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TRANSCRIPT
Sally Sells Seashells
By
Jonathan Mayer
Copyright © 2010
Copyright © 2010 by Jonathan Mayer
All rights reserved
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CHARACTER LIST
SALLY
DREW
PAPA
FRANK
MICKEY
BETTY
REVEREND
REVEREND’S WIFE
MISTY
MRS. TINDLE
MRS. TRUMAN
MRS. TRUMBELL
MRS. TUTTLE
CUSTOMERS
PRODUCTION NOTES
Many roles, such as all the customers, are gender flexible (e.g.
Mrs. Tindle could become Mr. Tindle). The roles that are not
gender flexible may still be played by someone of a different
gender. For example, Papa, Frank, and Mickey could be played by
females. A twist like that could add to the comedy.
STAGE LAYOUT
One possible stage layout is to have the shop on one side of the
stage, the house on the other side, and the beach scenes on the
downstage/apron. This would allow for fast scene transitions.
(SHOP) (HOUSE)
(BEACH)
_____________________________________
(AUDIENCE)
Sally Sells Seashells 1.
SCENE 1
Lights rise on a beach shop. There is
a checkout counter with a logo above
it saying “Sally’s Seashells.”
Pictures of the beach and seashells
adorn the walls. One can hear the
quiet waves of the beach in the open-
air store. In the shop, there are
shelves and shelves of seashells. The
shop has a very upbeat feel to it.
CUSTOMERS happily peruse the assorted
seashells and talk amongst themselves.
SALLY, 18, wears a pretty beach dress
and manages the shop. Her pretty
blonde hair and shining smile make her
akin to walking sunshine. She lights
up the room with her good-spirit and
friendliness. Presently, she walks
around the store helping people. She
sees MRS. TINDLE, a shy elderly woman.
SALLY
Hi, Mrs. Tindle. Can I help you with anything?
MRS. TINDLE
Oh hi, Sally. I’m just browsing, not sure exactly what I’m
looking for today.
SALLY
I’m sure you’ll know it when you see it.
MRS. TINDLE
I hope so.
SALLY
We just got some Sozon’s cones in.
Sally Sells Seashells 2.
MRS. TINDLE
Freshly picked, I bet.
SALLY
Yep, you know it.
MRS. TINDLE
Where are they?
SALLY
They’re right here.
She points to some shells.
MRS. TINDLE
Oh, they’re beautiful.
SALLY
The patterns are really special, I think.
MRS. TINDLE
I’ve never seen those colors before on a cone.
SALLY
I think they’d go very well with the conches in your
collection.
MRS. TINDLE
They would. Thank you, Sally.
The REVEREND, the REVEREND’s WIFE, and
their teenage daughter, MISTY, come up
to SALLY as MRS. TINDLE continues
browsing on her own. The REVEREND’s
WIFE is much bigger than her husband.
Also, the REVEREND’s WIFE and MISTY
are dressed much more ostentatiously.
Sally Sells Seashells 3.
REVEREND’S WIFE
(pointing to a seashell
necklace)
Sally, do you think this necklace would go good with Misty’s
skin tone?
SALLY
Hm, let me take a look.
SALLY holds up the necklace and looks
at MISTY.
SALLY
I think it does go well.
REVEREND’S WIFE
Misty goes well with jewel tones. Unfortunately, she gets
her complexion from her father.
REVEREND
Dear --
REVEREND’S WIFE
(to SALLY)
So you think it wouldn’t clash with her tones?
SALLY
No, if anything, I think the brown in the shells helps bring
out her eyes. They look very pretty.
REVEREND’S WIFE
Oh really?
SALLY
Yes.
MISTY
Let’s get it, Mom. Sally knows her stuff.
Sally Sells Seashells 4.
REVEREND’S WIFE
Maybe we could get one for school and one for more formal
occasions.
MISTY
Yeah, that’s probably good.
REVEREND
Dear, we only came here to buy one --
REVEREND’S WIFE
Hush, Tom. Misty, which two would you like?
Defeated and too afraid to start
anything, the REVEREND shrugs. SALLY
sympathizes with him:
SALLY
(to REVEREND)
Don’t worry, Reverend, our seashells come with a certified
quality guarantee, so all customers are guaranteed to be
satisfied with our shells. They’re the ocean’s finest.
REVEREND
I’m sure they are --
REVEREND’S WIFE
Don’t worry, Sally. These shells are just marvelous. Here,
Misty try these on.
SALLY goes on to the next customer,
MRS. TRUMAN. She is a young
housewife.
SALLY
Hi, Mrs. Truman. Can I help you with anything?
MRS. TRUMAN
Well, I’m looking for a gift for my friend. You have any
recommendations?
Sally Sells Seashells 5.
SALLY
It all depends on the occasion.
(pointing)
These shells over here are perfect for a birthday. We have
different ones with different shades to match all the
different birthstones. I’m guessing you’d probably want a
green peridot tint for your friend.
MRS. TRUMAN
Well, it’s actually not her birthday. She’s moving into her
first beach house tomorrow and I’d like to get her something
to commemorate it.
SALLY
Oh, I see. A housewarming seashell, hm ... I think I have
something that might do the trick.
SALLY takes MRS. TRUMAN to another
shelf. She holds up a large seashell.
SALLY
See how symmetrical it is?
MRS. TRUMAN
I do.
SALLY
It would be perfect for a display, perhaps above a doorway.
We could also get it engraved with the date of her move-in if
you’d like.
MRS. TRUMAN
That would be wonderful. That’s a great idea.
SALLY
Would you like me to ring it up for you?
MRS. TRUMAN
Yes, thank you.
Sally Sells Seashells 6.
SALLY and MRS. TRUMAN walk over to the
checkout counter as BETTY BOTTER, 18,
enters. BETTY is a tomboy wearing a
baking apron. She is also SALLY’s
best friend. She walks over to the
checkout counter.
BETTY
Hey, Sally. Hey, Mrs. Truman.
SALLY
Hey, Betty.
MRS. TRUMAN
Betty Botter, how are you?
BETTY
Doing all right, thanks.
MRS. TRUMAN
I see you’re following in your mother’s footsteps, huh?
BETTY
Yep.
MRS. TRUMAN hands SALLY some money for
the seashell.
MRS. TRUMAN
Those are some big shoes to fill. Bootie Botter’s Baked
Bliss.
BETTY
I know, that’s the problem.
MRS. TRUMAN
I just love her cookies.
BETTY
My mom just put out a fresh batch. You should get some.
Sally Sells Seashells 7.
MRS. TRUMAN
I think I will.
SALLY
You’re all set, Mrs. Truman. I should have it all ready for
you by tomorrow morning.
MRS. TRUMAN
Thank you, Sally. It was good seeing you.
