santa shock

8/13/2019 Santa Shock

1/11

SANTA SHOCKA brief play by Dan Finnen

The characters are

MoeHelper ElfRob

SantaDonner

Tiny TimParamedic

The play takes place in a mall in Muncie, Indiana and the North Polarity.

Copyright 2013 by Dan Finnen

For a free license to shoot or perform this play, please email [email protected]


2/11

2.

Lights come up on a shopping mall Santa sitting in a Christmas themedthrone that had once seen better days. A large sign overhead says

MUNCIE MALL. A bowl of egg nog sits out on a table attracting flies.

This Santas real name is MOE, and Moe is a fifty-year-old dad who has

recently lost his job in the factory he worked at his whole life.

Moe sits twiddling his thumbs while a bored teenage HELPER ELF checks

her phone. Nobody is in line. Nobody is in the mall.

MOESlow day again. Man, Amazons sucking the life out of these malls, right? Am I

right?

The helper elf ignores him.

MOEOh! Heres somebody

ROB, a nerdy teenager walks up to the line. He stands around awkwardly,

not sure what to do next.

MOEUh, son, can I help you?

ROB

I have a Christmas request.

MOEArent you a little old for

The teenager walks up and sits down on Moes lap. Moe sags under his

weight.

MOEHo! Ho, sonny my knees arent as good as they once were

ROB

Ask me what I want.

Rob stares into Moes eyes.

MOESo what would you like for Christmas little boy young man?

ROB


3/11

3.

One hundred and fifty six thousand dollars.

MOEFor what?

ROBTuition money.

MOEAh. Well. Ill get right on that. Off you go!

Moe pushes Rob off his lap.

ROB

Dont I get a picture?

Moe lets out a long sigh.

MOEFine. Helper elf!

The helper elf lets out a long sigh.

Moe and Rob pose together and the helper elf takes a picture. Rob leaves.

MOE

What a mess. Earlier today a kid asked me if I could make his parents get backtogether. I dont know if I can take another day of this. Five days until

Christmas Ill never make it.

The helper elf goes back to playing on her phone and ignoring Moe.

Moe stands up.

MOEI need a break. We got anything to drink? Pop? Water?

HELPER ELF

We got some egg nog thats been sitting out since this morning.

MOEWhatever, Ill drink it

The helper elf dumps some nog into a cardboard cut and hands it to Moe.

MOE


4/11

4.

Thanks.

Moe takes a big swig of the nog.

Lights change and the helper elf disappears as Moe starts to choke on the

nog. He drops the cup and falls to his knees as he gasps for air.

The REAL SANTA strides into the room. He nudges Moe with his boot.

SANTA

Yo. Up here.

Moe looks up and stumbles to his feet.

MOES Santa?

SANTA

Ho, Ho, Hell yeah!

Moe looks around.

MOEWhats happening? Where am I?

SANTA

Youre in the North Pole!

MOEHow can I be in the North Pole when I was in Muncie two seconds ago?

SANTA

The North Pole is not a location. Its a parallel universe.

MOEIm pretty sure the North Pole is an actual place.

SANTA

Shhhhhh

Santa holds his finger to Moes lips.

SANTASomebodys been a naughty boy

Moe points to himself as to say, Who? Me?


5/11

5.

SANTA

Yes, you. I hear youre thinking about quitting?

MOE

I was thinking that. I mean, how can howd you know?

Santa turns away from Moe.

SANTA

Oh, you know that old song, He knows when youre sleeping, he knows whenyoure awake, he knows when youre bathing Something like that.

MOE

Im sorry, I just cant handle this job, you see those kids today?

Santa spins around.

SANTAJob?Job?This is not some measly job were talking about here. Do you know

the gravity of your position?

MOEIm a fake Santa in a run down strip mall who gets paid below minimum wage.

SANTA

Youre not there for the money!

MOEIm pretty sure I was

SANTA

Youre there for the kids. You are my personal ambassador to Muncie, Indiana.One of the many personal ambassadors I have sprinkled through the entire world.

Its a sacred trust. The trust of the brother of shopping mall Santas.

MOEThe brotherhood of shopping mall Santas?

SANTA

Yes! The BSMS for short.

MOEThat sounds terrible.

SANTA grabs Moe by the shirt.


6/11

6.

SANTA

You areSanta to those kids. You are the only way theycan see me. Whateverimpression they get fromyouis what they get of me. When you look like an idiot,

you make melook like an idiot. DO I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT MOE? DO I?

MOENo! No!

Santa lets Moe go.

SANTA

I didnt think so. Its time to get the Christmas spirit back in you.

MOEHow do you

SANTA

DONNER!

Santa claps twice. DONNER enters. Donner is an incredibly attractiveyoung woman wearing a skimpy Christmas themed dress decked out with

snow, ornaments, and lights. She has a thick French accent.

SANTAYo girl. Give Santa some sugar.

Donner gives Santa a kiss and Santa gives her a playful spank as she

walks over to Moe.

MOEWait. I thought Donner was

SANTA

Yeah, yeah, a reindeer. Sold off all those years ago and replaced them withsupermodels.

MOE

You use supermodels to pull your sled?

