How do you cope with failure?

The reality is that there is no complete and utter failure if we learn something from our experience.

The first sentence above sounds like a cliché, and it may be, but there is a reason why there are many famous quotes that state something similar. In fact – here are some below that I found.

Don't be afraid to fail. Don't waste energy trying to cover up failure. Learn from your failures and go on to the next challenge. It's OK to fail. If you're not failing, you're not growing.--H. Stanley Judd

Every failure is a step to success...--William Whewell

Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.--Babe Ruth

Failure is instructive. The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as from his successes.--John Dewey

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.--Woody Allen

An inventor fails 999 times, and if he succeeds once, he's in. He treats his failures simply as practice shots.--Charles Kettering

Despite how much I believe that the message of the above quotes are true, failure still hurts and I tend to get down on myself when I experience failure.

Perception of failure is a personal thing but at times when I feel like I have failed, either professionally, as a teacher, or in my relationship with my wife and kids, it gets me thinking about my insecurities and my weaknesses as a human being. I begin to doubt my abilities and in the case of teaching, on rare occasions, my choice of profession. This normally doesn’t last too long if the ‘failure’ is a singular one. Sometimes if there are a multiple of small failures occurring at the same time I could be in a funk for days to weeks. Exercise helps but I often don’t have time to get to the gym.

Most of my family members have suffered from some type of anxiety/ depressive disorder at some time in their lives so I am conscious of the potential for it in myself.

I have to say that my perspective on life has been noticeably more positive since moving to the US and I attribute this to more sunlight hours which reduces the effect of seasonal affective disorder. (undiagnosed)

Fourtunately, when I tried to recall my last complete and utter failure I couldn’t remember one. My most recent brush with failure was my invention and running of the Star Sprint World Championships. I pitched the idea to the director of the largest

beach volleyball event in the country (the WSOBV in July) and he put it into the tournament schedule.

My initial plan to take registrations online and have a 64 athlete draw completely bombed and I thought I was going to have to contact the tournament director to cancel, which would have been embarrassing for me and evidence of failure. However I came up with a solution to take entries on the day. The event eventually ran and although there were not many participants I got some good photos and video that I can put together to obtain sponsorship for next years event. My grand vision didn’t materialize, but it turned out to be a fun experience, and I have taken positives from it.

Secretly I wish that I could recall more failures as that would mean that I am pushing myself more and living more outside my comfort zone. I have to say however that I live a relatively safe and secure life.

What are the ways you bring out the best in others?

As a Physical Education teacher I think I bring out the best in a number of my students by getting them to enjoy physical activity. Because my class sizes are 50-60 students, realistically it is difficult to find ways to push the athletic kids. I remember being bored in my own physical education classes at high school (and I had great teachers) because most of the activities were geared around the capabilities of the average kid. That sounds arrogant, but it is not meant to be. I continually try to think of ways to push the keen kids because that was me when I was their age.

As a teacher I try to get the kids to think about what it means to be successful. This primarily involves giving ones best, acting with honesty and integrity and visualizing the future that you want to be living in.

As a coach with my club I think I help to bring out the best in my athletes by giving them a good technical foundation and sharing my joy of the game.

How do you handle pressure and adversity?

I am not sure that I feel a lot of pressure in my everyday life and have not had to cope with too much adversity. Although I understand that stress and conflict are not exactly the same as pressure and adversity, they do share similarities and so I have chosen to speak to them a little here.

My dad having a stress induced brain hemorrhage several years ago has had an effect on my response to stress. Although I sometimes get caught up in the moment, and experience stress, I generally try to avoid it all together because I never want what happened to my dad to happen to me. This sometimes causes issues because as my wife gets stressed and speeds up, I slow down (to her frustration)

From a professional perspective as a teacher I try to avoid conflict every chance I can, and I do this by trying to do my job as best I can and not upset anyone.

As a teacher of 12 years (does that make me a veteran – I’m not sure) I have a pretty high level of confidence that I can deal with almost any situation that arises so teaching itself is less of a high pressure environment. Sometimes when I get observed I do feel pressure to perform. It doesn’t get to me too much as I have confidence in my teaching ability and my classes generally run smoothly.

Adversity, like failure as I described earlier, sometimes gets me down, but generally I get through it by telling myself that I can’t worry about what others people are doing or anything out of my control.

I am very lucky in that I don’t face a whole lot of adversity in my life. My parents are getting older and of course they will pass away one day, so this is something that I am going to have to cope with in the future.

One characteristic of the way my body works is that the more stressed I feel, the more time I need alone to myself. This was fine when I was single but is not good if you have a family. Luckily for me I have had felt less stress since I have been married than ever before in my life. As a single guy I was not financially smart and was always under some sort of financial pressure, however my wife is frugal and since being married, and following her leadership in this area of my life, I now feel more financially secure.

How do you exhibit patience and persistence?

Being a teacher has forced me to develop patience, as I don’t think that I am a particularly patient person naturally. From that perspective I think that teaching has taught me a very valuable skill. Certainly as a parent I have to exhibit patience as small children delay almost everything. I do this by using empathy and acceptance that now that I am a parent my priorities are not top of the list. I also know that by showing patience I am building a better rapport with my children and hopefully teaching them tolerance.

