planning for parenting time guide for parents living...

PLANNINGFORPARENTINGTIME

GuideforParentsLivingApart

GallatinCounty,Montana

August,2011

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IMPORTANT WARNING ON THIS GUIDE’S LIMITATIONS

WARNINGTOREADERS:Thisguidedoesnotgivelegalopinionsorlegaladvice.Thisguideisnotasubstitutefortheadviceoflicensedattorney.Theguidelinespresentgoodinformationonhowtocreateaparentingplanthatcentersonthebestneedsofyourchild.Theauthorsarenotgivinglegal,accounting,orotherprofessionalservicesinthisguide.

Theauthorsdonotguaranteethattheinformationinthisguideiscompleteoraccurate.Theydonotassumeandspecificallydisclaimanyliabilitytoanypersonforanylossordamagecausedbyerrors,inaccuracies,oromissionsthatmayappearinthisguide.Lawsandinterpretationsoflawschangefrequently,andthematerialcontainedinthisguidecarrieswithitimportantlegalconsequences.Usersofthismaterialaresolelyresponsiblefordeterminingtheapplicabilityofanyinformationcontainedinthisguidetotheirsituationandarestronglyencouragedtoseekprofessionallegalandotherexpertassistanceinresolvingtheirparentingissues.Thisguideisbased,primarily,onthePlanningforParentingTime:Arizona’sGuideforParentsLivingApart.TheSectiononSafetyPlansisbasedontheOregonJudicialDepartment’sSafetyFocusedParentingPlanGuide.Theyholdthecopyrightontheirmaterial,whichareusedwithpermission.Itisalsobasedupondiscussionwithfamilylawattorneys,localmediators,andchildpsychologists.Thegoalwastouseamore“child‐centric”guideandapplytotheuniqueproblemsMontanansface.Thisguideisnotforamendingormodifyinganexistingjudge‐approvedplanordefactoparentingplans.Thesesuggestedplansmaybedifferentthanthejudge‐approvedplanyouhaveinplace.Theseguidelines,bythemselves,donotcreatechangedcircumstanceforamodificationofanexistingparentingplan.Thatdoesnotmeanthatyoushouldnotdiscussamore“child‐centric”planwithyourclient,attorney,orotherparent.Butyouwillneedtomeetthesamerequirementstomodifyanexistingplan.(See“AmendinganExistingPlan”onpage68.)

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CONTENTS

IMPORTANT WARNING ON THIS GUIDE’S LIMITATIONS ................................................................................ I

USING THIS GUIDE .................................................................................................................................................... 1

TO PARENTS ............................................................................................................................................................... 3

WHY PARENTING PLANS ARE NECESSARY ................................................................................................... 3

HOW TO USE THIS GUIDE .................................................................................................................................... 4

DETERMINING THE BEST TYPE OF PARENTING PLAN: FLOW CHART ........................................................ 5

WHICH PLAN SHOULD WE CHOOSE? ................................................................................................................... 7

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER WHEN CHOOSING A PLAN ........................................................ 7

CHILDREN BENEFIT WHEN PARENTS: ............................................................................................................. 8

CHILDREN ARE HARMED WHEN PARENTS: .................................................................................................... 8

CHILD DEVELOPMENT............................................................................................................................................. 9

BIRTH TO 2 YEARS ................................................................................................................................................ 9

2 TO 3 YEARS ........................................................................................................................................................ 11

3 TO 5 YEARS ........................................................................................................................................................ 11

6 TO 9 YEARS ........................................................................................................................................................ 12

10 TO 12 YEARS .................................................................................................................................................... 13

TEENAGERS (13 TO 18 YEARS) ......................................................................................................................... 13

SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR PARENTS AND MEDIATORS .................................................................................... 16

FOR PARENTS ....................................................................................................................................................... 16

FOR MEDIATORS ................................................................................................................................................. 16

SPECIAL MESSAGE ABOUT ATTORNEYS AND JUDGES ................................................................................. 18

ABOUT ATTORNEYS ........................................................................................................................................... 18

ABOUT JUDGES .................................................................................................................................................... 18

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULES ............................................................................................................................ 19

SUMMARY OF PARENTING TIME SCHEDULES ............................................................................................ 21

PARENTING TIME EXAMPLES .............................................................................................................................. 23

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLANS 1, 2, AND 3 ...................................................................................... 24

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLANS 4 AND 5 ............................................................................................ 25

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLANS 6 AND 7 ........................................................................................... 26

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLANS 8 AND 9 ........................................................................................... 27

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLAN 10 (ALTERNATING WEEKENDS) ................................................. 29

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLAN 11 (SPLIT WEEK) ............................................................................. 30

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLAN 12 ........................................................................................................ 31

Contents

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PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLAN 13 (ALTERNATING WEEKS) ......................................................... 32

CHILD DEVELOPMENT AND SUGGESTED PARENTING PLANS .................................................................... 33

DESIGNING A PLAN FOR BIRTH TO 2 YEARS ............................................................................................... 33

DESIGNING A PLAN FOR 2 TO 3 YEARS ......................................................................................................... 34



DESIGNING A PLAN FOR 10 TO 12 YEARS ..................................................................................................... 43

DESIGNING A PLAN FOR TEENS ...................................................................................................................... 47

HOLIDAYS, VACATIONS, AND SCHOOL BREAKS ............................................................................................ 51

HOLIDAYS ............................................................................................................................................................. 51

VACATIONS .......................................................................................................................................................... 52

SCHOOL BREAKS ................................................................................................................................................ 53

LONG–DISTANCE PARENTING AND RELOCATION ......................................................................................... 55

GENERAL RECOMMENDATIONS ..................................................................................................................... 56

AGE-SPECIFIC RECOMENDATIONS ................................................................................................................. 57

BIRTH TO PRE-SCHOOL ................................................................................................................................. 57

KINDERGARTEN TO 12 YEARS ..................................................................................................................... 58

13 TO 15 YEARS ................................................................................................................................................ 58

16 TO 18 YEARS ................................................................................................................................................ 58

GENERAL TIPS ..................................................................................................................................................... 59

AIR TRAVEL ...................................................................................................................................................... 59

DELAYS AT EXCHANGE POINTS ................................................................................................................. 60

DROP-IN VISITS ................................................................................................................................................ 60

FREQUENT MOVES ......................................................................................................................................... 60

INTERNATIONAL PARENTING TIME AND BORDER TRAVEL ............................................................... 60

MILESTONES AND CHILD DEVELOPMENT ............................................................................................... 61

TIME LOSS FOR TRAVEL ............................................................................................................................... 61

“VIRTUAL PARENTING” ................................................................................................................................. 61

WILD CARDS .................................................................................................................................................... 61

SPECIAL ISSUES ....................................................................................................................................................... 62

ABSENT PARENT REUNIFICATION ................................................................................................................. 62

BLENDED (STEP) FAMILIES .............................................................................................................................. 62

BREAST-FEEDING ............................................................................................................................................... 63

CHILDREN WHO DON’T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH A PARENT .......................................................... 64

CONTACT WITH AN INCARCERATED PARENT ............................................................................................ 64

Contents

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HIGH CONFLICT ................................................................................................................................................... 65

MILITARY .............................................................................................................................................................. 65

NEVER MARRIED ................................................................................................................................................ 66

SCHEDULES FOR FAMILIES WITH CHILDREN OF DIFFERENT AGES ...................................................... 67

SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN .............................................................................................................................. 67

THIRD-PARTY INVOLVEMENT ......................................................................................................................... 67

WHEN A PARENT CANNOT USE THEIR PARENTING TIME ........................................................................ 68

SAFETY FOCUSED PARENTING PLANS .............................................................................................................. 69

DO YOU NEED A SAFETY FOCUSED PARENTING PLAN? ........................................................................... 69

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ........................................................................................................................................ 69

ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE OR ABUSE .............................................................................................................. 70

PROTECTIVE ORDERS ........................................................................................................................................ 70

SAFETY FOCUSED PARENTING PLAN OPTIONS .......................................................................................... 70

AMENDING AN EXISTING FINAL PARENTING PLAN ...................................................................................... 71

WHEN THE EXISTING FINAL PARENTING PLAN ISN’T WORKING ANY MORE .................................... 71

PROFESSIONAL SERVICES FOR PARENTS AND CHILDREN .......................................................................... 72

ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION (ADR): SOLVE IT WITHOUT A JUDGE ..................................... 72

ASSESSMENT: PROVIDING INFORMATION TO THE JUDGE ..................................................................... 72

THERAPEUTIC: GETTING HELP ....................................................................................................................... 73

OTHER .................................................................................................................................................................... 74

WORDS YOU MAY NEED TO KNOW .................................................................................................................... 75

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USING THIS GUIDE

Thisguideforaparentingplanisintendedtoprovidehelpfulideasinmakingdecisionsaboutparentingtime.Aparentingplanisadocumentthatstateswherethechildwilllive,whenthechildrenwillbewitheachparent,howmuchcontactthechildwillhavewiththeotherparent,andhowmajordecisionswillbemade.Theplanisintendedtoprotectthechild’sbestinterest,tosetoutparentalauthorityandresponsibility,andtohelppreventfuturecourtaction.

Comingtocourtcanoftenfeelfrighteningandconfusingforparentsandchildren.Itisourhopethatwecanlessenyourconcernsbygivingyoubasicinformationonhowtodevelopaparentingplan.Itisimportantthatyoutaketheopportunitytoeducateyourselfaboutwhatisexpectedofyou.

Continuingconflictbetweenparentsbefore,during,andafterdissolutionwillincreasethestressandsufferingofyourchildren.Youshouldworkoutaparentingplanthatgivesthemaximummeaningfulcontactandtheminimumconflict.

Thisguideprovidessampleplansforparentstouseinreachingagreementsorpresentingproposalstothecourt.Attorneys,mentalhealthprofessionals,mediators,andjudgesmayalsofindtheparentingtimeplansusefulinresolvingfamilycourtdisputes.

Whenyoumakeaparentingplan,remember:

Youneedtoaddressallissuesthataffectparenting.

Youbothneedtodefineyourroleinyourchildren’slifeafterseparationordissolution.

Parentingplansshouldbestructuredenoughtobeunderstandableandflexibleenoughtoberealistic.

Agoodparentingplanhelpschildren.Childrenneedconsistency,stability,androutine.

Thebestagreementisreasonableparentalcontactuponreasonablenotice.Thenextbestarrangementisadetailed

Thisguideisatoolforyoutousetodesignaparentingplanthatwillwork

bestforyouandyourchildren.

Using This Guide

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agreementthatfitstheneedsofyourchildrenandforeachoftheparents.

Parentsareencouragedtoreadthismaterialandtogetadditionalinformationandadviceinordertomakethebestdecisionsfortheirchildren.Thisguidewillhelpparentsreduceconflictandreachagreementsmoreeasily.

Remember—ThisGuide:

ISatoolforparents;

ISNOT“thelaw”;

DOESNOTprohibitorlimitparentsorjudgesfromcreatingparentingplansthatdifferfromthesampleplanspresentedhere;

DOESNOTmandateaminimumormaximumamountofparentingtimeforeitherparent;

DOESNOTmeanthatajudgewillacceptaproposedplanthatisbasedonthisguide;and

MAYNOTbehelpfulinallcircumstances.

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TO PARENTS

Raisingchildrenpresentschallenges.Whenparentsliveinseparatehomes,thechallengesaregreaterbecauserelationshipsaremorecomplicated.Sometimesparentsdisagreeabouthowmuchtimechildrenshouldspendwitheachparent.

ThisguideisbasedonPlanningforParentingTime:Arizona’sGuideforParentsLivingApart.IthasbeenadaptedforMontanalaw.TheSectiononSafetyPlanningisbasedonOregon’sSafetyFocusedParentingGuide.Thisguideoffersinformationaboutwhatachildlearns,feels,andneedsatdifferentages.Italsoprovidessuggestedplansforeachagegroup.

InMontana,divorceisnotalegalterm.Theterm“divorce”isnotusedandhasnolegalmeaning.Instead,thetermdissolutionofmarriageisused.

Unlessspecialcircumstancesexist,preservingahealthyandongoingrelationshipbetweenchildrenandbothparentsafteradissolutionorseparationisofgreatestimportance.Positiveinvolvementwithbothparentsfurthersthechild'semotionalandsocialdevelopment,academicachievement,andoveralladjustment.Adultchildrenofdissolutiondescribethelossofcontactwithaparentandconflictbetweentheirparentsasthemostpainfulpartofthedissolutionorparentalseparation.

WHY PARENTING PLANS ARE NECESSARY

Writtenparentingplansprovidechildrenandparentswithpredictabilityandconsistencyandcanpreventfutureconflict.Thisguideencouragesopendiscussionandcooperationbetweenparents.Courtspreferthatparentsreachagreementsaboutparentingtime.Whenparentsreachagreements,theyaremorelikelytocooperateastheirchildrengrowup.Childrendobestwhentheirparentscooperatewitheachother.Thereverseisalsotrue.Childrenwhoexperienceongoingconflictbetweenparentsareathighriskforsufferingseriouslong‐termemotionalproblems.Ifparentsneedhelptoworkouttheschedules,court‐sponsoredandprivatemediationservicesareavailable.TheCommunityMediationCenterofBozemanMontanaprovideslow‐costmediationservicesforlow‐incomeMontanans.

To Parents

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Montanadoesnotusethewords“custody”or“visitation.”Insteaditusestheword“parenting”topromotetheideathatbothparentsshouldbeinvolvedinthechildren’slives.

Thekeytosuccessfulco‐parentingisawrittenparentingplanthatstatestheagreementsparentsreachaboutwherethechildwilllive,thesharingofrightsandprivileges,andthescheduleforparentingtime.

HOW TO USE THIS GUIDE

Readtheplansforyourchild’sage.

Talkwiththeotherparentaboutparentingtimethatmeets yourfamily’sneeds.

Usetheblankcalendaronpage18ofthisguidetomarkthe days and timeseach parent will have parenting time. This guide includes sample calendarswith sample language to include in court orders. These are examples only.You can choose any days or times you wish.

ParentingplanformsareavailableattheBozemanSelf‐HelpCenter,andontheInternet at http://www.cmcmontana.org ->Programs->Family Mediation Forms.Fillouttheformandfileitwiththecourt.

Ifyouneedhelp,contacttheBozemanSelf‐HelpCenter at406-582-2158.

To Parents

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DETERMINING THE BEST TYPE OF PARENTING PLAN: FLOW CHART

Page 1

QUICK VIEW FLOW CHART: WHAT TYPE OF PARENTING PLAN IS RIGHT?Follow the Flow Chart to determine the most appropriate Parenting Plan and special provisions

Has the other parent:

1. acted as though violent behavior against youor your child(ren) is alright?

2. damaged or destroyed property during anargument?

3. hurt a pet out of anger?

4. been so sad or upset they could not care forthemselves or others?

5. pushed, slapped, kicked, punched or hit youor the child(ren)?

6. regularly abused and currently abusesalcohol or drugs?

7. used weapons to threaten or hurt people?

8. seriously threatened never to return thechild(ren)?

9. threatened to kill you or the child(ren)?

10. sexually abused anyone by force, threat

of force or intimidation?

11. been served with a protection or no contactorder from a Court?

12. been arrested for harming or threatening toharm you or anyone else?

13. engaged in other abusive or threateningbehavior?

YES NO

Adapted from Bench Book Supplement by FL Association of Family and Conciliation Courts

Include Long Distance Parenting Plan Provisions in Your Parenting Plan

Check Here if YesRefer to Page 55of the Parenting

Guide

If any answers

YES

Include Safety Focused Provisions in Your Parenting Plan

If all answers

NO

Proceed to Page 2Check Here if YesRefer to Page 69of the Parenting

Guide

Do you and the other parent reside more than a regular commute apart?

