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/\\ /\\ /\\ /\\ // \\ // \\ EPHISTO // \\ // \\ ADWARE // \// \\ // \// \\

-= and =-

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Mephisto Madware/Red Menace Productions

Present:

"Real Pez Devotees" ~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~ by:

(who else?) Mr. Pez ~~~ ~~~

Now, as the swirl of text graphics finishes, you realize that what youhave is another annoying file from Mr. Pez. "Ah," you say, "but I haven'tSEEN any files from Mr. Pez!" To which I counter, "My annoying personalityon the many boards I call, not to mention 75-line messages, can beconsidered to be files." And this file tells you how to be JUST LIKE yourfavorite candy/dispenser combo.

first part: Real Pez Devotees as Sysops

Real Pez Devotees will be sysops in the near future, and have alwaysbeen that way.

Real Pez Devotees, if sysops, want to know everything about theirusers, like real names and stuff.

Real Pez Devotees don't mind leeching, if done in mild amounts, sincethey know that leeching is how they got all theirfiles.

Real Pez Devotees really love uploads. ("What the hell is this shit?ALL sysops love uploads!") (Ah, my misguided friend,

Real Pez Devotees are eternally grateful.)

Real Pez Devotees never have the heart to delete users who quiteobviously are fake, like users who call themselves"BIOC AGENT 003", on the off chance that they mightbe the real person.

Real Pez Devotees, if finally given sysop access, say so everywhere,and beg people to call the board. (In this case, TheWorks, 914-238-8195. See?)

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second part: Real Pez Devotees as BBS users

Real Pez Devotees "pollute" BBS's. That is to say, they call themregularly, say twice a day, and post an awful lot.This is not altogether well-liked by the sysops andusers of those boards, but they realize they can'treally do anything about it. And a Pez is not suchan bad thing to have on a board, since while theyleech, they upload, too, and join in conversations.

corollary: Real Pez Devotees saturate their area code.

Real Pez Devotees, sadly, kiss ass, and go out of their way to avoidconfrontations, sometimes changing their posistionright then and there. That's not altogether bad, butdoes hurt a Pez's credibility.

corollary: Real Pez Devotees apologize.

Real Pez Devotees never know who to put as "references"...they have

spoken and left mail to a lot of people, but thinkthat it's a big step to put someone as a reference.

Real Pez Devotees leech of boards they know, but are loath to leech offof pirate boards, since they don't want to look bad.(See "Real Pez Devotees, sadly, kiss ass"..)

Real Pez Devotees use long-distance services to make free calls, but knowthat this does not make them considered "phreaks".They use the "codes" to call all kinds of BBS's allover the country once a day.

corollary:

Real Pez Devotees will never say they "phreak" to anyone who mightpossibly know anything about it, but will look downon people who only call local Commodore 64 BBS's.

Real Pez Devotees like many kinds of IBM BBS software, notably WWIV forits neat ANSI (colored) graphics tricks, Forum forits full-screen editor, PC-Board for its enjoyableprospects for leeching, Citadel for its ease oflogging on, reading all messages, and logging off, aswell as the ability for anyone to create "rooms", orsub-boards (NOT called SUBZ!!1 which are sandwichesthat you get from a deli.), software called "M-Link"for its overall whackiness (i.e. individual

ranknames and a general good humor).corollary:

Real Pez Devotees hate RBBS, C-Net (and mostly all Commodore 64 BBSsoftware), and yes, AE's without anything "attached",like TAC, TransPhor (it's new, for IBM's), or havingBBS's attached to them.

Real Pez Devotees gently harass people they know, which is sometimestaken out of context to try to show a Pez as mean, orspiteful.

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Real Pez Devotees are nosy, and have tried to read messages with an

"S." in front of them, as well as "Reciever-Only"messages on PC-Boards. (Note to unenlightened: "PC-

Board" is an IBM BBS program, not a general term forboards run on IBM's. It's sort of like RBBS, onlyspiced up with color and better transfer sections.)They also look at Callers Logs to find out who wastying up the board when they wanted to be on, and howmany downloads people make. If they know the sysop'svoice number, they'll call him if the board is busy,and ask who's on.

third part: The Writing Styles of Real Pez Devotees

Real Pez Devotees care about spelling and proper use of grammar intextfiles/messages, but rarely say so. But in theirminds, they don't really respect people who spellbadly and use improper grammar. Although, (see the"ass-kissing" section) they will overlook impropergrammar if the person has a national reputation (i.e.certain Neon Knights, Budman "Zeek", and others.).That's why a Pez likes Anarchy inc. so much, because

they seem very intelligent, as a whole.Ex: I looked up the word "corollary" because I wasn't sure how to spell it. Ex: I'm going to spell-check this when I'm done.

Real Pez Devotees have adapted a lot of people's writing styles, aswell as their own, to form what looks like a uniquepersonality. Some examples follow:

1. Capitalizing words to emphasize pointsEx: "I can't BELIEVE you did that!"

Also, using an asterisk after the word to emphasize points. (Stolen from Citadels in Minnesota.)

