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T H E G I R L W H O F E L LT H R O U G H A H O L E I N

H E R S W E A T E R

N A O M I W A l L a C E & B R U C E M C L E O D

B R O A D W A Y P L A Y P U B L I S H I N G I N C

In this witty adventure for young audiences by MacArthur “genius” award winner Naomi Wallace, a young girl called Noil finds herself in a strange new place, and must accomplish three and a half magical tasks before she can return home. Noil is clever and resourceful, and with some assistance from a singing narrator and a talking roach, she emerges from the hole in her sweater in time for breakfast.

This play can be performed with as few as seven actors, and several roles are suitable for male or female performers.

Naomi Wallace’s other plays include THE FEVER CHART, IN THE HEART OF AMERICA, ONE FLEA SPARE, SLAUGHTER CITY, THE TRESTLE AT POPE LICK CREEK and THE WAR BOYS.

cover art by Bruce McLeod

THE GIRLWHO FELLTHROUGH

A HOLEIN HER

SWEATER

Naomi Wallace &Bruce McLeod

BROADWAY PLAY PUBLISHING INC224 E 62nd St, NY NY 10065-8201212 772-8334 fax: 212 772-8358

http://www.BroadwayPlayPubl.com

THE GIRL WHO FELL THROUGH A HOLE IN HERSWEATER© Copyright 2003 by Naomi Wallace & Bruce McLeod

All rights reserved. This work is fully protected underthe copyright laws of the United States of America.No part of this publication may be photocopied,reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted,in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,recording, or otherwise, without the prior permissionof the publisher. Additional copies of this play areavailable from the publisher.

Written permission is required for live performance ofany sort. This includes readings, cuttings, scenes, andexcerpts. For amateur and stock performances, pleasecontact Broadway Play Publishing Inc. For all otherrights please contact the author c/o B P P I.

1st printing: Nov 2005; 2nd printing: Apr 2011I S B N: 978-0-88145-297-6

Book design: Marie DonovanWord processing: Microsoft Word for WindowsTypographic controls: Xerox Ventura Publisher 2.0 P ETypeface: PalatinoCopy editing: Sue GiladPrinted on recycled acid-free paper and bound in theU S A

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Naomi Wallace is from Kentucky. Her play TRESTLEAT POPE LICK CREEK, was produced at Actor’sTheater of Louisville in 1998, then New York TheaterWorkshop in 1999, and the Travers Theater ofEdinburgh, Scotland and the Southwark Theater ofLondon in 2002 and 2003 respectively. THE INLANDSEA premiered in London in 2002, produced bythe Oxford Stage Company. Her short play, THERETREATING WORLD, has been produced inLondon, Amsterdam, Germany and France and willbe published in American Theater’s anniversary issuein 2003.

Her play ONE FLEA SPARE was commissioned andproduced in October 1995 by the Bush Theater inLondon. It received its American premiere at theHumana Festival and was awarded the 1996 SusanSmith Blackburn Prize, the 1996 Fellowship of SouthernWriters Drama Award, the 1996 Kesselring Prize, andthe 1997 Obie Award for best play.

BIRDY, an adaptation for the stage of WilliamWharton’s novel, opened on the West End in Londonat The Comedy Theater in March 1997, and will beproduced in New York in the fall of 2003. SLAUGHTERCITY was awarded the 1995 Mobil Prize and receivedits world premiere in January 1996 at the RoyalShakespeare Company. IN THE HEART OF AMERICAreceived its world premiere at the Bush andsubsequently was produced at The Long Wharf Theater

and in Dortmund, Germany. It was published inAmerican Theater magazine and was awarded the1995 Susan Smith Blackburn Prize. Her plays arepublished in Great Britain by Faber and Faber.

Wallace was a 1999 recipient of the prestigiousMacArthur Fellowship, the grant popularly knownas the “genius” award.

A published poet in both England and in The UnitedStates, she has also received grants from The KentuckyFoundation for Women and The Kentucky ArtsCouncil, and a 1997 N E A grant for poetry. Her bookof poetry, To Dance A Stony Field, was published in theUnited Kingdom.

Her film Lawn Dogs, produced by Duncan Kenworthy,has won numerous film awards.

At present, Wallace is under commission by the GuthrieTheater, and National Theater of Britain. With herpartner, Bruce McLeod, she is adapting MichaelOndaatje’s In the Skin of a Lion for Serendipity Films,and The Golden Warrior (on the battle of Hastings) forYoung Films.