SALLY
Good seeing you too.
MRS. TRUMAN
It was nice seeing you, Betty. I think I’ll stop next door
and try some of those amazing cookies.
BETTY
Sounds good.
MRS. TRUMAN
Bye.
BETTY
Bye.
MRS. TRUMAN exits.
SALLY
The baking’s not going so good?
BETTY
Nope.
SALLY
I’m sorry.
Sally Sells Seashells 8.
BETTY
Oh, it’s OK. I’m not even sure what the problem is. I’m not
sure if it’s the butter, or the butter in the batter, or the
batter without the butter.
SALLY
Betty Botter, it sounds like you’ve got a mess.
BETTY
I do.
SALLY
Why don’t you get your mom or sisters to help?
BETTY
I want to be able to say I made it all myself. Just for
once, you know?
SALLY
Oh, I see.
(beat)
Betty Botter’s Baked Bliss. That’s got a nice ring to it
too.
BETTY
It does. But I have to be able to bake something first, you
know.
SALLY
I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
BETTY
I hope so.
(beat)
So you talked to your family about going away to school yet?
SALLY
Not yet. I’m waiting for the right time.
BETTY laughs.
Sally Sells Seashells 9.
BETTY
You’ve been waiting for months.
SALLY
I know. It just hasn’t felt right yet.
BETTY
Well, you know best, Sally.
SALLY
You think I should ask them?
BETTY
Now’s as good as ever.
SALLY
You’re probably right.
(beat)
All right, I’m gonna do it.
BETTY
There ya go.
SALLY
Tonight.
BETTY
Tonight.
SALLY
OK.
BETTY
And hopefully I’ll get my recipe figured out tonight too.
SALLY
Great, we’ve both got something to work on.
Sally Sells Seashells 10.
BETTY
(heading out)
See you later, Sally. Good luck!
SALLY
You too!
MRS. TINDLE comes over to the checkout
counter.
SALLY
Are you all set, Mrs. Tindle?
MRS. TINDLE
Yes, I am.
SALLY
I see you’re going with the cone after all.
MRS. TINDLE
Yes, I think it is a good choice.
SALLY
(smiling)
I think so too.
Lights fade as SALLY processes MRS.
TINDLE’s payment.
SCENE 2
Lights rise on a small house. It is
separated into two parts by a doorway.
In one half of the house, there is a
sofa, recliner, and a mannequin
wearing a fancy red dress and matching
hat.
Sally Sells Seashells 11.
In the other half of the house, there
is a table with chairs, It is poorly
lit, creating a shady atmosphere for
that part of the house. Sitting
around the table are PAPA, FRANK, and
MICKEY. They are all dressed in
typical 1920’s gangster garb: pin-
striped black suit, black shoes,
dickey, white tie, and hat. PAPA
smokes a cigar. PAPA is the rotund,
patriarch of the family. FRANK is the
oldest son, who aspires to be the next
PAPA. MICKEY is the stupid but
lovable younger son. All three have
dark hair and are the polar opposite
of SALLY. They are counting money
when SALLY enters the house. MICKEY’s
the first one to notice. Everyone
greets SALLY. She sits down at the
table.
PAPA
You’re running a bit late, aren’t you?
SALLY
Yeah, sorry, we had a lot of customers today.
FRANK
You’re too generous, Sally. I’d of kicked ‘em out right at
five, you know what I’m saying?
SALLY
(laughing)
Well, I don’t want to insult any customers.
SALLY sits down next to MICKEY.
Sally Sells Seashells 12.
PAPA
Sally’s too nice for that, Frank.
(pointing to the mannequin)
She’s got a lot of her mother in her. God rest her soul.
MICKEY
(scratching his head)
Wait, Ma’s been hiding in Sally this whole time?
They all give him a confused look.
MICKEY grabs hold of SALLY and starts
shaking her.
MICKEY
Come out, Ma!
SALLY
(breaking free)
No, Mickey. Papa meant I act a lot like Mom.
MICKEY
Oh, sorry.
SALLY
It’s OK.
PAPA
All right, let’s get down to business.
FRANK
Let’s.
MICKEY
Let’s.
FRANK gives MICKEY a dirty look for
copying him.
Sally Sells Seashells 13.
PAPA
Now Cousin Maury reported that there’s been some “unrest” on
the eastern part of town. I’m thinking we might need to
check things out.
FRANK
That sounds good to me.
PAPA
I’m putting Alfredo and Remmi on this one.
FRANK
They’re thorough. They’ll do a good job.
MICKEY
Oh yeah, Remmi’s a good guy. He once loaned me two bucks.
PAPA
That’s good, Mickey. The other piece of business is we’re
getting a shipment this weekend.
MICKEY
Oh, what kind of shipment? Is it somethin’ fun? Or maybe
food?
PAPA
No, it’s arms.
MICKEY
Ew, that’s gross.
FRANK
No, not those type of arms, Mickey.
PAPA
So we’re gonna need an envoy.
FRANK
I can do it.
Sally Sells Seashells 14.
PAPA
You wanna do it, Frank?
MICKEY
I can do it too, Papa. I’ve always been interested in the
human body.
PAPA
All right, you two’s will be in charge. I’ll give you a team
to help make sure everything goes smoothly.
FRANK
We won’t let you down, Papa.
PAPA
All right, that’s everything. I guess we’ll adjourn.
SALLY
(shyly)
Oh, um ...
PAPA
Sally, is there something you wanted to say?
SALLY
Yes, Papa. I, um ...
PAPA
Well, just say it.
SALLY
I was thinking about going away to school next month.
PAPA
Huh?
SALLY
I think I’m old enough to go get an education. That’s what
everyone else my age is doing.
Sally Sells Seashells 15.
FRANK
Sally ...
PAPA
But Sally, you know we need you here.
SALLY
We could hire someone else to run the shop.
PAPA
You know we can’t. We can’t trust anyone outside the family.
SALLY
Then we could just close down the shop.
PAPA
But you love the seashells.
SALLY
I do, I do, but I also want to be able to leave and get an
education.
PAPA
Sally, we can’t close the shop. You know it’s our “shell.”
SALLY
I know, it’s our “shell.”
PAPA
We need the non-profit cover-up so people don’t suspect
anything. And don’t forget all the tax deductions it gives
us!
SALLY
I know, I know.
FRANK
We need the store.
Sally Sells Seashells 16.
PAPA
We can’t get rid of the shop, Sally. We need you here. I’m
sorry. Everybody’s gotta do their share.
SALLY
(sadly)
OK ...
PAPA
All right, meetin’ adjourned.
Lights fade.
SCENE 3
Lights rise on the shop. New
CUSTOMERS browse the seashells in the
store. As SALLY finishes checking
someone out, BETTY enters and comes to
the counter.
