powerful english hollywood development notes sample

8/3/2019 Powerful English Hollywood Development Notes Sample

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POWERFUL ENGLISH

HOLLYWOOD DEVELOPMENT NOTES

Title: [REDACTED FOR PRIVACY]Writer: [REDACTED FOR PRIVACY]

Draft Date: undated

Genre: Action

Pages: 109Period: Present

Locale: various Virginia, London

Budget: Medium to High

Coverage Date: 12/10/11

Analyst: NB

Excellent Good

Fair

Poor

TITLE: X

CONCEPT: X

STORY: X

STRUCTURE: X

MAIN

CHARACTERS:

X

MINOR

CHARACTERS:

X

DIALOGUE: X

VISUAL

ELEMENTS:

X

CURRENT DRAFT

COMMERCIAL

POTENTIAL:

X

WRITING: X

NUTSHELL: Taken meets Abduction.

PREMISE: A recent college grad discovers his father is a covert agent and becomesaccidentally embroiled when dads final mission before retirement goes awry.

WHATS WORKING:

Concept: The concept is intriguing and in line with recent trends in the industry, feelingvery much in the vein of Taken for the Disturbia set. One caveat is, of course, that

Abduction recently did something fairly similar, with lackluster domestic box officeresults although foreign box office has more than made up for it. Regardless, the core

idea of a son having to step up to rescue his spy father is an interesting one, with a built

in base for logical character arcs already inherent in the premise, as well as an automatic

ticking clock. The strongest elements, as such, are indeed the base idea at the core of thescript, which will make any further rewrites a simple matter of reworking existing


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elements as opposed to outright reinvention.

Action: Exciting action set pieces deliver exactly whats expected by the target audience

for this type of movie. Unique details like the seatbelt used as a sort of tourniquet grab

our interest and help to pull us into the story and the world; in those scenes, I felt like I

was in good hands.

WHAT NEEDS WORK:

Slow start: Once the script really gets to its premise and Lincoln is kidnapped, theoutline of the movie has been set up nicely. A partial issue is simply how long it takes the

project to get to this point, however. Thirty pages may not seem like a lot with all of the

information that needs be presented, but roughly thirty minutes of screen time is a lot of

build up to get to the opening conceit of the story. These pages need to be trimmed downconsiderably. It would almost be worth moving all of Franklin's investigation to after his

father is captured, when he is already on the run. It would take reworking, but the hurried

pace would help the opening act tremendously. Another option is to open with Franklinand Lincoln tied to the chairs as they are interrogated, bleeding and broken, and have theopening act all be a flashback. Either way, the build up needs to be slimmed down and

gotten through as quickly as possible in a movie like this.

Dialogue: A great deal of the dialogue is exposition heavy and unnatural, whichunfortunately comes across quite stilted and wooden. Too many scenes seem to end on a

character stating their situation to themselves, out loud, which is unnecessary and comes

across as forced, i.e. For a gift...or a grave? (pg 29). A lot of the dialog also just soundsflat out unnatural and clunky, with overly elaborate phrasing that seems more fitting for a

stage play.

Here are some lines that werent quite hitting:

Page 6 Franklin says Its supposed to help but Im not sure what that means or refers

to. I do want to add that the rest of this conversation is working well; its just that line

that was unclear.

Page 12 Theres a minor typo with Goggled. That aside, I do like this exchange

between Franklin and Lincoln. Whats coming through here is that Franklin thinks its

ridiculous how his dad prioritizes his job so highly, seemingly above even his ownfamily, when Lincoln doesnt seem to be making the difference that he thinks he is. This

adds to their relationship and feels authentic.

Page 13 Franklin makes a comment about Lincoln being no Jason Bourne but Im notentirely sure what he means by it. Also, it might just be a little too on the nose for him to

make a sort of off-hand remark about dad not being a spy.

Page 14 Where Conrad says Trust me, make things cool with your old man. Ivelearned that the next conversation could be your last, it took me a second to realize


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Conrad had been in combat, so of course hed have that attitude; at first I thought he was

talking about losing his own father, since you introduced that parallel relationship at thebeginning of the script. Now, I realize this is a nit-picky note and its entirely possible

that Im the only one who will have that momentary confusion. Id keep an eye on it and

see if anyone else has the same reaction. If so, I wonder if taking out the with your old

man part might be the easy fix for it, keeping the emphasis on the make things cool,any conversation could be the last sentiment. Just a suggestion that really has no bearing

on the rest of the story.

Characters: where the script needs additional attention is in its character work,specifically in the relationship between Franklin and father Lincoln. In the first 35 pages

or so, the story is largely focused on their relationship, and a few problems occur within

these pages:

1) The scenes dont seem to escalate or necessarily build on each other, so theres a

repetitiveness there, as if were hitting the same emotional note over and over. Each

subsequent scene doesnt seem to illuminate new facets of their relationship or offer newinformation.

2) The scenes are also confusing as to the nature of their relationship; it comes through

that their relationship is strained, but its not clear why or what specifically their dynamic

is all about. What exactly does each want from the other and why are they in conflict?The interactions between Franklin and Lincoln read like theyre supposed to be very

emotionally charged, but without some clarity the full effect is lost.

I was confused as to why Franklin would be so upset that his dad was away on business

so much. This concern about his dad being gone so often came off a bit whiney and made

him seem much younger than someone who was about to head off to grad school. Its oddtoo because Franklin is about to leave on a trip of his own, and presumably hes beenaway at college for four years; would it really be such a big deal to him that his dads

going on another business trip?

It was also confusing why it was so important to Lincoln for Franklin to get theplacement in the opening competition scene. What does this mean to him? How does it fit

in with his desires for his son, and with the way their relationship has evolved to its

present state?