Bruce McLeod was born in Scotland. After earninghis doctorate at the University of Iowa, he publishedThe Geography of Empire in English Literature, 1580-1745with Cambridge University Press (1999).

He has co-written one other play, IN THE SWEAT(Faber), with Naomi Wallace as well as a number filmscripts.

CHARACTERS & SETTING

NOIL, a young girlCRUMBS-IN-POCKET (C P), the narrator and musicianLORD PRINCIPAL PLAGUEWORTHY (P P), the Lord of theCastleROACH, LORD P P’s loyal servantTHE MIRRORTHE WINDOWS & DOORS (can be played by one person ormany persons)ITNOSE

Setting: at the end of the hole in NOIL’s sweater

Time: now

(Onto the bare stage stumbles NOIL with an enormoussweater over her head. We only see half of her body asher upper half is caught and covered by the sweater.She struggles with the sweater, trying to pull it over herhead. We now hear her PARENTS’ VOICES telling her tohurry up and finish dressing or she’ll be late for school.As NOIL struggles, she becomes very frustrated.)

NOILAaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggghhh! I can’t get this horriblesweater over my head! I can’t do it! I can’t do it! I feelso mad! I hate getting dressed! Everyone yelling for meto hurry up, hurry up!

PARENTS’ VOICESHurry up Noil! We’re waiting for you!

NOIL(Stands still a moment with the sweater still hiding her face)See what I mean? (Begins struggling again) I feel sostupid stuck in here like this. Stupid, stupid, stupid.How am I going to figure a way out? Hey? What’s this?There’s a hole in my sweater. A big hole in my sweater.And it’s getting bigger. And bigger. (Beat) What’s inthat big hole? Oooooooops.

(Lights fade. We hear NOIL’s voice in the dark.)

NOILI’m falling. Falling. Falling.

(We hear a large thud. Then silence. Lights up on NOILsitting sprawled on the stage. The sweater is gone.)

NOILI fell.

(The narrator, CRUMBS-IN-POCKET, has appeared.)

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET(Sings) Once upon a time a childwhile getting dressed for schoolfell through a hole in a jacket

NOILNot a jacket, you! It was a sweater. I fell through asweater.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET(Sings) Once upon a time a child while getting dressedfor school fell through a hole in a sweater

NOILRight.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET(Sings) Well, this child was a boy child and he

NOIL(Interrupts) Wait a minute

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET(Sings) And this boy, he went

NOILA girl! This child was a girl. (Spells) G-I-R-L.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETA girl?

NOILRight.

2 THE GIRL WHO FELL THROUGH A HOLE...

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

Excuse me, but this is a magical adventure story andadventure stories are supposed to be about boys.

NOIL

Who says?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

Well, I’m not sure. (To public) That’s what I was toldby...by...by someone very important out there.

NOIL

Do you believe everything you’re told?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

Yes...I mean no...of course not.

NOIL

Right. Let’s start again. I fell through the hole, not mybrother, so this story is about me.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

And me. So you have to guess my name. Hint: I have acousin named bread. I was born in a pocket. I sprinkleall over the table and floor when you eat.

NOIL

Hmmm...Crumbs?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

That’s half of my name. The rest is in my (Nears publicand pulls at his pockets) I bet you can’t guess!?

NOIL

Pockets? Crumbsinpockets. That’s your name.

Naomi Wallace & Bruce McLeod 3

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

Hello. That’s me. My sister’s name isCrumbsincupboard. My brother’s nameis Crumbsinbed.

NOIL

Aren’t you a bit...large to be a Crumbsinpockets?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

I was the crumbs in the pockets of a Giant.

NOIL

Oh. Are there giants here?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

(Speaks with terror) Oh yes. Lots of them, and other scarybeasties and things that hiss and spew and slither andslobber and scratch and spit.

(Begins laughing meanly. NOIL backs away from him.)

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

So you better get on home, girlie. You’re wasting mytime. Send your brother my way. Then I can get on withthis story.

NOIL

Look. I’m here and I’m all you’ve got and if you don’twant to use me in your story you can go stuff yourcrumbs in whose ever pockets you choose becauseI’m leaving.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

So what’s your name?

NOIL

Lion. Spelled backwards.


