A Special Section Focusing On Mind and Spirit

‘Ambiguous loss’ can weigh heavily on older individualsBY EMILY HEDGES

CONTRIBUTING WRITER

How do you mourn someone who is physi-cally here, but psychologically absent? Howdo you accept that you can no longer do allthe normal activities that you’re used to?How do you find companionship when youare all alone? These are some of the ques-tions that Minnetonka therapist Dr. JodyGrande of Hope Allianz faces daily with heraging clients.

The New Hope resident began her practicein Minnetonka in 2003 with a focus on familycare giving, something she became interestedin while in graduate school. After writing herdissertation on families living with mentalillness, she realized how much need therewas, and how much “ambiguous loss” playedinto life experiences.

While in school, Grande was heavily influ-enced by the work of Pauline Boss, professor offamily and social science at the University ofMinnesota, who is known for her ground-breaking research on the theory of ambiguousloss. In her book Ambiguous Loss: Learning toLive with Unresolved Grief, she explains thatambiguous loss is associated with a lack of clo-sure, such as a family member withAlzheimer’s disease.

Dr. Grande sees ambiguous loss frequentlywhen working with her older clients, whomake up approximately one-quarter of herpractice.

“I see ambiguous loss as the loss of ability todo what we once did,” said Dr. Grande. “Withambiguous loss, there are no rituals to follow.With death, for example, we have rituals.”

Dr. Grande knows about this from experi-ence. Married to a man 22 years older than her,the 60-year-old finds herself mourning theaspects of life they can no longer share.

“My relationship with my husband is stillthere, but we don’t take walks or travel due tolimiting health issues and limited energy,” shesaid. “I see the transitions going on with myhusband – driving, connecting with people,

cognitivity, memory loss – I learned to stepback and be patient with the process.”

Part of being patient is the understanding ofhow we all change in similar ways with eachpassing decade, according to Grande.

“We tend to ask ourselves similar questions,‘what have I done and where am I going?’ Andas we get older, “where have we been and howdo we want to end this life?’ come to the fore-front.”

When you add loneliness to it, she under-stands that life can be extremely difficult forher older clients.

That’s why Dr. Grande says she is open tospending a little extra time with her olderclients.

“They are lonely, and I am here. I see howimportant that is to my clients. I do see more ofthat need the older the client is.”

She sees many reasons for loneliness.Sometimes families don’t live close by, or theydon’t want to bother them.

“They need to wake up and not feeldepressed. They need younger friends, andthey need exercise,” she said. “Basically theyneed someone to talk to.”

She recalls visiting an assisted living centerwith her mother and meeting an elderlywoman who seemed to embody the lonelinessthat she frequently sees in her practice.

“One dear lady introduced herself. She wasso excited she could hardly contain herself. Shesaid, “Your mother could live across the hallfrom me. We could be best friends.’”

Dr. Grande hopes to expand her practice toinclude life skills training which would focuson building the skills necessary to flourish atthis time of life.

“Our population is aging and we need tostep back and manage how we think about it,”she said. “In doing research on what’s outthere, I have realized that opportunities arelimited.”

For more information on Hope Allianz, go towww.hopeallianz.com. For more informationon local resources for seniors and caregivers,go to www.seniorcommunityservices.org.

Dr. Jody Grande

2 Mature Lifestyles– Thursday, June 21, 2012 – www.MinnLocal.com In the Community, With the Community, For the Community

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In the Community, With the Community, For the Community www.MinnLocal.com – Thursday, June 22, 2012– Mature Lifestyles 3

Age, health, family can hinderpersonal relationships

BY EMILY HEDGESCONTRIBUTING WRITER

When Boyd Phelps, 88, of Eden Prairiemarried his wife, Shirley, on Sept. 11, 1948, heknew he had found the love of his life. Foralmost 60 years the couple lived together,raised two children, and faced whatever chal-lenges came their way. But after Shirleypassed away, for thefirst time since HarryTruman was in office,Phelps experiencedwhat it was to bealone.

“I was just watch-ing TV, nothing butwatching TV. I couldtell you every programon every night of theweek,” he said. “Istarted thinkingthere’s got to be moreto life than this.”

Phelps decided tostart getting out. Hebegan by contactingold friends. One of thefirst people he calledwas Carol, a friend hehad known for morethan 40 years.

“She used to call upevery few months tosee how I was gettingalong. We startedgoing out together. Itwas fun to meet once aweek. Then it becametwice a week,” he said.

Boyd’s wife Shirleyhad gone to highschool with Carol. Heplayed golf with Carol’s husband fordecades. The two couples were even in adance club for almost 20 years.

“We always saw each other socially. Wewent to dinner at each other’s houses as cou-ples,” he remembered.

