The Secret Life of Eating At Brown

WHAT IS THIS?

I wanted to leave Brown knowing I’d done something to promote a more

enlightened conversation about eating. It felt to me like from day one, everybody

talked to me about sex in a really positive and open-minded way, and like a lot of

young women I know, I never felt too burdened with guilt or shame about it. But

food was different for me. In high school, I’d been anorexic, which had in turn

become a binge eating disorder, but by college, I was sort of normal, at least to the

casual observer. Inside, I felt like a crazy mess. Though my eating habits were fairly

regular, even healthy, and my weight remained within a normal range, I felt stressed

out all the time about food. I also felt very tainted, like I had a big secret that would

always force me to be unhappy, and alone. My biggest fear was that it was just me,

that everybody else was totally fine with food, but somehow I was the neurotic mess

who would always be faking it. Today I am both relieved and deeply saddened to

know that it isn’t just me, not by a long shot.

I want to be clear, this piece isn’t about how everybody in the world has an eating

disorder, because they don’t. Some people are doing great, and that’s great.

Disordered eating is complicated, and highly charged along lines of class, race,

gender, and even relationship dynamics. It so happened that many of the people

who responded to my anonymous survey wanted to share that they have struggled

in some way with their relationships to food. While I admit this was a self-selecting

demographic, I think it also represents a fairly accurate cross-section of what’s

going on in our community with many people we know and care about. This piece

isn’t perfect, and I know that some people might find it alienating. If that’s you, I

apologize, and I welcome your feedback. Nonetheless, I truly believe that beyond

people’s individual experiences, there is a crisis in our society about food and eating,

and we NEED to talk about it more honestly.

The story we are told goes something like this: In our society, everybody wants to be

skinny, so some people go crazy and become anorexic or bulimic, and everybody

else is either normal or fat or a guy. I have few certainties in life, but I know for a

fact that the reality is a lot more complicated.

These monologues are mostly verbatim quotes from the submissions I received. On

a couple of occasions, I created composites where it felt appropriate. But by and

large, I wanted to create a forum in which other people could express their thoughts

and feelings, so that we all might feel a little less alone. So without further ado...

THE DREAM

I had a dream the other day that speaks to how much my weight has affected my life;

I'll give some background first. When I was in seventh grade, I was 5'7" and weighed

126.5 pounds naked in the morning. In science class, the teacher asked for

volunteers to give their weights (to calculate their weight on the moon, maybe?),

and the two cutest boys in class said they weighed 126 and 127 pounds each. I was

devastated; I weighed as much as an attractive man--(I thought at the time)! Flash

forward to now, when I have a crush on a guy, who I know isn't interested in me,

and I worry that maybe if I were smaller, he would like me. Back to the dream part...

So a few days ago, I dreamt that this guy I know now weighed himself in front of me,

and he was 126.5 pounds. I was devastated in the dream, and I was devastated when

I woke up and realized how cruel my dreams can be to me. People told me I was thin

when I was a teenager, but I never believed them. I am becoming thinner now

because I am eating more thoughtfully, and my scale's battery died. The death of its

battery is probably the best thing that has ever happened for my weight. It's hard to

keep eating healthy when progress is slow in weight loss. I end up obsessing over

my weight and eating more. I am very aware of what I eat now, and I feel like I'm in

a really good place with food.

THE ROOMMATE

I eat when I'm hungry...usually. In the mornings, I wait as long as I possibly can to

eat, because once I start for the day I just keep going. I kind of feel accomplished

when I get to the point in an afternoon, having not eaten yet, when I stop feeling

hungry and just feel tired. It's like my stomach has given up, and I feel like my brain

has won. I know it's bad to feel that way, but it's true. I love starches. Bread,

crackers, cereal, plus fruits and veggies, so that's what I usually eat. Simple starches

make me feel so good when I'm feeling nauseous (which is actually a lot, since I

don't sleep enough), but I get really self-conscious when I'm sitting with my friends

eating a ton of crackers or bread or cereal as I work, until I feel better, and they're

not. I eat what I'm in the mood for when I'm alone and unobserved.

