Mental Health

Promotion Series

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

32

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

“” “I felt angry and bitter that my husband was running out on me.Friends were a great support, while work gave my day structure andtook my mind off my problems. But it was also sheer determinationthat got me through. I had to prove to myself, and my ex-husband,that I could cope and provide stability for my children. My job in ahospital has given me back my self-esteem. I have status that Ididn’t have before and I have gained the respect of many people.”

Many people are living in highly stressful relationships – withpartners who are abusive or alcoholic, who have long-termillness, are unemployed, or who are having affairs. You maybe doing your best to cope, to carry on as normal, and mayeven be admired for doing so. But coping really meansacknowledging the stresses, and getting the best help.

This booklet will show you how to do that. It points outsome of the feelings you are likely to experience, andsuggests where to find the help and support you need,either to mend the relationship or to move on successfully.

Mental Health Promotion

?What can cause relationship problems?Relationship problems may be triggered by an unexpected eventlike the loss of a job, illness or the death of a child. But any majorlife change, even some we have chosen ourselves – like movinghouse, having a baby or inviting an elderly parent to live with us– can place huge pressures on a relationship. In some ways theseeveryday events are easier to overlook because we think thateveryone experiences them. So we try to ‘cope’, ignoring thesigns of stress.

Whatever the problem, the first step towards dealing with it isacknowledging it. Here are some of the most common sourcesof stress, and suggested ways of coping with them, which maysave your relationship. Helpful phone numbers and addressesare listed under Useful Organisations on p. 12. On p. 14, underFurther Reading there’s a list of relevant books and bookletsavailable from Mind.

Long-standing illnessThis puts an enormous strain on any partnership. Apart from theextra work involved, the well partner will often have ‘forbidden’feelings like resentment, hatred or jealousy. It’s essential that youhave a place to air feelings so that they don’t get in the way ofyour caring or damage your own health and well-being. Bottlingthem up will only increase the pressure on the relationship. Itcan also take the pressure off if the ill partner has a place totalk. There are organisations that support people with specificdiseases and those caring for them. Your hospital or social workershould have details of groups dealing with your partner’s illness.

32

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

“” “I felt angry and bitter that my husband was running out on me.Friends were a great support, while work gave my day structure andtook my mind off my problems. But it was also sheer determinationthat got me through. I had to prove to myself, and my ex-husband,that I could cope and provide stability for my children. My job in ahospital has given me back my self-esteem. I have status that Ididn’t have before and I have gained the respect of many people.”

Many people are living in highly stressful relationships – withpartners who are abusive or alcoholic, who have long-termillness, are unemployed, or who are having affairs. You maybe doing your best to cope, to carry on as normal, and mayeven be admired for doing so. But coping really meansacknowledging the stresses, and getting the best help.

This booklet will show you how to do that. It points outsome of the feelings you are likely to experience, andsuggests where to find the help and support you need,either to mend the relationship or to move on successfully.

Mental Health Promotion

?What can cause relationship problems?Relationship problems may be triggered by an unexpected eventlike the loss of a job, illness or the death of a child. But any majorlife change, even some we have chosen ourselves – like movinghouse, having a baby or inviting an elderly parent to live with us– can place huge pressures on a relationship. In some ways theseeveryday events are easier to overlook because we think thateveryone experiences them. So we try to ‘cope’, ignoring thesigns of stress.

Whatever the problem, the first step towards dealing with it isacknowledging it. Here are some of the most common sourcesof stress, and suggested ways of coping with them, which maysave your relationship. Helpful phone numbers and addressesare listed under Useful Organisations on p. 12. On p. 14, underFurther Reading there’s a list of relevant books and bookletsavailable from Mind.

Long-standing illnessThis puts an enormous strain on any partnership. Apart from theextra work involved, the well partner will often have ‘forbidden’feelings like resentment, hatred or jealousy. It’s essential that youhave a place to air feelings so that they don’t get in the way ofyour caring or damage your own health and well-being. Bottlingthem up will only increase the pressure on the relationship. Itcan also take the pressure off if the ill partner has a place totalk. There are organisations that support people with specificdiseases and those caring for them. Your hospital or social workershould have details of groups dealing with your partner’s illness.

It’s essential that you have time alone together away from thechildren. You might book a babysitter and go out for the evening,or leave the children with friends for part of the weekend. Themain carer is also likely to be pretty desperate for time alone orwith friends away from children on a regular basis. Try to workthings out between you so that you are both getting your needsmet. This can relieve a lot of the pressure on your relationship.

