RE #6 Miss Otis Regrets / Page 574-599

INT. FARM BATHROOM - AFTERNOON

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYI'm back. Not from the dead, but from the dismissed. Since thisis not my show, as I have repeatedly been reminded, I will not gointo the negotiations that prefaced my RE turn. Suffice it tosay, in those situations in which there is only one person, thereis no dialogue unless the character is insane or is Hamlet, whobegs that question anyway. I know there are monologues,soliloquies, prayers and all of those contrivances that playwrightsuse when they want you to know something that the character can'tsay. But the sad truth is that there is no way out ofinterpretation. Nothing but hair is cut and dried. It all needsframing. Even something as obvious as sports is subject tocommentary. All that said, it's good to be back, and out front. So let's get on with it. We're here now in the bathroom with noaffirmations on the cracked mirror, nothing left on the "to do "list but to cross off the things that won't get done. Gettinghis job back was a fantasy, which I would have noted, and, perhaps,spared the character the embarrassing scene which ensued when hetried. One doesn't need omnipotence or a tattered drag queenwith a sign to recognize hopelessness when it is staring you inthe mirror.

Marcus is fussing with his hair in the frost on the mirror. Thevoluminous shape provided by not washing his hair might suggest alook worth preserving. He has spent the day being nervous abouthis dinner date with Lyle Barnsdall. Loading the contraptionwith the gallons of kerosene bought at the Shell station, Marcusheats up water on top of the furnace in the hog barn and thencarries it to the bathtub in the house. It takes an hour of backand forth to get six inches of tepid water.

MARCUS - MONOLOGUEI shave my balls in the tub and debate whether or not to givemyself an enema, which I finally do with the soapy, cold bathwater. I am squeaky clean for the doctor. It is not the excitement ofsex that has me humming and looking at my watch, but the prospectthat I might be beginning the adult relationship that will changemy life, put me in a bed, a sleigh bed, and lead me down the paththat I had not taken. The one more travelled. It feels like asecond chance with Billy Christensen. Only this time I will notbe looking over his head. I will want what I am being offered. Dr. Lyle Barnsdall is kind and likable. And kindness and a lackof cynicism - even if it is naivety- are not to be underestimated,particularly when you find them in a rich man who is doughy, toowhite, and has a little dick.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYMarcus leaves early so that he can drive to the liquor store nearthe interstate.

--575

MARCUS - MONOLOGUERoses, not in a vase, in a long box with a ribbon. Even thoughthe man has seen me naked, had my dick and balls in his hand,something in my heart knows that the roses are too intimate andthat wine would be less thorny. I will get two expensive bottlesof booze, not just to be polite, but to help things progress fromthe doctor stage to the playing-doctor stage. Stage being theonly part of my providential progression into a real life [wife?] Which is natural to me.

Music Note: ..All of my life I've been a fool who said I could do itall alone. How many friends have I already lost? And how manydark nights have I known? Walking down that long road. Therewas nothing you could buy. All those years of darkness couldmake a person blind. But now I can see that I am changing. Tryingevery way I can. I am changing..... The Diana Pino Band, DianaDoes Broadway.

EXT. ESTATE AT CHADDS FORD - NIGHT

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAY

Marcus arrives promptly at 7.

MARCUS - MONOLOGUEIf I was trying to talk myself into this betrothal before, thepep talk is no longer necessary. I have been Mr Darcy too manytimes without Pemberley, until now. Large rolling lawns lacedwith the falling snow; a driveway lined, its entire quarter milelength, with luminaries. The welcome home that I have played toomany times but never had. An historic property whose "seething"potential has just been realized. { To be clear, I am referringto the estate, not myself.}

At the top of the drive is a 1700's mansion in which William Pennsigned some document according to the historic marker on a postin front of the house. From the disaster at Karl Lagerfeld's, Irecognize that the third floor of lighted windows is a ballroom. Maybe we will dance alone in this candlelit room with its barrelceiling to a string quartet which he has hired. Extravagant,perhaps, but not ostentatious, and wholly theatrical.

MEN with jobs WANT TO DATE ME, ARE ATTRACTED TO ME AND WANT TO BEWITH ME. NOTHING IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

--576

Okay, If your sister's affirmations on your sister's bathroommirror end up working for you, is it like playing Lotto withsomebody else's numbers? Not if you move her into the carriagehouse and get your husband to introduce her to a fraternity brotheror a cardiologist.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYMarcus doesn't drive immediately up the entrance. He turns offthe motor and lights and sits in the car for no apparent reason.