Start with the box below then follow the appropriate arrows

To Parents

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Page 1

QUICK VIEW FLOW CHART: WHAT TYPE OF PARENTING PLAN IS RIGHT?PAGE 2

1. I only communicate with my child(ren)’s otherparent by: using email; certified U.S. mail; a third party (lawyer, relative, faith based professional etc.); our child(ren). (Please don’t answer yes if this is caused solely by living far apart).

2. I do not believe my child(ren)’s other parent is agood parent.

3. I do not trust my child(ren)’s other parent toconsistently use good judgment and make good decisions regarding our child.

4. I keep written and/or recorded records of allcontact between myself and my child(ren)’s other parent.

5. I feel it is okay to make all major decisions aboutmy child(ren) without consulting the other parent, because I have our child(ren)’s best interest at heart.

6. My child(ren)’s other parent and I can onlyexchange our child(ren): in a public setting; with an adult third party present; with the police present; and or, by maintaining a safe physical distance.

7. Because of my child(ren)’s other parent’s actions, Ihave serious concerns regarding our child(ren)’s emotional and psychological functioning; peer or social relations; mother/child(ren) relationship; father/child(ren) relationship; school performance; behavior; and/or physical health.

Adapted from Bench Book Supplement by FL Association of Family and Conciliation Courts

If any answers

YES

Design/Use a Basic Parenting Plan

If all answers

NO

Check Here if YesRefer to Page 65of the Parenting

Guide

Continue from page 1 & remember all checked boxes

Include more detail and a high degree of structure in the Plan

If you checked one or more of the three boxes

Modify the Basic Parenting Plan to include the necessary provisions for LONG

DISTANCE, SAFETY

FOCUSED, and/or HIGHLY

STRUCTURED Details

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WHICH PLAN SHOULD WE CHOOSE?

Thefollowingparentingtimeoptionsaredesignedtoallowparentsorthejudge,ifnecessary,tochoosetheproperplanafterconsideringthefamily’suniquecircumstances.Childrendifferinhowlongtheyarecomfortablebeingawayfromeachparent.Somechildrenlikespendingmoretimeatonehome,whileothersmovebetweenhomeseasily.Parentsmayneedtoacceptdisruptionoftheirownscheduleandspendmoreorlesstimewiththeirchildrenthantheyprefersotheycangivethechildrenasenseofsecurityandwell‐being.

Whenchoosingaplan,parentsshouldthinkaboutthechild’srelationshipwitheachparent.Itmaybenefitthechildtochangefromoneplantoanotherasthechildgetsolder.Ifaparenthasneverbeenapartofachild'slifeorhasn’thadcontactwiththechildforanextendedperiod,parentingtimeshouldstartslowlyandgraduallyincreaseasthechildadjustsandfeelscomfortable.

Ifparentsdon’tagreeonparentingtime,thejudgewilllistentotheevidence,evaluatethecase,andorderaplanthejudgefindsisinthechildren’sbestinterests.Afterahearing,thejudgemaylimitcontactwithaparentifthereisafindingthatitwouldharmthechildtohavecontactwithaparent.

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER WHEN CHOOSING A PLAN

Howoldisthechild? Howmatureisthechild? Whatisthechild’spersonality? Howstrongisthechild’sattachmenttoeachparent? Doesthechildordotheparentshaveanyspecialneeds,for

example,achildontheautismspectrum? Whatarethechild’srelationshipswithsiblingsandfriends? Aretheparents’homestoofaraparttomaintainregularand

frequentcontact?(Seepage52on“Long‐DistanceParentingandRelocation.”)

Howflexiblearetheparents’andchild’sschedules? Whatchildcarearrangementsareneeded? Howandwherewillexchangestakeplace? Howwilltransportationbeprovided? Howwellcantheparentscommunicateandcooperate?

Which Plan Should We Choose?

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Whatarethechild'sandtheparents'culturalandreligiouspractices?

Arethereanyparentalfitnessconcerns,suchasdomesticviolence,substanceabuse,ormentalhealthproblems?Ifthereare,youmayneedaspecialsafetyfocusedparentingplan.

Whatiseachparent’sabilityandavailabilitytocareforthechild’sneeds?

Willtheparentbeabletoexercisetheparentingtimeconsistently?

CHILDREN BENEFIT WHEN PARENTS: Helpthechildhaveregularcontactwith

theotherparentbyphone,letter,audioandvideotapes,e‐mail,andotherformsofcommunication

Keeppredictableschedules Areontimeandhavethechildready

whenit’stimeforthechildtogowiththeotherparent

Exchangethechildwithoutarguing Supportthechild’srelationshipwiththe

otherparent Letthechildcarry“important”itemssuch

asfavoriteclothes,toys,andsecurityblanketswiththembetweentheparents'homes

Followsimilarroutinesformealtime,bedtime,andhomeworktime

Handlerulesanddisciplineinsimilarways

Supportcontactwithgrandparents,step‐parents,andotherextendedfamilysothechilddoesn’tlosetheserelationships

Areflexiblesothechildcantakepartinspecialfamilycelebrationsandevents

Giveasmuchadvancenoticeaspossibletotheotherparentaboutspecialoccasionsornecessarychangestotheschedule

Providetheotherparentwithtraveldates,destinations,andplaceswherethechildandtheparentcanbereachedwhenonvacation

Establishworkableandrespectfulcommunicationwiththeotherparent

Plantheirvacationsaroundthechild’sregularlyscheduledactivities.

CHILDREN ARE HARMED WHEN PARENTS: Maketheirchildchoosebetweenthem Questiontheirchildabouttheother

parent'sactivitiesorrelationships Makepromisestheydon’tkeep Dropinandoutofthechild’slife Areinconsistentinusingtheirparenting

time Arguewithorputdowntheotherparent

infrontofthechildorwherethechildcanoverhear

Discusstheirpersonalproblemswiththechildorwherethechildcanoverhear

Usethechildasamessenger,spy,ormediator

Stoporinterferewithparentingtimebecausechildsupporthasn’tbeenpaid

Don’tshowrespectforeachother Underminethechild’srelationshipwith

theotherparent.

Child Development

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CHILD DEVELOPMENT

Theseplanstakeintoconsiderationdifferentkindsofsituationsbetweenparentsandchildren.Thebondbetweenaparentandchildwillcontinuetogrowaslongastheparentremainsactivelyinvolvedwiththechild.However,someparentsmaynothavehadtheopportunitytobeginformingthatbond.Forexample,whenaplanincludesovernights,itisexpectedthattheparentwithparentingtimehascare‐givingexperienceandthatthechildissufficientlybondedtoandusedtobeinginthecareofthatparent.

Ifachildisnotbondedtoandnotusedtobeinginthecareofoneoftheparents,itisimportanttostartslowly.Youmayneedtochooseaplanthatissimplerorhasfrequentshortercontact,toenablethechildtobondwiththeparent.

BIRTH TO 2 YEARS

Babieslearnquickly.Theyarelearningtoloveandtrustfamiliarcaregivers.Babiesbecomeattachedtoparentsandothersthroughconsistent,lovingresponsessuchasholding,playing,feeding,soothing,talkinggentlyandlovingly,stimulating,creatingbedtimeandbathtimeroutines,andpromptattentiontotheirneeds.Babiesbegintorespondtoarangeofdifferent(butequallyvaluable)typesofparentingstylesthateachparentprovides.

Mostparentshavedifferentwaysofparenting.It’shelpfulifparentsshareinformationabouthowthey’reparentingthechildwhilethechildisintheircare.Inaddition,parentsneedtobesensitivetotheirbaby’semotionalreactions,abilitytoadjusttochangeswhengoingfromoneparenttotheother,andmood.Ithelpswhenparentstalkaboutthesethingswhenmakingorchangingschedules.

It’simportantthattheyhavefrequentcontactwitheachoftheirparentsandhaveastablescheduleandroutine.Ontheotherhand,babiesdohave“emotionalmemories”ofconflictthatcanhavelong‐termnegativeeffects,soparentsshouldn’targuewhenchildren,evenbabies,canhearthearguing.Manybabiesaresensitivetothetensionbetweentheparentsatexchange,time,soifyoucan’tbepleasanttoeachother,youmayneedsomeoneelsetohelpwiththeexchangetimes.

Child Development

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Makeexchangeseasierforyourchildby

followingpredictableschedules,avoidingconflictwiththeotherparentinfrontofyourchild,andsupportingyourchild’srelationshipwiththeotherparent.

Ataroundsixmonths,babiescanrecognizetheirparentsandothercaregiversandmaybecomeuneasyaroundstrangers.Regularcaregiversunderstandhowthechildsignalstheneedforfood,comfort,andsleep.Whenawayfromparentsorsignificantcaregivers,babiesmaybecomeanxiousandhaveeatingandsleepingproblems.However,beingawayfromoneparentorcaregiverandinthecareoftheotherparenttowhomthechildisbondedshouldn’tbeaproblemformostbabies.

Babieshavebasicsleep,feeding,andwakingschedules.It’simportanttokeepthebabyontheseschedules.Parentsshouldworkouttheirownplanssotheydon’tinterferewiththebaby’snormalroutine.Also,increatingparentingplansforthisagegroup,parentsoughttothinkaboutthespecialneedsofbreast‐feedingbabies.Nursingmothersmaywanttoexpressmilkandsendbottleswiththe

babysothefathercanfeedthebabyduringhisparentingtime.(Formoreinformation,seeBreast‐Feedingonpage60.)

One‐totwo‐year‐oldsarebecomingmoreawareoftheworldaroundthemandthepeoplewhohavealotofcontactwiththem.Ababyatthisagecanbeattachedtomanycaregivers,includinggrandparents,extendedfamilymembers,anddaycareproviders.Babiesarealsobecomingindependentanddevelopingtheabilitytocomfortthemselvesbythumbsuckingorholdingontofavoriteblanketsortoys.Theirsleepingandeatingschedulesarebecomingregular.Theycontinuetorespondtothedifferenttypesofnurturingprovidedbytheirparents.

Two‐year‐oldscommonlytestparentallimits(“terribletwos”),andconsistentandlovingparentalresponsescan

buildthechild’sself‐esteemforyearstocome.

Movingbetweentheparents’homesmaybedifficultforsomeyoungsters,andtheymaybecomeupsetatthesetimes.Forsomechildren,resistancetoexchangetimeisnormal.Thisbehaviordoesn’tnecessarilymeanthattheotherparentisn’tagoodparentorthatthechilddoesn’twanttobewiththeotherparent.Whileparentsneedtobesensitivetowhateverthechildisexperiencing,mostchildrencalmdownshortlyaftertheexchange.Youcanmakeexchangeseasierforyourchildbyfollowingpredictableschedules,avoidingconflictwiththeotherparentinfrontofyourchild,andsupportingyourchild’srelationshipwiththeotherparent.

Child Development

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2 TO 3 YEARS

Agestwotothreeareanimportanttimeforchildrentodevelopindependentskills.Althoughchildrenthisagearelearningtobeindependent,theymaystillclingtotheircaregiverandresistseparation,evenfromoneparenttotheother.Theymaysay“NO!”toparents’requestsanddemandsjusttoexpresstheirindependence.Theymayalsobefearfulaboutunfamiliaractivitiesandobjects.

Predictable,regularlyscheduledroutineshelpchildrenmanagetheirfearsandhelpthemlearnthattheworldisasafeplace.Movingbetweenparents'homesmaybecomedifficultforsomechildrenatthisage,andtheymaybecomeupset.Thisbehaviordoesn’tnecessarilymeanthattheotherparentisn’tagoodparentorthatthechilddoesn’twanttobewiththeotherparent.Parentsmustcontinuetoensurethatthetransitionsbetweenthetwoparents’homesarefreeofparentalarguingandtension.

3 TO 5 YEARS

Three‐tofive‐year‐oldsareattachedtotheirregularcaregivers,andseparationmaymakethemuncomfortableandanxious.Theymayalsobefearfulaboutunfamiliaractivitiesandobjectsandmayexperiencenightfearslike“monsters”underthebed.

Three‐tofive‐year‐oldsmayshowincreasedemotionaldiscomfortwhenmovingbetweenparents'homes.Someofthesechildrenmaybecomeveryupsetatthesetimes.Thisbehaviordoesn’tnecessarilymeanthattheotherparentisn’tagoodparentorthatthechilddoesn’twanttobewiththeotherparent.Parentscanmakeexchangeseasierforchildrenbyfollowingpredictableschedulesandmakingsurethechildisn’texposedtoconflictbetweentheparents.

Childrenaremorelikelytoresistgoingtotheotherparentiftheparentsaretenseorhostileorarguewitheachotherattheexchange.Iftensionispresent,thechildmightbecomedifficulttomanageormightactoutnegativefeelings.Ifparentscan’tbenicetoeachother,oratleastcivil,theyshouldavoidtalkingtoeachotherattheseexchanges.Parentsmustnotusethechildasamessengertocommunicatewiththeotherparent.Childrenmayalsofeelmore

Child Development

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secureiftheycantakefavoritestuffedtoys,familyphotos,orotherobjectsthatwillremindthemoftheotherparent.

Afteragethree,childrenbecomemoreawareofholidaycelebrations.Parentsshouldscheduleholidays,whichmaybereligious,cultural,ornational,thataremeaningfultothechildandthefamily.Parentsshouldalsoincludebirthdays,Mother’sDay,andFather’sDayintheparentingplan.

Three‐tofive‐year‐oldsmaybenefitfromstructuredtimewithchildrentheirownage,awayfromparents.Thistimehelpsthemdevelopsocialskillsandlearnthattheycanbesafeandhappyawayfrombothparents.

6 TO 9 YEARS

Six‐tonine‐year‐oldchildrenmayworrythatoneparentdoesn’tlovethemorthattheywillloseoneparent.Theymaymisstheabsentparentandfeelsad,confused,andangryabouttheirparents’dissolution.Theyalsomaytrytogettheirparentstobacktogether.

Somesix‐tonine‐year‐oldchildrenbenefitfromspendingmoretimeatonehome,whileothersmovebackandforthonaregularbasiswithease.Childrendifferinhowlongtheyarecomfortablebeingawayfromeachparent.Somemaybecomfortablebeingawayfromtheircustodialorprimaryresidentialparentonaregularbasisfortwoormoredays.Ifthechildhasspentconsiderablequalitytimewiththeparentwhohasparentingtime,thechildmaycopebetterwithalongseparationfromtheotherparent.Asachildmatures,longerperiodsofparentingtimewithfewerexchangesbetweenparentsmaybepreferred.

Inmakingaparentingtimeschedule,parentsshouldkeeptheirworkschedulesinmindandtrytousetheirtimeofffromworktospendasmuchtimeaspossiblewiththechild.Ifaparent’sworkschedulechangesfromweektoweek,theparentingplanmayletthatparentspendtimewiththechildontheparent’sdaysofffromworkaftergivingplentyofadvancenoticetotheotherparent.

Child Development

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10 TO 12 YEARS

Ten‐to12‐year‐oldchildrenoftenwanttobeindependentfromtheirparentsandarebecomingmoreattachedtotheirfriends.Theymayblameoneparentforthedissolution,maybeangryandembarrassedbythebreakupofthefamily,andmaysidewithoneparent.

Childrenofthisageoftenwanttohaveasayinwheretheylive.Parentsshouldletthemexpresstheirviews,whilemakingitclearitisuptotheparentstomakethefinaldecisions.Aschildrenbeginjuniorhighschool,parentsshouldmakesuretheparentingplanconsidersthechild’sschoolandextracurricularactivities.Theparentsalsoshouldconsiderthechild’sdesireforanoccasionalovernightwithfriendsawayfrombothhomes.Parentsshouldbeflexiblewhileatthesametimemakingsurethateachparenthasparentingtimeregularly.

TEENAGERS (13 TO 18 YEARS)

Theteenagerisdevelopinggreaterindependenceandbeginningtoseparatefromthefamily,includingbothparents.Teensstarttofeellikeyoungadultswhothinktheynolongerneedtheirparents,buttheyalsohavetimeswhentheystillwanttheirparentstotakecareofthem.Theybegintoplanfordrivinganddating,andtheyarethinkingaboutcollegeorwork.

