RED AND BLUE AMERICA

SPORTS

DIVORCE AND BIRTH RATES

• Six of the seven states with the lowest divorce rates in 2007, and all seven with the lowest teen birthrates in 2006, voted blue in both elections.

• Six of the seven states with the highest divorce rates in 2007, and five of the seven with the highest teen birthrates, voted red.

• Jonathan Rauch

FOREIGN FILMS

INFORMATION AGE

• Blue norms are well adapted to the Information Age.

• They encourage late family formation and advanced education.

• They produce prosperous parents with graduate degrees, low divorce rates, and one or two over-protected children.

• Jonathan Rauch

RECYCLING

WILDERNESS

VACATIONS

1. Which bumper sticker would you most likely put on your car?

• A. Nice Hummer—Sorry About Your P**** • B. Democrats: Cleaning Up Republican

Messes Since 1933 • C. Jesus Was A Hippie • D. Abolish Corporate Personhood • E. Evolution Is Just A Theory…Kind Of

Like Gravity • F. Honk If My Taxes Support Your Whiny

Teabagging Ass

• A. Global warming deniers—for continuing to reject reality despite rising oceans off the coast of Kansas

• B. Bible-thumping puritans—for attempting to ban abortion, gay people, and sex

• C. Rick Perry—for actually seceding Texas from the Union and legalizing the hunting of humans for sport/capital punishment/reality TV

• D. Corporate America—for attempting to buy naming rights to the Exxon Mobil/Goldman Sachs/Wal-Mart States of America

• E. Fox News—for promoting a “fair and balanced” overthrow of the government with a flashy “March to Civil War” logo and theme music

• F. Sarah Palin—for her “Civil War in America” bus tour, where she raised an army of mindless followers, led them across a bridge to nowhere, and then quit halfway through

2. A second civil war has just broken out in America. Who is to blame?

• A. An Inconvenient Truth, by Al Gore• B. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by

Douglas Adams• C. The Courage to Survive, by Dennis Kucinich • D. A People’s History of the United States, by

Howard Zinn• E. Origin of Species, by Charles Darwin• F. I Am America (And So Can You!), by Stephen

Colbert

3. An asteroid is headed for Earth. You have a seat on the last shuttle off the planet. If you could bring only one book with which to build a future civilization, what would it be?

• A. That hemp is illegal. Come on, what wasn’t clear about the “pursuit of happiness”?

• B. That people think guys who wore powdered wigs and Capri pants were against gay marriage

• C. The military-industrial-evangelical complex • D. That the Bush-packed Supreme Court thinks

corporations are people too • E. That today’s Tea Party is the total opposite of their

Tea Party • F. That 60 million people punched ballots with Sarah

Palin’s name on it in ’08

4. If the Founding Fathers were alive today, they would be most appalled by which of the following?

• A.T he day BP began spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico—with a giant ShamWow

• B. The day the Supreme Court anointed George W. Bush president—with a video montage recapping the disasters of 9/11, two botched wars, Katrina, and the financial collapse

• C. The 1967 Summer of Love—with a truckload of condoms • D. The day Monica Lewinsky brought Bill Clinton pizza—with a dry-

cleaning coupon• E. Honolulu, Hawaii, August 4, 1961—with a video camera to

capture Obama’s birth on film and shut the birthers up once and for all

• F. The day that Dick Cheney was first seduced by the Dark Side of the Force—with a lightsaber

5. If you could time-travel back to any historical event and bring one thing with you, what would you choose?

• A.“It’s Not Easy Being Green,” by Kermit the Frog

• B.“Fight the Power,” by Public Enemy • C.“Let Them Eat War,” by Bad Religion • D.“Take This Job and Shove It,” by Johnny

Paycheck • E.“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,”

by U2 • F.“It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I

Feel Fine),” by R.E.M.

6. If you were a candidate for political office, what would your theme song be?

• A. I wish more people cared about Earth as much as they cared about who they believe created it.

• B. Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus.

• C. Reagonomics: convincing poor people they can become rich by giving rich people more money.

• D. Trying to pick my favorite Republican candidate is exactly like deciding which STD would be just right for me.

• E. The only people who don't accept the theory of evolution are those who have not yet themselves begun the process.

• F. I thought about voting Republicans once, but then I just decided to buy a Bible, dump oil in a National Park, and give my money to a rich person…figured just cut out the middle man.

7.Which of the following statements do you most strongly agree with?

• A. The CEOs of BP, Exxon Mobil, and Chevron—for fouling our air, poisoning our oceans, and melting our ice caps

• B. Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Alito—for working to roll back most of the social progress achieved over the last century

• C. George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, and Jeb Bush—for past and future crimes against humanity

• D. Wall Street bankers—for turning the stock market into a rigged casino and robbing us blind

• E. Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Glenn Beck—for being ignorant douche bags and lying to other ignorant douche bags

• F. Rick Perry, cancer, and cigarettes—for sending more people to the grave than a death panel

8. Which of the following groupings of people would you most like to see

"Occupied" by a 24-hour drum circle?

• A. Texas—execution-happy breeding ground for idiot presidents and fossil fools

• B. The South—home to Civil War-reenacting knuckle-draggers and Confederate flag-waving bigots

• C. NASCAR country—home to chest-thumping, flag-waving jingoists and beer-swilling yahoos

• D. Wall Street—home to greed-mongering, Ponzi-scheming white collar crooks

• E. The Bible Belt—home to Rapture-ready, God-misappropriating evangeliclowns

• F. Arizona—home to gun-toting racists and rogue cops itching to racially profile anyone who’s a shade south of white, as well as really old people who drive slow and won’t get out of the fast lane

9.What region of the country would you most like to see kicked out of the Union?