SALLY
Hey, Betty.
BETTY
Hey, Sally. How’d it go?
SALLY
How’d what go?
BETTY
You know, with your family?
SALLY
Well, it didn’t go quite as planned.
BETTY
What happened?
Sally Sells Seashells 17.
SALLY
Well, we were having a family meeting --
BETTY
You know, your family is the only family I know of who has
those weekly family meetings.
SALLY
I know, my family’s a little unusual.
BETTY
Yeah.
SALLY
But anyway, we were having the meeting, and I brought up my
going away to school.
BETTY
What did they say?
SALLY
They said I can’t, because I have to stay here to run the
shop.
BETTY
But you won’t become a marine biologist here.
SALLY
Yeah, I know.
BETTY
Well that stinks.
SALLY
Yeah, but there’s not much I can do.
BETTY
Well maybe they’ll change their minds.
Sally Sells Seashells 18.
SALLY
They tend to be pretty stubborn once they’ve made up their
minds.
BETTY
At least you tried.
SALLY
How’s your batter coming?
BETTY
Not so good. I got some new butter for the batter, but it’s
not any better.
SALLY
Better butter should be for a better batter.
BETTY
I know, it’s so frustrating. How am I going to become a
famous baker?
SALLY
How am I going to become a famous marine biologist?
BETTY
We’re both not doing so hot.
SALLY
Hopefully things’ll get better. I’m sure you’re going to
figure out your recipe.
BETTY
I hope so. And I’m sure your family will come around.
SALLY
I hope so too.
DREW, a handsome man, 22, enters the
shop. BETTY notices him first.
Sally Sells Seashells 19.
BETTY
(to SALLY)
Hey, check out this guy.
SALLY sees him.
SALLY
(to BETTY)
Do you know him?
BETTY
No.
SALLY
I’ve never seen him before.
BETTY
You should go talk to him. It’s your shop.
SALLY
Are you sure?
BETTY
Yeah, go over.
SALLY
OK ...
SALLY walks over to DREW.
SALLY
Hi, can I help you with anything?
DREW
Yes, you can. Are you Sally?
SALLY
Yes, I am.
Sally Sells Seashells 20.
DREW
It’s great to meet you, Sally. My name’s Drew.
SALLY
It’s nice to meet you, Drew.
DREW
I’ve heard a lot about you.
SALLY
(coy)
Oh, you have?
DREW
Yes, and I’d love to speak with you.
SALLY
You would?
DREW
Yes.
SALLY
Would you mind waiting just one sec?
DREW
Sure.
SALLY
Great, thanks.
SALLY runs over to BETTY, who has been
watching the whole time.
SALLY
He wants to talk with me.
BETTY
He does?
Sally Sells Seashells 21.
SALLY
Yeah.
BETTY
That’s great.
SALLY
What should I do?
BETTY
What do you mean? You should talk with him.
SALLY
But do I look OK?
BETTY
Yeah.
SALLY
Quick, touch me up.
BETTY
OK.
SALLY hands BETTY a makeup brush and
cotton swab. BETTY quickly touches
her up.
BETTY
(while working)
This isn’t really my forte ...
SALLY
It’s OK.
BETTY
All right, you’re good.
SALLY
You sure?
Sally Sells Seashells 22.
BETTY
Yes.
SALLY
OK, here I go.
SALLY goes back over to DREW.
SALLY
Sorry about that.
DREW
It’s OK. You look a little different.
SALLY
Oh, thank you.
DREW
Would you mind stepping outside?
SALLY
Sure.
SALLY excitedly gives BETTY a thumbs-
up as she and DREW exit the shop.
SALLY
So you wanted to talk with me?
DREW
Yes.
SALLY
Well, maybe I should tell you a little about myself.
DREW
Well --
Sally Sells Seashells 23.
SALLY
My favorite color is baby blue. I love Italian food, Greek
food, Mexican food, you-name-it.
DREW
Um --
SALLY
I love long walks on the beach and going out for tea. But I
should probably tell you now that I most likely won’t kiss
you on a first date --
DREW
Sally.
SALLY
Yes, Drew?
DREW
Thank you for all that, but I’m actually here to talk to you
about something a bit more official. I’m part of the FBI.
SALLY
FBI?
DREW
FBI.
SALLY
Like the F-B-I FBI?
DREW
(showing his FBI badge)
Yes.
SALLY
(disappointed)
Oh ...
Sally Sells Seashells 24.
DREW
I’m sorry. Perhaps I should have said that sooner.
SALLY
So you’re not here because you’re interested in me?
DREW
Well, um ... I’m actually here because I’m investigating a
mob presence in this town.
SALLY
The mob?
DREW
Yes.
SALLY
Well, why are you asking me about it?
DREW
I’ve been going around town asking a lot of the local
merchants to see if they know anything about them.
Everybody’s been very hush-hush. If you also don’t know
anything about them, then I’ll just be on my way.
SALLY
(a bit nervous)
Well, I don’t know anything about any mob ...
DREW
You haven’t noticed any dealings or fishy business going on
in town?
SALLY
No. A lot of fish business ... but no fishy business.
DREW
OK, well, thank you for your time. I guess I’ll be on my way
then.
Sally Sells Seashells 25.
SALLY looks visibly upset.
DREW
Are you OK?
SALLY
(disappointed)
Yeah ...
DREW
Did I do something to offend you?
SALLY
No, you didn’t do anything.
DREW
You look very upset.
SALLY
It’s just ...
DREW
What is it?
SALLY
I was kind of hoping you were interested in me.
DREW
I’m sorry ...
SALLY
None of the boys in town seem to notice me.
DREW
That’s impossible.
SALLY
No, it’s very possible. Very very very possible.
Sally Sells Seashells 26.
DREW
I don’t see how that can be. You’re one of the prettiest
girls I’ve ever seen.
SALLY
Really? You mean that?
DREW
Yes, of course. You’re beautiful.
SALLY
(touched)
Thank you.
DREW
I’m sorry I had to ask you those questions.
SALLY
Oh, it’s OK.
Awkward pause.
DREW
Well, you said you liked long walks on the beach, right?
SALLY
Yes.
DREW
Would you be up for one now?
SALLY
Sure. I’d love to.
DREW
Great.
SALLY
Great.
Sally Sells Seashells 27.
They awkwardly stand there for a
moment smiling at each other.
DREW
All right.
They start walking off. Lights fade.
SCENE 4
Lights rise on the beach shore. We
can hear the peaceful sounds of waves
crashing and seagulls chirping. SALLY
and DREW walk for a little bit and
then stop. They sit along the shore
and watch the waves.
SALLY
So what’s it like being an FBI agent?
DREW
Well, this is my first assignment, so I’m still learning the
ropes.
