JeanRhys-GoodMorning,Midnight

PARTONE

Quitelikeoldtimes,'theroomsays.

'Yes?No?'

Therearetwobeds,abigoneformadameandasmalleroneontheoppositesideformonsieur.Thewash-basinisshutoffbyacurtain.Itisalargeroom,thesmellofcheaphotelsfaint,almostimperceptible.Thestreetoutsideisnarrow,cobble-stoned,goingsharplyuphillandendinginaflightofsteps.Whattheycallanimpasse.

Ihavebeenherefivedays.Ihavedecidedonaplacetoeatinatmidday,aplacetoeatinatnight,aplacetohavemydrinkinafterdinner.Ihavearrangedmylittlelife.

Theplacetohavemydrinkinafterdinner....Wait,Imustbecarefulaboutthat.Thesethingsareveryimportant.

Lastnight,forinstance.Lastnightwasacatastrophe....Thewomanatthenexttablestartedtalkingtome-adark,thinwomanofaboutforty,verywellmadeup.Shehadthescoreofasongwithherandshehadbeenhummingitunderherbreath,tappingtheaccompanimentwithherfingers.

'Ilikethatsong.'

'Ah,yes,butit'sasadsong.GloomySunday.'Shegiggled.'Alittlesad.'

Shewaswaitingforherfriend,shetoldme.

Thefriendarrived-anAmerican.HestoodmeanotherbrandyandsodaandwhileIwasdrinkingitIstartedtocry.

Isaid:'ItwassomethingIremembered.'

Thedarkwomansatupverystraightandthrewherchestout.

'Iunderstand,'shesaid,'Iunderstand.Allthesame....SometimesI'mjustasunhappyasyouare.Butthat'snottosaythatIleteverybodyseeit.'

Unabletostopcrying,Iwentdownintothelavabo.Afamiliarlavabo,andluckilyempty.Theolddamewasoutidenearthetelephone,talkingtoagirl.

Istayedthere,staringatmyselfintheglass.WhatdoIwanttocryabout?....Onthecontrary,it'swhenlamquitesanelikethis,whenIhavehadacoupleofextradrinksandamquitesane,thatIrealizehowluckyIam.

Saved,rescued,fished-up,halfdrowned,outofthedeep,darkriver,dryclothes,hairshampooedandset.NobodywouldknowIhadeverbeeninit.Except,ofcourse,thattherealwaysremainssomething.Yes,therealwaysremainssomething....Nevermind,hereIam,saneanddry,withmyplacetohidein.

WhatmoredoIwant?....I'mabitofanautomaton,butsane,surely-dry,coldandsane.NowIhaveforgottenaboutdarkstreets,darkrivers,thepain,thestruggleandthedrowning....Mindyou,I'mnottalkingaboutthestrugglewhenyouarestrongandagoodswimmerandtherearewillingandeagerfriendsonthebankwaitingtopullyououtatthefirstsignofdistress.Imeantherealthing.Youjumpinwithnowillingandeagerfriendsaround,andwhenyousinkyousinktotheaccompanimentofloudlaughter.

Lavabos....Whataboutthatmonographonlavabos-toilets-ladies?....ALondonlavaboinblackandwhitemarble,fifteenwomeninaqueue,eachclutchingherpenny,notoneboldspiritdaringtodashoutofherturnpastthesternfacedattendant.That'swhatIcalldiscipline....ThelavaboinFlorenceandtheverypretty,fantasticallydressedgirlwhorushedin,huggedandkissedtheolddametenderlyandfedherwithcakesoutofapaperbag.Thedancer-daughter?....ThatcosylittleParislavabo,wheretheattendantpeddleddrugs-somethingtohealawoundedheart.

WhenIgotupstairstheAmericanandhisfriendhadgone.'ItwassomethingIremembered,'Itoldthewaiter,andhelookedatmeblankly,notevenbotheringtolaughatme.Hisfacewasunsurprised,blank.

Thatwaslastnight.

Ilieawake,thinkingaboutit,andaboutthemoneySidonielentmeandthewayshesaid:'Ican'tbeartoseeyoulikethis.'Halfshuttinghereyesandsmilingthesmilewhichmeans:'She'sgettingtolookold.Shedrinks.'

'We'veknowneachothertoolong,Sasha,'shesaid,'tostandonceremonywitheachother.'

IhadjustcomeinfrommylittlehealthstrollroundMecklenburghSquareandalongtheGray'sInnRoad.Ihadlookedatthis,Ihadlookedatthat,Ihadlookedatthepeoplepassinginthestreetandatashopwindowfullofartificiallimbs.Icameintosomebodywhosaid:'Ican'tbeartoseeyoulookinglikethis.'

'Likewhat?'Isaid.

'Ithinkyouneedachange.Whydon'tyougobacktoParisforabit?....Youcouldgetyourselfsomenewclothes-youcertainlyneedthem....I'lllendyouthemoney,'shesaid.'I'llbeovertherenextweekandIcouldfindaroomforyouifyoulike.'Etcetera,etcetera.

Ihadnotseenthiswomanformonthsandthensheswoopeddownonme....Well,hereIam.Whenyou'vebeenmadeverycoldandverysaneyou'vealsobeenmadeverypassive.(Whyworry,whyworry?)Ican'tsleep.Rollingfromsidetoside....Wasitin1923or1924thatwelivedroundthecorner,intheRueVictor-Cousin,andEnnoboughtmethatCossackcapandtheimitationastrakhancoat?ItwasthenthatIstartedcallingmyselfSasha.IthoughtitmightchangemyluckifIchangedmyname.Diditbringmeanyluck,Iwonder,callingmyselfSasha?

Wasitin1926or1927?

Iputthelighton.ThebottleofEvianonthebedtable,thetubeofluminal,thetwobooks,theclocktickingontheledge,theredcurtains....

IcanseeSidoniecarefullylookingroundforanhoteljustlikethisone.Sheimaginesthatit'smyatmosphere.God,it'saninsultwhenyoucometothinkaboutit!Moredarkrooms,moreredcurtains....

Butonemustn'tputeverythingonthesameplane.That'shergreatphrase.Andonemustn'tputeverybodyonthesameplane,either.Ofcoursenot.Andthisismyplane....Quatriemeagauche,andmindyoudon'ttripovertheholeinthecarpet.That'sme.

Therearesomeblackspecksonthewall.Istareatthem,certaintheyaremoving.Well,Ioughttobeabletoignoreafewbugsbythistime.'IInefautpasmettretoutsurlememeplan....'

Igetupandlookclosely.Onlysplashesofdirt.It'snotthetimeofyearforbugs,anyway.

Itakesomemoreluminal,putthelightoutandsleepatonce.

IaminthepassageofatubestationinLondon.Manypeopleareinfrontofme;manypeoplearebehindme.Everywherethereareplacardsprintedinredletters:ThisWaytotheExhibition,ThisWaytotheExhibition.ButIdon'twantthewaytotheexhibition-Iwantthewayout.Therearepassagestotherightandpassagestotheleft,butnoexitsign.Everywherethefingerspointandtheplacardsread:ThisWaytotheExhibition.....Itouchtheshoulderofthemanwalkinginfrontofme.Isay:'Iwantthewayout.'Buthepointstotheplacardsandhishandismadeofsteel.Iwalkalongwithmyheadbent,veryashamed,thinking:'Justlikeme-alwayswantingtobedifferentfromotherpeople.'Thesteelfingerpointsalongalongstonepassage.ThisWay-ThisWay-ThisWaytotheExhibition....

Nowalittleman,bearded,withasnubnose,dressedinalongwhitenightshirt,istalkingearnestlytome.'Iamyourfather,'hesays.'RememberthatIamyourfather.'Butbloodisstreamingfromawoundinhisforehead.'Murder,'heshouts,'murder,murder.'HelplesslyIwatchthebloodstreaming.Atlastmyvoicetearsitselfloosefrommychest.Itooshout:'Murder,murder,help,help,'andthesoundfillstheroom.IwakeupandamaninthestreetoutsideissingingthewaltzfromLesSalim-banques.'C'estI'amourquiflottedansl'airalaronde,'hesings.

Ibelieveit'safineday,butthelightinthisroomissobadthatyoucan'tbesure.Outsideonthelandingyoucan'tseeatallunlesstheelectriclightison.It'salargelanding,clutteredupfrommorningtonightwithbrooms,pails,pilesofdirtysheetsandsoforth-thewreckageofthespectacularfloorsbelow.

Themanwhohastheroomnexttomineisparadingaboutasusualinhiswhitedressinggown.Hangingaround.Heisliketheghostofthelanding.Iamalwaysrunningintohim.

Heisasthinasaskeleton.Hehasabird-likefaceandsunken,darkeyeswithapeculiarexpression,cringing,ingratiating,knowing.What'shewanttolookatmelikethatfor?....Heisalwayswearingadressinggown-ablueonewithblackspotsorthefamouswhiteone.Ican'timaginehiminstreetclothes.

'Bonjour.'

'Bonjour,'Imutter.Idon'tlikethisdamnedman....WhenIgetdownstairsthepatrontellsmethathewantstoseemypassport.Ihaven'tputthenumberofthepassportonthefiche,hesays.

ThispatronisexactlylikeoneoftheassistantswhousedtobeinthepawnshopintheRuedeRennes-

theonewhoscowledatyouandtookyourstuffawaytobevalued.Afish,lordingitinhisownparticulartank,staringattheworldoutsidewithaglassyandunbelievingeye.

What'swrongwiththefiche?I'vefilleditupallright,haven'tI?NameSo-and-so,nationalitySo-and-so....Nationality-that'swhathaspuzzledhim.Ioughttohaveputnationalitybymarriage.ItellhimIwilllethimhavethepassportintheafternoonandhegivesmyhatagloomy,disapprovinglook.Idon'tblamehim.Itshouts'Anglaise',myhat.Andmydressextinguishesme.Andthenthisdamnedoldfurcoatslungontopofeverythingelse-thelastidiocy,thelastincongruity.

Nevermind,Ihavesomemoneynow.Imaybeabletodosomethingaboutit.Twelveo'clockonafineautumnday,andnothingtoworryabout.Somemoneytospendandnothingtoworryabout.

Butcareful,careful!Don'tgetexcited.Youknowwhathappenswhenyougetexcitedandexalted,don'tyou?....Yes....Andthen,youknowhowyoucollapselikeaprickedballoon,don'tyou?Havingnostayingpower....Yes,exactly....So,noexcitement.Thisisgoingtobeaquiet,sanefortnight.Nottoomuchdrinking,avoidanceofcertaincafes,ofcertainstreets,ofcertainspots,andeverythingwillgooffbeautifully.Thethingistohaveaprogramme,nottoleaveanythingtochance-nogaps.Notrailingaroundaimlesslywithcheapgramophonerecordsstartingupinyourhead,no'Herethishappened,herethathappened'.Aboveall,nocryinginpublic,nocryingatallifIcanhelpit.

Thinkingallthis,Ipasstheexactplaceformyafterdinnerdrink.It'sacafeontheAvenuedel'Observatoire,whichalwaysseemstobeempty.Irememberitlikethisbefore.

I'llgoinandhaveaPernod.Justone,justonce,forluck....Here'stotheMiracle,I'llsay,totheMiracle....

AmanwholookslikeanArabcomesin,accompaniedbyamelancholygirlwearingspectacles.

'Lifeisdifficult,'theArabsays.

'Yes,lifeisn'teasy,'thegirlsays.

Longpause.

'Oneneedsalotofcourage,tolive,'theArabsays.

'Ah,Ibelieveyou,'thegirlsays,shakingherheadandclickinghertongue.

TheyfinishtheirvermouthandgooutandIsitaloneinalarge,clean,emptyroomandwatchmyselfinthelongglassopposite,turningoverthepagesofanoldnumberofI'llustration,thinkingthatIhaven'tgotacareintheworld,exceptthattomorrow'sSunday-adifficultdayanywhere.SombreDimanche....

Planningitallout.Eating.Amovie.Eatingagain.Onedrink.Alongwalkbacktothehotel.Bed.Luminal.Sleep.Justsleep-nodreams.

Atfouro'clocknextafternoonIaminacinemaontheChampsElysees,accordingtoprogramme.Laughingheartilyintherightplaces.

It'saverygoodshowandIseeitthroughtwice.WhenIcomeoutofthecinemait'snightandthestreet

lampsarelit.I'mgladofthat.Ifyou'vegottowalkaroundbyyourself,it'seasierwhenthelampsarelit.

Parisislookingverynicetonight....Youarelookingverynicetonight,mybeautiful,mydarling,andohwhatabitchyoucanbe!Butyoudidn'tkillmeafterall,didyou?Andtheycouldn'tkillmeeither....

JustaboutherewewaitedforacoupleofhourstoseeAnatoleFrance'sfuneralpass,because,Ennosaid,wemustn'tletsuchagreatliteraryfiguredisappearwithoutpayinghimthetributeofalastsalute....

Therewewere,chattingawayaffably,payingAnatoleFrancethetributeofalastsalute,andmostofthepeoplewhopassedintheprocessionwerechattingawayaffablytoo,lookingasiftheyweremakingdatesforlunchesanddinners,andwewereallpayingAnatoleFrancethetributeofalastsalute.

Iwalkalong,rememberingthis,rememberingthat,tryingtofindacheapplacetoeat-notsoeasyroundhere.Thegramophonerecordisgoingstronginmyhead:'Herethishappened,herethathappened....'

Iusedtoworkinashopjustoffthisstreet.

IcanseemyselfcomingoutoftheMetrostationattheRond-Pointeverymorningathalfpasteight,walkingalongtheAvenueMarigny,turningtotheleftandthentotheright,puttingmycoatandhatintothecloak-room,goingalongapassageandstartinginwith:'Goodmorning,madame.Hasmadameavendeuse?'

....Itwasalargewhiteandgoldroomwithadarkpolishedfloor.ImitationLouisQuinzechairs,paintedscreens,threeorfourelongateddolls,beautifullydressed,withcharmingandmaliciousovalfaces.

Everytimeacustomerarrived,thecommissionairetouchedabellwhichrangjustovermyhead.Iwouldadvancetowardsthethreestepsleadingdowntothestreetdoorandstandthere,smilingasmall,discreetsmile.Iwouldsay'Goodafternoon,madame-Certainly,madame,'or'Goodafternoon,madame.MademoiselleMercedeshashadyourtelephonemessageandeverythingisready,'or'Certainly,madame....Hasmadameavendeuse?

ThenIwouldconductthecustomertothefloorabove,wheretherealactivitiesoftheshopwerecarriedon,andcallforMademoiselleMercedesorMademoiselleHenrietteorMadamePerron,asthecasemightbe.IfIforgotafaceorallottedanewcustomertoasaleswomanoutofherturn,therewasarow.

Therewasnoliftinthisshop.That'swhyIwasthere.Itwasoneofthosedresshousesstillwithacertainprestige-anyhowamongtheFrench-butitscustomersweregettingfewerandfewer.

Ihadhadthejobforthreeweeks.Itwasdreary.Youcouldn'tread;theydidn'tlikeit.IwouldfeelasifIweredrugged,sittingthere,watchingthosedamneddolls,thinkingwhatasuccesstheywouldhavemadeoftheirlivesiftheyhadbeenwomen.Satinskin,silkhair,velveteyes,sawdustheart-allcomplete.Iusedtoenvythecommissionaire,becauseatleasthecouldwatchthepeoplepassinginthestreet.Ontheotherhand,hehadtostandupallthetime.Yes,perhapsIhadratherbemyselfthanthecommissionaire.

Therewasalwaysaverystrongsmellofscent.IwouldpretendthatIcouldrecognizethevarious

scents.Todayit'sL'HeureBleue;yesterdayitwasNuitsdeChine....Theplacealsosmeltofthepolishonthefloor,theoldfurniture,thedolls'clothes.

TheshophadabranchinLondon,andthebossoftheLondonbranchhadboughtupthewholeshow.EverythreemonthsorsohecameovertotheFrenchplaceanditwasrumouredthathewasduetoarriveonacertainday.

What'shelike?Oh,he'stherealEnglishtype.Verynice,very,verychic,therealEnglishtype,lebusinessman....Ithought:'Oh,myGod,IknownowwhatthesepeoplemeanwhentheysaytherealEnglishtype.'

Hearrives.Bowlerhat,majestictrousers,oh-my-Godexpression,ha-haeyes-Iknowhimatonce.HecomesupthestepswithSalvatinibehindhim,lookingveryworried.(Salvatiniisthebossofourshop.)Don'tlethimnoticeme,don'tlethimlookatme.Isn'ttheresomethingyoucandosothatnobodylooksatyouorseesyou?Ofcourse,youmustmakeyourmindvacant,neutral,thenyourfacealsobecomesvacant,neutral-youareinvisible.

Nouse.Hecomesuptomytable.

'Goodmorning,goodmorning,Miss-'

'MrsJansen,'Salvatinisays.

ShallIstandupornotstandup?Standup,ofcourse.Istandup.

'Goodmorning.'Ismileathim.

'Andhowmanylanguagesdoyouspeak?'

Heseemsquitepleased.Hesmilesbackatme.Affable,that'stheword.Isupposethat'swhyIthinkit'sajoke.

'One,'Isay,andgoonsmiling.

Now,what'shappened?....Oh,ofcourse....

'IunderstandFrenchquitewell.'

Hefidgetswiththebuttonsonhiscoat.

'IwastoldthatthereceptionistspokeFrenchandGermanfluently,'hesaystoSalvatini.

'ShespeaksFrench,'Salvatinisays.'Assezbien,assezbien.'

MrBlanklooksatmewithliftedeyebrows.

'Sometimes,'Isayidiotically.Ofcourse,sometimes,whenIamabitdrunkandamtalkingtosomebodyIlikeandknow,IspeakFrenchveryfluentlyindeed.AtothertimesIjustspeakit.Andastothat,mydearsir,you'vegoteverythingallwrong.I'mherebecauseIhaveafriendwhoknowsMrSalvatini's

mistress,andMrSalvatini'smistressspoketoMrSalvatiniaboutme,andthedaythathesawmeIwasn'tlookingtoobadandhewasinagoodmood.NothingatalltodowithfluentFrenchandGerman,dearsir,nothingatall.I'mherebecauseI'mherebecauseI'mhere.AndjusttoprovetoyouthatIspeakFrench,I'llsingyoualittlesongaboutit:'Sivoussaviez,sivoussaviez,sivoussaviezcommentcasefait.'

ForGod'ssake,Ithink,pullyourselftogether.

Isay:'IspeakFrenchfairlywell.I'vebeenlivinginParisforeightyears.'

No,he'ssuspiciousnow.Questionsshortandsharp.

'Howlonghaveyoubeenworkinghere?'

'Aboutthreeweeks.'

'Whatwasyourlastjob?'

'IworkedattheMaisonChoseinthePlaceVendeme.'

'Oh,really,youworkedforChose,didyou?YouworkedforChose.'Hisvoiceismorerespectful.'Wereyoureceptionistthere?'

'No,'Isay.'Iworkedasamannequin.'

'Youworkedasamannequin?'

Downanduphiseyesgo,upanddown.'Howlongagowasthis?'hesays.

Howlongagowasit?Now,everythingisablankinmyhead-years,days,hours,everythingisablankinmyhead.Howlongagowasit?Idon'tknow.

'Four,nearlyfive,yearsago.'

'Howlongdidyoustaythere?'

'Aboutthreemonths,'Isay.

Heseemstobewaitingforfurtherinformation.

'AndthenIleft,'Isayinahighvoice.(Decidedlythisisoneofmygooddays.ThisisoneofthedayswhenIsayeverythingright.)

'Oh,youleft?'

'Yes,Left.'

Yes,mydearsir,Ileft.IgotboredandIwalkedoutonthem.Butthatwasfour,nearlyfive,yearsagoandalotcanhappeninfiveyears.Ihaven'ttheslightestintentionofwalkingoutonyou,Icanassure

youofthat.AndIhopeyouhaven'ttheslightestintentionof-Andjustthethoughtthatyoumayhavetheslightestintentionof-makesmyhandsgocoldandmyheartbeat.

'Haveyouworkedanywhereelsesincethen?'

'Well,no.No,Ihaven't.'

'Isee,'hesays.Hewavesbackwardsandforwardslikeatalltreethatisgoingtofallonme.Thenhemakesasoundlike'Hah',andgoesoffintoaroomattheback,followedbySalvatini.

Well,thishasgonebadly,there'snodisguisingit.Ithasgoneasbadlyaspossible.Itcouldn'thavegoneworse.Butit'sover.Nowhe'llnevernoticemeagain;he'llforgetaboutme.

AnoldEnglishwomanandherdaughtercomeintotheshop.Iescortthemupstairsandthenfidgetaboutarrangingtheshowcasesatthebackoftheroom.Inanhourorsotheycomedownagain.Theywalkuptotheshowcases,theoldladyeager,thedaughterveryreluctant.

'Canyoushowmesomeoftheseprettythings?'theoldladysays.'Iwantsomethingtowearinmyhairintheevening.'

Shetakesoffherhatandsheisperfectlybaldontop-awhite,baldskullwithafringeofgreyhair.Thedaughterstaysinthebackground.Sheispastshame,detached,grim.

'Comealong,mother,dolet'sgo.Don'tbesilly,mother.Youwon'tfindanythinghere.'

Thereisalongglassbetweenthetwowindows.Theoldladycomplacentlytriesthingsonherbaldhead.

Thedaughter'seyesmeetmineinthemirror.Damnedoldhag,isn'tshefunny?....Istarebackathercoldly.

Iwillsayfortheoldladythatshedoesn'tcareadamnaboutallthis.Shepointstovariousthingsandsays:'Showmethat-showmethat.'Asturdyoldladywithgay,boldeyes.

Shetriedonahair-band,aSpanishcomb,aflower.Agreenfeatherwavesoverherbaldhead.Sheiscalmandcompletelyunconcerned.ShewaslikeaRomanemperorinthatlastthingshetriedon.

'Mother,pleasecomeaway.Dolet'sgo.'

Theoldladydoesn'ttaketheslightestnotice,andshehaseverythingoutofbothofthecasesbeforeshegoes.Then:'Well,'shesays,'I'mverysorry.I'msosorrytohavegivenyousomuchtrouble.'

'It'snotroubleatall,madame.'

Astheygotowardsthedoorthedaughterburstsout.Aloud,fiercehiss:'Well,youmadeaperfectfoolofyourself,asusual.You'vehadeverybodyintheshopsniggering.Ifyouwanttodothisagain,you'llhavetodoitbyyourself.Irefuse,Irefuse.'

Theoldladydoesnotanswer.Icanseeherfacereflectedinamirror,hereyesstillundauntedbut

somethingabouthermouthandchincollapsing....Oh,butwhynotbuyherawig,severaldecentdresses,asmuchchampagneasshecandrink,allthethingsshelikestoeatandoughtn'tto,agigoloifshewantsone?Onelastflare-up,andshe'llbedeadinsixmonthsattheoutside.That'sallyou'rewaitingfor,isn'tit?Butno,youmusthavetheslowdeath,thebloodlesskillingthatleavesnostainonyourconscience....

Iputtheornamentsbackinthecasesslowly,carefully,justastheywere.

Thatbringsmeuptodejeuner.Igoupstairs.Onelongtablehere,themannequinsandsaleswomenallmixedup.

Thereis,ofcourse,anEnglishmannequin.'Kind,kindandgentleisshe'-andthat'sanotherdamnedlie.Butsheisverybeautiful-'bellecommeunefleurdeverre'.Andtheotherone,thelittleFrenchonewhomIlikesomuch,sheis'bellecommeunefleurdeterre'

Istillcan'tgetoverthemealatthisplace.Ihavebeenlivingforsometimeonbreadandcoffee,anditblowsmystomachouteverytime.Horsd'oeuvres,platdujour,vegetables,dessert.Coffeeandaquarterofwineareextra,butsolittleextrathateverybodyhasthem.

NobodytalksabouttheEnglishmanager-awarysilence.

Igodownstairs,feelingdazedandhappy.Graduallythehappinessgoes;Iamjustdazed.

Salvatiniputshisheadoutofthedoorbehindmeandsays:'MrBlankwantstoseeyou.'

IatoncemakeupmymindthathewantstofindoutifIcanspeakGerman.AllthelittleGermanIknowfliesoutofmyhead.Jesus,helpme!Ja,ja,nein,nein,waskostetes,WienisteinesehrschoneStadt,Buda-Pestauchistsehrschon,istschon,meinHerr,ichhabemeinenBlumenvergessen,ausmeinengrossenSchmerzen,homohominilupus,ausmeinengrossenSchmerzenmachichdiekleinenLieder,homohominilupus(I'vegotthatone,anyway),ausmeinengrossenSchmerzenhomohominidohremifahsohlatidoh....

Heissittingatthedesk,writingaletter.Istandthere.Heissuretonoticehowshabbymyshoesare.

Salvatinilooksup,givesmeafurtivesmileandthenlooksawayagain.

Comeon,standstraight,keepyourheadup,smile....

No,don'tsmile.Ifyousmile,he'llthinkyou'retryingtogetoffwithhim.Iknowthistype.Hewon'tgivemethebenefitofashadowofadoubt.Don'tsmilethen,butlookeager,alert,attentive....Runoutofthedoorandgetaway....Youfool,standstraight,lookeager,alert,attentive....No,lookhere,he'sdoingthisonpurpose....Ofcourseheisn'tdoingitonpurpose.He'sjustwritingaletter....Heis,heis.He'sdoingitonpurpose.Iknowit,Ifeelit.I'vebeenstandinghereforfiveminutes.

Thisisimpossible.

'Didyouwishtoseeme,MrBlank?'

Helooksupandsayssharply:'Yes,yes,whatisit?Whatdoyouwant?Waitaminute,waitaminute.'

AtonceIknow.Hedoesn'twantmetotalkGerman,he'sgoingtogivemethesack.Allrightthen,hurryup,getitover....

Nothing.Ijuststandthere.Nowpanichascomeonme.Myhandsareshaking,myheartisthumping,myhandsarecold.Fly,fly,runfromtheseatrociousvoices,theseabominableeyes....

Hefinisheshisletter,writesalineortwoonanotherpieceofpaperandputsitintoanenvelope.

'Willyoupleasetakethistothekise?'

Takethistothekise....IlookatSalvatini.Hesmilesencouragingly.

MrBlankrattlesout:'Beasquickasyoucan,Mrs-er-please.Thankyouverymuch.'

Iturnandwalkblindlythroughadoor.Itisalavatory.Theylooksarcasticastheywatchmegoingoutbytherightdoor.

Iwalkalittlewayalongthepassage,thenstandwithmybackagainstthewall.

Thisisaveryoldhouse-twooldhouses.Thefirstfloor,theshopproper,ismodernized.Theshowrooms,thefitting-rooms,themannequins'room....Butonthegroundflooraretheworkroomsandofficesanddozensofsmallrooms,passagesthatdon'tleadanywhere,stepsgoingupandstepsgoingdown.

Kise-kise....Itdoesn'tmeanathingtome.He'sgotmeintosuchastatethatIcan'timaginewhatitcanmean.

Now,nopanic.Thisenvelopemusthaveanameonit.

....MonsieurL.Grousset.SomewhereinthisbuildingisaMonsieurL.Grousset.Ihavegottotakethislettertohim.Easy.Somebodywilltellmewherehisroomis.Grousset,Grousset....

Iturntotheright,walkalonganotherpassage,downalightofstairs.Theworkrooms....No,Ican'taskhere.Allthegirlswillstareatme.Ishallseemsuchafool.

Itryanotherpassage.Itendsinalavatory.Thenumberoflavatoriesinthisplace,c'estinoui....Iturnthecorner,findmyselfbackintheoriginalpassageandcollidewithastrangeyoungman.Hegivesmeanastylook.

'Couldyoutellme,please,whereIcanfindMonsieurGrousset?'

'Connaispas,'theyoungmansays.

Afterthisitbecomesanightmare.Iwalkupstairs,pastdoors,alongpassages-alldifferent,allexactlyalike.ThereissomethingveryurgentthatImustdo.ButIdon'tmeetasoulandallthedoorsareshut.

Thiscan'tgoon.ShallIthrowthedamnedthingawayandforgetallaboutit?

'Whatyoumustdoisthis,'Itellmyself:'Youmustgobackandsay-quitecalmly-"I'mverysorry,but

Ididn'tunderstandwhereyouwantedmetotakethisnote."

Iknock.Hecallsout:'Comein.'Igoin

Hetakesthenotefrommyhand.HelooksatmeasifIwereadogwhichhadpresentedhimwithavery,veryoldbone.(Saysomething,saysomething....)

'Icouldn'tfindhim.''Buthowdoyoumeanyoucouldn'tfindhim?Hemustbethere.'

'I'mverysorry.Ididn'tknowwheretofindhim.'

'Youdon'tknowwheretofindthecashier-thecounting-house?

'Lacaisse,'Salvatinisays-helpfully,buttoolate.

ButifItellhimthatitwasthewayhepronounceditthatconfusedme,itwillseemrude.Betternotsayanything....

'Well,don'tyouknow?'

'Yes,Ido.Ohyes,Idoknow.'

Thatistosay,Iknewthismorningwherethecashier'sofficeis.Itisn'tsofarfromtheplacewhereweputourhatsandcoats.ButIdon'tknowadamnedthingnow....Run,runawayfromtheireyes,runfromtheirvoices,run....

Westareateachother.Ibreatheindeeplyandbreatheoutagain.

'Extraordinary,'hesays,veryslowly,'quiteextraordinary.GodknowsI'musedtofools,butthiscompleteimbecility....ThiswomanisthebiggestfoolI'veevermetinmylife.Sheseemstobehalf-witted.She'shopeless....Well,isn'tshe?'hesaystoSalvatini.

Salvatinimakesarollingmovementofhishead,shouldersandeyes,whichmeans:'Iquiteagreewithyou.Deplorable,deplorable.'Also:'She'snotsobadasyouthink.'Also:'Oh,myGod,what'sallthisabout?Whataday,whataday.Whenwillitbeover?'Anythingyoulike,Salvatini'sshrugmeans.

Nottocryinfrontofthisman.Tout,maispasca.Saysomething....No,don'tsayanything.Justwalkoutoftheroom.

'No,waitaminute,'hesays.'You'dbettertakethatnotealong.Youdoknowwhototakeittonow,don'tyou?Thecashier.'

'Yes.'

Hestaresatme.Somethingelsehascomeintohiseyes.HeknowshowIamfeeling-yes,heknows.'Justahopeless,helplesslittlefool,aren'tyou?'hesays.Jovial?Bantering?Onthesurface,yes.Underneath?

No,Idon'tthinkso.'Well,aren'tyou?''Yes,yes,yes,yes.Oh,yes.'Iburstintotears.Ihaven'tevengota

handkerchief.

'Dearme,'MrBlanksays.'Allons,allons,'Salvatinisays.'Voyons'....'

Irushawayfromthemintoafitting-room.Itishardlyeverused.Itisonlyusedwhentheroomsupstairsarefull.Ishutthedoorandlockit.

Icryforalongtime-formyself,fortheoldwomanwiththebaldhead,forallthesadnessofthisdamnedworld,forallthefoolsandallthedefeated....

Inthisfitting-roomthereisadressinoneofthecupboardswhichhasbeenwornalotbythemannequinsandisgoingtobesoldoffforfourhundredfrancs.Thesaleswomanhaspromisedtokeepitforme.Ihavetriediton;Ihaveseenmyselfinit.Itisablackdresswithwidesleevesembroideredinvividcolours-red,green,blue,purple.Itismydress.IfIhadbeenwearingitIshouldneverhavestammeredorbeenstupid.

NowIhavestoppedcrying.NowIshallneverhavethatdress.Today,thisday,thishour,thisminuteIamutterlydefeated.Ihavehadenough.

