psy567 - project

8/7/2019 PSY567 - Project

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Pre-Marriage Counseling

Preparing for the Ride of Your Life

Jeffrey Brooks Price

10/25/2010

This 8 week counseling program is designed to help a couple navigate through the ups and downs of

their engagement as they work towards a mutual understanding of what their marriage will look like.

They will be asked to take the Prepare and Enrich Assessment prior to the first week, and it will be used

throughout the first and subsequent weeks as the essential topics are addressed. The final two weeks

will take place on or around the six month and one year wedding anniversaries as a follow-up and to

provide ongoing support for the couple. As such these final two weeks may be optional, or used prior to

the wedding if further time is necessary due to the escalating nature of presenting problems that arise

from the weekly topics.


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Jeffrey Price PSY567 Pre-Marriage Counseling 2

Week 1 Assessment

Topics: Background The Couple, The IndividualsTools: Prepare and Enrich

Whats your Story- together?

Learning about the couples relationship directly from them:

1. How did you meet?

2. What were your first impressions ofone another?

3. What do you love about one another?

4. What frustrates you about oneanother?

5. Tell me about your engagement story.Who was involved? How did your

family & friends react? Where are you

on the wedding planning?

Prepare and Enrich Data

Introduction

The Prepare and Enrich program has provided us a baseline to look at your relationship and

personalities along with the areas of mutual agreement and divergent disagreement. This study

is only a tool to allow us a place to start a conversation that will navigate us through the

sometimes murky and sometimes clear waters of this process. We will come back to it

throughout our time together over the next 6 weeks as we focus on the different areas of

marriage preparation.

Couple Typology, Overall Satisfaction & Idealistic Distortion

Share the results of their customized typology explaining the four types (vitalized, harmonious,

conventional, and conflicted). Then talk through the satisfaction and distortion analysis.

Express the positive results of knowing where they are now, in relationship to the other types,

etc. Start by focusing on the positive levels of couple agreement pointing out that these either

come very naturally to them both, or are the result of a commitment and hard work. Next,

focus on the areas where they can grow over time and provide them a sense of hope that


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change is possible. However, if the couple is conflicted and the background interview reveals

some strong incompatibilities, there may be cause to give them the Should We Get Married?

booklet from CCEF to discuss in week 2.

Outline of the Prepare and Enrich assessment topics that we will be reviewing in depth in the

following weeks:

1. Interfaith/Interchurch Week 22. Communication, Conflict Resolution, and Partner Style & Habits Week 33. Family & Friends and Leisure Activities Week 54. Relationship Roles, Sexual/Marriage/Parenting Expectations, and Financial Management

Week 6

Who are you as individuals?

Finally, we will discuss their background as individuals asking about any major life traumas.

During this time we will concentrate on the Prepare and Enrich scale of personality SCOPE,

assessing areas of compatibility, and then discussing the potential areas of concern where there

is a disparity in scale scores. These disparities can be addressed as both cause for concern andused as strengths for the couple to balance each other.

Lastly, the homework will be assigned and it will be explained below what they are to do in

between weeks. It wont all be essential, but it will all be helpful. They will be asked to

individually read a book, and reflect on the commitments they will be making to each other by

journaling their thoughts. And they will be asked to corporately worship by reading the

assigned passages to one another, to gain insights into how God both prepares young men (in

Proverbs) and young women (in Song of Songs) for life. The final practice will vary in purpose

from week to week.

Homework

Read: What did you Expect?Chapters 1-4

Reflect: Commitment 1 We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and

forgiveness.

Worship: Him Proverbs 1:1-7, 20-22, 32-33 Her Song of Songs 1: 1-4, 8-10, 12-15

Practice: Individually, create two timelines that chart the highs and lows of your life and

your relationship. Share your results with one another and talk about the points

you picked out and why.


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Week 2 Head, Heart & HopeTopics: Faith and Trust in God and in each other

Tools: Prepare and Enrich, Fighting For your Marriage Exercise Chapter 16,

Hope-Focused Intervention 7.2

Review

Ask about the homework and get their feedback on how their time was spent individually and

together. Did anything surprise, excite, or scare them? Reinforce that this will be a lifetime of

discovery as they learn about each other and themselves. To follow-up on what was discussed

last week, we will discuss the Relationship Dynamics portion of their Prepare and Enrich

Assessment and they will be asked to talk about any of the areas (assertiveness, self-confidence,

avoidance, dominance) that came up in their timelines.

