season that was · that was the season that was – 2011/12 – kumb.com 4 ... know about it being...

That Was The Season That Was – 2011/12 – KUMB.com

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Contents June ......................................................................................................................................... 3

July .......................................................................................................................................... 6

August ................................................................................................................................... 14

September ............................................................................................................................. 20

October ................................................................................................................................. 23

November ............................................................................................................................. 28

December .............................................................................................................................. 32

January .................................................................................................................................. 35

February ................................................................................................................................ 39

March .................................................................................................................................... 44

April ....................................................................................................................................... 48

May ....................................................................................................................................... 50


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June

The pre‐season period opens and, for a change we look outside the Boleyn goldfish bowl as, just for once, the funniest thing about the word of football at this time has absolutely nothing to do with West Ham United.

North of the border, Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov goes into plot‐losing meltdown on the Edinburgh club’s official site. Hearts’ failure to break the domination of those shy and retiring types at Rangers and Celtic is blamed entirely on “outside forces” such as the “mafia” who steal players, rig matches and generally mess things up for the Jambos.

As statements go it’s a corker from the man who allegedly fixed a vote on Lithuania’s version of Strictly Come Dancing in his own favour. As we say, it’s got absolutely nothing to do with us but it’s damned funny and suddenly SuGoBra only seem mildly mad in comparison.

Having been on holiday for a week or two since signing his contract (well it was a very heavy biro), Sam Allardyce is finally officially unveiled as the new boss as the club finally find a use for Benni McCarthy’s old training kit.

Big Sam, big cold sore


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Allardyce immediately breaks with tradition by announcing that no team of his would ever lose a match from 2‐0 up as we did up at Wigan. Give it time Sam, give it time.

Meanwhile an announcement appears on the forums of KUMB.com on behalf of a company willing to pay £3,000 to individuals willing to spend time undergoing clinical trials. The freshly unemployed Kieron Dyer turns down the opportunity on the grounds that he fancies a change of career.

The fixtures come out. Cardiff at home is the opener, a match immediately moved to the Sunday for TV purposes (a decision one suspects that also owes more than a little to input from the Met). This is followed by a first round tie at home to Aldershot in whatever the League Cup is officially called this year and a trip to Doncaster Rovers.

Though the dates for Millwall home and away are announced, few expect these games to be played on the stated date. My guess is that it’ll be played at 3am on an unannounced date with the first we know about it being the hush hush announcement of the result on Classic FM in between snippets of Beethoven and Mozart.

Spurs and Leyton Orient have another attempt to have a judicial review of the Olympic Stadium decision rebuffed by the High Court. However, using the Sheffield United tactic of “never mind the law just keep going back until you can find a judge stupid enough to agree with you”, the latest decision merely meets with another application to the courts.

The “out” door at the Boleyn is working overtime. Demba Ba takes his suspect knees to Newcastle, a relegation release clause in his contract meaning that the Geordies don’t have to touch any of the £35m received for Andy Carroll last term. Thomas Hitzlsperger, having indicated that he might be willing to stay on at the Boleyn depending on who comes in as manager, takes one look at Allardyce before activating the relegation release clause in his own contract.

Also on the way out is Radoslav Kovac for whom FC Basle have paid an “undisclosed” fee. Presumably the “undisclosed” nature of the transaction is to protect Basle from embarrassment at the prospect of admitting that they actually paid a fee for the player.

Zavon Hines is embroiled in contract discussions, seeking a raise in the pocket money he is being paid by SuGo. The club seem reluctant to increase Hines’ salary by a significant amount pointing out that even Kevin Keen still has a paper round.

Stoke cause mild amusement by offering £3m for Carlton Cole. Not to be outdone, neighbours Port Vale put in a bid of £2.50 and a packet of wine gums for Lionel Messi stating “if Stoke want to be daft, we can be dafter”.

Further silly season amusement is provided by Fulham whose owner Mohammed Fayed (the “Al” bit of his name is as bogus as the rest of him) takes the meaning of the word “bonkers” to a new level. Not content with erecting a pointless statue to the memory of Michael Jackson outside Craven Cottage, the ex‐owner of Harrods goes one delightfully mad step further by introducing a range of wacko merchandise in the club shop.


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Attempts to establish exactly how many t‐shirts showing the phoney pharaoh and Jacko pictured together meet with an embarrassed silence before the shop manager hangs up on me. Meanwhile, other trinkets available such as key rings and small statuettes contain the website warning “may contain small pieces that may be harmful to children”. Sometimes you have to really work hard for a punchline. This is not one of those times.

More rumours abound as Leeds’ Max Graidel and Craig Mackail‐Smith of Peterborough are linked with moves to the Boleyn. Mackail‐Smith eventually picks Brighton & Hove Albion as a destination despite Barry Fry’s rather public attempts to get us involved in further negotiations.

Sammy Lee resigns as coach at Liverpool. Apparently he has just heard that West Ham are after a fat bloke called Sam for a top role. The club later confirm that he won’t be coming to the Boleyn, a fact lamented by local bakeries and pie shops still reeling from the loss of Benni McCarthy related profits.

Kevin Keen decides to up sticks to join Steve Clarke up at Anfield where he is promised a bigger salary and protection from the bigger boys whilst doing his paper round.


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July

Shenanigans‐a‐plenty as the Olympic Stadium takes centre stage. The Legacy Company suspend Dionne Knight, an employee, over revelations that she has been paid as a consultant by the club, a fact of which the Legacy Company had previously been unaware. Meanwhile, the club temporarily suspend Olympic Project Director Ian Tompkins as it is revealed that he has been in a relationship with Ms Knight for some time.

As the dust settles it transpires that the club has been quite open with its dealings with Ms Knight and that there are serious concerns as to how private financial dealings became public. The club announces legal action against Spurs, who it seems have resorted to using a private investigator in their rather shabby attempts to move upmarket, and against the Sunday Times who have been conned into acting as Spurs’ mouthpiece over the affair.

Another part of the Murdoch empire is in trouble over ‘phone hacking claims as it transpires that the News Of The World has been listening into the messages of murder victims and the families of dead servicemen, as well as the hundreds of two‐bob so‐called celebrities who couldn’t otherwise buy that sort of publicity. Thousands are left wondering as to how they will be able to keep up with the lives of Ashley and Cheryl Cole as the NOTW closes down for good. Spurs chairman Daniel Levy sadly fails to take the hint.

More transfer rumours as Joe Cole is linked with a loan move to the Boleyn having slummed it at Chelsea and Liverpool over the past few years. As ever it appears that wages might be a sticking point, what with Cole’s agent rather unsportingly suggesting that we might consider paying some.

Scott Parker. No Turkey.


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Scott Parker’s still about. A reported £10m bid from Turkish giants Fenerbahce finds favour with the club but not the player who prefers to stay a little closer to home. The player’s future is further muddied by the fact that Spurs had been favourites to sign him, something that seems unlikely whilst legal action between the clubs is on the cards. Aston Villa shuffle about looking interested in the background.

An unusual announcement is made as the club seeks sanctions from the Italian FA over Alessandro Diamanti. It seems that Brescia haven’t been keeping up with the payments for the Happy Shopper Di Canio. We ourselves read the club’s statement several times, unfamiliar as we are with the concept of somebody actually owing money TO West Ham United. Diamanti manages to pick up an Italian cap after his departure from the Boleyn, though his six goals in 31 appearances for Brescia aren’t enough to save them from relegation to Serie B.

Another ex‐player in the news is Mido who has been sent to prison not, as one might have thought, for impersonating a professional footballer, but for his involvement in a fight with some students. In an uncanny reflection of our own end of season dinner, Mido, whose real name is Ahmed Hossam Hussein Abdelhamid, gets into an argument when the students ask him what was taking so long as he gives an autograph. Mido’s initial sentence of two weeks inside is extended to a month to allow the prison Governor time to complete the paperwork.

Back home, the club decide against producing a 2010/11 season highlights DVD, presumably on the grounds that there are only so many times you can repeat the wins over Man Utd and Liverpool on the one disc before somebody will notice. Nobody appears too upset at this news, other than those completists who have every video and DVD since they started making them. “I have every video and DVD since they started making them” one moans at us before admitting: “I draw the line at actually watching them though.”

The club announce a brand new system for reducing injuries within the squad. The system involves constant computerised monitoring of players’ performances with personalised websites into which the players (and presumably former News Of The World employees) can log or (hack into) order to review fitness and recovery levels. A proud computer boffin (not Ruud) tells us “according to my stats we’ve already reduced injuries by 98% since 1 July” though he is less than happy when we point out that the expiry of Kieron Dyer’s contract on 30 June might have skewed the figures a bit.

Pre‐season proper starts with Green, Parker and Cole all travelling to Switzerland with the squad despite rumours of imminent departures. Cole in particular is said to be Stoke bound with the Potters making an increased bid of a rumoured £6m including add‐ons. The clubs agree the fee but Cole is said to be wavering over personal terms, the player wanting more money if he is to give up football for life with Stoke.

Also on the plane are Polish defender Hernani Da Rosa and Irish midfielder Joey O’Brien, both of whom have been on trial at the club. The more observant of you notice the decided un‐Polishness of Da Rosa’s name as it transpires that the 27 year‐old Korona Kielce stopper is Brazilian by birth. It’s that whole “Polish‐Brazilian” thing again. O’Brien, who, unusually for someone with a full Republic of Ireland cap, was born in Dublin, has spent much of the last few years injured, at one stage having had part of a kneecap removed. So far so traditional.


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In Switzerland (the official name of which is not in any of the country’s four official languages, trivia fans) the club take part in something called the Uhren Cup. This turns out to be a Swiss pre‐season tournament and not, as many had suggested, a piece of scientific apparatus designed to worry certain players, for example, picking random names out of the air, Rio Ferdinand or Shaun Newton.

The tournament opens as an experimental side (containing both of the aforementioned trialists as well as Faubert and the previously persona non grata Ilunga) goes down 2‐1 to Young Boys, Frank Nouble netting for the Irons. The match represents the end of the pre‐season run in for Young Boys. In fact they’ve played so many games already the win is probably good enough to actually win them the Uhren Cup before we have had a chance to enter it.

We are left to play for the contents against FC Basle who beat us with a 93rd minute spot‐kick given away by Julien Faubert. Junior Stanislas nets our goal, again from the spot. Despite the defeats the trip is regarded by a success by the club, with the new management team getting to look at the squad. We at KUMB.com are also congratulated for managing to go a whole paragraph on the trip without making any schoolboy gags relating to the name of our opponents ‐ though try as we might we can’t see anything inherently funny in the name “Basle” anyway.

In football there are a number of constants that never change. One of these states that: “Whenever a transfer window is open West Ham will be linked with – but will fail to sign – Eidur Gudjohnsen”. With that in mind physicists start to worry about their understanding of the fabric of the universe as Gudjohnsen turns up for and passes a medical. It looks for all the world as if the Icelandic striker will sign at the 1,947th time of asking.

However, Allardyce flies back from Switzerland to talk to the player and, after a chat over tea and biscuits, the manager expresses some doubts as to the player’s desire to become a Hammer. As the player’s agent (who happens to be his Dad) mentions that AEK Athens have offered two years rather than the one to which we are willing to commit, the manager pulls the plug on the deal once and for all. Rumours that Gudjohnsen’s parting words to Allardyce were “see you same time next January” are unfounded.

The “Cole to Stoke” saga draws to a conclusion with the player staying put. Stoke supremo Peter Coates makes some comments of a sour grape nature stating that the player is injured anyway, something that both player and club deny. “He’s been 100% fit ever since we introduced our new fitness monitoring system” a proud physio/computer boffin (not Ruud) informs us, though he is less than happy when we point out that the system was only introduced a few paragraphs ago.

That legendary German sense of humour comes to the fore as Thomas Hitzlsperger appears before magistrates accused of driving at 107 mph in a 70 mph zone on the A14 in Suffolk. Der Ex‐Hammer somehow manages to keep a straight face as he explains that he needs to keep his licence as he’s, er, currently unemployed and needs to drive so he can find a new club. Incredibly, Suffolk magistrates fall for the line and leave the midfielder a mere £750 lighter in pocket for his trouble with licence intact (albeit six points heavier). A spokesman for the Bury St Edmunds Magistrates court defends the sentence pointing out that “it could hardly be Mr Hitzlsperger’s fault that the man with the red flag didn’t prevent him from exceeding the limit. They still have those, right?” Meanwhile if anyone else


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out there is unemployed and arrested for speeding let us know how well that particular defence goes – on prison notepaper if necessary.

The club announces the arrival of a new “Development Coach” in the form of Ian Hendon, who has come in from Gillingham where he has been plying his trade as assistant manager. We spend some time wondering why we need an expert in film processing in an age when even my camera is digital, before realising that the club has changed the name of the Reserves to “The Development Squad.” This sounds like the sort of low budget remake of “The A‐Team” that British tv would have made had it occurred to them back in the 1980’s. (Current TV executives please note: our lawyers are watching).

All change next for the West Stand for which naming rights have been sold to some foreign exchange dealers. Officially the stand is to be known as the “Alpari Stand” – and whilst to those of us of a certain age and (un)fitness level the trek up the stairs often feels akin to climbing an alp, I decide I’ll stick to calling it the West Stand, if only so that I have my bearings for the journey home. Up North, Newcastle deny that their away section is to be christened “The Lunar Stand” just to keep things in proportion (if you’ve been there you’ll know), though as the final Space Shuttle mission draws to a close NASA confirm that Atlantis has made a slight detour to deliver some pies to the Sir John Hall stand on its way back from the nearby International Space Station.

