pursuing the ghost
TRANSCRIPT
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 1/40
1
Pursuing the Ghost
A collection of poems by Alan Eby
All work © Alan Eby
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 2/40
2
Note:
The work in this collection retains its uniqueness and initial spontaneity. All of these poems
contain the emotions I was feeling at the time. No additions or revisions have been made to the
poems. I want the reader to experience this collection just as I did when I originally wrote it.
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 3/40
3
Where I End and You Begin – That nonsense that used to occur
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 4/40
4
A Consensual Crime
To tell would be murder Since she can inflict death
Nothing would be sweeter Than dying from her breath
To answer would be suicide
Since I control his heart
Nothing would be more upsettingThan him and I apart
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 5/40
5
Wasting Away Coins or Rusting All Alone
I’m in timeout, sitting in the corner
Watching everyone else playWaiting, wishing, wanting, worrying about you
Are you having fun?
Do you miss my stare?
A stale glare from a gust of nostalgic air
Coins in my pocket, wasting away
Could be used to help feed a nationI save them for the ice cream you want that’s sitting in a store
Your feet must hurt from running
AwayThe direction from me
Give up the ghost that haunts youI’ll sit here until they, or you, possibly a friend, calls
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 6/40
6
Changling
You
YouYouYou
You
You
you
youyou
you
you have changed
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 7/40
7
The Sea of Return
Put me in a bottle and toss me
Over the cliff SplashInto the water. Into the world
The current tugs and pulls
Deploy the sails, steer the rudder
None, however, on this vesselThis voyage cannot be manipulated
Accompanied by the sun and moon
Both spend equal time but jealousy arisesWhen the equinox shines
Sunburned by smothering, I try and die
By drowning, yet I float like a feather So I just close my eyes and hope
For the shore
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 8/40
8
No Less of a Man
Stand tall and strong they say
The alpha of the domainTheir apathetic generalizations are wrongWhereas I tend to cry
For you, my weeping window to the stars of heaven
To the point of breaking I am weak
Fragile are my bones when you speak
All my thoughts, wants, and needsDisappear, to sacrifice in your honor, as you please
For you, my restless soul slaves away for free
Too much it may be, but too little it is for me
Dark of the moon has light so brightEven when we’re blind at night
So notice me here and render my fear
For having you near never felt so real
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 9/40
9
Christmas Used to Be
Stockings aren’t hung because they are on the feet
Crackling of the fiery roasted wood shoots embers onto the generational hearthUnder the mistletoe lies the dog who’s paws are drying from running out in the snow
The halls are loud with silence
No aunts talking loudly over a recipe
No grandfathers bellowing for another drink No kids running after one another
Snow rests on the windowsill, trying mercilessly to enter But mother is in her chair by the window, reading the snow to sleep
While I listen to the dog breathe in its sleep
Our Christmas comes with no extravagant additions, no scents of gingerbreadJust the remnants of a once together family
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 10/40
10
Melancholy Flower
As I look outside and watch the snow gently glide down and rest upon the ground
I can’t help but think about youWell, it happens a lot… not just when it snows and the idea of being warm and near youovercomes me
Your scent comes back and floods my nostrils, reminding me of the intoxication
Next, I trace the curves of your legs with my lonely fingers in midair like a ghost
*This line doesn’t do justice to the way you looked up at me with your eyes
The style your hair was always in caused me to uncontrollably smileMy ears perked up when you tenderly spoke to me about how cold you were
You laying on my back was probably the creation of an 8th sin
Then I shake my thoughts and wake myself up
I should be angry with you and I should be forgiving with you
We should stay without constant contact and we should be friends againSometimes I have no idea what to decide on and this is the embodiment of that
On the shelf sat a glass jar that held everything that you bottled up inside
That nightPandora’s box was opened
You already know what the contents were, so there is no use in listing them
Summaries exist for this situation: I wasn’t what made the butterflies in your stomach flutter
anymoreTime was a factor in it all as wellBut don’t we have all the time in the world?
Like a burning candle, eventually your flame went out
Darkened night consumed the room
All my faults were brought to light
An index finger pointing at meAn honest and misinforming lecture
Tears were shed and promises were made
A pact of spoken stabilityCreated with future intentions
Smoke in my eyes
Diversion from what I felt initially
Things were said and now things have been doneYou said those things would never happen and now they have
It’s now hard to believe that what you said after all of it was to be taken seriously
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 11/40
11
It’s harder to lie to yourself than to meBut from whispering voices, I hear you’re happy
From an encouraging standpoint, I am elated for you
Delighted that you are receiving what I couldn’t give to you
From an unenthusiastic standpoint, I am resentfulInfuriated that you tricked me
With respect to the notion that love cannot be preemptive
planned (what’s next?)
or anticipated,
I understand
However, I do not understand how you switched so quickly
Even the Pacific Ocean winds are slower than how swiftly you actedWhere did your pain from me go?