Nowthecircleiscomplete.Now,strangelyenough,IamnolongerafraidofMrBlank.HeisonethingandIamanother.Heknewmerightaway,assoonashecameinatthedoor.AndIknewhim....

Igointotheotherroom,thistimewithoutknocking.Salvatinihasgone.MrBlankisstillwritingletters.IshemakingdateswithallthegirlsheknowsinParis?Ibetthat'swhatheisdoing.

Helooksatmewithdistaste.Platdujour-boiledeyes,servedcold....

Well,let'sarguethisout,MrBlank.You,whorepresentSociety,havetherighttopaymefourhundredfrancsamonth.That'smymarketvalue,forIamaninefficientmemberofSociety,slowintheuptake,uncertain,slightlydamagedinthefray,there'snodenyingit.Soyouhavetherighttopaymefourhundredfrancsamonth,tolodgemeinasmall,darkroom,toclothemeshabbily,toharassmewithworryandmonotonyandunsatisfiedlongingstillyougetmetothepointwhenIblushatalook,cryataword.Wecan'tallbehappy,wecan'tallberich,wecan'tallbelucky-anditwouldbesomuchlessfunifwewere.Isn'titso,MrBlank?Theremustbethedarkbackgroundtoshowupthebrightcolours.Somemustcrysothattheothersmaybeabletolaughthemoreheartily.Sacrificesarenecessary....Let'ssaythatyouhavethismysticalrighttocutmylegsoff.ButtherighttoridiculemeafterwardsbecauseIamacripple-no,thatIthinkyouhaven'tgot.Andthat'stherightyouholdmostdearly,isn'tit?Youmustbeabletodespisethepeopleyouexploit.ButIwishyoualotoftrouble,MrBlank,andjusttostartofwith,yourdamnedshop'sgoingbust.Alleluia!DidIsayallthis?OfcourseIdidn't.Ididn'teventhinkit.

IsaythatI'millandwanttogo.(Getitinfirst.)Andhesayshequiteagreesthatitwouldbethebestthing.'Noregrets,'hesays,'noregrets.'

AndthereIam,outintheAvenueMarigny,withmymonth'spay-fourhundredfrancs.Andtheairsosweet,asitcanonlybeinParis.Itisautumnandthedryleavesareblowingalong.Swinghigh,swinglow,swingtoandfro....

Thinkingofmyjobs....TherewasthatoneIhadintheshopcalledYoungBritain.XplusZBW.Thatmeantfcs.68.60.Thenanotherhieroglyphic-XQ15tn-meantsomethingelse,fcs.112.75.Littleboys'sailorsuitswerethere,andyounggentlemen'sNorfolksuitswerethere....Well,Igotthesackfromthatinaweek,andverypleasedIwastoo.

Thentherewasthatotherjob-asaguide.StandinginthemiddleofthePlacedel'Opera,losingmyheadandnotknowingthewaytotheRuedelaPaix.North,south,east,west-theyhavenomeaningforme....Theywanttosaunter,thisplump,placidladyandherslightlylessplaciddaughter.TheywanttosaunterinthebeautifulParissunlight,totheRuedelaPaix.

IpullmyselftogetherandwegettotheRuedelaPaix.WegototheFrench-EnglishdressshopsandwegototheFrench-Frenchdressshops.Andthentheysaytheywanttohavelunch.ItakethemtoarestaurantinthePlacedelaMadeleine.Theyareenormouslyrich,thesetwo,themotherandthedaughter.Bothareveryrichandverysad.Neithercanimaginewhatitisliketobehappyoreventobegay,neitherthemothernorthedaughter.

Intherestaurantthewaitersuggestspancakeswithrumsaucefordessert.Theyarestrictteetotallers,buttheylapuptherumsauce.I'veneverseenanybody'smoodchangesoquicklyasthemother'sdid,aftertheyhadhadtwohelpingsofit.

'Whatdelicioussauce!'Theyhaveathirdhelping.Theireyesareswimming.Thedaughter'seyessay'Certainly,certainly';themother'seyessay'Perhaps,perhaps....'

'Itisstrangehowsaditcanbe-sunlightintheafternoon,don'tyouthink?'

'Yes,'Isay,'itcanbesad.'

Butthesoftenedmooddoesn'tlast.

Shehascoffeeandaglassofwaterandisherselfagain.NowshewantstobetakentotheexhibitionofLoieFullermaterials,andshewantstobetakentotheplacewheretheysellthatGermancamerawhichcan'tbegotanywhereelseoutsideGermany,andshewantstobetakentoaplacewhereshecanbuyahatwhichwillepatereverybodysheknowsandyetbeeasytowear,andontopofallthisshewantstobetakentoacertainexhibitionofpictures.Butshedoesn'tremembertheman'snameandsheisn'tsurewheretheexhibitionis.However,sheknowsthatshewillrecognizethenamewhenshehearsit.

Itry.Iquestionwaiters,oldladiesinlavabos,girlsinshops.Theyallrespond.Thereisafreemasonryamongthosewhopreyupontherich.Imanageeverything,exceptperhapsthehat.

Butshesawthroughme.SheonlygavemetwentyfrancsforatipandInevergotanotherjobasguidefromtheAmericanExpress.Thatwasmyfirstandlast.

Itry,buttheyalwaysseethroughme.Thepassageswillneverleadanywhere,thedoorswillalwaysbeshut.Iknow....

ThenIstartthinkingabouttheblackdress,longingforit,madly,furiously.IfIcouldgetiteverythingwouldbedifferent.SupposingIaskSo-and-sotoaskSo-and-sotoaskMadamePerrontokeepitforme?....I'llgetthemoney.I'llgetit....

Walkinginthenightwiththedarkhousesoveryou,likemonsters.Ifyouhavemoneyandfriends,housesarejusthouseswithstepsandafrontdoor-friendlyhouseswherethedooropensandsomebodymeetsyou,smiling.Ifyouarequitesecureandyourrootsarewellstruckin,theyknow.Theystandbackrespectfully,waitingforthepoordevilwithoutanyfriendsandwithoutanymoney.Thentheystepforward,thewaitinghouses,tofrownandcrush.Nohospitabledoors,nolitwindows,justfrowningdarkness.Frowningandleeringandsneering,thehouses,oneafteranother.Tallcubesofdarkness,withtwolightedeyesatthetoptosneer.Andtheyknowwhotofrownat.Theyknowaswellasthepolicemanonthecorner,anddon'tyouworry....

Walkinginthenight.Backtothehotel.Alwaysthesamehotel.Youpressthebutton.Thedooropens.Yougoupthestairs.Alwaysthesamestairs,alwaysthesameroom....

Thelandingisemptyanddeserted.Atthistimeofnighttherearenopails,nobrooms,nopilesofdirtysheets.Themannextdoorhasputhisshoesoutside-long,pointed,patentleathershoes,verycracked.Hedoesgetdressed,then..Iwonderaboutthisman.Perhapsheisacommercialtravelleroutofajobforthemoment.Yes,that'swhathemightbe-acommisvoyageur.Perhapshe'satravellerindressinggowns.

Now,quiet,quiet....Thisisgoingtobeanicesanefortnight.'Quiet,quiet,'IsaytotheclockwhenIamwindingitup,anditmakesanoisebetweenabelchandagiggle.

Thebathroomhereisonthegroundfloor.Ilieinthebath,listeningtothepatronnetalkingtoaclient.Hesayshewantsaroomforayoungladyfriendofhis.Notatonce,heisjustlookingaround.

'Aroom?Aniceroom?'

Iwatchcockroachescrawlingfromunderneaththecarpetandcrawlingbackagain.Thereisaloweredcarpetinthisbathroom,twooldarmchairsandahugewardrobewithaspottedmirror.

'Aniceroom?'Ofcourse,unebellechambre,theclientwants.Thepatronnesaysshehasaverybeautifulroomonthesecondfloor,whichwillbevacantinaboutamonth'stime.

That'sthewayitis,that'sthewayitgoes,thatwasthewayitwent....Aroom.Aniceroom.Abeautifulroom.Abeautifulroomwithbath.Averybeautifulroomwithbath.Abedroomandsittingroomwithbath.Uptothedizzyheightsofthesuite.Twobedrooms,sittingroom,bathandvestibule.(Thesmallbedroomisincaseyoudon'tfeellikeme,orincaseyoumeetsomebodyyoulikebetterandcomeinlate.)Anythingyouwantbroughtuponthedinnerwagon.(But,alas!thewaiterhasalouseonhiscollar.Whatisthatonhiscollar?Bitteschon,meinHerr,bitteschon....)Swinghigh....Now,slowly,down.Abeautifulroomwithbath.Aroomwithbath.Aniceroom.Aroom....

Now,whataretheysaying?'Marthe,montrezlenumerodouze.'Andtheprice?Fourhundredfrancsamonth.Iampayingthreetimesasmuchasthatformyroomonthefourthfloor.ItshowsthatIhaveendedasasuccessfulwoman,anyway,howeverImayhavestarted.Onelookatmeandthepricesgoup.AndwhentheExhibitionispulleddownandthetouristshavedeparted,whereshallIbe?Intheotherroom,ofcourse-theonejustoftheGray'sInnRoad,asusualtryingtodrinkmyselftodeath....

WhenIgetupstairsthemannextdoorisoutonthelanding,alsoyellingforMarthe.Hisflannelnightshitscarcelyreacheshisknees.Whenheseesmehegrins,comestotheheadofthestairsandstands

there,blockingtheway.

'Bonjour.Cava?'

Iwalkpasthimwithoutansweringandslamthedoorofmyroom.Iexpectallthisisajoke.Iexpecthetellshisfriendonthefloorbelow:'AnEnglishtouristhastakentheroomnexttomine.Ihavealotoffunwiththatwoman.'

Agirlismaking-upatanopenwindowimmediatelyopposite.Thestreetissonarrowthatwearefacetoface,sotospeak.Icanseesocks,stockingsandunderclothesdryingonalineinherroom.Sheavertshereyes,herexpressionhardens.IrealizethatifIwatchhermaking-upshewillretaliatebystaringatmewhenIdothesamething.Ihalfshutmywindowandmoveawayfromit.

Aterriblehotel,this-anawfulplace.Imustgetoutofit.OnlyIwouldhavelandedhere,onlyIwouldstayhere....

Ihavejustfinisheddressingwhenthereisaknockonthedoor.It'sthecommis,inhisbeautifuldressinggown,immaculatelywhite,withlong,wide,hangingsleeves.Iwonderhowhegotholdofit.Somewomanmusthavegivenittohim.Hestandstheresmilinghissillysmile.Istareathim.Helookslikeapriest,thepriestofsomeobscene,half-understoodreligion.

AtlastImanage:'Well,whatisit?Whatdoyouwant?

'Nothing'hesays,'nothing.'

'Oh,goaway.'

Hedoesn'tanswerormove.Hestandsinthedoorway,smiling.(Nowthen,youandIunderstandeachother,don'twe?Let'sstoppretending.)

Iputmyhandonhischest,pushhimbackwardsandbangthedoor.It'squiteeasy.It'slikepushingapaperman,aghost,somethingthatdoesn'texist.

AndthereIaminthisdimroomwiththebedformadameandthebedformonsieurandthenarrowstreetoutside(whattheycallanimpasse),thinkingofthatwhitedressinggown,likeapriest'srobes.Frightenedashell.Anightmarefeeling....

ThismorningthehallsmellslikeaverycheapTurkishbathinLondon-thesortofplacethatisgotuptolookrespectableandcleanoutside,thepassageveryantisepticandthewomanwhomeetsyouacrossbetweenaprisonwardressandadeaconess,andeverybodyspeakinginwhisperingvoiceswithloweredeyes:'FoamorTurkish,madam?'AndthenyougodownintotheTurkishbathitselfandintoafogofstalesweat-ten,twentyyearsold.

Thepatron,thepatronneandthetwomaidsarehavingtheirmealinaroombehindthebureau.Theyhavesomefriendswiththem.Loudtalkingandlaughing...."Tun'osespas,"qu'ellem'adit."Ballot!"qu'ellem'adit.Comment,jen'osepas?Vousallezvoirquejeluiaidit:"Attends,attends,maille.Tuvasvoirsijen'osepas."Alors,voussavezcequej'aifait?J'ai'

Hisvoicepursuesmeoutintothestreet.'Attends,maille,attends...."

I'vegottofindanotherhotel.Ifeelillandgiddy,I'dbettertakeataxi.Whereto?IrememberthatIhaveanaddressinmyhandbag,abrochurewithpictures.Lehall,lerestaurant,lelounge,abedroomwithbath,abedroomwithoutbath,etcetera.Everythingofthemostrespectable-that'stheplaceforme....

Thereisaporteratthedoorandatthereceptiondeskagreyhairedwomanandasleekyoungman.

'Iwantaroomfortonight.'

'Aroom?Aroomwithbath?'

Iamstillfeelingillandgiddy.Isayconfidentially,leaningforward:'Iwantalightroom.'

Theyoungmanliftshiseyebrowsandstaresatme.

Itryagain.'Idon'twantaroomlookingonthecourtyard.Iwantalightroom.'

'Alightroom?'theladysayspensively.Sheturnsoverthepagesofherbooks,lookingforalightroom.

'Wehavenumber219,'shesays.'Abeautifulroomwithbath.Seventyfivefrancsanight.'(God,Ican'taffordthat.)'It'saverybeautifulroomwithbath.Twowindows.Verylight,'shesayspersuasively.

Agirliscalledtoshowmetheroom.Asweareabouttostartforthelift,theyoungmansays,speakingoutofthesideofhismouth.'Ofcourseyouknowthatnumber219isoccupied.'

'Ohno.Number219hadhisbillthedaybeforeyesterday,'thereceptionistsays.'Iremember.Igaveittohimmyself.'

Ilistenanxiouslytothisconversation.SuddenlyIfeelthatImusthavenumber219,withbath-number219,withrosecolouredcurtains,carpetandbath.IshallexistonadifferentplaneatonceifIcangetthisroom,ifonlyforacoupleofnights.Itwillbeanomen.Whosaysyoucan'tescapefromyourfate?I'llescapefrommine,intoroomnumber219.Justtryme,justgivemeachance.

'Heaskedforhisbill,'theyoungmansays,inavoicewhichisatriumphofscornandcynicism.'Heaskedforhisbillbutthatdoesn'tmeanthathehasgone.'

Thereceptioniststartsarguing.'Whenpeopleaskfortheirbills,it'sbecausetheyaregoing,isn'tit?'

'Yes,'hesays,'Frenchpeople.Theothersaskfortheirbillstoseeifwe'regoingtocheatthem.'

'MyGod,'saysthereceptionist,'foreigners,foreigners,myGod....'

Theyoungmanturnshisback,entirelydissociatinghimselffromwhatisgoingon.

Number219-well,nowIknowallabouthim.AllthetimetheyaretalkingIamseeinghim-histrousers,hisshoes,thewayhebrusheshishair,thesortofgirlshelikes.Hishandluggageislightyellowandhehasapaunch.

ButIcan'tseehisface.Hewearsamask,number219....

'Showtheladynumber334.'

Thelady-likegirl-weareallladieshere,allladies-takesmeupintheliftandshowsmeacomfortablyfurnishedroomwhichlooksontoahigh,blankwall.

'ButIdon'twantaroomlookingonthecourtyard.Iwantalightroom.'

'Thisisaverylightroom,'thegirlsays,turningonthelampbythebed.

'No,'Isay.'Imeanalightroom.Alightone.Notadarkone.'Shestaresatme.IsupposeIsoundabitcrazy.Isay:'Yes....Thankyouverymuch-butno.'

Thereceptionistdownstairstiestostopmeandargueaboutotherroomsshehas-beautifulrooms.Isay:'Yes,yes,I'lltelephone,'andrushout.

Abeautifulroomwithbath?Aroomwithbath?Aniceroom?Aroom?....Butnevertellthetruthaboutthisbusinessofrooms,becauseitwouldbusttheroofofeverythingandunderminethewholesocialsystem.Allroomsarethesame.Allroomshavefourwalls,adoor,awindowortwo,abed,achairandperhapsabidet.Aroomisaplacewhereyouhidefromthewolvesoutsideandthat'sallanyroomis.WhyshouldIworryaboutchangingmyroom?

WhenIgetbacktothehotelafterIhavehadsomethingtoeat,itlooksallrightandsmellsasrespectableasyouplease.Iimagineditall,Iimaginedeverything....Somebody'sTimesLiterarySupplementpeepscoylyfromtheletter-rack.Awhite-hairedAmericanladyandagirlwholookslikeherdaughteraretalkinginthehall.

'Lookhere,lookatthis.Here'saportraitofRimbaud.Rimbaudlivedhere,itsays.'

'Andhere'sVerlaine....Didheliveheretoo?'

'Yes,helivedheretoo.Theybothlivedhere.Theylivedheretogether.Wellnow,isn'tthatinteresting?'

Thecommisisonthelanding.Hescowlsatmeandatoncegoesintohisbedroomandshutsthedoor.Well,that'sallright,that'sallright.Ifwebothtryhardtoavoideachother,weoughttobeabletomanageit.

Theroomwelcomesmeback.

'Thereyouare,'itsays.'Youdidn'tgooff,then?'

'No,no.Ithoughtbetterofit.HereIbelongandhereI'llstay.'

HealwayscalledthatbarthePigandLily,becausetheproprietor'snamewasPecanelli.ItisinoneofthosestreetsatthebackoftheMontparnassestation.GotuptolooklikeanoldeEnglishtavern.Idon'tseewhyIshouldn'trevisitit.Ihavenevermadescenesthere,collapsed,cried-sofarasIknowIhaveaperfectlycleanslate.Weusedtogothere,haveacoupleofdrinks,eathotdogsandtalkaboutthenextwarorsomethinglikethat.Nothingtocryabout,Imean....

'We?'Well,hewasoneofthosepeoplewithverylong,thinfacesandverypaleblueeyes.After

workinginaManchestershippingofficeuntilhewastwentyfive,hehadbrokenawayandcometoParis,andwasreadingforhismedicaldegreeattheUniversity.Alovingrelativesuppliedhimwiththemoney-thatwasonestory.Butanotherwasthathereallykeptgoingonmoneyhewonatcards.Thatmighthavebeentrue,forhewasthesortthatplayscardsverywell.

Helovedpopularfairs,thisboy-theNeuillyfair,theMontmartrefair,eventhemerry-go-roundsattheLiondeBelfort-andhehadpainfullytaughthimselftolikemusic.Bach,ofcourse,washisfavouritecomposer.Theothers,hesaid,hepreferredtoread,nottolistento.'Heardmelodiesaresweet,butthoseunheardaresweeter'-thatsortofthing.Hewasabitofafish,really.Sometimeshemademybloodruncold.Andinspiteofhislong,thinface,hewasn'tsensitive.

Onedayhesaid:'I'lltakeyoutoseesomethingratherinteresting.'And,wanderingalongthestreetsatthebackoftheHalles,wecametoacafewheretheclientspaidfortheright,nottohaveadrink,buttosleep.Theysatclose-pressedagainsteachotherwiththeirarmsonthetables,theirheadsintheirarms.Everyplaceintheroomwasfilled;otherslayalongthefloor.Wesquintedinatthemthroughthewindows.'Wouldyouliketogoinandhavealookatthem?'hesaid,asifhewereexhibitingalotofmonkeys.'It'sallright,wecangoin-thechaphereknowsme.There'sonefellowwhoisusuallyhere.Ifyoustandhimafewdrinksandgethimreallygoinghetriestoeathisglass.It'sverycurious.Yououghttoseethat.'

WhenIsaid:'Notforanythingonearth,'hethoughtIhadgoneshyorsentimental.'Well,'Isaid,'allright.I'llwatchyoueatingaglasswithpleasure.'Hedidn'tlikethatatall.

Iarrivethinkingofthisboy,andscrewmyselfuptogointoaroomfullofpeople.Buttheplaceisempty-deadasadoor-nail.Thereisanewproprietor-afat,baldmanwithaDutchnose.Hehasonlybeenherefortwoyears,hetellsme.

ThespecialitynowisJavanesefood,andtheEnglishhunting-scenesonthewallslookveryexotic....Tally-ho,tally-ho,tally-ho,a-huntingwewillgo....Thecold,clearvoices,thecold,lighteyes....Tally-ho,tally-ho,tally-ho....

Apartyofthreecomesin-twomenandagirl.Oneofthemenstaresatme.Hesaystothegirl:'Tulaconnais,lavieille?'

Now,whoishetalkingabout?Me?Impossible.Me-lavieille?

Thegirlsays:'TheEnglishwoman?No,Idon'tknowher.WhyshouldyouimagineIknowher?'

ThisisasIthoughtandworsethanIthought....AmadoldEnglishwoman,wanderingaroundMontparnasse.'AParisilyadesAnglaises,Oah,yes,oah,yes,Aussiplat'scomm'despunaises,Oah,yes,oah,yes....ThisisindeedworsethanIthought.

Istareattheyoungman.Helooksembarrassedandturnshiseyesaway.NotFrench....

ThisisindeedworsethanIthought.That'swhatIwastoldwhenIcamebacktoLondonthatfamouswinterfiveyearsago.'Whydidn'tyoudrownyourself,theolddevilsaid,'intheSeine?'IntheSeine,Iaskyou-butthatwasjustwhathesaid.Averypropersentiment-butwhatawaytoputit!Talkaboutbeingmelodramatic!'Weconsideryouasdead.Whydidn'tyoumakeaholeinthewater?Whydidn't

youdrownyourselfintheSeine?'Thesephrasesruntrippinglyofthetonguesoftheextremelyrespectable.Theythinkintermsofasentimentalballad.Andthat'swhatterrifiesyouaboutthem.Itisn'ttheircruelty,itisn'teventheirshrewdness-it'stheirextraordinarynaivete.Everythingintheirwholebloodyworldisacliche.Everythingisbornoutofacliche,restsonacliche,survivesbyacliche.Andtheybelieveinthecliches-there'snohope.

Thenthejamafterthemedicine.Ishallreceiveasolicitor'slettereveryTuesdaycontaining�210sod.Alegacy,thecapitalnottobetouched....'Who?'....WhenIheardIwasverysurprised-Ishouldn'thavethoughtshelikedmeatall.'Youmayconsideryourselfveryfortunate,'hesaid,andwhenIsawtheexpressioninhiseyesIknewexactlywhyshedidit.Shedidittoannoytherestofthefamily....Andofcourseitwasimpossibletotellmeofthisbefore,becausetheydidn'tknowmyaddress.Therewasnothingtosaytothatexcept:'Goodbye,dearsir,andmindyoudon'ttripovertheholeinthecarpet.'

It'ssolikehim,Ithought,thatherefusestocallmeSasha,orevenSophie.No,it'sSophia,fullandgrand.Whydidn'tyoudrownyourselfintheSeine,Sophia?....'Sophiawentdownwheretheriverflowed-Wild,wildSophia...."

Well,thatwastheendofme,therealend.TwopoundteneveryTuesdayandaroomoftheGray'sInnRoad.Saved,rescuedandwithmyplacetohidein-whatmoredidIwant?Icreptinandhid.Thelidofthecoffinshutdownwithabang.NowInolongerwishtobeloved,beautiful,happyorsuccessful.Iwantonethingandonethingonly-tobeleftalone.Nomorepawings,nomorepryings-leavemealone....They'lldothatallright,mydear.)

'AtfirstIwasafraidtheywouldletgatesbangonmyhindquarters,andIusedtobenervousofunknownpeopleandplaces.'QuotationfromTheAutobiographyofaMare-oneofmyfavouritebooks....WeEnglisharesoanimalconscious.Weknowsoinstinctivelywhatthecreaturesfeelandwhytheyfeelit....

ItwasthenthatIhadthebrightideaofdrinkingmyselftodeath.Thirtyfivepoundsofthelegacyhadaccumulated,itseemed.Thatoughttodothetrick.

Ididtryit,too.I'vehadenoughofthesestreetsthatsweatacold,yellowslime,ofhostilepeople,ofcryingmyselftosleepeverynight.I'vehadenoughofthinking,enoughofremembering.Nowwhisky,rum,gin,sherry,vermouth,winewiththebottleslabelled'Dumvivimusvivamus'....'Drink,drink,drink....AssoonasIsoberupIstartagain.Ihavetoforceitdownsometimes.You'dthinkI'dgetdeliriumtremensorsomething.

Nothing.Imustbesolidasanoak.ExceptwhenIcry.

Iwatchmyfacegraduallybreakingup-cheekspuffingout,eyesgettingsmaller.Nevermind.'Whilewelive,letuslive,'saythebottlesofwine.Whenwegive,letusgive.Besides,itisn'tmyface,thistorturedandtormentedmask.IcantakeitofwheneverIlikeandhangituponanail.OrshallIplaceonitatallhatwithagreenfeather,hangaveiloverthelot,andwalkaboutthedarkstreetssomerrily?Singingdefiantly'Youdon'tlikeme,butIdon'tlikeyoueither."Don'tlikejam,hamorlamb,andIdon'tlikeroly-poly"'Singing'Onemorerivertocross,that'sJordan,Jordan'

Ihavenopride-nopride,noname,noface,nocountry.Idon'tbelonganywhere.Toosad,toosad....Itdoesn'tmatter,thereIam,likeoneofthosestrawswhichfloatsroundtheedgeofawhirlpoolandis

graduallysuckedintothecentre,thedeadcentre,whereeverythingisstagnant,everythingiscalm.TwopoundtenaweekandaroomjustoftheGray'sInnRoad....

AllthistimeIamreadingthemenuoverandoveragain.Thisusedtobeaplacewhereyoucouldonlygethotdogs,choucroute,Viennasteak,Welshrabbitandthingslikethat.Now,it'smoreambitious.'SpecialitesJavanaises(parpersonne,indivisibles):Rystafelcomplet(16plats),25.00,Rystafelpetit(10plats),17.50,NassiGoreng,12.50....'Thebackofthemenuiscoveredwithsketchesoflittlewomenand'Sendmoremoney,sendmoremoney'iswrittenoverandoveragain.Thisamusesme.Ithinkofallthetelegraphwiresbuzzing'Sendmoremoney'.Inspiteofeverything,thewiresfromParisalwaysbuzzing'Sendmoremoney.

Thethreepeopleatthenexttablearetalkingabouthorseracing.ThetwomenareDutch.

Igetapenciloutofmybag.Iwriteinacornerofthemenu'As-tucompris?Si,j'aicompris.Ihopeyougotthat.Yes,Igotit.'Ifoldthemenuupandputitinmybag.Alittlesouvenir....

Thedooropens.FiveChinesecomein.Theywalkdowntotheendoftheroominsinglefileandstandthere,talking.Thentheyallfilesolemnlyoutagain,smilingpolitely.Theproprietormuttersforabit.Thenhepretendstoarrangetheforksandknivesonatablenearby,andtellsusthatbeforetheyordereddrinkstheywantedtoseethefirelightedintheopengrate,whichispartoftheoldeEnglishatmosphere.Theywantedtoseetheflamesdance.Foralongtime,hesays,hehasknownthateverybodyinMontparnasseismad,butthisisthelaststraw.

'Touspiques,'hesays,withsuchanaccentofdespair,'tousdingo,tous,tous,tous...."

IamnotatallsadasIwalkbacktothehotel.WhenIrememberhowonewell-directed'Oh,myGod,'laysmeoutflatinLondon,Icanonlymarvelattheeffectthisplacehasonme.Iexpectitisbecausethedrinkissomuchbetter.

No,Iamnotsad,butbythetimeIgettotheBoulevardStMichelIamfeelingtired.Ihavewalkedalongheresooften,feelingtired....Hereisthefountainwiththebeautifulprancinghorses.ThereisatabacwhereIcanhaveadrinknearthenextstatue,thequininestatue.

Justthentwomencomeupfrombehindandwalkalongoneithersideofme.Oneofthemsays:'PourquoiStes-voussitriste?'

Yes,Iamsad,sadasacircus-lioness,sadasaneaglewithoutwings,sadasaviolinwithonlyonestringandthatonebroken,sadasawomanwhoisgrowingold.Sad,sad,sad....OrperhapsifIjustsaid'merde'itwoulddoaswell.

Idon'tspeakandwewalkalonginsilence.ThenIsay:'ButI'mnotsad.WhyshouldyouthinkI'msad?'Isitaritual?AmIboundtoanswerthesamequestioninthesamewords?

Westopunderalamp-posttoguessnationalities.Sotheysay,thoughIexpectitisbecausetheywanttohaveacloserlookatme.Theytactfullydon'tguessmine.AretheyGermans?No.Scandinavians,perhaps?No,theshorteronesaystheyareRussians.WhenIhearthatIatonceaccepttheiroffertogoandhaveadrink.LesRusses-that'llwinduptheeveningnicely....

Therearetwocafesoppositeeachotherinthisstreetnearmyhotel-theonewheretheproprietorishostile,theonewheretheproprietorisneutral.Imustbeabitdrunk,becauseIleadthemintothewrongone

Mylife,whichseemssosimpleandmonotonous,isreallyacomplicatedaffairofcafeswheretheylikemeandcafeswheretheydon't,streetsthatarefriendly,streetsthataren't,roomswhereImightbehappy,roomswhereInevershallbe,lookingglassesIlooknicein,lookingglassesIdon't,dressesthatwillbelucky,dressesthatwon't,andsoon.

However,beingabittight,hereIamonthewrongsideofthestreetinthehostilecafe.Notthatitmatters,asIamnotalone.

OneoftheRussians,theyounger,isgoodlookinginagentle,melancholyway.Heisvaguelylikethemanwhoalwaystookthespy-partsinGermanfilmssomeyearsago.It'stheshapeofhishead.Theotherisshortandfair,withveryblueeyes.Hewearspince-nez.Hemustbethemorealiveofthetwo,becauseIfindmyselflookingathimandtalkingtohimallthetime.

Theusualconversation....IsaythatIamnotsad.ItellthemthatIamveryhappy,verycomfortable,quiterichenough,andthatIamoverherefortwoweekstobuyalotofclothestostartlemyfriends-mymanyfriends.Theshorterman,whoitseemsisadoctor,iswillingtobelievethatIamhappybutnotthatIamrich.Hehasoftennoticed,hesays,thatEnglishwomenhavemelancholyexpressions.Itdoesn'tmeananything.Theotheroneisimpressedbymyfurcoat,Icansee.HeiswillingtobelievethatIamrichbuthesaysagainthathedoesn'tthinkIamhappy.Theshortmanmustbethemoreworldly-wise;theotheroneislikeme-hehashisfeelingsandstickstothem.Heistheonewhoaccostedme.

'Ifeelagreatsadnessinyou,'hesays.

Tristesse,whataniceword!Tristesse,lointaine,langsam,forlorn,forlorn....

Now,forgoodness'sake,listentothisconversation,which,aftertheseconddrink,seemstobeaboutgodsandgoddesses.

'MadameVenussefachera,'theshortoneissaying,wagginghisfingeratme.

'Oh,her!'Isay.'Idon'tlikeheranymore.She'splayedmetoomanydirtytricks.''Shedoesthattoeveryone.Allthesame,becareful....

WhatgoddotheyworshipinEngland,whatgoddess?''Idon'tknow,butitcertainlyisn'tVenus.Somebodywroteoncethattheyworshipabitch-goddess.Itcertainlyisn'tVenus.'

Thenwetalkaboutcruelty.Ilookintothedistancewithablankexpressionandsay:'Humanbeingsarecruel-horriblycruel.'

'Notatall,'theolderoneanswersirritably,'notatall.That'saveryshort-sightedview.Humanbeingsarestruggling,andsotheyareegotists.Butit'swrongtosaythattheyarewhollycruel-it'sadeformedview.'

