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i This was the first thing I wrote in my phone notes after we broke up. 1. I felt like I was trapped at_ the time, in a bubble of misery from not knowing / what the right answer was - to say goodbye and let us grow into our own peoph

or try and make things work even though neither of us felt sure about the future At the time, I felt that even though things were going to be sad, it would eventually be alright. We broke up. I don't feel the same anymore, about everything being alright, because I now know that post-breakup power dynamics

I

can really get to your brain and make you believe j the sun is coming up for the first time. When, really, the sun_ had been coming up every day - I had just forgotten to look up and be thankful for it. And for you. /

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~l'Y\p+t, l\ k~rry dl)._y fil led wiH ~o.r.1 no w.

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m~ ch to hew,: 'I 01A here. \ w ~" t hi -f p ~ ~ my '"'Y ,do11e, arieF is 'll! that i feel, 0./'\d

~ 0~'re rwt .t'V ffOS~:d ·hi 3rteve on your bi'r H w

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Flowers With Red Trim

I wake up and get dressed A simple enough task but when you're broken hearted everything feels like drowning

I grab the soft Ired floral underwear That you loved so much And I get sad

While I'm driving home later, on an empty road I start to wish that you'd come to my house and take them off of me, My soft ired floral underwear

Or maybe I'd just leave them on And you'd admire me, in them And I'd feel beautiful and the invisible broken .glass shards that cut into my soul every day would disappear And stop haunting me

But you're not here And my Ired! floral underwear have a big hole in the left side And maybe I should just throw them away

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Tune has pushed me brwalrd,, folrcefulllly '

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There's a sort of hopelessness when you realize you miss someone

and ca~'~ ao'<iqything about the intense way you miss them

and wJ$h they cod ld hold you one more time 1' (' t I

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Everyone h~~ their ownJife, pain~,_broken dreams, guilty pleasures t • /1 • •

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Grief is something we go th[A'.ugh, aione iff many way~ l\ •

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There's not much comfort ~ .{ ,'t"-~.t' .i i" -· Nothing to resolve or rebuild if it's one-sided \.,. l

C fJ • a , _,/ Through this, I've come to realize that grief is ugly and dark and hopeless

~ C • There isn't a silver lining • ~ •

No Sunday morning light coming through your window that makes it better

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If _you were reading this, I'd tell you that I never want to live a day 1 with0ut you. And I pray that I never will .

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I wonder what you're doing tonight. I wonder if you're happy1·

I miss you. -

1 ate too much sugar today. My joints ache. I wish I could tell you

Is it supposed to be easier today? I woke up listening to the/

rain. I want to hug you. I'm sorry. /

· I woke up thinking of you. I got sad immediately. /

My heart feels heavy /

There is great pain in being misunderstood.

I cry because I bare my soul

And you still don't see who I am ·

Grief i1s 11:fte "4lh no ploce ID go,

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A thousand Mary Oliver poems, phone calls with my sister,

and nights of crying in my bed until I fall asleep

from the exhaustion of hurting

Secret hours to myself, missing your crooked teeth and big hugs

Melting into memories that soothe me and then bum me, often_

I still talk about you to anyone who will listen

Tasting your name in my mouth, trying to find its familiarit

which seems to have drifted away

Overnight

Afraid of the cliche ways I miss you,

knowing they're unavoidable - and cliche for a reason

Grief is the stickiest, saddest emotion I've ever known

Becouse of you I ber'le\100 a1 God

Loved al 1he flowers

Saw 1he l91t at 1he end of the tmnel Felt my heart open 1-1)

Because of you

I lk>ved school rnomings Drunk too much coffee

Listened to sOIUlf1ldtmc:lks over and over Fooind meon1ng on poetry

AM love songs,, too

-----r I should be too, I am ff; But why does it still feel like a thousand cuts?

These are the kinds of days no one tells you about when you fall in love

It is dark and you miss someone who was once the closest thing to a soulmate No one can change this for you, it is unbearable grief

The person I ache for is gone from my life

I drown in all the words I can't say to you

I don't know you anymore Don't remember the parts of your face i used to love ,, ~ \~ T/!-¥,~ Don't even remember the good parts of you ,/ff"'· l".::l ,,,, i}- \; '

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11., t1,(fi)~~, (v., ,1, •·-p, I:) On your birthday last year ([J_!~:..>\'1/li \ri?7'~.~:,,,•

W}r~i-. ~~\\-(ki1 <~·•• After holding me close

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Last year on your birthday your hands were in my hair ~\:Jt:-~ all over my body

And then you told me it was over

I remember you leaving

I said i needed to be alone, to pick up the pieces of the heart you just smashed

I felt empty

started to fill up with darkness Drowning in all the emotions of being left Being out of love

I cried on the carpet floor in my room Hoping i would fall asleep and not wake up

It's one year later

Your birthday is in two days and you don't talk to me anymore

t t . .

~ iJ '. . It's Late January

I'm shopping for groceries I moved into a new place and it's the second place I've lived that you've never seen Strolling down the aisles of heart shaped candy And stuffed pillows i,; -~ ' ~i

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1 Wondering to myself, as I push my cart forward, why loves burns so badly And could this even be called love anymore?

• ~ These are the moments I dread ~ jJ t!l~w i _. __ --:::;- t

And also the moments I feel most alive What a sticky gift it is to be heartbroken/

Walking down an empty aisle f ITT m 1 £$ "if/ v · 1

Missing your lips and warm hands !(nowing it's over for you /

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Change COfl\ 1feel1 ~ing and! 1hremenfng 1for lhiglhlty sensittllve people

Keep one promise to myse111f euery day

I have e g I need within myself

~:.t.': .1 , • ~ /, • -- I I • µ-. • • ...,'. ., :, _ ~" ~ - • / • : ~ !.. So much of my youth was spent at Kenilworth Park. I still go there often

whenever I'm back in Asheville - to skate, sit on the swings, and see my favorite tree. My first relationship began here. Kenilworth Park held us both for a very long time and the tree I love so much was always there, strong and stable. The tree changed through each season, just like I did - just like I have. And when I go there now -sometimes I feel very washed up in grief. sometimes I feel comfort, to look around at a place I've known since I was 16 years old - a place that has seen me open my heart to someone.break-down, grow in the most painful ways, sit for hours in grief, get high on the park benches with my best friends, from sunrise to darkness. It has always been a glittering safe-place for my soul. This park has remained a constant for me since I've known it. 1 have shown up over the last 5 years in many different stages _ always changing as life pushes me forward. And yet here, I feel like time stands still. And I can return to any moment in time and feel safe. 1 grieve. And I hope. I remember until I'm ~lue in the brain. I am grateful tor this place in a deep down, aching sort of way - it is living and breathing and holds some of the most magical memories n,y patched-up heart has ever felt.

1

:To ALL T11EtE PEOf~ 1 I PLAc,f J; + THIA6S:l

K~TE. RHVDf5 f\L~V M "Raef( t.J ' ·: . ~OLL. f\ l\'1 1 I FORMf.11

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THESuN, fol< ALWA'<S coMl,-t6 u? 1

your long hair looked good when I saw it in a photo last week1 Your hands fit into mine like a missing piece J and I know they were meant to hold me

j But now I have the p.;;;,:-to he-;~;;se) { .., To move forward without yo~

And to hope you shine and feel loved all the days of your life, l --This time without me 1 - - -

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