The new sponsors’ first task is to come up with a favourable rate for the Danish Krone as the club fly out to Copenhagen for a pre‐season friendly against the imaginatively‐named FC Copenhagen. On hearing that a match will be taking place close to the “home of Carlsberg” a number of supporters miss out on the trip having confused “Denmark” with the “Denmark Arms”. However, few realise the mistake after consuming a few pints of the aforementioned libation. Those who hear that the match is taking place at the home of “Lurpak” are not so lucky. My attempts to get another joke out of spread‐related puns are thwarted when Shamrock Rovers become Copenhagen’s next Champions League opponents by beating Estonian side FC Flora.


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“We're not the North Bank, We're not the South Bank, We're the Alpari Upton Park”

The match ends up 1‐0 to us with Freddie Sears putting away a fine finish late on, the one down side being the stitches required by Rob Green after a collision with a Copenhagen forward. West Brom see the damage and put in a bid for the ‘keeper of a few bob they happened to find down the back of the sofa. The bid is described by a club insider as an “insult”, presumably because it doesn’t include the cost of the silk used to make the stitches.

The Football League announces a change to the substitute regulations. The number of players allowed on the bench from the Championship downwards is to be reduced to five from seven. The FA Cup and League Cup are not affected by the ruling and we’d rather not worry about the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy at this point. The extra space, added to the availability of the seats previously allocated to Benni McCarthy allows the club to increase the capacity of the Boleyn by a few hundred.

Talking of the portly South African, he reappears at Ajax. That’s Ajax Cape Town rather than the Dutch lot of Cruyff and total football fame. The former Bafana Bafana striker turns up for training with the “Urban Warriors” (which was the slightly more violent follow up to “The Development Squad” on “Bravo”, no doubt featuring Danny Dyer) hoping to earn a contract. An Ajax Cape Town player is quoted as saying that McCarthy “oozes class” which suggests that, despite the hosting of a World Cup, football in South Africa may have a long way to come. Either that or we mis‐heard the comment – but frankly we’d rather not have to consider what else might have been oozed. In unconnected news, Cape Town’s fleet of tourist boats are said to be anticipating a bumper whale‐watching season.

Pablo Barrera becomes the latest subject of departure speculation. Completely unused up to this point in pre‐season, he has, nevertheless, caught the eye for Mexico in the Gold Cup (like the Uhren Cup only made of gold). Real Zaragoza offer to take him on loan, offering to pick him up when they pop round for the SBOBet Cup (like the Gold Cup only made out of, er, SBOBets). However the deal


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collapses over one basic detail. “You want US to pay his wages as well?” Zaragoza ask, having not quite gotten the hang of this loan thang. We appear unworried by this turn of events, the player’s international form having apparently stirred interest in a number of clubs willing to take the player on.

The “Trotterfication” of West Ham United continues as Matt Taylor arrives from the Reebok in a deal worth £2.2m. A left‐sided midfielder with stints at left back on his CV he is perhaps best known for his occasional habit of scoring goals from the half‐way line whilst on the books down at Pompey, Everton and Sunderland being on the receiving end of two particularly noteworthy efforts.

Taylor’s signing comes too late for the next warm‐up but Barrera is included in the shop window up at Wycombe, a turgid affair that has “pre‐season friendly” written all over it as it plods its way to a 0‐0 draw.

QPR feature heavily in the next flurry of transfer activity. Target DJ Campbell decides, against all evidence to the contrary, that he can score enough goals to keep a side in the Premier League rather than enough to promote a side out of the Championship and elects to sign for the West Londoners rather than us. Also Loftus Road‐bound is Danny Gabbidon who joins Kieron Dyer in Shepherd’s Bush, the deal having been struck in order to provide Kieron Dyer with some company for those long hours in the treatment room.

Elsewhere it seems that Der Ex‐Hammer is making full use of his retained driving licence. Having enjoyed last season’s relegation fight so much he looks set to embark on another one as Wolves become linked with the traffic cops’ best friend.

Further rumours link us with Owen Hargreaves. Now call us picky but we’re sure that the Canadian born England international may just have missed one or two matches in recent years through injury and might, as a result, not be quite 100% fit shall we say. Our physio/computer boffin (not Ruud) refuses to confirm our interest but tells us worryingly “we have the technology. We can rebuild him” at which point we put in a call to Alpari to establish exactly how much $6m is in sterling these days (obscure 1970’s tv reference there for our older readers).

Jason Puncheon is next to enter the rumour zone, which seems to be populated with a number of players being linked simultaneously with ourselves, QPR and West Brom, suggesting a bit of journalistic kite‐flying might be taking place. Puncheon is out of favour at Southampton, firstly with management, for inconsistent performances and rumours of off‐field shenanigans, and secondly with the supporters, for indicating that he’d actually be interested in a move to Pompey. Having spent much of last season on loan at Blackpool it seems that the sea air is to the winger’s taste, though quite what he thought of the pong at Millwall where he spent an earlier period on loan we couldn’t say.

Up front, both we and West Brom are also supposedly interested in the Reading striker Shane Long. After Reading’s playoff final defeat, dodgy chairman John Madejski was heard to refer to the player as “world class” valuing him at £20m. We offer £8m (£5m plus add‐ons)pointing out that whilst we sympathise with the apparent loss of Madejski’s wig, it hadn’t been very convincing in the first place and that we’ll be damned if we are going to finance its replacement. However, we do like a good pun


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here at KUMB Towers and the fact that Long is from (Co.) Tipperary has us grinning in anticipation. Yes we do need to get out more.

Dagenham & Redbridge are next up in the pre‐season friendly carousel. Abdoulaye Faye is missing as the curse of the pre‐season signing injury rears its ugly‐if‐familiar head. Having pulled a hamstring in the Young Boys match he has failed to make an appearance. This gets us thinking: would it be an idea to make our first summer signing each year someone who is already injured, that way getting it all out of the way early so we know where we stand? Owen Hargreaves – come back and see us next summer.

Missing presumed injured

The Dagenham & Redbridge match ends up with a 1‐0 win courtesy of a decent Carlton Cole finish. Matt Taylor makes his debut, Joey O’Brien continues his trial spell whilst Spanish triallist Alex Lopez, who replaces Cole on 55 minutes, lasts 19 minutes before being replaced by Robert Hall, suggesting that he was either that good or that bad. Take a guess which. Fans trying to watch the match on a hooky internet stream spend a lot of time looking at the back of Sky’s pitch‐side reporter’s head.

Danny Gabbidon takes a swipe at his former employers, “It’s hard to work out how the owners come to some of their decisions” he points out. Of course it’s a lot easier at QPR where the owners include some of the richest men on the planet. The logic behind their signing such players with injury records like, er, Danny Gabbidon and Kieron Dyer despite having available funds coming out of their ears is, in comparison, really easy to fathom.


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Talking of QPR’s ownership, it is revealed that pint‐sized Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone is in talks with Tony Fernandes with a view to selling the club.

Silly news is put into perspective by the news that Academy youngster Dylan Tombides has been diagnosed with testicular cancer. Happily the prognosis is that, like Bobby Moore and Eamon Dolan before him, the disease has been diagnosed early enough for a full recovery to be made. Doctors also suggest that Tombides, who, but for injuries elsewhere on the pitch would have made his first team debut in the season‐closer v Sunderland, should be able to resume his career as well. The moral of the story is that you shouldn’t be afraid to check them for lumps guys – and get anything that doesn’t seem right looked at properly.

In the lunatic asylum that is FIFA, Mohammed Bin Hamman is banned from football for life for bribing officials in return for votes during the run up to the FIFA elections. Strangely, Blatter’s own bribing of officials in previous elections is not mentioned as a strange bout of collective amnesia hits FIFA’s ludicrously‐named “Ethics Committee” who, for good measure then go after those accused of accepting the Qatari’s largesse.

Another heavy dose of perspective is served up with the news that Dean Moore has passed away aged 43. Natural causes, possibly linked to long‐term problems with alcohol are blamed for the death which, like that of his father before him, came at no age at all.

Elsewhere on the international scene, just as we’d managed to expunge the memory of the last World Cup from our minds, the draw for the qualification for the next one is upon us. Before the draw some computer boffin (not Ruud) points out that the already bizarre FIFA ranking system has a glitch in its programming which means that the Faroe Islands should be ranked 0.07 of a point higher. This moves them above Wales who, thus relegated to 112th spot in the table, are placed into the same qualifying pot as Liechtenstein, Malta, Khazakstan, Andorra and the Dog & Duck 2nd XI. For what it’s worth England are in 6th place, down from the dizzy heights of 4th – a position into which we sneaked into temporarily while Brazil & Uruguay were on holiday before the Copa America. This ranking is still good enough, however, to keep us apart from Spain, Germany, The Netherlands and the Dog & Duck 1st XI in the draw. As usual England are drawn with Poland which means that we’ll be shown that bloody 1973 World Cup qualifier over and over again along with footage of Cloughie referring to ‘keeper Tomascewski as “a clown” on endless loop.

The pre‐season friendly run comes to an end with a 2‐0 win over Real Zaragoza, Goals from Matt Taylor and Freddie Sears do the trick. Joey O’Brien signs a 3 year deal and his place as the statutory ex‐Bolton player on trial in residence is taken by JLloyd Samuel, whose hour or so against the Spaniards is not the most testing of his career, this being Zaragoza’s first friendly of pre season. Allardyce misses the second half to go on a scouting mission elsewhere, presumably in search of the striker that Mr Gold (in his programme notes) says we will be signing before the window closes.


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August

The last days of pre‐season arrive with the news that one candidate for the striker vacancy is Mikael Forssell. The German‐born Finn is available on a free and has been training with the club, missing out on the Zaragoza match having arrived too late to have any meaningful involvement.

Allardyce confirms that, despite a lack of any discernible interest from elsewhere, Scott Parker is still likely to be on his way by the end of the window as long as someone comes up with what is now rumoured to be a £7m asking price. We could have sworn that it was £10m when we started writing this.

Also on his way out is Luis Boa Morte who, it transpires, has gone home to Portugal having had the final year of his contract cancelled “by mutual agreement”. Often on the receiving end of some appalling and largely unmerited abuse from some sections of the crowd, the player always put in a lot of effort over the years – occasionally too much ‐ which is more than can be said of some of his contemporaries. Despite the stick, LBM retained his dignity and, though this will upset some, he goes with my good wishes anyway.

Also on his way is Jonathan Spector. Spector – forever damned with the faint praise title of “utility player” ‐ made little impact during his tenure at the club. Being used generally as a “fill‐in” player gave him little chance to establish himself in the side. However, he will be remembered for one glorious evening in the snow in 2010 when he picked up a couple of goals in the 4‐0 League Cup demolition of Man Utd. Our favourite Septic is on his way to Birmingham City.

Sharing the same initials (how’s that for a tenuous link) is Jordan Spence who is on his way back on loan to Bristol City, a club whose initials, spookily, are the same as those of Birmingham City. (You don’t get this level of insight on the official site!)

We take another a baffled but amused look north of the border at Hearts where, two matches into the SPL season, ever so slightly bonkers owner Vladimir Romanov sacks manager Jim Jeffries. Normally we’d express sympathy with one losing his job but, on this occasion we can’t help feeling that Mr Jeffries might just be better off out of it. As we said earlier, it’s got absolutely nothing to do with us but it is amusing in a “car crash” sort of way.

And so the season finally starts. Sort of. In fact thanks to the tv people the start of the season is spread over three days – if you don’t count Crawley v AFC Wimbledon in the League Cup which happens the week before. And the Europa League, the preliminaries of which started so long ago some of the players who will be playing in the final will not have been born when their club played their first fixture in the opening “ante‐preliminary‐extra‐pre‐qualifying round (first leg).

Our opening match against Cardiff takes place on the Sunday, a couple of hours before the “Traditional Curtain Raiser” of the (Care In The) Community Shield between Salford and Manchester City.

Before we start there’s still time for another signing as Norwegian striker John Carew arrives from that club Unattached who, at this rate, will be struggling to put out a side. Carew has spent all


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summer looking for a club rather than training so isn’t considered for the opening match, which we somehow contrive to lose 1‐0 missing a shedload of chances in the process. “I won’t sleep tonight!” claims Sam in the post match press conference.

The new season begins in earnest (well, August actually)

Elsewhere in London things go a little bit silly as a peaceful if misguided protest over the police shooting of someone carrying a gun is hijacked by the sort of idiot who takes the opportunity to undertake his own protest at not having a 50 inch telly by going out and nicking a 50 inch telly. Shops are looted and buildings set alight as the Met struggle to cope. Sensibly, and understandably, The Met decide that there are more pressing needs about town than keeping an eye on a football match and our League Cup match v Aldershot Town is postponed. The England v Netherlands friendly is also postponed to the relief of club managers everywhere.

The break gives us time to sign yet another player as we welcome back George McCartney on a season‐long loan from Sunderland. Linda has not been high up Steve Bruce’s pecking order and spent much of 2010/11 on loan at Leeds, where Ken Bates was heard to criticise the player’s attitude. Now anyone who manages to get on the wrong side of such deep thinkers as Bruce and Bates must be doing something right so the signing looks to be a shrewd one. Especially given Herita Ilunga’s “goldfish floundering out of water” impression during the opening match. Quite what Mrs McCartney thinks of it all we’re not told.


