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Safe, Connected, & FlexibleBuilding Healthy Relationships & Preventing Unhealthy Relationships

Sarah Busch, MSW, LGSWFebruary 2020

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IntroductionConnection to VisitationProfessional ExperienceEmotional Safety

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Missions Inc. Programs

HopeEmergency shelter & support for victims of domestic violence

Withdrawal management for individuals who have overdosed on drugs or alcohol

HealingShelter, food, support, & advocacy for women & children affected by domestic violence

Legal advocacy for victims of domestic violence

Supportive housing for individuals experiencing chemical dependency

TransformationAdvocate at local, state, & federal levels

Work with local police departments, hospitals, and other systems to improve responses to domestic violence & chemical dependency

Support groups, ongoing advocacy, referrals

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The BasicsWhat is teen dating

violence? What does it look like

across the country? What does it look like at

Visitation?

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What is Teen Dating Violence?

AKA “dating abuse,” “intimate partner violence,” “relationship abuse,” etc.

“A pattern of destructive behaviors used to exert power and control over a dating partner” (loveisrespect.org)

NOT the same as:• Child abuse• Bullying• Fighting • Unhealthy friendships

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RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE IS NEVER JUSTIFIED. NO ONE EVER DESERVES TO BE ABUSED.

But what if they…Abused others?

Are a guy?

Went back to an abusive relationship?

Provoked their partner?

Had sex with their partner?

Cheated on their partner?

Committed a crime?

Were drunk or high?

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Types of Teen Dating Violence

Physical: “any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body.” It does NOT need to cause pain or leave a physical mark.

Emotional/Verbal: non-physical behaviors intended to exert power and/or control over a partner. It includes threats, insults, monitoring, humiliation, etc.

Sexual: “any action that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually they don’t want to do. It can also refer to behavior that impacts a person’s ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs.”

Financial: exerting unwanted control over a partner’s finances, bank accounts, or spending.

Digital: “use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online.”

Stalking: repeatedly watching, following, or harassing another person, making them feel afraid or unsafe.

LoveIsRespect.orgLoveIsRespect.org

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Centers for Disease Control

10Centers for Disease Control

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At Visitation45% of Visitation US Students have or know someone who has experienced violence from someone they are dating or going out with.

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Building Healthy

Relationships & Recognizing

Unhealthy Relationships

Healthy v. Unhealthy RelationshipsConcrete strategies

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Relationship Spectrum

National Domestic Violence HotlineLoveIsRespect.org

RespectGood communicationTrustHonestyEquality

HEALTHY

Imbalance of power & controlAccusationsBlame shiftingIsolationManipulation

ABUSIVE

Breakdown in communicationPressureDishonestyAttempts to controlInconsiderate behavior

UNHEALTHY

14Credit: Elizabeth HeaneyClass of 2011

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Warning Signs• Extreme jealousy or possessiveness• Unexplained marks or bruises• Lack of participation in former activities

or interests• Sudden changes in clothing or eating

habits• Isolation from family and friends• Excessive texts, emails, or social media

messages• Constant belittling or put-downs

LoveIsRespect.org & Break The Cycle

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Your ResponsesCharacteristics of healthy relationships:1. Trust (66%)2. Communication (25%)3. Respect (16%)4. Caring (10%)5. Boundaries (7%)6. Equality (6%)

Characteristics of unhealthy or abusive relationships:1. Controlling (44%)2. Violence (28%)3. Dishonesty (28%)4. Lack of Trust (16%) 5. Jealousy, Fear, Blame, Lack

of Communication

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BreakTheCycle.org

LACK OF TRUST

LACK OF TRUST

LACK OF TRUST

CONTROLLING

CONTROLLING

CONTROLLING

CONTROLLINGCONTROLLING

VIOLENCE

VIOLENCE

VIOLENCE

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Building Blocks of Healthy Relationships

• Communication

• Trust

• Boundaries

• Equality

• Conflict ResolutionImage by Thaliesin from Pixabay

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Communication• Find the right time• Talk face to face when

possible & safe• Start with “I”• Be honest

When You Are Angry:1. Stop2. Think3. Talk4. Listen

LoveIsRespect.org

Image Source

20Image: IMDB

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TrustSeven Elements of Trust from Brene Brown

Dare to Lead by Brene Brown

1. Boundaries2. Reliability3. Accountability4. Vault5. Integrity6. Nonjudgement7. Generosity

Image Source

22Image: Disney Wiki

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BoundariesEmotional• Level of affection (“I love you”)

• Time apart

Physical• Go at your own pace

• Communicate

• Physical intimacy isn’t currency

Digital• Passwords

• Disconnecting

• PrivacyLoveIsRespect.org

Image Source

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BreakTheCycle.org

Tips for Setting Boundaries

• Communicate openly and honestly with your partner.• Never assume or guess your partner’s feelings. • Follow through on what you say (i.e. stick to your own boundaries)• Take responsibility for your actions. Both partners need to do this. • Recognize that you can only control your own behaviors.

