumyourcalmingsong.Oryoustarttorecallafunvacationwithyourchildren.Perhapsyourepeatyourfavoriteversefromapoem.Yourattentionshiftsfromthesituationathandtosomethingthatcalmsyouandismorepeaceful.Bynow,the“rude”personhasleftyourlineofvisionandisspeedingoffdownthehighwaytocutoffthenextperson—andpossiblygetaticket.You,ontheotherhand,aredrivingalongwithamorepeacefulattitudeanddemeanor.

CreatingTimeandSpaceforRecharging:TakingCareofYourself

Oneofthewaysthatstressdoesdamageisthatinresponsetoitmanypeoplestoptakingcareofthemselves.Theydon’texerciseoreatwell.Theylosesleep.Theyaretoopreoccupiedortoobusytoseekoutfriendsorcompanions.Theyareinreactmodeasopposedtoadeliberateplanningmode.Oftenwhenpeopleneedtotakecareofthemselvesmost,theyfocusonitthe

least.Hereisanotherplacewhereturningtopositiveself-talkcanhelpcalmyouandredirectyourenergies.Thecyclegoeslikethis:Youfeelstressedaboutevents.Youdon’ttakecareofyourself.Youtalktoyourselfabouthowstupidyouarethatyoudon’ttakecareofyourself.“IknowIshouldgettothegymtoalleviatemystress,butIamtoowiggedouttodoso.”Youknowthechoicesyouaremakingarenottherightonesforyou,but

negativeself-talkmovesinagainandremindsyouthatyouneedtobehavethewayyoudo,thatyoucan’tdoanythingbetter,andthatthisisallthereis.

StartingOver

Thebeautyofrecognizinghownegativeself-talkpullsyouinandpullsyouunderisthatatanypointyoucanmakeadifferentdecisionabouthowyouwant

underisthatatanypointyoucanmakeadifferentdecisionabouthowyouwanttorespondtoyourlife.Forexample,ifyouknowyou“should”takebettercareofyourselfbutyourself-talkdoesn’tletyou,it’stimetomakeadifferentdecision.First,askyourselfifthereissomethingyoucouldbedoingdifferently,

somethingthatcouldhelpyoumoreeffectivelydealwiththestressorsinyourlife.Doyouneedmoresleep?Doyouneedtomakebettereatingchoices?Doyouneedtogetmoreexercise?Setagoalforwhatyou’dliketodo.Ifyouwanttomanageyourstressbyfindinganewjobormakingmoremoney,referbacktoChapter7forwaystousepositiveself-talkinmakingalifechange.Inthissection,we’lldealwiththeneedtotakebettercareofyourselfinordertobestrongerinhandlingthegeneralstressorsinyourlife.Determinewhatyouneedtododifferently.Writeinyourjournalwhatyou

coulddoforyourselfthatmightgainyoumoreenergyorbehealthierasyoumanagestress.Nowwritewhyyouaren’tdoingthisnow.What’sholdingyouback?What

obstaclesdoyouface?Behonesthereandcollectallofthereasonsyouareunabletomakethechoicesyouneedtomake.Becarefulyouaren’tfocusingonmajorlifedecisionsinthissection;thoseareaddressedelsewhereinthisbookandinvolveadifferentsetofexercises.Forexample,youmightsayyouneedtoworkoutmoreoftenandgetmoreexercise,butperhapsyouareworkingthreejobs.Ifthisisthecase,youneedanoveralllifechange.RefertoChapter7.Inthissection,though,youmightwritethatyoujustcan’tsticktoanexerciseplan.Youknowyouneedone,butyouneverfindanythingthatyouenjoyenoughtodooverandover.Identifythenegativeself-talkassociatedwithyourreasonsfornotbeingable

totakethestepsyouknowyouneedtotake.Thesecouldbethingslike“Ihateexercise”or“Ican’taffordtoeathealthyfoodsoIbuyjunk”or“IamjustatthatstageoflifewhereIcan’tsleepverywell.Ithappenstoeveryone.”Writethewordsyouuseandthethingsthatcometomindifyouweretalking

toanotherpersonandtryingtoconvinceherwhyyoucan’tdowhatyouknow

toanotherpersonandtryingtoconvinceherwhyyoucan’tdowhatyouknowyoushoulddo.Inthisnextsection,youwilluseyourpositiveself-talktochangethe

behavior.First,setagoalforyourselfthatisreasonable,believable,andpractical.Forinstance,youmightsetagoal:Forthenextfivenights,IwillgotobedfifteenminutesearliereachnightuntilIamgoingtobedoveranhourearlierthanIhavebeen.”Oryoumightwrite,“IwillchoosecarrotsatthestorewhenIshopthisweekinsteadofchips.”Or,“Iwilltakeawalkeacheveningwithmyspouseforthirtyminutesafterdinner.”Setagoalthatyoucanreachandthatmovesyouclosertoyourdesiredoutcome.Youaretryingtomakealifeshifthere,soyouwanttotakethisastepatatime.Ifyouhaven’tbeenworkingoutatall,settingagoalofworkingoutsixdaysaweekforanhourisprobablyunrealistic.Focusonreasonable,believable,andpractical.Now,developpositiveself-talkstatementstohelpyouwithyourefforts.

Thesewillbedifferentdependingonthegoalyouhavechosen.Ifyouhaveworkedthroughothersectionsinthisbook,youwillhavesomeideasabouthowtodevelopthese.Thereareexampleshereforsomecommonsituations.Youcanuseanyofthese,orwritesomeofyourown.