Now Boyd and Carol take vacationstogether. They particularly love cruises. Asof last month, Carol is living in the sameindependent living center.

“Under the same roof but not in the sameapartment,” Boyd was quick to add.

Relationships like the one Boyd and Carol

share are important to many seniors accord-ing to Sandra Grace of Healing Works inChaska. But sometimes they can be tricky.

“As they age, people want someone to bethere,” said Grace. “They wonder if they willfind compassion and patience from someone.They worry how health issues will limitthem,” she said.

She also points out that for many surviv-

ing spouses, guilt can hinder their ability tomove on.

“If you had a loving relationship with adeep connection, it can be really hard tomove on and let go of that,” said Grace.“There’s guilt about how the children aregoing to perceive it. Will they think they’renot honoring the spirit of their mother orfather?”

One of the first things Boyd did was talkto his daughter.

“At first she thought I wanted to talk toher to tell her I had cancer,” remembered

Boyd. “It took her a few days to get used tothe idea, but she responded in the affirma-tive to the relationship.”

Grace says that what grown childrenthink about their parents entering a newrelationship can be one of the biggest obsta-cles.

“Kids can be very threatened, especially ifthere is any kind of wealth,” said Grace.

“They suspect theirmotivations.”

But Grace encour-ages the children tosee their parent’s newrelationships as ablessing.

“Many times theirkids are busy. If theyare able to find some-one, their kids shouldbe thankful.”

So part of her job isto help older clientsmove past those feel-ings of guilt and otherbarriers that canstand in the way of asuccessful and healthynew relationship.

“Sometimes as peo-ple become older, theyget rigid in theirbeliefs, routines, fami-ly rituals, in theirphysical surround-ings,” she said.

The challengecomes in figuring outhow to compromise.

Another concern isattractiveness. Gracefinds many clientsworry about whether

or not they will be attractive to anyone, espe-cially if there are health issues.

“Hopefully we are more spiritually attrac-tive, instead of all the materialist trap-pings,” said Grace.

It’s this focus on the opportunities ratherthan the limitations of dating later in lifethat Grace stresses to her clients.

“If we age gracefully, we have more com-passion, wisdom. We feel lighter,” saidGrace. “There is no biological clock tickingor career building. During this time, it’s notabout becoming; it’s about being.”

Boyd and Carol

4 Mature Lifestyles– Thursday, June 21, 2012 – www.MinnLocal.com In the Community, With the Community, For the Community

New Brighton woman’s book describes her journey with GodBY EMILY HEDGES

CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Shirley Shumaker’s (85) life can bedivided into two phases: before Aug. 22,1964 and everything after. On that Fridayafternoon, her husband came home andtold her he was leaving. He said if thingsdidn’t work out, he’d be back. Then hekissed her on the cheek and walked outthe door.

The agnostic, stay-at-home, mother ofthree simply got up, walked into her bed-room, and shut the door. What happenednext would define the rest of her life andstart her down the path of writing.

In the book she would publish 24 yearslater, Overtaken By Love: Growing inSpiritual Intimacy, Shumaker describesthat fateful day:

“I walked into the bedroom and lookedat the eastern sky. Suddenly I feltimmersed in love, and somehow I knew itwas God. Then I felt a deep sense thateverything was going to be alright.”

Although raised a Catholic, Shumakersays she thought of God as more the “oldman in the sky” than a real presence. Butafter that defining moment of feelingGod’s closeness, she led a different sort of

life, although she admits it didn’t keepher from worrying about the future with-out her husband.

“I became a Christian, but I was also asingle motherwith no job andthree children,”she said. “Butthe words, theLord wouldopen the door,brought mecomfort.”

Over the nextphase of herlife, Shumakerfound the rightjob and theright home justwhen she needed it. At the same time, hersearch for spiritual understanding ledher into what she would later character-ize in her book as “occult.” It was duringthis time, she began to write, producingher first manuscript.

She writes in Overtaken By Love, “Itwas returned to me by the publisher andthat rejection was used of God to moti-vate me to destroy my stack of occultwriting … I tore everything into shreds

and stuffed the mound of torn paper intothe same trash bag in which I’d tossedthe occult books.”

Shumaker didn’t give up on her writ-ing. Over theyears, she pro-duced a grow-ing pile of per-sonal journalsand essays thatlater formedthe basis ofOvertaken ByLove. She start-ed working onher book inearnest afterretiring in herlate 60s, com-

pleting it in her 70s. “I started writing when I found some-

thing in the scriptures that spoke to me,”she said. She shared her writing withfriends and family. Their positiveresponse encouraged her to continue.Union Life magazine published two ofher articles in 1987 and 1991.

“It was a holy spirit-led operation. I’dsit and write, and if the Holy Spirit was-n’t speaking to me in my heart, I’d quit

for a few days. A book gradually devel-oped.”