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Another returning to the fold is Steve Potts who is appointed part‐time coach to the U16 group of players.

One player who we are told won’t be on his way is Nice (the city not the biscuit or the faintly damning adjective) striker Eric Mouloungui who is told by his chairman that an alleged bid made by the Irons “is of no interest”.

Outside football the rioting spreads to other towns and cities in the UK. Steven Gerrard tells people to stop criminal behaviour in Liverpool. Yes THAT Steven Gerrard. Dictionary editors get knocked over in the rush to redefine the word “irony” and church groups consider booking David Pleat to tell everyone how bad kerb‐crawling is. Meanwhile, Spurs v Everton is postponed “due to concerns regarding the local infrastructure”. Rumours that Everton supporters are refusing to travel because all the good stuff has already been nicked are of course cheap, scurrilous and funny. Elsewhere Police flood N17 with officers searching for offensive weapons but announce that, although they have found knives, guns and samurai swords, there’s no sign of a big club.

There’s even more tension in the North West as thousands of football lovers threaten to riot if the Blackburn v Wolves match actually goes ahead.

More ex‐Hammer news as Matthew Upson (who was, apparently, our captain last season) announces his retirement from football to sign for Stoke City. “I welcome the opportunity of creeping up behind Robert Huth in a cowardly fashion and decking him from behind when he’s not looking” the player claims before manager Tony Pulis puts him right – “no son, that’s what we do to our opponents”.

We return to action at Doncaster where we suddenly remember exactly what it’s like to win a game away from home. Over 3,000 Hammers are in the 11,000 or so crowd at the Keepmoat to see skipper Nolan pick up the only goal of the game after five minutes.

It’s a bad day for the ex‐Hammers at QPR. Gabbidon nets an own goal but that hardly seems to matter as Kieron Dyer’s desperate run of luck continues, the player being stretchered off after only six minutes of QPR’s 4‐0 home defeat to Bolton. Fears that the player might have broken a metatarsal (or “toe” as we used to call them) are unfounded however, as are fears that the player’s career might be at an end.

No sooner have the players got off the train at Kings Cross then it’s back on to the Metropolitan line up to Watford where we run out comprehensive 4‐0 winners, again in front of a large away support of close to 4,000 (officially). Tomkins, O’Brien, Cole and Parker are the ones to trouble the statisticians, who spend a few post‐match hours in the records basement before emerging covered in dust to announce that this is the first time since 2007 that the team have pulled off back‐to‐back away wins.

Parker’s barnet is barely dry after the match before it is announced that QPR have bid £4m for his services, the money coming courtesy of erstwhile prospective Hammers owner Tony Fernandes who has just bought 66.666666666(etc)% of the Shepherds Bush club. The size of the bid does not impress David S who dismisses the bid as a publicity stunt: “It’s like us bidding £12m for Wayne Rooney”, he claims, before adding “I don’t suppose that would interest you at all Sir Alex?” on the off chance.


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Der Ex‐Hammer arrives at Molineux having driven at a constant 55 mph all the way from Bury St Edmunds magistrates court. However, on arrival he finds that nobody is expecting him. After a few 'phonecalls, Hitzlsperger’s slightly hard of hearing agent is red‐faced and admits: “er, it was actually Wolfsburg that called”. Hitzlsperger jumps straight back into his car and triggers every speed camera on the M1 before picking up a flight from Luton to sign for the German outfit.

“Ve have vays of making you valk”

Another player on his way is Zavon Hines who, you recall, wasn’t happy with his pocket money. Hines cleverly avoids confusion as to which players are on his side by signing for Burnley. Although the player is out of contract, his age and the fact that he came up through the youth ranks mean that a tribunal will decide on compensation.

The Eric Mouloungui deal seems to be back on as the player pops over for a medical, allegedly. However, after a few hours of having his knees tapped with those little rubber hammers the player decides that he’d rather return to Nice (the place not the biscuit etc).

Leeds are the next visitors to the Boleyn and they are also the next visitors to pick up a late goal. Their 90+1 minute effort gives them a deserved point from a match in which both sides have dominant spells. Cole and an o.g. are our scorers in the 2‐2 draw.

Yet again we concede a late goal, this time in the League Cup as a mixture of first XI and development squad players throw away a 1‐0 lead against the might of, er, Aldershot Town. Rookie centre half Calum McNaughton picks up our first red card of the season for a so‐called “professional foul”. There are lots of mutterings about “homesickness”. None of these are heard by Pablo Barrera who, after being substituted in the second half heads straight along to Stansted, ending up at Zaragosa on loan, the Spanish club finally having worked out how the loan system works.


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The Sullivans contemplate which fallacious rumour to start on Twitter next

As the window nears closure, the transfer front, which has been a bit quiet for a while, suddenly wakes up with rumours of a move for Milton Keynes striker Sam Baldock. Baldock, fresh from a hat‐trick in a league match and a fine strike against Norwich in the League Cup is also reported to be interesting Southampton but eventually arrives for a reported £2m.

Another new arrival is striker Montenegro‐Marrinez, whose first name of “Brian” seems strangely incongruous. One can only speculate at the conversation that took place in the maternity hospital: “Congratulations Mrs Montenegro‐Marrinez, it’s a boy. Have you given any thought as to what you’ll call him? Yes doctor, we thought we’d name him after portly 60’s Hammer Brian Dear – his nickname was “Stag” and he once scored five in 20 minutes against West Brom you know”. Brian (he’s not the Messiah he’s a Paraguayan forward) comes in on a season‐long loan from Uruguayan outfit Deportivo Maldonado, which sounds like the sort of name that a few mates from Essex might give their Sunday League team as a joke.

Non‐football happenings include the sabotaging of stocks of Nurofen Plus, packets of which are found to contain anti‐psychotic drugs used in the treatment of depression. The problem is noted only when thousands of people claim that they still have headaches but don’t really care.

Back to football and neither of the new signings are available for the next match which sees us continue the fine away run by beating Forest at the City Ground. An o.g., Nolan, Cole and Reid are on target as we come away with three points from a 4‐1 win.

A major philosophical problem befalls Irons fans everywhere as we try to work out whether Spurs losing 5‐1 at home to Man City, thus going bottom of the league, is funnier than Arsenal’s 8‐2 defeat to the Salford lot at Old Trafford. Meanwhile there’s further disappointment for North London


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football fans as they discover that all stocks of Nurofen Plus have been removed from the shelves as a precautionary measure.

The Parker saga seems to be coming to a close with talks opening with Spurs, something that leads to the player’s omission from the Forest match, the boss reckoning that the player is not mentally right for the match. Transfer negotiations take place in something of a tense atmosphere when the club reveals that Spurs have offered to withdraw objection to the Olympic Stadium deal if we would, sort of, bring ourselves to, er, “forget”, the little incident involving the illegal accessing of personal financial records by people acting on behalf of Daniel Levy. West Ham pass that note on to the Met’s finest as well.

Parker submits a formal transfer request to add to the informal one hinted at by his early season performances.

As the window hots up (if windows can be said to heat up) Lionel Messi and Wesley Sneider are but two of the many players with whom we aren’t linked. One who does arrive is Papa Bouba Diop who comes in on a free, as exclusively revealed by KUMB.com. “The Wardrobe” as he is known first came to attention many moons ago playing in the World Cup, something that prompted m’ website colleague Rio at the time to namecheck Cleo Laine in what I believe is still one of the funniest one‐liners ever to grace this particular corner of the interweb.

Arsenal midfielder Henri Lansbury is next to appear, arriving on a season‐long loan with an option to purchase. Our writers immediately christen the midfielder “Angela” so that Linda McCartney won’t feel alone in the side. The on‐off‐on‐off Mouloungui deal is seems to be on again for one final time before it finally fails to occur. However, the cosmopolitan nature of the game is reinforced by the arrival of midfielder/right back Guy Demel. The French‐born Ivory coast international comes in from Hamburg while our writers go completely mad trying to figure out exactly how they are going to work the phrase “Demel Hempstead” into match reports.

The Parker deal is finally concluded with the player deciding to wind down his career at Spurs, whose position at the bottom of the league at the time prompts speculation that what the player really enjoys is a relegation battle.

David Bentley takes a step up in the world by coming in the other direction to sign on a season long loan. Whether or not the deal is part of the Parker deal is not revealed but we reckon there’s a fair way to go before “The Parker Deal” attains the same mythical status within KUMB.com as “The Carrick Deal”.

On the way out is Junior Stanislas who joins Zavon Hines up at Burnley. Benedictine shandies all round then. Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio (and how weird does that phrase sound?), fresh from having a ruck with one of his own players, takes Ahmet Abdulla on loan to provide further sparring practice. Jordan Brown goes to Aldershot for a month to find out how to win Cup matches. And that was yer lot for the window.

And it's only August...


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September

The month starts with us in 5th place, 3 points behind leaders Brighton . This doesn’t change after the first weekend of the month thanks to an inconveniently‐placed international break. FIFA apparently use the same scheduling software as Transport For London so that, much like engineering works, international breaks come at precisely the point when the maximum number of sides don’t want them.

The contingent of Hammers in the England squad is reduced to nil, Green withdrawing with a minor injury whilst Parker no longer counts. The U21’s kick things off with a nice 6‐0 win over Azerbaijan, with Angela celebrating his escape from Arsenal with a couple of goals and a couple of what I suppose we must call 'assists'.

Remember the transfer window? You know, that thing that slammed shut in part 1 at the end of August? Well it’s very warm in Turkey this time of the year and so they left their window open, enabling Galatasaray to slip in a cheeky bid for Carlton Cole.

£4m is the bid apparently – though nobody seems to know whether that’s pounds or Turkish Lira. Whatever the currency the bid is rejected out of hand as the Turkish window is closed and the air conditioning finally takes over.

Carlton Cole reacts to news of Gala’s interest


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Rob Green is at the centre of a mystery as one of the Sunday tabloids that hasn’t been caught hacking phones yet claims that the club has been touting the player for transfer using an unnamed agent – not the player’s own. 12 year old Jack Sullivan, whose twitter account is being increasingly used as a quasi‐official mouthpiece by his dad, claims that Sullivan senior is livid and muttering stuff about legal action.

Back on the international front Angela picks up another goal in England U21’s 4‐1 win over Israel whilst Collison plays about two thirds of Wales’ match against England. England run out slightly fortunate 1‐0 winners as Rob Earnshaw manages to put the ball over the bar from 4 yards, presumably as a thank you for all those free prescriptions that we English subsidise for the third world part of the UK.

After what seems like years, but is in fact only a couple of weeks, we return to action at home to Portsmouth. Of the new boys, only Lansbury starts and he is on target, netting our second in an eventful 4‐3 win. A Taylor free‐kick cancels out a Pompey opener before Angie’s effort gives us the lead. They equalise before skipper Lawrence sees red for a second X‐rated tackle. A Noble penalty and a fine Cole header complete our scoring whilst Piquionne lasts four minutes as a sub before his shove on Halford’s chest somehow sets off some sort of pain in the defender’s face and Piquionne is rather harshly red carded. A penalty “earned” by a late Ben Haim dive cannot prevent what turns out to be our first home win since March.

Time for some nostalgia. Remember Savio? You know, the player we brought in for not nearly as much money as everyone said, honest, and who definitely wasn’t a replacement for Craig Bellamy (that much was right anyway). He’s gone missing again apparently. On loan to Serie B club Juve Stabia from Fiorentina he calls in to say that he won’t be in for training and that a note from his Mum will follow shortly then promptly disappears. Not being as well‐versed in these matters as we are the Italians don’t think to look for the nearest caravan park.

Talking of caravans, our next match is the small matter of a trip to Millwall. Having got things spectacularly wrong for the last meeting between the clubs, the Met decide to actually send a few officers along to this one. All of them by the look of things. Lansbury nearly sparks crowd unrest by having a shot in the first few seconds while the Millwall ‘keeper is fiddling about with the goal net, the shot unfortunately going wide. Bentley misses a late sitter as the game finishes 0‐0 to send the home side further into relegation trouble. Segregation of the supporters mean that the home fans lose a fortune in unsold clothes pegs and lucky heather.

Hammers fans are up in arms as yet again the ordinary supporter is dumped upon by the tv companies. This time Sky have rearranged the Brighton match for Monday 24 October, messing up everyone’s plans, mine included, for a weekend on the sauce by the sea. This reminds us of the time a few years back when a late change of plan by the same tv company left us with plane tickets for Newcastle that we couldn’t change. So we went anyway and brought you a match report on the Northern Premier League clash between Whitley Bay and Billingham Synthonia.

Having not won at home since March we make it two on the trot as a Mark Noble spot kick is enough to give us all three points in an unconvincing 1‐0 win over Peterborough. However, the plan to make it three in a row at the Boleyn comes unstuck as a poor performance and yet another late goal, this


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time from ex‐Hammer Lee Bowyer (again), see us go down 1‐0 to Ipswich. Other results are kind to us though and we remain in 4th place.