SALLY
Oh, I see. I’m sure you’ll get used to it.
DREW
Yeah, I just really want to do a good job, you know?
SALLY
Yeah, I’m sure you will ...
SALLY
So tell me more about yourself.
DREW
Well, I just graduated from university a few months ago.
Sally Sells Seashells 28.
SALLY
Oh wow. Congratulations.
DREW
Thank you.
SALLY
I want to go to university so badly.
DREW
You should.
SALLY
I want to learn about everything. Biology, English, history.
(beat)
Tell me about your experience.
DREW
Well, it was great. I was a psychology major, so I learned a
lot about how people think and interact.
SALLY
I bet you understand people in a whole different way.
DREW
Maybe. I got to read so many books with so many different
points of view and new discoveries.
SALLY
Wow.
DREW
It was a wonderful experience. What would you want to study?
SALLY
Marine biology. I’ve always loved the ocean.
DREW
Me too. I mean, I don’t spend too much time at the beach or
on the waters, but when I do, I always enjoy it.
Sally Sells Seashells 29.
Pause.
SALLY
And so you’re single?
DREW
Yes.
SALLY
And you’re open to a relationship?
DREW
(surprised by the question;
laughing)
Yes ...
SALLY
I’m sorry, I just had to ask. Because every time a guy shows
interest in me, he pretty soon after tells me he just wants
to be friends.
DREW
That’s odd.
SALLY
I know. Papa says there must be something in the water
everyone drinks.
DREW
Someone should look into that.
SALLY
Yeah, they should.
Pause.
DREW
Tell me about your family.
Sally Sells Seashells 30.
SALLY
(nervous; laughing)
Well, they’re not the mob.
DREW
What?
SALLY
I mean, they’re my family.
DREW
Right, tell me about them.
SALLY
OK. Well, my father and brothers are ... businessmen.
They’re also very protective of me. But I love ‘em. They’re
my family after all. They’re all I’ve got since my mother
died.
DREW
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
SALLY
Oh, it’s OK. Tell me about your family. My family’s not
very interesting.
DREW
Well, I’ve just got my mom and a younger brother. My dad
died a few years back.
SALLY
Oh, I’m sorry.
DREW
No, no, it’s fine. My brother, he’s still in school.
Following in my footsteps, I guess.
SALLY
That’s nice.
Sally Sells Seashells 31.
Pause. SALLY suddenly sees a seashell
that washed ashore. She excitedly
picks it up.
SALLY
Oh look!
DREW
What is it?
SALLY
It’s a seashell.
DREW
Oh. How did you first become interested in seashells?
SALLY
I’ve loved the beach and seashells for as long I can
remember. My mother used to take me to the beach every day,
even before I could walk. We’d collect shells together. She
had a collection, and I started collecting too. Even after
she died, I would go collect the seashells myself. When I’m
around seashells, I feel like she’s with me.
DREW
My dad and I used to always play baseball together. I played
ball throughout college and I’d wear his old glove. Whenever
I wear it, I feel so much stronger, because of him.
SALLY
That’s really nice.
DREW
Yeah.
Pause.
DREW
So what kind of a seashell did you find?
Sally Sells Seashells 32.
SALLY
This one?
DREW
Yeah.
SALLY
This is an angulate periwinkle.
DREW
How can you tell?
SALLY
See how it’s angled toward you?
DREW
Yeah.
SALLY
This is a good one. I’m going to keep this one.
DREW
A memento.
SALLY
Yes.
SALLY smiles.
DREW
How can you tell a good seashell from a bad one?
SALLY
I think all seashells are beautiful, but certain ones have
certain special qualities. Like this one has such a strong
curve. I normally judge a shell by its symmetry, texture,
color, and sound. Hold out your hand.
He outstretches his palm. She gently
drops the shell into his palm.
Sally Sells Seashells 33.
She puts one hand under his hand,
supporting it. She uses the other
hand to point to certain aspects of
the shell.
SALLY
See how symmetrical this spiral is. And feel this texture.
There’s no sign of any cracks. The color is rich. And the
sound I’m sure is beautiful. Listen to it.
DREW
Listen?
SALLY
Yes.
DREW
With my ear?
SALLY
That’s how most people listen.
She laughs. He puts the shell to his
ear.
SALLY
Do you hear it?
DREW
Hear what?
SALLY
How peaceful it sounds?
DREW
(after a moment)
Yes, I think so.
SALLY
Let me listen.
Sally Sells Seashells 34.
He hands her the shell.
SALLY
Oh, it’s just wonderful. It’s such a pure sound.
DREW
You really know a lot about seashells, don’t you?
SALLY
Yes. But that’s all I know about. There’s so much more out
there in the ocean just waiting for me to discover.
DREW
I know what you mean. There’s so much to learn about. The
world is a beautiful place.
SALLY
Yeah ...
Mesmerized, she starts smiling and
staring longingly into his eyes.
DREW
I should probably let you get back to your shop, shouldn’t I?
SALLY
Oh, shoot! I forgot about my shop. I should probably get
back for the customers.
DREW
(smiling)
OK. I’ll see you again?
SALLY
(running off)
Sure! See ya!
DREW laughs to himself. Lights fade.
Sally Sells Seashells 35.
SCENE 5
Lights rise on SALLY’s house.
The whole family, PAPA, FRANK, MICKEY,
and SALLY, are having another family
meeting at the table in the dimly lit
part of the house.
FRANK
Some of our sources around town have been saying there’s this
FBI guy snoopin’ around town.
PAPA
FBI guy?
FRANK
Yeah, FBI.
PAPA
That’s no good. We can’t have him snoopin’ round our
neighborhood. We can’t have nothing interfere with them
shipments going down at the docks.
SALLY
He’s just doing his job.
PAPA
What’d you say, Sally?
SALLY
He’s just doing his job.
FRANK
Well, his job conflicts with our job.
PAPA
That’s right. We’s gotta take care of ‘im.
Sally Sells Seashells 36.
SALLY
Wait, what?
MICKEY
Oh, is he sick?
PAPA
No, we’s gotta send ‘im under.
MICKEY
Under what?
PAPA
We’s gotta hasten his departure.
MICKEY
Fasten his thermometer?
PAPA
(fully exasperated)
No, we’s gotta take ‘im out!
MICKEY
(suddenly understanding)
Oh ...
FRANK
Finally ...
MICKEY
But won’t that cost a lot of money? What if he’s a big eater
and wants to order two entrees?
PAPA and FRANK groan.
SALLY
Wait, no, you can’t take him out. I talked with him, he’s a
nice guy.
Sally Sells Seashells 37.
PAPA
You talked wit’ ‘im?
SALLY
Yes, he came to the shop.