Unemployment and redundancy Redundancy is usually sudden and shocking. Whatever the reason,it’s likely to dent someone’s self-esteem and so make them bad-tempered and moody, as well as anxious. At the same time, theirpartner may start to feel resentful if they are supporting both ofyou. This may be aggravated if, quite understandably, the joblessperson is keeping themselves busy by seeing friends or takingup other pastimes. Negotiate so that the working partner getsmore support – by not having to do the shopping or cooking,for example.

If neither of you works, you’re both likely to get anxious and – unlessyou express these feelings – tense, angry or simply withdrawn.Long-term unemployment, whether it’s you, your partner or agrown-up child, is draining for the whole family. The unemployedperson will often feel inadequate and powerless and this maymean that they withdraw sexually. They may also feel sad,depressed, or humiliated.

Depending on how long you have been unemployed, yourEmployment Service should be able to offer you a programme tohelp you to find work and enable you to talk to others in a similarsituation. You should be able to discuss this with your EmploymentService Adviser. You may be eligible for a work trial after six months.

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AlcoholismYou may have knowingly teamed up with a drinker, or your partnermay begin drinking later in your relationship. One of the hardestthings about living with an alcoholic is their mood swings. Theymay be quite abusive, even violent, when drunk, but charmingwhen sober; affectionate and attentive when they’re drinking,but very withdrawn again when they stop. And the expense ofdrinking may cause money problems. Your partner’s alcoholismneed not lead to the end of your relationship if you are bothwilling to get help.

StepchildrenIt’s quite common to feel jealous of and competitive with yourpartner’s child or children, perhaps almost feeling like anotherchild yourself. These are very uncomfortable feelings. Rememberthat your partner has chosen to live with you and that you havean adult-to-adult relationship that is quite different from theparent-child relationship. Try to establish your own relationshipwith the child, for example by finding an enjoyable activity thatyou do together without your partner.

Some stepchildren may seem deliberately hostile to a step-parent.They may feel that aggression is their only source of power in thissituation, and will express it openly or by silence and withdrawal.You will need to talk to your partner to get support, but becareful to talk about your feelings and not to criticise the children.

Babies and young childrenNew babies bring pleasure and joy – they also bring broken nightsand change the balance in your relationship. Sometimes a motheris so involved with her baby that her partner feels excluded andjealous. Many women also go off sex for a period after giving birth.Second babies bring jealousy from the first-born, and generallymore demands. A partner who is feeling neglected may thenwithdraw and stop communicating, or spend more time at work.

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems Mental Health Promotion

It’s essential that you have time alone together away from thechildren. You might book a babysitter and go out for the evening,or leave the children with friends for part of the weekend. Themain carer is also likely to be pretty desperate for time alone orwith friends away from children on a regular basis. Try to workthings out between you so that you are both getting your needsmet. This can relieve a lot of the pressure on your relationship.

Unemployment and redundancy Redundancy is usually sudden and shocking. Whatever the reason,it’s likely to dent someone’s self-esteem and so make them bad-tempered and moody, as well as anxious. At the same time, theirpartner may start to feel resentful if they are supporting both ofyou. This may be aggravated if, quite understandably, the joblessperson is keeping themselves busy by seeing friends or takingup other pastimes. Negotiate so that the working partner getsmore support – by not having to do the shopping or cooking,for example.

If neither of you works, you’re both likely to get anxious and – unlessyou express these feelings – tense, angry or simply withdrawn.Long-term unemployment, whether it’s you, your partner or agrown-up child, is draining for the whole family. The unemployedperson will often feel inadequate and powerless and this maymean that they withdraw sexually. They may also feel sad,depressed, or humiliated.

Depending on how long you have been unemployed, yourEmployment Service should be able to offer you a programme tohelp you to find work and enable you to talk to others in a similarsituation. You should be able to discuss this with your EmploymentService Adviser. You may be eligible for a work trial after six months.

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AlcoholismYou may have knowingly teamed up with a drinker, or your partnermay begin drinking later in your relationship. One of the hardestthings about living with an alcoholic is their mood swings. Theymay be quite abusive, even violent, when drunk, but charmingwhen sober; affectionate and attentive when they’re drinking,but very withdrawn again when they stop. And the expense ofdrinking may cause money problems. Your partner’s alcoholismneed not lead to the end of your relationship if you are bothwilling to get help.

StepchildrenIt’s quite common to feel jealous of and competitive with yourpartner’s child or children, perhaps almost feeling like anotherchild yourself. These are very uncomfortable feelings. Rememberthat your partner has chosen to live with you and that you havean adult-to-adult relationship that is quite different from theparent-child relationship. Try to establish your own relationshipwith the child, for example by finding an enjoyable activity thatyou do together without your partner.