Theyarefeelingthepressuresofschool,family,andfriends,andtheymaynotlikeastrictparentingtimeschedule.Theymayshowtheirdissatisfactionbybecomingirritableormoodyorhavinganattitudetheyneverhadbefore.Manylacktheskillstoexpressthemanystrongbutconflictingemotionsthatgoalongwithgrowingup.Whenparentsareestablishingaparentingtimescheduleorthinkingaboutmakingchangesinanexistingschedule,theyshouldgivemorethoughttotheneedsandwishesoftheirteenager.Parentsshouldletthemexpresstheirviews,whilemakingitclearitisuptotheparentstomakethefinaldecisions.

Child Development

14

Duringaseparationordissolution,parentsoftenfeeltheneedtopulltheirteenclosertothemtoreassurethemselvestheyaren’tlosingtheirchildtotheotherparent.Sometimesparentsaretemptedtogettheirchildontheirside.Ateenmayavoidbothparentsorrejectoneparentandclingtotheother,especiallyiftheparentsareputtingtheminthemiddleoftheirconflict.Someteenswantlittleornothingtodowitheitherparentandturntofriendsorotherstotalktowhoaren’tpartoftheconflict.Teensareoftenconfusedandangryatthewaytheirparentsareactingandmayfeeltheirparentshaven’tbeen

concernedabouthowthedissolutionorseparationisaffectingthem.Thestrongconflictingemotionstheyexperiencemaycausethemtoactinnewandunfamiliarwaysastheystruggletodealwiththesechangesintheirlives.Therefore,parentsshouldn’tassumethattheirchild’smoodswingsoractingoutarecausedbytheotherparent.

13TO15YEARS—EARLYTEENS

Childrenbetweenages13and15continuetousethefamilyasabaseofsupportandguidance.Thisisatimewhenthechildisstrivingforindependencebutstillistiedtotheparents.Teens,formanydifferentreasons,begintoassertmoreindependenceatdifferentages.Decision‐makingabilitiesvarywidelyamongteensinthisagegroupaswellasfromonesituationtoanother.

Teensoftenhaveoutsideintereststhatcompetewiththescheduledparentingplan.Theyfrequentlyprefertospendmoretimewiththeirfriendsthantheirparentsandmaybecomeresentfulorangryiftheycan’tdowhattheywanttodo.

Teensmaytrytoreachadealwithoneorbothparentstogetwhattheywant,whichmayaffecteitherparent’sparentingtime.It’simportantforparentstotalkwitheachothertodecidewhentheirparentingplanshouldbemoreflexible.

16TO18YEARS—LATETEENS

Parentsshouldlettheirteenexpresshisorherviews,whilemakingitclearitisuptotheparentstomakethefinalparentingtimedecisions.

Child Development

15

It’simportantforparentsofteenagersofthisagetomaintainthechild’saccessibilitytoschool,friends,andextracurricularandcommunityactivitiesfrombothhomes.Teensmayfeeltheyshouldhavemoreindependenceandmayresistarigidparentingtimeschedule.Parentsmustaddgreaterflexibilitytotheparentingplanbythinkingaboutthechild’swishesanddecidingparentingtimeissueswiththechild.Thatway,teenagerswon’tfeelforcedtocomplywithaparentingscheduleinwhichtheyhadnosaybutinsteadwillfeelliketheyaredoingsomethingtheywanttodo.

Yourteenmaybenefitfromaprimaryhomebase,withspecificevenings,weekends,andactivitiesattheotherhomescheduledonaregularandpredictablebasis.Morethananything,yourteenagerwillusuallywantasayintheparentingplanbuttheteendoesn’tgettochoose.Regardlessofyourteen’sneeds,theparentingplanshouldincludetheconsiderationslistedbelow:

work extracurricularactivities sociallife increasedschoolwork jobs peerrelationships sports

Manyteenspreferoneprimaryhome(closetotheirfriends),andweekendsoreveningswiththeotherparent.Somewillpreferabalanced,50‐50planwiththeirparents.Muchofthiswilldependonthehistoryoftherelationshipwitheachother,thedistancebetweenparents,andtheparents’availabilitytomeettheirchild’sneeds.

16

SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR PARENTS AND MEDIATORS

FOR PARENTS

Theguidelinesallowyoutothinkthroughtheparentingsituationsyouwillfaceasparentslivingapart.Thereisnosimpleanswertothe“best”parentingplan.But,ingeneral,childrendomuchbetterwhentheygetconsistentguidancefrombothparents.Kidswinifmomanddadworktogetherconstructivelyandparentskeepdisagreementsawayfromthekids.

Aparentingplanisastartingpointinyourcomplexjourneyasaparentwithdual‐homechildren.Yourparentingplanwillgiveyouabasicunderstandingguidingyouinthefuture,sodoyourbesttostudythefollowingpagesandfillintheblankscarefully.

Pleasedon’tfighttoyourdyingbreathovereverydetail.Noparentingplanisperfect.Changeshappenandunexpectedcircumstancesoccur.Putyourchildren'sneedsfirst.Doyourbesttobeflexibleasyoucreateyourparentingplanandadjusttochangeinthefuture.

Thebestpost‐separationparents:1. arecommittedtoparentingandunderstandthe

importanceofbothparents;2. cooperateinspiteofnegativefeelings;3. adequatelycoordinateparentalactivities;4. trytodothebestfortheirchildren;5. areflexible;and6. makesacrificesifnecessaryforthesakeofthe

children.

FOR MEDIATORS

Youwillhelpthechildrenbyhelpingparentsworktogetherforthesakeoftheirchildren.Thebestparentscooperateflexiblydespitenegativefeelingsbecausetheywantthebestfortheirchildren.

17

Theguidelinesinthispamphletaregroundedinresearchfocusedonchilddevelopmentandparentingissues.Asamediatoryou’reencouragedtousethisguidetohelpparentsrealizethattherearemanygoodchoices.Thereisnoneedforparentstogetstuckinnarrowpositions.Maybeoneoftheexactparenting‐timeformulasbelowwillwork,butabettersolutionmayinvolvecreativity.

Prolongedhighconflictisdamagingtochildren.Argumentsatthetimeofdissolutionandseparationarecommonbuttheyareusuallytransitory.Thevastmajorityofparentssettleintoaworkableroutinewithintwoyearsoftheirseparation.Childrenwillwinifyoucanhelptheirparentsdefuseangerandfocusoneffectiveco‐parenting.

Lessconflictandgreatercooperationbetweenparentspredictabetteradjustmentwithfewerproblemsamongchildren.Asamediatoryou’readisputeresolutionexpert;pleaseencourageparentstocreateanddeveloptheirowndisputeresolutiontechniquestohelpminimizetheeffectofthedissolutiononthechildren.

18

SPECIAL MESSAGE ABOUT ATTORNEYS AND JUDGES

ABOUT ATTORNEYS

Attorneysworktopredictwhatastandardparentingplanlookslike.Mostoftheseparentingguidesrevolvearoundtheparentsorare“parent‐centric.”Theemphasisisontheparents’needs,desires,andexpectationsratherthanthechild’sbestinterest.

Theguidelinespresentedinthisdocumentarenottheguidelinesthatattorneysareusedtoandaredesignedtocreatea“child‐centric”parentingplan.

Attorneyswilllookcloselyatallofthefactorsincreatingaparentingplanthatbestmeetstheneedsoftheirclient,andmostimportantly,thechildren.Youshouldspeakcarefullywithyourattorneyaboutthechild’sindividualneeds.

ABOUT JUDGES

Ajudgemustdecidethataparentingplanisinthechild’sbestinterest.Evenifthepartiesagreetoaplan,ifthejudgefindsthatitisnotinthechild’sbestinterest,theplanwillnotbeapproved.

Theseguidelineswillhelpyoutofocusonwhatisbestforyourchild.Remember,justbecauseyoubaseyourproposedparentingplanontheseguidelinesdoesnotmeanthatajudgewillapprovetheplan.

19

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULES

Thefollowingplansarejustideasthatmayormaynotworkforyourchildren.Feelfreetouseoneofthenumberedplansordesignaplanthatworksbestforyourchildren,basedonwork,school,activities,andotherconsiderations.

Usethisblankcalendartodesigntheschedulethatbestmeetsyourneeds.Youmaywanttoprint12oftheblankcalendarstoscheduletheentireyearofparentingtime.YoumayfindithelpfultouseonecolorinkforParentAandonecolorinkforParentB.

It’srecommendedthatyoureadtheChildDevelopmentsectionthatappliestoyourchildbeforedecidingonaparentingtimeschedule.

Parenting Time Schedules

20

Monthly Parenting Time Schedule for _________Week 1 Sun Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri Sat

____ to ____

____ to ____

Week 2 Sun Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri Sat

____ to ____

____ to ____


____ to ____

____ to ____


____ to ____

____ to ____


____ to ____

____ to ____


21

5

SUMMARY OF PARENTING TIME SCHEDULES

PlanNo. Description

PAGE

BIRTH–24MOS.

24–36MOS.

3–5YEARS

6–9YEARS

10–12YEARS

TEENAGERS

Threeperiodsof3–5hoursspacedthroughouteachweek

2231

Twoperiodsof4–6hoursspacedthroughouteachweek

2231

Two3–5hourperiodsandone8‐hourperiodspacedthroughouteachweek

223234

Twoperiodsof3–6hoursand1overnighteachweek

233234

NR

Oneperiodof3–6hoursandtwonon‐consecutiveovernightseachweek

233334

NR

Oneperiodof3–6hoursandtwoconsecutiveovernightseachweek

2434 NR

Twodayswithoneparent(includingovernights)followedby3dayswiththeotherparent(includingovernights)withthisschedulecontinuingovertime

2434 NR NR

means that this option is generally appropriate for the age group.

Blank means that this option is neutral. It may or may not be appropriate.

NR means not recommended in the majority of cases.

1

3

4

6

2

7


22

8

9

10

12

PlanNo. Description

PAGE

BIRTH–2YEARS

2TO3YEARS

3–5YEARS

6–9YEARS

10–12YEARS

TEENAGERS

Twoconsecutiveovernightseveryotherweek.Anadditional3–6hourperiodorovernightmaybeaddedeachweek.

2535384146

NR NR

Threeconsecutiveovernightseveryotherweekandanadditional4–6hourperiodeachweek

2535384146

NR NR

FourconsecutiveovernightsduringWeek1andoneovernightduringWeek2

2736384246

NR NR NR

Spliteachweekandweekend

2836394346

NR NR NR

Eachparenthasthesame2consecutiveweekdayovernightseachweekandalternatestheweekends

2937404346

NR NR

Theparentssharetimewiththechildduringalternating7‐dayperiods.Amidweekovernightperiodisoptionalwiththeparentwhodoesn’thaveparentingtimethatweek.

30404347

NR NR NR

means that this option is generally appropriate for the age group.

Blank means that this option is neutral. It may or may not be appropriate.

NR means not recommended in the majority of cases.

11

13

23

PARENTING TIME EXAMPLES

Thefollowingareexamplesoftheparentingschedules.Eachparentingscheduleshows4weeks.Therearetwotimeslotsoneachday.

TheparentingtimeforParentAisshownbywhitespace.TheparentingtimeforParentBisshownbyshadedspace.

Theseareonlyexamples.Feelfreetochangethedayoftheweekorthehoursofparentingtime.Youmayneedtochangethewaythatparentingtimeissharedbecauseofyourchild’sneeds,yourwork,orotherconsiderations.

Parenting Time Examples

24

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLANS 1, 2, AND 3

Parenting Time: Plan 1 Three periods of 3–5 hours spaced throughout each week

Wk Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat

1 3-5 hours

3-5 hours

3-5 hours

2 3-5 hours

3-5 hours

3-5 hours

3 3-5 hours

3-5 hours

3-5 hours

4 3-5 hours

3-5 hours

3-5 hours

Advantages of Plans 1, 2, and 3: The child has frequent but short visits

with the non-custodial parent.

Offers consistency and predictability.

The custodial parent gets a few “breaks”throughout the week.

Disadvantages of Plans 1, 2, and 3:

There are 6 exchanges each week, whichmight be difficult if the parents don’t getalong.

The week may seem a bit “choppy” orbroken up.

Parenting Time: Plan 2 Two periods of 4–6 hours spaced throughout each week


1 4-6 hours

4-6 hours

2 4-6 hours

4-6 hours

3 4-6 hours

4-6 hours

4 4-6 hours

4-6 hours

Parenting Time: Plan 3 Two 3–5 hour periods spaced through each week

Wk Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat 1 3-5

hours

3-5 hours

3-5 hours

2 3-5 hours

3-5 hours

3-5 hours

3 3-5 hours

3-5 hours

3-5 hours

4 3-5 hours

3-5 hours

3-5 hours

1

2 3


25

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLANS 4 AND 5

Parenting Time: Plan 4 Two periods of 3–6 hours and 1 overnight each week


1 3-6 hours

3-6 hours

Over night

2 Exchange

3-6 hours

3-6 hours

Over night

3 Exchange

3-6 hours

3-6 hours

Over night

4 Exchange

3-6 hours

3-6 hours

Over night

Advantages of Plan 4: The child has frequent but short visits

with the non-custodial parent.

The custodial parent has a few “breaks”throughout the week.

There is consistency and predictability.

Disadvantages of Plan 4:

There are 5–6 exchanges each week,which might be difficult if the parentsdon’t get along.


Advantages of Plan 5:

The child has frequent but short visitswith the non-custodial parent.

The custodial parent has almost daily“breaks.”

Disadvantages of Plan 5: There are many (almost daily) exchanges,

which might be difficult if the parentsdon’t get along.


Parenting Time: Plan 5 One period of 3–6 hours and 2 nonconsecutive overnights each week

Wk Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat 1 Excha

ngeExchange

Over night

Over night

3-6 hours

2 Exchange

Exchange

Over night

Over night

3-6 hours

3 Exchange

Exchange

Over night

Over night

3-6 hours

4 Exchange

Exchange

Over night

Over night

3-6 hours

4

5


26


Parenting Time: Plan 6 One period of 3–6 hours and two consecutive overnights each week

Wk Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat 1 All day

3-6 hours

Over night

Over night

2 Ex-change

3-6 hours

All day Ex-change

Over night

Over night

3 All day

3-6 hours

Over night

Over night

4 Ex-change

3-6 hours

All day Ex-change

Over night

Over night


The child sees the parent with primaryparenting time almost daily and the otherparent 3–5 days per week.


Only Mondays are consistent every week.

May seem “choppy” or fragmented

There are 3–5 exchanges each week,which might be difficult if the parentsdon’t get along.

Advantages of Plan 7: Each parent has solid blocks of time (2–3

days) with the child.


Inconsistent from week to week (whathappens on Monday in Week 1 doesn’toccur in Week 2).

It may be confusing for the parents tofollow and remember which days they areto care for the child.

Only rarely would a parent have a fullweekend.

It might be hard to arrange the child’sextracurricular activities unless bothparents agree. For example, if one parentwants to enroll the child in karate onMondays and the other parent doesn’tagree, the child may miss several lessons.

Parenting Time: Plan 7 Two days with one parent (including overnights) followed by 3 days with the other parent (including overnights) with this schedule continuing over time


1 All day All day All day All day

Over night

Ex-change

Over night

Ex-change

2 All day All day

Over night

Ex-change

3 All day All day All day

Over night

Ex-change

Over night


Ex-change

Over night

Ex-change

6

7


27


Parenting Time: Plan 8 Two consecutive overnights every other week. An additional 3–6 hour period or overnight may be added each week


1 All day

3-6 hours

Over night

2 All day

Ex-change

Over night

3-6 hours

3 All day

3-6 hours

Over night

4 All day

Ex-change

Over night

3-6 hours

Advantages of Plans 8 and 9: Consistency/predictability throughout

the school week.

Disadvantages of Plans 8 and 9:

Limited time for one parent.

