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White Christmas ACTONE

1."Overture"SCENE1:SomewhereOntheWesternFrontofWorldWarII(Lightsuponasmall,skinnyChristmastreedecoratedwithcansandmilitaryparaphernalia,sittingontopofwhatisclearlyanarmytrunk.Ahome-madebannersays"MERRYCHRISTMAS,1944"and"151stDIVISION"withanarrowpointingto"U.S.A.3,451MILES."CAPT.BOBWALLACEandPFC.PHILDAVISareentertainingtheirdivisioninahomemadeholidayshow.BOBandPHILwearbattlefatiguesandred,fur-trimmedSantahats,andPHILwearsasetofjinglebells.CORP.RALPHSHELDRAKE,sittingonanotherarmytrunk,accompaniesthemonawheezysqueezebox,partofaone-manband.Tothetuneof"Steppin'OutWithMyBaby,"CORP.RALPHSHELDRAKEisMC'ingtheendofaholidayshow.AnaudienceofGI'swatches,seatedontheground.)SHELDRAKE:Settledown,GI's,settledown!AndnowI'vegotamillion-dollarpropositionforyou.Ifthere'sanythingworsethanfightingawaronChristmasEve,it'sgottabeourfinalact.

2."HappyHoliday-1944"BOB:PrivateDavis!PHIL:Yes,CaptainWallace!BOB:Remember-don'tsinguntilyouseethewhitesoftheireyes!PHIL:Isee'em!BOB:Thensing!BOB&PHIL:HAPPYHOLIDAY!HAPPYHOLIDAY!WHILETHEMERRYBELLSKEEPRINGING,MAYYOUREV'RYWISHCOMETRUEHAPPYHOLIDAY!HAP,HAPPYHOLIDAY!MAYTHECALENDARKEEPBRINGINGHAPPYHOLIDAYSTOYOU!(Musiccontinuesasacampunderthefollowingdialogue)BOB:That'squiteacrowdwe'vegotouthere.Whatdoyouthink?PHIL:Lookslikethey'vebeenthroughawar.BOB:Theyhavebeenthroughawar.PHIL:Wellthen,theylookprettygood!(SHELDRAKEpunctuatesthepunchlinewitharazzingHONK)

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BOB&PHIL:WHILETHEMERRYBELLSKEEPRINGING,MAYYOUREV'RYWISHCOMETRUEPHIL:CaptainWallace.BOB:Yes,PrivateDavis.PHIL:Doyouknowhowlongit'sbeensinceI'veseenagirl?BOB:Howlongisthat,Private?PHIL:Idunno,butwe'redancin'awfulCLOSE!BOB&PHIL:MAYTHECALENDARKEEPBRINGINGHAPPYHOLIDAYS,HAPPYHOLIDAYSTOYOU!SHELDRAKE:Allright,allright.Thanks.We'vecertainlyhadagoodtimetonight,haven'twe,fellas?Look,Iknowyou'reallmissinghome.(PHILbeginstoturnthecrankofthemusicbox.)

2A."WhiteChristmasMusicBox"SHELDRAKE:Sohere'sonetoputyourightbackthereinfrontofthefireplace,sungbyourveryownCaptainBobWallace.BOB:(Singingacappella)I'MDREAMINGOFAWHITECHRISTMASJUSTLIKETHEONESIUSEDTOKNOW,WHERETREE-TOPSGLISTEN,ANDCHILDRENLISTENTOHEARSLEIGHBELLSINTHESNOWBOB,PHIL,&SHELDRAKE:I'MDREAMINGOFAWHITECHRISTMASWITHEV'RYCHRISTMASCARDIWRITE...BOB:C'mon,boys,helpmeout...(GENERALHENRYWAVERLYenters,unnoticedbythem-amanly,commandingfigureusingastickforacane.)ALLSOLDIERS:MAYYOURDAYSBEMERRYANDBRIGHTANDMAYALLYOURCHRISTMASESBEWHITEWAVERLY:Attention!BOB:(BOB,PHIL,andSHELDRAKEsaluting)GeneralWaverly,sir!WAVERLY:Whatthedevilisgoingonhere?Don'tyoumenknowthatthere'sawaron?PHIL:Yes,sir.Butit'sChristmasEveandwethoughtwe'dcelebrate-WAVERLY:Attention!PHIL:Yes,sir.WAVERLY:Takeoffthoseridiculousbells.PHIL:(Removingthem)JustalittleYuletidecheer,youknow.Jinglebellsandsoon...WAVERLY:Davis,ifyoucouldmarchaswellasyoujingle,thiswarwouldbeover.PHIL:Yes,sir.WAVERLY:CaptainWallace,Ibelieveyouareoutofuniform.BOB:(RemovingSantahat)Yes,sir.WAVERLY:Dismissed.BOB&PHIL:Yes,sir!Thankyou,sir

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(BOB,PHIL,SHELDRAKEandSOLDIERSstartout.)WAVERLY:Andgentlemen-thankyouforthefineshow.BOB,PHIL,&SHELDRAKE:Thankyou,sir-MerryChristmas,sir-MerryChristmas,sir.(BOB,PHIL,andSHELDRAKEexit.)WAVERLY:(Toaudience/SOLDIERS)So-ChristmasEve,1944.Idon'tseeanyflyingreindeerinthislittlecornerofhelltonight.Gentlemen,Idohavesomenewsforyou.Thearmyhasorderedmestatesideasofzero-one-hundredhourstogetthisGermanbuckshottakenoutofmyleg.Andifyoudon'tgivethenewCOasmuchrespectasyouhaveHenryWaverly,Imaycomebackandfightfortheenemy.Ithasbeenmygreatprivilegetoleadyoumen.(Indicatingtovariousmembersoftheaudience)Johnson.Sanchez.Rubenstein.Perelli.The151stDivisionisdoingAmericaproud.Maybeinayearwe'llbecelebratingtheholidaysaroundafirewithourfamiliesandfriends.Tenyearsfromnow-1954-whoknowswherewe'llbe.Let'sprayit'sabetterworld.Soldiers-MerryChristmas.3."SullivanOpening"(WAVERLYsalutesus,andexitsasuptempo,brightmusiccomesupandthescenechangesto...)SCENE2:TheEdSullivanShow-1954TVANNOUNCER:WelcomebacktotheEdSullivanShow!Broughttoyoubythe1954LincolnMercuryandOxydolDetergent-thewashdaycleanserforthatall-Americanpurity.(RITAandRHODAdanceon,twoleggychorusgirlsdressedasOxydolDetergentboxes.)TVANNOUNCER:UseOxydol!RITA&RHODA:Forpurity!(THEYexit.)TVANNOUNCER:Andnow:America'sfavoritesong-and-danceteam-recordingartistsandBroadwaystars,BobWallaceandPhilDavis!(TheSullivanShowcurtainpartstorevealajazzedupBOBandPHIL.)4."HappyHoliday/LetYourselfGo"BOB&PHIL:HAPPYHOLIDAY!HAPPYHOLIDAY!WHILETHEMERRYBELLSKEEPRINGING,MAYYOUREV'RYWISHCOMETRUEPHIL:HAPPYHOLIDAY!BOB:HAPPYHOLIDAY!PHIL:HAP-HAPPYHOLIDAY!BOB;HAPPYHOLIDAY!BOB&PHIL:MAYTHECALENDARKEEPBRINGIN'HAPPYHOLIDAYS,HAPPYHOLIDAYSTOYOU!(BOBandPHILarejoinedbyensembleasthesongbuildsintoafullproductionnumber.)BOB&PHIL:COME,GETTOGETHERLETTHEDANCEFLOORFEELYOURLEATHERSTEPASLIGHTLYASAFEATHER,LETYOURSELFGOCOMEHITTHETIMBERPHIL:LOOSENUPANDSTARTTOLIMBERBOB:CAN'TYOUHEARTHEHOTMARIMBA?

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BOB&PHIL:LETYOURSELFGO,LETYOURSELFGO,RELAX,ANDLETYOURSELFGORELAX,YOU'VEGOTYOURSELFTIEDUPINAKNOTTHENIGHTISCOLD,BUTTHEMUSIC'SHOTSOCOMEON,COMEON,CUDDLECLOSERDON'TYOUDARETOANSWER"NO,SIR"BUTCHER,BANKER,CLERK,ANDGROCER,LETYOURSELFGO!ENSEMBLE:LETYOURSELFGO,RELAXANDLETYOURSELFGO,RELAXYOU'VEGOTYOURSELFTIEDUPINAKNOTTHENIGHTISCOLD,BUTTHEMUSIC'SHOTSOCOME,CUDDLECLOSER,DON'TYOUDARETOANSWER"NO,SIR"BUTCHER,BANKER,CLERK,ANDGROCER,LETYOURSELFGO!(Dancebreak)BOB&PHIL:Letyourselfgo!(Dancebreakcontinues.)BOB&PHIL:LETYOURSELFGO,RELAX,ANDLETYOURSELFGORELAX,YOU'VEGOTYOURSELFTIEDUPINAKNOTTHENIGHTISCOLDBUTTHEMUSIC'SHOTTHENIGHTISCOLD,BUTTHEMUSIC’SHOTTHENIGHTISCOLD…HAPPYHOLIDAY!HAPPYHOLIDAY!WHILETHEMERRYBELLSKEEPRINGIN'MAYTHECALENDARKEEPBRINGIN'HAPPYHOLIDAYSTOYOU!TOYOU!TOYOU!

ENSEMBLE:RELAX!RELAX!YEAH!HOT!HOTBUTTHEMUSIC'SHOT!HAPPYHOLIDAY!HAPPYHOLIDAY!HAPPYHOIDAYS!

ALL:YEAH!

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4A."LetYourselfGo(Playoff)"(Whenthenumberends,allbow,thenBOBandPHILcomedownstage.)BOB:(Duringtheapplause)Thanks,folks!We'reofftoMiamitotryoutournewshow!PHIL:We'llseeyouinFlorida!MerryChristmas!BOB:MerryChristmas!SCENE3:BackstageattheSullivanShow(BackstageatJimmy'sanone-too-classynightclub.BOBentersaspiffydressingroom,whichtakesuphalfthesage.PHILandGLORIAareflirtingbythedoor.)PHIL:You’relookingsogreatoutthere.GLORIA:ThanksMr.Davis!Youalwayslookgreat!PHIL:Well,I—BOB:Wouldyouguysknockitoff?PHIL:RunalongGloria.I’llcatchyoulater.GLORIA:OkayHandsome.Callmeanytime!(SheexitsasTESSIE,theirassistant,enters.)TESSIE:Thatwasagreatshow,Mr.Wallace.BOB:Thanks,Tessie.WouldyoutellScootertopickupthetempoonthatdancebreak?(ToPHIL)Andyou,Itoldyoutoworkonthesecondchorus,notthesecondchorusgirl.PHIL:Guiltyascharged.TESSIE:(HandingBOBpapersandaclipboard)Telegram.Telegram.Signature.BOB:(Ashechecksthepapersandsigns.)Didyousetupthetrainticketsfortonight?TESSIE:Yes,sir.YouandMr.Davishaveadrawingroomontheonea.m.toMiami.BOB:Good...TESSIE:Thekidsinthechorusfollowyoudownintwodaysforrehearsals.BOB:Great.Thanks,Tess.(TESSIEexits.DuringthefollowingsceneBOBandPHILchangefromtheirEdSullivancostumesintostreetclothes,inawell-knownandoften-practicedroutine.)PHIL:ChristmasinFlorida.Ilikethat.BOB:Eighteenholesandaswiminthesunshine,you'llwanttomovethere.(RALPHSHELDRAKEenters.)SHELDRAKE:Hey,hey!The151stDivisioncomesthroughagain!CaptainWallace!PrivateDavis!PHIL:CorporalSheldrake!BOB,PHIL&SHELDRAKE:(Singacappella)GEE,IWISHIWASBACKINTHEARMY!BA-DA,DA-DA,DA-DA,DA-DA,DA-DA!PHIL:YouthinkallTVproducesgotstartedbyfinaglingblackmarketnylons?SHELDRAKE:Thisonedid.Boys,Igotamillion-dollarpropositionforyou.EdwantsyoubackontheshowaftertheFloridatryout.Youdoapieceofyournewrevueandwebroadcastit,whatdoyousay?PHIL:Bob?Whatdoyousay?BOB&PHIL:It'samillion-dollarproposition!(Theyalllaugh)SHELDRAKE:Great!I'llsendyouallthedetails.Andhey-haveaMerryChristmas,fellas!PHIL:MerryChristmas,Ralph!BOB:MerryChristmas.(SHELDRAKEexits.RITAandRHODAenter.)

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RITA:Oh,Philly-dillly!RHODA:Oncewe'reinFlorida,arewegonnaworkonthatnewquote-unquote"routine"unquote?PHIL:Yeah,honey,yeah,I'vegotitallworkedout.RITA:Thatlastroutinedidwondersformylegs.Look!(Shekicksoutherleg,PHILtakesit.)PHIL:Lookin’goodRhoda.RITA:I’mRita.That’sRhoda.PHIL:(Tryingtorecover-laughs)Iknow!Iwasjusttestingyou!RITA&RHODA:Ohhhhh(Theylaughobnoxiously)BOB:Girls,couldyoumaybegiveusafewminutes?RHODA:OkilydokilyBobby!SeeyainFlorida!RITA:Andremember,useOxydol.RITA&RHODA:(Bawdily)Forpurity!(RITAandRHODAexitgiggling.)BOB:"Philly-Dilly..."Haveyoueverconsideredgivingthefemalesexabreather?PHIL:What,andgiveupshowbusiness?BOB:Idon'tknowwhat'sgettingolderfaster-me,oryourjokes.PHIL:Hey,whydon'twegoforadrinkbeforethetrain?Iheardaboutthislittleclubdowntown...BOB:Whoa,whoa,whoa.Ismellanangle.Skipthescam,Phil,whatdoyouactuallywantfromme?PHIL:Okay-youremembermesssergeantFrankieHaynes?BOB:Freckle-facedHaynes?Thedog-facedboy?PHIL:Yeah.Hissistersaredoingashowinsomejoint.We'redoinganewrevue-andwesaidwewantedasisteract.BOB:Thisisn'taplottohookmeupwithanotherbelly-dancingrocketscientist?PHIL:It'sawaytofindasisteract!Ofcourse,wecouldalwaystakeRitaandRhodaalong...BOB:Stop.Eversincewewereinthearmy,you'vebeentryingtofixmeupwithsomethingfemale.Tenyearsnow-PHIL:(Under"tenyearsnow")Youwannaknowwhy,Bob?BOB:—letmefinish-bigones,littleones,dumpyones,aslongasitwearsaskirtandit'sstillbreathing,youtrotitout.PHIL:I'mtryingtoputalittleromanceinyourlife,Bob!Iwantyoutogooutandhavesomefun.Rememberfun?IwantyoutostopbeingBobWallaceIncorporatedandfallinlove!Iwantyoutogetmarriedandhaveninechildren,soyoucanhaveahomeandIcangooutandgetamassageorsomething!BOB:Okay,okay.Maybeyou'vegotapointthere,abouthome.Butcomeon,Phil-mostofthekidswemeetarelikeyou,they'reambitious.5."LoveandtheWeather"BOB:Theydon'twanttosettledownandraiseafamily.Asforlove-nothanks.It'stoomuchliketheweather.PHIL:Youlostme.BOB:UNPREDICTABLE,IRRESPONSIBLE,UNBELIEVABLE,UNRELIABLE,EVERSINCETHEWORLDBEGAN,ARECUPIDANDTHEWEATHERMANLOVEANDTHEWEATHER,BIRDSOFAFEATHER