Thatgoesonforabitandthenpetersout.Nowwehavediscussedlove,wehavediscussedcruelty,and

theysheerofpolitics.It'sratherstrange-thewaytheysheerofpolitics.Nothingmoretobediscussed.Well,we'llmeetagain,shan'twe?....Ofcourseweshall.Itwouldbeapitynottomeetagain,wouldn'tit?WillImeetthematthePekintomorrowforlunch?IhaveanideathatIshan'tbefeelingmuchlikeChinesefoodathalfpasttwelvetomorrow.WearrangetomeetattheDomeatfouro'clock.

Theyconductmetothedoorofmyhotel.TheyoungeroneremembersthatIhaveleftmymenubehind-Ihadbeenshowingittothem,thesketchesofthelittlewomenandthe'Sendmoremoney,sendmoremoney'-andgoesbacktogetit.

'Don'ttrouble.Idon'treallywantit.'

ButhehasgonebeforeIcanstophim.Imustkeepthisthing.It'sfate.

AgainIlieawake,tryingtoresistagreatwishtogotoahairdresserinthemorningtohavemyhairdyed.

WhenIcomeoutofthehotelnextmorningalittleoldwomanstopsmeandasksformoney.Igivehertwofrancs.

Whenshethanksmeshelooksstraightintomyeyeswithanironicalexpression.

AsIgopastthebaker'sshopatthecornerofthestreetshecomesout,withalongloafofbread,smilesatmeandwavesgaily,Iwaveback.ForamomentIescapefrommyself.Butshedisappearsalongasidestreet,eatingtheloaf,andagainIstartthinkingaboutdyeingmyhair.

IpasstheItalianrestaurant.IpassTheodore's.It'salongwaytotheplaceIusuallyeatat.Ihesitate,turnback,goin.IhadmeanttoavoidTheodore's,becausehemightrecognizeme,becausehemightthinkIamchanged,becausehemightsayso.

Isitdowninacorner,feelinguneasy.

Hehasn'tchangedatall.Helooksacrosstheroomatmefrombehindthebarandhalf-smiles.Hehasrecognizedme....Veryunlikely.Besides,whatifhehas,what'sitmatter?Theycan'tkillyou,canthey?Oh,can'tthey,though,can'tthey?

TodayImustbeverycareful,todayIhaveleftmyarmourathome.

Theodore'sismoreexpensivethanmostoftherestaurantsroundhereanditisnotveryfull.Iwatchthegirloppositecuttingupthemeatonherplate.Sheprongsabitwithherforkandputsitintohercompanion'smouth.Heeats,registerspleasureashardashecan,prodsroundforthebestbitonhisplateandfeedsherwithit.Atanymomentyouexpectthesetwotostartflappingwingsandchirping.

Thenthere'samiddleagedcouplewiththeirnapkinstuckedundertheirchinsandaprettywomanaccompaniedbyherhusband-husband,Ithink,notlover.

Thesepeopleallflingthemselvesatme.BecauseIamuneasyandsadtheyallflingthemselvesatmelargerthanlife.ButIcanputmyarmuptoavoidtheimpactandtheyslidegentlytotheground.Individualists,completelywrappedupinthemselves,thankGod.It'stheextrovert,prancingaround,dyingforabitoffun-that'sthepersonyou'vegottobewaryof.

Iordersoleandwhitewine.Ieatwithmyeyesgluedonmyplate,thefeelingofpanicgrowingworse.(Itoldyounottocomeinhere,Itoldyounotto.)

Atlast,coffee.IwishIwasn'tsittingsofarfromthedoor.However,it'snearlyover.SoonIshallbeoutinthestreetagain.Ifeelbetter.

Ilightacigaretteanddrinkthecoffeeslowly.AsIamdoingthistwogirlswalkin-atall,redhairedoneandalittle,plump,darkone.Sportsclothes,nohats,English.

Theodorewaddlesuptotheirtableandtalkstothem.ThetallgirlspeaksFrenchverywell.Ican'thearwhatTheodoreissaying,butIwatchhismouthmovingandthehugemoon-faceunderthetallchef'scap.

Thegirlsturnandstareatme.

'Oh,myGod!'thetallonesays.

Theodoregoesontalking.Thenhetooturnsandlooksatme.'Ah,thosewerethedays,'hesays.

'Etqu'est-cequ'ellefoutici,maintenant?'thetallgirlsays,loudly.

Noweverybodyintheroomisstaringatme;alltheeyesintheroomarefixedonme.Ithashappened.

Iamcalm,butmyhandstartsshakingsoviolentlythatIhavetoputthecoffeecupdown.

'Everybody',Theodoresays,'comesbacktoParis.Always.'Heretiresbehindthebar.

Imakeagreateffortandlookatthetallgirl.Sheimmediatelyturnshereyesawayandstartstalkingaboutfood-differentwaysofcookingchicken.Thelittleonehangsoneveryword.

Herredhairisarrangedsocarefullyoverhertinyskull.Hervoiceishardandclear.Thosevoiceslikeuniforms-tinny,meaningless....Thosevoicesthattheybrandishlikeweapons.

Butwhatlanguage!Consideringthegeneralget-upwhatyoushouldhavesaidwas:'Qu'est-cequ'elleicheici?'Consideringthegeneralget-up,surelythat'swhatyoushouldhavesaid.Whatlanguage,whatlanguage!WhatwouldDebenham&Freebodysay,andwhatHarveyNichols?

Well,everybodyhashadagoodstareatmeandashort,disapprovingstareatthetwogirls,andeverybodystartseatingagain.

'Ah!quelleplaie,quelleplaie,lesAnglais,'astheoldgentlemanintheCrosdeCagnesbussaid.Butaplaguethatpays,mydear,aplaguethatpays.Andmerrily,merrily,lifegoeson....'Quelleplaie,quelleplaie,lesAnglais,'hesaid,sighingsodeeply.

ThewaitresspassesbymytableandIaskforthebill.

'Thereisstillsomecoffeeleft,madame.Willyouhavesomemore?'Shesmilesatme.Withoutwaitingformetoanswer,shepourswhatremainsinthepotintomycup.Sheissorryforme,sheistryingtobekind.

Mythroatshutsup,myeyessting.Thisisawful.NowIamgoingtocry.Thisistheworst....IfIdothatIshallreallyhavetowalkunderabuswhenIgetoutside.

ItrytodecidewhatcolourIshallhavemyhairdyed,andhangontothatthoughtasyouhangontosomethingwhenyouaredrowning.ShallIhaveitred?ShallIhaveitblack?Now,black-thatwouldbestartling.ShallIhaveitblondcendre?Butblondcendre,madame,isthemostdifficultofcolours.Itisvery,veryrarely,madame,thathaircanbesuccessfullydyedblondcendre.It'sevenharderonthehairthandyeingitplatinumblonde.Firstitmustbebleached,thatistosay,itsowncolourmustbetakenoutofit-andthenitmustbedyed,thatistosay,anothercolourmustbeimposedonit.(Educatedhair....Andthen,what?)

Ifinishthecoffee,paythebillandwalkout.Iwouldgiveallthat'sleftofmylifetobeabletoputoutmytongueandsay:'Onewordtoyou,'asIpassthatgirl'stable.Iwouldgivealltherestofmylifetobeableeventostarecoldlyather.Asitis,Ican'tspeaktoher,Ican'tevenlookather.Ijustwalkout.

Nevermind....Oneday,quitesuddenly,whenyou'renotexpectingit,I'lltakeahammerfromthefoldsofmydarkcloakandcrackyourlittleskulllikeaneggshell.Crackitwillgo,theeggshell;outtheywillstream,theblood,thebrains.Oneday,oneda....Onedaythefiercewolfthatwalksbymysidewillspringonyouandripyourabominablegutsout.Oneday,oneday....Now,now,gently,quietly,quietly....

Theodorecomesoutfrombehindthebarandopensthedoorforme.Hesmiles,hispig-eyestwinkle.Ican'tmakeoutwhetherhissmileismalicious(thatgoesforme,too)orapologetic(hemeantwell),oronlyprofessional.

Whatabouttheprogrammeforthisafternoon?That'sthething-tohaveaplanandsticktoit.Firstonethingandthenanother,andit'llallbeoverbeforeyouknowwhereyouare.

Butmylegsfeelweak.What,defeatedalready?Surelynot....No,notatall.ButIthinkI'llcrosstheroadandsitquietlyintheLuxembourgGardensforawhile.

Piecingittogether,arguingitout

Allthathappenedwasthis:Theodoreprobablysaidtothegirl:'Ithinkthere'sacompatriotofyoursoverthere,'andthegirlsaid:'Oh,myGod!'AndthenTheodoreprobablysaid:'Irememberher.Sheusedtocomehereagooddealsomeyearsago.Ah,thosewerethedays....'

Andthisandthat.Andthenthegirlsaid:'Qu'est-cequ'ellefoutici?'partlybecauseshedidn'tlikethelookofmeandpartlybecauseshewantedtoshowhowwellshespokeFrenchandpartlybecauseshethoughtthatTheodore'swasherownparticulardiscovery.(But,mydeargoodlady,Theodore'shasbeencrawlingwithkindlyAnglo-Saxonsforthelastfifteenyearstomycertainknowledge,andprobablymuchlongerthanthat.)Andthat'severythingthathappened,andwhygetinastateaboutit?....ButI'mnot,I'mnot.CanIhelpitifmyheartbeats,ifmyhandsgocold?

Iturnmychairroundwithitsbacktothepondwherethechildrensailtheirboats.NowIcanseenothingbuttheslender,straighttrunksoftrees.Theylookyoung,thesetrees.Thisisagentleplace-agentle,formalplace.Itisn'tsadhere,itisn'tevenmelancholy.

Theattendantcomesupandsellsmeaticket.Noweverythingislegal.Ifanyonesays:'Qu'est-cequ'elle

foutici?'Icanshowtheticket.Thisislegal....Ifeelsafe,clutchingit.IcanstayhereaslongasIlike,puttingtwoandtwotogether,quitecalmly,withnobodytointerferewithme

Lastnightandtoday-itmakesaprettygoodsentence.....Qu'est-cequ'ellefoutici,lavieille?Whatthedevil(translatingitpolitely)isshedoinghere,thatoldwoman?Whatisshedoinghere,thestranger,thealien,theoldone?....Iquiteagreetoo,quite.Ihaveseenthatinpeople'seyesallmylife.IamaskingmyselfallthetimewhatthedevilIamdoinghere.Allthetime.

Oldpeoplepassandshabbywomen,andeverynowandagainagay-lookingone,painted,inabigfurcoat.Amangoesby,struttinglikeacock,wheelingabigpram.Heisbuttonedverytightlyintoablackovercoat,hisscarfcarefullyarrangedunderabluechin.Thenanotherman,wholooksalmostexactlylikehim,playingwithalittlegirlwhocanonlyjustwalk.Heisshoutingather:'Youhaveadroponyournose.'Thelittlegirlrunsawayfromhimshriekingindelightedfright,andherunsafterher,takingsmall,fussysteps.TheydisappearintothetreesandIhearhimstillcallingout:'Comehere,youhaveadroponyournose,youhaveadroponyournose...."

It'sallright.I'mnotunhappy.ButIstartthinkingaboutthatkitten.

ThishappenedinLondon,andthekittenbelongedtothecoupleinthelatabove-aGermanhairdresserandhisEnglishwife.Thekittenhadaninferioritycomplexandpersecutionmaniaandnostalgiedelaboueandalltherest.Youcouldseeitinhereyes,herterribleeyes,thatknewherfate.Shewasverythin,scraggyandhunted,withthoseeyesthatknewherfate.Well,allthemalecatsintheneighbourhoodwereontoherlikeoneo'clock.Shegotasoreonherneck,andthesoreonherneckgotworse.

'Disgusting,'saidtheGermanhairdresser'sEnglishwife.

'Sheoughttobeputaway,thatcat.'Thenthekitten,feelingwhatwasinthewind,camedownintomyroom.Shecrouchedagainstthewall,staringatmewiththoseterribleeyesandwiththatbigsoreonthebackofherneck.Shewouldn'teat,shesnarledatcaresses.Shejustcrouchedinthecorneroftheroom,staringatme.AfterabitofthisIcouldn'tstanditanylongerandIshooedherout.Veryreluctantlyshewentatfirst,withthoseeyesstillstaringatme.Andthenlikeanarrowthroughthedooranddownthestairs.IthoughtaboutheralltherestofthatdayandintheeveningIsaid:'Ichasedthatunfortunatekittenoutofmyroom.I'mworriedabouther.Issheallright?''Oh,haven'tyouheard?'theysaid.'Shegotrunover.MrsGreinerwasgoingtotakehertothechemist'stobeputaway,andsheranrightoutintothestreet.'Rightoutintothestreetsheshotandamercifultaxiwentoverher....

Ilookatmyselfintheglassofmyhandbag.IsaidIwouldmeettheRussianatfouro'clockattheDome.Heisoneofthosepeoplewithbrightblueeyesandwhattheycallafirmtread.Heissuretobeanoptimist.

We'llsitintheDomeandtalkaboutsanityandnormalhumanintercourse.He'llsay:'No,no,notcruelty-justegotism.Theydon'tmeanit.'HewillexplainjustwhereI'mwrong,justwherethereasoninghastrippedup.Perhaps....

Therearehollowsundermyeyes.SittingontheterraceoftheDome,drinkingPernodsandtalkingaboutsanitywithenormoushollowsundermyeyes?

Ihearaclockstrikingandcountthestrokes.It'sfouro'clock.'No,thankyou,'Ithink,'I'mnotgoingwanderingintotheDomelookinglikethis-no,thankyou.'

AtonceIfeelagreatregret.Hemighthavesaidsomethingtocomfortme....

Iamemptyofeverything.Iamemptyofeverythingbutthethin,frailtrunksofthetreesandthethin,frailghostsinmyroom.'Latristessevautmieuxquelajoie.'

Intheglassjustnowmyeyeswerelikethatkitten'seyes.

Isitwithoutmoving,notunhappy.

Nowit'sgettingdark.Nowthegatesareshutting.(Qu'est-cequ'ellefoutici,lavieille?)

Getup,getup.Eat,drink,walk,march....Pourquoietes-voustriste?

TomorrowImustcertainlygoandhavemyhairdyed.IknowexactlythemanI'llgoto.HisnameisFelix,butI'mnotsureofthestreet.However,ifIgototheGaleriesLafayetteIcanfindmywayfromthere.

WhenyougointotheroomFelixisseatedatadesk.Hehascurlyhair,asensitiveface,verynicehands.Hewearsablackvelvetjacket.Thecompleteartist-Antoine'sonlyrival.Inthewindowofhisshopalargephotographwithaninscription:'ToMonsieurFelix,whohaskeptmyhairbeautifulforsolong-Adrienne.'There'snohopeofgettingFelixtoattendtome,ofcourse,butImayhaveagoodassistant.

It'sallright.TomorrowI'llbeprettyagain,tomorrowI'llbehappyagain,tomorrow,tomorrow....

Igetupintotheroom.Iboltthedoor.Iliedownonthebedwithmyfaceinthepillow.NowIcanrestbeforeIgooutagain.WhatdoIcareaboutanythingwhenIcanlieonthebedandpullthepastovermelikeablanket?Back,back,back....

....IhadjustcomeupthestairsandIhadtogodownthemagain.

'No,no,yourroom'snotready.Youmustcomeback,comeback.Comebackbetweeniveandsix.''Whattimeisitnow?''It'shalf-pastten.'

'Courage,courage,mapetitedame,'shesays.'Everythingwillgowell.'

Igodownthestairsagain,clutchingthebanisters,stepbystep.

Istopataxi.Themanlooksatmeandhesitates.PerhapsheisafraidImayhavemybabyinhisnicenewtaxi.Whatathingtohappen!

Nodangeratall,Iwanttosay.Hoursandhoursandhoursyet,shesays.

Igetbacktothehotelandclimbupstairstomyroom.Thisisahardthingtodo.Hasanybodyeverhadtodothisbefore?Ofcourse,lotsofpeople-poorpeople.Oh,Isee,ofcourse,poorpeople....Still,itisahardthingtodo,walkingaroundwhenyou'relikethis.Andhalfpastfiveisalongtimeof-centuriesoftime.WhenIclimbthestairsagainIamnotseeingsowell.

'Courage,mylittlelady.Yourroomisreadynow.'

Aroom,abedwhereIcanliedown.Nowtheworstissurelyover.Butthelongnight,theinterminablenight....

'Courage,courage,'shesays.'Allwillbewell.Allisgoingbeautifully.'

Thisisafunnyhouse.Therearepeoplehavingbabiesallovertheplace.Anyhow,atleasttwoarehavingbabies.

'Jesus,Jesus,'saysonewoman.'Mother,Mother,'saysanother.

Idonotspeak.HowlongisitbeforeIspeak?

'Chloroform,chloroform,'IsaywhenIspeak.OfcourseIwould.Whatnonsense!Thereisnodoctortogivechloroformhere.Thisisaplaceforpoorpeople.Besides,shedoesn'tapproveofchloroform.NoJesus,noMother,andnochloroformeither....

What,then?

This.

Always?

Yes,always.

Shecomesandwipesmyforehead.Shespeakstomeinalanguagethatisnolanguage.ButIunderstandit.

Back,back,back....Thishashappenedmanytimes.

Whatareyou?Iamaninstrument,somethingtobemadeuseof....

Shedartsfromoneroomtoanother,encouraging,soothing,reproaching.'Now,you'renottrying.Courage,courage.'Speakingherold,oldlanguageofwordsthatarenotwords.

Arumlife,whenyoucometothinkofit.I'dhatetoliveit.However,toheritisjustlife....

AfterwardsIcouldn'tsleep.Iwouldsleepforanhourortwo,andthenwakeupandthinkaboutmoney,money,moneyformyson;money,money....

DoIlovehim?Poorlittledevil,Idon'tknowifIlovehim.

Butthethoughtthattheywillcrushhimbecausewehavenomoney-thatistorture.

Money,moneyformyson,mybeautifulson....

Ican'tsleep.Mybreastsdryup,mymouthisdry.Ican'tsleep.Money,money....

'Why!'shesays.'Can'tyousleep?Thiswillneverdo,neverdo.'

SheprobablyknowswhyIcan'tsleep.Ibetsomeoftheothersherecan'teither.Worryingaboutthesamething.(Thisisnotachild;thisismychild.Money,money....)

'Well,whycan'tyousleep?'shesays.'Doeshecry,thisyoungman?'

'No,hehardlycriesatall.Isitabadsign,thathedoesn'tcry?'

'Whyno,notatall.Abeautiful,beautifulbaby....Butwhycan'tyousleep?'

Shehasslantingeyes,veryclear.Ilikepeoplewithclear,slantingeyes.IcanstillgivemyselfuptopeopleIlike.(Tellmewhattodo.Haveyouasolution?Tellmewhattodo.)

Shepatsmeontheshoulderandsays:'You'reworryingaboutnothingatall.Everythingwillcomerightforyou.I'llsendyouinatisancoforange-flowerwater,andtonightyoumustsleep,sleep....'

Ican'tfeedthisunfortunatebaby.HeistakenoutandgivenNestle'smilk.So,Icansleep....

Thenextdayshecomesinandsays:'NowIamgoingtoarrangethatyouwillbejustlikewhatyouwerebefore.Therewillbenotrace,nomark,nothing.'

That,itseems,ishersolution.

Sheswathesmeupinverytight,veryuncomfortablebandages.Intricatelysherollsthemandtiesthem.Shegivesmetounderstandthatthisisusuallyanextra.Shechargesagreatdealforthisasarule.

'IdothisbetterthananyoneinthewholeofParis,'shesays.'Betterthananydoctor,betterthananyofthesepeoplewhoadvertise,betterthananyoneinthewholeofParis.'

AndthereIlieinthesedamnedbandagesforaweek.Andtherehelies,swatheduptoo,likealittlemummy.Andnevercrying.

ButnowIliketakinghiminmyarmsandlookingathim.Alovelyforehead,incrediblywhite,theeyebrowsdrawnveryfaintlyingolddust....

Well,thiswasafunnytime.(Thebigbowlofcoffeeinthemorningwithapatternofredandbluelowers.Iwasalwayssothirsty.)Butuneasy,uneasy....Oughtababytobeasprettyasthis,aspaleasthis,assilentasthis?Theotherbabiesyellfrommorningtonight.Uneasy....

WhenIcomplainaboutthebandagesshesays:'Ipromiseyouthatwhenyoutakethemofyou'llbejustasyouwerebefore.'Anditistrue.Whenshetakesthemofthereisnotoneline,notonewinkle,notonecrease.

AndfiveweeksafterwardsthereIam,withnotoneline,notonewrinkle,notonecrease.

Andthereheis,lyingwithatickettiedroundhiswistbecausehediedinahospital.AndthereIamlookingdownathim,withoutoneline,withoutonewrinkle,withoutonecrease....

Thehair-dresseralsoendsbycallingme'Mapetitedame'.

Hereflectsforsometimeaboutmyhair,feelsitbetweenhisfingers.Then:'Inyourplace,madame,Ishouldn'thesitate.Butnotforamoment.Aniceblondcendre,'hesays.

Thatwasjusttherightwaytoputit.'IfIwereinyourplace,madame,Ishouldn'thesitate.'

Hetouchesmyhairgently.Thesmellofsoap,scent,hairlotion,thesoundofthedryerinthenextcubicle,hisfingerstouchingmyhair-Icouldgotosleep.

'Verywell,'Isayinasulkyvoice.(Atitagain,dearie,atitagain!)

OfcourseIcan'tlookonatthisoperation.Ireadmagazines-Feminas,Illustrations,Eves.ThenIstartinontheHairdresser,theArtofHairdressing,theHairdresser'sWeeklyandacuriousjournal,withalargesectioncalled'theHive'-answerstocorrespondents.

'PierretteClairdelaLune-No,mademoiselle,yourletterisnonsensical.Youwillnevergetthinthatway-never.Lifeisnotsoeasy.Life,mademoiselle,isdifficult.Atyourageitwillbeverydifficulttogetthin.But....

'PetiteMaman-No,PetiteMaman,youarenotreasonable.Loveisonething;marriage-alas!-isquiteanother.Ifyouhaven'tfoundthatoutyetyousoonwill,Iassureyou.Nevertheless....'

No,mademoiselle,no,madame,lifeisnoteasy.Donotdeludeyourselves.Nothingiseasy.Butthereishope(turntopage5),andyetmorehope(turntopage9)....

Iaminthemiddleofalongarticlebyaladywhohashadherbreastsliftedwhenhetakesthedryerofmyhead.

'Voila,'hesays....

'Yes,'hesays,'averygoodblondcendre.Asuccess.'

Ihadexpectedtothinkaboutthisdamnedhairofminewithoutanylet-upfordays.(Isitallright?Isitnotallright?)ButbeforethetaxihasgotbacktoMontparnasseIhaveforgottenallaboutit.

Idon'twanttoeat.IdecidetogointotheLuxembourgGardensandsitthereasIdidyesterday.It'scurioushowpeacefulIfeel-asifIwerepossessedbysomething.Notthatway-thisway.Notupthatstreet-thisstreet.Justdance,andleavethemusictome....Likethat.

TherearesomefishinthepooloftheMedicisfountain.Threeareredandonegold.ThefourfishlooksoforlornthatIwonderwhethertheyarejuststartingthem,orwhethertheyhavehadalot,andtheyhavediedoff.

Istandforalongtime,watchingthefish.Andseveralpeoplewhopassstopandalsowatchthem.Westandinarow,watchingthefish.

Imustgoandbuyahatthisafternoon,Ithink,andtomorrowadress.Imustgetonwiththetransformationact.ButthereIsit,watchingthesameprocessionofshabbywomenwheelingprams,ofmentightlybuttonedupintoblackovercoats.

Oneofthefiguresdetachesitselffromtheprocessionandcomestowardsme.ItisonlywhenheisclosetomeandputshishandoutthatIrecognizehim.TheyoungerRussian,themelancholyone.

Healsoistightlybuttonedintoablackovercoat.Hisscarfiscarefullytied.Heiswearingablackfelthat.Justlikeallthefathersattendingtheprams.Verycorrect,veryrespectable.Hebowsandshakeshands.

'Youallowme?'Hebringsachaircloseuptomine.

'Youdidn'tgotomeetmyfriendyesterdayafternoon,'hesays.'No,I'msorry,butIwasn'tfeelingwell.''Hewasangry.Hethoughtitwasn'tatallniceofyou.Hesaid-'Hestartstolaugh.'Well,whatdidhesay?''Oh,hewasinabadtemper.Hehadanannoyingletterthismorning.''Iwasvexedwithmyself,'Isay,'butIcouldn'tgo.'

Hesays,nottakinghiseyesfrommine:'WhenImakeanappointmentIalwayskeepit,eventhoughIthinktheotherpersonwon'tbethere.''Doyou?That'snotmyideaofaRussianatall.''Oh,Russians,Russians-whydoyouthinktheyaresodifferentfromotherpeople?'

HecomesfromtheUkraine,hetellsme,andit'sveryhotthere,andverycoldinthewinter.ButagainheslidesawayfromthesubjectofRussiaandeverythingRussian,thoughinotherwaysheiscommunicativeabouthimself.HeisanaturalizedFrenchmanandhehasdonehismilitaryserviceinFrance.HesayshisnameisNicolasDelmar,whichdoesn'tsoundveryRussiantome.Anyway,that'swhathecallshimself,andhewritesitonabitofLeJournal,withhisaddress,andgivesittome.HelivesinMontrouge.Hehassomefemalerelative-sister,mother,aunt,Ican'tmakeout-whoisill,whichmakeshimverysad.

'ButIcanforgetit,'hesays.'EverydayIcomeuptotheQuartierLatin,orIwalkintheLuxembourgGardens,Icanforgetit.'

HespeaksFrenchslowlyandponderously.Thisgivesmeconfidence.Ofwegointoafullblastofphilosophicaldiscussion.

Hesays:'Forme,yousee,Ilookatlifelikethis:IfsomeonehadcometomeandaskedmeifIwishedtobebornIthinkIshouldhaveansweredNo.I'msureIshouldhaveansweredNo.Butnooneaskedme.Iamherenotthroughmywill.Mostthingsthathappentome-theyarenotmywilleither.Andsothat'swhatIsaytomyselfallthetime:"Youdidn'tasktobeborn,youdidn'tmaketheworldasitis,youdidn'tmakeyourselfasyouare.Whytormentyourself?Whynottakelifejustasitcomes?Youhavetherightto;youarenotoneoftheguiltyones.Whenyouaren'trichorstrongorpowerful,youarenotaguiltyone.Andyouhavetherighttotakelifejustasitcomesandtobeashappyasyoucan.'

WhileheistalkingIhaveastrangeideathatperhapsitislikethat....Nowthen,you,X-youmustgodownandbeborn.Oh,notme,please,notme.Wellthen,you,Y,yougoalongandbeborn-somebody'sgottobe.Where'sY?Yishiding.Well,comeonZ,you'vegottogoandbeborn.Comeon,hurryup,hurryup....There'soneeveryminute.Orisiteverysecond?

'Butdon'tyoueverwishtoberichorstrongorpowerful?'

'Nolonger,'hesays,'nolonger.IprefertobeasIam.Asthingsarenow,Iwouldn'twishtoberichor

strongorpowerful.Iwouldn'twishtobeoneoftheguiltyones.IknowIamnotguilty,soIhavetherighttobejustashappyasIcanmakemyself.'

Wegooninthisstrainforsometime.Iwonderwhatonearthhedoes,whatheis.Helookslikeapersonwhoislivingonaverysmallfixedincome.AsIamthinkingthishetellsmethathelovesthispartofParis,theQuartierLatin,becausehelovesyouth.Ilookveryhardathimwhenhesaysthis.Buthejustmeansthathelovesyouth.

'Yes,'Isay.'Iloveyouthtoo.Whodoesn't?Andthisisjusttheplace,fullofprams,babiesandsoforth.'

'IveryseldomgotoMontmartre,'hesays.'Iveryseldomgoanywhereelse.ThisisthepartofParisthatIlike-theQuartierLatinandMontparnasse.'

'Sidebysideandoh,sodifferent.'

'Haveyouevernoticed,'hesays,'thatwhenyougofromonepatofParistoanother,it'sjustlikegoingfromonetowntoanother-evenfromonecountrytoanother?

Thepeoplearedifferent,theatmosphereisdifferent,eventhewomendressdifferently.'

Idon'tknowwhyIdon'tquitelikehim.Thisgentle,resignedmelancholy-itseemsunnaturalinamanwhocan'tbemuchoverthirty,ifsomuchasthat.Orperhapsitisbecauseheseemsmoretheechoofathingthanthethingitself.OnemomentIfeelthis,andanotherIlikehimverymuch,asifhewerethebrotherIneverhad.

Isay:'MontparnasseisverychangedsinceIknewitfirst,Icantellyou.Thatwasjustafterthewar,'Isayrecklessly.(Asyouloveyouthsomuch,that'llgiveyousomethingtothinkabout.)

'Youcameherejustafterthewar?'

'Yes,andIlivedhereuptofiveyearsago.ThenIwentbacktoEngland.'

'Yes,itmustbeverychanged,verychanged,'hesays,pursinghislipsandnoddinghishead.

'Oh,terrible,'Isay.'ButIdon'tbelievethingschangemuchreally;youonlythinktheydo.Itseemstomethatthingsrepeatthemselvesoverandoveragain.'

Hesays:'Ithinkyouaregettingcold,madame.Youareshivering.Wouldyouliketogotoapatisserieandhaveacupofchocolate?Thereisaniceonenearhere.'

Isay:'I'dmuchrathergotoacafeandhaveadrink.'

Ihaveanideathathedisapprovesofthis,buthesays:'Yes,certainly.Let'sgo.'

Imakenomistakethistime.Wegototheneutralcafe.

Whenweareinacornerwithacoffeeandfineeachhesays:'DoyouknowwhatIfeelaboutyou?Ithinkyouareverylonely.Iknow,becauseforalongtimeIwaslonelymyself.Ihatedpeople,Ididn'twanttoseeanyone.AndthenonedayIthought:"No,thisisn'ttheway."AndnowIgoaboutalot.I

forcemyselfto.Ihavealotoffriends;I'mneveralone.NowI'mmuchhappier.'

Thatsoundsprettysimple.ImusttryitwhenIgetbacktoLondon....

Isay:'Ilikedyourfriendtheothernight.'

'Ah,yes,'hesays,shakinghishead.'Buthewasvexed,andhe'shadbadnews....(Theoptimisthasn'tanymoreuseforme,Icanseethat.)'ButIhavemanyfriends.I'llintroduceyoutoallofthemifyouwish.Willyouallowme?Thenyouwillneverbealoneandyou'llbemuchhappier,you'llsee.'

'Butdoyouthinkthey'dlikeme,yourfriends?'

'Butcertainly.Absolutelyyes.'

Thisyoungmanisverycomforting-almostascomfortingasthehairdresser.

'Willyoucomealongnowandseeafriendofmine?He'sapainter.Ithinkheisamanyou'dlike.He'salwaysgayandheknowshowtotalktoeverybody....Yes,Sergeunderstandseverybody-it'sextraordinary.'(And,whetherprinceorprostitute,healwaysdidhisbest....)'Maisaufond,voussavez,ils'enfichedetout,ils'enichedetoutlemonde.'

Hesoundsfine.

'Yes,I'dliketo,'Isay.'ButIcan'tthisafternoon.Ihavetogoandbuyahat.'

'Well,wouldyouliketocometomorrow?'hesays,andwearrangetomeetatfouro'clockthenextday.

ThereusedtobeagoodhatshopintheRueVavin.Itdoesn'texistanylonger.Iwanderaimlesslyalongalotofbackstreetswheretherearen'tanyhatshopsatall.Andthenastreetthatisalivewiththem-Virginie,Josette,Claudine....Ilookatthewindowofthefirstshop.Thereisacustomerinside.Herhair,half-dyed,half-grey,isverydishevelled.AsIwatchsheputsonahat,makesafaceatherselfintheglass,andtakesitofveryquickly.Shetiesanother-thenanother.Herexpressionisterrible-hungry,despairing,hopeful,quitecrazy.Atanymomentyouexpecthertostartlaughingthelaughofthemad.