The FallWho you are in Christ

Here, a brief history of redemption will be presented focusing on creation, fall and redemption.

Walking through selected passages in Genesis 1-3 and Leviticus 17:11 we will discover how sinful

and fallen we are, and how desperately we need a Savoir in Jesus Christ. We will then turn to

the New Testament to look at selected passages from the Gospel of John that highlight Christs

life and ministry. This will be concluded with Luke 24: 13-27 which will connect the Old with the

New Testament as told by Christ himself. Finally, we will look at 2 Corinthian 5:11-21, Romans

8: 31-39 and Colossians 3:1-17 to come to an understanding of redemption and who we are in

Christ.

This time may lead to asking them about their individual conversion experiences, and if that

appeared on their timelines. It may lead to asking one or both to come to faith or discovering

why they are where they are. Finally, we will discuss the results of the Interfaith/Interchurch

assessment encouraging the areas of agreement and focusing our discussion on the areas of

disagreement and the special focus section that reveals their strong differences in their spiritual

connection. It will be vital to understand their commitment to God because it will directly affect

their commitment to one another.

Commitment

Fighting for your Marriage

Commitment is a complex concept, involving both external constraints that hold a relationship

together, and personal dedication, which helps keep alive the desire to stay in a relationship.

Choices about how you think about your partner, how you behave together, and how high a

priority you give the relationship are critical factors in commitment. You need to believe in the

future of your relationship in order to keep it growing and strong.

Prepare and Enrich

Review their answers in the Commitment section for areas of equally strong agreement and

areas of differences that relate to their different degrees of commitment. In pre-marital


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counseling there is likely to be strong agreement in all of these areas, but they will need to be

reminded that this is not always going to be the case. Perhaps they could see that early on in

their relationship when they were first getting to know one another, as one committed

themselves to the relationship more than the other.

Fighting for your Marriage Exercise

I am going to make a series of statements and you will record your agreement on these using a 7point scale: 1 being strongly disagree and 7 being strongly agree. You will answer them

independently first, then add up the scores and well discuss the results.

Constraint Commitment Dedication Commitment1. The steps I would need to take to end this

relationship would require a great deal of time and

effort.

2. A marriage is a sacred bond between two people andshould not be broken.

3. I would have trouble finding a suitable partner if thisrelationship ended.

4. My friends and family really want this relationship towork.

5. I would lose valuable possessions if I left my partner.6. I stay in this relationship partly because my partner

would be emotionally devastated if I left.

7. I couldnt make it financially if we broke up.8. My lifestyle would be worse in many ways if I left my

partner.

9. I feel trapped in this relationship.10. It is important to finish what you have started, no

matter what.

1. My relationship with my partner is more important to methan almost anything else in my life.

2. I want this relationship to stay strong no matter whatrough times we may encounter.

3. It makes me feel good to sacrifice for my partner.4. I like to think of myself and my partner more in terms of

us and we than me and him [or her].

5. I am not seriously attracted to anyone other than mypartner.

6. My relationship with my partner is clearly part of myfuture plans.

7. When push comes to shove, my relationship with mypartner comes first.

8. I tend to think about how things affect us as a couple morethan how things affect me as an individual.

9. I dont often find myself thinking about what it would belike to be in a relationship with someone else.

10. I want to grow old with my partner.Discussing the results ofconstraint: What constraints are you aware of? How powerful are

these constraints? What kind of constraint seems most powerful?

Discussing the results ofdedication: If they scored above 58 then commend them, and if they

scored below 45 then ask what specific statements they scored low on. Encourage them to talk

about what that may mean for their future marriage.

Homework


Reflect: Commitment 2 We will make growth and change our daily agenda.