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CAN'TBEDEPENDEDUPONONEDAYIT'SSUNNY,NEXTDAYTHESUNSHINEHASGONELOVEANDTHEWEATHER,ALWAYSTOGETHER,PLANNINGANOTHERSURPRISE,BRINGINGTHERAINDROPS,JUSTLIKETHETEARSTOYOUREYESANYGUYWITHLOVECLOSEBYISCOZYANDWARMLOVEWALKSOUTANDKICKSAGUYRIGHTOUTOFTHEWARM,INTOASTORMMOONLIGHTROMANCESHAVETOTAKECHANCESTHAT'SWHATYOULEARNWITHTHEDAWN-LOVEANDTHEWEATHERCAN’TBEDEPENDEDUPON(Ashabbydressingroomat"Jimmy'sBackRoom"isrevealedontheotherhalfofthestageasJUDYHAYNESenters,gettingreadyforashow.)JUDY:ItoldJimmytoputthematatablerightdownfront.I'msoexcited.IhopeIdon'tstareatthemduringthenumber.(BETTYHAYNESenters.)BETTY:Well,Istilldon'tunderstandit.JUDY:Oh,Betty,willyousettledown?We'veactuallygotWallaceandDaviscomingtoseeus!BETTY:Yes,buthowdidWallaceandDaviseverfindoutaboutBettyandJudyHaynes?JUDY:Idon'tknow.TheywereinthearmywithFrankie.MaybethroughFrankie...BETTY:Frankie'sinAlaska.HowdidheevergettoWallaceandDavis?JUDY:I,uh...BETTY:Ismellarathere.Maybethesameratwhotoldthisclubownerwe'rehiscousins.JUDY:Ididn'tsaycousins.Isaidwewenttokindergartentogether.BETTY:Didyoueverhearabouthonestybeingthebestpolicy?JUDY:Yeah,andIneverbelieveditforasecond.Don'tyouwantustogetsomeplace,Betty?Doyouwanttogoonplayingdiveslikethisforever?BETTY:Oh,honey,Idowantyoutosucceed...JUDY:We'reatwosome,remember?Idon'tsucceedifyoudon't.BETTY:ButJudy,Idon'twantyoutoholdtheacttogetherbecauseofme.Ifyougetanoffer,orifyoufindareallygreatguy...JUDY:Howcanyoubesobeautifulandsoinsecure?You'retheonewhodeservestheoffer-andtheguy.BETTY:Idon'tknowaboutdeservehim.5A."LoveandtheWeather(PartII)"BETTY:ButI'mgoingtograbanumbrellaandputongalosheswhenImeethim.JUDY:Youlostme.BETTY:LOVEANDTHEWEATHER,BIRDSOFAFEATHERCAN'TBEDEPENDEDUPONONEDAYIT'SSUNNY,NEXTDAYTHESUNSHINEHASGONELOVEANDTHEWEATHER,ALWAYSTOGETHERPLANNINGANOTHERSURPRISEBRINGINGTHERAINDROPS,JUSTLIKETHETEARSTOYOUREYES

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ANYGALWHO'SCUPID'SPALISCOZYANDWARMLOVEWALKSOUTANDKICKSOURGALRIGHTOUTOFTHEWARM,INTOASTORMMOONLIGHTROMANCES,HAVETOTAKECHANCESTHAT'SWHATYOULEARNWITHTHEDAWN-LOVEANDTHEWEATHERCAN'TBEDEPENDEDUPON(Bothdressingroomsarenowspotlighted.However,thoughthesetsarenexttoeachotherandBOBandBETTYsingtogether,theyarenotinthesamespace,andarenotawareoftheotheratall.)PHIL:Look,Bob,justhumorme,willyou?Callitafavorforanoldarmybuddy.We'llgoseeFrankie'sfreckle-facedsisters,maybetheweather'llbreak,theskies'llclear,andtheloveofyourlifewillpopoutofapuddle.I'llgograbusacab.(PHILexitsfromonedressingroom,JUDYfromtheother.)BOB:ANYGUYWITHLOVECLOSEBYISCOZYANDWARMBETTY:LOVEWALKSOUTANDKICKSAGALRIGHTOUTOFTHEWARMBOB&BETTY:INTOASTORMMOONLIGHTADVANCES,LOVE'SGOLDENCHANCESRAINCOMESALONGANDTHEY'REGONE-LOVEANDTHEWEATHERCHANGEFROMNIGHTTODAWNBOB:UNPREDICTABLE!BETTY:IRRESPONSIBLE!BOB:UNBELIEVABLE!BETTY:UNRELIABLE!BOB&BETTY:LOVEANDTHEWEATHERCANNOTBEDEPENDEDUPON!5B."LoveandtheWeather(SceneChangeUnderscore)"(THEYexit.Musicstarts,andthescenechangesto...)SCENE4:Jimmy'sBackRoom(BOBandPHILenterasaCIGARETTEGIRLroamsthecrowd.)CIGARETTEGIRL:Cigars,cigarettes,candy!PHIL:Hellothere!CIGARETTEGIRL:Cigar,sir?PHIL:Idon'tknowhowtosmoke,butyoucouldteachme.BOB:Down,boy.(RITAandRHODAenter,laughing.)RHODA:Hiya,Philly!RITA:Funnybumpin'intoyouhere!RHODA:Wannasitwithus?PHIL:I’msorrygirls,butwe’remeetingsomeone.RITA:Okay.Butifyougetbored,theofferisgoodallnight!(THEYgiggleandexit.)(BOBandPHILsitatastagesidetabletowatchasJIMMYentersonstagetothesoundofadrumroll/crash.)JIMMY:Ho,ho,ho,MerryalmostChristmasandwelcomebacktotheBackRoomatJimmy's!WhoisnowproudtointroduceBettyandJoanie...

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JUDY:(Whisperingfromoffstage)Judy!JIMMY:Judy!TheBanesisters!JUDY:(Whisperingfromoffstage)Haynes!JIMMY:TheHaymsisters!6."Sisters"(BETTYandJUDYenteronstagewithostrichfans.JIMMYgoesamongcustomerstowatch.)BETTY&JUDY:SISTERS,SISTERS,THEREWERENEVERSUCHDEVOTEDSISTERSJUDY:NEVERHADTOHAVEACHAPERONE,NO,SIR.BETTY:I'MTHERETOKEEPMYEYEONHERBOTH:CARING,SHARING,EVERYLITTLETHINGTHATWEAREWEARINGJUDY:WHENACERTAINGENTLEMANARRIVEDFROMROMEBETTY:SHEWORETHEDRESS,ANDISTAYEDHOMEBOTH:ALLKINDSOFWEATHER,WESTICKTOGETHERTHESAMEINTHERAINORSUNTWODIFFERENTFACES,BUTINTIGHTPLACESWETHINKANDWEACTASONE!Uh-huh.JUDY:THOSEWHO'VESEENUSKNOWTHATNOTATHINGCOULDCOMEBETWEENUSBETTY:MANYMENHAVETRIEDTOSPLITUSUP,BUTNOONECANBOTH:LORDHELPTHEMISTERWHOCOMESBETWEENMEANDMYSISTERANDLORDHELPTHESISTERWHOCOMESBETWEENMEANDMYMANSISTERS!EVERLOVIN'SISTERS!SISTER,DON'TCOMEBETWEENME-ANDMYMAN(Musicends.BETTYandJUDYexit.)6A."SistersPlayout”6B.“KeepMeWarm(CocktailPiano)"JIMMY:Hey,hey!Let'shearitfortheHaynessisters!Ithinkthesekidsaregoingtogosomeplace.PHIL:(AtBOBandPHIL'stable)Wow,thesegirlsareterrific!Wecouldthrowthatnumberrightintoournewshow.BOB:I'lltellyouthis:theysuredon'ttakeafterfreckle-facedHaynes,thedog-facedboy.PHIL:Especiallytheone.Yikes!BOB:Yeah,theonewiththeshorterhairisaknockout.PHIL:Iwastalkingabouttheonewiththeponytail.Butpartner,thisiswhyyouandmearepartners.BOB:Aw,agreat-lookinggirllikethatprobablyhasawholestringofguys.She'sprobablymarried.PHIL:So,findoutinsomecharming,roundaboutway.Talktoher,Bob.BOB:Whatdoyoumean,talktoher...?PHIL:They'llbehereinasecond.Iinvitedthemforadrink.BOB:Youwhat?!

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PHIL:YouthinkI'msittingheresoIcanseemoreofyou?BOB:WhatamIsupposedtodo?PHIL:Iwon'tsaybeyourself,sowhydon'tyoutrytoberelaxed.Benatural.BOB:Benatural.PHIL:Acoupleofcasualquestions—andheretheycome.Natural,Bob.BOB:Natural.(BETTY&JUDYenterattheothersideofthesage,havingchangedtheirdresses.)BETTY:AmIlopsided?JUDY:You'regorgeous.Nowrelax.Talktothem,Betty.Benatural.BETTY:Natural...(ThegirlscomeuptoBOBandPHIL'stable.Throughoutthefollowing,someCOUPLESbegintogetupanddancecasually.)JUDY:Hello.BOB:Thatwasagreatnumber.PHIL:Afantasticnumber.BETTY:(Stiffandformal)Howdoyoudo?JUDY:I'mJudyHaynes-andthisismysister,Betty.PHIL:Wallace.Davis.Davis.Wallace.JUDY:Oh,weknowwhoyouare.PHIL:Sitdown,sitdown,havesomechampagne.Comeon,Bob,don'tbeshy.(Asidetothegirls)Theformaltype.(THEYallsitandPHILpicksupthechampagneglass.)Well,here'stolookin'atyou!JUDY:(Lightingherglassandtoasting)Cheers!BOB:Areyoumarried,MissHaynes?(BETTYchokesonherchampagneattheabruptnessofthequestion.)PHIL:Youknow,BobandIaredoinganewrevue.YoutwowouldfitrightinifyoucouldmakeaWednesdayrehearsalinMiami.BETTY:Actually,Ihappentobesingle,withoutanychildren,whichistosay,Idon'thaveanychildrentospeakof.BOB:Well,we'vegotatraintoFloridatonight...(BOBandBETTYrisetogether,attemptingtoleave.)BETTY:Itwasveryniceofyoutwotofindthetime…

BOB:Maybewe'dbettergetgoing…

JUDY&PHIL:Sitdown,sitdown...PHIL:So,rehearsalinMiami?JUDY:Toobadwe'vegotatrainofourowntonight.BETTY:We'rebookedfortheholidaysinPinetree,Vermont.PHIL:Vermont?Whereisthat?Andwhat'sthere-besidesgood-lookin'girls?JUDY:Alotofsnow.PHIL:(Takingoutaletter)Frankiewroteusaterrificletteraboutyou...BETTY:Sothat'showyoufoundoutaboutus...(TakingtheletterfromPHIL)Andisn'tthatfunny.FrankiehasexactlythesamehandwritingasJudy.EventhelittlefacesintheO's.JUDY:Justafamilyresemblance.BETTY:Yes.Theratsideofthefamily.PHIL:You'rekidding.YoumeanIgottakenandIdidn'tevenseeit?!

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JUDY:Mr.Davis,I'msosorry...6C."DanceBandUnderscore"PHIL:Sorry?Youwerebrilliant!Caretodance?BETTY:Wehaveatrain,Judy.JUDY:Oh,shush-Theformaltype.(PHILandJUDYgooutonthefloortojointheotherCOUPLES.)BETTY:Mr.Wallace,Iapologizeformysister.BOB:Judydidn'tdoanythingwrong.Shesawanangleandsheworkedit.BETTY:An"angle"?BOB:Sure.Sheplayedthepercentageandshegotwhatshewanted.BETTY:Percentagesandangles.Isn'tthatprettycynical?BOB:Comeon,MissHaynes.There'salittlebitoflarcenyinallofus.BETTY:MysisterandIdonot"playangles."BOB:Well,whatwasthatphonyletterifnotanangle?I'msorry,doyoumindifIjustenjoymydrink?BETTY:Pleasedo.Justmakesureyousipfromtherightangle.(It'sBOB'sturntochokeonhisdrink.Meanwhile,outonthedancefloor...)JUDY:Lookatthat.They'recrazyabouteachother.PHIL:MaybeBobandIshouldcomeuptoVermont,joinyoutwoonthattraintonight.JUDY:ButBobdoesn'twanttogotoVermont.PHIL:Wewon'ttellhimhe'sgoingthere.JUDY:Shouldbebeautifulupthere,allthatsnow.PHIL:Itcan'tbehalfasbeautifulasthis.7."TheBestThingsHappenWhileYou'reDancing"PHIL:THEBESTTHINGSHAPPENWHILEYOU'REDANCINGTHINGSTHATYOUWOULDNOTDOATHOMECOMENATUR'LLYONTHEFLOORFORDANCING,SOONBECOMESROMANCINGWHENYOUHOLDAGIRLINYOURARMSTHATYOU'VENEVERHELDBEFOREEVENGUYSWITHTWOLEFTFEETCOMEOUTALLRIGHTIFTHEGIRLISSWEETIFBYCHANCETHEIRCHEEKSSHOULDMEETWHILEDANCINGPROVINGTHATTHEBESTTHINGSHAPPENWHILEYOUDANCE(TheotherCOUPLESdanceoffasPHILandJUDYdanceintotheirdream.Thenightclubdisappearsaroundthem-we'reintoa1950sHollywoodMoviereality.QUINTETSINGERStakeoverthevocal.)QUINTET:THEBESTTHINGSHAPPENWHILEYOU'REDANCINGTHINGSTHATYOUWOULDNOTDOATHOMECOMENATUR'LLYONTHEFLOORFORDANCINGSOONBECOMESROMANCINGWHENYOUHOLDAGIRLINYOURARMSTHATYOU'VENEVERHELDBEFOREEVENGUYSWITHTWOLEFTFEET

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COMEOUTALLRIGHTIFTHEGIRLISSWEETIFBYCHANCETHEIRCHEEKSSHOULDMEETWHILEDANCINGPROVINGTHATTHEBESTTHINGSHAPPENWHILEYOUDANCEYOUDANCE!YOUDANCE!AH…..(Dancebreak.)(Attheendofthenumber,thenightclubreassemblesaroundPHILandJUDY.PHILandJUDYapproachthetable.BOBandBETTYsitinstonysilence.)JUDY:Well,thatwasfun.Sohowareyoutwodoing?BOB:Good.BETTY:Fine.BOB:Great.BETTY:Terrific.PHIL:We'dbettergethoofin',partner,ifwe'regonnacatchthattrain.JUDY:Yes,ustoo.PHIL:Tellyouwhat,Bob-I'llpickuptheticketsandmeetyouatGrandCentral.Don'tyouworryaboutathing.I'llmakeallthearrangements.BOB:You'resuddenlyprettyeager.PHIL:Heywe'vegotworktodo.Rememberwork?JUDY:Well,itwasapleasure,Mr.Davis,andIhopewemeetagainvery,verysoon.BOB:MissHaynes.BETTY:Mr.Wallace,I'dwishyouaMerryChristmas,butyouprobablydon'tbelieveinChristmas.(BOBemitsahumorlesslaugh.HEandBETTYexit.)JUDY:Youstillwanttogothroughwiththis?PHIL:Areyoukidding?We'vegottogetthosetwotogether!JUDY:Won'tBobbeangrygoingtoVermontwhenhethinkshe'sheadedtoMiami?PHIL:I'lltakecareofBob.Track22?JUDY:Track22.7A."IntotheTrain"(PHILandJUDYexitwithathumbs-uptoeachother.Thesetchangesto...)SCENE5:ATrainCar(BOBandPHILsitnexttoeachotherinasmallseat.ASNORINGMANslumpsbesideBOB,snoringloudly.SNORINGMAN'SWIFEknitsseverely.PASSENGERONE,inaheavycoat,withskisonshoulder,crossesby.)PASSENGERONE:“Jinglebells,jinglebells,jinglealltheway…”BOB:SkisinFlorida?Dreamon,pal...(SNORINGMANletsoutaloudsnore.)Well,Idon'tgetit.TessiesaidshebookedusadrawingroomtoMiami.Aprivatebarandtwosoftbedsandabathroomcloserthantencarsaway.(SNORINGMANletsoutanotherraspingsnore.)PHIL:Must'vebeensomekindofsnafuwiththetickets.CONDUCTOR:(Passingthroughthecompartment)Providence!Providence!(HEexits.Anotherloudsnore.)BOB:Thisisliketravelinginaration-canwithRipVanWinkle.