Seared into my memory is youThe memories we made, the time we spent together, and the pain you caused me
It all seems blurry, eventually, and yet, I hold my breath and try to cleanse myself of this plague
This latched-on pest that feeds off my insecurities and weaknesses for youSave for the most basic, essential, fundamental, crucial picture of you
The picture that both calms me and enrages me
Habits die hardAnd mine are armored:
Night owlAnti-morning person
Too sensitiveOver thinkingDreamer of normality
Sense of togetherness
Lonely
Depressed
In the outskirts of reality and inside the providence of a perfect world,
you and I are together. No flaws or regrets. Only us.Except, who I was once in love with is no more
We should return back to August Moon, you say
But you need to understand that you have never known me not in love with youSo perhaps the dusty unclaimed trail consumes me and you continue walking in shoes that are
easily repaired
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 12/40
12
Casual Observer
I’m fearful to admit
Fearful to retractSome things burnAnd become intact
Images I remember
Convey to you, “I’m the conserver”Slap my wrist
Lecture me, “You’re now a casual observer”
Now I feel guilty
For what my dirty mind is thinking
Seems that I should shut me eyesAnd keep forever blinking
Questions unansweredLike a conspiracy or fabled myth
Goddess of love and pain
Do I continue to worship or drown myself in the River Styx?
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 13/40
13
Future
I once saw my future
In the vastness of your eyes Now I am blindAnd I don’t know why
I could tell you how I feel
Or I could list all the why’sEven when I know
In the end, it’s mostly dry
I should just learn to forget
And bury what was, “we”
Yet it kills to know you’re hereSmiling suspiciously
I want again the wholenessThat branded our simple souls
My scar is burning tonight
Does it burn in yours?
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 14/40
14
Sands of Time
I want to run
Where the golden sunMeets the wise sandsOf time
I want to flee out west
Where my body and soul may restUnder the night sky
Filled with starry eyes
I want to break our contact
On the wind’s broken back
Glide to an oasisAnd light a fire
I’ll try to fuel this flameTo engulf your name
Burning what’s left
Of this forsaken pact
I hope the cacti sing
Like muses tugging on a string
To whisk me awayTo a new place
I believe the moon is hereWhich will drain away my fears
Of you and your ways
That punish me, undeserving
I want to run
Where the golden sun
Meets the wise sandsOf time
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 15/40
15
This Is Not
This is not for you
But for what I thought you were
A shoulder to cry on
To drain all the pain
In the end we would be finishedYet this is only the beginning
*Oh, I am unsureAnd you are too far
We should try then let it be
Did you think of meWhen that song was played?
Did your memories swell
Into a bubble and burst?
Middle ground, common groundIt’s all rough terrain
*Oh, I am unsureAnd you are too far
We should try then let it be
Oh, a Mason Dixon compromise
Oh, a bold-faced shy lie (x2)
*Oh, I am unsure
And you are too far
We should try then let it be (x4)
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 16/40
16
Shatterproof
Today I recollect
And try to piece together my lifeFrom all the mistakes, letdowns, wrong turns, bumps,
heartaches, tears, attempts of release
…
Moving on a linear path with no pulse
Then she came into my life; now pulsing new lifeConsumed with rage
Positive rage which lacked objectivity (I never am able to see)
Patiently I worked to ease my way inHer wall was high as the sky
But when I breachedThe air was so pure, so foreign, I became high
Our reign in our conjoined kingdom was worthy of note in the history books. Well, maybe only
in mine, since she didn’t enjoy history
The ship ran aground
The ship was back on course
Theship
sank… for good
“Mayday. Mayday. Dear all on board,
I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for my mistakes, I’m sorry for your mistakes. My belief in us
to do what we expected of each other worked to an extent; an extent that we both didn’t fully
understand. Blame can be appointed but the captain takes full blame. He shouldn’t though. Likea socialist society, it should be distributed. It’s over now and it doesn’t matter anymore. In my
final words, I would like to admit I gave my life, its entirety in devotion, care, respect, trust,
love, and anything else I forgot to mention that I think is important to bring to your attention.
Again, I apologize for my failure and yours as well… but maybe it’s all mine. I’m quite confusedand unsure.”
The night is darkest just before the dawn
That’s true…
Unless collateral damage has affected other parts…
… like your overall state Not just from the love, but from the realization that happiness is alluding me
Conscious of it, like looking in a mirror
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 17/40
17
Medication could save me from the edgeFrom toppling into the cool abyss
Seagulls call from their perches, echoing what I secretly despise to happen on opposite day
Silent nights fill the loud world
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx| |xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx| |xxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx| |xxxx
xxxxxXOxxxxxxx| |xxxx
Lost in translation or found in myself?