Ex: "I can't believe* you said that!" 2. Using "..." to link common subjects, or indicate time passing, or end a sentence. Ex: "I can't believe you said that...but I guess I would too, in that situation...who knows..." 3. Two spaces after a period. That's pretty much universal, though. As well as skipping a line between paragraphs. 4. A lot of commas used, so as not to appear as a run-on sentence. 5. When chatting, every line begins with "Yeah," or "Well,". 6. The use of "a), b), c)" to distinguish separate

points.

fourth part: The Personal Habits of Real Pez Devotees

Real Pez Devotees stay up until 11:30 on weeknights, and wake up at5:30, and thus are numb all day. On weekends, theystay up until 3am, when the boards finally becomefreed up. Or else they write textfiles like this

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one.

Real Pez Devotees screw around on the computer until 10:00 every day,and then do their homework. Strangely enough, I gotmy highest grades ever since starting this.

Real Pez Devotees drink large amounts of Coke Classic, which allowsthem to stay up to 3am. Also, "Twix" bars are a coolthing to eat, from time to time. Another fave iscereal ("Cinnamon Life") eaten at odd hours.

Real Pez Devotees feel awkward walking into a classroom when there area lot of people already in there. They always feelsort of awkward in front of lots of people. Unlessthey are drunk, in which case they don't care.Unfortunately, this is a rare happening. Normally,we (the Real Pez Devotees) are hyper from Coca-Cola.

Real Pez Devotees fight with their siblings.

Real Pez Devotees enjoy volleyball, soccer, and baseball, but hatefootball and "bombardment". (A violent version ofDodgeball.) (Real Pez Devotees have always thoughtSpeedball sounded better than it played.)

Real Pez Devotees yell at their parents from time to time, but usuallydo what they say. (Within reasonable limits.)

Real Pez Devotees have really short hair, and like it that way.

fifth part: Real Pez Devotees And Clothes

Real Pez Devotees wear: khaki pants "Banana Republic" button-downs

"Coca-Cola" clothes Levi's "501" jeans Docksiders (without socks until December, usually. They can take it.) glasses.

If a Real Pez Devotee finds a shirt he likes, he'll buy several indifferent colors. And has trouble explaining it.

Real Pez Devotees have sneakers, but usually leave them in their gymlocker, preferring instead the ubiquitous Docksidersor duck boots (ugly, but Real Pez Devotees don'tcare).

sixth part: (holy shit!) Real Pez Devotees and Music

Real Pez Devotees listen to: Ska (which includes) The English Beat The Specials The Skatalites

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The Selecter Rico Rodriguez Reggae (only) Yellowman Black Uhuru old Santana records their own music (more on that later) Run-D.M.C. (they got hooked last year)

Real Pez Devotees hate: Top 40 (including all) Genesis Bon Jovi Madonna Pet Shop Boys and all other Top 40 fluff groups. Stryper (that's fucking scarier than Satanism in "metal"!)

Real Pez Devotees are in a band, and go over to their friend's houseson weekends with a lot of equipment and jam. Thisusually results in a song, or degenerates into apoint where they go to the computer and startharassing people on CompuServe "CB". The songs are

mixed, like rap, reggae, blues, slamdance stuff, andartsy Talking Heads clones.

seventh part: Bullshitting Around/The End

So, I figured I had to start with a "Real" file. One that detailed mypersonality, and habits, and stuff. My name's Mr. Pez, and I don'texpect you to imitate me. Hell, I don't know what to think of this file.It's kind of long, huh? Hope it was worth it...

-Pez

: STUPID_SPECS RM/MM '87 Begun: 25 February 1987 3:12pm Finished: 28 February 1987 1:26am Written on: IBM PC, Writing Assistant (written and spell-checked) Edited: with PC-Write (for justification, clarity, text graphics) Author: Mr. Pez For: Red Menace, Octothorpe Productions (?), Mephisto Madware Size: 15,640 bytes

A few boards which ask only that you grace them with your presence. _- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - _____N_a_m_e____________S_y_s_o_p_____S_o_f_t_w_a_r_e____N_u_m_b_e_r____

[] The Works! [] Jason Scott! [] PCBoard 10.0 || [914]/238-8195 [] [] The Darque Side [] S Bunker [] Micro*Link || [408]/245-SPAM [] [] Terrapin Station [] Count Nibble [] AE:TAC || [505]/865-0883 [] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~classroom when there are

a lot of people already in there. They always feelsort of awkward in front of lots of people. Unlessthey are drunk, in which case they don't care.Unfortunately, this is a rare happening. Normally,

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we (the Real Pez Devotees) are hyper from Coca-Cola.

Real Pez Devotees fight with their siblings.

Real Pez Devotees enjoy volleyball, soccer, and baseball, but hatefootball and "bombardment". (A violent version ofDodgeball.) (Real Pez Devotees have always thought