PAPA
He was snoopin’ around our shop?
SALLY
He wasn’t snooping. He just stopped by to ask a couple
questions.
PAPA
Questions? Questions ‘bout what?
SALLY
About “the mob”.
FRANK
That settles it, we’ve gotta take him out. Fast.
SALLY
No, he doesn’t know anything. It’s his first time on the
job. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.
FRANK
Those shipments are too important, we can’t risk it.
SALLY
But we shouldn’t hurt him. If he doesn’t find out anything,
he’ll just leave and that’ll be it.
PAPA
I dunno ...
FRANK
I think we should take him out.
Sally Sells Seashells 38.
PAPA
I tend to agree.
SALLY
No, please. I’ll convince him to leave. Just give me a
week.
PAPA
I dunno ...
SALLY
Please, just let me talk with him. Just one week. Please.
PAPA
All right, Sally. But only ‘cause I love you.
SALLY
You promise not to take him out?
MICKEY
(suddenly understanding)
Oh ...
PAPA
You have my word. We won’t take him out for one week. But
after that, if he’s still here, he’s through. Ya know what
I’m sayin’?
SALLY
OK, but for this week just don’t let him see you guys, or
else he’ll know something’s up. OK?
PAPA
OK. He won’t see us.
SALLY
OK.
PAPA
All right, meetin’ adjourned.
Sally Sells Seashells 39.
Lights fade.
SCENE 6
Lights rise on the shop. SALLY is
interacting with CUSTOMERS. She is
helping MRS. TRUMBELL and showing her
several seashells. MRS. TRUMBELL is
an elderly lady with a cat.
SALLY
Which one do you like best?
MRS. TRUMBELL
Hm, I don’t know. Let’s see which one Snuffy likes.
(to her cat)
What do you think Snuffy?
(to SALLY)
I think Snuffy likes the round one.
SALLY
The baby’s ear one?
MRS. TRUMBELL
Yes, that one.
SALLY
(to the cat)
I think that’s a good choice, Snuffy.
(to MRS. TRUMBELL)
Just let me know when you’d like to checkout.
MRS. TRUMBELL
All right.
MRS. TRUMBELL goes back to shopping as
the REVEREND, REVEREND’s WIFE, and
MISTY enter.
Sally Sells Seashells 40.
REVEREND
(to his WIFE)
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, dear.
REVEREND’S WIFE
Shush, Tom.
(to SALLY)
Sally.
SALLY
Yes?
REVEREND’S WIFE
We’d like to return this seashell necklace.
SALLY
Oh, is there something the matter with it.
REVEREND’S WIFE
Well, we decided that it doesn’t quite match Misty’s hair
color.
SALLY
Oh, I see.
REVEREND
I think it matches fine.
REVEREND’S WIFE
Shh.
SALLY
Well, would you like to look for another?
REVEREND’S WIFE
Yes, we would.
SALLY
All right. Let me know if you need any help.
Sally Sells Seashells 41.
REVEREND’S WIFE
Thank you, Sally.
BETTY enters. She is holding and
stirring a can labeled in big letters:
BUTTER.
BETTY
Hey, Sals.
SALLY
Hey, Bets.
BETTY
You look a little down.
SALLY
Yeah ... I have to end things with Drew.
BETTY
But I thought your little walk went well.
SALLY
It did, but my family ...
BETTY
(understanding)
Oh ...
DREW enters the shop.
BETTY
Speak of the devil. Good luck.
SALLY
Thanks.
DREW comes over to them. BETTY walks
away.
Sally Sells Seashells 42.
DREW
Hi.
SALLY
Hi.
DREW
How’s it going?
SALLY
Fine.
DREW
Is everything OK?
SALLY
Maybe we should talk outside.
DREW
OK.
They step outside of the shop.
DREW
What is it?
SALLY
I was just thinking ...
DREW
What?
SALLY
I think it may be best if you leave town.
DREW
What? Why?
Sally Sells Seashells 43.
SALLY
Well, this town is so peaceful. Nothing too remarkable ever
happens, so I don’t think you’ll find what you’re looking
for.
DREW
You don’t?
SALLY
Nope, I think you’ll just end up wasting your time.
DREW
(disappointed)
Darn it. I thought I was getting close to something.
SALLY
(sadly)
I’m sorry. It’s just probably best if you head back east.
Behind DREW and outside of his vision,
MICKEY enters lugging a heavy crate.
SALLY sees him and starts to freak
out.
SALLY
Um ... have you met my friend Betty yet?
DREW
Huh?
SALLY
Betty. I think you should meet her.
(calling into the shop)
Betty! Betty!
With this yelling, MICKEY notices
something’s up. He freezes.
Meanwhile, BETTY comes running out
from the shop. She is still holding
and stirring the butter can.
Sally Sells Seashells 44.
BETTY
What is it?
SALLY
Have you met Drew yet?
BETTY
What?
SALLY
Have you met Drew?
BETTY
No.
SALLY
I think you should.
SALLY
(whispering)
You keep him busy. I’ll be back in a sec.
BETTY
(whispering)
Uh, OK.
She pushes BETTY right in front of
DREW. SALLY runs over to MICKEY.
BETTY
So, uh, Drew. I’m Betty.
DREW
Nice to meet you.
BETTY
Sally’s said a lot about you.
DREW
She has?
Sally Sells Seashells 45.
BETTY
Yeah. So ... do you like baking?
DREW
I like eating.
They talk silently as SALLY talks with
MICKEY.
SALLY
What are you doing here?
MICKEY puts down the crate.
MICKEY
Papa told me to move this stuff.
SALLY
Not now though. Everybody’ll see you! Drew will see you!
MICKEY
I’m not ashamed of my appearance. I’m happy with what God
gave me.
SALLY
No, Mickey. He’ll see that you’re a mobster.
MICKEY
Oh, whoops.
SALLY
Come on, we’ve got to get you out of here.
Just then, DREW turns around and hears
SALLY talking.
DREW
Hey, Sally, is everything OK over there?
Sally Sells Seashells 46.
SALLY quickly pushes MICKEY down so
that he is hidden behind the crate.
SALLY
Yep, everything’s swell. Nothing’s going on here. Just
talking to myself.
DREW
Oh, OK ...
DREW goes back to silently talking
with BETTY. SALLY pulls MICKEY up.
SALLY
We’ve got to get you out of here.
MICKEY
OK.
SALLY
(pointing)
Maybe you can go this way and they won’t see you.
MICKEY
Are you sure?
SALLY
I hope so.
DREW and BETTY start walking over
toward SALLY.
BETTY
Sally!
SALLY quickly hides MICKEY again
behind the crate.
Sally Sells Seashells 47.
SALLY
(trying to be nonchalant)
Yes?
BETTY
Uh, Drew and I had a nice time talking.