SANTAYou think Im a frickin idiot? No I dont use supermodels to power my sled. I

use jet engines.

Santa looks at Donner.


7/11

7.

SANTAThis guy, right?

MOE

What does Mrs. Claus think about all this?

SANTA(Yelling towards offstage)

That CHEATING WHORE? IM GONE ONENIGHT OF THE YEAR, ONENIGHT! AND YOU BREAK MY HEART!

MOE

Im going to assume theres some backstory there

DONNERSweetie, what do you need me to do?

SANTA

Ah. Just need a Christmas spirit infusion on this chucklehead. Nothin fancy.

Donner looks over Moe.

DONNERHes going to need some work, but I can handle it. Why dont you go get some

rest sugar plum?

Donner gives Santa a kiss, which quickly devolves into a short make-outsession. They break apart and Santa gives Moe a stern look.

SANTA

Remember Im watching you Moe. Just like the song says. Ho, ho,hoooowaaaayy!

Santa makes his grand exit.

Donner sets down her bag and begins to rummage through it.

DONNER

To recharge the Christmas spirit within yourself you must do either one of twothings. You can be inspired to do wondrous acts of good will by three ghosts

MOE

That sounds time consuming

Donner pulls out a string of Christmas lights and stands back up.


8/11

8.

DONNEROr we can do electroshock therapy.

MOE

What the hell?

DONNERI dont got three ghosts and all day, its time for the Santa Shock.

MOE

Pass.

DONNERDo it for me, baby.

MOE

Nope.

DONNERIt doesnt hurt

MOE

Fine, do it, whatever gets me out of here!

DONNERThats the spirit. Now hold still.

Donner wraps up Moe in Christmas lights.

MOE

You know, I already feel super Christmassy, so you dont even need to

Donner finishes.

DONNERNow, repeat after me. Ho!

MOE

Ho!

DONNERHo!

MOE

Ho


9/11

9.

DONNERHo!

MOE

HOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH!

Donner plugs in the lights wrapped around Moe. They promptly short out,electrocuting Moe. After a moment, Donner unplugs the lights. Moe falls

to the ground panting.

MOEOh shit, oh shit, I think I just pissed myself

DONNER

Do you feel the Christmas spirit flowing through your body?

Moe, still lying on the floor wrapped in lights, wiggles angrily.

MOEYOU JUST ELECTROCUTED ME! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH

YOU?

DONNERHmm. Looks like it didnt take. We need to bring in the big guns. TIM, GET IN

HERE!

Tiny Tim enters limping pathetically on a tiny cane.

MOETiny Tim?

TINY TIM

Life hurts so much but I love Christmas! And you should too!

Tiny Tim hits Moe with his cane.

MOEOuch! I thought you were supposed to be cute!

TINY TIM

Sir, do you have any food to spare? Im so hungry, I havent eaten in years

MOEI think hes exaggerating, I mean, hed be dead if

Tiny Tim smacks Moe with his cane again.


10/11

10.

MOE

Ouch! Okay you little monster, theres a candy cane in my pocket! Take it!

Tiny Tim snatches a candy cane from Moes pocket.

TINY TIMOh, thank you kind sir! Now I will not die in starvation in a tiny, dirty little sewer

today. Instead, I will die in a tiny, dirty little sewer tomorrow.

Tiny Tim begins to exit the stage limping, then halfway stands straight up.

TINY TIM(in a deep voice)

One cane? Cheapskate.

Tiny Tim exits. Moe looks up at Donner.

MOEI think I feel a little Christmassy?

DONNER

(smiling)Great!

Donner plugs the lights back in.

MOE

No! No! It worked! I love Christmas! Im going to watch Frosty the Snowman onloop for the rest of my life! PLEASE ANYTHING BUT

Suddenly the lights change back to how they were at the beginning of the

show. Donner exits and is replaced by the helper elf and a PARAMEDIC.

The paramedic leans over Moes body with a defibulator while the helperelf watches and screams.

PARAMEDIC

Clear!

The paramedic shocks Moe.

MOEAAAAAHHHH!

Moe bolts straight up.


11/11

11.

MOE

NO MORE! NO MORE! I HATE CHRISTMAS! I HATE IT!

PARAMEDIC

What what was that sir?

MOE

(sobbing)I hate Christmas

PARAMEDIC

(quietly, to himself)Hmm looks like it didnt take. Better send him back.

MOE

What are you talking about? Are you

PARAMEDICSOMEBODY GET THIS MAN SOME WATER.

The helper elf looks around, finding no water anywhere.

PARAMEDIC

Cmon woman! This man is going into shock!

MOEDont listen to him IM FINE!

Flustered, the helper elf grabs a cup and fills it with egg nog and hands it

over to the paramedic. He looks at it.

PARAMEDICNow hold still sir

Moe notices what hes about to give him. Hands tied, he tries to resist, but

cant do anything but squirm.

MOENo! NO! I DONT WANT TO GO BACK TO THE NORTH POLE! NOOO!

The paramedic forces Moe to drink the egg nog.

The lights all go black. In the darkness, we hear the dark laughter of Santa

Claus.

santa shock

Documents