The child does not see one parent for 6days in alternative weeks.

Parenting Time: Plan 9 Three consecutive overnights every other week and an additional 4–6 hour period each week. Alternate Sundays can be overnights


1 All day

4-6 hours

Over night

Over night

2 All day

Ex-change

Over night

4-6 hours

3 All day

4-6 hours

Over night

Over night

4 All day

Ex-change

Over night

4-6 hours

Parenting Time: Plan 9 Modification Three consecutive overnights every other week and an additional 4–6 hour period each week. Alternate Wednesdays (before other parent’s weekend) can be overnight)

Wk Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat 1 All

day

4-6 hours

Over night

Over night

2 All day

Ex-change

Ex-change

Over night

Over night

3 All day

4-6 hours

Over night

Over night

4 All day

Ex-change

Ex-change

Over night

Over night

8

9 9


28

Parenting Time: Plan 9 Modification Three consecutive overnights every other week and every Wednesday is overnight


1 Ex-change

All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

2 All day

Ex-change

Ex-change

Over night

Over night

3 Ex-change

All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

4 All day

Ex-change

Ex-change

Over night

Over night

Parenting Time: Plan 9 Modification Three consecutive overnights every other week and alternate Wednesdays are overnights


1 O Ex-change

All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

2 All day

Ex-change

Over night

4-6 hours

3 Ex-change

All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

4 All day

Ex-change

Over night

4-6 hours

9 9


29

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLAN 10 (ALTERNATING WEEKENDS)

Parenting Time: Plan 10 Four consecutive overnights during Week 1 and one overnight during Week 2


dayAll day All

day

Over night

Over night

Over night

2 All day

Ex-change

All day

Ex-change

Over night

Over night

3 All day

All day All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

4 All day

Ex-change

All day

Ex-change

Over night

Over night


Minimal parental face-to-face contact(none if exchange is Monday morningat school and pick up is every Thursdayat school).

Consistency and predictability mostweekdays (school days).

Alternate prolonged weekends(Thursday–Sunday) often appealing inthe summer for short trips.

Disadvantages of Plan 10: Six-day block every other week when

the child does not see the non-residential parent.

Some children may have difficulty onMonday at school after being awayfrom the primary parent for four days.

Parenting Time: Plan 10 Modification Four consecutive overnights during Week 1 and one overnight during Week 2. End weekend on Sunday night


dayAll day All

day

Over night

Over night

Over night

2 All day All day

Ex-change

Ex-change

Over night

3 All day

All day All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

4 All day All day

Ex-change

Ex-change

Over night

Parenting Time: Plan 10 Modification Four consecutive overnights during Week 1 and one overnight during Week 2. Add Wednesdays in alternate weeks


dayAll day All

day

Over night

Over night

Over night


Ex-change

Ex-change

Over night

Over night

3 All day

All day All day

Over night

Over night

Over night


Ex-change

Ex-change

Over night

Over night

10

10 10


30

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLAN 11 (SPLIT WEEK)

Parenting Time: Plan 11 Split each week and weekend

Wk Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat 1 All day All day All day Ex-

change

Over night

Over night

Over night

2 All day All day All day Ex-change

Over night

Over night

Over night


Over night

Over night

Over night


Over night

Over night

Over night


The child never goes more than threedays without seeing a parent.

Consistency and predictability eachweek.

The child can “settle in” at eachhousehold for a few days.

Most children enjoy having a “stayhome” (weekend) day with eachparent every week.

Disadvantages of Plan 11: Neither parent has a full weekend

(although this can be accommodatedwith flexibility and/or with the holidayand vacation plans).

Parenting Time: Plan 11 Modification Split each week and weekend. The exchange can occur on Saturday night



Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night


Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night


Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night


Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Parenting Time: Plan 11 Modification Split each week and weekend. The exchange can alternate between Saturday evening one week and Sunday morning the next week


1 All day All day Ex-change

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night


Over night

Over night

Over night

3 All day All day Ex-change

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night


Over night

Over night

Over night

11

11 11


31

12

12

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLAN 12

Parenting Time: Plan 12 Each parent has the same 2 consecutive weekday overnights each week and alternates the weekends

Wk Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat 1 All day Ex-

changeAll day

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

2 All day All day

Ex-change

Over night

Over night

3 All day Ex-change

All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

4 All day All day

Ex-change

Over night

Over night


All exchanges can occur at school ordaycare, which is easier for mostchildren to handle.

No parental face-to-face contact,which makes this an ideal plan forhigh-conflict parents

Consistency and predictability onweekdays

Full weekends for each parent

Five-day blocks may be appealing tomany parents (especially in thesummer for “mini vacations”).

Disadvantages of Plan 12: Five days may be too long to be away

from one or both parents.

Transitioning every 2-5 days may seemhard for some children (especiallyensuring that their clothes, books,toys, etc., accompany them).

Parenting Time: Plan 12 Modification Each parent has the same 2 consecutive weekday overnights each week and alternates the weekends. The Wednesday Thursday parent’s time can end on Sunday evening


1 All day

All day Ex-change

All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

2 All day All day

Ex-change

Over night

Over night

3 All day

All day Ex-change

All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

4 All day All day

Ex-change

Over night

Over night


32

PARENTING TIME SCHEDULE: PLAN 13 (ALTERNATING WEEKS)

Parenting Time: Plan 13 The parents share time with the child during alternative 7-day periods.


1 All day All day

All day All day All day

All day

All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

2

3 All day All day

All day All day All day

All day

All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

4

Advantages of Plan 13: Limited Transitions (actually none if

transitions occur at school).

The child is able to “settle in” at eachparent’s home.

By starting the alternate week on Friday,the child has the weekend to adjust tothe upcoming family environment.


Requires effective parental communica-tion and cooperation to arrange weeklyactivities (for example, soccer onTuesdays would have to be agreed upon,flute lessons on Thursday, etc.).

Seven days away from each parent maybe unsettling for some children(particularly younger ones).

Transitioning to the other parent’shousehold after being gone a week maybe difficult.

Parenting Time: Plan 13 The parents share time with the child during alternative 7-day periods. Add midweek visit (limited hours or overnight)

Wk Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat 1 All day All

dayAll day All

dayAll day

All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

2

3 All day All day

All day All day

All day

All day

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

Over night

4

13

13

33

CHILD DEVELOPMENT AND SUGGESTED PARENTING PLANS

DESIGNING A PLAN FOR BIRTH TO 2 YEARS

Plans1and2areforwhen: Thechildwillspendless

timewithoneparentbecauseofworkschedules,livingarrangements,orgreatdistancebetweenhomes,or

Thechildhasnotyetdevelopedabondwithaparent,or

Aparenthaslimitedparentingskills,or

Thechildhaspreviouslyspentmostofthetimewithoneparent.

Plan1:Threeperiodsofthreetofivehoursspacedthroughouteachweek.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage22.)

Comment:Frequentcontacthelpsthechildbondwitheachparent,somethingthatisimportantforthechild’shealthydevelopment.

Plan2:Twoperiodsoffourtosixhoursspacedthroughouteachweek.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage22.)

Comment:ThisplanismorehelpfulthanPlan1whentheparents’workschedules,livingsituations,orlevelsofconflictwitheachothermakemorefrequentexchangesdifficult.Becausethisplanhasonlytwovisitseachweek,bondingbetweentheparentandchildmaytakealittlemoretime,andthechildmayhavedifficultygoingfromoneparenttotheother.

Vacation:Vacationsthataremuchdifferentfromtheregularparentingtimeschedulearen’trecommendedunlesstheparentsagree.

Holidays:Parentsshouldconsiderdividingholidaysorspecialoccasionsintimeblockssimilartotheirregularparentingtime.

Createyourownscheduleusingthesampleformonpage18.

1

2

Child Development and Suggested Parenting Plans

34

Plan3ismeantforsituationswhere: Parentshavebeenusing

Plans1or2forsometime,or

ParentsmaystartwithPlan3whenbothparentshaveabondwiththechild,or

Whenparentingskillsofeachparentareadequate,butwhereoneoftheparentshaslessavailabletimethantheothertodevotetothechild.

Plan3:Twoperiodsofthreetofivehoursandoneperiodofeighthoursspacedthroughouteachweek.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage22.)

Vacation:Vacationsthataremuchdifferentfromtheregularparentingtimeschedulearen’trecommendedunlesstheparentsagree.



DESIGNING A PLAN FOR 2 TO 3 YEARS






Plan3:Twoperiodsofthreetofivehoursandoneperiodofeighthoursspacedthroughouteachweek.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage22.)

Plan3Vacation:Vacationsthataremuchdifferentfromtheregularparentingtimeschedulearen’trecommendedunlesstheparentsagree.

Plan4:Twoperiodsofthreetosixhoursandoneovernighteachweek.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage23.)

Plan4Vacation:Parentsmayhavetwoone‐weekperiodsseparatedbyatleastfourweeks.Atleastthirtydaysbeforetheplannedvacation,eachparentmustgivetheotherparentwrittennoticeofthetraveldates.Atleastthreedaysbeforetravel,eachparentmustgivedetailed

3

4

3


35

5

informationtotheotherparent,includingtheplacesthey’llbegoingandhowtoreachthechildortheparentduringthevacation.



ParentsmaystartwithPlan5when: Bothparentshavea

bondwiththechild,or

Parentingskillsofeachparentareadequate,butwhereoneparenthaslessavailabletimethantheothertodevotetothechild,or

ParentshavebeenusingPlans3and4forsometime.

Plan5:Oneperiodofthreetosixhoursandtwonon‐consecutiveovernightseachweek.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage23.)

Comment:Ideally,achildthisageshouldn’tbeseparatedonaregularschedulefromeitherparentforlongerthanthreedays.Forlegitimatereasons,however,suchasvacationandothersuchreasons,childrencanbeseparatedfromeitherparentforsomewhatlongerperiodsoftime,uptoaweekifneedbe.

Vacation:Parentsmayhavetwoone‐weekperiodsseparatedbyatleastfourweeks.Atleastthirtydaysbeforetheplannedvacation,eachparentmustgivetheotherparentwrittennoticeofthetraveldates.Atleastthreedaysbeforetravel,eachparentmustgivedetailedinformationtotheotherparent,includingtheplacesthey’llbegoingandhowtoreachthechildortheparentduringthevacation.




36

Plan6includesovernights.Plan6isforparentswho: Havecaredforthechild

aboutequally,or

Bothknowhowtocareforthechildovernight,or

Livecloseenoughtoeachotherthatthechildwon’thavelongcartripsbetweenthehomes,or

Cancommunicateandcooperatewitheachotheraboutthechild’scareandwell‐being,or

ParentscanalsochangetoPlan6aftersuccessfullyfollowingPlan5forawhile.

Plan6:Oneperiodofthreetosixhoursandtwoconsecutiveovernightseachweek.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage24.)





Theplanssuggestedforthe2‐to3‐yearagegrouparealsoappropriateforthisagechild.

Plan7includeovernights.Plan7isforparentswho: Havecaredforthechild

aboutequally,or


Livecloseenoughtoeachotherthatthechild

Plan7:Twodayswithoneparent(includingovernights)followedbythreedayswiththeotherparent(includingovernights)withthisschedulecontinuingovertime.Thisplanrequiresbothparentstolivenearenoughtooneanother,manageconflictsawayfromtheirchild,andcommunicatewellabouttheirchild.Thisplanmayalsobeappropriatewhenthereisanolderchildwhospendsconsiderabletimewithbothparents.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage24.)

6

7


37

9

8

won’thavelongcartripsbetweenthehomes,or


ParentscanalsochangetoPlan7aftersuccessfullyfollowingPlan5forawhile.









Plan8:Twoconsecutiveovernightseveryotherweek.Anadditionalthree‐tosix‐hourperiodorovernightmaybeaddedeachweek.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage25.)

Plan9:Threeconsecutiveovernightseveryotherweekandanadditionalfour‐tosix‐hourperiodeachweek.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage25.)

Vacation:Eachparentmayhaveuptotendaysintownoroutoftowneachyearortwoone‐weekperiodstakenseparatedbyatleastthreeweeks.Atleastthirtydaysbeforetheplannedvacation,eachparentmustgivetheotherparentwrittennoticeofthetraveldates.Atleastthreedaysbeforetravel,eachparentmustgivedetailedinformationtotheotherparent,includingtheplacesthey’llbegoingandhowtoreachthechildortheparentduringthevacation.

Holidays:Seethe“Holidays,Vacations,andSchoolBreaks”sectiononpage49.


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10



bondwiththechild,or


ParentshavebeensuccessfullyusingPlans9and10forsometime.

Plan10:FourconsecutiveovernightsduringWeek1andoneovernightduringWeek2(Seeasamplescheduleonpage27.)


Holidays:Parentsmayalternate,share,orsplittheholidaysforchildrenofthisage.The“Holidays,Vacations,andSchoolBreaks”sectiononpage49offerssomeideasofwhattothinkaboutandhowtodivideholidaysandotherspecialdays.


Plans11and12includeovernights.Plans12and13areforparentswho: Havecaredforthechild

aboutequally,or


Livecloseenoughtoeachotherthatthechild

Plan11:Spliteachweekandweekend.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage28.)

Comment:Thisplanprovidesaconsistentroutineandaccommodatesayoungchild'sabilitytobeapartfromeitherparentforthreetofourdays.Italsoallowsthechildtohavea“stayhome”day(SaturdayorSunday)witheachparenteachweek,whichishelpfultomanyyoungchildren.Ifparentsdislikenothavingfullweekendparentingtime,theschedulemaybemodifiedtoallowfullweekends

11


39

12

won’thavelongcartripsbetweenthehomes,or


ParentshavebeensuccessfullyfollowingPlan1forawhile.

duringthesummeroronholidays.Ifdesired,parentsmayalternateexchangessooneweekoneparenthasthreeovernightsandtheotherhasfourovernightsandthenextweekthenumberofovernightsisreversed.

Plan12:Eachparenthasthesametwoconsecutiveweekdayovernightseachweekandalternatestheweekends.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage29.)

Comment:Thisplanprovideseachparentwithalternatingfullweekendswithandwithoutthechildren.Thechildisawayfromeachparentduringalternateweeksforfivedays,whichmaybedifficultforsomechildrenthisage.Thisiscommonlyreferredtoasa5‐2‐2‐5schedule.Thisplanisidealwhenoldersiblingswouldbenefitfromthisschedule.Thisplanishelpfulwhentheparents’levelofconflictmakesexchangesdifficult,becauseallexchangescantakeplaceatdaycare.





40

8

9









Vacation:Eachyear,eachparentcantakefromtotwotofourweeksofvacationwiththechild.Twotwo‐weekperiodsmaybebestforyoungerchildren.Ifafour‐weekvacationperiodisusedandthechildisintown,thechildshouldhavetheopportunitytobewiththenon‐vacationingparentforoneweekendduringthevacationperiod.Atleastthirtydaysbeforethevacation,eachparentmustgivetheotherparentwrittennoticeofthetraveldates.Atleastthreedaysbeforetravel,eachparentmustgivedetailedinformationtotheotherparent,includingtheplacesthey’llbegoingandhowtoreachthechildortheparentduringthevacation.




41

10ParentsmaystartwithPlan10when: Bothparentshavea

bondwiththechild,or



Plan10:FourconsecutiveovernightsduringWeek1andoneovernightduringWeek2.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage27.)

Vacation:Eachyear,eachparentcantakefromtotwotofourweeksofvacationtimewiththechild.Twotwo‐weekperiodsmaybebestforyoungerchildren.Ifafour‐weekvacationperiodisusedandthechildisintown,thechildshouldhavetheopportunitytobewiththenon‐vacationingparentforoneweekendduringthevacationperiod.Atleastthirtydaysbeforetheplannedvacation,eachparentmustgivetheotherparentwrittennoticeofthetraveldates.Atleastthreedaysbeforetravel,eachparentmustgivedetailedinformationtotheotherparent,includingtheplacesthey’llbegoingandhowtoreachthechildortheparentduringthevacation.



