Playing Nice in the SandboxProject Phoenix

Dan Wiseman

Wiseman Consulting and Training

connect@wisemanconsulting.com

Why can’t people play nice?

• People disagree about values and beliefs.• We are having a bad day (situational problems).• We are having a bad life-mental or physical

illness.• Anxiety and Stress in the situation• Personality differences are not acknowledged or

accepted.• People are being treated unfairly or unequally and

they feel powerless• We never learned how or never had any good

models

Why aren’t we nice continued

• Major change is occurring and we don’t know what to do

• Roles and responsibilities are unclear and a source of disagreement

• People feel incompetent or don’t have the skills to be successful

• People have wrong information or made faulty assumptions

• We have been rewarded for bad behavior or punished for good behavior.

• The organization has a culture of dealing with conflict in unproductive ways

Goals of Conflict Engagement

1.Interest based decision processes 2.Improve commitment to the outcome 3.Clearly identifying the specific issues,

concerns, and needs of each party4.Producing sustainable solutions5.Increasing acceptance and appreciation

differences6.Reducing aggression during conflict7.Reducing passive behavior or whining8.Reducing covert or manipulative behavior

Purposes of a good conflict engagement

Understand reality

Provoke learning

Tackle tough issues

Enrich relationships

We Can’t Change Without Conflict

• All Change Is Uncomfortable

• Three Ways to Change– Aggression, Anger, Violence– Apathy, avoidance, withdraw– Engagement (principled, effective conflict

management)

Think > listen > talk

Levels of Conflict

1. Issue based conflicts-people can articulate what their needs and interests are

2. Personality based conflicts-focus is on person, trust, and not the issue

3. Factional conflict-focus is on winning and defeating the “enemy or opposing side”

4. Winning at all costs-humiliating or harming the opposition is only concern

5. Intractable conflict-long term warfare.

5 strategies

1. Do it my way (very important to me, relationship not important)

2. Avoid the Issue (not very important to me)

3. I agree to do it your way (preserve the relationship)

4. Compromise (give a little, get a little)

5. Collaborate (everybody wins but its hard to do)

What’s Your Most Common Strategy?

“The shortest distance between

two people is a laugh.”

Victor Borge

Shift Perspective

Some Keys to Authentic Communication

•Express your needs in a way that can be heard and a dialogue can be maintained•Sense others feelings, needs, and interests in spite of how they are expressed•Manage your perceptions •If you are unclear, check them out with the other person•Do not worry about doing it right or perfect •Authenticity and good intentions often will prevail•Emotional confirmation is more important that the content at first •People can’t angry for long periods of time. •Be a non anxious presence as much as you can

Communicating During Conflict

Create the Space: Right time, place, emotional level.Be Open: Seek first to understand. Be specific: Use I statements.. (I feel, I am concerned about, this is what I saw)Separate inventing from deciding: Generate multiple options before voting Speak for yourself: Let others have their say. Respect the rights of those not present.Use a Parking Lot Process: Set aside issues not appropriate to the meeting Focus on Interests not Positions:. Use language like “help me understand the reasoning on that” “Or how does this issue impact you”? Clarify your intentions: “what is your purpose? Or “What would you like out of this process?” Generate proposals: Such as “What I suggest is”….? “We could do”..? “My preference is to” …Agree on what you can: “I can agree with you on that”...” Or “it seems as if we both agree on”….? Or I can agree that we are stuck.Realize that some issues are wicked and can not be solved?

How to make things worse in conflict situations

• Advising: Why don’t you just

Don’t be upsetJudging:

Don’t’ be so uptightYou are so wrong on this issue

• AnalyzingI think what’s really bothering you is

Your personality type makes that difficult for you• Questioning:

Why are you doing thatWhy didn’t you fix it before now

• Supporting:Don’t worry about this

This is no problem

Sometimes Pigs Can Fly

Being Unconditionally ConstructiveAdapted from Getting Together by Roger Fisher by Dan Wiseman

• I will be rational even if others are acting emotionally. (Try to balance emotion with reason but remember until people are heard reason is of little use)

• I will seek first to understand even if I am misunderstood (Try to find out what’s their concern)

• I will consult with others before deciding on things that impact them even if they are not listening (Take the high road, model democratic processes)

• I will be consistent with my principles and behavior even if others try to be deceptive or are untrustworthy (Practice what you preach but don’t be naive)

• I will be firm but not violent or coercive in the way I influence others and will not yield to coercion. (Keep trying to persuade while paying attention to what’s important to others)

• I will not reject others as unworthy even if they reject me and my ideas as worthy of consideration. (Maintain the relationship if possible and keep the lines of communication open)

Conflict Resources

Never Call Them Jerks-Healthy Responses to Difficult Behavior by Arthur Paul Boers (Alban Institute)

Conflicts, A Better Way to Resolve Them by Edward de BonoGetting Together and Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher, Scott Brown, And William

Ury)Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh with foreword by Dalai LamaThe Third Way by William UryManaging Transitions by William BridgesTurning to One Another by Margaret WheatlyIs There No Other Way by Michael NagelGifts Differing Understanding Personality Type by Isabel Briggs MyersThe Anxious Organization-Why Smart Companies Do Dumb Things by Jeffery A.

Miller (Facts on Demand Press)Dealing with People You Can’t Strand (How to bring out the best in people at their

worst) by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner). McGraw-Hill.Non Violent Communication a Language of Life by Dr. Marshall RosenbergFierce Conversations-Achieving Success at Work &In Life-One Conversation at a

Time by Susan Scott

More Resources• Emotional Leadership (Why it can matter more than IQ) by Daniel Goleman. 1995• Working with Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. 2000.• Test Your EQ (Find out how emotionally intelligent you really are) by Mark Davis, Ph.D. 2004• Websites: http://eqi.org (practical advice for increasing social skills and self control) and

http://eiconsortium.org. (research components and finding on EQ). www.selfgrowth.com (advice on EQ, communications skills, and goal setting.)

• Coping with difficult bosses by Nicholos R. Bramson. 1993 (Why bosses bully, stall and complain.)

• Difficult conversations: how to discuss what matters most by D.Stone, B. Patton, and R. Fisher. 2000.

• Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.2002.• Choosing Civility by P.M. Forni (25 rules of Considerate Conduct). 2002• Toxic People:10 ways of dealing with people who make your life miserable by L. Glass. 1995• Emotional Intelligence, Imagination, and Personality by P.Salovey, J.D. Mayer. 1990.• Now, Discover your Strengths ( A revolutionary program based on the Gallup study of 2 million

people) by Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton. 2001.