“Iwanttomakethisshiftinmylife.Itwillhelpmemanagemystressmoreeasily.”“Everydayisanewday.TodayIresolvetomakethechoicesthataregoodforme.”“Mygoalisreasonable.Icantakestepseachdaytoseethatmygoalbecomesmyreality.”“IneedallofthestrengthandresourcesIcanget.Imakethechoicesthatgivememoreaccesstomypersonalresources.”“WhyintheworldwouldIchoosetodothingsthataren’tgoodforme?Iknowwhat’sright,andIchooseinfavorofme.”

Onceyouhavedeterminedyourgoal,andhavedevelopedthepositiveself-talkthatworksforyou,spendtimeeachdayforatleastfifteenminutessitting

talkthatworksforyou,spendtimeeachdayforatleastfifteenminutessittingquietlyandimagingalessstressedyou.Pictureyourselforthinkaboutyourselfmakingthechoicesthataregoodforyou.Imagineyouaregettingthesleepyouneed,eatingthefoodyouneed,ortakingwalkseachevening.Useallofyouremotionandimaginationtofeelgoodaboutyouraccomplishments.Experiencethegoodfeelingsthatcomefrombeingcalmerandmoreatease,readytodealwithwhatevercomesyourway.Asyousitandimagine,repeatyourpositiveself-talkoverandoveragain.

Keepfocusedonwhatyoudowant,notwhatyoudon’twant.Remember,tomanagestresseffectivelyyoumusthavethetoolstodoso.

TakingControlofYourTime—andYourLife

Therearefewpeopleintoday’sculturewhowouldn’tsaytheyneedmorehoursintheday.Itneverseemsyouhaveenoughtimetodoallthatyouwanttodo,orneedtodo.Somepeopleworktwoorthreejobsandrunfromonetotheother.Parentswithchildrenseemtohaveendlesscommitments:gamesandpracticestoattend,schoolevents,playdates.Infact,mostpeopleintoday’scultureconstantlyhavetoomanyplacestogoandthingstodo.Liferollsonandon.Anxietybuildsasthelistofto-dosgrowslongerandlonger.Timeishardtomanagewhenitoffersyouafixedtwenty-fourhoursaday,

sevendaysaweek.Howcanyoucontrolsomethingthatisn’tflexibleormalleable?Insteadyoumustlearntomanageyourself.Timemanagementisaboutpersonalmanagement.

SufferingfromtheZeigarnikEffect?BlumaWulfovnaZeigarnik(1901–1988)wasaSovietpsychologistandpsychiatristwhodiscoveredthatunfinishedtaskscausepeopleanxiety.AccordingtoPsychwiki,“theZeigarnikEffectisthetendencytoexperienceintrusivethoughtsaboutanobjectivethatwasoncepursuedandleftincomplete.

intrusivethoughtsaboutanobjectivethatwasoncepursuedandleftincomplete.Theautomaticsystemsignalstheconsciousmind,whichmaybefocusedonnewgoals,thatapreviousactivitywasleftincomplete.Itseemstobehumannaturetofinishwhatwestartand,ifitisnotfinished,weexperiencedissonance.”

FinishWhatYouStart

Formanypeopleanxietycomesfromtheendlessfeelingthattherearealwaysthingslefttodo.Youmightgotobedatnightthinkingaboutwhathasbeenleftundoneinsteadofwhatyouhaveaccomplished.Themindwillgrabontowhatisopen-endedandnotaddressed,andthennegativeself-talkwilltauntyouaboutwhatisstilllefttodo.Thetruthisthatyoucanneverreallyfinisheverythingthathastobedone.Assoonasthe“to-dolist”iscompleted,anotheronewillpopuptotakeitsplace.Butyoucanlearntomanageyourself-talksothatyoutakeadifferentapproachtothenever-endinglistofthingstodo.

StopWatchingtheClock

Thefirstimportantstepistostopforamoment.Takeyoureyesofftheclockandlookatthelonglistofto-dosthatyouhaveaccumulated.What’sonthatlist?Areallofthethingsyouneedtodoreallyimportanttoyou?Takeamomenttoprioritizethings.What’smostimportantandwhy?What’sleastimportantandwhy?Reorderyourto-dolistsothatinsteadofarandomlistofallyouneedtodo,

it’sanorganizedandprioritizedlistofwhatmustbedone.Youcanusewhatevercriteriayouwant.Youmaydecidethattheeasiestthingsshouldbehighestprioritybecauseyoucantacklethemrightaway.Or,bycontrast,youmaygivetheharderthingshighestpriorityinordertogetthemoverwith.What’s

importantistohaveaplan.Haveamethodologyforgoingthroughyourlistthatmakessensetoyou.Ifyousufferfromafeelingthattimeisescapingandyouaren’tconqueringit,

theexerciseinthissectionshouldbeusedoverandoveragainformanydays.Remember,ittakesatleasttwenty-onedaystoadoptanewhabit.Withtimemanagementitisbestifyoucandoitforatleastamonth.Gettingahandleonmanagingyourpersonalandtime-relatedissuesistricky.Newthingsgetaddedeveryday.Otherpeopleinyourlifemaynot“respect”yourdesiretochangeyourapproachandmaycontinuetoadditemstoyouralreadyoverflowingplate.Youhavetobetheonetotakecharge,andbeconsistent.

StepOne

Makealistofthethingsthatareoutstandingthatneedtobemanaged.Startwitharandomlistofeverythingthatyoucurrentlyhaveonyourto-dosheet.

