ROMANCE WITH A DOUBLE BASS - STAGE ADAPTATION

PROPS:Footman's BroomDouble Bass & CaseBasic forestry - Bushes & TreesFishing Rod & FloatFlowersPicnicThe Orchestra BandMusic StandMusic Sheets & BowDress & ShoesRecorder

(m) Smychkov (Basic ability with Double Bass)(f) Constanza (Able to play the recorder)(either) Majordomo(m) Prince Bibulov / Musician Zhuchkov(f) Bibulov's Wife(m) Lakeyich(m) Footman / Musician Razmakhaikin(f) Maid / Leader of the Orchestra(m) Thief / Count Alexei

SL= Stage Left (House Right). SR= Stage Right (House Left).

SCENE 1 - MORNING

The FOOTMAN enters SL, but proceeds to prepare the stage as PRINCE BIBULOV and the MAJORDOMO enter behind him.

MAJORDOMOExcuse me, your highness?

PRINCE BIBULOVYes?

MAJORDOMOWhere do you wish me to place the musicians?

PRINCE BIBULOVAnywhere, anywhere. Musicians are to be heard, not seen.

BIBULOV’S WIFE(Entering SL)

Have the strawberries arrived?

PRINCE BIBULOVNo.

BIBULOV’S WIFEFootman, have the strawberries arrived?

MAJORDOMONot quite yet, your Highness, no. The train was delayed at Minsk.

BIBULOV’S WIFEWith the strawberries?

MAJORDOMOWith the strawberries, yes. But only for two hours. Bronski is at the station now.

BIBULOV’S WIFEBut they will arrive?

MAJORDOMOOh yes, most certainly, your Highness.

BIBULOV’S WIFECream alone is very unexciting.

PRINCE BIBULOVWhat?

MAJORDOMO(Changing topic)

The Princess and the Count will be behind you, just to the right.

BIBULOV’S WIFEVery good. You understand, dear?

PRINCE BIBULOVWhat?

BIBULOV’S WIFE(Distracted)

And do-

PRINCE BIBULOV-Yes?

BIBULOV’S WIFEEugh!

BIBULOV’S WIFE exits SL. PRINCESS CONSTANZA enters SR, and is soon joined by BIBULOV’S WIFE and the MAID.

MAJORDOMOYes, excuse me, your Highness.

PRINCE BIBULOVYes?

2.

MAJORDOMOAs Lakeyich has agreed to conduct the orchestra tonight, I really do think we should put him in a prominent position.

PRINCE BIBULOVOh! ...Why?

MAJORDOMOWell, er, he is a most celebrated conductor, your Highness.

PRINCE BIBULOVEugh.

SMYCHKOV enters from behind the audience. The FOOTMAN notices and approaches him.

FOOTMANHere, tradesmen to the back! Where’re yer manners? Lout.

SMYCHKOVTradesmen?

FOOTMANT’ the back!

SMYCHKOVI am an artist, sir, not a... fishmonger! What do you think this is? Groceries? Brahms’ father played the double bass! Nasty man.

SMYCHKOV awkwardly makes his way to SL.

BIBULOV’S WIFEPerhaps the sash could be a little longer? Darling, you look absolutely adorable - have you been practicing?

PRINCESS CONSTANZAYes.

BIBULOV’S WIFE(Altering her smile)

Well... No darling, not quite so much... That’s it. Now when you are told your father is about to announce your betrothal, you must both stand a little to his... behind him. Do you understand?

3.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAWith Alexis on my right...

BIBULOV’S WIFEAlexei, darling. Alexei, Alexei, Alexei, Alexei!

PRINCESS CONSTANZAYes, mother.

SMYCHKOV has reached the front, to the MAJORDOMO.

SMYCHKOVAh, good afternoon, I am the-

MAJORDOMO-What do you want?

SMYCHKOVAh, I am musician Smychkov, I am playing at the betrothal ball.

MAJORDOMONo, no, no, no, not those! The engraved ones! ...Well?

SMYCHKOVI am playing at the betrothal ball tonight.

MAJORDOMOYou’re early.

SMYCHKOVAh, yes, I know, yes.

MAJORDOMOGo away.

SMYCHKOV...What?

MAJORDOMOCome back later.

SMYCHKOVEh-

MAJORDOMO-Later.

SMYCHKOVEh, yes. Ah, Could I leave this somewhere?

MAJORDOMONo.

4.