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(PASSENGERTWO&THREE–amomanddaughtercrossthroughthecompartmentallbundledupandcarryingalargesled.TheysingaChristmascarol,verymerrily.)PASSENGERTWO&THREE:“Deckthehallswithboughsofholly.Falalalala,lalalala…”BOB:Aren'tthesepeoplewearingprettyheavycoatsforFlorida?PHIL:Thesetrainsarealwayscold.Aren'tyoufreezing?I'mgonnacomplaintothecompany.CONDUCTOR:(Stickinghisheadin)Providence!BOB:Well,you'regonnaboilinMiam-Didthatguysay"Providence"?PHIL:What?Provid...?Oh,yeah.Providence,Virginia.It'sanoldRevolutionarytown.IthinkJeffersoncamefromthere.(Anattractivewomancrossesbyhumming,withapileofgifts.)PASSENGERFOUR:Dreidel,dreidel,dreidel,Imadeitoutofclay..."PHIL:(Helpingherputthegiftsdownandpickinguphersong)"...andwhenit'sdryandready,mydreidelIshallplay."Mazeltov!BOB:Sitdown.(PullsPHILaway.PASSENGERFOURtakesaseatinthecar.)IkeepthinkingaboutthosetwopoorgirlsontheirwaytoVermont.BOTH:Oh,man.BOB:AninninVermont.PHIL:Couldbebeautifulupthere.Allthatsnow…BOB:Yeah.Probablyanoldgristmillwithsomechintzcurtains.PHIL:I'mveryfondofchintz,myself...BOB:Ibetthere'sanoldbarnoutbackwheretheyputontheirpatheticlittleshows.PHIL:Bob,youareapsychic.(JUDYandBETTYenter.)JUDY:Hey,youguys!Funnythingrunningintoyouhere!BOB:Oh,no.No,no,no...BETTY:Mr.Wallace,I'msosorry.Ireallydidn'tknowuntiljustthisminute.BOB:Soyoudon'tplayangles,huh?(SNORINGMANletsoutahugesnore.ToSNORINGMAN)SHUTUP!MRS.SNORINGMAN:WellInever...!BETTY:Thisisnotanangle,atleastit'snotmyangle.It'smysister'sangleandI'mveryashamed.BOB:Yououghttobeashamed-followingusallthewaytoFlorida.CONDUCTOR:(Crossingthroughthecompartmentagain)Providence,RhodeIsland!ArrivingProvidence!BOB:"ArrivingProvidence,RhodeIsland"?(Looksoutthewindowandseesthestationthey'reat.)IshouldhaveknownIwasbeingshanghaiedbackin"NewHaven,Delaware."PHIL:Youmightaswellsettlein,buddy.(SNORINGMANletsoutaloudsnore,anddropshisheadonBOB'sshoulder.BOBisnotpleased.)Comeon,justthinkofit.Vermont!8."Snow"PHIL:Thepinetrees,theclean,coldair.Brrr!Justwhatweneedtowakeusup.JUDY:Sure.Thesnow-coveredslopes...skiingandschussing...PHIL:Steaminghotcocoa...MRS.SNORINGMAN:It'strue,Mr.Wallace.It'sverybeautifulupthere.PHIL:Beautiful?!It'llbeawinterwonderland!SNOW!JUDY:SNOW!

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MRS.SNORINGMAN:SNOW!ALLTHREE:SNOW!(ThenumberbecomesanopportunityforeveryonetoconvinceBOBandBETTYtogetinthemood.)SNORINGMAN:(Wakingupimmediately)SNOW!ITWON'TBELONGBEFOREWE'LLALLBETHEREWITHSNOW!MRS.SNORINGMAN:SNOW!OH!IWANTTOWASHMYHANDS,MYFACE,ANDHAIRWITHSNOWPHIL:SNOW!ILONGTOCLEARAPATHANDLIFTASPADEOFSNOWJUDY:SNOW!OH!TOSEEAGREATBIGMANENTIRELYMADEOFSNOW!ALLFOUR:SNOW!WHEREIT'SSNOWINGALLWINTERTHROUGH,THAT'SWHEREIWANTTOBEMRS.SNORINGMAN:SNOWBALLTHROWING,THAT'SWHATI'LLDOSNORINGMAN:HOWI'MLONGINGTOSKITHROUGHTHEALLFOUR:SNOW!THOSEGLISTENINGHOUSESTHATSEEMTOBEBUILTOFSNOW!PHIL:SNOW!OH,TOSEEAMOUNTAINCOVEREDWITHAQUILTOFSNOW!MRS.SNORINGMAN&JUDY:WHATISCHRISTMASWITHNOSNOW?PHIL:NOWHITECHRISTMASWITHNO,SNORINGMAN:NO,JUDY:SNOW!MRS.SNORINGMAN:SNOW!ALLFOUR&ENSEMBLE:SNOW!(MoreandmorePASSENGERSenter,joiningintothesongonebyone,graduallybuildingintofullchorus.)PASSENGERS:SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!ITWON'TBELONGBEFOREWE'LLALLBETHEREWITHSNOW!SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!IWANTTOWASHMYHANDS,MYFACE,ANDHAIRWITHSNOW!SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!(GRUMPYLADYenters,agrouchywoman.)ILONGTOCLEARAPATHANDLIFTASPADEOFSNOW!GRUMPYLADY:Bah!PASSENGERS:SNO-OW!BOB&GRUMPYLADY:Humbug!PASSENGERS:SNO-OW!(Theotherpassengersdrawthegrouchywomanin,andsoonshe'ssingingtoo.)WOMEN:TOSEEAGREATBIGMANENTIRELYMADEOFSNOW!MEN:JING,JING,JING!JING,JING,JING,JING!PASSENGERS:JING,JING,JING!JING,JING,JING!MEN:WHEREIT'SSNOWINGALLWINTERTHROUGHWOMEN:THAT'SWHEREIWANTTOBEPASSENGERS:SNOWBALLTHROWING,THAT'SWHATI'LLDOHOWI'MLONGINGTOSKITHROUGHTHESNO-O-O-O-OW!THOSEGLISTENINGHOUSESTHATSEEMTOBEBUILTOFSNOW!SNOW!O-OH!

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SNORINGMAN:OH,TOSEEAMOUNTAINCOVEREDWITHAQUILTOFSNOW!ENSEMBLE:JING,JING,JING!JING,JING,JING,JING!BOB:(Spokengrumpily)Jing,jing,jing,jingyourself!JUDY:WHATISCHRISTMASWITHNO-SNOW?ENSEMBLE:JING,JING,JING!JING,JING,JING,JING!JING,JING,JING!JING,JING,JING,JING!PHIL:NOWHITECHRISTMASWITHNOSNOW?JUDY:I'LLSOONBETHEREWITHSNOW!ENSEMBLE:IT'SGONNASNOW!PHIL:I'LLWASHMYHAIRWITHSNOW!ENSEMBLE:IT'SGONNASNOW!MRS.SNORINGMAN:ANDWITHASPADEOFSNOW…ENSEMBLE:IT’SGONNASNOW!SNORINGMAN:I'LLBUILDAMANTHAT'SMADEOUTOFSNOWENSEMBLE:IT'SGONNASNOW!BOB:I'DLIKETOSTAYUPWITHYOU,BUTI'DRECOMMENDALITTLENAP.GOBACKTOSLEEPPASSENGERS:GOTOSLEEPANDDREAMPHIL,JUDY,MR.&MRS.SNORINGMAN:OFSNOW!ENSEMBLE:JING,JING,JING!PHIL,JUDY,MR.&MRS.SNORINGMAN:SNOW!ENSEMBLE:JING,JING,JING!PHIL,JUDY,MR.&MRS.SNORINGMAN:SNOW!ENSEMBLE:JING,JING,JING!JING,JING,JING,JING!ALLSIX(ADDBOB&BETTY):SNOW!PASSENGERS:JING,JING,JING!JING,JING,JING,JING!ALL:SNOW!CONDUCTOR:Pinetree,Vermont!Temperature,79degrees!ALL:What?!?!(Musicends.Thescenechangesto...)SCENE6:TheFrontDeskattheColumbiaInninVermont(HousekeeperMARTHAisfendingoffthetrainPASSENGERS,whowereintendingtobeguestsoftheInn.Ourfoursomeisnowheretobeseen,fornow.)MARTHA:Allright,allright,sowedon'thaveanysnow.I'mnotasnowmachine.AndI'mnotaweatherman,either!I'msorry!

PASSENGERS:Yourbrochuresaidyou'dhavesnow!WecameallthewayfromTennessee!DoyouknowwhatIpaidfortheseskis?Iwantmymoneyback!It'slikeabeachoutthere!

MARTHA:Oh,calmdown,folks,calmdown.It'snotadisaster,it'sjustaheatwave.SNORINGMAN:InDecember?MARTHA:ThisisVermont.We'reindividualsuphere.

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MRS.SNORINGMAN:Youpromisedmethere'dbesnow.MARTHA:Well,SantapromisedmeabunnyrabbitandInevergotthat,either.SNORINGMAN:IfIwantedasuntan,I'd'agonetoSanJuan!MRS.SNORINGMAN:C'mon,Herbert!We'regoingtoSaskatchewan!(PASSENGERSexit,grumblingloudly.)MARTHA:(AsthePASSENGERSfileout)They'repredictingablizzard,youknow!-OhIhopeyouallgetstuckinit.Conformists!(Nine-year-oldSUSANWAVERLYenters.)SUSAN:Martha!Martha,themailcamein.MARTHA:Themale...Oh,themail.Givemethat.We'vegottohidethesebillsfromyourgrandfather.SUSAN:WhydowehavetohidethebillsfromGrandpa?MARTHA:Neveryoumind.(SHEglancesthroughthebillsonebyone.Theygetprogressivelyworse.)Oh,dear...Oh,dear...Oh,no...(SHEstuffsthebillsinaboxshepullsfromunderthecounter.SHEthennoticesanofficiallookingenvelope.)"WashingtonDC?"Susie-excuseme,Susan-don'tyouhavesomehomeworkyoushouldbedoing?(SUSANexitsasBOB,PHIL,BETTY,andJUDYenter,allarguingadlib.)PHIL:Okay,soIwaswrongaboutthesnow.MARTHA:MayIhelpyou?No-you-can't-have-your-deposit-back,yes-we-have-space,youcanhaveanyroomintheInnincludingmine.Signrighthere.BETTY:Actually,we'renotguests.JUDY:We'reyourentertainment.MARTHA:Well,youraudiencejustleft.You'dbetterchase'em,they'removingfast.BOB:"Hotcocoaandschussing."Icouldschusssomebodyrightnow."Clean,coldair.Brrr!Justwhatweneed!"MARTHA:Waitaminute,Iknowthatvoice.You'reBobWallace.PHIL:(AsBOBremainsstony-faced)Lookatthat.Awww.Youseehowyoutouchedhim?MARTHA:AndPhilDavis!WallaceandDavis.DavisandWallace.WhattheheckareyoutwodoinginPinetree?PHIL:BringingyouthefabulousHaynessisters.Justwaittillyouhear'emwarble.MARTHA:I'msorry,wewon'tbeabletouseyougirls.We'llpayyouhalf-salaryforcancelling-ifyoudon'tmindtakingmostofitinpostagestamps.BOB:(Checkingatrainschedule)Well,Icanstillcatchthesouthboundexpress.Itwasarealpleasure,MissHaynes.BETTY:Delighted,Mr.Scrooge.(GENERALWAVERLYenters.)WAVERLY:Martha,wherethedevilisthemail?BOB:Ten-shun!BOB&PHIL:(Saluting)GeneralWaverly,sir!WAVERLY:Atease,men.BOB&PHIL:(Stillstifflysaluting)Yes,sir!WAVERLY:Isaidatease!PHIL:Yes,sir.WAVERLY:Howareyou,Captain?BOB:I'mfine,GeneralWaverly,butwhatareyoudoinguphere?

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WAVERLY:Ihappentoownthisestablishment.What'syourexcuse?PHIL:Well,wewerejusttellingyourwife...MARTHA:Aaagh!No!No!Anythingbutthat.His"wife"?Youjustputtenyearsonme.WAVERLY:ThisisMarthaWatson,myconcierge.MARTHA:"Concierge."Atleasthedoesn'tcallme"sergeant"anymore.Youknowheoncepostedasign,"Breakfastaftercalisthenics,0600hours"?Inanswertothequestion,YourMajesty,theybroughtthesegalstosingfortheholidays.PHIL:They'rethesistersofFrankieHaynes,sir.WAVERLY:Freckle-facedHaynes,thedog-facedboy?BETTY:(Notsurehowtorespond.)Frankiewillbesopleasedyourememberedhim.JUDY:It'sarealhonortomeetyou,General.SUSAN:(Entering)Mygrandfatherisahero.WAVERLY:IthinkIhearmygranddaughter.SusieisvisitingfortheholidaysfromCalifornia.SUSAN:It'sSusan,actually.WAVERLY:Yes-thesmartoneinthefamily.BOB:(Notingtheenormousbookshe'scarrying)Thestrongestone,too.Whatisthat,aGutenbergBible?SUSAN:I'mwritingareportabouttheAmericanRevolutionandNewEnglandiswhereAmericabegan.ButIreallycameforthesnow.MARTHA:Outofthemouthsofyou-know-who.SUSAN:Don'tmakeanypersonalcalls.Marthalistensattheswitchboard.MARTHA:Idonot.Ichecktheconnection.Anyway,Ialreadytoldthegirlswe'dhavetocancel.WAVERLY:Cancel?Why?We'vegotastageoutinthatbarn,don'twe?(BOBreacts.)Somethingwrong,Captain?BOB:No,sir.Just"barn,"sir.MARTHA:We'vegotastageallright,butwhoaretheygoingtosingto?WAVERLY:Wedraftedthesegirlsfortheholidaysandwe'llpaythemfortheholidays.BETTY:That'sverygenerous,butwedon'twantto...WAVERLY:MissHaynes,we'regoingtohavetwofeetofsnowtonightandbefulluptomorrow.JUDY:Isthattheforecast?WAVERLY:No,it'spigheadedness.Ifthere'sonethingthearmytaughtme,it'stobepositive-especiallywhenIdon'tknowwhatI'mtalkingabout.NowMartha,hasthemailcome?I'mexpectingaletterfromWashington.MARTHA:Washington?No,no,Ihaven'tseenanyletterfromWashington...SUSAN:(Producingtheletter)Youmeanthisletter,Grandpa?WAVERLY:That'stheone.Asyouboysmayhavenoticed,thisinnisn'tapayingpropositionyet.-MARTHA:Ha!WAVERLY:Thisletterismyticket.I'mgoingbackintothearmy.PHIL:Missthefood?(Helaughsbutnooneelsedoes.)MARTHA:Yes,hemissesthefood.Comeon,girls,letmeshowyoutoyourrooms.PHIL:(KissingJUDY'shandPepe-LePew-style)Aurevoir,myleetlemountainflower.JUDY:ThisiswhatIcallChristmas!(MARTHAexitswithBETTYandJUDY.)WAVERLY:Anyway,IwrotetomyoldpalCarltonandappliedforactiveduty.Maybeatrainingcommand,orapostingoverseas.SUSAN:CouldIreadtheletterforyou,Grandpa?