In other news, Man Utd ‘keeper David De Gea is caught nicking a doughnut from his local branch of Tesco. Clearly Fergie has told the thin as a rake ‘keeper to bulk up, though most amazement is directed that De Gea managed to get to the front door of the shop without dropping the confection. De Gea is let off with a telling off when he stumps up the £1.40 to pay for the item, prompting Frank Lampard to own up to 250 similar offences, all committed the previous Thursday.


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October

In the Sheikhdom of Manchester all is not sweetness and light as Carlos Tevez appears to refuse an instruction to warm up during the Citizens’ So Called Champions League defeat to Bayern Munich. The club immediately suspend Tevez for a minimum of two weeks while they decide what action to take. Tevez maintains that it is all a “misunderstanding”, though transcriptions prepared by lip readers are pretty damning. SuGoBra take advantage of the player’s forthcoming inactivity to put in a cheeky bid to take the player in on loan, receiving the same response from Man City as the player allegedly gave them when asked to run up and down by the touchline in the Allianz Arena a few days previously.

Our first match of the month is a trip to the grotty edifice that is Selhurst Park to play Palace. The match is played in 80 degree heat which, whilst not being that great to play football in, is glorious for the spectators. I make a mental note to use as many aerosols as possible. Manuel Almunia comes in for his first game on loan as Rob Green has a knee op. We draw 2‐2, coming from behind twice with goals for Nolan and Carew who opens his account for the club. 4,500 away fans show that they’ve read the morning papers with the chant “Caros Tevez, he wants to come home”, and, whilst the player probably wouldn’t disagree with the comment, he probably has Buenos Aires more in mind than the Boleyn.

The Palace match is followed by yet another international break as England travel to Montenegro (the country not Brian) for their final Euro 2012 qualifier. During the build up it transpires that Wayne Rooney’s dad is amongst several people arrested following an investigation into “irregular betting patterns” in relation to Scottish football. England manage to get the point required for qualification in an unconvincing 2‐2 draw that sees Rooney sent off for petulantly kicking an opponent.

Despite the fact that John Terry is only in the correct position once throughout the whole evening (during the singing of the anthems), Mirror journalist Martin Lipton proclaims the third‐rate defender as “England’s Greatest Ever Captain”. One can only presume that Lipton won his bet for printing that one.

The England rugby team prove that it’s not just our footballers who can cover themselves with glory abroad. A series of unconvincing wins in the group stages of the World Cup does at least have the consolation of knocking Scotland out of the competition, though tales of nights out dwarf throwing and the sexual harassment of female hotel employees grab more of the headlines. Meanwhile Mike Tindall is caught on CCTV cavorting with what the tabloids always like to refer to as a “mystery blonde”.

Clearly Tindall is not one to set much store in the conspiracy theories relating to earlier commoners who married into, then annoyed the Royal family, though he is seen double checking his seatbelt on subsequent car trips. The whole sorry enterprise ends with defeat in the quarter finals to France as Manu Tuilagi picks up a fine for jumping off a ferry into Auckland Harbour. Although the tabloids note the incident, their reaction seems relatively restrained and one can only speculate quite what would have happened had, say, John Terry been the one to jump. Apart from a resulting major improvement to the England defence, obviously.


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Back on the subject of real football, a bombshell is dropped as the Olympic Legacy folk announce that they are withdrawing from the agreement to sell the stadium to the West Ham/Newham joint venture after the Games. As the dust settles it transpires that the Machiavellian legal delaying tactics employed by Spurs have meant that the sale could not be processed in time for West Ham to move in by 2014 as originally planned. Instead, the stadium is to remain in public ownership with tenants to take occupation in 2014.

Since the sale will not go through, the Spurs legal challenge is neatly sidestepped with the possible added benefit of Spurs losing out on £17m of infrastructure payments for the redevelopment of their own ground, the Olympic deal having partly foundered due to a complaint to the EU over “illegal state aid”. The complainant remains anonymous, though in the run‐up to the proposed judicial review of the case Barry Hearn was quoted as saying “I know a bung when I see one”. Quite, Barry, I’m sure you do.

Scratch that, then

Meanwhile the international break silly season gets a bit sillier as Swindon boss Paolo Di Canio (nope, still doesn’t sound right) admits to having “accidentally” run a half marathon. Easily done I suppose. It transpires that, having been the celebrity starter for a fun run event, he accidentally took a wrong turning joining the bunch that were doing the full 13 miles rather than the lot dressed up as pantomime horses etc. Obviously the wrong turning never took him north.

Back on the pitch, or at least back in the treatment room, David Bentley’s season‐long loan is under threat as he returns to Spurs for a knee operation, presumably to have the bugging device implant surgically removed before it gets discovered.


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More egg‐chasing double standards as we are all urged to become Welsh for the Rugby World Cup semi final. I dutifully try this but when I annoy all my friends by constantly whining and getting them to pay for everything I decide to become English again. Wales have their skipper sent off and lose 9‐8. The referee takes the blame rather than the kickers responsible for 5 missed penalties, which, in any case were probably all the English’s fault anyway.

We return to action after the international break with a comprehensive 4‐0 drubbing of Blackpool. Carew, Baldock (2) and Collison are on target. The supporters still find something to boo at however, as the groundsman charged with replacing a broken corner flag refuses to give the fans a wave, resulting in some good‐natured abuse from both sets of supporters.

The win takes us to second and, as luck would have it, the very next fixture takes us to Southampton who happen to be top. A very late first half goal gives the home side all three points, though we have a number of chances to level including hitting the woodwork and a goal line clearance. Other results mean we remain in second spot.

In other non‐football news, the eviction of some “travellers” from Dale Farm in Basildon hits the headlines, with nobody being quite able to explain why they are called “travellers” if they’ve been there (albeit illegally) for ten years. Meanwhile there is much hand wringing on the part of those who like to wring hands with some even going as far as to use the term “ethnic cleansing”. It is revealed that the “travellers” have turned down numerous offers of replacement sites as they were just that little bit too far from the New Den to be convenient.

The world is rocked as the death of Colonel Gaddafi is announced. The circumstances surrounding the unlamented dictator’s demise are unclear but nobody is over convinced by the official explanation (delivered with a nearly straight face) that he was captured alive before being “accidentally” caught in crossfire whilst being taken away. Yeah right. Meanwhile breakfast coffee is spat out hereabouts as a BBC 5Live interviewer shows superb interview technique when he genuinely asks a passer‐by in Tripoli “now that Gaddafi is gone are you hoping for a better life?” I guess we can be grateful that he didn’t give her multiple choice options for the answer.

Back on the subject of football, sort of, and all hell breaks loose at KUMB Towers as it is revealed through the medium of John Carew’s camera phone and twitter that El Hadji Diouf has been training with the club. Those who he spat at at Anfield are less than impressed with Sam for considering the signing and are further unimpressed by those who choose to accept the disgraceful snow job put up by Liverpool FC and Merseyside Police, a stitch up exposed for what it was worth by subsequent events.


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It’s fair to say we weren’t exactly impressed at the prospect of signing Mr. Diouf

“England’s Greatest Ever Captain” (© M Lipton) is in hot water again over alleged racially offensive comments made towards Anton Ferdinand during a bad‐tempered match between QPR & Chelsea. Mr Lipton, if Terry is “England’s Greatest Captain” I really don’t want to know who the second greatest is. Racial stuff again as Liverpool’s Uruguayan diver Luis Suarez is accused of using racially offensive language towards Moan Utd’s Patrice Evra. Typically, Liverpool lie through their teeth and deny anything happened and, even if it did it was Evra’s fault. The FA decide to have a long close look at things.

We return to second spot as we grind out a 1‐0 win over Brighton & Hove Albion at the Amex stadium and, whilst “that’ll do nicely” for the three points the defensive manner of the performance raises eyebrows. Brighton end up having over 60% possession but, tellingly, Almunia is forced to make only one real save in the whole match.

Sam announces that El Haj Diouf won’t be joining the club. The player is out of condition apparently and his gobs barely reached the touchline at Chadwell Heath. The player ends up signing a short term deal at Doncaster.

The team celebrates with a 3‐2 win over managerless Leicester. A Baldock header and a low Faubert drive give us the lead. Leicester pull one back in the second half before Baldock’s second effectively


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wins the match. A second Leicester goal turns out to be academic. One major talking point in the match is the performance of referee Pinnington who gives a succession of fouls against John Carew without the player actually committing any offences. After the player is cautioned for “persistent foul play” Sam withdraws the player to save him further punishment lest the ref actually spots a real foul and sends him off. The match marks the return from injury of Rob Green as Almunia goes back to Arsenal.

We end the month in second place which is good, bit with a hospital wing full of injuries, which is bad, if not exactly unusual. We ask the computer Boffin (not Ruud) we spoke to in pre‐season how the new computerised injury monitoring system is going but all we hear down the phone is shouts of “we need more memory” followed by sobbing.


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November

We start our latest chunk of our season review in second place despite a good old fashioned injury crisis that gets worse early on in November’s first match. Winston Reid is latest to fall foul of the bad luck curse hanging over the club as he lands awkwardly and dislocates his shoulder early on in the midweek 0‐0 draw at home to strugglers Bristol City. The match itself is poor with the team simply having no idea as to how to break down an eleven man defence.

The fans are unimpressed by the manager’s claim (using the usual array of statistics, graphs and pie‐charts) that the performance was “outstanding”, preferring instead to mull over the fact that City ‘keeper David James had but one proper save to make all night.

A number of happenings early in the month put football into perspective. Doncaster striker Billy Sharp plays and scores only days after tragically (and that word is, for once, appropriate) losing his infant son. On scoring he reveals a t‐shirt tribute that referee Darren Deadman laudably ignores, applying a level of common sense unusual in modern day refereeing by refusing to issue the standard yellow for such “offences”.

The Hull match is preceded by a period of silence in advance of Remembrance Day. Both sides wear poppy‐embroidered shirts as we take home all three points from the KC stadium with goals from Baldock and Collison. Rob Green pulls off a number of good saves to preserve the points and the clean sheet. Meanwhile Billy Sharp is in the news again receiving generous applause from Ipswich fans as he scores in Doncaster’s surprise 3‐2 win at Portman Road. Someone called El Haj Diouf scores the other two for Rovers but gets no applause whatsoever for some reason.

An international break follows the Hull match giving journos an excuse to start the pre‐window silly season a bit early. Alessandro Del Piero starts it all off with rumours that he is looking for a move to either us or Spurs during the summer. I’d join us mate – the lasagne’s safer.

Talking of N17, the Metropolitan Police confirm that they are still looking at allegations that the tawdry little club based in that area are still under investigation following allegations that illegal surveillance techniques were used over the Olympic Stadium affair. In fact so closely are they looking they have actually managed to arrest somebody after Baroness Ford (chair of the OPLC) complains that all 14 board members were the subject of Tottenham’s scrutiny.

Predictably, Tottenham deny any involvement, stating “we did not instruct, undertake or engage any party to conduct surveillance” adding, “We hired PKF’s Olympic Bugging & Covert Surveillance Services Team in the utmost good faith and are shocked and dismayed at the idea that they would involve themselves in Bugging and Covert Surveillance in this manner. By the way Baroness, you have a small leak under your kitchen sink you might need to get repaired sooner rather than later and, if you could snore a little quieter of an evening, the person that we have not instructed, undertaken or engaged to listen in would appreciate it all the more as the microphones that we know nothing about are really quite sensitive”. Allegedly.

Christiano Montano returns a week early from a loan spell at Swindon following criticism over his attitude by Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio (no matter how many times I say that it still doesn’t


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seem right). PDC claims that the player seems to lack the desire to play for Swindon Town. Be fair Paolo – most people feel like that. And it’s not as if the player was “injured” every time there was a fixture north of Oxford is it.

PDC in typical mild‐mannered, calm and collective mode

Montano returns for a Development Squad match at Gillingham, a match that features an unnamed “triallist”. Given the furore over El Haj Diouf we reckon Sam is playing it cagey lest it is discovered that someone equally universally loathed and reviled is in line to sign. Our money’s on Simon Cowell or Pol Pot. We draw 2‐2 as Guy Demel (yup we’d forgotten about him too) manages 45 minutes without exploding. Speculation suggests that the trialist is either the exotically‐named defender Calum Angus who is currently playing in Sweden, or the equally exotically‐named Pelly Ruddock who is playing in the Blue Square something or other for Borehamwood.

The FA pick another argument with FIFA this time over England’s friendly v Spain. As has become prevalent in domestic football in recent times, the plan is to wear shirts emblazoned with poppies in the match against the World Champions, the match taking place as it does on the day between Armistice Day and Remembrance Sunday. Those who think that even FIFA can’t object to this are sadly mistaken as the increasingly sad organisation bans the shirts on the grounds that “political” statements are forbidden.

The Prime Minister gets involved as there is talk that the match could even be abandoned if England take to the field in the “offending” (and I use that word quite incorrectly) shirts. Finally FIFA – whose head let us not forget owes his position to bribes given to African delegates‐ relent after FA Patron Prince William gets involved. After William threatens to send what’s left of the Army round (or, worse still his stepmother) FIFA relent enough to allow poppies to be worn on black armbands, though sadly nobody thinks of sewing the armbands to the front of the shirts just to be bloody


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minded. Meanwhile FIFA continues its purge of all delegates caught receiving bribes, taking care to investigate only those not bribed by Blatter.

When the match is finally played England nick a 1‐0 off the World Champions with a goal from some fat bloke who clearly won his place in the team as a result of a competition. The win is followed up with another, an own goal being enough to beat Sweden despite England fielding a fit John Terry.