If the latter, I have yet to unearth any direction
More lost if anything; a compass in a magnetic field
The sum of all things miscued add up to a heavy load that relies on my mind to carry
Perhaps a change is in order:
The plains of MontanaRaging seas of the Pacific
Lush forests of Washington
Snowy valleys of Vermont
The historic streets of London
Scenic buildings of Paris
Rustic air of BerlinVastness of Tuscany
The serenity of Bangkok Advances in Seoul
Brightness of Tokyo
Chances to create chancesRebirth from Ash
The decision is too difficult to make at the momentSo possibly, hopefully, tomorrow will shed light on the matter
Because as of now, a linear path that is magnetized by gravity, is the norm
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 18/40
18
A Secret Society
It once was talked about throughout kingdoms
Now it hardly retains respect
Many men killed over its code
But today sees many discarding it
Women expected it to be provided upon requestIronically, today, they deem it odd and unusual
When a man treats a woman rightThe woman stares and asks why
Chivalry is dead to the masses
Only a few select still cling to its policies
In secret we plan to enlighten the worldTo make history repeat itself
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 19/40
19
Late
I’m always late
Never realizing what I have until it’s goneAs the tears roll down my cheeksOnto an old photo of you
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 20/40
20
Hardened
It never was possible
Or even remotely thought of Now these conjured accessories have become realityHardened by hurt
And softened by stitches of two
Protected now from the elements
So close to extinctionUntil Darwin steps in
Survival of the fittest is true
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 21/40
21
Give
My body is now empty
From all the things that I gave to youThey can’t be given back anymore
I trusted you with my secrets
Why didn’t you want to keep them anymore?
They’re on a wanted poster out on my door
I gave you all of my body
You took it like it was moneyYou spent it all on somebody else
My body is now empty
From all the things that I gave to youThey can’t be given back anymore
I let you tear down my wall
Brick by brick, and you caused it to fall
Your victory was a conspiracy
I cried when word got around
That you were leaving my side of the town
Who knew what a year would have in store for us
My body is now empty
From all the things that I gave to youThey can’t be given back anymore
You can run
I can hideYou can laugh
I can cry
But you ran, away, from me
I think that you are a thief
You stole the very core, center of me
And didn’t think that I’d even notice
I try and mend my woundsFrom inside where all the damage is done
Time is late for this late house call
My body is now emptyFrom all the things that I gave to you
They can’t be given back anymore
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 22/40
22
My body is now emptyFrom all the things that I gave to you
They can’t be given back anymore
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 23/40
23
Premeditated Spontaneity – How the wind and I can converse together
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 24/40
24
Time
Precious as a form of currency
Yet worthless as a method of paymentIt’s abundant but scarceWith time comes rejuvenation and deterioration
Opportunities and wasted chances
Don’t ask for it back
It only comes anew
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 25/40
25
Sawdust Bones
There is a broken man
Cracked from no grout in the spaces in betweenHis lack of a beat to a drum gets me all fired up
While soft piano music plays in the distance
Overlooking a cemetery
Where the graves of werewolves are nestled
The hymns of ghosts are sung by the zombie choir
A horde of flats and sharpsWith no conductor to direct them
Here, darkness commands
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 26/40
26
Backwards “S”
Do it for you
Not one or twoA backwards “S,” it’s true
Blank pages, sprawled around
A burst of color, splattered down
Your own drum to beat to
Silence deafens to those in range
Of New York bombs on 5 th AvenueBarely time to buy your escape
Thinking is for the peasantry
Cool water to soak your woundsFrom your nonexistent struggle
You’re a backwards “S,” not out of place
Just looking silly
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 27/40
27
A Shared Separation
All over the world, people are alone
They feel aloneThey taste lonelinessThey smell the scent of no one
Funny how each individual has feelings of alienation while their neighbor does as well
So are we all alone, together?
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 28/40
28
Trans-Suburbia Nightlight
It could get lighter
Upon this burnt out sunMatches cease to burn
No more torches
To light the funeral pyres
Only candles that yearn
Illuminate the forest, its animals eat fast
Suburbs calling for the pickup of trash
A megaton of candy
For the overachieving kiddies
Report cards make Johnny feel accepted all along
Gravity’s finger curling, we have to followMelancholy desires to flip a switch
Life is now on
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 29/40
29
Dreams
These dreams
They dream other dreamsIs it possibleThat those dreams are the dreams of these dreams?