CRUMBS-IN-POCKET(Strums and sings) Once upon a timethere was a girl namedLion-spelled-backwards.

NOILLion spelled backwards is N.o.i.l. My name is Noil.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETWell, Noil, if you’re going to be in this adventure youbetter get started. You’ll have to find your way home.

NOILI know. But how?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETThrough the magic door.

NOILHow do I find the magic door?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETAh. That’s the adventure. And this is going to be a verydark, decomposing, dastardly, dimply adventure.

NOILAnd dangerous?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETMaybe you should quit.

NOILHow else am I going to get home?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETAlright. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

(He strums wildly. Then we hear boots marching, heavily.NOIL is frightened and hides.)


NOILWhat’s that sound?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETThat sound? Scared are you?

ROACH(We hear ROACH’s voice commanding off-stage)Tock-tick, tock-tick, tock-tick.

(CRUMBS-IN-POCKET, suddenly scared, hides behind NOIL.WINDOWS and DOORS enter marching and pulling a largeclock behind them.)

NOIL(To C P) Isn’t that clock moving a bit fast?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETTime flies.

ROACH(Off-stage) Tock-tick. Tock-tick. Faster! Faster! Tock-tick.

NOILTock-tick?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETTock-tick.

NOILIsn’t it tick-tock?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETNot for these soldiers.

NOILWhy are they marching? They don’t seem very happy.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETAsk them?


NOIL

(Comes out of hiding) Why are you marching?

(The DOORS and WINDOWS keep marching and don’t hearher. She has to dodge them so they don’t march over her.)

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET(Comes out of hiding) You see? You’re not forcefulenough. Where’s your brother?

NOIL(Shouts) Hey you bundle of wood and nails. Noil istalking to you.

(DOORS and WINDOWS screech to a halt, banging andclanking into each other.)

NOILThat’s better. Now who are you and why are youmarching and pulling that clock?

DOOR ONE

We’re the doors

WINDOW ONEand windows

DOOR TWO

That must march

WINDOW TWOas Lord P P commands.

DOOR ONEP P stole us. Says he owns us.

WINDOW ONE

He tore us from our fixtures.


WINDOW TWORipped us away from our sills, stole our views.

DOOR TWOBroke our knockers and bells.

WINDOW TWOWe’ll probably end up as firewood.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETStop feeling sorry for yourselves. Noil is here to freeyou.

NOILWait a minute. Why do I have to free them? My parentstold me never to stick my nose into other people’sbusiness.

DOOR ONESo you won’t help us?

NOILSorry. I have to work on getting home.

WINDOW TWOShe won’t help us.

(The WINDOWS and DOORS begin weeping and wailing,C P cries too.)

DOOR ONE(To public) Isn’t this a sad story? Come on, cry with us.No. No. Don’t laugh. Cry! Boo-hoo. Come on. Boo-hoo.

NOILPlease. Stop crying. (Shouts) Stop! (Silence) I’m sorryyou’re sad. But it’s not my business. Here. Let me dryyour...window panes...and knobs. (She wipes their tears.)Please. Tell us your story.


(WINDOWS and DOORS sing the Song of Serving andObedience. C P accompanies them with his guitar.)

ALL WINDOWS & DOORS

March, March, MarchThe windows and doors marchThe Big question isWhy do they march so much?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

(Speaks) It’s really quite simple. Listen up. Hup two,three, four.

ALL WINDOWS & DOORS

(Continue singing)March, March, MarchWe must do as we’re toldWe must feed P P’s fire,Because he’s always cold!

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

(Speaks) How do you get people to do as they’re told?Keep them marching. Hup, two, three, four.

ALL WINDOWS & DOORS

(Continue) March, March, MarchRaise the flags higherIf you don’t do as you’re toldYou’ll end up on the fire.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

(Sings) If you do what you’re told, you’ll end up on thefire.

(We hear the sound of a whip. ROACH enters, carrying aslap-stick which he or she uses to keep the DOORS andWINDOWS marching.)


ROACH

Tock-tick. Tock-tick. Hey, what’s going on here,for bugs’ sake? You’re not allowed to stop marching.Not ever. The clock must turn. Tock-tick, tock-tick.That’s it, you wood brains. I’ve got a good mind to feedyou to the termites. (Notices public) Ah ha. What havewe here? More troops to turn the clock? Hmmmm.A funny set of doors and windows you are. Where’syour glass? Where are your knobs? Well, never mind,as long as you can labor for my Lord I don’t care whatyou look like. Well, don’t just sit there. (Shouts) March!(Slaps the stick) You all now belong to Lord Principal!