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WAVERLY:(Givinghertheletter)Niceandclear,Susie.SUSAN:(Reading)"DearHanke,whyyoudirtyold…B-A-S-T..."WAVERLY:Here,I'llreadthat,honey.I'llreadthat.(Takestheletterandreads)"DearHank,"--etcetera."Igotyourveryamusingletter.Youmustbeturningintoarealpracticaljoker,askingforapostatyourripeage..."Mm-hm...mm-hm...Therestisabouthisfamily.SUSAN:Doesn'tthearmywantyouback,Grandpa?WAVERLY:Notrightnow,theydon't.SUSAN:Butyou'reahero,Grandpa.Youshouldwritetothepresidentandaskhim.WAVERLY:Susie,that'saverygoodidea-andyoucanhelpmewritethatletter.(ToBOBandPHIL)Goodtoseeyou,boys.(ToSUSAN)Aboutface!9."WhatCanYouDoWithAGeneral?"WAVERLY:Forwardmarch!Totheleft,totheleft,totheleft-right-left.(HEmarchesSUSANout.MARTHAenters.)MARTHA:Pooroldguy.BOB:It'sthatbad,huh?MARTHA:Hesankeverythingintothisplace.Pension.Life'ssavings.(Producingtheboxofbillsfrombehindherdesk)Justlookatthesebills.Ihaven'thadthehearttoshowthemtohim.Thebanksenthimaformletterthat'dcurlyourhair.Payuporyou'reout.BOB:Hedoesn'tknowaboutthat?MARTHA:Wouldyoutellhim?WHENTHEWARWASOVER,THEREWEREJOBSGALOREFORTHEG.I.JOSEPHSWHOWEREINTHEWARBUTFORGENERALSTHINGSWERENOTSOGRANDANDIT'SNOTSOHARDTOUNDERSTANDBOB:WHATCANYOUDOWITHAGENERALWHOSTOPSBEINGAGENERAL?OH,WHATCANYOUDOWITHAGENERALWHORETIRES?PHIL:WHO'SGOTAJOBFORAGENERALWHENHESTOPSBEINGAGENERAL?BOB&PHIL:THEYALLGETAJOBBUTAGENERALNOONEHIRES.MARTHA:HEWALKSINTOANOFFICE,INANSWERTOANADHE'LLTAKETHEJOBTHAT'SOFFERED,THEPAYISNOTTOOBADTHEYASKHISLASTPOSITION,HEANSWERSWITHAPUNCH"IWASAGENERAL,"ANDTHEYASKHIMOUTTOLUNCHBOB:ANDHEHASTOMEETTHEMOBMARTHA:BUTHEDOESN'TGETTHEJOBPHIL:NOBODYTHINKSOFASSIGNINGHIMWHENTHEY'VESTOPPEDWININGANDDININGHIMBOB:ITSEEMSTHISCOUNTRYNEVERHASENJOYED…SOMANYONE...PHIL:ANDTWO...MARTHA:ANDTHREE...ALLTHREE:ANDFOURSTARGENERALSUNEMPLOYEDBOB:Listen,Phil.Theoldmanneedssomecustomers?Wecouldworkupafew.(BETTYandJUDYenter,unobserved,andstoptolistenin.)

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PHIL:Youmeanbribesomeofthelocals?BOB:No,Imeanwhydon'twebringthechorusup,andtryoutthenewshowrighthere?PHIL:Youknowifyouhadbetterlegsandsomepersonality,I'dmarryyou.MARTHA:Gosh,aWallaceandDavisrevuewouldpacktheplace.PHIL:We'dhavetotalktothegirls.We'resteppingontheirgig.BETTY:(Comingforward)Weheardthewholethingandit'saterrificidea!JUDY:Ithinkso,too!BOB:Great.Wecanheadlineyoutwoatthetopofthesecondact.Haveyougotyourchartsfortheband?BETTY&JUDY:Comingrightup.(THEYexit.)MARTHA:Mr.Wallace,there'sthiswomanupherewhousedtobeinshowbusiness.Shesingsanddances...BOB:Great,shecanworkbackstageasadresser.Meantime,getmelongdistance.IhavetocallNewYork.MARTHA:Ayeaye,Captain!PHIL:That'sNavy.MARTHA:Socourt-martialme.(SHEexits.)PHIL:NewYork?Whatfor?BOB:Sheldrake.He'sthecontactforthe151st.Ralph'sofficesendsoutalettertoalltheguys,wegetsomeofthedivisionuphereforChristmasandbuckuptheOldMan.PHIL:Wow.YouknowwhatIcallthat?BOB&PHIL:Amillion-dollarproposition!WE'LLTAKETHEJOBOFASSIGNINGHIMLET'SSTARTWININGANDDININGHIMBECAUSETHISCOUNTRYNEVERHASENJOYEDSOMANYONE-AND-TWO-AND-THREEANDFOUR-STARGENERALSUNEMPLOYEDBUTWE'VEGOTAJOBFORAGENERALWHO'SRETIRED!9A."General(SceneChange)"(THEYexit,andthescenechangesto...)SCENE7:TheBarnRehearsalHallMARTHA:(SHEenterswithsomeoldprops,wearingaFollies-stylehat.SHEhumstoherself)"There'snobusinesslikeshowbusiness,likenobusinessI..."SUSAN:(Appears,poppingout.)Whatareyoudoing?MARTHA:Honey,youscaredthelifeoutofme.SUSAN:Wheredidyougetthatsillyhat?MARTHA:Nevermind.Comeongivemeahandsettingupthebarnforrehearsal.SUSAN:ButthebarniswhereIworkonmyhistoryreport.MARTHA:TheAmericanRevolutionwillstillbetheretomorrow.Nowcomeon!We'vegotshowfolkscominganyminutes.SUSAN:Grandpasaysshowbusinessisfrivolous.MARTHA:Frivolous?DoyouknowwhatPatrickHenrysaid?SUSAN:"Givemelibertyorgivemedeath."MARTHA:Doyouknowwherehesaidit?SUSAN:Where?

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MARTHA:OnthestageoftheWinterGardenTheater.Classdismissed!(Callingout)Ezekiel!EzekielFoster!(EZEKIELenters.Ataciturn,veryslow-movingfellow.)EZEKIEL:Ay-yup.MARTHA:Turnthosestagelightson!EZEKIEL:Ay-ypu.(EZEKIELexits,prettymuchinslowmotion.)SUSAN:Whoishe?MARTHA:Hecamewiththebarn.9B."BarnCurtain"(Thestagelightscomeup,revealingthebarn,withapiano.BOBandPHILenter.)BOB:Well,it'sabarn,allright.SUSAN:Mr.Wallace,thebarnismyclassroom.PHIL:Waitamoment;doIsmellapianointhisclassroom?Yes,Ido.OdeurdeSteinway,numberfive.SUSAN:Mr.Davis,youdidn'treallysmellthepiano.PHIL:Icandetectaspinetatfiftyfeet.BOB:Don'tconfusethechild.(PHILsitsdownatthepianoandstartstoplayalittle.)9C."Always-PianoSolo"MARTHA:Youknow,Mr.Wallace,thiswomanhereintown,shenotonlysingsanddances...BOB:Tellhertosendusapicture.We'llcertainlyconsiderher.(JUDYandBETTYenter.)JUDY:Ican'tbelievewe'reperforminginanactualbarn.PHIL:(Gettingupfromthepiano)YoulookbetterinabarnthatmostgirlslookinaChanelgown.JUDY:Maybeit'sallthisclean,coldair.PHIL:Maybeitisn'tonlytheclean,coldair.JUDY:Youmean...?PHIL:(Drawingcloser)Oh,Idomean.Yes,Idomean.Yes,yes,yes...(HEpullsJUDYaside,leavingBOBandBETTYstrandeduneasilywitheachother.)BOB:(ToBETTY)Hello.BETTY:Hello.BOB:Theysureseemtobegettingalong.BETTY:Unlikeus,youmean?BOB:No,Ionlymean...Well,yes,unlikeus.ButIthoughtyouandImight-BETTY:Mr.Wallace,there'snoneedtobepolite.PhilandJudyare...BOB:PhilandJudy.BETTY:They'rePhilandJudy.AndyouandIare...BOB:BobandBetty.BETTY:We'reBobandBetty.Exactly.Sometimesthetwainwasn'tmeanttomeet.BOB:Sometimesthetwaindoesn'tgetoutofthestation.(CHORUSKIDSpourin.)

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CHORUSKIDS:(Alladlibbing)Hey,youguys!-Well,lookwho'shere!-Hiya,Bob!-Canyoubelievethisweather?-Heywhere'sthesnow?-Youlookhappy...(MIKE,theratherover-dramaticcompanystagemanager,enters.)MIKE:Allright,people,calmdown!People,people,calmdown,calmdown!I'vegotrehearsalschedulesforthechorus,I'vegotthreesetsofscenebreakdowns,they'relabeledA,B,andC,let'spassthemout...BOB:Mike,Mike-relax.Relax,it'sjustashow.MIK:Justashow.Mr.Wallace,doyourealizeyouareattemptingtostageaBroadwayextravaganzainfivedays?Andthatthestagemanager'sofficeisapigsty?AndImeanarealstywithanactualpig?BOB:We'llworkhimintothefinale.RightnowIwantyoualltomeetBettyandJudyHaynes.ThisisMikeNulty,thestagemanager.BETTY:Hi.MIKE:Hello.JUDY:Hello.BOB:Scooter'sonkeys.SCOOTER:Hey.BOB:That'sJim...JIM:Hello.BOB:AndGloria...GLORIA:Hi.BOB:AndMarty...MARTY:Hey.JUDY:Hello.(IntroducingthemselvestoBETTYandJUDYpleasantly)DEBBIE:Debbie.MARK:Mark.CONNIE:ConnieLORETTA:Loretta.VICTOR:Victor.SADIE:Sadie.GALE:Gale.BOB:Holdyourhorses,holdyourhorses!You'llhavealotoftimetomeetthemallupclose.(RITAandRHODAenter.)RHODA:Hiya,Philly!RITA:Oh,Philly-dilly-oh!PHIL:Hey,hey,it'stheBobseytwins!RITA:It'sagoodthingIforgotmywoolens.Givenhowsultryitisuphere.RHODA:Asifitain'thotenoughwithPhilly-dillyaround.RITA:Iwashotallthewayupjustthinkin'aboutyou,Phil.RHODA:Butitain'ttheheat...RITA&RHODA:It'sthehumidity!JUDY:Hi.RHODA:Pardonmyinnuendo,butwho'sshe?PHIL:I'msorry.JudyHaynes-Rita.Rhoda.JUDY:Rotorooter.Hello.

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RITA:Charmed,I'msure.RHODA:AsamI.JUDY:Well,thatmakestwoofus.RITA&RHODA:Oooh!BOB:Okay,kids.We'redoingthisshowChristmasEve,andit'sjustaroundthecornersowe'vegottohustle.Scooter,givemeachord.9D."VocalWarm-Up"(SCOOTERplaysachordandthekidsallstartvocalwarm-upswhilestretching.)CHORUS:MEE,MAY,MY,MOE,MOOFEE,FAY,FY,FOE,FOO,BEE,BAY,BY,BOW,BOOHA,HA,HA,HA,HA!(WAVERLYentersthebarn,unnoticed,andisamazedbythisweirdscene.)MEE,MAY,MY,MOE,MOO,FEE,FAY,FY,FOE,FOOBEE,BAY,BY,BOW,BOOHA,HA,HA,HA,HA!WAVERLY:A-tenhut!(ALLgoquiet.)Whatthedevilisallthisracketinhere?PHIL:TheBroadwayBattalion,reportingforChristmasduty,sir.WAVERLY:CaptainWallace,whatareallthesetroops?BOB:Wecallitacast,sir.TheHaynessistersgaveusaspotintheiract,wewe'veinvitedupafewvolunteers.WAVERLY:Afewvolunteers?ThisishalfthepopulationofVermont!PHIL:Showfolks,youknow.WAVERLY:No,Idon'tknow.Idon'tknowanythingaboutshowbusiness.MARTHA:Well,thelasttimeyousawashow,itwaslitwithcandles.(CHORUSKIDSlaugh,butWAVERLYstopsthemwithalook.)WAVERLY:CaptainWallace,ifyouboysareworriedaboutacertaininnkeeper,wedon'tneedanycharityhere.BOB:Thisisn'tcharity,sir.Thisisstandardoperatingprocedure.WAVERLY:Well,asIsay,Idon'tunderstandshowbusiness.PHIL:Weallhaveourgifts,sir.I'd'aneverbeenanygoodasageneral.WAVERLY:Youweren'tanygoodasaprivate!PHIL:Yes,sir.Thankyou,sir.WAVERLY:Well,Iexpectyoualltofollowregulations.9E."Waverly'sRegulations"WAVERLY:Policethebarnandperimeter.Rulesforthefiresquadareposted.LaundrydetailcanreporttoMissWatson.Lightsoutat2200hours.Yourcommand,Captain.Proceed.(WAVERLYexits.)RHODA:Wow.Nowonderwe'rewinningthewarwithGermany.RITA:Rhoda-wewonthewarwithGermany.

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RHODA:Oh,good.MARTHA:Mr.Wallace,thislocalwomanwhowasinshowbusiness?ShewasinWalterWinchell'scolumn15times.BOB:Youkeepheroncall,Martha.MARTHA:Sardi'sputherpictureupintheladies'room.BOB:Maybewecanuseherforthelastshow.MARTHA:EthelMermanoncesaidtoher,inthewings,shesaid,"Honey,youareloud."Youknowhowloudthiswomanwas?BOB:Howloud?MARTHA:I'mgladyouaskedmethat,senator.10."LetMeSingandI'mHappy"(MARTHAburstsintosong.)MARTHA:WHATCAREIWHOMAKESTHELAWSOFANATIONLETTHOSEWHOWILLTAKECAREOFITSRIGHTSANDWRONGSWHATCAREIWHOCAREFORTHEWORLD'SAFFAIRSASLONGASICANSINGITSPOPULARSONGS?PHIL:Iknowthatvoice.BOB:Martha"TheMegaphone"Watson!MARTHA:SixflopsinarowontheGreatWhiteWay.BOB:Yeah,butyoustoppedtheshowin"Whoopdedoo."MARTHA:Nowstandback,Pinetree-Watson'sbackintown!(SHEsings.SCOOTER,atthepiano,accompaniesher.ALLgatheraroundtowatchherperformance.)LETMESINGAFUNNYSONG,WITHCRAZYWORDSTHATROLL-A-LONGANDIFMYSONGCANSTARTYOULAUGHING,I'MHAPPY,HAPPYLETMESINGASADREFRAINOFBROKENHEARTSTHATLOVEDINVAINANDIFMYSONGCANSTARTYOUCRYING,I'MHAPPYLETMECROONALOW-DOWNBLUESTOLIFTYOUOUTOFYOURSEATIFMYSONGCANREACHYOURSHOESANDSTARTYOUTAPPINGYOURFEETI'MHAPPYLETMESINGOFDIXIE'SCHARMS,THESWANEESHOREANDMOTHER'SARMSANDIFMYSONGCANMAKEYOUHOME-SICK,I'MHAPPYJustgivemeafollowspot,that'sallIask.I'mlikeasunflower.PutalightonmeandIturn.(Aspotlighthitsherandsheturnsherface)Hey,Zeke,hitmeapurplewash.(Purplelightscomeup)Ooh,I'myoungagain!Nowdropinashowcurtainthat'sgaudyasallget-out.(Ashowcurtaindropsintoplacebehindher.)Voila!NowgivemeatophatIcanwaggleandamagicwandofacane-(ASSISTANTSEAMSTRESShandsherahatandcane.SHEsings)ANDI'MHAPPYLETMECROONALOW-DOWNBLUES,TOLIFTYOUOUTOFYOURSEATIFMYSONGCANREACHYOURSHOES,ANDSTARTYOUTAPPINGYOURFEETI'MHAPPYLETMESINGOFDIXIE'SCHARMS,THESWANEESHOREANDMOTHER'SARMSANDIFMYSONGCANMAKEYOUHOME-SICK,

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CANYOUSTARTLAUGHING,CANYOUSTARTCRYING,I'MHAAAA-PY(ALLgiveherahugehand,whoopingandcheering.)SUSAN:(Stillapplaudingaftereveryoneelsestops.)Bravo!Encore!Encore!Martha,wheredidyoulearntodoallthat?MARTHA:Youdon'tlearnthat,sweetie.You'rebornwithit.SUSAN:CanIbebornwithit...?BOB:Somebodygetthatwomanacostume.MARTHA:Costume?Iwantatwo-yearcontract!(Callingoffstage)Zeke!Closemeup!(Thestagecurtaincloses,purplelightsandspotgoaway.)RITA:Catchyoulater,Philly.RHODA:I'llbetheonewearin'nexttonothin'.(RITAandRHODAexit.)JUDY:(Witheringly)"Philly-dilly-oh."PHIL:Judy,listen.Thosegirlsaremycousins.Wewereinkindergartentogether!(PHILandJUDYexit)MARTHA:(ToasmallgroupofCHORUSkids,includingMARTY)Youkidsareallstayingoutintheskilodge.MARTY:Whichwayistheskilodge?MARTHA:I'mgladyouaskedmethat,senator.10A."Martha'sExit/IntoPorch"MARTHA:(Singingassheleadsthemoff)LETMESHOWYOUWHERETHATIS,ANDI'MHAPPY!(ALLexit.Thescenechangesto...)SCENE8:FrontPorchoftheInn(SUSANisontheporchswinginginpajamasandslippers.)SUSAN:DearGod,please,pleaseblessGrandpathisChristmas.AndblessMommyandDaddyandthestateofCalifornia,especiallyPasadena.ButremembertoblessGrandpamostofall.I'llevengiveupsnow-thoughfranklyI'drathernot.Amen.BOB:(Enters.)Saythere,MissSusan,whatareyoudoingwanderingaroundinthemiddleofthenight?It'sbedtime.SUSAN:It'sallright,Mr.Wallace,I'monPacifictime.I'mthreehoursbehind.BOB:Yourgrandfatherwillputyouonmilitarytimeifyoudon'tgetsomeshut-eye.C'mon.SUSAN:Ihaven'tbeensleepingsowellinVermont,anyway.BOB:Whyisthat?Areyouhomesick?(SUSANshakesherhead.)Haveyougotsomethingonyourmind?SUSAN:No,nothing.Justtheusualday-to-dayconcernsandstuff.BOB:Thoseday-to-dayconcernsarekillers,allright.(BETTYstepsintoviewontheoppositesideofthestageandstands,unseen,intheshadows,watchingandlisteningin.)SUSAN:Mr.Wallace,isGrandpareallygoingbackinthearmy?BOB:Idon'tknow.Hemightsometime.SUSAN:CouldIgointothearmywithhim?