25Image; Buzzfeed

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Equality

Do you feel free to explore your interests with your partner or on your own?Do you feel comfortable with who pays for what?Do you feel safe with and respected by your partner?

Do both of you get heard in an argument, and can you compromise respectfully?

LoveIsRespect.org

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Image: Bustle

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Conflict Resolution

• Set boundaries – you both deserve respect, even during an argument

• Find the real issue – what specific need isn’t being met?

• Agree to disagree • Compromise when possible

LoveIsRespect.org

Abuse ConflictPhoto: Daily Mail

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Relationship Violence &

Gender

Who can be a victim?Who can be an abuser?Intersectionality

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No Easy AnswersRelationship violence is perpetrated and experienced by people of all genders.

Violence against women has been socially accepted to some degree throughout much of human history.

Misogyny, male privilege, and patriarchal norms are often components of relationship violence perpetuated against women

Misconceptions about who can and cannot be a victim of relationship violence have led many male victims to suffer in silence.

Photo: Timothy Stapleton

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Getting HelpBarriers to getting helpHealing path v. justice pathResources at VisitationResources outside of school

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Thatsnotcool.com

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Path to HealingFocus: victim’s needs

Outcome: physical & emotional safety for victim

Led by: victim

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Path to JusticeFocus: enforcing laws

Outcome: punishment or exoneration

Led by: law enforcement authorities

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Here at Vis:

If you were experiencing violence from someone you were dating or going out with, where could you go to get help?

• Parents – 62%• Friends – 48%• Adults at school – 36%• Trusted adult – 26%

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Why not ask for help?

Barriers• Services designed for adults• Unaware of resources• Unable to access resources’• Fearful parents will be notified if

they seek help• Stigma & shame• LGBTQ+ oppression &

discrimination• Gender stereotypes

Factors• Gender: girls more likely to seek

help than boys• Cultural acceptance of family

violence• Family functioning• Availability of trusted adult• Current relationship status

Hedge et al, 2017LoveIsRespect.org

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Help a Friend• Reach out and let your friend know that you’re worried.• Help them recognize that the abuse is not normal and is NOT their fault.• Focus on your friend, not the abusive partner. • Be supportive and listen carefully.• Acknowledge their feelings and be respectful of their decisions.• Connect your friend to resources in their community.• Don’t contact their abuser or publicly post negative things about them online –

this can make the situation even worse for your friend.• Help them develop a safety plan – a personal, practical plan that can help

them avoid dangerous situations and know how to react.• Take care of yourself.

LoveIsRespect.org

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Help Available at Visitation

Your counseling team, head of school, dean of students, and teachers are ready and willing to support you.

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Community ResourcesEMERGENCY RESOURCESIf you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911 right away.MN Day One – local 24/7 crisis line, text, & online chat with trained advocates

Call: 1.866.223.1111Text: 612.399.9995

Sexual Violence Center – local 24/7 crisis line, online resources, support in helping a loved one

Call: 612.871.5111LoveIsRespect.org – national 24/7 crisis line, text, & online chat with peer advocates

Call: 1.866.331.9474Text: loveis to 22522

NON-EMERGENCY RESOURCES

ThatsNotCool.com

Futures Without Violence

BreakTheCycle.org

MN Coalition Against Sexual Assault

OutFront Minnesota (LGBTQ+ support):

non-emergency hotline 612.822.0127

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Change the CultureWhy? Social norms, beliefs, stereotypes, etc. that normalize relationship violence are significant risk factors for perpetration (Offenhaur 2011)

How?1. Speak up.2. Challenge casual tolerance of relationship violence. 3. Promote healthy relationship behaviors.

Join the MovementTeen Dating Violence Awareness MonthBecome an ambassador (ThatsNotCool.com) to raise awareness of digital abuseBreakTheCycle.org/lets-be-real

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Contact me for more information about available resources and

prevention efforts!

SBUSCH@MISSIONSINC.ORG