As far as persistence is concerned I continue to move forward towards the goals that mean a lot to me despite any setbacks or roadblocks that may present themselves.

How do you create balance in your life each day?

This is something that I continually struggle with. It is not so much a matter of balance, but learning to live in the moment, which will allow me to enjoy life more. I cant stop myself from dissecting, planning and constructing the future in my mind that it takes away from my enjoyment of the present and attending to things that I should be like family time.

I know that I should be spending more time maintaining my fitness but other things always seem to move up the priority list and take away from my time to exercise.

How do you give respect to others?

I try to treat people fairly and not be influenced by status. It is not a great example but as one of the top beach volleyball players in the country (back in the day) I had friends at all levels of the game. I really don’t care how good you are at beach volleyball as long as you are a good person. There were plenty of top players that would only talk to the elite athletes.

I attempt to listen to others views, even if they don’t match my own. In fact I enjoy hearing views that conflict with my own as it opens my eyes to new perspectives. I do however find myself sometimes not willing to accept others viewpoints on a situation.

How do you deal with criticism?

I don’t like being criticized – who does? I pride myself on always trying to do my best so when I get criticized it doesn’t make me feel good. The problem with criticism is that sometime (in fact quite often in my opinion) it is unfounded. If you follow social media at any level you see extreme criticism in all spheres of life and there are always people that will take the opportunity to slander and degrade even the most well-meaning of human beings. Sometimes it disturbs me emotionally to see evidence of the cruel and unkind human acts that are occurring throughout the world.

Sometimes after a few days, when the immediate hurt has died off, I am capable of looking objectively at criticism and agree that it has an element of merit. If my intentions are well meaning however, I can’t allow myself to get to down about what someone else thinks.

How do you make good decisions?

I think that if any decision comes from a good place, and the intent is well meaning then the decision is probably a good one to make. I don’t know how many decisions we make are critical to our life’s path – it would be interesting to study. This is something I have not thought a lot about. Here are some quotes that I found about decision making that I found enlightening and interesting.

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.--Roy Disney

No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently.--Agnes de Mille

A decision is the action an executive must take when he has information so incomplete that the answer does not suggest itself.--Arthur W. Radford

Every great decision creates ripples--like a huge boulder dropped in a lake. The ripples merge, rebound off the banks in unforseeable ways. The heavier the decision, the larger the waves, the more uncertain the consequences.--Ben Aaronovitch

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.--Flora Whittemore

The greatest accomplishment began as a decision once made.--Michael Rawls

I found every single successful person I've ever spoken to had a turning point. The turning point was when they made a clear, specific unequivocal decision that they were going to achieve success. Some people make that decision at 15 and some people make it at 50, and most people never make it at all.--Brian Tracey

How do you show that you care?

My wife once looked at love languages, which are ways in which people show their love or caring. These are words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. (Chapman 1992) In looking at these, I know there are several that are not a strong part of my love language vocabulary, such as gifts. My understanding is that people generally favor one or another but I really do think that the way I show I care changes depending on the person. For example with my kids or my students I give plenty of words of affirmation but I do not with adults.

Chapman Gary (1992) The Five Love Languages – The Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing Chicago IL

How do you celebrate?

I don’t think that I am particularly good at celebrating my achievements. On most occasions the feeling that I get from achieving my goal is reward enough. I generally tick off the goal and move on to another. Perhaps if I can find ways to reward myself more effectively it may lead to more motivation and greater success.

How do you accept responsibility for your actions?

I try to avoid laying blame for anything that happens in my life, as I believe that we are the architects of our own destiny. I particularly like the saying that “Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences”.--Robert Louis Stevenson

There have been times when I have found myself blaming someone else for a situation that is not ideal, then after some thought determining that I was in part responsible for the situation. Part of the resolution and ‘moving on’ requires me to accept that I could have made the situation better and making a mental note on what I will do to avoid the situation occurring in future.

Why do we exist? (Your sports team)

I exist as a Middle School Physical Education teacher to create an environment whereby my students can have a positive experience of sport and exercise with the goal of encouraging life long participation in Physical Activity. By doing this I feel I am providing a good service to society and the world as a whole.

I hope also to create an environment in my class whereby the students can learn life long skills of teamwork, negotiation, roles etc.

The Golden Coast Beach Volleyball Club exists to enrich the lives of others through the medium of beach volleyball. In addition to this our youth program exists to assist athletes that have the ability and drive to achieve scholarships in beach volleyball the skills to do so.

What is our purpose?

Our purpose as coaches is to lift others up, to assist others to be the best they can possibly be.

Who are our stakeholders and what do they value?

The stakeholders are the students and parents and families, the community, and finally (and with a hint of optimism) the nation and the world

What do the students’ value?