Istandoutside,watching.Ican'tmove.Hatafterhatsheputson,makesthatfaceatherselfintheglassandthrowsitofagain.Watchingher,amIwatchingmyselfasIshallbecome?Infiveyears'time,insixyears'time,shallIbelikethat?

Butsheisbetterthantheotherone,thesmug,white,fat,black-hairedonewhoisofferingthehatswithacalm,mockingexpression.Youcanalmostseehertonguerollingroundandroundinsidehercheek.It'slikewatchingthedevilwithadamnedsoul.IfImustendlikeoneortheother,mayIendlikethehag.

IrealizethatIcan'tstaygapinginonthemanylongerandmoveof,verymuchshaken.ThenIremembertheRussiansaying:'Ididn'tasktobeborn;Ididn'tmaketheworldasitis;Ididn'tmakemyselfasIam;Iamnotoneoftheguiltyones.AndsoIhavearightto....'Etcetera.

Thereareatleasttenmilliners'shopsinthisstreet.Idecidetogointothelastbutoneontheleft-handsideandhopetostrikelucky.

Thegirlintheshopsays:'Thehatsnowareverydifficult,verydifficult.Allmyclientssaythatthehatsnowareverydifficulttowear.'

Thisisamuchlargershopthantheotherone.Thereisacruel,crudelightoverthetwomirrorsandbehindalongroomstretchingintodimness.

Shedisappearsintothedimnessandcomesbackwithhatafterhat,hatafterhat,murmuring:'Allmyclientsarecomplainingthatthehatsnowareverydifficulttowear,butIthink-Iamsure-Ishallmanagetosuityou.'

IntheglassitseemstomethatIhavethesamedementedexpressionasthewomanupthestreet.

'MyGod,notthatone.'

Istaresuspiciouslyatherintheglass.Isshelaughingatme?No,Ithinknot.Ithinkshehastheexpressionofsomeonewhoseprideisengaged.SheisdeterminedthatbeforeIgooutoftheshopIshalladmitthatshecanmakehats.AssoonasIseethisexpressioninhereyesIdecidetotrusther.Itoobecomequitecalm.

'Youknow,I'mbewildered.PleasetellmewhichoneIoughttohave.'

'ThefirstoneIshowedyou,'shesaysatonce.

'Oh,myGod,notthatone.'

'Orperhapsthethirdone.'

WhenIputonthethirdoneshesays:'Idon'twanttoinsist,butyes-thatisyourhat.'

Ilookatitdoubtfullyandshewatchesme-notmockingly,butanxiously.

Shesays:'Walkupanddowntheroominit.Seewhetheryoufeelhappyinit.Seewhetheryou'llgetaccustomedtoit.'

Thereisnooneelseintheshop.Itisquitedarkoutside.Wearealone,celebratingthisextraordinaryritual.

Shesays:'Iveryseldominsist,butIamsurethatwhenyouhavegotaccustomedtothathatyouwon'tregretit.Youwillrealizethatit'syourhat.'

Ihavemadeupmymindtotrustthisgirl,andImusttrusther.

'Idon'tlikeitmuch,butitseemstobetheonlyone,'Isayinasurlyvoice.

Ihavebeennearlytwohoursintheshop,buthereyesarestillquitefriendly.

Ipayforthehat.Iputiton.Ihaveagreatdesiretoaskhertocomeanddinewithme,butIdaren'tdoit.Allmyspontaneityhasgone.(DidIeverhaveany?Yes,IthinksometimesIhad-inlashes.Anyway,it'sgonenow.IfIaskedhertodinewithme,itwouldonlybeafailure.)

Sheadjuststhehatverycarefully.'Remember,itmustbewornforwardandverymuchononeside.Commeca.'

Sheseesmeout,stillsmiling.Astrangeclient,l'etrangere....Thelastthingshesaysis:'Allthehatsnowareverydifficult.Allmyclientsarecomplaining.'

Ifeelsanerandhappierafterthis.Igotoarestaurantnearbyandeatalargemeal,atthesametimecarefullywatchingtheeffectofthehatontheotherpeopleintheroom,commeca.Nobodystaresatme,whichIthinkisagoodsign.

Amansittingnearbyasksifhemaylookatmyeveningpaper,ashewantstogotothecinematonight.Thenhetiestostartaconversationwithme.Ithink:"That'sallright....'

WhenIgooutintothePlacedel'OdeonIamfeelinghappy,whatwithmynewhairandmynewhatandthegoodmealandthewineandthefineandthecoffeeandthesmellofnightinParis.I'mnotgoingtoanybeastlylittlebartonight.No,tonightI'mgoingsomewherewherethere'smusic;somewherewhereIcanbewithalotofpeople;somewherewherethere'sdancing.Butwhere?Bymyself,wherecanIgo?I'llhaveonemoredrinkfirstandthenthinkitout

NottheDome.I'llavoidthedamnedDome.And,ofcourse,it'stheDomeIgoto.

Theterraceiscrowded,buttherearenotmanypeopleinside.WhatonearthhaveIcomeinherefor?Ihavealwaysdislikedtheplace,exceptrightatthestart,whentheplushwasn'tsoresplendentandeverybodyspatonthefloor.Itwasrathernicethen.

Ipayformydrinkandgoout.Iamwaitingtocrossthestreet.Someonesays:'Excuseme,butcanIspeaktoyou?IthinkyouspeakEnglish.'

Idon'tanswer.Wecrosssidebyside.

Hesays:'Pleaseallowmetospeaktoyou.Iwishtosomuch.'

HespeaksEnglishwithaveryslightaccent.Ican'tplaceit.Ilookathimandrecognizehim.HewassittingatatableinthecorneroppositetomineattheDome.

'Please.Couldn'twegotoacafeandtalk?'

'Ofcourse,'Isay.'Whynot?'

'Well,whereshallwego?'hesaysinafussyvoice.'Yousee,Idon'tknowPariswell.Ionlyarrivedlastnight.'

'Oh?'Isay.

Aswewalkalong,Ilooksidewaysathimandcan'tmakehimout.Heisn'ttryingtosizemeup,astheyusuallydo-heisexhibitinghimself,hisownperson.Heisverygood-looking,InoticedthatintheDome.Butthenervousness,theslightlyaffectedlaugh....

Ofcourse.I'vegotit.OhLord,isthatwhatIlooklike?DoIreallylooklikeawealthydametrotting

roundMontparnasseinthehopeof-AfterallthetroubleI'vegoneto,isthatwhatIlooklike?IsupposeIdo.

ShallItellhimtogotohell?Butafterall,Ithink,thisiswhereImightbeabletogetsomeofmyownback.Youtalktothem,youpretendtosympathize;then,justatthemomentwhentheyarenotexpectingit,yousay:'Gotohell.'

WearepassingtheCloseriedesLilas.Hesays:'Thislooksanicecafe.Couldn'twegoinhere?'

'Allright.Butit'sveryfull.Let'ssitontheterrace.'

Theterraceiscoldanddarkandthereisnotanothersoulthere.

'Whataboutadrink?'

'You'llhavetogetholdofthewaiter.Hewon'tcomeouthere.'

'I'llgethim.'

Hegoesintothecafeandcomesbackwiththewaiterandtwobrandies.

Hesays:'Haveyoueverfeltlikethis-asifyoucan'tbearanymore,asifyoumustspeaktosomeone,asifyoumusttellsomeoneeverythingorotherwiseyou'lldie'

'Icanimagineit.'

Heisnotlookingatme-hehasn'tlookedatmeonce.Heislookingstraightahead,gatheringhimselfupforsomeeffort.Heisgoingtosayhispiece.Ihavedonethissooftenmyselfthatitisamusingtowatchsomebodyelsedoingit.

'Butwhydoyouwanttotalktome?'

Heisgoingtosay:'Becauseyoulooksokind,'or'Becauseyoulooksobeautifulandkind,'or,subtly,'Becauseyoulookasifyou'llunderstand....

Hesays:'BecauseIthinkyouwon'tbetrayme.'

Ihadmeanttogetthismantotalktomeandtellmeallaboutit,andthenbesodevastatinglyEnglishthatperhapsIshouldmanagetohurthimalittleinreturnforallthemanytimesI'vebeenhurt....'BecauseIthinkyouwon'tbetrayme,becauseIthinkyouwon'tbetrayme....'

Nowitwon'tbesoeasy.

'OfcourseIwon'tbetrayyou.WhyshouldIbetrayyou?'

'No,'hesays.'Why?'

Hethrowsbackhisheadandlaughs.That'sthegestureforshowingoftheteeth.Also,Isupposeheislaughingattheideaofmybeingabletobetrayhim.

'Verynice,veryniceindeed.Beautifulteeth,'Isayinaninsolentvoice.

'Yes,Iknow,'heanswerssimply.

ButIhavejarredhimabit.Hefinisheshisdrinkandstartsagain.

'IamwhattheycallinFrenchamauvaisgarcon.'

'ButIlikethem.Ilikelesmauvaisgarcons.'

Forthefirsttimehelooksstraightatme.Hedoesn'tlookawayagain,butgoesoninthesamenervousvoice:'Igotintobadtroubleathome.Iranaway.'

'IamaCanadian,aFrench-Canadian,'hesays.

'French-Canadian?Isee.'

'Shallwehaveanotherdrink?'

Againhehastogoinsidethecafetofetchthewaiterandthedrinks.Nowit'screepingintome,thebrandy,creepingintomyarms,mylegs,makingmefeelhazy.

Ilistentohisstory,whichisthathejoinedtheForeignLegion,wasinMoroccoforthreeyears,founditimpossibletobearanylonger,andescapedthroughSpain-FrancoSpain.JustescapedfromtheForeignLegion....LaLegion,LaLegionEtrangere....

'Ihadenormousluck,orIcouldn'thavedoneit.IgottoParislastnight.I'matahotelneartheGared'Orsay.'

'Isitasbadastheysay,theLegion?'

'Oh,theytellalotofliesaboutit.ButI'dhadenough....Youdon'tbelieveme,doyou?Youdon'tbelieveanythingI'mtellingyou.Butit'salwayswhenathingsoundsnottruethatitistrue,'hesays.

Ofcourse.Iknowthat....Youimaginethecarefully-pruned,shapedthingthatispresentedtoyouistruth.Thatisjustwhatitisn't.Thetruthisimprobable,thetruthisfantastic;it'sinwhatyouthinkisadistortingmirrorthatyouseethetruth.

'I'lltellyouonethingIdon'tbelieve.Idon'tbelieveyou'reaFrench-Canadian.'

'ThenwhatdoyouthinkIam?'

'SpanishSpanish-American?'

Heblinksandsaystohimself:'Ellen'estpassibetequeca.'Well,thatmightmeananything.

'It'sawfullycoldhere,'Isay,'toocoldtostayanylonger.'

'No,please.Pleasedon'tgo,youmustn'tgo.Or,ifyouwish,let'sgosomewhereelse.ButImusttalkto

you.'

HisvoiceissourgentthatIbegintofeelexasperated.

'But,mydearfriend,Idon'tknowwhatyouthinkIcando.Peoplewhoareintroublewantsomeonewithmoneytohelpthem.Isn'titso?Well,Ihaven'tgotanymoney.'

Thecornersofhismouthgodown.Theyallsaythat.

Iwanttoshoutathim'Ihaven'tgotanymoney,Itellyou.Iknowwhatyou'rejudgingby.You'rejudgingbymycoat.Yououghtn'ttojudgebymycoat.YououghttojudgebywhatIhaveonundermycoat,bymyhandbag,bymyexpression,byanythingyoulike.Notbythisdamnedcoat,whichwasapresent-andtheonlyreasonIhaven'tsolditlongagoisbecauseIdon'twanttooffendthepersonwhogaveittome,andbecauseifyouknewwhatyoureallygetwhenyoutrytosellthingsitwouldgiveyouashock,andbecause-'

Well,thereyouare-nousearguing.IcanseehehasitfirmlyfixedinhisheadthatI'marichbitchandthatifhegoesonlongenoughIcanbepersuadedtopart.

'Butitisn'tmoneyIwant,'hesays.'Reallyitisn'tmoney.WhatIhopedwasthatwecouldgosomewherewherewecouldbequitealone.Iwanttoputmyheadonyourbreastandputmyarmsroundyouandtellyoueverything.Youknow,it'sstrange,butthat'showIfeeltonight.Icoulddieforthat-awomanwhowouldputherarmsroundmeandtowhomIcouldtelleverything.

Couldn'twegosomewherelikethat?'

'No,wecan't,'Isay.'Impossible.'

'Well,'hesays,acceptingthiscalmly,'ifyouwon'tdothat,Ithoughtperhapsyoucouldhelpmeaboutmypapers.Yousee,Ihavenopapers,nopassport.That'sjustwhyI'mintrouble.TheslightestaccidentandI'mfinished.Ihavenopapers.ButifIcouldgetapassport,IwouldgotoLondon.I'dbesafethere.Icouldgetintouchwithfiends.'

Isay:'AndyouthinkIcanhelpyoutogetapassport?I?Me?ButwhodoyouthinkIam?Thismustbeoneofmygoodnights.'

AtthismomentIfindeverythingsofunnythatIstartlaughingloudly.Helaughstoo.

'Ican'tstayonthisdamnedterraceanylonger.It'stoocold.'

Herapsonthewindowand,whenthewaitercomes,paysforthedrinks.'Now,whereshallwego?'Heputshisarmthroughmineandsays,inFrench:'Now,where?'

Well,whatharmcanhedotome?HeisoutformoneyandIhaven'tgotany,Iaminvulnerable.

Thereweare,arminarm,outsidetheCloseriedesLilasandwhenIthinkofmylifeitseemstomesocomicalthatIhavetolaugh.Ithastakenmealongtimetoseehowcomicalithasbeen,butIseeitnow,Ido.

'Youmusttellmewheretogo,'hesays,'becauseIdon'tknowParis.'

ItakehimtothecafewhereIgomostnights-theplacethatisalwaysempty.ThisisthefirsttimethatIhaveseenhiminabrightlight,closeby.Itisalsothefirsttimethat,ontheseoccasions,Ihaven'tcaredintheleastwhatthemanthinksofme,andamonlycurioustoseewhathelookslike.

Hedoesn'tlooklikeagigolo-notmyideaofagigoloatall.Forinstance,hishairisratheruntidy.But,nicehair.

Anotherbrandyandsoda.Isupposeallthismoneythatheisspendingonmeisthesprattocatchawhale.

Thewaiter,givinghimchange,bringsoutofhispocketthemostextraordinarycollectionofsmallmoney.Piecesoftwentyfivecentimes,often,offive-thetableiscoveredwiththem.Whenhehasslowlycollecteditalloncemore,hegoesintothecorneroftheroom,takesofhisshoesandstartscleaningthem.

Isay:'Thisismysortofplace-thischic,gayplace.Doyoulikeit?'

'No,Idon'tlikeit,butIunderstandwhyyoucomehere.I'mnotalwayssofondofhumanbeings,either.'

Well,here'sanotherwhoisn'tasstupidasallthat.

Hesays:'Youknow,thatwaiter-hewasquitesurewelovedeachotherandweregoingtobeveryhappytonight.Hewasenvyingus.'

'Yes,Iexpecthe'llstayawakeallnightthinkingofit.Likehellhewill.'

Helooksdisconsolate,tired;asifhewerethinking:'Nogood.Everything'sgottobestartedalloveragain.'Poorgigolo!

Isay:'Aboutyourpapers-therearepeopleherewhosellfalsepassports.Itcanbedone.'

'Iknow.I'mintouchwithsomebodyalready.'

'What,andyouonlygotherelastnight!Youhaven'twastedmuchtime.'

'No,andI'dbetternot,either.'

Heisinsomesortoftrouble.Iknowthatlook.Iwantverymuchtocomforthim-tosaysomethingtocheerhimup.

'Ilikelesmauvaisgarcons,'Isay.Hesmiles.'Iknowexactlywhatyouwant,'Isay.'Youwantsomebodyveryrichandverychic.'

'Yes,'hesays,'yes,that'swhatwouldjustsuitme.Andbeautiful.'

'But,mydear,you'renotgoingtofindthatattheDome.'

'WhereshallIgo,then?WhereshallIfindallthat?'

'RitzBar,'Isayvaguely.

AfterthisIstartmypiece.Itellhimmyname,myaddress,everything.HesayshisnameisRene,andleavesitatthat.IsayIamsickofmyhotelandwanttoleaveitandfindalatorastudio.

Heisonthealertatonce.'Astudio?IthinkIcouldgetyouexactlytheplaceyouwant.'

Iamnotsodrunkasallthat.

'Ithoughtyousaidyou'djustescapedfromtheForeignLegionandonlygottoParislastnightandweregoingawayagainassoonasyoucould.'

'Whyshouldthatpreventmefromtryingtogetyouastudioifyouwantone?'

(Letitpass,dearie,letitpass.What'sitmatter?)

'CanItakeyoubacktoyourhotel?'

'Yes,butit'stoofartowalk.Iwantataxi.'

Wesitinthetaxiinsilence.Atthecornerofthestreetwegetout.Ilethimpay.(Somuchtheworseforyou.Thatwillteachyoutosizeupyourtypesabitbetter.)

'Let'shaveonemoredrink,'hesays.

Wewalkupthestreet,tryingtofindaplacethatisopen.Everythingseemstobeshut;itispasttwelve.WegoalongtheRueStJacqueshandinhand.Iamnolongerself-conscious.Handinhandwewalkalong,swingingourarms.Suddenlyhestops,pullsmeunderalamppostandstaresatme.Thestreetisempty,thelightsinthebarsareout.

'Hey,isn'titabitlateinthedaytodothis?'

Hesays:'Maisc'estcompletementfou.It'shallucinating.Walkingalongherewithyou,IhavethefeelingthatI'mwitha-'

'Withabeautifulyounggirl?'

'No,'hesays.'Withachild.'

NowIhavehadenoughtodink,nowthemomentoftearsisverynear.Isay:'Well,nothing'sopen.Everything'sshut.I'mgoinghome.'

Helooksupatthedoorofmyhotel.

'CanIcomeuptoyourroom?'

'No,youcan't.'

'Well,canIcomebackinalittlewhileandgetaroomheremyselfandthencometoseeyou?'

(Thepatronnesaying:'L'Anglaisehaspickedupsomeone.Haveyouseen?')

'No,don'tcomehere.Ishallbeawfullyvexedifyoucomehere.Pleasedon't.'

'OfcourseIwon'tifyouaskmenotto,'hesays.Tactful.'Whataboutthehotelnextdoor?PerhapsIcouldgetaroomthere.'

PARTTWO

Allthesame,atthreeo'clockIamdressingtomeettheRussian.

Heiswaiting.HesayshisfiendSergeisexpectingus.'Lepeintre,'hecallshim.

Isuggesttakingataxibutheseemshorrifiedattheidea.

'No,no.We'llgobybus.It'squitenear.It'sonlyafewminutesaway.''Couldn'twewalk,then?''Ohyes,wecouldwalk.It'sjustoftheAvenued'Orleans,aboutfiveminutes'walk.''It'smorethanfiveminutes,'Iargue.'It'smorelikehalfanhour.'

Soonnowitwillbewinter.TherearehardlyanyleavesonthetreesandthemanoutsidetheLuxembourgGardensissellingroastchestnuts.

Westandattheendofalongqueue.Nobus.

'Dolet'stakeataxi.''Verywell.Ifyoulike,'hesaysunwillingly.'Butthemanwillbeveryvexedathavingtogosuchashortdistance.-PlaceDenfet-Rochereau,theMetro,'hesaystothedriver.-'Itwon'tbefartowalkfromthere.''Butcouldn'twegostraighttotheplacewhereyourfriendlives?''No,Idon'tknowthenameofthestreet.''Youdon'tknowthenameofthestreet?''No,I'venevernoticedit.'

WhenIseehowanxiouslyheiswatchingthemeterIamsorryIinsistedontakingthetaxi.Allthesame,IshouldhavedroppeddeadifIhadtriedtowalkthisdistance.

'Doletmepay,becauseitwasIwhoinsisted.'

Buthehasgotthemoneyinhishandalreadyandiscountingitout.

Hetakesmyarmandwewalkalong.'It'sjustaminute,it'sjustaminute,'hekeepssaying.

WalkingtothemusicofL'Arlesienne,rememberingthecoatIworethen-ablackandwhitecheckwithbigpockets.WehavejustpassedthehotelIlivedin.Thatwasthehighspot-whenIhadnothingtoeatforthreeweeks,exceptcoffeeandacroissantinthemorning.

Isleptmostofthetime.Probablythatwaswhyitwassoeasy.IfIhadhadtogoaboutalotImighthavefeltworse.IgotsothatIcouldsleepfifteenhoursoutofthetwentyfour.

TwiceIsaidIwasill,andtheysentmeupsoupwithmeatinitfromdownstairs,andIcouldgetanoccasionalbottleofwineontickfromtheshoproundthecorner.Itwasn'tstarvationatallwhenyou

cometothinkofit.Still,I'mnotsayingthatthereweren'tsomecuriousmoments.

AfterthefirstweekImadeupmymindtokillmyself-theusualwhiffofchloroform.Nextweek,ornextmonth,ornextyearI'llkillmyself.ButImightaswelllastoutmymonth'srent,whichhasbeenpaidup,andmycreditforbreakfastsinthemorning.

'Mychild,don'thurry.Youhaveeternityinfrontofyou.'Sheusedtosaythatsarcastically,SisterMarie-Augustine,becauseIwassoslow.Butthephrasestayedwithme.Ihaveeternityinfrontofme.SoonI'llbeabletodoit,butthere'snohurry.Eternityisinfrontofme....

Usually,intheintervalbetweenmyafternoonsleepandmynightsleepIwentforawalk,turneduptheBoulevardArago,walkedtoacertainspotandturnedback.AndoneeveningIwaswalkingalongwithmyhandsinthepocketsofmycoatandmyheaddown.ThiswasthetimewhenIgotinthehabitofwalkingwithmyheaddown....Iwaswalkingalonginadream,ahaze,whenamancameupandspoketome.

Thisisunhoped-for.It'salsoquiteunwanted.WhatIreallywanttodoistogoformyusualwalk,getabottleofwineontickandgobacktothehoteltosleep.However,ithashappened,andthereyouare.Lifeiscuriouswhenitisreducedtoitsessentials.

Well,wegointotheCafeBuffalo.WillIhavealittleaperitif?Icertainlywill.TwoPernodsarrive.

Istartthinkingaboutfood.Choucroute,forinstance-yououghttobeabletogetchoucroutegarniehere.Lovelysausage,lovelypotato,lovely,lovelycabbage....Mymouthstartswateringviolently.IdrinkhalftheglassofPernodinordertoswallowconvenablement.AndthenIfeellikeagoddess.Itmighthavemademesick,butithasdonetheotherthing

TheorchestrawasplayingL'Arlesienne,Iremembersowell.I'vejustgottohearthatmusicnow,anytime,andI'mbackintheCafeBufalo,sittingbythatman.Andthemusicgoingheavily.Andhe'stalkingawayaboutafriendwhoissorichthathehashisphotographonthebandsofhiscigars.Amadconversation.

'Oneday',hesays,'ItoowillbesorichthatIshallhavemyphotoonthebandsofthecigarsIoffertomyfriends.Thatismyambition.'

WillIhaveanotherlittlePernod?IcertainlywillhaveanotherlittlePernod.(Food?Idon'twantanyfoodnow.Iwantmoreofthisfeeling-fireandwings.)

Thereweare,jabberingawayasifwehadknowneachotherforyears.Hereadsmealetterthathehasjusthadfromagirl.

What'sthematterwithit?Itseemstomealetteranymanoughttobeproudtohave.Allaboutfrissonsandspasmsandunquestionablereussites.(Cheri,cheri,rappelles-tuque....)Atestimonial,thatletteris.

Butthesnagisattheend,asusual.Thegirlwantsanewpairofshoesandsheisaskingforthreehundredfrancstobuythem.Cheri,youwillremembertheunforgettablehourswepassedtogetherandnotrefusemewhenItellyouthatmyshoesarequitewornout.Iamashamedtogointothestreet.Thevaletdechambreknowsthattherearelargeholesinbothmyshoes.Really,Iamashamedtobesopoor.

Istayallthetimeinmyroom.Andso,cheri,etcetera,etcetera,etcetera....

Heischewingandchewingoverthisletter.'Idon'tbelieveit,'hesays.'It'sallalie,it'sasnare,it'satrap.Thisgirl,youunderstand,isaliar.Whatshewantsisthreehundredfrancstogivetohermaquereau.WillIgiveherthreehundredfrancsforhermaquereau?No,Iwon't.Iwillnot....Allthesame,'hesays,'Ican'tbeartothinkofthatpoorlittleonewithholesinhershoes.Thatcan'tbeamusing,walkingaboutwithyourfeetontheground.

'No,itisn'tamusing,'Isay.'Especiallyonarainyday.'

'Well,whatdoyouthink?Doyouthinkthislettercanbegenuine?Whatdoyouthink?'

Everywordhasbeenchewedoverbythetimewehavefinishedourseconddrink.

'Besides,'hesays,'evenifitisgenuine,Imustn'tsendthemoneyatonce.Thatwouldneverdo.Ifshethoughtshehadonlytoask,tohave-thatwouldneverdo.No,no,Imustkeepherwaiting.'

Chew,chew,chew....

'No.Ithinkshe'slying.'

Allthetimeheisstaringatme,sizingmeup.Hehashishandonmykneeunderthetable.

HeisnotaParisian.HelivesinLille.Heisstayingatafriend'slat,hesays,andit'saverynicelat.WillIcomealongthereandhavealittleporto?....Well,whynot?

Whatdoesthismanlooklike?Idon'tremember.Idon'tthinkIeverlookedathim.Irememberthathehadverysmallhandsandthatheworearingwithabluestoneinit.

Wegetoutintothestreet.And,ofcourse,vlung-firstbreathoffreshairandI'msodrunkIcan'twalk.

'Hela,'hesays.'What'sthematter?Haveyoubeendancingtoomuch?'

'Allyouyoungwomen,'hesays,'dancetoomuch.Madforpleasure,alltheyoungpeople....Ah,whatwillhappentothisafter-wargeneration?Iaskmyself.Whatwillhappen?Madforpleasure....Butwe'lltakeataxi.'

Wecrosstheroadunsteadilyandstandunderasicklytown-treewaitingtosignalataxi.Istarttogiggle.Herunshishandupanddownmyarm.

Isay:'Doyouknowwhat'sreallythematterwithme?I'mhungry.I'vehadhardlyanythingtoeatforthreeweeks.'

'Comment?'hesays,snatchinghishandaway.'What'sthisyou'rerelating?'

'C'estvrai,'Isay,gigglingstillmoreloudly.'It'squitetrue.I'vehadnothingtoeatforthreeweeks.'(Exaggerating,asusual.)

Atthismomentataxidrawsup.Withoutawordhegetsintoit,bangsthedooranddrivesof,leavingme

standingthereonthepavement.

AnddidImind?Notatall,notatall.IfyouthinkIminded,thenyou'veneverlivedlikethat,plungedinadream,whenallthefacesaremasksandonlythetreesarealiveandyoucanalmostseethestringsthatarepullingthepuppets.Close-upofhumannature-isn'titworthsomething?

IexpectthatmanthoughtFatewasconspiringagainsthim-whatwithhisgirl'sshoesandmewantingfood.Butthereyouare,ifyou'redeterminedtogetpeopleonthecheap,youshouldn'tbesosurprisedwhentheypitchyoutheirownlittlestoryofmiserysometimes.

Inthemiddleofthenightyouwakeup.Youstarttocry.What'shappeningtome?Oh,mylife,oh,myyouth....

There'ssomewineleftinthebottle.Youdrinkit.Theclockticks.Sleep....

Peopletalkaboutthehappylife,butthat'sthehappylifewhenyoudon'tcareanylongerifyouliveordie.Youonlygetthereafteralongtimeandmanymisfortunes.Anddoyouthinkyouareleftthere?Never.

Assoonasyouhavereachedthisheavenofindifference,youarepulledoutofit.Fromyourheavenyouhavetogobacktohell.Whenyouaredeadtotheworld,theworldoftenrescuesyou,ifonlytomakeafigureoffunoutofyou.

WalkingtothemusicofL'Arlesienne....Ifeelforthepocketsofthecheckcoat,andIamsurprisedwhenItouchthefuroftheoneIamwearing....Pullyourselftogether,dearie.ThisislateOctober,1937,andthatoldcoathaditslastoutingalongtimeago.

Wegoupthestairsofablockofstudiosintoalarge,empty,coldroom,withmasksonthewalls,twooldarmchairsandastraightbackedwoodenchaironwhichiswritten'Merde'.Theanswer,thefinalanswer,toeverything?

ThefriendisaJewofaboutforty.HehasthatmockinglookoftheJew,thelookthatcanbesohateful,thatcanbesoattractive,thatcanbesosad.

Hekeepsputtingbitsofscrewed-upnewspaperintothestove.'Itwon'tburn.It'sinabadmoodtoday.I'llgettea,'hesays.'Thewaterwillbeboilingsoon.'

'WestAfricanmasks?'

'Yes,straightfromtheCongo....Imadethem.

'Thisoneisn'tbad.'

Hetakesitdownandshowsittome.Thecloseseteyeholesstareintomine.Iknowthatfaceverywell;I'veseenlotslikeit,completewithlegsandbody.

That'sthewaytheylookwhentheyaresaying:'Whydidn'tyoudrownyourselfintheSeine?'That'sthewaytheylookwhentheyaresaying:'Qu'est-cequ'ellefoutici,lavieille?'That'sthewaytheylookwhentheyaresaying:'What'sthisstory?'Peeringatyou.Whoareyou,anyway?Who'syourfatherand

haveyougotanymoney,andifnot,whynot?Areyouoneofus?Willyouthinkwhatyou'retoldtothinkandsaywhatyououghttosay?Areyoured,whiteorblue-jelly,suetpuddingorersatzcaviare?

Sergeputssomebeguinemusic,Martiniquemusic,onanoldgramophoneinthecornerandaskswhetherI'dliketodance.

'No,I'dratherwatchyou.'

Heholdsthemaskoverhisfaceanddances.'Tomakeyoulaugh,'hesays.Hedancesverywell.Histhin,nervousbodylooksstrange,surmountedbythehideousmask.Delmar,veryseriousandcorrect,clapshishandsintimetothemusic.

(Haveyoubeendancingtoomuch?)'Don'tstop.'(Madorpleasure,alltheyoungpeople.)'Pleasedon'tstop.'Thegramophoneisgrindingout'Maladied'amour,maladiedelajeunesse....'

Iamlyinginahammocklookingupintothebranchesofatree.Thesoundoftheseaadvancesandretreatsasifadoorwerebeingopenedandshut.Alldaytherehasbeenafiercewindblowing,butatsunsetitdrops.Thehillslooklikecloudsandthecloudslikefantastichills.

Painoflove,Painofyouth,Walkawayfromme,Keepawayfromme,Don'twanttoseeyouNomore,nomore

ThenwetalkaboutNegromusicandaboutvariousboitesinMontparnasse.TheHighball?No,theHighballisn'tniceanymore.It'sadirtyplacenow.Oh,isit?Yes,itis.Nobodygoestherenow.ButtheCubanCabininMontmatre,that'squitegood.Youmightlikethat.Theyplayverywellthere.It'sgay.

Iamtalkingaway,quitecalmlyandsedately,whenthereitisagain-tearsinmyeyes,tearsrollingdownmyface.(saved,rescued,butnotquiteasgoodasnew....)

'I'msosorry.I'msuchafool.Idon'tknowwhat'sthematterwithme'

'Oh,madame,oh,madame,-'Delmarsays,'whydoyoucry?'