StepTwo

Reorganizethelistaccordingtopriorityorder.Numbertheitemsfrom1(mostimportant)to10(leastimportant).Ifyouhavemorethantenitems,puttheseonaseparatelistinpriorityorder.Forthepurposesofthisexercise,havenomorethanten.

StepThree

Reviewyourlistoftenandseewhereyoucanbreakstepsdownintomorediscreettasks.If,forexample,youhavetomoveyouragingmotherintoanursinghome,andyouhavethisasone“to-do,”recognizeinsteadthatmultiplestepsareinvolved.Thereareprobablytenortwelvethingsyouneedtodobeforeyoucanaccomplishthistask.Taketheto-doitemandidentifyeachpieceintheprocesssoyoucanseeexactlywhat’sinvolved.Sometimesdissectingtheto-do

processsoyoucanseeexactlywhat’sinvolved.Sometimesdissectingtheto-doandbreakingitintosmallerpiecesactuallychangesthepriorityorder.Thisisfine;changethingsaroundifyouneedto,butcomeupwithafinallisttoworkfrom.

StepFour

Nowtakeeachofthepiecesontheto-dolistandwriteanassumedtimeframenexttothem.Howlongwilleachsteptakeyou?What’sinvolved?Eachto-doshouldhavestepsatthispointandthentimeframesassociatedwiththem.Youmightendupwithapageforeachto-do;putthepagesinpriorityorderwiththemostimportantoneontop.Youmaywanttohaveafilefolderforeachoftheto-dos,butbesuretocodethembypriorityorder,whatevermethodyouareusing.

StepFive

Nowreviewtoseewhetherthereisanythingyoucandelegatetosomeoneelse.Aretherepiecesthatotherpeoplecoulddoforyou?Whatcreativewayscouldyouusetoaccomplishsomeofthethingsonthelist?

StepSix

Next,movethestepsforthefirstthreepriorityto-dos,alongwiththeirassociatedtimeframes,ontoacalendar.Whenwillyoudothesethings?Whatday?Whattime?Whoelsemightyouengage?Writeitdown.Reviewthiseachnightorfirstthinginthemorningsoyouhavetheplanfortheday.

StepSeven

Nowbringyourpositiveaffirmationsintotheprocess.Eachdaywhenyouarereviewingyourto-dolistorwritingyourstepsdowninyourcalendar,youwanttobeawareofanynegativeself-talkthattellsyouitis“justtoomuchtodo.”

tobeawareofanynegativeself-talkthattellsyouitis“justtoomuchtodo.”Usesomeofthepositiveself-talklistedhereoverandoveragain.Remembertodothisforatleastamonth.

“Timeisaman-madeconstruct.Iaminchargeofmytime;itisnotinchargeofme.”“Icansay‘no’thenexttimesomeoneasksmetotakesomethingonifIdon’tfeelIcandoit.Mylifebelongstome.”“Takingstepsoneatatimeallowsmetoworkthroughmyto-dolistandgetsomethingdoneeverysingleday.”“Ihavetakenthetimetoorganize,prioritize,andbreakstepsdown.Iknowwhat’simportantandwhatIneedtofocuson.”“IrefusetoallowmyselftobedrawnintoanxietyaboutwhatIneedtodo.Istandoutsidetheanxiousstate,beingwatchfulandmakingmyplans.”“IcandowhatIneedtodo.Ifocusonmypriorities.”“WorryingaboutwhatIneedtodoandexperiencinganxietymakesmelesseffective.Iameffectiveandproductive.”“IamclearaboutwhatIneedtodo,andIdoit.”“IfeelgoodaboutwhatIaccomplisheachday.Iaminchargeofmylife.”

Practicinggoodself-managementoftimecanbenefityouinmanyways.Youwillbecomemoreefficientatwork,moreproductiveathome,aswellaslessstressedaboutwhatyouneedtodo.

ReleasingStressors

Thischapterhascoveredanumberofdifferentaspectsrelatedtostress.Youmayhavepreviouslythoughtstresswasjustanaturalandcommonresponsetolife’sproblems,butnowyouhaveseenthatstressandanxietyvisitinavarietyofdifferentways.Ifstressisrunningyourlife,reviewthischaptertodecidewhichaspectsyouwanttobegintopracticetobecomecalmerandmoreat

whichaspectsyouwanttobegintopracticetobecomecalmerandmoreatpeace.Youarenotaseffectivewhenyouarelivinglifeonstressfuloverload.Replacingnegativeself-talkwithmorepositiveapproachesisavailabletoyouinmanydifferentsituations.

CHAPTER9

TheArtofSelf-Reflection:ChallengingYourSelf-Talk

Beforereadingthisbook,youprobablybelievedthatyourself-talkwasyou.Youdidn’trealizethatit’saseparatethingwhisperinginyourearandcallingtheshots—mostofwhichhaveledyoutoanxietyandunhappiness.Ifyouarelikemanypeople,youhaveprobablybeenlisteningtoitformostofyourlifeandtakingwhatevernegativepathitpresentedtoyou.Listeningtonegativeself-talkandactingonits“wisdom”seemednatural.

Youprobablybecamesousedtoitsvoicethatyoudidn’trealizethatitwastalkingtoyouandmakingeverythingyoudealwithmoredifficultthanitneededtobe.Whilenegativeself-talkdiditsdirtywork,youranxietyrose.Anyopportunityyouhadforacalmeryouwentoutthewindowalongwithyourobjectivity.Thisiswhynegativeself-talkissoinsidious.Itfeelslikeapartofyou.It

visits;youwelcomeitandrecognizeit;andthenitstays.Butnow,asaresultofgoingthroughtheexercisesinthisbookandthinkingaboutthem,youknowhowmuchitisstealingfromyouandhowmanypossibilitieshavepassedyoubybecauseyouhavebeenengagedinadialoguewithsomethingthatdoesn’thaveyourbestinterestsatheart.Youhavetakenthefirstmostimportantsteptoremovenegativeself-talkfromyourlife.Youaremakingacommitmenttouninviteitandtowelcomenewideasandnewpossibilitiesthatcalmyourmindandgiveyoubackyournaturalenergy.