Plans11,12,and13includeovernights.Theseplansareforparentswho: Havecaredforthechild

aboutequally,or


Livecloseenoughtoeachotherthatthechildwon’thavelongcartripsbetweenthehomes,


Comment:Thisplanletstheparentstakepartaboutequallyinthechild’sschoollife.Itprovidesaconsistentroutine,accommodatesachild’sabilitytobeapartfromeitherparentforthreeorfourdays,andallowsthechildtohavea“stayhome”day(SaturdayorSunday)witheachparenteachweek,whichishelpfultomanyyoungchildren.Parentswhowantfullweekendswithorwithoutthechildmaynotlikethisschedule,butitcanbewrittentoallowfullweekendsduringthesummeroron

11


42

12

or Cancommunicateand

cooperatewitheachotheraboutthechild’scareandwell‐being,or


holidays.Also,theschedulecanbewrittensothatinWeek1,ParentAhasthreeovernightsandParentBhasfour,andinWeek2,ParentBhasthreeovernightsandParentAhasfour.

Plan12:Eachparenthasthesametwoconsecutivemidweekovernightseachweekandalternatestheweekends.Thisiscommonlyreferredtoasthe5‐2‐2‐5plan.Eachweek,thechildspendsMondayandTuesdaynightwithParentAandWednesdayandThursdaynightwithParentB.InWeek1,thechildspendstheweekendwithParentA.InWeek2,thechildspendstheweekendwithParentB.(Seethesamplescheduleonpage29.)

Comment:Thisplanprovideseachparentwithalternatingfullweekendswithandwithoutthechildren.Thechildisawayfromeachparentduringalternateweeksforfivedays,whichmaybedifficultforsomechildren.Thisplanishelpfulwhentheparents’levelofconflictmakesexchangesdifficult,becauseallexchangescantakeplaceatschoolordaycare.

Plan13:Theparentssharetimewiththechildduringalternatingseven‐dayperiods.Amidweekovernightperiodisoptionalwiththeparentwhodoesn’thaveparentingtimethatweek.ThebestexchangetimeinmostcasesisFridayafterschoolorwork.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage30.)

Comment:Themoreconsistentthechild’slifeisfromweektoweek,theeasieritisforthechild.Parentswhocan’tcommunicateandworkwellwitheachotherwillfindithardtomakethisplansucceedforthechild.Forexample,ifoneparentwantstoenrollthechildinkaratelessonsonTuesdayevenings,theotherparentshouldtakethechildtokaratewhenthechildiswiththatparent.Asanotherexample,thechildmayhaveahardtimeinschoolifParentAhandleshomeworkdifferentlythanParentB.Allexchangesforthisplancantake

13


43

8

placeatschoolordaycareifdesired.








Aparenthaslimited



Vacation:Eachyear,eachparentcantakefromtotwotofourweeksofvacationtimewiththechild.Twotwo‐weekperiodsmaybebestforyounger

9


44

10

parentingskills,or Thechildhaspreviously

spentmostofthetimewithoneparent.

children.Ifafour‐weekvacationperiodisusedandthechildisintown,thechildshouldhavetheopportunitytobewiththenon‐vacationingparentforoneweekendduringthevacationperiod.Atleastthirtydaysbeforetheplannedvacation,eachparentmustgivetheotherparentwrittennoticeofthetraveldates.Atleastthreedaysbeforetravel,eachparentmustgivedetailedinformationtotheotherparent,includingtheplacesthey’llbegoingandhowtoreachthechildortheparentduringthevacation.




bondwiththechild,or






45

12



Plans11,12,and13includeovernights.Theseplansareforparentswho: Havecaredforthechild

aboutequally,or


Livecloseenoughtoeachotherthatthechildwon’thavelongcartripsbetweenthehomes,or




Comment:Thisplanletstheparentstakepartaboutequallyinthechild’sschoollife.Italsoprovidesaconsistentroutine,accommodatesachild’sabilitytobeapartfromeitherparentforthreeorfourdays,andallowsthechildtohavea“stayhome”day(SaturdayorSunday)witheachparenteachweek,whichishelpfultomanyyoungchildren.Parentswhowantfullweekendswithorwithoutthechildmaynotlikethisschedule,butitcanbewrittentoallowfullweekendsduringthesummeroronholidays.Also,theschedulecanbewrittensothatinWeek1,ParentAhasthreeovernightsandParentBasfour,andinWeek2,ParentBhasthreeovernightsandParentAhasfour.


Comment:Thisplanprovideseachparentwith

11


46

alternatingfullweekendswithandwithoutthechildren.Thechildisawayfromeachparentduringalternateweeksforfivedays,whichmaybedifficultforsomechildren.Thisplanishelpfulwhentheparents’levelofconflictmakesexchangesdifficult,becauseallexchangescantakeplaceatschoolordaycare.

Plan13:Theparentssharetimewiththechildduringalternatingseven‐dayperiods.Amidweekovernightperiodisoptionalwiththeparentwhodoesn’thaveparentingtimethatweek.ThebestexchangetimeinmostcasesisFridayafterschoolorwork.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage30.)

Comment:Themoreconsistentthechild’slifeisfromweektoweek,theeasieritisforthechild.Parentswhocan’tcommunicateandworkwellwitheachotherwillfindithardtomakethisplansucceedforthechild.Forexample,ifoneparentwantstoenrollthechildinkaratelessonsonTuesdayevenings,theotherparentshouldtakethechildtokaratewhenthechildiswiththatparent.Asanotherexample,thechildmayhaveahardtimeinschoolifParentAhandleshomeworkdifferentlythanParentB.Allexchangesforthisplancantakeplaceatschoolordaycareifdesired.


13


47



DESIGNING A PLAN FOR TEENS

Parentsofteensshouldthinkaboutthechild’sscheduleandcommitments,distancebetweentheparents’homes,eachparent’sworkscheduleorotherobligations,thechild’stemperamentandwishes,andateen’sneedforunstructuredtime.

Parentsmayneedtothinkaboutmanycircumstanceswhenmakingschedulesforteenagers.Theirinvolvementwithschool,friends,clubs,sports,orothercommitmentscancreateanexhaustingschedule.Theresultmaybethattheteenishomeforlittlemorethansleepingandeating,leavingnotimeforfamilyorparents.

Parentsmaylosealotoftimewiththeirteensbecauseactivitiesorfriendstakeevenmoreoftheteen’stime.Planningthescheduleofateenthatcanbalancealloftheseareasmayrequirethehelpofprofessionals,suchascounselors,mediators,orparentingcoordinators,whohavecreatedsuchplans,iftheparentsareunabletodoso.

It’schallengingtocreateparentingschedulesforthisagegroupbecauseeachfamily’scircumstancesareunique.It’sespeciallyimportantforparentstobeflexiblewhencreatingaparentingplanwithateenager.Whenparentsagree,aflexibleschedulemayworkbestforateenaslongastheparentsareabletoworktogetherwithlittleconflictandtheteenspendstimewitheachparent.Inthiscase,teenscanplantheirschedulebasedontheiractivitiesandsociallives.Theamountoftimetheyspendateitherparent’shouseisduetotheteen’sinterests,notapreferenceforoneparentovertheother.

It’simportantforparentstobeflexiblewhencreatingaparentingplanwithateenager.


48

8

Having“NoPlan”maybeanacceptablealternativethatdoesn’tfavoroneparentandyetstillallowstheteentohaveaschedulethatsupportshisorherlife.Thefactthatthereisnoplanshouldn’tunderminetheparent‐childrelationship.

Thisisalsoatimewhenchildrenmaytalkaboutadesireforahomebasebecauseofthegrowingimportanceoftheirownfriendsandactivities.Bothparentscanincreasecontactthroughregularattendanceatthechild’sathletic,performance,academic,orotheractivities.Thisallowsforalargeamountofparentalinvolvementinactivitiesimportantinthechild’slife.

Althoughmanydifferentplansmayworkforteens,herearegeneraloptionsthatcanbeaframeworkfordevelopingaplan.


Comment:Providesahomebaseforthechildwithtimewiththenon‐residentialparentduringtheweekandonweekends.


Comment:Thismayornotoccur,dependingontheteen.



Comment:Thisplanletstheparentstakepartaboutequallyinthechild’sschoollife.Italsoprovidesaconsistentroutine,accommodatesachild’sabilitytobeapartfromeitherparentforthreeorfourdays,andallowsthechildtohavea“stayhome”day(SaturdayorSunday)witheach

10

11

9


49

12

parenteachweek.Parentswhowantfullweekendswithorwithoutthechildmaynotlikethisschedule,butitcanbewrittentoallowfullweekendsduringthesummeroronholidays.Also,theschedulecanbewrittensothatinWeek1,ParentAhasthreeovernightsandParentBhasfour,andinWeek2,ParentBhasthreeovernightsandParentAhasfour.


Comment:Thisplanprovideseachparentwithalternatingfullweekendswithandwithoutthechildren.Thechildisawayfromeachparentduringalternateweeksforfivedays.

Plan13:Alternatingseven‐dayperiodswithorwithoutmidweektime.Midweektimemayaddmoreschedulingchallenges.(Seeasamplescheduleonpage30.)

Vacation:Eachyear,eachparentcantakefromtotwotofourweeksofvacationtimewiththechild.Twotwo‐weekperiodsmaybebestforyoungerchildren.Ifafour‐weekvacationperiodisusedandthechildisintown,thechildshouldhavetheopportunitytobewiththenon‐vacationingparentforoneweekendduringthevacationperiod.Atleastthirtydaysbeforetheplannedvacation,eachparentmustgivetheotherparentwrittennoticeofthetraveldates.Atleastthreedaysbeforetravel,eachparentmustgivedetailedinformationtotheotherparent,includingtheplacesthey’llbegoingandhowtoreachthechildortheparentduringthe

13


50

vacation.Keepinmindyourteen’sworkschedulesandextracurricularactivities.


51

HOLIDAYS, VACATIONS, AND SCHOOL BREAKS

Thescheduleforholidays,vacations,andschoolbreakstakespriorityovertheregularlyscheduledparentingtime.Indecidinghowtoscheduletheseevents,thinkaboutitfromyourchild’spointofview.Childrenenjoyhavingtheopportunitytohavespecialtimewitheachparentandextendedfamilymembers.Eachparentmayneedtoencouragehisorherextendedfamilytoadjustsomeoftheirschedulessothechildcanparticipateincelebrationsduringparentingtime.Also,thinkaboutthechild’sneedtohavecontactwiththeotherparentduringextendedvacationtime.Scheduledphonecallsduringavacationcanhelpreduceanxietyforboththeparentandthechildwithoutdisruptingthevacation.

Wheneverthechildwillbetravelingtoadifferentplace,it’simportantfortheparentstoshareinformationaboutwheretheywillbestaying,howtheycanbecontacted,andwhentheywillbereturning.Ifthevacationingparentprovidesawrittenschedulethatincludesthisinformation,thenon‐vacationingparentwillbeassuredoftheabilitytocommunicateincaseofemergency.Inthatsameway,thenon‐vacationingparentshouldprovidecontactinformationifheorshewillnotbeathomeduringthechild’svacation.

Indeterminingwhattodoaboutschoolbreaks,considerthechild’sactivitiesandtheavailabilityofoneorbothparentsduringthebreak.Ifthechildneedsdaycare,theparentscanconsideraplanthatminimizesdaycareduringthebreak.Ifbothparentsmustwork,thechildmaystillenjoyabreakfromtheregularschedulethatallowshimorhertospendmoretimewithaparentthanisusual.

HOLIDAYS

Thefirststepistodecidewhatholidayseitherofyouwishtocelebrate.Keepinmindthetraditionsthechildhasexperiencedthroughhisorherlifeandhowtheholidayparentingtimemightaffectthesetraditionsandthechild’ssecurity.Childrenthriveonhealthytraditionsandcelebrationsandrespondmoreenthusiasticallytoaplanwhenbothparentsworkonittogetherandsupportit.

Holidays, Vacations, and School Breaks

52

Here’salistoftypicalholidays.Choosetheonesthatapplytoyourfamilyandaddanyothersthatshouldbeincludedintheparentingtimeplan.

IndependenceDay/4thofJuly MartinLutherKing,Jr./CivilLaborDay RightsDayRoshHashanah HalloweenYomKippur Presidents’DayVeterans’Day PassoverThanksgiving EasterHanukah Mother’sDayChristmasEve MemorialDayChristmasDay Father’sDayNewYear’sEve Child’sbirthdayNewYear’sDay Parents’birthdays

Afteryoudecidewhichholidaysapply,thinkaboutwhetherallholidaysshouldbehandledthesamewayorwhetheritmakesmoresensetodividesomeandalternatesome.ManyparentsagreethatthechildrenwillbewiththemothereveryMother’sDayandthefathereveryFather’sDay.Manyparentsdividemostoftheholidaysbutsplitupthetimeondaysthatarespecialforbothparents,suchasChristmasEveandChristmasorthechild’sbirthday.

VACATIONS

Mostparentsagreetoasettimeforeachparenttoenjoyavacationwiththechild.Whetheryou’retravelingforvacationorjuststayinghome,yourchildwillenjoyspendinganytimeyoucantakeawayfromworkwithyou.Whetheraparenthastheabilitytotaketimeofffromwork,vacationparentingtimeisintendedtoalloweachparentthechancetoeithertravelorstayhomeandspendanuninterruptedperiodoftimewiththeirchild.

Achildmaybecomeanxiousifawayfromaparentformuchlongerthanusual.Schedulingaphonecallmidwaythroughaweeklongvacation,forinstance,mayhelpthechildhandletheseparation.Sometimesfrequentcallsfromthe“away”parentcancausethechildtofeelsadnessandlonging.Ifbothparentsaresensitivetotheneedsoftheirchild,theycanfindabalancebetweencontactandtoomuchcontact.Ifalongvacationperiodisgoingtobespentathome,or


53

closetohome,itmightmakesensetobreakitupwithashortvisitwiththeotherparent.Parentsneedtomakeallofthesedecisionsaheadoftimetoreduceconflictbetweenthemandtoprovidepredictabilityforthechild.

Becausetransportation,weather,andotherissuescancauseproblemsduringtravel,it’simportanttoprovidetheotherparentwithdetailsaboutwhenandwheretravelwilloccur.Detailsincludeflightnumbersandtimes,hotels,placeswherethechildwillbestaying,andtelephonenumbers.Ifanemergencyarises,aparentshouldbeabletocontacttheotherparentorthechild.Theparenttravelingwiththechildshouldhavepassports,traveldocumentation(includinganotarizedconsenttotravelformiftravelingoutsidetheUnitedStates),updatedmedicalinformation,insurancecards,prescriptions,andanyotherspecialsuppliesthechildwillneed.

Communicationaboutwheneachparentwillusevacationtimeneedstotakeplacewellinadvanceofthevacation.Becauseofschoolschedules,mostparentsplanvacationsinthesummerandwilloftensetadeadlinetocommunicatethedatesoftheirvacations.Forinstance,ifeachparenthasatwo‐weekperiod,theymaydecidethatinevenyears,ParentAwillhavethefirstchancetochoosethevacationdatesandmustcommunicatethosedaysinwritingbyApril1;ParentBwillthenchoosethevacationdatesoutoftheremainingdatesandcommunicatethosedaysinwritingbyApril15.Inthisexample,ParentBwouldhavefirstchoiceinodd‐numberedyears.

SCHOOL BREAKS

Schooldistrictswilldeterminethebreakscheduleandusuallypublishtheiryearlycalendarswellinadvance.Mostdistrictshavewebsitesthatprovidecurrentschedules.Aswithholidays,thefirststepistodeterminewhichbreakstheschoolobserves.Schoolsmayhavespring,summer,fall,andwinterbreaksaswellasearlyreleaseorotherschoolreleasedays.

