Sneu

Good evening France. Tonight we have an important guest on our show. Former president Nicolas Sarkozy. Who, if he gets what he wants. Will be our president once again. Welcome to the show mister Sarkozy.

Paris. Recording studio France deux.

Happy to be here. But let’s not waste any time on pleasantries. France already lost too much time during the rule of Hollande.

Lately you have been crushing in your criticism for the socialist government of Hollande. Some people still think that your governance prior to the economic crisis, where there was a lack of overview on what was going on in the banking sector. Was a lot more damaging to the country.

Do you actually believe that you “losing your honor” is the worst thing that happened in the past decades? Worse than, umh. Let’s say, the ongoing war between Israel and Palestine? Are these problems so easily solvable?

Like how Hollande affected my honor. How the police raided my house. Not a single problem in the world is either more important nor harder to overcome than me losing my honor.

I can assure you that no blame is with me or any other right-wing liberal concerning the ‘08 crisis. Beside that, there are bigger problems in the world than a crisis that only touches the poor and the middle class.

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I will tell you this! I, Nicolas Sarkozy, shall personally solve the issues in Israel. To prove to the people of France that everything is possible with the power of the free capitalist spirit the UMP is been fighting to save for years.

The problems you are talking about are only small matters!The only thing important at this moment is who will give me back my honor. Who will save France from socialism? That person can only be me.

Later that day. Sarkozy’s home.

Because nothing can stop a Frenchman on a quest. Vive la France. Vive moi!

How the fuck am I going to talk my way out of this.

Or maybe I should really try to do this?

There is only one person who will know what to do. The greatest of all the right-wing concer-vatives. Angela Merkel.

MERDE! Hollande wouldn’t even make an election promise like that.

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Where is my loyal steed. I will need his help for this.

Faster Shadowfax. Faster!

She knew how to import marginal employment in her country. She knew how to take control over Europe like many Krauts have tried but failed. She will know what to do.

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The next day. Jen Tower. Jena. Germany.

My dear friend. Thanks for meeting with me on such a short notice. I need your help and advice.

No problem, old friend. Let’s go inside. We have a lot to talk about.

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But every solution I can think off can be called anti-semitism with a well placed holo-caust card. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Making a whole country see morale values?

Nicolas, the kinship of right-wing conser-vatives is trying to prevent exactly that from happening for decades.

Israel is the preeminent place for a total lack of irony understanding.

A Europe where we can finally make people fully subordinate to multinationals. Where people can’t see the irony of christian parties not giving a single fuck about the poor.

Israel is a great role model. We should learn from them. not stop them.

The way so many Jewish Zionist went to Israel after the terrible events of the holocaust. To live there as Übermenschen.

From the outside I can’t do anything. The only thing that could possibly help is some magical cure that makes them see that the bombing and stealing Palestinian land is wrong.

Nationalism, bigotry and preventing people from recognizing irony are the three pillars of our kin. How else can we prevent people from getting social values, how else can we make Europe the Walhalla for neoliberalism where everything solely exists for keeping our capitalist economy running.

Nothing would be in our way if we could manage that kind of lack here.

I need your advice, since my announcement yesterday I’ve been picking my brain for solu-tions for the war in Israel.

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Nobody would be asking irrelevant questions. Like if a good working economy is of any use when the people don’t get the benefits from it. And finally the christian par-ties like ours could worship the economy like a god. And once again rule in a concer-vative matter. Worshipping the new god without giving a shit about the people. This is madness!

I can’t be part of this! My honor is at stake here. Why doesn’t anyone seem to understand the importance of that.

So you chose to fight us. You leave me no choice.

There is no other way! The worshipping of our new god is nearly here. We can’t back down now. I can use your help, old friend.

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You can’t stop me. Open the door Angela. Or I will come and open it myself. I truly don’t want to hurt you. But if you aren’t giving me a choice...

You don’t want to hurt me? You can’t hurt me! You didn’t choose your enemy wisely.

Typical fucking Krauts.

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That night. Jen Tower.