'I'msuchafool.Pleasedon'ttakeanynoticeofme.Justdon'ttakeanynoticeandI'llbeallright.'

'Butcry,'lepeintresays.'Cryifyouwantto.Whyshouldn'tyoucry?You'rewithfriends.'

'IfIcouldhaveadrink....'

'Adrink.Ihavesomeportosomewhere.'

Hebustlesaround.Heproducesthreeverysmallcups-thethingsyoudrinksakefrom.

'Japanese,'Isay,intelligently.

Hedoesn'tanswer.Heissearchingforthebottleofport.

Hepoursoutwhatisleftofit.Itjustfillsonesakecup.That,adrink!

Ihaveanirresistiblelongingforalong,strongdrinktomakemeforgetthatonceagainIhavegivendamnablehumanbeingstherighttopitymeandlaughatme.

Isayinaloud,aggressivevoice:'Gooutandgetabottleofbrandy,'takemoneyoutofmybagandofferittohim.

Thisiswherehestartsgettingholdofme,Serge.Hedoesn'tacceptthemoneyorrefuseit-heignoresit.HeblotsoutwhatIhavesaidandthewayIsaidit.Heignoresitasifithadneverbeen,andIknowthat,forhim,ithasneverbeen.Heisthinkingofsomethingelse.

'Don'tdinkjustnow,'hesays.'Later,I'llgetsome,ifyoulike.I'llmakeyousometeanow.'

Hecomesbackwiththeteaandputslemonintoit.Ittastesgoodtome.

'Ioftenwanttocry.Thatistheonlyadvantagewomenhaveovermen-atleasttheycancry.'

Weseriouslydiscussthesubjectofweeping.

Delmardoesn'tcryeasily,hesays.No,notsoeasilyasallthat.Lepeintre,itseems,criesaboutVanGogh.Hespeechifiesabout'theterribleeffort,thesustainedeffort-somethingbeyondthehumanbrain,whathedid.'Etcetera,etcetera....

Whenhegivesmeacigarettehishandisshaking.Heisn'tlying.IthinkhehasreallycriedoverVanGogh.

Wedrinkmoretea.Thestovehasquitegoneoutanditisverycold,buttheydon'tseemtonoticeit.Iamgladofmycoat.IthinkIoughttoasktoseehispictures,butheisinalowoftalkwhichIcan'tinterrupt.HeisrelatinganexperiencehehadinLondon.

'Oh,you'velivedinLondon?''Yes,Iwasthereforatime,butIdidn'tstaylong-no.ButIgotafinesuit,'hesays.'IlookedquiteanEnglishmanfromtheneckdown.Iwasveryproud....IhadaroomnearNottingHillGate.Doyouknowit?'

'Ohyes,Iknowit.'

'Averycomfortableroom.Butonenightthishappened.Talkingaboutweeping-Istillthinkofit....Iwassittingbytheire,whenIheardanoiseasifsomeonehadfallendownoutside.Iopenedthedoorandtherewasawomanlyingfull-lengthinthepassage,crying.Isaidtoher:"What'sthematter?"Sheonlywentoncrying."Well,"Ithought,"it'snothingtodowithme."Ishutthedoorfirmly.ButstillIcouldhearher.IopenedthedooragainandIaskedher:"Whatisit?CanIdoanythingforyou?"Shesaid:"Iwantadrink."

'Exactlylikeme,'Isay.'Icried,andIaskedforadink.'Hecertainlylikesspeechifying,thispeintre.Ishegettingatme?

'No,no,'hesays.'Notlikeyouatall.'

Hegoeson:'Isaidtoher"Comeinifyouwish.Ihavesomewhisky."Shewasn'tawhitewoman.ShewashalfNegro-amulatto.Shehadbeencryingsomuchthatitwasimpossibletotellwhethershewas

prettyoruglyoryoungorold.Shewasdrunktoo,butthatwasn'twhyshewascrying.Shewascryingbecauseshewasattheendofeverything.Therewasthatsoundinhersobbingwhichisquiteunmistakable-likecertainmusic.

.Iputmyarmroundher,butitwasn'tlikeputtingyourarmroundawoman.Shewaslikesomethingthathasbeenturnedintostone.Sheaskedagainforwhisky.Igaveittoher,andshestartedalongstory,speakingsometimesinFrench,sometimesinEnglish,whenofcourseIcouldn'tunderstandherverywell.ShecamefromMartinique,shesaid,andshehadmetthismonsieurinParis,themonsieurshewaswithonthetopfloor.Everybodyinthehouseknewshewasn'tmarriedtohim,butitwasevenworsethatshewasn'twhite.Shesaidthateverytimetheylookedathershecouldseehowtheyhatedher,andthepeopleinthestreetslookedatherinthesameway.Atfirstshedidn'tmind-shethoughtitcomical.Butnowshehadgotsothatshewoulddoanythingnottoseepeople.Shetoldmeshehadn'tbeenout,exceptafterdark,fortwoyears.WhenshesaidthisIhadanextraordinarysensation,asifIwerelookingdownintoapit.Itwastheexpressioninhereyes.Isaid:"Butthismonsieuryouarelivingwith,whatabouthim?""Oh,heisveryAngliche,hesaysIimagineeverything."Iaskedifhedidn'tfinditstrangethatsheneverwentout.ButshesaidNo,hethoughtitquitenatural.Shetalkedforalongtimeaboutthismonsieur.Itseemedthatshestayedwithhimbecauseshedidn'tknowwhereelsetogo,andhestayedwithherbecausehelikedthewayshecooked.Allthissoundsalittleridiculous,butifyouhadseenthiswomanyou'dunderstandwhyitisIhaveneverbeenabletoforgether.Isaidtoher:"Don'tletyourselfgethysterical,becauseifyoudothatit'stheend."Butitwasdifficulttospeaktoherreasonably,becauseIhadallthetimethisfeelingthatIwastalkingtosomethingthatwasnolongerquitehuman,nolongerquitealive.'

'It'saverysadstory,'Isay.'I'msureyouwerekindtoher.'

'Butthat'sjustit.Iwasn't.Shetoldmethatthatafternoonshe'dfeltbetterandwantedtogooutforawalk."Eventhoughitwasn'tquitedark,"shesaid.Onthewayoutshehadmetthelittlegirlofoneoftheothertenants.Thishousewasoneofthosethatareletofinfloors.Therewereseveralfamilieslivinginit.

Shesaidtothelittlegirl:"Goodafternoon...."Itwasalongstory,andofcourse,asIsaid,Icouldn'tunderstandeverythingshesaidtome.Butitseemedthatthechildhadtoldherthatshewasadirtywoman,thatshesmeltbad,thatshehadn'tanyrightinthehouse."IhateyouandIwishyouweredead,"thechildsaid.Andafterthatshehaddrunkawholebottleofwhiskyandthereshewas,outsidemydoor.Well,whatcanyousaytoastorylikethat?IknewallthetimethatwhatshewantedwasthatIshouldmakelovetoherandthatitwastheonlythingthatwoulddoheranygood.Butalas,Icouldn't.IjustgaveherwhatwhiskyIhadandshewentof,hardlyabletowalk....Thereweretwootherwomeninthehouse.Therewasonewithashut,thinmouthandafatonewithabordellaugh.ImustsayIneverheardthemspeakingtotheMartiniquaise,buttheyhadcrueleyes,bothofthem....Ididn'tmuchlikethewaytheylookedatme,either....Butperhapsallwomenhavecrueleyes.Whatdoyouthink?'

Isay:'Ithinkmosthumanbeingshavecrueleyes.'Thatrosy,wooden,innocentcruelty.Iknow.

'WhenIpassedheronthestairsnextdayIsaidgoodmorning,butshedidn'tanswerme....OnceIsawthechildputtinghertongueoutatthepoorcreature.Onlysevenoreight,andyetsheknewsoexactlyhowtobecruelandwhoitwassafetobecruelto.OnemustadmireNature....Igotanastonishinghatredofthehouseafterthat.EverytimeIwentinitwasasifIwerewalkingintoawall-oneofthosewallswherepeoplearebuiltin,stillalive.I'veneverforgottenthis.Seriously,allthetimeIwasinLondon,I

feltasifIwerebeingsuffocated,asifalargederrierewassittingonme.'

'Well,somepeoplefeelthatwayandotherpeople,ofcourse,don't.Italldepends.'

'Butit'ssixo'clock,'hesays.'IhavesomeoneImustseeatsixo'clock.WouldyoumindifIleaveyouherewithmyfriend,andhewillshowyoueverything.Pleasestay.I'llbebackinanhour.ButImustgonow.Ipromised,andIshallbealreadyhalfanhourlate.Vouseteschezvous.'

AdialoguewithDelmarastothebestwaytogettothisplace,whichseemstobeintheRueduBac.Heturnsatthedoorand,withthemockingexpressionveryapparent,sayssomethinginRussian.Atleast,Isupposeit'sRussian.

Delmarputsonafeeblelightinthemiddleoftheroom,thencomesuptomeand,inahesitatingway,takesmyhandandkissesit.Thenhekissesmycheek.

'WhenyoucriedIwassosad.'

Ikisshim.Twoloud,meaninglesskisses,likeaFrenchgeneralwhenhegivesadecoration.Niceboy....

'Whatdidhesaybeforehewentout?'

'Hesaidthatifyoudidn'twanttobuyapictureyouneedn'tbuyone.Nobodyexpectsyouto.'

'Oh,butIdo.Iabsolutelywantone.'

'Wait,Iknowhowwecanarrangeit,sothatyoucanreallyseethepictures.'

Therearealotofemptyframesstackedupagainstdiewall.Delmararrangesthemroundtheroomandputsthecanvasesonebyoneintothem.Thecanvasesresist.Theycurlup;theydon'twanttogointotheframes.Hepushesandprodsthemsothattheygoinandstayin,insomesortoffashion.

'Oughtwetodothis?Whatwillhesaywhenhecomesback?'

'Oh,itdoesn'tmatter.It'sallright.Iwantyoutobeabletoseethem.'

Whenhehasfinishedpicturesareproppeduponthefloorroundthreesidesoftheroom.

'Nowyoucanseethem,'hesays.

'Yes,nowIcanseethem.'

Iamsurroundedbythepictures.Itisastonishinghowvividtheyareinthisdimlight....Nowtheroomexpandsandtheironbandroundmyheartloosens.Themiraclehashappened.Iamhappy.

Lookingatthepictures,Igoofintoavaguedream.PerhapsonedayI'llliveagainroundthecornerinaroomasemptyasthis.Nothinginitbutabedandalookingglass.Gettingthestovelitatabouttwointheafternoon-thecoldandthestovefightingeachother.Lyingnearthestoveincompletepeace,havingsomebreadwithpatespreadonit,andthenhavingadrinkandlyingalltheafternooninthatemptyroom-nothinginitbutthebed,thestoveandthelookingglassandoutsideParis.Andthedreamsthatyouhave,aloneinanemptyroom,waitingforthedoorthatwillopen,thethingthatisboundtohappen

ItisaftersevenwhenSergecomesback.Herushesin,panting:'I'msorryI'mlate.'HetalkstoDelmarinRussian.Ishesaying:'Well,wassheanygood?'orishesaying:'Willshebuyapictureandisshegoingtopayup?'Thelast,Ithink-thetonewasbusinesslike.

'Iwantverymuchtobuyoneofyourpictures-thisone.'

ItisanoldJewwitharednose,playingthebanjo.

'Thepriceofthatissixhundredfrancs,'hesays.'Ifyouthinkit'stoomuchwe'llarrangesomeotherprice.'

Allhischarmandeaseofmannerhavegone.Helooksanxiousandsurly,Isayawkwardly:'Idon'tthinkitatalltoomuch.ButIhaven'tgotthemoney'

BeforeIcangetanyfurtherheburstsintoashoutoflaughter.'WhatdidItellyou?'hesaystoDelmar.

'Buthaveit,takeit,allthesame.Ilikeyou.I'llgiveityouasapresent.'

'No,no.AllImeantwasthatIcan'tpayyounow.'

'Oh,that'sallright.YoucansendmethemoneyfromLondon.I'lltellyouwhatyoucandoforme-youcanfindsomeotheridiotswho'llbuymypictures.'Whenhesaysthis,hesmilesatmesogently,sodisarmingly.Thetouchofthehumanhand....I'dforgottenwhatitwaslike,thetouchofthehumanhand.

'I'mserious.Imeanthat.Takethepictureandsendmethemoneywhenyoucan.'

'Icanletyouhaveittonight.'

Weargueforsometimeastowhereweshallmeet.

'Ican'tstandMontparnassenow,'hesays."Thosefaces,thosegueules!Theymakemesick.SomewhereintheQuartierLatin.'

WedecideontheCapouladeathalfpastten.Herollsupthepictureintissuepaper,tiesitroundwithabitofstingandItakeitundermyarm.Thenhegivesmyhandalong,hardshakeandsays'Amis'.

Whenheshakesmyhandlikethatandsays'Amis'Ifeelveryhappy....

Wegetoutintothecourtyard,DelmarandI.Itisaverycold,clearnight.Theouterdoorisshut.Businesswiththeconcierge.

NowIamnotthinkingofthepastatall.Iamwellinthepresent.

'Capoulade-halfpastten....'

Thepictureswalkalongwithme.Themisshapendwarfsjugglewithhugecolouredballoons,thefourbreastedwomanisexhibited,theoldprostitutewaitshopelesslyoutsidetheurinoir,theyoungoneunderthebecdegaz....

Attentwentyfive-stillfairlyexalted-IamintheCapoulade.Iwaitforaquarterofanhour,twentyminutes.Nobodyturnsup....Bon,bien,that'swhatyougetforbeingexalted,mygirl.Buttheprotectivearmourisfunctioningallright-Idon'tmindatall.

IamjustworryingaboutthewayIamgoingtogivethismanhismoney.Ican'twrite,becauseIdon'trememberthenumberofthehouse.ShallIpushitunderthedoorofhisstudioandtrusttoluck?

AsIamthinkingthisDelmarcomesin.Correct,glovesinhislefthand.'Oh,I'msosorry,sosorry.Iwaitedatthestudioforlepeintreforhalfanhourandheneverturnedup.Ididn'tknowwhattodo.Ithoughtitwasbettertocomehere.I'vebeensoworriedaboutit.'

'That'sallright.Itdoesn'tmatteratall.'Igivehimtheenvelopewiththemoney.

Isthereaclosingoftheeyes,aslightlyrelievedexpressiononhisface?Yes,Ithinkso.Andwhynot?Haveaheart.Whynot?

However,hedoesseemannoyed-sofarashecanbeannoyed,whichisn'tveryfar.Hereissomeonewhofirmlybelievesinhisowncreed:'Ididn'tasktobeborn,Ididn'tasktobeputintotheworld,Ididn'tmakemyself,Ididn'tmaketheworldasitis,Iamaguiltlessone.SoIhavetheright,'etcetera,etcetera,etcetera....

'Lepeintre!'hesays.'Ilestfou,lepeintre....Didyoulikehim?'

'Yes,Ilikedhimverymuch.'

Helayshisglovescarefullydownonthetable.'Willyouhaveacoffee,madame?''No,I'llhaveabrandy,please.'

Helooksanxious,ordersthebrandyandacoffeeforhimself.God,thisisawful!

'Lepeintre,'hesays,'he'smad.Idon'tknowwhyhehasbeensoimpolite,butit'sjustwhathewoulddo.

Becausehe'smad.Youknow,twoyearsago,thisman,hewasliving....Terible....Lacrasse,madame....I

saidtohim:"Youcan'tgoonlivinglikethis.""Jem'enfous,"hesaid....However,Italkedtohimandintheendhemanagedtogetthemoneytogivehisexhibition.Andhispictureswerebought.Yes,theywerebought....Eighteenthousandfrancs.C'estinoui',unesommepareille....Andthenhedidmove.Hewenttothisbeautiful,respectableroomwhereyousawhim....Allthesameheismad.'

Hegoesontalkingaboutlepeintre.Igatherthatheisimpressedbutjealous.Hecan'tseetheattraction.Why,why?

'Soyoulikedhim?'

'Yes,Idid.Verymuch.'

'Ah,'hesays,gloomily,'voila.Allthesame,I'vehadenoughofthesepeopleoftheextremeLeft.Theyhavebadmanners.Moi,jesuismonarchiste....And,mindyou,whenhesaysheisoftheextremeLeft,it'sallnonsense.Hedoesn'treallycare.'

'Ofcoursehedoesn't.'

'Yes,yes....Moi,jesuismonarchiste.Aqueen,forinstance,aprincess-thatmustbesomething.'

Ifhefeelslikethat,what'stheuseofarguingwithhim?....Iagreewitheverything.Aqueen,aprincess-that'ssomething.

WhenheasksifIcanmeethimagain:'Well,I'lltry,'Isay.'ButI'mverymuchoccupied.'

Ican'tstandthisbusinessofnotbeingabletohavewhatIwanttodrink,becausehewon'tallowmetopayandcertainlydoesn'twanttopayhimself.It'stoowearing.

'I'mleavingParisnextweek.SoonerthanIthought.'

WillIlethimknowwhenIamgoing,sothathecancometotheGareduNordtoseemeof?

'Yes,pleasedo.Itwouldbesoniceifyouwould.It'ssadtogoawayfromaplacewithnobodytotellyougood-bye.'

WhenIambackinmyroomIstartworryingabouthimandthemoneyhehasspentonme.AndthenIthink:'Ibethe'llgethispercentageonthatsixhundredfrancs.Orperhapshewon'thandthemoneyoveratall.'ThisideamakesmelaughallthetimeIamundressing.

WanderingaboutthenarrowstreetsnearthePantheon.

Itstartstorain.

Igointoatabac.Thewomanatthebargivesmeoneofthoselooks:Whatdoyouwanthere,you?Wedon'tcaterfortouristshere,notourclientele....Well,dearmadame,totellyouthetruth,whatIwanthereisadrink-Iratherthinktwo,perhapsthree.

Itiscoldanddarkoutside,andeverythinghasgoneoutofmeexceptmisery.

'APernod,'Isaytothewaiter.

Helooksatmeinasly,amusedwaywhenhebringsit.

God,it'sfunny,beingawoman!Andtheotherone-theonebehindthebar-isshegoingtogiggleortosaysomethingaboutmeinavoiceloudenoughformetohear?That'sthewayshe'sfeeling.

No,shesaysnothing....Butshesaysitall.

Well,that'sOK,cheremadame,andverynicelydonetoo.You'vesaidnothingbutyou'vesaiditall.Nevermind,herIamandhereI'mgoingtostay.

Behindmytableisadoor.Toilette.-theyneedn'thavesaidso.Andthenanother,smallerdoor.Service.Ihearnoisesofwashingupgoingonbehindthisdoor.

Afterawhileagirlcomesout,withatraypiledwithcleanglasses.Sheleavesthedooropen.Inside,asink,atapandmoredirtyglassesandplates,waitingtobewashed.Thereisjustroomforthegirltostand.Anunbelievablesmellcomesfromthesink.

Sepassesmewithoutlookingatme.Bare,sturdylegs,feltslippers,ablackdress,afilthyapron,thick,curly,untidyhair.Iknowher.Thisisthegirlwhodoesallthedirtyworkandgetspaidlittleforit.Salut.

Shegoesintotheroombehindthebar,putstheglassesdown,walksbacktothecupboardandshutsherselfin.Howdoesshemanagenottoknockherelbowseverytimeshemoves?Howcanshestayinthatcoffinforfiveminuteswithoutfainting?....Sorryforher?WhyshouldIbesorryforher?Hasn'tshegotsturdylegsandcurlyhair?Anddon'therstronghandssingtheMarseillaise?Andwhentherevolutioncomes,won'tthosebethehandstobekissed?Well,soMonsieurRimbaudsays,doesn'the?Ihopehe'sright.Iwonderthough,Iwonder,Iwonder....

Icallthewaiter,topay.Igivehimalargetip.Helooksatit,says'Merci',andthen'Mercibeacoup'.Iaskhimtotellmethewaytothenearestcinema.This,ofcourse,-arisesfromacringingdesiretoexplainmypresenceintheplace.Ionlycameinheretoinquirethewaytothenearestcinema.Iamarespectablewoman,unefemmeconvenable,onherwaytothenearestcinema.Faitescommelesautres-that'sbeenmymottoallmylife.Faitescommelesautres,damnyou.

Andalothecares-Icouldhavesparedmyselfthetrouble.Butthisismyattitudetolife.Please,please,monsieuretmadame,mister,missisandmiss,Iamtryingsohardtobelikeyou.IknowIdon'tsucceed,butlookhowhardItry.Threehourstochooseahat;everymorninganhourandahalftryingtomakemyselflooklikeeverybodyelse.EverywordIsayhaschainsrounditsankles;everythoughtIthinkisweightedwithheavyweights.SinceIwasborn,hasn'teverywordI'vesaid,everythoughtI'vethought,everythingI'vedone,beentiedup,weighted,chained?And,mindyou,IknowthatwithallthisIdon'tsucceed.OrIsucceedinflashesonlytoodamnedwell....ButthinkhowhardItryandhowseldomIdare.Think-andhaveabitofpity.Thatis,ifyoueverthink,youapes,whichIdoubt.Nowthewaiterhasfinishedtellingmehowtogettothenearestcinema.

'AnotherPernod,'Isay.

Hebringsit.Hefillsmyglassalmosttothebrim,perhapsinanticipationofanothertip,perhapsbecause

hewantstoseemedrunkassoonaspossible,orperhapsbecausethebottleslipped.

Thegirlcomesoutwiththelastlotofglasses.I'mglad.IthasjustoccurredtomethatifIweren'therethedoorofhercoffinmightbekeptopen.Mightbe.NotthatIwouldhavegoneawayifithadoccurredtomebefore.WhyshouldI?ThehandsthatsingtheMarseillaise,theworldthatcouldbesodifferent-what'sallthattome?WhatcanIdoaboutit?Nothing.Idon'tdeceivemyself.

That'ssettled.IcanstartonthesecondPernod.

Nowthefeelingoftheroomisdifferent.TheyallknowwhatIam.I'mawomancomeinheretogetdrunk.Thathappenssometimes.Theyhaveadink,thesewomen,andthentheyhaveanotherandthentheystartcryingsilently.Andthentheygointothelavaboandthentheycomeout-powdered,butwithholloweyes-and,headdown,slinkintothestreet.

'Poorwoman,shehastearsinhereyes.'

'Whatdoyouexpect?Elleabu.'

That'sit,cheremadame,I'mdrunk.Ihavedrunk.There'snothingtobedoneaboutitnow.Ihavedrunk.Butotherwisequiet,fearful,tamed,preparedtogivebigtips.(I'llgiveabigtipifyou'llleavemealone.)Bon,bien,bien,bon....

Sometimessomebodycomesinforstamps,oramanforadrink.Thenyoucanseeoutsideintothestreet.Andthestreetwalksin.Itisoneofthosestreets-dark,powerful,magical....

'Oh,thereyouare,'itsays,walkinginatthedoor,'thereyouare.Wherehaveyoubeenallthislongtime?'

Nobodyelseknowsme,butthestreetknowsme.

'Andthereyouare,'Isay,finishingmyPernodandratherdrunk.'Salut,salut!'(Butsometimesitwassunny....Walkingalonginthesuninagaydress,stripedredandblue....iwon'twalkalongthatstreetagain.)

TheCinemaDanton.Watchingagoodyoungmantryingtorescuehisemployerfromamercenarymistress.Theemployerisagay,badoldboywhomanufacturestoiletarticles.Thegoodyoungmanhastheawkwardness,thesmugness,theshyness,thepathosofgoodyoungmen.Heinterruptsintimateconversations,knockingloudly,binginginlettersandparcels,etcetera,etcetera.Atlastthelady,annoyed,getsupandsweepsaway.Sheturnsatthedoortosay:'Alors,bien,jetelaisseatessuppositoires.'Everybodylaughsloudlyatthis,andsodoI.Shesaidthatwell.

Thefilmgoesonandon.Aftermanyvicissitudes,thegoodyoungmanistriumphant.Hehaspermissiontoproposetohisemployer'sdaughter.Heiswaitingonthebankofalargepond,witharingthatheisgoingtoofferherreadyinhiswaistcoatpocket.Hetakesitouttomakesurethathehasit.Madwithhappiness,hestridesupanddowntheshoresofthepond,gesticulating.Hemakestoowildagesture.Theringliesfromhishandintothemiddleofthepond.Hetakesofhistrousers;hewadesout.Hehastogettheringback;hemustgetitback.

Exactlythesortofthingthathappenstome.Ilaughtillthetearscomeintomyeyes.However,thefilm

showsnosignsofstopping,soIgetupandgoout.

AnotherPernodinthebarnextdoortothecinema.Isitatacornertableandsipitrespectably,withloweredeyes.Jesuisunefemmeconvenable,justcomeoutofthenearestcinema....NowIreallyamOK,cheremadame.IfIhaveabottleofBordeauxatdinnerI'llbealmostasdrunkasI'dhopedtobe.

Thereisaletterfromlepeintreatthehotel.Hesaysheisverysorryhedidn'tturnuptheotherevening-ilfautm'excuser.HesaysDelmarhashandedoverthesixhundredfrancs,andhethanksme.HesaysthatifIdon'tlikethebonhomme,ifIfindhimtoosad,hewillchangehimforoneofthelandscapesorforanythingelseIwantandthathewilltrytogettotheGareduNordtosayaurevoirtome(Ibethewon't),andheismyfriend,SergeRubin.

Well,I'llhaveawhiskyonthat.

Iunrollthepictureandthemanstandinginthegutter,playinghisbanjo,staresatme.Heisgentle,humble,resigned,mocking,alittlemad.Hestaresatme.Heisdouble-headed,double-faced.Heissinging'Ithasbeen',singing'Itwillbe'.Double-headedandwithfourarms....Istarebackathimandthinkaboutbeinghungry,beingcold,beinghurt,beingridiculed,asifitwereinanotherlifethanthis.

Thisdamnedroom-it'ssaturatedwiththepas....It'salltheroomsI'veeversleptin,allthestreetsI'veeverwalkedin.Nowthewholethingmovesinanordered,undulatingprocessionpastmyeyes.Rooms,streets,streets,rooms....

PARTTHREE

....TheroomattheSteens'.

Itwascrowdedwithredplushfurniture,thewoodshiningbrightly.Therewereseveralvasesoftulipsandtwocageswithcanaries,andthereweretwoclocks,eachtryingtoticklouderthantheother.Thewindowswerenearlyalwaysshut,buttheroomwasn'tmusty.Whenthedoorintotheshopwasopenyoucouldsmelldrugsandeau-de-Cologne.Onatableatthebacktherewasabigpotofteaoveraspirit-lamp.Thelittlebluelightmadeitlooklikeanaltar.

Inthatroomyoucouldn'tthink,youcouldn'tmakeplans.Justthewaytheclocksticked,andoutsidetheclean,narrowstreets,andtheotherstalkingDutchandIlistening,notunderstanding.Itwaslikebeingachildagain,listeningandthinkingofsomethingelseandhearingthevoices-endless,inevitableandrestful.LikeSundayafternoon.

Well,London....Ithasafinesound,butwhatwasLondontome?Itwasalittleroom,smellingstuffy,withmystockingshangingtodryinfrontofagasfire.Nothinginthatroomwaseverclean;nothingwaseverdirty,either.Thingswerealwayshalfandhalf.Theychangedonesheetatatime,sothatthebedwasneverquitecleanandneverquitedirty.

Thinking:'I'vegotawayfromallthat,anyhow.Nottogoback,nottogoback....'

IlikedTonny;shewasgentle.ButIhatedHansSteen.Hehadablusteringlook.Hedidn'tbluster,hewasverypolite.Buthispaleblueeyeshadthatlook,andhishands.

Narrowstreets,withthepeoplewalkinguponewayanddownanother.Sotidily.Inthepark,the

HaagscheBosch,thetreesupside-downintheicegreenwater.

WegoeverydaytotheCentraalforanaperitif.Weeatatalittleplacewheretheviolinistplayssentimentaltunesverywell.('WillyouplayLeBinyouformadame?....')

Ihaven'tanymoney.Hehasn'tanyeither.Weboththoughttheotherhadmoney.Butpeoplearedoingcrazythingsallovertheplace.Thewarisover.Nomorewar-never,never,never.Apreslaguerre,there'llbeagoodtimeeverywhere....AndnottogobacktoLondon.Itisn'tsofine,whatIhavetogobacktoinLondon.

Butnomoney?Nix?....Andtheletterinmyhandbag:'Ithinkyoumustbemad.Ifyouinsistondoingthis....'

Atallvaseofsprawlingtulipsonthetable.Howtheygivethemselves!'Perhapsit'sbecausetheyknowtheyhavenothingtogive,'Ennosays.

TalkingaboutParis,wherehehaslivedsincehewaseighteen.Hewasachansonnier,itseems,beforehebecameajournalist.Heenlistedduringthefirstweekofthewar.From1917onwardsagap.HeseemedveryprosperouswhenImethiminLondon,butnownomoney-nix.Whathappened?Hedoesn'ttellme.

ButwhenwegettoParisthegoodlifewillstartagain.Besides,wehavemoney.Betweenuswehavefifteenpounds.

Allthesame,Ineverthoughtweshouldreallygetmarried.OnedayI'llmakeaplan,I'llknowwhattodo....

ThenIwakeupandit'smyweddingday,coldandrainy.IputonthegreysuitthatatailorinDelfthasmadeformeontick.Idon'tlikeitmuch.Ennocomesinwithabunchofliliesofthevalley,pinsitinmycoatandkissesme.Wegetataxianddivethroughtheraintothetownhallandwearemarriedwithalotofothercouples,allstandingroundinacircle.WecomeoutofthetownhallandhaveonedrinkwithTonnyandHans.Thentheygohometolookaftertheshop.Wegoontoanotherplace.Nobodyelseisthere-it'stooearly.Wehavetwoglassesofpotandthenanothertwo.

'Howidioticallthatbusinesswas!'Ennosays.

Wehavemoreport.It'sthefirsttimethatdaythatIhavefeltwarmorhappy.

Isay:'Youwon'teverleaveme,willyou?''Allons,allons,alittlegaiety,'Ennosays.

HehasafiendcalledDickson,aFrenchman,whosingsattheScala.HecallshimselfDicksonbecauseEnglishsingersarepopularatthemoment.Wegotohisflatthatafternoonanddrinkchampagne.Everybodygetsverygay.LouisandLouise,tangodancers,alsoatthecabaret,dotheirshowforus.DicksonsingsInTheseHardTimes:

ThatfunnykindofdressyouwearLeavesallyourbackandyourshouldersbare,ButyoureluckytobedresseduptothereInthesehardtimes.

Ennosings:

QuandonnapasdechaussuresOnfaitcommelesrentiers,Onprendunevoiture,Onnevousvoitpaslespieds!

Parlousdonedechaussettes:Fautpaslesnettoyer,Onlesretourne,e'estpasbete,Puisonleschangedepied!

Ising:'Fortonight,fortonight,Letmedreamoutmydreamofdelight,Tra-la-la....Andpurchasefromsorrowamoment'srespite,Tra-la-la....'

MrsDicksonreadsaloudexcitedlyfromatheatricalpaper.Twogirlstheyknowaremixedupinamurdercase.ShereadsaboutRiriandCricri,rollingher'r's'.Rrrirrri,Crrricrrri....

IamabitdrunkwhenwetakethetraintoAmsterdam.

....TheroominthehotelinAmsterdamthatnight.

Itwasveryclean,witharose-patternedwallpaper.

'Now,youmustn'tworryaboutmoney,'Ennosays.'Money'sastupidthingtoworryabout.Youletmedo.Icanalwaysgetsome.WhenwegettoParisit'llbeallright.'

(When-we-get-to-Paris....)

There'sanotherbottleofchampagneonthetablebythebed.