Worship: Him Proverbs 3: 1-8, 13-18 Her Song of Songs 2: 8-17, 3:1-5

Practice: Complete the questionnaire to assess marriage-relevant values (Hope Focused

7.2) separately. Then discuss 2-3 of the Central Importance and 2-3 of the No

Importance with one another.


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Week 3 Communication & Conflict

Topics: Styles, Skills and SympathyTools: Prepare and Enrich, Fighting for your Marriage

Review

Ask about the homework and what they learned from each others value questionnaire. Did

anything surprise, excite, or scare them? Perhaps there will be an opportunity to use their

results later in this weeks session on conflict.

Communication

Prepare and Enrich

Review their answers in the Communication section for areas of disagreement and where they

may need special focus. Begin with their level of satisfaction and encourage them on their areas

of positive couple agreement. Specifically ask for examples of the occasions they had in mind

when they answered the questions they disagreed on. Encourage them to listen to each others

answers and not interrupt or defend themselves.

Assertiveness and Active Listening

Assertiveness is the ability to express your feelings and ask for what you want in the

relationship. It is a valuable communication skill. In successful couples, both individuals tend to

be quite assertive. Rather than assuming their partner can read their minds, they share how

they feel and ask clearly and directly for what they want.

Active listening is the ability to let your partner know you understand them by restating their

message. Good communication depends on you carefully listening to another person. Active

listening involves listening attentively without interruption and then restating what was heard.

Wish List Exercise

Make a wish list of five things you would like more or less of in your relationship. Take turns

sharing your Wish List with each other. The speakers job is to speak for yourself using I

statements, and to describe how you would feel if your wish came true. The listeners job is to

summarize what you have heard, and describe the wish adding how your partner would feel if

the wish came true.

Discuss what you learned about your partners wants and desires that was new, or if you

learned more about something you were already aware of. What challenges did you face in

speaking or listening? Which was easier or harder? Why?

Partner Style & Habits

Discuss their answers in the Partner Style & Habits section for areas of disagreement and where

they may need special focus. Ask them each which area of disagreement concerns them most

and why. If there is commonality with their wish list, then commend them. If there is not


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commonality, then reengage the Wish List Exercise using these areas of disagreement to help

them communicate and understand one another.

Conflict

Prepare and Enrich

Review their answers in the Personal Stress Profile to understand who is more or less stressed.Ask each partner to describe why they think their partner is stressed by these items, then give

that partner an opportunity to agree or disagree and state why. This will show how much they

understand each other and their levels of stress which can lead to conflict escalation or

resolution.


Being self-aware of your stress is only the beginning to understanding each other and dealing

with conflict when it arises. There are 5 key filters that we can use to distort our partners

communication: distractions, emotional states, beliefs & expectations, differences in style, and

self-protection. When we are not only self-aware of the impact of these filters, but also look for

our partners struggle with them then we can attempt to defuse conflict before it starts.

However that is not always possible, so when it does come up we want to be sure we know how

best to handle conflict.

Prepare and Enrich

Discuss their answers in the Conflict Resolution section. Ask them how the 5 filters may be

impacting the way they handle conflict in areas of disagreement and special focus.

Ten Steps for Resolving Conflict Exercise

Use the exercise for a specific area of conflict that might have come up during this weeks

session or possibly the value questionnaire or something else the couple is struggling with.

Homework


Reflect: Commitment 3 We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.

Worship: Him Proverbs 5: 1-23 Her Song of Songs 4: 1-16

Practice: Take the 5 Love Languages 30-Second Quiz

(http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/) and discuss your results.

Incorporate the Wish List Exercise to share how your partner could communicate

to you more in your love language. Be specific with your wishes.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/


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Week 4 Confession & Forgiveness

Topics: Getting the log out, Mercy and RestorationTools: Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling Intervention 9.1, 9.9, 9.12

Review

Ask about the homework and what stood out to them in their reading or worship times. Were

they provoked, confronted, or comforted? Ask if they would be willing to share anything from

their reflection journal regarding their commitments to trust.

Confession

No other relationship you will ever have will give you as many opportunities for confession and

forgiveness as marriage. Your new spouse will help you see things in yourself that you never

imagined were there it will both be incredibly comforting and unbelievably disappointing at

times. Spouses are like sin mirrors, they only reflect what they see. Fortunately we are not left

in that place of disappointment because our spouses also provide us the greatest opportunity to

be made holy and sanctified.