Iftheparentshavearegularparentingtimeschedulewithnearlyequaltime,manyparentswillnotchangetheparentingtimescheduleduringtheschoolbreaks.Theregularschedulewillcontinue.Otherparentswilldecidetoalternatebreakseachyearorsharethebreakbysplittingthetimebetweeneachparent.Sincethe


54

breakssometimesoccuratthesametimeastheholidays,suchasChristmasorPassoverandEaster,itmaybehelpfultolookattheholidayscheduleatthesametimewhenplanningthebreakschedule.

Herearesomeideasonhowtosharetheholidaysandlanguageyoucanusewhenyoucreateyourparentingplan.

Divide Splitthedayorweekend(notnecessarilyequally)betweenbothparents.

Sampleparentingplanlanguage:ThechildrenwillbewithParentAon________________(namethespecificholiday,suchasThanksgiving)from9:00a.m.to2:00p.m.andwithParentBfrom2:00p.m.to8:00p.m.

Alternate Thechildrenarewithoneparentonspecifiedholidaysinevenyearsandwiththeotherparentinoddyears.

Sampleparentingplanlanguage:ThechildrenwillbewithParentAon________________(specificholiday,suchasThanksgiving)inallevenyearsfrom9:00a.m.to5:00p.m.andwithParentBinalloddyearsfrom9:00a.m.to5:00p.m.

Substitute Thechildrenalwaysspendaspecificholidaywithoneparent(forexample,Halloween)inexchangeforadifferentholidaywiththeotherparent(forexample,FourthofJuly).

Sampleparentingplanlanguage:Thechildrenwillspend________________(specificholiday,suchasFourthofJuly)eachyearwithParentAand________________(specificholiday,suchasHalloween)withParentBeachyear.

Follow Thechildrenfollowtheirregularscheduleandcelebratetheholidaywiththe

regular assignedparentwhohasparentingtimeonthatdayortime.

scheduleSampleparentingplanlanguage:Thechildrenwillcelebrate________________(specificholiday,suchasFourthofJuly)asitfallsontheregularlyscheduledparentingtime.

55

LONG–DISTANCE PARENTING AND RELOCATION

Parentsmustbeawareoftheimpactofrelocationontheirchildandthatrelocationmayrequirethepermissionofajudge.

PleasereadtheMontanaNoticeofIntenttoMovestatute,§40‐4‐271,MCA,beforethinkingaboutamove.ThestatutecanbefoundinpubliclibrariesorontheInternetbyfollowingthelinksathttp://courts.mt.gov.Theterm“farapart”meansdifferentthingstodifferentpeople.Courtsexaminelong‐distanceparentingwhenthedistanceintimefortravelormilesissogreatthatithasaseriousimpactonachild’sabilitytobeincontactwiththenon‐movingparent.

Disagreementsaboutlong‐distanceparentingtimeoftenresultinthejudgemakingadecision.Unfortunately,adecisionbyajudgemaynotpleaseeitherparty.Eachrelocationcaseisunique,andtherightdecisionisbasedonthespecificfactsforeachfamily.Parentsshouldmakeaseriousefforttoresolveaparentingtimedisputethemselvesorwiththehelpofamediator,oranattorney.Anyreasonableagreementbetweentheparentsnegotiatedingoodfaithisusuallybetterthanhavingajudgedecidethematteraftertheexpenseandstressofacourthearing.

Aparentwhowantstomovealongdistancewith,orwithout,achildshouldthinkaboutmanythingsbeforemakingadecision.Longdistancesoftenweakentherelationshipsbetweenchildrenandparents.Ifthemoveisnecessary,parentsmightwanttoconsiderrelocatingbothhouseholdstothesamecity.Ifitisn’tpossible,parentingtimeforthedistantparentmustbeatregularandfrequenttimesduringtheyear.Thecourtconsidersmanyfactors,andparentsshouldthinkaboutthesefactors.Eachparentshouldtakeamomentand“standintheotherparentandthechild’sshoes.”Whatistheirpointofview?HowwouldIfeelifmychildmovedawaytoanothercity?Thinkaboutallthefactsincludingtheageandmaturityofthechild,thechild’sdevelopmentalneeds,siblingbonds,schoolandworkschedules,transportationcosts,thepresenceofsupportivefamilyandfriendsineachcity,andthegainsorlossofextendedfamily.

Long-distance parenting means

sacrifice—in time and in money. It requires a strong

commitment by each parent to

ensure involvement by

both parents with their child.

Long-Distance Parenting and Relocation

56

Formostchildren,along‐distancemovemayresultinlessregularcontactwithbothparents.Thechildbenefitsifbothparentsarewithinareasonabledistanceofeachother.Whenparentslivefarapart 0F,achild’sdailyandweeklycontactisreducedandlargegapsoftimewithoutphysicalcontactbetweenthechildandparentdevelop.Whenbothparentsmovetothesamegeneralarea,itislessdisruptive.Nomatterthedistance,achildwillbenefitfromasmuchregularandfrequentphysicalcontactwitheachparentaspossible.

GENERAL RECOMMENDATIONS

Whenparentslivefarapart,thereshouldbeaminimumoffourblocksofparentingtimebetweenthechildandparenteachyear.Blocksoftimeshouldoccuroverthesummer,winterbreak,springbreak,andatleastoneotherblockoftime.Whentheparentslivecloseenoughtoeachother,parentscanaddonce‐a‐monthweekendtimeduringthemonthsnotcoveredbythefourparentingtimeblocks.Whenthedrivingdistanceisunderfourhours,theopportunityexiststoaddevery‐other‐weekendcontactorlongweekendsintheplan.

Holidaysandspecialoccasionsarechallengingforparentswholivefarapart.Aschildrenreachagethree,theybecomeawareofholidays.Parentsmustbeflexible,cooperative,andallowthechildtoenjoyspecialtimeswitheachparent.Newfamilytraditionsmaydevelopforeachhousehold.Parentsshouldarrangeforthemanyreligious,cultural,ornationalholidaysthatexistineachhomeincludingfamilybirthdaysandMother’sDayandFather’sDay.

Long‐distanceparentingisexpensive.Parentsshouldworktoagreeonhowtosharethesecosts.Sometimesthecostsaredividedinproportiontotheparents’incomes.Dependingonthereasonforthemove,agreaterproportionmaybeplacedonthemovingparent.Onecost‐savingideaistohavethedistantparentdomostofthetravelingandnotthechildren.Iftheparentscan’tagree,thejudgewilldecide.

Example:JaimeandPatmovefromFloridatoMontanain2005becauseofPat’sjob.Theyhaveatwo‐year‐olddaughterandasonwhoisfive.Bothparentswork.JaimehastwoweeksofvacationeachyearandPathasfourweeks.Duringthemarriage,JaimewastheprimarycaregiverandPat

Children generally are resilient following their parents’ divorce, and those who have healthy relationships with both parents can thrive.


57

wasanactivesecondarycaregiver.Thisyeartheyfilefordissolution.JaimeisanonlychildwhoseelderlyparentsliveinFlorida.JaimewantstomovebacktoFloridatohavemoreincomeandtobeclosertothem.Pat’sjobrequirestraveloutofstateforaweekeachquarter.Patwantstoremainavitalandactiveparentinthechildren’slives.

Suggestions:1) PatasksatworkaboutahardshipmovebacktoFlorida2) TheparentspricethecostforajointmoveoradelayedmovebyPatwithreimbursement3) TheparentsthinkaboutsharingthecostofmovingJaime’sparentstoMontana4) Jaimeusesjobservicesinbothlocationstocomparetheincomes(whilekeepinginmindtheaddedcostsJaimecouldfacefortransportationofthechildren)5) JaimeconsidersstayinginMontanauntilthechildrenarebothschoolage6) Theparentssacrificetheirvacationtimetoalwaysvacationinthesamelocationastheotherparentuntilthechildrenareoldenoughtotravelunaccompaniedbyaparent7) Theparentsmeetinmediationtoexploremoreoptions8) Theparentscontinuetodiscusssolutionsbetweenthemselvesorthroughtheirattorneys,orgotocourttohaveajudgedecide

AGE-SPECIFIC RECOMENDATIONS

BIRTH TO PRE-SCHOOL Thisisanimportanttimeforbondingbetweenparentsandchildren.Formostchildren,thelossofastrongbondisalifelongissue.Incontrast,buildingastrongbondcreatesasenseofbelonging,encouragesactiveandcommittedparents,causeshealthyadultrelationshipswithbothgenders,facilitatesco‐parenting,andimprovescommunicationbetweenparentsandagrowingchild.Ifpossible,thelongdistanceseparationshouldbedelayedsothatbothparentsandchildrencanmakebestuseoftheirtimetogetherduringtheseformativeyears.Ifthemovecan’tbedelayed,theparentingtimescheduleshouldbedesignedtoprovidethemostdirectandfrequentphysicalcontactbetweenthechildandbothparentsthattimeandmoneypermit.


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KINDERGARTEN TO 12 YEARS Thepartiesshouldcontinuetomakethemostofthetimeeachparenthaswiththechild.Thescheduleshouldbeadjustedtofollowcloselythechild’sregularschoolschedule.Theschoolyearparentmustsacrificefrequentphysicalcontactduringnon‐schooltimessuchasthesummerandholidays,whilethenon‐schoolparentmustsacrificefrequentphysicalcontactduringtheschoolsemesters.Someschoolshaveyear‐roundormodifiedyear‐roundschedulesthatprovideformorefrequentorlongerbreakswiththedistantparent.Ifparentscanfindaschoolwithsuchaschedule,thiswillbeofassistancetochildren.

13 TO 15 YEARS Thepartiesshouldcontinuetotakefulladvantageofthetimeeachparenthaswiththeteen.Thescheduleshouldcontinuetofollowcloselytheavailabletimesfromtheteen’sschoolschedule.Thedistantparentmayneedtoaccommodatetheschoolscheduleandextracurricularactivities.Theschoolparentmayneedtosacrificeholidaytimetooffsettheparentingtimelostbythedistantparent.Weekendparentingtimemaybecomemoredifficultduringtheschoolyearbecauseoftheteen’sinvolvementwithschoolactivities,work,andfriends.Flexibilitybybothparentsiscritical.Parentscanexpecttheteentostarttotrytonegotiatetimewithbothparents.Consideryourteenager’sideasinyourdecision‐making.Expectthatsometeensmaywanttoswitchhometownsfortheopportunitytogettoknowtheotherparentbetter.Aswithanyplan,parentsmustmakethefinaldecisionaboutschedules.Summerparentingtimeisevenmoreimportanttoensurethatthedistantparentandteenhaveacontinuingrelationship.Thedistantparentshouldmakeeveryefforttoprovidematchingactivities,summerschoolclasses,oremploymentopportunitiesforateensothattheteenremainsenthusiasticaboutcontinuingthesummerschedule.

16 TO 18 YEARS Teensatthisagenormallythinkofthemselvesasyoungadultspreparingfortheworldaheadofthem.Parentscanguidetheirteenagerbypermittinggreaterresponsibilityandindependence.Oneopportunitytomakethemgooddecision‐makersiswiththeparentingtimeschedule.Asktheiropinion,listentowhattheyhavetosay,andgivethemchoices.Teenswanttheirparentstobe


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availablebutalsowanttocontroltheirownday‐to‐dayactivities.Communicationandcompromisewillleadtothedesiredflexibleschedule.

Example:ChrisandTerry’smarriagewasdissolvedfouryearsagoinMontanaandbothhaveremarried.Eachparenthasanewtoddler.Thepartieshaveteenagetwins,adaughterandason.ThetwinsliveprimarilywithChrisandspendsubstantialtimewithTerry.ChrisandTerryhavecontinuingconflicts.Thetwinsareenteringtheirsophomoreyearofhighschool.Thisyear,ChrisgaveTerrytimelynoticeofanintenttomovetoCaliforniaattheendoftheschoolsemesterbecauseChris’snewspouseisbeingtransferredtoSacramento.Terryobjectsandfilesarequesttoprohibittherelocationofthetwins.ChrissaysTerryisopposingthemoveoutofspite.TerrysaysChrisisusingthemovetodamagefurtherTerry’srelationshipwiththekids.

Suggestions:1) Theparentsputasidetheirconflictandconsidertheimpacts,proandcon,ofthemoveontheteens2) Theparentsconsiderchildinterviews3) Chris’snewspouseasksatworkaboutahardshipmovebacktoMontana4) TheparentspricethecostfortransportationtoandfromCalifornia5) Theparentsseekadvicefromeducationalprofessionalsontheimpactofachangeinhighschools6) Theparentsmeetinmediationtoexploremoreoptions7) Theparentscontinuetodiscusssolutionsbetweenthemselvesorthroughtheirattorneysorgotocourttohavethejudgedecide

GENERAL TIPS

AIR TRAVEL Ideally,achildyoungerthaneightshouldn’ttravelalone.Ifit’snecessaryforachildtotravelbyair,directflightsbetweenmajorcitiesarepreferredovermultiplestopsorplanechanges.Tosavecosts,ticketsshouldbepricedatathirty‐dayadvancenotice,economyclass,onmajorcarriers.Consulteachairlineforhowandwhenunaccompaniedormonitoredminorsmayfly.Rememberthatifapersonyoungerthan18istravelingintheUnitedStatesaloneorwithonlyoneparentoranotheradult,acertifiedcourtorderor


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notarizedconsentletterprovingthatbothparentspermitthetripmayberequired.YoushouldcheckwiththeairlineorTSAbeforetravelingwithaminorbyair.

DELAYS AT EXCHANGE POINTS Communicationisnevermoreimportantthanwhenalong‐distanceexchangeoccurs.Keepyourcontactnumberscurrentandnotifyeachotherofthesafearrivalofyourchild.Also,besuretokeepeachotherinformedofanyunforeseendelaysassoonaspossible.Discussinadvancewhatareasonablewaitingtimeisforeachmeansoftransportation.

DROP-IN VISITS Opportunitiescanoccurforeitherparenttobeintownwhenthechildrenareinthecareoftheotherparent.Whensuchopportunitiesarise,parentsshouldbeflexibleandsetasidenormalroutinestoallowcontactonshortnotice.Alotofgoodfaithcanarisefromsuchcooperation.Remember,theshoemaybeontheotherfootsomeday.

FREQUENT MOVES Familiesbenefitfromfinancialstabilityintheirlives.It’salsoafactthattheaverageU.S.familymoveseveryfiveyears.Typicalreasonsincludejobs,health,education,marriage,andfamilyemergencies.

INTERNATIONAL PARENTING TIME AND BORDER TRAVEL Internationalparentingtimeandtravelhaveuniquechallenges.Childrenmayleavethecountrywithoutrestrictionbutcan’treturnwithoutproofofcitizenship.Passportsandvisasarerequired.Theprimarycustodialparentshouldsafeguardthesedocumentsandmakethemeasilyavailabletotheotherparentatthescheduledtimesandplacesofexchange.Likewise,thedocumentsshouldbereturnedpromptlyattheconclusionofparentingtime.Thenon‐custodialparentshouldkeepcopiesofimportanttraveldocuments.Forthelatestrequirements,reviewthecrossingborderssectionoftheU.S.DepartmentofHomelandSecurityfoundontheDHSwebpageat1Hhttp://www.dhs.gov/xtrvlsec/crossingborders/.Forlong‐termplanning,reviewtheinformationfoundintheOfficeof


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Children’sIssues,U.S.DepartmentofState,foundonitswebpageat2Hhttp://travel.state.gov/family/about/about_605.html.

MILESTONES AND CHILD DEVELOPMENT Theparentwhoisawayfromthechildrenforasignificantlengthoftimemaybeoutoftheloopontheirgeneralwelfare.It’simportantforeachparentexercisingparentingtimewiththechildrentokeeptheotherinformedaboutschoolprogress,awards,specialrecognition,reportcards,sportsperformance,physicalandemotionalhealthconcerns,extracurricularactivities,andotherimportantmilestonesanddevelopmentsinthechild’slife.Likewise,thechildshouldknowthesignificant,age‐appropriateeventsineachparent’slifeduringhisorherabsence.Allareequallyimportant.Travelingorsharedjournalsareausefultoolforsuchpurposes.