'Love,'Ennosays,'youmustn'ttalkaboutlove.Don'ttalk'.

Youmustn'ttalk,youmustn'tthink,youmuststopthinking.Ofcourse,itislikethat.Youmustletgoofeverythingelse,stopthinking....

Nextmorningweeatanenormousbreakfastofsausages,coldmeat,cheeseandmilk.WewalkaboutAmsterdam.WelookatpicturesintheRijksmuseum.'Wouldyouliketoseeyourdouble?'Ennosays.

Iamtuneduptotoppitch.Everythingissmooth,softandtender.Makinglove.Thecoloursofthepictures.Thesunsets.Tender,northcolourswhenthesunsets-pink,mauve,greenandblue.Andthewindveryfreshandcoldandthelightsinthecanalslikegoldcaterpillarsandtheseagullsswoopingoverthewater.Tuneduptotoppitch.Everythingtenderandmelancholy-aslifeissometimes,justforonemoment....AndwhenwegettoParis;when-we-get-to-Paris....

'IwantverymuchtogobacktoParis,'Ennowouldsay.'Ithasnoreason,nosense.ButallthesameIwanttogobackthere.Certainhouses,certainstreets....

Nosense,noreason.Justthisnostalgia....And,mindyou,someofmysongshavemademoney....'SuddenlyIaminafeverofanxietytogetthere.Let'sbeonourway,let'sbeonourway....Whyshouldn'twegetasfarasBrussels?Allright,we'llgetasfarasBrussels;mightbesomethingdoinginBrussels.

Butthefifteenpoundshavegone.Weraiseeverypennywecan.Wesellmostofourclothes.

Mybeautifullifeinfrontofme,openingoutlikeafaninmyhand....

Whathappenedthen?....Well,whathappens?

TheroomintheBrusselshotel-veryhot.Thebellofthecinemanextdoorringing.Along,narrowroomwithalong,narrowwindowandthebellofthecinemanextdoor,sharpandmeaningless.

Thingshaven'tgone.Ennosaying:'We'veonlygotthirtyfrancsleft.'(MyLord,isthatall?)'Yes,onlythirtyfrancs.We'llhavetodosomethingaboutittomorrow.'

ThebellofthecinemakeptonringingandeverytimeitrangIcouldfeelhimstart.

Whenhewentoutnextmorninghesaid:TthinkI'llbeabletoraisesomemoney.Waitinhereforme.'

'Willyoubealongtime?'

'No....Anyhow,don'tgoout.'

Sittingonthebed,waiting.Walkingupanddowntheroom,waiting.Ican'tstandit,thiswaiting.

Then,asifsomebodyhadspokenitaloudinmyhead-MrLawson.Ofcourse,MrLawson....

Ihadn'trememberedhowglassyhiseyeswere,MrLawson's.

'Yes?'hesays.'Youaskedtoseeme?'Raisinghiseyebrowsalittle,hesays:'Ye-es?'

Hedoesn'trecognizeme.Imustlookratherawful.Isay:'I'mafraidyoudon'trememberme.IwasstayinginthoseroomsintheTemplethatyoucametolookover,andyoutookmetodinner.WehadoystersandwetalkedaboutIreland.Don'tyouremember?ThenwewereontheboatgoingovertoHollandandyougavemeyouraddressinBrussels.YousaidifIgothere,wouldIlookyouup?Don'tyouremember?'

'Ofcourse.LittleMiss-'

'Notlittle,'Isay,'notlittle.'BecauseIcan'thaveamanlikethatcallingmelittle.

Italkaway,saying,asifitwereajoke:'We'renotexactlystranded.WeshallbequiteallrightassoonaswegettoParis.Infact,weshallbequiteallrightinadayortwo.Only,stupidly,justforthemoment,we'reabitstranded.'

MrLawsontalksbackandintheendhegivesmeahundredfrancs.'Ifthisisanygoodtoyou.Andnow,I'mverysorry,butI'vegottorush.'

Iamstandingtherewiththenoteinmyhand,whenhecomesuptomeandkissesme.IamhatinghimmorethanIhaveeverhatedanyoneinmylife,yetIfeelmymouthgosoftunderhis,andmyarmsgolimp.'Goodbye,'hesaysinimitationAmerican,andgrins.

'Didyouhaveanyluck?'

'Notmuch,'Ennosays.

Isay:'I'vemanagedtoborrowahundredfrancs.'

'Whodidyouborrowitfrom?'

'Well,it'sawomanIusedtoknowverywellinLondon.IknewshelivedhereandIfoundheraddressinthedirectory.SheknewMissCavell.Yes,afriendofMissCavell's.ShelivesintheAvenueLouise,andIwentandsawher.

'She'snotexactlyafiend,'Isay.'Asamatteroffact,shewashorriblyrude,theoldbitch.Sheasgoodastoldmeshewouldn'tseemeifeverIwentthereagain.Mademoiselleregrette,maismademoisellenerecoitpasaujourd'hui....'

'AvenueLouise?WhatnumberAvenueLouise?'

'Oh,shutupaboutit.'Iliedownonthebedandbegintocry.

'Don'tcry.IfyoucryIshallgomad.'

'Shutup,then,anddon'ttalkaboutthedamnedhundredfrancs.'(Withahundredfrancstheybuytheunlimitedrighttoscornyou.It'scheap.)

'Whatareyoucryingabout?'hesays.

'It'smydress.Ifeelsoawful.Ifeelsodirty.Iwanttohaveabath.Iwantanotherdress.Iwantcleanunderclothes.Ifeelsoawful.Ifeelsodirty.'

'I'llgetyouanotherdressassoonaswegettoParis.Iknowsomewherewherewecangetcredit....You'llsee,whenwegettoParisit'llbeallright.'fHegoesouttobuysomethingtoeat.IliethereandIamhappy,forgettingeverything,happyandcool,notcaringifIliveordie.IthinkofthewayMrLawsonlookedatmewhenIfirstwentin-hislong,narrow,surprisedface.IlaughandIcan'tstoplaughing.

Thelavatoryatthestation-thatwasthenexttimeIcried.Ihadjustbeensick.IwassoafraidImightbegoingtohaveababy....

AlthoughIhavebeensosick,Idon'tfeelanybetter,headupagainstthewall,icycoldandsweating.Sometimestriesthedoor,andIpullmyselftogether,stopcryingandpowdermyface.

WearegoingtoCalais.Ennohasmadepalswithawaiterwholivesthereandwhohaspromisedtolendussomemoney.

Heisverygoodatsalad-dressing,thiswaiter.Weeatwithhimandhiswifenextday.Thereheis,withhisfatbackandthickneck,mixingthedressing.HeusessugarintheGermanway.Hiswifewatcheshim,lookingspitefulandfrightened.Sheisthinanduglyandnotyoung.

Thewaitermixesthedressingforthesaladveryslowlyatthesideboard.Icanseemyselfinthemirror.Ilookthin-toothin-anddirtyandhaggard,withthatexpressionthatyougetinyoureyeswhenyouareverytiredandeverythingislikeadreamandyouarestartingtoknowwhatthingsarelikeunderneath

whatpeoplesaytheyare.

Ihadn'tbargainedforthis.Ididn'tthinkitwouldbelikethis-shabbyclothes,wornoutshoes,circlesunderyoureyes,yourhairgettingstraightandlanky,thewaypeoplelookatyou....Ididn'tthinkitwouldbelikethis.

WalkingaboutthestreetsofCalaiswiththewaiter'swife.WewenttoseethatstatuebyRodin.Allthetimeshewascomplaininginathinvoicethatheneverletherhaveanymoneyforclothes,andthatitwashermoneyafterall;hehadn'tasouwhenshemarriedhim.

Shedidn'tseematallcuriousaboutus,ortowanttoknowwherehepickedusup.Shejustwentonandonabouthisunkindnessandtheclothesshewanted.

Itwasagreyday.ItwaslikewalkinginLondon,likewalkinginadream.MyGod,howawfulIlookedinthatmirror!IfI'mgoingtolooklikethat,there'snotahope.FancyhavingtogotoParislookinglikethat....

Whenwegotbackwedrankabsinthe.Thewaiterprepareditforuselaborately.Ittookalongtime.Ididn'tlikethetaste,butIwascoldanditwarmedme.WesattheresippingandEnnoandthewaitertalkedinacorner.Thewifedidn'tsayanythingandafterawhileIdidn'teither.ButtheabsinthemademefeelquarrelsomeandIbegantowishIcouldshout'Shutup'atthemandtodislikethewaiterbecauseIknewhewasn'tthinkingmuchofmylooks.('She'snotmuch.IthoughtshewasbetterlookingthanthatthefirsttimeIsawher.')

Istoppedlisteningtothem,butwhentheabsinthewentreallytomyheadIthoughtIwasshoutingtothemtoshutup.Ievenheardmyvoicesaying:'Shutup;Ihateyou.'ButreallyIdidn'tsayanythingandwhenEnnolookedatmeIsmiled.

Well,Gustave-thewaiter-lentusthemoneyhehadpromisedandweleftCalais.

EnnohadtakenadisliketoGustave'swife.'Thattocallitselfawoman!'hesaid.

'Butitwashermoney,'Isaid.

'Ohwell,'Ennosaid,'hemakesverygooduseofit,doesn'the?Hemakesmuchbetteruseofitthanshewould.'

Itwasaslowtrainandweweretightlypackedinthecompartment.Lyingintheluggagerack,tryingtosleep,proppedupbyEnno'sstick,andthewheelsofthetrainsaying:'Paris,Paris,Paris,Paris...."

Agirlcameintothecafeandsatdownatthenexttable.Shewaswearingagreysuit,theskirtshortandtightandtheblouseveryfreshandclean.AndacockyblackhatlikeaScotssoldier'sglengarry.Herhandbagwaslyingonthetablenearher-patentleathertomatchhershoes.(Handbag....WhatalotofthingsI'vegottoget!Wouldasuitlikethatbeagoodthingtoget?No,IthinkIhadbetterget....)Andshewalkedsostraightandquickonherhighheeledshoes.Tap,tap,tap,herheels....

'I'lltakeyousomewheretowait,'Ennosaid.'Imustseeoneortwopeople.'

Drinkingcoffeeveryearlyinthemorning,everythinglikeadream.Iwassotired.

WegotoutoftheMetrointotheBoulevardMontparnasse.

'Inhere,'Ennosaid.Hetookmebythearm.

TheRotondewasfullofmenreadingnewspapersonlongsticks.Shabbymen,notsneering,nottakinganynotice.Picturesonthewalls.

Thehandsoftheclockmovingquickly.Onehour,twohours,threehours....

Howlongwilltheyletmesithere?Notadropofcoffeeleft.Thelastdropwasverycoldandverybitter-verycoldandbitter,thelastdrop.Ihaveivefrancs,butIdaren'torderanothercoffee.Imustn'tspenditonthat.

Thecoloursofthepicturesmeltingintoeachother,myheadbackagainstthebench.IfIgotosleepthey'llcertainlyturnmeout.Perhapstheywon't,butbetternotriskit.

Threehoursandahalf....

AssoonasIseehimIknowfromhisfacethathe'sgotsomemoney.Atallmaniswithhim,amanwithagentlefaceandlong,thinhands.

WegonextdoortoaplacecalledLaNapolitaineandeatravioli.Warmingme.Eatslowly,makeitlastalongtime....

I'veneverbeensohappyinmylife.I'malive,eatingraviolianddrinkingwine.I'veescaped.Adoorhasopenedandletmeoutintothesun.WhatmoredoIwant?Anythingmighthappen.

'I'vegotaroom,'Ennosays.'RueLamartine.'

'Ihadachase,'hesays.'Paulettewasn'tin.Ileftanote.IranintoAlfredjustoutsideherapartment.'

Alfredsmiles,bows,twistshishandsnervouslyanddeparts.

'He'snice,'Isay.

'Yes,he'saniceboy.He'saTurk.'

'Oh,IthoughthewasFrench.'

'No,he'saTurk.'

Howmuchmoneyhashegot?No,don'task.Idon'twanttoknow.Tellmelateron,tellmetomorrow.Letmebehappyjustfornow....

Anoldmancomesup,sellingredroses.Ennobuyssome.Hemusthaveenoughmoneyforabit.

Theoldboyshufflesof.Thenheturnsround,comesbackandputstwoextrarosesonthetablenearmyplate.'Vouspermettez,monsieur?'hesaystoEnno,bowinglikeaprince.

Paris....IaminParis....

TheroomwegotinthehotelintheRueLamatinelookedallright.Itwasonthefourthfloor,thetopfloor.Therewasabigbed,coveredwitharedeiderdown,andoutsidealittlebalcony.Youcouldstandandleanyourarmsonthecoolironandlookdownatthestreet.

Wetookitandpaidamonth'srentinadvance-andthatnightwewokeupscratching,andthewallwascoveredwithbugs,crawlingslowly.

Ididn'tmindthebugsmuch.Ididn'tmindanythingthen....

'Impossible,monsieur.Maisqu'est-cequevousmeditesla?Cen'estpaspossible.Voyons'Etcetera,etcetera.

Shedidn'twanttogivethemoneyback,andafterawhileitwasarrangedthatsheshouldhavetheplacefumigatedandgiveusanotherroomwhileitwasbeingdone.Iwasgladwedidn'thavetoleave.

Iamlyingonalongchairinthemiddleoftheroom,whichstillsmellsofsulphur.Ihaveopenedthedoorandstuckapieceofpaperinitsothatitshallstayopen.Ihaveshuttheshutterstokeepthesunout.Theroomisdimandtheceilingseemstobepressingonmyhead.IhavebeengoingthroughtheadvertisementsintheFigaro,markingthoseofpeoplewhowantEnglishlessons.

Ennositsbythetable,smokinghispipe,MonsieurAlfredonthebed.Iwatchthebeadsofsweattricklingdownhisfacefromhistemplestohischin.Ihaveneverseenanybodysweatlikethat-it'sextraordinary.Everynowandagainheblowsthroughclosedlips,takesouthishandkerchiefandwipeshisface.Then,inaminute,itiswetandshiningagain.

IlikeAlfred.Oncehesaidtome:'It'sverywarmtoday.I'llmakeyoufeelcoolandhappy.'Hetookmywistandblewonit,verygently,veryregularly.Itriedtotakeitaway,didn'tbecausehehadlentusfivehundredfrancs,thenIbegantofeelcool,peaceful.

AndAlfredrecites.'Answerwithacoldsilencetheeternalsilenceofthedivinity,'hesays.Sweatinglikehell.'DoyoumindifIshutthedoor,madame?There'saterribledraughtinthisroom.'

'Ah,non,monvieux,non,'Ennosays.'Leavethedooropen.'

'Justasyoulike,'saysAlfred,fingeringhismoustachewithhislong,beautifulhands.Helooksshyandpained,'Ithoughtitwasn'tgoodformadametositinadraughtlikethis.'

'I'mnotinadraught,'Isay.'I'mallright.'

Alfredgoesonstrokinghismoustache.Hiseyeslookmalicious,inthesamewaythatawoman'seyeslooksuddenlymalicious.

Hesays,lookingmalicious:'Ithinkit'sagoodidea,madame,thisgivinglessons.'Then,speakingtoEnno:'Notabadidea,notatallabadidea.Yougettwoorthreegoodbourgeoistopayup,andafterwards-cava.Talk,saywhatyoulike,butyoucan'tdowithoutthebourgeoisie.'

Ennodoesn'tanswer.

'IfIweremarried,'Alfredsays,'Iwouldn'tletmywifeworkforanotherman.No,no.Ishouldthinkitaterribledisgracetoletmywifeworkforanyothermanbutme.Iwouldn'tdoit.Nothingwouldmakemedoit.'

'Tum'emmerdes!'Ennoyelss,jumpingup,tu'm'emmerdes,jetedis.Whatareyoutryingtosay,then?'

'Bon,bon,I'mgoing,'Alfredsays,gettingup.'Iseeyouareinabadtemper.I'mgoing.Youneedn'tshoutatme.'

'Oh,don'tgo,'Isay.

'Youshutup,'Ennosays.

'Madame,'saysAlfredfromthedoor,bowing.

Ilaughwhenhebows.Ikeeponsaying:'Isn'tthisfunny,isn'tthisfunny?'IrememberAlfredblowingonmywriststocoolthemandIcan'tstoplaughing.IgetsotiredthatIputmyheadintomyhands.

Ennosays:'I'mgoingouttobuysomethingtoeat.'

'Already?It'stooearly.'

Hegoesoutwithoutanswering,slammingthedoor.

'Youdon'tknowhowtomakelove,'hesaid.ThatwasaboutamonthafterwegottoParis.'You'retoopassive,you'relazy,youboreme.I'vehadenoughofthis.Good-bye.'

Hewalkedoutandleftmealone-thatnightandthenextday,andthenextnightandthenextday.Withtwentyfrancsonthetable.AndI'msurenowthatI'mgoingtohaveababy,thoughIhaven'tsaidawordaboutit.

Ihavetogoouttogetmyselfsomethingtoeat.Thepatronknows,thepatronneknows,everybodyknows.

Wakingupatnight,listening,waiting....

ThethirddayImakeupmymindthatheisn'tcomingback.Ablueday.ThisisthefirsttimethatIlookatthepatronneinsteadofslidingpastherwithmyeyesdown.Sheinquiresaboutmonsieur.Monsieurmaybeawayforsometime.

Blueskyoverthestreets,thehouses,thebars,thecafes,thevegetableshopsandtheFaubourgMontmatre....

Ibuymilk,aloafofbread,fouroranges,andgobacktothehotel.

Squeezingtherindofanorangeandsmellingtheoil.Alotofoil-theymustbeprettyfresh....Ithink:

'What'sgoingtohappen?'Afterall,Idon'tmuchcarewhathappens.AndjustasIamthinkingthisEnnowalksinwithabottleofwineunderhisarm.

'Hello,'hesays.

'I'vegotsomemoney,'hesays.'MyGod,isn'tithot?Peelmeanorange.''I'mverythirsty,'hesays.'Peelmeanorange.'

Nowisthetimetosay'Peelityourself',nowisthetimetosay'Gotohell',nowisthetimetosay'Iwon'tbetreatedlikethis'.Butmuchtoostrong-theroom,thestreet,thethinginmyself,oh,muchtoostrong....

Ipeeltheorange,putitonaplateandgiveittohim.

Hesays:'I'vegotsomemoney.'

Hebringsoutamillenote,asecondmillenote.Idon'taskwherehehasgotthem.Whyask?Moneycirculates;itcirculates-andhow!Why,youwouldn'tbelieveitsometimes.

Hepoursmeoutaglassofwine.'It'sfresh.I'vekeptitawayfromthesun.'

'Butyourhandsaresocold,'hesays.'Mygirl....'

Hedrawsthecurtainstokeepthesunout.

Whenhekissedmyeyelidstowakemeitwasdark.

Butitwasn'tallthatthatmattered.Itwasn'tthatheknewsoexactlywhentobecruel,soexactlyhowtobekind.ThedayIwassureIlovedhimwasquitedifferent.

Hehadgoneouttobuysomethingtoeat.IwasbehindthecurtainandIsawhiminthestreetbelow,standingbyalamppost,lookingupatourwindow,lookingforme.HeseemedverythinandsmallandIsawtheexpressiononhisfacequiteplainly.Anxious,hewas....

Thebottleofwinewasunderonearm,andhiscoatwasstickingout,becausetheloafofbreadwashiddenunderit.Thepatronnedidn'tlikeustoeatinourroom.Justonceinawhileshedidn'tmind,butwhenpeopleeatintheirroomeverynight,itmeanstheyreallyhavenomoneyatall.

WhenIsawhimlookinguplikethatIknewthatIlovedhim,andthatitwasforalways.Itwasasifmyheartturnedover,andIknewthatitwasforalways.It'sastrangefeeling-whenyouknowquitecertainlyinyourselfthatsomethingisforalways.It'slikewhatdeathmustbe.Alltheinsouciance,allthegaietyisabluff.BecauseIwantedtoescapefromLondonIfastenedmyselfonhim,andIamdragginghimdown.Allthegaietyisgoingandnowheisthinandanxious....

Ididn'twavetohim.Istayedbythecurtainandwatchedhim,andafterawhilehecrossedthestreetandwentintothehotel.

'Ican'tsleep,'hesaid.'Letmeliewithmyheadonyoursilverbreast.'

Thecurtainsarethin,andwhentheyaredrawnthelightcomesthroughsoftly.TherearelowersonthewindowsillandIcanseetheirshadowsonthecurtains.Thechilddownstairsisscreaming.

Thereisawind,andthelowersonthewindowsill,andtheirshadowsonthecurtains,arewaving.Likeswansdippingtheirbeaksinwater.Liketheincalculableraisingitshead,uselesslyandwildly,foronemomentbeforeitsinksdown,beaten,intothedarkness.Likeskullsonlong,thinnecks.Plungingwildlywhenthewindblows,totheendofthecurtain,whichistheirnothingness.Distortingthemselvesastheyplunge.

Themustysmell,thebugs,theloneliness,thisroom,whichispatofthestreetoutside-thisisallIwantfromlife.

Thingsaregoingwell.Wehavesettleddown.Ennohassoldtwoarticles.HehasbeentoseetheoldboyattheLapinAgile,andnowsingsthereeverynight.Andthereisarealjobinprospect.Apublicitycampaign,topopularizeteainFrance-Timmins'Tea.Heisveryexcitedaboutthis,andhehasdesignedaposter,whichhesayswillappealtotheFrench:'Teaisthemosteconomicaldrinkintheworld.Itcostslessthanonesouacup.'IgiveEnglishlessons.Tenfrancsanhour.Ihavethreepupils-agirlwhoworksinascentshop,amanwhoadvertisedintheFigaro,andayoungRussianwhomEnnometattheLapinAgile.HespeaksEnglishjustaswellasIdo.

IhaveboughtaBerlitzbookandfollowitblindly.Farcical,theselessons,excepttheRussian's.Heisdeterminedtogetvalueforhistenfrancs,andhedoes.

'Wouldyoutellme,please,ifIhavethe"th"correctly?'The,this,that,these,those-allcorrect.

HebringsalongacollectededitionofOscarWilde'sworksandsayshewantstoreadthemthrough.'Willyoustopme,please,ifImispronounceaword?....IthinkOscarWildeisthegreatestofEnglishwriters.Doyouagree?'

Well....'

'Ah,youdonotagree.'

'ButIdolikehim.Ithinkheisvery-sympathique.'

HemakesalittlespeechaboutEnglishhypocrisy.Preachingtotheconverted.

Thestreets,blazinghot,andeatingpeaches.Thelong,lovely,bluedaysthatlastedforever,thatstillare....

Atthecornerofthestreet,thechemist'sshopwiththeadvertisementoftheAbbeSomething'sElixir-itcuresthis,itcuresthat,itcuresthesicknessofpregnantwomen.Woulditcuremine?Iwonder.

Myfaceispretty,mystomachishuge.LasttimeweateattheAlgerianrestaurantIhadtorushawayandbesick....Peopleareverykindtome.Theygetupandgivemetheirseatsinbuses.Passe,femmesacree....Notexactlylikethat,butstill-itseemedtomethattheywerekind.Allthesame,I'mnotsomadnowaboutgoingout,andIspendlonghoursbymyself.

Thereisabookshopnextdoor,whichadvertisessecondhandEnglishnovels.TheassistantisaHindu.Iwantalong,calmbookaboutpeoplewithlargeincomes-abooklikealatgreenmeadowandthesheepfeedinginit.Butheinsistsuponsellingmeluridstoriesofthewhiteslavetraffic.'Thisisaverygoodbook,verybeautiful,mosttrue.'

ButgraduallyIgetsomebooksthatIdolike.IreadmostofthetimeandIamhappy.

Inandoutoftheroom-Lise,Paulette,Jean,AlfredtheTurk.Iwatchthem,andIneverquiteknowthem,butIloveLise.

Sheisabrodeuse-orshehasbeenabrodeuse.NowshesingsEnglishsongsinacheapcabaretintheRueCujas-RosesofPicardyandLove,HereisMyHeart.Shecan'tspeakEnglishatall.Sheistwentytwoyearsold,threeyearsyoungerthanIam.

EverythingaboutLisesurprisesme-hergentleness,herextremesentimentality,sodifferentfromwhatIhadbeenledtoexpectinaFrenchgirl.AirsfromManon,pinkgarterswithlittlesilkrosesonthem,Gyraldose....'IsittruethatEnglishwomenneveruseadouche?Myself,Iuseonetwiceaday....Andallmyunderclothesmadebyhand.Yes,everystitch.'

Shehasblack,curlyhair,averyprettyfaceand-unfortunately-thickankles....'IloveGounod'sAveMaria.Themusicislikeaprayer,don'tyouthink?....'Sheoftencomesinandeatswithus.

OnenightIamintheroomwithLise.Wehavejusthadafinemeal-spaghetticookedonthelammebleueandabottleofAstiSpumante.Iamfeelingrathergood.

Shesays:'Iwishthere'dbeanotherwar.'

'Oh,Lise,don'tsaythat.'

'Yes,Ido.Imighthaveabitofluck.Imightgetkilled.Idon'twanttoliveanymore,me.'

Thenshe'soff.Shehasnobody.Shedoesn'tthinkanybodylikesher.TheengagementintheRueCujasisfinished.Shecan'tgetanother.Shewilloncemorehavetotryforajobasabrodeuse.'Andthelightintheworkroomsisn'tsogood.Sometimesyoureyeshurtsomuchthatyoucanhardlyopenthem.'Sheisgoingtohavetogobacktolivewithhermother,whokeepsagrocer'sshopatClamart.Sheisafraidofhermother.Whenshewasalittlegirlhermotherbeather.'Foranything,fornothing.Youdon'tknow.Andallthetimeshesaysbadthingstome.Shelikestomakemecry.Shehatesme,mymother.Ihavenoone.SoonIshallhavetowearspectacles.SoonIshallbeold.'

'MyGod,Lise,you'vegotafewmoreyears,surely.Cheerup.'

'Non,j'enaiassez,'shesays.'Already.I'vehadenough.'

'Lise,don'tcry,'

'Non,non,j'enaiassez.'

Ialsostarttocry.No,lifeistoosad;it'squiteimpossible.

Sittinginfrontofthelammebleue,armsroundeachother'swaists,crying.No,lifeistoosad....Mytearsfallonherthickhair,whichalwayssmellssonice.

Enno,cominginwithanotherbottleofAstiSpumante,says:'Oh,myGod,thisisgay,'andlaughs

loudly.LiseandIlookateachotherandstartlaughingtoo.Soonweareallrolling,helplesswithlaughter.It'stoomuch,Ican'tanymore,it'stoomuch....

'PoorlittleLise,'Ennosays,'she'sanicelittlegirl,buttoosentimental.'

Pauletteisaverydifferentmatter.Sheisagay,saucywench,agreatfriendofEnno's.Iadmireandtrytocopyherandamjealousofher.

Shereadsusextractsfromletterswrittentoherbyaloverintheprovinces.'"Tuesbelleettusensbon."Well,whataboutit?Andlistentothis:"Yourbreastsfulfilthepromiseofyoureyes."He'soriginal,isn'the?AndthetwothousandfrancsIaskedyoufor-wherearethey,vieuxcon?Nevermind,he'llpartbeforeI'vedonewithhim.Waitabit.Attends,monsalaud.'

Onedaytheycameback,EnnoandPaulette,withasteakforme.Theyhadhaddinnerout.Ihadn'tgonewiththembecauseIfeltsosick,butthatwasoverandIwashungry.PaulettecookedthesteakoverthelammebleueandIateitallup.'Didyoulikeit?'shesaid.'Yes,Idid.''Youdidn'tnoticeanythingaboutit?''Inoticeditwasabittough,'Isaid.'OtherwiseIlikeditallright.''Itwashorsesteak,'shesaid.'Oh,wasit?'Theywerebothwatchingmewithnarrowedeyes,expectingmetodotheAnglaisestuff.

ButlaterIsaid:'Oh,wasit?'theirmouths,thatwerewideopentolaugh,wentsmallagain.AfterthatIthinkPauletteknewIwasn'toneofthecomfortableones,andneverhadbeen,andhadn'thadsuchagrandtimeasallthat.Afterwardsshelikedmebetter.

Intheromantictradition,Paulette.Long,yellowhair,soft,browneyes,abowlofvioletsinherroom.Whenshelooksatherselfintheglass,naked,she'sasproudasLucifer.Intheromantictradition,andverygenerous.Shebringsmepresentsofsilkstockings.SheturnsupwithseveralpairsofsocksforEnno.'I'vesnaffledthem,'shesays.'Hewon'tknow-hehastoomany.'

Shetellsusthatoneofherlovers,theCountofso-and-so,wantstomarryher,buthisfamilyisshockedandhorrified.'Voila,'saysPaulette,'jenejouepasdupiano,moi.'Sheisnotbitter-sheisregretful,fatalistic.

Besides,shehassuchbadluck-it'sFate.Forinstance,theotherdaythemotherwasactuallypersuadedtolunchwithher.Andwhathappenedastheywerewalkingoutoftherestaurant?Paulette'sdrawersfellof.

DoIbelievethis?Well,Ibelievethatbitanyway,becauseexactlythesamethinghashappenedtome.

Chucklingmadly,onthebedinthehotelintheRueLamartine,andthinkingofwhenthatmansaidtome:'Canyouresistit?''Yes,Ican,'Isaid,verycoldly.Icanresistit,justplainandNordiclikethat,Icertainlycan.'Youmustbemad,'hesaid,'mad.'(Whereisthishappening?InKensington.)Thenextthinghesaysisthathewillseemetomybus.'Stupid,stupidgirl,'hesays,doingupbuttons,andhetakesmetothebusstop.Wearestandingbyalamp-post,indeadsilence,waitingforthebus,andwhathappens?Mydrawersfallof.Ilookdownatthem,stepoutofthemneatly,pickthemup,rollthemintoalittleparcelandputthemintomyhandbag.Whatelseistheretodo?Hestaresintovacancy,shockedbeyondmeasure.Thebuscomesup.Heliftshishatwithaflourishandwalksaway.

NextmorningIrealizethatitisIwhohavelostground.Decidedly.Ifeelawfulabouteverything.Igoto

thenearesttelephoneandringhimup.'Areyouvexedwithmeaboutlastnight?'Heanswers:'Yes,Iamvexed,Iamveryvexed....I'llsendyouaboxofTurkishDelight,'hesays,andringsoff.

Wellnow,whatisit,thisTurkishDelight?Isitacomment,isitirony,isitcompensation,isitapology,orwhat?I'llthrowitoutofthewindow,whateveritis.

Nowsnowisfalling.Thereisthereflectionofsnowintheroom.Thelightmakeseverythingseemstrange.Themoundofmystomachishiddenunderthebedclothes.SocalmIfeel,watchingmyselfintheglassopposite.Myhairhangsdownonmyshoulders.Itiscurlyagainandthecornersofmymouthturnup.Ilikemyselftoday.Iamneversicknow.Iamverywellandveryhappy.Ineverthinkofwhatitwillbeliketohavethisbabyor,ifIthink,it'sasifadoorshutsinmyhead.Awful,terrible!Andthenadoorshutsinyourhead.

Ihardlyeverthinkaboutmoneyeither,orthatwhenithappensImaybealone.Iftheteajobcomesoffitwon'tdotorisklosingit.SoImaybeinParisalone.Butit'sallarranged.AssoonasitstartsIamtogetintoataxiandgooftothesagefemme.Myroomisbooked-it'sallarranged.It'snothingtomakeafussabout,everybodysays.

Wearefriendlywiththepatronne.ShewillkeepaneyeonmewhileEnnoisaway.I'llbeallright.

TheRussianforhislesson.IgaveEnnoanoteputtinghimof-hemusthaveforgottentopostit.