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BOB:Youcouldvolunteer,butyoumightbeontheshortside.SUSAN:Mr.Wallace,isGrandpaveryunhappy.BOB:Yeah,Susan,Ithinkheis.SUSAN:IwishIcouldfindawaytohelphim.Oh,Ilovehimsomuch,Mr.Wallace.BOB:Youjusttellhim.Maybethat'sallthehelpheneeds.SUSAN:Iwanttotellhim.Ialmostdidtoday.ButI'm...I'mkindofscaredofhim.BOB:Don'tfeelbad.Heusedtoscare6,000grownmenatatime.Nowyougooninandgettosleep.11."CountYourBlessingsInsteadofSheep"SUSAN:ButhowcanI?AllIthinkaboutisGrandpa.BOB:It'sreallysimple.YoutrytheBobWallacemethod.WHENI'MWORRIED,ANDICAN'TSLEEPICOUNTMYBLESSINGSINSTEADOFSHEEPANDIFALLASLEEPCOUNTINGMYBLESSINGSWHENMYBANKROLLISGETTINGSMALL,ITHINKOFWHENIHADNONEATALLANDIFALLASLEEP,COUNTINGMYBLESSINGSITHINKABOUTANURS'RYANDIPICTURECURLYHEADSANDONEBYONEICOUNTTHEM,ASTHEYSLUMBERINTHEIRBEDSIFYOU'REWORRIEDANDYOUCAN'TSLEEPJUSTCOUNTYOURBLESSINGSINSTEADOFSHEEPANDYOU'LLFALLASLEEPCOUNTINGYOURBLESSINGS(SUSANhasfallenasleep.WAVERLYenters,andBOBputshisfingertohislips.WAVERLYpicksupSUSANinhisarms.)WAVERLY:'Night,Captain.BOB:Goodnight,sir.(WAVERLYcarriesSUSANinside.)BETTY:(Movesontotheporch)Anotherinsomniac.BOB:Yeah,seemstobeawholeclubofusouthere.BETTY:Thatwasverybeautiful,whatyoutoldher.BOB:It'sjustcommonsenseisall...BETTY:Youcan'ttakeacompliment,canyou?BOB:Nope,nevercould.BETTY:Bob,IthinkyourstayinghereandtryingtohelpouttheGeneral-Ithinkit'soneofthemostdecentandunselfishthingsI'veeverseen.BOB:Youtalkaboutdecent,trytheOldMan.IoncesawhimliftaguyoutofaburningJeepandrunfiftyyardswithhimunderfire.I'mjustapiker,comparedtothat.BETTY:Youdon'treallybelieveallthataboutanglesandpercentages,doyou."Alittlebitoflarceny."Youputupagoodshow,though.BOB:Oldhabits,Iguess.See,theneighborhoodIgrewupin,larcenywastheonlythinggoingaround.ThenIwentintothearmyandfoundoutdifferent.ImetpeopleliketheGeneral,guyswho'dputtheirlivesonthelineforyou,noquestionsasked.BETTY:Ifoundthatinshowbusiness.Thosekidsthatcameupheretoday...?BOB:Abunchofbighearts,allright.Well,Ishouldgetsomeshuteye.IfIcan.

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BETTY:It'sverysimple.JusttrythenewBettyHaynesmethod.IFI'MWORRIEDANDICAN'TSLEEPICOUNTMYBLESSINGS,INSTEADOFSHEEPANDI'LLFALLASLEEPCOUNTINGMYBLESS-BOB:-IFYOU'REWORRIED,ANDYOUCAN'TSLEEPBOB&BETTY:JUSTCOUNTYOURBLESSINGSINSTEADOFSHEEPANDYOU'LLFALLASLEEP,COUNTINGYOURBLESSINGS.(THEYkiss.)BETTY:Goodnight,Bob.BOB:Seeyou'roundthemesshall.(BETTYexitsintothehouse.BOBlooksupatthestar-filledsky,asurprisedsmileonhisface.)SCENE9:RalphSheldrake'sOfficeinNewYork:Martha'sSwitchboard(Thereisthesoundofacacophonyoftelephonesringingandreceptionists'voicesansweringthem,andwehearthefollowingintheforegroundasthescenechangestorevealETHEL–whoworksasthesecretarytoSHELDRAKE.)ETHEL:Goodmorning,theEdSullivanShow.Yes,MissClooney,I'llconnectyou.(RING)Goodmorning,theEdSullivanShow.JoeJimenez?Onemoment,SeñorJimenez.(RING.)Goodmorning,theEdSullivanShow.I'msorry,MissKogallen,Mr.Sullivanisonanotherline.(RING.)Goodmorning,theEdSullivanShow.(SHEILA’svoicefadesoutinaseaoftelephonerings.WeseeSHELDRAKEonthephoneinhisoffice.)SHELDRAKE:Letmegetthisstraight,Mr.Banks.Yourclientrefusestogoonafter"TopoGigio,theLovableItalianMouse"?Mr.Banks,mayIremindyouthatTopoGigioisanAmericaninstitution?MayIalsoremindyouthatyourclientisSlinkytheSeal?Hejugglesballsandcatchesfishanddoesn'tknowathingaboutcomedy.Well,wouldhefollowSeñorWencesandhistalkingbox?Okay,okay,youtalktoSlinky,I'lltalktoTopo,we'lltalk.G'bye.(HEhangsupandbuzzestheintercom)Ethel.ETHEL:Yes,Mr.Sheldrake.SHELDRAKE:Didyousendoutthoseletterstotheguysfromthe151st?AboutgoinguptothisinnforChristmas?ETHEL:Yes,sir.SHELDRAKE:You'reapeach.NowcouldyougetmetheColumbiaInn?IneedBobWallaceontheline.(ThescenesplitsasMARTHA'sswitchboardroomappearsontheothersideofthestage.MARTHAsitsattheswitchboard.)MARTHA:Goodmorning,ColumbiaInn.Weather?Yes,wehaveplentyofweather,comeonupandseeit.(Switchboardbuzzes)-Goodmorning,ColumbiaInn.Dowehaveentertainment?(Sheburstsintosong)"Andifmysongcanmakeyou-!"(SHE'sbeencutoff.)Hello?Hello?(Switchboardbuzzes)-Goodmorning,ColumbiaInn.SHELDRAKE:Morning,CaptainWallace!MARTHA:ThisisnotCaptainWallace;thisisMarthaWatson.SHELDRAKE:MarthaWashington?MARTHA:Watson.Watson.SHELDRAKE:Oh,MarthaWatson.Ididn'tthinkIwasthatold.MARTHA:NeitherdidI.

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SHELDRAKE:Martha,thisisRalphSheldrakeinNewYork.MARTHA:Oh!?SHELDRAKE:WouldyoupassonamessagetoBobWallaceforme?Justtellhimoursecretschemeisgoinggreat.MARTHA:Secretscheme...?SHELDRAKE:Aboutthisinnupthere.TheColumbiaInn.Here'sthedeal:thecompanyisreadytocomeupandtakeitover-ChristmasEve.MARTHA:AcompanyistakingovertheInn...?SHELDRAKE:Thewholedivision'sbeenalerted.TheOldMan'llneverknowwhathithim.SaythistoBob,quote:thisisamillion-dollarproposition.MARTHA:Amilliondollars?ButMr.Sheldrake,Idon'tunderstand...SHELDRAKE:Don'tworry;Bob'llknowwhatImean.Andsay,Martha,keepthisontheq.t.,willyou?MARTHA:Yes,butMr.Sheldrake--SHELDRAKE:Great!You'reapeach!(HEhangsup.Theswitchboardbuzzesseveraltimes.MARTHAtriestomakesenseofwhatshe'sjustheard.)MARTHA:Bob'sgotacompany...?Ohmygosh!He'stryingtobuyuptheinn!12."IntotheRehearsalHall"(Thescenechangesto...)SCENE10:TheBarnRehearsalHall(Music,brightandlively.SomeoftheCHORUSKIDSareworkingonanumber.Itisclearoverthecourseofthescenethatanumberisintheprocessofbeingreadiedforafullrehearsal.)DANCECAPTAIN:No,no,no!Stop!Again,fromthetop,a-five,six,seven,eight...(THEYdanceasMIKEentersandpointstoalargepropupstage.)MIKE:Canwemovethisprop?!Canwepleasemovethisprop?!(WhistlesloudlytostopmusicandDANCERS.)People!People!(DANCERSandpianostop.HEcallsoutintothewings.)Ezekiel!EzekielFoster?(EZEKIELenters,aslethargicasever.)EZEKIEL:Ay-yup.MIKE:Doyourealizeweareinacrisis?EZEKIEL:Ay-yup.(HEexits.MIKEthrowsuphishandsinexasperationandstartstomoveithimself–hedoesn’tbudgeitveryfar.)DANCECAPTAIN:(StartingDANCERSupagain)A-five,six,seven,eight...PHIL:(Enters)Morning,Mike.Didyousaysomethingaboutacrisis?MIKE:(Givinguponmovingtheprop.)Putupashowinfivedays?Whynot.TheysayGodtookaweek.PHIL:Everything'sfasternow.MIKE:ButwhointheirrightmindwoulddecidetoputawholemusicalupinJUSTFIVEDAYS!?!(HEexitshysterical.)DANCECAPTAIN:Onemoretime!(DANCERSandpianoresumetheirworkasJUDYenters.)PHIL:Morning,sweetheart!Arewefriendsagain?JUDY:Ididn'tknowweeverstopped...RITA&RHODA:(Offstage)Oh,Philly-dilly!JUDY:...Butdon'tpressyourluck.

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(RITAandRHODAenter,wearingscantyChristmas-themedoutfits.)RITA:Hey,Philly,wecameupwithsomenewcostumesfortheshow.RHODA:Whaddyathink?PHIL:Girls,thisisafamilyshow,we'vegottotryandkeepitclean.RITA:Wealreadythoughtofthat.RHODA:How'sthisforthekids?RITA&RHODA:(Swayingbackandforthlikebells)We'rebells!Ding-dong!Ding-dong!(RITAandRHODAexitlaughingobnoxiously.)PHIL:(Followingthem)I'llgotalktowardrobe.JUDY:(Pointingtheotherway)Wardrobe'sthatway.(PHILdoesaone-eightyandexits.)MIKE:(Entersandspeaksharshly)Comeonpeople.Weneedtoclearthestage.(THEYignorehim.BETTYenters.)BETTY:Morning!MIKE:(ToBETTY,sweetly)GoodMorningMissBetty.(ToagroupoflingeringCHORUSKIDS,impatiently)MoveitPeople!Shoo!BETTY:(ToJUDY)Morning!JUDY:Yousurelookbright-eyedthismorning.BETTY:YoumightsaySantacameearlythisyear.JUDY:Ifyou'retalkingaboutSanta-Bob-Wallace,itcouldn'thavehappenedtoanicergirl.BETTY:Wehadalongtalklastnight.Judy,Ididn'tthinktheymadeguyslikethatanymore.JUDY:(KissesherSISTER'scheek)Happyholiday,sister.ASSISTANTSEAMSTRESS:(Crossingthrough,tossingahat.)Hat?CONNIE:(Catchingit)Thanks!ASSISTANTSEAMSTRESS:Judy,wouldyoupleasetryonyourtopofacttwocostume?JUDY:Surething.(ToBETTY)We’lltalklater.(JUDYwinksatBETTYandexitswiththeASSISTANTSEAMSTRESSasMARTHAenters.)MARTHA:Oh,Betty-Betty,there'satelegramforyou.FromNewYork!BETTY:(Takingthetelegram)Forme?Quiteaday.MARTHA:"FromtheRegencyRoomattheImperial"-stop."Canyoucomeimmediately"-stop."Soloengagement,younametheterms"-stop.SignedWhat-Are-You-Waiting-For-We're-The-Regency-Room.BETTY:Whatdidyoudo,holdituptothelight?MARTHA:That'sforamateurs.Iusesteam.MIKE:(Crossingthrough)Fiveminutes,ladies!Fiveminutes!People,people,FIVE!MARTHA:Toobadyou'dhavetogiveupPinetreetotakethisjob.Areyougonnatakethisjob?BETTY:What,andgiveupPinetree?Never.MARTHA:Youaresohonorable.Toobadeverybodyaroundhereisn'tashonorableasyou...BETTY:Anybodyinparticular?MARTHA:Ishouldn'ttellyouthis-but...IhadacallfromaMr.Sheldrake,afriendofBob's-soundedlikesomebigrealestateman.Betty,theyareschemingtobuyuptheinn.BETTY:They'rewhat?MARTHA:"Oursecretplanisgoinggreat,"hesays.Saystomehe'sgotacompanyallreadytotakeovertheinn-onChristmasEve,noless."TheOldMan'llneverknowwhathithim,"hesays.Oh-andthenhesaysit'sa"million-dollardeal"andheswearsmetosilence.BETTY:That'snotpossible...

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MARTHA:They'renotevengonnawarntheoldcoot,justkickhiminthedrawers.BETTY:Bobcouldn'tbeinvolvedinsomethinglikethat.MARTHA:IfI'mwrong,I'llresignasPresidentoftheNewEnglandchapterofBusybodiesAnonymous.SUSAN:(Enters.)Martha!Grandpafoundallthebillsyou'vebeenhiding.He'sangry.MARTHA:Oh,Jupiter,I'mintroublenow.SUSAN:Whatarewegoingtodo?MARTHA:Honey,there'sonlyonehonorablethingtodo.We'regonnahide.(MARTHAandSUSANexit.)MIKE:(Entering)Canwemovethisprop?(MIKEtriestomovetheprop.)Canwepleasemovethisprop?!Ezekiel?(EZEKIELentersandliftsthepropnoproblemandcarriesitoff.MIKEisembarrassed,butgladtofinallygetitmoved.Let’ssetupforthetopofthenumber.(BOBentersincostumefor"BlueSkies.")BOB:Morning,MissHaynes.Howdidyousleep?Ididn'tsleepawinkmyself.Yep.Oneofthebestnightsofmylife.What'sthematter?BETTY:YougotamessagefromaMr.Sheldrake.Itseemsyoursecretschemeisworkingout.BOB:Beautiful,beautiful.BETTY:Million-dollardeal,huh.BOB:Million-dollarproposition.That'soldRalphie.Boy,how'sthisforagreatlittleangle?BETTY:Brilliant.BOB:ThisoughtahelptheOldMan.BETTY:Helphim?Isthatwhatyoucallit?BOB:Sure.This'lltaketheloadrightoffhim.BETTY:"Alittlebitoflarcenyinallofus..."BOB:This'llputlarcenyoutofabusiness.Say,you'llkeepthisunderyourlid,won'tyou?BETTY:Ican'tbelieveyou'dhavethegallto...(SHEstartsout.)Excuseme.BOB:Hey,whatisallthis?BETTY:Oh,don'tletmeinterfereinthebusinessplansofthegreatBobWallace.AndIhaveatelegramtoanswer.BOB:Say,ifthisisaboutlastnight...BETTY:I'drathernotdiscussthat.BOB:Itwasjustalittlekiss.There'snothingtofeelguiltyabout.BETTY:Lookwho'stalkingaboutguilt!BOB:AmIsupposedtofeelguiltyaboutsomething?BETTY:Arewefinished?BOB:I’mconfused…BETTY:Isthatall,Mr.Wallace?BOB:Yeah.That'sall,MissHaynes.(BETTYexits.WAVERLYenterswiththeboxofbills.)WAVERLY:Martha!Wherethedevilisthatwoman?(WAVERLYexits.)MIKE:(Crossingthrough)Places!Iseveryoneincostume?(PHILenters.)PHIL:Bob!It’sabouttostart!BOB:Phil,haveyoufiguredoutwomen?PHIL:Yeah,theyhavelonghairandthey'resmarterthanweare.Nextquestion?BOB:Aw,forgetit.Listen,pal-wegotwordfromRalph.Letterswentouttothe151sttogetsomeguysuphereforChristmas.Wearesolid.PHIL:Great!