Some stepchildren may seem deliberately hostile to a step-parent.They may feel that aggression is their only source of power in thissituation, and will express it openly or by silence and withdrawal.You will need to talk to your partner to get support, but becareful to talk about your feelings and not to criticise the children.

Babies and young childrenNew babies bring pleasure and joy – they also bring broken nightsand change the balance in your relationship. Sometimes a motheris so involved with her baby that her partner feels excluded andjealous. Many women also go off sex for a period after giving birth.Second babies bring jealousy from the first-born, and generallymore demands. A partner who is feeling neglected may thenwithdraw and stop communicating, or spend more time at work.

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems Mental Health Promotion

Having an affair does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship. The impulse to have an affair is often a symptomof underlying problems between the two of you. The third partymight be the ‘right’ person but it’s just as likely that you will takethe same problems with you into that new relationship. To tacklethis dilemma it’s crucial that you start listening to each other’sdisappointments and needs, and for this you may find that youneed professional help, from a relationship counsellor for instance.

SexAlthough sexual difficulties are often a symptom of other problems,in some relationships they are the basis of the difficulty. Peopleoften feel shy or ashamed of acknowledging them, but manyproblems are solvable with expert help (see Useful Organisations).

Physical violence and emotional abuseThis is probably one of the most difficult situations to deal with,but there is increasing support available for both partners, whichcould save the relationship. The physical violence doesn’t haveto be frequent to make you a victim. More common and perhapseven more frightening and undermining is the emotional abuse.

Slamming doors and threats like, ‘Don’t you ever do that again’evoke a constant fear of violence. You may begin to adapt yourbehaviour so that you don’t provoke your partner. You may getconfused because your partner becomes loving after an attack,telling you it wasn’t that bad, that you should forget about it,perhaps even pretending that it didn’t happen, so that youbegin to doubt your own experience.

Your partner may be in the habit of humiliating you in front ofyour friends, or making constant critical remarks about what youdo and how you look. This kind of verbal abuse may happen againand again, and can be devastating over time.

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HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

6

If you have not worked for a year, your Employment Service willconduct a series of interviews and then ask you to attend JobPlan. This means going to five days of workshops designed tohelp you plan your future. At these workshops you can talkabout your situation on an individual basis with the workshopleader, and share your experiences with other people in a similarsituation (see Mind’s Employment Factsheet, details on p. 14).

Money problems Shortage of money can produce a lot of anxiety and fear andeasily become the main focus of your relationship. Share yourfeelings as much as you can rather than withdrawing in panicor blaming your partner for not earning enough. You couldcontact the National Debtline (see p. 13) or go together to yourlocal Citizens Advice Bureau (details in your telephone book). AllCAB staff are trained to offer help with debt and redundancyproblems. They can help you to check whether you are gettingall the benefits you are entitled to, and discuss whether otheroptions are available.

Many so-called ‘money problems’ are actually power strugglesbeing played out through money. If this is what is happeningwith you, a counsellor or therapist is probably your best sourceof help (see Useful Organisations on p. 12 and Further Readingon p. 14).

Starting an affairMany people fall in love and start a relationship hoping that it’sgoing to meet all their needs and that they will live ‘happily everafter’. When they run into problems – whether at home or atwork – it’s easy to blame the relationship and think they are withthe wrong person. At this point, it may be tempting to give upon the relationship or start an affair with somebody else.

Mental Health Promotion

Having an affair does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship. The impulse to have an affair is often a symptomof underlying problems between the two of you. The third partymight be the ‘right’ person but it’s just as likely that you will takethe same problems with you into that new relationship. To tacklethis dilemma it’s crucial that you start listening to each other’sdisappointments and needs, and for this you may find that youneed professional help, from a relationship counsellor for instance.

SexAlthough sexual difficulties are often a symptom of other problems,in some relationships they are the basis of the difficulty. Peopleoften feel shy or ashamed of acknowledging them, but manyproblems are solvable with expert help (see Useful Organisations).

Physical violence and emotional abuseThis is probably one of the most difficult situations to deal with,but there is increasing support available for both partners, whichcould save the relationship. The physical violence doesn’t haveto be frequent to make you a victim. More common and perhapseven more frightening and undermining is the emotional abuse.

Slamming doors and threats like, ‘Don’t you ever do that again’evoke a constant fear of violence. You may begin to adapt yourbehaviour so that you don’t provoke your partner. You may getconfused because your partner becomes loving after an attack,telling you it wasn’t that bad, that you should forget about it,perhaps even pretending that it didn’t happen, so that youbegin to doubt your own experience.