Where the fuck am I?

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The next day. Jen Tower.

Foul weather.

A sign of god?

A handkerchief? A plebeian handkerchief?

Oh plebeian handkerchief, bring me help. Some big bird flying me away from here, a carpet. It doesn’t matter. But send help!

Goddammit!

Maybe I’ve made a mistake. Maybe my honor is beyond repair. Maybe I just should have kept my big mouth shut. I could have made myself and my country rich. Well, the happy few, of course. I could have just said yes to Merkel, like everyone in Europe does. There is no shame in that.

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Fucking handkerchief. It can better be on the roof. I can imagine the nagging of mom when I lose it. That she can do. Nagging. But making me a steak? That’s too much to ask. Fucking vegetarians. I’m not a rabbit mom!

Good day, sir. Any chance you’ve seen a hand-kerchief. A green one. Never mind. What are you doing here? You can’t be here. It’s dangerous.

I am imprisoned by Merkel. For your own safety it would be recommended you leave me here and never talk of this to anyone.

Luckily for you I’m not Angela’s biggest fan. I am Eddy. Let’s get out of here. It’s too cold to be on roofs.

Great!

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But wasn’t that what Jesus once said. “All these nice Christian values aren’t for the poor.” He must have.

Hahaha, you really thought Merkel would give you permis-sion to try to give a part of the world moral values?

Yes. I thought she would support me in helping people. I thought she was one of the good Germans. I believed she was an honest Christian lady. After her recent endeavors to improve the work conditions of the Germans.

Don’t worry Eddy. As long as I am alive. And without your help that wouldn’t have been long. I will do all that is in my power to make this world a better place. And by doing that. Regaining my lost honor.

Under my rule. No one will shiver under the pressure of the economy. What’s the point of this great economy if the people aren’t the ones prospering from it. Goddammit Eddy I sound like a fucking socialist.

And there I can be of service to you for the last time. Go to Belgium. To Stoumont. Go to the bar “Le Fagotin” you will meet my cousin there. He might be able to help you. Or you might be able to help him. Goodbye!

But first I have to earn the people’s trust. I have to prove myself to them.

Faster Shadowfax, faster!

You must be al-most as naive as your voters. And yes. All those improvements. Finally a mini-mum wage to go with our mini jobs. Not for the low-skilled like me of cource. Or people who have been out of work for a longer period of time.

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Strange how there seems to be only growing boxwood. You could suspect god is a lazy drawer.

Two days later. Stoumont. Belgium.

Hoping for the best.

Hello. I am Nicolas Sarkozy. I was sent here by Eddy Von Moffenstein. His cousin should be here.

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Please follow me mister Sarkozy.

During these twelve years we have dedicated our entire lives to find a way to fix these issues.

I can. Don’t you worry about that.

But don’t worry. It’s only human. Men want to believe there is something bigger. Something that comes with simple guidelines that will make him succeed in life. This one or the next.

Mankind can’t cope with the idea that his life is just what it is. Mankind will always find a way to believe in something that can make him bigger than he is. We need it to think we will be on top one day. Even the biggest loser will belief somewhere deep inside ,that one day he will be more. Your god provides that hope.

You can’t. You may have lost your tradi-tional Christian beliefs a long time ago. But you merely replaced them with your faith in another invisible entity that rules all life. In whose name people do terrible things to others. Your god may not be recognized, but nevertheless it is one. Your god is the economy. And a man who’s in the service of an unseen entity can’t fulfill this quest.

And we do believe we finally found a solu-tion. But you aren’t ready to hear about this yet. Before we involve you any further in this, we have to make sure you have the rare power to put something as implausible as religion in perspective. Do you think you can do that?

I am Tony Von Moffenstein, Eddy’s cousin. We were expecting you.

We are the secret brotherhood of the serum of wisdom. For the last twelve years we have been working to find a solution for the problems that are happening in Israel and Palestine.

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2000 years earlier. Jerusalem.

If mankind’s love for critical thought would be bigger than the love for misplaced hope. The history would have looked different.