Montano has barely unpacked before he goes out on loan again, Dagenham & Redbridge being the lucky recipient of his services. The Development Squad (“give us a D.....”) win 2‐0 at Whyteleaf with Demel getting another 45 minutes.

Just when you thought Blatter couldn’t make more of an arse of himself than he already has up he pops with his views on racism. According to Sepp it doesn’t exist on the pitch and even if it does, why, a good solid handshake should be good enough to settle matters. The clamour for the corrupt fool’s resignation is deafening, though the faint sound of “for he’s a jolly good fellow” being sung can be heard in the background coming from the John Terry household. The row escalates as Blatter claims that he was misquoted, or misunderstood or just about everything other than caught red handed. “I’m no racist” he is heard to claim. “Why just look at how many Africans I bribed to get my position in the first place” he added, or at least would have added had we gotten to him first with a syringe full of Sodium Pentathol.

Karren Brady goes to court over allegations that her phone records have been obtained by PKF’s Olympic Bugging & Surveillance team. PKF (and for PKF read Tottenham) argue that the case should be heard in secret. The High Court judge involved refuses to sanction such an arrangement. We therefore find out that PKF do, in fact have copies of Brady’s phone records. “Oh those phone records” PKF exclaim. “We found them, in the street. Or was it a pub. We haven’t looked at them honest. In fact we were just on our way to return them. We were just taking a peek at the address. Of course we didn’t copy them and share the details with Spurs. Perish the thought".

We next go to Coventry. The eve of the match is punctuated by laughter as a recently‐resigned Coventry director comes up with the idea of allowing fans to decide on substitutions by submitting (no‐doubt premium rate) text messages to the club. The idea is given shrift so short it barely qualifies as shrift at all. We can’t help but speculate as to what might have been had such a system been in place for the past. One text we might have sent would have read “arry don’t bring on that manny bloke whateva u do lol”

The match at the Ricoh stadium sees us take another three points from an away trip. This time a lacklustre first half sees us go into the break 1‐0 down. However, the introduction of Cole and Piquionne changes everything as both subs score to give us a 2‐1 win. Piquionne’s effort is particularly noteworthy. Having missed his header the ball ricochets off a defender and hits the floorbound striker to rebound past the stranded keeper to beat Carlton Cole’s previous record for funniest comedy goal scored by a West Ham player.

It’s rumour time again as the attempts to beef up the central defensive area, which currently is comprised of Tomkins, Faye and, er, that’s it, are stepped up.


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Ex‐Real Madrid defender Francisco Pavon turns up, trains then turns his nose up at a short term deal (if you believe his version) or, alternatively, turns up, trains and fails to look fit enough for the first team (if you believe ours). Leeds defender Andy O’Brien is next on the list. O’Brien is originally linked with a loan move to the Boleyn due to being out of favour at Elland Road. However things come to a head when Leeds boss Simon Grayson states that the player will not be allowed out on loan. The player reacts by refusing to play for Leeds again. The manager reacts to the player’s refusal to play for Leeds again by stating that the player will never play for Leeds again.

Barcelona beat AC Milan 3‐2 at the San Siro (or Stadio Guissepe Meazza if you prefer) in the so‐called Champions League. Entertaining as the game is it is noteworthy for the fact that, in scoring for the 27th consecutive match, Barcelona have finally equalled the 30 year‐old record held by ourselves. Pep Guardiola is effervescent at finally being elevated to such company, though his mood is returned to normal on being reminded that they still needed Real Madrid’s help in the World Cup.

A 3‐1 home win against Derby coupled with a surprise defeat for Southampton at Bristol City sees us narrow the gap at the top to 2 points. A Cole header sees us go in at half time on level terms. A wonder volley by Kevin Nolan – his first of the season at the Boleyn – and a Noble penalty give us all three points. The win is only spoilt by an injury to Sam Baldock, whose hamstring keeps him out for a bit.

Not for the first time Karren Brady’s column causes consternation as a poorly worded commentary on racism in football suggests that Clyde Best suffered racism from West Ham fans at the Boleyn, including the frequent launching of bananas in his direction. That’s certainly a new one on me and, whilst my memory may not be the greatest I do have the advantage of Ms Brady on this one by virtue of the fact that I was actually there. When asked, Best, ever the gentleman, merely confirms the mutual affection between him and the supporters of that era. All in all not our vice chair’s finest hour.

Back on the pitch the away form continues to inspire as we go up to Teesside and beat Boro’ 2‐0. A proper header (unlike his previous goal at Coventry) from Piquionne in the first half would probably have been enough for the points even without Carlton’s stoppage time effort which sealed the match.

Five months to go then. Or possibly six...


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December

The month starts with us falling back to earth with a bump on the Saturday as a team that looks as if it’s played three games in five days somehow contrives to lose 2‐1 at home to Burnley, despite hitting the woodwork more times than one would have thought possible. Southampton also manage to lose at Doncaster so no harm done.

There’s a welcome sight as Henri Lansbury and, more heart‐warmingly Gary O’Neil both get runouts in the Development squad’s 3‐0 win over Brentford. Two goals come from a mystery trialist with the improbable name of Habib Habibou, who, along with Papa Bouba Diop would add to the list of Cleo Laine songs to be sung in E13.

One player definitely on his way in is 17 year‐old Borehamwood midfielder and oxymoron Pelly Ruddock. He is so highly rated that he bypasses the youth team and goes straight into the Development Squad set up. Meanwhile we all start looking for players with similar names – with Cruyff Quinn, Beckenbauer Radford and Frank Lampard all looming on the horizon.

Disaster strikes as we travel to Reading. Guy Demel pulls up lame with what looks like a torn thigh muscle after less than 90 seconds. His replacement Joey O’Brien somehow contrives to pick up two yellow cards whilst Jack Collison picks up a straight red for a girly push on Kebe following a rather childish bit of mickey taking in which the Reading winger mimes pulling his socks up. We lose 3‐0 as Southampton scramble an unconvincing point in the 93rd minute of their match, drawing 2‐2 at home against Blackpool.

Spurs fans cement their reputation as the Premier League’s thickest by bombarding cycling legend Sir Chris Hoy with abusive tweets (as I believe they are called) over his refereeing performance in their 2‐1 defeat at Stoke. When the multi‐medal winning Olympian helpfully points out that it might be (admittedly poor) Premier League ref Chris FOY they are after, the special needs ones remain defiant: “@chrishoy now denying that he's even a ref. What kind of mugs does he take us for?” tweets one particularly intelligent specimen. Presumably, Mr Don Logan (for it was he), he takes you for the sort of thick mug who can’t tell the difference between a cyclist and a referee. Meanwhile, the lovely actress Diane Keen switches off her twitter account when she hears that Mike Dean is in charge of the window lickers’ next match and local branches of Halfords are put on red alert in case the riots start up again.

Reading boss Brian McDermott defends his idiot winger Kebe against charges of bad sportsmanship claiming that Collison could have ended his player’s career. Only if he had plans to appear at the National Theatre, Brian. McDermott applauds Allardyce for not defending Collison. Shame he couldn’t display the same sort of honesty himself really. There again when you have Madejski as chairman I expect being economical with the truth is pretty much par for the course.

Despite scoring twice in his trial match Habib Habibou‐be‐do‐be‐doo fails to impress the management sufficiently for a deal to be offered and he returns to Belgium. His place is taken in the “Player to be signed by the Hammers?” section of the papers by Ryoichi Maeda who, according to his agent, is the hottest thing to come out of Japan since that green radioactive horseradish stuff that stings your nose when you eat it.


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The injury list gets worse as we entertain Barnsley at home. Abdoulaye Faye pulls up lame during the pre‐match warm up, prompting a debut for Daniel Potts who, as son of kids’ coach and goalscoring legend Steve, makes us all feel simultaneously proud and bloody old at the same time. As it happens the youngster has a fine debut at left back as Papa Bouba Diop’s first goal for the Irons gives us a 1‐0 win. The manager’s programme notes bemoan the lack of discipline shown in the Reading match. We can therefore only presume that Mr Allardyce had a strong word with himself after being banished to the stands after complaining about a number of poor refereeing decisions. The win, coupled with Southampton only drawing 1‐1 at Pompey leaves us one point off the top.

The club announce that, following a successful loan spell at Oxford United, Robert Hall is to have a further month at the Kassam Stadium. 24 hours later, the club announce that, following a successful spell at Oxford United Robert Hall is not to have a further month at the Kassam Stadium after all. Presumably the club’s injury crisis deepened in that 24‐hour period.

He’s here, he’s there, he’s every f***ing where, Robert Hall, Robert Hall

Birmingham City are our next opponents. A decent individual goal from Cole following a defensive slip sees us take the lead early on. David Murphy’s handball of a goalbound Faubert header is missed by the ref, a mistake made even more costly by the fact that the offender remains on the pitch to head a late equaliser. The ref did spot infringements by Faubert, Nolan and McCartney, issuing yellow cards leading to suspensions for all three in the upcoming match at Derby.


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The FA conclude their long close look at the Suarez affair and decide that the player is guilty of using racially offensive language and give him an 8 match ban. Even by the disgracefully low standards of Liverpool FC (which seem to match those of the city’s inhabitants) the club’s reaction is breathtakingly arrogant. “How dare the FA charge anyone to do with Liverpool with anything” is the general tone of the statement, a press release which is almost as offensive as anything Suarez has done. After years of having the BBC being in love with everything connected with the red half of that city, suddenly nobody is turning a blind eye to the goings on Anfield, a smell that gets worse as players warm up in T‐shirts bearing Suarez’s image in support of the “Uruguay One”.

Back in the fresh air, the calendar year (and a rotten one it was too) ends up with another defeat as a nightmare start at Pride Park on New Year’s Eve sees us go 2‐0 down within ten minutes. Frank Nouble pulls one back before the interval but the injuries and suspensions take their toll as a third string XI finally go down 2‐1. Annoyingly, we’d have gone top with a win as Bristol City complete their double over Southampton.

And the Jools Holland programme was crap this year too.


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January, 2012

Happy New Year! The Derby defeat having temporarily evicted us from the automatic promotion places, a win against Coventry is a must. And we get it as all those suspended return. A cricket score is avoided as Sky Blues ‘keeper Murphy saves everything bar a Kevin Nolan effort on 66 minutes. Both Southampton (at Brighton) and Boro’ (at Blackpool) go down 3‐0, a series of results that see us join Southampton on points at the top.

Of course a new year means new window and we miss out on Spurs kid Andros Townsend who ends up at Leeds on loan. Silly bids start to come in for the likes of James Tomkins, for whom Newcastle have stuck in a derisory offer. Worryingly it appears that Tomkins has a new agent, often the precursor to a move.

Jordan Rhodes at Huddersfield Town is one player we are continually linked with, with offers of varying sizes said to be on the table from us. Unfortunately his five goal haul in the Terriers’ 6‐0 demolition of Wycombe only sees the price go up again.

Should Rhodes arrive at the Boleyn, being cup‐tied will not be an issue as we contrive to lose 1‐0 at Sheffield Wednesday. A largely inexperienced XI still miss a shedload of chances – including a penalty from Sam Baldock – before going out to an 88th minute winner from O’Grady. Another late one then.

The central defensive area receives a boost in personnel as our first signing of the window is announced. George John comes in from FC Dallas after we see off a late bid from Athletico Knots Landing. John arrives on a loan with an option deal.

Espionage news and police arrest a third person in what nobody is referring to “Olympicgate”. Spurs continue to deny any involvement. A Spurs spokesman says: “As we have said before when we hired people to spy on those involved in the Olympic Stadium process we had absolutely no idea that they would spy on those involved in the Olympic Stadium process. When we were given the invoice for the Aston Martin DB5 with ejector seat we were assured that this was standard equipment for those involved in spying on those involved in the Olympic Stadium process. The fact that some of the interchangeable licence plates turned out to be false is therefore nothing to do with us”.

Freddie Piquionne is linked with a departure from the club as efforts to secure another striker are stepped up. The Daily Mail informs the world that the player has signed for Wolves, either for free or for a “cut‐price fee” depending on whether you believe the start or the end of the article. Unusually for the Mail, no comment is made on the effect that the deal will have on house prices. Unsurprisingly, the article turns out to be complete twaddle with the player still on the books at the Boleyn.

We return to league action with an unspectacular but solid win down at ten‐man Pompey, Mark Noble netting from the spot to give us all three points. This leaves us still level with Southampton on points at the top, though Boro’s defeat at home to Burnley gives us a slightly more important four point cushion from third place.


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Another signing arrives, though this is firmly in the “one for the future” box. Joe Dixon comes in as a free agent having last turned out for Grays Athletic. The former Moan Utd trainee is given a two month contract to see if he’s up to it.

Police arrest yet another man in what I will get people to call “Olympicgate” if it kills me. Tottenham deny involvement yet again: “We asked Dame Judi Dench for her best man. With some gadgets. That’s all.”

Croatian Nikica Jelevic is the next striker to appear on the transfer radar. Although much liked at Rangers, the Scottish club’s run‐in with the taxman has potentially left the Ibrox mob in financial trouble, leaving them vulnerable to bids for their better players.