Helookssurprisedtofindmeinbed,theRussian-surprised,thencynical.Doeshethinkit'sallarranged,thisbeinginbed?DoeshethinkIwanthimtomakelovetome?Butsurelyhecan'tthinkthat.Ibelievehedoes,though.

Thecornersofhismouthgodownwhenhesays'femme'.(Hatredorfear?)Lesfemmes-hedoesn'ttrustthem,theyarecapableofanything.

SocalmIfeel,amusedasGod,withthehugemoundofmystomachsafeunderthebedclothes....It'snousearguing.Ashe'shere,let'sgetonwithit.

'I'mafraidthiswillhavetobethelastlesson,'Isay.

Thelightmakeseverythingseemstrange.Hekissesmyhand,andIwatchmyhandashekissesit-white,withred,varnishednails.

WearereadingLadyWindermere'sFan.

"Thelaughter,thehorriblelaughteroftheworld-athingmoretragicthanallthetearstheworldhasevershed...."Willyoustopme,please,ifImispronounceaword?'

TheEnglishconversation....HetellsmeabouttheRussianprincesswhowasshutupintheprisonofPeterandPaultobeeatenbyrats,becauseshewasarevolutionary.'Shescreamedfortendays,andthentherewassilence.Andthentheyletonedaypass,andwentintothecell.Andtherewasnothingletofherbutherhair.Shehadlongandbeautifulblackhair.'

Hisconversationisnearlyalwaysaboutpainandtorture.

HeisgoingtojoinhisfamilyinLondonandthenheisgoinguptoOxford.Theyhavebeenverylucky.Theyhaveescapedwithagooddealofmoney.The,this,that,theseandthoseareallcorrect.

'DoyouthinkEnglishpeoplewilllikeme?'

'Yes,I'mcertaintheywill....'(I'veonlygottolookatyoutoknowthatthey'lllikeyouinEngland.)

'AndmyEnglish?'

'ButyouspeakEnglishperfectly.'

Heispleasedatthis.Hesmirks.'Itrytokeepinconstantpractice,'hesays.Hegivesmethetenfrancs,kissesmyhandagain,bowsfromthewaistandgoes.Goodbye,dearsir,goodbye....

Iputthetenfrancsunderthepillow.Iputthelightout.WhileIcansleep,letmesleep.Aboatrockingonariver,asmooth,greenriver.Outside,thesecretstreets.Themanwhosings'J'aiperdulalumiere...'

....ThehouseintheBoulevardMagenta.

Thesagefemmehasverywhitehandsandclear,slantingeyesandwhenshelooksatyoutheworldstopsrockingabout.Thecloudsareclouds,treesaretrees,peoplearepeople,andthat'sthat.Don'tmixthemupagain.No,Iwon't.

Andthere'salwaysthetisaneoforange-lowerwater.

Butmyheart,heavyaslead,heavyasastone.

Hehasatickettiedroundhiswristbecausehedied.

Lyingsocoldandstillwithaticketroundhiswristbecausehedied.

Nottothink.Onlytowatchthebranchesofthattreeandthepatterntheymakestandingoutagainstacoldsky.Aboveall,nottothink....

WhenwegotbacktothehotelIfeltverytired.Isatonthebedandlookeddownatthecarpet.ExceptthatIwastiredIfeltallnight.ButIkeptthinkingofthedresshehadon-sopretty.It'llgetallspoiled,Ithought.Everythingallspoiled.

'Godisverycruel,'Isaid,'verycruel.Adevil,ofcourse.Thataccountsforeverything-theonlypossibleexplanation.'

'I'mgoingout,'Ennosaid.'Ican'tstayinhere.Imustgoout.'

Istayedthere,lookingdownatthedarkred,dirtycarpetandseeingadarkwallinthehotsun-thewallsohotitburnedyourhandwhenyoutouchedit-andtheredandyellowlowersandthetimeofdaywheneverythingstandsstill.

Nowthelightsarered,duskyred,haggardred,cruelred.Stringspluckedsoftlybyamanwithalong,thinnoseandsharp,blueeyes.

Ourluckhaschangedandthelightsarered.

Thereweallare-Lise,Alfred,Jean....Afatmanisshouting:'Labruneetlablonde,labruneetlablonde.'

Thecorkofachampagnebottlepops.Whyworry?Ourluckhaschanged.ThefatmanandIareinacornerbyourselves.

Hesays:'Lifeistooawful.Doyouknowthatstoryaboutthemanwholovedawomanwhowasmarriedtosomebodyelse,andshefellill?Andhedidn'tdaregoandaskaboutherbecausethehusbandsuspectedherandhatedhim.Sohejusthungaboutthehouseandwatched.Andallthetimehecouldn'tmakeuphismindwhetherhe'dbeacowardifhewentandaskedtoseeherorwhetherhe'dbeacowardifhedidn't.Andthenonedayhewentandasked,andshewasdead.Doesn'tthatmakeyoulaugh?Shewasdead,yousee,andhehadneversentoneword.Andhelovedherandshewasdyingandheknewshewasdyingandheneversentoneword.That'sanoldstory,butdoesn'titmakeyoulaugh?Itmightbetrue,thatstory,mightn'tit?'

(Pourquoietes-voustiste,madame?IInefautpasStretriste,madame.Youmustn'tbesad;youmustlaugh,youmustdance....)

Thefatmanisstilltalkingaway.

'MypartnerhasaveryprettywifeandforsomereasonshewasunhappyandsoshewentintotheBoisdeBoulogneandshewalkedalongwayandgotunderabigtree.Andtheresheputarevolvertoherbreastandpulledthetrigger.Didshedie?Ofcoursenot.Notabitofit.Ifyoureallywanttodieyoumustputitintoyourmouth-uptotheroofofyourmouth.Well,she'sstillinthehospital....Andjustatfirstthismadeagreatimpressiononmypartner.Hewasinanawfulstate,thinkinghowunhappyshemusthavebeentotrytokillherself.Butthatwasaweekago,andnowhe'sjustmadeuphismindthatit'sallanuisanceandthatshemadeafoolofherself,andhe'sstoppedbeingsorryforher.Isn'tlifedroll?'

Well,thereyouare.It'snotthatthesethingshappenoreventhatonesurvivesthem,butwhatmakeslifestrangeisthattheyareforgotten.Eventheonemomentthatyouthoughtwasyoureternityfadesoutandisforgottenanddies.Thisiswhatmakeslifesodroll-thewayyouforget,andeverydayisanewday,andthere'shopeforeverybody,hooray....

Nowourluckhaschangedandthelightsarered.

Aroom?Aniceroom?Abeautifulroom?Abeautifulroomwithbath?Swinghigh,swinglow,swingtoandfro....Thishappenedandthathappened....

AndthenthedayscamewhenIwasalone.

'I'llwrite,'hesaid.'I'lltrytosendyousomemoney.'

ButIknewitwasfinished.FromthestatIhadknownthatonedaythiswouldhappen--thatwewouldsaygoodbye.

Heleantoutofthecarriagewindow.Ilookedupathimandwonderedifitweretearsthatmadehiseyes

sobight.Hewasn'toneofthosemenwhocryeasily,Enno.

WhenthetrainhadgoneIhadcoffeeinabarneartheGareduNordandlookedthroughthewindowatthedarkworldandwide.

It'sonlyforatime.We'llbetogetheragainwhenthingsgobetter.Knowinginmyselfthatitwasfinished....

DidIloveEnnoattheend?Didheeverloveme?Idon'tknow.Only,itwaslaterthatthatIbegantogotopieces.Notallatonce,ofcourse.Firstthishappened,andthenthathappened....

IgotoanhotelnearthePlacedelaMadeleine.Therearealotoffliesinthisroom.Theytormentme.Ikillone.Ididn'tknowflieshavebloodjustlikeyouorme.Well,thereitlies,withitswingsstillanditslegsturnedup.Youwon'tdanceagain....

IwritetoEngland,totryandborrowsomemoney.TheykeepmewaitingalongtimeforananswerandIstarteatingataconventnearby,wherethenunssupplyverycheapmealsfordestitutegirls.Sheiskind,theoldnunincharge,orsheseemstomenotunkind.Theroomwhereweeatlooksontoalargestonecourtyard.Youcangetaquarterofwineforafewsous.

Butthere'sanEnglishvaletdechambreatthehotelwhotellsthepatronthatwhateverIcallmyselfnowhehadknownmeverywellinLondonandthatIhadcometoPariswithagreatfriendofhis,ajockey,andthatIhadtreatedhisfiendverybadlyandthatIwasthedirtiestbitchhehadeverstruck,whichwassayingsomething.Uselesstodenyallthis-quiteuseless....Wasithysteria,oracaseofhateatfirstsight,ordidhereallymistakemeforthisothergirl?Ishallneverknow.

Buthemakeslifehellforme,thisvaletdechambre.

AtlastthemoneycomesfromEngland.'Wecan'tgoondoingthis,'theysay.

'Youinsistedonitagainsteverybody'sadvice.'Andsoon....Allright,Iwon'taskyouagain.ASpartanlot,theyare.

Ileavethehotel,Ileavethequarter.ForthelasttimeIhavewashedmyknife,forkandspoonandputthemawayinthelocker.Nomoremealswiththedestitutegirls.

But,afterall,thosewerestillthedayswhenIwentintoacafetodrinkcoffee,whenIcouldfeelgayonhalfabottleofwine,whenthishappenedandthathappened.

Buttheyneverlast,thegoldendays.Anditcanbesad,thesunintheafternoon,can'tit?Yes,itcanbesad,theafternoonsun,sadandfrightening.

Now,money,forthenightiscoming.Moneyformyhair,moneyformyteeth,moneyforshoesthatwon'tdeformmyfeet(it'snotsoeasynowtowalkaroundincheapshoeswithveryhighheels),moneyforgoodclothes,money,money.Thenightiscoming.

That'salwayswhenthereisn'tany.Justwhenyouneeditthere'snomoney.Nomoney.Itgetsyoudown.

IsittruethatIammoche?God,no.Ibetitwasawomansaidthat.No,itwasn't.Itwasamansaidit.

AmImoche?No,no,you'reyoung,you'rebeautiful.

Sometimesit'squiteallright,sometimesitworks.Oftenitworks.Anddays.Andnights....

Eat.Drink.Walk.March.Backtothehotel.TotheHotelofArrival,theHotelofDeparture,theHoteloftheFuture,theHotelofMartiniqueandtheUniverse....Backtothehotelwithoutanameinthestreetwithoutaname.Youpressthebuttonandthedooropens.ThisistheHotelWithout-a-NameintheStreetWithout-a-Name,andtheclientshavenonames,nofaces.Yougoupthestairs.Alwaysthesamestairs,alwaysthesameroom.

Theroomsays:;'Quitelikeoldtimes.Yes?No?....Yes'

Afterallthis,whathappened?

Whathappenedwasthat,assoonasIhadtheslightestchanceofaplacetohidein,Icreptintoitandhid.

Well,sometimesit'safineday,isn'tit?Sometimestheskiesareblue.Sometimestheairislight,easytobreathe.Andthereisalwaystomorrow....

TomorrowI'llgototheGaleriesLafayette,chooseadress,goalongtothePintemps,buygloves,buyscent,buylipstick,buythingscostingfcs.6.25andfcs.1950,buyanythingcheap.Justthesensationofspending,that'sthepoint.I'lllookatbraceletsstuddedwithartificialjewels,red,greenandblue,necklacesofimitationpearls,cigarette-cases,jewelledtortoises....AndwhenIhavehadacoupleofdrinksIshan'tknowwhetherit'syesterday,todayortomorrow.

PARTFOUR

WhenIgointothebureauformykeythepatronnetellsmethatanEnglishmonsieurhasletanoteforme.AnEnglishmonsieur?....Yes,that'swhatsheunderstood-amonsieurfromLondon

Allo!Justdroppedintoseeyou.Everythinggoeswellwithme.Ihavehadenormousluck.IamleavingParistomorroworthedayafter.SosorryImissedyou.

Rene

AsIgetuptothefourthfloorlandingthecommisopenshisdoorandputshisheadout.'Vache!Salevache,'hesayswhenheseesme.Hisheaddisappearsandthedoorisslammed,buthegoesontalkinginahigh,thinvoice.ItakeofmycoatandhatandputawaythescentandstockingsIhavejustbought.AllthetimeIamlistening,strainingmyearstohearwhatheissaying.Thevoicestops.Aloudknock.Now,thisistoomuch,nowI'mgoingtosayafewthings.IfyouthinkI'mafraidofyou,you'remistaken.Waitabit....

Imarchtothedoorandflingitopen.

Thegigoloisoutside,lookingexcitedandpleasedwithhimself.Hetakesmyhandinbothofhis.

'Icamebefore.Didtheytellyou?....Butwhat'sthematter?Whyareyoulookingsofrightened?'

'I'mnot.I'mlookingvexed.'

'Oh,no,you'relookingfrightened.Whoareyoufrightenedof?Me?Buthowflattering!'

'Ithoughtitwasthemannextdoor.He'sbeenshoutingatme.Hegetsonmynerves.''Hewasrudetoyou?Voulez-vousquejeluicasselagueule?'hesays.

'Certainlynot.Notonanyaccount.'

'Iwillifyouwish.Icanbeusefulinmorewaysthanone.'

'GoodGod,no!Don'tdoanythingofthesort.'

'Well,perhapsbetternot.I'dbetternotgetintoarowbeforeIhavemypapers.ButIshallhavethem.That'sgoingtobeallrighttomorrow....Ilikethisroom,'hesays.'Aniceroom,acharmingroom.Nothingbutbeds.

CanIsitdown?'

'Thereareonlytwobeds.'

'Ah,yes,soIsee-onlytwo.Butsomehowitgivestheimpressionthatit'sfullofbeds....Iwaiteduphereforyounearlyanhourthisafternoon.ItoldyourlandladyIwasafiendofyoursfromLondon.IspokeEnglishtoher.AndsheaskedmeifI'dliketowaitinyourroom.'

Isupposethisexplainsthe'Vache!Salevache!'

'It'sallveryfine,butIaskedyounottocomeuphereandyousaidyouwouldn't.'

'Butwhy?Thewomandownstairsissonice....don'tunderstandyou.Shedoesn'tmindintheleast.Youcouldhavesomeoneuphereeveryhourandshewouldn'tmind.It'sashametowastethishotel,andthisroom.Very,verygoodtomakelovein,thisroom.Haveyoureallybeenwastingit?Idon'tbelieveyouhave.'Helaughsloudly.'Thoseeyes,thosedeepshadowsunderyoursadeyes-whataboutthem?'

'Notwhatyouthinkatall.Idon'tsleepwell,andItakealotofluminaltomakemesleep.'

'Poorgirl,poorgirl,'hesays,touchingmyeyes.'Andyouwon'tletmeeventrytodoanythingaboutit?'

NowIamsickofbeinglaughedat-sick,sick,sickofbeinglaughedat.Allez-vous-en,salaud.I'msickofbeinglaughedat.

HefeelsthatIamvexed.Hesaysinapolite,formalvoice:'Icametoaskyouifyou'dhaveanaperitifwithmethisevening.Pleasedo.Ishallbeverydisappointedifyoucan't.'

Veryquick,veryeasy,thatchangeofattitude,likeafishglidingwithaflickofitstail,nowhere,nowthere.

'Allright.I'llbeattheCloseriedesLilasathalf-pastseven.I'mgladyou'vebeenlucky.'

'I'vemetanAmerican,'hesaysmysteriously.'Beautiful.Andvery,veryrich.Howdoyousay-burstingwithit?'

'Lousywithit.'

'Yes,lousywithit.'

'DidyougototheRitzbar?'

'No.'

'Don'ttellmeyoumetherattheDome?''NottheDome.ThatDanishplace-youknow.Well,weweretalkingandshesaidshewantedtogoonsomewhereelsetodance.Isaid,quitefrankly-Quitefrank,youknow....'

'Ibetyouwere.'

'Isaid:"There'snothingI'dlikebetter,nothing.ButunfortunatelyatthemomentI'mpenniless-atleast,almostpenniless."Afterthatitwasallright.She'sstayingattheMeurice.It'sbeenagreatsuccess.'

'Well,it'sniceofyoutocomeallthewayoverheretotellmeaboutit.'

'That'sjustit.That'ssomethingyouwouldn'tunderstand.Butwhenyou'relivinglikeIdo,yougetverysuperstitious,andIthinkyoubringmeluck.Remember-thateveningImetyou.Iwasdiscouraged,verydiscouraged.Youbroughtmeluck.'

Theluck-bringer....Well,I'veneverthoughtofmyselfinthatwaybefore.Hetakesmyhandinhisandlooksatmyring,hiseyesnarrowing.'Nogood,'Isay.'Onlyworthaboutfiftyfrancs-ifthat.'

'What,yourhand?'

'Youweren'tlookingatmyhand,youwerelookingatmyring.'

'Oh,howsuspicioussheis,thiswoman!It'sextraordinary....Butyouwillcomethisevening,won'tyou?'

'Yes,I'llbethere.Wherewetalkedtheothernight.I'llbethereathalf-pastseven.'

Hegoesof,stilllookingtriumphant.

Istartwalkingupanddowntheroom.Ifeelexcited.Igototheglass,lookatmyself,stareatmyself,makeagrimace,lookatmyteeth.Damnthislight-howcanIseetomake-upproperlyinthislight?

Well,thereIam,prancingaboutandsmirking,andsuddenlytellingmyself:'No,Iwon'tdoathing,notathing.Alittlepride,alittledignityattheend,inthenameofGod.Iwon'tevenputonthestockingsIboughtthisafternoon.Iwon'tdoathing-notathing.Iwillnotgrimaceandposturebeforethesepeopleanylonger.'

And,afterall,theagitationisonlyonthesurface.UnderneathI'mindifferent.Underneaththereis

alwaysstagnantwater,calm,indifferent-thebitterpeacethatisveryneartodeath,tohate....

Ihavesixteenhundredfrancsleft.EnoughtopayforthedressIchosetoday,enoughtopaymyhotelbillandthejourneybacktoLondon.Howmuchover?Sayfourhundredfrancs.Itaketwohundredandfifty.Twohundredfrancsforthemeal,ifthereisameal;fiftyfrancsbehindthemirroratthebackofmyhandbag,forataxihomeincasewequarrel,incaseheturnsnasty.'Hey,taxi'-andyou'reoutofeverything.

ItimemyselftobetenminuteslateandarriveattheCloseiedesLilasattwentyminutestoeight.Ilookroundtheterrace.Nobodythere.Iwon'tgoroundthecornerandlookontheotherside.Heissuretobeindoorsonsuchacoldnight.

Averyprettygirlissittingononeofthestoolsatthebar,havingadrink.Nosignofthegigolo.

IorderaCinzano,feelingmypulse,asitwere,allthetime.AmIdisappointed,amIvexed?No,Iamquitecalm,alsoquiteconfident.He'ssomewherearound,Ithink.

Isaytoawaiter:'Isthereanybodyontheterrace'?

'Oh,no,Idon'tthinkso.It'stoocoldtonight.'

'Wouldyougoandhavealook,'Isay,quitecalm,quiteconfident.'Andifthere'sanyonewaiting,willyoupleasetellhimthatI'minsidehere.'

Inaminutehecomesback,followedbythegigolo.

'Sohereyouare.Ithoughtyou'dstoodmeup.'

'Ibetyouthoughttheworldhadcometoanend.Ibetyoucouldn'tbelieveit.'

'Well,no,Icouldn't,'hesays.'ButIwasjustbeginningtobelieveitwhenthewaitercame.I'vebeencursingyou.Yousaidwherewetalkedtheothernight,andthat'swhereI'vebeenwaiting....I'mcold.I'vehadtwoPernodstokeepmewarm,butstillI'mcold.Feelmyhands.I'mgoingtohaveanotherPernod.'

Helooksabitdrunk,butdrunkintheLatinway-veryvivid,keyed-up.

Thegirlatthebargetsofherstoolandwalksout,passingslowlyinfrontofus.

'Oh,whatabeautifulgirl!Look.Lookatthewayshewalks-thatmovementofthehips.Oh,isn'tshebeautiful?Whatalovelybodythatgirlmusthave!'

'Wouldn'tyouliketogoafterherandfindout?'Isay.'Iratherthinkthatwastheidea.'

'No,no,it'syouIwanttotalkto.'

'That'swhatI'mherefor.Goahead.'

'Whilewe'rehavingdinner,'hesays....Pauseofhalfasecondformetospeak.

Iaskhimtohavedinnerwithme.

'Thankyou,'hesays.'Tobefrank,whenI'vepaidforthislotofdrinksIshan'thavemuchmoneylet.'

'What,haven'tyougotanymoneyoutofyourAmerican?'

'Ohno,notyet,notyet.WhenIaskherforsomethingit'llbesomething.Butonemustn'tdothattooquickly,ofcourse.Shemustbeready....She'snearlyready.Ithinkperhapstomorrowshe'llbeready.'

Helooksstraightintomyeyesallthetimeheistalking,withthatairofsomeonedefyingyou.

'Wouldyougivemethemoneytopayfordinnernowinsteadofintherestaurant?'hesays,inthetaxi.'I'dpreferthat.'

'Ofcourse.Iwasgoingto.'

Igivehimthetwohundredfrancsandthecornersofhismouthgodown.'Whenyou'vesettledup-dinner,drinks,taxis,'Isay,'there'llbeabouttwofrancsleft.Iplanneditout.'

'Oh,cequ'elleestrosse,cettefemme!'

Idon'tknowwhatitisaboutthismanthatseemstomesonatural,sogay-thatmakesmealsofeelnaturalandhappy,justasifIwereyoung-butreallyyoung.I'veneverbeenyoung.WhenIwasyoungIwasstrained-up,anxious.I'veneverbeenreallyyoung.I'veneverplayed....

'I'mhungry,'hesays.'I'msohungrythatIcan'tthinkofanythingbuteating.Toeat,toeat,andafterwardswhat'sitmatter?'

'Thisisanotherofmygay,chicplaces,'Isay.'You'llsee,we'llhaveitalltoourselves.'

However,asithappens,thereareseveralotherpeoplethere,alleatingseriously.

IwanttoseemyselfinagoodlightandIgoupstairstothelavabo,oneoftheattractionsofthePigandLily.

Socleanandsoresplendent,sowelllit,withplentyoflooking-glassesandnotasoultheretowatchyou.AmIlookingallright?Notsobad.Surely,notsobad....'Atlast,'hesayswhenIcomedown.'Atlastwearegoingtoeat.'

Iamnothungry.Iexpecthenoticesthatthefoodisn'tatallgood,inthisdamnedboitethatisn'tatallgay.However,hedoesn'tseemtonotice.Heeatsalot.Hetalks.

Idon'tbelieveinhisAmerican-he'sprobablyinventedher.Andyetsomethingmusthavehappenedtomakehimfeelsopleasedwithhimselfandsosureofhimself.AlsoheseemscertainthathewillbeinLondoninafewdays.

Hetriestogetusefulinformationfromme.Nightclubs,forinstance,restaurants.Whicharetheonestogoto?EverythingisclubsinLondon,isn'tit?Clubs,clubs....Yes,everythingisclubs,clubs,clubs,clubs,clubsinLondon....Howcanhefindareallychictailor?Dothegoodonesadvertise?

'Idon'tknow.I'mthewrongpersontoaskallthis.'

'Couldn'tyougiveapartyandintroducemetoyourfriends?'Half-mocking,half-wheedling.

'Ihaven'tanyfriends.'

'Ah,toobad,toobad.'

HehasneverbeentoLondon,itseems,butheknowsallaboutit.Hehasbeentoldthisandhehasbeentoldthat.

BythetimewehavestatedonthesecondbottleofwineIhaveheardallaboutthegoldminejustacrosstheChannel.

Acurioussituation-accordingtohisfiends.Atleastfiftypercentofthemenhomosexualandmostoftheothersnotlikingitsomuchasallthat.AndthepoorEnglishwomenjustgaspingforit,oh,boy!Andaren'ttheypreparedtopay,ifyougoaboutittherightway,oh,boy!Acurioussituation.Theuntappedgold-minejustacrosstheChannel....

Iameatingverylittle,sothewinehasaneffect,andIbegintoarguewiththisoptimisticidiot.

Butattheendofmyargumentshesayscalmly:'Youtalklikethatbecauseyou'reawoman,andeverybodyknowsEnglandisn'tawoman'scountry.Youknowtheproverb-"UnhappyasadoginTurkeyorawomaninEngland"?Butformeitwillbedifferent.'

That'shisidea.Buthe'llfindoutthathewillbeupagainstracial,notsexual,characteristics.LoveisasternvirtueinEngland.(Usuallyamatterofhygiene,mydear.Theindecentnecessity-andwhowouldspendmoneyorthoughtortimeontheindecentnecessity?....Wehaveourrationofrose-leaves,butonlybecauseroseleavesareagentlelaxative.)

'Youtakecare.You'llprobablygetacigarettecaseentoewithyourinitialsonitafteralotofhardwork.'

He'ssosurethateverythingisgoingtobeallright,youhavetobesorryforhim.Andhe'ssogoodlooking,thispoordevil,soalive,gay,healthy,soasifhedidn'tdrinkmuch,soasif....Talkingawayaboutthetechniqueofthemetier-itsoundsquitemeaningless.Itprobablyismeaningless.He'sjusttryingtoshockmeorexcitemeorsomething....

It'shalfpastnine.Therewestillsit,jabbering.

'IsittruethatEnglishmenmakelovewithalltheirclotheson,becausetheythinkit'smorerespectablethatway?'

'Yes,certainly.Fullydressed.Theyadd,ofcourse,amacintosh.'

Afterthisweareproperlyoff.

'NowI'llshowyousomethingreallyfunny,'hesays.

'Lookatthisinthespoon'

'Yes.Itisratherfunny,isn'tit?'

'Icandobetterthanthat,'hesays.

Iwatchverycarefully.IfIlearnthistrick,itoughttoraisemyamusement-value.

Doyoulikethis?Doyoulikethat?Whatdoyoureallylikeworsethananythingelse?I'lltellyousomethingverycuriousIheardoftheotherday.Etcetera,etcetera....

Heisverygoodatthis-calm,indifferent,withoutaglintinhiseye.Buthisvoicegetslouder.Happilythereisonlyonelotofpeopleleftintheroom,andIdon'tthinktheyunderstandEnglish.

Buttheproprietorcertainlyunderstands.Whenhecomesupwiththecoffeehelooksatmeinahalf-pitying,half-severeway,asiftosay:'Really,really,really....Ishouldhavethoughtyou'dhavemoresensethanthis.Really,really....'HecertainlydoesunderstandEnglish.

Istarebackathim.Well,andwhataboutit,youdamnedoldgoop?Areyouasblamelessasallthat?Areyou?Ishouldn'tthinkso.Idon'tcriticizeyou,sodon'tyoucriticizeme.See?

Hewalksawayinadignifiedmanner.'Touspiques,'heisthinking,'tousdingo,tous,tous,tous....'

Allthesame,thisconversationisbecomingabitofastrain.Whatisitleadingupto?....Ah!hereitcomes.

'I'vearrangedeverything.WhileIwaswaitingforyouontheterraceIaskedthewaitertotellmeaplaceIcouldtakeyoutoasyousaidyoudidn'twanttogobacktoyourhotelwithme.HetoldmeofaverygoodplaceintheBoulevardRaspail.'

'MyGod!'Isay.'Youaskedthewaiter?'

'Yes,ofcourse.Waitersalwaysknowaboutthatsortofthing.'

'Well,that'ssomewhereelseI'llneverbeabletoshowmyfaceinagain.'

'Andthenyousayyou'renotabourgeoise!''Ididn'tsaythat.Yousaidit.'

Allthesame,he'squiteright.TomorrowImustwalkintothatcafeandgotothatsametableontheterraceandhaveadrink.ButwhenIthink'tomorrow'thereisagapinmyhead,ablank-asifIwerefallingthroughemptiness.Tomorrownevercomes.

Isay:'Tomorrownevercomes.'

'Idon'tunderstand.'

'Listen.I'vetoldyouthisfromthestart-nothingdoing.Whydoyougoonaboutit?It'sstupid.'

'Apity,'hesays,indifferently,'apity.Itwouldhavebeensonice.Youwouldn'thavebeendisappointed

inme.'

(Butsupposingyouweredisappointedinme.)

He'sclever,thisman,hefeelswhatIamthinking.

Hesays:'Youknow,youneedn'tbeafraidofme.I'dneversaycruelthingstoyou,noraboutyoueither.I'mnotcrueltowomen-notinthatway.Yousee,Ilikethem.Idon'tlikeboys;ItriedinMorocco,butitwasnouse.Ilikewomen.'

'Thenyououghttobeworthyourweightingold.Ionlyhopeyougetit.'

'Doyoulikegirls?'hesays,lookinginquisitive.

'No,Idon't.'

'What,haveyouneverinyourlifeseenagirlyoucouldhaveloved?'

'No,never....Yes,onceIdid.IsawagirlinabordelIcouldhaveloved.'

'Oh,howconvenient!'

Helaughs.Theproprietorstarts,lookstowardsus,shrugshisshouldersandturnshisback.

'Whydidyouloveher?'

'Well,'Isay,'whataquestion,anyway!'

Howonearthcanyousaywhyyoulovepeople?Youmightaswellsayyouknowwherethelightningisgoingtostrike.Atleast,that'showithasalwaysseemedtome.

'Tellmeaboutthisgirl.'

'Thereisn'tanythingtotell,exceptthatIlikedher.Shelookedawfullysadandverygentle.Thatdoesn'thappenoften.'

Heseemsmuchamused.

'Didshemakelovetoyou?'

'No,ofcoursenot,'Isay.'Certainlynot.'

'Whathappened?Dotellme.'

'Well,whileIwasthinkingthesesentimentalthoughtsafreshclientcameinandsherushedoftojointhecrowdthatwastwitteringroundhim.Youknowhowtheydo.

Iloathebordels,anyway.'

(Now,whyhasthisgirlsuddenlycomeupoutofthepast?Shewasn'tbeautiful,notastaratall.Iexpect

shedidn'thaveaverygoodtime.ButIwantedtoputmyarmsroundher,kisshereyesandcomforther-andifthat'snotlove,whatis?)

'Oh,allwomenhatebordels,'hesays.

'Ohyeah?Well,youwouldn'tthinksotohearsomeofthemtalk.Besides,don'ttellmethatI'mlikeotherwomen-I'mnot.'

'Yes,butallwomensaythattoo,'hesays.

Nowitseemstomethatthereisantagonismintheair.Itwouldbeapityifweendedwithaquarrel.

'I'mnousetoanybody,'Isay.'I'macerebrale,can'tyouseethat?'

Thinkinghowfunnyabookwouldbe,called'JustaCerebraleorYouCan'tStopMeFromDreaming'.Only,ofcourse,tobeacceptedasauthentic,tocarryanyconviction,itwouldhavetobewrittenbyaman.Whatapity,whatapity!

'Isthatyourideaofyourself?'hesays.

'Itis,certainly.'

'It'snotmineatall.Ishouldhavethoughtyouwereratherstupid.'

Thispullsmeupshort.IfhethinksmestupidnowIwonderwhathewouldsaytomyusualconversation,whichgoeslikethis:'Ibelieveit'sgoingtobefinetoday-yes,Ihopeitis-yes-yes-yes-'

'Youthinkmestupid?'Isay.

'No,no.Don'tbevexed.Idon'tmeanstupid.Imeanthatyoufeelbetterthanyouthink.'

DoI?Iwonder....Ohwell,stupid....Anextremelyfunnymonologueisgoingoninmyhead-oritseemstomeextremelyfunny.Iwanttostopmyselffromlaughingoutloud,soIsay:'We'regettingveryhightoned.Whatisacerebrale,anyway?Idon'tknow.Doyou?'

'Acerebrale,'hesays,seriously,'isawomanwhodoesn'tlikemenorneedthem.'