Your partner may be in the habit of humiliating you in front ofyour friends, or making constant critical remarks about what youdo and how you look. This kind of verbal abuse may happen againand again, and can be devastating over time.

7

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

6

If you have not worked for a year, your Employment Service willconduct a series of interviews and then ask you to attend JobPlan. This means going to five days of workshops designed tohelp you plan your future. At these workshops you can talkabout your situation on an individual basis with the workshopleader, and share your experiences with other people in a similarsituation (see Mind’s Employment Factsheet, details on p. 14).

Money problems Shortage of money can produce a lot of anxiety and fear andeasily become the main focus of your relationship. Share yourfeelings as much as you can rather than withdrawing in panicor blaming your partner for not earning enough. You couldcontact the National Debtline (see p. 13) or go together to yourlocal Citizens Advice Bureau (details in your telephone book). AllCAB staff are trained to offer help with debt and redundancyproblems. They can help you to check whether you are gettingall the benefits you are entitled to, and discuss whether otheroptions are available.

Many so-called ‘money problems’ are actually power strugglesbeing played out through money. If this is what is happeningwith you, a counsellor or therapist is probably your best sourceof help (see Useful Organisations on p. 12 and Further Readingon p. 14).

Starting an affairMany people fall in love and start a relationship hoping that it’sgoing to meet all their needs and that they will live ‘happily everafter’. When they run into problems – whether at home or atwork – it’s easy to blame the relationship and think they are withthe wrong person. At this point, it may be tempting to give upon the relationship or start an affair with somebody else.

Mental Health Promotion

?

9

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

8

Emotional abuse may also take the form of silent withdrawal. Inthis situation most people start to feel ugly, worthless, ashamed,unloved and unlovable. You may start to move away from yourfriends and become withdrawn at work. As your self-esteemplummets, you may feel increasingly dependent for friendshipand love on the very person who is abusing you.

Partners may resort to violence in response to their own feelingsof inadequacy, insecurity, loneliness and depression. The patternsinvolved in a violent and abusive relationship usually run verydeep and you will need experienced help if you are to save yourrelationship. Acknowledging what is going on is an importantfirst step. You might want to start by talking to a friend beforegoing for professional help.

How do I find someone experienced to talk to? Helplines If you want to talk to someone but don’t feel ready to talk faceto face, then you could start by ringing one of the helplines listedat the end of the booklet on p. 12.

Counselling and psychotherapyTalking to an independent third party on a strictly confidentialbasis at this point in your relationship can be enormously helpful.You may have a friend who has been to see a counsellor ortherapist and can give you a personal recommendation, or yourGP may be able to refer you to someone. Alternatively, contactone of the organisations, such as Relate, listed at the back of thisbooklet. Some local projects offer help to both male and femalevictims of domestic violence. Details of these organisations shouldbe in your phone book, alternatively contact the Mindinfoline.(See also Mind’s booklet Understanding Talking Treatments,under Further Reading on p. 14).

?What do I do when I know it’s over?Even if you have decided your relationship is over, it can be verydifficult to leave, especially if it’s an abusive one. However badyour relationship is, it’s familiar and we are all scared of theunknown. You might be afraid of being lonely, and that you willnever have another relationship. If you have been married a longtime you may feel ashamed and not want friends and neighboursto know. If you have been financially supported by your partneror shared bills you will probably have anxieties about money.There may also be a period of doubting, where you think maybethis relationship is as good as any other – ‘everyone has problems’.Once you have made the decision, you will find your separationgoes more smoothly if you have help.

Getting helpMost conflicts at the end of a relationship centre on housing andpossessions, money and children. A lot of power struggles getplayed out in these areas and discussions tend to get very emotional.You may wish to consider seeing a counsellor to get some supportduring this stressful period. Another option is to go to your legaladvice centre, which should have a free surgery at least once aweek. They can refer you to a solicitor specialising in conciliation(see pp. 12-13). If you have any difficulty getting access to eitherof these, the Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to help you.They can also advise you about your statutory rights, and variousoptions available for dealing with any financial or housing problems.

If you are leaving a violent relationship and are living with the threatof being hit, you are deemed to be ‘homeless’. However, you willnot necessarily be regarded as being in priority need of rehousingunless you have children or are pregnant. It’s worth contactingyour local housing department to discuss the situation. If you needinformation about emergency shelters, see p. 12 and p. 14.

Mental Health Promotion

?