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(SomeCHORUSKIDSbegintoenterincostume.)MIKE:(Entering)Soloiststothestageplease!Okay,boysandgirls.Places!!!Herewego!(TheremainingCHORUSKIDSscrambleonandtaketheirplaces-theopeningtableauofthenumberisn'tfullyinplaceuntilasecondbeforetheopeningline.)13."BlueSkies"THOMAS:IWASBLUE,JUSTASBLUEASICOULDBEEV'RYDAYWASACLOUDYDAYFORMETHENGOODLUCKCAMEA-KNOCKINGATMYDOORSKIESWEREGRAY,BUTTHEY'RENOTGRAYANYMORE(Thephysicalproductionbuildsaroundthis,butthenumberisstillverymucharehearsal.Thesceneryandproductionelementsarenotcompleteuntiltheendofthenumber.)BLUESKIESSMILINGATME,NOTHINGBUTBLUESKIESDOISEETHOMAS:BLUEBIRDSSINGINGASONG,NOTHINGBUTBLUEBIRDSALLDAYLONGNEVERSAWTHESUNSHININGSOBRIGHT,NEVERSAWTHINGSGOINGSORIGHTNOTICINGTHEDAYSHURRYINGBY,WHENYOU'REINLOVE,MY,HOWTHEYFLYBLUEDAYS,ALLOFTHEMGONENOTHINGBUTBLUESKIESFROMNOWONTHOMAS:SMILINGATMEBLUESKIESDOISEECAN'TYOUHEARTHOSEBLUEBIRDS,SINGINGASONG?SINGINGASONGHAP-HAPPYBLUEBIRDSALLDAYLONGNOTHINGBUTBLUEBIRDS

ENSEMBLE:BLUESKIESSMILINGATMENOTHINGBUTBLUESKIESDOISEEBLUEBIRDSSINGING,SINGINGNOTHINGBUTBLUEBIRDSALLDAYLONG

NEVERSAWTHESUNSHININGSOBRIGHTNEVERSAWTHINGSGOINGSORIGHTNOTICINGTHEDAYSHURRYINGBYWHENYOU'REINLOVEMY,HOWTHEYFLYBLUEDAYS

ALLOFTHEMGONE,NOTHINGBUTBLUE,BLUE,BLUESKIESFROMNOWONIT'SSOBRIGHTWHENTHINGSGORIGHT

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THEYHURRYBY,WHENYOU'REINLOVE,MYHOWTHEYFLYBLUEDAYS

ALLOFTHEMGONE,BLUESKIESFROMNOWON

(MARTHAentersintothemiddleoftheDANCERS,followedbySUSAN.)SUSAN:Martha!Grandpa'schasingyou!MARTHA:Iknow,honey.Iknow.ButIcan'ttalktoGrandparightnow.MIKE:(Enters)Whatareyoudoing?Whatareyoudoing?!Getoffmystage.Getoffmystage!Lookinggoodeveryone!Andhat!Andhat!Andhat!Andhat!(MIKEchasesMARTHAandSUSANoff.Thedancecontinues.WAVERLYenterswiththeboxofbills.)WAVERLY:Martha!Martha!(HEmomentarilygetscaughtinthedance,thenexits.)THOMAS&ENSEMBLE:BLUESKIESSMILIN'ATMENOTHIN'BUTBLUESKIESDOISEEBLUEBIRDSSINGINGASONG,SINGINGASONGNOTHINGBUTBLUE,BLUEBIRDSALLDAYLONGNEVERSAWTHESUNSHININGSOBRIGHT,NEVERSAWTHINGSGOINGTORIGHT(MARTHAandSUSANrunacrossthestage.)NOTICINGTHEDAYSHURRYINGBY,WHENYOU'REINLOVETHOMAS:MYHOWTHEYFLYBLUEDAYS,ALLOFTHEMGONE,

ENSEMBLE:OOO-AAH-

WAVERLY:(Enters)MissWatson!THOMAS:NOTHINGBUTBLUESKIES,ENSEMBLE:NOTHINGBUTBLUESKIES,THOMAS:NOTHINGBUTBLUESKIESENSEMBLE:NOTHINGBUTBLUESKIESTHOMAS:NOTHINGBUT—ALL:BLUESKIESFROMNOWON!FROMNOWON!FROMNOWON!BLUESKIESFROMNOWON,FROMNOWON!(MARTHAandSUSANenter.)WAVERLY:(Holdingupahandfulofpapers)Martha,whatisthemeaningofallthesebills?ALL:FROMNOWON!(WAVERLYthrowsthebillsintotheair,handsMARTHAtheboxandexitsinarage.Asthebillssnowdownontothestage,theCHORUScontinuesdancing.)MIKE:(Enters.)Cut!CUT!Blackout!Blackout!!!

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ACTTWO14."Entr'acte"SCENE1:OnstageattheBarnTheater(PHILandJUDYaredoingarun-throughoftheirnumber,whichwillprogressintoafull-blownproductionnumberwiththemandtheCHORUSKIDS.Thenumberhasfullcostumesandscenery-afantasyofapiano.)15."ILoveaPiano"PHIL:ASACHILD,IWENTWILDWHENABANDPLAYEDJUDY:HOWIRANTOTHEMANWHENHISHANDSWAYEDPHIL:CLARINETSWEREMYPETS,JUDY:ANDASLIDETROMBONEITHOUGHTWERESIMPLYDIVINEBUTTODAYWHENTHEYPLAYICOULDHISSTHEMPHIL:EV'RYBARISAJARTOMYSYSTEMBUTTHERE'SONEMUSICALINSTRUMENTTHATICALLMINE(Asmalltoypianorollson.)ILOVEAPIANO,ILOVEAPIANOILOVETOHEARSOMEBODYPLAYUPONAPIANO,AGRANDPIANOITSIMPLYCARRIESMEAWAYPHIL&JUDY:IKNOWAFINEWAYTOTREATASTEINWAYILOVETORUNMYFINGERSO'ERTHEKEYS,THEIVORIESJUDY:ANDWITHTHEPEDAL,ILOVETOMEDDLENOTONLYMUSICFROMBROADWAYPHIL:I'MSODELIGHTED,IFI'MINVITEDTOHEARALONG-HAIREDGENIUSPLAYPHIL&JUDY:SOYOUCANKEEPYOURFIDDLEANDYOURBOWGIVEMEAP-I-A-N-O,OH,OHJUDY:ILOVETOSTOPRIGHTBESIDEANUPRIGHTPHIL:ORAHIGH-TONEDBABYGRANDFEMALEENSEMBLE:ILOVEAPIANO,ILOVEAPIANO,ILOVETOHEARSOMEBODYPLAYUPONAPIANO,AGRANDPIANOITSIMPLYCARRIESMEAWAYIKNOWAFINEWAYTOTREATASTEINWAYILOVETORUNMYFINGERSO'RETHEKEYS,THEIVORIES,ANDWITHTHEPEDAL,ILOVETOMEDDLENOTONLYMUSICFROMBROADWAYI'MSODELIGHTED,IFI'MINVITED,TOHEARALONG-HAIREDGENIUSPLAYSOYOUCANKEEPYOURFIDDLEANDYOURBOW,GIVEMEAP-I-A-N-O,OH,OH

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ILOVETOSTOPRIGHTBESIDEANUPRIGHTORAHIGH-TONEDBABYGRAND!(Bigtheatricaldance.Attheendofthenumber,thesceneryisstruck,thedropsflyout,andwe'rebackinthebarn.SUSANentersinacostumesheobviouslymadeherself.)SUSAN:Mr.Davis!Mr.Davis,canIbeintheshow?I'vebeenwatchinganditdoesn'tlooktoohard.PHIL:ButSusie...ImeanSusan-SUSAN:Susie'sfine.Or,ifyouwant,youcancallmeBroadwaySueSEAMSTRESS:(Entering)Judy-costumechange.YouandBettyhaveyournumberintenminutes.JUDY:Oh,that'sright.(JUDYhurriesout.)SUSAN:SoMr.Davis,canIbeintheshow?PHIL:BroadwaySue,don'tyouhaveahistoryreporttowrite?SUSAN:What?Andgiveupshowbusiness?PHIL:Runalongnow.SUSAN:Don'tforget,thisismygrandfather'sbarn.PHIL:You'renotaperformer-you'reaproducer.SUSAN:Whatdoesaproducerdo?PHIL:Anythingtheywant.Butfirsttheydotheirhomework.Goon,BroadwaySue.Takeoffyourmakeup.Show'sover.(PHILmotionsheroutandSUSANstartsout,clearlydispirited.)SEAMSTRESS:Ilikethecostume,Susie.SUSAN:Lotofgooditdidme.GuessI'lljustgotomydressingroomandhaveascene.(SHEexitsasMIKEenters.)MIKE:Tenminutes!Tengloriousminutes!(DANCERSstarttoexit, followedbyMIKE.Atsomepointoverthefollowingscene,EZEKIELenterstoclearthestageofwhateverpropsorsetshavebeenused.Asalways,hedoesthisveryslowly.)DANCERS:(Chantingandtappingastheyleave.)P-I-A-N-O-OH-OH!MIKE:SetupforBettyandJudy'snumber!(RITAandRHODAenterinskimpyshowoutfits.)PHIL:(Wolf-whistles)Shazam!Hubba-hubbiferous!RITA:Sorry,Phil.Nochance.RHODA:You'realreadytaken.PHIL:Taken?Whatdoyoumean,taken?JUDY: (Entering inher "Sisters"outfit)Whatdoyoumean,whatdo theymean?Theymean taken.As intaken.PHIL:Iknowwhattakenmeans.I'mjustwonderingwhat"taken"reallymeans.(RITAandRHODAexit,laughing.)"Taken..."?JUDY:Maybeyoushouldforgetaboutthisword"taken"andrememberthetwoofus,andme.Rememberme?Your"leetlemountainflower"?"Yes,yes,yes,Imeanyes?"PHIL:Judy,look.MaybeyouandIneedsometimeapart.JUDY:WearelockedinabarninVermont!MARTHA:(Enters)Judy,Ithinkyou'dbettergotalktoBetty.She'spackingforNewYork.JUDY:Packing?Why?PHIL:Youknow,Ihappentobeafreeman!MARTHA:Uh-oh.

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JUDY:YouandIwilltalklateron.MARTHA:Uh-oh.(JUDYexits.)WAVERLY:(Fromoffstage)Martha!MARTHA:UH-OH!(WAVERLYenters.)WAVERLY:Martha,I'mstillwaitingforanexplanationaboutthosebills.MARTHA:Thatwasquiteamessyouleftme.Ishould'vemadeyoucleanitup.WAVERLY:I'mstillwaiting.MARTHA:Ididitforyourowngood,that'smyexplanation.BecauseIthoughtifIputmybraintoit,Imightbe able to get this place out of the red and you into the pink again. And if that's not a good enoughexplanation,youcanshoveitupyourvacuumcleanerandturnitonhigh!(BOBhasenteredduringthis.)BOB:Say,what'sgoingontoday?MARTHA,WAVERLY&PHIL:Nothing!(THEYexit.)BOB:Uh-oh...EZEKIEL:Ay-yup.BOB:Ay-yup.(HEexitsasMIKEenters.)MIKE: (Barelysuppressingtight-woundemotionswhileEZEKIEL listensexpressionlessly.)Mr.Foster,may Ihaveawordwithyou?Pleasedonotsay"Ay-yup."Iamusedtoaunioncrew,aBroadwaytheater,andaprofessionalstaff.Instead,Ihavechickensinthegreenroom,haywhereitdoesn'tbelong,andMr.Pig,myofficemate,justatethesheetmusicforthefinale!Don'tjustsitthere,dosomething!(HEstaresatEZEKIELforseveralmoments,thenexits.)EZEKIEL:(WhenMIKEisgone,EZEKIELdoesalittletapdance.)ILOVEAPIANOILOVEAPIANO,ILOVETOHEAR-MIKE:(Fromoffstage)Ezekiel!(Blackout)15A."IntotheBedroom"SCENE2:Betty'sRoomintheInn(BETTYispackingasuitcaseasJUDYwatches.)JUDY:Butwehaveacontracthere.BETTY:Ihavetoleave,Judy.Ithoughtyou'dunderstand.JUDY:Withoutanyexplanation?BETTY:It'ssomethingthatwastoldtomeinconfidence.JUDY:Youcan'tbreakaconfidencebutyoucangooffandplaytheRegencyRoom?It'sabigbreak,I'mgladyougotit,butwhateverhappenedtoMiss"Honesty-Is-The-Best-Policy"?DidsheturnintoMussoliniallofasudden?BETTY:Honey,itjustbreaksmyheart.JUDY:Aren'tyouinlovewithBob?BETTY:IthoughtIwas.JUDY:Whatdidhedotodriveyouofflikethis?BETTY:Let'sjustsayBob'snotthemanIthoughthewas.JUDY:Whatmaneveris?BETTY:Well,hegotmyhopesup.

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JUDY:Bobisthemostdecentguyonearth.Unlikehispartner.(KNOCK)BETTY&JUDY:We'rebusy!MARTHA:(Enters)Nowwhatthedevil'sallthisaboutpacking?Ohno,I'meventalkingliketheoldrooster.JUDY:It'saboutBobandBetty.AndmaybeaboutPhilandJudy,too.MARTHA:Well,whenyougetinvolvedwithasong-and-danceman,that'sjustwhatyouget-asonganddance.Ilearnedthatfromthetwenty-threehornplayersIwentoutwith.Scum,everylastoneofthem.JUDY:I'dgowithyou,Betty-exceptIwanttostickaroundandtearPhil'sheadoff.MARTHA:Well,Isaycongratulations.16."FallingOutofLoveCanBeFun"BETTY:"Congratulations"?MARTHA:ThisisAmerica.Sisters,celebrateyourfreedom.Youhavenothingtolosebutyourgirdles.CROCODILETEARSWILLNOTBESHEDTHEY'RENOTFORALADYLIKEI’MICANRECALLWHATMYAUNTSAIDWHENSHEMARRIEDFORTHETWENTIETHTIMEFALLINGOUTOFLOVECANBEFUN,AFTERLOVEISOVERANDDONEIT'SANAWFULBLOWBUTALTHOUGHIT'SUPSETTINGSOMUCHYOUCANDOWHILEYOU'REFORGETTINGFALLINGOUTOFLOVECANBEFUNBETTY:CANBEFUN!JUDY:CANBEFUN!MARTHA:CANBEFUN!BETTY&JUDY:WHAT?MARTHA:WHENYOUFINDYOURLOVERHASGONEBETTY&JUDY:WHENYOUFINDYOURLOVERHASGONEMARTHA:GETYOURSECONDWINDANDGOONBETTY&JUDY:GETYOURSECONDWINDANDGO!MARTHA:THERE'SANOLDAFFAIRTHATISTHEREFORRENEWINGALLTHREE:INYOURGRIEFDOYOUKNOWWHATYOU'REDOING?MARTHA:FALLINGOUTOFLOVECANBEFUNBETTY&JUDY:YOU'RELOVER'SDEPARTED,BUTDON'TBEBROKENHEARTED!MARTHA:SOON,YOU’LLBESWINGINGINAHAMMOCKONAPORCHBETTY&JUDY:SWINGIN',SWINGIN',SWINGIN'MARTHA:ONEARMWRAPPEDAROUNDSOMEONEELSETHEOTHERCARRYINGTHETORCHBETTY&JUDY:WHATWEREYOUTHINKIN'?ALLTHREE:LOVECANGIVEALADYACLOUT,ANDSHEMAYBEDOWN,BUTNOTOUTMARTHA:GETYOURSELFADATE,DON'TYOUWAITTILLTHECOUNTOFTENALLTHREE:THENFALLINGOUTOFLOVECANBEFALLINGINLOVEAGAINBETTY:FALLINGOUTOFLOVECANBEFUN