NOIL

(Smacks ROACH on the head) Hey you, what do you thinkyou’re doing shouting at my friends? You shouldn’tbe snapping your stick at them but thanking them forcoming here to sit and watch you, you mean, horrible,little...What are you?

ROACH

(Sings) More beautiful than a rose I amAs nimble as a beeMy voice is sweet as honeyAnd everyone loves me.

NOIL

Are you some kind of a beetle?

ROACH

Some kind of a beetle? How insulting! (Sings)I crawl by night, I crawl by dayI never take a coachI glisten in the moonlightI am the majestic


CRUMBS-IN-POCKETRoach. He’s.... She’s...it’s a roach. If she weren’t so bigI’d squash her under my boot.

NOILAren’t you a bit large for a roach?

ROACHI have to be big otherwise people like him would stepon me.

NOILBut why are you forcing the windows and doors tomarch? Can’t you see they’re unhappy?

ROACH(Circling NOIL) My, my. You are a bold girl, aren’t you?Have you ever thought of marrying an insect, settlingdown, raising a few bugs?

NOILWho do you work for?

ROACHAh, yes. I work for THE Lord, THE master, the Big Bug.(Slaps her stick at the WINDOWS and DOORS) You! Get inline!

NOILHey! Why don’t you just let them go?

ROACHSorry. I can’t do it. If I don’t do what my Lord sayshe’ll stick a pin, a long shiny pin, right here, throughmy belly, and pin me to his wall with all the other bugswho rebelled. Grumbly grasshopper rebelled. Now he’sin a glass box. Catarra Caterpillar rebelled and now heuses her body as a pin cushion.


NOILYou are a coward, Roach.

ROACHYes. I am.

NOILI don’t like cowards.

ROACHNo one does. I haven’t a friend in the world. My ownfamily spits on my feelers when they pass.

NOILIt serves you right.

ROACHBut at least I have a stick! (Cracks it) And I can makethings tock and I can make things tick. Get movingyou pile of splinters!

(Herds the WINDOWS and DOORS)

ROACHTake your complaints to my Lord. I’ve got work to doand time to turn.

(ROACH marches WINDOWS and DOORS off the stage,slapping her stick and shouting her tock-ticks. She slapsC P and NOIL on the bottom on her way out.)

NOILI should talk to this Lord. Maybe he can tell me wherethe magic door is.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETYou’ll have to call his magic name.

NOILWhat’s his magic name?


CRUMBS-IN-POCKETP P

NOILP P?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETYes. Lord P P.

NOIL(Calls) Lord P P Where are you?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETNot like that. Like this: Loooooorrrrrrrrrddddddd P P,P P, P P, P P, P P, P P, P P P!

NOILHe’s not coming. Maybe we’re not loud enough.Do you think they might help?

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETNo harm in trying.

NOIL(To public) Listen, I need to see Lord P P because hehas got the windows and doors enslaved and I have totell him to set them free. Could you help me call him?Like this: Loooooorrrrddddd P P, P P, P P, P P, P P, P P!Ready? Looooooorrrrrrdddddddddd P P, P P, P P, P P,P P, P P, P P, P P P!!

(There is a crash and thunder, lights. LORD P P enters, inquasi-military dress, followed by a figure dressed as MIRROR.The MIRROR will stand to the side of P P and imitate P P’sgestures, just as a mirror would.)

P PWhat? Who? Where? (Booming voice) Who called medown here? It’s freezing!


NOIL & C P(In their fear they point to the public) They did!

P PYou did? (Now speaks gently to public) Hello. Hello.My name is Lord Principal Plagueworthy. Some peoplecall me Lord P P. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.Brrrr. It’s freezing here.

NOILExcuse me, but I need to ask you to—

P P(Interrupts) Please. I don’t like questions. Don’t yourealize who I am? I am very important and very rich.In short, I am... (Takes out a sign that has V-I-R-P writtenon it) ...what you see written here.

(He hands the sign to NOIL.)

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETA VIRP?

NOILWhat’s a VIRP?