These days, eating with my roommate causes me some serious anxiety. Last year,

before we lived together, we ate together all the time at the Ratty and we ate near-

identical meals. We also baked delicious things together. This summer, we made a

list of recipes we wanted to try out when we got back to school. Now that we're both

off meal plan, it seems like she eats a lot less, and a lot "healthier" than I do. I make

an omelet with two eggs, sauteed veggies, a little cheese, and some toasted bread for

dinner. She has fat-free greek yogurt or cottage cheese with a sprinkle of flax seeds,

and maybe some carrots. And now I feel disgusting in comparison. I really want to

eat with her or my other suitemates and have some company, but it always ends up

making me feel bad about myself and super self conscious, just because I'm eating

good, still healthy food that I enjoy...or at least, that I was enjoying. When I want to

cook something together, inevitably she doesn't like what I'm suggesting, or doesn't

want to make as much as I think would be enough. It's worse when I want to bake,

which I LOVE (and I thought she did, too). She isn't a fan of dessert, will eat one bite,

and then I'm the one left with a couple dozen cookies that I want to eat but don't

have anyone to share with (even my male friends turn them down--what?!). I can't

tell if she has any issues with food, because she insists it's all just what makes her

feel good and healthy, but it makes me feel so anxious to eat with her that I want to

cry. It's going to get worse when Lent begins and she gives up all additive

sweeteners.

IF YOU COULD ASK SOMEBODY ELSE ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD,

WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW?

Nothing.

-Do you worry about calories or content of food?

-What foods do you consider good for you?

-How often in a day/week do you worry you’re eating too much?

-What are your favorite foods?

-What goes through your mind when the waiter asks if you want desert?

-Are you gonna finish that?

-How can I change?

-I would want to ask my past self, what if feels like to eat something without doing a

quick analysis of its health benefits/calorie count before doing so. I want to

remember what it feels like to have a free and comfortable relationship with food.

-How do you stop it?

-Do you only eat when you feel hungry?

-Does the presence of food at social events impact how they feel about going to the

events?

-I would know how vegetarians think their diet is actually healthier. Most

vegetarians just eat pasta and carbs. They don't even eat vegetables! I don't really

get it. Also why do people love frozen veggie burgers? They're highly processed and

gross. I also would love to know how an eating disorder develops? I have no idea

how that would go.

LUXURY

I grew up in extreme poverty with several bouts of homelessness along the way.

Food was always scarce and controlled. Every juice came from a cardboard and tin

can of concentrate and the only vegetables purchased were those that did not perish

easily carrots, onions, corn. My mom went shopping only once a month on the bus

with the granny cart and three puny kids to drag everything back home. We never

bought more than 3-4 days worth of potentially perishable veggies or fruit we just

couldn’t afford to risk them going bad. Dinner for my entire childhood was the

same: some kind of meat, a veggie out of a can and a 10 minute make and serve box

of pasta or rice. The variety in my diet was limited and my exposure to non

traditional food was even more rare. I was also never allowed to cook for fear that I

would ruin the little food resources we had.

Throughout my time in college and my 20's I felt like a stranger to seeing food as

something readily available. I would eat everything on my plate even when full

because I knew what it was like to go without while friends would dump plates full

of food after taking one bite. I would hoard free food because I still held feelings of

not knowing where or when my next meal next meal was going to come from

despite having a full meal plan when I was college.

People poked jokes at my breakfast diet of cereal (a luxury for me) and were

horrified that I pretty much axed the entire category of veggies from the list of

things I just would not eat along with Asian food. They were foreign to me and I was

not willing to waste my precious money or time on things I wasn't sure of when it

came to food. Food is so embedded in class culture it really makes one of the main

ways people share time together difficult for me.

The biggest fight my partner and I have had to date was predicated on the way we

were treating each other because of our views of food. These views are very much

steeped in our class backgrounds. We struggle with our approaches to food daily

and very little of it has to do with meat despite the fact that my partner is a

vegetarian and I am not. I still have an aversion (fear) to food I don’t know which is

a lot including almost all vegetables. Despite having some extra money these days I

don’t like ordering/ making new things for fear that I will ruin/ not like them and it

will be a waste of my hard earned money. I also have an aversion to cooking with

new items because it shows how little I know about preparing or making recipes

with them. Overall food is one of the most difficult aspects of our relationship as it is

something you do together every day!