Matthew7: 1-5

Look at this passage. How does Jesus encourage you to look at conflict? your partners sin or

offense? Where does Jesus tell us to start with conflict resolution? Here we see the theology of

the mirror, which reveals how important it is to begin by looking at our own contributions to the

problem.

Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling Intervention 9.1

Use the scenario from last weeks Ten Steps to Conflict Resolution exercise, or perhaps

something else the couple has shared as a struggle or conflict. Lead them through the

intervention, asking how they contributed to the problem either in the first place or by

escalating it and making it worse. Give them a sense of hope that by regularly confessing and

acknowledging their contributions they will find it easier to forgive one another when

confession and forgiveness are necessary.

Mercy

Colossians 3: 12-15

Marriage will challenge you to put on Christ, when you feel the least like doing so. As Ive heard

pastors say in wedding ceremonies, You will need to love your wife the most when she is least

deserving of it. When you are angry, hurt or upset, it will be the most challenging time to be

compassionate, kind, humble, meek and patient as Paul commends us to be here. And yet

that is when those qualities are needed most. What are some tangibles ways you can exemplify

those qualities in the heat of an argument?


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Notice how easy it is forgive when you maintain those qualities as staples in your personality.

But beyond bearing with one another, there is another reason we should forgive. What does

Paul tell us that reason is? What have you been forgiven by Jesus Christ? In light of that

forgiveness, how should you respond to others?

Forgiveness


Complete the Reflecting on Your Own Forgiveness exercise. Encourage them to think of a

significant experience that occurred outside their relationship and a time that occurred within

their relationship. After they have shared the experience that occurred outside their

relationship, turn to the incident that occurred within their relationship. If they cannot think of

an instance that has occurred within their relationship, then explore any areas of unresolved

forgiveness. This may be an issue that requires further reflection and time outside the session

to resolve.

Homework


Reflect: Commitment 4 We will commit to building a relationship of love.

Worship: Him Proverbs 8: 22-36 Her Song of Songs 5: 10-16, 6: 1-3

Practice: Complete the Fighting for your Marriage Intervention 9.12, Forgiveness as a

Finish to Conflict Resolution. This may or may not result in forgiveness, but

encourage the couple to return to the 10 Steps to Conflict Resolution and this

exercise until they reach a point of completion, forgiveness and resolution.


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Week 5 Closeness, Friendship & Time Management

Topics: Priorities, Family Dynamics and OnenessTools: Prepare and Enrich, Fighting for your Marriage, Tim Keller Sermon

Review

Ask about the homework and if they reached a point of completion, forgiveness and resolution.

If they did reach that point, then ask them what if anything will change as a result of their

forgiveness. If they did not reach that point, ask them what barriers do they see that are still in

the way, and ultimately what they believe forgiveness will look like in this case. Encourage them

to continue to look at their contributions to the issue, and provide hope that a resolution is

possible. Settling for an agreement to disagree may be a viable temporary solution, but it willnot illicit lasting change and forgiveness.

Priorities


An important way to look at dedication is to consider your priorities. How do you actually live

your life? What does this say about your commitment? Take a piece of paper and divide it into

three columns. In the first column, list what you consider your top ten priorities in life with

number one being the most important. Possible priority areas might include work and career,

your partner, children, religion, house and home, sports, future goals, education, possessions,

hobbies, pets, friends, relatives, coworkers, television, car. Feel free to list whatever is

important to you. Be as specific as you can.

Now, in the second column, please list what you think your partner would say are your top five

priorities. In the third column, please list what you believe are your partners top five priorities.

Finally, compare the three columns you created with the three columns your partner created.

Consider how the answers each of you has given affect your relationship.

Prepare and Enrich

Discuss their answers in the Leisure Activities section. We just looked at what their priorities

are, now of those priorities which of those are leisurely or fun? Ask the couple what they enjoy

doing together and apart from one another while focusing on the amount of time they spend

together. Probe the areas of disagreement and indecision to discover what their individual

perspectives on the disagreements are, or if they lean in one direction or the other with theareas of indecision.