SMYCHKOVIt’s very heavy.

MAJORDOMOGood.

MAJORDOMO turns to excuse SMYCHKOV, who returns to the audience to look for another way in.

BIBULOV’S WIFEAfter the toast, you may let him kiss your hand.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAYes, mother.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA is preoccupied with her fishing rod.

BIBULOV’S WIFESigh. Oh, do put your arms down, darling... Elegantly!

PRINCESS CONSTANZA flutters her arms down delicately, but ridiculously. BIBULOV’S WIFE sighs.

BIBULOV’S WIFE (CONT'D)Strawberries...

BIBULOV’S WIFE exits SR. The MAJORDOMO has crossed to SR and stops SMYCHKOV who has also just reached the stage via the audience.

MAJORDOMOI told you to go away.

SMYCHKOV...Come the revolution.

MAJORDOMO and MAID exit SR. PRINCESS CONSTANZA sneaks across the stage to exit SL.

SCENE 2 - RIVER

PRINCESS CONSTANZA enters SL to sit at the riverbank, where she leaves her line in the water, and falls asleep. SMYCHKOV arrives at the bank, far SR.

SMYCHKOV (To himself, with music)

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmmm. Aaaah, oooh, beautiful Smychkov! Yes, yes, blast. No, no, no, wait a moment. Hmm. Yes, yes, no, sharp! Not natural. Hmmm.. E minor! E minor, yes. Sing, strings, sing! Growl, bass, growl!

5.

(MORE)

Yes, yes, yes, and now! Good, ooh, oh, ooh, ooh. Smychkov, that is beautiful!

SMYCHKOV has been removing his clothes and now dips into the water. He comes across PRINCESS CONSTANZA sleeping on the bank, her fishing pole by her, with its float in the water. He gathers some flowers, and ties them to her float.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)...Come the revolution...

SMYCHKOV exits. PRINCESS CONSTANZA awakes, notices the flowers, and excitedly tries to pull them in. The line snaps, and the flowers are too far for her reach.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA(Calling out)

Could someone come and help me, please? Hello?! Hello? I’ve lost my float! ...I don’t know what to do...

THIEF enters, invisible to her. She removes her clothes and enters the water to retrieve the float and flowers. The THIEF steal hers clothes. She notices and calls after him.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA (CONT'D)Stop! Stop, thief! Come back! Come back! I’m the Princess, and I command that you come back! I command that you stop! Why do you not stop when I command you?! Eugh!

The THIEF runs by SMYCHKOV.

SMYCHKOVGood afternoon!

The THIEF also steals SMYCHKOV’s clothes and exits. SMYCHKOV doesn’t notice, but when he leaves the water to discover his clothes missing, he goes into a panic.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)Villain! Villain! Villain! ...Villain.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA approaches naked. SMYCHKOV tries to hide himself and his double bass case. She gets close, unaware that he is hiding.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)...Good afternoon-

PRINCESS CONSTANZA-Argh! Don’t kill me!

6.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)

SMYCHKOVWhat?

PRINCESS CONSTANZADon’t kill me.

SMYCHKOVOh! ...Right.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA...Who are you?

SMYCHKOVWho, me? I’m-

PRINCESS CONSTANZA-Shut your eyes!

SMYCHKOVCertainly. Good idea.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAWhat are you doing here?

SMYCHKOVEr, well. To cut a long story short-

PRINCESS CONSTANZA-Why haven’t you got any clothes on?

SMYCHKOVWhy haven’t I got any clothes on... Oh! Why haven’t I got any clothes on?

PRINCESS CONSTANZAWell?

SMYCHKOVThey were stolen by a thief, Princess.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA...How do you know I’m a Princess?

SMYCHKOVErr, oh. Err, well, when- Err. Err, you look like one.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAI look like one?

7.

SMYCHKOVEr, no. Err, well to be perfectly honest, I did see your... Tiara. Sorry.

PRINCESS CONSTANZANow then, what’s your name?

SMYCHKOVSmychkov, Princess.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAYou are to keep your eyes shut at all times, Smychkov.

SMYCHKOVOf course, Princess.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA...How am I to get home...?

SMYCHKOV opens his double bass case, removes the double bass, and suggests that she climb inside. She does so.

SMYCHKOVI do understand how people feel, I mean, I know double bass players and trumpeters have this reputation for being shiftless and, well, rather high-spirited, but I do assure you that I am a most notable exception. I promise you, Princess, that I shall get you safely to your father’s palace.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA...I do believe you, Smychkov.