MARCUS - MONOLOGUEA reason should never be apparent. If it were, the little horsewould not have thought that stopping was queer, leaving RobertFrost waiting for roadside assistance with Jack and David and ahost of other obvious and unqueer Frosts who would never stop. To be clear I am stopped, not to choose which path to take. Obviously, there is no choice. The path is clear and the horseknows the way to carry this sleigh, but I am paused to allow timefor our twin soliloquies. I picture him upstairs, a blurred figurein a window. He is waiting for me. This is what I need. Thisis what I've longed for. Someone young and smilin'. Climb-in upmy hill!

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYAt the top, the driveway curves in front of the house. In theturnaround is a horse-drawn sleigh with two big horses. A man inColonial livery is affixing oil lanterns onto the sides of thesleigh.

MARCUSThis is what I need. This is what I longed for. Wonder how I'dfeel livin' on a hillside, lookin' on an ocean, Beautiful andstill.

MARCUSHi. Marcus di Pino. Dr. Barnsdall is expecting me.

COACHMANIndeed he is. Merry Christmas, Mr. Di Pino.

MARCUSThank you. Merry Christmas.

COACHMANI'll take your car so that we have the drive clear for the doctorto take out the sleigh.

MARCUSDoctor Zhivago?

COACHMANDr. Barnsdall.

--577

MARCUSWhen you are happy everyone is a doctor.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYMarcus removes the wine bottles from the car, approaches thefront door, pulls back the knocker and hits the door.

MARCUSWonder why I feel jittery and jumpy!I'm like a school girl waitin' for a dance.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYIn seconds the door opens. Lyle Barnsdall opens the door in aplaid shirt and slacks.

MARCUSWow, Lyle. How beautiful is this place?

LYLE BARNSDALLThank you for saying that. Come in, Marcus. I was upstairslooking out and I saw you stopped. thought your car may havehad trouble getting up the steep drive.

MARCUSMy mother sat in the driveway for many years. And it was level. The reasons for stopping are not always apparent. I would referyou to Robert Frost.

LYLE BARNSDALLThe poet?

MARCUSStopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening?

LYLE BARNSDALLWell we will get a chance to test the validity of that tonight. The horses are harnessed and the sleigh is almost ready.

MARCUS - MONOLOGUEIn all the time I lived in New York I had never taken a carriageride through Central Park. I always wanted the boyfriend whowould do this, although it was too corny to admit, and, certainly,to ask for. This was probably confounded by finding boyfriendsin sex places. You might end up in a harness but never in thecarriage.

MARCUSI brought a little wine.

LYLE BARNSDALLThat wasn't necessary. But thank you. How thoughtful. Comeinside, please.

INT. FOYER OF BARNSDALL HOUSE - NIGHT

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYLyle sets the bottles on the table under a great mirror in thefoyer.

LYLE BARNSDALLLet me take your coat and hang it here. I won't have it put awayjust yet because you will need it on the sleigh.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYThe foyer is lit by a large brass chandelier that is burningcandles. Lyle helps Marcus out of his coat. Marcus's arm isstuck in the sleeve. He tries to wriggle his arm out, but Lyleputs his hand inside the coat and frees Marcus of his cloak. Fora moment Marcus is reminded of Porter, the man who, withoutuncertainty, assumed the intimacy of wrapping Marcus into hisscarf.

MARCUS - MONOLOGUEThere is something sexy about a man who makes assumptions withoutuncertainty, without rehearsal. Something Emile de Becque.

MARCUSDo you think that it is better to have a horse who knows the wayto carry the sleigh than a horse who thinks it is queer to stop?

LYLE BARNSDALLI've got twelve horses and I've never known one to puzzle overanything. But I am also certain that I've never stopped by theedge of the wood.

MARCUS(suggestively)

Maybe tonight is that night.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYAt that moment an Asian woman, perhaps Vietnamese, descends thestairs. She's in a red cardigan with black pants, about 45;handsome in a bookish, and direct way.

LYLE BARNSDALLPia, this is Marcus. I'm trying to keep up with him culturally,but I can't go much further than I've gone, I'm afraid. Pia ismuch more your match. She actually reads. And I bet she hasstopped by the woods on occasion.

PIA BARNSDALLMarcus. You're an actor! Lyle has told me about you. I'mthrilled that you would join us. Please come with me and I'llget you a drink.

--579

LYLE BARNSDALLIf you'll excuse me, Lester needs me to check the sleigh.

Lyle exits.

PIA BARNSDALL Everyone is in the barn looking at the carriages. Lyle decoratesthem for Christmas. Let's get you a drink and I'll bring you outto meet our friends.

(seeing the two bottles ofwine)

I don't know why Lyle took these out. I bought three cases ofgood wine for dinner. Come, Marcus, I want you to try the rumpunch. The ridiculous concoction has been a Barnsdall traditionfor generations.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYMarcus stares at Pia. Her South-Pacific mouth is moving but hehears nothing of what she's saying. Instead he hears his cousin,Diana, broadcasting from inside of his own chest.