(secretly whispering to SALLY)
Sorry, I ran out of things to say. You know I’m not good
with boys.
(full volume)
Well, I guess I better get going.
DREW
Nice meeting you.
BETTY
Nice meeting you too.
(secretly whispering to SALLY)
Sorry! Good luck!
Feeling bad, BETTY grits her teeth
nervously as she leaves.
DREW
So you think I should leave, huh?
SALLY
Well, I think it may be best.
DREW
I see.
(pause)
But what about us?
SALLY
Oh, um ...
The crate with MICKEY behind it starts
to slowly creep away. DREW notices
this out of the corner of his eye.
Sally Sells Seashells 48.
DREW
Is that box moving?
The crate stops moving.
SALLY
Oh that? Moving? Of course not.
DREW
Oh, OK, sorry. I must’ve been seeing things.
SALLY
Maybe.
DREW
So what about us?
SALLY
Well, I’d really like --
The crate with MICKEY behind it starts
to slowly creep away again. DREW
notices this out of the corner of his
eye.
DREW
The box is moving again.
The crate stops moving.
SALLY
Oh no, you’re imagining things.
DREW
I don’t know ...
SALLY
Why don’t we switch positions, so it’s easier to talk?
Sally Sells Seashells 49.
DREW
Uh, OK.
They switch positions, so DREW can’t
see the box in his peripheral vision.
SALLY
That’s much better. It’s much easier to talk to you now.
DREW
That’s good. So ...
SALLY
So ...
The crate starts moving again. SALLY
watches it nervously, gritting her
teeth. DREW notices this and
misinterprets this.
DREW
You’re thinking about the shop, aren’t you? You think I
distract you from your work at the seashell shop. I’m sorry
about the other day and you having to ditch the shop. We
should probably go back in there now.
DREW turns around to start heading
toward the shop. He sees the crate
moving.
DREW
Look! It’s moving! Do you see that?
The crate stops moving.
SALLY
I don’t see anything.
DREW
I’m telling you it moved.
Sally Sells Seashells 50.
SALLY
I don’t think so.
DREW
Fine.
DREW turns around, his back to the
crate. The crate starts moving again.
DREW slowly turns around and looks at
the crate. It stops moving just
before he sees it.
DREW does all this a second time.
The third time, DREW quickly turns
around and looks at the crate. This
time, the crate does not stop moving
and continues inching away.
DREW
(pointing)
Aha! Got ya!
DREW starts walking over toward the
moving crate.
SALLY
No!
SALLY jumps in front of DREW and
kisses him. MICKEY pokes his head out
from behind the crate.
MICKEY
(to himself)
Ew!
His head goes back behind the crate.
The kiss ends.
Sally Sells Seashells 51.
As if just getting injected with
laughing gas, DREW is in a delightful
daze.
DREW
Wow ... wow.
SALLY smiles.
DREW
So that’s what you were trying to say. You’ve got a way with
words.
(drunkenly walking off)
See ya later, Sally.
Once DREW is gone, MICKEY stands up
from behind the crate.
MICKEY
Man, my back is killing me.
SALLY
Mickey, don’t tell anyone about that kiss, OK?
MICKEY
All right, Sally. Even though it was pretty gross, I won’t
tell no one.
SALLY
Good. Let’s get you out of here.
MICKEY picks up the crate, and SALLY
escorts him off. Lights fade.
SCENE 7
Lights rise on SALLY’s house. PAPA
and FRANK are sitting together
talking. The doorbell rings.
Sally Sells Seashells 52.
PAPA
You expectin’ anyone?
FRANK
No. Are you?
PAPA
No. Go see who it is.
FRANK gets up, goes to the door, and
looks through the peephole.
FRANK
(to PAPA)
I don’t recognize him.
(to the door)
Whadya want?
DREW
(offstage)
I’m here to talk with Sally.
FRANK
Who do you think you are, trying to talk with little Sally?
DREW
I’m Drew, her friend.
FRANK
(to PAPA)
Hey, ain’t that the FBI guy?
PAPA
I think you’re right.
FRANK
Let’s douse him.
Sally Sells Seashells 53.
PAPA
We can’t. We promised Sally we’d let him stay on the merry-
go-round for one week.
FRANK
(starting to get scared)
Then what do we do? I don’t know how to talk to an FBI guy.
PAPA
Fine, go hide in those curtains.
FRANK
You’ve got to hide too. He can’t see you like that. He’ll
know something’s up.
PAPA
You’re right.
FRANK
You need a disguise.
PAPA
A disguise?
FRANK
Yeah. I know, put on the dress. That’ll fool him.
PAPA
Mimi’s dress? Are you crazy?
DREW
(offstage)
Is everything all right in there?
FRANK
(to PAPA)
Come on. You gotta do it.
Sally Sells Seashells 54.
PAPA
(grumbling)
Son of a ...
PAPA goes to the mannequin with his
deceased wife’s favorite dress and
hat. He takes off his gangster hat
and quickly throws the dress/hat on.
PAPA
Do I look OK?
FRANK
Well, your butt looks a little big, but --
PAPA
(angrily)
No, do I look disguised?
FRANK
Oh. Yeah.
PAPA
Go in the curtains.
FRANK hides in the curtains. PAPA
opens the door. He talks in his
normal voice.
PAPA
Hello.
DREW
(confused)
Hello?
PAPA
You look confused. Is somethin’ wrong?
Sally Sells Seashells 55.
DREW
Well, I thought I was talking with a man before.
PAPA shrugs.
DREW
Are you Sally’s mother?
PAPA
Uh, yes, I am.
DREW
Hm, that’s odd.
PAPA
What’s odd?
DREW
Well, Sally told me her mother died.
PAPA
Oh ... uh ... yeah. Dead is really a metaphor in this house.
DREW
A metaphor for what?
PAPA
I don’t know. Why don’t you have a seat?
DREW
OK.
DREW sits down on the couch in the
living room. PAPA sits down in the
reclining chair.
PAPA
So what did you want to talk with my little Sally about?
Sally Sells Seashells 56.
DREW
Well, I met Sally at the shop, and I think I like Sally a
lot.
PAPA looks over at FRANK, whose head
is poking out of the curtains,
watching. FRANK gives PAPA an “Oh no
he didn’t” stare.
PAPA
You like her, huh?
DREW
Yes, I do.
PAPA
That’s sweet. Why don’t I make you a little drink?
DREW
OK, thank you.
PAPA
Do you drink?
DREW
Oh no, I don’t drink alcohol.
PAPA
I see.
PAPA goes to a counter and makes DREW
a drink. Without DREW seeing, PAPA
grabs a mysterious little bottle, and
with a showy gesture, empties its
contents into the drink. PAPA laughs
to himself.