SMYCHKOVThank you, Princess. Please do make yourself at ho- well, not exactly “at home”, but I mean “as at home” as is, yes, yes-

PRINCESS CONSTANZA-Thank you, Smychkov.

SMYCHKOVYes, thank you... Princess? I shall guard you with my life... For what that’s worth, I mean I know it’s only a musician’s life-

PRINCESS CONSTANZA-Thank you, Smychkov.

8.

SMYCHKOVThank you, Princess.

SMYCHKOV goes so far, but has to go back to retrieve his double bass. He finally returns.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAWhy did you leave me without permission?

SMYCHKOVErr, to collect my instrument, dear Lady. Are you comfortable, Princess?

PRINCESS CONSTANZAPerfectly.

SMYCHKOVAre you sure?

PRINCESS CONSTANZAOne should never look a gift horse in the mouth.

SMYCHKOVAh, yes.

After a while of walking, SMYCHKOV looks lost. He knocks on the case.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA...Hello?

SMYCHKOVAh, which way do we proceed, dear Lady?

PRINCESS CONSTANZAIt is a little difficult for me to tell, Smychkov.

SMYCHKOVOh! I beg your pardon, um... Would you be prepared to have a look?

PRINCESS CONSTANZA...Yes?

He opens the case, she peeks out and points a direction, then returns inside the case. He closes it again.

SMYCHKOVThank you.

9.

After more travelling, SMYCHKOV is getting tired. He starts coughing, and accidentally puts the case down clumsily. PRINCESS CONSTANZA shouts in discomfort.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)Sorry, my Lady. I do beg your pardon, Princess.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAAre you getting tired?

SMYCHKOV(Sounding very tired)

No. No, just a little out of breath.

PRINCESS CONSTANZASo am I. It’s very stuffy in here.

SMYCHKOVOh dear.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAWould you open the case a little?

SMYCHKOVMost certainly.

He opens up the case, she is sat inside, flustered.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)Allow me to move the lid to-and-fro, thereby creating a draft.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAThank you, Smychkov.

SMYCHKOV(Fanning the lid)

It is rather close today.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAIsn’t it? Almost humid.

SMYCHKOVYes! Humid, exactly.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA(Relieved by fanning)

Yes!

SMYCHKOVThat better?

10.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAYes that’s lovely. There was quite a chill in the air this morning.

SMYCHKOVYes there was, yes.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAI didn’t think that it would turn out quite so warm.

SMYCHKOVNope, no, neither did I.

PRINCESS CONSTANZASmychkov? I think I would like to go into the water.

SMYCHKOVThe water?

PRINCESS CONSTANZAI’m hot, Smychkov.

SMYCHKOVYes, uh, you don’t think- no, no, right.

She leaves the case and enters the water.

PRINCESS CONSTANZADivine! Divine! How pretty... Do sit down.

SMYCHKOVOh, righto.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAHoo-hoo! It’s like champagne!

SMYCHKOVAh... a beverage I have not made acquaintance with. Now, Vodka-

SMYCHKOV sees FOOTMAN entering and leaps into the water.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAArgh! Smychkov!!

He pushes the two of them down under the surface. The FOOTMAN passes, does a double-take, then exits. The two resurface for air.

SMYCHKOVShhh!

11.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAHaha! Shhh!

PRINCESS CONSTANZA playfully pushes SMYCHKOV.

SMYCHKOVOh, God.

He gets out and serenades her with the Double Bass.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAI’m getting a little cold...

SMYCHKOVOh, um, of course. I will go behind that tree while you, ah...

He looks away as she gets out. She passes the case and accidentally knocks it closed. SMYCHKOV assumes this means that she is inside, and returns to the case.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAHUH!!!

SMYCHKOVHUH!

The two are standing face-to-face, covering their decency and their eyes.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAWhat shall we do??

SMYCHKOVAh, what shall we do, what shall we do...

PRINCESS CONSTANZAOh, please be decisive!

SMYCHKOVAh, yes! What shall we-

PRINCESS CONSTANZA-I’ve got an idea!

SMYCHKOVAh.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAYou go behind the tree again, then I can get into the case.

SMYCHKOV...Brilliant. Brilliant.

The two shuffle about with their eyes still covered.

12.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAAre you behind the tree yet?

SMYCHKOVUmm... I don’t know.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA gets into the case. SMYCHOKOV bumps into the tree.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)Eugh! Ah, I found it!