Music note: Close to my heart she came. Only to fly away. Onlyto fly as day flies from moonlight. Now, now I'm alone, stilldreaming of paradise, still saying that paradise once nearly wasmine ....The Diana Pino Band, Diana Does Broadway,

INT. POWDER ROOM - NIGHT

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYMarcus is sitting on the closed toilet in a bathroom that is underthe stairs. The room is mirrored, perhaps to make it not seemlike a closet. Seeing the parts of oneself that only other seeis not the best position for someone who has had four rum punchesand might be down for the count. In Marcus's hand is his cellphone. He is talking at it, rather than into it.

MARCUSIt took me two hours to get enough tepid water to take a bath soI would not show up with a dirty ass. Although now that I seewhat it looks like from the audience point of view, I do not knowwhy I bothered cleaning the inside. I thought it would just behim and me, Courier and Ives. Not only is he married, he hasinvited all of the Republican Main Line to our date. And now Ihave to go in and sit down at dinner with them.

PETER (V.O.)What are their names?

--580

MARCUSYou know that I do not listen unless to anyone's names unlessthey are cute. And none of them are.

PETER (V.O.)Lippencott, Biddle, Bingham, Shippen, Burpee?

MARCUSYou have been here!

PETER (V.O.)This is top tier, Marko.

MARCUSPeter, I gave my self an enema with cold water. It was not tepid. I may have said it was tepid, but it was cold. When you are happyyou can alter the temperature of water. Einstein said it. I amnot making it up.

PETER (V.O.)You're fucked.

MARCUSThank you for the encouragement.

PETER (V.O.)But at least you're clean.

MARCUSI do not know what to say to these people.

PETER (V.O.)Just rehearse the dialogue. That's your thing.

MARCUSI did.

PETER (V.O.)You want to run the lines for me?

MARCUS

Them: What show are you in now, Marcus?

Me: Actually, I am not acting any more. Dr. Barnsdall is referring to my former career. Iquit acting to teach.

Them: Wonderful, are you teaching at Penn or Temple?

Me: I am the speech and drama instructor at aNew Jersey, technical, high school. Currently,however, I have been removed from that position.

--581

Them: Isn't it tragic how something that used tobe considered a "dalliance", an "indiscretion",is now cause for such upheaval?

Me: It was for artistic differences.

Them: Of course.

PETER (V.O.)Chuck that script. You can handle this. You have spent a lifetimeplaying debonair, in drawing rooms and palaces. You were themagnificent, George Amberson Minafer. You were Mr. Darcy, and,lest we forget, you were the King of Siam at the Met Ball withPrince Egon in waiting.

MARCUSYou are not going to let go of that.

PETER (V.O.)Okay. I will shelve that. For goddsakes, Marcus, you were alsoCount Vronsky!

MARCUSIn two productions. One of which was extended for six weeks. But I was not standing there being debonair without Shaw,Tarkington, Coward, Tolstoy or Jane Austen. Help me, Peter. These are your people. Just give me something to work from or Iwill turn back into little Marky Pino from New Jersey right infront of everyone.

PETER (V.O.)Alright. I have it. You're Cole Porter. Smooth, sophisticated,devilishly witty, at home in wealth, never at a loss for wordspoetic.

MARCUS That is good. Really good. I got it. You are amazing. I needa cigarette. With a holder, preferably.

PETER (V.O.)You just told me that you quit. I was so proud of you.

MARCUSIt is just a prop.

PETER (V.O.)Think of something else.

MARCUSWhat about a gun?

PETER (V.O.)People who use cigarette holders don't use guns.

(MORE)

--582

PETER (V.O.) (CONT'D)It's out of character. You'll be fine. You're already working. I can hear it.

MARCUSThank you. I do not know why I get so freaked out.

PETER (V.O.)You were thrown a curve ball. The man invites you on a date andthen greets you with the D.A.R.

MARCUSHe held my balls.

PETER (V.O.)Doctor's do that. It's not foreplay. It's a job.

MARCUSHe held them longer than necessary.

PETER (V.O.)In that case, maybe you already had the date and now he just wantsto introduce you to the family.

MARCUSHe was looking for gonorrhea.

PETERBecause he intends to announce the results to Philadelphia society. Marcus?

MARCUSWhat?

PETER (V.O.)Don't drink any more.

MARCUSDo I sound like I have been drinking? I am not drinking. It isthe echo. I am in some closet under the stairs.

PETER (V.O.)What are you doing there?

MARCUSI am fucking Harry Potter. What do you think I am doing in acloset? I am hiding.

PETER (V.O.)Out of the closets and into the streets.