ToLoseIt,YouHavetoKnowIt

Inordertouninvitenegativeself-talk,asyouhavelearnedthroughoutthisbook,

Inordertouninvitenegativeself-talk,asyouhavelearnedthroughoutthisbook,youhavetobecomeawareofhowitvisitsyouandrefusetoletitmoveinandtakeholdofyou.Self-reflectionisimportant,andyouhavetofirstadmittoyourselfthatnegativeself-talkhasbeenstealingyourcalmandderailingyourhopesanddreams.Negativeself-talkdoesnothingbutstealfromyou.Itisn’tyourfriend.Itisn’teventellingyouthetruth—it’stellingyousadandworrisomestoriesthataremadeup.Negativeself-talkfeedsonanxiety,stress,andupset.Ittakesholdandincreasesyourpain.It’stimetotakeyourlifebackandtellyourselfadifferentstory.

RecognizingtheVisitor

Themoreawareyoubecomeofhowandwhennegativeself-talkvisitsyou,themorechoicesyouwillhavetodealwithitwhenitdoes.InChapter2youcompletedanassessmenttounderstandwheresomeofyouranxietycomesfrom.Reviewthislistnow.Youwereaskedtocirclesixthingsthatareparticularcausesofanxietyforyou.Inaddition,you’velikelyreadthroughothersectionsofthisbookandfoundotherplacesyournegativeself-talkhastakenover.Takeaminutenowtocapturethethingsyouhavelearnedaboutyourown

anxiety.

1. Anxietymostoftenvisitsmewhen...2. Situationsthatmakemeespeciallyanxiousinclude...3. IhaverealizedIusenegativeself-talkinthefollowingareas...

Ifyoustillfeelvague,orasifanxietyvisitsyouallthroughoutthedayinmanydifferentsituations,asitdoesformanypeople,keepajournal.Identifythethingsthathappentoyouthroughoutthedaythatkickyournegativeself-talkintoaction.Notetheevent,orthethought,andthenthewordsthatyouusetotellyourselfthereis,orcouldbe,aproblem.Themoreyoubecomeawareofwhenandhownegativeself-talkvisitsyou,themorechoicesyouhaveforofferingittheinvitationtoleave.Dedicateyourselftothis.Chooseinfavorofyourselfand

theinvitationtoleave.Dedicateyourselftothis.Chooseinfavorofyourselfandyourlifeandcommittoawareness.

YourPersonalToolkit

Noteverythingworksforeveryperson.Thischapterwillofferavarietyoftried-and-truetechniquesyoucanusetobothstopnegativeself-talkinitstracksandputyouonamoresuccessfulpathtopositiveoutcomesyoudesire.Thischapterprovideschoicesforyourpersonaltoolkit.Themoretoolsyouhavetodealwithlife’supsanddowns,themorepoweryouwillhaveinthemidstofwhateverhappenstoyou.

Tool1:ThePowerofSelf-Hypnosis

Manypeopledon’ttrusthypnosis.Thepossibilitythatanotherpersoncouldtakeholdofyourmindandgiveyouideasmayseemfrightening.Agoodhypnotisthelpsyoutoseewhereyourmindishamperingyouandgivingyouideasthataren’tinyourbestinterest.Sheoffershypnoticsuggestionsforabetterlife.Self-hypnosisisatoolyoucanbringtobearatanytime.Itcanbeusedanywheretocalmyou,centeryou,andgetyoubackontrackwithyourpositiveself-talk.

PracticeReallyDoesMakePerfectLikeeverythingelseyouhavelearnedinthisbook,practicingwillmakeyou

moreeffective.Youhave“practiced,”unknowingly,usingnegativeself-talk.Itwilltakepracticetolearnnew,healthybehaviors.Toemployself-hypnosisanduseiteffectively,takethefollowingsteps:

1. Developapositive,calming“trigger.”Youcandothisbysittinginaquietplacetorelax.Itshouldbesomewhereyouwillnotbeinterruptedandthat

isrelaxingandcomfortableforyou.Haveyourbacksupported,yourfeetflatonthefloor,andyourhandsrestinglooselyinyourlap.Closeyoureyes.

2. Takethreedeepbreaths.Breatheindeeplythroughyournose.Imaginethereisadeflatedballooninyourstomachandyouarefillingitwithyourbreath.Seetheballoonfillasyoubreathedeeplyin.Breatheoutthroughyourmouthandimaginetheballoondeflatingasyoudo.It’simportantthatyourbreathingiscenteredonyourstomachareaandnotyourchest.Breathingthroughthestomachallowsyoutotakedeep,cleansingbreaths.

3. Sitquietlywithyoureyesclosedandfocusonyourbreathing.Allowyourbreathingtocontinueinacalmandsoothingfashion.Doyourbesttoemptyyourmindofthoughtsandfeelings.Whenthoughtscomein,gentlypushthemaway.Imaginethereisajanitorwithabroomwhogentlypushesoutanythoughtorfeelingthattriestoenter.Yourgoalistoleaveyourmindopenandreceptivetopositiveideas.