Family Dynamics

Prepare and Enrich

Discuss their answers in the Family & Friends section. Do they get along well with each others

friends and family? Ask them about their perceptions of each others relationships with friends


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and family. Focus on their areas of disagreement and talk through each ones understanding on

those topics.

Prepare and Enrich

Discuss their Couple and Family Maps. Explain the positive and negative effects of the various

ranges on the closeness and flexibility scale. Point out their location on the map and the effects

this has on their relationship as both positive and negative. Ask if they would like to changeanything about their location. Next discuss their different family locations and how their

pattern will most likely repeat what they learned, so it is important to know where they could

end up versus where they are presently and where they desire to go.

Friendship

Tim Keller Marriage as Friendship

Listen to sermon. He said that the structure of friendship is a deep oneness from two people

journeying together towards a common horizon. The common horizon friendship take us

towards is the glory self made complete during the journey of life, by each partner cleaning and

nourishing one another as they would their own body (Ephesians 5:29).

How does that affect your understanding of friendship? of marriage? of your relationship?

Do you make one another want to be holy? Why or why not?

How do you or can you help one another live out your salvation in Jesus Christ?

Homework


Reflect: Commitment 5 We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.

Worship: Him Proverbs 7: 1-5, 21-27 Her Song of Songs 7: 10-13, 5: 2-5

Practice: Create individual weekly schedules by being specific with how you spend your

time each day. Compare your calendars and evaluate how much time you

spend together. Then create a joint calendar that represents how you wouldlike to spend your time each week to maximize your time together and

demonstrate the priority of your relationship.


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Week 6 Intimacy & Money

Topics: Roles, Expectations, Sex and FinancesTools: Prepare and Enrich

Gender Roles

Prepare and Enrich

Discuss the results of the Relationship Roles encouraging them in the areas where they were in

agreement, and pointing out the necessity to continue to communicate clearly to one another

as these will change over time. Focus on the areas of disagreement and ask questions about

their family history that may help them understand and explain why their views differ.

Ephesians5: 22-33

Regardless of the outcome of their relationship role study (egalitarian, transitional or

traditional), it will be important for them to see that there is biblical hierarchy. Here it will be

important to point out the greater responsibility is put on the husband, and how important it is

for them both to be working to support one another. This is not about who does the dishes or

not, but is about helping them see how their marriage is to mirror that of the body of Christ in

oneness, in service, and in love. They are to leave their families behind, cleave to one another

and become one united in purpose. This is the profound mystery that they have the great joy

and pleasure to discover throughout their lives.

Great Expectations

Prepare and Enrich

Discuss the results of their Financial Management, Marriage and Parenting Expectations

sections. Provide encouragement in the areas of a positive agreement while pointing out

possible danger zones that while they may both perceive that they agree on the issues in

general, they may not agree on the specifics in each area. Finally, it will be important for them

to remember what they have learned about active listening and conflict resolution as they work

through and talk about the areas of disagreement. The sensitivity of these issues will affect

their lives for years to come and it will be important for them to create safe zones where they

can discuss these topics without the fear of judgment or condemnation from their partner.

Discuss the results of their Sexual Expectation section. This will potentially be when they are

most vulnerable and uncomfortable discussing with a third party. Assure them that what ismost important for them is that they are creating safe zones for themselves to openly discuss

this topic. Encourage them to be playful, and enjoy themselves because sexual intimacy is not

something to be ashamed of, but it is something so beautiful and amazing. It is another

opportunity for them to discover the profound mysteries of living life united as one flesh living

out their salvation in Jesus Christ.

Open the door for their questions about fears, desires, or even mechanics.


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Promises

Marriage is a covenant promise that they are making to one another before God and the

community of family, friends and the church around them. It is based on the structure of

friendship that Tim Keller described as a deep oneness [of] two people journeying togethertowards a common horizon. The promises and vows they make to one another are lifelong,

binding and should not be entered into lightly.

As a couple they have demonstrated their commitment and understanding of this reality as they

have grown their relationship, made a vow to marry one another already and have gone

through this six week long journey of pre-marital counseling. We have all worked hard together

to set them up for success and prepare them for the fruitful and arduous journey ahead.