9

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

8

Emotional abuse may also take the form of silent withdrawal. Inthis situation most people start to feel ugly, worthless, ashamed,unloved and unlovable. You may start to move away from yourfriends and become withdrawn at work. As your self-esteemplummets, you may feel increasingly dependent for friendshipand love on the very person who is abusing you.

Partners may resort to violence in response to their own feelingsof inadequacy, insecurity, loneliness and depression. The patternsinvolved in a violent and abusive relationship usually run verydeep and you will need experienced help if you are to save yourrelationship. Acknowledging what is going on is an importantfirst step. You might want to start by talking to a friend beforegoing for professional help.

How do I find someone experienced to talk to? Helplines If you want to talk to someone but don’t feel ready to talk faceto face, then you could start by ringing one of the helplines listedat the end of the booklet on p. 12.

Counselling and psychotherapyTalking to an independent third party on a strictly confidentialbasis at this point in your relationship can be enormously helpful.You may have a friend who has been to see a counsellor ortherapist and can give you a personal recommendation, or yourGP may be able to refer you to someone. Alternatively, contactone of the organisations, such as Relate, listed at the back of thisbooklet. Some local projects offer help to both male and femalevictims of domestic violence. Details of these organisations shouldbe in your phone book, alternatively contact the Mindinfoline.(See also Mind’s booklet Understanding Talking Treatments,under Further Reading on p. 14).

?What do I do when I know it’s over?Even if you have decided your relationship is over, it can be verydifficult to leave, especially if it’s an abusive one. However badyour relationship is, it’s familiar and we are all scared of theunknown. You might be afraid of being lonely, and that you willnever have another relationship. If you have been married a longtime you may feel ashamed and not want friends and neighboursto know. If you have been financially supported by your partneror shared bills you will probably have anxieties about money.There may also be a period of doubting, where you think maybethis relationship is as good as any other – ‘everyone has problems’.Once you have made the decision, you will find your separationgoes more smoothly if you have help.

Getting helpMost conflicts at the end of a relationship centre on housing andpossessions, money and children. A lot of power struggles getplayed out in these areas and discussions tend to get very emotional.You may wish to consider seeing a counsellor to get some supportduring this stressful period. Another option is to go to your legaladvice centre, which should have a free surgery at least once aweek. They can refer you to a solicitor specialising in conciliation(see pp. 12-13). If you have any difficulty getting access to eitherof these, the Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to help you.They can also advise you about your statutory rights, and variousoptions available for dealing with any financial or housing problems.

If you are leaving a violent relationship and are living with the threatof being hit, you are deemed to be ‘homeless’. However, you willnot necessarily be regarded as being in priority need of rehousingunless you have children or are pregnant. It’s worth contactingyour local housing department to discuss the situation. If you needinformation about emergency shelters, see p. 12 and p. 14.

Mental Health Promotion

??

11

How will separating affect the children?One danger after separation is that parents use children as pawns,playing out their own unresolved feelings of anger and hurt.This might be by withholding maintenance. Or you may want toexclude your ex-partner, who doesn’t have custody, from parents’evenings, coming to your home, or picking the children up fromschool. These power struggles are damaging for the child andshould be dealt with privately between you and your partner. A counsellor or conciliation lawyer could help you with this.

Behaviour patterns to avoidChildren and the main carer tend to react in certain patterns toseparation. Being aware of these can help you to deal with them.One pattern is that the child and the parent they live with becomemuch too dependent on each other (especially if it’s just the twoof them). Sometimes, if there are a number of children, the parentopts out and the children evolve a system amongst themselves,so that an older child may take on the role of parent. Anothertrap is for the parent to overcompensate, out of guilt, and feelcompelled to do everything for the children to make up for whathas happened. She or he may be too lax, or anxious about settinglimits because of this.

Children in troubleToo frequently, a child starts extreme acting-out, either withabusive behaviour towards the parent or by bullying behaviouror withdrawal at school. A danger here is that the behaviour maybe excused and tolerated because the child has had such a roughtime. There are now many voluntary organisations offeringcounselling for children, and it may also be available throughthe child’s school.

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

10

How do I move on?The first step is to acknowledge how you are feeling. If you havebeen left, you will probably be feeling abandoned and negativeabout yourself – that you’ll never have another relationship andno-one will ever love you again. You may find these feelings giveway to anger, which is a natural and healthy response to beingleft. Expressing your anger at this point is one of the best waysof raising your self-esteem and not sinking into depression. Evenif you feel relieved or have chosen to end the relationship, youare still likely to have feelings of loss, anger and sadness andwill have to go through a grieving process.