Sally Sells Seashells 57.
PAPA
(bringing the drink over to
DREW)
I think you’ll like this a lot.
DREW
Thank you.
DREW takes a sip and takes a very
difficult gulp.
PAPA
You like it?
DREW
Whew, that’s hot.
PAPA
It is, isn’t it? That’s why it tastes so good.
DREW
Yeah, it tastes ... unique.
PAPA
(encouraging him)
Down the hatch.
DREW
If you say so ...
DREW finishes the drink in several big
gulps.
PAPA
Good, no?
DREW still can’t talk because of the
drink. He clutches his throat and
holds up a finger saying to wait a
second.
Sally Sells Seashells 58.
DREW
(barely getting this out)
Yeah.
PAPA looks over at FRANK and they
share a quiet laugh. Just then, SALLY
enters the house. She is shocked to
see her father in a dress, FRANK with
his head sticking out of the curtains,
and DREW with them. DREW does not
notice SALLY’s entering because he is
still busy trying to breathe after the
drink. SALLY motions for PAPA and
FRANK to leave. They both quietly
walk to the door.
SALLY
(whispering)
What are you guys doing? This is way too risky. You guys
have to leave.
PAPA
(whispering)
OK, OK.
PAPA and FRANK quickly leave. SALLY
comes over to FRANK. He’s finally
caught his breath.
SALLY
Hi.
DREW
Hi.
(looking around)
Where’d your mother go?
SALLY
My mother?
Sally Sells Seashells 59.
DREW
Yeah, she was just here.
SALLY
Oh, um ...
DREW
Man, my head is spinning. Everything’s a little fuzzy.
SALLY
Are you OK?
DREW
(entering into a drunken
stupor)
I think so. I feel really at peace now. Everything’s so
pretty.
DREW starts to look around as if
everything was shiny and mesmerizing.
DREW
Wow ...
SALLY
What is it?
DREW
I love your ceiling. It’s amazing.
SALLY
Thank you?
DREW stands up and starts running
around like a child, trying to touch
everything.
DREW
This chair feels amazing. Oh my, this wall is so cool. I
love it. I love everything.
Sally Sells Seashells 60.
SALLY
You do?
DREW closes his eyes and sticks out
his tongue, trying to lick the wall.
SALLY
Drew, what are you doing?
DREW
You’re always such a kill joy, Sally. Always Drew this or
Drew that?
SALLY
What are you talking about?
DREW
You’re such a meany.
SALLY
A meany?
DREW
Yes, a big, gigantic, ginormous meany. With a cherry on top.
SALLY
You’re acting kind of strange, Drew.
DREW
(jumping up and down)
Sally’s a meany, Sally’s a meany, Sally’s a meany.
SALLY
You’re acting very silly. I guess you’re not as mature as I
thought you were.
DREW
(still jumping up and down)
Yay!
Sally Sells Seashells 61.
SALLY
What about our walk along the beach?
DREW
Colors!
SALLY
What about our kiss? Did it mean nothing to you? I don’t do
that with just a friend.
DREW
You’re a nice friend. Let’s be friends.
SALLY
You just want to be friends?
DREW
(jumping up ecstatically)
Friends!
SALLY
What?
DREW
(skipping around the room)
Yay!
DREW drunkenly trips and falls on the
couch. He is unconscious. SALLY
makes an indignant grunt.
SALLY
I knew it. Just my luck.
(sadly)
Oh well ...
SALLY slowly starts to leave. When
she’s at the door, she looks back at
the unconscious DREW.
Sally Sells Seashells 62.
Sad, resigned, she looks down. She
leaves. Lights fade.
SCENE 8
Lights rise on the shop. CUSTOMERS
walk about the store. SALLY is
helping MRS. TUTTLE. DREW enters.
SALLY and DREW make eye contact.
DREW
Sally. Hey, it’s me.
SALLY chooses to ignore DREW.
DREW
Sally.
SALLY
(to MRS. TUTTLE)
So I’d use these shells to decorate your living room, but I
think they’re way too festive to decorate an office.
MRS. TUTTLE
I see.
DREW
(to SALLY)
Are you ignoring me?
SALLY
(to MRS. TUTTLE)
If you wanted to decorate the office, I’d recommend shells
with a slightly darker coloration.
DREW
Sally, I don’t know what happened at your house.
Sally Sells Seashells 63.
SALLY
(to MRS. TUTTLE)
We’ll also have to discuss how many shells you’re interested
in getting.
DREW
I know you’re probably upset, and you have much reason to be.
SALLY
(to MRS. TUTTLE)
But we’ll have to be careful, because certain shells are
rotten and not of good quality.
DREW
I’m really sorry about what happened. I really don’t know
what came over me.
SALLY
(to MRS. TUTTLE)
Some shells might seem precious at first, but when you get a
better look at them, you see that you might as well throw
them back in the water.
DREW
Sally, please.
MRS. TUTTLE
Well, I should probably let the two of you talk things out.
I’ll just continue looking around and think about all the
choices.
MRS. TUTTLE walks away.
DREW
We should talk.
SALLY
We don’t have anything to talk about.
Sally Sells Seashells 64.
DREW
I’m really sorry.
SALLY
I thought you wanted more than a friendship.
DREW
I do.
SALLY
Yesterday you said you just wanted to be friends.
DREW
I don’t know what I was saying. Something came over me. I
wasn’t myself.
SALLY
You didn’t care about us.
DREW
That’s not true.
SALLY
You didn’t care about our kiss.
DREW
I do, Sally. I do.
SALLY
You’re just like every other boy in town.
DREW
No, I’m not. I promise.
SALLY
How can I trust you?
DREW
Because I’ve fallen in love with you.
Sally Sells Seashells 65.
SALLY
You have?
DREW
Yes.
SALLY
I don’t know after yesterday ...
DREW
I’m sorry. It wasn’t me. If you give me a second chance, I
promise I’ll make it up to you.
Pause.
SALLY
I’ve fallen in love with you too.
DREW smiles. They kiss.
DREW
You should come with me.
SALLY
Come with you?
DREW
Yes, come back east.
SALLY
I don’t know ...
DREW
You could go to school and become that marine biologist
you’ve always wanted to be.
(pause)
We could be together.
SALLY
My family will never let me leave.
Sally Sells Seashells 66.
DREW
But that’s the thing. If you don’t leave now, you never
will. Now’s your chance.
Pause, as SALLY thinks for a moment.
SALLY
I still think you’re an egghead because of yesterday --
DREW
Sally!
SALLY
But I want to go east with you.
They smile and hug.
SALLY
But what about your assignment here?
DREW
That doesn’t matter now. I’ll tell them the truth, there’s
nothing shady going on here.
SALLY smiles.