MARCUS I already had my activist moment, for your information.

(MORE)

--583

MARCUS (CONT'D)I turned down a bath and a fuck from some large-handed Republican. I did it for the cause.

PETER (V.O.)What cause?

MARCUSThe March of fucking Dimes! The March of the Falsettos? I stoodup for something, even if I do not know what it was. I am justlike all of you who march in parades.

PETER (V.O.)Marcus, I can't picture you in any parade.

MARCUSI am the majorette in this dark march towards what-ever it iswe're approaching.

PETER (V.O.)Shakespeare?

MARCUSTennessee Williams.

PETER (V.O.)Weren't you once in a hot tub with him?

MARCUSNo. That was Shakespeare.

INT. LYLE'S LIBRARY - NIGHT

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAY Lyle brings Marcus into his library which has a fire crackling, old paintings in gilt frames hanging from the bookshelves. Inthe room is Wendell, a puffed-up, forty-year-old, black man fromTexas, and Wendell's boyfriend, Clinton, a short, chiseled, whiteman with silver hair and large, muscular hands.

LYLE BARNSDALLMarcus, this is Wendell and his partner, Clinton. Wendell is amember of the lodge. He was recently inducted and maybe he'lltell you about the experience. This is not a setup.

MARCUSLike the waiter at the Circle Diner?

LYLE BARNSDALL(embarrassed)

No. I meant a set up to get you into the lodge. I need to runupstairs and make sure that the candles on the tree are lightedbefore dinner .

--584

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYLyle leaves. Marcus lifts another glass of rum punch from thewaiter's tray as he drifts by.

MARCUSI do not mind playing someone with typhus, but when I looked upthe symptoms, it is not pretty. What disease do you have?

WENDELL(Prissy Southern accent)

I do not have any. I assure you.

MARCUSI meant for the boat.

WENDELLI have a seat on the craft. I'm not an initiate.

MARCUSAre you in the lodge too, Clinton?

CLINTONI work in Philly so I'm never home in time for their meetings orany of the re-enactments.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYClinton has the deep, assured voice of a pilot or someone sellinghome insurance on TV.

WENDELLThe lodge doesn't have meetings, Clinton. We're not Quakers orthe PTA.

MARCUSWhat do you do in Philadelphia, Clinton? I actually went to schoolthere.

WENDELLClinton went to Wharton.

MARCUSI went to Temple.

WENDELLOh. You're the actor.

MARCUSYes.

CLINTONAmazing. Are you in any films we might see?

MARCUSI am preparing for The Heiress; it is a play.

--585

CLINTONAt the Bucks County Playhouse?

MARCUSOn Broadway. And what do you do?

CLINTONI work in product placement for I.P.

MARCUSThat is more amazing! A very good friend of mine is in productplacement. Bianchi?

CLINTONWhat's the first name?

MARCUSI cannot believe it; it just flew out of my head. Lori Bianchi'shusband. He has been in it forever. Every time someone lifts abox of Cheerios. I bet you know him.

CLINTONI m relatively new to the field, and I am about one rung up fromthe janitor. There was somebody in our firm who was connectedwith General Mills, but I think he's dead.

MARCUSI am sure that is him. My sister does not bring people up unlessthey die. So what did you do before?

WENDELLClinton entered Wharton after N.A.S.A.

MARCUSYou are an astronaut.

CLINTONYes.

MARCUSWait. You are really an astronaut?

CLINTONWas. Now I am trying to put shoes and gloves into print ads. You move on, right?

MARCUSMove-on.org.

CLINTONWhat's that?

MARCUSClinton is an ironic name for a Republican.

--586

CLINTONBut Barnsdall isn't.

MARCUSGood. It is best to stay clear of irony, particularly when youhave real things to do like getting Cheerios on the table orlanding on the moon. So how are you are related to Lyle?

CLINTONI'm his brother.

WENDELLClinton is modest. His client is the most prestigious glovecompany in the world. And he gets them into everything.

MARCUSYou were the one who got them into the O.J. Simpson trial.

WENDELLAs a black man I find that offensive.

MARCUSIf the glove doesn't fit, you must aquit. My apologies. So what do you do to get the Cheerios on the table, Wendell?

WENDELLI am a flight attendant for US Airways.

MARCUSFlying a little lower than Clinton.

WENDELLLyle said he talked to you about joining us on the Valley ForgeCrossing.

MARCUSSorry, Wendell. I am an actor, not a RE-enactor.

WENDELLThe craft is a brotherhood that has been around since the 14thCentury. Our rituals of transporting and ministering to the sickand wounded are not for men who want to dress up in costumes andpretend to be in a battle.

MARCUSActing is also a craft. Grown men dress up in costumes and pretendto be in lots of things, battle being just one of them.