An interesting window into youth values can be found in an Australian study that looks at what 11-24 year olds. (Hudson C 2010) The response were that:

78.8% highly valued Family relationships60.9% highly valued friendships33.9 % highly valued Physical and mental health29.3% highly valued school or study satisfaction

I do think that middle school students are a unique demographic in themselves. One study I read was pretty damming with regard to teen values. The title of the article in fact was “Teenagers' Values: More Materialistic, Less Interested In Work Than Ever (Twenge J 2013)

http://understandingteenagers.com.au/blog/2010/11/what-this-generation-of-teenagers-value/

What is value to the student-athlete?

If we consider the student-athletes in my Physical Education classes the value they receive is to experience a variety of different sports, both mainstream and recreational, in a fun, relaxed but structured environment. It is my understanding from what I have heard, that many elementary school teachers run a very minimalistic PE program because they lack the confidence and/or desire to teach Physical Education and at the high school level (at least in California) if a student is in any school sports team they are not required to do PE. Therefore…..for many of our youth, middle school may be the only chance they get to be exposed to a wide variety of sports. Additional to a variety of sporting experiences students get to develop a number of skills relating to teamwork and tolerance that will benefit them in all facets of life.

What should our (your sports team) mission be?

As far as my middle school students are concerned they do form teams for each of the major sports units we go through, those being volleyball, basketball, flag football and soccer. Once they have their teams together we run a sport education based unit whereby each team member has a role within the team. The roles vary from manager though to trainer, equipment officer, captain and coach. Their mission is to work together, allowing each member to do their role, (support from others is allowed but taking over someone else’s job is not) which eventually gives them autonomy over their lesson and ownership of their success.

How much of a transactional coach are you? How much of a transformational coach are you? Explain how you came to this conclusion.

I would consider myself to be 85% transformational and 15% transactional. In fact I think that this ratio was very similar even when I was a player, to my own detriment. When I consider some of the most successful players in my sport, they exhibit many of the ‘driver’ characteristics. They wanted to make the decisions, they possessed controlling spirits and they put results first. I understand that this article was written with coaches in mind, and success as an athlete may require more of a transactional approach, but I though that was an interesting observation. Sometimes I wonder if I could be a little more effective as a coach if I exhibited a little more of a driver leadership style. As a Physical Education teacher, with up to 60 students in a class, it was critical for me to adopt many of the transformational approach characteristics. In order to survive I needed to develop a system that allowed me to move away from micromanaging my students. Adopting a sport education philosophy (that shares many of the characteristics of Transformative leadership) allowed me to build a system and get the students involved in the running of their own lessons, tackle and solve their own problems as a team and develop leadership through the roles that they each had within their team.

Why do I coach?

As described in the coaching philosophy assignment for my masters program, there are a number of reasons why I coach.

• Coaching offers me a chance to make a positive impact on kids, and in particular those that really need it. Personally, I was one of those kids that was on the ‘fringes’ and I credit sport for giving me self esteem and focus and the motivation to make positive choices within my life.

• Coaching gives me self-esteem when I feel like my opinion is respected and sought after in the beach volleyball community.

• Coaching allows me to make a living and support my family.

• Coaching gets me outdoors and in the sun where Season Affective Disorder has less chance to get me down.

• Coaching is a vehicle with which I can connect with my kids.

• Coaching is a way to meet like-minded people and expand my circle of friends.

• Coaching provides me with challenges, which I enjoy facing.

• Coaching allows me to connect with the community and feel like I belong.

• Coaching is a way for me to give back to the sport that has given me so much.

Why do I coach the way I do?

It has been said that people coach the way they were coached as they grew up (Kessell 2009) and in some ways I would agree with that statement. I do however think that a significant factor in way you coach is your overall personality and the way you deal with people. As I have done more study and research around motor learning and skill development my coaching style has changed significantly. I now coach very differently than I did 10 years ago.

Kessell, J., (2009). USA Volleyball. We Coach the Way We Were Coached. http://www.teamusa.org/USA-Volleyball/Features/2009/August/26/We-Coach-the-Way-We-Were-Coached.aspx

What does it feel like to be coached by me?

I am not sure – that is a good question. I hope for my athletes that it feels like I care about them number 1.

Secondly, I also feel that I have a good knowledge of the game so I hope that my athletes feel like they are getting quality instruction.

Thirdly, I also try to make my trainings fun because I believe that for any athlete to get the best out of themselves in the long run they have to be passionate and enjoy the sport. Consequently, I hope that my athletes feel like they are in an environment that enables them to enjoy the moment.

How do I define success?

Success for me is largely defined by my ability to enrich others lives through the medium of beach volleyball. The difficult thing is that ‘enrichment’ is different for every person that I coach. For most of the adults I coach it is not about their win loss record as many of them are well beyond their competitive years. It is however about them getting out, getting exercise, meeting new people and learning a novel and new skill (which is something that as adults we don’t get the chance to do all that often) If I feel that I have accomplished the above then I feel successful.

There are other factors that define success for me, each one specific to the many coaching roles I undertake. For example with my beach volleyball drill book, success will be defined by the number I sell, not because it is a financial goal but it is a

reflection on the number of people I can help with their coaching and the impact I have had on the beach volleyball community and sport as a whole.