There’s a spot of welcome news as James Tomkins, despite or because of (you pays yer money...) the attentions of a new agent, signs a new contract. The announcement is made prior to kick off in the home match against Forest. We win 2‐1 with two penalties from Mark Noble, one dodgy, one not. Forest’s goal is too late to be anything other than a consolation. The manner of the home team’s performance causes some disquiet despite the fact that the victory sees us go clear at the top with Southampton not playing until the following Monday.

The Forest match marks the final match in charge of media things at the club for Greg Demetriou, who is moving on for a quieter life in a similar role at the FA. The players mark Greg’s departure by throwing him fully clothed into an ice bath. Family commitments preclude my attendance at the post match leaving do which, I am reliably informed, got “a bit messy”. Best of luck sir!

The weekend sees some sad news as the death of former ‘keeper Ernie Gregory is announced. Gregory, who was in his 90’s, spent over 50 years at the club as player and coach and was rated by my Dad as one of the best ‘keepers he’d ever seen at the Boleyn. And trust me my Dad knows his stuff.


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Hammers legends from yesteryear gather to bid farewell to Ernie Gregory

Someone with whom Gregory would have been all too familiar is Harry Redknapp whose long‐awaited appearance in court on tax charges finally commences. As expected the “Father Ted” defence (“that money was just resting in my account”)is much in evidence, though legal and tax experts are also impressed by the use of the “Father Dougal” variation (“what’s going on? Where am I?”) of that defence.

Herita Ilunga departs. Having spent most of the season so far at Doncaster on loan, the player returns to find he is still surplus to requirements. One of those “by mutual consent” announcements is cobbled together and his contract, that has another 18 months or so to run, is torn up.

We get involved in talks to sign Portuguese striker Eder from Academia de Coimbra. At least we do until he disappears. Seemingly unaware of the tradition that you have to sign for the Irons before going missing (Boogers, Savio etc), the player elects to go walkabout while talks are going on. “Something didn’t feel right” claimed the player. You’re not kidding mate.

Next on the list seems to be Brazilian striker Ze Eduardo who is set to come in for a medical at The Shaun Wright‐Phillips Memorial Medical Centre. We are set to become the player’s sixteenth club in seven years (how is that even possible?) until things get put on hold as talks are opened with Bristol City’s Nicky Maynard. We also stick in a bid for former Allardyce protégé (Bolton again) Ricardo Vaz Te, which Barnsley reject as “derisory” despite the fact that the player will be available on a free at the end of the season.


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The Jelevic deal finally dies on its feet allowing Everton to come in and sign the player as we are linked with Moan Utd bad boy Ravel Morrison, who is apparently both talented and wayward in equal measures.

Rather inconveniently, deadline day coincides with a visit to Portman Road. Rather inconveniently the team choose to have their worst performance of the season going down 5‐1 with barely a whimper, never mind a fight. Collison heads the goal that temporarily pulls us back into the game at 2‐1.

The transfer window closes with three more signings completed as Maynard, Vaz Te and Morrison are all added to the squad. Vaz Te’s arrival puts a temporary halt to Ze Eduardo’ s attempt to break the record for the most clubs played for as we withdraw our interest. Morrison immediately reminds us of his problems by getting into a verbal spat with some idiot on twitter, the FA asking for Morrison’s comments over his use of the word “faggot” as an insult, eventually slapping a misconduct charge on the player.

The closing of the window is a historic day for West Ham United FC as thousands of fans gather round outside the Boleyn Ground to celebrate the fact that, for the first time since 1895 we have gone through an entire transfer window without once being linked with Eidur Gudjohnsen. Grown men cry at the passing of an old established tradition, which the club shop marks by dishing out commemorative t‐shirts and mugs.


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February

You will recall (if you’re reading this in the correct order and don’t have some sort of memory loss problem) that back in January former Hammer’s media boss Greg Demetriou left the club to take on a similar role at the FA. If you don’t recall then you know now. Any plans that Greg may have had for a quieter life are immediately thrown into some disarray by the English legal system.

John Terry pleads not guilty to charges over his alleged racial abuse of Anton Ferdinand. All hopes that the issue will be dealt with quickly are dashed, with the full hearing into the matter slated for a date after Euro 2012. The FA elect to strip Terry of the captaincy, it not having occurred to them previously that the loathsome excuse for a human being ought never have been within a million miles of the job in the first place. We’re just surprised that M Lipton esq hasn’t started a campaign to have a statue erected in honour of Terry at Wembley, “like the Bobby Moore one only bigger because Terry’s England’s Greatest Ever Captain”. They’d save money on the plaque of course. Whereas Bobby’s statue bears a 42 word inscription, Terry’s could make do with just the word “twat”.

Back on the domestic front a major police operation takes place as we face Millwall in a lunchtime kick off. Team selection is interesting after the Ipswich debacle, with Tomkins selected to play in a role just in front of the back four. The idiot contingent amongst the visiting support make great claims about walking around Plaistow unopposed, strangely forgetting to mention that anyone who might have been interested in debating the point with them was happily tucked up in the ground, what with the match having kicked off fifteen minutes earlier and all.

By that time we had been reduced to ten men with following a two‐footed Nolan tackle that had the merit of going for the ball but little else going for it. Other bad challenges – including a slow‐mo thigh high kung‐fu assault on Matt Taylor bizarrely escape sanction from ref Mike Jones for whom competence still seems to be a major problem (see Stoke last season).

Thankfully Millwall the team is every bit as useless as its support and, with Tomkins pressed into a more formal midfield role after Nolan’s dismissal, we dominate the match taking a lead through Carlton Cole just before the interval. Millwall somehow pull back an equaliser but we controversially regain the lead shortly after as ‘keeper Forde elects to punch a catchable one before being clattered by Faubert, Reid volleying the ball straight back in to the unguarded net. It’s as if ref Jones had remembered his disgraceful performance at the Britannia last season and figured he owed us one. 2‐1 to the cockney boys. I personally take all of South East London on my own by singing “Bubbles” loudly on their manor. Ok it was 2.30am (my journey home having been delayed by a concert and a lot of inclement weather) and there was consequently nobody about but apparently that counts.

Next we go back to Southwark Crown Court where, despite admitting to have opened an offshore bank account in the name of his dog, and, somehow, having forgotten to inform his accountant of said account, Henry Redknapp is acquitted of both charges facing him. As a qualified tax specialist, professional ethics prevent me from commenting further but let’s just say that perhaps the prosecution didn’t make the best of what they had.

Meanwhile our old mate Greg Demetriou has barely had time to find out where the digestives are kept at Wembley before there is more fallout from the ditching of Terry as skipper. Manager Capello


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is quoted in interviews with the Italian media as being unhappy that the FA have gone over his head. A meeting to discuss the matter at Wembley ends up with the Italian resigning. Absolutely nobody is upset. Unsurprisingly, Redknapp’s media pals install him as England manager elect, conveniently ignoring the fact that his record over the years isn’t that impressive. Still he’s English and that’s all that seems to matter apparently.

Our next match at Peterborough falls foul to the weather with temperatures hitting ‐15 overnight at London Road, an old fashioned ground without undersoil heating. Southampton take advantage of our inactivity to reduce the deficit at the top to one point.

Elsewhere and just when you think Liverpool couldn’t act more disgracefully, they do. Suarez, in his second match back from his 8 match ban for doing nothing (according to his employers) or racially abusing Evra (according to everyone else), stokes up ill‐feeling by refusing to shake Evra’s hand in the (admittedly ludicrous) pre‐match handshake thing. There are scuffles in the tunnel at half time and full time as the whining Mancs beat the self‐pitying Scousers 2‐1. Dalglish is predictably disgraceful in his post match comments: “you are bang out of order to blame Suarez for anything that happened today” the moaning Scot claims as he metamorphoses into a sort of Caledonian Neil Warnock. As usual Scouse supporters go into truth denial overdrive claiming that it was Evra who had refused the handshake despite the fact that it so very obviously wasn’t. This line of argument is quietly dropped as Suarez admits that he’s in the wrong and apologises for his actions, though the sincerity of both his and Dalglish’s apologies is highly questionable, coming as they do after instructions from the club’s American holding company who know a good PR disaster when they see one.

Back in the fresh air again we take on Southampton at the Boleyn in a top of the table clash. Unfortunately Southampton can count on a fully fit and incompetent Lee Probert who has a disgraceful 90 minutes.


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Probert inexplicably ignores two blatant handballs before finally awarding a penalty for a trip on Noble. Billy Sharp loses all goodwill by clutching his face as Taylor shoves him in the chest to give the midfielder a red card Sharp’s similar push on Noble goes unpunished as Probert goes into a one man attempt to rewrite the record books for most inept refereeing performance.

Noble finally puts the penalty away to give us the lead. Southampton ‘keeper Davies then handles outside the box flattening Cole in a “Shumacher on Battiston” style challenge that Probert decides is perfectly legal. Southampton finally equalise from Hooiveld with fifteen minutes left despite an obvious foul in the build up. All in all a good point to get given the disgraceful refereeing involved – which, I am duty bound to remind you, we must respect.

In a quiet few days for the Hammers, Carlos Tevez returns to the Man City training camp to find everyone else has the day off. “Mancini treated me like a dog” claims Tevez. Mancini denies that was the case saying “we get the club doctor to do that operation on all our players”.

The London Borough of Harringay and the Greater London Authority announce a package worth £27m to spruce up riot‐torn Tottenham. The package includes a whole raft of infrastructrure improvements linked to the Tottenham stadium redevelopment project. Meanwhile, in a totally unconnected announcement it is quietly announced that Tottenham’s legal obligation to cough up something like £16m towards a whole raft of infrastructure projects linked to the Tottenham stadium redevelopment project has been removed. In effect at least £16m of taxpayers’ money has been handed to Spurs. Suddenly the European Commission finds itself having to deal with dozens of complaints regarding illegal state aid, most of which seem entirely more justified than the anonymous one posted by someone called Steve Lawrence at the time of the original Olympic deal.

North of the border, Rangers take over from Hearts as the nation’s basket case. With a possible £75m owing to the taxman, the club enters administration. It is a measure of the paucity of competition up north that, despite the ten point deduction that comes with such financial shenanigans, they are still streets clear of the third‐placed club.

Also in financial bother, again, are Pompey, whose owners had gone into administration a few months previously. Vladimir Antonov, the club’s ultimate owner appears in court on a European arrest warrant as the Lithuanian authorities indicate that they’d like a quiet word about the millions missing from one or two of their banks. Fans ask the Football League how on earth Antonov had passed their “fit & proper” test. “He lied” comes the answer. “He told us he was rich and it turned out that he was just a great big fibber”. Some good comes out of the whole affair though. The Football League announce changes to their “fit & proper” test. “In future we’ll check their hands so that when they tell us they are rich they won’t be able to cross their fingers”.

Portsmouth eventually enter administration themselves prompting a ten point penalty and worries over their ability to complete their fixtures, something that could end up costing us six points.

Following the opening fixture of the season when Cardiff supporters were asked to pick up their tickets at an M25 service area, ticket details for the return fixture are announced. A series of clues are to be left at strategic points on the route between London and Wales, each clue being written by the person responsible for the clues on 1980’s gameshow “3‐2‐1”. Those that successfully complete


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the challenge will be given tickets. Those that don’t will be getting a radio controlled dustbin with a stupid grin painted on its face. “We tried this successfully earlier with Millwall (pronounced Michwach)” a South Wales Police spokesman told us. “No supporters got to the ground – they found the “if tickets ye seek, to Cardiff West Services ye should wend” clue a bit too challenging, though the dustbins are now on three‐year contracts at the Den. We’ll have to make the clues a bit harder than that for West Ham supporters though or you’ll go straight there. Er, I probably shouldn’t have told you that” he helpfully adds.

Boxing news, and there is uproar in Germany at a press conference when Derek Chisora, fresh from becoming the latest bit of cannon fodder for one of those Ukranian brothers whose names I can’t be bothered to check the spelling of, gets into a bit of a ruccus with Millwall‐supporter David Haye. The spat starts of in verbal form but spills over into actual violence as Chisora climbs down from the platform to continue the debate.

Chisora is later arrested by the Deutscher Bundesplod at the airport but is later released without charge. Haye sneaks out of the country before Das Alter Wilhelm (as I expect the locals call their constabulary) can catch up with him. Meanwhile boxing fans are left scratching their collective heads wondering why neither Chisora nor Hay could be bothered to show that much fight in their respective fights with those Ukranian brothers whose names I can’t be bothered to check the spelling of.

The weekend sees us clicking our heels as Southampton go top beating Derby 4‐0 at home. Blackpool, who should have been our own opponents for the day, are otherwise occupied with being knocked out of the cup by Everton. The rearranged match takes place on the Tuesday with a win needed to return to top slot. Even by West Ham standards the match is a bit bonkers in the nut.

Henri Lansbury. Goalkeeper extraordinaire.


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We race into a deserved 2‐0 lead through midfield maestro Tomkins and Maynard who scores on his first start. Holloway rearranges things after half an hour and sub Kevin Phillips pulls one back on the stroke of half time. In the second half Rob Green becomes the third Hammer in as many matches to see a red card, after upending Bednar outside the box. With no sub ‘keeper on the truncated bench, Lansbury becomes the second loan signing from Arsenal of the season to take his place in goal, his previous goalkeeping experience having come in England U21 colours under similar circumstances. Lansbury is barely bothered and keeps a clean sheet as we score another two through O’Neil and Vaz Te to take the match 4‐1, a result that takes us back to the top by a point with a game in hand over Southampton.