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MARTHA:DOSAY!BETTY:SOMEONEELSEMAYSOONBETHEONEJUDY&MARTHA:NOWAY!BETTY:BYANOTHERNAMEHE'STHESAMEASHISBROTHERALLTHREE:CLOSEYOUREYESANDONEISLIKETHEOTHERBETTY:FALLINGOUTOFLOVECANBEFUNJUDY&MARTHA:HE'SLIKEHISBROTHERALLTHREE:ONEISLIKETHEOTHERJUDY:IFHELEAVESYOUAFTERYOU'REWEDBETTY&MARTHA:HIGHANDDRYJUDY:ANDTHESTORKISOVERYOURHEADBETTY&MARTHA:ME,OHMYJUDY:SOONYOU'REGONNABEWITHASHEORALADDIEALLTHREE:SMILEASYOUGOSHOPPINGFORADADDYFALLINGOUTOFLOVECANBEFUN.SOONYOU'LLBELOSINGALLYOURTROUBLESANDYOURFEARSONEEYEWINKINGATSOMEONEELSE,THEOTHEREYEFILLINGUPWITHTEARSSUSAN:(Enters)Betty,Judy-Bobwantsyouonstageforyournumberrightnow!JUDY:Sohe'sdemandingyourpresencenow.MARTHA:Isn'tthatjustlikeaman!BETTY:Susan,tellhimtotakealongwalkoffahighskijump.SUSAN:Okay.(Exits.)ALLTHREE:WHENYOUFINDYOURLOVINGROMANCEGETSASUDDENKICKINTHEPANTS,GETYOURSELFSURROUNDEDANDBOUNDEDWITHLOTSOFMENTHEN,FALLINGOUTOFLOVECANBEFALLINGINLOVEAGAINANDAGAIN,ANDAGAIN,ANDAGAIN,FALLINGOUTOFLOVECANBEFALLINGINLOVEAGAINMARTHA:ANDAGAIN,ANDAGAIN,ANDAGAIN,AND-ALLTHREE:AGAIN!16A."FallingOutofLove(Playoff)"(JUDYgivesBETTYthesuitcase,MARTHAhandsBETTYhercoat.Thescenechangesto...)SCENE3:TheRehearsalHall(BOBandPHILareconferringabouttheshow.SCOOTERissittingatthepiano,andafewFEMALEDANCERSarehangingout,waitingforrehearsaltoresume.)MIKE:(Enters)Ladies,haveanyofyouseentheHaynessisters?MARSHA:No.Sorry.VALERIE:Notme.TRIX:Ihaven'tseemthem.

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MIKE:Bob,Ihavelookedeverywhere.Theirroom,thegameroom,theladies'room,themilkingroom,thechickencoup.Icannotfindthem.(Exitingandcalling)Betty!Judy!PHIL:IthinkI'llturnhimintoanopera.BOB:Justaddatitle.EZEKIEL:(Enters)Yaknow,Bob,we'vegottosettheselightsforthegirls'number.Thebandgoesoffintenminutes.Wedon'tdoitnow-weain'tgonna.BOB:Heygirls!Doanyofyouknowthisroutine?MARSHA:Uh-uhVALERIE:Notme.TRIX:Sorry.BOB:Okay,partner.Guesswe'vegotnochoice.PHIL:DoyoumeanwhatIthinkyoumean?BOB:Uh-huh.(HEstartsout)Ezekiel,hitmewithnumberseventeen.Surprisepink.PHIL:Aw,no,notthesurprisepink...17."Sisters(Reprise)"(BOBandPHILexit,followedbyEZEKIEL.Mikeshoosthechorusgirlsoffthestage.Musicstarts,andBOBandPHILre-enterpant-legsrolledup,carryingostrichfans.Thoughtheybeingreluctantly,bytheendofthenumberthey'rereallyhavingfun-especiallyBOB.)BOB&PHIL:SISTERS,SISTERS,THEREWERENEVERSUCHDEVOTEDSISTERSPHIL:NEVERHADTOHAVEACHAPERONE,NO,SIRBOB:I'MTHERETOKEEPMYEYEONHERBOTH:CARING,SHARING,EV'RYLITTLETHINGTHATWEAREWEARINGPHIL:WHENACERTAINGENTLEMANARRIVEDFROMROMEBOB:SHEWORETHEDRESS,ANDISTAYEDHOMEBOTH:ALLKINDSOFWEATHER,WESTICKTOGETHERSAMEINTHERAINORSUNTWODIFFERENTFACES,BUTINTIGHTPLACES,WETHINKANDWEACTASONE!Uh-huh.PHIL:THOSEWHO'VESEENUS,KNOWTHATNOTATHINGCOULDCOMEBETWEENUSBOB:MANYMENHAVETRIEDTOSPLITUSUPBUTNOONECANBOTH:LORDHELPTHEMISTER,WHOCOMESBETWEENMEANDMYSISTERANDLORDHELPTHEMISTER,WHOCOMESBETWEENMEANDMYMANSISTERS!EVER-LOVIN'SISTERS!BOB:Rememberhowyoutoldmetohavefun?PHIL:Yeah?BOB:Well,I'mhavingit!BOB&PHIL:SISTER,DON'TCOMEBETWEENME-ANDMYMAN!(Musicends.WAVERLYentersandcatchesthemintheirfinalpose.)WAVERLY:Atease,men.

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BOB:Howareyou,General? PHIL:Afternoon,General!PHIL:Wewerejusttestingthefans.BOB:We'renotreallyinthisnumber.PHIL:Hemademedothis.BOB:Unionrules.WAVERLY:Ah-ha...SUSAN:(SUSANenters.)Mr.Wallace!IhaveasecretIcan'ttellyou.BOB:Doyouwanttotellmethesecretnoworlater?SUSAN:BettyjustleftforNewYork.Judydrovehertothestation.BOB:NewYork?Whatfor...?SUSAN:Shethinksyou'renotthemanshethoughtyouwere,butIbetshe'dreconsider.BOB:Oh,that'swhatshethinks,huh?SUSAN:Meantimeshesaidyoushouldwalkofftheskijump.WAVERLY:Actually,Captain,MissHaynesgotatelegram.BOB:Whatdiditsay?"BobWallaceisn'tthemanyouthoughthewas-leavetown?"Everybodytakefive,please.WAVERLY:(Producingthetelegram)Well,Itookthelibertyof,ah,borrowingthewire.Havealookforyourself.BOB:(Takingthetelegram)"TheRegencyRoom..."(Readsthemessagetohimself.)Well,Ilikethat.DumpingVermontforthebigtime.(ToPIANIST)Isaidtakefive.(PIANISTexits.)WAVERLY:Captain,Ithinkyou'remakingatacticalerror.BOB:Allthathigh-mindedtalk.Whatalotofguff...WAVERLY:Ithinkshejustgotconfusedsomehow.(BOBstartsout.WAVERLYtriestostophim)Bob-oneofthejobsofacommandingofficerisknowinghowtoassesspeople.Inmyassessment,MissHaynesdoesn'thaveanounceofguffinher.Ithinkshe'sinlovewithyou,you'reinlovewithher,there'sbeensomekindofmisunderstanding,andifyoudon'tgooffandchaseheryou'reafool.PHIL:Ithinkso,too.SUSAN:Methree!BOB:General,canyouarrangeacartotakemetoNewYork?SUSAN:It'salreadywaitingoutside.BOB:Youknow,sister,youareaprize.SUSAN:Wait'tillyouhearmesing.BOB:Later,Susie.PHIL:Haveasafetrip,buddy.WAVERLY:Goodluck,son.17A."IntotheRegencyRoom"(BOBexits.ThescenechangestotheRegencyRoom,aclassyclub,aswehear...)SCENE4:TheRegencyRoomREGENCYCLUBANNOUNCER:Ladiesandgentlemen,theRegencyRoomatManhattan'sImperialHotelwishesyouthehappiestofholidayseasons.AndnowinherfirstsoloNewYorkengagement,MissElizabethHaynes.

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18."Love,YouDidn'tDoRightByMe/HowDeepistheOcean?"(Therearetablesofelegantlydressedpeople,allwatchingBETTYassheperformswithfourmalebackupDANCERS.)BETTY:LOVE,YOUDIDN'TDORIGHTBYMEYOUPLANNEDAROMANCETHATJUSTHADN'TACHANCEANDI'MTHROUGHLOVE,YOUDIDN'TDORIGHTBYMEI'MBACKONTHESHELF,ANDI'MBLAMINGMYSELF,BUTIT'SYOU(BOBentersandsitsatatabletowatchBETTYperform.Shedoesn'tseehim.)MYONELOVEAFFAIRDIDN'TGETANYWHEREFROMTHESTART,TOSENDMEAJOEWHOHADWINTERANDSNOWINHISHEART,WASN'TSMARTLOVE,YOUDIDN'TDORIGHTBYME,ASTHEYSAYINTHESONG,"YOUDONEMEWRONG!"BOB:HOWMUCHDOILOVEYOU?I'LLTELLYOUNOLIEHOWDEEPISTHEOCEAN,HOWHIGHISTHESKY?HOWMANYTIMESADAYDOITHINKOFYOU?HOWMANYROSESARESPRINKLEDWITHDEW?HOWFARWOULDITRAVELTOBEWHEREYOUARE?HOWFARISTHEJOURNEYFROMHERETOASTAR?ANDIFIEVERLOSTYOU,HOWMUCHWOULDICRY?HOWDEEPISTHEOCEAN,HOWHIGHISTHESKY?BETTY:MYONELOVEAFFAIRDIDN'TGETANYWHEREFROMTHESTART,TOSENDMEAJOEWHOHADWINTERANDSNOWINHISHEART,WASN'TSMARTOH,LOVE,YOUDIDN'TDORIGHTBYMEASTHEYSAYINTHESONG,"YOUDONEMEWRONG!"HEY,MISTERLOVE,YOUDONEMEWRONG!18A."RegencyRoomBows"(Afterhernumber,BETTYbowstotheapplauseoftheRegencyRoompatrons,whoareclearlyimpressedwithher.ThenshewalksoffstageandfindsBOBthere.BETTYissilent.)BOB:That'sagoodsongforyou.BETTY:Thanks.It'stakenfromlife.Excuseme.(SHEstartsout,BOBstepsinherway.)BOB:Betty,I'mkindofconfused,totellyouthetruth...BETTY:Look,Bob.ItalkedthisalloverwithJudy...BOB:Whoa,whoa.Whatabouttalkingitoverwithme,orPhil?WhataboutthecastyouleftinthelurchupinVermont?Youdon'twantpeopletothinkyou'reunderhanded,doyou?BETTY:Underhanded?Youtalkaboutunderhanded?BOB:That'saprettymysteriousremark.BETTY:Icanhardlyspeaktoyou,I'msoangry.BOB:IfIsaidordidsomethingwrong,I'dliketosetitright.Ijustwanttoknowwhatitis.BETTY:Ifyoudon'tknow,Ican'texplainit.

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BOB:NowI'mtotallylost.SHELDRAKE:(Enters)Evening,Bob.It'sagoodthingIranintoyou.BOB:Gladyoucouldmakeit.BettyHaynes-thisisRalphSheldrake.BETTY:Oh,yes,Mr.Sheldrake,I'veheardallaboutyou.SHELDRAKE:I'msuregladBobcalledmeintoseeyouract.Wow,youareTNT,MissHaynes.BOB:RalphandIwereinthearmytogether.NowheworksfortheEdSullivanShow.BETTY:I'msorry-fortheEdSullivanShow?Ithoughtyouwereinrealestate.SHELDRAKE:No,I'monlyahumbleTVproducer.Anyway,IjusttalkedtoEdaboutyou,MissHaynes.Hewantstobookyouontheshow.Nowhow'sthatforamillion-dollarproposition?BETTY:Amillion-dollarproposition...SHELDRAKE:Thefolksoutthere'llneverknowwhathit'em.Butlook,Bob,Istillhaven'theardfromhalftheguys.Ithinkourlettersgotstuckintheholidaymail.BOB:That'satoughbreak...Say,doyouthinkEdwouldgivemea30secondspotonhisshowtomorrow?SHELDRAKE:Sure-IcancutKateSmithdowntothreechorusesof"GodBlessAmerica."BETTY:I'msorry-you'renotinrealestate?SHELDRAKE:No,I'mnot.BETTY:AndBob,youcalledhimintoseeme,eventhoughIleftyourshow?BOB:You'regood,that'sallIknow.Ifasingleactiswhatyouwant,thentakeit.Butsay,I'vegottoscoot.Ralph,seeyouatthestudio.Betty,takecare.Goodluck!(HEexits.)SHELDRAKE:CanyoubelieveastarlikeBobWallace,helpingouttheGeneral?Wesentoutsixhundredletterstryingtosetthisup.BETTY:Thereareafewthingsyouhavetoexplaintome,Mr.Sheldrake...19."TheOldMan"(THEYexit.Wehearamaleoffstagechorus,humming"TheOldMan,"asthesetchanges.)SCENE5:TheEdSullivanShow(BOBisonstage.)OFFSTAGEMALEVOICES:WE'LLFOLLOWTHEOLDMANWHEREVERHEWANTSTOGOLONGASHEWANTSTOGO,OPPOSITETOTHEFOEWE'LLSTAYWITHTHEOLDMAN,WHEREVERHEWANTTOSTAY.DOODOODOODOODOODOODOODOODOO…(Offstagehummingcontinuesunderneaththefollowing...)BOB:Thanks,folks.Youhearthatsong?"We'llFollowtheOldManWhereverHeWantstoGo."Weinthe151stdivisionusedtosingthattoGeneralHenryWaverly.AndI'mheretonightwithacalltothe151st.Yousee,theGeneralcouldusesomecompanythisChristmas.Iknowit'saskingalot,goingtoVermontwithyourfamiliesfortheholidays-butthewayIrememberit,that'swhatChristmasisallabout.Alotofuswouldn'tbealivetodayifitwasn'tfortheGeneral.Sowe'dbegivingjustaboutthenicestgiftwecouldtothegreatestguywe'lleverknow.(Sings,withOFFSTAGEMEN)BECAUSEWELOVEHIM,WELOVEHIMESPECIALLYWHENHEKEEPSUSONTHEBALLANDWE'LLTELLTHEKIDDIESWEANSWEREDDUTY'SCALL

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WITHTHEGRANDESTSON-OF-A-SOLDIEROFTHEMALL!(Setchangestoreveal...)SCENE6:TheFrontDeskattheInn(ThefrontdeskattheInn.TheASSISTANTSEAMSTRESSiswithMARTHA.)MARTHA:Icannotdanceintheseshoes.ASSISTANTSEAMSTRESS:Areyousureit'stheshoes?(MARTHAglaresatHER,andtheASSISTANTSEAMSTRESSexitsquickly.MIKEandtheSEAMSTRESSenter.)MIKE:Isthegownready?SEAMSTRESS:Youfixthegown!(TheSEAMSTRESSthrowsthedresstoMIKEandexits.)MIKE:Ofcourse!(MIKEexitsasPHILandJUDYenter.)PHIL:AnywordfromBob,yet?MARTHA:Notathing.HishotelsaidheleftNewYorkinthemiddleofthenight.PHIL:Well,he'sonlygotaboutthreehourstoshowtime...BOB:(Enters)Holidaytraffic,folks.HappyChristmasEve.JUDY:Anyluck,Bob?DidyouseeBetty?BOB:Isawher,allright.PHIL:Yes?And?JUDY:Whathappened?BOB:Icouldn'tbudgeher.Shewon'tcomeback.Ijustdon'tgetit.JUDY:Oh,I'msosorry,Bob.BOB:Anyway,how'severythinghere?JUDY:Oh,nottoobad,nottoobad...(SHEwagglesherleft-handfingersatBOB.)BOB:Whatdoesthatmean?Ihopeit'snotobscene.JUDY:It'swheretheengagementringisgoingtogo.Rightthere.PHIL:Shegotmedrunk,sheclubbedmeoverthehead,nextthingIknew-Boom!JUDY:Hewas“taken”!BOB:ThingssurehappenfastinVermont.MARTHA:Yeah,we'rerenamingit"TheSunshineState."BOB:(ShakinghandswithPHIL,kissingJUDY)Well,that'sreallygreat.That'sterrific.Congratulations,youtwo.SUSAN:(Enters)Mr.Wallace,Mr.Davis-I'vebeenworkingonmynumber.PHIL:Okay,Susie.Youbeatusintosubmission.Showusyournumber.SUSAN:Standback,Pinetree.Susan'sbackintown!20."LetMeSingandI'mHappy(Reprise)"LETMESINGAFUNNYSONGWITHCRAZYWORDSTHATROLLALONG.YEAH!ANDIFMYSONGCANSTARTYOULAUGHING,I'MHAPPY!(Spoken)I'mlikeasunflower.PutalightonmeandIturn.Ezekiel,hitmewiththosespotlight--ooh,I'myoungagain.Nowbringmeashowcurtainasgaudyasallget-out.(TheSEAMSTRESSESwheelarackofre-sequinedcostumesinfrontofherasacurtain.)Viola!I'MHAPPY