Does my mind want what it already has
Or does it subconsciously cry for more?
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 30/40
30
Satellites and the Television Monster
This monster on file
Tabbed by numerals only a click awayMessages of the same style
Buy this
Sell that
Which one to likeThose all to hate
An interruption from your local broadcasting serviceThis is a test of the hypnotic hypocrite system
A little bit of damage in exchange for the dollar genie paying a visit
Frolicking in the meadows on top of skyscrapers
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 31/40
31
Why Sit When You Can Lie
Put a dollar in the jar
The hourglass is turnedSoft leather, cool to the touch, burns
The sound of pen on paper begins with a line of scribbles
Where to begin?
Don’t want to say
This overseer on a perch
Observes every movementCareful to not think of it
A confidant it says on the desk
Unsettled in these explanationsTruthfully, the truth will hide
Every grain of sand
Feels like an eternity
Suspended like gravity within a rainbow
Pestering to continue
Inquiring about the origin
More white lies to conceive
Never feeling at ease
Someone who is trained to analyzeDust has accumulated on the window since last time
Hourglass is empty
Next week, againAppointment will be under, “Pinocchio”
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 32/40
32
History
History isn’t what has happened
Rather what we regretWhat we should have done, wanted to doBut were conflicted by outside factors different to our own
However, in our reflections we realize our mistakes
That if things were different we’d be happier, fitter, more comfortable, richer, skinnier, bigger,
louder, brighter, faster, taller, smarter, and better
That’s us
Aside from the people who made today, yesterdayThey are happier, fitter, more comfortable, richer, skinnier, bigger, louder, brighter, faster, taller,
smarter, and better than us
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 33/40
33
Neither Here or There
This place used to mean so much
Now it annoys me to the touchI only come back for air
Steamrolling through the streets
On the heels of a bureaucrat’s feet
No peace to know
I don’t like it here, nor there
I don’t like it there, nor here
Stale as a nostalgic tree
With branches swaying in the breeze
No fake plastic trees here
A port of information
Invoking a sensation No boredom here
I don’t like it here, nor there
I don’t like it there, nor here
Somewhere there’s a place for me
A place that will set me freeWith lasting love
Nowhere is where I’ll resideWith a blending of suicide
I can just turn and run
I don’t like it here, nor thereI don’t like it there, nor here
And if I could leave and float awayIf I could leave and float away
If I could leave and float away
I’d live in the sky with Lucy
In the sky with her diamonds
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 34/40
34
My Videotape
(Play)
This movie is a regretful oneMany things I watch and wish I did
So many people I should have treated differently
Those ones are happy in their livesLiving a life that I don’t feel comfortable with
Because society has taught me to look down upon it
Who’s the miserable one now?
Me
Lamenting in my own purgatoryF l o a t i n g s o m e w h e r e
(Rewind)
Back to her face, eyes, pleas, cries
I let her go; didn’t see her worth
Her departure may have been for something greater
Hmm…
(Fast Forward)
Opening a book
Reading words I don’t care for
Blah, blah, blahWait…
(Pause)
I’m numb from the sobering fact that this movie is a person’s life: mine
A sad life filled with regret, melancholy, teenage crush-like memories
Broken hearts, bloodshed, death, and a gaping hole in the purpose department
No matter what happens, I cannot cloud the fact that this movie will never end unless I make a
new one
Until another showing
(Eject)
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 35/40
35
Marooned
On the water’s edge
A sheet of blue eternityGrains of the past fill the spaces in between your toes
Echoes of silence
Cries for help
Rumbling of the tide as it washes today away
Shadows overhead
Clouding the view No one can see this oasis from miles apart
Spearhead a result
Mission to leave this wanted miseryBackup plan to create a new home
Awakened by some noise
Dreaming, in and out
Shreds the first note to pieces
Listen to the breeze
Calling out to stay
Like a muse with golden hair
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 36/40
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 37/40
37
Unfair
Pain that is caused by it all
Cross fades into a blendingRather than a healing
Rented friends are returned
Back to their native shelf
Wanted again after a few minutes of inactivity
Strong love for a specific toy
Only leads to attachmentThat rips when pulled away
Lines on the tombstone
Read: too young and too importantFor it to be considered fair
But what is really fair
When the only thing that results
Is hurting inside
Trust in close ones
Is essential for the resolution
Of today’s matters
It’s not so bad
When you say it like thatSince the memories are numb
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 38/40
38
Tyeirs
To bridge another world to yours
It seems impossible
To the nonbelievers, that is
Visitors here are not welcome
Only permanent residents
Enjoy your lively neighborhood first
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 39/40
7/29/2019 Pursuing the Ghost
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/pursuing-the-ghost 40/40