If you have been in an abusive relationship, you will need towork on freeing yourself from repeating the pattern. You mayfind counselling or psychotherapy a useful tool.

Rediscovering your identityIf you have just ended a long-term relationship you may feel quitelost – ‘Who am I now I’m not in a relationship?’ If you are awoman leaving a marriage, you may find yourself ‘dropped’ bywomen who see you as a threat. Talking to people in your ownsituation can be very helpful. This is also a good time to lookback at what was positive and nurturing and what was negativeor undermining in your relationship. This can give you more of asense of self and help you to move on. You might also reviewyour life generally. Which friendships or activities are satisfying?What about work?

Two common responses to ending a long-term relationship areto rush straight into another, or close off from the possibility ofintimacy. Whether or not you follow these impulses, this is atime when it’s important to focus on yourself (see FurtherReading on p. 14 for the Mind booklets that can help.)

Mental Health Promotion

??

11

How will separating affect the children?One danger after separation is that parents use children as pawns,playing out their own unresolved feelings of anger and hurt.This might be by withholding maintenance. Or you may want toexclude your ex-partner, who doesn’t have custody, from parents’evenings, coming to your home, or picking the children up fromschool. These power struggles are damaging for the child andshould be dealt with privately between you and your partner. A counsellor or conciliation lawyer could help you with this.

Behaviour patterns to avoidChildren and the main carer tend to react in certain patterns toseparation. Being aware of these can help you to deal with them.One pattern is that the child and the parent they live with becomemuch too dependent on each other (especially if it’s just the twoof them). Sometimes, if there are a number of children, the parentopts out and the children evolve a system amongst themselves,so that an older child may take on the role of parent. Anothertrap is for the parent to overcompensate, out of guilt, and feelcompelled to do everything for the children to make up for whathas happened. She or he may be too lax, or anxious about settinglimits because of this.

Children in troubleToo frequently, a child starts extreme acting-out, either withabusive behaviour towards the parent or by bullying behaviouror withdrawal at school. A danger here is that the behaviour maybe excused and tolerated because the child has had such a roughtime. There are now many voluntary organisations offeringcounselling for children, and it may also be available throughthe child’s school.

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

10

How do I move on?The first step is to acknowledge how you are feeling. If you havebeen left, you will probably be feeling abandoned and negativeabout yourself – that you’ll never have another relationship andno-one will ever love you again. You may find these feelings giveway to anger, which is a natural and healthy response to beingleft. Expressing your anger at this point is one of the best waysof raising your self-esteem and not sinking into depression. Evenif you feel relieved or have chosen to end the relationship, youare still likely to have feelings of loss, anger and sadness andwill have to go through a grieving process.

If you have been in an abusive relationship, you will need towork on freeing yourself from repeating the pattern. You mayfind counselling or psychotherapy a useful tool.

Rediscovering your identityIf you have just ended a long-term relationship you may feel quitelost – ‘Who am I now I’m not in a relationship?’ If you are awoman leaving a marriage, you may find yourself ‘dropped’ bywomen who see you as a threat. Talking to people in your ownsituation can be very helpful. This is also a good time to lookback at what was positive and nurturing and what was negativeor undermining in your relationship. This can give you more of asense of self and help you to move on. You might also reviewyour life generally. Which friendships or activities are satisfying?What about work?

Two common responses to ending a long-term relationship areto rush straight into another, or close off from the possibility ofintimacy. Whether or not you follow these impulses, this is atime when it’s important to focus on yourself (see FurtherReading on p. 14 for the Mind booklets that can help.)

Mental Health Promotion

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HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

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Useful organisations

Alcoholics Anonymous PO Box 1, Stonebow House, Stonebow, York YO1 7NJtel. 01904 644026, web: www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy 1 Regent Place, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2PJtel. 0870 443 5252, fax: 0870 443 5160, e-mail: bacp@bacp.org.ukweb: www.counselling.co.ukSend an SAE for details of local practitioners

British Confederation of Psychotherapists (BCP)37 Mapesbury Road, London NW2 4HJ, tel. 020 8830 5173fax: 020 8452 3684, web: www.bcp.org.ukCan provide a register of members

Domestic Violence Intervention ProjectPO Box 2838, London, W6 9ZE, tel. 020 8748 6512 (women’ssupport service) or 020 8563 7983 (violence prevention programme for men), e-mail: info@dvip.org, web: www.dvip.org

Everyman ProjectRose McAndrew Health Centre, Beale House, Lingham StLondon SW9 9HF, tel. 020 7737 6747For men who want to stop their violent or abusive behaviour