CLINTONWendell went to the same high school in Houston as Tommy Tune. Didn't you just see him, hon?

--587

WENDELLYes. Mr. Tune was in first class on a flight from Houston toJFK and we talked for about an hour. He gave me his personalemail.

MARCUSMaybe you can get him to be a typhus victim for your show. Imean, ritual.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYThe two men turn their backs on Marcus, who drops into a chairbehind the Colonial desk and proceeds to make a sketch of Clinton'shands on one of Lyle's prescription pads.

INT. BARNSDALL DINING ROOM - NIGHT

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAY (V.O.)Marcus is now very drunk. The dining room is a blur of candlesand wild- game dishes, platters of ham and potatoes and Clinton'smoving hands. If the scene at the Barnsdall's had for a timelost its objective when Dr. Lyle turned out to be straight, it'sfound a new one now: Wendell's boyfriend. Like most ends Marcussets himself toward, they become all that he can see. Dr. R. Marc Pinot has repeatedly claimed, "There is no perspective withoutan object in the foreground." In this case the object in theforeground, which Marcus has failed to see, is Wendell. Foregroundor foreplay, it is a foregone conclusion that the forest has onceagain lost out to the tree.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAY (V.O.)Conversation around the Chippendale table centers on "Pia'sinnovative use of linen placemats with the embroidered pinebranches in lieu of the 18th-century, Irish-linen tablecloth ofpast Christmases.

MARCUS - MONOLOGUEAs I am contributing to the table talk with "These branches belongto the Great Eastern Pine, the tallest trees in North America",the world of linen is reduced to the fabric which separates mefrom Clinton Barnsdall's leg. A millimeter of wool separates ourbodies under the table, but that tangent space is the chasm betweenpoliteness and complicity. It has swallowed many men who thoughtthey could bridge it. You never know if this is going to be theBridge of San Luis Rey or the Bridge of Sighs, until you steponto it. My leg starts to shake like a teenage boy fromnervousness and anticipation. In its agitation my knee taps thequadricep of Clinton Barnsdall, and the twain meets, once againunder the table. He does not retreat, which is encouraging, butit is still a bit more equivocal than complicity, which requires exerting a pressure back.

(MORE)

--588

MARCUS - MONOLOGUE (CONT'D)But when my fingers finally set on Clinton's knee I know that itis one small step for mankind. The leap for mankind, however,will be the slide from {Frome?} knee to crotch, a slope that couldtake me across the finish or crash me into the Great Eastern Pine.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYLack of perspective, but more likely drunkenness, has made itimpossible for Marcus to notice that Lyle is standing behind him,until Lyle announces the initial sleigh ride. Marcus's hand jerksback to the top of the table. The absence of the tablecloth hasproved less "innovative" than damning. Lyle, or anyone in thelast row of the balcony, could not mistake Marcus's objective inthis scene as anything less than obvious.

Clinton stands to excuse himself for the sleigh ride, revealingthe blatant, horizontal crease across the front of his pants. Apparently, some things do remain salient even when their contextis removed.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYA screen rapidly lowers in front of the scene. R. Marc Pino,Phd is standing next to it eager to defend himself.

R. MARC PINOT, PHD (V.O.)Despite what Marcus or his narrator suggest a wrinkle in trouserfabric does not represent a wrinkle in the R. Marc Pinot Phd. Theory of Perspective. I see we have a question in the front. Go ahead.

MARCUS (V.O.)Then how does your theory account for the fact that all perspectivegoes out of the window when one encounters that aforementioned crease in the trousers?

R. MARC PINOT, PHDI believe it was Copernicus who said "It is just one of thosethings."

MARCUS (V.O.)It was Cole Porter

R. MARC PINOT, PHDNo. He said, "It was just one of those things." Inflection iswhat separates Einstein from ennui. Otherwise we have a conventionwhich varies with any Tom, Dick, or Harry. Any Tom, Harry,.. orDick.

--589

Music Note: Just one of those crazy flings. One of those bells thatnow and then rings. Just one of those things. It was just one ofthose nights. Just one of those fabulous flights. A trip to the moonon gossamer wings. Just one of those things....The Diana PinoBand, Diana Does Broadway,

EXT. HORSE DRAWN SLEIGH - NIGHT

Dramaturg Note: The music of Cole Porter, not Lara's Theme,continues through the following scene, making it more apparentthat we are not watching an epic romance; instead we are witnessinga runaway sleigh which had outrun its cleverness after the first tenverses.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYMarcus has on his coat when he sneaks out of the house, carryingthe two bottles of wine which he brought and which were still onthe table beneath the hall mirror.