4. Whenyouareready,andyourmindisopen,focusonsomethingthatissoothingtoyou.Forsomepeopleitishearingthewavesatthebeach.Forothersitiswalkingthroughaforestonacrispmorninglisteningtobirdsandthecrunchoftheleaves.Othersmayimaginetakingawarmbathorsittingbyafire.Allowyourmindtoholdtheimageofaplacewhereyoufeelatpeace.Makeitaplacewhereyouarerested,relaxed,andcalm.Continuetofocusonthisuntilyoufeelyourbodylettinggo.Letyourmusclesrelax.Letyourshouldersdroopandreleaseanytension.Moveyourheadandneckifneedbetoreleasetensionthatgathershere.Allowyourbody,alongwithyourmind,tosimplyslipintoacalm,beautiful,andsereneimaginedplace.

5. Whenyoufeelyourbodyreleasingandyoucanreallyembracethefeelingofbeingcalmandcentered,it’stimetoestablishyourpersonaltrigger.Putthefirstthreefingersofyourhand(yourthumb,yourforefinger,andyourmiddlefinger)togetherandformatouchpoint.Allowthesefingerstotouch

andinyourmindassociatethetouchingwithyourrelaxedandcalmstate.Inyourmind,say,“EverytimeItouchthesethreefingerstogether,Ibecomecalmandrelaxed.”Saythisoverandovergentlytoyourself.Don’tforceit,butallowthesensationtopermeate.Beawareasyousaythisofhowcalmandrelaxedyoufeel.Ifyouwantadifferenttrigger,youcantouchyourtoestogetherasyousitthere.Associateyourtoesgentlytouchingwithyourrelaxedstate.Again,repeattoyourself,“EverytimeItouchmytoes,anywhereIam,Iimmediatelyfeelrelaxedandcalm.”It’simportanttocreateanassociationsothatanywhere,atanytime,youcancalluponthetriggertosendamessagetoyourbodytocalm.

Dothisexerciseatleasttwiceadayforfivetosevenminutes.Onceyoumastertheprocess,youcandothisanywhere.Youmightputyourseatbackinyourcarandpracticethisinaparkinglot.(Besuretolockyourdoorsbeforeyoudosoinordertostaysafe.)Youcandothisbeforeyougotobedatnight,butbesuretosituprightsothatyoudon’tfallasleepintheprocess.Yourtriggerwillbewithyouatalltimes.Everytimeyoufeelanxietyrising,

oranegativeresponseabouttooccur,youcanengageyourtriggerandsendamessagetoyourbodytobecomecalmandmorecenteredinthatmoment.

Tool2:BecomeaFriendtoYourself

Oneofthewaysthatnegativeself-talkstealsfromyouisthatitvisitsyouasafriend.Itpretendsitcanfixsomethingforyoubytellingyoustoriesaboutwhat’sgoingtohappennext,andhowyouneedtorespond.Thistoolhelpsyoureallybecomeyourownbestfriend.Itinvolvestheartof

steppingoutsideofyourmindasitistalkingtoyouandviewingwhat’shappeningtoyou.Whatdoesthismean?Itmeansdevelopingtheabilitytobemoreobjectiveandwatchfulaboutwhatyoudo,whatyouthink,andhowyouapproachthings.Thisprocessallowsyoutobemoreobjectiveandmorecuriousaboutwhatyouthinkandwhyyouthinkit.Itisnotaboutjudgingorcriticizing

aboutwhatyouthinkandwhyyouthinkit.Itisnotaboutjudgingorcriticizingbutratheraboutlearningandbeinginterestedinthe“why?”

1. Resolvethatyouwanttolearnmoreaboutwhatyouthink,hownegativeself-talkcreepsin,andhowitstealsfromyou.Insteadofdiminishingtheimpactithasonyou,youchooseinsteadtolearnaboutit.Thinkofthisasalearningprocess—theintentionistotakeaseriousinterestinwhat’shappening.Aswell,it’simportanttousethisprocesstostayawareofwhereandhownegativeself-talkvisitsyou.Youcan’tbecomedetachedandawareifyoudon’tevenknowwhat’shappening!

2. Adoptanairofcuriosityandbecomeadetective.Ratherthanusingmorenegativeself-talk(“See,thereIgo!Iamalwaysbeatinguponmyself!Didn’tIlearnanythingfromreadingthisbook?”),youwillnowbecomemorecurious,moreinterestedinwhatishappening.Insteadofreactingtoit,youwanttoexploreandlearnfromit.So,forexample,youmightsaytoyourselfthenexttimeyouareperusingsocialmediaandseeafriendistakingatrip,“Hmmm.That’ssointeresting.Iamreadingsomeone’spostsaboutacruiseshe’stakingandnowmynegativeself-talkiscomingtolifeabouthowIwillneverbeabletotakeavacationagain.WhydoIletittalktomeandmakemefeelworse?It’sinterestinghowjustreadingthisonepostsetmynegativityintomotion.IneedtowatchoutforthatthenexttimeIreadFacebookposts.It’sfascinatingtoseehowmymindtookholdandthenusedthatpostagainstme.Iwillbemuchmoreawarenexttime.”Youarenotcriticizingortryingtofixtheproblem.Youaresimplyacknowledgingit’sthere.Youarerecognizingarelationshipbetweenaneventandyourensuingnegativeself-talk.Byrecognizingit,thenexttimeyouwillbemoreawareoftheconnection.