I remember this one time. There was a river. Not a very big one. But nevertheless I didn’t want to get my dress wet. So I kept walking past it. When suddenly, a sign of god...

A beautiful crossing. Sun shining on it, you can proba-bly imagine my relief after walking for hours on end.

Why didn’t you just cross the river sooner? Did you walk the whole way by the river for our sins?

There just wasn’t a bridge, I told you i didn’t want to wet my clothes. How else would I have done it?

With the power of God, of course!

Well. Yeah.

For fuck’s sake! Does everyone think I can walk on water? Not all Jews have magic powers!

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But how did you turn water into wine? That had to be with the help of God?

And the story of the fish and the bread that was suddenly there? Or the blind man and the mud?

My god! The whole bible is just a fantasy book with magic in it?

You see Nicolas, people have always told the stories and history in a way it’s more hopeful. In a way they can make others believe in it. See it like they do. It’s our duty to be critical thinkers, and not believe everything we hear.

I am trying to bring a message of com-passion and the only reason people are listening, is because of tales of magic! How can people believe such nonsense?

Just the errand boy. And why the hell keeps everyone reminding me of the blind man. It was one drunken night. Every-one makes mistakes. Boys will be boys goddammit!

We wanted some wine so we send the errand boy to the mar-ket place. How else?

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This happens in all places Nicolas. The way they reinvent everything in a way it seems more hopefull and real. Even nationalism and capitalism undergoes that same transforma-tion as the story of Jesus. And of course, all other relgions blow up their stories. Also the Muslims. Well, they blow a lot of shit up.

Wait on! STOP! You there. With the amazing scarf. Who are you? And what is that object you are pointing at our glorious leader?

Good day to you, sir. Don’t worry. I’m Rudi Vranckx. I travel through time to make documentaries.

Even for a religious man like me this sounds insane. Don’t point it at me!

It can be a weapon, some-thing made to harm you. Decapitate these man!

And this is a camera. It registers reality. It’s harmless.

Anjem, let the army attack. When the city falls, my power will be greater than ever before.

Sure, looting and raping for the loving god! That’s what we are doing. Not a single chance I’m just saying that to gain right to rule.

Don’t you mean the power of Allah?

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That’s unnecessary, just don’t point it directly at me. From this moment on, no one will make any images of me. Ever!

You’ve heard him, stop pointing that thing at him. Now, hold your amazing scarf be-tween that “camera” and our leader!

But... I never take off my scarf. Please don’t make me do this.

Alright. Just don’t hurt us. Please...

Much better!No Rudi. NOO!

TAKE IT OFF NOW!

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So Muhammed can’t be pictured because of a Belgian journalist and he was just a cheapass Genghis Khan? And Jesus, if he really existed, couldn’t do any kind of magic tricks?

Precisely! Then we need you in the quest to Israel.

I didn’t see that coming! How could I know that characters out of a book with a magic man that made the world, weren’t real. Does that also mean that jews aren’t chosen nor special? That they are just humans like the rest of us?

This will be your weapon. This oversized messenger bag is filled with essences that will trigger the power to relativize, acknowledge and recognize irony and hypoc-risy. It took us years to get the right amount of hypocrisy and irony to get the necessary essences. It was after the “je suis Charlie” march with Netanyahu and Buhari, that we found everything we needed to fabricate the elixir of wisdom.

It will be your job to spread the elixir over Israel. And there is only one way to do it. You will have to throw this bag containing the elixir into Mount Perez. A vol-cano on illegally occupied land in Palestine. When this bag falls into the volcano, the volcano will erupt, spreading the elixir to the regions nearby. Every human that comes in contact with it, will be able to recognize irony and so on. Every vegetable that will grow in this region for the coming thousands of years will contain a bit of the elixir. This way further generations will still be affected by it.

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In every story men who wear robes are important. So you will wear one. But not one like Muhammed of Jesus, you will wear the robe of a much wiser man. An Istari instead of some lame prophet. From a fantasy book much more credi-ble than the Bible, Koran or Torah. A robe like Gandalf once wore.