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LETMESINGOFDIXIE'SCHARMS,THESWANEESHOREANDMOTHER'SARMSANDIFMYSONGCANMAKEYOUHOME-SICK,CANSTARTYOULAUGHING,CANSTARTYOUCRYING,Comeongirls!(AfewlittleBACK-UPGIRLScomerunningouttohelpSUSANfinishhersong–fullyincostume.)I'MHAPPY!(SUSANgetsaroundoftumultuousapplause.Theclothes-rackispushedasidetorevealMARTHA,glaringatSUSANforhavingstolenhernumber.)MARTHA:Honey,youwerebornwithit.Andwhoarethesegirls??PHIL:Didn'tItellyoushewasterrific?Ashermanager,Idemandsixfigures!No,twelvefigures!WAVERLY:(fromoffstage)Martha!BOB:There'stheOldMan.Don'tforget,Martha.MARTHA:Iknow.OperationUniform.(BOB,PHIL,andJUDYexitasWAVERLYenters.)WAVERLY:Frontandcenter,MissWatson.Iwanttotalktoyou.SUSAN:Youknowwhatyourproblemis,Grandpa?Youhavetolearnhowtocountyourblessingsinsteadofyoursheep.(Beltingout,MARTHA-style)20A."Susan’sExit”ANDYOU'LLBEHAAAA-PY!(SHEandtheBACK-UPGIRLSexit.)WAVERLY:Whatisshetalkingabout?Andwheredidthosegirlscomefrom??Thiswholeplaceseemstohavegoneinsane...Martha,whereareallmysuits?MARTHA:Isentthemalltothecleaners.WAVERLY:Allofthem?OnChristmasEve?MARTHA:Oh,don'tworryabouttheshow,youcanwearyouruniformtonight.WAVERLY:No,Iwillnotwearmyuniform.MARTHA:Thenyou'llwearyourundershortsandyou'llmakequiteapicture.WAVERLY:Igotalongverywellinthearmywithoutyou.MARTHA:Yeah,butittook17,000mentotakemyplace!Andyouarewearingyouruniformtonight!WAVERLY:Youknowwhatyou'reactinglikerightnow?You'reactinglikeawife.MARTHA:Well,I'vehadenoughpractice.Wefightallthetimeandweneversleeptogether,peoplethinkwearemarried!EZEKIEL:(Enters)Afternoon,General.WAVERLY:Ezekiel.EZEKIEL:Martha.MARTHA:Zeke.EZEKIEL:MerryChristmas.MARTHA:AndGodblessus,blah,blah,blah.EZEKIEL:Ibeenhearingthatallday.GotapackageforMr.Wallace...(Setsdownthepackage)...andaspecialdeliveryforyou,sir-fromWashingtonD.C.WAVELRY:FromWashington...?EZEKIEL:Ay-yup.TheWhiteHouse.Sayssorightthereinthecorner.Don'tseetoomanyofthose...(WAVERLYgrabstheletter)Wind'scomin'up,betterlightafiretonight.Happyholidays!MARTHA:Bah,humbug.

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EZEKIEL:Beenhearin'alotofthat,too.Seeya.(HEexits.)WAVERLY:(HEhasopenedtheletterandreadit.)GoodHeavens...MARTHA:What,thePentagonfoundthattankyoustole?20B."LetterUnderscore"WAVERLY:Theywantmeback.ThePresidentpulledthestrings.I'vebeenpostedtoEurope.Icanshipoutaftertheholidays.MARTHA:Oh,Henry...Henry,that'swonderful.(SHEembraceshim.)WAVERLY:Now,you'renotgoingtocryonme,areyou?MARTHA:(Pullingaway)No,I'mnotgoingtocry.It'smyastigmatismactingup.Nowyouseethat?Youcanwearyouruniformtonight,afterall.WAVERLY:Idon'tknowwhereallthemedalsare.MARTHA:Oh,I'llfindthem,I'llfindthem...Youareabsolutelyhopeless,Iswear.Sir!20C."IntotheBarnTheater"(MARTHAandWAVERLYexit.Thescenechangesto...)SCENE7:BackstageattheBarnTheater(ThereisaChristmastree.CHORUSKIDSareexchanginggifts.JIMisledin,blindfolded,byMARTY.)JIM:What'sgoingon?Whereareyoutakingme?MARTY:Relax.It'sasurprise.JIM:Thisisabsurd!Ihavetogetreadyfortheshow...(Duringthis,SHIRLEYhasledinCYNTHIA,alsoblindfolded,whileKATEfollowswithmistletoedanglingfromasticklikebaitfromafishingrod.)CYNTHIA:What’sthisabout.SHIRLEY:Almostthere….Okay.Okay.Okay.KATE:Okay….Now!(JIMandCYNTHIAhavebeenbroughttogetherunderthedanglingmistletoe.Theblindfoldsaretakenoff.Theyseewhat'sup,laugh,andkiss.)MARTY:MerryChristmas!CYNTHIA:(Embarrassedbuthappy)Youguys!(TheSEAMSTRESSenterswithRITA&RHODAfollowingher.ShemeetsupwiththeenteringASSISTANTSEAMSTRESSenterswithacostumeprojectinherhand.)SEAMSTRESS:(ToASSISTANTSEAMSTRESS)Hurry!Hurry!Hurry!ASSISTANTSEAMSTRESS:I’msewingasfastasIcan!!RITA:Istilldon’tunderstandwhywecouldn’twearthebelloutfit?!RHODA:(Pouting)Yeah!Ithoughttheywerecute!SEAMSTRESS:Ineverapprovedthatcostumeandyouknowit.MIKE:Okay,allyouChristmaselves!We'vedoneit!We'veputupashowinfivedaysandIalwaysknewwecoulddoit!Ineverdoubtedusforasecond!AndwediditbyremainingCALM!EZEKIEL:(EntersandgoestoMIKE)Oh,Mr.Nulty.Igotsomethin'forya.MIKE:Forme...?

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EZEKIEL:Ay-yup.Agallonofmaplesyrup.(GivingMIKEalargejug)Thatoughtasweetenyourpancakes.(HEexits.)MIKE:I'mmovingtoVermont.(HEexitswiththecrowd,leavingBOBalone.)PHIL:(Enters,throwingagifttoBOB)Bob-MerryChristmas,oldman.BOB:(ThrowingPHILagift.)Likewise,buddy,likewise.PHIL:(Studyingthesmallbox)Aw,atoboggan!BOB:YouknowPhil,youwererightnotsolongagoaboutputtingsomeromanceinmylife.IhadagreatshotwithBetty.Idon'tevenknowhowIblewit.PHIL:(Takingonelastpresentfromunderthetree)Buthey,youdidn'topenthis.BOB:Whatisthat?PHIL:Idon'tknow,itjustsays"ForBob."21."HowDeepistheOcean(Reprise)"(BOBopensitandfindsamusicboxthatplays"HowDeepistheOcean."Fromoffstage,pickingupthemelodyofthemusicbox,BETTYsings.)BETTY:HOWFARWOULDITRAVEL,TOBEWHEREYOUARE?(BETTYenters.PHILandALLOTHERSslipoutduringthis.)HOWFARISTHEJOURNEY,FROMHERETOASTAR?BOB:IthoughtyouwereinNewYork.BETTY:ThisistheonlyplaceIwanttobetonight.Bob,I'msorry.Iwasso,sowrong.BOB:IthoughtI'dneverseeyouagain.MerryChristmas,Betty.BETTY:MerryChristmas,Bob.HOWMUCHDOILOVEYOU?BOB:HOWMUCHDOILOVEYOU?BETTY:I'LLTELLYOUNOLIEBOB:I'LLTELLYOUNOLIEBETTY&BOB:HOWDEEPISTHEOCEAN,HOWHIGHISTHESKY?ANDIFIEVERLOSTYOU,HOWMUCHWOULDICRY?HOWDEEPISTHEOCEAN,HOWHIGHISTHESKY?(BOBandBETTYkiss.MIKErunsout,yellingloudly,notseeingthem.)MIKE:Places-whoops!Sorry!(Quieter)Places,Bob.Welcomehome,Betty.(Loudandfull)It'smagic-time,people!Placesforthetopoftheshow!Places!22."BlueSkies'Overture/'TheOldMan'(Reprise)"(Adramaticchangeasaspotlighthitsourconductor,leadingaverybriefoverture.BOB,PHILandSHELDRAKEenter,allofthemwearingarmyuniforms.MARTHAleadsWAVERLYonstage.He,too,isnowinfulldressuniform.)WAVERLY:Whatareyoudoing?MARTHA:Getoutthere.(SHEexits.)WAVERLY:Whyareyoupushingmeonstage?Ijustwanttositintheaudiencelikeanynormal...(Aspotlighthitshimandheturnstoseeouraudience.)BOB:Soldiers-attention!(WehearaCHORUSofmensingingoffstage.)

46

BOB,PHIL,SHELDRAKE&OFFSTAGEMEN:WE'LLFOLLOWTHEOLDMANWAVERLY:Whatisallthis...?BOB,PHIL,SHELDRAKE&OFFSTAGEMEN:WHEREVERHEWANTSTOGOLONGASHEWANTSTOGO,OPPOSITETOTHEFOEWE'LLSTAYWITHTHEOLDMANWHEREVERHEWANTSTOSTAYLONGASHESTAYSAWAYFROMTHEBATTLE'SFRAYBECAUSEWELOVEHIM,WELOVEHIMESPECIALLYWHENHEKEEPSUSONTHEBALLANDWE'LLTELLTHEKIDDIESWEANSWEREDDUTY'SCALLWITHTHEGRANDESTOFSON-OF-A-SOLDIEROFTHEMALL!BOB:(Indicatingaudience)Yourtroopsareassembled,sir.The151stDivisionsalutesyou.WAVERLY:(Lookingoutfront)LieutenantBoyle...CorporalSanchez...Andisthatfreckle-faced?BOB:It'sFrankieHaynes,sir.HeflewinfromFairbanks,Alaskathismorning.WAVERLY:Dog-faced...(HEcatcheshimself)Haynes,youlookasgoodasever!(BOB,PHIL,&SHELDRAKEallpullback.WAVERLYaddressestheaudience)So-ChristmasEve,1954.Andisn'tthisafinegift.Tryingtogiveanoldsoldieratasteofhisformerglory.Well,ladiesandgentlemen,Ihavesomenews.PresidentEisenhowerhasinvitedmebacktoactiveduty.BackintothenoblestprofessionIknow.Well,backwardsisawayasoldierdoesnotgo.Andthefactis,I'mnotasoldieranymore.I'maninnkeeper.Aproudinnkeeper,butaverybadinnkeeper-withallthechanceforgloryIneededrighthereinPinetree,andIdidn'tevenseeit.Mysuperior,MissMarthaWatson,willtellyouIoncesetbreakfastfor0600hours.Well,fromnowonit'sgoingtobebreakfastalldayandwafflesallnight.Bedswillnotbemade.Calisthenicsarestrictlyforbidden.Andanybodywhocallsme"sir"insteadof"Hank"willbetossedoutonhiscan.Yousee,IknowsomethingtodayIdidn'tevenknowyesterday:Ifyou'reworriedandyoucan'tsleep-justcountyourblessingsinsteadofsheep...(Singingacappella)ANDYOU'LLFALLASLEEP,COUNTINGYOURBLESSINGS23."CountYourBlessings(Underscore)"WAVERLY:LasttimeIsawyourfaces,youwereallboys.Nowhereyouarewithyourwivesandchildren,andit'sagrandsight.Myfriends,thankyoufromthebottomofmyheart.AndMerryChristmas!BOB&PHIL:MerryChristmas,sir!WAVERLY:Whatwasthatagain?BOB&PHIL:MerryChristmas,Hank!WAVERLY:(Toaudience)Whatwasthatagain?BOB,PHIL,SHELDRAKE&AUDIENCE:MERRYCHRISTMAS,HANK!WAVERLY:Dismissed!Orastheysayinthetheater:onwiththeshow!24."WhiteChristmas"BOB:I'MDREAMINGOFAWHITECHRISTMAS,JUSTLIKETHEONESIUSEDTOKNOW...Folks,ifyouknowthewords,pleasejoinin.Maestro,oncemorefromthetop.BOB&ALL:I'MDREAMINGOFAWHITECHRISTMAS,JUSTLIKETHEONESIUSEDTOKNOWWHERETHETREE-TOPSGLISTEN,ANDCHILDRENLISTEN,

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TOHEARSLEIGHBELLSINTHESNOW(PHIL,SHELDRAKE,WAVERLY,andBOBexittorevealthebarndecoratedforChristmas:lights,bulbs,wreaths,candles,astunningtree,theworks,withtheensembleinplaceandsinging.WAVERLYandMARTHAenter,arminarm,singingalong,thenPHILandJUDYdanceon,thenfinallyBOBandBETTY.)ALL:I'MDREAMINGOFAWHITECHRISTMAS,WITHEV'RYCHRISTMASCARDIWRITE."MAYYOURDAYSBEMERRYANDBRIGHTANDMYALLYOURCHRISTMASESBEWHITE”SUSAN:(Enters)Grandpa!Martha!It'ssnowing!It'ssnowing!WAVERLY:Openthebarndoors!(Thebarndoorsopenupstagetorevealaperfectsnowfall.)ALL:I'MDREAMINGOFAWHITECHRISTMAS,WITHEV'RYCHRISTMASCARDIWRITE"MAYYOURDAYSBEMERRYANDBRIGHTANDMAYALLYOURCHRISTMASESBEWHITE”!AAHI'MDREAMINGOFAWHITECHRISTMAS,JUSTLIKETHEONESIUSEDTOKNOWWHERETHETREE-TOPSGLISTEN,ANDCHILDRENLISTENTOHEARSLEIGHBELLSINTHESNOWI'MDREAMINGOFAWHITECHRISTMAS,WITHEV'RYCHRISTMASCARDIWRITE"MAYYOURDAYSBEMERRYANDBRIGHTANDMAYALLYOURCHRISTMASESBEWHITE”!25."Bows"26."I'veGotMyLovetoKeepMeWarm"ALL:THESNOWISSNOWING,THEWINDISBLOWINGBUTICANWEATHERTHESTORMBOB&BETTY:WHATDOICAREHOWMUCHITMAYSTORM?ALL:I'VEGOTMYLOVETOKEEPMEWARMMARTHA&WAVERLY:ICAN'TREMEMBER,AWORSEDECEMBERSUSAN:JUSTWATCHTHOSEICICLESFORMPHIL&JUDY:WHATDOICAREIFICICLESFORM?ALL:I'VEGOTMYLOVETOKEEPMEWARM(Snowfallsonthestageastheensembledances.)ALL:(Afterdance)OFFWITHMYOVERCOAT,OFFWITHMYGLOVEINEEDNOOVERCOAT,I'MBURNINGWITHLOVE(Snowbeginstofall.)MYHEART'SONFIRE,THEFLAMEGROWSHIGHER,SOIWILLWEATHERTHESTORMWHATDOICAREHOWMUCHITMAYSTORM?I'VEGOTMYLOVETOKEEPMEWARM.(TapBreak)ANDMAYALLYOURCHRISTMASESBEWHITE!27."ExitMusic"

THEEND!