Family Contact Line30 Church Street, Altrincham WA14 4DWtel. 0161 941 4011 helpline and appointmentsHelpline for marital and relationship problems

Internet Legal Advice Serviceweb: www.justask.org.uk

Mental Health Promotion

Marriage CareClitherow House, 1 Blythe Mews, Blythe Road, London W14 0NWhelpline: 0845 660 6000, tel. 020 7371 1341fax: 020 7371 4921, e-mail: info@marriagecare.org.uk web: www.marriagecare.org.uk

National Debtlinetel. 0808 808 4000

National Family Mediation9 Tavistock Place, London WC1H 9SNtel. 020 7383 5993, fax: 020 7383 5994e-mail: general@nfm.org.ukweb: www.nfm.u-net.comHelps couples make decisions about how to separate

Parentline Plus520 Highgate Studios, 53-79 Highgate Road, Kentish TownLondon NW5 1TL, helpline: 0808 800 2222 e-mail: headoffice@parentlineplus.org.ukweb. www.parentlineplus.org.uk

RelateHerbert Gray College, Little Church Street, Rugby CV21 3APtel. 01788 573241, e-mail: enquiries@national.relate.org.ukweb. www.relate.org.ukFor any relationship and sexual problems

Women’s Aid Federation England, PO Box 391, Bristol BS997WS, helpline: 08457 023468 , e-mail: wafe@wafe.co.ukweb: www.womensaid.org.ukCan provide information about shelters

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HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

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Useful organisations

Alcoholics Anonymous PO Box 1, Stonebow House, Stonebow, York YO1 7NJtel. 01904 644026, web: www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy 1 Regent Place, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2PJtel. 0870 443 5252, fax: 0870 443 5160, e-mail: bacp@bacp.org.ukweb: www.counselling.co.ukSend an SAE for details of local practitioners

British Confederation of Psychotherapists (BCP)37 Mapesbury Road, London NW2 4HJ, tel. 020 8830 5173fax: 020 8452 3684, web: www.bcp.org.ukCan provide a register of members

Domestic Violence Intervention ProjectPO Box 2838, London, W6 9ZE, tel. 020 8748 6512 (women’ssupport service) or 020 8563 7983 (violence prevention programme for men), e-mail: info@dvip.org, web: www.dvip.org

Everyman ProjectRose McAndrew Health Centre, Beale House, Lingham StLondon SW9 9HF, tel. 020 7737 6747For men who want to stop their violent or abusive behaviour

Family Contact Line30 Church Street, Altrincham WA14 4DWtel. 0161 941 4011 helpline and appointmentsHelpline for marital and relationship problems

Internet Legal Advice Serviceweb: www.justask.org.uk

Mental Health Promotion

Marriage CareClitherow House, 1 Blythe Mews, Blythe Road, London W14 0NWhelpline: 0845 660 6000, tel. 020 7371 1341fax: 020 7371 4921, e-mail: info@marriagecare.org.uk web: www.marriagecare.org.uk

National Debtlinetel. 0808 808 4000

National Family Mediation9 Tavistock Place, London WC1H 9SNtel. 020 7383 5993, fax: 020 7383 5994e-mail: general@nfm.org.ukweb: www.nfm.u-net.comHelps couples make decisions about how to separate

Parentline Plus520 Highgate Studios, 53-79 Highgate Road, Kentish TownLondon NW5 1TL, helpline: 0808 800 2222 e-mail: headoffice@parentlineplus.org.ukweb. www.parentlineplus.org.uk

RelateHerbert Gray College, Little Church Street, Rugby CV21 3APtel. 01788 573241, e-mail: enquiries@national.relate.org.ukweb. www.relate.org.ukFor any relationship and sexual problems

Women’s Aid Federation England, PO Box 391, Bristol BS997WS, helpline: 08457 023468 , e-mail: wafe@wafe.co.ukweb: www.womensaid.org.ukCan provide information about shelters

Mental Health Promotion

15

Please send me the titles marked above. I enclose a cheque (including 10% for p&p) payable to Mind for £

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For a catalogue of publications from Mind, send a A4 SAE tothe address below.

If you would like to order any of the titles listed here, pleasephotocopy or tear out these pages, and indicate in the appropriateboxes the number of each title that you require.

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tel. 020 8221 9666fax: 020 8534 6399 e-mail: publications@mind.org.uk (Allow 28 days for delivery).