10. If you could chisel any Americans, living or dead, onto Mt. Rushmore, who would you choose?

• A.Al Gore, Robert Kennedy Jr., John Muir, and a giant compact fluorescent light bulb

• B.Cesar Chavez, Rosa Parks, Harvey Milk, and Angelina Jolie

• C.Martin Luther King Jr., Bob Dylan, Michael Moore, and George Clooney

• D.Bill, Hillary, Barack, and Oprah • E.Rachel Maddow, Keith Olbermann, Al

Franken, and “President” Martin Sheen • F.Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, and

Conan O’Brien

11.Which bumper sticker would you most likely put on your car?

• A. If You’re Gonna Burn Our Flag, Wrap Yourself In It First

• B. Honk If I’m Paying Your Mortgage• C. I’ll Keep My Guns, Freedom, And

Money. You Can Keep The “Change.”• D. In Case Of Rapture, This Car Will Be

Unmanned• E. Another Former Fetus For Life• F. I’d Rather Be Waterboarding

12.If the Founding Fathers were alive today, they would be most appalled by which of the following?

• A. President Obama’s inexplicable need to bow to every world leader

• B. Democrats’ failure to see that the problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people’s money

• C. That a Kenyan-born Muslim stole a presidential election

• D. The hijacking of our culture by Hollywood perverts• E. Reality TV• F. The blame-America-first crowd that doesn’t know how

to wage war on exploding underpants

13. An asteroid is headed for Earth. You have a seat on the last shuttle off the planet. If you could bring only one book with which to build a future civilization, what would it be?

• A. Patriots and Pinheads, by Bill O’Reilly

• B. The Wealth of Nations, by Adam Smith

• C. Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand

• D. The Bible

• E. Going Rogue, by Sarah Palin

• F. The Art of War, by Sun Tzu

14. A second civil war has just broken out in America. Who is to blame?

• A.Barack Obama—for issuing an executive order to outlaw handguns and raise taxes on Coors Light

• B.Tax-and-spend liberals—for taking the “free” out of the free market and the “capital” out of capitalism

• C.Liberal socialists—for attempting to create a government of, by, and for gay Marxist Muslim illegal immigrants

• D.Bible-bashing secularists—for trying to ban God and for provoking His wrath

• E.Planned Parenthood proponents—for encouraging our young people to fornicate like rabbits on Ecstasy, all in the name of so-called “public health”

• F.Liberal terrorist appeasers—for letting America’s guard down and planning to respond to the next terror attack with a strongly worded letter

15.If you could time-travel back to any historical event and bring one thing with you, what would

you choose?

• A. The day of Obama’s birth in Kenya—with a video camera

• B. The beginning of the 1990s bull market—with today’s stock quotes

• C. Ronald Reagan’s inauguration—with a cloning device

• D. The day Roe vs. Wade was decided—with Chief Justice John Roberts

• E. The Palin/Bachmann inauguration—with confetti

• F. September 10, 2001—with a no-fly list

16.If you were a candidate for political office, what would your theme song be?

• A. “Made in America,” by Toby Keith• B. “Money (That’s What I Want),” by The Beatles• C. “Won’t Get Fooled Again,” by The Who• D. “Spirit in the Sky,” by Norman Greenbaum• E.“I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do

That),” by Meat Loaf• F.“America, F**k Yeah”—theme song from Team

America: World Police

17.You have a hot date with Ann Coulter, and she asks you to bring over dinner and a movie. What

do you bring?

• A. Cheeseburgers, Freedom Fries, and Red Dawn with Patrick Swayze

• B. Filet mignon, champagne, and Wall Street with Michael Douglas

• C. Freshly hunted venison, Budweiser, and Forrest Gump with Tom Hanks

• D. Fish, wine, and The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston

• E. Chicken-fried steak, eggs, and The Undefeated with Sarah Palin

• F. U.S. military MREs, sodium pentothal, and 300

18.What region of the country would you most like to see kicked out of the Union?

• A. The Northeast—home to America-blaming apologists and ivory-tower-dwelling elitists

• B. Inner cities—home to deadbeat crackheads and social welfare parasites

• C. Washington, D.C.—home to incompetent crooks and liars who have usurped power from the people

• D. The Left Coast—home to religion-bashing, tree-hugging sodomites and sinners

• E. Hollywood—home to culture-perverting, values-defiling celebricrats

• F. All the blue states—home to spineless, sushi-eating, terrorist-coddling, freedom-hating socialists who’d be happier living in France

19.If you could issue an executive order, which of the following would you most like to see happen?

• A. Ban all automated phone systems that make you push “1” for English

• B. Ban government bailouts and Marxist takeovers of major corporations

• C. Require all presidential candidates to produce a valid birth certificate proving they are natural-born citizens

• D. Require all government buildings to display the Ten Commandments, and have all government officials follow them

• E. Ban marriage between any same-sex persons, places, or things• F. Make it legal to detain anyone with a Muslim-sounding name and

strip-search them for underwear bombs before boarding any plane, including Air Force One"

20.If you could chisel any Americans, living or dead, onto Mt. Rushmore, who would you

choose?

• A. Dale Earnhardt, Johnny Cash, Chuck Norris, and Hank Williams Jr.

• B. Exxon Mobil, Goldman Sachs, Halliburton, and Koch Industries (corporations are people too!)

• C. Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, and Glenn Beck

• D. Revs. James Dobson, Rick Warren, Joel Osteen, and Carrie Prejean

• E. Mike Huckabee, Michele Bachmann, Bill Bennett, and Phyllis Schlafly

• F. Ronald Reagan, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, and Jack Bauer