SMYCHKOV peeks and realises that she has made it into the case. He approaches it.

PRINCESS CONSTANZADo you often play on important occasions?

SMYCHKOVOh yes, two or three times a month!

PRINCESS CONSTANZAReally?

SMYCHKOVOh yes, well, twice a month anyway. Most months I play at least once... usually... It should be superb tonight!

PRINCESS CONSTANZAShould it?

SMYCHKOVOh yes, our conductor tonight is Lakeyich. I’ve never played with him before; he’s one of our most brilliant conductors, he’s in demand all over Russia - he is reputed to be able to play every instrument from the violin to the bassoon.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAI’m learning to play the recorder.

SMYCHKOV(Overly interested)

Are you?? How marvellous! Ah-ha-ha! What a coincidence! Ha-ha. Well... Is anything the matter, princess?

13.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAI shall miss my life here so much, Smychkov...

SMYCHKOVBut the Count is rich.

PRINCESS CONSTANZABut he wants me to live on his estate in Siberia.

SMYCHKOVWell surely he has many estates! You must tell him you do not wish to live there.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAYes, but they say he is very strict.

SMYCHKOVDoes he love music?

PRINCESS CONSTANZANo. But he looks very fine in uniform!

She slams the case in anger. SMYCHKOV carries her offstage.

SCENE 3 - JOURNEY

LAKEYICH and the LEADER OF THE ORCHESTRA enter SR to enjoy a spot of food and drink.

LEADER OF THE ORCHESTRAI, er, trust you will find the orchestra satisfactory, Lakeyich, I have been rehearsing them intensively.

LAKEYICHI’m sure there will be no difficulty.

LEADER OF THE ORCHESTRAI think you shall find the string section small, but among the very best you-

The two gentlemen spot SMYCHKOV, who enters oblivious to them SL, carrying the case.

SMYCHKOV(Distant)

Shan't be long!

14.

SMYCHKOV disappears to fetch the double bass.

LEADER OF THE ORCHESTRASmychkov...?

LAKEYICHSmychkov...

SMYCHKOV(Returning)

I’m back again!

LAKEYICHIs he one of our string section?

LEADER OF THE ORCHESTRA laughs nervously, looks to the exiting SMYCHKOV, then back to LAKEYICH to laugh again, shaking his head. As SMYCHKOV carries the case, LEADER OF THE ORCHESTRA hurriedly shoves the food and LAKEYICH SR.

SMYCHKOVWe’re back by the road, princess.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAThank you, Smychkov.

SMYCHKOV hears two musicians approaching, and jumps behind a bush. MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN and MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV enter.

MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKINDa-da-da-da-da, dum-dum, duh-dum.

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVI think you’re a little flat!

MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKINLook! Look!

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVWhat is it?

MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKINIt- it- it’s a double bass!

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVOh... Smychkov’s.

MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKINWho else?

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVPerhaps he’s ah-

MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN-yes, off ‘picking flowers’... Smychkov!

15.

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVSmychkov!!

MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKINSmychkov!?

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVD’you think he’s all right?

MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKINPerhaps we ought to go look for him?

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVSmychkov!

MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKINSmychkov? Smychkov!!

SMYCHKOV(Popping his head out)

Oh, hello!

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVWhat are you doing?

SMYCHKOVNothing much, really.

MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKINCome on, you will be late for rehearsal!

SMYCHKOVYes, right...

The three awkwardly wait for something to happen.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)Well, there are one or two things that I ought to, uh-

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVOh! All right, we’ll take your bass for you.

SMYCHKOVWhat?

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVThe bass, we’ll take it for you, but get a move on!

SMYCHKOVUh, no, don’t bother!

16.

MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKINDon’t be late for Maestro Lakeyich!

SMYCHKOVNo, don’t!

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVThat’s all right!

The two musicians carry away the instrument.

SMYCHKOVNo, don’t bother, please don’t?

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVYou’d do the same for us!

SMYCHKOVNo I wouldn’t!

MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOVHaha, of course you would!

The two have exited.

SMYCHKOVLeave it!! I’d never help you, never! I hate you both!! Bring it back, you stupid... tradesmen!!

SMYCHKOV exits after them with his double bass.

SCENE 4 - REHEARSAL

SMYCHKOV makes it to the house. The MAID passes.

SMYCHKOV Ah, good evening. Musician.

MAIDWhat?

SMYCHKOVRehearsal. I was told - tradesmen’s entrance?

MAIDThrough there.

Hilarious sequence of SMYCHKOV getting to the rehearsal by way of finding spare clothing that barely fits him. He avoids the MAID, the FOOTMAN, the MAJORDOMO, PRINCE BIBULOV, and BIBULOV’S WIFE. He arrives to find Maestro LAKEYICH already rehearsing with the Orchestra. LAKEYICH stops, and watches his awkward entrance.

17.

SMYCHKOVAh. Sorry I’m late, Maestro, sorry, I was, uh-

LAKEYICH...Smychkov...

SMYCHKOV gets ready next to his case, but PRINCESS CONSTANZA’s arm reaches out to alert him.

LAKEYICH (CONT'D)(Looking at double bass)

What’s that?

SMYCHKOV...What?

LAKEYICHWhat’s that double bass?

SMYCHKOVOh, uh... this is the other one. That’s a spare.

LAKEYICH What is it, Smychkov...?

SMYCHKOVIt’s a spare, Maestro... In case of, uh... fire-

LAKEYICH-Fire? Ahem, gentlemen...

The band get ready to play. LAKEYICH pauses them.

LAKEYICH (CONT'D)Smychkov. Your music.

SMYCHKOVHm?

LAKEYICHWhere is it?

SMYCHKOVAh- in my case, Maestro. I don’t think I’ll bother.

LAKEYICHYou know it by heart?

SMYCHKOVYes! Most of it. Some of it. Bits, my bits.

18.

LAKEYICHGet your music, Smychkov.

SMYCHKOVYes, Maestro.

SMYCHKOV partially opens the case, slides a hand inside, and proceeds to whisper to PRINCESS CONSTANZA.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)(Whispering)

It’s there. In the pocket. Sorry.

She hands out the music. He keeps rummaging for something.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA(Whispering)

...Smychkov?

SMYCHKOV (Whispering)

The bow. Is this the pocket?

PRINCESS CONSTANZA(Whispering, shocked)

Smychkov! Stop it!

SMYCHKOV(Whispering)

The bow!!

She hands him the bow.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)(Whispering)

Thank you.

SMYCHKOV gets up and prepares to play.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)Sorry. I beg your pardon.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA reaches out for SMYCHKOV again.

LAKEYICHNow gentlemen, in this next piece it is most important- it is most important on the second entry of the woodwinds-

SMYCHKOV(Whispering)

Where? ...you’re mad! ...Right.

LAKEYICH-What?

19.

SMYCHKOVUh... Excuse me, maestro. Sorry, I’m afraid that I have to be excused.

SMYCHKOV runs out on a mission for the Princess’ dress. Once again he must avoid all manner of people through the house; the MAJORDOMO, BIBULOV’S WIFE, and the MAID in particular. He follows close behind this exchange:

BIBULOV’S WIFEI’m sure I saw her in her room. Where is she?

MAJORDOMOI don’t know, your highness, we- we’ve been looking for her.

BIBULOV’S WIFEI’m sure I saw her in her room... These floorboards squeak abominably; do have them seen to.

He gets to the rehearsal, stuffs the dress into the case.

SMYCHKOVSorry. I was, um...

LAKEYICHReady, Smychkov?

PRINCESS CONSTANZA gets SMYCHKOV’s attention again.

PRINCESS CONSTANZA(Whispering)

Shoes, Smychkov!

LAKEYICHWhat?

SMYCHKOVNothing, Maestro! -I can’t!

LAKEYICHMay we begin, Smychkov?

SMYCHKOV-I can’t!

LAKEYICHWe will begin, Smychkov!

SMYCHKOVSorry, I have to go again. Sorry.

20.

SMYCHKOV once again heads off into the house. This time he’s very overt in getting the shoes, and is noticed by many people. As he stumbles by, the FOOTMAN is looking out the window and joined by the MAJORDOMO.

FOOTMANWoah, woah. Yes, I recognise him.

MAJORDOMOIt can’t be. Excuse me... It is!!

SMYCHKOV gets to the MAID who is beside the shoes, and evidently upset about having lost the dress. She sees him.

SMYCHKOV...I forgot these. Ah- for the Princess.

He runs out. Meanwhile, BIBULOV’S WIFE has arrived.

MAJORDOMOIt- It- It’s the Count, your highness. He’s here!

BIBULOV’S WIFEOh good heavens, I haven’t changed! My face! My hair! My dress! Oh.

MAJORDOMOAbout your duties! Quick, quick! To the door.

MAIDStop, thief!! Stop! Thief!

SMYCHKOV escapes, and gets to the rehearsal once more.

SCENE 5 - PARTY

SMYCHKOVReady when you are, Maestro.

LAKEYICH is about to shout abuse at SMYCHKOV, but instead the MAJORDOMO and PRINCE BIBULOV arrive.

MAJORDOMOMaestro, play, play; the Count is here, please play!

LAKEYICH does everything in his power not to explode, and instead launches the orchestra into a song. PRINCE BIBULOV enters.

MAJORDOMO (CONT'D)Your Highness, the count is here.

21.

PRINCE BIBULOVWhat?

MAJORDOMOHe’s here!

PRINCE BIBULOVNow? But it’s before time!

MAJORDOMOI know!

PRINCE BIBULOVWe don’t have a Princess!

MAJORDOMOYes, I know!

PRINCE BIBULOVThe strawberries are in Minsk!!

COUNT ALEXEI walks in.

PRINCE BIBULOV (CONT'D)Ah, ho-ho-ho-ho, ah, my dear Count! How delightful to see you!

COUNT ALEXEIMy dear Prince Bibulov - forgive my premature arrival, but I could not delay the wait a moment longer... Where is your lovely daughter?

PRINCE BIBULOVAh-ha-ha-where is she?

The MAID and FOOTMAN have meanwhile approached SMYCHKOV, and begin to force him away from the band.

MAJORDOMOWhat’s going on?

MAIDI saw this man steal the Princess’ dress and shoes!

MAJORDOMOWhat?!

FOOTMANI saw him with the shoes.

BIBULOV’S WIFE walks in.

PRINCE BIBULOVAh-ha-ha, well, my wife.

22.

SMYCHKOV is trying to reason with the MAJORDOMO. The music goes quieter, and dies.

SMYCHKOVI am not a thief; I was asked here to play, sir. I am a musician, and an and artiste, I was asked here as a double bass player, and I request that you not touch me.

PRINCE BIBULOVWait! What is going on?

MAJORDOMOYour Highness, this man was seen stealing the Princess’ dress and shoes.

PRINCE BIBULOVStealing the Princess’-

SMYCHKOVNonsense, sir. I’ve been here all the time. Haven’t I?

LAKEYICH slowly, purposefully, shakes his head.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)Well, most of it.

LAKEYICH shakes his head again, just as miserably.

SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)...Bits of it?

LAKEYICH(Mouthing silently)

No...

PRINCE BIBULOVOh, take him away! Take him away!

PRINCESS CONSTANZA gets out of the case, fully dressed.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAWhy has the music stopped? Why has it stopped? My, what are you doing to this man?

MAJORDOMOUh! Leave him alone, let him go.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAGood evening, father. Good evening, mother.

23.

COUNT ALEXEIConstanza! My dear.

COUNT ALEXEI grubbily kisses her cheeks and hand.

PRINCESS CONSTANZAAlexis-

BIBULOV’S WIFE(Mouthing silently)

Alexei!!

PRINCESS CONSTANZADid you have a good journey, Alexei?

COUNT ALEXEI(Dirtily, slowly)

Ahh, hah-hah-hah-hah. Ah, heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Mmm...

He leads her to dance.

MAJORDOMOPlay, Maestro, play!

The band resumes playing, but SMYCHKOV finds himself constantly distracted by the two dancing; wishing desperately to be alone with PRINCESS CONSTANZA again. The song ends, but SMYCHKOV noticeably continues to play. When the next song begins, everyone in the room starts to dance. PRINCE BIBULOV with BIBULOV’S WIFE, MAID with FOOTMAN, and somehow COUNT ALEXEI with MAJORDOMO. Amongst the busy dancing, both SMYCHKOV and PRINCESS CONSTANZA disappear. LAKEYICH realizes the bass player isn’t gone, and the rest of them eventually realise that the Princess is missing.

PRINCE BIBULOVWhy did the music stop?

COUNT ALEXEIWhere is my betrothed?

BIBULOV’S WIFEWhere are the strawberries?

LAKEYICH...Smychkov.

In a worry and fluster they all exit to search for them.

Outside, behind the audience, PRINCESS CONSTANZA and SMYCHKOV are once naked; she serenades him with a recorder.

THE ENDING.

24.