3. Rememberthatanytime,anywhere,youhavetheabilitytoremoveyourselffromanemotionalreactionandreactwithobjectivityandinterest.Youalwayshavethechoicetosay“Hmmmm.Isn’tthatinteresting?”insteadof

respondinginanegative,emotionalfashion.It’stheemotionalpullthatcausestheanxietyandsmashesthecalm.Stepoutsidetoviewit,anddon’tgiveintoitnexttime.

Ifyouwant,youcanalsousethistooltotellyourselfadifferentstory.Oneofthenicethingsaboutbeinganobjectiveoutsiderlookingatyourownlifeandthoughtsisthatitgivesyouthechancetorewritethescript!Onceyourecognizetheunfoldingofnegativityandmakeachoicenottojudgeit,youcanchooseadifferentstoryending.Forexample,youcouldsay,“Yes,myfriendisgoingonacruise.Goodforherandherfamily.Itdoesn’timpactmylifeatall.Infact,IrealizeIhaveadistasteforcruising!IthinkIwillturnmyattentiontosomethingelserightnow.”Andthenyoudo.Youturnyourattentiontosomethingyoulike,orthatengagesyou.Perhapsyoustarttoputoneofyourplansintoplace,ormaybeyouuseyourpositiveself-talktoworktowardagoal.Whateveritis,youdeliberatelyturnawayfromthenegativityandtakeyourselfmentallydownanotherpath.

Tool3:TellingYourselfaDifferentStory

Theamazingthingaboutself-talkisthatyouprobablydon’trealizehowoftenyouareengagedinstorytelling.Storytellinghasbeenaroundforthousandsofyears.Allofthegreatspiritualteachersusedit,andeffectivemarketersuseittodayto“sell”theirwares.Whyisitsopowerful?Becausepeoplelovestories.Theyunderstandstories.Theycanrelatetostories.Storiesdrawpeopleinandgivethemsomethingtoholdonto.Theproblemwiththestoriesyouhavebeentellingyourselfwithyour

negativeself-talkisthattheydon’thaveahappyending!Wewanttoturnthemaroundandwritepositive,happyendingsinstead.

ThePowerofStorytelling

AccordingtoAdWeek.com,“Thereisagrowingbodyofresearchthatpointstothepowerofnarrativenotjustasawaytoengagepeople,butastheonlywaytochangedeeplyentrenchedviews.”Ifyoulikestories,youmightbeabletoaddstorytellingtoyourtoolkitasawaytochangeyourowndeeplyentrenchedviewsabouttheworldanditsimpactonyou.

Changingyourstoriesinvolvesrecognizingtheonesyouaretellingyourselfnow.Liketherestoftheexercisesinthisbook,thefirststepisawareness.Youhavetorealizewherethestoriescomeinandstarttotalktoyouandwhattheysay.Storiesarecompellingandgripping.Rightnowthestoriesyoutellyourselfarenotonesthatcalmyou,oryouwouldnotbereadingthroughthisbook.Tousethistool,youmustbecomeawareofthewaythatnegativeself-talk

looksatasituation,thentellsyouaboutit,andthentellsyouthewaythestoryisgoingtoend.Let’ssay,asanexample,thatyoureallywanttogetmarried.Youhadablind

datethisweekthatdidn’tturnoutwell.Yournegativeself-talkonthewayhomefromthedatetoldyou,“Whataloser.Iamamagnetforidiots.Iwillneverfindsomeone.”Thenthestorystartstoevolveoutofthenegativeself-talk.Youmighttell

yourselfthatyouneverdeservetobemarried.Thatyourchildhoodtaintedyouforever.Youmighttalkaboutyourfutureasan“oldmaid,”neverhavingchildrenorlearningwhatit’sliketoberomancedandseduced.Youmightgoonandonandonaboutyourfriendsandtheirlivesandcompareyourself.Beforeyouknowit,youhavewrittenyourlifestoryrelativetothisissue.Youknowhowthestoryends,andyou“giveup”becausethereisn’tanypointincontinuing.

1. Tobreakthecycleandtellyourselfmoreengagingandbehavior-changingstories,firstbecomeawareofhowthenegativereactionturnsintoastoryaboutthewayyourlifewillgo.Writeinyourjournal(ifyouhaven’tstarted

onebythistime,startitnow)aboutsituationsthatupsetyouorbotheryou.Identifyyournegativeself-talkassociatedwiththem.Reviewwhatyouhavewrittenandseeifyoucanconnectorunderstandhowthe“story”goesfromsimplyanegativereactiontoafaitaccompli.

2. Next,lookatthesituationyouhavewritteninyourjournal.Makeupanotherstoryabouthowitcoulddevelop.Youcanhavefunwiththis.Perhapstellastoryaboutawomanwhowasonabusonedayandfoundtheloveofherlife.Shewasn’tlookingforit,butallofasuddentherehewas!Youcanmakeyourstoryfun,andyoucanmakeitinthethirdpersonifitdoesn’tfeelrighttotalkaboutyourself.Theimportantthingistocreatethenewstory.Keepembellishingit.Youcanmakeitdramaticandcomplexorbasicandsimple.Itdoesn’tmatter—it’syourstory!Youarewritingtheplotline,thecharacters,andtheending.Makeyourendingshappyones.

Itmayseemsilly,butthisactuallyorientsyourmindtomorepositivethings.Youmightfindyourselfsmilingorjustfeelinghappywhenyouengageinthestorytellingprocess.Itoftenbringsasenseofhopeandoptimism.Itiswhy,aschildren,manyenjoyfairytalesandhappyendings.Wewantthegoodguystowin,andthebadguystobepunished—inmostcases.Makesurethatyou,asthegoodguyorgalwiththestarringrole,comeoutawinnerinallofyourstories.

