Sucking the Poison OutRemoving Negativity from Interaction

By Darius Contractor

Why I’m Interested

At work and in life, I see negativity: Grind teams to a stop Deplete energy Crowd out happy moments

No fun. So I set out to understand and eliminate it

But first: Negativity=Awesome!

Communicating pain is the

that dissolves painful realities.

Sharing honesty is the keystone of a good relationship.

Connecting with our own negative thoughts lets them float away…“Our wounds are often the opening to the best and most beautiful part of us.” – David Richo

acid

So When Remove Negativity?

When the acid is dissolving the wrong things. Negativity should destroy Behaviors and Limits Not Trust, Confidence, or Hope

When it’s Mu*lti*pl*ing Transitively – Person B making Person C Wrong Internally – Escalating to Belief & Identity

When… it’s….. just….. so…. Exhausting…

When its disrupting floooo | oooow

Why “Sucking the Poison Out”?

Because to remove negativity from a situation, you must:

gather it,

hold it,

and dispose of it.

(Without spilling it if someone bumps you)

Like cleaning up cups at a party.

How

Go to presentation about negativity

Sensitivity

Careful Delivery

Agree More

Re-route It

Keep Positive

Tuning your Neg-o-meterLeft hand = negative, right hand = positive

Rate each below, -5 to +5:

“Wow, you crushed it”

“I can’t believe you sometimes”

“I told you so”

“I’m so glad you’re here”

“Thanks”

“Thank you”

“Your idea didn’t work”

Delivering Bad News

Sandwich – Good, Bad, Good

Extended Sandwich – Good feedback constantly, Bad feedback sparingly

Agree Better

Renegotiate agreements before they’re due

Always get something

Zipper concept – agreed wide, narrow down to issues

For more: The Corporate Mystic by Gay Hendricks

Re-routing Negativity Mantras can show the value of painful realities:

“Release fast and Break stuff” (ie “this is forward progress”)

“Every cloud has a silver lining” (ie “what can I enjoy?”)

Create a safe place for expression/action of feelings Writing, art, exercise, therapy, friends, etc

Avoid communicating problems to off-load them

Keeping it positive

Slice off time for yourself. Cooks have to eat too.

Relationship research shows couples need 80% of interactions to be positive to make it.

Office research shows the best teams are 85% positive.

For more: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by Gottman

http://blogs.hbr.org/schwartz/2012/01/why-appreciation-matters-so-mu.html

#1

Gratitude

#1

GratitudeNotice what others do right

Feel Proud of yourself

Look downward as well as upward

Thank those who helped, taught, and challenged you.

Find something to appreciate: helping, trying, hoping, showing up, being.

“Without you here X and Y wouldn’t get done”

Thank you

Questions / Comments?

Darius - d@rius.com - @dariusmc