MARCUS - MONOLOGUEEven Edward Albee would have permitted the guest to sneak out before facing the host after being caught making a play for thehost's brother when that fiasco came on the heels of the failedplay for the host himself. The only problem is the sleigh. Itis not stopped by the woods, but in the middle of the driveway. Wendell and Clinton are seated in it, a horse blanket across theirlaps. I could wave and pass on the way to the stables where Iassume my car is. BUT I am carrying two bottles of wine, which,to anyone in the world would appear that I am stealing. Or atbest, stealing back. Which I am. The only option I have left isto get into the sleigh and act as if I, thoughtfully, broughtlibations for the ride.

A silver-haired woman whose name is Charlotte, or Colette, whomade the fuss about the extraordinary innovation of placemats, is now being helped into the sleigh by Porter - not the smiling,racist anachronism from an MGM musical, but the SAME FUCKING VILEREPUBLICAN from the Raven! My heart is now pounding. There isno mistaking what is going on: I did not really open my mouththat night so God is giving me a second chance to not be silent. If silence equals death, calling this guy out now is death on astick. The horrible part of it is that in the process of speakingout I will hurt Lyle, the only person in this whole county whohas been decent to me. As in all dramatic situations where theaction has not been scripted, I choose to remain still and trustthat I will be compelled into right action at the exact rightmoment. I look right at the man but do not give away anything.

(MORE)

--590

(CONT'D)Porter looks back at me and smiles. There is no trace ofrecognition. Fucker. Either he is a better actor than me, waitingfor the exact right moment to move and we are playing some kindof actor's chicken, OR he has no recollection of my sucking hisdick in a bathroom stall. My new dilemma is that I do not knowwhich of these possibilities I find harder to swallow.

Dramaturg's Note: Apparently, that bit of oral action was cutfrom the prior scene at the Raven because, if you recall, the characterhad taken on the task of his own narration . In framing the incidentat the Raven , di Pino was, at best, unreliable, and, at worst, attempting to appear less complicit with a man whom he found reprehensible. For the record, the character did exhibit restraint innot bringing this bit of business to its climax. But it is unclear ifthis was an act of principle or of calculation - the computationthat delayed gratification would yield a bed, a bath, and beyond. It is now clear now that the beyond has arrived, without benefit ofbed or bath.

MARCUS - MONOLOGUEWhen the compulsion to move comes it erupts so suddenly as toappear spontaneous, which is exactly what the actor hopes for. Ihop into the sleigh and knock into a dark man, in his latethirties, early forties maybe, who I did not see was also gettinginto the sleigh at the same time. Standing behind the man isLyle. I slide the bottles behind my back on the leather seat. With the addition of the dark man and Lyle it appears as if thereare too many people for the sleigh, and that I could hop out, as"spontaneously" as I got in. In doing so my exit and my situationare simultaneously resolved. BUT if I get up to leave it willreveal the bottles to Lyle. I decide to go for broke, which mostpeople would agree happened before I set foot on this wretchedvehicle, even though being caught with the host's wine would feellike taking communion without confession. But even that seemsforgivable when compared to groping the host's brother, whichwill get you crucifixion, even if you are a Methodist.

MARCUSGet in. I will take the next one. They are like buses, right?

LYLE BARNSDALLNo. Don't be ridiculous! I get to ride whenever I want. And Iwanted you to meet Night.

MARCUS(flirtatiously at theyounger, dark-skinned man)

Night and day. You are the one.

--591

LYLE BARNSDALL M. Night Shyamalan, this is Marcus di Pino.

MARCUSIt is a pleasure to meet you.

LYLE BARNSDALLMarcus is a stage actor. He just moved to Lafayette Landing.

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANI was just saying to Lyle that we saw a wonderful production ofThe Glass Menagerie.

PETER'S VOICETell him you met Tennessee Williams during a production of it atWilliamstown.

MARCUSOn Broadway?

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANNo. In Philly. We do get Manhattan quite often, though.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEMaybe you will recommend something for us to see in New York.

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANWe saw Mandy Patinkin on Broadway several weeks ago when we werethere.

PETER'S VOICEYou replaced him in Hamlet at the Guthrie. Let him know you'renot some amateur in the Lafayette Landing summer theater.

MARCUSHow was that?

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANEntertaining. Totally entertaining.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYThe driver picks up the reins. The sleigh passes the barns andglides onto snow covered field behind the buildings.

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANAre you in something at the moment?

MARCUSAre we not in Doctor Zhivago? I thought that would explain why Iam hearing Lara's Theme.

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANIt's funny you said that. I always hear music in my head.

(MORE)

--592

M.NIGHT SHYAMALAN (CONT'D)It's sometimes embarrassing because I don't realize that I'mhumming the tune that I'm hearing.

MARCUSAnd the music gives you away?