Now is their time to reflect on the future promises they will be making to one another in

marriage, and back on the counseling sessions. They can share what they have learned from

their readings, reflections and times of worship together or what they found most valuable from

our time together. I would like to encourage them to write their own vows to one another thatthey may or may not use on their wedding day, but to make specific promises based on what

they have learned about each other and themselves. As an alternative, or in conjunction with

their personal vows, it would also be good for them to select a family verse in Scripture that will

speak to them and hold out the promises of God to them throughout their lives together. It will

be a common bond which will unite them in word and spirit.

Homework


Reflect: Commitment 6 We will work to protect our marriage.

Worship: Him Proverbs 9: 1-6, 13-18, 1: 1-7 Her Song of Songs 8: 4-7, 13-14

Practice: Put together a family budget that accounts for living expenses, savings andtithing within their means. Use a budgeting tool and financial management

system likewww.Mint.comthat will make tracking and ongoing management as

easy as possible.
http://www.mint.com/http://www.mint.com/http://www.mint.com/http://www.mint.com/


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Week 7 Six Months Later

Topics: ExpectationsTools: Fighting for your Marriage, Prepare and Enrich, Hope-Focused

Marriage Counseling

Lessons Learned

What is your new story together? Over the past six months your lives have been intertwined

like they have never been before. What have you learned about each other? What have you

learned about yourselves? What would you like to change about either? Has your support

network of friends and family remained involved in your lives? Are they over-involved or under-

involved?

Talking safely about sensitive, deeper issues promotes those feelings of intimacy that come

from knowing you can share who you are and be accepted by your partner. Describe what

your safe zones look like when you talk about these issues. What do you like about them and

what would you change?

Use the Wish List Exercise to communicate something that you would like to see more of or less

of in your marriage.

Hot Spots

Reflect back on the areas of greatest disagreement that came out of their Prepare and Enrichassessments or during the sessions themselves. This may be their personality types, stress

indicators or expectations of marriage, sexual intimacy, or financial management. Discover how

these issues are affecting their relationship now and if there have been any growth or

developments. Provide them the opportunity to listen to one anothers concerns, and discuss

what change would look like for them. Help them make a plan for change in those areas that

seem most important to them.

On a scale of one to five, with one being low and five being high, ask them to rate their level of

satisfaction with their Commitment, Communication, Closeness, Friendship & Intimacy.

Encourage them in the areas of high satisfaction and provide resources for development from

any insightful or helpful interventions from Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling that may be of

support to them in the areas of low satisfaction.


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Week 8 First Anniversary

Topics: Promises and the FutureTools: What did you Expect?, Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling

Interventions 8.3 & 8.6

Promises Kept

Looking back to their wedding day, ask about the vows that they took and if they wrote any for

themselves. Ask them to evaluate themselves on how well they have kept their promises

where they have succeeded, fallen short, or would like to grow. Encourage them to continue to

work together every day on keeping those promises to one another.

Ask them to evaluate themselves on how well they have kept their commitments to one another

that they reflected on in Tripps book. Encourage them to re-read the book now that they are

one year into marriage and to reflect on those commitments once again.

Vision for the Future


Here, it is not important whether they are facing major issues, problems or trauma. It is not

important if they already share a common vision for their marriage. This exercise will help them

crystallize what they see as the perfect marriage to put them on the course of enjoying whatGod has set out for them. Provide any corrective or strategic guidance based on biblical

principles for friendship, love and oneness that should be a part of their vision.

Encourage them to go home and do intervention 8.6, Writing the Statement of the Vision for the

Marriage. This will help them to make their vision concrete and clearly articulated for their

future together which will need Christ as a firm foundation for success.

The couple has set out upon this great journey and is truly on the ride of their lifetime. We have not

been able to resolve all their problems or protect them from conflict, but we have set them on the

righteous path to victory. This path will lead them down the long and lonely road of Calvary, but it willend in glory where they will enjoy themselves for all eternity. May this couple cry out holy, holy, holy as

they remain bound together by Jesus Christ.

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