Tool4:UsingtheSTOP!Technique

Sometimesit’snecessarytointerrupttheflowofnegativethoughtsandfeelingsinyourmindbydoingsomethingabitdramatic.TheSTOP!approachinvolvesfirstnoticingthenegativethoughtsarethereandthenchoosingtostopthemintheirtracks.

1. Whenanegativethoughtorfeelingcomesuponyou,andyounoticeitbecauseitdrainsyourenergyandyoufeeleitherangry,depressed,or

defeated,youmustfirstrealizethenegativityisthere.2. Imaginearedstopsignattheendofastreetleadingtoanintersection.Say

outloudtoyourself,“STOP!”Interrupttheflow.Tellyourmindtostopinitstracks.Stoptherollingthoughtsasyouwouldstoptherollingcarbeforeitenterstheintersection.Saytoyourself,“IchoosetoSTOP!”Andthendo.Juststop.Don’twonder.Don’truminate.Don’tquestion.Juststop.

3. Itcanbehelpfultohaveapositivethoughttoreplacethenegativeone.Ifyouhaveamantrathatyoulikeoraprayer,meditation,orsongthatmakesyoufeelgood,havethisready.Onceyoustopthenegativeflow,turntothepositiveandupliftingthoughts.Youmaycallupononeofthepositiveself-talksentencesyouhavelearnedthroughoutthisbook.Youmayjustcalluponaone-ortwo-linesongthathasalwaysmadeyoufeelgood.Whateveryouhaveinyourtoolkit,bringitoutnowandfocusonit.Theimportantkeyistostoptheruminating,andthenreplaceitwithsomethingmorepositiveandmoreresourceful.

4. Dothisasmanytimesasyouneedtountilthenegativeself-talkhasleft.Continuetoreplacethenegativitywithsomethingpositive.STOPthenegativityrightinitstracksbeforeitcanaddmorefueltoyourworryoranxiety.Youcanstopit—choosetodoso.

Tool5:FindingaPartner

Theinsidiousthingaboutnegativeself-talkisthatmanypeopledon’twanttoadmittoothersthattheyengageinitandthatitishurtingthem.Itjustseemsnaturaltotalktoyourselfaboutwhatyousee,whatyouthinkaboutit,andhowitmightimpactyou.Allthewhileyourmindisunsettledandanxietyisrising.Havingabuddy,orapartner,canbeveryusefulbecauseitmeansyoucanbringnegativeself-talktothesurfaceandquestionit.Whenyoubegintotalktoothers,youwillfindthatmanypeoplesuffertheconsequencesofnegativeself-talkinavarietyofways.

1. Ifpossible,identifysomeoneinyourlifewhoseemsillatease.Perhapsthepersonworriestoomuch,ortellsyouabouthisconcerns.Hemighttalkaboutsituationsinanegativelight.Thispersonmayneedyourhelp,andinturnyoucouldbenefitfromhisassistance.Approachhimandlethimknowyouarereadingthisbookandhavebecomecommittedtoworkingwithyournegativeself-talkandturningitintosomethingmorepositiveandhealthy.Askhimifhe’dbewillingtobea“buddy”withyou.Picksomeonethatyoucantrustandwithwhomyouwouldbecomfortablesharingyourthoughtsandfeelingsinsomedetail.

2. First,establishsomeparameters.Willyoucheckineachday?Willyoucheckinwhenyoufeeloverwhelmedbythenegativeself-talk?Willyoucheckinviae-mailorviaphone?Howwillyouworktogethertohelponeanother?Next,youwanttoestablishwhatyouwilltalkabout.Doyouwanttoeachidentifyonetothreeincidentsduringatimeperiodwhereyouresortedtonegativeself-talkanditwasnotbeneficial?Doyouwanttopracticeturningnegativeself-talkintopositiveself-talktogether?Doyouwanttoexploreoptionswithoneanotheraboutwhatyoucouldhavesaid,ordone?Last,haveafollow-upplan.It’snotenoughtojustidentifywhat’shappening—youhavetohaveagreementwithoneanotheraboutwhatyouwilldodifferently.Youwanttoobservetheplaceswhereyougetintotroublebutalsocelebratetheprogressyouaremaking.

3. Usethefollowingtemplateforworkingwithyourpartnertotakeholdofyouranxietyandcalmyouranxiousmindwithmorepositiveself-talk.

Nameofmypartner:Whenwewillconnect:Howwewillconnect:Ourobjectivetogether:Groundrulesforourworkingtogether:Ourfollow-upplanseachtimewespeak:

Themoreyoucandiscussupfrontthemannerinwhichyouwillinteracttogether,thebetteroutcomeyouwillhave.Youwillfindyoubenefitfromhavinganotherpersonwhoisopentolearningmoreandwillingtotalkabouthisexperiences.

PositiveSelf-TalkIsNotaNewConcept!ÉmileCoué(1857–1926),aphysician,formulatedtheLawsofSuggestion.Heisalsoknownforencouraginghispatientstosaytothemselvestwentytothirtytimeseachnightbeforegoingtosleep,“Everydayineveryway,Iamgettingbetterandbetter.”Healsodiscoveredthatdeliveringpositivesuggestionatthesametimehewasgivingpatientstheirmedicineprovedtobeamoreeffectivecurethanprescribingmedicinealone.

Tool6:HandyAffirmations

Thereareanumberofdifferentgeneralaffirmationsyoucanuseatanytimeandputintoyourpersonaltoolkit.ReferbacktotheassessmentyoucompletedinChapter2.Youwereaskedtoidentifyareasthatareparticularlyunsettlingtoyouandthatcreateanxiety.Youmayhaveidentifiedthingsthatarehardertopindown,suchasagenerallackofself-worthorguiltoverthingsyouhavedoneinthepast.Thesemaynotbetiedtoaspecificcatalystorevent.Theymaycomeuponyouatanypointintimeandcauseyourmindtogetanxiousandupset.Asyouhavelearned,thewaynegativeself-talkworksisthatitsneaksin

unannounced.Youmaybegoingaboutyourdaythinkingyouarereasonablycontentandhappy,andallofasuddenanagitationstartswithin.Probablywhathashappenedisthatnegativeself-talkhaspickedupononeofthethingsthatmakesyouanxious—say,thinkingaboutpasttroubleyouhavebeenin—anditbeginstotalktoyouaboutwhatajerkyouwere,howyoucannevermakeupforthetroubleyoucaused,andwhataterriblepersonyouturnedouttobe!Becauseofthisdynamic,youneedsomegeneralaffirmationstocarryaround

withyouthatyoucancalluponatanytime.Unliketheotherpositiveself-talk

withyouthatyoucancalluponatanytime.Unliketheotherpositiveself-talkyouhavelearnedabout,whichisconnectedtospecificsituationsordesires,thesearemoregeneralaffirmationstobeusedinanycircumstance.Liketheothertoolsinyourtoolkit,youholdontotheseandbringthemoutwhenyouneedthem.

PositiveAffirmationsforAllOccasions

“Everydayineveryway,Iamgettingbetterandbetter”(attributedtoÉmileCoué).“Lifeisfundamentallygood.Itisonlymyattitudethatneedstochangeforthebetter.”“Imovetowardhappinessandcontentmenteveryday.”“Icanchoosetobecalmanytimebytakingthreedeepbreaths.”“WorryiswastedenergythatImightneediftroubleeverdoescomemyway.IsavemyenergytodealwiththingsastheycomeandwhenIneedto.”“Ichoosehappiness.”“IcanuninvitenegativethoughtsandfeelingsanytimeIchoose.Ipicturemyselflettingthemgo.”“Ithinkpositivethoughts.Ifeelpositivefeelings.Iamapositiveperson.”“Lifeisfilledwithobstacles,butsowhat?Peoplehavebeenovercomingobstaclessincethebeginningoftime.SocanI.”“Iaminchargeofmythoughtsandmyfeelings.”“Feelingnegativeisawasteoftime.Iamonlygivensomanydaysonthisearth,andIwanttomakethemostoftheonesIamgiven.”“IdeliberatelyturnmyattentiontoapositivestepIcantake.”“Icanalwayschoosetodojustonethingdifferently.”“Iholdthepowertochooseinfavorofmyself.Ichoosecalm.Ichoosecontentment.Ichoosepeace.”

“Iamcapable.Imakegooddecisions.Ionlyneedtochangemymindsetandmyself-talk,andmysituationcanchange.”“Imakemymindablank.Insteadofworrying,stressing,orgivingintoanxiety,Ichoosetoallowmymindtobeablankcanvas.What’spaintedonthecanvasnextwillbegoodforme.Iamdrawntopositiveoutcomes.”

PackingYourToolkit

Reviewtheoptionsavailabletoyouinthischapter.Itcanbehelpfultotestoutmorethanoneandseewhatworksbestforyou.Andonsomedays,youmayneedtocalluponanumberofdifferenttools.Youmayfindthatonetoolworksgreatinonesituation,andanotherworkswellforsomethingelse.Usethemwherethey’reappropriate.(Don’tcloseyoureyesoruseself-hypnosiswhenyouaredriving,forexample.Don’ttellyourstoriesoutloudtopeoplewhodon’tknowwhatyouaredoing.)Besureyouchecktimeandplaceandcallupontherighttoolattherighttime.Thegoodnewsisthatyoucanuseallofthesetoolsindifferentsituations.

Rememberthatyouarepowerfulandyouhavewaystorespondtothosesituationsthathavecausedyouanxietyinthepast.Youcancalmyourownanxiousmindbytakingtherightsteps.Youaremakingadecisiontostarttakingthosestepsrightnow.Goodluckonyourjourney!

AbouttheAuthor

BeverlyD.Flaxington,theHumanBehaviorCoach,isatwo-timebestsellingandGold-awardwinningauthor.Sheisacorporateconsultantandtrainer,anexecutivecoach,asuccessfulentrepreneur,aHypnotherapistandHypnosisTrainer,acollegeprofessor,amotivationalpublicspeaker,andaCertifiedBehavioralandValuesAnalyst.Bev’sworkhasbeenfeaturedinhundredsofmediaoutletsincludingtheWallStreetJournal,MSNBC.com,Reader’sDigest,USAToday,andmanyothers.Sheisaprovenexpertinhumanbehaviorandchangemanagement,sales,

marketing,stressmanagement,hypnosis,timemanagement,lifeandcareerchange,teambuilding,communication,andbusinessbuilding.Bevisalsodevotedtoanimalrescueandcurrentlyhassevenpetsofherowninadditiontomultiplefosters.ShelivesinMassachusettswithherhusbandandthreechildren.

Acknowledgments

WiththankstoPeterArcherforhiseditingtalent,toVictoriaSandbrookforfindingmeandproposingthisidea,andtoBrendanO’Neillformakingitallhappen.

Copyright©2013byBeverlyD.Flaxington.Allrightsreserved.

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