DREW
We can leave tomorrow.
SALLY
Tomorrow.
Lights fade as they hold hands.
SCENE 9
Lights rise on SALLY’s house. She and
her family are in a family meeting at
the table.
Sally Sells Seashells 67.
PAPA
The shipments at the docks are going well. Luckily, there’s
been no hiccups to speak of.
FRANK
That’s good.
MICKEY
That’s real good.
PAPA
Everythin’s going as planned. Good work boys.
FRANK
Thanks.
MICKEY
Thanks.
PAPA
Is there anything else we need to discuss?
(beat)
Sally, is that FBI guy leaving town yet?
SALLY
He is.
PAPA
Good. We don’t want any trouble.
(beat)
You two were getting close, eh?
SALLY
Not too close.
MICKEY
(like a girlfriend at a
sleepover)
Whatcha talking bout, Sal? Kissing ain’t close?
Sally Sells Seashells 68.
SALLY
Mickey!
MICKEY suddenly covers his mouth in
alarm.
PAPA
Whatchu say, Mickey?
MICKEY
Nothin’.
PAPA
Nothin’? I heard somethin’.
FRANK
Yeah, something about kissing.
PAPA
(to SALLY)
Did that guy kiss you? He did, didn’t he?
SALLY
Papa, don’t overreact, but --
PAPA
I’m gonna kill ‘im.
SALLY
No, Papa!
FRANK
We’re gonna kill him.
PAPA
That guy takin’ advantage of you like that.
SALLY
No --
Sally Sells Seashells 69.
PAPA
You poor defenseless girl.
SALLY
It wasn’t like that.
FRANK
I can’t believe that guy had the moxy to force himself onto
you.
SALLY
He didn’t force anything. I initiated the kiss to stop him
from seeing Mickey --
PAPA
He’s a no good stinkin’ animal.
FRANK
Let’s strain his pulp.
PAPA
Let’s cook his fries.
FRANK
Let’s make his meat rare.
PAPA
Let’s grill his buns.
SALLY
(standing up)
Stop it! He didn’t do anything wrong!
MICKEY
Yeah, stop it. You guys are making me hungry.
PAPA
That’s enough. We’re gonna take care of this.
Sally Sells Seashells 70.
SALLY
No, you can’t do that!
PAPA
Go run along and play with your dolls, Sally. Us men have to
get to work.
(to FRANK)
Come on.
PAPA and FRANK get up and start to
exit.
SALLY
(shouting)
I’m a grown up girl now! You can’t keep ignoring me and
treating me like a child!
It is too late. They are gone. SALLY
sits down frustrated.
MICKEY
Sorry, Sally. It just slipped.
SALLY
It’s not your fault. It’s their fault. What am I going to
do?
MICKEY
Uh, I don’t know ... You want to go grab a bite to eat?
SALLY
No, Mickey. I’ve got to warn Drew. I’ve got to tell him the
truth.
SALLY gets up and exits.
MICKEY
(calling after her)
Good luck!
Sally Sells Seashells 71.
MICKEY reaches into his pocket and
pulls out a partially eaten candy bar.
He is pleasantly surprised. He starts
eating the bar, really savoring each
bite. Lights fade.
SCENE 9
Lights rise on the beach shore. DREW
is there with a suitcase next to him.
SALLY enters.
DREW
You made it.
SALLY
We have to talk.
DREW
Where’s your bags?
SALLY
I have to tell you something.
DREW
Are you not coming?
SALLY
Drew, my family’s part of the mob.
Pause. DREW suddenly starts laughing.
SALLY
Oh no, not again.
DREW
You’re funny, Sally. You like messing with me, don’t you.
SALLY
No, I’m serious. They’re part of the mob.
Sally Sells Seashells 72.
DREW’s laughing slowly stops.
Silence.
DREW
You’re not joking are you?
SALLY
No.
DREW
Why didn’t you tell me before?
SALLY
They’re my family.
DREW
But they’re the mob. I have to turn them in.
SALLY
Please, no. Just leave.
DREW
I can’t just leave.
SALLY
They’re going to come after you. You have to leave now.
DREW
(disappointed)
Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
SALLY
I ... I couldn’t. They’re my family. They’re all I’ve ever
known.
DREW
But they do bad things.
Sally Sells Seashells 73.
SALLY
I know. Just please, leave. I don’t want anything to happen
to you.
DREW
Sally, what kind of FBI agent would I be if I just left now?
SALLY
You’d be a live one. One that I love.
She grabs his hands just as PAPA,
FRANK, and MICKEY enter.
FRANK
Aha! We found him. Step away, Sally.
SALLY
Frank, please don’t do anything.
FRANK
We won’t do nothing Cousin Joey wouldn’t do.
SALLY
Cousin Joey would do a lot of things.
PAPA, FRANK, and MICKEY laugh.
MICKEY
That’s definitely true. Do you remember what he did last
Christmas? I didn’t even know that was possible.
SALLY
Mickey!
MICKEY
(conflicted)
Sorry.
Sally Sells Seashells 74.
PAPA
(to DREW)
So boy, you gonna try to run?
DREW
(nervous)
Uh, no ... I’m going to turn you guys in.
PAPA and FRANK laugh.
FRANK
Really?
DREW
(losing confidence)
Yes ...
PAPA
Get ‘im boys.
FRANK and MICKEY come over and hold
DREW by the arms.
SALLY
No, stop! Don’t hurt him!
PAPA
It’s too late for chit chat. We’re ready to milk the cow.
MICKEY
Milk? Does someone have cookies?
MICKEY lets go of DREW. DREW then
wiggles free from FRANK and starts
running away, waving his arms in the
air and yelling “Ahhh!”. Really fast
banjo chase music begins playing.
FRANK and PAPA start chasing DREW,
also yelling “Ahhh!” .
Sally Sells Seashells 75.
MICKEY and SALLY follow suit, also
yelling “Ahhh!”.
All of them run offstage. Then in
order, they run back onstage and run
off the other direction. They then
run back onstage. This continues for
a bit. Eventually, PAPA, FRANK, and
MICKEY outsmart the others by waiting
in the middle of the stage. DREW and
SALLY run offstage but then run
onstage and are stopped in the middle
by the men. The banjo music ceases.
PAPA
Got ya. Get ‘im boys.
FRANK and MICKEY come over and hold
DREW by the arms.
PAPA
(to DREW)
All right, buddy, say hello to Elvis for me.
PAPA whips out a knife.
SALLY
Stop!
PAPA
Don’t look, Sally. Us men have to make this guy an offer he
can’t refuse.
SALLY
No!
SALLY jumps in between PAPA and DREW.
PAPA
Step aside, Sally.
Sally Sells Seashells 76.
THE PLAY IS NOT OVER!
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