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Repeating the Trauma: Unconscious Factors that Determine Contemporary

LifeJanuary 18, 2014

James Tobin, Ph.D.Licensed Psychologist, PSY 22074

www.jamestobinphd.com

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The Car in the Parking Lot Story

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It was determined!!

This is different from “fate” (which implies pre-determinism).

Determinism is closer to the idea of, “Everything happens for a reason.”

Things do not happen randomly, as much as we might wish to believe that it is the case.

Why Did This Occur?

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The work of Ross Rosenberg demonstrates the magnetic connection between the narcissist and the codependent.

The bond is pursued no matter how drama-filled and painful it is.

The Narcissist-Codependent Bond

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We Cannot “Control” Our Feelings and Desires

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The Major Concept of the “Double Your Dating” Program for Men

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Freud was the first to realize this; as early as the 1890s, he theorized that our rational, thinking mind is relatively small/powerless in comparison to the strong motivational influence of the unconscious.

The Unconscious

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Most People Who Present to My Practice ... They realize/see the “bad choices” they are

making, but they seemingly can’t do anything about it.

They often talk about this in terms of

patterns, i.e., “I date the same wrong man (or woman) over and over, but no matter how hard I try I seem to find him/her again despite my best efforts not to.”

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The reason why this is so common is due to the dominance in our minds of the unconscious programming that literally takes away our free will.

Free Will

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The Unconscious Mind: Programming This unconscious programming is our

software: it is not only the operating system of ours minds and hearts, but also everything that happens to us – it literally determines our experience.

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Attempts to Explain this Dynamic

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The Psychological Explanation

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Mother and Infant

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The mind forms at the moment relational trauma occurs, i.e., the infant does not have his/her needs met immediately and perfectly.

Human existence is trauma-based. Once trauma occurs, the mind begins to

develop.

The Birth of the Human Mind

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As relational traumas occur, the “ego” is activated and begins its lifetime job of producing adaptations/defenses.

The ego is a product of evolution: it is in place to promote our survival and our capacity to adapt to the demands of reality.

The Ego

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The adaptive instinct is so powerful that you can think of the ego as the strongest muscle of the mind.

The Adaptive Instinct

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As the child grows, the ego continues to mature in its capacity to adapt to REALITY (e.g., which consist largely of relational traumas).

Ideally, the demands of reality will not be

too great and also will not be too weak/too diluted, thus allowing the ego to mature in a reasonable fashion.

The Development of the Ego

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The child has to adapt to the mother .... the ego is tilted or oriented around appealing to her (as much as possible) so that the child’s needs are met.

But Even in Ideal Situations ...

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The child “reads” mother and adjusts/adapts to her by compromising the self -- the child becomes something it is not (this in inevitable in all of us).

The compromise of the self occurs to a greater or lesser degree, depending on the characteristics of mother and child, the dynamic between them, and the relational traumas that occur.

The Operating System (Software) Getting Set Up

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As personality evolves into adolescence and young adulthood, the self coalesces into three parts:

(1) the compromised (“false”) self;(2) the non-compromised (“true”) self;(3) the part of the true self that was

not given the opportunity to develop (“the lost self”).

Personality

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The False Self

The True Self

The Lost Self

The Self in Adulthood

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The evolutionary (survival) genes in our DNA are so strong that we are programmed to adapt (the compromised, false self is activated) over and over again, resulting in the false self becoming habituated.

The compromised (false) self centers around a major traumatic relational theme.

The false is stronger and predominates over the true and the lost parts of the self.

The False Self

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#1) Our compromised (false) self assumes that relational trauma will occur (often erroneously) and, due to this fear, the false self is perpetually activated even when it is not needed.

So We Are Walking Around with Two Major Problems

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Kim Bassinger’s character finally arrives at the home of a painter; she sits next to him on a bench as he is examining a fish he just caught ... she tells him his paintings are beautiful because they somehow capture a moment; he responds: “It is the moment, a thing that is so familiar, it is strange.”

The Movie “9 ½ Weeks”

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#2) The adaptations habitually generated by the false self are not flexible – every real or imaginary trauma is approached in the same way.

So We Are Walking Around with Two Major Problems

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During childhood, Cindy is shamed by her mother when she expresses her needs (her mother yells at her or ignores her when Cindy’s needs become too taxing for the mother) .... this occurs over and over again and is the relational trauma that defines Cindy’s life.

As an adult, what will be Cindy’s False Self, True Self, and Lost Self?

Example: “Cindy”

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“My needs are too great, overwhelm others, and are not even valid. I will make sure NOT to express them anymore and will be independent and not a bother.”

The Compromised (False) Self

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“I enjoy revealing what I need to another; I am able to be honest and direct about what I need and want.”

The True Self

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“When my needs are responded to, I feel legitimized and loved and it makes me want to share more of myself and also respond to the needs of others.”

The Lost Self

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Cindy’s Romantic Life: Four Relational Paradigms (and One Outcome)

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Ron will be a lot like Cindy’s mother, i.e., easily taxed at having to respond to Cindy’s needs.

With the choice of Ron, Cindy repeats the relational

trauma that has defined her life (this is a familiar relationship for her).