TIME LOSS FOR TRAVEL Inalong‐distanceparentingplan,parentsshouldanticipatethelossoftimewithchildrenbybothparentsbecauseoftravelovergreatdistances.Buildingparentingtimeintotravelmaybeapossiblesolution.Traveltimeactivitiescanbeachanceforparentsandchildrentotransitionandenhancetheirrelationship.Parentsneedtodiscussthisissue.Onepossiblesolutionisforthereceivingparenttobetheparentaccompanyingthechildrenwhiletraveling.

“VIRTUAL PARENTING” Maintainingcontactbyphone,letter,textmessaging,e‐mail,webcam,andothertechnologicalmeansmaybehelpfulandworthwhileforlong‐distanceparenting.However,virtualparentingisnotanidealsubstituteforregularin‐personcontact,anditshouldn’tbeusedasanalternativethatdecreasestheparentingtimeofaparent.

WILD CARDS Parentscanexpectpre‐teensandteens,atacertainlevelofageandmaturity,tostarttonegotiatewithbothparentsabouttheirlivingarrangements.Onesolutionistobuildintotheplansome“wildcard”daysforthechildtochoosetoexpandorcontracttimeinsideanotherwisefixedschedule.

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SPECIAL ISSUES

ABSENT PARENT REUNIFICATION

Somechildrenmayhaveaparentwhowantstobecomepartoftheirlivesafteryears,oralifetime,ofnotbeinginvolvedwiththem.Otherchildrenmayhaveaparentwhowasintheirlivesatonetimebutleft,andthen,aftermanymonthsoryears,wantstobepartoftheirlivesagain.Theemotionalissuesforbothchildrenandthecustodialparentareoftenverycomplicatedanddifficulttounderstand.Mostchildrenandparentsneedprofessionalhelptobuildtrustbetweenthechildandtheabsentparent.Thiskindofhelpiscalledreunificationcounseling.Thetimeittakesforthecounselingtobesuccessfulwilldependinpartonthechild’sageandpersonality.Counselingalsocanhelpparentslearntocommunicateandcooperate.Thiskindofcounselingiscalledco‐parentcounseling.

BLENDED (STEP) FAMILIES

Today,atleastone‐thirdofallchildrenintheU.S.areexpectedtoliveinastepfamilybeforetheyreachage18.Whentwofamiliesunite,newpersonalities,habits,rules,andmemoriesbecomepartofthehousehold.Mostblendedfamiliesarecapableofworkingouttheirdifferencesorconflictsandlivingtogethersuccessfully.Ittakespatience,opendiscussionoffeelings,positiveattitudes,mutualrespect,andthoughtfulplanningonthepartofbothparents(biologicalandstep)tomaketheformationofanewfamilysucceed.Parentsalsoneedtobesensitivetothechildren’sneeds(thoseoftheirchildrenandthoseoftheotherparent)andunderstandthatblendedfamiliesarecomplex.

Nomatterhowhardtheparentstry,whentwoseparatefamiliescometogetherunderoneroof,therewillbeconflicts.Childrencanbesadorfearfulasthesechangesoccur,andittakestimeforthemtoadjusttothenewfamily.Severalcommonproblemscanoccurwithinablendedfamily.Oneproblemisdiscipline.Theparentsshouldagreeandexplaintothechildrenifandhowastepparentisgoingtodisciplinestepchildren.Anotherpossibleproblemiswhatnamethechildrenaretocallthestepparent.Inaddition,somechildrenwanttimealonewiththeirbiologicalparentandmaybecomeangrywhentheparentspendstimewiththenewpartnerandhisorherchildren.

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Therearealsochildrenwhoresistdevelopingaclosebondwithastepparentbecausetheyfearthiscouldangertheirbiologicalparentofthesamegender.Familycounselingforallfamilymembersmaybeneededifachildcontinuestoresentastepparent,ifastepparentcontinuestoresentastepchild,ifastepparentcontinuestoopenlyfavorhisorherchildren,orwhenamemberofthefamilycontinuestoavoidcontactwiththenewfamilymembers.Herearesometipsforparentsandstepparentstocreatepositiverelationshipsforeachmemberoftheblendedfamily:

Besensitiveaboutintroducinganewpartnerintoyourchildren'slives.

Spendsomealonetimewithyourownchildrensotheydon’tfeelovershadowedbythenewfamilymembers.

Discussparentingproblemswiththeotherparentawayfromthechildren.

Avoidanydisplayoffavoritismregardingyourchildren. Letthechildrenchooseanappropriatenameortitleforthe

stepparent. Planregularfamilymeetingstodiscussallmembers’needs.

BREAST-FEEDING

Pediatriciansagreethatbreast‐feedingisbestformostbabies.Thereisnoproof,though,thatbreast‐fedbabiesformcloserrelationshipswiththeirparentsthandobottle‐fedbabies.Childrendevelopsecureandpositiverelationshipswhentheyhavefrequentcontactwithaparentwhoholds,talks,comforts,andfeedstheminasensitiveandcaringmanner.

Parentswhoarenotraisingtheirchildtogethermustbalancethebaby’sneedtonursewithitsneedtobondwiththefather.Theparentsshouldtalkoftenandopenlywitheachotheraboutthebaby.Breast‐feedingshouldn’tbeusedtostopthefatherfromspendingtimewiththechild.Instead,mothersneedtoofferthefatherparentingtime,andfathersneedtobeflexibleregardingtheneedofthebabytonurse.Afathercanfeedaninfantwiththemother’sexpressed(pumped)milk,particularlyafternursingroutinesarewellestablished.Ifthereareanyquestionsaboutbreast‐feeding,parentsshouldtalktothebaby’spediatrician.

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CHILDREN WHO DON’T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH A PARENT

Somechildrenfindithardtogofromoneparent’shometotheother,andtheyexpressthesefeelingsthroughtheirbehavior.Therearemanyreasonswhysomechildrensaytheydonotwanttospendtimewiththeotherparent.Someofthereasonshavetodowithachild’sageandpersonality,whileforothersithastodowithhowtheirparentsgetalong.Howaparentreactstoachildnotwantingtobewiththeotherparentcanalsoaffectwhetherthechildorteeniswillingtobewiththeotherparent.Toddlers,forexample,maynotyetunderstandwhatishappeningtothematexchangetime,andtheymaycrywhentheyleaveoneparent.Thisisanaturalreaction,andthesechildrenusuallycalmdownoncetheyaredistractedandareengagedinafunactivity.Sometimeschildrenjustdon’twanttostopdoingwhattheyaredoingbecausethey’rehavingfun.Otherchildrenmaynothavegottenusedtobeinginanewenvironment,andtheywouldratherstayinahomeandaneighborhoodthattheyknow.Parentscanhelpchildrenadjustbyunderstandingtheirfeelingsbutinsistingthattheyspendtimewiththeotherparent,justasaparentwoulddoifthechilddoesn’twanttogotoschool.

Parentsshouldalsounderstandthatsometimesthereareproblemsthatneedtobeworkedonthroughcounseling.Forexample,somechildrenmayhaveseriousproblemsgettingusedtoaparent’snewpartnerandhisorherchildren.Therearealsochildrenwhoarecaughtinthemiddleoftheirparents’conflictandwhomaytakesideswithoneparentandrefusetodowhatanyparentorjudgetellsthemtodoaboutspendingtimewiththeotherparent.Insituationslikethis,professionalhelpisusuallynecessary.Ifthereareconcernsthatthechildrendon’twanttogobecausethey’rebeingabusedorneglected,ChildProtectiveServicesshouldbecontacted.

CONTACT WITH AN INCARCERATED PARENT

Anincarceratedparentisstillaparenttoachild.Inmanycases,achildhasalegalrightandanemotionalneedtoremainincontactwiththeparentinprison.It’simportanttounderstandthattheneedsofthechildmaybedifferentfromthecustodialparent’sneedsregardingcontactwiththeincarceratedparent.Beforeachildvisitstheparentinjailorprison,thecustodialparentshouldtalktothechildaboutwhattoexpect.Afterthevisit,thechildshouldbe

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encouragedtotalkopenlyaboutthoughtsandfeelingsregardingthevisit,andthecustodialparentshouldrespondsensitively.

HIGH CONFLICT

Manyparentsco‐parentwell,butsomedonot.Someparentsarguewitheachotherwhentheyexchangethechildrenortalktoeachotheronthephone.Theysometimesblametheotherparentfortheproblemsthey’rehaving,andinextremecases,someparentstellthechildrenhowbadtheotherparentis.

Whenparentsdothesethings,childrencandevelopemotionalandbehavioralproblems.Theymaybecomefearful,thinkingthatthey’rethecauseoftheirparents’fighting,findingthemselveshavingtochoosebetweentheirparents,ordevelopinglowself‐esteem.

Forparentswhocan’tcooperativelyco‐parent,parallelparentingisawayforthemtoraisetheirchildwithlittlecontactbetweeneachother.Eachparentmakesday‐to‐daydecisionsaboutthechildwhilethechildiswiththeparent.Withparallelparenting,communicationbetweentheparentsislimited,exceptinemergencies,andusuallyisinwriting.Aco‐parenttherapistoraparentcoordinatoroftenhelpsparentshandleparallelparentingarrangements.

Parentscanattendaparentingclassdealingwithspecificissuesofparentingapart.Intheseclasses,parentslearnthatanycontinuingconflictbetweenthemwilllikelyhavealong‐termnegativeeffectontheirchildren.Theyalsolearnskillstobebetterco‐parents.

MILITARY

Therealityformilitaryfamiliesismovement.Whenamarriageisfirstdissolvedorthereisaseparation,parentsmayliveinthesamecommunity.Thiswillrequireaparentingplanthatfocusesonsharingthechildwhentheparentsliveclosetoeachotherandallowingfortemporarydutyassignment(TDY)possibilities.Militaryfamiliesshouldthinkaboutincludingalong‐distanceparentingplanincaseparentsarenolongerlivinginthesamearea.DetailedtravelarrangementsareanimportantpartaswellasallowingfordeploymentandTDYissues.

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Parentsmaywanttothinkabouthowparentingtimecanberearrangedbecauseoftemporarydutyassignmentsoroverseascommitments.Oneideaistoextendsummerorwinterbreakstoallowforsuchsituations.

Maintainingcontactbetweenthechildandthenon‐residentialmilitaryparentisimportant.Theresidentialparentcansupportthechild’srelationshipwiththeotherparentbyhavingaconsistentplanofcommunicationwiththeotherparent.Itmayseemattimes(totheresidentialparent)thatheorsheisshoulderingmostoftheresponsibilityforfosteringthechild’srelationshipwiththeabsentparent.It’simportanttoknowthatthechildwillbenefitfromthiseffortasthechildgetsolder.

NEVER MARRIED

Whenparentshavenevermarrieditraisesseveralissues—whoisthelegalfather(paternity),parentingtime,childsupport,andmedicalsupport.

EitherparentortheChildSupportEnforcementDivisionmaystartalegalactiontodeterminethelegalfather.Eitherparentmaystartalegalactionindistrictcourttoestablishaparentingplan.Theparentingactionmayalsodecidepaternity,childsupport,andmedicalsupport.Theparentsmayagreetoaspecificparentingplanandhaveitapprovedbythecourt.Iftheparentsdonotagreeontheparentingplan,thecourtwilldecidetheplaninthechild’sbestinterest.

Theinterimand/orfinalparentingplanorderedbythecourtmaybeverydifferentforparentswhohaveneverbeenmarriedandhavenotknowneachotherforasignificantperiodoftime.Thereareissuesoftrust,commitment,followthrough,safety,anddifferingparentingknowledgeandskills.Thecourtmaylimitparentingtime,establishagraduatedschedule,orrequiresupervisedparentinguntilcertainconditionsaremet.Longabsencesbyoneparentaredifficultforachildandareafactorindeterminingaparentingplanthatisinthechild’sbestinterest.

Thereareuniquecommunicationissuesandcooperativeparentingchallengesfornevermarriedparents.Manysituationsinvolveextendedfamilywhoshouldbesupportiveofbothparents’roles.

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Familycounselingandparentingclassescanbehelpfulinaddressingthesechallenges.

SCHEDULES FOR FAMILIES WITH CHILDREN OF DIFFERENT AGES

It’sagoodideatokeepsiblingstogether.Sometimes,though,thisisn’tpossible.Considertheuniqueneedsofyourchildrenwhendecidinghowmuchtimeeachparentwillspendwitheachchild.Forexample,whenthere’sawideagedifferencebetweensiblings,theparentingplanmightincludesomealonetimewiththeparentsforeachchild.Remember,theplansbasedonagesareonlysuggestions.Parentsmaydecidethatacertainplanworksbestforalloftheirchildren,eventhoughthatplanisnotrecommendedforachild’sage.

SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN

Almostone‐thirdofallchildrenundertheageof18sufferfromoneformoranotherofongoingmentalorphysicalhealthproblems.Youmayalsohaveachildwithintellectualdisabilities,emotionalorphysicaldisabilities.It’simportantthatbothparentsunderstandandagreetofollowthetreatmentthedoctorrecommends.Inmostcases,it’sbestwhenbothparentsattendthedoctorappointments.Themoreseriousthechild’shealthproblem,themoretheparentsneedtotalktoeachotherandkeepeachotherinformed.Theparentsmustalsolearntoorganizemedication,medicalequipment,andtreatments.Bothparentsneedtobeinvolvedinmajordecisionsaboutmedicaltreatment,unlesstheircourtordersayssomethingelse.Theparentingtimescheduleshouldfitthechild’smedicalneeds.

THIRD-PARTY INVOLVEMENT

Aparentmaybetemptedtoinvolveathirdparty(suchasaboyfriendorgirlfriend,grandparents,orfriends)inparentingtimeexchangesordiscussionswiththeotherparent.Ifthereisanychanceofconflictwiththeotherparent,lettingathirdpersonspeakforyouusuallyisnotagoodideaandcanmakemattersworse.Instead,aneutralthirdparty,suchasamediatororaparentingcoordinator,maybeabletoassistparentsinresolvingtheirdisputes.

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WHEN A PARENT CANNOT USE THEIR PARENTING TIME

Sometimesaparentcannotusetheirparentingtime.Itisimportantforachildtomaintainrelationshipswithextendedfamilyandfriends.Buttheremaybetimeswhenaparentisunabletocareforachildforaperiodoftime.Forexample,theymustbeoutoftownforwork.Parentsneedtotalkaboutwhattodowhenoneparentcannotusetheirparentingtime.Sometimes,itisbestforthechildrenthatwhenoneparentcannotusetheirparentingtime,theotherparentshouldhavethetimewiththechildren.Sometimesitisbestforthechildrenthattheregularschedulebekept.

Thereareseveralareasthatyouneedtodiscussandagreeabout.Howmuchtimemustbemissedbeforeaparentshouldofferthetimetotheotherparent?Howmuchnoticemustbegiventotheotherparentifyoucannotorwillnotuseyourparentingtime?Whathappenstothemissedtime?Willthetimebemadeuporisitlost?Doesitdependonwhocancelstheparentingtime?Forexample,youmayagreethatanytimethatyoucannotuseonefulldayofparentingtime,youshouldoffertheotherparentthistime.Andyoushouldgivetheotherparentthreedaysadvancenoticeofyourintentionnottouseparentingtime.Youmayagreethattherewillnotbeanymakeupformissedtime.

Parentsneedtodiscussthissituationanddecidewhatisbestfortheirchildren.

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SAFETY FOCUSED PARENTING PLANS

DO YOU NEED A SAFETY FOCUSED PARENTING PLAN?

