satire - young wizards satire

7/28/2019 Satire - Young Wizards Satire

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The Ridiculam: Young sorcerers dreams crushed as wizarding

colleges send out rejection owls

Many top wizarding universities sent out admissions decisions in the

past couple of weeks, disappointing the millions of young sorcerers

who received the dreaded thin owl.

While a small fraction of the wizards and witches graduating from

school were admitted into top programs such as the Salem Graduates

Institute, the Merlin Magical University, and Harvard, the vast

majority of the record number of applicants had to settle for less

prestigious institutions of higher magical learning.

The news crushed the applicants, many of whom hoped to take

advantage of the top universities programs in areas such as Defense,

Magical Business, and Pre-Healing.

My dream was to go to Stanfords LeFay College of Sorcery, major in

Charms and International Relations, and go work for the British

Ministry of Magic, said Tyler Reed, an eighth-year student at the

Witch & Wizards School. But now that I didnt get into Stanford, I

dont know what Im going to do. Ill have to go to the state school,

and their Charms program isnt very good at all.

When I went on my college tour at Merlins, I knew it was my dream

school, said Emma Babbit, an honor-parchment student at the

Wizarding School of Louisville. The classes, the campus, the

levitating dorms, everything was perfect. But now they dont want me,

and I just cry all the time.

The denials also produced a sense of indignation in many of the

applicants, who had worked hard during their school careers, racking

up dozens of resum entrees, including club membership and


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community service, such as teaching transfiguration techniques

to underprivileged magical children.

I just dont understand. I got good grades and I poured my heart out

into Charms Club and Young Witches for Social Change, and put in

dozens of hours for NHS, Salem student Penny Liszt said, referring

to the sporting and service organization Nimbus Honor Society. And

I went to the Salem Witches Institute, which is the best public

wizarding school in the countryand I still didnt get into Yales

sorcery program.

The universities stressed, however, the record number of highly-

qualified applicants in the pool this year. The O.W.L. scores we

received this year were off the charts, said Harvard School of

Wizardry President Michael Waverly, and we hardly saw a single

Troll on a transcript. We have never seen so many 5s on the A.P.

Defense Against the Dark Arts exam. It is simply impossible to admit

every single qualified applicant, and we know that those who we did

not have room for will distinguish themselves at other institutions of

higher learning.

While many wizards and witches received the bad news through the

arrival of the traditional thin owl, others received them through less

conventional means, as part of many environmentally-conscious

universities attempts to cut down on owl droppings. But, as the

popular wizarding-university Internet forum Conjurer Confidential

showed, many students felt the universities had missed the point.

I got my letter through flying envelope, one poster wrote. Soimpersonal. I felt like they didnt care about me at all.

through the wireless. What is up with that?


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Despite the disappointment, these final-year students are making

decisions on universities to which they have been accepted and are

going on with their lives, preparing for N.E.W.T.s and getting ready

for the May Ball.

The Ridiculam at manualredeye.com is your best source for the

hard-hitting, investigative news regardless of whether its

actually true.


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