On page 79 Lincoln says, Youd better hope he doesnt realize what I taught him. This

is the first indication that maybe he did pass some kind of training or knowledge on toFranklin deliberately, and its a cool revelation thats not fully explored. We see that

Lincoln puts sort of a global parental pressure on Franklin to do well, but we dont knowthat there are specific skills that hes made sure Franklin has and overall its just unclear

what Lincoln wants for him and why.

All of these clarify the relationship questions might seem lofty and esoteric, and likethey have no place in an action movie but thats not what Im saying at all. Theres so


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much great action, I think you can get very simple and streamlined with characters and

with the emotional revelations in scenes, and it will help your reader connect with thestory. Not to keep coming around to this, but if you look at TAKEN, the characters are

clear and quite simple. But it doesnt make the story any less compelling and in fact

thats what a lot of people responded to the very basic and clear idea of a father going

to great lengths to rescue his daughter. It was in the great lengths that the cool detailsand action occurred, but the characters and relationships were very basic and plainly set

forth. If you lay out the characters goals and desires more clearly, the straightforward

conflict of it all will be enough to keep readers engaged.

Franklin needs the most work. His character arc is somewhat muddled and confusing, and

resolves without a real catalyst. There are many points that seemed like something was

going to come out of it, give Franklin a reason for why he could be an agent, but instead

they seemed to be abandoned as soon as they were glimpsed. An example is his dirtytricks to win the course at the testing facility in the beginning, or the fact that he

responded on instinct when the guard slashed him and caused him pain early on. There

needs to be some explanation as to why he can one up everyone, even if it's something assimple and trite as Franklin, you never know when to give up. He isn't as well trainedas these people, nor as experienced, so he needs something else to give him the leg up. A

common tack to take is to make his fighting more improvised and clever than his

opponents, since they rely on their training and he has to rely on his environment and

smarts. Its already set up with his Harvard storyline, it just needs to be implemented.

Supporting characters: With regard to supporting characters, the Sarta relationship

subplot is mostly working and shes potentially a great, castable role smart, sexy, sassy.Id like to see her a little more real, and I think that comes from making sure your

audience understands exactly who she is. At first she comes off as this thrill-seeking

scofflaw type. She was more intrigued by Franklin when she discovered he might be aspy. She was clear-headed and unrattled enough to help him with tension release aftersome heavy dangerous action. But at other times she kind of came off like a prissy girly

girl -- she was quick to ditch him when he was sneaking into the warehouse area, for

example; that didnt seem in line with the character youd set up.

Main characters goal: Its not quite clear what Franklin hopes to achieve by going after

his father and, additionally, the incident with the discovered note doesnt feel compelling

enough to send Franklin to London. How much does Franklin know about what his dad

does? Does he think hes a desk-jockey type diplomat? Does he know his dad doessomething dangerous? Hes so angry in the beginning and we get the impression that he

must not know much, but then he seems to know exactly what a chaos kit is and isnt atall surprised that his dad would leave it for him. It may help to be more specific about

what Franklin thinks his dad does career-wise, and then things like finding the crypticnote can deliver more of a blow since its conveying that his dad has been lying. For

example, on page 24 Franklin says He is going tell me everything, but there wasnt a

clear setup that Franklin had some kind of long-burning need to know exactly what

Lincolns job was, so much so that hed fly to London to confront him.


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On page 56 Franklin says, Now I know what hes done all these years, but he doesnt.

Or at least, its not completely clear what he thought before and what hes now learned.We get the impression hes learned his dad was involved in some shady, covert stuff. But

has he really learned the true extent and details of his dads career? Is he surprised by it?

Where is that reaction?

Pacing: Cutting away to friends in Costa Rica and even to mom back home really pulls

away from the main action and slows down the story. Make sure youre not diffusing the

intensity of the story by cutting away to a scene of nothing. If its important to keep a

subplot going (and with mom, I realize it is because you need her to trigger the helpfulforces later) then give the subplot some meat, some action. Right now mom isnt actually

doing anything in the story until somewhere around the last third of the script; thats quite

a few breaks from the main action just to see her sitting there or leaving phone messages.

Plot details: I also found it hard to believe that with all the communication Franklin kept

up with his friends in Costa Rica, that they didnt try to call and warn him when his mom

contacted them and found out Franklin had never been there with them. A minor detail,but some readers may bump on the logic of it.

Again, the actual narrative of the story was easy to follow and solid overall. However,

around page 80 a new character is introduced and takes a lot of the focus but doesnt

introduce new conflict. Etting jumps on Franklins trail pretty easily, tracking him downwithout much standing in his way. It feels too convenient and slows the pace down in

those scenes where hes just busy catching up to the story. It would be great if the

introduction of this new character could also introduce a new, stronger aspect of the mainconflict and add to or escalate the momentum of the story.

SUMMARY:

Overall, the concept is strong and the action is well written and compelling. There are

some interesting thematic threads running through the script with the echoed parental

relationships, but theyre not quite exploited to their full potential at this point. Right now

some characters and relationships are a bit hazy, and without a clear understanding of thedynamics its tough to connect with the story on an emotional level. At times the story

feels a bit too convenient, but those are minor complaints in the grand scheme of a very

cool, exciting story. While there is a lot to work on before the script should be sent out,

it's worth noting that the core concept is solid enough to hold up to additional rewrites.The premise has a lot of potential, and its just up to the writer to make sure the execution

is as flawless as can be. Future rewrites should focus on making the characters and theirarcs as strong as possible, as well as cleaning up the dialogue and story clarity.

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