Thislistcanhelpyoudecideifyouneedasafetyfocusedparentingplan

Hastheotherparent:

actedasthoughviolentbehaviortowardyouoryourchildrenisOKinsomesituations?

damagedordestroyedpropertyorpetsduringanargument? threatenedtocommitsuicide? hadproblemswithalcoholorotherdrugs? neededmedicationtobesafearoundothers? threatenednottoreturnornotreturnedyourchildren? usedweaponstothreatenorhurtpeople? threatenedtokillyou,yourchildren,oranyoneelse? sexuallyabusedanyonebyforce,threatofforce,or

intimidation? beenservedaprotectionorder? beenarrestedforharmingorthreateningtoharmyouor

anyoneelse?

Ifyouansweredyestoanyofthesequestions,pleasecontinuetotakeyoursafety,andyourchildren’ssafety,seriously.Youmayneedtouseasafetyfocusedparentingplan.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Whentherehasbeenahistoryofsignificantdomesticviolence,theparentingplanmustprovideforthesafetyandwell‐beingofthechild.Incasesofdomesticviolence,theplanmayprovideforsupervisedparentingtimeduringwhichaspecifiedadultmustbepresent.Theplanshouldnamethepersonwhowillsupervisetheparentingtime.Thejudgemayorderparentingtimetobesupervisedbyacourtapprovedprogram.Ifthereisnocourtsupervisionprogramavailable,thesupervisornamedinyourplanmustbearesponsibleadultwhohastimetosupervisetheparentingtimeandcanactcalmlyandmaturelywiththeparentwhoisbeingsupervised.

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ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE OR ABUSE

Ifyou’reconcernedabouttheotherparent’salcoholordrugabuse,theparentingplanmayprovidefordrugtestingorincludeotherprovisionslimitingalcoholordruguseduringparentingtimeforoneorbothparents.Iftestingisrequired,theparentingtimeordershouldstatehowoftentestingwillhappen,whowillpayforit,andwhatwillhappenifthereisapositivetest.

PROTECTIVE ORDERS

WhenanOrderofProtectionisineffect,theparentingplancannotincludecontactthatwouldviolateit.Onlythecourtcanchangeaprotectiveorder.Ifthereisaprotectiveorderbetweenyouandtheotherparent,youmayaskthecourttochangetheprotectiveordertoallowparentingtimeexchangesinspecificlocationswithnocontactbetweenthetwoofyou.Youalsocanaskathirdpersontohelptransportthechildforparentingtimeexchanges.

SAFETY FOCUSED PARENTING PLAN OPTIONS

Therearethreeoptionsforsafetyfocusedparentingplans:

OptionA: Youfeelyourchildcannotbesafealonewiththeotherparent—supervisedparentingtimeornoparentingtime.

OptionB: Youfeelyourchildcansafelyspendlimitedtimewiththeotherparentundercertainconditions—noovernightparentingtime.

OptionC: Youfeelyourchildcansafelyspendtimewiththeotherparent,butyou’renotsafewhentheotherparentiswithyou—overnightparentingtime,publicdropoffandpickupsites.

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AMENDING AN EXISTING FINAL PARENTING PLAN

WHEN THE EXISTING FINAL PARENTING PLAN ISN’T WORKING ANY MORE

Ajudgeapprovedanexistingparentingplan.Nowthatparentingplanneedstobeamended,whatshouldyoudo?

Readtheoriginalfinalparentingplan.Mostparentingplansallowbothparentstoamendtheplanwithouthavingtogobacktocourt.Itisagoodideatoputallagreedchangesinwritingandhavebothparentssignit.

Followthedirectionsinthefinalparentingplan.Ifparentsdon’tagreetothechange,mostparentingplansrequiretheparentstogotomediation.

Ifthereisn’tanagreementandyouhavefollowedthestepsinthefinalparentingplan,thenyouwillneedtofileamotionwiththecourtaskingthatthefinalparentingplanbeamended.

Thejudgemustfollowthestatutetodecideifthefinalparentingplancanbechanged.Theremustbeachangeinthechild’scircumstances,theamendmentmustbeinthechild’sbestinterest,andthatthischangehappenedafterthefinalparentingplanwasapprovedbythejudgeorwasunknownwhentheparentingplanwasapproved.

Professional Services for Parents and Children

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PROFESSIONAL SERVICES FOR PARENTS AND CHILDREN

Giventhedifferingcircumstancesineachfamily,courtsuseavarietyofcommunityprofessionalstohelp.Someoftheservicesofferedbymentalhealthexpertsareoutlinedbelow.Theuseofsuchprofessionalsdoesnotmeanoneofthefamilymemberssuffersfromamentaldisorder.Helpingidentifyproblemsthatcanaffectyourchildrenandgettingtherightpersontohelpstartswhenyouknowthedifferenttypesofservicesandcanrequesttheonesthatbestsuityourfamily.

ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION (ADR): SOLVE IT WITHOUT A JUDGE

CollaborativeDissolutionorCoachingandConsulting

Teamapproachtoadissolutioninvolvingtheparents,theirattorneys,financialanalysts,consultants,andotherswhoprovideinformationandeducationtohelpresolveparentaldisputeswithoutcourtinvolvement.

Mediation Usesavarietyofnegotiationtoolsandstrategiestoassistparentstoreachagreementaboutallaspectsofparentingplans.TheClerkofDistrictCourthasalistofcourt‐approvedmediators.

TheCommunityMediationCenterin Bozeman giveslow‐costmediationtolow‐incomeMontanans,(406)522‐8442.Website: http://www.cmcmontana.org

ParentingCoordinator Casemanagement,disputeresolutionprocessusingmediationandarbitrationconceptstohelpimplementparentingplans.Aparentingcoordinatormustbeapprovedbythejudge.

ASSESSMENT: PROVIDING INFORMATION TO THE JUDGE

Alloftheseoptionscostmoney,andinsomecasesmaybeoutofreachoftheordinarycitizen.AndsomeoftheseoptionsarenotavailableinGallatinCounty.

BriefFocusedEvaluation

Lesscomprehensiveevaluationfocusedonaddressingspecificissuesorupdatinganalready‐existingparentingplan.

ChildParentingEvaluation

Comprehensivefact‐findingprocessresultinginextensivedecision‐makingandparentingtimerecommendations.Especiallyhelpfulwhere


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therearehigh‐conflictparentalrelationships,relocationissues,orallegationsofsexualabuse,childabuse,ordomesticviolence.

ChildForensicInterview

Specializedinterviewofachildtoanswerspecificquestionsforthecourtwithoutinvolvingthechilddirectlyinthelegalsystem.

NeuropsychologicalEvaluation

Aprocessbyamedicalprofessionaltodetermineifapersonhasaphysicalbraininjurythatsignificantlydisruptstheperson’slife,typicallymanifestedby“shortfuse”violenceandpost‐traumaticstressdisorder.

PsychologicalEvaluation

Processusingpsychologicaltests,interviews,andobservationstoevaluatementalstatusandfunctioningortreatmentneeds.

PsychosexualRisk Processusingpsychologicaltests,polygraphs,interviews,andobservationstoevaluatethepotentialriskforphysicaland/orsexualabuseofchildren.

THERAPEUTIC: GETTING HELP

Co‐ParentingTherapy Jointparentaltherapyintendedtoincreasepositivecoordinationbyparentsandreduceconflicts.

FamilyTherapy Treatmentprovidedwhentwoormoremembersofthefamilyneedtreatmentinordertonormalizeandstabilizefunctioning.

ForensicTherapy Non‐confidentialtreatmentprovidedbyatherapistorderedbythecourt.It’scommonforaforensicallyinformedtherapisttowriteareportforthecourt.

TherapeuticIntervention

Treatmentandcasemanagementoftenusedintherapeuticallycomplexcasesorinreunificationcaseswhereinterventionfocusesonsupportingtherenewalofarelationshipbetweenaparentandachild.

TherapeuticSupervision

Supervisionofparent‐childcontactsprovidedbyatherapist.


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OTHER

GallatinCountySelf‐HelpLawCenter

Providespeoplewhochoosetorepresentthemselvesincourtwithinformationandaccesstoforms.Theinformationisintendedtohelpyouhelpyourselfthroughthecourtsystem,(406)582‐2158.

MontanaLegalServices (MLSA)givesfreelegalhelptolow‐incomepeople.TofindoutifyouqualifyforMLSA,calltheMLSAHelpLineat1(800)666‐6899.

MontanaStateBar TheLawyerReferralandInformationService(LRIS)referspeopletoMontanalawyerswhomightbeabletohelp.CallLRISat1(406)449‐6577.

StateLawLibrary Canhelpyoufindanduselegalresourcessuchasbooks,forms,andwebsites.Youcanvisitthelawlibrarywebsiteathttp://www.library.mt.gov.OryoucancontactaReferenceLibrarianat1(406)444‐3636orbye‐[email protected].

Websites Montanalawhelp.orgisawebsitethatprovidesgeneralinformationonareasofthelaw,includingdissolutionandparentingissues.

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WORDS YOU MAY NEED TO KNOW

Thisisnotalistoflegaldefinitions.Ithasbeenpreparedforusebypersonswhoarenotlawyers.

AlternativeDisputeResolution(ADR)—Waystosolvelegalproblemswithoutatrial.Examplesincludemediation,resolutionmanagementconference,orothersettlementmethods.

Attachment—Positivefeelingsofthechildtowardparentsandotherparentfigures.

“BestInterestsoftheChild”—Whenajudgedecidesaparentingplanissue,thejudgedecideswhatwouldbebestforthechildbasedonalltheinformation.

Bonding—Closerelationshipthatdevelopsbetweenayoungchildandaparentoraparentfigure.

Confidentiality—Privateinformationthatcannotbesharedwithanyoneelseexceptasrequiredbylaw.

Co‐Parenting—Whenparentssharetheresponsibilityforraisingachildevenwhentheparentsdonotlivetogether.

CourtOrder—Awrittenordermadebyajudgethatmustbefollowed.

DissolutionofMarriage—Thelegalprocessofdissolvingamarriage.SeeDivorce.

Divorce—ThisisnotalegaltermdefinedbylawinMontana.InMontana,thetermisnotusedandhasnolegalmeaning.Instead,thetermdissolutionofmarriageisused.

DomesticViolence—InMontana,itisacrimeanddefinedascausingbodilyinjuryorcausingreasonableapprehensionofbodilyinjuryinapartnerorfamilymember.Domesticviolenceisafactorconsideredindeterminingparentingtimedecisions.

Exchange—Pickupanddrop‐offofachildbetweenparentsorothercaregivers.

FamilyLaw—Thelawsthatrelatetofamilyrelationships.Theyincludelawsaboutdissolution,paternity,custody,parentingplans,propertyanddebtdivision,childsupport,spousalmaintenance(“alimony”),andothertopics.Thelawsarebasedonstatutes,rules,andreportedcourtdecisions.

Filing—GivingyourlegalpaperstotheClerkoftheCourt.

“FrequentandContinuingContact”—Howthelawreferstochildrenhavingregularandongoingcontactwithparents.

“FullCustody”—ThisisnotalegaltermdefinedbylawinMontana.InMontana,thetermisnotusedandithasnomeaning.Instead,thetermparentingtimeisused.

Hearing—Ascheduledappearanceincourtwhereparentsandattorneysmaycallwitnessesandintroduceevidence.

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HolidayPlan—Apartoftheparentingplanthatspecifieshowchildrenwillspendholidayswitheachparentanddefineseachholidaysobothparentsknowwhentheholidaybeginsandends.

Maternity—Alegalactionthatresultsinacourtordernamingthechild’smother.

Mediation—Ameetingwithamediatorwhohelpstheparentstrytosolveproblemscooperatively.Mediationmayoccurfacetofaceorseparately,ifnecessary.Mediationisconfidential.Themediatordoesnottelltheparentswhattheyshoulddoormakearecommendationtothecourt.

Mediator—Atrained,neutralthirdpartywhohelpstheparentstrytosolveproblemscooperativelythroughmediation.

ModificationofParentingPlan—Changestotheparentingplan.Ifagreedto,thechangescanbeenforcedonlyiftheyaresubmittedtoandorderedbythecourt.Ifthepartiescannotagree,onepartycanrequestmodificationbyfilingamotionwiththecourt.

OrderofProtection—Referstotwotypesoforders(TemporaryOrderofProtectionandOrderofProtection)designedtopreventviolenceorharassmentbetweenparties.Anycourtinthestatecanissueatemporaryorderofprotectionwithoutnoticetotherespondent.Thecourtmustholdahearingwithin20daysofissuingtheorderorprotection.Therespondentcanrequestthatthehearingbeheldsooner.

ParallelParenting—See“HighConflict”intheSpecialIssuessectiononpage61.

ParentingPlan—Adocumentthatstateswhenthechildwillbewitheachparentandhowdecisionswillbemade.Theparentingplanmaybedevelopedbytheparentsontheirownorwiththehelpofaprofessionalsuchasamediator,anattorney,orajudge.

ParentingTime—Thetimeachildspendswitheachparentaccordingtoacourtorder.

Paternity—Alegalactionthatresultsinacourtordernamingthechild’sfather.

Petitioner—Thisisthepersonwhobringsanactionfordissolutionofmarriageorparentingplan.

PrimaryResidence—Theparent’shomewherethechildphysicallyresidesmostofthetime.

ProtectiveOrder—SeeOrderofProtection.

Respondent—Thisisthepersonwhoisservedwithacourtcasefordissolutionofmarriageorparentingplan.

RulesofCourt—Courtproceduresarecontrolledbyrules.ParentingPlansarecontrolledbyDistrictCourtRules.DistrictCourtRulescanalsobesupplementedbylocalcourtrules.

SoleCustody—ThisisnotalegaltermdefinedbylawinMontana.InMontana,thetermisnotusedandithasnomeaning.Instead,thetermparentingtimeisused.

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Statute—Alawpassedbythestatelegislature.MostcodesectionsrelatingtofamilylawareinTitle40oftheMontanaCodeAnnotatedandareavailableatthepubliclibraryorontheInternetat:http://data.opi.state.mt.us/bills/mca_toc/index.htm.8H

Stipulation—Aformalagreementoftheparties.Whenitiswrittenandsignedbybothpartiesandthenapprovedbyajudge,itbecomesacourtorder.

SupervisedExchanges—Pickupanddropoffofthechildinthepresenceofanotherspecifiedadult.

SupervisedParentingTime—Parentingtimeduringwhichtheparentandchildmustbeinthepresenceofanotherspecifiedadult.

TherapeuticSupervision—Supervisionofparent‐childcontactsprovidedbyatherapist.

Transition—Theadjustmenttimeforparentsandthechildimmediatelybefore,during,andaftertheexchangeofthechildbetweentheparentsorothercaregivers.

Trial—Aformalhearingwithwitnessesandevidence.(SeeHearing.)

VirtualParenting—Parentingtimefacilitatedbyelectronicmeanstosupplement,notreplace,in‐personparentingtime.Examplesincludetelephonecalls,webcam,videoconferencing,instantmessaging,on‐linechatting,telephonetexting,etc.

Visitation—Thistermisnolongerused.Instead,seeParentingTime.

All Rights Reserved

PortionsoftheseParentingGuidelinesareadaptedfromPlanningforParentingTime:Arizona’sGuideforParentsLivingApartcopyrightedbytheArizonaSupremeCourt,CourtServicesDivision,CourtProgramsUnit,1501W.Washington,Suite410,Phoenix,AZ85007‐3231.TheyareusedwithpermissionoftheArizonaSupremeCourt.©2009

PortionsoftheseParentingGuidelinesareadaptedfromcopyrightedmaterialfromtheOregonSupremeCourt,OfficeofOregonStateCourtAdministrator,1163StateStreet,Salem,OR97301.TheyareusedwithpermissionfromtheOregonSupremeCourt.©2009

Thisdocumentmaybecopied,reproduced,andusedbyparentsandprofessionalswhoareattemptingtoresolveparentingissues.But,nopartofthispublicationmaybereproducedinanyformorbyanymeans,exceptfornon‐profitpurposes,withoutpermissioninwritingfromthecopyrightholders.

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