'Oh,isthatit?I'veoftenwondered.Well,therearequitealotofthose,andtheranksaredailyincreasing.'

'Ah,butacerebraledoesn'tlikewomeneither.Oh,no.Thetruecerebraleisawomanwholikesnothingandnobodyexceptherselfandherowndamnedbrainorwhatshethinksisherbrain.'

Sopleasedwithherself,likealittleblackboyinatophat....

'Infact,amonster.'

'Yes,amonster.'

'Well,afterallthatit'sverycomfortingtoknowthatyouthinkI'mstupid....Let'saskforthebill,shallwe?Let'sgo.'

'Irangyouuptheothermorning,'hesays.

'Yes,Iknow.Iwasasleep.Igotdowntothetelephonetoolate.'

'Youknewwhoitwas?'

'Oh,Ithoughtitmightbeyou.Iwasn'tsure.''YouhavefriendsinParis,then?'

'Idon'tknowasoulhere,excepttwoRussiansImettheotherday.Ilikethemverymuch.''Russians,'hesaysinaspitefulvoice,'RussiansinParis!Everybodyknowswhattheyare-Jewsandpoorwhites.Themostboringpeopleintheworld.Terriblepeople.'

ForsomereasonIamveryvexedatthis.IstartwonderingwhyIamthereatall,whatIamdoinginthisboxofarestaurant,swappingdirtystorieswithadamnedgigolo.Iwanttogetaway.Iwanttobeoutoftheplace.

'I'mgoingtotheExhibition,'Isay.'IwanttoseeitagainatnightbeforeIgo.'

'TheExhibition?'

'Haven'tyoubeentoit?'

'No,Ihaven't.WhatshouldIdoattheExhibition?'

'Well,I'mgoing.Youneedn'tcomeifyoudon'twantto.I'llgobymyself.'Iwanttogobymyself,togetintoataxianddrivealongthestreets,tostandbymyselfandlookdownatthefountainsinthecoldlight.

'Butofcourse,'hesays.'IfyouwanttogototheExhibition,we'llgo.Naturally.'

WegoinbytheTrocaderoentrance.Therearen'tmanypeopleabout.Cold,empty,beautiful-thisiswhatIimagined,thisiswhatIwanted.

'What'sthatlightupthere?'hesays.

'That'stheStarofPeace.Don'tyourecognizeit?'

Hestaresbackatit.

'Howmesquin!It'svulgar,thatStarofPeace.'

'Thebuildingisveryfine,'Isay,inaschoolmistress'svoice.Westandonthepromenadeabovethefountains,lookingdownonthem.ThisiswhatIwanted-thecoldfountains,thecold,rainbowlightsonthewater....Hesaysagain:'It'smesquin,yourStarofPeace.'

Westandforsometime,leaningoverthebalustrade.Heputshisarmthroughmine.Icanfeelhim

shivering.WhenItellhimsoheanswers:'Well,it'scoldhereafterMorocco.'

'Ohyes,ofcourse.Morocco.'

'Youdon'tbelieveI'vejustcomefromMorocco,doyou?'

Whateverelseisalieabouthim,it'scertainlytruethatheisn'tdressedforthisweather.

Thelightsshimmeringonthewater,theleapingfountains,coldandbeautiful....

'Whydon'tyouborrowsomemoneyfromyourAmericanandbuyyourselfanovercoat?'

'No,I'mgoingtowait.IwanttogetmyclothesinLondon.'

ForGod'ssake-he'sgoingtostatupagainabouttheaddressesofLondontailors....

'Let'sgoandhaveadrinksomewhere.That'llmakeuswarm.'

'Adrink?'hesays.'Ohyes,ofcourse.ButsupposingIdon'twanttowalkalongwayinthecoldjusttogetacheapdrink.'

Hebeginstowhistle,likealittleboywhistleswhenheistryingtokeephiscourageup-loud,clearandpure.

'What'sthattune?Ilikeit.''That'sthemarchoftheLegion,hesays,therealone.Orthat'swhatIthinkitis.ButhowshouldIknow.'

'TellmeaboutMorocco.'

'No,Idon'twanttotalkaboutit....Idon'twanttothinkaboutit,'hesaysloudly.'Comeon,let'sgoandhaveourdrink.'

'Thegoodbyeone,'Isay.

'Allright-thegoodbyeone.Butnotinhere.Let'sgetoutofhere....

Wesitsidebysideinthetaxi,nottouchingeachother.Heiswhistlingsoftlyallthetime.Iwatchthestreetsthroughthewindow.Well,thereyouare,Paris,andthisisthegoodbyedrink....

'Wherearewegoing?'hesays.

WearepassingtheDeuxMagots."Thisisallright.Let'sgoinhere.'

Thecafeisnotveryfull.Ichooseatableasfarawayfromeveryoneelseaspossible.Weordertwobrandies.

Hehastoldmethatheistwentysix,butIthinkheisolderthanthat-he'saboutthirty.Andhedoesn'tlooklikeagigolo,notatalllikeagigolo.SuddenlyIfeelshyandself-conscious.(Howridiculous!Don'tlethimseeit,forGod'ssake.)Idrinkhalfmybrandyandsodaandstarttalkingaboutthelasttime

IwasintheDeuxMagotsandhowIhadbeenstayingatAntibesandhowIcamebackverybrownandontopoftheworldandwithsomemoneytoo,andalltherest.

'MoneyIhadearned.Sansblague.Itwastoofunny.Iwroteupfairystoriesforaveryrichwoman.ShecametoMontparnasselookingforsomebodyandofcoursetherewasarush.ShechosemebecauseIwasthecheapest.ThenightIgotbacktoMontparnasse-veryrich-wecelebrated.WestartedupinthiscafebecauseIwasstayingatahotelnearhere.'

WhatwiththebrandyandsodaandgoingbacktotheDeuxMagots,thewholethingiswhirlingnicelyroundinmyhead.Shewouldcomeintomyroomveryearlyinthemorninginherdressing-gown,herhairhangingdownintwoplaits,lookingrathersweet,Imustsay.'Areyouawake,MrsJansen?I'vejustthoughtofastory.Youcantakeitdowninshorthand,can'tyou?''No,I'mafraidIcan't.'(Cheated!ForwhatI'mpayingsheoughttoknowshorthand.)

'Butifyou'lltellmewhatyouwanttosayIthinkIcangetitdown.'Ofshe'dgo.'Onceuponatimetherewasacactus-'Orawhiteroseorayellowroseoraredrose,asthecasemightbe.Allthis,mindyou,atsixthirtyinthemorning....'Thisstory',shewouldsay,lookinganxious,'isanallegory.Youunderstandthat,don'tyou?''Yes,Iunderstand.'Butshewasneververyexplicitabouttheallegory.'CouldyoumakeitaPersiangarden?''Idon'tseewhynot.''Oh,andthere'ssomethingIwanttospeaktoyouabout,MrsJansen.I'mafraidSamueldidn'tlikethelaststoryyouwrote.'OhGod,thisawfulsinkingoftheheart-likegoingdowninalift.Iknewthisjobwastoogoodtobetrue.'Didn'the?I'msorry.Whatdidn'thelikeaboutit?''Well,I'mafraidhedoesn'tlikethewayyouwrite.Whatheactuallysaidwasthat,consideringthecostofthesestories,hethinksitstrangethatyoushouldwritetheminwordsofonesyllable.Hesaysitgetsmonotonous,anddon'tyouknowanylongwords,andifyoudo,wouldyoupleaseusethem?....MadameHolmbergismostanxioustocollaboratewithme.Andshe'sarealwriter-she'sjustfinishedthethirdvolumeofherLifeofNapoleon.'Afterthisdelicatehintsheadds:'Samuelwishedtospeaktoyouhimself,butItoldhimthatIpreferredtodoit,becauseIdidn'twanttohurtyourfeelings.IsaidIwassure,ifItoldyouhisopinion,you'dtrytodobetter.IshouldhatetohurtyourfeelingsbecauseinastrangewayIfeelthatweareverymuchalike.Don'tyouthinkso?'(No,Icertainlydon'tthinkso,youpamperedchow.)'I'mawfullysorryyoudidn'tlikethestory,'Isay.

Sittingatalargedesk,awhitesheetofpaperinfrontofmeandoutsidethesunandtheblueMediterranean.MonteCarlo,MonteCarlo,bytheMed-it-er-rany-ansea-ee,MonteCarlo,MonteCarlo,wheretheboyofmyheartwaitsforme-ee....Persiangarden.Longwords.Chiaroscuro?Translucent?....Ibethe'dlikecataclysmalactionandcentrifugallux,butthepointishowcanIgetthemintoaPersiangarden?....Well,Imight.Strangerthingshavehappened....Ablanksheetofpaper....Onceuponatime,onceuponatimetherelivedalasswhotendedswine....Persiangardens.Satraps-surelytheywerecalledsatraps....It'ssolovelyoutside,andmusichasstartedupsomewhere....Grindingitout,ohGod,withallthelongwordspossible.AndthemusicoutsideplayingValencia....'Areyoustillthere,MrsJansen?Youhaven'tgoneout?I'vejustthoughtofanewstory.Onceuponatimetherelived....'

Shrewdasthey'reborn,thiswoman,hardasanail,andwithwhatasenseofproperty!She'draisehellifaspotofwinefellononeofherLouisQuinzechairs.AuthenticLouisQuinze,ofcoursetheywere.

Theyexplainpeoplelikethatbysayingthattheirmindsareinwater-tightcompartments,butitneverseemedsotome.It'sallwashingabout,likethebilgeintheholdofaship,allwashingaroundinthesamehold-nowater-tightcompartments....Fairies,redroses,thesenseofproperty-Ofcoursetheydon'tfeelthingslikewedo-Liliesinthemoonlight-Ibelieveinsurvivalafterdeath.I'vehadpersonal

proofofit.Andwe'llfindourdear,familiarbodiesontheotherside-Samuelhasforgottentobuyhissuppositories-Pitywouldbeoutofplaceinthisinstance-Inevertakepeoplelikethattoexpensiverestaurants.Quiteunnecessaryandputsideasintotheirheads.It'snotkind,really-Nevertheless,allthelittlebirdiessing-Psychoanalysismighthelp.AdlerismorewholesomethanFreud,don'tyouthink?-Englishjudgesnevermakeamistake-ThepianoisquiteEgyptianinfeeling....

Allwashingaroundinthesamehold.Nowater-tightcompartments....

Well,IamtryingtotellReneaboutallthisandgigglingagooddeal,whenhestopsme.

'ButIknowthatwoman.Iknowherverywell....

Againyoudon'tbelieveme.Thistimeyoushallbelieveme.Listen,shewaslikethis-'Hedescribesherexactly.'Andthehousewaslikethis-'Hedrawsalittleplanonthebackofanenvelope.'Herearethepalmtrees.Herearetheentrancesteps.ThatterribleEnglishbutlertheyhad-doyouremember?Thetwocabinetsherewithjade,theothertwocabinetswithacollectionofchina.Thedoublecircularstaircase-doyourememberhowtheyusedtocomedownitatnight?'

'Yes,'Isay.'"Iknowhowtowalkdownastaircase,me."

'Whichbedroomdidyouhave?Didyouhavetheoneonthesecondfloorwiththegreensatindivanintheante-chambertothebathroom?'

'No.Ihadaquiteordinaryoneonthethirdfloor.Butwhatanarrayofscent-bottles!Idreamofthemsometimes.'

'Itwasaridiculoushouse,wasn'tit?'

'Iwasverymuchimpressed,'Isay.'It'stheonlymillionaire'shouseI'veeverstayedininmylife.'

'I'vestayedinmuchricheronesthanthat.I'vestayedinonesorichthatwhenyoupulledthelavatory-plugitplayedatune....Richpeople-youhavetobesorryforthem.Theyhaven'ttheslightestideahowtospendtheirmoney;theyhaven'ttheslightestideahowtoenjoythemselves.Eithertheyhavenotasteatall,or,iftheyhaveanytaste,it'slikeamausoleumandthey'reshutupinit.'

'Wellyou'regoingtoalterallthat,aren'tyou?'

Ofcourse,there'snodoubtthatthismanhasstayedinthishouseanddoesknowthesepeople.Onewouldthinkthatthatwouldgiveusmoreconfidenceineachother.Notatall,itmakesussuspicious.There'snodoubtthatastrictanonymityisahelpontheseoccasions.

Whendidallthishappen,andwhatishisstory?DidhestayinFranceforatime,getintotroubleoverhereandthenjointheLegion?Isthatthestory?Well,anyway,what'sitmattertomewhathisstoryis?Iexpecthehasadifferentoneeveryday.

Isay:'Excusemeaminute,'primly,andgodowntothelavatory.

ThisisanotherlavatorythatIknowverywell,anotherofthewell-knownmirrors.

'Well,well,'itsays,'lasttimeyoulookedinhereyouwereabitdifferent,weren'tyou?Wouldyoubelievemethat,ofallthefacesIsee,Iremembereachone,thatIkeepaghosttothrowbackateachone-lightly,likeanecho-whenitlooksintomeagain?'Allglassesinalllavabosdothis.

Butit'snotasbadasitmightbe.Thisisjusttheintervalwhendrinkmakesyoulooknice,beforeitmakesyoulookawful.

Hesays:'You'realwaysdisappearingintothelavabo,you.C'estagafant.'

'Whatdoyouexpect?'Isay,staringathim.'I'mgettingold.'

Hefrowns.'No,don'tsaythat.Don'ttalklikethat.You'renotold.Butyou'vegottowhereyou'reafraidtobeyoung.Iknow.They'vefrightenedyou,haven'tthey?Whydoyouletthemfrightenyou?Theyalwaystrytodothat,ifitisn'tinonewayit'sinanother.'

'Thanksforthegoodadvice.I'lltrytorememberit.NowI'mallreadyforanotherone.'

'Butyousaidthatifyoudrinktoomuchyoucry'.

AndIhaveahorrorofpeoplewhocrywhenthey'redrunk.'

'Idon'tfeelabitlikethat.Neverhappierinmylife.'

Helooksatmeandsays:'No,Idon'tthinkyouaregoingtocry.Allright.'

Andhere'sanotherbrandy.Isquirtthesodainandwatchthebubblesrisingupfromthebottomoftheglass.I'lldrinkitslowly,thisone.

'Well,don'tbetoolong.Finishthat,andthenwe'llgo-'

'Whereto?'

'Well,toyourhotelortotheBoulevardRaspail.Justasyoulike....You'resuchastupidwoman,'hesays,'suchastupidwoman.Whydoyougoonpretending?Now,lookmestraightintheeyesandsayyoudon'twantto.'

'OfcourseIdo.'

'Thenwhywon'tyou?Atleasttellmewhyyouwon't.SomethingthatyouwouldlikeandthatIwouldlike-'

'Somethingsounimportant.'

'Oh,important!'hesays.'Butitwouldbenice.Atleasttellmewhyyouwon't,oristhattoomuchtoask?'

'Ohno,it'snottoomuchtoask.I'lltellyou.It'sbecauseI'mafraid.'

'Afraid,'hesays,'afraid!Butwhatareyouafraidof?

YouthinkI'llstrangleyou,orcutyourthroatforthesakeofthatbeautifulringofyours.Isthatit?'

'No,I'msureyouwouldn'tkillmetogetmyring.'

'ThenperhapsyouareafraidI'llkillyou,notbecauseIwantmoney,butbecauseIliketodobadthings.Butthat'swhereyou'resostupid.Withyou,Idon'twanttodobadthings.'

"There'salwaystheonethatyoudon'twanttodobadthingswith,isn'tthere?'

'Yes,there'salwaystheone,'hesays.'Iwanttolieclosetoyouandfeelyourarmsroundme.'

Andtellmeeverything,everything....Hehassaidthatbitbefore.

'Oh,stoptalkingaboutit.'

'Ofcourse,'hesays.'Butfirst,justasamatterofcuriosity,I'dliketoknowwhatyouaresoafraidof.Finishyourdrinkandtellme.Justasamatterofcuriosity.'

Idink.Somethinginhisvoicehashurtme.Ican'tsayanything.MythroathurtsandIcan'tsayanything.

'Youareafraidofme.YouthinkI'mmechant.YoudothinkImightkillyou.'

IfIthoughtyou'dkillme,I'dcomeawaywithyourightnowandnoquestionsasked.Andwhat'smore,youcouldhaveanymoneyI'vegotwithmyblessing....

'Idon'tthinkyou'reanymoremechantthananybodyelse.Less,probably.'

'Thenwhatareyouafraidof?Tellme.I'minterested.Ofmen,oflove?....What,still?....Impossible.'

Youarewalkingalongaroadpeacefully.Youtrip.Youfallintoblackness.That'sthepast-orperhapsthefuture.Andyouknowthatthereisnopast,nofuture,thereisonlythisblackness,changingfaintly,slowly,butalwaysthesame.

'YouwanttoknowwhatI'mafraidof?Allright,I'lltellyou....I'mafraidofmen-yes,I'mverymuchafraidofmen.AndI'mevenmoreafraidofwomen.

AndI'mverymuchafraidofthewholebloodyhumanrace....Afraidofthem?'Isay.'OfcourseI'mafraidofthem.Whowouldn'tbeafraidofapackofdamnedhyenas?'

Thinking:'Oh,shutup.Stopit.What'stheuse?'ButIcan'tstop.Igoonraving.

'AndwhenIsayafraid-that'sjustawordIuse.WhatIreallymeanisthatIhatethem.Ihatetheirvoices,Ihatetheireyes,Ihatethewaytheylaugh....Ihatethewholebloodybusiness.It'scruel,it'sidiotic,it'sunspeakablyhorrible.IneverhadthegutstokillmyselforI'dhavegotoutofitlongago.Somuchtheworseforme.Let'sleaveitatthat.'

Iknowallaboutmyselfnow,Iknow.You'vetoldmesooften.Youhaven'tleftmeoneragofillusiontoclothemyselfin.ButbyGod,Iknowwhatyouaretoo,andIwouldn'tchangeplaces....

Everythingspoiled,allspoiled.Well,don'tcryaboutit.No,Iwon'tcryaboutit....Butmayyouteareachothertobits,youdamnedhyenas,andthequickerthebetter....Letitbedestroyed.Letithappen.Letitend,thiscoldinsanity.Letithappen.

OnlyfiveminutesagoIwasintheDeuxMagots,dressedinthatdamnedcheapblackdressofmine,gigglingandtalkingaboutAntibes,andnowIamlyinginamiseryofutterdarkness.Quitealone.Novoice,notouch,nohand....HowlongmustIliehere?Forever?No,onlyforacoupleofhundredyearsthistime,miss....

Iheavemyselfoutofthedarknessslowly,painfully.AndthereIam,andthereheis,thepoorgigolo.

Helookssad.Hesays,speakinginalowvoiceandforthefirsttimewithaverystrongaccent:'Ihavewounds,'pronouncing'wounds'sooddlythatIdon'tunderstandwhathemeans.

'Youhavewhat?'

Ilookround.HaveIscreamed,shouted,cursed,cried,madeascene?Isanyonelookingatus,isanyonenoticingus?No,nobody....Thewomanatthedeskissittingwithhereyescastdown.Inoticetheexactshadeoftheblueeye-shadowonherlids.Theymustseethestartofsomefunnythings,thesewomenperchedupincafes,percheduplikeidols.EspeciallytheonesattheDome.

'Youhavewhat?'

'Look,'hesays,stillspeakinginawhisper.Hethrowshisheadup.Thereisalongscar,goingacrosshisthroat.NowIunderstandwhatitmeans-fromeartoear.Along,thick,whitescar.It'sstrangethatIhaven'tnoticeditbefore.

Hesays:'Thatisone.Thereareotherones.Ihavebeenwounded.'

Itisn'tboastful,thewayhesaysthis,norcomplaining.It'spuzzled,puzzledinanimpersonalway,asifheisaskingme-me,ofallpeople-why,why,why?

Pityyou?WhyshouldIpityyou?Nobodyhaseverpitiedme.Theyarewithoutmercy.

'Ihavetoo,'Isayinasurlyvoice.'Moiaussi.'

'Iknow.Icanseethat.Ibelieveyou.'

'Well,'Isay,'ifwe'regoingtostartbelievingeachother,it'sgettingserious,isn'tit?'

Iwanttogetoutofthisdream.

'Butwhyshouldn'twebelieveeachother?Whyshouldn'twebelieveeachotherjustfortonight?WillyoubelievesomethingI'mgoingtosaytoyounow?Iwantabsolutelytomakelovetoyou.'

'Itoldyoufromthestartyouwerewastingyourtime.'

'Whathappenedtoyou,whathappened?'hesays.'Somethingbadmusthavehappenedtomakeyoulikethis.'

'Onething?Itwasn'tonething.Ittookyears.Itwasaslowprocess.'

Hesays:'Itdoesn'tmatter.WhatIknowisthatIcoulddothiswithyou'-hemakesamovementwithhishandslikeabakerkneadingaloafofbread-'andafterwardsyou'dbedifferent.Iknow.Believeme.'

Iwatchthelittlegrimacingdevilinmyhead.Hewearsatophatandacache-sexeandhesingsasentimentalsong-'Therosesallarefadedandtheliliesinthedust.'

Isay:'Nowwho'stryingtomakeanunimportantthingsoundimportant?'

'Oh,important,unimportant-that'sjustwords.Ifwecanbehappyforalittle,forgeteverythingforalittle,isn'tthatimportantenough?....Nowwe'llgo.We'llgobacktoyourhotel.'

'No.'

Leavemealone.I'mtired....

'Stillrienafaire?'Hestartstolaugh.

'Stillrienafaire.Absolutelyrienafaire.'

Buteverythingissochanged,Ican'tlookathim.'Imustgo.Please.I'msotired.'

InthetaxiIsay:'Whistlethattune,willyou?TheoneyousaidisthemarchoftheLegion.'

Hewhistlesitverysoftly.AndIwatchthestreetsthroughthewindow.Al'Hoteldel'Esperance....

Iaminalittlewhitewashedroom.Thesunishotoutside.Amanisstandingwithhisbacktome,whistlingthattuneandcleaninghisshoes.Iamwearingablackdress,veryshort,andheel-lessslippers.Mylegsarebare.Iamwatchingfortheexpressionontheman'sfacewhenheturnsround.Nowheill-treatsme,nowhebetraysme.HeoftenbringshomeotherwomenandIhavetowaitonthem,andIdon'tlikethat.ButaslongasheisaliveandnearmeIamnotunhappy.IfheweretodieIshouldkillmyself.Myfilm-mind....('ForGod'ssakewatchoutforyourfilm-mind....')

'Whatareyoulaughingatnow?'hesays.

'Nothing,nothing....Idolikethattune.DoyouthinkIcouldgetagramophonerecordofit?

'Idon'tknow.'

Weareatthedoorofthehotel.

'Goodnight,'hesays.'Sleepwell.Takeabigdoseofluminal.'

'Iwill.Andthesametoyou.'

IamnotsadasIgoupstairs,notsad,nothappy,notregretful,notthinkingofanythingmuch.ExceptthatIseeveryclearlyinmyheadthetubeofluminalandthebottleofwhisky.Incase....

JustasIhavegottomydoorthereisaclickandeverythingisindarkness.Impossibletogetthekeyin.Imustcrossthepitch-blacklandingtotheheadofthestairsandputthetime-switchonagain.

IamfeelingfortheknobwhenIseethelightofacigaretteayardortwofrommyface.Istandforwhatseemsalongwhilewatchingit.ThenIcallout:'Whoisit?Who'sthere?Quiestla?'

ButbeforeheanswersIknow.Itakeastepforwardandputmyarmsroundhim.

IhavemyarmsroundhimandIbegintolaugh,becauseIamsohappy.Istandtherehugginghim,soterriblyhappy.Noweverythingisinmyarmsonthisdarklanding-love,youth,spring,happiness,everythingIthoughtIhadlost.Iwasafool,wasn'tI?tothinkallthatwasfinishedforme.Howcoulditbefinished?

Iputupmyhandandtouchhishair.I'vewantedtodothateversinceIfirstsawhim.

'DidIfrightenyouatfirst?'

Hehasputthelighton.Helookspleased,butsurprised.

'No,no,'Isay.'Yes,abit....No.'

ButIwhisperandlookroundfearfully.WhatdoIexpecttosee?Thereisnobodyonthelanding-nothing.Nothingbutthecommis'shoesbyhisdoor,thetoescarefullypointedoutwardsasusual.

Hetakesthekeyfrommyhand,opensthedoorandshutsitafterus.Wekisseachotherfervently,butalreadysomethinghasgonewrong.Iamuneasy,halfofmyselfsomewhereelse.Didanybodyhearme,wasanybodylisteningjustnow?

'It'sdarkinhere....Justaminute,I'llfixit.'

Theswitchinmyroomworkseitherthelightnearthebedortheoneoverthecurtainedwash-basin-itdependsonhowfartheknobispushed.Butitisalwaysgoingwronganddoingonethingwhenyouexpectittodoanother.IfumblewithitforsometimebeforeIcangetthelampnearthebedgoing.

Nowtheroomspringsoutatme,laughing,triumphant.Thebigbed,thelittlebed,thetablewiththetubeofluminal,theglassandthebottleofEvian,thetwobooks,theclocktickingontheledge,themenu-'T'ascompis?Si,j'aicompris....'Fourwalls,aroofandabed.LesHommesenCage....Exactly.

Hereweare.Nothingtostopus.Fourwalls,aroof,abed,abidet,aspotlightthatgoesonfirstoverthebidetandthenoverthebed-nothingtostopus.Anythingyoulike;anythingIlike....Nopasttomakeussentimental,nofuturetoembarrassus....Adifficultmomentwhenyouareoutofpractice-amomentthatmakesyougocold,coldandwary.

'Wouldyoulikesomewhisky?'Isay.'I'vegotsome.'

(That'soriginal.Ibetnobody'severthoughtofthatwayofbridgingthegapbefore.)

Itakemycoatandhatoff,getthebottleofwhisky.Irinsethetooth-glassout,mixmyselfadrinkandmixoneforhimintheEvianglass,whichisclean.Idoallthisasslowlyaspossible.Time,time,give

metime-waitaminute,waitaminute,notyet....

Wesitonthesmallbed.Hetakesonesipofwhiskyandputstheglassaway.

'Isn'titright?Don'tyoulikeit?'

'Yes,it'sallright.Idon'twanttodrink.'

'Minetastesawful.Ittastesofmouthwash.'

"Thenwhydoyoudrinkit?Don'tdrinkit.'

Allthesame,Igoonsippingaway.Smallsips.Notyet,notyet....Waitaminute....Youwon'tbeunkind)willyou?ForGod'ssake,saysomethingkindtome....

Buthiseyesareironicalashewatchesme.Idon'tthinkheisgoingtosayanythingkind.Onthecontrary.Butthat'snatural.I'vegottoexpectthat.Technique.

Isay:'It'sfunnyhowsomementrytogetyoutoswillasmuchasyoucanhold,andotherstrytostopyou.Automatically.Someprofoundinstinctseemstogetgoing.Somethingracial-yes,I'msureit'sracial.'

Hesays:'Justnowonthelanding-youknewitwasme?'

'Yes,ofcourse.'

'ButhowcouldyouhaveknownbeforeIsaidanything?'

'Ididknow,'Isayobstinately.

'ThenyouknewthatIwascomingupafteryou.Youexpectedmeto?'

'Ohno,Ididn't.Ididn'tabit.'

Helaughsandputshishandonmykneeundermydress.Ihatethat.Itremindsmeof-Nevermind....

'Youloveplayingacomedy,don'tyou?'

'Howdoyoumean-acomedy?'Ishouldn'thavetakenwhiskyontopofbrandy.It'smakingmefeelquarrelsome.Sparksofanger,ofresentment,shootingalloverme....Acomedy,whatcomedy?

Acomedy,myGod!Thedamnedroomgrinningatme.Theclockticking.

Qu'est-cequ'ellefoutici,lavieille?

'I'mgoingtohaveanotherwhisky.''No,don'tdrinkanymore.'

Oh,gotohell....Ipushhishandawayandgetup.

'Tellmesomething.YouthinkthatImeantyouallthetimetocomeuphere,andthateverythingelseI

saidthiseveningwaswhatyoucallacomedy?'

'Iknewyoureallywantedmetocomeup-yes.Thatwaseasytosee,'hesays.

Icouldkillhimforthewayhesaidthat,andforthewayheislookingatme....Easy,easy,freeandeasy.Easytofool,easytotorture,easytolaughat.Butnotagain.Ohno,notagain....You'vebeenunkindtoosoon.Badtechnique.

'Hooray,'Isay,'here'stoyou.ItwassweetofyoutocomeupandIwasverypleasedtoseeyou.Nowyou'vegottogo.'

'OfcourseI'mnotgoing.Whyareyoulikethis?Don'tbelikethis.'

'No,it'snouse.I'dratheryouwent.'

'Well,I'mnotgoing,'hesays.'Iwanttoseethiscomedy.You'llhavetocallforsomeonetoputmeout.

Ausecours,ausecours,'heshoutsinahighfalsettovoice.'Likethat....Ifyouwanttomakeyourselfridiculous.'

'I'vebeensoridiculousallmylifethatalittlebitmoreoralittlebitlesshardlymattersnow.'

'Callout,then.Goon.Orwhydon'tyouraponthewallandaskyourfriendnextdoortohelpyou'

AssoonashesaysthisIamveryquiet.IfthereisonethingonearthIwanttoavoid,itisasceneinthishotel.

'Idon'twanttohavearowhere,'Isay.'Onlyyou'vegottogo.'

'Why?'

'Well,becauseItellyoutogo.Andyou'llgo.'

'Justlikethat?'

'Yes,justlikethat.'

'ButwhatdoyouthinkIam-alittledog?Youthinkyoucanfirstkissmeandthensaytome"Getout"?

Youhaven'tlookedwellatme....Idon'tlikeit,'hesays,'thatvoicethatgivesorders.'

Well,Ihaven'talwayslikedit,either-thevoicethatgivesorders.

'Verywell,Iaskyoutogo.'

'Oh,youannoyme,'hesays.'Youannoyme,youannoyme.'Andthereweare-strugglingonthesmallbed.Myideaisnotsomuchtostruggleastomakeitasilentstruggle.Nobodymusthearus.Attheend,heislyingonme,holdingdownmytwospreadarms.Ican'tmove.Mydressistornopenattheneck.ButIhavemykneesfirmlyclampedtogether.Thisisagame-agameplayedinthesnowfora

worthlessprize....

HeisbreathingquicklyandIcanfeelhisheartbeating.Iamquitecalm.'Thisisreallyabitcomic,'Ikeepthinking.AlsoIthink:'Helooksmechant,hecouldbemechant,thisman.'

IshutmyeyesbecauseIwanttostaycalm,Iwanttobeabletokeepthinking:'Thisisreallydamnedcomic'

'We'reonthewrongbed,'Isay.'Andwithallourclotheson,too.JustlikeEnglishpeople.'

'Oh,wehavealotoftime.Wehaveallnight.Wehavetilltomorrow.'

Alongtimetilltomorrow.Ahundredyears,perhaps,tilltomorrow....

Hecomesin.Heshutsthedoorafterhim.

Ilieverystill,withmyarmovermyeyes.AsstillasifIweredead....

Idon'tneedtolook.Iknow.

Ithink:'Isitthebluedressinggown,orthewhiteone?That'sveryimportant.Imustfindthatout-it'sveryimportant.'

Itakemyarmawayfrommyeyes.Itisthewhitedressinggown.

Hestandsthere,lookingdownatme.Notsureofhimself,hismeaneyesflickering.Hedoesn'tsayanything.ThankGod,hedoesn'tsayanything.Ilookstraightintohiseyesanddespiseanotherpoordevilofahumanbeingforthelasttime.Forthelasttime....

ThenIputmyarmsroundhimandpullhimdownontothebed,saying:'Yes-yes-yes....'