Positive Discipline vs. Punishment

• As a parent guiding behavior you are your child's teacher and so your job is to share information, modeling and feedback in order for your child to really learn the values and behaviors you want them to know.

• Read the comparison chart below and see how punishment and positive discipline differ from one another. Notice particularly the differences in the child outcomes for each of these parenting approaches.

Punishment vs. Positive Discipline

Punishment

Parent’s Goals:• • Stop behavior• • Obedience• • Peace and quiet• • Control• • “Knee jerk reaction”Typical Parenting Strategies:• • Coercion• • Time outs• • Threats• • Spanking• • YellingChild’s Reaction/Learning:• • More defiance• • Might makes right• • Rigid boundaries• • Fear and distant relationshipChild Outcomes:• • More dependent• • Revengeful or withdrawn• • Less skilled at solving problems

Positive Discipline

Parent’s Goals:• • Correcting behavior• • Cooperation• • Have the learning remembered• • Fostering self-discipline• • Thoughtful of long runTypical Parenting Strategies:• • Give reasons• • Modeling appropriate behavior• • Logical and natural consequences• • Problem-solving• • Teaching new behaviorChild’s Reaction/Learning:• • More cooperative in long run• • Reasons for behavior• • Flexible boundaries• • Respectful, close relationshipChild Outcomes:• • Independent• • Good team member• • Sees many solutions to problems• • Good decision maker

Children’s Goals for Behavior

• Children want to have contact, power, protection and independence....and all at the same time! Their behavior, good or bad, is motivated by one of these goals. If they can't get what they need in a positive way they will learn to get it in a negative way.

• Below is a brief chart adapted from Active Parenting by Michael Popkin,Ph D that shows the goals children have and the positive and negative behavior they may show to reach the goal. Do you recognize any of these behaviors?

Children’s Goals for Behavior

Basic Goal of Child

Positive Behavior

Negative Behavior

Contact Seeks recognition

Seeks undue attention

Power Shows independence

Rebellion

Protection Being assertive, forgiving

Seeks revenge

Independence Seeks centeredness on their own

Avoidance, gives up

Parenting Actions• By increasing positive behavior and decreasing negative behavior parents can help

their children learn to behave in acceptable ways. There are many parenting strategies to increase behavior or decrease behavior that are included in a positive discipline approach.

• Take a moment and think of one way you helped your child increase positive behavior today and one way you helped them decrease a negative behavior. How did you feel about using those strategies?

• A challenge for parents is to stop using discipline strategies that you really don't like to use, strategies that you feel bad about after you have used them. Maybe it is yelling too much, physically grabbing or spanking, or calling your child names or putting them down when they misbehave.

• Make a list of parenting strategies that you do not want to use. Post this list somewhere where you will see it daily and be committed to using other strategies for guiding your children each day. It takes practice to learn new parenting behavior and the first step is awareness of what you want to change.

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