By 2008 she had a complete, 24-chaptermanuscript published by Zulon press, aself-publisher for Christian authors.

“I bought copies and distributed themto friends and family,” she said. “I’m alsoin the process of trying to get Barnes &Noble to carry it.”

For Shumaker, it’s all about sharingthe message of God’s love with those whohunger for a closer relationship withHim. She writes in the synopsis found onthe back of the book: “We are living cellsin the body of Christ; living stones in Histemple; lights in the world and livingepistles for all to read. May the HolySpirit sprinkle the diamond dust of reve-lation throughout; heavenly fragmentsthat will cling to the fingers which turnthe pages while He quickens the heartand confirms His unconditional, unwa-vering love toward every son and daugh-ter.”

Shumaker currently lives in NewBrighton near her three children Lori,Greg and Steve, and two grandchildrenConnor and Fallon. Overtaken By Love:Growing in Spiritual Intimacy may bepurchased at Amazon.com.

‘It was a holy spirit-led operation. I’d sit and write, and if the Holy Spirit wasn’t

speaking to me in my heart, I’d quit for a few days. A book

gradually developed.’

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In the Community, With the Community, For the Community www.MinnLocal.com – Thursday, June 22, 2012– Mature Lifestyles 5

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6 Mature Lifestyles– Thursday, June 21, 2012 – www.MinnLocal.com In the Community, With the Community, For the Community

EMILY HEDGESCONTRIBUTING WRITER

Kevin Sweeney, 51, of Lakeville doesn’tthink of himself as much different than theaverage person. Everyone has obstacles toovercome in life, and he is no exception.

But most people would agree that hisobstacles are anything but average. Whilevolunteering at the Jaycees dunk tank dur-ing the 1996 Pan-O-Prog festival inLakeville, Sweeney fell off the back andwas paralyzed from the neck down.

Suddenly, the auto mechanic, part-timeVFW bartender, and avid softball playerhad to invent a whole new life.

“With an obstacle you have to go over,around or through it,” he said. “You have toadapt to what you have to do and do it.”

The first thing he put his mind to wasregaining as much movement as possible.

“They say that what feelings and move-ments you’ve got after one year is whatyou’ll have, but I disagree completely,” hesaid.

Sweeney began to watch people aroundhim that could do things he wanted to do.

“I studied babies and kids, how theylearned to get up off the ground,” he said.“I observed others in their everyday activi-ties they take for granted. Now I can movemy hands and I have started walking with awalker some. I refused to let things stopme.”

Sweeney is limited in his hand usage, buthe has adaptive equipment that helps himhold a telephone and drive his van. He saysthat when he’s in his chair, he doesn’t feeldisabled because he can go where he wantsto.

“I just always look on the high side ofthings. What other people are doing, to anextent, that’s what I want to do. I’ve beenparasailing. I mow my own lawn. I do weedwhipping and drive an adapted motorcycle.I never look back. I just keep looking for-ward.”

The next challenge Sweeney took on washow to make a living. But the active people-person wasn’t interested in just busy work.

“I wanted to find a position in today’ssociety where I could fit in,” he said.“Sitting around stuffing envelopes isn’t mycup of tea.”

Although Sweeney already held a bache-lor’s degree in science from the Universityof Wisconsin-Stout, he felt he lacked theappropriate education and experience toland the one thing he now required – a deskjob. He started to look around the area foreducational possibilities. When he saw that

Dakota Technical College offered two-yeardegrees with evening and online courses,he knew it was just the program he waslooking for.

“This made it easy for someone likemyself. I could do much of it online,” hesaid.

This past May Sweeney graduated withhonors. He earned a management for tech-nical professionals degree. He also earnedan accounting clerk diploma and a qualityimprovement certificate. He estimates thathe devoted 20 hours per week studying,spending about 80 percent of his time in theclassroom and 20 percent online.

Now he hopes to find a new career, per-haps with a small business.

“I can manage and organize. I havefinesse with numbers. I just want to find aplace that will give me a chance to showwhat I can do,” he said.

Instructors like Harold Torrence, ScottGunderson, Patti Wiegand and others atDakota Technical College certainly got thechance.

“Regardless of any possible limitations,

you can always see Kevin inspiring andmotivating fellow students to move forwardwith their dream,” said Torrence. “He hasthe ability to build strong and lastinghuman relationships with a compassionateleadership style. His personal story is morethan inspirational.”

Sweeney found his instructors to be justas inspirational for him.

“They gave me wonderful ideas, enthusi-asm and confidence to continue learning.They sought out opportunities to help meand taught me how times are changing so Ican adapt,” he said.