The Anger Control Workbook M. McKay, P. Rogers (New Harbinger Press 2000) £14.99Asserting your Self C. Birch (How to Books 1999) £9.99The Assertiveness Workbook R. J. Paterson (New Harbinger Press 2000) £12.99Comfort and Care in Final Illness J. Kolf (Sheldon 2000) £6.99Emotional Claustrophobia A. Matsakis (New Harbinger Press2000) £10.99Factsheet: Carers (Mind 2001) £1 Factsheet: Emergency Housing (Mind 2001) 50pFactsheet: Employment (Mind 2001) £1How to Accept Yourself Dr W. Dryden (Sheldon 1999) £6.99How to Assert Yourself (Mind 2001) £1How to Cope with Doubts about your Sexual Identity(Mind 1999) £1How to Cope with Loneliness (Mind 2000) £1How to Deal with Anger (Mind 2001) £1How to Increase your Self-esteem (Mind 2001) £1How to Look After Yourself (Mind 1999) £1How to Survive Family Life (Mind 1998) £1How to Survive Midlife Crisis (Mind 1998) £1Life After Loss B. Deits (Fisher Books 2000) £11.99Managing Anger G. Lindenfield (Thorsons 1993) £6.99Midlife: A manual J. and S. Erstrine (Element 1999) £9.99Overcoming Anger and Irritability W. Davies (Robinson 2000) £7.99Overcoming Anxiety H. Kennerley (Robinson 1997) £7.99Overcoming Low Self-esteem M. Fennell (Robinson 1999) £7.99Postnatal Depression P. Nicholson (Routledge 1998) £4.50Understanding Anxiety (Mind 2001) £1Understanding Bereavement (Mind 2000) £1Understanding Caring (Mind 2000) £1Understanding Childhood Distress (Mind 1997) £1Understanding Talking Treatments (Mind 2000) £1

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

14

Further reading and order form

Mental Health Promotion

15

Please send me the titles marked above. I enclose a cheque (including 10% for p&p) payable to Mind for £

Name

Address

Postcode

tel.

For a catalogue of publications from Mind, send a A4 SAE tothe address below.

If you would like to order any of the titles listed here, pleasephotocopy or tear out these pages, and indicate in the appropriateboxes the number of each title that you require.

Please add 10% for postage and packing, and enclose acheque for the whole amount, payable to Mind. Return yourcompleted order form together with your cheque to:

Mind Mail Order 15-19 Broadway London E15 4BQ

tel. 020 8221 9666fax: 020 8534 6399 e-mail: publications@mind.org.uk (Allow 28 days for delivery).

The Anger Control Workbook M. McKay, P. Rogers (New Harbinger Press 2000) £14.99Asserting your Self C. Birch (How to Books 1999) £9.99The Assertiveness Workbook R. J. Paterson (New Harbinger Press 2000) £12.99Comfort and Care in Final Illness J. Kolf (Sheldon 2000) £6.99Emotional Claustrophobia A. Matsakis (New Harbinger Press2000) £10.99Factsheet: Carers (Mind 2001) £1 Factsheet: Emergency Housing (Mind 2001) 50pFactsheet: Employment (Mind 2001) £1How to Accept Yourself Dr W. Dryden (Sheldon 1999) £6.99How to Assert Yourself (Mind 2001) £1How to Cope with Doubts about your Sexual Identity(Mind 1999) £1How to Cope with Loneliness (Mind 2000) £1How to Deal with Anger (Mind 2001) £1How to Increase your Self-esteem (Mind 2001) £1How to Look After Yourself (Mind 1999) £1How to Survive Family Life (Mind 1998) £1How to Survive Midlife Crisis (Mind 1998) £1Life After Loss B. Deits (Fisher Books 2000) £11.99Managing Anger G. Lindenfield (Thorsons 1993) £6.99Midlife: A manual J. and S. Erstrine (Element 1999) £9.99Overcoming Anger and Irritability W. Davies (Robinson 2000) £7.99Overcoming Anxiety H. Kennerley (Robinson 1997) £7.99Overcoming Low Self-esteem M. Fennell (Robinson 1999) £7.99Postnatal Depression P. Nicholson (Routledge 1998) £4.50Understanding Anxiety (Mind 2001) £1Understanding Bereavement (Mind 2000) £1Understanding Caring (Mind 2000) £1Understanding Childhood Distress (Mind 1997) £1Understanding Talking Treatments (Mind 2000) £1

HOW TO ... cope with relationship problems

14

Further reading and order form

HOW TO ... relationship problemsHOW TO ... Increase your self-esteem

This booklet was written by Ann de BoursacISBN 1-874690-52-9. First published by Mind 1995 © Mind 2001

No reproduction without permission

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