P PNot a VIRP. A V-I-R-P. A Very Important Rich Person.This is my mirror. (He blows on the MIRROR and polishes itwith his sleeve.) Whenever I forget how important I am,which happens quite often in fact, I just look into mymirror and see my important face and I am importantonce more. My father, Lord Potty PestilentPlagueworthy—that’s three Ps—when he died heleft me all of this. I own everything, from my castleup there, right down to the pebbles under your feet,including the people, their houses, their children’spotties. (Snatches the guitar from C P) That’s mine too.Everything in its proper place; that’s two P’s. Yes. I


have a big job. A really big job. Do you know why?Because I have to spend all my time convincing peoplelike these that it’s fair! (Begins to cry)

NOIL

Why are you crying?

P PWhenever I speak about myself I’m moved to tears.

NOIL

I’m sorry.

P PHa! You certainly will be. You’re just like the others.That’s my problem. I call it my Pesky People Problem.That’s three Ps. (Beat) You, Crumbsinsocks,Crumbsinclocks, whatever your name is, hangingabout and doing nothing all day, get down on yourhands and knees and act this story out for me or I’llfeed your guitar to the fire. (To MIRROR) You too!

(C P and MIRROR get down on all fours and act out P P’s lines, which may be miming the action of the words,which are spoken, rather than sung.)

P PThe people cut the woodThey sow the crops, just like they shouldThey harvest their laborThey hammer and glueIt’s all very hard work and backbreaking tooThey sweat and sweat and sweatand I get and get and get(P P tears a button from C P’s shirt.)Whatever they make. Hmmm. Nice button. It’s notunfair. In my very important opinion, I’m always coldand getting colder all the time. I need tons of wood to


keep my fire burning. My fireplace is as big as a house!Since I’ve chopped down all the trees in my forest

NOIL

You’ve started using the windows and doors askindling.

P PExactly. And now the Pesky People are complainingthat they’re freezing because I’ve taken all theirwindows and doors. (To public) Hey, what are youall staring at, you preposterous pip-squeaks. I’vea mind to get you all marching. Yes, yes. Lots oftroublesome little pesky people out there. Stronglittle legs! Hmmmm. Maybe...

NOIL

Look here, Lord P P, the doors and windows aren’tyours. Thief! (She bumps him on the nose.)

P POh my. Another rebel. But, you’re not a boy.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

That’s what I said.

P PNo. You’re a girl. A rebellious girl. Doubly dangerous.Maybe even triply dangerous. (To C P) What’s hername?

(NOIL shakes her head for C P not to tell.)

CRUMBS-IN-POCKET

I’ll tell you if I can have my guitar back.

(P P snaps his fingers and the MIRROR gives the guitar back.)


CRUMBS-IN-POCKETNoil. Her name is Noil. (To NOIL) Sorry, but I can’t singwithout my guitar.

P PNoil. That’s lion, spelled backwards. I like it. Well, Noil,if you’re a girl then you must marry.

(Suddenly drops to his knees, MIRROR does the same,imitating him.)

P PWill you, Noil, marry me, Lord PrincipalPlagueworthy? You will have gold and diamonds.You will have an enormous castle to live in, to sweepand clean. You will have an enormous oven to cook in.

NOILAre you crazy?

P PI beg your pardon?

NOILI wouldn’t marry you if you were the last P P on earth!

P PBut you can’t say no. I’m rich and important, etcetera,etcetera, remember?

NOILI’ve got better things to do than wear your jewels andsweep your kitchen.

P PBut all girls want to marry.

NOILWho says so?


C P & P PWho says so? (They each point at the other) He did!

NOILLook. I fell through a hole in my sweater and I’m latefor school. I have to find the magic door so I can gethome. I’m an adventurer, not a marryer.

P PThen I’ll just have to throw you on my fire with the restof the rebels.

CRUMBS-IN-POCKETCome on, Noil. All adventure stories end with the girlgetting married off.

P PI’ll let you stare into my mirror all day long....You know. “Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who’sthe fairest” and all that sort of thing.

NOILNo.

P PIn twenty-four tock-ticks I’ll be back for your answer.I’ll marry you or use you for kindling. Either way is finewith me. BBBBrrrrrrr. I’m freezing. Come along, mirror.It’s time for your polish.

(P P exits. The MIRROR remains, weeping.)

NOILWhy are you crying?

MIRRORBecause I don’t have a face. Everyone has a face but me.Look. What do you see when you look at me?


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