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANYes!Did that ever happen to you?

MARCUSYou mean when I am in a bar humming "I'm Just a Girl Who Can'tSay No"?

Everyone laughs.

PORTERI wonder what song you must be humming now.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYPorter is drunk. While he is speaking to Marcus he is staringopenly at Clinton.

MARCUSI Hate Men.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEIs that a song? It sounds like a conclusion to me.

MARCUSApparently Cole Porter researched exhaustively before reachingthe conclusion.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTENow you must tell me this, Mr di Pino. Is being a stage actordifferent than being an actor in the movies?

MARCUSI have done film. Although my work has been primarily in thetheater. In fact, Mandy Patinkin, was just mentioned. I didreplace Mandy in Hamlet.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEYou must tell us when you do that again. We have an apartment inthe Sherry Netherlands that I never get to see. Porter uses itfor business. But I will make a point of going next time you doHamlet. But, honestly, Mr di Pino, you must tell me why a fellowas gay as yourself would choose such a morbid role?

MARCUS"If you can't be a ham and do Hamlet, they will not give a damnor a dam-let."

--593

CLINTONYou performed on Broadway?

MARCUSYes. I have, Clinton.

CLINTONNow that must be something.

WENDELLWhen was that?

MARCUSSince the likes of Sam Shepherd, Neil LaButte and David Mametturned theater into a platform for inarticulate, angry assholes,there are no roles for me. Now I sound more like David Mametthan I do Cole Porter, so excuse me.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYPorter looks livid.

PORTERYour language.

MARCUSNo problem, I will cut that shit from the scene.

PORTERThat sort of talk may be appropriate in theater but it's notappreciated here in mixed company.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYThere is a long uncomfortable silence.

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANSo if you're not acting now how are you spending your time here?

MARCUS"Vainly fighting the old ennui."

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEPorter is retired and he's busy all the time too. He loves it.

MARCUS"Love that's only slightly soiled?"

PORTERWhat is that supposed to mean?

PETER'S VOICEDon't get derailed. He's Porter. You're Cole Porter. Let thepompous asshole go and concentrate on the director.

--594

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEMr. Shalimar. Do you suppose you will do a picture with BruceWillis again? We ladies find him so appealing. Of course, nowhe's quite bald. But that shouldn't matter. Should it?

MARCUS"He may have hair on his chest but, sister, so has Lassie."

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEOh my. How ever would you know that?

PORTERHe doesn't.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTELord, I'm trying to make all the connections, Mr di Pino. You'renot a relative of Pia or Lyle. Oh, are you in Lyle's secret club? I suppose I'm just being nosy, trying to learn everyone's story.

MARCUS"My story is much too sad to be told."

WENDELLThen maybe you shouldn't.

CLINTONWendell!

WENDELLThe man has had too much to drink. His behavior at the table andhere is not acceptable.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYMarcus points at Wendell with absolute astonishment.

MARCUS"YOU'RE the top!"

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYClinton flushes. M.Night turns his head to hide the smile. Wendell has smoke coming out of him.

WENDELLThat is offensive to Mrs. Lippincott. If you were a passengerin my cabin, I would have you removed from the aircraft.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTENonsense, Wendell. I'm not made of glass. Neither is Porter. And I'm sure that Clinton has heard all manner of speech in theAir Force. Did you know, Mr di Pino, that Clinton was an astronauton a space station?

--595

MARCUS"Flying too high with some guy in the sky is my idea of nothingto do."

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEReally?

MARCUSActually, I am full of ideas of nothing to do. And I have a sixthsense which tells me you could use one.

PORTERYou don't know anything about my wife.

MARCUS"At words prophetic, I'm quite pathetic."

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEPia and Lyle always put out such a delightful spread. And, I doappreciate the Oriental side dishes which Pia adds. Don't youthink they make it more international, Mr. Shalimar?

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANShyamalan.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEMy word. I did make a mess of that. Porter always says I don'tpay attention and then I say the wrong things.

MARCUSOh why can't you behave?

WENDELLThis is rude! Clinton, I think we should get out.

MARCUS"Taunt me and hurt me, deceive me, desert me."

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYWendell disembarks onto the field. Clinton walks after him. Porter rises. He turns to his wife.

PORTERWe're getting off too.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEYou're getting out of the sleigh here, Porter?

PORTERYes. And I hope you have the good sense to come with me.

MARCUSHope? "I don't think there's any hope when we are putting agoddamn Muslim in the White House."

--596

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYRecognition finally hits Porter as his words from the gay bar arethrown back at him. He looks shaken. Charlotte or Coletterecognizes these racist words as her husband's and she seemssuddenly serious.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEPorter, do you know Mr di Pino?

MARCUSYes, he does.