It fits like a dream! That’s good to hear.

Who are those guys?

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Terrible!

What! Of course you are going to carry it yourself. They are only here to remember you the point of this quest. They can merely walk.

God, what have we started.

What a shame.

I really have to do it my-self? I always considered that a peasant’s job.

But at the same time perfect. You really care about your LOTR references. These two can be my hobbits. Bearing the burden of this oversized bag. I was afraid I would have had to carry it myself.

Their names are Ahmed and Jousef. Two little Palestinian boys who lost their legs during the Israeli bombings of their neighbour-hood. They are here to remind you what you are doing it for.

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Your journey must be as secret as possible. Don’t let anyone know what you are doing. Don’t take a plane and don’t get seen while crossing a border.

What path you take is up to you. This map is merely to make sure you know where Israel is. If you get stopped while you are on your way. Tell people you are an artist. That this is an art project. As an artist, people anticipate you to whine about the world, so your whining will be insignificant to them and you will be on your way again. First, you will have to go to Aachen. There, you will meet a Chinese artist that will teach you how to look like an artist.

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So remember. Secrecy is of the greatest importance to this quest.

And find the Chinese man in Aachen.

Jesus. Even the clouds look like boxwood.

Thank you. I won’t disappoint you. I will return when Israel is saved from itself. When I have regained my honor.

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Darling. I’m calling you to let you know I won’t be home for dinner. I’m sorry. It will be a while before you’ll see me again.

Goddammit Nicolas. You can’t be serious. Ev-ery damned time you do this, your own daugh-ter isn’t going to recognize her father. Please don’t tell me this is going to be for long. I have something that some people might consider a career. I need you to look after the kids.

Shut up Carla! What I’m doing is more im-portant than your fucking songs!

I’m trying to bring some goddamned irony to Israel and save my honor. I need this!

Sorry. Do what you need to do. Goodbye.

Do you really believe your songs are more important than a peaceful solu-tion to the war between Israel and Palestine?

Finally a tasteful change in view after all those horrific wind turbines.

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We’ve intercepted a conversation be-tween Carla Bruni and Nicolas Sarkozy. I think you might want to read this.

Thousand bombs and freedoms!

NSA headquarters. Fort Meade. Maryland. U.S.

My poor wife. Could I only be with her.

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Joe, I fear we might have a problem on our hands. It seems that some guy in Europe wants to find a peaceful solution for a problem in the Middle East region.

A What!?

Freedoms! Peace without war? Fucking Europeans. I will be there in a sec.

Hello.

AAH! WTF!

Alright, if you say so. But what to do with the intercepted con-versation?

I’ve been training for years to secretly and quickly getting behind a person to whisper in his or her ear. Don’t worry.

A peaceful solution to a war in the Middle East.

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Tell me everything you know. I will deal with it or bring it to the attention of the president. No one will do anything peaceful as long as we have a say in it. Whoever thinks he has the right to bring feedom to any part of the world must remem-ber one thing. We have the patent on freedoms. And freedom comes with a cost. A big one.

President. I have concerning news.Not a single clue. It could be that Sarkozy is working on his own. But I doubt that.Tell me, what is bothering you.

Do we know, who’s behind this madness?

No, Sarkozy is the kind of man capable of bankrupting a political party.

And he wouldn’t be able to do anything without the media attention. He has more of a clown than a politician.

A couple of hours later. The White House.

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Maybe it’s time for the old trick of the nuclear bomb? We get rid of the whole of Europe, no more complaining about the environment and no more damned culture. We could be the center of Western thinking, and no longer just incest England

Whoever it is. We have to act fast. Decades of bombing without rebuilding, of doing as little as possible for the people living in the regions we attack, of murdering innocents because of our paranoia. All of it could be for nothing if Sarkozy succeeds in his mission. It could influence the whole region of the Middle East.

Worst case scenario the stabilization could not only affect the Middle East, but whole Africa. We need third world countries to keep digging up the raw materials for our luxury items.