On the international front John Terry announces that he’ll be out for six weeks with a knee injury thus saving England caretaker boss Stuart Pearce the cost of a “you’re dropped” text massage and also sparing the rest of the squad the embarrassment of having to be in the same room as such low life.

We return to action against Crystal Palace with a team unchanged from that which won at Blackpool. The exertions of playing three in a row with ten men are all too obvious in the first half. A few changes in the second half sees things improve but although we seem the more likely to score in the second period the match finishes goalless. According to the Sun newspaper the players leave to a “deafening chorus of boos”. This, not to put too fine a point on it, is a lie. Southampton’s 3‐0 win at Watford, which features yet another dive to win a penalty, takes them back to the top by one point, though we still have a game in hand.

England – who feature Rob Green safely on the bench ‐lose the first match of the post‐Capello era 3‐2 to the Netherlands, despite clawing back a 2‐0 deficit with moments to spare. Caretaker manager Stuart Pearce rules himself out of contention for the role on a full time basis amidst rumours that the not‐so‐cordial history between Sir Trevor Brooking and Henry Redknapp might count against the latter in the race to get the full‐time job. That and the fact that Redknapp isn't much of a coach presumably.

So there you go. Second in the league with two months of the season left. A few wins in March and we could be up by the end of the month. No worries.....


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March

Defender George John returns to FC Dallas having failed to impress during his loan spell which consisted of two Development squad matches and no appearances in the first team squad.

Southampton somehow manage a 1‐0 win at Leeds despite being played off the park. This gives them a four point lead making it rather important that we get something out of our international trip the following day. This we do in decent style beating Cardiff 2‐0 with goals from Nolan and a collector’s item from McCartney whose 50 yard run finishes with him putting away a rebound. With his right foot. The disembodied head of Ray Winstone explodes as the bookies for whom he does those adverts struggle to compute the astronomical odds of Linda scoring at all, multiplied by the even more astronomical odds of such a goal coming from his right foot.

There’s more fun to be had at the expense of Chelsea as Abrahamovic decides that AVB (as I can’t be bothered to look up the spelling of his name) is not the man to run the club after all. AVB has lasted just about as long as it takes to conceive and give birth. There’s little sympathy for him however given the no doubt large payoff that he receives for going. In any case, people are too busy laughing at Chelsea to have any time for sympathy.

Southampton drop two home points to the in‐form Ipswich whose goal comes from Jason Scotland. This is possibly the first time ever I can recall smiling at a Scotland goal. However, despite dominating our match against Watford we fail to take the opportunity to go top, as the clock ticks on. Sub Ricardo Vaz Te notches a late equaliser but try as we might we fail to net the winner, despite 9 minutes of stoppage time being added for a serious‐looking (but thankfully not as serious as it looked) injury to Watford defender Dale Bennett who is stretchered off with his neck in a brace.

With Winston Reid still feeling the effects of serious concussion obtained playing for the Kiwis against Jamaica we look a bit short handed at the back and Stoke defender Danny Collins comes in on loan, though quite how he’ll adapt to playing football after his move from Stoke is anyone’s guess. Another loan signing is set to be ‘keeper Stephen Henderson who will come in from Pompey. Henderson’s signing is made with a view to a permanent deal, something that renews speculation as to the future of Rob Green, whose presence at the club is said to be dependent on what division the club are in next season. So the deal is in no way a clever way of saving Pompey a few bob to make sure they don’t disappear before the end of the season with our six points then.

As if to underline the feeling that Portsmouth must survive, because it would get just too complicated if they went under, the Football League promises £800,000 in staggered payments to get them through to the close of the regular season on 28 April. After which, presumably, nobody will give a monkeys.

We draw at home for the third consecutive match as Doncaster Rovers come to the Boleyn and leave with a point after a 1‐1 draw. Nolan scores early on as it seems that only referee Andy D’Urso’s long‐standing grudge against us will prevent us running up a cricket score. However, the loss of Ricardo Vaz Te with a hamstring injury sees us struggle to show any type of creativity and Doncaster pick up a deserved equaliser. It could have been worse, Green pulls of a remarkable save to stop us leaving empty‐handed. Reading close the gap between second and third to goal‐difference whilst


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Southampton’s win means that a win in the game in hand over Peterborough will be sufficient to see us reclaim top spot. As long as we can muster eleven goals in the process.

The delightful Mr Diouf receives a warm welcome at the Boleyn

A difficult trip to Leeds follows as 3,000 travelling Hammers see us go a goal down with seven minutes left. On‐loan Danny Collins pops up in stoppage time to rescue a point which is a decent return from Elland Road, though when taken in the context of wins for both Reading and Southampton , the point is not enough to keep us in the automatic promotion places. Southampton’s 3‐2 win at Millwall is particularly galling coming as they do from 2‐1 down with two more laughable penalties.

Such matters put into perspective by events at White Hart Lane as Bolton’s Fabrice Muamba collapses with a heart attack during the first half of his side’s FA Cup Quarter Final. The player’s heart stops for 78 minutes and a defibrillator is used as the medics perform heroics to keep the player alive. Ref Howard Webb abandons the match at 1‐1 with players and spectators visibly upset at the whole affair.

Meanwhile, we return to action at home to Boro’ and draw. 1‐1. Again. We go 1‐0 up (again) through a deflected Faye header but a baffling series of substitutions sees us try to shut up shop rather than try to exploit the space created by opponents drawn out of their shell. With predictable consequences. Ogbeche’s curled drive levels the scores late on. Despite the indifferent form we


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remain in the mix for automatic promotion as Reading slip up at Peterborough leaving us two points adrift with a game in hand.

The turgid 90 minutes against Boro’ contrasts hugely with events at Elland Road on the same night where Colin’s side are trounced 7‐3 by Forest, for whom McCleary nets four. Leeds take the lead but by half time Forest are 2‐1 up. Forest then go 3‐1 up before Leeds peg them back to 3‐3. Then Forest score again. And again. And again. And again. Colin is understandably embarrassed. “I’m embarrassed” he says, before going on to blame Carlos Tevez for the defeat.

Things don’t improve much for the Irons in the first half up at Burnley. Despite dominating and missing a succession of chances (pardon me if we’ve been here before) we somehow find ourselves 2‐0 down at the interval. Things perk up in the second half as Nolan (now in double figures for the season) and Tomkins level but yet again the forwards miss a number of opportunities to give us all three points. Ten unbeaten then, the last five of which are draws.

The impressive away form continues with a midweek trip to Peterborough where second half goals from Vaz Te and O’Neil give us all three points. The win is our eleventh on the road, which equals the club record.

New goalscorer, new hope

All looks set fair for the big showdown with Reading whose inexplicable run of victories despite playing poorly has put them in a strong position for promotion. We start well with Cole putting us 1‐0


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up early on. We dominate the first half so much that boxing referees are seen on the sidelines begging to be allowed to intervene.

However, we discover a clue to their form in the shape of Premier League referee Chris Foy who allows a blatant handball from ex‐Hammer McAnuff to set up the equaliser. Things get worse as a flukey deflection plays in Hunt to put them 2‐1 up at the Interval. A Noel Hunt dive over the nearest leg is enough for Foy to give them a penalty which is converted by Harte. Vaz Te gives us a bit of hope with a header that makes it 3‐2 but Foy caps a dismal match by repealing the offside law for a three yards offside Hunt to play in Leighterwood to give them a 4‐2 win and leave us four points off the promotion slots.


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April

The final month of the normal season begins with a Good Friday trip to Barnsley where goals from Nolan, Noble (a clever chip after a goalkeeping error), Maynard and Vaz Te give us a morale‐boosting 4‐0 win, thus setting a new club record of 12 away wins. Leeds kick lumps out of Reading and for once the rest of the league turns a blind eye. Despite being reduced to ten men Leeds look the better side but Reading dig up two late goals from somewhere to maintain the gap.

The Boat Race becomes interesting for once as a privately‐educated privileged idiot halts proceedings by swimming in front of the boats as a protest against, er, privately‐educated privileged idiots or something. Still it distracts everyone from making the “funny how Oxford & Cambridge always make it to the final” joke. Well apart from this time anyway.

There’s another big one at the Boleyn where Birmingham come to visit. Awful defending sees us go 2‐0 down before Vaz Te makes it 2‐1 in the third minute of first half stoppage. Even hanging on to that position is beyond us as Birmingham add a third in the fifth minute of the stoppage period, the extra time being caused by lengthy treatment to George McCartney following a clash of heads. We storm them second half and a 70th minute effort from Cole and a last minute penalty from Vaz Te give us a deserved point.

Reading beat Southampton at St Mary’s yet again taking three points from a thoroughly unconvincing performance. This means that a win against Brighton is a must. We get the win and then some as one of the performances of the season sees us run in six without reply. Goals from Vaz Te (3), Nolan, Cole and an og give us the points and do the goal difference a power of good as well. Vaz Te’s third is a bit special, a mid‐air scissor kick instantly propelling him to the top of the “goal of the season” nominations.

Unfortunately hopes of automatic promotion are dealt a major blow in our next match. We go 1‐0 up through a Tomkins effort but an uncharacteristic slip from Rob Green gives relegation threatened Bristol City an equaliser. Once more a plethora of missed chances cost us dearly and the draw leaves us needing snookers to have any chance of avoiding the playoffs.

Elsewhere Didier Drogba creates a world record for the number of dives in a match during Chelsea’s So‐Called Champions League Semi Final against Barcelona. Southampton players are seen pouring over their Sky+ machines for tips. Drogba gives Chelsea the lead in one of the three minutes of stoppage time added for treatment to his non‐existent injuries and, despite Barcelona playing them off the park, Chelsea take a 1‐0 lead into the second leg.

Drought hits this part of the country prompting the traditional hosepipe ban, followed by the even more traditional heavy rain. Which proceeds to last for weeks. And weeks.

Results elsewhere mean that Reading, despite their obvious limitations, have somehow become Champions. There is dancing in the streets of Derby as Rams’ fans look forward to finally losing the embarrassment of being tagged the worst Premier League team ever. There is still an outside chance of automatic promotion for us but a win away at Leicester is required to keep that particular flame alight. The home side take the lead against the run of play but the lead lasts less than 4 minutes as


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Reid turns in a Taylor cross. A rejuvenated Jack Collison buries a spectacular 25‐yarder to give us all three points.

Chelsea are yet again played off the park by Barcelona as the home side take a 2‐0 lead. John Terry (“the greatest Captain England have had ever” – M Lipton) knees Sanchez in the back and then has the cheek to deny any wrongdoing claiming “he must have backed into me”. Terry eventually concedes that it might just possibly look like he was guilty from a certain angle – that angle presumably being one where you were facing the screen. Ramires gives Chelsea the advantage, Messi (suspiciously) hits the bar from a penalty and even more suspiciously Torres scores late on to send the Pensioners through to the final v Bayern Munich. It’s almost worth seeing Chelsea qualify in the realisation that Terry will be suspended.

The following morning’s newspapers are full of the news that enquiries into the phone hacking scandal that doesn’t involve Spurs have resulted in the conclusion that Rupert Murdoch is not a “fit and proper” person to run a newspaper, something which, apparently, is news. One paper which doesn’t run with the story is the Sun whose front page simply states “Torres Scores!”

Back in the realms of proper football we go into the final match of the season needing a win and some goals, if Southampton draw, or just a win if they lose. The only problem with that scenario is that Southampton are playing already‐relegated Coventry. Coventry are so poor that Southampton don’t require any dives to win 3‐0 and leave us in the playoffs. A Carlton Cole double either side of half time puts us 2‐0 up but as the news filters through from Southampton we sit back and important players are wisely substituted in advance of the extension of the season. Hull pull a late goal back after a bizarre cock‐up from Guy Demel.

We finish in third place a mere three points from top spot. The club record 13 wins away from home contrasts with the home form where too many draws have cost us automatic promotion. However, possibly significantly, we’ve won two on the trot at home – which will be handy in the playoffs won’t it where Cardiff lie in wait…..


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Part Five – Overtime

May

The month starts with the tabloids being outwitted by the FA as Roy Hodgson is appointed England boss. Redknapp’s journo mates cry foul as their man is ignored in favour of someone with a proven track record of coaching at international level and no recent court appearances. At first the English public seem to follow the redtops’ lead but the Sun scores a spectacular own goal by publishing a front page taking the mickey out of Hodgson’s speech problem. The FA complains and any thoughts that the Sun might have a lucid and coherent case are immediately dispelled when they trot out Jonathon Ross as witness for the defence.

We pay another visit abroad for the playoff semi final first leg against Cardiff City. Tickets are again collectable from somewhere really inconvenient. For some reason everyone connected with Cardiff seems to feel it necessary to go into print regarding how awful we must be feeling about missing out on automatic promotion and how much pressure we must be under. We are under so much pressure that Jack Collison puts away two first half goals in a performance that has the word “professional” stamped right through it.

Cardiff boss Malky Mackay puts a brave face on the demolition job carried out on his team. “We’ve got them worried now – 2‐0 is a really dangerous lead”. It’s a warning partially heeded by Blackpool in the other playoff who take care to only take a 1‐0 lead into their second leg against Blackpool.