There are many theories as to why this occurs, including the strong press of the compromised (false) self to continue to find familiar circumstances to adapt to and the fear of the true and lost selves being activated.

Paradigm #1: Ron

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Bill is nothing like Cindy’s mother.

With the choice of Bill, Cindy’s relational trauma is not likely to be repeated.

The compromised (false) self is de-activated and the true and lost selves are activated, which Cindy is not accustomed to.

As a result, Cindy feels no chemistry or sexual attraction toward Bill, or refuses to see him anymore for any number of reasons.

Paradigm #2: Bill

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Henry is not really all that similar to Cindy’s mother, though he does share some qualities. with her.

With the choice of Henry, Cindy’s relational trauma is not likely to be repeated and the compromised self will begin to be de-activated.

This is undesirable, so Cindy induces Henry to be like her mother and treat her as the mother did – and Henry does.

Cindy’s relational trauma is re-created and repeated, and so her compromised (false) self is activated.

Paradigm #3: Henry

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Early in life we adapt to the relational traumas we are exposed to.

The ego builds with each adaptation, as the true and lost selves recede.

The compromised (false) self is stronger and more predominant than the true and lost selves.

In adulthood, we are literally programmed to adapt (to live with a compromised facade), and when we are not adapting we feel uncomfortable and exposed. We seek to adapt, even when we don’t have to.

Summary

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Adult life then amounts to an ongoing series of circumstances in which we are adapting to people and situations that are not inherently traumatizing, and/or we are inducing people or situations to traumatize us in ways that our adaptations are accustomed to addressing.

Either way, relational trauma is repeated over and over again.

Summary

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What about the Car in the Parking Lot?

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The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-BeingDANIEL J. SIEGEL

The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment And the Developing Social BrainLOUIS COZOLINO

The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic

TraumatizationONNO VAN DER HART, ELLERT R. S.

NIJENHUIS, KATHY STEELE

There is a 4th Paradigm: Interpersonal Neurobiology

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Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self & Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self

ALLAN N. SCHORE

Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the SelfALLAN N. SCHORE

Affect Regulation and the Repair of the SelfALLAN N. SCHORE

Healing Trauma: Attachment, Mind, Body and BrainDANIEL J. SIEGEL, MARION SOLOMON

Interpersonal Neurobiology

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Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple TherapyMARION SOLOMON, STAN TATKIN

The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy: Healing the Social BrainLOUIS COZOLINO

From Axons to Identity: Neurological Explorations of the Nature of the SelfTODD E. FEINBERG

Infant/Child Mental Health, Early Intervention, and Relationship-Based Therapies: A

Neurorelational Framework for Interdisciplnary PracticeCONNIE LILLAS, JANIECE TURNBULL

Interpersonal Neurobiology

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Healing the Traumatized Self: Consciousness, Neuroscience, TreatmentPAUL FREWEN, RUTH LANIUS, BESSEL VAN

DER KOLK, ET AL.

Neurobiologically Informed Trauma Therapy with Children and Adolescents: Understanding Mechanisms of Change

LINDA CHAPMAN

Loving with the Brain in Mind: Neurobiology and Couple TherapyMONA DEKOVEN FISHBANE, DANIEL J.

SIEGEL

Interpersonal Neurobiology

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Body Sense: The Science and Practice of Embodied Self-AwarenessALAN FOGEL

The Archaeology of Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human Emotions

JAAK PANKSEPP, LUCY BIVEN

Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of Caregiving for Healthy Attachment

DANIEL A. HUGHES, JONATHAN BAYLIN, DANIEL J. SIEGEL

Interpersonal Neurobiology

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Ours is a Social Brain

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Our brains and bodies put forth a series of complex, nonverbal and unconscious communications that are read by others.

“Aura”

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We see something similar in the animal kingdom, where the weakest animal in a pack is sensed, identified and hunted (survival of the fittest).

In humans, it’s a bit different: the aura promotes our survival by cuing others to traumatize us so that we can maintain our adaptations (conversely, if others were cued to promote our true or lost selves, we would be threatened and great anxiety would ensue).

“Aura”

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The patient is programmed to adapt (use a facade or adapt to an actual or assumed trauma) vs. have his/her true self or lost self acknowledged.

The therapist promotes the true and the lost

over the facade, just as a lover senses his/her partner’s anxiety about living without trauma (and preference for maintaining a compromised/false self).

This is the Nature of the Therapeutic Relationship or any Intimate Bond

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Our compromised (false) self must be gradually reduced in intensity and power (what has become so familiar is suddenly strange).

This occurs in part by discovering how we falsely assume the potential to be injured and also how we induce others (and are induced) so that we end up becoming re-traumatized.

Implications

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It also occurs by realizing the nature of our relational traumas and how we managed them at a primitive level.

The aura of our relationally traumatic past will never fully disappear so we must understand in detail how people are likely to “view” us.

By doing this, there are ways to interfere with the aura.

Implications

James Tobin, Ph.D.Licensed Psychologist PSY 22074220 Newport Center Drive, Suite 1Newport Beach, CA 92660949-338-4388

Email: jt@jamestobinphd.com Website: www.jamestobinphd.com