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It should be here, the shopping mall.

Find the Chinese man they say, like they don’t all look the same.

That’s one right there! Konichiwa! You, we might have an appointment.

The next day. Aachen.

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Ehm, I don’t think so.

Not that I know. Unless you’re Emma.

You must be the one! Konichiwa! Happy to finally have found you mister Chinaman!

What? I am Jackie Chan, I don’t think we have an appointment. Crazy white guy!

No, not Emma. Sorry.

Goddamned they all just look exact-ly the same, its like a Kim Yong-un invasion.

Alright, never mind.

It’s not that you all look exactly the same!

Ah konichiwa! You there, do we have an appointment?

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You fucking racist pig! No need to involve skin color into this you fucking Chink! Go eat some dog or do some kung fu!

There is only one trick to come across like a real artist. Think like an oversimplified Jew. For the last decades, artist have been profiling themselves as the Jews of the entertainment.

pieces of art will be remembered. Make your sentences as difficult as possible and never forget to find dumb strange shit very fucking interesting. Like seven headed chandeliers. And try to never miss an opportunity to whine about stuff like the world is a Wailing Wall. Now go Nicolas, may the god of the nothing and everything, the meaning and void! The god of art! Be with you, my friend.

Whatever you do, do it in a nontraditional way. Grow yourself some crazy facial hair and of course wear matching crazy clothes. And whatever you do, look down on any other form of entertainment, see them as the unworthy Goyim that they are. And if one of this other forms of entertainment makes something you can’t look down on. Give it another name and pretend that it’s more than before you did the mere sym-bolic name change. Like calling a director an cinematographer. Live and die for the word “Art”, even though no one knows what exactly is art and what isn’t. And it’s not even possible to find a right answer to that question because of the fact its relative to whatever fucking culture and/or mindset you are in. Try to come across like a smart man by saying whatever some art critic said in a magazine, not giving a fuck about how art critics have been wrong for so many times and only time will tell what

Good afternoon, you must be Nicolas I’m Ai Weiwei. I’ve been sent here to teach you about acting like an artist.

But we don’t have much time. We shouldn’t be seen together. I’ll keep it short, stop me if I’m going to fast for you to understand.

Oh, I apologize. Sowwy!

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Chuck, I assume you have been informed about the terrible news we have recieved. As Secretary of Defense I will need you to come up with a plan to stop Sarkozy. Like always civilian casualties nor the state of the region when we leave is of any importance.

Great plan! What precise location would you propose to bomb?

Perhaps even just the threat will make them find Sarkozy and stop him for us. After all, we are talking about the French.

The artery of their economy, their biggest pride. The French camenbertfields.

Well, I think there might be only one solution. Bombing, bombing and bombing. The three pillars of freedom. We can stop Sarkozy and everyone else in France with one bomb. It would be unhumain to not do it. I propose the plan French freedom.

The White House.Washington

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To be continued...

Paris. Official residence of Hollande

Great idea! I know just the right person to exert some pressure on.

Hello Hollande. Is this a bad time?

Quite a bad time, it’s midnight.

I was afraid you would react like that...

I’m afraid i can’t help you with that. He is free to do whatever he wants. I didn’t know the US was so involved with the French presidential elections.

This is the point. Sarkozy must be stopped. Whatever it takes. Use all the money of Germany and all the ridiculousness of Luxembourg. If you aren’t able to stop him we will have to do it for you.

You won’t like the American way of dealing with Sarkozy, Holland. So, find him and stop him. I don’t care if you kill him or capture him. But if you aren’t able to stop him. We will drop a nuclear bomb on the French camenbertfields.

No problem. Something is terribly wrong. And i have a feeling you might be the man who can help me out. Ac-cording to our intelligence Sarkozy is on his way to bring a nonviolent solution for the war between Israel and Palestine to the Middle East. We have to prevent this at all cost.

The man who was unable to make multina-tionals pay fair taxes. If anyone will bend, it will be...

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