One of Sweeney’s class projects was togive a speech to his classmates and hedecided to give it on handicap awareness.But overall, he says he was the one who didthe learning from his classmates, especial-ly the foreign students.

“Seeing how they adapted to the UnitedStates was amazing,” he said. “It was sort ofthe same thing I was doing – learning tofunction in a new culture.”

Sweeney views his challenge in changingcareers as a common one in today’s eco-

nomic climate, especially for baby boomersand seniors.

“My story is related to how all peoplehave to change. Look at businesses that areclosing, laying off, and downsizing. Ifyou’re one of those workers, you’ll have tolearn to do something else. This is wherebaby boomers are coming in. Companiesare getting rid of older workers, so theyhave to go back to school to learn technolo-gy to get back up to date.”

Sweeney knows from experience that itcan be daunting entering a classroom forthe first time in decades, but he encouragesother older students not to let it stop them.

“Don’t be afraid to step in the limelight ofschool. Your brain can adapt and learnagain,” he said. “Keep an open mind andlook forward. If there is something youwant to do, go for it.”

Institutions like Dakota TechnicalCollege make it easier than ever for olderstudents to feel comfortable and get theeducation they need. For more informa-tion, call 651-423-8301, or go towww.dctc.edu.

Lakeville man refuses to let paralysis keep him from living

Kevin Sweeney graduated from Dakota Technical College with honors. The 51-year-old Lakeville resident hopes to find a job working for a small business.

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In the Community, With the Community, For the Community www.MinnLocal.com – Thursday, June 22, 2012– Mature Lifestyles 7

Crystal woman finds joy in her artBY EMILY HEDGES

CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Fabric painter Judi Jacobson’s medi-um changed the day a car ran a red lightand slammed into her driver’s side dooralmost killing her.

It would take time to return to hercraft, but when she did, she found hercanvas had narrowed. Her broad strokesof color had become fine lines of detail.Her art had moved from a focus on aes-thetic impact, to a celebration of life’streasured moments.

Before the accident, Judi and a friendbegan a business custom painting largearea rugs.

“My girlfriend and I were looking forsomething to do with our time. We hadbeen stay-at-home moms, but the kidswere older. We decided to give it a shot,”said the 58-year-old Crystal resident.

In the first year, a builder commis-sioned them to create an entry rug for a

$300,000 house to be featured in theParade of Homes.

“Being a new business, we thought,‘Wow, someone likes what we’re doing.’It was a feather in our cap.”

Unfortunately, Judi’s accident inAugust of 1996 cut their success short.

“That was a very trying time for all ofus. I felt horrible for the people who hadto watch me go through it,” she said. “Ihave no pain now. I just have recoveredbetter than I ever expected, or anyoneexpected. I’m just happy about living.”

Although Judi healed quickly, herdesire to paint took longer to return.

“My partner went on to do otherthings because I was not up to painting,”she said. “It took a while before I felt likepicking up a brush again.”

One of the first pieces she wasinspired to do was a wall hanging for thephysical therapy department that shecredits with getting her back on her feet.From there, she found she no longer had

the desire to paint large, abstract rugs.Instead, she narrowed her work to smallobjects like pillows, aprons and wallhangings. Rather than creating her owndesigns, she found that she most enjoyedrecreating artwork from special eventinvitations.

“I copy like nobody’s business,” shesaid. “Tracing was my favorite thing todo as a kid. I loved coloring in the lines.”

After almost 15 years, her custompieces are in demand when clients needa memorable gift, most often for wed-dings, bar mitzvahs, and housewarm-ings.

“I can duplicate the font from a wed-ding invitation, or even recreate a pic-ture of a house for a housewarminggift,” she said. “I really enjoy fine,detailed fabric painting.”

When Judi has time to create piecesfor herself, she says she’s drawn to thecolor red.

“I love bright colors, although I don’t

always get to pick the color for my cus-tom work,” she said. “In my house I do alot with reds, and some black andwhite.”

Two years ago, one of her pieces, azebra face on black suede, was acceptedin a juried competition held at thePlymouth Community Center. Althoughshe didn’t win, she felt honored to havebeen included. In fact, these days, Judijust feels honored to be doing any of thethings she once took for granted.

“I shouldn’t have lived through theaccident. Sixteen years later, I wake upevery day, happy to be up with my feet onthe floor, happy to walk, happy for what Ican do at end of the day. I’m just happy.”

She feels this gratitude the strongestwhen she finds herself at her own spe-cial occasions.

“Dancing at my kids’ weddings.Playing with my sweetest little grand-son. I cherish every day I have. It’s trulygiven me a new perspective on life.”

Serious auto accident fosters a great appreciation for everyday living

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8 Mature Lifestyles– Thursday, June 21, 2012 – www.MinnLocal.com In the Community, With the Community, For the Community

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