I don’t think about food very much. The act of eating is not one filled with the

excitement of cooking or potential of the new and delicious. Food is just the material

we need to be able to move about in the world.

I would be interested in knowing where the prevalence of disordered eating occurs

in the class spectrum. It is mainly a middle class problem? How do you separate self

inflicted disordered eating from system inflicted disordered eating (ie poverty)?

ON FOOD

Food is one of the few things about being a living breathing human that we can

commodify without ruining. We ruin everything else, but we really got food right. I

bless my lucky stars for my food every time I sit down for a meal. It brings me joy in

life. When I'm done with one meal I start thinking and dreaming about the next.

When I was little my mom would compare me to the fat dalmatian in 101

Dalmatians; he's the one whose only line is "mother I'm hungry." Maybe not his only

line, but definitely his catch phrase. I have an incredibly healthy relationship with

food. I never feel guilty for eating certain foods, knowing that if I were to have a

negative relationship with them it could lead to a more serious problem. I do think

my relationship with food is healthier than most because I have grown to love my

body the way it is. Sometimes food makes me anxious... foods that are mushy, but

not meant to be mushy freak me out. Like cooked tomatoes. I like pie! I attach food

with family. I look forward to cooking for a family one day. I love reading and

writing about food. Food TV, I watch a lot of it. When I travel, the first thing I think of

is what can I eat there. I actually don't think I could be friends with people who were

ambivalent about food. A love of food to me speaks a lot to someone's personality -

to me someone who loves food loves sharing it, which speaks to a generosity of

spirit, a sense of adventure, and an appreciation for the simple pleasures in life. No, I

could never love a vegan.

LET’S HEAR FROM THE BOYS

Last year I did this Uber-man sleep schedule thing. You’re supposed to get all your

sleep from 6 20-minute naps throughout the day, so then you have 22 hours to do

whatever you want. It took me 5 days to transition into it, and they were pretty

much the 5 shittiest days of my life. After that it went uphill though. I did it for about

3 months, and it felt pretty okay. It just got inconvenient trying to schedule my naps,

because if you miss one, it’s really a problem. I would do it again, but not while I’m

still at Brown. I don’t have another 5 days to burn like that. I have plans for spring

break.

I really like the idea of using modern science and technology to outsmart your body.

But also, you want to return to what conditions were like in like Paleolithic times

when people were really using their bodies. The way we live today is pretty

unnatural, and most people aren’t in good enough shape. I’m a pretty big guy and I

work out a lot, so I need a shit ton of protein to keep going throughout the day.

Sometimes during a work out I get light-headed and it sucks, and sometimes I just

get scared I’m going to get light-headed and that sucks too. So yeah, protein is really

important. I did the paleo thing for a little bit, and I felt like my body was running

pretty efficiently, but I got tired of all the dietary restrictions. It felt kind of weird

and to be honest a little bit girly having to ask if there was gluten or soy or

whatever. I hate it when girls are really anxious about what they’re eating.

I had a buddy in high school who was on the wrestling team, and he kept getting told

by his coach that he needed to drop weight classes, and he actually started acting

pretty weird, throwing up, skipping meals, that kind of thing. I think that’s different

than anorexia or bulimia though. I think the motivation is important. A lot of girls

just want to look thinner because of all the insane shit in the media, and they have

body dismorphia, and they think they’re fat even when they’re not. Guys aren’t so

worried about being fat, but you want to look strong. If food’s not helping you bulk

up, it’s probably just making you fat. I should probably be healthier and eat more

vegetables and drink less alcohol, but I’m young so I feel like I can probably get away

with it, at least until I’m older.

My friend’s girlfriend was super fucked up, and had to get hospitalized because she

wasn’t eating anything. It was hard for him, because clearly they couldn’t be in a

romantic kind of relationship while she was so sick, but it’s not like he could break

up with her either. So he did the right thing, and stuck around and even went to

therapy with her a couple of times. Supposedly when girls develop eating disorders

like that it’s about control. His girlfriend was really smart and hot and seemed pretty

confident, but she needed that element of control in her life. I actually think girls can

get away with having a little more weight on them than guys can. Because women

are historically softer, but for a guy, if you can’t hunt, you’re just a fat piece of shit.

HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK ABOUT FOOD?

-A lot. I love food! It’s one of my favorite things. I also love the social aspect of it:

eating out with friends, cooking together, etc.

-All the time. Waking up is easier when I think about what I can eat immediately. I

plan out how hungry I'll likely be throughout the day and what snacks I can eat, or

meals I can purchase or make. Also being off meal plan makes me have to plot out

how much food I actually have to make the meals I would like to eat.

-Constantly.

-Not as much as I used to. At night I'll think about dinner the next day and what I

may need to purchase. Thinking about food is something I don't associate with

comfort as I used to years ago.

-I think about food mostly around my meal times. Other than that I try not to think

about it.

-Meow meow meow I love food so much give me some right now

-95% of the time

-too much

-All the time.

-ALL THE TIME

-All the time. I almost purchased a magazine because it had 100 bacon recipes.

-All the time. Too much perhaps. My instagram feed is 98% food.

-I think about food on and off for most of the day, so probably it's somewhere in the

back of my mind about 75% of the day. Although I'll take mentally planning what

I'm making for lunch/ afternoon snack over mentally planning a binge/ purge any

day.

CHOCOLATE CHIP MUFFIN

At one of my club meetings yesterday we had to go around and share our high, low,

and then what our favorite baked good was. People shared things like blueberry pie

or red velvet cake, but I kind of just sat there raking my brain because I don't think I

have a favorite baked good. Firstly, the last dessert-like product I ate was TWO

peanut butter M&Ms a little over a month ago and the last time I had something

remotely baked good-like was Christmas because my family was watching. My

eating disorder also was screaming at me that I was weak because I had a small

square of gingerbread AND a couple cookies of Christmas Eve. Clearly, I was at a loss

of what I say here considering I felt immensely guilty eating the gingerbread and

Christmas cookies. Then I started to think about muffins like the giant muffins that

the Blue Room has on display. For years I always wanted one of those muffins but I

was always too embarrassed to buy one because I thought everyone around me

would judge me for my poor food choice despite being of average weight. Finally,

after years of deprivation I broke down one day during the stress of mid-terms and

ended up eating three, along with some brownies, and a gallon of ice cream during

had pretty horrific binge and purge. I wasn't sure if it was fair to include something

that I had eaten during an eating disorder behavior as part of my favorite food list.

During that time I had just shoved the muffins down my throat as quickly as

possible barely tasting them with the express purpose of getting them up again.

Unfortunately, it was my turn next and I explained how my thesis was going badly

and paused for a moment before the baked good part, I finally just said "chocolate

chip muffin! like at the Blue Room!" I think I genuinely liked them once when I was

younger. The group leader explained how she was probably going to bring us all

some type of home baked good the next week and everyone was like "yay!." In the

back of my mine I knew I wouldn't eat it, it would just take too much mental effort to

be worth it. Sometimes I hope for the day that I can just casually arrive at a meeting

and of my own free will decide if I want a baked good or walk into a cafe and grab a

muffin for breakfast (1/2 a muffin is 2 grains and 1 fat on my meal plan, but who

eats 1/2?!), but most days I want to do what is easy and what keeps me trapped in

the same place month after month.

HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE ‘DISORDERED EATING?’ HOW PREVALENT IS IT?

This is probably not a great definition, but I think of disordered eating as treating

food as something other than nourishment. Whether it's treating it as the enemy, or

as a coping mechanism to deal with emotional stresses, it's regularly eating or not

eating in a way that is not healthy for the body or spirit.