A major dilemma faced the nation on FA Cup Final day where Chelsea face Liverpool. On the one hand there was a side with dodgy owners, ignorant fans and racist players whilst on the other hand, er…

The final is hidden away on Saturday evening to hide the embarrassing nature of the participants. Prior to kick‐off the charmless Scousers whistle and jeer the National Anthem. The match ends up 2‐1 to Chelsea with Liverpool being denied an equaliser by a Carroll effort that doesn’t cross the line, despite all efforts of the TV pundits to stir up controversy.

The best thing about the final is the way that we are allowed to see the look on the faces of the likes of Gerrard picking up their losers’ medals before turning off before the obnoxious Terry picks up the cup. The scouse supporters in the stadium further display their lack of class by legging it before the trophy is presented.

Cardiff come to London via a detour to Turkmenistan to pick up tickets for the second leg of the semi final. We cop a deaf one on Mackay’s “2‐0’s a dangerous lead” comment and render the point academic by half time, taking a 2‐0 lead through a close range header from Nolan and a powerful Vaz Te drive. Maynard’s first goal at home towards the end makes it 3‐0, with another fine performance to send us to Wembley for the first time in 31 years.


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Cheer up Winston, it could be worse...

The chicken dance that accompanies Nolan’s goal is emulated at Ewood Park where supporters lob a live chicken on the pitch in protest at the stewardship of the poultry farmer owners Venkeys. Blackburn lose 1‐0 to Wigan and are relegated in the process while Liverpool immediately place a £35m bid to sign the chicken.

The other playoff semi final sees Blackpool throw away a 2‐0 lead to draw 2‐2 against Birmingham. It’s still enough to get them through to face us at Wembley but they are holding on at the end.

Fed up with continually having to order their employees to apologise for stuff, and annoyed at the fact that their club hold an end of season lap of honour following their sixth home win of the season, Liverpool’s owners sack Dalglish. “He’s not been close enough to the fans” they comment. “However, now that he’s unemployed he will be”.

Ticketing arrangements for the playoff final start to turn a bit daft as it’s revealed that Blackpool have ben given the same 39,000 or so allocation as us, despite having a much smaller average gate. Rumours of poor ticket sales in the north‐west abound despite every supporter being able to take two or three mates each. If they have any.

Idiot of the pre‐playoff week award goes to the tool who publishes a two‐year old photo of an away kit, announces it as a new kit and uses the existence of the Premier League badges on the sleeves as examples of our supposed pre‐playoff “arrogance”. When caught out, the idiot goes one further by replacing the old photo with a supporter’s mock‐up from the KUMB.com forums. Worse still,


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Seasiders’ defender Ian Evatt is dumb enough to fall for it and makes a tit of himself by repeating the stuff as fact.

The build‐up to the big match concludes with Blackpool sending back a record 7,000 tickets. Because of the way they’ve been dished out all attempts to reallocate the spares fall on deaf ears due to segregation issues.

The big day finally arrives. Everyone sings the National Anthem (Scousers please note) and, Collison’s shoulder injury having healed it is an unchanged eleven that starts the match. We take a half time lead through Carlton Cole but Blackpool restore parity after the interval. Although we don’t play nearly as well as we have been of late we still have good chances to win the match before Vaz Te’s effort with but two minutes left is enough to take us up in front of 40,000+ Hammers and as many waifs and strays that Blackpool could muster.

Some happy Hammers at Wembley (shortly before Butler’s flag went walkies)

John Terry turns up in full kit offering to help out with lifting the trophy but security tell him to sling his hook. Undeterred, England’s Greatest Ever Captain (©M Lipton) jets off to Munch where he is able to pick up another trophy that he had sod all to do with winning.


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Big Sam admits to having taken a Beta Blocker before the final to control his nerves. Sheffield United’s lawyers’ ears prick up at the thought of suing over a potential failed drug test.

Meanwhile, in the aftermath of the defeat, Blackpool’s Alex Baptiste delivers the most hilarious of sour grapes tirades against West Ham. “I know which team I’d rather play for” he says, conveniently ignoring the fact that nobody is likely to give him the option. “Their players are all 8ft tall” says the 5ft 11in tall Baptiste who, despite the fact that he himself is taller than several Hammers, seems dreadfully upset at having been made to play football against the bigger boys. Sep Blatter, who has been quiet on the “really stupid ideas” front, muses over introducing boxing‐style height divisions in football before the realisation that John Terry would still probably turn up to pick up the trophy in the women’s 5ft and under tournament.

The play‐off season (yes there were others) continues and there isn’t a dry eye in the house as Sheffield United play Huddersfield Town in one of the dullest matches ever seen anywhere. A bizarre penalty shoot‐out takes place which, after an incredibly poor first five penalties, finishes at 2‐2. It then gets silly as all the players considered not good enough to take any of the first lot, bury their spot‐kicks in brilliant style, leaving just the ‘keepers to go. Town ‘keeper Smithies dispatches his and, is able to put his feet up as Hypocrite’s net‐minder Simonsen becomes an honorary Hammer by thumping his kick into the stands. I expect we’ll stop laughing eventually.

As contracts come up for renewal, it’s farewell Abdoullaye Faye, John Carew, Papa Bouba Diop, Olly Lee and Julien Faubert. Unlike last time he left these shores, Faubert is not expected to pitch up at Real Madrid, despite having a fine 20 minutes in the play‐off final.

Rob Green is in Roy Hodgson’s Euro 2012 squad amidst rumours that he’ll be on his way at the end of the season. The tensions between Rio Ferdinand and “England’s Greatest Ever Captain” (according to M Lipton who either needs psychiatric help or a good slap) mean that Hodgson decides that he has room for only one of them. Terry gets the nod meaning that he’ll be there to pick up the trophy when Spain win it. Terry warms up with a trip to Azerbaijan where he is on hand to take a bow as Sweden win the Eurovision song contest.

In typical cack‐handed style season tickets go on sale for the 12/13 season. Season ticket holders due a 20% discount for having renewed for five consecutive seasons are baffled by the lack of mention of the discount in any of the stuff appearing on the official site. Eventually there’s an announcement. Sort of. “All will be revealed in the renewal packs which we’re sending out, er, soon”. Another period of silence follows before an email goes out to supporters.

The dreadfully drafted missive points out that the proposed discount would cost a lot of money and it was those beastly Icelandic chaps that had made it in the first place. The email appears to suggest that the original offer is invalid – though cleverly it stops just short of actually saying so – and suggests supporters take 5% off over the next four years instead. Crucially, it is implied that the original offer is somehow off the table and supporters are given only the option and ability to renew at the club’s preferred rate.

When challenged again the club, realising that they are on dodgy ground legally, finally concede that they have to honour original offer, though even this admission is limited to those who bothered to


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ask and is laden with so much emotional blackmail that one would think supporters had asked to take money from the mouths of starving Africans, rather than simply asking what the position was. Ironically many supporters now claiming the 20% claimed that they might have accepted the revised offer had the club not apparently attempted to mislead them. All in all, not the finest hour for the board who came on board with a wave of promises of openness and transparency.

Barry Hearn is in the news again. Having at various stages been in favour of Tottenham taking over the Olympic Stadium, then nobody taking it over, Hearn graciously decides that we can move in after all and that he’ll let us share the place with Leyton Orient. Gosh thanks Barry. Mind if we get back to you on that one?

Despite the discount fracas, there apparently remains enough in the coffers to put in a £1.2m bid for Yakubu, who is seeking a Premier League club after Blackburn’s relegation. George McCartney, available on a free from Sunderland, is also offered a permanent deal. Rob Green looks for a reported £50k a week. This is an amount that the management seems to baulk at and the player goes to the Euros with nothing decided as to his future.

Farewell and Godspeed, Mr. Green

With the goalkeeper situation in a state of flux, transfer speculation links us with Blackburn’s Paul Robinson and Bolton’s Jussi Jaaskeleinen. JJ, as he is known to anyone who has to type his name, spent much of 2011/12 on the bench having failed to regain his place after injury. The down side for


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JJ’s replacement Adam Bogdan was that Bolton ‘keepers have to wear pink shirts. Which is a bit of a nightmare if you are as red‐headed as Bogdan is.

Rumours of possible riots amongst fat people in velour tracksuits start to gather pace as the Government issues a consultation document that raises the possibility of adding VAT to Cornish pasties. The Sun newspaper leads a campaign that is short on quotes from those against the proposed tax due to their mouths being full every time someone calls to ask them a question.

The Soccer Aid charity match takes place at Old Trafford where the usual 70,000 crowd of people who know sod all about football is replaced by a 70,000 crowd people who know sod all about both football and music, coming, as most of them have, to scream at Robbie Williams (once memorably described by one of the Gallagher brothers as “that fat dancer with Take That”). The England XI, managed by Sam Allardyce, prevails over a Rest Of The World XI 3‐1.

The first half highlight is the ROW’s goal scored by Kasabian guitarist Serge Pizzorno, whose chip finds David Seaman stranded off his line (how odd, not). The second half highlight involves tv chef Gordon Ramsey who leaves a foot in on Paddy McGuinness prompting a spot of ball throwing. Teddy Sheringham exacts revenge by ploughing straight through the foul‐mouthed ex‐Rangers (yeah right – and I played for Barcelona) defender/chef, putting him in hospital with a shocking tackle that we really ought to condemn but can’t quite bring ourselves to do so.

There’s dancing in the streets of, Copenhagen, as the much improved Winston Reid picks up the award for New Zealand Footballer Of The Year, beating off strong competition from, er, all the other New Zealand footballers who were in contention.

Robert Mugabe comes out as a Chelsea supporter which tells you all you need to know about both him and them. Mugabe instantly overtakes John Terry in the list of most obnoxious people in the world with Chelsea connections, though he fails to dislodge Tim Lovejoy from top slot. M Lipton’s article “Why Mugabe is football’s greatest ever supporter” is put on hold after even he can’t get past the opening line of “Ok so he may be a ruthless dictator with genocidal tendencies but......”

Premier League manager news and Liverpool appoint Swansea boss Brendon Rodgers as their new manager which comes as a shock to “Dodgy” Dave Whelan who had been mentally spending the compensation cash that he, er, sorry Wigan, would have received had he not priced Roberto Martinez out of the market. Liverpool supremo Ian Ayre refers to Whelan as “a comedian” – something that confuses us on the grounds that Whelan has never made us laugh. Then we remember the likes of Tom O’Connor, Stan Boardman, Ken Dodd etc and realise that “being funny” isn’t a prerequisite for comedian status on Merseyside. (By the way, if anyone who knows “Premier League Manager” Neil Warnock is reading this, can you pop over and tell him that he can stop waiting by the ‘phone now).

England’s preparations for Euro 2012 are thrown into turmoil as Gareth Barry and Frank Lampard (jr) are both ruled out by injury. Lampard (jr)’s injury causes suspicion, coming as it does as the Government announces a U‐turn with regard to the proposed “pasty tax”. Those that might otherwise be dancing in the streets at the news that pasties will remain tax‐free (if not kept warm) decline the opportunity to do so on the grounds that dancing looks an awful lot like exercise.


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Lampard’s withdrawal from the squad means that Hodgson at least doesn’t have to wrestle with the age old question of whether Gerrard and Lampard can play in the same side that has troubled England managers ever since the great “do we have room for two ludicrously overrated players in the team?” question first came to light.

Carlsberg run a competition to give ordinary fans a chance to become part of the England squad by completing the sentence “I think I should play for England because....” . Mr J Henderson of Liverpool wins with his entry that reads “some of my mates are going and they’re no good at football either”. Emile Heskey considers an appeal at the decision on the grounds that Henderson had help from his mum with the spelling, but he falls over on the way to the post box and the appeal never makes it to Carlsberg, who, since I’ve now mentioned them twice in a paragraph, ought really to think about sending me some product.

England’s final warm‐up games see victories away to Norway and at home to Belgium both by 1‐0. Gary Cahill withdraws from the squad with a broken jaw. Hodgson allows him to be replaced by Carlsberg (I’m getting thirsty here) competition runner‐up Martin Kelly (competition answer: “so I can hold my friend Jordan’s hand”).

Cardiff’s Malaysian owners resurrect a plan to change the club’s colours from blue to red which will make them, er, easier to see in Asia or something and will be the solution to all their problems. Presumably nobody called Liverpool before thinking that one up.

The final transfer speculation of the period leaves us looking at Wolves’ Michael Kightley, Wigan’s Mohammed Diame, Nicholas Anelka (lately of somewhere in China), Rangers’ Stephen Naismith, Stoke’s Kenwyne Jones, and, bizarrely, Ronaldinho who has fallen out with his current employers over a disagreement over wages, Ronaldinho believing his contract entitled him to some. Tottenham are rumoured to have put in a £5m bid for James Tomkins. No official confirmation comes of the bid which is too daft to be taken seriously. Even they’re not that stupid are they?

So, to summarise, we went up. We have the Euros and the Olympics to look forward to in the summer. The fixtures are out on June 18th. The season starts on 18 August so Sky have a whole two months to mess up your plans, though as usual you can probably rely on them to leave it until an hour after you have left for the match before announcing any revised dates. Our tv coverage will be on a bit earlier – though on past form from the BBC that’ll only be by a minute or two.

And this time next year I’ll be looking back at a really dull season and won’t have had a thing to write….

Gordon Thrower


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THAT WAS THE SEASON THAT WAS 2011/12 Words: Gordon Thrower

Pictures: KUMB.com/T’internet

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