PORTERHe's a liar.

(to Marcus)You don't know me.

MARCUS"The east, west, north and the south of you."

PORTERThat is disgusting. Get up, I said! We're going now!

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTE(with some contempt)

Walking in the snow? Don't be silly. Besides, Port, I'm findingthis banter. This is "banter" isn't it? delightful.

MARCUSDelicious, delectable, delirious. It's dilemma, it's delimit,it's deluxe, It's de-lovely."

PORTERIt's fucking de-mented!

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEOh, Porter! That was clever of you. We so rarely get tosocialize with artistes having witty tete-a-tetes about subjectssuch as this.

PORTERNice meeting you, Mr. Shyamalan.

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANThank you. You too.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYThe sleigh stops. Porter gets out in the field.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEReally, I don't know what to say.

MARCUS"Goodbye, dear, and amen"?

--597

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEI meant to say something about The Glass Menagerie. We saw thatplay as well. I'm afraid I will have to disagree with Mr. Shamablan. I don't think they were very professional at all. When they spoke, they spit. I felt as if I had taken a bath justsitting there. I can't imagine that the author would have intendedhis words to be spit out like that.

MARCUSI met Tennessee Williams in a hot tub.

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANIs that so?

MARCUSI was bait to get him out of it so he could attend the receptionin his honor in Williamstown, but he did not bite, so they sentin bigger bait, Christopher Reeves. At least, for once, it wasnot fucking Mandy Patinkin. Sorry, I know he is entertaining. Excuse my language, Charlotte or Colette.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEI've heard worse speech before. My sister is a lesbian.

MARCUSI could tell.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEWhen we have the family foundation meetings she is very "colorful"with her choice of words. Peggy writes unusual travel books.

MARCUSGood authors who once knew better words now only use four letterwords.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEI know. But she and Porter do not really see eye to eye. Andonce Peggy winds up, it is very difficult to stop her. SometimesI'm in the middle of it but I don't know what to do.

MARCUS"Kick her right in the Coriolanus."

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYCharlotte or Collette starts to shriek with laughter.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEYes! Really, Mr di Pino, that is the best proposal I've gotten.I almost wished I had the means to do it.

MARCUS"Even Argentines without means do it."

--598

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEBut, seriously now, how could you tell about Peggy?

MARCUSThat she was gay?

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTENo. Peggy's not gay. She's a lesbian.

MARCUSMy sixth sense told me.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEThat's the name of the movie Mr. Shalimar made with Bruce Willis!You knew that. I am on to you now. You are just too amusing.

MARCUSNow I ask you, M. Night Shyamalan, what is an experienced,dystopian actor with a talent to amuse to do in Chester County?

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANAre you asking me for advice?

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEMy word, it does sound like he is.

M.NIGHT SHYAMALAN"Use your mentality and wake up to reality."

MARCUSOuch. I would have pegged you for too young to know Cole Porter.

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANI didn't until I was introduced to his music by Mandy Patinkin.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYMarcus looks around as if searching for something.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEAre you looking for something?

MARCUSA line?

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYA bell on the back of the house clangs, saving nothing.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEThat means they're serving the delicious Buche de Noel, and thefruit cakes! Now we must go. Driver, please take us back. Mrdi Pino, you are in for a real treat.

MARCUSI think I may skip desert.

--599

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEI won't let you. You must try the Buche.

MARCUS"Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lunch today."

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEThat is a song! I know that one! What a hoot this has been. I've never had a ride this interesting. We must do it againthis winter while there is still snow. Don't you think, Mr. Syhamoolie?

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANI think not.

CHARLOTTE OR COLETTEOh. And, you, Mr di Pino?

MARCUSThere's no not for me.

M.NIGHT SHYAMALANApparently. And that's the Gershwins. Not Cole Porter. Sinceyou seem to be asking for it, my advice to you would be, forgetdystopia and brush up your Shakespeare.

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYWith the help of the coachman M. Night Shamalayan, Mrs. Lippencott and Marcus step down from the sleigh. Lyle is waitingin the drive with a tray of filled, champagne flutes. They moveto the front door when the coachman points to two bottles of wineleft in the sleigh and calls out.

COACHMANSir, you forgot your wine!

STAGE MANAGER/SPALDING GRAYMarcus climbs back into the sleigh and sits holding the bottlesin his lap. The driver, who is confused, looks to Lyle. Eventhe horse, who under ordinary circumstances knows the way to carrythe sleigh, turns his head seeking an explanation.

Music note:..When the mob came and got her and dragged her fromthe jail, madam . They strung her up on the willow across the way. And the moment before she died she lifted up her lovely head andcried, madam, "Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lunchtoday".......The Diana Pino Band, Diana Does Broadway,