SLEEPING

My eating disorder started the summer before I entered 11th grade, pretty

innocently at first. I wanted to lose some weight, and I was fat, so nobody was

worried about it. I’m a pretty disciplined person when I want to be, so I just decided

one day that I was going to eat mainly fruits and vegetables, and that was what

happened. It’s easier to just say no to the bad foods, than it is to figure out a

moderate and healthy approach to living and eating, but I didn’t know that yet. I

thought I was being kickass, and looked down on other people whose wills were less

strong. I started losing weight. Everybody thought I looked awesome. Meanwhile, I

was totally obsessed with how many calories I was eating every day. I would panic

over an individual bite beyond what I had rationed myself for hours, days, even. I

felt constantly anxious, waited minute by minute for when it would be ‘meal time,’

when I could finally wolf down the little Kashi bar I had carried around in my

backpack all day like a talisman. I couldn’t really taste what I was eating, and it was

over so quickly it was like it hadn’t even happened. I waited desperately for the next

meal, already feeling guilty over the calories I had consumed at the previous. I

started waking up early. I had always been an early riser, but now, the temptation of

my little breakfast bar was far more powerful than that of a couple of hours of sleep.

I usually ate breakfast at around 7:40, so what was the difference if I just pushed it

up to 7, 6, 5, 4…

I couldn’t sleep for more than an hour without eating. All night long, back and forth

from my bedroom to the kitchen, tensed for any sign of my parents being awake,

terrified that they might catch me in my shame and call me out for having a problem.

I didn’t want to eat any calories, so I would binge on heads of lettuce, celery stalks,

bags of frozen broccoli. I had become highly adept at tuning out the sensations of my

body, but as I slept, my bloated and miserable stomach caused me terrible

nightmares. A lot of them were about losing control of my body, being administered

lethal injections, force-fed. This persisted for years. I dug myself into a deep-ass

hole. At Brown, my freshman roommate did not mention my nightly binges, but I

knew in my bones that this couldn’t go on, that I wouldn’t be able to have a serious

romantic relationship or a successful career if I didn’t get my chronic binge eating

under control. For the first time in my life, I encountered the concept of body

positivity, as well as Eastern contemplative practices. I thought I could see a

glimmer of what a different life could look like, guided by these ideas, and not by my

ritualistic food habits. Getting there would take a long time, and a lot of emotional

letting go. As I began to try and stop the bad habits, I experimented with talk

therapy and meds, but I felt like the dominant psychological methodology wasn’t

helping me. I turned to yoga, journaling, prayer, and anything else I could think of. It

was desperately, desperately difficult to overcome urges, and now on top of the fear

of breaking the rules, I had the dreadful knowledge of what it was I had done, and

how stupid it had been. Anxiety worse than anything I had ever experienced broke

over me, leaving me literally shaking anytime I was confronted with food. All day

long, I would try not to think about bingeing, which just led to thinking about

bingeing, which led to bingeing, etc. I was having daily flashbacks to my childhood,

moments of being teased for being fat or of using food to feel better, and these left

me feeling vulnerable and disoriented. I cried and cried and wanted to go to sleep

forever. But then one day I realized that somewhere along the line, I’d learned how

to sleep through the night again. Little by little, I was getting better. Today, I feel

proud of the progress I’ve made. I’m not perfect, but I’m a lot better adjusted than I

used to be. I don’t feel like my fear around food prevents me from living my life in

any major way. It just flits around me, like a fly I wish I could swat away. Lately, I’ve

been trying to own my story a little bit more, to see if I can connect with other

people who’ve been through similar experiences. I’m a lot more empathetic than I

ever used to be, and so much more at home in my body. A few months ago, I had a

conversation with a cousin of mine, who it turns out has also struggled with an

eating disorder. She said: “If you’re at rock bottom, you think there is no hope, and

no help. But then you survive— you realize that there is hope, and there is help, and

the next time you feel that way, you know you’ll get through it.” I feel that my rock

bottom is behind me, that I have found within myself a source of both hope and help.

WE HAVE ARRIVED AT A NEW NORMAL IN OUR SOCIETY: IF YOU WANT TO

ACHIEVE OUR STANDARDS OF PHYSICAL PERFECTION, YOU HAVE TO FIGHT

AGAINST YOUR BODY.

THIS ATTITUDE IS DAMAGING TO EVERYONE, AND ULTIMATELY IS NOT

SUSTAINABLE.

HOW CAN WE TURN THIS AROUND?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR FRIEND WAS STRUGGLING WITH AN EATING

DISORDER?

WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILD?