rmy oldier - fort benning · 2019. 5. 10. · so i feel i have some experiences worth sharing. ......

YYOUROURSSOLDIEROLDIER

YYOUROURAARMYRMY

A PARENTS’ GUIDEBy Vicki Cody

The Institute of Land WarfareAssociation of the United States Army

Preface ............................................................................ v

Chapter 1: A Soldier in Your Family ................................. 1

Soldier’s Creed...................................................................... 3

Chapter 2: Deployment Orders ........................................ 6

Deployment Process ............................................................. 8

Chapter 3: Planning Ahead ............................................ 14

Deployment Checklist ......................................................... 16

Chapter 4: Getting Through the Deployment ................. 20

Family Readiness Groups ................................................... 22

Chapter 5: It’s a Matter of Trust ...................................... 29

The Baron’s Legacy ............................................................ 30

Chapter 6: The In-Laws ................................................. 34

Unique Army for a New Nation ............................................ 36

Chapter 7: What if . . .? .................................................. 43

In Case of Emergency at Home .......................................... 45

Chapter 8: Yellow Ribbons ............................................. 48

Reunion Blues ..................................................................... 49

Chapter 9: Terms, Acronyms and Other Army Stuff ........ 52

Rank Insignia ...................................................................... 55

Chapter 10: Afterword .................................................... 62

Useful Websites .................................................................. 65

iii

Your Soldier, Your Army: A Parents’ GuideBy Vicki Cody

Editor

Eric Minton

Cover Design

Randy M. Yasenchak

Technical Support

Southeastern Printing and Litho

© Copyright 2005

Association of the United States Army

All rights reserved.

The Institute of Land Warfare

Association of the United States Army

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Arlington, Virginia 22201-3385

703-841-4300

www.ausa.org

Publication of

Your Soldier, Your Army: A Parents’ Guidewas made possible by a grant from

ii

Contents

I am an Army wife and a mother. That pretty muchsums up who I am. I wear a lot of hats and play manyroles, but first and foremost I am a wife and a mother.I’m married to a Soldier (30 years). I’ve known my hus-band since he was a cadet at West Point, I’ve come upthrough the ranks with him and we raised two sonsalong the way. Then, I became an Army mom . . .twofold. Both of our sons chose the Army as theircareer. In fact, both became helicopter pilots like theirfather. To add to all of this, I’m a mother-in-law—ouryounger son was married three months before hedeployed to Iraq.

So I feel I have some experiences worth sharing.When I began writing this book both sons weredeployed to Iraq, serving in the same brigade. As I fin-ish this book, both sons are either in Iraq or on theirway. Once again, both are in the same unit, one thattheir dad commanded. You could say they’re carryingon a family tradition—one that’s making me go graywith worry!

My husband’s still on active duty, stationed at thePentagon. At one point, two years ago, while he was

viv

Preface

I have an advantage of having been part of this sys-tem for the past 30 years. I have a deep understandingof the military in general, and I have access to all kindsof information, resources and support systems. Still, Iknow how scary it’s been for me having both sons in acombat zone, and I think about all the parents out therewho don’t have that background. This must be veryconfusing and frightening for them.

So, I want to use my knowledge, experiences, can-dor, insight—whatever I have I want to share withother families. I’m a little old-fashioned in that I stillbelieve in the power of the human touch or connection.I also believe each of us can make a difference.Sometimes it’s something as simple as reassuring afrightened mom or dad and letting them know they’renot alone, that every one of us who has a loved one ina combat zone lives with the same fear and dread.Sometimes they just need to know there’s a toll-freenumber they can call to get in touch with the reardetachment of their Soldier’s unit, or maybe there aresome terms they don’t understand, or why the mailtakes so long, or why their Soldier hasn’t been able tocall for weeks. Sometimes they just need a little knowl-edge of a very complex and vast organization. I wish Icould wrap my arms around all the parents out there.

Since I can’t do that, maybe this book can be ofservice. If sharing my experience can help family mem-bers cope with this war and other deployments, then itwill have been worth every bit of my time and effort.Wife of a Soldier; mother of two Soldiers; mother-in-law to a Soldier’s newlywed wife—I’m continuing myrole as coach and mentor, but now it’s more personalthan ever. It’s from this perspective that I speak.

Vicki CodyArlington, Virginia

1 September 2005

vii

commanding the 101st Airborne Division and ourolder son had just joined the division, both were inAfghanistan at the same time. I guess God was watch-ing out for me because by the time our younger sonjoined the division, my husband had already beenassigned to the Pentagon. I definitely could not havehandled all three being deployed at the same time!

My husband has commanded at every level in theArmy. Over the years, I’ve coached, mentored, con-soled, grieved with, laughed with and cried with Armyspouses. I’ve helped form and participated in spousereadiness groups. I’ve done everything in my power tomake Army life just a little bit better, a little bit easier onthe families, whether in peacetime or during war.

Believe me when I say we’ve come a long way whenit comes to spouse programs, awareness, resources,information flow and outreach in general. For the pastfour or five years, the Army has been very focused onthe well-being of the Soldier and his or her spouse andchildren. However, many other family members areaffected by the Soldier’s military service, especially par-ents and grandparents. What are we doing to help pre-pare them for deployments?

To the spouses we offer classes, literature, pro-grams, readiness groups and support groups. The Armyknows that knowledge is empowering and comfortingand even improves the readiness of a unit. Most Armyspouses live on or near the post from which theirSoldier deploys, so they have access to all the programsand are surrounded by other spouses going throughexactly what they are going through—there’s comfortand strength in that.

Parents and grandparents, on the other hand, prob-ably don’t live near the post. And, yes, some parents areor were Soldiers or happen to be married to a Soldier.Many more, however, are unfamiliar with military life.

vi

1

So you have a Soldier in your family . . . how exciting!Let me just say right now what a great honor it is tohave a Soldier in your family. You should feel so proud.Regardless of where you come from, your race, religionor political views, you need to realize how importantyour Soldier is to our Armyand to our country. You mayhave mixed feelings and emo-tions about all of this, butabove all you should bebursting with pride. Youshould be “lump in yourthroat, goose bumps on yourarms, and tears in your eyes”proud! There is no greaterprofession, nothing morenoble than wearing the uni-form of our U.S. Army. YourSoldier raised his right handand swore to protect and defend this great country andits Constitution. Wow, that’s pretty powerful!

Maybe this is a first for you and your family; maybeyou’ve never had a relative in the military. Whether

A SoldierIn Your Family

It doesn’tmatter where

the Soldierdeploysbecause

whenever aSoldier deploysit puts stresson his family.

viii

wouldn’t change onething, and I can’t think ofanyone else I would tradeplaces with. It’s been anexciting adventure fortwo kids from small-town Vermont. We’vetraveled all over theworld and met somepretty exciting peoplealong the way, from thePresident and First Ladyto music and movie stars,athletes, politicians, gen-erals and privates andevery kind of Soldier inbetween. Most importantwere the Soldiers andtheir families who havetruly blessed our livesand made this journey sorewarding.

It was these greatAmerican heroes oursons grew up with andwanted to emulate. It wasArmy life that shaped all four of us. We raised two won-derful sons amid the moves and separations and tur-moil of war. And those two boys we dragged all overkingdom come—who went to three high schools each,who did not get to play certain varsity sports becausewe had just moved to a new school, whose dad missedbirthdays and other holidays, who got to see theirgrandparents and other relatives only once a year or onvery special occasions—have chosen the Army for theircareers. In fact, each will tell you that all he ever want-ed to be was an Apache helicopter pilot like his dad.

3A SOLDIER IN YOUR FAMILY

Soldier’s CreedI am an American Soldier.

I am a Warrior and a member of

a team.

I serve the people of the United

States and live the Army

Values.

I will always place the mission

first.

I will never accept defeat.

I will never quit.

I will never leave a fallen com-

rade.

I am disciplined, physically and

mentally tough, trained and

proficient in my warrior tasks

and drills.

I always maintain my arms, my

equipment and myself.

I am an expert and I am a pro-

fessional.

I stand ready to deploy, engage,

and destroy the enemies of

the United States of America

in close combat.

I am a guardian of freedom and

the American way of life.

I am an American Soldier.

you’re military or civilian, this can be a confusing andfrustrating time for your family, especially if yourSoldier is deployed or facing a deployment. From hereon I will refer to your loved one as your Soldier, sincethat covers son, daughter, spouse, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, officer, noncommissioned officer (NCO), enlist-ed, active Army, Army National Guard and ArmyReserve. Otherwise I would spend most of these pagestrying to use the politically correct term every time Iwant to refer to your loved one.

Because of the world situation, the Global War onTerrorism and the downsizing of the military, you canexpect that if your Soldier has not already deployed shewill deploy in the near future. It is the nature of thisbusiness. Your Soldier may deploy more than once, withonly a few months between deployments. Our olderson graduated from helicopter flight school and withintwo months deployed to Afghanistan for six months.He returned to Fort Campbell, Kentucky, for sixmonths and then deployed to Iraq for 12 months. Hehas spent 18 of the past 24 months in combat. His isjust one example of many.

We live in a troubling time, and our military is beingcalled upon more than ever to protect not just theUnited States but other countries and their people. Themilitary also has increased its homeland security mis-sion. Not every Soldier is deployed overseas; many aredeployed to other posts, camps and stations throughoutthe United States for this homeland security mission. Itdoesn’t matter where the Soldier deploys because when-ever a Soldier deploys it puts stress on his family.

Army life is not an easy life, and it’s not for every-one. But, if you have a Soldier in your family, let meoffer you reassurance. I’ve been married to a Soldier for30 years, and while we have faced many challengingtimes and made many sacrifices along the way, overall I

2 YOUR SOLDIER, YOUR ARMY: A PARENT’S GUIDE

you choose to look at it that way.

Your Soldier will meet people and travel all over theworld. He will mature faster than you can imagine andlearn to shoulder responsibility at a young age, unlikehis civilian counterparts. A Soldier learns to survive andtake care of himself and his buddies to the right and leftof him. The Army, by nature, builds teams and self-esteem; it gives young adults a sense of purpose andself-worth. These are traits that take years to build in thecivilian workplace. Think about people who work at ajob or go through life and never take a risk, never takea stand, never test themselves. A Soldier does all thatvery early on; she may be only 19 years old but with thematurity of someone twice her age.

Men and women join the Army for different rea-sons; as long as they join for the right reasons, ourArmy will continue to fill itsranks with brave young menand women—our sons anddaughters—who make it agreat institution and themightiest Army in the world.These young kids fight battlesone day and help innocentvictims the next day. They goafter the likes of SaddamHussein and then hand outteddy bears to Iraqi children.(I use Iraq as an example, butour Soldiers are performingpeacekeeping acts in manycountries around the world.)So get ready for the adventureand just be ready to supportyour Soldier in any possibleway, whenever he needs you.

5A SOLDIER IN YOUR FAMILY

Remember!• The U.S. Soldier is a rare

breed of hero and should be a

source of great pride for you.

• “Soldier” refers to both gen-

ders and all ranks, active,

Guard and Reserve.

• Despite its hardships, a mili-

tary life is full of wonderful

experiences and people.

• No matter your Soldier’s spe-

cialty, expect deployments.

• Your Soldier has chosen this

profession. While it’s natural

for you to worry, your Soldier

still deserves your full support

because your nation’s security

is now in your Soldier’s well-

trained hands.

• Embrace it all!

Our boys enteredinto military servicewith their eyes wideopen. They’ve livedthe Army life for,respectively, 24 and26 years, and theystill chose it whentheir time came.And we couldn’t bemore proud. Veryworried, but proud!

I tell you all ofthis not to soundlike a bragging par-ent but to give yousome insight intoan Army family andhow great Army lifehas been for myfamily. We are closer than most families; we have some-thing special that people envy, and it’s because of thisway of life.

As for the upheavals and separations the Armyoften put our family through, I learned early on that itdoes no good to dig in my heels and resist. It’s a wasteof time and energy and only makes the situation worse.I try to learn from the situation and make some goodcome from it. It’s not always easy. So much in life is outof our control, and much about the Army is way out ofour control!

It’s not that I’m naïve or have my head buried in thesand; I just try to focus on the positive rather than thenegative. I know Army life is tough and demanding—not to mention the low pay, long hours, separations,deployments, etc. But the good far outweighs the bad if


Your Soldier can makeheadlines in your localnewspaper through theArmy and Air ForceHometown NewsService. The Soldierfills out DD Form 2266,which includes thenames and addressesof living parents, step-parents, guardians,grandparents orother relatives ofthe Soldier and herspouse. The Army then sendsnews of the Soldier’s accom-plishments to newspapersserving those relatives. It’s agood way to notify your com-munity of your Soldier’s pro-motions, awards, transfersand deployments.

troops—specifically, another Apache helicopter battal-ion. I’ll never forget that day when my husband camehome from work; he had this awful look on his face ashe told me he was sending our son’s unit into combatimmediately because things were getting “hot” over inAfghanistan. I was stunned. I remember saying some-thing really profound, like “I said the boys could be inthe Army, but I never signed up for combat this soon!”As if my wishes had anything to do with it.

I’m telling you right now, that was a big jolt of real-ity. Because more pilots and aircraft were desperatelyneeded, our son’s unit deployed within 72 hours. At thispoint I already knew far too much, so I was scared todeath—but I couldn’t let our son know that. My hus-band was scared, too. It just seemed too soon, like ourson hadn’t been in the Army long enough. I rememberasking my husband if our son would go right into com-bat. My husband reassured me he would be given timeto get oriented. Six months later, when our sonreturned home, I asked what happened when he firstlanded in Afghanistan. He said they were given a brief-ing, then their commander tossed some maps to himand his co-pilot and said, “Study these maps, you’regoing into combat tomorrow.” It’s a good thing I neverknew that until after the fact—I would’ve tried to saysomething to someone and totally embarrass myselfand our son! (I’d like to think I have some say in all ofthis, but I know it’s totally out of my control.)

That was our first experience with sending a son offto combat. So I know exactly how you’re feeling. You’reprobably thinking, “When did this kid grow up andbecome old enough to go off to war?” One minute youare sitting proudly at her graduation from high school,college, basic training or flight school; now she’spreparing to go into harm’s way. I remember thinking,“It’s not time yet, just give us a little more time.”

ust when you think you’re getting used to yourSoldier’s way of life and you’re feeling pretty goodabout Army life, it happens: Your Soldier calls you andsays the dreaded “D” word—DEPLOYMENT.

Suddenly everything in your life changes. When myhusband was commanding the 101st Airborne Divisiona couple of years ago, our son was getting out of flightschool and was assigned tothe 101st. (He wanted tocome to his dad’s division; incase they went to combat, hesaid, he wanted to go withhis dad.) I’m not thinkingdeployment—I’m thinkingthat for the first time in sixyears I’ll have one of oursons nearby. I’m picturingSunday dinners, time togeth-er. Well, that scenario lasted less than two months.

The 101st already had a few thousand Soldiers inAfghanistan supporting Operation Enduring Freedom.Then Operation Anaconda started and the commanderin Afghanistan called back to my husband for more

6 7DEPLOYMENT ORDERS

This is onetime your

Soldier needsyour

unwaveringsupport.

DeploymentOrders

J

When both boys deployed to Iraq, I have to say itwas pretty rough. The only comfort I had was that ourboys were together in the same area in Iraq—and theywere excited to be together. Having his brother aroundwas a morale booster for our older son, who’d alreadybeen there seven months. For the younger one, know-ing his big brother would be waiting for him when hearrived was a huge deal. So my husband and I foundcomfort in knowing the boys were together.

Now that we have all that out in the open, let’s talkabout the actual deployment. Military movements, bynature, are classified. Your Soldier is not being evasivewhen he says he can’t answer your questions. Not alldeployments are for combat. Your Soldier’s unit may beassigned a support mission in the continental UnitedStates (CONUS), or it may be a standard deploymentfor an exercise at one of the Army’s training centers.Those 30-day rotations, training-related and publicizedwell in advance, still require Soldiers to prepare as if fora real deployment—and the negative effects on thefamily can be the same as for that of a real deployment.

9DEPLOYMENT ORDERS

sometimes including destina-tion and timeline—even to fami-ly members.

There is no generic deploy-ment. While Soldiers may haveestablished checklists and pro-cedures to follow leading up todeployments, every deploymentis different. The one constant inall deployments is flux. Soldiersthemselves sometimes feel likethey are on a yo-yo as depar-ture and return dates shift. Thisis a historical fact of militaryoperations, and technology hasnot brought much improvement.

Scheduling depends on manyfactors, including aircraft avail-ability, capacity on the receivingend, unexpected changes in thedynamics of the mission andeven the weather.

The number and length ofdeployments vary according tothe Soldier’s specialty, unit andmission. Some Soldiers deployseveral times a year for weeksor months at a time; someSoldiers deploy for yearlongtours and may deploy againwithin months of returninghome.

The hardest thing for a parent is to let go of a childand not have any control over the situation. It’s humannature to want to make everything right and protect ourkids no matter their age. It’s far worse than when yousent them off to college or to join the Army; an over-seas deployment is a whole other level of parentalworry. I remember saying to my husband that it seemedlike yesterday the boys were in high school and college,and our worries were drinking and driving, drugs, sex,etc. Suddenly, it was roadside bombs, ambushes, mis-siles shooting down their aircraft, and horrible sand-storms. There were so many things to worry about Ididn’t know how I could sleep at night. Suddenly, real-world dangers were confronting our young sons, and noone could promise me they would be OK. At this pointyou’ve got to have faith and trust in your Soldier’s lead-ers, in his command and in the Army. Otherwise you’lldrive yourself crazy. Don’t think you’re alone in yourworries and fears. Everyone who has a deployed Soldieris feeling these things. My husband, the Soldier, has toldme many times how scared or worried he is about hissons. It makes me feel better to know I’m not alone.


“Deployment” refers to therelocation of forces and materielto desired operational areas.Deployment encompasses allactivities from home stationthrough destination, includingintracontinental, intercontinentaland intratheater movement,staging and holding areas.

Deployments range in sizefrom a single Soldier assigned aspecific task to the wholesalemovement of several battalions.Deployments include assign-ments to combat theaters,assignments to support opera-

tions (overseas or within theUnited States), responding tonatural disasters and standardrotations to the NationalTraining Center (NTC) at FortIrwin, California, or JointReadiness Training Center(JRTC) at Fort Polk, Louisiana.

Most military movements,even some exercises, are clas-sified, what’s called operationalsecurity (OPSEC). Its purposeis to protect Soldiers, units andthe mission upon which theyare embarking. Soldiers aretrained not to give out details—

Deployment Process

you want to bethere to say good-bye, but sometimesit’s too difficult. Ifyour Soldier is sta-tioned outside thecontinental UnitedStates (e.g., Hawaiior Germany), youmay not be able toget there. If that’sthe case, at least tryto be there whenyour Soldier comeshome from thedeployment.

Most of thetime units deployon Air Force trans-ports, which can

make it even harder to predict when they will depart;schedules change, planes break down and other priori-ties can intervene. Sometimes, if the deployment ishuge and the Air Force can’t provide enough transportplanes, the military contracts charter or commercial air-lines to get the troops overseas.

Even if you can’t be there in person, there arethings you can do to support your Soldier during thisstressful time. A Soldier’s life gets very hectic as thedeployment approaches. He’ll have so many things toaccomplish to get the unit and himself ready. He’ll beworking long, exhausting hours for days on end; it’sbackbreaking work, and there’s little personal time. Ifyour Soldier is in a leadership position (e.g., platoon ser-geant, platoon leader, company commander), she’llhave a lot more responsibility and work even longer

11DEPLOYMENT ORDERS

The home-front supportorganization for Armyunits is the FamilyReadiness Group (FRG)at the unit’s home post.But now that units aredeploying for longerperiods, and thehome front itself is asbroad as the nation,the Army is startinga new program ofvirtual FamilyReadiness Groups(vFRGs). These Web pagesprovide a portal for officialand unofficial informationbetween the unit, Soldiers andfamilies, including instantmessaging, forums, postcardsand file sharing. Visitwww.armyfrg.org for moreinformation.

Deployments are very complex. Their executiondepends on many things, and some of those things(e.g., dates, times) change constantly. The larger thedeployment of troops and equipment, the more com-plicated it is. When a large unit like the 101st AirborneDivision or the 3d Infantry Division deploys to a com-bat zone, the units are given a time line to accomplisheverything. The Army prefers to give units as muchnotice as possible, but I know from my experiences asan Army wife, with my husband deploying all over theworld for various reasons, that sometimes the Soldierwill get no notice at all. My husband literally left one daywhile the kids and I were at the beach! For OperationDesert Shield/Desert Storm, his unit had about 10days’ notice but the rest of the division had six weeksto get ready. When our son deployed to Afghanistan, hehad just three days to get ready. Last year when the101st was leaving for Kuwait, our son starting hintingabout a month before that he was deploying.

Commanders can’t give out all the details too far inadvance, but people can figure out that something ishappening just by all the activity in the unit. Then, asthe deployment gets closer, the Soldiers are given tenta-tive dates and times. You may get only a small windowof opportunity to get there to see your Soldier beforehe leaves. It’s difficult to arrange a flight if you are notsure exactly when your Soldier is leaving. Some parentsgo well before the actual deployment so they can plantheir trip in advance. I like to be there as close to thedeparture as possible, but that’s risky when you live faraway. The last time, my husband and I barely got therethe night before our son left.

If you’re able to drive, that’s the best way to go.Then, when your Soldier finds out she’s really leaving,you would still have time to get there by car unless youlive across the country. It’s such a difficult time because


Because Army life is full of the unexpected, I suggestyou and your Soldier discuss things and get organizedbefore deployment orders come down. Much of whatI’ll talk about in this chapter is common sense, butyou’d be surprised the details that get overlooked whena deployment is looming on the horizon. Things youcan do ahead of time willease your mind later on andhopefully make life easier forall of you when and if youface a deployment.

If your Soldier is singleand you have a good rela-tionship, I suggest that heprovide you a power ofattorney (POA). Both timesour single son deployed hegave me a power of attorney.You both have to feel comfortable about it.Unfortunately, not everyone has a trusting relationshipwith his parents, and I’ve heard some horror storiesabout parents wiping out bank accounts. Here are somecircumstances when you would need a POA: to renew

13

You’d besurprised at

the details thatget overlooked

when adeployment islooming on the

horizon.

PlanningAhead

hours. The bottom line is that the unit has to be packedup and ready to go by a certain date, so everything hasto be accomplished. There’s no “almost ready” or “weneed a few more days”—everyone in the unit works dayand night until everything is ready.

All you can do at this point is be there for yourSoldier, to listen, guide, advise and, above all, be posi-tive. This is one time your Soldier needs your unwaver-ing support. His plate is more than full, and it’s a stress-ful time, so try not to do anything to bring him downor show doubt about what’s happening. None of thatwill help. There’s no turning back, so just be upbeat.

You can express your fears to your spouse or a closefriend, but if your Soldier thinks you’re scared, it putsmore pressure on her. I know it’s hard to be upbeat at atime like this because deep inside you are scared andworried. But at the same time, you are probably proudand maybe a little excited. Focus on that.

As for me, I do really wellleading up to the actualdeployment; I put on anamazing performance. I amable to talk about the deploy-ment—it seems surreal, as ifit’s not happening—and I’mvery positive. But the minutethat plane takes off, I cave in;I become a blubbering fool,and for a few days I cry overanything and everything. I’veheard this same testimonyfrom countless moms anddads, so if this happens toyou, know that you’re notalone. It gets a little easierwith each passing day.


Remember!• Your Soldier is likely to deploy

at some point during his

career. That’s part of his job,

and you can’t change that.

• Your worry adds to his worry;

be supportive and helpful.

• For most deployments, desti-

nation and timeline are classi-

fied.

• Most deployments are com-

plex and subject to change.

• You may get months’ notice of

your Soldier’s deployment,

you may get only hours’

notice. Don’t blame him, and

complaining doesn’t help.

15PLANNING AHEAD

Deployment ChecklistEven when a Soldier gets

notice of a deployment well inadvance, the crush of herpreparing for the mission canleave the family unprepared forher absence. The followingchecklist helps a Soldier’s fam-ily, including parents, handlethe deployment:

• Set up a power of attorney,

one for financial matters

and one for health matters.

The base Legal Affairs

office can help. This would

be a good opportunity to get

wills written, too.

• Work out a budget to make

sure monthly bills and

deployment-induced costs

are covered. Determine

who will pay bills in the

event the Soldier cannot.

The Soldier can set up pay

allotments to cover bills and

household expenses.

• Make child care plans,

especially if both spouses

work. Set up contingency

child care plans in the event

of an emergency.

• Write a list of next of kin,

personal lawyer, family

mechanic, trusted friend

and the like, with phone

numbers and addresses.

• Create an e-mail list of fam-

ily members and friends to

send updates.

• Inform next of kin about

how to contact the Soldier in

case of emergency and let

them know the assistance

available to them.

• Check the expiration dates

on military ID cards and

make sure the Emergency

Data Cards and Family

Care Plans are up to date.

• Check the car and major

appliances to make sure

they are in good working

order.

• Give family members tours

of the house to show them

such things as fuse boxes

and water heaters. Give

family members tours of the

post to show them the Army

Community Service Center,

chapel and unit.

• Create an important docu-

ments file that is secure but

the family can easily

access. Among the docu-

ments that should be readi-

ly available are medical,

shot and dental records for

every member of the family

(including pets), birth certifi-

cates and adoption papers

of each family member, citi-

zenship or naturalization

papers, marriage certificate,

divorce papers, death cer-

tificates, discharge papers,

passports and visas, copies

of orders, leave and earn-

ings statements, wills and

living wills, real estate docu-

ments such as leases, mort-

gages and deeds, car title

and registration, federal and

state tax returns, and a list

of credit cards, installment

contracts and loans with

account numbers.

his car registration and car insurance, access bankaccounts and file his income tax.

My son also left me a book of signed checks so Icould pay a few monthly bills. He was able to do muchof his banking himself once Internet service becameavailable in Iraq. Sometimes, however, they get to alocation where they don’t have access to the Internet.Also, your Soldier can have payments for many of hermonthly bills (e.g., car, rent or mortgage, loans) auto-matically taken out of her paycheck. Our son deployedso quickly he didn’t have time to set up those accounts.

If your Soldier is renting a house or apartment offpost, he may decide to move out before the deploymentbegins and put everything in temporary storage. Thishas some advantages, mainly not having to pay rent andutilities. The problem comes upon return from thedeployment; unless someone has found him a placeahead of time, your Soldier will have no place to livewhen he gets off that plane. Recently, when the 101streturned to Fort Campbell, rental property was in suchshort supply that Soldiers and their families were livingin motels. That can use up a lot of money really fast.

Our son was renting a house off post with anotherhelicopter pilot, and they decided to keep the housewhile they were deployed. They had their phone andcable shut off but kept their account open so theywouldn’t have to start over when they returned. Theyhad to keep the water, gas and electric on, but themonthly utility bills were small. Our son had his mailforwarded to me, and I paid these monthly bills as theycame in using the book of signed checks he left me.The biggest expense was the rent. He and his room-mate had left signed, dated checks with their rentalagency for 12 months. Once again, your Soldier has toknow and trust whomever he’s dealing with before hecan leave checks with people or agencies.


I also paid our son’s credit card bills each month.He had paid off the account before he left, but oncethings were more settled in Iraq, he was able to makeon-line purchases. A post exchange (PX) was also set upover there, and he was charging items on a regular basis.You’re probably wondering what kinds of charges hehad from over there; he bought a small TV/DVD play-er and started buying movies—so many movies that hebecame known as “Blockbuster” and everyone came tohim to borrow or watch movies. I sent him his air pop-corn popper and a supply of popcorn, and he was liv-ing large! It’s amazing what little things like that meanto Soldiers when they’ve been living in the desert withabsolutely nothing for a couple of months. The bottomline is to get all the finances organized now and consol-idate wherever possible. That makes it easier for youand your Soldier.

If your Soldier has pets, make sure she has a planfor them. I can’t tell you the number of stray animals atFort Campbell when the division deployed forOperation Desert Shield/Desert Storm. Soldiers justdidn’t take the time—or maybe they didn’t know who toturn to—and simply left their animals behind whenthey deployed. It was a big problem. In those days noneof us were ready for such a huge deployment thatinvolved the entire division. Because everyone wasdeploying, the Soldiers couldn’t leave their pets withbuddies. I think it caught many people off guard. Don’tlet that happen to your Soldier. Make sure someone isable to keep the pets long before there are deploymentorders.

If your Soldier rents or owns a house with a yard,he needs to make arrangements to have the yard takencare of. Our son and his roommate forgot to ask any-one; because they had deployed in February, it was easyto forget about the yard. The following summer whenour other son got to Fort Campbell and stayed at his


brother’s house, hewas surprised to seethe yard in perfectshape. Then helearned that thenext-door neighborhad been caring forour son’s lawn thewhole time he wasgone. And not justmowing, but edgingand watering! WhenI met this man hetold me he had beencaring for threelawns for deployedSoldiers, and hewouldn’t accept anymoney. He said it was the very least he could do forSoldiers fighting for the freedoms he and his familyenjoy. What a wonderful patriot!

If your Soldier has a high-profile or expensive car,she needs to find a safe place to store it. Most Armyposts have a secure area for vehicles, but they are out-side in the elements. If the post is prone to severeweather—hail, tornadoes, extreme temperatures—shemay want to make other arrangements. One of oursons kept his car with one of our friends who lives nearthe post. Our other son brought his car to us inArlington, Virginia; we have a garage and he didn’t.

Make sure you know your Soldier’s exact unit—hiscompany, battalion and brigade. Ask for the names ofthe First Sergeant and the company commander. Younever know when you might need that information.Like when your child first went off to school—youknew the teacher’s name, the school number and prob-ably the names of your child’s playmates—you want to

17PLANNING AHEAD

Single Soldiers withchildren, dual militarycouples with children,and Soldiers whosespouses are not able tocare for children orthemselves must havea Family Care Plan—adesignated guardianfor the children—incase of deployment.If you are thedesignatedguardian make sureyou are fully preparedphysically and financially, andimmerse yourself in thedeployment process, theArmy’s family services andyour Soldier’s duties.

Having your Soldier in a combat zone will be themost stressful time for you and your family. There’s notmuch I can say or do to ease your fears, but I can giveyou some things to think about and tell you what hashelped me and other parents.

You get back into your routine, but you think aboutyour Soldier constantly and wait anxiously for that firstphone call, e-mail or letter.Once you have contact withyour Soldier, you feel better.

If your Soldier goes intoa combat situation where youhave limited—or nonexist-ent—communication withhim, the situation is muchmore stressful for everyone. When our son got toKuwait, he was able to call a few times. Then the warstarted and they all moved up through Iraq for combatoperations. That began the most stressful time I’ve everbeen through: no phone calls, no e-mail, nothing forweeks at a time. And he wasn’t getting mail from us. Iwas so frustrated—I wanted our son to get our pack-ages and letters, and I wanted to get mail from him!

19

Suddenly, youdon’t take

anything forgranted.

Getting Throughthe Deployment

know the people closest to your Soldier. Get the nameof the rear detachment commander and the unit phonenumber. You never know when you might need to callthat person.

When I was working the Army Hotline I got a callfrom a concerned father. He and his wife were going ona 10-day cruise and he was afraid that if something hap-pened while they were gone, the Army wouldn’t knowhow to get in touch with them. This was during thecombat phase, so there was no e-mail yet—they could

not even let their Soldierknow they were going away. Ireferred him to the FamilyAssistance Center (FAC) atthe post from which theirSoldier had deployed; fromthere he was given the phonenumber for the Soldier’s reardetachment. He called to pro-vide an emergency phonenumber and informationabout how long they wouldbe away from their home. Itgave this father peace ofmind just to know that hisSoldier’s unit would knowhow to get in touch with him.


Remember!• Make sure your Soldier has

the proper powers of attorney

and all financial matters

organized.

• Help your Soldier make

arrangements for children,

pets, vehicles, lawn mainte-

nance and household items

needing storage or care.

• Know the names and phone

numbers of your Soldier’s unit,

commander and the First

Sergeant.

• Know the name and phone

number of the rear detach-

ment commander.

warn me if he was going somewhere or if he knew theInternet would be down, but once I got used to regularcontact it was hard to go without for even a few days.The e-mails were my lifeline to both our sons while theywere in Iraq, but we couldn’t always count on it. It wasabout four months before our son had regular access tothe Internet. So those first few months we depended onregular mail, which took forever! But I would savorthose letters and read them over and over. I found thatboth our sons would say more and reveal more in let-ters than they might say on the phone. I felt a closenessto each one that was so special. Letters give both par-ties a chance to say things they might not ordinarily say.

I wrote at least once a week and tried to send apackage once a week. It was like therapy for me. WhenI mailed a box of goodies I felt close to him, like hewasn’t really that far away. It gave me a lot of satisfac-tion to find certain goodies I knew each son liked.Every week when I shopped my cart was full of stuff

21GETTING THROUGH THE DEPLOYMENT

They fill many roles:

• building Soldier and family

cohesion and morale;

• preparing soldiers and fami-

lies for deployments and for

the reunion;

• reducing Soldier and family

stress; and

• providing an avenue for

sharing timely, accurate

information.

For family members, FRGs

give a sense of belonging to

the unit and the Army commu-

nity. It provides a way to devel-

op friendships, share informa-

tion, obtain referrals to Army

resources and share moral

support during unit deploy-

ments. They also provide a

better understanding of Army

life and the unit’s mission.

For Soldiers, FRGs give

peace of mind. Soldiers can be

assured their family members

will be more self-sufficient and

will have reliable and friendly

support during their deploy-

ments. This peace of mind

helps Soldiers focus on their

work, perform better and be

safer.

It seemed like a simple request but, as my husbandreminded me, our son was in a combat situation. Hisunit was flying their helicopters up through the desert;there were no phone booths or Internet services, andmail call was sporadic at best. That was a tough time forall of us. We went six weeks without hearing from him,and it almost did me in. I just wanted to hear his voiceand know he was OK. My husband would come homefrom the Pentagon at night and tell me our son’s unitwas “fine.” And I would always say, “But that’s notenough . . . I want to hear from him!” You just have toget through those tough times, and it is hard. Once theyall settled in and we were able to e-mail and talk everyweek or so, it made a big difference. It made it bearable.

Mail is so important to your Soldier and to all ofyou back home. E-mailing is a great quick fix if yourSoldier can do it on a regular basis. The only problemwas getting used to daily e-mails and then not hearinganything from our son for a few days. Usually he would


Family Readiness Groups

Many Army units havedeveloped Family ReadinessGroups (FRGs), officially sanc-tioned organizations providingan avenue of mutual support,assistance and communicationfor the unit’s Soldiers, civilianemployees and their familymembers.

FRGs grew out of FamilySupport Groups, which formedwhen Army families bandedtogether during war or at isolat-ed locations. These groupsprovided information, moralsupport and social outlets fortheir members.

After the Gulf War the Army

recognized the role of thesegroups in overall force readi-ness and changed their nameto emphasize the need forreadiness and self-sufficiencyamong Army families. Whilemembership is automatic, par-ticipation is voluntary.

Furthermore, FRG member-ship is now encouraged forextended families, boyfriends,girlfriends and members of thecommunity.

FRGs are an informationconduit, welcoming organiza-tion, self-help referral organi-zation and a source of socialsupport and group activities.

When our older son was in Afghanistan, only a fewfamily members wrote to him. Then, six months laterwhen he left for Iraq, many of our extended familymembers started writing him. I think our family feltsorry for him and seemed to take more of an interest.That deployment was all over the news, and then thecombat phase really hit home to just about everyone inour country. The neat thing was all these people writingto our son—some, like distant cousins, aunts and unclesfrom other parts of the country, had never even methim. But they wrote faithfully and sent goodie boxes.

Let me share a little story with you. We live on FortMyer, a beautiful little Army post across the Potomacfrom Washington, D.C. It’s so picturesque, with beauti-ful views of the Washington and Lincoln memorialsand, on a clear day, the nation’s Capitol. It’s also hometo the Army’s Old Guard and Arlington NationalCemetery. For the past two years I’ve watched the dailyfuneral processions go down the street with the rider-less horse and the caisson carrying the flag-draped cof-fin. It’s always a sobering sight, something none of ushere takes for granted. Arlington Cemetery averagesabout 26 funerals a day. In the past it was mostly WorldWar II, Korea and Vietnam veterans being buried. Butlast year the caisson began carrying Soldiers from thiswar. For me, with two sons in combat, the funeral pro-cessions took on a more personal meaning and servedas a daily reminder of the war in Iraq.

One afternoon while on my daily walk with ourdog, I noticed a large family gathering on the porch ofthe guest house next door to our home. A young manand woman came down off the porch and wanted topet our dog, a big, friendly chocolate Lab. Theyappeared to be in their 20s. I asked if they were here fora family reunion. The young man said, “We buried ourbrother today. He was killed in Iraq last week.”


for the boys, and Iloved thinking ofinnovative thingsto send. I wasdoing what I lovedoing—“mother-ing.” For me thisworked. You needto check with theunit and postoffice about anycontent and mail-ing restrictions.

The boys’ dadwrote to bothevery week. Whata great opportuni-ty to communi-cate with youradult kids. Thinkabout it—in ournormal, busy, hec-tic, everyday lives,

how often do we as parents take the time to write ourthoughts and tell our kids how proud we are of themand how much we love them? Most parents say thesethings in a card on special occasions, but how often dowe do it throughout the year, especially with our adultkids? I’ve always been pretty open with my feelings andmy affection toward my boys, but when they leave to goto combat it puts life in a whole new perspective for allof us military moms and dads. Suddenly, you don’t takeanything for granted. I think it brings close familieseven closer and affords all of us a wonderful opportu-nity to show our love and support for one another likenever before. So don’t miss the opportunity.


For security reasons orhost-country culturalissues, some items youwould like to place in acare package may not beallowed. Then, too, youwant to make sure thatwhat you pack reachesyour Soldier. OperationMilitary Pride providesa good guide on carepackage packing, aswell as suggestionson activities you can doin your community. Visitwww.operationmilitarypride.com

for more information. Anotherorganization, AdoptaPlatoon,(www.adoptaplatoon.org) canhelp you set up a communitysupport group for your Soldier’sunit. Other ideas for supportingSoldiers are at Defend America(www.defendamerica.mil/), andthe USO (www.uso.org) hasbeen serving America’s troopsfor more than 60 years.

night. Your Soldier may have waited in a long line to getto the phone. Most likely he will have other Soldiersaround him. He also may get only 10 minutes to talk.

Keep all that in mind when he calls. Always beupbeat and glad to hear from him, even in the middleof the night. One time I made the mistake of crying; Icouldn’t help it. I felt terrible afterwards because thatwas upsetting to him. One time I yawned and remind-ed him it was two in the morning; another mistakebecause it made him feel bad. I’m very open and hon-est with both sons, but there are times when I hold backtelling them something on the phone unless it is reallyserious. I don’t want to needlessly worry them. Instead,I think of upbeat things to talk about and fun newsfrom home. Often after a conversation I would think ofsomething I could have or should have said, but then Icouldn’t call him back. Now I keep a list by the phoneof things I want to say when he calls.

E-mail is great for daily communication, but thereis nothing like hearing your Soldier’s voice on thephone.

Something that helped me get through the toughtimes was talking to other parents who had a Soldierdeployed. I found myself gravitating toward othermoms and dads whenever I was in a large group. Askind and understanding as my close friends were, noneof them truly understood what I was going through. Iwanted to talk to other people in my situation; it wascomforting to know people who were experiencingwhat I was. I stayed in touch with the parents of ourson’s roommate. I had met them only briefly two yearsbefore at flight school graduation. They’re fromLouisiana, and I think this was their first and only expe-rience with a military deployment. She called the week-end after our sons left, and we basically cried and told


I was caught totally off guard. I offered my sympa-thy and condolences and asked how they were doing.They both said they were OK but that it was really hardon their mother and grandmother. I asked about theirbrother—his name, his unit—and found out he was inone of the infantry brigades with the 101st AirborneDivision. I told them my husband had just finishedcommanding the 101st, that we know most of the com-manders and that it’s a great unit. I could tell it was asmall comfort to them that I knew the 101st and someof the Soldiers in their brother’s unit, and I was glad tobe able to connect with them in any small way. I thentold them that both our sons were in Iraq with the 101stand how worried I was. I think they were surprised tomeet someone who had loved ones in Iraq.

As I turned to leave, the young man asked if hecould hug me, and he told me he would pray for mysons. Then he said something so powerful that it hasstayed with me since. He looked right at me and said, “Ifeel so bad I never wrote to my brother while he wasover there. I kept thinking he was coming home, andnow it’s too late.” It broke my heart, this poor youngman with all this guilt. It was hard for me not to cry, buthe needed something more than tears. I calmly asked,“Did you love your brother and did you support whathe was doing?”

He said, “Absolutely.” And I said, “Then he knowsthat, believe me, he knows how you feel.” He thankedme and I continued on my walk—crying the whole way.Don’t miss an opportunity to write your Soldier—youmay not get another chance.

Now we’re going to talk about phone calls. Thoughyou won’t be able to make phone calls to your Soldier,he will be able to call you. Because of the time zone dif-ference, the calls may come at any hour of the day or


around their citizen Soldiers and their families. They’resupporting them throughout the deployments, from thetime they prepare to deploy until they return. Entirecommunities have banded together to form a networkof support for these Soldiers and their families. This iswhat Family Readiness Groups are all about!

While our sons were deployed, I received monthlynewsletters and phone calls from their unit FamilyReadiness Group leaders. It wasn’t so much the infor-mation they would give me—it was the connection Ifelt to this person on the other end of the phone whosehusband was serving with my son in Iraq. I desperatelyneeded that connection, that link to my son who washalf a world away. I always felt better after talking tosomeone who was going through what I was goingthrough. Months later when I would finally meet thatperson, I would always feel aspecial bond; we were com-plete strangers yet connectedby what we had experienced.

I can’t stress enough theimportance of belonging to aFamily Readiness Group,whether your link is the tele-phone, e-mail or monthlynewsletter. It will give yousomething to belong to,something to put your energyinto, and it’s a way to meetother families who are goingthrough what you are. So findout if there’s a FamilyReadiness Group for yourSoldier’s unit or in your com-munity and join it—or startone yourself if you have to.


Remember!• Keep those letters, packages,

e-mails and phone calls flow-

ing; they are very important,

both to your Soldier and for

you.

• Check with the unit and post

office for any restrictions on

packages.

• When your Soldier calls you,

be upbeat.

• Connect with other parents.

Start a support group in your

community.

• Link up with your Soldier’s

Family Readiness Group

(FRG) and rear detachment.

• Make sure your Soldier has all

your current contact informa-

tion, including when you are

away from home.

each other how scared we were, though I tried toexplain some of what I knew. She and I continued totalk on the phone periodically throughout the deploy-ment, and it was helpful to both of us. When the guysreturned we were all there to welcome them home . . .and we had a good cry of relief.

I have another friend whose daughter deployedwith the 3d Infantry Division. Her daughter left themonth before our son; I comforted the mother then,and she was there for me when I needed it. Some daysshe would call me and be really down; I’d talk herthrough it and listen. Then maybe the next week Iwould be in a bad way and she would get me through it.It’s so important to connect with other people who aregoing through something similar. If you have to, startyour own support group for other parents of deployedSoldiers in your area.

An important connection for you—to your Soldier,her unit and other families—is the unit’s FamilyReadiness Group (FRG). As a military spouse for allthese years I’ve watched the evolution of these groupsfrom coffee and social groups, to Family SupportGroups, to what they are today. In the true sense of theterm they are meant to include anyone and everyonewho is connected to a Soldier.

This war more than others is showing all of us theneed for family and community support for ourSoldiers. Probably because of the length and frequencyof the combat tours and related deployments, more andmore parents, grandparents, other family members,employers and entire communities want to be part ofthe Family Readiness Groups. With so many ArmyNational Guard and Army Reserve units deploying, thewar has brought Army life into many more cities andtowns across America. The wonderful part of all this isthe way these cities and towns are wrapping their arms


cornered the market on worry in the past two years, butthe one thing I do not worry about are the leaders incharge of our two sons. I’ve been in this environmentfor so long and have witnessed firsthand the wonderfulNCOs and officers who lead our Soldiers.

The Army, an all-volunteer force since the end ofthe Vietnam War, is half the size it was in the 1990s, andwe are now a nation at war. So what we have in ourranks is a group of dedicated and committed NCOsand officers who are in the Army because they want tobe. Individuals in positions of leadership—from pla-toon sergeants to command sergeant majors, from pla-toon leaders to brigade commanders, and all the way upthe chain of command—are doing this because theylove soldiering and are absolutely committed to the mis-sion and the care of the Soldiers in their command.They’ve been to the best leadership schools in thecountry, and every step of the way they’re trained tolead. Only the very best get to be in command posi-tions—there’s no halfway when the Army puts some-one in charge of Soldiers. You must love the Army tobe in it; otherwise, how do you explain why Soldiersreenlist in combat zones?

My husband has served in six different divisionsand countless brigades, battalions and companies, inboth the “Green Army” and Special Operations. Hecould count on one hand the number of poor leadershe’s encountered over the past 30 years. The NCOs andofficers we’ve known along the way have been dedicat-ed and hard-working, and they’ve always had the bestinterests of their Soldiers in their hearts.

Rest assured the Army has the best schools fordeveloping leaders and the best training centers. Maybeyour Soldier has mentioned the NTC (NationalTraining Center) or the JRTC (Joint Readiness TrainingCenter). At these centers our units train as a unit for

During a deployment, there will be times when theonly thing that gets you through is your faith. I’venoticed that people with a strong faith (whatever it maybe) do better in these situations. With so much out ofyour control you have to absolutely give it up to a high-er being.

The other key element you need is faith and trust inthe Army in general and, more specifically, the leader-ship in your Soldier’s unit.You have to trust the chainof command, from the bat-talion commander all the waydown in direct charge ofyour Soldier.

Chances are you’ve nevermet any of your Soldier’scommanders or NCOs. Also,when the media reports onlythe stories of poor leader-ship, it’s easy to think we have a lot of poor leaders inthe Army. This just gives the spouses, moms and dadsone more thing to worry about. Believe me, I think I’ve

28 29IT’S A MATTER OF TRUST

There’s nohalfway whenthe Army puts

someone incharge ofSoldiers.

It’s a Matterof Trust

real-world contingen-cies. Every unit in ourArmy does 30-dayrotations to these cen-ters, even during timesof peace. Obviously,these centers havebecome even moreimportant now that somany Army, ArmyNational Guard andArmy Reserve unitsare deploying to com-bat zones.

Back in the mid1990s when my hus-band was commandinga brigade at FortHood, Texas, he aver-aged four to five trips ayear to the NTC atFort Irwin, California.Every time one of hisbattalions went he went with them, and he said helearned so much from those 30-day rotations. It is themost realistic training these Soldiers could ever getbefore they deploy to a combat zone. On my husband’svisits to Afghanistan and Iraq in the past two years, theSoldiers have told him time and time again that theirtraining at the NTC and JRTC has saved countless liveson the battlefield and prepared them for much of whatthey’ve faced.

These training centers not only teach the unit all thenecessary skills for combat operations, but the leadersare also building a cohesive team based on trust—Soldier to Soldier, leader to led, unit to unit. Trust is the

31IT’S A MATTER OF TRUST

Scam artists oftentarget military fami-lies. Among the consyou should bewareof are phone or e-mail solicitationsencouraging familymembers ofdeployed Soldiersto sign up for taxbreaks. Othersoffer, for a fee,daily updates onyour deployed Soldier.Unscrupulous loan firmswith military-soundingnames offer to help finan-cially strapped familiesbut, in reality, sink theminto further debt. YourSoldier’s unit FamilyReadiness Group provideslegitimate resources forfinancial aid and contactwith your deployedSoldier—and it’s free.


The Baron’s Legacy

The U.S. Army is the world’s

best-trained military force, and

has been since Valley Forge in

the War for Independence.

After devastating defeats and

with his Continental Army in

dire straits, General George

Washington enlisted the help

of a Prussian officer, Baron

Friedrich von Steuben.

Von Steuben literally wrote

the book on training and disci-

pline. His warfighting proce-

dures and training methods

gave the American Army the

ability to topple the better-

equipped, better-supplied and

larger British Army.

The U.S. Army has main-tained that tradition. AllSoldiers receive training uponentering the Army and continueboth their military educationand college degree pursuits asthey rise in rank. The U.S.Army Training and DoctrineCommand (TRADOC) oper-ates an extensive Army schoolsystem, and all Soldiers,including those in the ArmyNational Guard and ArmyReserve, have access to thiseducation network.

NCOs start with initial entry

training (IET or boot camp), a

strenuous program in which

they learn the organization of

the Army and the intellectual

and physical requirements of

being a Soldier. IET also instills

the Warrior Ethos: to place the

mission first, never accept

defeat, never quit and never

leave a fallen comrade.

Officers undergo similartraining with Officer CandidateSchool (OCS), and thesemental and physical regimensare part of the curriculum at theMilitary Academy and in ROTC(Reserve Officer TrainingCorps) programs.

Soldiers proceed to coursesat an Army branch school orunit to learn skills specific totheir assigned career. Eachcareer has specialized training,and when a Soldier changescareers, she “cross-trains” atanother branch school.

An ongoing set of coursesand schools help developSoldiers’ leadership skills andwarfighter knowledge. NCOschooling includes the Prim-ary Leadership DevelopmentCourse, the Advanced NCOCourse and the SergeantsMajor Academy.

An officer might attendCommand and General StaffCollege, the Armed ForcesStaff College, the Army WarCollege or the NationalDefense University. Army offi-cers may also attend U.S. AirForce and Navy schools, or beassigned as exchange stu-dents at foreign schools.

In addition to coursework,Army schools and training cen-ters formulate warfighting andorganizational strategies, or“doctrine.” Doctrine evolvesthrough scholarship of militarytechniques and strategies pastand present, and lessonslearned from recent and ongo-ing campaigns.

Your daughter is married to a Soldier. Yours is not amilitary family, and you struggle with trying to under-stand the Army and what your son-in-law does for a liv-ing. At the same time you miss your daughter; this is thefarthest she’s ever lived away from home. Now, on topof everything, he’s deploying to a combat zone andleaving your daughter alone. Deployments are every bitas hard on the in-laws as they are on the Soldier’s fam-ily. The in-laws have a lot atstake here, too. It’s theirdaughter or son who’s leftbehind, perhaps with a cou-ple of kids to care for. Sowhat should you do, whatcan you do as the in-laws?

I have a dual perspectiveon this. I’m a relatively newmother-in-law, but for 30years I’ve been the daughter of a Soldier’s in-laws. Ithink back to when my husband and I were married. Iwas just out of college, living at home in Vermont thatsummer before we got married. My husband-to-be wasa first lieutenant stationed in Hawaii. We’d been dating

33

Her familynever knew

where to sendChristmas

cards.

The In-Laws

foundation of every successful unit, just like in a goodmarriage! This trust is critical to the safety and successof every member in the unit. If you have this same trustin your Soldier’s unit and leadership and in the Army, itwill certainly help you get through this very scary time.

A little bit on the subject of morale: it can and willget low from time to time. After all, combat’s a miser-able place to be—even on a good day it STINKS!—andyour Soldier may complain. Sometimes he may have alegitimate complaint, but usually it will stem from beingin hot, dusty, cramped living conditions with no priva-cy. People get on one another’s nerves, and they’re all ina scary place. So just be a good listener.

If your Soldier gets really down—beyond yourcapacity to help—he has plenty of people to turn to.Wonderful chaplains are assigned to each unit, andmental health care experts serve in every camp. It is nolonger taboo to seek help when you need it. The Armyhas made great strides in this area in the past decade,

realizing the importance of ahealthy Soldier, both physi-cally and mentally. So, plentyof services are available, evenin the combat zone, for anykind of problem your Soldiermay have, and you shouldencourage him to take advan-tage of them.

Once again, you mustallow yourself to have faith inthe system; otherwise you’llgo crazy with worry. It reallyis a matter of trust.


Remember!• Your Soldier and his leaders

have gone through the best

military training in the world.

• Commanders are trained not

only to win battles but keep

their Soldiers safe.

• Almost everything your Soldier

is facing in combat he’s

already endured in realistic

training exercises.

• Your Soldier’s morale may

wane during a deployment; his

venting is likely to pass, and

he has a wide range of mental

health services in theater if he

needs them.

military. All I knew was that I had fallen in love with aSoldier and I was willing to go anywhere with him andwalk beside him as he made his way in the Army.Because of our love for each other, our parents stoodby us . . . as hard as it must have been for my parents tolet me go.

Two years after we married, while my husband wasgoing through helicopter flight school, I got pregnantwith our first son. I’ll never forget the day my husbandcame rushing in from class to tell me he had orders forKorea following graduation. I was bent over the sinkwith morning sickness, and I looked at him and said,“Guess what? I’m pregnant.”

Thus began a whole new chapter in our married life,one that would test my will and that of both of ourfamilies. Up to that point Army life had been fun—dat-ing a West Point cadet, moving to Hawaii, then off to

35

for six years. During that time, I’d visited him while hewas a cadet at West Point and then numerous times inHawaii. But the day after our wedding when we board-ed a plane for Hawaii, we weren’t just going on our hon-eymoon—we were PCSing (Permanent Change ofStation, the military term for moving to a new post—though it’s anything but “permanent”). I’m sure my par-ents were wishing I had married someone else, some-one who wouldn’t be taking their daughter so far awayand into this strange world called the Army. It is a dif-ferent way of life, about which my parents and my hus-band’s parents had no clue.

I was as new to all of it then as our daughter-in-lawand her parents are now. During those first few years ofmarriage I think my parents and I, as well as my hus-band’s parents, were just trying to figure out this wholething called “The Army.” It was so foreign to all of us;no one in either of our families had ever served in the


Soldiering became a voca-tion as early as the classicalGreeks. In ancient Rome,service in the army was a mat-ter of social duty and personalhonor. Through the ages, sol-diers have been everythingfrom noble knights to oppor-tunistic mercenaries.

A new standard evolved inthe American colonies. TheMassachusetts Bay Colonyformed a militia in 1636, andother colonies soon followedthe example. These armiescomprised farmers and trades-men who took up arms onlywhen their town or village wasthreatened, then they’d goback to their daily vocations.

These citizen Soldiers pro-

tected the fledgling coloniesand joined forces with theContinental Army—also com-prising volunteers—to defeatthe British and win independ-ence for the Americans.

This experience was freshin the minds of the nation’sfounding fathers. When writingthe U.S. Constitution, they put“the common defense” of thenation in the hands of the fed-eral government, allowedstates to maintain militias(which evolved into today’sNational Guard) and, most sig-nificantly, placed all militaryauthority under civilian control.

The President, elected bythe people, is the Commanderin Chief. The Secretary of

Unique Army for a New Nation

THE IN-LAWS

Defense and the secretaries ofthe individual services are allcivilians, appointed by thePresident and approved byCongress. The Constitutiongives Congress the responsi-bility of establishing rules andregulations for the military andsole authority for providing thearmed forces’ budgets.

The highest ranking militarymembers, the Chiefs of Staff,serve only in advisory capaci-ties on matters of military poli-cy. Military operations are con-ducted through unified “com-batant commands,” whosecommanders report directly tothe Secretary of Defense andthe President.

In departing from the way

most nations used their armiesas internal enforcers of theleaders’ will, America’s found-ing fathers created an armedforce that serves the will of thepeople and ensures their free-doms without sacrificing theirsecurity.

This significant difference

between the U.S. armed

forces and the traditional role

of armies is embodied in the

oath American servicemem-

bers recite upon enlisting or

receiving their commission:

rather than swearing to protect

and serve a person or a coun-

try, the American servicemem-

ber swears to support and

defend a document, the U.S.

Constitution.

boys to Vermont to see all our relatives. It was greatbeing with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, butafter about 10 days the boys and I couldn’t wait to getback to Fort Campbell. In Vermont we felt out ofplace; our comfort zone was back at Fort Campbellwith the other moms and kids who were just like us.When we got back there all my friends expressed thesame feeling about their visits home. You see, home hadbecome the Army post, and our friends had becomeour family. You become so connected to one another,and the Army community is the lifeline to your Soldier.

Our number two son recently married a wonderfulyoung woman he met in college. She’s from a smalltown in Texas; her entire family lives there. They’re allcivilians and haven’t been exposed to the military thatmuch. To say our lifestyle is a bit different from theirsis an understatement. Imagine this: During the fouryears our son and their daughter dated, we moved threetimes—and not across town but across the country. Herfamily never knew where to send Christmas cards.

I know the apprehension they felt, thinking theironly daughter was marrying someone who was fromeverywhere and was going to take her off to Godknows where! About two weeks after the wedding, ourson learned he would be deploying to Iraq as soon as hefinished flight school and signed in to the 101stAirborne Division. This was when the military leadersand planners (which included my husband) realized thesituation in Iraq called for stability and continuity, sothe troops would have to do 12-month rotations ratherthan six months. That meant our older son would bethere another six months, and our younger son wouldbe joining him.

I could tell by the look on my husband’s face thatnight when he walked in the door. It was probably thelowest point for me—and for him, too, I think. We

37

helicopter flight school at Fort Rucker, Alabama. Thenreality set in pretty quickly: I’m pregnant and he’s goingto Korea (without me) for 12 months.

We all agreed the best thing for me to do was tomove back home to Vermont while he went to Korea—I really had no other place to go. When he graduatedfrom flight school we would lose our housing at FortRucker, and because we didn’t know where he would beassigned after Korea, I couldn’t move on to the nextduty station. So he moved me to Vermont, stayed longenough to see his son born and then left three dayslater. This was not exactly the happiest time of my life,and I don’t recall that I sent him off with a smile on myface. But with the love and support of both our fami-lies, somehow I made it through the 12 months. It wasthe best place for me to be that year, but there weretimes I missed the support of other Army spouses. Ididn’t know of any other Army wives in Burlington,Vermont, so I had no one who understood what I wasgoing through. While my parents loved having me andthe baby at home with them, they’ve told me it was hardfor them to see me alone with a brand-new baby whilemy husband was halfway around the world.

Through the years there were many separations—different types of deployments for different lengths oftime. Once we had kids, I never considered movingback home during a deployment. The kids and I madeour home wherever we were living at the time. “Homeis where the Army sends you” was the slogan we alllived by. When my husband deployed to Saudi Arabiafor Operation Desert Shield/Storm, he was gone for 10months. We were living at Fort Campbell at the time; wehad friends, the boys’ school, church and, most impor-tant, the comfort of being surrounded by other moth-ers and kids who were going through what we were. Forus it was a normal existence. That Christmas I took the

36 YOUR SOLDIER, YOUR ARMY: A PARENT’S GUIDE THE IN-LAWS

Her parents supported their decision, but I knowhow difficult it was for them those first weeks. Theywere confused, worried, proud—probably a hundreddifferent emotions going through their minds. Theimportant thing is that we all supported what the kidsdecided. You have to let these kids make their own deci-sions and change their minds later, if they need to. Inthese situations there’s no right or wrong answer—it’swhatever makes the person feel good about the situa-tion. What may feel right to one person may be entire-ly different to another. And at different times in yourlife you have different needs.

When our son signed in to his unit they told him totake some time to get his wife settled and then he wouldleave on the next available flight to join his unit in Iraq.Just knowing when he would leave relieved some of thestress and anxiety. Once we had a date to work around,we all got busy preparing for his deployment. I tried tothink of everything and anything that would help ournew daughter-in-law get ready for what lay ahead. Itried to think of the most important things she and herparents needed to know. She hadn’t been part of anArmy unit, and she hadn’t yet made any friends at FortCampbell. I think I may have been feeling as over-whelmed as she was because I just didn’t know where tobegin to help her and her parents understand Army lifeat the same time her husband of two months was leav-ing to go to a combat zone. And, once again, I had todeal with a son going to combat. Honestly, the onlything that kept me going was the need to be strong forour daughter-in-law.

Our daughter-in-law knew she needed to be withother Army spouses if she was going to survive thisfirst deployment. The first two weeks were pretty lone-ly for her, and she considered packing up and movingback to Texas. Then she met a group of spouses, and

39

always knew it was apossibility, but we’dbeen so caught upin the joy of thewedding that I putit out of my mind. Itry not to borrowtrouble; until some-thing is definite, Itry not to dwell onit. All my years as anArmy wife havehelped me with this,and I’m pretty goodat living in themoment. That real-ly is the key here forall of us: live in themoment and don’tthink too far ahead.

My first con-cern was for ourson and daughter-in-law: What would

they do? Where would she go while he was deployed?How would her parents react? Our son and daughter-in-law decided he would move her to Fort Campbelland get her settled before he left. Even though her par-ents begged her to come home to Texas, she said shewanted to begin her new life as an Army wife, and ifshe went back home she wouldn’t be able to do that.She also wanted to be close to his unit and the FamilyReadiness Group. This was a tough decision for abrand-new wife who had never lived outside the state ofTexas and had never been away from her family for anylength of time.


If your Soldier is a singleparent or married toanother Soldier, childcare responsibilitiesduring deploymentsmay fall on you, thegrandparent. If thechildren are better offstaying at their home,your Soldier canarrange to have youlive on post withthem. Make sureyou hook up with theunit’s Family ReadinessGroup (FRG) for assistanceand integration into the Armycommunity. Even if the grand-kids move to your home dur-ing the deployment, keep intouch with the FRG. After all,your Soldier’s children belongto the FRG, no matter wherethey may live. For help, con-tact Military OneSource at800-342-9647 or online atwww.militaryonesource.com/.

THE IN-LAWS

that was the turning point. These new friends taughther more than I ever could because they were living itand going through it together. They found comfort inone another in ways that neither her mother nor I couldprovide. She still talked to her mother daily, and wetalked frequently. But it was those other wives whotaught her the ropes, the language and the ways of theArmy. When we visited her two months later she wastalking like a veteran Army wife, and it was heartwarm-ing to see the bonds and friendships that had developedin such a short time. It reminded me of my experiencesas an Army wife.

The Army offers so much for the spouses and kids,more so now than ever before. The schools on andaround the posts work hand in hand with the military toensure the needs of the students are met, especially dur-ing deployments. There are all kinds of social servicesand counseling services available for Army spouses andchildren. The Family Readiness Group is the real lifelinefor information flow and the connection to the Soldier.I could go on and on about the resources, programsand medical facilities available on the post that youdon’t have if you go back to your hometown. So don’tbe surprised if your daughter or son decides to stay putduring their Soldiers’ deployment.

I wish I could tell you when I began to understandthe Army and my husband’s commitment to it . . . whenI “got it.” It was a gradual process, I’m sure. My parentsand my husband’s parents have told me they began tounderstand it when they came to ceremonies and visit-ed us at the different posts where we lived. This under-standing grew out of the ups and downs, the joys andfears, the happiness and sadness, the expected andunexpected, the rewards and sacrifices, the long hours,the separations, the romance and the “never-a-dull-moment” life of an Army family. It grew out of a sense


that my husband and everyone around him was makinga difference in this world, that we are all part of histo-ry in the making and not just sitting on the sidelineswatching life pass us by. With this understanding cameimmense pride and respect for my husband and allSoldiers. I learned what “duty, honor, country” reallymeans. I learned that being a Soldier comes from theheart. It’s a calling that one either feels or doesn’t. It’snot part-time or temporary, or just when it’s convenientor when the weather is nice or when the world is atpeace. It is 24 hours a day/seven days a week/52 weeksa year. It’s what happens from the day he puts on theuniform until the day he retires. It’s a way of life. OnceI, my parents, my in-laws andeveryone around us under-stood this simple truth, we all“got it” and began to trulylove Army life.

My advice to you as in-laws is to learn everything youcan about Army life and sup-port your son’s or daughter’sSoldier. Go to the gradua-tions and ceremonies andvisit them at their Army postwhenever you can. You willlearn so much about their wayof life, and you’ll be ready tosupport your child when theSoldier deploys.

41THE IN-LAWS

Remember!• If your son or daughter has

married a Soldier, your child

not only is in the Soldier’s

capable hands but also in the

care of the Army community.

• During deployments your child

might prefer to remain on the

post to take advantage of

Army services and facilities

and remain with a community

of spouses sharing the same

experiences and emotions.

• Become familiar with your

child’s new lifestyle by visiting

their posts and attending

career-significant ceremonies,

deployment embarkations and

homecomings.

family members, e.g., in-laws, siblings, grandparents. Allof this is decided by the Soldier before he ever deploys.

In the event of a death or of a Soldier being listedas missing in action (MIA), the Army will notify all pri-mary next of kin and secondary next of kin in person,face to face. Someone from the Department of theArmy will come to your house to make this notification.

In the event a Soldier is seriously injured or ill, theArmy will make the notification by telephone to the pri-mary next of kin. The Army does not make notificationin the case of minor injuries or illness.

Make sure your Soldier’s unit has your currentaddress and phone number. If you move or go on vaca-tion make sure you give that information to the reardetachment. If your Soldier is married, make sure herspouse has all your current information.

Sometimes the notification process can take hoursor even days if mass casualties are involved. I hear timeand time again from families who want to know why ittakes so long to receive word. Sometimes the circum-stances make it difficult. It’s a painstaking process, andbecause of the obvious sensitive nature of this, theArmy is committed to making sure the process workswith great sensitivity and the fewest possible mistakes.So it may take some time for the Army to make sure it’smaking the right notification. The consequences areworse if a mistake is made when notifying a family.

Most of the time the system works; however, some-times mistakes are made. The Army tries hard to do theright thing and always has the family’s best interests inmind. The media tries to be sensitive about the notifi-cation process and is not supposed to release any namesuntil all notifications have been made. Usually, all phonelines and Internet access is cut off so Soldiers cannotcall home.

42 43WHAT IF . . . ?

Let’s talk about some questions you may have—things you’re wondering or worrying about but don’tknow who to ask or, probably, don’t want to thinkabout. Let me give you some information you can fileaway in the back of your mind just in case you need itsomeday.

What if something happens to your Soldier whileshe is deployed? I knownone of us wants to thinkabout this, but sometimes it’sbetter to know what toexpect rather than to wonderor to live with (and perhapsact upon) misinformation.Let me walk you through theDepartment of the Armynotification procedures.

Every Soldier fills out anext-of-kin sheet that is kepton file with his unit. Primary next of kin (PNOK) is theSoldier’s immediate family: spouse or parents.Secondary next of kin (SNOK) would be other close

It’s difficult tostay calm whenyou are waiting

to hear ifsomething’shappened toyour Soldier.

What if . . . ?

mentioned on thenews it also generatesphone calls from ourdaughter-in-law andthe rest of our family.I spend a lot of timetalking them throughit and reassuringthem. So I won’t tellyou not to worry;we’re parents, that’swhat we do. It’s diffi-cult to stay calm whenyou are waiting tohear if something’shappened to yourSoldier. You just haveto let the system workand pray that yourSoldier is safe. Thensay a prayer for those families who have lost someone.

Chances are that will never happen to you. But itmay happen to someone you know—a friend, a neigh-bor or someone in your community. If you know some-one who’s going through this type of tragedy, be thereto support and comfort that family. Start a Parents’Support Group if you know of other parents ofSoldiers in your area. You don’t have to wait for atragedy to happen; start a group now. Then, if a tragedyoccurs, a support system will already be in place. Thebest comfort comes from people who are experiencingwhat you are. That is how Army spouses survive—withone another.

From the moment we say “I do” we’re faced withthe realities of Army life. Those realities include acci-dents, injuries, death and facing combat deployments

45WHAT IF . . . ?

When families visittheir hospitalizedSoldier, they may beable to stay at aFisher House. Builtand run by the FisherHouse Foundation,these lodgingscharge an averageof less than $10 pernight, and in somelocations therooms are free ofcharge. Everymajor military and VeteransAffairs medical center hasat least one Fisher House.Begun in 1990, the FisherHouse program has servedmore than 8,500 families.For more information, visithttp://www.fisherhouse.org.


I know how difficult it is when you hear somethingon the news and you think it may involve your Soldier.Every time I hear the words “101st Airborne Division”or “Apache helicopter” on the news, I panic. For a briefmoment I’m convinced it involves one or both of mysons. Even though I know if something has happenedI will get a phone call or a knock on the door, I can’t tellyou how many times I’ve called my husband, holdingmy breath and thinking the worst. Most of the time, he’sjust as scared as I am. Until we hear our sons are notinvolved, we live in fear. Every time those words are

What if you or someone inyour family becomes seriouslyill or there’s a death in yourimmediate family? You can callthe American Red Cross (avail-able 24 hours a day, 365 daysa year) and they will relay themessage to your Soldier.

Your Soldier’s commanderwill decide whether she will beable to come home. It dependson both your circumstancesand these of your Soldier.

When you call your localRed Cross chapter, have thefollowing information ready:

• your Soldier’s full name,rank and Social SecurityNumber;

• her branch of service (Army,Navy, Air Force, etc.);

• military address and infor-mation about the deployedunit;

• the nature of the emer-gency.

For all the services avail-

able to the military and theirfamilies, visit the AmericanRed Cross Website at http://www.redcross.org/index.html.

If a disaster hits your com-munity while your Soldier isdeployed, remember that hewill see just as much newscoverage of it as you do.Therefore, he will likely be asworried about you amid yourcommunity tragedy as you areabout him in a combat zone.Get word of your status to himas soon as you can.

Hurricane Katrina showedthe kind of impact natural dis-asters at home can have onSoldiers deployed overseas. Ifcivil authorities order you toevacuate, EVACUATE! Thenyou can e-mail your Soldier totell him you are safe and howto contact you.

Your Soldier has enough onhis mind without worryingabout you because you decid-ed to “ride out the storm” andnow can’t be contacted.

Emergencies at Home

You’ve made it through months of stress, fear, anxi-ety and worry. Now it’s time to think about yellow rib-bons, American flags and your Soldier’s redeploymentand homecoming! Get ready for another roller-coasterride of emotions and stress . . . but on this ride there’sa wonderful light at the end of the tunnel.

Your Soldier will be counting the days and talkingof her return long before it’s official. The return datewill be approximately 12months from the time shedeployed—that much is pret-ty certain. However, theexact date and time canchange many times. Thereare as many variables now asthere were when the unitdeployed. It’s important thatyou stay in contact with therear detachment or theFamily Readiness Group,especially if you are planning to go to the homecoming.The rear detachment will have the most current infor-mation on the flight arrivals.

47

To me,“homecoming”ranks right upthere with thedays the boyswere born.

YellowRibbons

early in a marriage. To survive, we accept the realities,compartmentalize them, then ignore them and move onwith our lives. But every time we lose a fellow Soldier,we’re forced to face reality yet again. I was 26 years oldwhen we lost two close friends in a helicopter crash. Irealized then what a dangerous business my husbandwas in—and that was just a routine training mission ona summer night in Georgia. I will never forget it; Iremember feeling so scared and angry. My husbandcould get hurt or killed any day he went to work. Mostyoung wives don’t have to think about that so early in

their marriages. It really was adevastating blow to me andmy safe little world. Over theyears I can’t tell you howmany times I’ve cried withand consoled friends whohave lost their loved one. So,when I say we (Army spous-es) know how to comfort andsupport, I really mean it. Itcomes from years of havingto do it.

I know that my sons aredoing a dangerous job; but Ithink my years as an Armywife have prepared me forthe life our boys have chosen.


Remember!• Your Soldier’s personnel

records include primary and

secondary next of kin to be

notified in event of casualty.

• If your Soldier is killed or MIA,

you will be notified in person. If

your Soldier is married, his

spouse will be notified first.

• If your Soldier is seriously

injured, you will be notified by

phone.

• Make sure your Soldier’s unit

and spouse has your current

address and phone number.

• Start a Parent’s Support

Group.

Most of the units return together as a battalion-sizeunit, but that can vary. Sometimes the smaller supportunits come home separately and in stages. Also, when alarge unit redeploys it can take four weeks or more to

get everyone back. Youcan imagine the logisticalfeat of getting 16,000Soldiers back to thehome station.

I have experiencedboth kinds of redeploy-ments. Our son cameback from Afghanistanon a military transportplane. With only about20 Soldiers with their air-craft coming in there wasno big ceremony, noband; just a handful ofus parents. But what amoment it was! Uponcompleting their tours inIraq our sons returned—a week apart—on char-tered commercial airlin-ers with their battalions.For us that meant twotrips to Fort Campbell,but I would have madethe trip 10 times if nec-essary. Our younger(married) son returnedfirst, and we were able tofly down because we hadenough notice and apretty good date andtime. We stayed only one


Reunion BluesPeople will tell you that part-

ing is the hardest part. In fact,rejoining is usually more difficult.

What makes it uniquely trou-bling is that the dynamics ofreuniting causes natural stress-es while the people reunitingwere expecting nothing but bliss.

Your Soldier, coming homeafter up to a year in combat con-ditions and, at the least, spartanliving and isolation, is looking fornormalcy: his favorite food andcouch, familiar places and faces,down time and, yes, perhaps abit of pampering. He could alsobe detoxing from the stressesinherent with deployments andcombat.

His spouse, being alone forup to a year and wracked withworry, is excited: a time of cele-bration, experiences, together-ness and, yes, perhaps a bit ofpampering. She could also bedetoxing from the stress inher-ent with deployments and han-dling the household (whichalways seem to suffer Murphy’sLaw syndrome during the sepa-rations) by herself.

Both see the reunion as thesolution to all problems. Realityrarely lets it live up to suchexpectations.

While the homecoming istruly a celebratory moment for allfamily members, remember thateverybody also needs time andpatience for readjustment.

day because wewanted to give himand his new wifesome much-neededtime together.

When our olderson came home aweek later, we drovebecause it was toodifficult trying toschedule one moreround of tickets. Wealso wanted to flymy mom in for thisone so she could seeboth boys. She hadnever been part of a“homecoming,” andit was the chance ofa lifetime for her.We had to changeher ticket a coupleof times, and we paid our share of fees, but finally shetalked to a compassionate person at the airline whogave her a break and dismissed the fee when she had tomake a third change on that ticket! It was an expensiveticket, but we all agreed it was worth it.

I realize that if your Soldier’s home station is over-seas or on the other side of the country, it may not bepossible for you to travel there. Your Soldier will get 30days of leave; hopefully you’ll get to spend some timetogether then. Still, if you can be there for the return,you won’t regret it—it’s unforgettable.

To me, “homecoming” ranks right up there with thedays the boys were born. I’ve never felt such happinessand relief! After 12 months of fear and worry, seeing

49YELLOW RIBBONS

Upon returning homefrom a redeploymentSoldiers must undergo“Reintegration.” Thisweeklong programhelps both the Soldierand family transitioninto a normal Armylife. In addition to herin-processing theSoldier receivesmedical tests andhealth assess-ments and attendsdebriefings on post-deploy-ment stress and life issues.The Soldier and family alsoattend sessions on maritalrelationships, child care andsuicide awareness. Reinte-gration ends with a formalWelcome Home Ceremony,after which the Soldier cantake her post-deployment 30-day leave.

For this chapter I tried to think of all the words andterms you need to know and may not have a clue about.It’s often said that Army people speak their own lan-guage. So here is a language lesson.

First, a brief explanation of the types and sizes ofunits in the chain of command. The Commander-in-Chief, of course, is thePresident, and the Secretaryof Defense and his deputiesare next in that chain. Underthe Secretary of Defense isthe Secretary of the Armyand the Chief of Staff of theArmy. Though a member ofthe Joint Chiefs of Staff, whoadvises the Secretary ofDefense and President onmilitary actions and policy, the Chief of Staff answersto the Secretary of the Army in matters concerningDepartment of the Army policies.

Most Army units and personnel are assigned to oneof nine unified commands or combatant commands,

51

It’s often saidthat Army

people speaktheir ownlanguage.

Terms, Acronyms and Other Army Stuff

our sons walk off those planes evaporated the emo-tions of that long wait. It was worth every penny spenton travel, it was worth all the stress of schedulechanges. Standing in the cold and rain at 3 in the morn-

ing among hundreds ofspouses, kids, moms and dadswas complete joy. The feel-ings are universal—they crossall gender, race, religious andeconomic boundaries. You’vecome from all over the coun-try by plane, by car, by what-ever means possible. You’vecome for the same reason—to welcome home yourSoldier and give her a BIGhug! As I stood there bothtimes I had flashbacks to 12years earlier when my boysand I waited for their dad tocome home from OperationDesert Storm. It was at theexact same airfield—even thesame hangar. How ironic isthat?


Remember!• Try to be at the homecoming.

It’s a great experience for you

and a meaningful moment for

your Soldier.

• Don’t make any plans until you

have a definite, official date

and time of the return.

• The rear detachment and the

FRG will give you the most up-

to-date and accurate informa-

tion on return date and time.

Your Soldier will not be a reli-

able source for this informa-

tion.

• Count on the date changing.

For that reason, driving is the

best way to travel so that you

don’t have to pay fees for

changing your airline tickets.

Airlines are under no obliga-

tion to waive their change

fees.

• Battalions and squadrons—with 500 to 900 Soldierscommanded by a lieutenant colonel and a commandsergeant major as the senior NCO, these are unitswith either combat or support missions made up offour to six different companies plus a headquarterselement;

• Companies, batteries and troops—with up to 200Soldiers and commanded by captains and having firstsergeants as their principal NCOs, these are the basic,fully-contained fighting force in the Army and typi-cally have three to five platoons and a headquarterssection;

• Platoons—led by lieutenants with staff sergeants orsergeants first class as the second in command, theseusually have four squads, totaling between 16 and 40Soldiers, depending on the mission;

• Squads or sections—these are function-specific ele-ments of four to 10 Soldiers led by a sergeant or staffsergeant;

• Fire teams and crews—in the infantry, a fire teamcontains four or five Soldiers, and a crew is a handfulof Soldiers operating armored vehicles or artillerypieces.

Now, here are some acronyms and terms youshould know:

AAFES—Army and Air Force Exchange Services,which runs the post exchange (PX) and other shopsand services on the post.

ACS—Army Community Services, a one-stop centerfor family support on the post.

ACU—Army Combat Uniform, a new camouflage uni-form.

53TERMS, ACRONYMS AND OTHER ARMY STUFF

most of which are made up of Air Force, Navy andMarine Corps components, too. The combatant com-mander reports directly to the Secretary of Defenseand the President. Some of these unified commandsare regional, such as Central Command which coversthe Middle East, and some are based on types of mis-sions, like Transportation Command.

The top level of the Army unit structure is the 15major commands (MACOMs), many of which serve asthe Army component of the unified commands. Thesealso are divided into regional and functional missions.

As the world has changed and we face new threatsto our security like never before, the Army is changingthe way it organizes its units. The organization thatevolved in the Cold War featured large divisions andcorps, like the 101st Airborne Division, with their ownbrigades. Now the Army wants what it calls a “modularforce” in which units of roughly the same size with avariety of capabilities can be put together to form alarger fighting force, like building blocks or players on ateam. These building blocks are called Brigade CombatTeams (BCTs) because they are about the size of a tra-ditional brigade. The divisions and corps, commandedby generals, will be deployable headquarter units withBCTs assigned to them for particular situations.

By reorganizing or “transforming,” the Army alsowants to even out the frequency and length of deploy-ments. The BCTs are all being set up with same num-ber of Soldiers and capabilities. This interchangeabilitymeans the Army can place all BCTs on a deploymenttimetable, providing predictability for the Soldier.Active BCTs can deploy every three years, the reservecomponent BCTs can deploy every six years.

BCTs are commanded by colonels. The chain ofcommand within these BCTs is pretty much the same asthat of the brigades:


BHA—Basic Housing Allowance, an addition to thepaycheck of Soldiers living off post.

BCT—Brigade Combat Team.

BDE—Brigade.

BDU—Battle dress uniform.

BN—Battalion.

BTRY—Battery.

CDR—Commander.

CG—Commanding general.

CONUS—Continental United States.

DA—Department of the Army.

DCU—Desert camouflage uniform.

DEERS—Defense Enrollment Eligibility ReportingSystem, the registration of Soldiers’ spouses and chil-dren that allows them to get their ID cards and accessother military services.

Deployment—The relocation of forces and materiel tooperational areas. Deployment encompasses all activ-ities from home station through destination, includ-ing intracontinental, intertheater and intratheatermovement, staging and holding areas.

DFAS—Defense Finance and Accounting System, theorganization that pays your Soldier and keeps track ofher allotments and leave time.

DOB—Date of birth.

DoD—Department of Defense.

DOR—Date of rank, when a Soldier officially is pro-moted to his current rank.

DSSS—Disabled Soldiers Support System (sometimescalled DS3).


AER—Army Emergency Relief, the Army's own emer-gency financial assistance organization.

AR—Army Reserve, Army Regulation or armor.

ARNG—Army National Guard.

BOQ—Bachelor Officer Quarters.


KIA—Killed in Action.

LES—Leave and Earnings Statement, the Soldier’s paystub.

LOD—Line of duty.

LZ—Landing zone.

MEDDAC—Medical Department Activity.

MI—Military Intelligence.

MIA—Missing in action.

MP—Military Police.

MRE—Meals ready to eat.

MWR—Morale, Welfare & Recreation, a collection offacilities (such as fitness centers and bowling alleys)and services (such as travel agencies and tours) avail-able on the Post for Soldiers and their families.

NCO—Noncommissioned officer.

NCOIC—Noncommissioned officer in charge.

NG—National Guard.

NLT—Not later than.

NOK—Next of kin.

NTC—National Training Center at Fort Irwin,California.

OBC—Officer Basic Course.

OCONUS—Outside the continental United States.

OCS—Officer Candidate School.

OIC—Officer in charge.

PAO—Public Affairs Office.

PCS—Permanent change of station (i.e., moving).


EFMP—ExceptionalFamily Member Pro-gram, which providessupport and resourcesto Soldiers’ familymembers with disabil-ities.

ETS—Estimated timeof separation, the datewhen a Soldier’s com-mitment to the Armyends, unless she re-enlists.

FAC—Family Assis-tance Center.

FLO—Family LiaisonOffice, an ombuds-man program forSoldiers and families.

FRG—Family Readiness Group.

GO—General officer, brigadier general and above.

HQ—Headquarters.

HQDA—Headquarters, Department of the Army.

IED—Improvised explosive device.

IET—Initial Entry Training or “boot camp.”

IRR—Individual Ready Reserve.

JAG—Judge Advocate General, the Army’s legalbranch.

JRTC—Joint Readiness Training Center at Fort Polk,Louisiana.


The Association ofthe U.S. Army’sFamily ProgramsDirectorate workson behalf of Armyfamilies throughinstallation visits,information gather-ing, supportingfamily readinessactivities andhosting MilitaryFamily Forums.Its web page, atwww.ausa.org, is full ofinformation, web links,resources and tips. Twice amonth AUSA produces theFamily Programs Update, anewsletter, posted on thewebsite, containing currentnews and references ofinterest to Army families.

TOC—Tactical Operations Center.

USAR—United States Army Reserve (no longer anofficial acronym, but still in common use).

USO—United Service Organization, still helpingSoldiers and their fami-lies.

VA—Department of Vet-erans Affairs, formerlyknown as the VeteransAdministration.

WO—Warrant Officer.

WOCC—Warrant OfficerCandidate Course.

XO—Executive Officer.


Remember!• Command of military operations

descends from the President

through the Secretary of Defense

to the unified commands.

• The Army is going through a reor-

ganization to create a swift-react-

ing, full-spectrum, modular force.

• Though these modular units are

set up to go to any hot spot in the

world at a moment’s notice,

deployment rotations will become

steadier and less frequent.

PLT—Platoon.PNOK—Primary next of kin.

POA—Power of attorney.

POC—Point of contact.

POV—Privately owned vehicle.

PX—Post Exchange.

QRF—Quick reaction force.

QTRS—Quarters, the places where Soldiers and fami-lies live.

RD/RDC—Rear Detachment/Commander, some-times shortened to “Rear D.”

Redeployment—To return personnel, equipment andmateriel to the home or demobilization stations forreintegration or out-processing.

Reintegration—The process of transitioning Soldiersfrom deployment to their regular duties and homestation life.

RFO—Request for orders, part of the process of get-ting authorization for transfers, promotions andawards.

R&R—Rest and recreation.

SGLI—Servicemen’s Group Life Insurance.

SOP—Standard operating procedure.

SSN—Social Security Number; you might hear refer-ence to “last four,” which is the last four digits of theSocial Security Number.

TDY—Temporary Duty, the military equivalent to abusiness trip.


ered for promotion ceremonies: the boys pinned ontheir dad’s new rank, and he pinned on their captain’sbars. We had a great Christmas together, and we were atFort Campbell for the birth of our new grandson thissummer. If the military teaches you nothing else, itteaches you to make the most of your time as a familyand to appreciate each other and make those memoriestoday rather than wait for tomorrow.

This time, as I stood in the crowded gym, I foundmyself watching the faces of the Soldiers’ parents. I feltlike I was living this book again. In their faces I saw fear,tears, worries and a lot of love and pride . . . exactlywhat I was feeling. I love it that many of them drove allnight or hopped on a plane just to say goodbye to theirSoldier. I love it that they cry like I do. I love it that theyhug their Soldier no matter how old he is. I love it thatthey support their Soldier and her buddies. I was struckby the fact that no other profession brings parents andtheir grown kids together and encourages them to showtheir love for each other so openly. It was comfortingfor me to be with these families. It was comforting tomeet our sons’ buddies and their commanders.

In many ways it was just as hard saying goodbye thistime as it was that first deployment in February 2002. Inother ways, it was easier because I knew what to expect.I’ve learned the hardest part is the actual goodbye andletting go. I’ve learned that I will get back into my nor-mal routine and get through the next 12 months. But Iwill never stop worrying and missing my sons, no mat-ter how old they are and how often they deploy.

While my goal with this book is to give you someunderstanding, insight, hope or comfort, this has alsobeen therapeutic for me. It has helped get me throughthe scariest time of my life. I hope I’ve helped with yourjourney, but it is your Soldier who will teach you themost. You will grow with him. Enjoy every minute of it!

I started writing this book after my boys’ homecomingfrom Iraq. Since then, my eldest has gone back to Iraq,and the youngest will be deploying within the next cou-ple of months.

I feel like we were justwelcoming them home.Eighteen months later andhere we are again, sameArmy post, same gymnasiumfull of Soldiers and families,same lump in my throat,same knot in my stomach.How many times have weplayed out this scene? Ourfamily has lots of memoriesof this gym at FortCampbell: basketball gameswhen the boys were youngand lots of “welcomes” and“goodbyes,” including a goodbye to their dad when heleft for Operation Desert Shield all those years ago.

In these 18 months we’ve tried to make the most ofthe time with our sons and daughter-in-law. We gath-

60 61AFTERWORD

No otherprofession

brings parentsand their

grown kidstogether andencourages

them to showtheir love foreach other so

openly.

Afterword

My husband and I know we are among the luckyones whose kids came home safely. For now, we sleepwell at night. The worrying has begun again, but we’reat peace with what our sons are doing with their lives,and we continue to be proud of these two Soldiers andall the men and women who wear the uniform.

63AFTERWORD

Useful WebsitesAs a family member of a Soldier, you can gain access to Army

Knowledge Online (AKO), a member-only website through theArmy Home Page (http://www.army.mil/index.html) and e-mailaccount. Your Soldier has to sponsor you for an AKO account.

The Army Home Page also has links to the websites of individ-ual posts, laboratories, commands and units. Click on the“Organization” link a the top of the Army Home Page. The ArmyNational Guard home page is http://www.arng.army.mil/, and theArmy Reserve is at http://www.armyreserve.army.mil/usar/home/.

Following are some military family-related websites:

Military OneSourcehttp://www.militaryonesource.com/

Family Readiness Groupshttp://FRG.army.mil

Army Families Onlinehttp://www.aflo.org/skins/WBLO/home.aspx

National Guard Bureau Family Programhttp://www.guardfamily.org/

Army Reserve Family Programshttp://www.arfp.org/skins/ARFP/home.aspx?mode=user

MyArmyLifeToo.comhttp://www.myarmylifetoo.com

Sgt. Momshttp://www.sgtmoms.com/home.asp

Military Pets Foster Projecthttps://www.netpets.org/netp/foster.ph

Disabled Soldier Support Systemhttp://www.armyds3.org

National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorderhttp://www.ncptsd.va.gov/

Association of the United States Armyhttp://www.ausa.org/

This is a stressful time to have a Soldier in yourfamily. It takes a lot of courage to be a parent of aSoldier and especially to send one off to combat.People ask my husband and me all the time how we cansupport this war, how we can let our sons go off tocombat. Each of us has an answer—my husband as amilitary leader and a father, me as a mother—but ouranswers are basically the same: we respect what our kidshave decided to do with their lives. We want them to dosomething important and good, something with mean-ing, and have an impact on this world. We know with-out a doubt this is what our sons want to do. Theychose it willingly, knowing full well what it means toserve their nation. All of the young men and womenwho have enlisted in the military since 11 September2001 know what they’re getting into. If this is what yourson or daughter wants to do, how could you not sup-port them? For me, the pride outweighs the fear. I lookat the man my husband is and I am so thankful our sonsare following in his footsteps.

When people ask me how I would feel if somethinghappened to one of our sons while in combat, I tellthem it would probably kill me, but at least I wouldknow that it was for something good and noble. At leastmy son was making a difference in this world and doingsomething worthwhile with his life.

After his previous deployment our older son left hisunit to attend the Captain’s Career Course. He request-ed to go right back to Fort Campbell to be with hisbrother’s unit when they deploy. This will be his thirdcombat tour. He told his grandmother he couldn’t waitto go back to Iraq.

She said, “How could you want to go back there?”He said, “I think I can make a difference, and there’sstill so much to do.”



About the author

Vicki Cody (above with, from left, her sons Captain TylerCody and Captain Clint Cody and her husband General DickCody, Vice Chief of Staff, U.S. Army) has been an Army wifefor 30 years and an Army mom for five years. A native ofDayton, Ohio, she grew up in Burlington, Vermont, andearned her Bachelor’s of Science in education at theUniversity of Vermont in 1975. Three months later she mar-ried then-1st Lieutenant Dick Cody and has had 16 differenthomes in the 30 years since, including Hawaii, Alabama,Virginia, Georgia, Kansas, Kentucky, Korea, Pennsylvania,Texas and Washington, D.C. In addition to her busy life as anArmy spouse, Vicki is an avid skier, knitter and private pilotand a brand-new grandmother. She lives on Fort Myer,Virginia, with her husband and their chocolate Lab, Barkley.

rmy oldier - fort benning · 2019. 5. 10. · so i feel i have some experiences worth sharing. ......

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